Divorce courts are overwhelmed with a caseload that never ends.  Since judges don't want to get decisions overturned on appeal, they want the litigants to settle which is why continuances are so common.  Strangely enough, our cases usually do settle, just not at first.

To blend my prior observation with Pook's response, can  you wait until your legal case is over and you get the final decree, then decide whether and how much to say?

What I’ve learned is that smear campaign works when they can recruit people who are toxic folks themselves. If those were frenemies then the smear campaigns would expose them and you are able to move forward knowing you didn’t lose healthy friendships.

In my case, my family of origin live I. A different continent but were as toxic as my ex so when my relationship fell apart he didn’t here any use in recruiting my family of origin as I had already cut ties with them. If he continues to relate with them then it’s to his disadvantage as my FOO are users who would only take from him.

Thank you CC43,
You have been very kind and generous with encouraging words and helpful advice on this board. I remember you shared your sister’s experience with a bpd ex husband and the impact on your nephews. It really helped to know that I wasn’t alone.

Thank you

All good stuff and the summer job sounds like fun!  As long as you're getting out of the house some and getting in exercise, you're on a good path with the help of your therapist.  Part of having a chance of reconciling is being the best possible version of you, and that goes for both physical and mental.  So I'm glad you're focused on both!


My ex wife and daughter both had BPD, but they acted completely different.  My kid was traditional BPD with everything outward in explosive anger, while my wife was quiet and reserved....preferring to suffer in silence and hide all her pain.  Both went through the same thing, they just processed it differently so it doesn't look the same.

Quiet BPD is vastly more common and it's rarely diagnosed.  Yet the end result is often the same with the sudden, explosive breakup.

Keep your head up though and focus inward on your own wellbeing.  You'll eventually have another conversation and I hope it works out the way you want it to.

Hi Pook075,

Thank you.

I’ve been in therapy with this trauma informed therapist for about two years. Before that it was just a general anxiety therapist which helped a lot for about a year.

Also right now I’m just trying to pass time by doing anything I can that seems fun to me. Video games, reading, tv, working out, chores, friends. I’m working a month long summer camp starting in a week so that should help pass the time by faster.

She never seemed like someone who had bpd until the split on me. I never noticed her having these mini splits. I feel like a lot of my hope rests in that we had a really good connection which is probably why she split anyways and the fact that she’s in therapy and her bpd doesn’t seem as severe as some others I have read about. But obviously it’s been three months and the only contact has been her blocking me even more.

Without her getting professional treatment - which she first has to accept she needs, which they rarely do - you’ll get the same cycle which is now clearly running. Plus she now knows that when she’s with a new guy you’re still there for her to go back to if this new relationship fails. BDP’s never want to be alone and her coming back doesn’t mean they want us specifically, they’re filling a needy gap in their emotions.

You’ll see the ‘Three C’s’ mentioned often on the site, which are wise words.. You didn’t Cause it. You can’t Control it. You can’t Cure it.

It’s okay to grieve over the situation - we’ve all done it and many still are grieving to some extent - but you have to try to get on with your life, hard though that is. If you don’t, then not only did she take away your happiness then, you’re letting her do it now, even when you’re not with her and you know you can‘t control her. Double damage.

Even if you still hope she’ll come back and are willing to ride the roundabout again you still owe it to yourself to take care of yourself, mentally and physically. Stay strong, keep busy and active and let your family and friends support you.

Best wishes

If you say something to him directly, then he will say something to her and at the very least, it's going to upset her.  Why do that with litigation pending?  To me, it's like poking the bear and hoping for the best.

Many here can relate to how you feel and I went through a similar situation when my ex-wife found my replacement before she left the marriage.  It was extremely tough and I can only imagine what she must have said about me to convince the guy that our marriage was definitely over.  For whatever reason, he put aside his Christian beliefs and engaged in adultery.  That's between them though and it was something I had to learn to let go of.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're still struggling.


BPD relationships go in cycles; they start off amazing because they've found the perfect person in every possible way.  They're so all-in on the relationship that they mirror everything the other person loves and make it a part of themself. 

But over time, they realize that hey, their person isn't perfect (because nobody is) and they begin to second-guess everything.  Maybe there's mood changes or new habits; these things are there to protect themselves from their own self-esteem and a massive fear of abandonment.

Over time, things might escalate, and seemingly little things are suddenly treated like life-shattering things.  That's because the non-BPD person thinks things are fine while the BPD feels like they're in crisis mode.  Everything gets scrutinized, every word, every reaction...they all signal that they're about to have their heart broken.

So what happens?  They get so insecure that they blow up the relationship and flee.

Over time, they enter a new relationship and restart the cycle- the new person is absolutely perfect!  But they're not, and the same self-destructive pattern unfolds.  Before long, they're blowing that relationship up and looking backwards...that old relationship was so much better! 

Maybe they go back or maybe they meet someone new.  Either way, the cycle starts all over again.  And it never stops until they feel completely safe and secure with their person.

Going back to your questions, being blocked is something that happens in the moment, it's a feeling.  Does that means it's forever?  Not at all.

Could she be happy now?  Absolutely...for now.  And maybe the guy is a narcissist, but she doesn't see it yet.

Why did she send the picture?  Who knows, but my guess is that she sees the guy as perfect and when you sent the story, she felt like you were trying to manipulate her.  So she did it back to you.  Maybe it wasn't your intention to harm her, but she's looking at this through a jaded lens.  In her mind, it was absolutely an attack.

Is this the end?  It's different for every BPD, but they all run in cycles in every relationship (with parents, friends, lovers, etc).  If she said that she never gives anyone a second chance, then maybe that's the truth.  But at the same time, she's tried to push you away and you're still around.  Maybe there will be a chance to reconcile...its very hard to guess.

What should you do?  It's been nine months, yet this still sounds pretty raw.  You need to give yourself time to actually heal and grieve this relationship.  You have zero control over what she does, but 100% control over your own path.

Hi Popcorn and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it sounds really difficult.

To answer your question directly, splitting is a short-term thing...usually from a few hours up until a few weeks.  And what it means is thinking in absolutes, "He always says this" or "He never did that."  Those instances are rarely factual, but their mind processes information that way...even if you can prove otherwise.

For instance, one time my BPD ex was screaming at me and said, "You never cook food for me...ever!"  Yet she was sitting there eating a veggie omelette that I had made for her about 15 minutes earlier.  Yet my ex stood by her statement and was enraged that I'd dare try to defend myself.

Once the splitting ends, that doesn't mean their memories instantly transform and see things from the opposite spectrum.  It just means they're no longer seeing in black and white (all good or bad).  The damage is still there and the only way forward is re-establishing trust.

For your other question, is she likely to come back...that's impossible to answer.  In BPD relationships, the odds are pretty good that there will be a chance for reconciliation since they tend to operate in circular patterns.  But whether or not she'll trust you again is anyone's guess.

How long have you been in therapy?  And how are you filling your time currently?