Hi Elleny-93 and welcome
My goodness! No wonder you are at the end of your tether and can’t see a way forward. Coping with a BPD child is enough on its own – more than enough – but to do so when you are in constant pain is just, well far too much for any one person.

There is the dilemma though of how to move forward. As you say your BPD child has nowhere to go and I imagine if you pushed her out in these circumstances you would be extremely anxious about her – which in turn would make your symptoms worse.

There are many ways in which we feel cornered when we are on a journey with a loved BPD child. They blame us – and can’t accept our reasonable explanations; they can’t move forward themselves because they don’t have insight into their own self; they react with intense emotion even at the slightest thing – but not all people with BPD are capable of practising emotional control.

We tend to live in our rooms here to – so understand what that is like. I find it easier and I like to explore things on my computer so it does help me to put my mind on something else – which is very important. BPD can take over my physical life but I don’t let it take over my mind (any more – I used to).

It is good that you are all engaging in family therapy – but I am wondering if you could access therapy by yourself? I feel it would be helpful for you to be able to express yourself freely – which can be difficult in a family situation.

Is it possible for you to get together with DD’s father to explore options for the future? You don’t say how old your DDs are, but given that you have to factor in the disabilities you have, it would be good to work together in looking to the future.

Are there any housing support services available? I would talk to my GP about the effect the home situation is having on your health and the health of your other DD. Really spell out the constant tension you are under.

It is interesting that your relationship with DD improved when she lived separately. I think that needs to be the aim, but how to get there is the problem. It takes a lot of energy to look into ways of change – and if you are in constant pain, your energy is already used up just managing day to day.

I think I would be in my room writing down a list of people to contact and their contact details. Anyone slightly associated with housing would be on that list, because if you don’t know where to start – which I often don’t – I find that if you just start somewhere people will direct you to someone who might be able to help.

Planning does mean that you need less energy to do things. You may have already explored all options and I apologize if that is the case. The last thing you need is for me to go over lots of stuff that you have already done.

But I want to let you know you are not alone on your journey. This is a place where people understand completely what it feels like to deal with BPD on a daily basis and know what it’s like to get to that point where you feel you just can’t go on.

Hi Camp,

First, let me offer my deepest condolences for your loss. I am so sorry that you are hurting and that this whole situation is compounding that hurt and interrupting/impeding the grieving process.

A few months ago I found out that two of my former college roommates and close friends had died deaths of despair over the course of the prior six months. One had lost a long battle with alcoholism and the other took her life because she was facing legal difficulties. I was shocked, hurt, and filled with guilt and remorse when I found out about their passing. I felt the guilt and remorse because I learned about their deaths months after they had happened due to being isolated from friends and not connected to social media anymore. This was directly because of my abusive marriage. I had isolated to hide the abuse from friends. I had disconnected from social media because it made my wife insanely jealous. I should have been at those funerals, comforting their relatives, and sharing their grief.

My wife reacted badly to the news. Rather than giving me a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" and then keeping her trap shut, she then went on to put down my dead friends. She called the one friend a drunk (which is awfully rich coming from a woman who drinks every day) and said that the other one "took the coward's way out" (again, ironic coming from a woman who has locked herself in a bedroom with a 9mm and threatened to shoot herself). Less than a week later, my wife spent two hours on the phone with a friend comforting her the whole time due to the friend having broken up with a long-time boyfriend. I just could not believe that my wife could find two hours of sympathy for the break up of a friend she sees a few times a year, but could not even give her husband a hug and a "sorry for your loss."

For me, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. This is when I finally realized that I needed to give up hope of saving my marriage. My parents are elderly and although I hope that they will be with us for many years to come, the reality is that I could lose either one of them tomorrow. That loss would crush me. Having my wife not only not giving me support during that time of loss would compound that loss and would potentially mess up my ability to properly grieve. I cannot imagine what I would do if she said cruel things about my mother or father in the way she did about my friends. You used the word disgusted. I think it is a perfect word to describe how I felt with my wife after this.

Although the experience I went through with my wife's reaction to my friends' passing was awful, it let me see her clearly in a way that none of the other things that she has done to me did. In a way, I am grateful that it happened. I was finally able to see that the way forward was clear. It meant that I had to get out as soon as I could. This woman has no capacity to give me the basic things that I need from a friendship, let alone a marriage. If a spouse cannot offer condolences and comfort when we are hurting, what are we getting out of the relationship? Isn't this one of the most basic reasons why we get married in the first place? To share joy when things are good, and to hold each other up when things are bad? I realized that my joy has been muted by fear of her reacting poorly when things go well, and that while I have comforted her many times when things are bad, she has never done the same for me. This marriage has been all give and no take on my part, and all take and no give on hers. This ratio is not sustainable. I have known this in my heart of hearts for years, but was finally no longer able to ignore it.

My prayers will continue to be with you and your family as you navigate this painful and difficult time. Spend time loving your son and daughter. Share your grief with them and find solace in their hugs. Know that you are loved and deserve to be loved. Know that all of us at BPDFamily are with you in spirit and our hearts go out to you as well.

HurtAndTired

I totally get putting the foot down if there were substance abuse or violent outbursts in the mix, however, if I am reading this right, you are saying that this is not the case with your relatives.

Since this is NOT the case with your relatives, your wife has no ground to deny you and the children the right to see their family. And make no mistake, this is your right, your children's right, and your family's right to see each other. Relatives have a legal right to visitation with family. This is abusive, controlling behavior. Period. There is no justification whatsoever for this. In my experience, pwBPD isolate us from our friends and family because they are terrified that these people who love us will advise us to leave the pwBPD. This is why your wife insists on limiting the time with your parents to a few times a year, a few hours per visit, and must be present at all times. She feels a need to control the situation and to make sure that no one is calling out her bad behavior to you.

I know that you are reading the Stop Caretaking book. This book is wonderful and it has fundamentally changed the way that I interact with my dBPDw. I used to let her control me with fear, but this book has helped me take my life back. The advice from that book would tell you to do EXCATLY what you suggested in your post. Tell your wife that you and the kids WILL be going to see your family. You would love to have her come along, but understand if she decides not to participate. Then you follow through. What is she going to do to stop you? She has no legal right to do so.

Like you, I have dealt with physical abuse in my marriage. A phone call I made to the police in early September of 2023 has put a stop to my wife getting physical with me for the past year and a half. Like you, I feel like eliminating the DV has been a step forward, but know that it could come back at any moment. However, I also am committed to calling the police the instant that she ever gets physical with me again. I keep recordings of our interactions when she is dysregulated to help ensure that if/when I have to call in a mental health emergency or physical attack that she will not be able to claim that she is the victim and I am the aggressor. I would advise that you need to likewise conquer the fear that your wife is using to control you.

I say this because I am thinking worst case scenario here. What if you go through with seeing your family with the kids over her objections? Will she flip out and attack you? Maybe. Then she gets to spend the night in the clink. This will only help you if you end up seeking divorce. It lets the rest of the world see the kind of abuse that has been hidden behind the walls of your home for years. It exposes the very thing that she wants so badly to remain hidden.

Barring physical attacks, what are you afraid of? Making her mad? It sounds like things can't get a lot worse. What do you have to lose?

HurtAndTired

Campbpmbpd,
I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with all of the above comments. Due to what I’ve learnt and now understand about my dbpdw’s behaviour, I have spent the last few years trying to mentally prepare myself for what I’m going to have to go through (with bpdw) primarily when my elderly parents pass away, but also losing any other family members. I know that she will not handle this at all well. I know that she feels threatened by my love for others. I know that she will start conversations about how she wishes our relationship was what it once was and how she doesn’t feel supported or desired and all the rest of it… how she’s “not important”. It is comparable to when I woke up from my six hour breast surgery and reconstruction (for cancer) to my wife seemingly thinking I was selfish because I kept falling asleep during her visit to see me in hospital. So I know that when i am in my most vulnerable state of loss… I won’t have the strength.. to validate what i see as ridiculous.. to have patience with her jealousy of my love for others when they are so much better people than her… “disgusted” is your word that resonates with me. I don’t want to be having a massive row with my wife over the coming days and months after a difficult loss. I will try to pacify her and not share my vulnerability with her. Especially as always to try and keep the peace for our kids. These are my intentions but I don’t know if I can be strong enough to not make things worse. I lost respect for my wife a long time ago but I’m happy enough with my life now that her behaviours are somewhat under control (all work I put in not her). I really feel for you and I’m so glad you got to see your brother recently before his passing.

There was a bit of a mismatch between my original message and the title., because I meant to write more than I ended up doing.

So why is my inaction hurting everyone?

My wife has cut off our contact with my sister's family.
She'd insist she's only preventing my sister meeting our children or her, but in practice it pretty much amounts to no member from either family meeting members from the other.

My sister and her children are hurt and confused by this, and also by why do I let it happen.

My parents are hurt and confused by this as well.

I am hurting and feeling self loathing for allowing this to happen, and feel no small amount of resentment towards my wife for the situation.

In addition, my wife limits the contact between my parents and our children. She insists she needs to be present when they meet, because my parents are toxic (she's not entirely wrong, but blows it out of proportion) and she doesn't trust me to keep our children safe. She also refuses to meet them more often than very rarely, and fairly briefly.
My parents are hurt by the minimal contact, and also whenever it comes up that we spend quite a lot of time with my wife's parents. It's a huge mismatch, like we meet my parents maybe four times a year for three hours, but spend several weeks living at her parents plus have them staying at our place every few months.

This is what's bothering me the most in my life these days. It is the biggest thing to make me think of separating from my wife: me and the children would be free to build relationships with my relatives.

I've been dreaming of mending things between my wife and sister. The thing is, my wife is adamant. She won't make any concession or gesture. So any peace between them would need to be dictated by the uwbpd, and that is not only wrong, but also something my sister finds hard to stoop to.

Nonetheless, I have been planning this one last try for a while now, I've planned out how to arrange a chance for my sister to make a theatrical apology while getting her agreement in text that it will normalize things a bit. I've been chickening out of putting it in motion because I would have hard time facing it's probable failure, so I've been waiting for the perfect day which never comes.

My wife called me out on it today I've laid some groundwork but then nothing has happened. One of the things she yelled at me is that no matter if my sister apologizes, she won't let her back in her life. I don't know what now. She either backs down from this when she's calmer, or won't even remember having said it, or then she'll be livid with me for not taking her seriously when she said it.

There's probably some middle ground between going along with my wife's delusions and only meeting my relatives if she ever reverts her dislike of them, and divorcing her to be free to meet them. I just find it hard to see. Also I think that by now I must believe there's no solution because if there is one, how can I live with not having solved this already two years ago and prevented a lot of suffering from people I care about?

I understand that in principle I could just let my wife know I'll be taking the children to meet their cousins on Saturday, and she can tag along or not as she pleases.
In practice, if the roles were reversed and she were to tell me that she'll take the children to somewhere harmful (like if her relatives were substance abusers with tendency to violent outbursts) and that I have no say in the matter... That's how she sees the situation. It would not go well. 

So right now I am thinking of making this last try to mend things (it's not my job, but what can one do) and if my wife shoots it down, plan for separation after consulting people on how to divorce with minimal damage to the children.

Any perspective, reality check or advice is appreciated.

Oh I'm not trying to rekindle anything. Simply learn from what the heck just was going on. I assume these things will happen in normal relationships too, which I've never experienced.

Sometimes I could talk calmly to her and repeat back to her what happened and verify how it made her feel. She'd thank me and we'd be fine. Then of course sex, sex, sex. Other times she'd be so raged that being calm was even worse, she'd request that I show some emotion and yell or curse. Sometimes, defending myself would work if it was so obviously one sided, she'd apologize at times. Then sometimes defending myself in those same situations was hell.

Although her anger and frustration always presented the same, it was a guessing game as to how she expected me to respond. I went into everything blind. Would even tell her what worked last time blew it up this time. Wanted her to tell me what she needed, but then she'd use the ol 'you should know, and since you don't it really shows me how much you don't care about us or getting better'.

Was that in the sense of: sometimes she would be "responsive" (relax, get back to baseline, engage not rage, etc) to validation, for example, but sometimes she wouldn't be "responsive"?

(Again, this is the "Detaching/Learning" board, so this isn't about "if you had just said XYZ exactly right then that would have saved your relationship". It is about: you probably want to move on to healthy relationships in the future, so understanding the nuances and subtleties of skillfully using relational tools -- using your past relationship as one example -- will benefit you in your future relationships  )

Yeah triangulation makes things worse. I got to hear how her 'best friend' thought I was toxic and awful, and she didn't support our relationship one bit. Then you start getting defensive against those people as well. Or if their ex is still in the picture for any amount of time. Annoying to say the least.

And yes, I've had her try to pull my family into it after my birthday get together. I had to reassure her no one was treating her any differently, and she is my partner. I choose her and my family supports me as they trust me and those I choose to spend time with. And offered her many instances and kind words my family has shared. Seemed to help sometimes. And it was never a lie.

I am lucky to have very caring and trusting family and friends. I could confide in them and they never once acted different. Even knowing some of the awful things she's done, they still were very kind and loving. Because they supported me.

I think my issue was no matter what I did, it wasn't consistent. Nothing would ever work consistently. It was so confusing. I'm unsure there actually was anything that would work, all situational and how they were feeling.

I relate 100% to this. If someone else heard some of the situations I've been accused of cheating, they'd prob laugh because they were so ridiculous. Its no laughing matter though, as you know.

Roper, you mentioned having some communication with your D42's care team:


What's the scope of that communication? Do you have full permission to have them make disclosures to you? Or is it one-way only (you can tell them things, but they can't necessarily respond or tell you things)?

Would they be able to recommend a set plan for what you can do if this happens again?