Just need some support
Hello! I was in a shirt four month relationship with a woman who was amazing for the first two months. The trouble started small, she would be upset if I asked someone else for help or didn’t need her to go with me somewhere. We had a language barrier so I thought I could be that. She wanted me to live with her after two months, I thought it was too soon, but she was sweet and I got caught up thinking maybe it’s a fairtlytale and I’m pushing her away. Things seemed to get worse and insisted some space. She accused me of lying, tricking her and many other things that were not true. I felt bad for her, asked her to go to therapy she went once. At my next session, my therapist said she couldn’t ethical diagnose her after one visit, but that I should read about BPD because she may have traits. She broke up with me, three weeks later got back together. She has accused me twice of cheating when I was at work, I sent her groceries to be helpful she accused me of mocking her, one day I asked what she was doing and she said I was controlling her. She broke up with me again, calmed down and a day later broke up with me again. She is telling me I am a master of words because i try to tell her I care. She got mad because i was looking at condos instead of cooking with her and said i didn’t want to be part of her daily life…when I said I didn’t know going grocery shopping was important and I would go, she told me I was a liar and just agreeing to keep her. It sounds like a lot and it is a lot. I’m doing okay, a bit relieved it’s over, but I’m looking for people who can relate.

I recently split with my husband of almost 30 years for what I thought was emotional abuse. It's always been like living with two different people, but for a few years before the split it was only one side I ever saw. When he left, he went straight to GP and got therapy and meds, everyone told me how different and calm he was. I was bombarded with texts telling me how much he loved me and didn't realize what he was doing to me. He didn't realise he was scarring me, took accountability for everything and said he was a changed man. At this point he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
After a few months I decided I had to see for myself and give it one last shot. I'd always seen the vulnerable little boy underneath it all and thought things could change.
As soon as he got through the door he stopped his meds and twists everything so it's actually all my fault. Our adult son is no longer speaking to him because of the things he's done and said. I really want to help him, I want for this to work out cos this time is the final chance but once again it feels like I'm living with my worst enemy. Every word has contempt behind it. Also, his family back home totally, they're all manipulative, argumentative and abusive to their own partners. How do I stop this dynamic before it gets too ingrained again?

I understand - one can only deal with so much at one time. Just putting the info out there. It was a really difficult situation when BPD mother was in control of my father's health care management and later his assets so I hope the info helps others avoid it- when you are ready.

I have also been there done that several times. I would encourage you to look at this long range. Are you ready and willing to go to battle with your wife whenever there's a demand on you that isn't reasonable? Because this is not a one time situation (at least not in my experience).

Dad eventually gave up any conflict and just went to the side of appeasement. The only acceptable relationship with my mother was complete compliance. Standing up to her was so emotionally draining, and usually she'd win because she didn't err to the side of decency. But this also had an effect on my father's emotional state as well. BPD mother was emotionally and verbally abusive.

My only "defense" was to keep an emotional and physical distance from her once I was old enough to leave home, but I still wanted a relationship with my parents and visited. During a visit, being a literal doormat over the short time was the least difficult option. Eventually, I had to have some boundaries with her and by doing so, it impacted my father's relationship with me, as BPD mother controlled any relationship she felt didn't align with her.

This is why I see these situations not as a single incident but for the long run. If you want to maintain the peace with your wife, then seeing your sister is going to be difficult. We don't make these choices for you. There are posters who choose to maintain the marriage at any cost. Others who choose to try boundaries. However how well this works out varies, just like BPD is on a spectrum. Others who choose the path of dissolving the marriage. Neither one of these choices is without its challenges.

I wish we could say this is a surprise but sadly we've seen this scenario many times before.  Whether she will file for divorce right now is unknown.  But thus far it seems she has doubled down on her own line in the sand.  As mentioned above, this is a major extinction burst to coerce you into retreating from your new boundary intentions.  It won't be easy, no matter whether you retreat or stand your ground, so to speak.

"If it has been threatened, or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time."

If you haven't consulted several attorneys and chosen one to represent you, if you haven't read William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder handbook, if you haven't prepared yourself for a potential police-involved incident this weekend, if you're not prepared to record yourself going forward so you can prove you weren't aggressive or abusive... then buckle your seat belt, it is likely to get worse.  Not saying it will, but the risks are high right now.

... Been there, experienced that.

inflict more harm

You have learned the lesson that has taken many of us who have relationships with a relative with BPD many years to learn. We want so hard to treat the disordered people in our lives like we would want to be treated, yet doing so leads to more abuse of us and our children we want to protect. The first boundary we often need to protect ourselves and our children is to limit the information we provide to disordered people as it is only used to inflect more harm. How did the dinner go with your family?

I don't know. I was trying to be decent, I guess? And was stupid instead. But yeah, you are completely right.

She went to the daycare early and got our son before I could. She also told the staff we are getting a divorce, that she will be picking our son up at this earlier time from now on, and some crap about "my sister being ok with me cheating on her". (All this with our children in the stroller within earshot.)

I'm the mother of a 25 yr old trans son who has a number of diagnoses...ADHD/depression/anxiety/ASD as well as very probably BPD and a very active eating disorder. We live in a major city in Canada.

He lives at home with us. We are a longtime blended family with myself, my husband, my other son (23) and stepdaughter (21).

My husband and I are currently doing the Family Connections program, about halfway through. I'm learning a lot, my husband even more so. Even with that though, I am exhausted and burnt out, and have been for a long time. Right now my son with the issues is extremely hard to live with on all sorts of levels. I spend way too much time trying to get him help, doing paperwork to do with his disabilities etc. Right now I am working on getting him case management because I can't do this long term, I swear it is slowly killing me. And even though I do so much for him it feels like he can't stand me. I'm just especially sad and tired today. Learning a lot about how important validation is but I can't really validate him when he's not talking to me .

Anyhow I am glad to be here and looking forward to hopefully get support from people who get it.

I am still confused as to why you would tell your wife ahead of time before you have picked your son up from day care. If you do tell her before you have picked your son up, it is likely she would go get him first or do something else to keep him for gong with you, in addition to the terrible meltdown that would happen regardless whenever you decide to tell her. There is something called an extinction burst in which the first time you set a boundary, the disordered person will do everything to violate that boundary until at some point, there is sometimes less pushback on the boundary though still pushback of some kind if the person is extremely disordered. As a father, you have all the legal rights now (as long as there are no custody proceedings going on) to take your children to see your family and she cannot stop you if you carefully plan ahead. The first time you set a strong boundary with her, it is going to be hell on wheels, yet one strong boundary can lead to other strong boundaries and some kind of eventual resolution, though not likely a completely satisfactory resolution with a wife with strong BPD traits.