Some things on my mind

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 I get hit with memories every now and then.Words that were said mostly.Words can be cruel when used against someone,or they can help lift someone when they need it most.I let my X damage me with words.I remember them vividly."You're a selfish person!","You're not a good dad!","You're a loser!"

Then,some time later I told my X that I'm not selfish.She told me,"No,you're not selfish at all Marble.You'd do anything to help someone in need".

During her deposition,my attorney asked her if she said these things.She acknowledged that she did.My attorney asked her if she thought I was a bad father.She stated,"No.He's a good dad.He loves the kids and they love him and being with him".My atty asked if I provided for the family and had a steady job for years.My X told her "Yes.He took care of everything financially."She then asked if I coached the kids teams."Yes"

I was a bit taken back by all of this.Why during all of these years was I told these things,screamed at,demonized,physically abused at times,and made to feel worthless?

I could see the empathy in my atty's face after it was over and she's not one to show emotion.Every time I tell her something now,she says "I know.I believe you." I think she was a bit shocked as well.

I try to be alot more careful with words I say these days.They can cut to the core and last for years.I'm slowly rebuilding from these.I know I'm not the things she said I was.Not perfect,but I'm living to be the best I can be.

[marbleloser]

 I get hit with memories every now and then.Words that were said mostly.Words can be cruel when used against someone,or they can help lift someone when they need it most.I let my X damage me with words.I remember them vividly."You're a selfish person!","You're not a good dad!","You're a loser!"

Then,some time later I told my X that I'm not selfish.She told me,"No,you're not selfish at all Marble.You'd do anything to help someone in need".

During her deposition,my attorney asked her if she said these things.She acknowledged that she did.My attorney asked her if she thought I was a bad father.She stated,"No.He's a good dad.He loves the kids and they love him and being with him".My atty asked if I provided for the family and had a steady job for years.My X told her "Yes.He took care of everything financially."She then asked if I coached the kids teams."Yes"

I was a bit taken back by all of this.Why during all of these years was I told these things,screamed at,demonized,physically abused at times,and made to feel worthless?

I could see the empathy in my atty's face after it was over and she's not one to show emotion.Every time I tell her something now,she says "I know.I believe you." I think she was a bit shocked as well.

I try to be alot more careful with words I say these days.They can cut to the core and last for years.I'm slowly rebuilding from these.I know I'm not the things she said I was.Not perfect,but I'm living to be the best I can be.

[Maryiscontrary]

Because marble loser, her reality is not continuitous. She felt so crappy about herself that she lashes out at the closest thing, you. Just like a raging drunk would.

[marbleloser]

Thanks Mary 

That hurt to write that post,but it helped to release it.I didn't realize how badly words damaged me and what I let it do to my self-esteem.That was part of my codependant traits.Letting someone else give ME value,or lack of in this case.If I allow that,then I'm nothing more than what others think of me.

[Cumulus]

I think when we can tell one person our story and be believed, we can begin to move away from the story. I am so glad your attorney recognized the deceit and that you were able to see that. Words are every bit as painful as sticks and stones. Staying with the play ground theme one giant step for marbleloser. 

[Cardinals in Flight]

I think you should change your username    How about, Marblefinder? 

Words do hurt, they can cut you to the core as you said.  I'll never ever forget the first time I was raged at and I'd never in my life been yelled at that way, not even by my mother who is famous for having a laser tongue!

And then? say the most wonderful things about me and to me, loving beautiful things... .  out of the same mouth.  Smh... .  

CiF

[marbleloser]

Thank you Cumulus. I got some validation that day.My atty is different in that just because I'm paying her,she still wants facts.Mainly so she doesn't look like an idiot I would think.

I think she thought I was embellishing the truth a little until she heard it herself.It helps to have an atty that believes you and believes in you.

Thank you again,and yes,one giant step

[marbleloser]

LOL Cif! That kinda sounds,... .  well nevermind.

Smh indeed! Weird the stuff we put up with isn't it?

[Diligence]

marbleloser,

How nice that you received this unexpected validation in front of your attorney.  This is powerful in the midst of divorce trauma.

Having a good attorney is vital.  We all need a bulldog in our corner when the future is at stake.  I wish you peace as you continue through the desolution process. 

Warm regards!

[maria1]

I really like this thread Marbleloser. I actually like the fact that your ex has let go too.

People say things to hurt and the hurt goes so deep. The most hurtful things my ex said were when he knew I was on my way away from him (he'd dumped me but that didn't matter).

It's incredibly hard not to believe the person we love and, as much as it might be codependency in that we shape ourselves by how others see us it's also love.

Living to be the best you can be is a fantastic goal to live by. Good for you 

[marbleloser]

Thank you Diligence! 

maria,Thank you as well. I still get told how bad I am and how I do things wrong from the X,but I just let it go.

[seeking balance]

Hi marbleloser,

Words can cut some people to the bone while others let it role off their backs.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman?  Basically, we are shown love in 5 different ways - on the flip side/ if we are attacked by one of our love languages it can really hurt too.

Check out the online test - perhaps your love language is words of affirmation

My ex used my words against me in MC - out of context and it really did shock and hurt me.  The words ruminated and "holding onto the words said" was a false belief that really would keep me stuck. 

When I put this into perspective of they way I value love shown to me, it made more sense on why it cut so deep.

Peace,

SB

[marbleloser]

I have read it SB. I saw exactly what my love language is.If/when I'm in a RS,I want it to be with someone that naturally is able to give me that.In turn,I should naturally match their love language.That should be a RS that works! We may have to work on reading their love language,but I think it should come natural to just do it.

My match would be someone who's more physical and gives words of encouragement.I'd be a match for someone who likes the same,as well as someone who helps around the home,can fix things ( ).I can do that!

I wouldn't be a match for someone who's more "stand-offish".