What I have learned firsthand...

[lovehurts11]

I have spent many hours over the past year reading and feeling the pain of so many here on this site. Just wanted to share my findings that I have gathered directly from my very BPDgf. I get to them a little further down after a bit of back story. Thanks for reading and giving thoughts.

Basically my story is the same to many here... . I was lost, confused, shocked... . by this behavior I only thought existed in the movies. My gf, for the 7 years before dating me, needed a constant relationship and before that was, well to put it lightly was a total slut. She had anger issues with my past, as if I did something to her in the years before I knew her... . you know silly/bathit crazy stuff. She has most of the issues you all have come to know. Plus all the wonderful screaming... . breaking things, belittling... . things now part of our normal lives.

Anyway, like so many at first during these dysregulated episodes, rages... . whatever you prefer to call them, I, with all my justified conviction, defended myself. She was arguing insane points, and I KNEW I was right. But that only made the whole ordeal a nightmare. Thank God I came across you all here and learned in more recent times how to attempt a resolution.

I decided the easiest for me was to use SET and it did have a profound positive effect on an episode. However the first several times, it was so hard to restrain myself from defending what I knew was right. After she returned to normal... . i was DRAINED... . and because I had refused to let anger get the better of me I was feeling hurt. I decided to just keep my mouth shut and recharge and avoid any triggers for the time being. Little did I know that being quiet and to myself, angered the BPDgf into believing I was making life miserable by being "depressed"... . damn its like a no-win scenario! I cant even take the time to be sad!

So I went on a limb and confronted her on MY feelings after she had come down from an episode. Then I got something different... . she broke down crying (not the insane BPD rage) but a sincere conversation took place... . and this is what I learned and wanted thoughts on from you all:

1)She admitted right there she had a problem, nothing can help stop the episodes because they are truly uncontrollable and she hates that her mind is dysfunctional in that way. I must choose to make it work, and must accept the burden of dealing with and understanding it.

2)Told me her rage of belittling me, destroying my feelings etc during a dysregulated episode is because her mind wants to completely reduce me to nothing because, if not, she feels she has no control of the situation and she cant mentally handle that. Hence arguing against her points is me attempting to remove that control from her and intensifies the attacks. BUT she added I should not take what she says to heart, because her mind will say ANYTHING to cause pain.

3)She admitted that, yes after an episode is over, she has very little or NO empathy for the damage she may have emotionally caused me. Why? Because her mind (even though now "calm" has such problems dealing with its own emotions/feelings/triggers etc... . that to empathize because of damage SHE caused would cause an overload of guilt and other emotions that her mind cannot handle and it does not allow her to feel that way.

4)I ask the obvious... . what do i do? And with her never reading any of the material out there, she tells me... . that I need to acknowledge what she is saying, dont argue that she is wrong and be strong enough to reassure her no matter how she is acting.

5)I ask... . why get angry at me when I am sad after HER dysregulated episode? she explains bluntly, that similar to point #3, seeing me moping or sad, is me throwing a reminder into her face of what she did. The time in between episodes should be focused on positive and happy events, and that she believes I can "pull my emotions together" after her episodes, where in her case she has 0 control over hers.

6)The ultimate question... . WHY? Guess this would vary for every case. She tells me that she knows because of her very young life issues with sex, she has feelings of rage and insecurities, needs to be made to feel highly important by her SO. For some reason with me she feels very threatened sexually, as if is she is not good enough... . etc.

So this is what she told me that night, and she has not even aware of BPD is. It felt good for her to open up, but ultimately its still a choice that I must make to be bear the burden of making things work and enduring. Thanks!

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[danley]

Big list.

So are you OK with dealing with her reasoning and prepared to fill her requests? 

It's a lot to ask of someone especially when she admits that her feelings will mostly always be superior to yours. I find it admirable that she was so bluntly honest. I think she had explained herself well although I did not read much about her making an effort on her end to change. Basically it was this is how I am, take it or leave it. Did she speak of actually dealing with her issues or is she saying that you should accept the terms and work around them forever?

It was weird reading her responses. It was weird but yet made sense but didn't. Thanks for sharing. It was informative to hear what's going on in her head.

[united for now]

Its nice to hear her reasons. They will change though, based on how she feels... .

Here's my concern... .

Allowing her to dump all her negative emotions onto you damages you (since no one is capable of absorbing and not being affected) damages the relationship (unhealthy balance of power and control) and keeps her sick (she never needs to learn other ways too cope since she has you as her verbal punching bag).

Breaking this cycle means learning validation skills and using effective boundaries.