well thats quite a development, huh?
i agree that letting things sit for now is best. its tempting to try to build on the positive. in some ways, its good to let it build on itself.
how ya feeling about it all?
OR, I was feeling nervous but mostly positive, trying not to get ahead of myself, then she sent a text this afternoon saying "
I realise for my sake that its best if I don't talk with you, will maybe catch you around sometime".
This is kind of like what's happened before. We have made some re-connection, then she reneges on what was a positive beginning. I chose not to reply, as in the past the texts have spiralled downwards quickly.
Two hours later, the second text comes in,
My stomach has got really bad, it now reacts and cramps purely with nerves. I am paying for our conversation, I've tried pain killers and gone for a run and I'm still in lots of pain. I'm really sorry but this is what I mean when I say I can't be in a relationship on many levels. I'm dreaming of my little retreat in the forest somewhere, just me and my stupid stomach, I'm so sorry.Now I was only talking re-establishing a friendship with her, even though it's probably clear to both of us there is love between us. I have been here before, even without replying this time, she has managed to turn this into a no-win situation. Do I have to accept this is how she genuinely feels and that there is just no hope - I seem to trigger her because by asking for honesty between us she immediately starts to withdraw and feel threatened.
Then I did the stupid thing. I was only a couple of blocks away, so I walked around and knocked on her door. I said I understand how she feels stressed and in pain, and if there is anything I could do to, just ask. She used this as an opportunity to blame me for feeling bad, tell me how we are not suited, she just wants to be left alone, needs a break from men for a year, she can't trust me, it is making her feel suicidal.
Suicide was mentioned a couple of times in the relationship, once as something she had previously thought about, and another time when she couldn't sleep and wrote a heavy 'suicide ideation' poem and put it on social media. I sympathised with her 'depression' but in hindsight, see it as a call for attention both times, which I gave.
That’s sounds like it was an exciting discussion. I agree with both of you let things fall where they fall for now... .
... .I'm not saying that you’re doing this this is just advice don’t trigger shame if you don’t want to be split black you’re using validation which will make the other person heard and not ashamed or invalidated for having their thoughts and feelings.
Mutt, I don't think I meant to do it, but you are right, me asking for honesty is seeing behind the mask and 'triggering shame'. In the space of two days we went from having a really nice chat to being discarded again. I'm ok, I was half prepared for something like this, but even when I didn't participate in the discussion it happened.
I really don't know how to step forward from here. I wanted to build the friendship to get to the point of discussing therapy, but I am always triggering her by wanting to be honest and build trust. She knows I see behind the mask, and I want to help, so she disregulates to make it stop.
Naturally, I'm really disappointed. I sent her a text saying if she needs anything to reach out day or night, I am there for her. The mention of suicide is something I can't ignore, but I am sure it is a 'go to' for her when she wants to deflect from the real issue.
