Wow... The up and downs are driving me insane

[Mike76]

Its been a couple months since I have posted or even read anything year.

My uBPDw continues to be in individual counseling... .   weekly appointments(for 6 months). Is the potential BPD being addressed I do not know, I can only pray. 4 hours a month for 6 months I can think something woudl come through.

We are in marriage counseling  3-4 times a month(now for 3 months)... .     It is not helping and only making it clear how messed up my marriage is... .  

My wife went away for the weekend for a marathon... .   She had a 8 hour trip home... .   When I called to see how the travels home were coming she would not only share where she was in travels  (what state),  she would not even share the arrival time on the GPS.  I said ... .   "I know you have gas stops... .   food stops... .   and resting\napping, but could you share"  She just refused.   I can be sure she was not lying, but she just hates sharing information.  When I talked to her today, she was resting a home, and I am at work. She was complaining she has no free evenings because she has "2 counseling appointments this week, because she is messed up" 

With all the issues shared in marriage counseling, I have decided to narrow it down to only 2 issues.  These will not only help me, but I think someday zoom into the BPD.

1)  We waited do to religious beliefs to wait until after we were marriage to have sex.   We recently celebrated our 5 year marriage anniversary.  4.5 years ago at 6 months anniversary, she said "If I knew how you looked naked I would not have marriage you.   This has come up many times at home, so I mentioned it at counseling, she said "There was nothing wrong with saying that comment, she thinks I am overweight"

2)  She has been physically abusive to be in the past... .   she has said  I was not wrong and I was your fault.  If it happens again it will be justified.

If she really feels strongly about those 2 topics,   DPT therapy, counseling, etc.  I am not sure I can forgive, and I will need to end my marriage and move on.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Those are important issues.  Is you plan to raise them with your marriage counsellor and see what happens? 

It might also make sense for you to seel individual counselling for yourself to help you come up with better coping strategies, a DV safety plan, etc.  Domestic Violence is a serious issue, and you are right to make this issue a priority.   

[yeeter]

Hi Mike,



Marriage counseling doesnt always work well with a BPD.  Especially if combined with NPD.  Im not saying to drop it - keep doing it, but dont expect miracles (just my experience, I hope your experience is different).  But given you have been in MC 3-4 times a month for 3 months, at a minimum its going to take some time to play out.

It might also make sense for you to seel individual counselling for yourself to help you come up with better coping strategies, a DV safety plan, etc.  Domestic Violence is a serious issue, and you are right to make this issue a priority.   

I second this advice.  In fact, individual T for yourself might be more important than MC or T for your wife even.

DV is not ok.

[Mike76]

Those are important issues.  Is you plan to raise them with your marriage counsellor and see what happens?

They both have been mentioned at marriage counselling, and its known the DV is a deal breaker but it does not seem like my wife has any regret... .     Give me more concern for the future.   It has not happened since we start marriage counselling, but it is only going to take one more time.   DV is the one issue I never planned on in marriage... .  

The other issue just hurts me... .   if she does feel that way... . It is what it is but, I do not think I can rebuild with her.


I spent a few month with a T myself, before I felt safe sharing with my wife that we needed help.

I know in the scheme of things... .   3 months is not that long in MC, but this crap has been happening for 5 years... .   If my wife has not desire to change I just need to move one.   She attends, but believe she is correct in most all ways.   I have asked several times to the MC and to my C,   what am I doing wrong... .     I want to change... .   just tell me how.   


 

[yeeter]

  I want to change... .   just tell me how.   

 

This might sound like a silly question, but why would you want to change?

[Mike76]

 I want to change... .   just tell me how.    

 

This might sound like a silly question, but why would you want to change?

I understand why you asked... .    and not a still question.   To keep it simple I removed the aspects of BPD to in my answer.

• Nothing changes without change... .   I can not change my wife... .   The only thing I can change is how it react to hear actions



• I can not expect ask her to change, without letting her now I will not work with her



• I am not perfect myself... .   if I went through life and stayed the same person, I would never become a better person.



• Change is part of life, life changes... .   we change, other change  it is a part of life.   I need to work with it.

Long story short... .   I know MC, does not work well with BPD, but until she is ready we can not work the BPD.   She is not even really wiling to work on our marriage.   The only thing I can work on myself.    

Again... .   removing the BPD,   how can I walk into MC or even my personal C,    and say I am perfect everyone else is a wrong.    I am no better than anyone one.

To add the BPD... .     I is almost like tell me what TOOL's to use without mentioning BPD. 

[briefcase]

Working on yourself is important and that's what we do here mostly.  It's hard to be in a relationship when the other person is not working and expresses no regret for DV, or anything else.  

It sounds like you are prepared to leave the marriage if necessary.  That's actually not a bad fram of mind to have.  It means you have some boundaries and core values.  Since you are here on the staying board, I'm assuming you do not want to leave.  

You don't have to bounce "up and down" with her emotions.  Read up on seperation of stuff and loving detachment.  It's about keeping her emotions and reactions in the proper perspective - she's a person allowed to have emotions, even emotions that make you uncomfortable, like anger, sorrow, frustration, etc.  It is possible to let her have these emotions without you "going for the ride" too.    

But, I want to reiterate that you should have a safety plan worked out with your own counsellor ASAP!

[Mike76]

You are correct... .   I am on the staying board, because it has always been my plan to stay.  I am mentally prepared to leave if and when needed.

For the most part I do have a plan if.     My parents (especially my mom), knows how much things have slipped in our marriage, but no clue about the DV.     I have a easy out if needed to go there.

briefcase... .   you summed it all up and a my willingness to change    "keeping her emotions and reactions in the proper perspective"  I am me... .   she is her... .   I need to respect her feeling, but do not need to be a slave in her thoughts.   

My plan is to stay... .   but I have come to the conclusion it may not be possible.

Thank you for the reading suggestion... .  

[Auspicious]

The other issue just hurts me... .   if she does feel that way... . It is what it is but, I do not think I can rebuild with her.

It's definitely hurtful.

Still, if you can, I wouldn't attach too much lasting significance to it. If she has BPD, then she has tossed salad for emotions and thoughts.

She might have issues with sex that have nothing to do with you, but blaming you lets her avoid facing them, for example. Just one possibility.

[yeeter]

You are doing well mike

I was only asking about change because it's not all Yours to own.  And you Can't really 'fix' it.

It's good to own our own stuff.

But its also good, and critical, to feel comfortable with who we are as a person and that although we own our own stuff, we do not have to heap on the responsibility to owning her stuff.

Just keep grounded on how much of it you are doing for your own self improvement, and be careful if you slip into doing too much just to p,ease her or keep her happy... .