What's the best way to handle being discarded?

[Breathe066]

My estranged H and I are divorcing. He has been busy painting me black to everyone who would listen, saying I destroyed his life and I owe him money (the opposite is true, although it took an appointment with an accountant and going over bank records to see it--I actually felt as though I did owe him money because he said I did and I just took his word for it). I still love him and am having a hard time letting go emotionally. So, I checked social media last night (he made me quit FB while we were together) and he's back on FB and posting photos and dozens and dozens of people who barely know him and have never been married to him are telling him how wonderful and happy he looks. I had a juvenile moment and fully resurrected my own FB page. Of course, I unfriended everyone while we were still together because he was so jealous (of men and women) so mine is pretty empty. It was a silly thing to do, but the idea of being badmouthed by him and his constant peddling of his false narrative really pissed me off after I have endured so much verbal and emotional abuse from him.
So, he has discarded me. It is clear his has moved on. What do I do? I feel very alone, sad, and yes, I will admit it, empty. I have a very hard time reaching out and making friends. I'm very shy and I think that's one big reason why I was easy prey for him.  And, perhaps most painful of all, I can't understand how he can just move on as if we never happened.
I want to scream "He's an abusive jackass! I was married to him! He's grossly disloyal, a pathological liar and philanderer and he will badmouth all of you! How pathetic he thought you all were was a regular topic of our conversations. He despises you but he needs to believe he is popular!"

[patientandclear]

Breathe--the FB phenomenon around stuff like this IS hard to watch. I've seen the same with my kid's dad. He posts sometimes about her and gets unwarranted kudos from acquaintances about his amazing role as a parent. Sometimes accompanied by stories about some terrible thing I have done or a vague reference to my bad qualities. It's not just hard for me to read--it plays a role in maintaining his denial that his behavior is problematic for themselves and others. It's hard to learn that lesson when.a thousand "friends" are giving you atta-boys.

FB functions (in addition to other benign ways) as a stream of approval for people who should be suffering losses due to bad behavior.

I find it's best just not to look. I know it happens. I also know that over time, the truth is your friend and the people who are at all important in your life figure it out.

Also, I hear you about being shy and the loneliness and emptiness that comes in the aftermath of a split like this. He is filling that emptiness superficially. My BPD ex (not the FB poster) fills it with sudden change: new city, career path, romantic interest. You will probably fill yours more slowly and with more ambivalence especially at first but later, it will be full of real connections and things that will sustain you.

I'm sorry this hurts so much. I find accepting that I am hurting for good and legitimate reasons and making space for the hurt to remain as long as it needs to is the best way to diminish its effects. Don't fight it. Hurt is the right thing to be given all that happened. Later, maybe a long while later, it will change to some different feeling.

 

[Breathe066]

Patient and Clear,

I cannot thank you enough for this profoundly helpful paragraph: "I'm sorry this hurts so much. I find accepting that I am hurting for good and legitimate reasons and making space for the hurt to remain as long as it needs to is the best way to diminish its effects. Don't fight it. Hurt is the right thing to be given all that happened. Later, maybe a long while later, it will change to some different feeling."

I'm going to print that out in huge letters.

Yes, it's normal to be hurt still. Not nearly enough time has passed to be as jolly as he is. He also has moved to a new city, got a new job, a pack of new hobbies-- and I would say a new lover, but they were involved before he left me (in fact, I may be his only relationship ever that didn't "overlap" with the previous one; of course, that's based on what I knew and there was much, I am learning, that I did not know).

[RomanticFool]

Hi Breathe,

I am sorry you are feeling so hurt and empty. 9 weeks ago I was feeling very bleak indeed at my exBPD's distancing behaviour. She claimed we could no longer see each other because her husband had discovered our affair. When I quizzed her in more detail she replied, ':)on't worry he doesn't know it's you.' In fact she seemed altogether untroubled about her husband for somebody who had supposedly been rumbled. My reading of the situation is either there was somebody else or she had enough of me saying I wanted to see more of her.

In any case I walked away and she didn't try to pull me back in. There have been 2 fairly pathetic possible recycle attempts (people on here advise me that's what they were) which I have rejected.

It is hard because I miss her profoundly but in the end I just didn't trust her. Her behaviour was secretive and erratic and she inflicted ST on me so many times towards the end that it became farcical. She forced me into a position where I either walked away or became a doormat, so I walked.

It does get easier. After 9 weeks I am feeling less desperate, even though I miss her physically and miss talking to her, even though she barely said anything. What I don't miss is the abuse. Constantly looking for her texts and feeling like I would die if she didn't text me.

My journey will continue through life now unencumbered by this addictive r/s, leaving me free to make healthier decisions about where my life should go next.