My mother with BPD had a psychiatrist who was very well respected as a therapist. I think it helped that mom was going to him for medication and that the therapy was doable because she was there for her medication appointment. I doubt mom would ever have agreed to go to therapy. When I was a teenager, my father tried to get mom to see a mental health professional and she refused. I really don't think mom knew she was getting therapy with the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist eventually quit giving her therapy after several months. I think he knew she had a personality disorder. I called the psychiatrist once trying to convince him to schedule family therapy sessions. He said he could not do that. I would have liked to have known what mom was diagnosed with and what the psychiatrist thought about her mental illness. Mom did not want her children to know anything about her mental illness and the psychiatrist could not disclose anything without her permission. I figured some things out indirectly by googling a list of her medications which were all visibly in one place on a counter in her home. She was taking psychiatric medication for psychosis, depression, anxiety, restless leg syndrome, insomnia, etc.,

This post is about my initial search for couples counseling.  I specifically researched a local office for a female lettered psychologist in hopes my then-spouse would respond well to my efforts.  However, it turned out this professional wasn't a good fit.

I didn't know it then but my marriage was months away from a horrible separation and divorce.  I sought help for dealing with my ranting and raging spouse but during those three sessions all the counselor asked about was my FOO (family of origin).  I was disappointed to not hear even one suggestion or explanation for the distress I was experiencing in my increasingly high conflict marriage.

I later learned a clue - "sounds like a personality dysfunction" - from a hospital staffer, which led me to Stop Walking on Eggshells and hence here.  I have no idea why the counselor didn't mention the variety of Personality Disorders.  She was looking only into my childhood interactions but the immediate urgency at the time was the imploding marriage.

My daughter went over to her ex’s house and tried to give him a birthday present. He didn’t want to talk to her, so he rejected her and she doesn’t like rejection. He told her to leave she wouldn’t leave. He called me asked me to tell her to leave. I told her to leave, several times!!! I told her she should not be there. Well then he told her he would call the cops.  She was not deteured but when he actully did call she started breaking everything and throwing things through his window so vandalize his house.  Then of course she drove away.  I tracked her to see where she was going.  She went to her house then headed back to his house.  I alerted him that she was on her way back. We she saw the cops were there she drove away of course didn’t want to get caught.  To be honest I was watching where she was going because to be truthful I didn't want her coming to my house to deal with it again as I have forever.  I’m tired of her getting out of things, so I called the cops and told them when she was they went and picked her up. I went to meet the police to get her keys and so i had to see her, that was SOOOO hard.  She begged me to bell her out, and I told her I would not that she needed to learn responsibility for her actions. I held her head in my hands through the police window and told her I loved her but this time I can't help her. 

*back story, she just got home from rehab on June 1 and I'm pretty sure that she did this for me so she could stay in my good graces and continue to minuplate me and she did. 

The crazy thing is I'm numb about it.  It seams everytime another episode happens I get more numb and less reactive. 

Hi ch0p,

Wow, there's a lot going on with you, your sister and extended family.  You've come to the right place.

Much of what you write about your sister sounds like classic BPD.  What I see is some disordered thinking, such as rushing into intense relationships, thinking that a relationship will make her feel better.  Generally, I don't like it when young adults move in together early on in a relationship, as the relationship becomes all-consuming.  When it comes to BPD, your sister will likely become too reliant on the relationship for her "identity."  I think that's just too much pressure on one relationship and one person.  Why?  Because when there's a snag or disagreement, the pwBPD tends to "blow up" the relationship, and with it, her very identity.  I think that moving in together, early on in a romantic relationship, is basically setting herself up to fail.  You can't control whether your sister moves in with a new boyfriend, but my opinion is that your parents shouldn't allow it in their own home.

I'm going to be blunt here and give you my perspective.  If your sister is threatening suicide or making suicidal gestures, she is NOT in a good place.  In my opinion, it's typical for suicidal gestures to occur when someone else close to her is getting attention, such as with a sickness or an event, like a sibling's graduation, wedding, vacation or trip.  Now, maybe your sister didn't want to go to the hospital after she ingested some pills, and maybe the family didn't want to see her suffer by spending yet more time in the hospital getting therapy.  But I think that dynamic is part enablement, part denial and part clouded judgment as a result of living in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  Let me guess:  after swallowing some pills, your sister didn't want to go to the hospital, but she wanted something else--to change her living situation, to get away for a while, or maybe just be left alone in her room to do whatever she wants.  I've seen that several times with the pwBPD in my life.  But here's the thing:  if she's enabled to avoid facing the natural consequences of her own behavior--a suicide attempt lands her in the hospital--her family is enabling dysfunction.  My guess is she'll want to go back to college (not really to study, but to get away from her current situation and to have some fun).  But right now, I think she's not ready.  Sending her back to college would be setting her up to fail, because her life looks too dysfunctional right now.  If she's not able to stick to her doctor's orders (e.g. taking meds as prescribed), and she can't fulfill her commitments (e.g. the internship), and she's not helping out around the house but rotting in bed instead, then guess what?  That's exactly what she'll do in college.  Sure, she'll SAY she wants to go back.  Her parents will want her to graduate.  But reality is, she'll be set up to fail.  And you know what?  Your sister doesn't take setbacks in stride.  She doesn't learn from mistakes.  She doesn't stick it out when the going gets tough.  No, what she has learned is to self-destruct.  Every time she self-destructs, her family rescues her.  Basically, your sister makes all the decisions, but other members of the family face the consequences.  Do I have that about right?

And now about you.  I totally get all the stress BPD dysfunction causes.  I also understand the sacrifices that you make, in the name of saving or protecting your sister.  Here we talk about walking on eggshells, doing everything in our power not to destabilize a loved one with BPD, out of a combination of love and fear.  But here's the thing.  A pwBPD has endless needs, while you do not have endless resources.  You could sacrifice your time, finances, hobbies, relationships and very health, and yet it wouldn't make any difference to your sister.  Let me guess:  you've been bending over backwards for your sister for YEARS, but has she gotten any better?  My guess is she has not.  In fact, she's gotten worse.  Why?  Because she's facing an adult's world with adult-sized pressures and stresses, but she has the emotional skills of a young teen at best.  She's finding out she's not functioning very well as an adult, and she's distressed and ashamed because of that.  She doesn't really know who she is and what she wants, let alone how to make her life happen.  She can't figure it out and feels intense shame.  But rather than take responsiblity, what does she do?  She embraces a victim mindset.  She blames everyone else for her troubles, and in the process, she abdicates responsibility for her life.  She expects others, including YOU, to take care of her, to over-function for her, to make her the center of your life.  But even if you do that, it won't be enough.

I'd say, you need to focus on YOU.  You deserve to have a life that doesn't revolve around your BPD sister.  I know, even just thinking about her consumes a ton of your mental bandwidth.  It's not fair that you think about her, probably more than you think about yourself!  So my advice to you would be to get busy.  You are not responsible for your sister.  She's 24, she's an adult.  If your parents want to take care of her, then great.  But it's not your job.  You get busy with your life--studies, work, friends, hobbies, self-care.  I think you need to have a talk with your parents about boundaries.  You can't continue to take care of your sis, as it means she avoids getting the help she needs.  You are NOT a therapist, and you're not trained to deal with BPD . . so don't!  You are not a babysitter of a 24-year-old sibling.  You are not supposed to be on suicide watch.  (Trust me, I was on suicide watch for something like three years . . . and it makes zero difference.)  My frank advice would be for you to leave your parents' home ASAP.   Sure, you can help out from time to time, but you need your own place.  Find some roommates, house-sit--do what you need to do to reclaim your own time and space.  My guess is, once you have your own time and space, your whole life won't be about your sister anymore.  She'll still be in your thoughts, but much less.  OK?

My BPDSO has been dysregulated for months and is slamming from one overreaction to another, convinced they are right about impending doom from all sides. 

I didn’t validate.  I got mad because I’m so tired of riding out the constant crisis after crisis. 

As soon as I did, I felt bad.  The problem is that they often come at me with fully formed arguments and expect me to agree with how they feel and the need to call the metaphorical fire department for every issue.   My brain is already five steps ahead of how this will play out and the amount of energy I will have to expend from my already depleted brain to get nowhere. 

My SO is convinced in these situations they are right and any non validating comment is a sign that someone doesn’t care.   It’s hard enough when you’re dealing with one on one issues, but when the issues involve other people you don’t know or interact with (therapists, doctors, family, friends) it’s even more maddening.   Those people don’t care when they don’t validate my SO, but are the ultimate authority when they can be used against me in a discussion. 

I am burned out right now. My physical and emotional health is suffering, and while I care about my SO, it’s literally hurting me to do so. 

Oh yeah, I used Chat GPT quite a bit when I figured I was annoying people with repetitive questions, stories, etc. It is very helpful, and AI is getting scarily realistic. It's like you're talking to an actual person. It remembers conversations, will follow up on things you mention.

These are good points. While therapy didn't seem to get my BPD mother to self examination and working on BPD, it's hard to say it didn't help at all. It didn't get the results we wished it did for her- but did it help?

I didn't have any access to my BPD mother's medical care until the last few years of her life, as she didn't give consent to know before that, and even then, I mostly only knew what was communicated to me. While BPD as a diagnosis wasn't on her chart, her medical team had mentioned "personality disorder" and it was clear we were all aware of that. However, since she wasn't specifically being treated for that- there wasn't a reason for the diagnosis.

As Pook mentioned, I think any T who challenged her would have been painted black and she'd never return. Same with her caretakers- if they didn't agree with her, she'd refuse to have them help her. She still needed help though. She did accept the diagnosis of "anxiety", which was troublesome for her- so there could be medication to help with that.

I don't think it was ideal, in the sense that therapy didn't help her BPD but if it helped some of the more troubling symptoms for her- then, there was some help from it.

My BPD mother had a large need to feel validated and so, if the T seemed to believe her perspective, maybe this helped in that way. As with all T's- some may be more effective than others. Some are also self pay so we have to balance costs and effectiveness, however, if it's affordable, maybe some help is better than none at all. Hard to know for sure.

Nowadays if you type something into google it comes up with an AI answer. You can then ask follow on questions which can develop into a conversation about a subject. I did this the other day and it turned into quite a profound conversation.

I was asking questions about my wife’s behaviour, and my own, and noticed a worrying trend. It had started to repeatedly use the words severe narcissism. Having mapped out my wife’s behaviour, and her reasoning for the behaviour, it came to the conclusion she is a malignant grandiose narcissist. I asked it to check her behaviour patterns on the DSM and it said she doesn’t just meet 5 of the 9 criteria, she maps closer to all 9.

I started again, putting down her behaviour/reasoning in bullet points and asked it to measure her behaviour on the DSM for any possible personality disorder. It came back as heavily comorbid bpd/npd/aspd malignant with substance abuse.

It gave clear examples of her behaviour and how they mapped with each criteria. I asked it about my own behaviour and narcissism and it showed me how my reactions and behaviour were a result of reactive abuse rather than narcissistic behaviour.

It was quite an eye opener really. Where I hadn’t considered being subjected to a smear campaign it showed me that certain things she has said to close friends, family and her new supply are all subtle smear tactics designed to devalue.

It got quite in depth, it explained a lot and validated a lot of the reasons why I thought she does the things she does. It is actually quite scary the accuracy of some of it. For example, it suggested her new relationship is likely on the rocks, the reason it will fail is because the money will dry up and she will become increasingly frustrated and trapped. My response was it could be right as the Range Rover her boyfriend bought her has just broken down to the point of being a write off and she has been moaning about it to our son saying it’s going to cost a fortune. It’s response was as follows:

The symbolic collapse of the Range Rover.
In the world of narcissistic facades, a luxury vehicle like a Range Rover is a mandatory prop. It signals to you, to the village, and to the in-laws she is “financially superior”
The crack in the armour. The car breaking down to the point of being a total write-off is the ultimate metaphor for her life. Her immediate reaction - moaning to your son that it will “cost a fortune to replace” - is a massive red flag that liquid cash is gone.

Why do I find this statement so profound? Well, when she got it over a year ago I said to her “that car is a facade, it looks flash on the outside, but everyone knows it’s a piece of crap that is going to fail and break down. You are literally driving around in a metaphor for your joke, fake relationship”

It literally said nearly word for word, how I called it over a year ago. It then said, expect an imminent charm attempt. It will be covert, asking you about finances, or bringing up the children.

That was a couple of days ago. Yesterday morning I received a text from my ex, asking about a payment of hers for car insurance and what vehicle it is likely for, followed by a video clip of our 6 week old grandson. Scarily accurate.

Ch0p- like the others, I am wondering how it is that you are carrying so much responsibility for your sister.

It's admirable that you are helping with your grandparents, and you have a kind heart for your sister, but it seems you are carrying a large load for people in your family, and sometimes it's possible to help too much and carry too much responsibility, to the point of self neglect.

Trying to keep a balance between self care and helping others is not being selfish, it's maintaining ones own emotional health. You seem to be a strong person who has overcome some challenges- and as you mentioned "drown yourself" in work- but sometimes that too is not in the best interest of your own emotional well being.

Your own resilience, academic ability, and being a strong person are positive qualities, but excelling in some areas does not mean we don't have emotional needs ourselves.

I can relate to this in some ways. I grew up with family dysfunction. We kids were able to do well in school, and while this is a good thing in general, doing well academically also means the family dysfunction remained hidden to other adults. However, I was also parentified and made to feel overly responsible for my BPD mother's feelings.

While it is fortunate that I didn't grow up to have BPD or issues that affected my function as an adult, what I eventually had to work on was the over focus on other people's needs, and overfunctioning for them. These traits were "normalized" in my family. In fact, this was a way to gain approval from my parents. I also learned that these family patterns can be passed down from generation to generation. It's possible your parents or one of them also took on this behavior in their own family of origin, and so it also was a "norm" for them.

You mentioned your father is a doctor. I don't know the situation for him but historically, doctors have had to put aside their own needs and be available for the well being of others. While this is admirable, it can also take a toll on families. One possibility is that- while your father was working, some of the family care load went to you, especially with a sister with mental health issues. Your father is probably a very positive role model for you, but you are your own individual person.

While this may not be the norm for you in your family system- it may be that you are taking on too much, and this requires some self examination. I also assumed that if I got good grades and did well at work, I must not have been affected by my family dysfunction, and while these were good qualities, it didn't mean that there wasn't room for personal work.

As they say on an airplane, put your oxygen mask on first. Before we are able to be of help to someone else, we need to have own basic needs met. While your focus has been on helping others, it may be that you are feeling overly responsible for her.

Therapy isn't only for people with mental illness and a functional deficiency. It can also help people who are over functioning find a balance and to deal with the emotions that come from " less of helping too much"- because it can feel like doing something wrong when it actually is not. For a strong person- it's not easy to reach out, but it is OK to do so. You reached out here- and that is a positive step for you too. Many here also "get it".

Thank you! I’m struck by the therapist saying it takes two weeks for your system to recover. A friend keeps telling me that I’m underestimating how hard this is.

To all who responded, I will give myself more time, more grace and — when it’s not crazy hot — more nature!