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Hi Trying,
I know it's really tough. I have an adult stepdaughter with BPD, and at 20, she was basically an emotional terrorist in the home. She went "nuclear" with suicide threats. She wouldn't eat with the family or help out one bit. Her room and person were a mess, a reflection of her mental state. She'd stay up all night and sleep until after noon. She'd blame her family for all her problems. Though she could pull herself together to do things she wanted, like go on spring break, at home she was passive-aggressive and extremely moody. The irony was, it's wasn't spring break because she wasn't even enrolled in school. She was NEETT--not in education, employment, training or therapy. I think she was NEETT for far too long, to her own detriment and to that of her entire family. If person isn't studying, working, volunteering or doing anything but watching screens all night, what are they? They're doing nothing, which very quickly feels like becoming nothing.
If your daughter manages to pull herself together enough to attend school and keep some friendships intact, then I'd say, that's a sign she's high functioning. But the stress of it all is probably wearing her down, and when she's with you, she shows it. My concern is that she's being violent. Look, just because she has BPD doesn't give her a free pass to be violent. That includes violence against you, your family and herself. No violence should be a firm boundary in my opinion. If your daughter is violent, I think you call the police, every time. Now, pwBPD do NOT like boundaries. It's likely that your daughter would up the ante with her behaviors, becoming meaner and more violent. Because she has a victim attitude and uses projection, she would probably claim that YOU were violent, and that YOU started it. (My stepdaughter did that, saying that family members "assaulted" her when she was violent.) This is called an "extintion burst." But if you are firm and call the cops every single time she's violent, she should learn that violence isn't tolerated in your home.
I think you are spot on in your analysis of your daughter's maturity. It helped me to think of my adult BPD stepdaughter in terms of intellectual/chronological vs. emotional age. At 20, she was bumping up against a complex adult's world with the emotional skills of a young teen. She simply wasn't equipped to handle the academic pressure, social dynamics and expectations of autonomy of young adulthood. Her emotional brain was still at the level of a young teenager, ruled by self-centeredness, impulsivity, desire for instant gratification, intolerance of discomfort, difficulties handling setbacks, a quick temper, lack of empathy. She also lacked perspective and had a very naive, childish understanding of how the world works. Worst of all, she didn't really know who she was or where she fit in. I think she was terrified about the future and completely shut down in avoidance. Yet thinking in terms of emotional immaturity gave me some hope. My stepdaughter needed some extra time to mature, as well as therapeutic support to learn some better coping skills. I think that's why DBT therapy can help people with BPD, provided that they commit to the process.
If your daughter is calling you useless, mean and stupid, when you are clearly not any of those things, that is code for what she thinks about herself. She is so ashamed and preoccupied with feeling inferior that it colors everything she sees. She interprets the world through that distorted lens. Based on what you wrote, I'd say she's projecting her insecurities onto you, which is a common BPD behavior. I'd say she's extremely insecure, and she needs tons of reassurances from you. My guess is that she's finding college extremely challenging with a full course load and much less support than what she was used to as a younger school girl. One thing she might try is a reduced course load, until she gets a better handle of it.
I'll wrap up by saying that it sounds to me like you are over-functioning for your daughter. I know, you want to reduce the stress in her life, in the name of keeping her stable. But if you protect her too much, she'll never feel the natural consequences of her behavior, and she won't learn. I'd say, she's the one responsible for her mittens, and all her clothes in fact. If she can't find her mittens, then she'll have cold hands for the day, which is the natural consequence. If she's late to class, she bears the consequence, not you. If she doesn't face any consequences, she'll never learn. And if you treat her like an 8-year-old girl, she's going to act like one, and slowly she starts to feel like one, too. If she wants food, she needs to come to the kitchen like everyone else. It's not your job to provide her room service. You don't have to tell her your plans, just stop acting like her personal maid/short-order cook/butler/chauffeur and start treating her like an adult. Adults have responsibilities, too. In my opinion, she needs to help out in the home, and when she starts helping out, she'll start to feel more competent and part of the family. Just because she has BPD doesn't give her the right to be a demanding freeloader, correct? But if you start to make these changes, my advice would be to proceed in baby steps, with one change at a time.
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