Seeing the switch to this "persona" is eerie. I have seen it too. While in this situation, it's with you, it isn't only with you.

Self image is important to a pwBPD, as they want to be seen in a good light. I think this is true for most people- we are more formal in the workplace and with co-workers than we are at home. We put our best foot forward in situations like job interviews. However, what we present to others is still genuine, still us.

With the pwBPD it can be so strangely different, surreal. You also know that real change isn't instant. Someone with alcohol addiction doesn't just stop like that. Someone with BPD doesn't recover like that. They can pull themselves together for short periods of time, when highly motivated by external circumstances. Internally, nothing has changed.

This feels surreal because it's not real.

The smear campaign is a part of this. That the marriage is not intact, can't be her fault. So it has to be yours.

When I began having boundaries with my BPD mother, this couldn't have been "her fault" so the smear campaign followed. Her extended family aligned with her.

In my own experience, while you can confide in a few trusted people, for me, trying to counter this with my own narrative would have only reinforced this. I would be seen as badmouthing her. Her family already believed her narrative. However, I believe that truth prevails and so kept silent with them. Eventually, they experienced her behavior for themselves.

In addition, they were supportive to her. She needed them. It was better that way. So if your wife's family, and mother are there for her, then it's a good thing. You can have your own support system too. That they believe you are some kind of ogre might feel hurtful but- that isn't something you can change anyway.

The kids will be OK. It may be a challenge going through it but because you are taking care of you, having boundaries, you can "be there" for them in a way you were not able to before. While I believe you were there for them in the best of your capacity, your stbx wife also has taken a lot of your focus. Once through this, you can have more capacity for you and them.

You will also eventually have control over your finances, and be able to make decisions for your resources. Finances may be tight for now, but without the constant spending, you will be able to build your reserves in time.

If the smear campaign involves your children, I believe they will understand in time. Your stbx will still be their mother, always. You will be able to be of support to them as they navigate this relationship as adults, and also be able to provide for your son's needs.

I wish you the best in this process.

Hi there,

It's impressive that you're executing on your plans to separate.  I understand the whole process can be destabilizing, and even seem surreal sometimes.  You've got this community for a "reality check" if you need it.

The thing that gets me about your wife's reaction is her apparent ability to "pull herself together" when she wants to, to try to get what she wants.  I've seen that with the pwBPD in my life.  I can't help but feel like the BPD behaviors--lashing out, extreme moodiness, petulance, entitlement, meltdowns, etc.--seem to some extent intentional.  It's like she has the power to decide when to reel it in, and when to let it all out.  Maybe we all decide that to some extent--when to be on our best behavior, and when to let our guards down.  But with BPD, it sometimes seems calculating, and always self-serving.  But you know from decades of experience, that this won't last long.  Without therapy, she doesn't have the stamina to keep it up, and she'll revert to her usual habits soon enough, maybe as soon as she realizes, you're serious.  She plays games, but you don't.

As for the smear campaign, I think that's her victim mentality shining through--she's always the victim and won't abandon the narrative.  Sometimes I think that the victim narrative is core to her identity, because if she's not the poor abused victim, then who is she?  She tells herself (and anyone who cares to listen) that she drinks because she's victimized.  She tells herself that you are abusive, controlling, selfish, unloving--these are in all liklihood projections of how she treats you.  I suspect you understand this, but I'm writing it so you see it for what it is and don't start to doubt yourself.

All the best to you in this next phase.

There’s been a strong push for reconciliation—prayers for our marriage, kindness, warmth, talking about repairing things, acting like everything could still be okay. At the same time, there are moments where I can feel tension building underneath, like things could flip quickly. It's been like bizarro world though.