I think you're right. She generally bucks efforts at budgeting from me and I need to face the fact that it is unlikely she will provide me with regular, clear communications about her finances.
Things are very rough right now, in part because of some confrontations on fiscal issues earlier this week. After things settle down and I deal with some other issues, I'm gonna go to separate accounts.
OK... .come at this from a "boundaries" point of view.
You control what you control. Stuff with your name on it... .and your money in it.
She controls the other. You each have choices... .
My recommendation is to look at SET and DEARMAN and figure out if you can use those formats to approach her to look for a solution.
Remember to focus on "solutions".
Put actions steps and answers towards her... .present choices to her.
Either we can put our money in a joint account... .or we can have them separate... .which way would you like to do it?
The trick is that if she proposes that she gets to use yours... .and she gets to keep hers... .don't react. Actively listen... .
"Help me understand how that is balanced or fair for the relationship... ." (not for you... .you and her out of it)
Ultimately... .you will have to figure out how long to let this go. Be very matter of fact about it.
"I appreciate that you are having a hard time figuring out how you would like to handle joint finances. I will be making decisions for my paycheck by (give a day or two) if we don't reach a mutually acceptable compromise by then. "
Be positive towards her... .disengage from money conversations. If she wants to engage again and it is full of blame... .ask her for help understanding her solutions... .disengage from blame.
If she is struggling with solutions... .and trying... .stick with it... .validate validate...
FF