One Week No Contact. Two weeks since end #4 or 5.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had to check my calendar to get a handle on how long it's been NC with my (long distance) exBPD fiancee/on and off again 'girlfriend'.

Feels like 6 months but it's been two weeks since she visited last and I had wanted to 'officially' try again and couldn't handle it for more than 48 hours and "Officially" ended it... .  and actually said the word this is an "Official break up" (not that it has much meaning after doing it so many times)

The following week she sent just a couple of emails or texts and I sent her a letter that was gentle and well written that it's just not going to work out. Finally about a week ago for the first time since knowing her (almost 6 years), even though I ended the engagement and broke it off I have gone NC or extreme LC, if I sent her a one word response it hurts me now (good sign).  We are a part of each other's lives, even through a couple of relationships we each have had. I won't post here the long story as I've done it already and I am trying to pull myself 'out' of the stories and sort things out in my mind as to what is 'mine', what did I bring to it and what did I gain in this obviously extremely codependant relationship?

Doing this work has been almost completely consuming... . it's embarrassing the level of thought and time it fills up. Some days (most) I have trouble even going out during the day but am able to socialize well at night.

I've written a lot about my experiences and so much has changed since I joined the forum about 6 weeks ago after finally deciding to post when I felt literally unable to stop text messaging. It's happened before with her and with my rebound gf who I sought out to recreate the relationship but make it so absurd I would see things and heal that way... .  Um... . maybe not the best plan as that relationship did take me away from BPD Woman but at another cost.

But I was able to learn a lot with rebound relationship and it really was my clear plan and supported by my therapist. But I think my therapist would support anything in the name of process. It went to far in my opinion and I wish I had seen someone who could have given me some insight on BPD. But my therapist did say it would most likely never work out but I think I needed a little more than that!

I'm  realizing in the 'quiet' of her absence the awareness that during all the time I've known my ex BPD, there has existed an almost constant vibration, i think of it as a high pitched squeal that was there always... .  It was like being with someone who is present and constantly expressing love and at the same time, taking 'notes' of every single thing that might be alerting her, bothering and filing it away for later use.

This was happening and I think I was doing a different lower key form of the same thing. Not about everything as she did but anything involving or relating to men. Be it ex's, male friends or any man she would mention or come across in business or anything.

My hyper sensitivity that was a result of PTSD when she cheated on me early on, was NEVER an issue in my life before her (and I was married 20 years with a fair amount of women around me since... . not a jealous guy ... . or wasn't)

It's in this quiet place I am sitting now, stayed inside for two days. Writing, thinking and not much else.

I never went back to the 'place' of the crazy compulsive out of control texting that I had 6 weeks ago that she deliberately triggered when she returned home the first trip 6 weeks ago.

I am amazed that although I think about her endlessly... .  and I think about contacting her, I just so far, can't.

Each time I feel the pull, I try to carry it forward and imagine and remember how frustrating it always was to try to explain my feelings and that in reality there is no way for her to 'get it'. It's part of her mental illness. i don't say that lightly at all.

I know I can't continue living like this... . it's bad for my health in so many ways.

But I am seeing how much this dysfunctional relationship has effected me so deeply and for so long and how I have almost intentionally held myself back by being in this gratifying role of coach, wise man, clown and ugh, loan officier.

At the end of the day, I simply ask myself before calling her or emailing... .  "What's in it for me?"

And the honest answer is, that by keeping in touch so much, it's a way to keep my self in a state of enmeshed involvement in which by doing so not only is my life not even half lived but I am putting myself in a vulnerable position to be always there for her, even for sex and knowing she is a leopard that is never changing her spots. I was always her first choice but never her only choice for more than the time I was physically with her. She would never cheat again, rather she waits for me to say anything that she feels are clues I might reject her and this is just how she operates with all men.

I pray for the strength to stay away. She's stronger than me but I always underestimate her ability to reach out again. WHy shouldn't she? While I know she's not going to be calling, I just blocked the number so that I can maintain a feeling of imagined power... . It's weak as hell but better than I was doing.

Thank you all for reading and for some truly insightful and helpful posts since I joined this forum.

[Hurt llama]

I had to check my calendar to get a handle on how long it's been NC with my (long distance) exBPD fiancee/on and off again 'girlfriend'.

Feels like 6 months but it's been two weeks since she visited last and I had wanted to 'officially' try again and couldn't handle it for more than 48 hours and "Officially" ended it... .  and actually said the word this is an "Official break up" (not that it has much meaning after doing it so many times)

The following week she sent just a couple of emails or texts and I sent her a letter that was gentle and well written that it's just not going to work out. Finally about a week ago for the first time since knowing her (almost 6 years), even though I ended the engagement and broke it off I have gone NC or extreme LC, if I sent her a one word response it hurts me now (good sign).  We are a part of each other's lives, even through a couple of relationships we each have had. I won't post here the long story as I've done it already and I am trying to pull myself 'out' of the stories and sort things out in my mind as to what is 'mine', what did I bring to it and what did I gain in this obviously extremely codependant relationship?

Doing this work has been almost completely consuming... . it's embarrassing the level of thought and time it fills up. Some days (most) I have trouble even going out during the day but am able to socialize well at night.

I've written a lot about my experiences and so much has changed since I joined the forum about 6 weeks ago after finally deciding to post when I felt literally unable to stop text messaging. It's happened before with her and with my rebound gf who I sought out to recreate the relationship but make it so absurd I would see things and heal that way... .  Um... . maybe not the best plan as that relationship did take me away from BPD Woman but at another cost.

But I was able to learn a lot with rebound relationship and it really was my clear plan and supported by my therapist. But I think my therapist would support anything in the name of process. It went to far in my opinion and I wish I had seen someone who could have given me some insight on BPD. But my therapist did say it would most likely never work out but I think I needed a little more than that!

I'm  realizing in the 'quiet' of her absence the awareness that during all the time I've known my ex BPD, there has existed an almost constant vibration, i think of it as a high pitched squeal that was there always... .  It was like being with someone who is present and constantly expressing love and at the same time, taking 'notes' of every single thing that might be alerting her, bothering and filing it away for later use.

This was happening and I think I was doing a different lower key form of the same thing. Not about everything as she did but anything involving or relating to men. Be it ex's, male friends or any man she would mention or come across in business or anything.

My hyper sensitivity that was a result of PTSD when she cheated on me early on, was NEVER an issue in my life before her (and I was married 20 years with a fair amount of women around me since... . not a jealous guy ... . or wasn't)

It's in this quiet place I am sitting now, stayed inside for two days. Writing, thinking and not much else.

I never went back to the 'place' of the crazy compulsive out of control texting that I had 6 weeks ago that she deliberately triggered when she returned home the first trip 6 weeks ago.

I am amazed that although I think about her endlessly... .  and I think about contacting her, I just so far, can't.

Each time I feel the pull, I try to carry it forward and imagine and remember how frustrating it always was to try to explain my feelings and that in reality there is no way for her to 'get it'. It's part of her mental illness. i don't say that lightly at all.

I know I can't continue living like this... . it's bad for my health in so many ways.

But I am seeing how much this dysfunctional relationship has effected me so deeply and for so long and how I have almost intentionally held myself back by being in this gratifying role of coach, wise man, clown and ugh, loan officier.

At the end of the day, I simply ask myself before calling her or emailing... .  "What's in it for me?"

And the honest answer is, that by keeping in touch so much, it's a way to keep my self in a state of enmeshed involvement in which by doing so not only is my life not even half lived but I am putting myself in a vulnerable position to be always there for her, even for sex and knowing she is a leopard that is never changing her spots. I was always her first choice but never her only choice for more than the time I was physically with her. She would never cheat again, rather she waits for me to say anything that she feels are clues I might reject her and this is just how she operates with all men.

I pray for the strength to stay away. She's stronger than me but I always underestimate her ability to reach out again. WHy shouldn't she? While I know she's not going to be calling, I just blocked the number so that I can maintain a feeling of imagined power... . It's weak as hell but better than I was doing.

Thank you all for reading and for some truly insightful and helpful posts since I joined this forum.

[Surnia]

Hurt llama

sometimes NC is a good thing especially to avoid a new rebound. So blocking her number is one step.

Can you add some other steps? I think it is important that you have new things to focus on. Some distraction, some challenge, a project that makes you busy and let you forget about her. This can make you stronger.

You can do it. 

[laelle]

Hurt,

Wow!  I mean Wow!  

Looks like all that thinking and reading you have been doing is starting to pay off big time for you, eh?  I am the same with contacting my ex.

I ask myself the exact same question.  "If I contacted him, (and he didnt tell me to bugger off), what kind of mess would I be creating for myself?

I dont want the things that he brings into my life, so why invite him back in it?  Tempting still... .  why? I dunno.

I did the same thing with a rebound.  I hurt the guy terribly.  At his expense, I learned a few things as well.  How a man shows that he cares for a woman.

Respect for the person you care about, Gentle motivation and support.  So many times my ex would just verbally   all over me and I would think.

that other guy, (who I probably put into therapy), would never talk to me like that.  He was always very supportive.  He told me how valuable I was in his life, not how I was the cause of all his problems.  The other relationship was not one that would work as I was in a sense using him to get over my ex, but I did learn some valuable information in the process.

Just for the record... .  I am not going to go into another relationship until I am cleaned up from this one.  No one else has to suffer at the hands of mine and my ex's

toxic dance.

Back on course.     Good stuff!

[Hurt llama]

sometimes NC is a good thing especially to avoid a new rebound. So blocking her number is one step.

Can you add some other steps? I think it is important that you have new things to focus on. Some distraction, some challenge, a project that makes you busy and let you forget about her. This can make you stronger.

I've started some cool, important, fun and creative projects that need to be done and also help me distract myself from my exBPD. It's perfect and good for me and it does help!

I unblock her number usually (It's doubtful she's calling anyway (yet) but I block it sometimes when I feel in the off chance she does call, I am not ready to speak with her as I now look at ANY communication,, even a one word text as me GIVING to her and it TAKING from me. I've given to much and I don't see any benefit right now.

Looks like all that thinking and reading you have been doing is starting to pay off big time for you, eh?  I am the same with contacting my ex.

I ask myself the exact same question.  "If I contacted him, (and he didnt tell me to bugger off), what kind of mess would I be creating for myself?

I dont want the things that he brings into my life, so why invite him back in it?  Tempting still... .  why? I dunno.

I did the same thing with a rebound.  I hurt the guy terribly.  At his expense, I learned a few things as well.  How a man shows that he cares for a woman.

Respect for the person you care about, Gentle motivation and support.  So many times my ex would just verbally   all over me and I would think.

that other guy, (who I probably put into therapy), would never talk to me like that.  He was always very supportive.  He told me how valuable I was in his life, not how I was the cause of all his problems.  The other relationship was not one that would work as I was in a sense using him to get over my ex, but I did learn some valuable information in the process.

Just for the record... .  I am not going to go into another relationship until I am cleaned up from this one.  No one else has to suffer at the hands of mine and my ex's

toxic dance.

Yes! All the writing here and work I am doing IS paying off. That was the intention and it's helping, even if  I am still in a sickening state about it all, I do see myself pulling out of this and into the great life that has always and is aways available to me.

My rebound was funny, in a dark, disturbing way…lol It's worthy of a book but the short story is that she and I are fond of each other and have a certain love for each other that is very cool and amazing it survived the torture she put me through and I probably returned the favor... . but it was only on one level 'worse' than my exBPD on the other level there was a safety,even with all the drama that my ex BPD never did offer. Ever.

I will soon be ready to start dating again. Not today, not tomorrow but soon I will. I am in some ways at the beginning and in other ways have worked as hard as I as able during the BPD relationship, in therapy years before and after and I know I have the internal strength and resolve to overcome this and start living the life right in front of me and out of Crazy Land.

Yes, I am still vulnerable. I know it and it's sickening making. My exBPD was 99% what I want but I think in another thread of yours I posted that I had my "Spat in the face" moment and I hold it close now and it's my "Get out of Crazy Land" Card.

I'm not forgetting this time. Or Forgiving.

THank you both for the posts. Very appreciated.