Do you feel stronger than even BEFORE you met your BPD ex?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have spent the past several months with a great psychiatrist and been in no contact with my BPDex. Although it has not been easy, for the first time in my life I am enjoying time alone with myself. I feel that after I am healed from this traumatic relationship I will actually be a better, stronger, emotionally healthier person than I EVER was. 

Any similar success stories or feelings? Sure that was hell we went through, but if it means becoming stronger and better than ever, I would like to think it was all worth it. 

[hopealways]

I have spent the past several months with a great psychiatrist and been in no contact with my BPDex. Although it has not been easy, for the first time in my life I am enjoying time alone with myself. I feel that after I am healed from this traumatic relationship I will actually be a better, stronger, emotionally healthier person than I EVER was. 

Any similar success stories or feelings? Sure that was hell we went through, but if it means becoming stronger and better than ever, I would like to think it was all worth it. 

[houseofswans]

Yes, I look forward to the newer, stronger me.

When that will be?

Who knows... .?

[hopealways]

Sooner than you think my friend.  It's interesting how we showed so much patience with our BPD abuser, but when it comes to ourselves we not only do not have the patience to see the day that we will be even better than before, but also find it hard to imagine such a day.  It will happen, keep up the faith and keep healing!

[UnLuckyLady]

Not yet. Not at all. Some days I feel like I am regressing, I just want my memory of the entire thing to be erased.

[Waifed]

Two steps forward, one set back. I am at a frustrating stage. I am happy about NC.  I will not break it if she tries to contact me. I've accepted that it needs to be over and I would not break contact only to start over. Consciously I know to move on but my subconscious hasn't kept up.

During good days I am laughing again for the first time in a few years. Bad days, not so much.

[Bananas]

hopealways,

YES!  Not everyday, but I do have days where I feel much stronger and much of an "improved" person as a result of my ride on the chaos train.  I also have a fantastic therapist. 

So yes, we can learn and grow from this.  Now I am not going to run up and thank my ex for making me a better person, but I do feel some gratitude to him for leading me to this path.  I have a long history of dysfunctional relationships.  It was the relationship with my uBPD/NPD/ASPD? ex that finally got me to the point to look at myself.

Your post was very inspiring!  Heres to every day getting a little bit better!   

[bb12]

I'm 18 months out and the answer is a resounding YES

If you do the work on yourself... .as you seem to be doing already with the psychiatrist... .then a new level of consciousness emerges. You become more aware of the mechanics behind who you attract into your world and how you behave with people. With consciousness comes better control of self. And from that comes strength.

For me, there are three main things to work on concurrently: mental health by coming to understand what happened from an intellectual viewpoint; then emotional health, where we can get rid of that lump in the throat, weigh in the chest and addictive, physical pull. And thirdly, pro-actively building a new life for ourselves from a conscious perspective. Honouring ourselves by being gentler and treating our SELF like we would a different person. This might include hanging with better people, putting our needs further up the line than we are used to, eliminating bad patterns.

For me, I can pretty much split my actions into those three categories. Feels positive and lighter.

PTSD is a big deal, and healing from the abuse can be a matter of two steps forward, one back. But every day is better. Yes.

BB12

[snappafcw]

Almost ten months out and the answer is YES! although i do agree the whole journey has been two steps forward and one step backwards... .

The positive for me is I see red flags so easily now. I listen to my gut and I am not as naive anymore... .On the negative though I really don't trust anyone and I now have some massive walls up... .

I guess I still have some work to do.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

It's interesting how we showed so much patience with our BPD abuser, but when it comes to ourselves ... .

We are really inconsistent, aren't we? We allow the ex all kinds of leeway, we excuse, we justify, we explain... .we support, we enable, we encourage... .we do ANYTHING for the ex.

For ourselves? Hmm, interesting.


I'm on my way, with a great therapist and friends and Dad.

[hopealways]

I'm 18 months out and the answer is a resounding YES

If you do the work on yourself... .as you seem to be doing already with the psychiatrist... .then a new level of consciousness emerges. You become more aware of the mechanics behind who you attract into your world and how you behave with people. With consciousness comes better control of self. And from that comes strength.

For me, there are three main things to work on concurrently: mental health by coming to understand what happened from an intellectual viewpoint; then emotional health, where we can get rid of that lump in the throat, weigh in the chest and addictive, physical pull. And thirdly, pro-actively building a new life for ourselves from a conscious perspective. Honouring ourselves by being gentler and treating our SELF like we would a different person. This might include hanging with better people, putting our needs further up the line than we are used to, eliminating bad patterns.

For me, I can pretty much split my actions into those three categories. Feels positive and lighter.

PTSD is a big deal, and healing from the abuse can be a matter of two steps forward, one back. But every day is better. Yes.

BB12

Thank you for this great insight BB12 and for the positivity! Hearing success stories like yours is a great help for all the family.

[Lucky Jim]

hopealways,

YES!  I had to learn the hard way, but am now much stronger and healthier than before.

You will be, too.

Lucky Jim

[hopealways]

Thanks Jim! Curious, how long after the final no contact did it take for you to get to this great position you are in?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hopealways,

My Ex and I share children so we are LC, not NC. 

Your question reminds me of the old story about meditation practice in which the student asks the master, "How long should I meditate?" and the Master replies, "How should I know?"

Seriously, I am reluctant to give any particular timeframe because everyone is different.

Healing for me involved coming to terms with the reasons why a pwBPD was so alluring to me (and to practically everyone else on this board!).

You seem like you are on a good path.  Other keys for me include listening to my gut feelings and striving to be authentic.

Needless to say, it's a work-in-progress!

Thanks to all,

Lucky Jim

[Turkish]

I have spent the past several months with a great psychiatrist and been in no contact with my BPDex. Although it has not been easy, for the first time in my life I am enjoying time alone with myself. I feel that after I am healed from this traumatic relationship I will actually be a better, stronger, emotionally healthier person than I EVER was. 

Any similar success stories or feelings? Sure that was hell we went through, but if it means becoming stronger and better than ever, I would like to think it was all worth it. 

I don't know if I am emotionally healthy at this point, but I know I am stronger, if only to put up with this for six years. I know I am not the one with the eating disorder, the problem with intimacy, or the one who doesn't understand the opposite gender (the opposite of what she told me for most of our relationship). And all in all, I know I am the one who is the constant, stable force and identity, not fragmented and split like she is. I may be funnier in this situation, more serious and intellectual in that one, easy going, or more determined and focused in others. But at the end of the day, every day, I am me, the same, complete and whole person all of the time. Damaged for now, but I will wear the scars proudly, at least on the inside, and move forward. I keep me together for me.

[goldylamont]

i do feel stronger, or perhaps a better word would be wiser, more experienced. some of this is just maturity also since it's been about 6 yrs since i met this person; and i have had a positive r/s with a healthy woman since then. so, i would say yes i feel wiser at this point. but totally agree that it's 2 steps forward and 1 back  i can start to notice myself when i start to go back to my old ways of ruminating, etc. these "episodes" are less frequent now and definitely much less destructive or intense for me, however it's important that i'm aware that i'm still dealing with these emotions and that my work isn't up.

i'm not in a r/s right now... .been about 3 months since the end of my positive r/s, and the time alone i feel is a good standard for me to figure out where i am, who i am now. i do miss love and having a gf, but at the same time i'm trying to take advantage of this time i have to myself as much as possible before starting my next journey.

[DragoN]

But at the end of the day, every day, I am me, the same, complete and whole person all of the time. Damaged for now, but I will wear the scars proudly, at least on the inside, and move forward. I keep me together for me.

Yep, some days are better than others PTSD is a tad insidious, but I think I am over the worst of it. Finalizing the divorce is the next storm with the SO around and then I hope to focus 100% on healing.

In short, definitely much stronger than before I met my SO, mangled but not broken. NC is necessary though.

[Accepting]

i'm not in a r/s right now... .been about 3 months since the end of my positive r/s, and the time alone i feel is a good standard for me to figure out where i am, who i am now. i do miss love and having a gf, but at the same time i'm trying to take advantage of this time i have to myself as much as possible before starting my next journey.

I've always enjoyed the time of being single in between seeing people. It's ironic that when I met 'him' I was quite content just doing my thing and remember saying to him that if I committed to him as he was insisting or hoping, that I hoped it would be a really great thing, us being together... cos I felt so happy just doing my thing back then. That I really didn't want to go through any more pain and heartache... Little did I know what was in store! But you've reminded me of how I was when I met him and I'm keen to have that same easy going peace of mind back again and to really enjoy the freedom of just being 'me'. Even in good r/ships you sacrifice yourself... .it is this time alone that should be so cherished... especially as one day if you meet the right person you might not ever have alone time again.

I don't feel overly strong/er right now but definitely a lot wiser and I feel like I've grown years in maturity in a 'relatively' short time.

[peas]

I've always enjoyed the time of being single in between seeing people. It's ironic that when I met 'him' I was quite content just doing my thing and remember saying to him that if I committed to him as he was insisting or hoping, that I hoped it would be a really great thing, us being together... cos I felt so happy just doing my thing back then. That I really didn't want to go through any more pain and heartache... Little did I know what was in store!

That was my situation when I met my ex-uBPD guy. I usually do fine in between relationships, am content on my own. I'm trying to recover that post-BPD b/u.

[Emelie Emelie]

It's funny... .because like Pea's I was very happy on my own.  My xHB and I had separated about a year before and I felt like life was going really well.  Figured I'd date at some point but wasn't in any hurry.  And was certainly going to be careful who I gave my heart to.  Well he scaled the walls and I gave my heart to him.  And we all know what comes after that.

I don't feel stronger than before.  After the marriage I was sure I'd never get into another bad rs.  I don't have that confidence anymore.  I'm much more emotionally fragile.  This rs and the therapy I started afterwards has helped me identify some of my issues.  So I'm hoping I'll come out of this better and stronger.  But three months later... .not there yet.

[hopealways]

It's funny... .because like Pea's I was very happy on my own.  My xHB and I had separated about a year before and I felt like life was going really well.  Figured I'd date at some point but wasn't in any hurry.  And was certainly going to be careful who I gave my heart to.  Well he scaled the walls and I gave my heart to him.  And we all know what comes after that.

I don't feel stronger than before.  After the marriage I was sure I'd never get into another bad rs.  I don't have that confidence anymore.  I'm much more emotionally fragile.  This rs and the therapy I started afterwards has helped me identify some of my issues.  So I'm hoping I'll come out of this better and stronger.  But three months later... .not there yet.

You will be! Just hang in there, continue the therapy, allow yourself to feel. You just need to heal but you will.

[tflbhs]

Hey. I have not been on for some time. I was so miserable and my heart hurt with a pain no one could understand... .except for those on this site. I honestly thought I would die from the pain and loss. I broke NC at least a dozen times. I just wanted my baby back.

I threw myself into work. I drank and smoked too much when I was alone. I secluded myself from friends and family. At the time, I felt like everyone else was smiling and happy while I was suffering the loss equivalent to a death. As the seasons came and went, the familiar smells and sounds of life associated with my love drove me into utter depression. But guess what? Its been 9 months and I am me again! Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would feel normal again. Everyone will. I am so proud to say that I know Ill never go back. I have memories but I am different now. All of will be. If I can do it, so can everyone!

[Accepting]

tflbhs I smiled reading that.     

[tflbhs]

You will walk through hell. But in the end you will come out alive and well. I couldn't even fathom a happy life. Put your time in and time will assist.

[goldylamont]

i'm not in a r/s right now... .been about 3 months since the end of my positive r/s, and the time alone i feel is a good standard for me to figure out where i am, who i am now. i do miss love and having a gf, but at the same time i'm trying to take advantage of this time i have to myself as much as possible before starting my next journey.

I've always enjoyed the time of being single in between seeing people. It's ironic that when I met 'him' I was quite content just doing my thing and remember saying to him that if I committed to him as he was insisting or hoping, that I hoped it would be a really great thing, us being together... cos I felt so happy just doing my thing back then. That I really didn't want to go through any more pain and heartache... Little did I know what was in store! But you've reminded me of how I was when I met him and I'm keen to have that same easy going peace of mind back again and to really enjoy the freedom of just being 'me'. Even in good r/ships you sacrifice yourself... .it is this time alone that should be so cherished... especially as one day if you meet the right person you might not ever have alone time again.

I don't feel overly strong/er right now but definitely a lot wiser and I feel like I've grown years in maturity in a 'relatively' short time.

Accepting this is exactly what i needed to hear. thank you so much for this. 

[Accepting]

Haha no problem goldylamont  Rock on!  It's great when you read something on this site and it resonates and sorts you out isn't it?

[goldylamont]

It's funny... .because like Pea's I was very happy on my own.  My xHB and I had separated about a year before and I felt like life was going really well.  Figured I'd date at some point but wasn't in any hurry.  And was certainly going to be careful who I gave my heart to.  Well he scaled the walls and I gave my heart to him.  And we all know what comes after that.

I don't feel stronger than before.  After the marriage I was sure I'd never get into another bad rs.  I don't have that confidence anymore.  I'm much more emotionally fragile.  This rs and the therapy I started afterwards has helped me identify some of my issues.  So I'm hoping I'll come out of this better and stronger.  But three months later... .not there yet.

Emelie, three months is not a long time at all to get over something as painful as a divorce (still in process I believe). You sounded healthy and resilient before the r/s and this is what attracted this person to you, to feed off of your good spirit. For us, well we have a longer time to heal, because we actually feel what is real. Our healing is real--and that's why it takes so long. It's totally understandable to be fragile only a few months out and with more drama looming. Give yourself time and don't feel bad about where you are at--you know who you really are and that was there before. I firmly believe we are all on a journey back to that more positive place. at least i for damn sure hope i am   big huuuugs!