Thank you for this advice. I get resentful that she becomes a financial burden when she plans long trips frequently, but you're probably right that getting her somewhere else to stay is the best solution. I need to let go of my anger of her taking advantage of me financially when I was younger and make the best decision for my family now. The choice is realistically between things escalating to the point where I have to go NC, or biting the bullet to pay for a hotel for her when she comes, and setting some boundary as to how many days/year I will do that. I would really like to limit it to 1 week/year (I will also go back to the other side of the country 1mo/year but stay with friends), but I have a feeling she will get very upset about that, as she seems to be planning to come 3-4x/year.

Hello CanBuild91,

from your posts it seems like you are preocupied with social media posts of your ex. I would suggest you hide her from your newsfeed, if she decides she wants to unblock and contact you, she still absolutley can. Maybe it would be easier to move on like that, but still leave a door a bit open for her and not thinking of evry one of her posta if they really are for you and what she wants with them.
Just a thoight ;) Good luck!

Good for you!  Sounds like a pretty good outcome, after all. 

I think the myth of the "aggressive attorney" being the same as a "competent" or "good" attorney needs to die.  Legal work is a grind, and a long struggle; the people that want to come out "guns blazing" are often not going to be good at it, after a hearing or two. 

I'd just be cautious about branding your new partner non-PD.  I was in another relationship post-divorce that started out wonderful, and was wonderful, for most of a year before I started to see the signs of PD again.  Fortunately I did not marry her, and it didn't last as long as my earlier marriage to a pwBPD, but longer than it should have. 

I'd also note that in my case, my new GF was very supportive of my issues with BPDxw and my commitment to parenting time with my daughter (about 8 months into our relationship I went back to court to get additional parenting time and limit some of the rights BPDxw was abusing), and would often comment how wrong it was that my XW behaved the way she did.  But over time, her attitude changed on this issue to lumping BPDxw and me together (rhetorically) as like an example of how I made a mistake, and now how our current relationship was "below her" and I needed to be better if I wanted to keep her happy... more trips, household help, more spending, nicer house, etc.  After a further miserable year and a half together, I finally got out. 

You suffered a whirlwind of pain there.  Glad he's out of your life, and I hope you can work on the co-dependency issue you've discovered, as that seems to be a common issue keeping people in these unhealthy relationships longer than they should.

well....did everyone "survive" Thanksgiving?  I know it is sad I was okay until I (again, saw the picture of my daughter at my sister's (whose house I am no longer invited to due to a Covid issue years ago!....family is the pits    

Thank you CC43 for the long reply that covers the hope, pain, fear and drama of loving someone who struggles with bpd. The scenarios may be different but the same in many ways. I will always have a Momma's heart. Yet, I also know it's my responsibility to protect it. Slow walking is a great way of looking at doing that. Thank you for suggesting it.  My son does thank me at times, which is a gift too.  I know because he has told me so that he hates being dependent on me.  I know I need to do my part in changing my encouraging him to be dependent. It isn't serving him well and satisfies an unhealthy need in me, I think.
Thank you again.

Hi Mom,

I think I understand your plight.  You're constantly on edge because your son has teetered on the brink so often in the past.  It's hard not to assume the worst.  As your son has gotten older, you have learned to recognize the signs when he starts to veer off course.  Maybe it's a refusal to communicate, passive-aggressiveness, a string of nasty texts or a tirade of accusations.  Maybe it's ignoring you on your birthday or Mother's Day, right after you bailed him out in a major way.  Maybe it's getting a 2 a.m. telephone call from the police or a hospital.  Or maybe he hasn't landed in the hospital lately, but even so, you feel a bit of PTSD for fear that he might end up there, because he seems not to be doing very well.  He might be talking about how he feels worthless, empty, that he just can't cope anymore, he feels despair, he hates his life.  He might alternate between hating you and hating himself, and you're not sure which is worse.  You have a maternal radar, alert to any setback or bad news that could push your son over the edge.  You know he's not very resilient, and he has a tendency to blow everything out of proportion, which means fractured relationships.  The result is that he might get fired from his job, or suddenly quit a good one over a seemingly minor incident.  He might break up with a partner, and the break-up is a mess.  His anger is lightning-fast, and he seems to boil over; his reactions seem totally out of proportion to the situation.  Worst of all, he seems never to take responsibility for his actions.  He expects YOU to get him out of his mess.  Though he resents feeling reliant on you, it's preferable to admitting that he doesn't handle things as he should.  Deep down he feels like a failure, and his way of coping is to blame others.  The sad reality is, he feels he doesn't have agency.  But he gets you to bail him out.  Once you do that, his immediate source of stress is alleviated, and maybe he'll temporarily feel a little bit better.  He will probably neglect to thank you, because he thinks you owe him.  Rather than apologize or show a little gratitude, he pretends the whole thing didn't even happen.  Does that sound about right?

Anyway, one thing you might try is to slow-walk.  Maybe you're not quite as available all the time.  Maybe you call him when it's convenient for you (say, once a week), and you just don't do texts anymore.  If he wants to talk to you or ask you to do something, he needs to call you.  If there's an emergency, he can call you too; but also know that he can call 911.  Maybe that little change could make communications feel more intentional, and you can gauge the situation better in a live conversation.  If give him a little more time and space to handle his emotions and his problems on his own, and maybe he'll surprise you.  That way, maybe you give your radar a little break.

If he's talking about suicide, then you could ask him, "Do you want me to call 911?"  If he says No, then you can feel a little relieved that he's not feeling that badly.  If he says Yes, then he'll go to the hospital and get some help he needs.

Keep the faith. Yes, 3 years is long time but I think BPD's don't have the same sense of time as we do. They can drop you in an instant but can also get back with you a long time later as though nothing happened. They live purely for the moment and how their emotions are running at that precise time. Longest break I had with my ex was 9 months but we got back together and picked right up again like we'd never broke up at all - at least that's how she saw it; I was the one who suffered for the 9 months, pretty much as you're doing now.

Don't lose your existing life while waiting for a possible reconciliation; time is the one thing we can never get back so get out there and make the most of it. I find good things happen when we least expect it.

My ex actually lives just a couple of miles from me and I wrote to her a couple of years ago. Never seen her since the day she had her worst meltdown which finally ended it for me for good.. that was 37 years ago. She now has my phone number and knows which day I'm in my local pub so if she ever wants to get in touch she has the means. Nothing back from her so far but then I'm living my life quite happily. I'd like to see her again - crazy thoughts of 'reconnecting in our old age' - which does happen but I don't depend on it and have lived a great life.

I spoke to her sister in law a few years ago and she said my ex hadn't changed one bit and had in fact now cut off from her remaining family. I think I was hoping she'd have changed as she aged but it seems not. Maybe I should have just let sleeping dogs lie after all this time.

Keep the hope, look after yourself physically and mentally and live your life, you can do no more at the moment.

This is a difficult one because most people don't travel a long distance to stay a short while. My parents- BPD mother didn't live near me but it wasn't quite that long. Still, since they drove, it took the larger part of a day to arrive. They weren't going to stay just a couple of days.

These visits were stressful as my parents didn't have much structure to them. Since Dad was retired, there was no set date for them to return home. I understand the feeling of anxiety during these visits.

Being that they were my parents, I had wanted them to stay with me. We had a guest room, in a private corner of the house, with its own bathroom. But my BPD mother liked things her own way and after a couple of days, she and my father moved to a hotel. I felt as if she thought the guest room wasn't "good enough" for her as she had a tendency to be critical of things I did for her but there wasn't anything wrong with the guest room. So, in a way, they made their own solution to staying with me- they didn't want to.

Some time later, I made a similar decision. My father had gotten ill and was in the hospital, I went to help out and stayed with my parents to help out. Staying alone in the house with BPD mother- her behavior escalated, old memories of childhood came to mind. Although I had come to help with Dad- the caretaking was for her but her behavior was irrational and out of control. After this experience, I decided to stay in a hotel when I visited so I had a "safe space".

In consideration of my BPD mother too- it's a strain on them to "mask" when around others. Having her own space to herself, she didn't feel a need to do this.

Visits were still stressful but I think it does help to have separate living spaces. Due to our own childhood experiences, we are going to be on high alert when in the presence of our BPD parent, even though we are adults now- and also even if we rationalize their behavior and they don't act out. We don't feel emotionally safe around them. We may choose to have contact but we need to also have a way to feel safe and calm down. Limiting the time and frequency of visits helped too.

Since our BPD mothers may not have sound boundaries- we have to have them. Saying no to a visit is difficult- but it may be that we have to. It may have to involve the extra expense of putting your mother up in a hotel when she visits- but if you can manage that, it's worth it to have separate spaces. Since visits are more costly this way- they may have to be less frequent- that is OK too.

What I noticed in this post was that 15years was feeling pressured.  If a pwBPD is having conflict with their own friend, it would be their own issue to deal with.

There are different reasons for the pressure. One is if the conflict is with a mutual friend or family member. How to have a relationship with this other person that the pwBPD is having conflict with, whether or not to explain, or what to do or say to maintain that relationship with the other person if at all possible.

The other person also has their own choices or feelings- what do they choose to do in this situation.