Yeah, I've been in that position with my ex and my daughter (both BPD). I broke through with my kid and we no longer do that dance anymore. With my ex, we're on speaking terms and she realizes a lot was in her head, but there's still parts there that would never be fixed. And what it boiled down to was the distorted things she told herself for years that she never shared with anyone.
Not the arguments, mind you, but the deeper stuff that actually mattered to her (her insecurities, fears, etc). It was never spoken so there was no way to overcome it.
That stuff can be fixed over time with a whole lot of patience and empathy, but I felt God leading me in another direction and I didn't fight it. I'm happy for the good memories (raising kids, vacations, holidays, family, etc) and I'm also happy that's not my life anymore. I had no idea how dysfunctional our relationship actually was.
Not the arguments, mind you, but the deeper stuff that actually mattered to her (her insecurities, fears, etc). It was never spoken so there was no way to overcome it.
That stuff can be fixed over time with a whole lot of patience and empathy, but I felt God leading me in another direction and I didn't fight it. I'm happy for the good memories (raising kids, vacations, holidays, family, etc) and I'm also happy that's not my life anymore. I had no idea how dysfunctional our relationship actually was.
that's the kicker, when you're in it and things go south, it's a shock initially. Did that really just happen? It's new, hopefully it's a one-off. Then things start snowballing and it becomes the normal. You don't share initially, but at some point you start asking trusted sources if these things are common. And everyone's reaction is the same 'what the hell are you talking about? that's crazy, how do you deal with that?'. You don't see how bad it is due to the push/pull. Wonderful memories like you mentioned above but then complete and total illogical chaos. Riding a rollercoaster with no harness.



. I’m sorry you are going through this, I truly know how tough and painful this is to live with.
I previously mentioned some other ideas