Hard decisions

[Scarredheart]

She's been aware for a while now that I'm filing for divorce, and she's said that she's willing to file a joint divorce with me (assuming she follows through). We're supposed to go the courthouse together in September and get it done. In the meantime, she's really trying to show me that she's changed/changing. She's trying to communicate more, she's trying to show interest in what's going on my life, and saying that she's going to go in for treatment. It all sounds so hopeful, so promising. Unfortunately, there are three problems that I see.

Firstly, I've heard these promises and seen this behavior before. In the past, whenever we would have a serious falling out, and I would take a stand and say "I can't take this any more.", she would "change". Usually for between a day and a week. Then she would go right back to the way she was before. This happened so often that I finally ended up saying "I'm bringing this up because I feel we need to communicate, but I honestly don't think anything is going to change at this point." It may sound cruel, but after 30 or so times I was out of hope.

Secondly, although she's chasing me, trying to show how she's now able to have open and clear discussions, that she's willing to go for treatment, that she cares about me and is "sorry", she's also, in the same conversation, end every apology with not only a justification of her actions, but she ultimately ends it with the fact that it's my fault.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, but sleeping with those guys was my coping mechanism, and I had no choice since you threw me to the wolves and abandoned me." She would then go on to say how she only wanted me and that the men? "They were only bodies, where you should have been." Yet when asked why she didn't speak to me, approach me if she was going to go to other men, her response was "How could I have known that I could?" Of course you couldn't have known. You never asked.

Finally, even now, her beliefs are all over the place. On one hand, she only wants me, that I'm the only one for her, that she wants the home she had with me back, but at the same time says that I've brainwashed her boys against her because they witnessed her behavior and disagree with her version of events (When I didn't have to say I thing, they just saw what she did and said right in front of them.), that my words and actions don't mean anything, it's "what's behind my eyes" that counts. The fact that still, to this day, she still only admits to what I can prove, and whatever she's done will not be admitted to unless I confront her on it. That she's admitted that it's her feelings and not the facts that dictate her actions.

For all those reasons, I cannot trust what she is doing and saying. I will never go back to her or stay married to her because in the end she will do whatever she feels like doing, and everything that she would do behind my back would be the same things she's done before whenever her feelings fall back into the previous patterns.

I deserve better than to be safety blanket or an anchor. She cannot or will not be faithful, truthful or open with me, so despite all of her current actions and desperate words, I cannot trust her to be consistent, so I'll let her go and move on.

I take my marriage vows seriously. If I had any other choice to save this marriage, I would take it, but there isn't.

One day at a time.

[Selfishsally]

Yes, those are very hard decisions you are making. But they are very brave as well. Especially with her cheating and her attitude towards all of that it must feel like you are out options.
Are you feeling any relief at this moment?

[Scarredheart]

Yes, those are very hard decisions you are making. But they are very brave as well. Especially with her cheating and her attitude towards all of that it must feel like you are out options.
Are you feeling any relief at this moment?

Throughout it all I’ve felt so disappointed that she was willing to not only throw away all that we had, and that despite all the time we had together, it seems she never really valued us.

I’ve accepted that ultimately it’s her choice. I can only be responsible for my words and actions. I know in my heart that I gave everything I had for us. I was not a perfect spouse, but no one can claim to be. I made my share of mistakes, but I was always willing to communicate with her and compromise. She wasn’t.

I’ll keep working on me, but I will not pursue her or accept her “offers” such as they are. I can’t live in a destructive relationship any longer. I’m healing. There are days that I still mourn us, but I remind myself that no one forced her to sleep with those men, and I was there. She could have reached out to me instead of them. I mourn us less and less and I can feel this sense of freedom that I’ve never felt before starting to bloom inside me.

At some point in the future, I’ll find someone new. I just won’t ignore the red flags or accept someone who’s damaged that expects someone else to fix them.

Healthy relationships from now on.

[Selfishsally]

I know you have been going through all of this for awhile. I am jealous, however, that you can actually close the door on this and move on with life now.
Best of luck with those healthy relationships!

[Scarredheart]

I know you have been going through all of this for awhile. I am jealous, however, that you can actually close the door on this and move on with life now.
Best of luck with those healthy relationships!

Thanks. I'm far from free of it all, but I'm getting there. You'll get there too. I don't doubt it.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Scarredheart,

You are thinking things through and coming to a good place of resolution. Good job.  It's been a journey for you.

In my own journey, it took me quite some time to understand that behaviour changes are only temporary. It's the changes that come from the heart that indicate true repentance and remorse and will last over time. I so longed for those changes to come from my exH, but he didn't see that he had any problem; therefore there was nothing to correct or change or apologize for.

In the end I learned that I had to deal with my problem which was that I was not okay in living in an emotionally abusive, controlling environment. Like you, I took that stand and separated, eventually leading to divorce. This side of divorce my head is finally much clearer, and I can see how much I had been sucked into the trying to please and make it work. I believe that the value of a person is important, and I had to begin to see myself as having value. When I realized that, I began to be freed from some of the guilt that comes with walking down the path of detaching. It's definitely a process that takes time.

Keep hanging in there. 

Wools

[Scarredheart]

Hi Scarredheart,

You are thinking things through and coming to a good place of resolution. Good job.  It's been a journey for you.

In my own journey, it took me quite some time to understand that behaviour changes are only temporary. It's the changes that come from the heart that indicate true repentance and remorse and will last over time. I so longed for those changes to come from my exH, but he didn't see that he had any problem; therefore there was nothing to correct or change or apologize for.

In the end I learned that I had to deal with my problem which was that I was not okay in living in an emotionally abusive, controlling environment. Like you, I took that stand and separated, eventually leading to divorce. This side of divorce my head is finally much clearer, and I can see how much I had been sucked into the trying to please and make it work. I believe that the value of a person is important, and I had to begin to see myself as having value. When I realized that, I began to be freed from some of the guilt that comes with walking down the path of detaching. It's definitely a process that takes time.

Keep hanging in there. 

Wools

Thanks.

Yeah the guilt is the kicker. I went through a wide range of emotions, but guilt was my constant companion. Could I have done something different? Could I have said something that would have reached her? The answer is no. Nothing I could do or say would have changed the outcome. She's just not in a place where she can be in a serious relationship without sabotaging it. It's sad, and I wish there had been a solution that would have "fixed" her and let us be together, but in the end, would I have recognized her once fixed? Maybe, maybe not. No point in wondering over what I can't change.

One day at a time.

[Rev]

Thanks.

Yeah the guilt is the kicker. I went through a wide range of emotions, but guilt was my constant companion. Could I have done something different? Could I have said something that would have reached her? The answer is no. Nothing I could do or say would have changed the outcome. She's just not in a place where she can be in a serious relationship without sabotaging it. It's sad, and I wish there had been a solution that would have "fixed" her and let us be together, but in the end, would I have recognized her once fixed? Maybe, maybe not. No point in wondering over what I can't change.

One day at a time.

Yep... one day at a time...

I would add that once here, the BPD card doesn't apply any longer in the sense that any divorce is as bad or worse than grieving a death. No matter the reason, BPD or otherwise, when a marriage comes apart, an whirlwind of emotions is unleashed.

The slower you go and more intentional you are about healing and knowing yourself (what you believe, why you believe it, what you are doing to live by those beliefs) then the better you'll put yourself back together.

Hang in there.  You're doing great - even if it's hard. 

Rev

[Rev]

Yep... one day at a time...

I would add that once here, the BPD card doesn't apply any longer in the sense that any divorce is as bad or worse than grieving a death. No matter the reason, BPD or otherwise, when a marriage comes apart, a whirlwind of emotions is unleashed.

The slower you go and more intentional you are about healing and knowing yourself (what you believe, why you believe it, what you are doing to live by those beliefs) then the better you'll put yourself back together.

Hang in there.  You're doing great - even if it's hard. 

Rev

[Scarredheart]

Thanks Rev. The encouragement is very much appreciated.

I would add that once here, the BPD card doesn't apply any longer in the sense that any divorce is as bad or worse than grieving a death. No matter the reason, BPD or otherwise, when a marriage comes apart, an whirlwind of emotions is unleashed.

I don't know if I agree. I find that BPD adds another layer that wouldn't normally be there. The lack of closure, the inability to explain any of her actions to any satisfactory degree, the feeling of sheer waste of ten years of a relationship all seem magnified because of the BPD aspect. The fact that reason can never enter the picture because her perception of reality will always be based on her feelings and not on what is means that you can't ever expect her to be honorable or fair in the divorce and you always have to be on your guard that she hasn't changed her mind about something and made some snap decision. I think there would less of a need for hypervigilance if BPD was not part of the equation.