Hi Mom,

I think I understand your plight.  You're constantly on edge because your son has teetered on the brink so often in the past.  It's hard not to assume the worst.  As your son has gotten older, you have learned to recognize the signs when he starts to veer off course.  Maybe it's a refusal to communicate, passive-aggressiveness, a string of nasty texts or a tirade of accusations.  Maybe it's ignoring you on your birthday or Mother's Day, right after you bailed him out in a major way.  Maybe it's getting a 2 a.m. telephone call from the police or a hospital.  Or maybe he hasn't landed in the hospital lately, but even so, you feel a bit of PTSD for fear that he might end up there, because he seems not to be doing very well.  He might be talking about how he feels worthless, empty, that he just can't cope anymore, he feels despair, he hates his life.  He might alternate between hating you and hating himself, and you're not sure which is worse.  You have a maternal radar, alert to any setback or bad news that could push your son over the edge.  You know he's not very resilient, and he has a tendency to blow everything out of proportion, which means fractured relationships.  The result is that he might get fired from his job, or suddenly quit a good one over a seemingly minor incident.  He might break up with a partner, and the break-up is a mess.  His anger is lightning-fast, and he seems to boil over; his reactions seem totally out of proportion to the situation.  Worst of all, he seems never to take responsibility for his actions.  He expects YOU to get him out of his mess.  Though he resents feeling reliant on you, it's preferable to admitting that he doesn't handle things as he should.  Deep down he feels like a failure, and his way of coping is to blame others.  The sad reality is, he feels he doesn't have agency.  But he gets you to bail him out.  Once you do that, his immediate source of stress is alleviated, and maybe he'll temporarily feel a little bit better.  He will probably neglect to thank you, because he thinks you owe him.  Rather than apologize or show a little gratitude, he pretends the whole thing didn't even happen.  Does that sound about right?

Anyway, one thing you might try is to slow-walk.  Maybe you're not quite as available all the time.  Maybe you call him when it's convenient for you (say, once a week), and you just don't do texts anymore.  If he wants to talk to you or ask you to do something, he needs to call you.  If there's an emergency, he can call you too; but also know that he can call 911.  Maybe that little change could make communications feel more intentional, and you can gauge the situation better in a live conversation.  If give him a little more time and space to handle his emotions and his problems on his own, and maybe he'll surprise you.  That way, maybe you give your radar a little break.

If he's talking about suicide, then you could ask him, "Do you want me to call 911?"  If he says No, then you can feel a little relieved that he's not feeling that badly.  If he says Yes, then he'll go to the hospital and get some help he needs.

Keep the faith. Yes, 3 years is long time but I think BPD's don't have the same sense of time as we do. They can drop you in an instant but can also get back with you a long time later as though nothing happened. They live purely for the moment and how their emotions are running at that precise time. Longest break I had with my ex was 9 months but we got back together and picked right up again like we'd never broke up at all - at least that's how she saw it; I was the one who suffered for the 9 months, pretty much as you're doing now.

Don't lose your existing life while waiting for a possible reconciliation; time is the one thing we can never get back so get out there and make the most of it. I find good things happen when we least expect it.

My ex actually lives just a couple of miles from me and I wrote to her a couple of years ago. Never seen her since the day she had her worst meltdown which finally ended it for me for good.. that was 37 years ago. She now has my phone number and knows which day I'm in my local pub so if she ever wants to get in touch she has the means. Nothing back from her so far but then I'm living my life quite happily. I'd like to see her again - crazy thoughts of 'reconnecting in our old age' - which does happen but I don't depend on it and have lived a great life.

I spoke to her sister in law a few years ago and she said my ex hadn't changed one bit and had in fact now cut off from her remaining family. I think I was hoping she'd have changed as she aged but it seems not. Maybe I should have just let sleeping dogs lie after all this time.

Keep the hope, look after yourself physically and mentally and live your life, you can do no more at the moment.

This is a difficult one because most people don't travel a long distance to stay a short while. My parents- BPD mother didn't live near me but it wasn't quite that long. Still, since they drove, it took the larger part of a day to arrive. They weren't going to stay just a couple of days.

These visits were stressful as my parents didn't have much structure to them. Since Dad was retired, there was no set date for them to return home. I understand the feeling of anxiety during these visits.

Being that they were my parents, I had wanted them to stay with me. We had a guest room, in a private corner of the house, with its own bathroom. But my BPD mother liked things her own way and after a couple of days, she and my father moved to a hotel. I felt as if she thought the guest room wasn't "good enough" for her as she had a tendency to be critical of things I did for her but there wasn't anything wrong with the guest room. So, in a way, they made their own solution to staying with me- they didn't want to.

Some time later, I made a similar decision. My father had gotten ill and was in the hospital, I went to help out and stayed with my parents to help out. Staying alone in the house with BPD mother- her behavior escalated, old memories of childhood came to mind. Although I had come to help with Dad- the caretaking was for her but her behavior was irrational and out of control. After this experience, I decided to stay in a hotel when I visited so I had a "safe space".

In consideration of my BPD mother too- it's a strain on them to "mask" when around others. Having her own space to herself, she didn't feel a need to do this.

Visits were still stressful but I think it does help to have separate living spaces. Due to our own childhood experiences, we are going to be on high alert when in the presence of our BPD parent, even though we are adults now- and also even if we rationalize their behavior and they don't act out. We don't feel emotionally safe around them. We may choose to have contact but we need to also have a way to feel safe and calm down. Limiting the time and frequency of visits helped too.

Since our BPD mothers may not have sound boundaries- we have to have them. Saying no to a visit is difficult- but it may be that we have to. It may have to involve the extra expense of putting your mother up in a hotel when she visits- but if you can manage that, it's worth it to have separate spaces. Since visits are more costly this way- they may have to be less frequent- that is OK too.

What I noticed in this post was that 15years was feeling pressured.  If a pwBPD is having conflict with their own friend, it would be their own issue to deal with.

There are different reasons for the pressure. One is if the conflict is with a mutual friend or family member. How to have a relationship with this other person that the pwBPD is having conflict with, whether or not to explain, or what to do or say to maintain that relationship with the other person if at all possible.

The other person also has their own choices or feelings- what do they choose to do in this situation.

I do want her, and I hope you’re right. It’s been three years though…

The problem I found with BPD - or at least with my exBPD g/f - was that because they see everything as pure black and white, they can also see others that way too and not regard them as neutral or 'not involved'. They have to be either for her or against her, simple as that.

When my g/f was okay, she talked to my friends; when she was splitting she suddenly didn't like them anymore. This also applied to her own friends too - when she was with me she would criticise them but when I was painted black, they were suddenly her dearest friends.

A lot of people who knew jus both equally would try to step in and help when we had a breakup but all she saw was 'they're his friends and I don't like them now'.

It's all part of the BPD game. She posts to get your interest but keeps you blocked so, in her mind, it will frustrate you and make you even more determined to contact her. In true BPD fashion, she has to retain the 'power' at all times.

My exBPD would break up with me - this was before we all had home internet or mobile phones - but she would continue to come into the pub where she knew I'd be. She made sure I knew she was there but would never speak to me. This is the equivalent of getting my attention then keeping me blocked. If I wasn't in on the night she was in, she knew the bar staff would later tell me she'd been in. She knew exactly what she was doing.

As I've said before, your ex g/f will open communication channels when and if she's ready and you just have to accept these very frustrating games she's playing at the moment if you still want her.

Thank you both for your insight.

Rowdy, I’m sorry to hear about these experiences. I resonate with the idea that our exes are “fighting with themselves.” I do feel that way with my ex, that she genuinely doesn’t know who she is and what she wants.

Under the Bridge, I appreciate your feedback as well. I wish I could take a more generous view of my ex’s confusing behavior. First of all, if she were fishing for a reaction and validation, wouldn’t she have me unblocked so I had a way of contacting her? What I would like to believe is that she’s genuinely in conflict with herself. Genuinely longing for our connection, but genuinely scared, scare of closeness as she’s always been, scared of being not enough. What I would like to believe is that her longing and fear are in conflict, and that the longing will eventually outweigh the fear and tip her into direct contact, but for now all she can bring herself to do is communicate from a distance.

Does this interpretation ring true with anybody?

I was going to reply to my old thread but just wanted to share a new thread with brighter news..Well over a year ago I filed for divorce and posted here when I was afraid of what my ex was going to do.   Since then she had hired an extremely aggressive attorney and took me to court multiple times in attempts to extract huge concessions, and all of them failed.   It cost me about $15-20k in attorney fees to deal with that it probably shouldn't have.   Recently though, I learned that in the process she had run up a much bigger legal bill than I had and she had no choice but to drop her attorney and self represent.  After one final motion where she requested that I pay her legal bill and was denied, she had no choice but to settle.   She may have been scammed by her attorney, but I don't really know.   She's getting roughly what I originally offered, and spent most of it fighting with me.   Meanwhile I met someone new that does not have a PD, and I am having the best time of my life.

I am struggling with grief. I want the son I chatted with tonight. I want to see him relaxed and unburdened like he was tonight. I'm not meaning to be dramatic,  I keep my feelings locked inside. I thought if I shared my struggles that I might be freer myself and be realistic about my son's illness and my powerlessness in it.