I guess, in essence, you decline to be your mom's emotional caretaker.  Emotional caretaking is a common form of parentification, when children are expected to provide emotional support for parents instead of receiving care.  I think it shouldn't matter that you're grown up now; the expectation remains that you're the caretaker, when you shouldn't be.

One therapist I know advised a parentified kid to try saying this:  "It's not my job to make a parent feel better, silly.  That's your job."  Now, I don't think you need to say this aloud.  But maybe if you say it to yourself, you might not feel as conflicted.  The therapist is right, it is NOT your job to manage your parent's emotions.  Only your parent can do that.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be nice to your mom, compliment her or act upbeat when you see her.  I just don't think you need to go way out of your way to research education opportunities she didn't ask you for, or say ingenuine things just to artificially prop her up or appease your dad.  I would try to be more genuine and notice real things to praise, such as, "You're so kind for hosting, the decorations look lovely, you always make the house look festive, what's that wonderful smell?"

I guess my take on this is, if an adult wanted to study something, she'd find a way herself.  Seniors in high school are expected to figure out how to apply for colleges and financial aid.  Thus a full-grown adult should be able to do this on her own.  I don't think you should be compelled to do it if you don't want to.  If your father or other siblings wanted to do some research and propose a program, fine, they can do that.  I think you sit back and see how things play out.  Fair enough?

I guess all I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't feel so guilty or selfish.  I bet you've been an appeaser for a long time, and so that's your (and everyone else's) expectation.  It's OK to say NO sometimes, even if it's just a silent NO.  You don't want to be ingenuine or coerced into doing something you don't feel is appropriate, and my sense is that it won't make any difference whatsoever.  I'd say, just try to be as nice as you would be to anyone else.  That includes being kind to yourself, by the way.  That could put you on a pathway towards healing.

Hi Me88,
I get you. My wife left a year ago without saying why. I didn't know about BPD. I suspected ADD. After her departure, I desperately searched for answers. Tried to get them from her but didn't get them. Then BPD came into the picture (she wholeheartedly denied it out of the blue). I started to delve into BPD and the pennies started to drop. I understand, I think, what she is going through. But I can't help her. She is in denial. Blames me. Twist the facts. Rewrites history.
I am now (after a year) that I realize that I can't do it anymore. It feels like I've been living for 2. All accusations attracted me and keep apologizing and keeping the atmosphere good. I can't and don't want to do it anymore. I don't want her anymore (I think?). I go from anger to sadness to acceptance and everything in between.
I now also see what my part is. I have sold myself short by settling over and over again. To take the blame, to adjust. Again and again (unconsciously) avoiding things to keep the peace.
But not anymore.
My wife wants to leave. And now I'm ready and done with it. I don't want to anymore. I want a life back. I want someone who is there for me. But first I can be there for myself (and the children, she has left everything and everyone behind except the dog). And sometimes I feel like it.
We don't end up with these types for nothing. I'm examining myself. A lot of mirroring. Why do I do and accept what I do? I joined a CODA group. I am getting stronger and stronger. I'm processing a lot of old pain. Not easy but necessary. And yet I often get into suspense. We have to expire our house. I have to buy a new house for me and the children in an overstrained market. We have to do this together, but I can't bear her anymore. I have just spoken: I love her but I hate her behavior. And that's it. I am no longer willing to adapt.
Take a good look at yourself. What do you want? Why do you do what you do? Why do you adapt? Why do you soothe? Why are you not allowed there? Challenge your own beliefs. You are a beautiful person, but you give yourself away to others. Those others give you what you know, but that is not necessarily what is good.
CODA and a lot of research and a lot of talking (with people who understand you, there is a lot of reverse gaslighting) helps me a lot. And look critically at myself. I am genuinely surprised at myself that I have allowed all this for 26 years.
But not anymore. I stand up and choose people now who also want to be there for me.

Translated from English with deepl

Hi there,

Grieving and venting are common themes on this site.  I'm sorry about the troubles plaguing your son and your strained relationship with him.  I have an adult stepdaughter with BPD, and she has gotten treatment and turned her life around, but her dad and I still grieve sometimes.

I guess I have some ideas for you.  First and foremost, know that this isn't your fault.  Though your son might hurl accusations your way and say the meanest things, it's not your fault.  Alas, it still hurts.  Maybe you take a step back and marvel at how creative and intelligent he is.  Sometimes that's when grief bubbles up to the surface--when you lament the fact that he just can't seem to harness his energy and intelligence in positive ways.  You worry that he won't reach his potential, and you mourn not having a normal, loving relationship with him.  I don't know if this will help, but when my BPD stepdaughter was at her worst, her dad and I began talking in terms of having a special needs kid at the moment.  Somehow that helped recalibrate some of our expectations for her, and relieved some of the pressure of unmet expectations.  Having a "special needs" kid seemed both true and more relatable, for example in the workplace when we had to take a day off here or there to deal with emergencies.

Secondly, you need to take exquisite care of yourself, so that you're centered, calm and thinking straight if your son comes back to you.  Moreover, you owe it to your other kids to be your best self.  In fact, I think you should be modeling for all your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes taking care of yourself, enjoying hobbies and spending time with friends.  In addition, you need to pay attention to your other children, too.  I know, it's hard because the disordered son sucks up so much emotional and financial energy and resources.  But your other kids could start to resent you for that.  I'd say, if the disordered son is elsewhere, that's a perfect time to shower your other kids with attention.

Thirdly, I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD.  PwBPD believe that others cause all their problems, because it's too painful to process complicated emotions and take responsibility for any wrongdoing.  The problem with blaming others all the time is, they end up feeling they have no agency--they are rendered powerless.  For as long as the pwBPD is within your orbit, he's going to blame you for everything.  He's convinced you have to atone and change, not him.  In my experience, pwBPD need to experience the "real world" to start learning "real world" consequences and lessons, like if you treat other people poorly, they won't tolerate it.  If you're not around to be blamed for everything, maybe he'll finally hit bottom, look inward and decide to get some help.  Sadly, that's what it took for the pwBPD in my life to get some help.  Because whenever she lived with her dad and me, she blamed US for her problems.  And for as long as you intervene and prevent your son from experiencing the natural consequences of his behavior, in the name of keeping him stable and alive, you're preventing him from learning about real life.  Unfortunately, I think pwBPD are slow learners, because volatile emotions get in the way of thinking straight and problem-solving.

Right now, my husband is grieving for his adult BPD daughter.  He has gone above and beyond to help her over the years, with countless therapies, extra tuition for college (she dropped out several times), lost rent (she was evicted or abandoned various apartments that couldn't be sublet), seemingly unending logistical support (e.g. moving her in and out of various living situations), co-signing, debt payments, the works.  She has lived with us, on and off, for several years, and she's generally not an agreeable roommate, nor does she contribute in any meaningful way.  Despite all the help, she remains disagreeable and passive-aggressive.  Though she's making some headway in working some jobs, she's not really supporting herself yet.  She seems to reach out only when she needs help, leading to a purely "transactional" relationship with her.  When she gets help, she still seems entitled/petulant/very angry, and she'll quickly cut her dad off for the most part.  Though she's made a ton of progress, we're grieving that she still seems so ANGRY.  Yesterday, in an unusual moment of sharing, my husband said he was sad that his daughter continues to be so MEAN.  I learned that her brother has tried to text her, possibly to wish her happy holidays, and that she continues to block him.  My husband is grieving because he thinks his daughter will never be able to maintain a loving relationship with anyone, because she's still prone to meaness/*itchiness.  I'm sure she cuts people out of her life, thinking she's protecting herself, but what she's feeling in return is total alienation.  It's very sad indeed.  I think the chances of her visiting for the holidays are close to zero.  Maybe she'll send a Merry Christmas text, but I'm not getting my hopes up.  If she does that, I'll take it as progress.

I agree and this is a good point to make. I didn't have a thick skin when it came to my parents. I've done better with that over time but I think a completely thick skin with a parent is hard to achieve. It was for me.

It was also relatively early in my learning about BPD and family dynamics. I was still emotionally reactive and feeling the fear and obligation than I am now. After being raised in a family where being an emotional caretaker was normalized, expected, and a contingency for parental approval isn't something undone quickly. It's taken time.

So, another point- know what you are dealing with and also know yourself and how much of a reaction you can manage. On the other hand, it was a learning experience and prompted me to do more emotional work.

Thank you all for your views and perspectives.  They all make perfect sense and truly help me to process all that occurred and to be patient (something my mother would have told me I’m sure ). Wishing you all a safe and happy holiday.

It's been over a year now that I left. As you all remembered from my endless posting I was a wreck. Defeated, no confidence, depressed as hell, in therapy. I've come such a long way but I'm not good yet and I don't like that. I can overcome anything, and have in life but this was different. From what everyone posts, these relationships really ARE different. My brain tells me I should date around but my heart isn't there yet, not even close. I still ruminate quite a bit, I still get angry, anxious, upset that that person couldn't just have a semblance of normalcy. I get mad thinking they're out there just dating around or in a LTR and I'm still here floating. I hate everyone asking me or telling me I need to date and that I have so much to offer. Sure, I meet that whole stupid 6ft, 6 figures, 6 pack ab BS people tend to say they want these days, and even then I just don't feel 'worthy'. And it's seemingly impossible to find a traditional/modest younger woman these days as well. Possible, but obviously hard. I wasted so many years with traumatized/sick women and I know it's my fault for staying and picking these people and I just feel done. Just seems smarter to make money, stay in shape and do whatever I want but I'll admit I do get lonely and those things always feel better with someone you love.

I guess this is more of a rant/vent since I just don't feel right about life lately. I imagined a wife and kids by now. I guess a question for you all, have any of you taken a year off or even more where you didn't go on a single date, talk to a single person or entertain anything at all? Is this 'normal'?

In my younger years I was  a religious volunteer in Brooklyn NYC for nearly two dozen years.  It was the best time of my life, rubbing shoulders with such wonderful giving people, all in sight of the incomparable Brooklyn Bridge.  For most of that time I was handling matters for a couple hotels and assorted smaller buildings.  At first you might think, what does that have to do with my family dysfunction?  Well, I learned a lesson about discerning when not to let others dump their problems into your lap.

What was that Kenny Rogers song, The Gambler? ... "You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run."

She may be afraid of rejection but to not marry her when she wants to be married is a reality for her. However, it's not a wise decision to marry someone when you don't want to be married or married to them. That would be a recipe for long term unhappiness too.

This is an ongoing conflict between the two of you. Its an unresolvable conflict because whoever compromises is going to be unhappy and feel resentful.

You know you don't want to marry her which then this leads to the question- why are you still in this relationship? This isn't a run message, it's a why.

What happens when you tell your dad exactly what you just told me in the bolded part?

That's a clear boundary and a good one.  I only mentioned encouraging school for mom since you'd see her for the holidays and dad was pressuring.  Otherwise, I agree with your stance...you're 500 miles away and you do not want to be in the middle of things.

Dad (and others) might paint you in a certain way but you know what, who cares!?!  Live your life and let them live theirs.  If I learned anything from BPD relatives, it's to have thick skin.

Everything your son says is 100% true in the moment.  But because it's "feeling based" instead of factual, what's true right now may not be true in ten minutes.

For example, if a baby has a problem, it cries.  And we're like, what's going on?  Diaper?  Nope.  Need to burp?  Nope.  Carry him around/rock him?  Nope.  Then suddenly, the baby stops crying.  Phew.  But we walk out of the room and the baby is screaming again!

Just like the baby, your son lives his emotions for you to see.  If he says, "I hate you," he's being honest...he hates you that very moment.  Yet three minutes later, he asks if you want to go get a milkshake together.  It make no logical sense, but he's doing the exact same thing the baby did in the example.  If he's upset, he can say terrible things...and then it passes and everything he just said doesn't matter anymore.

It would be great if we had some context (and apologies) between those episodes, but that's probably too much to expect most of the time.  Just know that the outrageous things are true in the moment and rarely true forever.