What would you say if they asked for you back/if you missed it?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was ruminating today and I like to play the "what if" game in my head a lot, in all aspects of life.  Today I asked myself, if, when she and I meet 1 year to the day that we met (2.5 months from now) at the exact location (I had this plan myself, just to go and do some reflecting on the past year and all that I have learned, I shared it with her and she said she would meet me there.  Who knows if she actually will), she asked me "do you miss us?" what would I say?  I came up with my response.  Thought it may be productive for others to think about that.  It could help reinforce the decisions we have made.

I would say:

Do I miss it?  I miss the times when you and I would watch movies together.  Or cuddle, or go to bed together, or those few times where you and I just spent a few hours playing around with each other.  The times when it was just you and me, no outside world looking in, no other people to distract you and cause us problems.  Those were the times that I loved you the most, when I felt your love the most, and when I felt like our relationship was the most real.

Do I miss the other 90% of the relationship? The lies, the cheating, the deceitfulness? Not at all.  I deserve, and I can do MUCH better than that.  For all the love I am capable of giving to someone, I would be cheating myself to give it to someone who doesn't give theirs back and goes out and cheats and lies like you did our entire relationship.


It still hurts a bit to think that she would do all that she did to me, someone I loved like I did.  As time goes on however I come to believe more and more that it has so little to do with me and so much more to do with her.

In an odd way, it is almost comforting to think of myself as "just another guy" for her.  She has had plenty before me and will have more after me.  If I look at myself as being "just another guy in her string of them" instead of "someone special", I realize that it isn't healthy or normal at all for someone to have been with as many guys, as consecutively (and overlapping!) as she has.  I was just another bandaid she put on the wound on her soul.  It depersonalizes the experience and helps me realize that it does not matter how I treated her, good or bad, because as soon as I met her, I was "nexted" just like every guy before me has been.  The relationship was never about US, it was about her.

[Octoberfest]

I was ruminating today and I like to play the "what if" game in my head a lot, in all aspects of life.  Today I asked myself, if, when she and I meet 1 year to the day that we met (2.5 months from now) at the exact location (I had this plan myself, just to go and do some reflecting on the past year and all that I have learned, I shared it with her and she said she would meet me there.  Who knows if she actually will), she asked me "do you miss us?" what would I say?  I came up with my response.  Thought it may be productive for others to think about that.  It could help reinforce the decisions we have made.

I would say:

Do I miss it?  I miss the times when you and I would watch movies together.  Or cuddle, or go to bed together, or those few times where you and I just spent a few hours playing around with each other.  The times when it was just you and me, no outside world looking in, no other people to distract you and cause us problems.  Those were the times that I loved you the most, when I felt your love the most, and when I felt like our relationship was the most real.

Do I miss the other 90% of the relationship? The lies, the cheating, the deceitfulness? Not at all.  I deserve, and I can do MUCH better than that.  For all the love I am capable of giving to someone, I would be cheating myself to give it to someone who doesn't give theirs back and goes out and cheats and lies like you did our entire relationship.


It still hurts a bit to think that she would do all that she did to me, someone I loved like I did.  As time goes on however I come to believe more and more that it has so little to do with me and so much more to do with her.

In an odd way, it is almost comforting to think of myself as "just another guy" for her.  She has had plenty before me and will have more after me.  If I look at myself as being "just another guy in her string of them" instead of "someone special", I realize that it isn't healthy or normal at all for someone to have been with as many guys, as consecutively (and overlapping!) as she has.  I was just another bandaid she put on the wound on her soul.  It depersonalizes the experience and helps me realize that it does not matter how I treated her, good or bad, because as soon as I met her, I was "nexted" just like every guy before me has been.  The relationship was never about US, it was about her.

[laelle]

I would say its a futile effort and we are only hurting each other.  Maybe we will get it right in the next life.

[ISwallowedaFly]

hey octoberfest,

i think a lot of the process is about depersonalizing the wounds; wounds that obviously and naturally feel very personal. a lot of the process is learning, like you are, and i think a lot of the process is simply a matter of time.

"As time goes on however I come to believe more and more that it has so little to do with me and so much more to do with her."

i know what you mean here, i do, but i would suggest that a particular focus on that attitude will not lead you to full healing. youre the only one you can work on/change. just an example: lets say you were prince charming until you were pushed to your brink and got angry. thats a natural reaction. but remaining in that situation is kind of like putting your hand on a stove and just waiting for it to get hot. ultimately, and when youre ready, you will get further finding/examining your errors, in whatever aspect. this may also be easier to focus on over time. what is true is that the disorder is not about you. "the lies, the cheating, the deceitfulness" are not about you. none of us are perfect, everyone has inadequacies. these kinds of wounds, to put it mildly, naturally make us feel inadequate. but you dont have to play the what if game here. disordered, hurtful actions, were a matter of time.

"In an odd way, it is almost comforting to think of myself as "just another guy" for her.  She has had plenty before me and will have more after me.  If I look at myself as being "just another guy in her string of them" instead of "someone special","

i think this kind of thing requires a very delicate balance and many people struggle with it. again, its about depersonalizing. the idea of being discarded is a pretty painful thought, however, again, it isnt personal. its over time that you get the realistic picture, sort out what was special and what wasnt for you, and you reach that place comfortably.

[eniale]

Thinking of yourself as "just another guy" for her is, I think, a very healthy and helpful way to look at it.  It shows you are moving beyond the personal pain and looking at the reality of it.  The most painful part for me, at the very beginning, was "clinging to the words I loved to hear."  It was so hurtful!  Until I realized that our thought processes were entirely different.  I say what I mean and mean what I say.  He says what he means -- at the moment -- but what he says depends on his feelings and they change constantly.  He has no center core.  Truth for him is not a constant -- it is a variable, and truth is truth, not a variable.  About 2 1/2 months after our breakup, I came across his Valentine's Day card from last year.  He had written (in red ink, no less) not just "Love" but "I Love You!"  Instead of making me sad, it was an insightful moment.  We broke up Feb. 7th of this year because he betrayed me.  I realize he probably wrote those same words on a card to her this year, so the words he wrote to me last Val. Day were not worth the paper they were written on.  I look upon myself as "just another meal n his food chain" and it is helping me heal because it is freeing me from my illusion that I ever meant as much to him as he did to me.  Also makes me realize that I really lost nothing, as the man I fell in love with was only my flawed perception of who he was.  When he did what he did, he showed me who he really is.  As my T says, "you should thank him for showing you who he really is."  What gave me so much pain was seeing him as I thought he was.  But he is controlled by his BPD so thoughts of "what he said" or "what we could have had together" are no longer relevant. 

[Clearmind]

What would you say if they asked for you back? - I enjoyed what we had and now its time to move forward. I have come to realize that we were not as compatible as I once thought. I wish you well.

[Sleep doc]

What would I say?  I miss the laughter, the jokes, and moments only we understood and how she made me feel like a kid again, that I could accomplish anything and that I could take on the world, that I was the world. It wasn't worth the pain, the anger and the hurt we both inflicted on each other or the irrationality, manipulation, and outright deceit it became in the end.  Out of respect to myself and deference to you I think we should never see each other in any way, shape or form ever again.  I know we were once friends and this is what you want to recapture but I think it is foolish to assume that we won't just stir up old feelings again.  I truly hope you are happy someday, and I hope to get to the point where I am indifferent to that happiness if not happy for you, but I don't want a ringside seat and you shouldn't offer me the ticket.    I am finally starting to become happy again in my life, and I can tell you it is a feeling you should strive for, and having me in your life won't help you get there.

Good luck and I hope that the right man comes along and gives you all of the joy and so much less of the pain.  Take care and god bless.

BTW, that is after a lot of therapy and soul searching.  I do miss her, but I just miss her less and less every day and more importantly just can't seem to figure out how I could even make time to reengage.  It is so weird too because I remember a time when this was so intense that it was painful not to be near her or to hear her voice.  Just really crazy how much less it has become... . like a remnant of a memory that you know will just keep fading.

[confetti]

What would I say?... . nothing. I'd blink a lot or look at the floor.

I've learned that anything I say can be used against me... . why bother?

It was real for a hot minute. Talking about the good times to myself, how intimate we were... . it is only a kaleidoscope version of the past. Just because I can't voice it doesn't mean I didn't appreciate a single thing. What is there to prove thst you have not?

Sometimes, we cannot speak. Nothing speaks louder than anything you can ever say.

If you I would choose to, it'd be a lash. What's that saying... . pwBPD hear and read just fine.

[marbleloser]

"do you miss us?"

I was asked this exact thing.Don't fall for it if it happens.

[WalrusGumboot]

What about "We just do not work"? I think any additional elaboration would fall on deaf ears.

[asher2]

If I had the choice and she somehow indicated this to me, I wouldn't reply at all. I feel that is the most loving way I could respond for myself. It isn't about her anymore. It's about me and taking care of me.

If I were put in a situation where somehow I was made to respond, I'd tell her that I hope she finds what she needs in life and that I pray for her often, but I have no desire to be with her. And I'd keep the conversation very short. Again, it's about me now, not her.

[spaceace]

I would say, "why"? why did you do this to our marriage 3 times?

And knowing I would not get an answer, it would end with that.

I know I could never go back... . but that doesn't take away the pain I am in now... . nothing but time and space will do that... .

[Rose Tiger]

"I'm involved with someone else now" (myself) 

[laelle]

"I'm involved with someone else now" (myself) 

LOL 

[Octoberfest]

"I'm involved with someone else now" (myself) 

Prime   

[KE151]

She actually did, two weeks ago, 15 mos after the breakup, 14 mos NC. In a long email, very romantic, very seductive.

I didn't respond, like I haven't to any of the other messages. For a second I thought I'd reply this once:

"I don't love you anymore. I have moved on long time ago. I hope you will too. Stop contacting me or I'll go to the police to get a restraining order against you. Goodbye."

[asher2]

KE151... . 14 months NC? That kind of stuff blows me away!

[KE151]

KE151... . 14 months NC? That kind of stuff blows me away!

She emails me, texts me, calls me, sometimes "accidentally" bumps into me (we live half a mile from each other) and tries to start a conversation. She goes into this recycling attempt mode every few months.

And come to think of it, I kinda did break NC 30 April. She walked up to my table at a cafe, asked something irrelevant to start a conversation and I replied very short, she walked away :-)

The point is, I feel I'm never going to be erased from her life, and that's pretty frustrating. But knowing this helps me focus on myself and slowly get to the point where I truly don't care anymore.

[VeryFree]

First I would have to pick myself up from under the table.

After that... . I really don't know. I just hope it doesn't happen, because I'm afraid I would give an answer. An answer that isn't going to help me.

[gettingoverit]

I would laugh out loud, and while I was walking away I would give my middle finger! Lol.

[SurvivedLove]

I'd tell him to scoot back to his furry world and get laid, cause my time is too precious to wander around Lala-Land and boost his ego.

And after that, I'd smile and wish him a good trip there .

[Lao Tzu]

     I'm with VeryScared, unfortunately.  I won't repeat my previous posts, but they're in the Intro Board if you want the whole (typical) story.  The key point is that the r/s with my uBPDexgf was 30 years ago and now, by accident apparently, she not only works where I do, but I actually report to her.  Thirty years after a 3 month r/s and it couldn't be much fresher than if it were 30 days. 

     The thing that buzzes what is left of my brain these days is that even though I now understand her (and a lot more about myself), If she looked into my eyes tomorrow and said she wanted me back, I don't believe I could actually say no.  Thirty freakin' years of NC and 25 of them with a very sweet non-BPD wife so far and I would throw away the job, the wife my self respect and anything else I have for what I know without a doubt would be a very brief fling prior to another complete abandonment.

     I mentioned on the other board that I really feel like the little robot boy in the Spielberg movie who was programmed to love a woman who carelessly abandoned him completely after a very short time.  He waited for centuries, thinking only of her, but she apparently could never come back.  Then he was offered the chance to either spend only one day with her or spend a normal lifetime without her.  Without hesitation he picked the one day with her, of course. I'm probably wrong, but if that story wasn't written by someone who had a relationship like this I'd be very surprised.  My personal problem is that I'm, literally, "VeryScared" I would choose the one day gig too if it were ever offered.   

     Of course you all probably understand quite well that one of the many ironies here is that I'm also a little scared I WON'T have the choice.