And there’s been attempts to engage but I just can’t do it. I don’t recognize myself. I am angry and bitter. I have no patience. I don’t care about not cross complaining or insulting or name calling. And worst of all, I feel bad that I don’t care anymore.
It's very common that the intimate partner of the pwBPD begins to feel a bit like them and have their emotions line a roller coaster. Then, you may regret things that you did in the heat of the emotion. But you can plan in advance about what you will and won't do, and then it's easier to avoid regretful behaviors.
In the end, all that really matters to me is if it works or not. Retaliating to the abuse may seem to work at the moment because it makes you feel better about it, but in the long run, it doesn't work for the relationship or the family.
I can go on about the last decade of my life and all the things I’ve ignored and argued with. I can tell all the ways I researched and agonized over hoping to make it work. I don’t I think I am giving up and I don’t care anymore. I’ve been here before and panicked and given in. But this time, I realize I am slowly dying.
I think you should take a deeper dive to analyze what you just wrote: "I am slowly dying."
For your relationship with someone that has BPD to work, you need to survive the provocations and the push-pull that happens within it. For that, you need to heal your inner wounds. That means to work out all of your emotional dependency traits, which inherently come from childhood—and you might not know them. The book "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" can help you to do that. If you're unsure, the book "Running on Empty" will help you to understand what you may have missed from your parents (and teach you to be a better one as well).
Regardless of the relationship status, that dive should transform you into a healthier and happier person.



