Thank you for the responses so far.

I read Eddy’s book and found it super helpful. I can’t keep a copy at home to reference for obvious reasons but it might be the most important book I’ve ever read.

My lawyer has a lot of experience dealing with DV, actually clocked the BPD right away without me saying it, understands his mindset and how he’s likely to respond to things, is practical and focused strongly on safety, and seems more proactive than others - for example considering if we could obtaining a proactive OOP before filing vs waiting for his reaction.

I’m documenting everything I can think of - violent and controlling behaviors, substance abuse, how the kids respond to his outbursts, daily parenting tasks/decisions/responsibilities. Our finances are a mess due largely to his impulsive spending, so I wonder if I should dig more into what is being spent and by whom, or pull up history of credit cards he’s opened without telling me, etc.

I realize I’m in a caretaker role in this relationship and I need to learn how to be assertive which is hard when I’ve been rolling over for years in order to keep the peace. So I need to work on that.

Hi! I don’t know how to start… it’s my first time. My love is the one with BPD, he is also the father of my kid.
Lately it’s gotten so hard for me to just keep it all together, that’s why I’m here. We had a huge fight today. Now I’m on that faze of blaming myself for it. I said some things that could indicate that I want to leave him. I’m tired of trying to get him out of his room, in my head it’s all just getting worse. He is closing himself in his world, where me and my son don’t have access. He doesn’t do a therapy, but I do, because he was saying that it’s all my fault and if I get my PLEASE READ together, if I stop to complain it will all be good.. well… At the start I knew it would be challenging, because I felt that a lot of my behavior comes from his ignorance and now during therapy I’m just starting to notice how much of a help I need.. how much in pain I actually am.. but until now I was sort of prioritizing his pain. I thought my therapy would maybe encourage him to start his… And here I am now writing on a forum.. I really care about him, I see his inner child being in so much pain, don’t want to be one more person just passing by, but lately I’ve started to doubt. Also I’m very pushy, when things get bad I want to ease them the fastest I can. Maybe I should just leave him with all of that? Leave him in his room, not trying to force smth every 2h. What is your experience? What does work? What is leaving things worse? He also breaks up w me every single time we argue, maybe I should just validate that break up?

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to the boards.

Although my relationship with my ex was much shorter than(3 years), I can relate to what you're saying and the emotions that you are no doubt feeling at this time. It's very hard to realise and know that a relationship with someone that you love dearly can't work because of factors that are simply outside of your control.

30 years is a long time, and the process of grieving will no doubt be one that will take time. There's something about the decision to end a relationship that does make us look at our old trauma and deal with that at the same time, and it can be a brutal time. I can 100% relate to that part, and I'm still sifting through all the rubble of that process, but happy to say that I'm finding peace on the other side of it.

If there's anything else you'd like to share with us about your relationship or experience of coming to the conclusion it has to end, please feel free. We're here to listen and support.

Hello BeagleDad-

There are many here who have or are dealing with these kinds of relationships. The board is sectioned according to relationship.

It would help to know if your pwBPD is a parent, child, spouse- as then there's a better chance of connecting with people who have similar experiences. Please indicate yours so you can get more focused replies.

An interesting thing about police... They will claim that they won't take sides in a domestic dispute, that the long term resolution is with court, but - perhaps supported by VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) - they will typically default to requiring the man to leave when all there is is hearsay (he said, she said).  This resolves the immediate dispute, with the expectation the couple ought to work it out later.

In my case, 20 years ago next month, the officers listened to my then-spouse, listened to me and then asked me to hand my quietly sobbing preschooler to his mother and "step away".  When I later got a divorce lawyer, he had never heard of a man not being carted off.  I explained that when I had attempted to comply, my son shrieked and clung even tighter in my arms.  What kid won't go to a normal mother?  The officer had pondered for a long moment, said "work it out" and they left.

Jazzsinger  I saw myself and my stbx-BPD in your post.  I had those days as well, when I just let it all out.  I did not realize how much I had suppressed.  When I let it out, I was told something was wrong with me, counseling is not helping me, I like chaos, I've heard it all. I did not care what he thought, I had a voice and I used it...it wasn't necessarily so much for him, but for me. I also told him at one point that I wasn't afraid of him anymore. I was physically abused about 30 years ago, verbal and emotional abuse when he gets angry.   I found myself slamming doors, nagging (that's what he called it), trying to get him to hear me. I have contracted an attorney and will be moving forward.  Scary and messy, but I have no doubt it will be very rewarding.   

@ForeverDad  Thank you for posting the book by William Eddy: Splitting Protecting Yourself while Divorcing.  I downloaded a copy and will more than likely purchase the book. When enough is enough, it's ENOUGH!!!

Great to hear.  I have a longer road to go (my daughter is not yet a teenager), but do look forward to someday not having to interact with BPDxw anymore. 

Learning to have clear boundaries and how to maintain them is definitely key, and important in all relationships, not just personal, but also professional.  I see that failing to learn these lessons affected my career as well.  Standing up for yourself and enforcing boundaries can't wait.  It's something that has to be done consistently, or you just end up repeating the same scenarios over and over.

I think they do this when they aren't themselves concerned it's a possibility.  Threats of divorce become just another "tool" in the toolbox of techniques for controlling their partner and dominating the relationship for their own ends. 

The accounts here of married BPD-partners leaving and filing for divorce are rare - I can't recall any for sure.  Of the one I'm thinking of, the BPD-partner was the primary breadwinner, but I don't remember if they were actually the one who filed.  Regardless, I don't recall ever reading an acocunt here where a financially dependent BPD-spouse initiated the split and filed for divorce. 

I do recall accounts of BPD-partners leaving, but this is most often in the case of short-term relationships, where the BPD-partner was cheating and jumping for a new relationship that they  perceived as more beneficial for them.

Like you said, it would be hard for @thankful_person's spouse to find a replacement for her, given that people tend not to want to step (no pun intended) into all the responsibility of being a step parent, on top of all the other baggage a pwBPD comes with.  But it could happen. 

In my own case, BPDxw and I nearly split a year before we actually did.  We both saw attorneys, then she begged me to reconsider and for some reason I did.  But by this point I knew that I was just kicking the can down the road, and it was only a matter of time before we divorced.

In any event, it seemed like BPDxw felt more secure after that, and felt that I wouldn't ever leave her.  After that point in time, she started to use threats of divorce more frequently.  I think in her head I was now afraid to leave her, or needed her or whatever.  In the end when I was ready to leave and we had another blow up, she was actually the one who said "we're getting divorced then" in response to me refusing to take responsibility for her behavior in what was our last fight as a married couple.  She seemed pretty upset when she realized it was actually happening!  And of course, when she'd mention it to other people, most often she said that I left her because I didn't want to be a father anymore.  No mention of the fact that she was the one who laid that marker down.   

It's good you don't have regrets I suppose. I know for myself I'd feel awful, maybe not with the content of what I said, but that I let my usual logical, kind demeaner escape me. I became the monster I was mad at.

Why not start looking into the legal advice...today? Doesn't mean you have to make a decision yet, but it will guide you in case you make the choice to leave.