Email sent me spinning

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After 8 months of NC, my pwBPD ex sent me an email, and silly me, I read it.  She owes me money, which I don't care about, but she used it as her reason for typing.

She gave me the "I love you so much as a person and a friend, but... .  ", which certainly wasn't the case in the beginning, but knowing what I know now about BPD, once she had me she didn't want me, which is standard procedure apparently.  She actually apologized for what happened in the email, which surprised me, must have been a lucid moment.

I'm proud of myself for seeing the email through different eyes, but it got to me anyway.  Kinda bummed I read it.  She wants a reply about the money, and I'd rather just let the whole thing go.

What do you guys think?

[fromheeltoheal]

After 8 months of NC, my pwBPD ex sent me an email, and silly me, I read it.  She owes me money, which I don't care about, but she used it as her reason for typing.

She gave me the "I love you so much as a person and a friend, but... .  ", which certainly wasn't the case in the beginning, but knowing what I know now about BPD, once she had me she didn't want me, which is standard procedure apparently.  She actually apologized for what happened in the email, which surprised me, must have been a lucid moment.

I'm proud of myself for seeing the email through different eyes, but it got to me anyway.  Kinda bummed I read it.  She wants a reply about the money, and I'd rather just let the whole thing go.

What do you guys think?

[wishingwell17]

My ex also owes me funds. I also have let go of wanting it back.

I have thought what my response would be if he contacts me in the future about the money. I think I might be tempted to set up a pay pal receipt account to accept the payment via debit card. Or, he knows where I live, I might simply respond with my address and state only "mail check to this address... .  "

More importantly I hope by the time he can pay it/contacts me, which will certainly be at least 8 months from now, I may not respond at all.

The money may feel like a small loss compared to what renewed contact could destroy in my healing.

I'm not sure how much your ex owes you, but mine owes me just over 2k. If I have to communicate with him I might just end up burning it up in therapy!

Good luck, no easy answer here. She may just want to pay you? Or, she may be looking to reconnect and using it as an excuse.

If she knows where to send a check or money order to you... .  it might be an excuse?

[kampuniform]

Unless you want to get bogged down in that emotional quagmire again, the fix is very simple:

Email her your address, and ask for a cheque.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks wishingwell, once again I'm not alone here.

She owes me 1500 bucks or so, and I absolutely don't care about it, in fact it's worth that much to not have anything to do with her.  I like your comment that it might need to be extra therapy money if we do reconnect.

The money was just the intro, and she then went into how she loves me very much as a friend and cares about me, but it just wasn't there for her physically and romantically.  I left her, after I'd had enough, so I saw that as an attempt to be in control and devalue me again.

I regret reading it, deleted it, and emptied the deleted folder, and will not respond, but something tells me she's not done; time to set up a rule that sends emails right to the deleted folder.

But enough about her.  I'm checking in with me; after 8 months of NC, and then that this morning, it affected me more than I expected and liked, although I see her very differently now.  I wish I could say I'm over her, but apparently I'm not, although I've made good progress.  Time to focus on me again with a renewed sense of purpose, so I suppose it was a gift.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks sor623, you're right, and I don't even want to go that far; this is a no-win situation for me.  She has my address and paying me is the right thing to do, but whatever, I don't expect it, but if a check shows up in the mail, I'll certainly deposit it.

The Big thing was how much it spun me, just the email, after the time and all the work I've done.  She had her hooks in good back then, and apparently they're not out all the way yet.  I will not do anything that will discourage her from just going away forever.

[maria1]

Hi there fromheel2heal

I think you did well to ignore and to see this as a gift. It hurts because she isn't who you thought she was but she is still there and still the same person. So she speaks to the parts of you that used to respond to her.

It's positive to recognise the hurt and the pain and just keep on going. My guess is she will use the money against you as it is one thing she thinks she can play with. It really isn't worth it.

Keep moving forward. I think you are doing amazingly well. NC is working and there is no reason to veer from your course. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks for the encouragement maria1.  I've had some time to process now after the initial shock, and that email was loaded with mixed messages (she started is with "Good morning Sunshine", which is what she'd say when she called me), and attempted to say that she should have left me before I left her, but she screwed up.  More devaluation, more attempts at control.  And that we were great friends, but she's sorry other feelings just "weren't there for her".  Well, you don't treat "great friends" the way she treated me.

Anyway, enough.  I regret reading the email, although I found myself looking at her entirely differently, and after getting educated here, the moves are very transparent.  Great thing I found you guys, or I probably would have responded in a way that fed right into the disorder.  Moving forward... .  

[kampuniform]

One of the concepts that aids significantly towards one’s recovery is that:

She wasn’t sending you mixed messages.

To make matters worse, she isn’t trying to hurt you.

There is no “you” in her equation that you would be able to decipher, and she is not operating on a level of consciousness that you would be able to fathom. 

A need arises, and she thinks that you will address that need.  Once the need has passed, so do you in every sense of the word.

The framework for interpreting reality comes through a process of Symbolic Interaction:

A person makes sense of their world, and defines their “self”, through their interactions with others.

BPD relationships are volatile; so they cannot successfully interact with others; so there is no sense of “self” and no stable sense of reality.

Relationally, they are a bicycle with training wheels, and we are an Abrahams M1 tank.  We will always be in the one-up position.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks sor623, that helps.  It's difficult to accept that she isn't rational, because she does a great 'sane' imitation at times, but thanks for the reminder.  Everything she says has weight because I had real, strong feelings for her, much less so today thank you, and it really seems that she is a masterful manipulator and controller, but putting it in the context of the disorder settles me down.  Thanks again.

[Hurt llama]

Unless you want to get bogged down in that emotional quagmire again, the fix is very simple:

Email her your address, and ask for a cheque.

I've unfortunately lent my ex money and I can finally face the truth that I did it for more than just the reason of being a nice guy, even if I was... . I am sickened thinking she owes me over $5K and has about zero money... . But she is probably getting a good job and she will pay me back as always.

I was just thinking about how I will feel when she does start sending  dribs and drabs of $100 payments... .  and it's sickening to imagine how I might feel the pull or tug to connect even saying thank you.

I almost emailed her today about it and was going to ask her when she has it to PayPal it to my sister and give my sister instructions to never tell me and to keep it. It's a good deed to help my sister and it's a win that i don't just write it off as she doesn't deserve that kindness.

BUT, if I reached out today it would be an excuse to connect and that right now costs me more emotionally as I am committed (fighting hard) to not reach out.

What my plan will be if I still feel this way when and if she ever starts paying me back, is to at that time direct her to send my sister the money.

I wish... . I so wish I didn't send her the last couple of loans... .  not to be mean but she was down and out and had nowhere to turn... .  and it was not my place to be in that position and I always told her I would lend her money without needing to talk about it as she was good for paying it back.

i sort of forgot one person in that equation. ME.

I walked away from money with another ex when it was torture getting slow small payments which only served to draw me in.

NEVER again will I lend money in Crazy Land relationships... . My next relationship will be with a woman that stands fine on her own.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes Hurt llama, the money can be a way of keeping us hooked, which is why I absolutely don't care about it.  The best thing she can do is send me a check with no note, but if I get anything at all it will be with a note or a card, and I absolutely cannot have anything to do with this woman; I'm finally getting my feet under me again, and ANY interaction with her and the disorder makes me insane.  I'm shocked to know how far down the rabbit hole I went when I was in it, but it's refreshing to look back and see how far out I've climbed.  Her email helped with that, and may there be no more.

[Hurt llama]

Yes Hurt llama, the money can be a way of keeping us hooked, which is why I absolutely don't care about it.  The best thing she can do is send me a check with no note, but if I get anything at all it will be with a note or a card, and I absolutely cannot have anything to do with this woman; I'm finally getting my feet under me again, and ANY interaction with her and the disorder makes me insane.  I'm shocked to know how far down the rabbit hole I went when I was in it, but it's refreshing to look back and see how far out I've climbed.  Her email helped with that, and may there be no more.

If I didn't experience it myself, I wouldn't be able to understand. I was a more than willing fool in this one lending when I should not have and I so regret it, not because of getting paid back or not but first off, she should have suffered her fate without me and now there will be this connection... .  and she wont use it that way (probably)... . it's not her style. But the anxiety about being manipulated or mind f'd is not my imagination either. And I have never pulled away this hard from her ever.

I almost emailed her after this post to tell her to send payments to my sister but realized that is connecting and not just pointless but I am viewing ANY communication right now as GIVING to her... .  and I have given her more than she deserved or ever received in her life. Yes, I am that 'wonderful man' but as I say... .  that at $5 will get you a Double Iced Latte in Starbucks.

You have it completely right. Good for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks Hurt llama, the validation helps a lot.

[patientandclear]

FHTH:

Remember that she is telling herself a story that helps to make sense of all this.  Sounds obvious that she is experiencing regret and self-blame and in order to alleviate that, she needs a story that explains how you got here if, as she seems to feel now, you are really great.  So what does that leave?  Either "I have no idea why I can't stay in a r/s with a great person (you) who loves me," which my ex did manage to say one time, or "I only have friends-type feelings for you," which he later resorted to.  I have lots of reasons to think that's not true, little signs he showed when I made absolutely clear that I was only open to a friendship with him unless I heard something very different from him than I was hearing, about insight into his intimacy barriers.  We rapidly got to a point where we were far more than friends, yet not lovers, and it didn't really have a name, and it was the best/most he could sustain intimately with another person, and even then, he ultimately couldn't stay there with me either (and has no words to explain why so isn't communicating with me at all).

My point for you is: don't take literally her story about how she loves you as a person and friend but the romantic/sexual feelings faded.  First of all, in what r/s does some shift of that nature not happen at a certain point?  But I doubt it is even about that.  From what you related of her message, sounds like she is experiencing some serious regrets and needs to somehow explain all this to herself, and this is the best she can do.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks P&C, that helps.  I've been pretty spun since I read that email yesterday, and my thoughts have gone to her need to create a story she can live with, and it's great to hear you echo those thoughts. 

It's also caused me to dive back into these boards and other places with a renewed vigor, although I'm much more focused on my own healing than on learning about her disorder now, which I consider progress.  I know that we can't focus on the words they say, but I hadn't heard her typing "voice" since I left her last August, and she still triggers a big reaction in me, clearly.

We're not qualified to diagnose anything here, but in my rookie opinion she isn't full blown BPD, although definitely has the exact BPD traits we read about here, which I triggered in a big way, which meant I really mattered for a while.  But she does have very lucid moments, where she sounds pretty mature and grounded, like her yesterday, from what you can hear in an email.  She ended it something like "I miss you and want nothing but the best for you. xoxo", which can be interpreted a few ways, I ain't goin' there, no way, but I have to admit it felt good to hear.

At one point I got to the same place you did with yours, where we press the relationship for answers, to make sense of the nonsensical, and our BPD doesn't have the capacity or awareness or whatever to communicate what's really going on them them.  Mine used to oscillate between whiny little girl and royal btch, with no real information communicated or issues resolved.  Done our time in hell, time to learn and grow.  Thanks again.