Think about it this way.  If I say to you, "Help me lose weight," there's many ways you can respond.  And I think the only way you give an appropriate answer is to think about, "Why's he asking the question to begin with?"

When you're asked for help, your BPD is looking for understanding first and foremost.  And you should be able to give that since you know what it's like to feel frustrated or stressed.

And I get it, focusing on "feelings" doesn't actually solve the problem.  It makes them feel better in the moment.  But what if the actual problem, why they're ranting on and on about their terrible life, is the perspective they have from their feelings? 

Then you can give a great bit of help just listening and showing compassion.

It's very easy to want to fix someone else's problems by telling them everything they're doing wrong.  Even without the mental illness aspect, what we say can do more harm than good if we're not careful with our words and intentions.  And I'm not saying that you're doing that, but try to keep that in perspective anyway.  Dealing with BPD is a marathon, not a sprint.

For love to grow and succeed, it must be mutual.  If over time there is still this mismatch - even if it is only the timing - then it might be wise to Let Go and Move On with your life.

It's hard, though, to set aside the emotions you've developed.  You can encourage further development if she is willing but you can't force the relationship.

One of the benefits of therapy is that it can teach us better ways of thinking and perceiving our relationships.  One concept a therapist would encourage is developing a "wise mind".  In general - I haven't delved deep into this - it means that we review what we and others have said and done - the good as well as the bad - so that we can reinforce what we did well and decide to avoid in the future the actions and reactions that failed.

People with BPD traits often rush forward in the moment with their emotional mind, disengaging their logical mind until later.  It is wisdom to keep them balanced so the emotional perceptions-based side works with the logical reality-based side.

Ding, ding, ding!  I think you've figured out your man.

The way I see it, aside from his insecurities and jealousies, his thinking is overwhelmingly negative.  He's so caught up in feeling inferior, aggrieved and slighted that he doesn't see what's right in front of him:  he IS part of a loving family!  He has you.  He has his son.  He has your extended family.  He's so preoccupied living in the past and wallowing in his internal pity party that he can't enjoy a real family party.

On the other hand, your husband's expectations are unrealistic, as he probably envisages some sort of Hallmark movie moment where he's adored and receives abundant praise from your extended family members, instead of just enjoying the general togetherness, even if it means hearing the same old humblebrag from a brother-in-law.  Oh, and here's the other thing:  your man probably has no idea that other family members are trying to impress HIM with their stories.  He's too insecure to realize that maybe somebody else might be envious of him (he married you after all . . . ).  Instead, he feels aggrieved because the story isn't about him or something he already knows.

If your husband is upset about not going to parties, then he should host one!  It wouldn't have to be a big to do--how about an intimate one with three or four family members, friends or neighbors?  A kick-off-the-summer, informal get-together.  Make it fun, with cooling-off watermelon, a signature cocktail/mocktail, a viewing of a seasonal sporting event, whatever.  If a "dinner party" is too daunting, make it cocktails or tapas.

The thing is, pwBPD are generally all take and no give, not just in relationships, but in everyday things like daily conversations and socializing.  Your husband probably thinks the problem is with how others percieve him and treat him.  But it's all in his head, due to his negative thinking.  If he's desperate for connection, he needs to turn things around, stop being so passive and expecting people to always come to him, and start reaching out.  (A fear of "rejection" might prevent him from extending invitations, but hey, people are busy, he just needs to be persistent.)  Moreover, he can't expect always to converse about stuff he likes; he could open up a little and at least pretend to like what someone else does.  Conversation isn't only about talking, it's also about listening.  And life isn't only about doing stuff you love, but about doing stuff with the ones you love.  That includes family get-togethers.  Two people are a family.  So are three.  So are ten.  For me, a "quorum" for a "party" is three.

I know, you can't force your husband to turn around his negative thinking.  But maybe you could remind him:  My darling, you ARE part of a family, this one.  We love you.  Of course people want to see you, and you're always invited.  Yes you might have to listen to my brother's bragging again, but that's only because he's trying to impress you.  Here's an idea, let's have some family over at our place later in the month, when SS15 is around--let's invite uncle and cousin.  We could stream that new crime special together and serve up themed appetizers.  Or we could watch Formula 1.  That would be fun, right?  Etc., etc.

How did I know I was nearing the end?  I've often mentioned my marriage imploded but it was on that path, increasingly so, ever since we had a child.  It was like watching a slow motion train crash, one I couldn't stop but had to watch unfold to the end.

The first years of my marriage were wonderful but increasingly my spouse was having incidents with her friends and co-workers.  We were religious volunteers but with her full agreement we left and moved elsewhere.  She didn't leave her issues behind.  Even decade into our marriage, she still was dissatisfied.  I thought if we had a child she would find joy in a new life.  Instead she pulled away.  I look back and believe becoming a father changed her view of me and she no longer perceived me as just a husband.  (Her stepfather was her childhood nemesis.)

The increased disparagement, belittlement and threats were devastating.  In those final months I foresaw a disaster looming but I couldn't reach her.  She refused counseling.  Then one day I called the police.  With legal consequences pending, we separated.  She blamed me for it, at the court she wouldn't even look at me and when I prompted her lawyer to ask her if she was willing to reconcile, she refused.  That's when I finally Accepted our marriage was over.

Since we had a preschooler, custody and parenting issues took years to resolve.

In some ways it was a relief to have separate homes as a buffer between us but in other ways I never quite recovered from those final years of mostly verbal abuse.  There was only one path left.  It wasn't my preferred choice but it was the reality I faced and never looked back.

I have another question.  How do you prepare yourself for the next drama? Or do you?  I've tended to believe that when life has been calm (from what I am aware of) that all will be ok now. I see now that was wishful thinking. Because a meltdown comes - for example the rash that spread from his hands to most of his body.  Or meltdown over work related issues... Or relationship issues...
I don't want to live waiting for the next shoe to drop. Maybe it's just knowing it will happen at some point and being prepared to respond in a healthy way?  How were able to go from being be upset by the newest drama or meltdown to possibly protecting your heart so as not be so affected?  Is it possible to hope for that? I understand as Mom I'll always have feelings - I guess I'm wondering is it possible to have a level of detachment?  
I've been reading responses to other members questions and many are a big help to me.

I am ready to look at myself honestly. I am ready to accept my responsibility. If there is something I am missing, o truly believe it is because I cannot see it, not because I am not willing to.

My spouse is quite BPD. We have been together 15 years 3 kids.
Quiet BPD is so different for classic BPD based on the experiences I have read. That is not to say that issues were not obvious early on, just that the issues I thought I was accepting were not the ones I was actually accepting. So much is hidden with quiet BPD, but I find myself questioning how different. My level of shock about things that have been revealed in my relationship, and how sick my spouse really is, seems to be so different from everything I read. This makes it very difficult to find support or understand my experience. I am trying to make a decision about divorce, or at the very least understand how I feel and if I can move forward.

I recently read the following on this website:

“ BPD is a real mental illness and a person with this disorder will have a history of failed relationships.   However, an emotionally mature and grounded person does not get into such relationships and even if they accidentally fell into one, they would reassess their decision process and values, make changes - not get caught up in extended makeup/breakup cycles and come back time and time again.”


This is not my experience. Never have my wife an I broken up or even been close to breaking up. I believe neither of us have considered it, but quiet BPD so who knows. I don’t think she had any failed relationships, just a few standards one with standard breakups, no drama. I thought she was stable, smart, and had her life together more than I did. It actually always appeared like that to our friends and family. Is the advice for quite BPD partners the same as above or different? I feel like I knew there were problems, so I want to be honest with myself, but we just never had drama like what is suggested in the advice above. Maybe I just need to rearrange it to fit my situation? Maybe a mature person would not have put up with some of the things I did (it doesn’t have to be drama).

I guess what I’m asking is quiet BPD a different beast all together? For me and for my wife?

You really hit the nail on the head. While he doesn't say they're mean, he does complain about being ignored. People will say hi, ask him general questions about SS or about trips we have planned. Sometimes he's drawn more into the discussions, but sometimes that's it. He complains about that. He also complains how they talk about people or events he's not familiar with. He always tells me that his parents taught him you never talk about people or events that aren't familiar to other people in the conversation. (Ignoring the fact that he and his mother and his friends do that around me all the time, though I don't particularly mind it. I just listen and ask questions.) I fill him in on things, but he still complains about it. I think it's natural for people who've known each other for a long time. You just bring the new people in on the stories.

He probably is jealous of how happy I can seem around them. He's jealous that I seem to have good relationships with my nephew and nieces, but don't have much connection to SS15. Anyway, I've tried to draw him in to conversations, but it's like trying to push molasses up the hill.

But I think he's also jealous because of what I have. He's shared before that he's always wanted to be part of a loving family. It's not something he's ever had. I'm one of five kids, we're all very close to our parents and (to varying degrees) to each other. I grew up in a town with all four of my grandparents and we saw them multiple times a week. He's expressed feeling inadequate because I know all these old family stories and I know all my grandparents' birthdays. Well, I know because I grew up celebrating them. He loves crime shows and mysteries like I do, but he's also always been drawn to shows about big, loving families. I think he really, really wants to be a part of mine. But he doesn't know how.

My guess here is that your husband is plagued by insecurity and fears harsh judgment by your family.  My other guess is that he's jealous of you.  Look, when it comes to visiting with families, it's natural that family members will show interest in you and reminisce.  A pwBPD often feels excluded when attention is on you and not on him.  The mere act of you engaging in a conversation with a family member feels like "abandonment," because (i) your attention is temporarily diverted away from your husband, (ii) you are "stealing" attention and (iii) you're having a good time, "excluding" him.  Any of these issues could be triggering.  Does your husband seem to lose interest in chit-chat, drift away from conversations and then accuse you of "excluding" him?  Does he think your family is "mean" to him and "ignores" him at family gatherings?  It might be because he's misreading your happy family updates as irritating and demeaning to him.

Another phenomenon happens in family gatherings with the pwBPD in my life.  She's extremely insecure and generally unhappy, so she's totally disarmed by typical, well-meaning questions such as, "How are you?" and "How's work/school going?"  You see, a question like "How are you?" ends up reminding her of her unhappiness, in addition to pressuring her to act "fake nice."  A question like "How's work?" feels like prying and harsh judgment, because she's insecure about being unemployed or underemployed.  I can practically see her fall apart inside as she deals with her negative emotions and can't come up with natural responses to simple questions like these.  And you know what?  She's also socially awkward, as she hasn't seemed to learn to ask anyone else any questions.  She shows ZERO curiosity about other people's lives, and conversations with her just seem to peter out quickly.  She'll answer questions with one-word answers but neglects to pass the conversation ball back.

I'd say, don't rule out that your husband could be straight-up jealous of you.  Maybe when you're with family, you seem to glow and exude happiness.  You seem to light up the room with conversation.  Your husband might think, why is she not like that with me?  And his negative thinking will take over.  When visiting with family, you might try to make sure to talk with everyone and catch up, especially if you haven't seen them for a time.  When you do that, your husband could take it to mean that you're neglecting him.  That puts him in a bad mood, and he might withdraw from the conversations, which only magnifies the feeling.  Does that make any sense in your situation?

Just my two cents.

I agree. I'd stay quiet about it. No sense in making it even more awkward by saying something when it's not necessary and could even make things worse. I did note that my father's family didn't say anything about my mother when he was alive. I don't even know how much they knew, other than they felt that relationship was strained.

I think your H's anxiety is probably due to this being a higher stake relationship for him. BPD affects the closest relationships the most, and family is closer than friends/aquaintances. He wants them to like him and he knows they are important to you, making it more high stakes. I would just keep inviting him to come with you to visits. Maybe he will get more used to them being closer in time.