I finally started therapy - it was four long months of being on the waitlist, and I was literally gagging at the bit to get in there and get some of this experience out...
I feel like my psychologist is going to be a great fit for me - she also does EMDR and comes highly recommended (hence the wait), so I'm excited to dig in with her.
The first session, she said something about us getting to the point where I finally accept my ex's limitations and drop any further hope. And that comment really did hit me hard, because i realised in that moment that I have been and still am holding hope - even against my logical mind. It seems my head and heart aren't yet in the same place.
My ex reappeared again last week and came in hot for a day... wanted me to sleep with him... sending me links of properties in the countryside (because that was always our dream). I said no... it was hard and hurt to say no... which he could see clearly... I showed my upset and confusion... told him that the chaotic back and forth has caused me a lot of anxiety... and then when he turned cold and distant again, that hurt even more, and messed with my head for a while.
My psych was understanding of the fact I've been hopeless at sticking to no contact. And that's what we'll work on in sessions - building that strength and confidence. I've also deleted all of his messages and his number... so I can't contact him first. But I don't feel okay about blocking him, and actually I think this just adds to the drama of it all. I'm accepting it's baby steps.
Wish I knew what was needed to truly drop all hope.
So exciting that you finally got in to the therapist.
"The first session, she said something about us getting to the point where I finally accept my ex's limitations and drop any further hope. And that comment really did hit me hard, because i realised in that moment that I have been and still am holding hope - even against my logical mind. It seems my head and heart aren't yet in the same place."
This is so where I'm at and have even written myself- my head and my heart are in such different places! My head understands the disrespect and lying and name-calling etc. is bad and abusive, my heart feels for her and wants to show her love. It feels almost impossible to drop the hope.
Good for you for setting those boundaries and withstanding the 'storm' of the return/reconnection. You said 'no', even though it hurt to do so. And now, look at his response to your no....turning cold and, probably, angry. Isn't that the pattern in these relationships? No - to any little thing, or big thing, said with love and respect for the relationship- brings about anger and very often attacks. That was my experience exactly.....and here you show it in action.
A healthy person would hear your 'no' and recognize that he's put you through so much, recognize that the push and pull is so hurtful, recognize that you deserve consistency and respect. But he got angry and pulled away then. As if this was all about him. As it usually is in these relationships.
That's one of the central themes I've come to understand in my relationship. A no was always treated like a failure on my part, or an attack. It was always met with real anger, trying to get me to feel bad for saying no, telling me how I'm failing the relationship somehow or how I'm a failure at being a businessman, a partner, a friend. Even when there were really clear and sound reasons for my no, even when it was said with love and respect.
I'm excited for you to be able to move forward, and it sounds like you found a great therapist to work with.