Adult Child Diagnosed With BPD

[SafeAwayFromHer]

Though my daughter was diagnosed with BPD at age 23, now that I’ve learned a lot about it I believe she’s had it since infancy.  Her father has BPD and schizophrenia, but I was never formerly told until my daughter told me a couple years ago.  I did find his lithium bottle in 1995, which he told me was for his arthritis.  He was very violent and physically abusive, and constant liar, false memories and false accusations were the norm, he cheated on me repeatedly but accused me of cheating, and used me basically for money.  He very often dissociated, and had catatonia where he’d stare off to the side and shake his right leg up and down repeatedly. He attempted suicide 3 times and talked about it on occasion.  He told me from the beginning “I know you’re going to leave me.”  The divorce was final in 1998 .  He said he was going to kill me at best, and ruin me at least.  I spent the next 10 years in and out of court over custody and child support which I rarely got, but managed to be successful and put my girls through private school on my own income.  He had rejected my daughter several times and really started picking on her (his new target of blame?) and stopped seeing both children altogether in 2005.  

My daughter started showing these same symptoms very early.  Dissociation (which I called “zoning out” because I didn’t know what it really was) was there since she was a toddler.  Violent mood swings, often in public, were common, as well as false accusations, false memories, a bizarre habit of pretending to be something she’s not (speaking in accents, drastic changes in manner of dress, telling people stories about her past that were completely untrue), cutting, refusing to flush the toilet, and she had an eating disorder since infancy where she’d only eat things that were white, yellow or brown, with the exception of pizza could only have pepperoni and cheese (and the cheese better be all the way to the crust or there was another public outburst).  Her abuse of me and her sibling started when she was probably 5 - kicking, punching, putting stuff in my food or drink, purposely breaking something, pushing the baby down the stairs.  I took her to a child psychologist for about a year around 2002, and was told she had been emotionally harmed by her dad and was just acting out.  Her behavior escalated.  She refused to get a drivers license and wanted me to carry her around.  Wouldn’t get a job after graduation in 2009.  When I made her put in an application a day, she got a job in 2011, and started to try to move in with anyone she worked with.  They kept kicking her out.  She finally moved in with a guy In 2012, got married with a few months in 2013, and had her first suicide attempt in 2014, and was diagnosed with BPD.  She would rarely talk to me anyway, and when she did there was nothing she wouldn’t say to me. She quit talking altogether in 2016 when I refused to give her money.  I heard from her one day in 2018, but refused to send money and that time I discarded her.  I’m good with it.  I know she will only get worse and I can’t have a relationship with her.  Her sibling hasn’t talked to her since a violent episode in 2016.  If she comes back to threaten me again, I will have to get a restraining order.  

My question is, why am I the target of blame?  Why is she saying it’s all my fault?  Could she also have schizophrenia?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SafeAwayFromHer]

I’m not getting any help at all here.

[SafeAwayFromHer]

Any help would be great.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi SafeAwayFromHer:
I'm sorry you hadn't gotten any replies. It's been very slow around her, since Covid (from the perspective of veteran members posting).  Additionally, more veteran members are around on weekdays.

Some people browse for unanswered posts - with a zero next to it.  Sometimes, people will wait a couple of days and if they still haven't gotten replies, they will start a new thread.  

My question is, why am I the target of blame?  Why is she saying it’s all my fault?  Could she also have schizophrenia?

She could have both BPD and schizophrenia, like her dad. BPD doesn't usually stand alone.  Most people have multiple issues. A diagnosis is somewhat subjective and many people with BPD have had multiple diagnoses. People with BPD commonly blame others and project their feelings onto others. Some lie a lot, and even believe their lies. If they tag you as the one with bad behaviors, then they can't be responsible for their actions.

It's common, also, for someone to be the scapegoat.  Is she still married?

Has your daughter ever blamed her father?  

Sounds like it's been a very rocky road for you, and your daughter.  Sorry you ex didn't share his mental illness diagnosis with you, prior to marriage.  At least you could have made a decision if you wanted to stay in the relationship and risk genetic issues with a child.

BPD can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.  Some people buy into the theory that it can be environmental only, but my thoughts are that most abusive people are dealing with some brain chemistry or brain wiring issues.  They may never get a diagnosis or treatment, but that doesn't mean that there wasn't a genetic issue that was passed on to a child.

[SafeAwayFromHer]

Thank you so much for reaching out.  I guess I don’t understand how things go on forums.  Thought I may have said something wrong.  Thanks for helping.

Funny you should ask the questions you did.  My daughter didn’t visit her dad and his new girlfriend since 2004, and didn’t talk to him since 2008.  She blamed him CONSTANTLY for her issues, (which were solidified In the counselor visits in 2002).  Said she’d never talk to him again.  But as her abusive behavior and manipulation escalated over time, so did her expenses.  I didn’t dare at all during those years; I stayed alone and took care of my kids.  It was awful to be so isolated, but when she finally left home and the youngest child was about the p graduate, I started dating and met someone.  First thing she said, “Get rod of him or you’ll never see me again.”  He said, “Stop giving her money immediately.”  Though I only saw her when I was handing over money, when I quit giving her money she immediately cut ties with me and started trying to find her dad.  When she texted me later that her dad was giving her money (well he has no money - job to job - was always stealing money from my purse - it was the new girlfriend/wife who ponies up the money) and she didn’t need mine, she said “I told you that me and my new boyfriend needed a few thousand dollars to get set up in an apartment and you weren’t helping me at all.” 

She’s still married to that boyfriend, who’s ADHD.  They’re both job to job all the time, too.  They’ve cheated on each other more than I know, and she’s threatened to divorce him soo many times cuz she can “get better”.  When she was texting years ago, I’d tell her not to proceed as she likely would not get custody with the violence. suicide attempts and ideation.  She said her therapist told her she easily could, which I think that a therapist giving legal advise is unlikely.  Then he’d threaten to leave her because his mom could help him with the kids.  Suddenly she was pregnant again.  At any rate, the last I heard they’re still together and have 3 kids now.  She’s said many times to me and her sibling “you’ll never know my kids!”  What kind of threat is that?

So as I said before, I was a single parent with very rare child support.  With me as my ex’s target of blame out of the picture, sure seems like he picked her.  Then he dumped her.  She did the strangest thing some months before she quit talking to me.  She asked me “what was that song about driving in a car you used to listen to?”  Well that was Tracy Chapman, and the song was Fast Car.  She said she loved it.  Like a dumb dumb, I sent her the cd.  Thought it might help.  Suddenly what happened in the song was the way her life went and she believed every bit of it.  Suddenly I’d left her and her dad, and she’s grown up with her dad all those years, though he’d dumped her years ago.  ?

Sorry to ramble, but thank you for helping me.  I just don’t understand as this it’s so confusing.  My husband (wonderful, wonderful man) says she’ll come back when the dad dies/gets divorced (he and the wife constantly separated) because she’s run out of resources.  I’m okay that she’s gone for good.  I was reading some other posts on this site; I think her severe physical abuse has already started.

[SafeAwayFromHer]

Also, when we refuse to give her money she’s said “Don’t ever contact me again, or this will constitute harassment.”  So we don’t.  But then years pass and she contacts us/me, which results in her same discarding.  

[Swimmy55]

It sounds like you have established healthy boundaries with her re: giving her money.  You can't possibly subsidize her life choices  forever.  Keep on working on you  and your life.  It also helps to do some reading up on BPD , and the library here offers some titles.  A popular one is "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  It was very eye opening for me.  Stay strong and write here as you need to.

[beatricex]

Hi SafeAwayfromHer,
The BPD'd person in my life is my step-daughter, who is a married adult (25) with two small children.  There must be a playbook.  I have also heard "don't contact me again or I will file for harrassment!"

This actually scared me and we (my husband) blocked her on his phone.

I'm sorry I cannot say if she is also schizophrenic, as I have no experience with that disorder.

Your handle is "safeawayfromHer".  Are you going no contact?  It seems that is a powerful choice of a handle, and perhaps taking care of you at this time is wise?

B

[SafeAwayFromHer]

Thanks so much, B.  I needed to hear that you’ve also heard the same “don’t contact me again” comments.  I wonder sometimes why I think my experience is so original.  There does seem to be a playbook. 

We do feel safe away from her.  She was getting increasingly violent.  We had to draw the line and set solid boundaries.  She’ll reach out when she needs resources.  But her threats and lies I can’t get over.  Plus, you read stories here about parents getting physically abused by BPs, and we’re not going to let it go there.  The uncertainty about the future - on her end and ours - is the wonder.  Who knows what will happen next?  It’s never over with her it seems.

[beatricex]

SafeawayfromHer,
You do realize it's not your job to take care of your adult daughter, right?  I tell myself this a lot, and it helped we heard it from our counselor.  It's her job to take care of herself, she's an adult now.

My husband and I both struggle with the idea we have to emotionally or financially take care of his adult kids.  It seems we bought into that, but the more we hear otherwise from the counselor, the more we're getting it. 

This is the hardest part. 

Imagine your life back, what will you do?    I hope this gives you some joy, because there really is an end, it's called boundaries.

((safeawayfromher)  that is a big hug for you

I'm sorry you're even afraid of being physically abused.  that is a serious reason to set a boundary.  sometimes the boundary is a wall, for this reason, and I get it.

B