understanding boundaries and behaviour: help, please

[sad but wiser]

Oh wow!  I wonder why she has to know more than you?  Why she can't be vulnerable and let you be right?  It isn't like you will love her less for not being able to fix it herself... .quite the opposite.  But somehow, she can't get that.  This makes me so sad!  It is the whole problem in a nutshell... .so tantalizingly close to being understood!  But... .you can't fix this BPD problem.  You can't explain and have her suddenly get it.  You live in two utterly different realities that only appear to coincide!

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[Lockjaw]

Well I haven't been doing so much for her lately. I have a couple pinched nerves in my neck, and its causing me a good deal of pain in my right shoulder. So, for example, its quit painful just to toss a ball with my kids.

And of course, I need the expert to critique all my work. She has to be my troubleshooter. And heaven forbid if the list of things we needed at the home improvement store was missing an item. We can't go back, oh no. That sets her on fire.

I said, maybe you are not cut out for home improvement.

For most of the year we worked on repairing her deck. She got mad and went out and kicked most of the spindles off it. So I ended up taking the whole rails and corner posts and everything off. We literally replaced every top side board. And they couldn't be cut, oh no, we had to get 16 foot boards there. Thats fun with a truck with a 6.5 foot bed. Every hole for every screw in that deck was drilled. I only split 3 spindles.

But let me cut a board wrong, or knock one off and break it, WOW!

So one morning, rather than laying around, I was restless, so I got up and said I was going outside to do some work. So I go out, fire up my pressure washer, and get after it. I did the sidewalk in front of her house, her driveway and sidewalk to front plus parking pad and I was going down the driveway to the basement when she comes out and starts fussing because I am not "helping" her put deck over on the deck. Mind you I had been out there for better than 2 hours, with a gas powered pressure washer. It's not like it was a secret what I was doing.

And yet for some reason, I am a jerk. I didn't finish a project. I got tired of her mess, and finished down to the deck. I was so angry with her I stayed out there in my tank top and got a sunburn. Which she could see. When I finished I put up my stuff and went inside to get my clothes to go home. She was still mad and I got so upset at her, I just point blank asked her, why are you with me? She couldn't answer.

She was mad because we weren't doing it together. LIke when we were putting deck over on the deck. You know we couldn't have 2 containers of paint, she had to be right by me, stopping me from painting so she could get it out of my container. Which is major inefficient.

And of course it took way to long to finish it. Let me tell you, that deck, considering what I had to work with, and considering I am not a carpenter, is a work of art. It's solid. There will never be a nail pop out. It's screwed together.

I got hot at her one day and just told her she had BPD. That's on my permanent record. I'm Dr. Phil.

There are days I just shake my head and go she is a B! And then I feel bad for thinking it. I used to think I was crazy. Nothing works. There is nothing that can get her to stop.

This may last all week. Guess I will be out in the woods waiting for another deer to come by. Or loading moe ammo. Or something.

Heck even today, I picked up a red dot for her dad for his AR15, because a place had them on sale, and what did I hear from her? Crickets.