Working through the stages of detachment

[Dogslistentome]

I’ve been reading so many stories and responses the past few days and for the first time in years, I no longer feel crazy for my experience. Everything makes a lot more sense now.

I’m still feeling really hurt by my ex for many different reasons, she took a lot of money from me, she pathologically lied and made me lose a therapist and created a whole debacle around that, cost me my ability to take the bar exam, and countless other things that included stalking and driving by my
home and my partners home months after our break up and me finally kicking her out. It hurts because I did love her and do love her.

But as I’ve learned… I’m not a victim. I was in a codependent and very toxic relationship. It takes two to argue and I was stuck so long in trying to convince her that she was wrong, and needed to stop pathologically lying, manipulating and  if we got help it would get better. She burned through 3 therapist like it was nothing. She’s so good at lying she really convinced most of them that she was a victim. Always the victim.

I think it’s important for me to memorialize my process in this. I’d say I’m in the depression stage right now. Having moments of deep sadness and anger with brief moments of hope. I’m trying to take it one half day at a time because I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m also trying to forgive myself for everything that's happened. I flipped everything on myself and have really done a number on myself during all of this. It sounds like we all have had to work through overwhelming emotions of insecurity, fear, shame and guilt. I’m historically very hard on myself (but I’ve been working on that via therapy). I’ve done a lot of healing and understanding why I was attracted to this relationship in the first place.

I’m currently looking for a therapist and it’s been tough because of insurance, which brings the sting of my ex lying about me physically abusing her to the surface which created the situation of me losing my therapist.

I think I’m somewhere in between the self inquiry and processing stage. I have a long way to go but now I finally have resources to stop feeling so alone and ostracized by this experience.

Thank you BPD family for this site.

[Scarredheart]

I hear you. It's never easy or simple or clean with these kinds of relationships. You want to be loyal, forgiving, reasonable... They don't see it that way. Even if you were a freaking saint (none of us are), they'll find something that makes them the victim. That validates why they had to cheat and lie and steal. There's always a reason. You want to understand, to make them understand, to see reason, but they never seem to hear you. They just absorb whatever you tell them and respond with things that make you think you've lost your mind.

I've had to remind myself of the following every day. Maybe it'll help you too.

I have to remember that many things that she says about me aren't true.

I have to remember that her desperation for me to be the person she wants me to be doesn't mean I have to be that person and declining her offers doesn't mean I'm hurting her.

I have to remember that her perception of me is not reality.

I have to remember that when she imputes my character, questions my honor and honesty and/or accuses me of wrongdoing I don't need to acknowledge or substantiate it. I don't need to always defend myself or respond.

I have to remember that I can't reach her, and that it isn't my job to fix her, to heal her, or to make her feel special. She needs to do those things for herself through treatment.

I have to remember that I can't save her.

[Rev]

I’ve been reading so many stories and responses the past few days and for the first time in years, I no longer feel crazy for my experience. Everything makes a lot more sense now.

I’m still feeling really hurt by my ex for many different reasons, she took a lot of money from me, she pathologically lied and made me lose a therapist and created a whole debacle around that, cost me my ability to take the bar exam, and countless other things that included stalking and driving by my
home and my partners home months after our break up and me finally kicking her out. It hurts because I did love her and do love her.

But as I’ve learned… I’m not a victim. I was in a codependent and very toxic relationship. It takes two to argue and I was stuck so long in trying to convince her that she was wrong, and needed to stop pathologically lying, manipulating and  if we got help it would get better. She burned through 3 therapist like it was nothing. She’s so good at lying she really convinced most of them that she was a victim. Always the victim.

I think it’s important for me to memorialize my process in this. I’d say I’m in the depression stage right now. Having moments of deep sadness and anger with brief moments of hope. I’m trying to take it one half day at a time because I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m also trying to forgive myself for everything that's happened. I flipped everything on myself and have really done a number on myself during all of this. It sounds like we all have had to work through overwhelming emotions of insecurity, fear, shame and guilt. I’m historically very hard on myself (but I’ve been working on that via therapy). I’ve done a lot of healing and understanding why I was attracted to this relationship in the first place.

I’m currently looking for a therapist and it’s been tough because of insurance, which brings the sting of my ex lying about me physically abusing her to the surface which created the situation of me losing my therapist.

I think I’m somewhere in between the self inquiry and processing stage. I have a long way to go but now I finally have resources to stop feeling so alone and ostracized by this experience.

Thank you BPD family for this site.

My friend... what a beautiful testimony.

Thank you for this.

I too love this place.


Rev

[Cromwell]

Well done to you getting support, putting the work in and feeling a sense of progression.

Thanks for the kind words to the community it made pivotal difference to realise I wasn't alone in the complexity and there are folk out there who want to and can help lighten that load.

Rooting for you and everyone else on their journeys.

Crom

[EZEarache]

I have to remember that many things that she says about me aren't true.

I have to remember that her desperation for me to be the person she wants me to be doesn't mean I have to be that person and declining her offers doesn't mean I'm hurting her.

I have to remember that her perception of me is not reality.

I have to remember that when she imputes my character, questions my honor and honesty and/or accuses me of wrongdoing I don't need to acknowledge or substantiate it. I don't need to always defend myself or respond.

I have to remember that I can't reach her, and that it isn't my job to fix her, to heal her, or to make her feel special. She needs to do those things for herself through treatment.

I have to remember that I can't save her.

I need to print this out and frame it.

[ILMBPDC]

I’ve done a lot of healing and understanding why I was attracted to this relationship in the first place.

This is so important. SO Important.
I'm actually going to a retreat in 2 weeks to work on this because I truly cannot keep on having sh***y relationships ( and I have had very few relationships that weren't). The gist of the retreat is that the energy you put out attracts people with certain energy to you. It works a lot on self love and respect - and no matter what you believe about "energy", having love and respect for yourself and setting boundaries will ultimately lead to attracting better relationships.  

I think I’m somewhere in between the self inquiry and processing stage. I have a long way to go but now I finally have resources to stop feeling so alone and ostracized by this experience.

You are definitely not alone.  Feel free to vent as necessary - we have all been there.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again, Dogslistentome 

I am so glad you are reaping the benefits of this wonderful site. It has been a lifeline to so many of us, whatever stage we are in. Like you, I learned a lot by reading other's posts. I also learned by sharing my own story and receiving help by the questions and thoughts offered. You're in a great place because you want to learn.

I think I’m somewhere in between the self inquiry and processing stage.

These stages will ebb and flow, like the gentle waves on a beach as the tide comes and goes. Sometimes the stages will be like crashing waves that you just have to find a safe place from for a spell. Whatever stage you're in is okay. We love to walk alongside you, and we may poke you along at times too. You're doing the necessary hard work to look inside and help to stop the cycle.

Hang in there, one day at a time as you said.

 
Wools