3 months NC... My thoughts.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am at 3 months NC... .

Since my exUBPDgf... .

Left me for the second time.

I am healing... .

Slowly.

My coping mechanism... .

Which used to be my artwork... .

Is still non functional.

However... .

My new found learning... .

Of the Japanese language... .

Is helping me.

At least.

Helps with my ruminations... .

They have subsided... .

Not fully... .

But at least somewhat.

Learning that language... .

Helps keep my mind focused... .

To an extent.

Where my thoughts... .

Don't spiral out of control.

Where am in healing... .

In contrast to when she left me first time... .?

First time she left me... .

My feelings were not as heavily invested... .

So I was much further along... .

And that was when she returned.

Now that I invested way more of my feelings... .

I met her 2 sons... .

Spent more time with her... .

Knew about her BPD fully... .

And the fact that she still hurt me... .

And left again... .

The healing... .

Is progressing... .

At a far slower pace.

The damage has been severe.

I have secluded myself... .

From my close friends.

Their invalidation... .

Has hurt me.

I really don't want anyone close to me.

Literally.

My self defense CIWS guns... .

Activate automatically now... .

At phantom targets.

The rain of fire... .

Of having endured... .

2 rounds of devaluation... .

Has left that mark on me.

I still have trouble... .

Looking people in the eyes.

My trust... .

In others... .

Has not returned.

Will it... .?

Unknown.

My anxiety... .

Panic attacks... .

Loss of appetite... .

Which intensified in devaluation... .

And extended into the period after discard... .

Has subsided... .

To a large extent.

This forum... .

Helps me.

I am glad I found it.

The fact that you guys... .

Read this... .

Helps me.

Just know that.

Means a lot to me.  

Have I had any desire to contact my exUBPDgf... .

Since she left me... .?

Just once... .

When her birthday recently passed.

I supressed that urge.

Her other side.

The remembrance... .

Of that... .

Saw to that suppression.

I still fear her return.

I fear my thought processes... .

Not protecting...

Me.

My ironman suit... .

Has suffered extensive damage.

I have detected... .

The major core issue... .

My lack of self love... .

Which is supposed to... .

Keep the very pieces... .

Of my ironman suit... .

Together... .

Is still under repair.

Until I repair that... .

I remain exposed.

It affects everything else.

[Ironmanrises]

I am at 3 months NC... .

Since my exUBPDgf... .

Left me for the second time.

I am healing... .

Slowly.

My coping mechanism... .

Which used to be my artwork... .

Is still non functional.

However... .

My new found learning... .

Of the Japanese language... .

Is helping me.

At least.

Helps with my ruminations... .

They have subsided... .

Not fully... .

But at least somewhat.

Learning that language... .

Helps keep my mind focused... .

To an extent.

Where my thoughts... .

Don't spiral out of control.

Where am in healing... .

In contrast to when she left me first time... .?

First time she left me... .

My feelings were not as heavily invested... .

So I was much further along... .

And that was when she returned.

Now that I invested way more of my feelings... .

I met her 2 sons... .

Spent more time with her... .

Knew about her BPD fully... .

And the fact that she still hurt me... .

And left again... .

The healing... .

Is progressing... .

At a far slower pace.

The damage has been severe.

I have secluded myself... .

From my close friends.

Their invalidation... .

Has hurt me.

I really don't want anyone close to me.

Literally.

My self defense CIWS guns... .

Activate automatically now... .

At phantom targets.

The rain of fire... .

Of having endured... .

2 rounds of devaluation... .

Has left that mark on me.

I still have trouble... .

Looking people in the eyes.

My trust... .

In others... .

Has not returned.

Will it... .?

Unknown.

My anxiety... .

Panic attacks... .

Loss of appetite... .

Which intensified in devaluation... .

And extended into the period after discard... .

Has subsided... .

To a large extent.

This forum... .

Helps me.

I am glad I found it.

The fact that you guys... .

Read this... .

Helps me.

Just know that.

Means a lot to me.  

Have I had any desire to contact my exUBPDgf... .

Since she left me... .?

Just once... .

When her birthday recently passed.

I supressed that urge.

Her other side.

The remembrance... .

Of that... .

Saw to that suppression.

I still fear her return.

I fear my thought processes... .

Not protecting...

Me.

My ironman suit... .

Has suffered extensive damage.

I have detected... .

The major core issue... .

My lack of self love... .

Which is supposed to... .

Keep the very pieces... .

Of my ironman suit... .

Together... .

Is still under repair.

Until I repair that... .

I remain exposed.

It affects everything else.

[Learning_curve74]

A hug for you IMF... . 

Tony Stark had his heart damaged and he came back stronger. I wish the same for you and all of us.

[DragoN]

My ironman suit... .

Has suffered extensive damage.

I have detected... .

The major core issue... .

My lack of self love... .

Which is supposed to... .

Keep the very pieces... .

Of my ironman suit... .

Together... .

Is still under repair.

Until I repair that... .

I remain exposed.

It affects everything else.

Stay the course Ironman. Your friends, they care. They don't know how to help. This is an inside job.

[heartandwhole]

Ironmanfalls,

You are healing, there is no doubt about it.  And we are all witness to your recovery. 

It's a beautiful thing. 

[PhoenixRising15]

Keep fighting the good fight, brother.

Keep friends at your own comfortable distance.

And don't forget, even Tony had a few sidekicks. 

they were all extraordinary, as was he.

[allweareisallweare]

That's it - the lack of self love... .that's the ingredient why we hurt all the more... .because we're altruistic as hell, we give, give and give and this has been determined and defined and witnessed in the context of a BPD, running ourselves into the ground expecting nothing back, becoming accustomed, sacrificing ... .without loving ourselves on top of not being loved by the person whom we tried to love.

The self-love ... .the self is extremely complex ... it needs sustenance - if only we could love ourselves more than we love others? Wouldn't we be happier then... .?  No, life doesn't work like that. I know that this period of aloneness here - salvation from this forum - is necessary.

Hang in there, Ironman.

[Need2Know]

Hi Ironmanfalls,

Your posts are among the most poetic on this board and I am happy that you are smong us. Reading your posts and your replies to mine have given me some insights and helped me a lot.

Yes this forum is great. And you are contributing to its greatness.

[allweareisallweare]

Which continent are you from, Houseofswans? I am now overwhelmed with curiosity; I know Ironman is from The States... .I imagine you're from Europe, like me... .

the point is ... as you said, lifeline... .this board, we are not alone. It feels like it, but all we have to do is go to our computers, see the community here. That's the power of compassion and the internet

Hang on in there.

[DragoN]

That's it - the lack of self love... .that's the ingredient why we hurt all the more... .because we're altruistic as hell, we give, give and give and this has been determined and defined and witnessed in the context of a BPD, running ourselves into the ground expecting nothing back, becoming accustomed, sacrificing ... .without loving ourselves on top of not being loved by the person whom we tried to love.



The self-love ... .the self is extremely complex ... it needs sustenance - if only we could love ourselves more than we love others? Wouldn't we be happier then... .?  No, life doesn't work like that. I know that this period of aloneness here - salvation from this forum - is necessary.

Hang in there, Ironman.

Well said.

[wrigley52]

Ironman... .I enjoy reading your posts as I am sorry that you too are on this board you have been a big inspiration to me... .thank you and you are moving along each day each moment you heal a little... .hang in there it is not one of the most pleasant things I have ever done but with the good people of this board we will heal... .together

Wrigley52

[Ironmanrises]

Learning,

Thank you for your kind words.


Sabartha,

My friends just couldn't hear... .

Anymore of it.

At least this forum exists... .

I would have imploded... .

Without it... .

Without all you fellow Nons.

You guys understand... .

Me.

Thank you.

Heart,

I am trying.

I have my days... .

Where I still tumble.

Thank you.


Question,

Thank you brother.

This fight... .

Takes all my willpower.

Sometimes... .

I just literally... .

Want to hide behind... .

My battered armor... .

And shut out the world.

Turn down all the power... .

The lights... .

And just... .

Stay within.

But I cannot do that.

Healing... .

Is all that is left.


Allwear,

You described it quite well.

Thank you.

Your description... .

Brought tears to my eyes.

It is what I experienced... .

By all the giving... .

Of love... .

And not giving it to myself... .

And in turn... .

Not receiving it... .

From the person... .

To whom it was... .

Being given to... .

What we all have undergone.

[Ironmanrises]

Need2know,

You are far too kind.

Thank you.  

I am glad I have been able to help... .

You guys help me too.

House,

Thank you.

A lifeline you have extended out... .

Too... .

By the simple act... .

Of understanding me.

Good thing for the Internet.

Wrigley,

Thank you.

I swear... .

You guys are really kind.

It is a shame... .

We have to encounter... .

Such good people... .

Like this... .

In this fashion.

Healing... .

Is not easy.

No other choice.


Waifed,

Thank you.

My friends... .

Caused me... .

Unnecessary invalidation.

My nearly destroyed... .

Self esteem... .

Could no longer... .

Absorb that... .

With my ironman suit... .

Ravaged... .

As it is.

Hang in there too.

All of you.

Ironmanfalls... .

My tumble... .

Is a controlled free fall.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Ironmanfalls, you are healing and you are doing much better than you think.  Ive only been on these boards for about a month or so, but your posts are inspirational for me.  Remaining NC is going to help, A LOT.  Remember this, youve already been through THE WORST which was the relationship!   Youve been through the hard parts and now things will get better and better.  Youll be so much stronger at the end of this healing process.    And let me tell you the clarity and self love that we get from it is a beautiful thing.

Im 8 months NC after being discarded for my replacement after a two year relationship, and I assure you it does get easier.

Stay strong, you are almost to the finish line.

[blurry]

Yeah I agree, lot of times here Ironman kinda put my thoughts into words, only more vividly to where I didn't feel the need to post myself. One thing I'm finding out personally, time really does help, and keeping busy. Working basically 7 or 8 am till between 10 and 12 at night 5 days a week and 8 hours the other 2 days has been tiring but really keeping my mind off my pwBPD. She only consumes my mind on my one evening off.

I am noticing the pain never seems to worsen at least, it either stays the same, or lessens. Guess there is some truth to time healing all wounds.

I'm still inside the possible timeframe of her recycle patterns right now, and I think that's keeping me hanging on a little too. Once nov 10th or 20th hits, it'll be new ground for me as far as NC and separation goes. Once it goes that far, I think ill have new resolve as far as detatching goes. I know I wont break NC now, just worried about my response when/if she breaks it, which she always has.

Also, I'm 99pct sure if she does go NC much longer, it'll mean she has a new,or old, victim in her life now, and I really don't see how ill be able to take her back again if she with another guy for the third time since this insanity started basically a year ago this very weekend. I just can't keep lowering myself to tolerate a woman in my life who has no problem sleeping with a different guy every other month. Its below my standards, disorder or not.

Even if I do something so stupid as going back with her, I'm positive I can't forgive her for all she's done. I don't even know how to forgive. So she'd literally have to be perfect and she'd have to be the one walking on eggshells to make sure to not even give me the remote appearance of infidelity or lack of commitment in the future. I'm not sure its even possible.

[Ironmanrises]

Olio,

Thank you for your kind words.

8 months NC... .?

That is a long time... .

I have not even reached... .

The halfway point of that... .

In either aftermath of both rounds.

I can only imagine... .

How hard that was for you.

Blurry,

Thank you.

The keeping busy... .

Helps me too... .

When it gets busy at my job... .

As it keeps my mind focused... .

On the here and now.

So I can relate... .

But when it is slow... .

Thoughts creep back in.

In reference... .

To your timeframe cycles... .

Even if... .

It appears that your ex... .

Has moved on... .

(No attempts within timeframe)... .

Do not let that... .

Lull you into a false sense of security.

Hang in there buddy.

[Emelie Emelie]

Stay the course Ironman. Your friends, they care. They don't know how to help. This is an inside job.

I love that.  So true. 

[hopealways]

Ironman you have such a kind soul, we appreciate your posts they help us so much.  I look forward to the day (soon) when you will be healed, when all of us will be healed.  And once you are healed you will attract a woman who will be right, not someone who is a predator.  Someone who is giving, not just a taker.  Someone who understands the words compassion, honesty, and love.  Remember Ironman, you have shown strength for not going back.  

[Ironmanrises]

Hope,

Thank you. 

I understand your predator reference... .

To them.

I havent gone back to her... .

You are right... .

But i did allow her to return... .

In round 2.

And that... .

I can never... .

Allow again.

Next time would be the death of me.

Healing... .

And keeping her... .

Away from me... .

Is more preferable.

Your posts are inspirational too.

Hang in there buddy.

[hopealways]

Hope,

Thank you. 

I understand your predator reference... .

To them.

I havent gone back to her... .

You are right... .

But i did allow her to return... .

In round 2.

And that... .

I can never... .

Allow again.

Next time would be the death of me.

Healing... .

And keeping her... .

Away from me... .

Is more preferable.

Your posts are inspirational too.

Hang in there buddy.

Ironman, I would love to see you post a sketch, of how you see yourself, once healed, and happy.  I know it is hard for you, as you have written before, to sketch again, but maybe this will help... .

[Ironmanrises]

Hope... .

Thank you for your encouraging words.

If and when my artwork returns... .

I will do so.

For now... .

Images of a mangled... .

Ironman mask... .

Or a battered... .

Ironman suit... .

Are my current... .

State.

Healing... .

Nonetheless.

[bpdspell]

At 3 months No Contact you are doing more than great... .

You're doing awesome.

Your kindness, understanding, humility and vulnerability has touched everyone here on these boards.

You have exposed the under goings of your heart to many on here

And that is INVALUABLE because it inspires truth... .and where there's truth... .there's the opportunity for healing.

Healing can't be done with the head

It has to be done with the heart

Because the heart plays the most influential part in healing... .

Keep walking that path Iron man... .

Spell

[Ironmanrises]

Bpdspell,

Thank you for your kind words.

Means a lot.

My sharing on here... .

Is a two way street.

Just me reading peoples accounts... .

And vice versa... .

Helps.

Helps immensely.

Healing is all that is left.

[UnLuckyLady]

IronManFalls,

That suit you wear, the one that was meant to protect you, may be battered and nearly recognizable. Know this... .every single day that passes and you breath air into your lungs, a stitch is sewn in that suit and is slowly being repaired.  Your fate has NOT been determined by BPD.  You still own that fate.  And as distant as it may seem at this point that your suit will be whole again... .I PROMISE it will happen, it just may have a few scuffs left to remind you of this journey.  You will never be as hurt as you are at this very moment. You are growing and I can see that in your posts.  Please do not ever forget that you are going to experience and deserve, the kind of love that lets you remove that suit completely. It will no longer be meeded... .and IronMan will once again Rise.

[Ironmanrises]

Unlucky... .

What you wrote... .

Brought tears... .

To my eyes.


You are right... .

The BPD was not my fate... .

My fate... .

Was to encounter the pwBPD... .

So that somehow... .

Through... .

The rain of fire... .

I learn to finally... .

Love myself... .

As i should have... .

All my life.

Im still crying reading this.

Insightful... .

And powerful.

[hopealways]

Unlucky... .

What you wrote... .

Brought tears... .

To my eyes.


You are right... .

The BPD was not my fate... .

My fate... .

Was to encounter the pwBPD... .

So that somehow... .

Through... .

The rain of fire... .

I learn to finally... .

Love myself... .

As i should have... .

All my life.

Im still crying reading this.

Insightful... .

And powerful.

Ironman, my therapist today told me, that my mother is BPD. I suspected this for a while, but hearing her say this confirmed things, and also validated me.  Now I understand why I never loved myself, because my own mother was incapable of showing love.  Her rages, and episodes, all those nights i cried myself to sleep, after she blamed me, a child, for her rages, for her sadness, her moods.  Sometime down the line those nights have to have an answer.  And that was why my BPDx seduced me: her predatory instinct knew I was emotionally vulnerable-she sniffed it out.  But if it was not for this awful experience, I would have never healed, I would have never embraced the concept of loving myself.  I would have probably married a BPD, and had children who would be terrorized by her just like my mother terrorized me.

So there's yet a few more positives out of this situation.  At least being without the BPDx we can take comfort knowing that our future kids will not be raised by a manipulative and sick monster.  Let's not repeat the mistakes of our past.

[Ironmanrises]

Unlucky... .

What you wrote... .

Brought tears... .

To my eyes.


You are right... .

The BPD was not my fate... .

My fate... .

Was to encounter the pwBPD... .

So that somehow... .

Through... .

The rain of fire... .

I learn to finally... .

Love myself... .

As i should have... .

All my life.

Im still crying reading this.

Insightful... .

And powerful.

Ironman, my therapist today told me, that my mother is BPD. I suspected this for a while, but hearing her say this confirmed things, and also validated me.  Now I understand why I never loved myself, because my own mother was incapable of showing love.  Her rages, and episodes, all those nights i cried myself to sleep, after she blamed me, a child, for her rages, for her sadness, her moods.  Sometime down the line those nights have to have an answer.  And that was why my BPDx seduced me: her predatory instinct knew I was emotionally vulnerable-she sniffed it out.  But if it was not for this awful experience, I would have never healed, I would have never embraced the concept of loving myself.  I would have probably married a BPD, and had children who would be terrorized by her just like my mother terrorized me.

So there's yet a few more positives out of this situation.  At least being without the BPDx we can take comfort knowing that our future kids will not be raised by a manipulative and sick monster.  Let's not repeat the mistakes of our past.

Very on point.

Insightful.

Your therapist... .

Is really helping you.

In bold.

I believe my mother... .

To be BPD/NPD... .

I cant really tell which one... .

But it is one of them.

Nothing is ever good enough for her... .

And that all started in my childhood... .

Too.

And she is disabled... .Deaf.

And used that... .

As a guilt/victim... .

On me and my family.

It is where i learned... .

My care taking ways... .

And it is never enough.

My exUBPDgf... .

Sniffed this out in me as well.

Even mimicked the guilt/victim persona... .

That my mother would project... .

Onto me... .

By telling me... .

"Ironmanfalls... .You dont do enough for your mother... ."

Sadly... .

I endured such... .

Statements... .

From my mother... .

A precursor... .

Of my eventual encounter... .

My fate... .

With my exUBPDgf.

An awful experience.