Thanks for that Pete

I’ve got no concerns whatsoever about having similar battles id had with my ex, I’ve done the ground work and prepared for 14 months by really getting to know my girlfriend and forming a solid bond before we started our relationship so I know she is nothing like her. And I have always been very calm, very laid back and in control of my emotions, even throughout my previous relationship, which is probably a factor as I had no fear of abandonment or concerns my wife would leave me but she did.

I’ve discussed it with her in the last week and told her that I value our relationship a lot. She knows the situation I’ve been through and how I’ve been treated, and I think she did worry a little about my ex. I think looking at the behaviour of my ex, the fact that her boyfriend was telling her he loved her within a week of us splitting up (2 months after his own wife left him after a 30 year marriage) and knowing how disordered and insecure they both are I’ve been conscious not to love bomb my gf and it’s actually taken me until this last week, 9 months to tell her that I love her. I think we have both been scared to say it, and I have been worried it might push her away but now I have I think it has helped massively. It has kind of opened the floodgates of emotion. I know it is reciprocated. She has told me every day since I said it that she loves me, today she said we are perfect together and she has always known that.

Everyone that knows us says it too, that we are perfect together and I don't think any of them are surprised that we are together now. Even her ex boyfriend, someone I’ve known for a very long time that actually grew up living next door to my wife, who’s sister was one of her best friends, has said he is pleased we are together and deserve to be together, and that my wife didn’t deserve to be with me.
It’s kind of the opposite of what everyone thought about my wife and I, even her own father told me she didn’t deserve me. I guess sometimes I just feel a little vulnerable now, which I never felt before.

It seems like most couples I know who have healthy relationships, or at least "normal" relationships i.e. where a personality disorder is not present, either discuss expectations of responsiveness up front, or just handle things as they come without getting upset.  Something like "I expect at least a text message every day to say 'Hi' and check in."  I think that's okay.  Or if they haven't discussed expectations, but have some concerns, they discuss why someone didn't call, or what the concern was, and then either get an apology or explanation of why they were absent.  And then they're back on good terms  - i.e. no endless guilt trip, accusations, etc. and fights like with a pwBPD. 

So I think if you need more contact from your new partner, it's fine to make that request; just consider what you want and be prepared to accept it if it's provided, without then needing more (like a pwBPD would).  You could even try to frame it as a positive thing, not a request.  For example, "I love getting a little text from you now and then when we're apart."  But honestly, a couple hours of time is not a big deal, assuming that's all it is.  If you find yourself getting upset over it, maybe send a friendly text of your own, then find something else to do while you wait for a response so you're not obsessing over it.


I did for a while; I'd occasionally find myself apologizing for something I didn't need to, or over-explaining why I wanted to do something else, etc., out of concern it would provoke a fight.   

I think I didn't pick up any negative traits from BPDxw, although I did find myself expecting to fight similar battles all over again, and was overly sensitive to concerns about things being too one-sided in my new partner's favor, or things like that.  I had to learn to stay calm and not let my emotions set the tone for how I communicated. 

 I think the most important part in my response is acting surprisd  and asking oh, reallylike I took it seriously and then thinking what could be wrong and then saying maybe I am tired. I think he gets some validatio from this. Saying nothing is wrong got me where it gets you a lot of times.

Oh I wish. I tried that 'nothing's wrong, just a long day is all. I'm tired'.....what I got back was 'I know you're lying to me. You're just going to bring it up later and start a fight. You always do this!' haha

Ah ja, facial expressions, breathing, gasp etc.. Had this argument many times, escalating into haw I cannot communicate… I found that it works best for me if I just act surprised and say sometihing like: oh, really, I did not intend to sound like that, it is pribably because I am a little tired. It works very often for my SO to then just move on.

I think walking out and not engaging was the right thing to do.

He's got a disorder. That isn't going to change. So whatever you have done on your part to manage your own reactions and not engage in drama will help you but it won't change that he has a disorder and he's going to do this from time to time.

In therapy, when he instigates a fight- this was called an "invitation to the crazy party". You got invited but you don't have to attend.

Underneath it all, I think the invitation to an emotionally charged interaction is a need for attention. One is paying attention during an argument. By not engaging you didn't reinforce this.

But he's still there and wants attention. He's human, like everyone else and humans want attention. I think if you are living with him, there has to be some interaction. When we take away attention to an unwanted behavior- that leaves nothing. The next part is to substitute a positive one and attention to that.

If he wants to gripe about the election, maybe time it. Say OK, let's talk about this for 10 minutes but then I need to leave for an appointment, or cook dinner or get groceries. Or a distraction. "Look, I bought cookies".

I know you think he's crazy and don't like him but you've chosen to live with him, and even if he were just a room mate, even room mates spend some time talking to each other. It makes things easier for you. That's the goal. If something is better for him and you, it's better for you.

If he threatens to hit you let him know that isn't acceptable to hit people and that if he continues, you will need to call for help. At his age and mental status, that is a 911 emergency evaluation for being a danger to himself or others.

Could have written this word for word. In fact my ex would actually single out me, her sister, and her business partner that was one of her best friends, because we were the closest people to her. Everything was our fault, not hers.

She can’t disown her sister. It’s difficult for her to discard her business partner, although she has tried. So I guess I was the path of least resistance.

Her sister worked for her but has now left. I’m out of the picture, and she is living rent free at her boyfriends taking everything she can get from him, so she has now turned on her business partner and started being horrible to her, because she is now the path of least resistance.

Yet again everything you write is so relatable. When you are deep in the relationship you don’t see it.
Since breaking up with my wife, my father in law said “she treated you like PLEASE READ, I wouldn’t take her back if I were you” her sister said “haven’t you stopped to think how much better off you are without her, she treated you, she treats both of us, like PLEASE READ”’ her brother told her “I’m surprised HE didn’t leave YOU a long time ago” and that is her side of the family. Our son told me she used to treat me like a slave. My brother the same, and said our dad told him the way she used to go on and on at me was like a washing machine constantly going in the background that you just had to try and ignore. My friends have said the bbq’s or parties we would have were one of their best memories, spoiled by the way she used to go on at me and boss me around all the time.

So yeh, you don’t really see it, but everyone else can.

"So yes, absolutely don’t jump into a relationship, I know that.
And that is why I took well over a year before stepping into this relationship, and I feel I have been mentally ready for it.
However, after 9 months together I have fallen quite hard for my new girlfriend. We both have. And I guess it is that new intensity in the relationship, and the feeling that I really don’t want to lose her, is what has let a little bit of the fear of abandonment creep in. I just wondered if this is quite common for people in our situation."

I'd say it is normal for anyone really. Falling in love with someone, truly, feels great. I love being in love, when reciprocated. You have to remember you went through something most people cannot comprehend. These relationships are NOT normal. You never knew what to expect and at times BPD relationships are 'normal'. I know for me, when I'm ready I'm going to be very scared, and wonder if I'm repeating a pattern. You just have to make sure you don't start caretaking or being a rescuer too often. Lots of us have that personality. After such betrayal from our exes, it's probably expected to fear it all might crash down, then again feel guilt or wonder if it's all us.

Oh definitely. Within months of breaking up with my wife, because she had jumped straight into a relationship she kept on at me to go on a dating site. She even tried convincing me to destroy someone’s marriage, all manipulation to make her feel better for what she was doing.

So, 3 months after the split I joined a dating site. The most attractive woman I saw on there actually contacted me, and we arranged to go on a date. My ex knew about it, and that day asked me if she was prettier than her, if she was slimmer than her. That night, I was driving back home from the date, and I had missed calls and texts from my ex. She had asked our son to go and pick her up, she was drunk, so she could sit with our dogs while I was out for the night. When I arrived home gone midnight, she was in my kitchen having a screaming row with our son. She then turned on me, punching me repeatedly, dragging her nails down my face, and tried to strangle me. I could have knocked her out, but just took it until my son came over, because this was going on in front of him, and he picked her up and carried her away.

What carried on was 3hrs of mental torture and abuse. My wife’s sister and our eldest son came round because our son that was there called them. She calmed down a little, but decided to go upstairs and get in my bed. I sat downstairs talking with our son for half hour or so, then went upstairs and got in bed in the spare room. My ex then came into the room and sat on the bed, and started carrying on as if she was having a panic attack, but I just tried ignoring it. Because I ignored her she then put me through the worst mental torment I have ever experienced in my life and absolutely broke me. I was a wreck. I never want to experience anything like that in my life ever again. Our son witnessed this too and it made him extremely distressed.

I got out of bed and left my house, went to sleep on my sons couch up the road. She continued to message me through the morning, hinting at suicide if I didn’t go back and talk to her.
I was an emotional mess, she manipulated me into sleeping with her.

So yes, absolutely don’t jump into a relationship, I know that.
And that is why I took well over a year before stepping into this relationship, and I feel I have been mentally ready for it.
However, after 9 months together I have fallen quite hard for my new girlfriend. We both have. And I guess it is that new intensity in the relationship, and the feeling that I really don’t want to lose her, is what has let a little bit of the fear of abandonment creep in. I just wondered if this is quite common for people in our situation.