Therapy, Empathy & Sympathy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 All!

I hope you are well (or on your way there)!   

My question stems from my initial therapy session with a therapist who was paired with me (through a reputable foundation that offers training and counselling etc).

I filled in an extensive in depth questionnaire, following on from that I then met with a consultant (well respected in his field, and the author/editor of a few books).  After this consultation, I was then matched with a therapist.

The consultant came across as arrogant and smug (he was the one who would decide whether I was right for therapy).  He would say things like "You've come to me, to let you in.  And I make that choice as to whether or not you’re allowed in."  When I mentioned that I chose to date a girl who was diagnosed with psychosis as opposed to a girl who seemed relatively emotionally/mentally healthy, he said "Perhaps you suffer from psychosis yourself."  Only half an hour after first having met me!  I inquired about how things would progress after our meeting "What happens from here?  Do you give a report back to the foundation and then they get back to me?" To which he replied "I know what I'm doing."  I just felt as if he was looking down on me.  I know some of it may come from my own issues, but I also know that the way he was, was just not normal (lack of empathy, assumptions and the need to feel intellectual).

My issue is this, I feel like my current therapist is not much different (I think they may be friends, as the consultant mentioned he had someone in mind, and my current therapist seems to come from a similar background as the consultant).  I feel like I should be able to pick up empathy from my therapist, however I feel none of that coming from him.  I feel more like I am being judged and looked at as a case study almost.  Like an intellectual puzzle to be solved.  There is very little in the way of emotion. 

My therapist mentioned the questionnaire I filled out, and said "Looking at it, I could see there was a lot about, what was or was not done for/to you."  I instantly felt like he was judging me, as if to say "You seem like you blame other people."  I then said "As I mentioned before, I want to 'get over' my past and then move onto the questions of 'What is in my control?  How do I take responsibility and live the life I want?' but first I need to get past old grievances so I can then expend energy on bettering myself."  He smiled and acknowledged this, but I feel like he only acknowledge the last part of that statement.  I felt quite invalidated. 

Another reason why I felt invalidated is because he wanted to speak more in depth about a time in my life when I got arrested for ‘GBH with intent’ when I was 15.   So he spent very little time on the issue of my life before that period.  I think another thing worth noting is that, the consultant I met, specialises in shaping psychotherapy given to criminals who are/were in prison.  So I almost feel like he sent me (via the foundation) to a friend who is perhaps doing a Phd and in the hope that I can be used as some kind of case study.  I'm not some hardened criminal (I have previous friends who are, so perhaps I am being tarred with the same brush).  I was a young teen pissed off at his family, his upbringing and himself!

He mentioned that his method of therapy would be me lying on the couch and him not speaking much.  However, I do not want a lack of communication in my therapy.  I do not want to lay down staring up into a ceiling, detached and laying in an almost subservient position.  But again, my use of the word 'subservient' is perhaps telling, laying on the couch and the connotation I make, are my issues.  I know that the couch is perhaps a good way of opening someone up.  But I would be opening up about things very close to my heart, and what should I expect?  Silence?

I want communication.  I want my therapist to realise that, I still have a child inside me who needs healing.  Not that I'm a brain that needs to be unpicked and made into a fully formed 'adult'.  The consultant and therapist both realise (and mentioned), that I can indeed grasp the intellectual aspect of what we have discussed.  I explained that on an intellectual level, I understand a lot of things, it's the emotional side I struggle with.  I have days where I feel like crying (like today), but nothing comes.  I want to be able to go to therapy and have my emotions unpicked and to become unstuck emotionally.  I want to be working through my emotions with a therapist, not necessarily get into intellectual conversations (which is what happened with this therapist, and which he acknowledged).  I want to be able to cry and come out feeling like I’ve shed an emotional load.

In all honesty, I feel uncomfortable with my current therapist.  He mentioned that he would say things I don’t like, after I mentioned that the consultant said things I was not too happy with (after he asked me how I felt about meeting him).  I just don’t feel like I’m in a mentally or emotionally healthy place to be challenged.  I still have a lot of inner child healing that needs to be done.  I want to mourn the child that grew up too fast, but paradoxically is still within me.  I have very deep wounds that still to this day confuse me and trouble me.  I have never outwardly spoke about these wounds in their entirety to myself, let alone anyone else.  And I really cannot envision myself telling my current therapist.  I feel like he would offer little in terms of empathy/sympathy, and understanding of how this all affects me emotionally.

After I have released these emotions, I then want to start spending more energy on my future (not that I am neglecting it at the moment).  I do not feel like this is unreasonable.  If there is one thing I have learnt in my journey so far, it is to listen to my emotions.  For so long, I have stifled them.  My gut and my emotional response to this therapist is to run.  I feel like I have gone through life being invalidated and looked down on, I do not want a therapist who will do the same, as it would just inflict deeper wounds.

My questions regarding all of the above, is this, am I wrong to want a therapist who can support me emotionally? Having not felt emotionally supported by parents/partners etc, is it wrong of me to want my therapist to then give me that emotional support?  I feel like I am almost trying to substitute the nurture and care that I lacked, with therapy, but is that not what therapy is about?  Is it about receiving empathy/sympathy for deep rooted wounds/issues?  Surely, it's not about me laying on a couch and someone just trying to unpick my brain, like a puzzle?  Or am I confusing close relationships (friends/family etc) with that of a relationship between therapist and patient?

I’m not sure what to do to be honest.  He seems a nice enough guy, but I just don’t click with him.  I don’t think the emotional aspect is his strongest point.  He makes good deductions at times, and intellectually he seems to be quite rich, but I feel like there is a key ingredient missing (empathy/sympathy/ability to validate etc).

I guess I can almost sum up what I’m looking for with this statement (from me to a therapist);
Look, I know I’ve come to you for help.  But please don’t treat me as beneath you or as an inferior person who only you can save.  Please treat me as an equal.  Treat me as someone human, not as a case study or a number.  See the little child in me crying for help, and realise, that once you help me to help this child, I will flourish and grow.

Thanks for any help with this!  It really is appreciated!

[GrowThroughIt]

 All!

I hope you are well (or on your way there)!   

My question stems from my initial therapy session with a therapist who was paired with me (through a reputable foundation that offers training and counselling etc).

I filled in an extensive in depth questionnaire, following on from that I then met with a consultant (well respected in his field, and the author/editor of a few books).  After this consultation, I was then matched with a therapist.

The consultant came across as arrogant and smug (he was the one who would decide whether I was right for therapy).  He would say things like "You've come to me, to let you in.  And I make that choice as to whether or not you’re allowed in."  When I mentioned that I chose to date a girl who was diagnosed with psychosis as opposed to a girl who seemed relatively emotionally/mentally healthy, he said "Perhaps you suffer from psychosis yourself."  Only half an hour after first having met me!  I inquired about how things would progress after our meeting "What happens from here?  Do you give a report back to the foundation and then they get back to me?" To which he replied "I know what I'm doing."  I just felt as if he was looking down on me.  I know some of it may come from my own issues, but I also know that the way he was, was just not normal (lack of empathy, assumptions and the need to feel intellectual).

My issue is this, I feel like my current therapist is not much different (I think they may be friends, as the consultant mentioned he had someone in mind, and my current therapist seems to come from a similar background as the consultant).  I feel like I should be able to pick up empathy from my therapist, however I feel none of that coming from him.  I feel more like I am being judged and looked at as a case study almost.  Like an intellectual puzzle to be solved.  There is very little in the way of emotion. 

My therapist mentioned the questionnaire I filled out, and said "Looking at it, I could see there was a lot about, what was or was not done for/to you."  I instantly felt like he was judging me, as if to say "You seem like you blame other people."  I then said "As I mentioned before, I want to 'get over' my past and then move onto the questions of 'What is in my control?  How do I take responsibility and live the life I want?' but first I need to get past old grievances so I can then expend energy on bettering myself."  He smiled and acknowledged this, but I feel like he only acknowledge the last part of that statement.  I felt quite invalidated. 

Another reason why I felt invalidated is because he wanted to speak more in depth about a time in my life when I got arrested for ‘GBH with intent’ when I was 15.   So he spent very little time on the issue of my life before that period.  I think another thing worth noting is that, the consultant I met, specialises in shaping psychotherapy given to criminals who are/were in prison.  So I almost feel like he sent me (via the foundation) to a friend who is perhaps doing a Phd and in the hope that I can be used as some kind of case study.  I'm not some hardened criminal (I have previous friends who are, so perhaps I am being tarred with the same brush).  I was a young teen pissed off at his family, his upbringing and himself!

He mentioned that his method of therapy would be me lying on the couch and him not speaking much.  However, I do not want a lack of communication in my therapy.  I do not want to lay down staring up into a ceiling, detached and laying in an almost subservient position.  But again, my use of the word 'subservient' is perhaps telling, laying on the couch and the connotation I make, are my issues.  I know that the couch is perhaps a good way of opening someone up.  But I would be opening up about things very close to my heart, and what should I expect?  Silence?

I want communication.  I want my therapist to realise that, I still have a child inside me who needs healing.  Not that I'm a brain that needs to be unpicked and made into a fully formed 'adult'.  The consultant and therapist both realise (and mentioned), that I can indeed grasp the intellectual aspect of what we have discussed.  I explained that on an intellectual level, I understand a lot of things, it's the emotional side I struggle with.  I have days where I feel like crying (like today), but nothing comes.  I want to be able to go to therapy and have my emotions unpicked and to become unstuck emotionally.  I want to be working through my emotions with a therapist, not necessarily get into intellectual conversations (which is what happened with this therapist, and which he acknowledged).  I want to be able to cry and come out feeling like I’ve shed an emotional load.

In all honesty, I feel uncomfortable with my current therapist.  He mentioned that he would say things I don’t like, after I mentioned that the consultant said things I was not too happy with (after he asked me how I felt about meeting him).  I just don’t feel like I’m in a mentally or emotionally healthy place to be challenged.  I still have a lot of inner child healing that needs to be done.  I want to mourn the child that grew up too fast, but paradoxically is still within me.  I have very deep wounds that still to this day confuse me and trouble me.  I have never outwardly spoke about these wounds in their entirety to myself, let alone anyone else.  And I really cannot envision myself telling my current therapist.  I feel like he would offer little in terms of empathy/sympathy, and understanding of how this all affects me emotionally.

After I have released these emotions, I then want to start spending more energy on my future (not that I am neglecting it at the moment).  I do not feel like this is unreasonable.  If there is one thing I have learnt in my journey so far, it is to listen to my emotions.  For so long, I have stifled them.  My gut and my emotional response to this therapist is to run.  I feel like I have gone through life being invalidated and looked down on, I do not want a therapist who will do the same, as it would just inflict deeper wounds.

My questions regarding all of the above, is this, am I wrong to want a therapist who can support me emotionally? Having not felt emotionally supported by parents/partners etc, is it wrong of me to want my therapist to then give me that emotional support?  I feel like I am almost trying to substitute the nurture and care that I lacked, with therapy, but is that not what therapy is about?  Is it about receiving empathy/sympathy for deep rooted wounds/issues?  Surely, it's not about me laying on a couch and someone just trying to unpick my brain, like a puzzle?  Or am I confusing close relationships (friends/family etc) with that of a relationship between therapist and patient?

I’m not sure what to do to be honest.  He seems a nice enough guy, but I just don’t click with him.  I don’t think the emotional aspect is his strongest point.  He makes good deductions at times, and intellectually he seems to be quite rich, but I feel like there is a key ingredient missing (empathy/sympathy/ability to validate etc).

I guess I can almost sum up what I’m looking for with this statement (from me to a therapist);
Look, I know I’ve come to you for help.  But please don’t treat me as beneath you or as an inferior person who only you can save.  Please treat me as an equal.  Treat me as someone human, not as a case study or a number.  See the little child in me crying for help, and realise, that once you help me to help this child, I will flourish and grow.

Thanks for any help with this!  It really is appreciated!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi GrowThroughIt:    

 I feel like I should be able to pick up empathy from my therapist, however I feel none of that coming from him.  I feel more like I am being judged and looked at as a case study almost.  Like an intellectual puzzle to be solved.  

I think most people want a therapist who shows some empathy/sympathy/ability to validate.  Therapists don't want to empathize too much or allow a patient to rely on them to get their emotional needs met.  (Teach them to fish, not feed them fish).  I think when therapists use a particular therapy strategy, their degree of emotional support can differ.

Is the therapy free, or do you have to pay something?  If it is free, or at very low cost, you may want to try to make it work for you.  Perhaps if you validate what therapy style the therapist is using, you can do a little internet research on the style and gain some additional information on what to expect in that type of therapy.  Sounds like the therapist shared a few details with you already, but a little more info. could be helpful.  

You could always ask your therapist if he is willing to spend part of the session with another type of therapy that is more interactive.  Ask him to recommend a book to read, or perhaps give you some homework to do between sessions.  Ask him how you can get the most out of a session?  :)o you need to ponder over a few thoughts that you shared during a session?  You may want to take a note pad to write some thoughts or record some of your thoughts after a session.  Sometimes, the real work comes after you reflect on comments or thoughts made during a given therapy session.

You might find it helpful to determine a few things about your therapist:

• Do an Internet search on his name and the organization he represents. Sometimes you don't find much, but other times you can be surprised on what you find.
• If you don't know about his credentials, ask (is he a PHD and a licensed psychologist?
• What's his prior job history?
• How does he see his role in therapy, or what is his style of therapy?
• How much work has he done with BPD patients and with family of those with BPD?

I’m not sure what to do to be honest.  He seems a nice enough guy, but I just don’t click with him.  I don’t think the emotional aspect is his strongest point.  He makes good deductions at times, and intellectually he seems to be quite rich, but I feel like there is a key ingredient missing (empathy/sympathy/ability to validate etc).  

How many sessions have you had with him? If you quit going to this therapist, what would be your alternate options? Are you able to pay cash for services?

It might make more sense to you if you understand the type of therapy he is using with you. I suspect he may be using psychoanalysis, because of his reference to you laying on the couch.  Psychoanalysis is not the warm fuzzy type of therapy.  The therapist generally speak less than with other forms of therapy.  Cognitive Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) are more interactive.  In these two types of therapy, there can be coaching and homework.

He mentioned that his method of therapy would be me lying on the couch and him not speaking much.  However, I do not want a lack of communication in my therapy.  I do not want to lay down staring up into a ceiling, detached and laying in an almost subservient position.  But again, my use of the word 'subservient' is perhaps telling, laying on the couch and the connotation I make, are my issues.  I know that the couch is perhaps a good way of opening someone up.  But I would be opening up about things very close to my heart, and what should I expect?  Silence?  

The therapist may ask some questions to get you talking.  He will likely speak when he wants to validate some thought or logic you share or to probe for more details.  He won't be completely silent.

The info. at the link below on psychoanalysis might be helpful:
https://www.simplypsychology.org/psychoanalysis.html

Cognitive Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) are more interactive types of therapy.  In these two types of therapy, there can be coaching and homework.  

 I want my therapist to realize that, I still have a child inside me who needs healing.  

 You may want to post on the Board for Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent or Sibling.  There are some people there who are doing inner child work.  There is, also, a Survivor's Guide that can help you work through childhood abuse. The guide could be helpful for abuse that occurred at an older age as well.  It basically steps you through a grieving process.

I want to 'get over' my past and then move onto the questions of 'What is in my control?  How do I take responsibility and live the life I want?' but first I need to get past old grievances so I can then expend energy on bettering myself."  He smiled and acknowledged this, but I feel like he only acknowledge the last part of that statement.  I felt quite invalidated.

You say he smiled and acknowledged this.  What made you feel that he only acknowledged the last part of the statement, "I need to get past old grievances so I can then expend energy on bettering myself"  :)o you think he didn't think getting past old grievances was a good insight?

I've spent some time in ACT Therapy.  The general level of validation is a smile and a nod.  I get validation from her therapy dog, by a tail wag (especially when I bring the dog treats).

[heartandwhole]

Hi GrowThroughIt,

I can really understand your feelings in this situation. In your shoes, I'm sure I'd be asking myself if I should continue with this therapy.

While I do think that giving up too soon on a new therapeutic relationship is not a good idea, I think making sure that the fit is right between client and therapist is very important. By that I mean that you don't have to be best buddies, but an atmosphere where you feel heard, understood, and respected would be the minimum requirement, in my view.

It does sound to me like the therapy you are receiving might be of a psychoanalytic nature. There are so many types of therapy, for many types of needs. I wonder if you might benefit from Schema therapy? It expands on CBT and gets into the childhood patterns that can be so entrenched in our way of seeing the world, and behaving in it.

I think many people who undergo therapy want and need a form of reparenting. And I think that is a very reasonable and beneficial thing to expect, given the right therapist and right type of therapy. It sounds like your current therapist might not be that type of therapist. I encourage you to speak openly with him about what you want and need from your sessions—even asking point blank what types of therapies he practices. The answer may be a pleasant surprise, but either way I think it's important to know so that you can find a way to proceed that will be of most benefit to you. Including with a different therapist, if that's what you ultimately decide.

We have lots of info. on Schema therapy. I don't know what you've explored, so I've put a few links below. Just to be clear, I've never had schema therapy (to my knowledge), and am not especially knowledgeable about it. What I've read about it, though, has resonated with me. Of course, there are many different therapies that you might benefit from. 

TEST: Schema Inventory

From Idealization to Devaluation—Why We Struggle

Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young, PhD

heartandwhole

[Grey Kitty]

I've been in situations where I gave up on a therapist after one session, and looked for another. It might be worth giving this one a second session to see if you feel differently, but not much more than that--here's the core issue as I see it:

In all honesty, I feel uncomfortable with my current therapist.

If you aren't comfortable with your therapist, you have the wrong therapist. Even if your therapist is good, is skilled, you need to be comfortable with him and trust him. Or it isn't going to be effective for you.

That doesn't mean your therapist will be a friend, because it isn't that kind of relationship. (If you hire a plumber or auto mechanic, you should trust them, even though they don't have to be your friend either!)

He mentioned that he would say things I don’t like

I think any good therapy will have you confronting things that are uncomfortable, things that challenge you. Without that, nothing is likely to come of it.

Hearing something uncomfortable from a person is different than being uncomfortable with a person.

[GrowThroughIt]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler, heartandwhole & Grey Kitty.  Each one of your posts are very enlightening and there is much for me to ponder on!

Just to give you an update, my therapist decided that it would be best not to carry on.  He feels that I could do with treatment from a specialist clinic.

In the end, the decision was made for me!

[roberto516]

This could be an interesting viewpoint for you to take and it doesn't mean I'm right. But if you are uncertain about it then there could be real growth opportunity for you. If therapy is "comfortable" there is a lot that can be missed out on. If you are in anyway uncomfortable/not completely sold this might be a huge opportunity to work through some relationship dynamics you might raher just avoid.

If not then disregard what I am saying. But therapy where it's all love, kindness, support doesn't always produce real change... .believe it or not. If he's challenging you and you are having reactions it could open a door of insight and opportunities for you.

Disregard it anyway. I see your post above