Moving too fast?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

About a month ago I finally cut off contact with my abusive BPD partner, after months of agony and twoing and frowing. The police have now had to step in, and have told him he is not to contact me. This has worked (in part - still get the odd email that I ignore) and it's been really hard to get myself off the ground again. It feels like he sucked all the life out of me and now he's gone I'm just an empty shell. I crave the attention he gave me, and it's made me reckless with the friends that I've made.

Long story short, I've met someone new recently. He doesn't ring off any warning bells to me, and my friends and family already approve. I find myself really falling for him, but I'm so scared to make the same mistakes again. Should I just put the breaks on and tell him it's too soon? Or should I follow my heart and see if we can make this work? Everyone told me to take it slowly - and we haven't labelled the relationship yet. I told him about my past and he is very understanding. Does anybody else have experience getting into a new relationship after your relationship with a BPD partner?

[luna_baby]

Hi all,

About a month ago I finally cut off contact with my abusive BPD partner, after months of agony and twoing and frowing. The police have now had to step in, and have told him he is not to contact me. This has worked (in part - still get the odd email that I ignore) and it's been really hard to get myself off the ground again. It feels like he sucked all the life out of me and now he's gone I'm just an empty shell. I crave the attention he gave me, and it's made me reckless with the friends that I've made.

Long story short, I've met someone new recently. He doesn't ring off any warning bells to me, and my friends and family already approve. I find myself really falling for him, but I'm so scared to make the same mistakes again. Should I just put the breaks on and tell him it's too soon? Or should I follow my heart and see if we can make this work? Everyone told me to take it slowly - and we haven't labelled the relationship yet. I told him about my past and he is very understanding. Does anybody else have experience getting into a new relationship after your relationship with a BPD partner?

[vortex of confusion]

How long was the relationship with your abusive BPD partner?

What is your relationship history?

I ask these questions because it takes time to heal from this stuff. I went directly into a relationship with somebody after ex. It helped me in a lot of ways but I realized that there is no way I can have a healthy relationship with anyone until I get my own stuff sorted out.

All too often, people don't take a break between relationships and try to sort stuff out and find themselves repeating the same stuff over and over with different people. I still love and respect the man I dated after ex but there was no way that I could do the relationship thing yet. I still have too much stuff to sort out from ex.

Do you have any kind of ties to the BPD partner? Was this a dating partnership, a marriage, a live in arrangement, or something else? Do you have kids together? All of that will impact moving forward.

The slower you go, the better.

[luna_baby]

I was in a romantic relationship with a BPD partner for just under 2 years - we lived together (although not by my choosing). The relationship was incredibly controlling to the point that I was unable to leave the house or do ANYTHING really without his permission. I was isolated from my friends, my family and my coworkers. I had no doubt he has strong feelings for me, and I cared for him, but he would put everything in the way of me interacting with other people or acting in a way he didn't like. He now does not live with me and only contacts me very occasionally. I wouldn't say I have any ties with him.

[marti644]

Hi Luna, everyone has a different pace for healing so only you really would know if your ready.

But I would be hesitant if I were you to get into a new relationship. Sounds like your relationship was long and your recovery has just started.

 Relationships with BPDs leaves significant trauma, including serious trust issues. Whether your new partner is disordered or not you should make sure you are in a mentally healthy position to start a new relationship. You don't want to punish them with your emotional grief subconsciously or otherwise.

 Since my breakup and NC over two months ago I have started lightly dating again, but I am being very careful not to rush into anything. That's what got me (and most of us) into trouble in the first place. I am learning that my need (or desperation) to be in a serious relationship with someone I can love is what got me into trouble in the first place.

Just take care of yourself and be mindful of your feelings, negative as well as positive.

[luna_baby]

Thank you for the advice, I think I do feel like I'm craving a relationship but whether that is right for me yet I'm just not sure. The new person I'm dating is very understanding and has actually experienced an emotionally abusive relationship in the past as well.

I guess the thing I'm struggling with is HOW to take it slowly. I don't want to completely stop seeing this guy because I enjoy his company. But I'm also aware that I don't want either of us to get too emotionally invested so soon.

[marti644]

Thank you for the advice, I think I do feel like I'm craving a relationship but whether that is right for me yet I'm just not sure. The new person I'm dating is very understanding and has actually experienced an emotionally abusive relationship in the past as well.

I guess the thing I'm struggling with is HOW to take it slowly. I don't want to completely stop seeing this guy because I enjoy his company. But I'm also aware that I don't want either of us to get too emotionally invested so soon.

Luna, If the person you are dating is healthy they would be hesitant getting into a serious relationship with someone who is only a month out of such a traumatic experience. I suggest you take it very slow. If they are good people, they will be patient and understanding. That would be a good sign. To rush now knowing what they know about you is a red flag. Just my two cents. Each has there own experience, no judgement here.

[luna_baby]

It has been a month since the police fully attempted to stop contact, but honestly I fell out of love with my BPD partner a very long time ago. The past year has been a struggle of trying to convince him that we are not right for each other. He belittled me to the point that I just could not love him - I care for him in a way that I want him to be safe and happy, but there is no chance of reconciliation with him.

I know it does seem incredibly soon to be dating again, but for me the relationship ended a long time ago. Obviously emotional wounds are still there - it has really hit me that I have been abused. It feels like I've been held captive and finally I'm brought out into the light. It's blinding but exciting too? (Anybody seen Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? It feels like that!)

[FSTL]

I would echo the "go slow" advice if you do stay together.

Look for red flags in him and in yourself. And trust your gut. There is a ":)ating" section on this site which I have found helpful for ideas/thoughts to validate my gut feeling.

I know I "needed" someone when I split with my BPD and that was a red flag for me about myself. I also met a lot of people with real issues - red flags included familiar feelings where they were diving into the relationship, idealising (but with unrealistic feelings, etc) and a history of relationship issues (which your new guy seems to have).

Just take it easy with emotional investment and see what happens. Have a realistic review of the relationship and the other person and see what happens if you do stay together.

[marti644]

I would echo the "go slow" advice if you do stay together.

Look for red flags in him and in yourself. And trust your gut. There is a ":)ating" section on this site which I have found helpful for ideas/thoughts to validate my gut feeling.

I know I "needed" someone when I split with my BPD and that was a red flag for me about myself. I also met a lot of people with real issues - red flags included familiar feelings where they were diving into the relationship, idealising (but with unrealistic feelings, etc) and a history of relationship issues (which your new guy seems to have).

Just take it easy with emotional investment and see what happens. Have a realistic review of the relationship and the other person and see what happens if you do stay together.

FSTL is totally right. Emotionally investing slowly is what allows you time to heal as well as figure out if the person is right for you. We tend to move to fast, which is why we are so attractive and attracted to people with BPD.  Reading red flags now is so much more imperative for a healthy life. For example I met a girl online and started talking to her about a week ago. Within this week I had three major red flags:

1. We were going to meet and at the last minute she tried to change the plans completely to fit her "important" schedule which would have resulted in me drastically changing my schedule. She didn't apologize or think anything of it. When I refused and said we'd have to meet another time she immediately changed to the original plan as if it was no big deal. Control issues.

2. When talking on the phone and on video chat she was highly sexual and suggestive, but claimed to be very innocent. Actions speak louder than words.

3. The last time we talked I had to go to bed early and had to cut our conversation short. I got a call from my dad on whatsapp and she texted me saying "you said you were going to bed, what are you doing up when you said you were going to bed." My response to jokingly calling her a creeper and telling her why I was up was met with the one word text "whatever". No response to my next message of " be nice " for the entire day. Control issues.

Tonight I thought it over and immediately blocked and deleted her communication. Not out of malice but out of self protection. Something is wrong and I sense that this isn't good for me. Not saying she has a disorder but strange for someone to act like that right away. Sadly these signs are similar to my last relationship with my BPDex.

Sigh. Wish I had known sooner. But better late than ever. Just be careful and don't repeat the pattern again. We fooled ourselves when we didn't know about BPD. Now we have no such excuse to do that again.

[luna_baby]

FSTL is totally right. Emotionally investing slowly is what allows you time to heal as well as figure out if the person is right for you. We tend to move to fast, which is why we are so attractive and attracted to people with BPD.  Reading red flags now is so much more imperative for a healthy life. For example I met a girl online and started talking to her about a week ago. Within this week I had three major red flags:

1. We were going to meet and at the last minute she tried to change the plans completely to fit her "important" schedule which would have resulted in me drastically changing my schedule. She didn't apologize or think anything of it. When I refused and said we'd have to meet another time she immediately changed to the original plan as if it was no big deal. Control issues.

2. When talking on the phone and on video chat she was highly sexual and suggestive, but claimed to be very innocent. Actions speak louder than words.

3. The last time we talked I had to go to bed early and had to cut our conversation short. I got a call from my dad on whatsapp and she texted me saying "you said you were going to bed, what are you doing up when you said you were going to bed." My response to jokingly calling her a creeper and telling her why I was up was met with the one word text "whatever". No response to my next message of " be nice " for the entire day. Control issues.

Tonight I thought it over and immediately blocked and deleted her communication. Not out of malice but out of self protection. Something is wrong and I sense that this isn't good for me. Not saying she has a disorder but strange for someone to act like that right away. Sadly these signs are similar to my last relationship with my BPDex.

Sigh. Wish I had known sooner. But better late than ever. Just be careful and don't repeat the pattern again. We fooled ourselves when we didn't know about BPD. Now we have no such excuse to do that again.

You're absolutely right, it's important to notice the flags. I've written myself a checklist of warning signs so I know when to put the brakes on. From reading your experiences I agree that these are definitely bad signs!

As an update, I've seen the new man once since I first expressed concern, and he hasn't set off any alarm bells yet but I am still treading carefully. I was busy with my family over the weekend, so I told him I won't be able to text him for a while and he said that this was fine, and that he'd speak to me later. I couldn't have even dreamt of this in my last relationship with my BPD partner! If I was with family I was expected to text 24/7 and he would get SO angry and call multiple times if I even waited 10 minutes to reply to him. It's so refreshing to have somebody who can respect that I need to have time to myself!

But as I said, treading carefully. My ex set the bar incredibly low, so I'm aware I can't get overly excited over the lowest forms of respect and decency!