No problem at all, that's what we are all here for.  Vent away when you need to!

100%. The BPD person has no idea what they're going to say - or do - in the next 10 seconds so how can we ever have trust? All we can ever have is hope but that's no way to live a relationship. We need commitment and trust.

When I first commented on your post I was hoping you'd write later that things were still going well; she knew she had a problem (which most BPD will never admit to) but seemed able to cope with to a degree and you were accepting of this and willing to work with her. As BPD relationships go, this sounded hopefully more positive

However, the BPD pattern will always emerge eventually, despite her best intentions. Everything she's now doing is BPD scripted; being overwhelmed, drawing back, the insecurity.. then, thinking she can change this, she finds someone new.. then her insecurity in that relationship leads her back to you. She doesn't know what or who she wants from one day to the next.  The BPD roundabout has now begun and everyone is riding it.

I can only echo what Rowdy has said - it's up to you how long you want to persevere but after only a few months it may be better to end it and put it down to experience. What you're seeing now is how things will always be - you need to decide if you want to stay part of it and could handle years of it.  I had four years of it and truly wish I'd bailed after a few months, but I kept on chasing her and suffered even more emotional damage as she never changed.

Thanks so much, Pook075.

I agree with EVERYTHING you said.

I do feel like I’ve won, but I still need to vent sometimes. I’m human, and I feel safe here.

Jazz

Thanks again, NotWendy.

I do know about different love languages, and apparently, his is about service.  But there was a time when he backed me in every way, and was always there for me, emotionally.  That’s gone. And it may have been fake — I don’t know.  But I’ll never see it again, and that’s still hard to swallow.

I do see that he’s trying.  But the years of abuse, and continuing episodes of mistreatment, make it hard to appreciate his good deeds. 

I guess I’m doing the best I can.  And I know that self-care must continue to be  my focus, going forward.

Thanks again.

Jazz

Actions speak louder than words.
I am afraid with a borderline you can not trust their words, so it’s their actions that tell you who they really are. Your gut will tell you who they are, listen to it.

What she is doing is triangulation. I’m willing to bet that she monkey branches between men and the contact with you is to keep you dangling so she has got options.

I don’t know your circumstances, but to me it seems you are fairly young with much of your life ahead of you. I’m 50, and spent most of my adult life with my wife up until 2 years ago. I had no knowledge of bpd until this year, and know that I missed many red flags. Sure I had friends and family that would tell me she is off her head, but I had no one with knowledge of the disorder telling me in depth the behaviour patterns and what to expect. You have that knowledge and wisdom in front of you.

There are women out there that aren’t dysregulated. They will stay if they love you, that won’t play games. I know it’s hard, but as I said before, 2 months spent in a relationship is no time at all, and in time you will see it for what it was. A lesson, and a valuable one.

My wife, my ex, has literally just come in from taking our dogs out on a walk. When she came in, having just backed her car on my drive to let the dogs out, she started moaning about a lady that was walking past my house with two dogs, and started telling me what she thought was going on in this ladies head, how she believed the way she was looking at her meant she thought she could read this ladies mind. She then said she had to go to work, because she got [insert clients name] coming in and she is a miserable c**t. So when she gets to work, this client that pays her wages that has been painted black will be given all the smiles and fake bullsh*t from my ex.
She left and I said to myself out loud, well I don’t miss that.

What I’m trying to say is, when you see her for who she really is by her actions and not her words, you won’t miss her any more.

Well here we are 2 months later, and I am far more confused now than I was before.

After my post I had started to become suspicious of the circumstances of her out of town trip. In the week leading to the breakup, she told me she had recieved a message from a guy she knew, asking her to attend a party out of town with her. She told me she said no and blocked him. At the time i thought nothing of it. I am now fairly certain her actual reason for leaving town wasnt to spend time with family, but instead see him. This is based on names not lining up and what followed.

A few days after my post she messaged me asking if I could meet her to give her back some of the things I had of hers as she was coming through a city near me a few hour drive for me. I accepted. We called to work out our plans, but she seemed distant on the phone. When I arrived in the city the next day, she had pushed the meeting time back 3 times, and I waited an extra 2 hours for her to show up. When she arrived, she had another man with her (the guy i believe invited her to the party, we'll call him "C"). We got to talking amd she seemed a bit off, almost dissociated. I told her I wanted to talk, but I knew she likely wasnt in the spot for it right now. She agreed by saying that she was going through a lot, but she would call me in a day or so. I told her only if she feels ready, and to take time to heal first. I then  gave her some words of affirmation. This caused her to say "You're going to make me cry, and I really dont want to cry today".

I then began returning her things. She spotted the water bottle she bought for me and asked if she could take it. I told her sure and she said "okay, ill take it for now. But I'll probably give it back to you one day, i think I will". We then exchanged a few more noce words, and I expressed ny hope to hear from her again, and maybe try again when shes in a better spot. She said "thankyou and sounds good. She then said "I'll give you a hug" and proceeded to hug me.

We both got in our vehicles to leave. The guy then rolled down his window and told me "She doesn't ever want to hear from you again, so don't bother texting her. Leave her alone". I said "F*cking pardon me?" And he said "you f*cking heard me" and she hit the gas and drove off. I was it utter disbelief. I texted her essentially saying that "im not sure if thats how you feel, but that was completely unnecessary. If you didnt want to talk, then just say so. I tired to do something nice by driving 100s of km to bring you your stuff". He replied from her phone a bunch of nasty things and telling me to lose her number and he doesnt care what njce things I did. I simply didnt respond. By the time I got home, I was blocked on social media.

1 week later she reached out to apologize. Saying it was out of pocket and that she freaked out and needed time to process what happened. I accepted her apology. She then justified it by saying she felt unsafe because i was being pushy and she just wanted to get her things and leave, and the other guy made her feel safe. She then said she regretted it and wished it didnt go that way, but we all have things to process. I said that im sorry you felt that way, but that is not what i was trying to do. Then she asks there's things you wanted to ask me? I asked about who the guy was and she proceeded to ghost me.

About a week or so later she messaged me again asking if we could talk, and if I had the capacity to hold space for her. I told her yes. She then proceeded to say "I felt like I ended things so abruptly because I was totally distracted and didnt have clarity with what was going on". I agreed that it was abrupt, but I had to go to bed and would talk to her later. She responded warmly in the morning saying "thank you " and "let's me know when youre available". I told her I would message when I got home from work, which is what I did. I was then ghosted again.

I reached out a few days later simply saying I was still available to talk of she wanted and wished her well. She responded a few days later by saying "thanks for your kind words, but I want to put everything between us in the past. Im seeing someone and wanted to embody my loyalty and respect. I hope you understand.". I simply replied with "understood, appreciate you being honest. Take care".

So I thought that was it. Then just 2 days later she messaged me asking if I could do her a favour. I asked what it was and she said "im with my ex because of my sh*t and hes drunk. He thinks your "C". I dont even know who "C" is?". (Now this is her ex before me that was abusive towards her, she even told me she had a restraining order against him). I said "I'm not even sure who "C" is, I have my suspicions. What exactly are you asking of me?".
She then said "can you pretend to be "C"?". I told her no. I would not be willing to get between her and her other relationships. She can come to me in crisis or if she wants to talk, but I will not engage in that. She then simply responded with bye.
Minutes later she called me and I did not answer. She immediately called again and I picked up. She said "can you tell "A" that we are not seeing eachother?". I told him we are not seeing eachother. He then asked "whats his last name?" She then asked me the same question (she knows my last name, so at least she was protecting my identity). He then proceeded to tell me he would find me and hung up. Im not too worried about that part as there is significant distance between me and him, and he doesnt know where I live, nor does she as she ne er came to my home.

So now one week after that, I noticed she unblocked me on facebook as her contact popped back up on messenger.
I'm not really sure what to take away from all of this. In the week leading up to the breakup she really started to seem dysregulated and manic. She had recently been put on an ssri without a mood stabilizer, and she even told me she feared it was going to cause her to go into a manic episode (as she is also bipolar and ssri without a mood stabilizer can cause mania). She however would have started a mood stabilizer somewhere around 6 weeks ago, as her doctor planned.

I dont know if a manic episode played a part in all of this? She seemed so well regulated until that final week, and now it just seems like she spiraled. She never reached out after unblocking me, which was a few weeks ago. So I'm hoping she is maybe finding some stability.

But why unblock me when she seemed to want to put everything in the past?

Was dating a girl for a few months. We clicked instantly and I got along with her better than any girl I ever have in my life. Early on she explained that she has been diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD, and BD2. She said if that made me not want to continue that she understood. I told her that I understood there could be challenges, but so long as we had honesty and respect that I would love to continue. I would not judge her based on any diagnosis, and I only judge people on their actions. She was dedicated to her DBT therapy, attending alanon, and seeing a therapist. She explained that she had a very traumatic childhood (which based on the story's she told me, it was indeed a very chaotic, abusive, and neglectful upbringing). She also explained that she had a history of picking bad men, and was trying to choose differently this time. I genuinely believed that she was trying her best to do better, and I saw first hand how hard she was trying.

The relationship felt like a dream. I told her after the first date that I really liked her, but wanted to move slow as we were both semi fresh out of long term relationships. (Hers being a highly abusive relationship with a guy we'll call "A", and me a 1.5 hear relationship that failed due to an axious/avoidant dynamic, but ended without many hard feelings. I am still friendly with this ex, but we very rarely talk.)
I am someone that attatches fast, and she agreed that it was probably a smart move for the both of us to move slow, however she did make a comment sometime later jokingly saying "you'll have to grow some balls at some point and make it official".. While some of it may be attributed to mirroring, we genuine seemed to have very similar interests, hobbies, tastes. We co-existed seamlessly, and I felt a stronger connection to her in that short time, than I did in any other relationship. She told me she had never felt so safe and secure, or been treated so well before. I even overheard a phonecall of hers where she told a friend the same thing, and was singing my praises. She said it was a new experience for her and while it was overwhelming, she said it gelt overwhelming in a good way. We never so much as had a fight. It felt like months of bliss, and she felt the same. Any time she seemed triggered, I could tell she was using her DBT skills and we would move on fine.

Now towards the last few weeks her doctor increased her SSRI dose twice, before introducing a mood stabilizer, she even feared that could cause her to go manic. And the final week, she did start to seem more dysregulated (asking me if she was delusional about things to do with her ex such as people thinking he is a good person, asking why I dont say i love you back to her, grandiose behaviour, and some generally manic sounding things). In the case of the i love you thing, she had let it slip a couple times, but apologized immediately, i always reassured her it was okay. That final time she said it, she texted me after asking if it made me uncomfortable when she said it. I told her no, and she went on to ask why i dont say it then. I explained i was developing big feelings for her, but i wasnt ready to say it ( unfortunately i actually was falling in love with ber, but i was trying to protect myself). She told me she understood and that i was kind, just that it "stuck a wound that she was still healing". However she was still incredibly loving, even saying she thought we were soul mates. We were supposed to spend the weekend together the following week, as we were semi long distance, but would travel on weekends to see eachother.

During that final week, she also seemed mlre stressed out with things at school and dealing with family trauma. She also attended in what my opinion was a very unethical therapy session with the guest staying at her airbnb who wasa "therapist". The man told her that he had never met anyone like her, and someone with her backstory should be a "nutcase". She said that it felt like she experienced what felt like the love from a parent for the first time in her life. Also stating the experice was "devine" and it felt like she was "touched by god", also saying things like "I am love" and "I am healing".
 She told me a guy she knew had invited her to a party out of town but she said no and blocked him. I paid it no mind. Then out of the blue, she decided to go on a trip out of town. I still thought nothing of it, but soon realized something was wrong. By the end of the weekend she had dumped me stating she is overwhelmed and needs to heal herself, and that we both want different things. Saying she spoke to an "elder" that said she was a "healer" but first needed to "heal herself". She told me she can't do a relationship right now due to needing to heal.     I expressed sadness, but accepted her decision.

 1 week later she asked to meet to exchange things. She showed up with another man (I think the guy that invited her to the party, we'll call him "C". I have good reason to believe its the same guy)  I drove 2 hours to bring her stuff back and one of the gifts she gave me but was unsure about taking back. It felt like a very peaceful goodbye. She did seem quite dissociated, bjt she was friendly. She even talked about giving the gift back one day. Told me I was going to make her cry by my kind words, and proceeded to give me a hug. She agreed to talk woth me later that night. As she was leaving the guy rudely told me to leave her alone. Then proceeded to text me from her phone doubling down on what he said in a fairly aggressive way. I thought that was the end of it.

1 week later she reached out to apologize for what happened. She said it was out of pocket and was freaked out over what happened and needed time to wrap her head around what happened. I accepted it, she offered to hold space for me to talk. I asked questions about the guy and she ghosted. So I left it alone.

Another 2 weeks later she reached out again asking if we could talk amd if I could hold space for her. I accepted and she told me she felt she ended things abruptly because of was totally distracted and didnt have clarity about everything going on. I offered to talk the next day as I was going to bed. and she warmly thanked me and asked me let me know when I was free. I texted her that night saying i was free and got ghosted again.
I sent a nice message a few days later basically saying that there are no hard feelings, and if she ever wants to talk that I am open to it. She did not reply.

A few days later she reached out thanking me for my kindness, but said she was seeing someone and wanted to put everything in the past. So again I merely accepted and wished her well. I thought it was truly done this time.

Well 2 days later she messaged me asking me for a favour. I asked what she wanted from me and she explained she was back with her ex "A"  "because of her PLEASE READ", and that he was drunk and thought I was "C". She then asked if I could pretend to be "C". She apologized by saying "sorry, Im a pest" I kindly told her that while I'm available if she wants to talk or is in crisis, that no, I will not be involved with her other relationships. She responded woth "bye". She then called minutes later asking me to tell him we aren't seeing eachother. She sounded frantic and I could her him drunky yelling in the background. I told him we arent seeing eachother. He then asked my last name and she asked me (she knows my last name, so at least she seemed to protect my identity), and I got threatened by him. The threat frankly doesnt concern me much for my safety based on the distance, but I do worry about her safety. I think he is the person she was talking  about seeing when she changed her mind about wanting to talk.

1 week after all of that, she unblocked me on social media for the first time since the breakup, but never said anything. Its been almost 3 weeks and neither of us have said anything. What do you all think happened here? And why did she unblock me after all of this?
I know she struggles with connecting after there has been a rupture due to feeling guilt. I saw her avoid talking to family when she wanted t, due to her feeling guilty and like she would be judged. Is her unblocking me her hoping I will reach out? Or am I just looking too far into this? Why unblock me now after all of this?

Im not sure what to do, while her actions were chaotic and hurtful, she was trying very hard to do better in life while we were dating. She never abused me or said anything nasty during the relationship, or even during this saga. She has always been kind. Any form of abuse has been involving other men, and her intermittent contact.
I saw an incredibly kind, loving, and empathetic person, that was trying so hard to do better, attending therapy, doing dbt, and seemed genuinely happy that she had finally chosen right, all for it to be thrown away.

I probably need to work on my own codependency issues, but part of me still feels attachment. And I genuinely feel like this could have been exacerbated by a manic episode (because she seemed quite dysregulated after increasing her dose), and that this is not who she is at her core.
I've thought about reaching out in case she wants to talk, but she is afraid of my reaction. I feel like it could be good closure, since I won't be in a state of ambiguity anymore, but I do fear a negative reaction.

What do you all think of this? And what should I do?

We really can't address whether her claims of DV or abuse, etc are valid or not.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to often exaggerate their perceptions and allow their self-oriented extremes to Deny, Project, Blame, Blame Shift and overall obfuscate reality.  Therefore we usually suggest others not to believe what pwBPD claim unless there is independent confirmation or documentation.  And when it comes to divorce, even family courts are reluctant to decide who is more at fault, usually they just try to minimally referee the case and ignore the mental health issues as much as possible.


This is typical Borderline projection and demanding behavior.  PwBPD typically don't handle emotional relationships well and often sabotage them.  And the closer the relationship, the more impacting it is - on us, the targets.  You are perfectly justified to avoid even attempting to reason with someone who only veers off into Blamefest World.

There's a saying around here, The custody evaluator can make or break your case in court.  How so?  It largely depends whether you can select an experienced and respected CE, especially one trusted by the court.  My lawyer warned me that my case could go against me since our court trusted our CE so much that his recommendation was almost from god.  Fortunately, ours was a child psychologist and, though quite understated, he was quite excellent.

Some here have struggled with unqualified lawyers and counselors who are either inexperienced or biased.  Some take nearly a year with sessions and compile virtual books and of course charge accordingly.  My CE's initial recommendation in 2008 was about a dozen pages yet spot on.  It took about 5 months and was charged less than $4K.

He gave us various mental health assessment questionnaires, probably one was the MMPI, and had separate interviews with and without our our child.  He was very perceptive of how we parented.  After all, the professional perspective is that the minor children get the primary attention and consideration.  The summary observed, Mother cannot share "her" child but Father can.  It also recommended Father have custody should Shared Parenting be tried but fails.  (At the time mother had temp custody and I had only alternate weekends.)

Hey Jazz,

You're probably not going to like my answer, but I do have to be honest here with my opinion.

You told him off five months ago, and he's been on his best behavior for five months now.  But he finally snapped, probably over local politics.

Then you did the absolute right series of things.  You refused to argue.  Boundary #1 nailed.  When he continued, you walked away.  Boundary #2 nailed.  And once you returned home, he retreated, went to bed, then asked a sensible question like he didn't just make an ass out of himself.  Boundaries #1 and #2 complete.

I honestly don't see the problem here.  He will lose it from time to time because he's mentally ill.  Yet for the past five months, even including the other night, he's lost it for just a few minutes.  Nobody here could expect any more of him.

If you want to divorce and move on, then that's your call.  But you have effectively changed your relationship for the better and he's trying to be a better husband.  Again, nobody here could ask for more under the circumstances.

We can't tell you what to do, but in so many aspects you've already won.  You've found your voice, stood up for yourself, and finally taken control.  He brought up things you said 5 months ago because they were so powerful and really impacted him.  In other words, you've taken away his power...he can't be abusive anymore without consequences. 

You've won.  Hopefully you can see that.

What you're feeling is a surge of emotions after taking his crap for so so long. If you can't stay with him, then divorce.  But to me, that doesn't feel inevitable anymore because you're in control.  It's something to think about anyway.