Thinking about reaching out to one her ex-boyfriends...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm thinking about reaching out to one her ex-boyfriends... .  not sure if I want to do it.  Leaning towards not doing it.  They are not Facebook friends so I'm pretty sure they don't communicate.

Have any you ever done this with one your exBPD's? 

I'm just so curious about this illness sometimes and I'm just trying to understand more about my ex-wife and the things that she did (because I can't get answers from her, obviously)

What have your interactions been like?  If any?

[expos]

I'm thinking about reaching out to one her ex-boyfriends... .  not sure if I want to do it.  Leaning towards not doing it.  They are not Facebook friends so I'm pretty sure they don't communicate.

Have any you ever done this with one your exBPD's? 

I'm just so curious about this illness sometimes and I'm just trying to understand more about my ex-wife and the things that she did (because I can't get answers from her, obviously)

What have your interactions been like?  If any?

[ScotisGone74]

I honestly tried doing it, but I don't recommend it.  They are usually still hurt, have moved on with their lives, or they could possibly blame you for some things, even though you didn't even know about them until after it was over, so they are usually not in a hurry tohelp you out with your issues or questions.  I attempted to get in touch with this guy but didn't get a response.  Its very normal to want to I believe, but I would say you won't get the answers you are looking for in most cases. 

[expos]

I honestly tried doing it, but I don't recommend it.  They are usually still hurt, have moved on with their lives, or they could possibly blame you for some things, even though you didn't even know about them until after it was over, so they are usually not in a hurry tohelp you out with your issues or questions.  I attempted to get in touch with this guy but didn't get a response.  Its very normal to want to I believe, but I would say you won't get the answers you are looking for in most cases. 

Yeah, this guy still had vacation photos of them together on his Facebook page from SEVEN YEARS AGO.  I just saw them today and was sort of shocked, so maybe he does still have some feelings for her.  Meanwhile, I've deleted every trace of her from my online profile.  The only thing remaining are our wedding photos which I have stored away.  I should probably destroy them, but can't do it.  Not because I wait for her return... .  it's just that they're really good! LOL.



 

[Vegasskydiver]

In my personal opinion, that is not a good idea.  Why do you expect to gain from contacting an ex?  How do you even know that what they might say is going to be the truth.  In addition, I think that, that would shine a very negative light on you.  I would be really upset if someone did that to me.  Just sayin'. 

I know that you want answers, I think that we all do.

[expos]

In my personal opinion, that is not a good idea.  Why do you expect to gain from contacting an ex?  How do you even know that what they might say is going to be the truth.  In addition, I think that, that would shine a very negative light on you.  I would be really upset if someone did that to me.  Just sayin'. 

I know that you want answers, I think that we all do.

I agree.  I won't do this. 

[Dave44]

I recently did just this thing. I thought about it over and over and over. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and contacted two of her ex's via FB that I had names off. I simply stated that I recently dated a woman that I believe they dated at one point as well. I said that the break up has left me very confused and was wondering if they would be willing to confidentially share their experiance with me. I noticed that they had both moved on and both were in new relationships so as a result I made it clear I didn't want to cross any boundaries and if they didn't want to that was totally fine.

They were both very receptive and one actually offered to call me. I could not believe it when they told their stories -- almost IDENTICAL to mine. I was blown away. Not only did I find out that but I also found out the true magnitude of her lies. This decision was instrumental in my healing. Not only did it bring me a TONE of closure but it really solidified the fact that I was dating one big walking LIE.

If you do decide to just make your message very respectful and clear that if they are not interested than that is also fine too. But honestly - best thing I could have done.

[just_think]

I've done it several times with varying degrees of success.  First borderline, it was a really good conversation with her ex.  He's a cool dude in my book and I learned a lot about my situation.  Long after, I attempted to warn my replacement.  He knew on some level but wasn't really receptive and the way I went about it was less than direct.  Totally understand.

Next ex... .  probably not BPD, but something was going on - probably not disordered though.  I messaged her ex that she cheated on me with after I found out she had still been stringing him along (and had begun with the next guy after me doing the same for me).  I wanted to ruin her friendship with him.  I ended up loosing my job as she claimed "harassment" after he went running to her and I was forced into a place where I had to retire. It probably didn't help that I sort of might have broken into her email and that's how I found out all that in the first place... .  Damn, I sound like the BPD one there... .  

This one... .  and this is how I know I'm better... .  I have no desire to do any of that. At the beginning, I had some thoughts, but they passed by, and now I see her for what she is.  She's someone I used to know and that's it.  I have my answers with me and that's the only place I need them.  

To answer your question, I have a question.  What do you hope to gain from an interaction with the other boyfriends?  Validation?  Personally, that's what I needed.  It's ok if that is, but I think it might be best to identify your needs before going in to it.   What is it you hope to accomplish? What do you hope to gain? What do you need from this interaction?

[chrisd73]

Hmmmm... .  I did this today. My ex was married three times and had somewhat specific reasons why each one failed... .  they had all done something that she holds onto that justified it being over.I FB messaged her last husband and he gave me his number. This was great for me because he was very nice and his version was very insightful. I realize that I have been lied to and that I wasn't special. I was another in the line of men that she has gone through the cycle with.

This has helped me reconcile to myself that I am a good guy and that the ex husband was a good guy. Also, that she has a good heart but cannot control her emotions and impulses and that it is going to continue on and on... .  from one guy to the next.

I doubt this works in every case and if you are still completely raw, angry, desiring to get her back than I think your motives may be wrong. Like me, if you are trying to get a perspective and move on than this may be a way to feel that you are not the problem and to gain insight into the dysfunctional pattern that you were involved in... .  yes, you were involved and played your part in "the dance". Now comes the question... .  why did you?

[toliveistofly]

I did this and had a similar experience to Dave44. It was painful and shocking but helpful. I was in contact to varying degrees with 2 ex-boyfriends and 1 guy she dated after we broke up. There is one ex that I really wanted to contact because I feel like he was the one who had a serious enough relationship with her (and a strange enough breakup) that I knew there would be good learning from that convo. It hasn't happened, and probably never will. But if I ever run into him I may buy him a beer and see what he has to say. Nothing would surprise me at this point but it does help reinforce that I was nothing special and she was a liar.

[expos]

OK, I am going to do it. 

My intention is closure from this woman.  No intention in getting back with her, at all.  I want to feel good about moving on and possibly knowing that I wasn't the only one who was treated this way.

I'm am going to approach this guy with some caution... .  and give myself some time to think about what I'm going to write.

Thanks.

[chrisd73]

If closure is what you seek... .  it will take time. I don't think knowing that this happened to others will give you piece of mind. It may help but only if you are understanding the pattern and that you are not at fault. You had your role but you cannot change the disorder and how it manifests. Be honest, you are hurt and still looking to validate yourself... .  maybe, I know I am. These relationships hurt... .  they are everything you want and more but if you look deeper into yourself you may realize that you knew something was missing all along.

[Mightyhammers]

I was thinking about doing this, she had told me on a few occasions that this guy had cheated on her, she had gone back to him, but they separated as the relationship was not the same – and that even after the relationship ( as close as xmas just gone ) he was sending her abusive text messages ( it was a very abusive relationship from what she had told me ). I would love to hear this guys side to the story, unfortunately I have no way of finding him as I cant get him on FB – I have a name and an area but that’s it

[recoil]

I did this before my break-up but my circumstances were different.  I was already acquainted with him and have had some conversations with him already.  It was very enlightening but in the end, it didn't really change anything.  You'll feel good for a little bit but it's not a "fix".  I did learn quite a bit though. 

I have thought about contacting more -- but it's not the path to closure we're seeking.  Even with the great information I received and the validation that it wasn't me, it didn't really help long term.

[paul16]

I had similar experiences to Dave44. Not only did I find it somehow reassuring that others had had the same experience as I did with this woman, but it also reinforced their decisions to maintain no or very little contact with her as they were hearing their own experiences all over again.

They had moved on a little farther than I had, at the time, and speaking to them gave me more resolve to get where they were.

[expos]

The message has been sent.  Now comes the waiting game.   

The story behind this guy (her recount of the break up) was that she dumped him for being too needy, smothering, etc.  Maybe his side of the story is completely different.

 

[Vegasskydiver]

The message has been sent.  Now comes the waiting game.   

The story behind this guy (her recount of the break up) was that she dumped him for being too needy, smothering, etc.  Maybe his side of the story is completely different.

 

I really hope that is answer brings you understanding.  Did you tell him what she said?

[expos]

No, I didn't ask him how his relationship ended with her.  From what I know, he was a pretty nice guy.  I told him I am divorced from her and I had concerns about her and her mental health.   I asked him if he'd be comfortable sharing his experiences - if not - that is fine.

It looks like he did read my message just a few hours ago, but hasn't responded.   Part of me regrets this decision to contact him... .   

[Vegasskydiver]

No, I didn't ask him how his relationship ended with her.  From what I know, he was a pretty nice guy.  I told him I am divorced from her and I had concerns about her and her mental health.   I asked him if he'd be comfortable sharing his experiences - if not - that is fine.

It looks like he did read my message just a few hours ago, but hasn't responded.   Part of me regrets this decision to contact him... .   

What is the worst thing that can happen?  You are already broken up.    It could be that he wasn't able to answer (ie at work). 

[expos]

No, I didn't ask him how his relationship ended with her.  From what I know, he was a pretty nice guy.  I told him I am divorced from her and I had concerns about her and her mental health.   I asked him if he'd be comfortable sharing his experiences - if not - that is fine.

It looks like he did read my message just a few hours ago, but hasn't responded.   Part of me regrets this decision to contact him... .   

What is the worst thing that can happen?  You are already broken up.    It could be that he wasn't able to answer (ie at work). 

Just feeling like such an idiot right now.  I didn't write anything stupid... .  but just the idea of it is bugging me.  I hope this goes smoothly.

[mango_flower]

I keep checking back here to see if he has replied!

He may be busy, or wanting time to sit and compose a reply.

I do hope you get the closure you need.  You're very brave.  I don't think I'd want to know the truth in many ways! x

[paul16]

Regardless if you ever hear from him I think his side of the story is very different from hers. Always is. With normal people, the truth lies somewhere near the middle. With the disordered behavior that is discussed here, the truth is much closer to the other side of the story.

[expos]

I got a response!  It was positive and the guy seemed pretty nice.  Basically, she did dump him and left him without closure as well.  Told him it was over and just left.  So... .  basically she's been acting like this for years... .  running away and not dealing with the problem.

[Dave44]

I got a response!  It was positive and the guy seemed pretty nice.  Basically, she did dump him and left him without closure as well.  Told him it was over and just left.  So... .  basically she's been acting like this for years... .  running away and not dealing with the problem.

LOL! Told you! Man, that is almost word for word the response that I got from one of the ex's I contacted... .  word for word!  

It doesn't make everything all better but it sure as hell validates that it wasn't just us. Happy for you man. They're nut jobs!