The life has been sucked out of me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I found this board a day ago and am so thankful to have somewhere to go and read when I am feeling hopeless! I just put it together that my BF has BPD. I always thought maybe he was Bipolar but BPD makes so much sense and he fits it to a "T". Knowing this makes me feel better- like that I am not crazy like he makes me feel. It also plagues me with fear thinking- is this what I have to look forward to and deal with for the rest of my life if I decide to stay? I feel so overwhelmed with the amount of work it would take to make this work with him.

Its been an emotional rollercoaster since the beginning- 3 years ago. I was attracted to him because of his emotions and passion. Now thats the thing that hurts! We had a child early on in our relationship which has resulted in many challenges but I would never trade anything for the amazing girl I have! She is 16 months and a big reason why I stay in this relationship. We moved last Oct from AZ to San Fran and things have just gotten worse since we moved. The last month has been a honeymoon phase- hes been doing so good regulating his emotions and not blowing up. I feel like we have been communicating better. Then, boom... . it came back. I saw little things coming back at the beginning of the week- but tried to just get past it. Then over the weekend he blew up about the littlest thing. Sitting there crying as he blows up and makes everything my fault- my mind is completely blown by the irrational thinking and statements that come out of his mouth. I cant say anything because he cant see anything other than his view- and if I say anything it gives him more ammunition to throw at me or I could possibly piss him off more- which then results in a war. I have learned to become a push-over, never stating my thoughts and opinions when hes mad- I just sit there and take it for the sake of peace and not letting my daughter be around explosive yelling. He does enough of that on his own. I know this isnt healthy but I really have no choice. If I say anything its worse so I just shut my mouth.

I honestly feel like a crazy person because when things are good I get caught up in the love and his beautiful soul and want to marry him! Then he acts like a jerk and I want to run away. Its like this constantly and I am going insane. I was going to leave a few months ago and was one signature away from getting my own apt, but decided I needed to try again to make sure I did everything I could to try and make it work- for my daughter mostly. It was so stressful trying to make that decision- the last thing I want is my daughter to have a broken family. But I do believe that she would be ok- with two parents that love her deeply- that could be better people and parents separately. I guess I am in this place again and wondering what I should do. I am exhausted and feel like this wont get better. I cant take the up and down and fights over the little things! I never know whats going to piss him off and its not a fun way to live. I am scared of what he will be like to my daughter later in life and feel some sort of responsibility for changing him so he wont hurt her later. I know thats probably not realistic. I am not sure how I would financially make it on my own. Things are SOO expensive here and I barely make enough to pay for rent alone. He always reminds me I cant make it financially alone as well.

I love him dearly and want things to work but dont know if I can deal with this. I know if I told him he had BPD or told him to go get checked he would flip out- understandably. I know he wouldnt take meds either.

I feel like the life has been sucked out of me... . I dont know what I should do... .

[coleen83]

I found this board a day ago and am so thankful to have somewhere to go and read when I am feeling hopeless! I just put it together that my BF has BPD. I always thought maybe he was Bipolar but BPD makes so much sense and he fits it to a "T". Knowing this makes me feel better- like that I am not crazy like he makes me feel. It also plagues me with fear thinking- is this what I have to look forward to and deal with for the rest of my life if I decide to stay? I feel so overwhelmed with the amount of work it would take to make this work with him.

Its been an emotional rollercoaster since the beginning- 3 years ago. I was attracted to him because of his emotions and passion. Now thats the thing that hurts! We had a child early on in our relationship which has resulted in many challenges but I would never trade anything for the amazing girl I have! She is 16 months and a big reason why I stay in this relationship. We moved last Oct from AZ to San Fran and things have just gotten worse since we moved. The last month has been a honeymoon phase- hes been doing so good regulating his emotions and not blowing up. I feel like we have been communicating better. Then, boom... . it came back. I saw little things coming back at the beginning of the week- but tried to just get past it. Then over the weekend he blew up about the littlest thing. Sitting there crying as he blows up and makes everything my fault- my mind is completely blown by the irrational thinking and statements that come out of his mouth. I cant say anything because he cant see anything other than his view- and if I say anything it gives him more ammunition to throw at me or I could possibly piss him off more- which then results in a war. I have learned to become a push-over, never stating my thoughts and opinions when hes mad- I just sit there and take it for the sake of peace and not letting my daughter be around explosive yelling. He does enough of that on his own. I know this isnt healthy but I really have no choice. If I say anything its worse so I just shut my mouth.

I honestly feel like a crazy person because when things are good I get caught up in the love and his beautiful soul and want to marry him! Then he acts like a jerk and I want to run away. Its like this constantly and I am going insane. I was going to leave a few months ago and was one signature away from getting my own apt, but decided I needed to try again to make sure I did everything I could to try and make it work- for my daughter mostly. It was so stressful trying to make that decision- the last thing I want is my daughter to have a broken family. But I do believe that she would be ok- with two parents that love her deeply- that could be better people and parents separately. I guess I am in this place again and wondering what I should do. I am exhausted and feel like this wont get better. I cant take the up and down and fights over the little things! I never know whats going to piss him off and its not a fun way to live. I am scared of what he will be like to my daughter later in life and feel some sort of responsibility for changing him so he wont hurt her later. I know thats probably not realistic. I am not sure how I would financially make it on my own. Things are SOO expensive here and I barely make enough to pay for rent alone. He always reminds me I cant make it financially alone as well.

I love him dearly and want things to work but dont know if I can deal with this. I know if I told him he had BPD or told him to go get checked he would flip out- understandably. I know he wouldnt take meds either.

I feel like the life has been sucked out of me... . I dont know what I should do... .

[peiper]

I can competly relate. I did marry her six months ago. Now she is gone and Im hurting. Its hard to internalize but be thankful.

[3 children]

I know exactly how you feel.   And if your like me as it sounds you constantly question your sanity.   I can't tell you what you should do that is for you.   I haven't figured  out the answer for me yet.  (Staying or going).  I have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids.  And just started to put it all together recently.   My wife is ill and indifferent to help.   My kids are suffering because of it.  There have been times of complete fight back (giving her more ammunition) and times I have done what you explain, completely  shutting off my emotions.  I am heartbroken and deep down I know I would be a better father without being here I have just struggled to take the leap and go.  I know the me when I am with her is not me.   Constantly walking on eggshells (good book).   I feel for you and all those who have been given this challenge in life.   Keep reading and find safe places to express yourself.  Find support somewhere.  And trust yourself.  Bpds do everything to take that from you!

[patientandclear]

Hi Coleen.  A couple of thoughts.

I split with my very dysfunctional exH (not the BPD man who brought me to these boards) when my daughter was very young.  I can say I have not regretted that decision for a nanosecond, and I am very very very often reminded (including now by her, as she has become aware of her dad's manipulative dynamics) how important it is that she have a sane and stable parent (that's supposed to be me, and is except for the BPD mess I found myself in the last few years) and a safe, warm, supportive home base.  She does have to deal with her dad but he, and the dynamic between us, are not pervasive in her consciousness and her day to day existence.

I can say just in terms of your daughter -- I can't imagine trying to parent a child with a BPD partner.  So if that is your deciding factor, I don't think you sitting through abuse is a good plan for her (or for you).

Apart from your daughter: your description of just sitting there and taking abusive behavior makes me want to recommend the ebook Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.  You can download it from Amazon.  A lot of folks on here have read it since it came out last year; I hadn't till this weekend, and have found it incredibly illuminating.  I'm no longer with the pwBPD in my life but if I were, this would be an incredibly important guide to improving that situation as much as it can be improved.

Sometimes the Staying board is triggering for me because it seems like some people are accommodating themselves to conditions that are abusive (that is not exactly what the tools teach but the line between not confronting the abuse while removing yourself, and accepting the abuse, gets a little blurry for me sometimes).  I wanted to keep participating in my BPD r/ship and I found that line disturbingly confusing while I was still trying.  Anyway, the book is really clear about the difference.  I think it's a good place to start, if you still want to give the r/ship a shot.

[mace17]

  I know the me when I am with her is not me.   

That is exactly how I feel, thank you for putting that into words. 

[3 children]

  I know the me when I am with her is not me.   

That is exactly how I feel, thank you for putting that into words. 

Feel like this all the time now.  Didn't recognize it for a long time.  My kids (I think) are starting to see it as well.  Things are a lot different when moms not around.

[mace17]

Went camping with my son this weekend, without dad.  Son noticed that we have more fun without dad because when dad is around, everything is about him. They do notice this stuff, even at the age of 8.

[3 children]

Went camping with my son this weekend, without dad.  Son noticed that we have more fun without dad because when dad is around, everything is about him. They do notice this stuff, even at the age of 8.

We went two weeks ago and the kids would have has more fun without mom.   Most of the two night camping trip was spent making sure mom wouldn't freak out.   I stood back and watched my 2 older kids running around trying to keep mom in check.   By the last morning it wasn't enough.   Mom melted down like a 2 year old coming off sugar so it was time to go.

[coleen83]

Thanks everyone for your words. It helps so much to know I am not alone. I started listening to the book- Stop Walking on Eggshells today. It makes me feel sorry for him and makes me want to help him. I start thinking about leaving and who would help him get better? Of course today he was nice and non-escalated... . showing the nice, helpful side of him that I love so much. Its hard because his behaviors trigger things in me from my past- that leave me feeling so much anxiety, worthlessness- really a lot of my PTSD symptoms spike! It puts me in such a bad place and I dont want to be triggered by his behaviors anymore! The niceness makes me think- oh maybe he will change... . I really do love him and I want to believe that it will change with TONS of work and time- but I keep looking at the past 3 yrs and how it has just gotten worse. I think he saw me looking at apts last night and am I sure he is on his best behavior today to try and get me to change my mind. I know he has this insane fear of being alone- I am sure all Borderlines do. I think I try and rationalize staying by saying- well he only blew up once in the past 2 months, thats really good! That is progress so why dont you just stay. Every couple has hard times and fights. The other part of me feels so closed off to him because every time I open up and let him in, he turns around and stabs me with words and hateful remarks. Part of me says- stop living this way! You deserve better! I am continuing to look at apts and praying and trusting that the answer will be shown to me and I will feel peace with something.

UGGGGGGGGGGG

[AimingforMastery]

Thanks everyone for your words. It helps so much to know I am not alone. I started listening to the book- Stop Walking on Eggshells today. It makes me feel sorry for him and makes me want to help him. I start thinking about leaving and who would help him get better? Of course today he was nice and non-escalated... . showing the nice, helpful side of him that I love so much. Its hard because his behaviors trigger things in me from my past- that leave me feeling so much anxiety, worthlessness- really a lot of my PTSD symptoms spike! It puts me in such a bad place and I dont want to be triggered by his behaviors anymore! The niceness makes me think- oh maybe he will change... . I really do love him and I want to believe that it will change with TONS of work and time- but I keep looking at the past 3 yrs and how it has just gotten worse. I think he saw me looking at apts last night and am I sure he is on his best behavior today to try and get me to change my mind. I know he has this insane fear of being alone- I am sure all Borderlines do. I think I try and rationalize staying by saying- well he only blew up once in the past 2 months, thats really good! That is progress so why dont you just stay. Every couple has hard times and fights. The other part of me feels so closed off to him because every time I open up and let him in, he turns around and stabs me with words and hateful remarks. Part of me says- stop living this way! You deserve better! I am continuing to look at apts and praying and trusting that the answer will be shown to me and I will feel peace with something.

UGGGGGGGGGGG

You are not alone, not by any means.