"So yes, absolutely don’t jump into a relationship, I know that.
And that is why I took well over a year before stepping into this relationship, and I feel I have been mentally ready for it.
However, after 9 months together I have fallen quite hard for my new girlfriend. We both have. And I guess it is that new intensity in the relationship, and the feeling that I really don’t want to lose her, is what has let a little bit of the fear of abandonment creep in. I just wondered if this is quite common for people in our situation."

I'd say it is normal for anyone really. Falling in love with someone, truly, feels great. I love being in love, when reciprocated. You have to remember you went through something most people cannot comprehend. These relationships are NOT normal. You never knew what to expect and at times BPD relationships are 'normal'. I know for me, when I'm ready I'm going to be very scared, and wonder if I'm repeating a pattern. You just have to make sure you don't start caretaking or being a rescuer too often. Lots of us have that personality. After such betrayal from our exes, it's probably expected to fear it all might crash down, then again feel guilt or wonder if it's all us.

Oh definitely. Within months of breaking up with my wife, because she had jumped straight into a relationship she kept on at me to go on a dating site. She even tried convincing me to destroy someone’s marriage, all manipulation to make her feel better for what she was doing.

So, 3 months after the split I joined a dating site. The most attractive woman I saw on there actually contacted me, and we arranged to go on a date. My ex knew about it, and that day asked me if she was prettier than her, if she was slimmer than her. That night, I was driving back home from the date, and I had missed calls and texts from my ex. She had asked our son to go and pick her up, she was drunk, so she could sit with our dogs while I was out for the night. When I arrived home gone midnight, she was in my kitchen having a screaming row with our son. She then turned on me, punching me repeatedly, dragging her nails down my face, and tried to strangle me. I could have knocked her out, but just took it until my son came over, because this was going on in front of him, and he picked her up and carried her away.

What carried on was 3hrs of mental torture and abuse. My wife’s sister and our eldest son came round because our son that was there called them. She calmed down a little, but decided to go upstairs and get in my bed. I sat downstairs talking with our son for half hour or so, then went upstairs and got in bed in the spare room. My ex then came into the room and sat on the bed, and started carrying on as if she was having a panic attack, but I just tried ignoring it. Because I ignored her she then put me through the worst mental torment I have ever experienced in my life and absolutely broke me. I was a wreck. I never want to experience anything like that in my life ever again. Our son witnessed this too and it made him extremely distressed.

I got out of bed and left my house, went to sleep on my sons couch up the road. She continued to message me through the morning, hinting at suicide if I didn’t go back and talk to her.
I was an emotional mess, she manipulated me into sleeping with her.

So yes, absolutely don’t jump into a relationship, I know that.
And that is why I took well over a year before stepping into this relationship, and I feel I have been mentally ready for it.
However, after 9 months together I have fallen quite hard for my new girlfriend. We both have. And I guess it is that new intensity in the relationship, and the feeling that I really don’t want to lose her, is what has let a little bit of the fear of abandonment creep in. I just wondered if this is quite common for people in our situation.

Many thanks for your replies happychappy and zachira. I don't know what would be right for me at the moment. I keep it all Inmind.

that's the kicker, when you're in it and things go south, it's a shock initially. Did that really just happen? It's new, hopefully it's a one-off. Then things start snowballing and it becomes the normal. You don't share initially, but at some point you start asking trusted sources if these things are common. And everyone's reaction is the same 'what the hell are you talking about? that's crazy, how do you deal with that?'. You don't see how bad it is due to the push/pull. Wonderful memories like you mentioned above but then complete and total illogical chaos. Riding a rollercoaster with no harness.

That your H went home sounds familiar to me. It's good that you were able to see the grandbaby.

It's also good that your son is realizing his situation but tread lightly with him on this. My father would flip back and forth on this. Coexisting with my BPD mother, he had to compartmentalize this, and use his denial.

So he at times appeared to "wake up" and acknowlege the issue. If I affirmed it- and agreed with him, he'd later turn on me and align with her again.

Karpman triangle dynamics are strong. There are bonds in relationships like your son and DIL that are hard to understand from the outside. I didn't fully understand why my father tolerated it either but he was as much a part of the dynamics as she was.

If someone was perceived as a threat to their relationship, they'd bond together against that perceived threat- BPD mother in victim position, Dad as rescuer. It was a strong bond.

Close family members to the partner are potential threats to the pwBPD because there are emotional ties between the parner and their family. If the family members are "on to her" the person with BPD- that feels like a threat to the pwBPD's self image and also the relationship. It seems inconceivable that a partner would cut off or turn against their parents, siblings, and even children but these are the people more likely to be perceived as threats.

BPD mother saw people as being "on her side" or "not her side" and to stay in her favor, one had to align with her.

There were times when my father either didn't go somewhere, or went home early, according to my mother's feelings.

I recall several times in high school, I would be at a friend's house and my mother would call, out of the blue, apparently angry- for no reason I knew about and demand I come home right away. Once I got home, she had no reason for me to be there. It wasn't even about the friend. She just wanted to make me come home. I think it was about control, although as a teen, I had no idea why she did that.

Later though, in her elder years, I realized that due to her anxiety- she could not handle being alone at all. She didn't necessarily want someone to be right there with her, but she wanted them to be available to her right away whenever she wanted them to be, if she wanted them. BPD mother had an emotional need for people to do things for her, even if they were things she could do for herself, like run errands, bring her a glass of water. So- while a reason was control- the reason for the control was to have someone available to meet her needs immediately- as it served to alleviate her anxiety. If my father had to be at work, a teen child could also serve in that role if he wasn't available.

What your son told you was partially true but I don't think it was the whole of it. I don't think he was avoiding the truth- I think he didn't fully understand all that was going on. Often the "reason" presented by the pwBPD isn't the whole reason because they perceive their internal feelings as something external to them. Sounds like DIL didn't want him to be with his family because that felt like a threat to her but also, she may not have been able to emotionally manage being alone and wanted your son to be right there if she felt she needed him.

IMHO, when it comes to your son, if he wants to talk, listen supportively,  but be careful what you say. Don't enable but don't step into becoming seen as a threat to the relationship or pwBPD.

Oh yeah. Facial expressions. Deep breaths. Simply having an off day where you're not talkative. They will notice immediately. And call you out. They will push and push TELLING you that you're mad. You can calmly and kindly explain you're just fine or tired or just feeling 'off'. This will go on until you finally do get mad and pop off somehow. Then suddenly the entire conversation becomes about how you raised your voice and are verbally abusive and never cared about them. And also how you don't know how to communicate. LOSE-LOSE

same here. My ex had bpd/depression/adhd/anxiety. Psychologist/Psychiatrist. In 3 days it will be an entire year since the end. While I am in a much better head space, I cannot even imagine going on a date with anyone, or even trust them sadly. I have a lot of self improvement to do in regards to how I choose my partners. I also don't trust myself yet. And yes the rush of feel good chemicals is unmatched by anything I've experienced. The bad times are soul crushing. I need to make myself realize that that isn't normal. We all have our own timeline.

I am stunned to learn how many ppl are out there haveing arguments on whether or not the other made a sound or had a facial expresion the other didn't like. I have had so many incidents like this I strive to keep my face neutral and not make any odd sounds...yet if they are dys-regulated they will often accuse me of 'acting off' even if they cannot explain exactly how. Then its off to the races again. If you insist there is nothing wrong you will be shouted at. If you try and come up with some issues that may be troubling you you may be instantly dismised because they're the one with the real troubles, you don't have anything worth worrying about.

I’m in a similar boat, although my son is out of state and we haven’t actually seen him in almost two years (we were going to visit in the summer but had to cancel due to a severe split and he didn’t want us to come).  This past weekend was pretty bad, some first-time accusations that I’m not sure we can get past without some type of acknowledgement and apology (usually he moves on as if nothing happened/he didn’t say cruel things).  I strongly feel that there is a correlation with him binge-smoking weed along with some separate problem that occurs (that most people can move on from) and his raging splits that usually involve threats of self-harm.   He of course does not see this.    I, like you, feel like no one else can understand what we go through, at least in my circle.  So I silently suffer.  I actually dread when someone asks how I am.  “Do you really want to know?” .  I’m sorry you are going through this, I truly know how tough and painful this is to live with.

It is good you are in therapy. Our family of origin does influence who we are with as a partner. I have had to work on my own freeze and fawn, co-dependent tendencies.

Attempting to change BPD mother's spending was impossible. I tried, her family members tried. It did feel like dealing with an addict who couldn't manage being cut of from her supply. But she also didn't seem to have a real concept of money- because her needs, and many wants, had been provided for, regardless of what she spent. When my father was working, if she spent money, there was more.

Eventually though- after retirement, the inflow of money changes and people need to learn how to manage that. The reality is that- if your wife continues her spending after retirement, the result could be dire. BPD mother had a monthly sum of money and in addition, she spent all her savings, and then, the house- without us knowing it. I don't know if she ever intended to tell us. But speaking to her, she seemed to not understand the consequences of what she did.

Her funds were so low, that she was in danger of the house being repossessed by the bank. And she was elderly, and needed assisted living help. What I had assumed was that- by the time she needed this, we could sell the house and use that money to pay for help for her. But now, unknown to us, she'd leveraged the house too.

Seeing my concern over this, she cornered me, insinuating I was after the house as an inheritance. My reply to her was "I don't care if the bank takes the house then, I care if the bank takes the house now, while you are in it". She acted shocked, she had no idea the bank could do that.

The only thing that stopped her spending was low funds in her account. I even consulted an attorney to see if I could intervene, but as long as she was legally competent, we could not. We'd not have let her go without essentials,  but we had to have a boundary, and BPD mother would challenge boundaries.

She'd call me with requests for things she didn't need. Items it would be draconian to refuse her. She'd call and say she was cold and needed a blanket or a sweater. But she had several blankets and sweaters. Truly, I'd have loved to give her a blanket, or a sweater, if I thought she'd actually like it, but I had seen this dynamic enough to know that this wasn't about a blanket. She didn't want a blanket. This was a manipulation.

With money though- there is a boundary. If all the money is spent, there's none left. If you leverage the house, the bank can take it. While your concern for your wife is how she could manage, at some point, there is a limit. Consider is it better for her to learn it now, while the two of you are working and independent?