My story, want additional comments... if possible.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Update: Talked to a psychiatrist I met this week and told her my story and she said my assessment of my exBPD friend's behavior as BPD was likely correct.  I posted once before but received few comments, except for the ever excellent Schwing, and was curious as to others thinking.

I have met thousands of men and women in my life, but never have I had an experience like this... .


My story:

The woman in question was from a foreign country (in Asia)... .from a high end family... .parents both professors, most likely with money.  The woman was 15 years younger than me.  I met her 8 years ago when she was about 25 and I was 40.  She studied the arts.  I admit I had a bit of a crush on her but never did much because of the age difference and the strict culture she is from.  If I were 50 and she were 35 it might have been a different story.  Additional back story, the woman was sent to america alone to go to an expensive high school and ended up getting 3 college degrees in America in the arts.  She has spent most of her adult life on her own in America with her parents back in Asia.  I met her through a guy who was a slight friend of mine who she "dated" and slept with and they broke up after no more than a month at most.  He treated her like garbage.  She was nothing to him.  

Six months after I first met her she said I was her best friend (even though I had only met her 3 times at this point).  I found it strange but of course it sounds nice.  As time went on she would contact me once and awhile and we would hang out.  Of course, she would typically contact me when she needed emotional support or other help (I helped her write a few papers for graduate school as her english was very weak.  She promised to take me out to dinner twice for my help but of course she never did).  I helped her get a job and even tried to set her up with 2 guys who tired of her quickly even though she was cute.  A couple friends/acquaintances (who were american but of the same ethnicity as her) of mine warned

me that she was using me.  I took note of their advice and did not call her much, but she would call me once and awhile and of course I would help her (especially when she was emotionally distraught).

After about 1 1/2 years I was getting tired of the one way street relationship where I did all the giving and she gave next to nothing.  After a particularly rude incident I stopped talking to her.  A month later I got a job in the country where she came from in Asia... .I never told her I was going there and had spoken to her for a few months.  The week before I moved from the U.S. she contacted me on instant messenger and told me "she loved me so much and missed me."  I talked to her on line that time and then moved overseas.  A few months later she moved overseas to the same country... and a couple months after that moved to within a 5 minute walk from where I worked/lived.  Once in awhile I saw her or spoke with her.  Once she said "she had to be careful not to cross a line with me" to as not to give me the wrong impression.  Other times she would say "I would not like her body because she was not as thin as I thought" or once an under the breath comment "that maybe she would not want me to meet another woman."  Another time when I first saw her when she first moved to her home country she said "I dont have many friends.  Everyone abandons me." (This made me think maybe she has BPD)  To make a long story short, I tired of her behaviour (even though she was sweet to talk to) which was one sided and felt manipulative so I said dont talk to me anymore.

I moved to another country and she went back to the u.s.  Eleven months later she contacted me saying she missed me. I responded but did not say much.  A few months later on a business trip though the u.s. I contacted her and she said can I visit you... .I said yes... .one day later she said she could not go afterall.  I was upset but said why dont you call me at the hotel... .she never responded.  A day or so later I complained about her behaviour and she said " you will never see me as a friend" and said she was not going to ready any more emails.  I responded she was crazy (because I was upset).  This was years ago... and it saddens me that someone could have cut me off so cruelly by email and it was not me who was the aggressive person all along... .it was she who contacted me.

This person, who very emotional, begged me not to leave her on few times and then after begging me I would not hear from her months.  Why ask someone to stay when you dont contact the person on a regular basis?

I could provide more details if requested, but to this day years later it makes me sad.

MM

P.S.  This woman was extremely secretive about her own life except the most superficial feelings.  Also, I heard she would readily sleep with loser guys after only a few weeks and then the guys would quickly dump her.

[MM]

Update: Talked to a psychiatrist I met this week and told her my story and she said my assessment of my exBPD friend's behavior as BPD was likely correct.  I posted once before but received few comments, except for the ever excellent Schwing, and was curious as to others thinking.

I have met thousands of men and women in my life, but never have I had an experience like this... .


My story:

The woman in question was from a foreign country (in Asia)... .from a high end family... .parents both professors, most likely with money.  The woman was 15 years younger than me.  I met her 8 years ago when she was about 25 and I was 40.  She studied the arts.  I admit I had a bit of a crush on her but never did much because of the age difference and the strict culture she is from.  If I were 50 and she were 35 it might have been a different story.  Additional back story, the woman was sent to america alone to go to an expensive high school and ended up getting 3 college degrees in America in the arts.  She has spent most of her adult life on her own in America with her parents back in Asia.  I met her through a guy who was a slight friend of mine who she "dated" and slept with and they broke up after no more than a month at most.  He treated her like garbage.  She was nothing to him.  

Six months after I first met her she said I was her best friend (even though I had only met her 3 times at this point).  I found it strange but of course it sounds nice.  As time went on she would contact me once and awhile and we would hang out.  Of course, she would typically contact me when she needed emotional support or other help (I helped her write a few papers for graduate school as her english was very weak.  She promised to take me out to dinner twice for my help but of course she never did).  I helped her get a job and even tried to set her up with 2 guys who tired of her quickly even though she was cute.  A couple friends/acquaintances (who were american but of the same ethnicity as her) of mine warned

me that she was using me.  I took note of their advice and did not call her much, but she would call me once and awhile and of course I would help her (especially when she was emotionally distraught).

After about 1 1/2 years I was getting tired of the one way street relationship where I did all the giving and she gave next to nothing.  After a particularly rude incident I stopped talking to her.  A month later I got a job in the country where she came from in Asia... .I never told her I was going there and had spoken to her for a few months.  The week before I moved from the U.S. she contacted me on instant messenger and told me "she loved me so much and missed me."  I talked to her on line that time and then moved overseas.  A few months later she moved overseas to the same country... and a couple months after that moved to within a 5 minute walk from where I worked/lived.  Once in awhile I saw her or spoke with her.  Once she said "she had to be careful not to cross a line with me" to as not to give me the wrong impression.  Other times she would say "I would not like her body because she was not as thin as I thought" or once an under the breath comment "that maybe she would not want me to meet another woman."  Another time when I first saw her when she first moved to her home country she said "I dont have many friends.  Everyone abandons me." (This made me think maybe she has BPD)  To make a long story short, I tired of her behaviour (even though she was sweet to talk to) which was one sided and felt manipulative so I said dont talk to me anymore.

I moved to another country and she went back to the u.s.  Eleven months later she contacted me saying she missed me. I responded but did not say much.  A few months later on a business trip though the u.s. I contacted her and she said can I visit you... .I said yes... .one day later she said she could not go afterall.  I was upset but said why dont you call me at the hotel... .she never responded.  A day or so later I complained about her behaviour and she said " you will never see me as a friend" and said she was not going to ready any more emails.  I responded she was crazy (because I was upset).  This was years ago... and it saddens me that someone could have cut me off so cruelly by email and it was not me who was the aggressive person all along... .it was she who contacted me.

This person, who very emotional, begged me not to leave her on few times and then after begging me I would not hear from her months.  Why ask someone to stay when you dont contact the person on a regular basis?

I could provide more details if requested, but to this day years later it makes me sad.

MM

P.S.  This woman was extremely secretive about her own life except the most superficial feelings.  Also, I heard she would readily sleep with loser guys after only a few weeks and then the guys would quickly dump her.

[seeking balance]

Hi MM,

A BPD relationship is like no other - that is true.  The first real step to freedom is to acknowledge your feelings - what do you  feel now that you have been validated by your psychiatrist?

SB

[MM]

Hi MM,

A BPD relationship is like no other - that is true.  The first real step to freedom is to acknowledge your feelings - what do you  feel now that you have been validated by your psychiatrist?

SB

Well, I feel badly that I allowed myself to be so forgiving in the face of her behavior.  Having since read about "dangerous women"  I have learned that a dangerous woman gets you to care for her and makes you feel sorry for her as well thereby lowering your defenses. Even though she behaved badly I did not fight as hard against her behavior because I did not want to hurt her anymore than she was hurting.

Well, I feel badly I called her crazy when she cut me off by email (not sure if she read it though) which was cruel.  At the time I did not know what I was dealing with and I was being hurt so much that I lashed out.

I also feel like she got away with something (even though I know she cannot ultimately).  She moved to a famous and beautiful city far away.  It feels like she is moving forward and I am not (with work and her life).  I dont have a great job and am not in a meaningful relationship (not because of my BPD experience but because I am shy and not so aggressive).  I still talk to her cousin and have been told my exBPD friend's parents think she is arrogant and continue to have problems with her.

[2010]

This kind of woman casts her intimate partners and ex-intimate partners into a parental role.

MM, I'm not sure if you wish to disclose the country that your ex is from, but culturally in Japan, there is a coined term for this behavior that psychologist Takeo Doi used. It is called amae.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amae

"Amae (甘え) is a Japanese word coined from the verb amaeru by Takeo Doi to serve as a noun, which he then used as a keyword to unlock, analytically, the behavior of a person attempting to induce an authority figure, such as a parent, spouse, teacher or boss, to take care of him. The verb itself is rarely used of oneself, but rather is applied descriptively to the behavior of other people. The person who is carrying out amae may beg or plead, or alternatively act selfishly and indulge while secure in the knowledge that the caregiver will forgive. The behavior of children towards their parents is perhaps the most common example of amae, but Doi argued that child-rearing practices in the Western world seek to stop this kind of dependence in children, whereas in Japan it persists into adulthood in all kinds of social relationships."

[MM]

This kind of woman casts her intimate partners and ex-intimate partners into a parental role.

MM, I'm not sure if you wish to disclose the country that your ex is from, but culturally in Japan, there is a coined term for this behavior that psychologist Takeo Doi used. It is called amae.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amae

"Amae (甘え) is a Japanese word coined from the verb amaeru by Takeo Doi to serve as a noun, which he then used as a keyword to unlock, analytically, the behavior of a person attempting to induce an authority figure, such as a parent, spouse, teacher or boss, to take care of him. The verb itself is rarely used of oneself, but rather is applied descriptively to the behavior of other people. The person who is carrying out amae may beg or plead, or alternatively act selfishly and indulge while secure in the knowledge that the caregiver will forgive. The behavior of children towards their parents is perhaps the most common example of amae, but Doi argued that child-rearing practices in the Western world seek to stop this kind of dependence in children, whereas in Japan it persists into adulthood in all kinds of social relationships."

Thanks.  Its not Japan though.

[seeking balance]

MM - the only way that I know to get through this has been to focus much more on my own feelings - identifying them so that I can grieve the loss.

Focusing on works by Marsha Linehan or Randi Kregar, even Tami Green who is a recovered BPD, helped me understand the illness, depersonalize the actions of the disorder - which enabled me to grieve, focus on me.

I find a few of the therapists out there, such as the one you referenced tend to have many truths, but miss some of the parts of the disorder and left me feeling angry.  Anger is not bad, but anger really is a bad place to stay stuck in.  Moving into depression and sadness is the next wave of the grief process.

It is hard to be so emotionally hurt by someone that we love - no doubt about it.  It hurts.

[MM]

MM - the only way that I know to get through this has been to focus much more on my own feelings - identifying them so that I can grieve the loss.

Focusing on works by Marsha Linehan or Randi Kregar, even Tami Green who is a recovered BPD, helped me understand the illness, depersonalize the actions of the disorder - which enabled me to grieve, focus on me.

I find a few of the therapists out there, such as the one you referenced tend to have many truths, but miss some of the parts of the disorder and left me feeling angry.  Anger is not bad, but anger really is a bad place to stay stuck in.  Moving into depression and sadness is the next wave of the grief process.

It is hard to be so emotionally hurt by someone that we love - no doubt about it.  It hurts.

Thanks SB.

I have learned alot, so even if it hurts I know I was not crazy thinking what I did.  It still hurts, but... .

[seeking balance]

MM - the only way that I know to get through this has been to focus much more on my own feelings - identifying them so that I can grieve the loss.

Focusing on works by Marsha Linehan or Randi Kregar, even Tami Green who is a recovered BPD, helped me understand the illness, depersonalize the actions of the disorder - which enabled me to grieve, focus on me.

I find a few of the therapists out there, such as the one you referenced tend to have many truths, but miss some of the parts of the disorder and left me feeling angry.  Anger is not bad, but anger really is a bad place to stay stuck in.  Moving into depression and sadness is the next wave of the grief process.

It is hard to be so emotionally hurt by someone that we love - no doubt about it.  It hurts.

Thanks SB.

I have learned alot, so even if it hurts I know I was not crazy thinking what I did.  It still hurts, but... .

It does hurt, it is good to feel the hurt - we were not crazy, we trusted someone with a mental illness and when it got too crazy, we were way too deep to even know which way was up.

Have you consided while you feel this pain to also start a gratitude list?  Write 3 thing each day about your life you are grateful for - focus on you.

you will be ok, it hurts - but it does heal.