Hi there,

I'm sorry you had a traumatic childhood, but you seem to have healed for the most part, whereas your sister, probably not so much.  I actually think it was a good thing you missed her email, because by now you have seen that by not responding to the email at all, your sister eventually came around and pretended she never sent the email in the first place!  In my opinion, that's probably the best possible outcome for someone with untreated BPD.  You can go ahead and pretend that she never sent it either.

Now, you're still reeling from your sister's words, which were probably meant to hurt you in the moment.  It's very possible your sister was projecting her general discontent your way because other things in your sister's life weren't going the way she wanted.    The pwBPD in my life will do this often--send mean, accusatory texts to loved ones, bemoaning "abusive" and unsupportive behavior, often dredging up incidents from a vast repository of perceived wrongs.  The accusations do indeed seem "ridiculous," because her reasoning is highly distorted, and fact patterns don't align.  Notwendy calls this a pink elephant accusation, which is easier not to take to heart; another wise poster on these boards sees these accusations as cricket balls whizzing by.  My approach has been to treat these tirades as spam, because they are spam!  I try not to dignify them with a response; rather, I take them as a sign that the pwBPD is under a lot of stress.  With the passage of time, she'll pretend like she never sent those mean messages in the first place.

Eventually, weeks or months later, I typically find out what was really going on in the life of my pwBPD which sent her over the edge into a raging hate-fest.  Nine times out of ten, it was a bad decision or action on her part, like quitting something or getting fired, or getting kicked out of her rooming/friend group.  The other times, something didn't go as she wanted.  In other words, her pain and shame were so intense that she felt compelled to cast it outwards towards the people closest to her, even if they had nothing to do with the situation.  Ironically, the people closest to her are precicely the people who care for her most.  It's almost like she's trying to punish herself, to push away absolutely everyone in her life, a misguided, self-punishing coping mechanism disguised as a message-grenade.  I bet your sister feels so ashamed that she doesn't dare mention the email again, at least not to your face.

I guess it's no surprise to me either that your sister studied psychology.  The pwBPD in my life did the same thing.  Maybe it's a way to try to make sense of all their negative thinking patterns?  Maybe they are attracted to listenening to other people's problems, which fuels their unstable emotional life and self-image?  Maybe the study of neuroses makes them feel less alone?

Anyway, it's up to you to decide what level of contact with your sister works best for you.  Maybe avoiding holidays and vacations with her might be the way to go.  I find that pwBPD seem to fare worst during holidays, because their unrealistic expectations (for attention and fun) are never met.  Besides, seeing other joyful people can seem unbearable to a pwBPD, because it's a stark contrast to their general misery, and they seethe with jealousy.  The general stress of a vacation or holiday could simply be too much for them, because pwBPD need a LOT of downtime to manage their negative moods in my opinion.  I might suggest limited contact along the lines that you've already talked about--calling her when it's convenient for you, say once a week or twice a month.  That way, you have an implicit "schedule," and you can deal with her in small doses, when it's least disruptive to you.  If you would like more in-person contact, maybe you try to arrange for one-on-one time, such as a coffee or lunch out.  I find that the pwBPD in my life does better when we arrange for 100% of the attention to be focussed on her in small doses, if she decides to show up.  If she doesn't show up, then that's a sign that she's under stress, and she's giving herself a self-enforced "time out."  My approach is (i) not to take her absence personally and (ii) not to interrupt her time out.  Does that make sense?  That also means not making big plans which require her collaboration.  If she's a "spoiler," then try not to set up higher-stakes situations that she can spoil for YOU.

If you want to know what's bugging your sister, I think you try to read between the lines of her message(s).  One thing stands out to me--she feels "invisible."   That could mean she feels outshined by others, and that she feels inferior.  PwBPD tend to have a weak concept of self-identity and feel extremely insecure.  That could be why they she feels "abandoned" all the time, even when she is surrounded by family.  She may need constant reassurance, which starts to feel impossible to give.  Like you wrote, "How old are we?!?"  Anyway, if you understand what's bugging your sister, you might not take her accusations so personally.  After all, you can't control how she feels on a daily basis.  Only she can do that.

Anyway, I hope you don't feel horrible or guilty.  I know it's really hard to see a loved one struggle with BPD--you could be mourning the loss of a "normal" relationship.  But it's not your fault.  I'd say, you owe it to yourself and your family to enjoy this life you've created.  Please don't let your disordered sister ruin it by making you feel guilty.

Yes, take care of you. I think we forget and are hopeful that our pwBPD is doing better- because we want to. Then, when there's an incident that reminds us they still have BPD, it's disappointing.

I don't believe it's possible to have any control over their perception and feelings. We may not ever be "enough" for them but we can know we are enough.

Take care of yourself, self care helps.

Hi Friends1 and a warm

I hear the effort and strain and exhaustion in your post... It makes sense that you want to do the right and wise thing, yet that can be difficult to figure out. You've had some really positive times with your wife and some really negative times, and you're hearing a lot of advice and suggestions and trying to make sense of a path forward. Anyone would be feeling like this is hard and wondering "is there something wrong with me?" under your circumstances.

Here on the "Bettering A Relationship" board, we do remind members that it is a given that their partners are difficult, and suggestions like "just get away" or leave and don't look back" aren't constructive here. Many of us know, in our own ways, how un-simple BPD relationships can be. It takes patience, grounded ness, and being centered, to see our options clearly.

We also know that people stay in BPD relationships for any number of reasons, which could be financial, familial (kids), nostalgic, religious/spiritual, or deeply personal. We're here to walk with you, whatever you choose.

...

Your safety is important, too. Can you remind me, are you still seeing a counselor/therapist of your own?

I may have missed it -- are you and your W living separately at this time? If so, do you have any in person interaction (weekly meetups etc)? Is a professional refereeing your separation or are you two navigating it on your own?

I ask because you and your W didn't get here overnight. You've built patterns over many years that will take time to change. Getting a neutral third party professional can help bring an outside perspective to getting out of those ruts.

This won't be easy, and your safety is important in this process, and, it makes sense that you want to try to repair things.

Fill us in on more of your story, whenever you get the chance -- we'll be here.

Thanks for your support Not Wendy.  I am pretty sure she's over it, as we've had many positive interactions, visits, etc.,  since then and she hasn't mentioned anything.  I guess I was just reacting to the realization that she is still not well, even though she has reduced a lot of her bpd behaviours and has seemed much more settled in the past few years. I am tired of trying to make it up to her for what she perceives as me being the golden child. I can't fix it or change it now and I'm getting too old for this.

It's not that I feel bad for missing her email...it happens. And her accusations about not ever contacting her since the pandemic are ridiculous and untrue. It just still feels shocking to be on the receiving end of someone else's emotional reasoning...she believed it to be true because that was how she was feeling that day.  I guess I need to be aware of my own emotional reasoning...It felt like a crisis when I read the email, but actually it was not.  Maybe my reaction is a sign I need to focus on my own mental health...I've been neglecting all the self-care I've learned in therapy since December between work, Christmas and various family crises.

I went through a lot.  I eventually did see a counselor for help understanding if I was part of the problem and what way was up.  I didn't want to walk away from a marriage - as unhappy as I was, and as isolating and dysfunctional as it was - without someone validating that for me.  This was my own problem though; I was not confident in my judgment, and didn't stand up for myself at critical times.  I viewed standing up & being assertive as aggressive, and felt it was not proper or acceptable to do that, but I now see that you can and must stand up for yourself, without worrying about how people perceive it.  And you don't have to do it aggressively, and angrily.  You can point things out and remain calm.  If the other person escalates, well, then you evaluate you options and choose how to respond.

Of course manipulative people will portray all your actions in a bad light, (and their actions as impeccable and justified), which is why you have to be prepared to walk away. 

I recently saw some comments from a mathematician who was debating someone else, and pointed out how unprofessional and flawed their reasoning was, and then said "If I had a person in real life try to discuss something with me like this, I would just stop talking to them."

Unfortunately, it's that way with BPDers... there's no basic trust, and therefore no real communication with them.  Everything is seen and felt through their distorted world view, and warped by their own selfish interests.  There are really only two possible outcomes with them: 1) you accept their worldview as true and give in to all their demands, regardless of how you feel and think, or 2) you leave. 

With better boundaries and understanding, you can avoid these relationships in the first place, but alas, a lot of people don't have that, and don't gain it until they go through hell like this and have the sense to try to understand it and stand up for themselves.

This is good.  I hope to see more of this, along with a better understanding of these situations among religiously-based counselors. 

Like I said, I've read too many accounts here of people remaining in dysfunctional relationships because they view marriage as a sacred vow.  And in a sense it is, and should be.  But we enter into marriage with certain assumptions in place, namely that our spouse will treat us fairly and equally, and there will be mutual respect and trust.  When someone has a behavioral disorder though, this is not possible.

It's like buying a car because the seller tells you it's driveable.  Then you buy it and discover it doesn't have an engine.  They say "we have a contract, and you have to honor it.  and it is driveable, you just need to put an engine in first" and you say "Well... he's right.  I guess this is my obligation."  So it is in marriage to a BPDer.  You enter into it, and maybe you've seen some red flags, or maybe not, but they tell you all the problems that you encounter together are happening because of you, and if you just learn to treat them better, love them enough, or give them exactly what they want, things will improve.  And of course they don't.  Then they need more.  You're in a relationship with a bottomless pit, and nothing will ever be enough, because the problem is entirely in their head, and there's nothing you can do to fix it; it's up to them. 

Yes @badknees1 , blaming us for wasting their life is what they do, but it's such an irony, because it's the other way around. Our life would be just fine if we had a normal wife. I wonder if that's just a projection, but I'm not sure if they understand how it feels to be their partner.

In my first two relationships, when I finally got worn out of them, they blamed me for having "robbed their youth." I think part of what keeps them going into the same patterns of behavior instead of looking to themselves is the illusion that they are able to maintain a healthy relationship. They aren't. Unless they get serious help and successfully use techniques to hold it together.

But here is one thing that has called my attention in your post. You said "I became the ultimate co dependent spouse." I hope you are aware that the other person can't create that. All they can do is exacerbate your perception of your weaknesses and use them to hurt you. And everyone has weaknesses, but over time you can improve and drastically reduce them. I have done that, and today I definitely do not feel at all the weaknesses that I had in my youth. I was relatively strong emotionally if compared to others of my age, but still quite weak when compared to how I am now.

It seems like you have done a lot of personal work to overcome your family upbringing, and that's great. Also, you can see that your sister has continued her behaviors. You can determine how much of a relationship to have with her. There are posters here who have gone LC or NC depending on the situation. LC is more doable when you are mutually connected to other family members and would be together at holidays and family events but still, you determine the closeness and frequency of interactions.

I would not recommend confronting your sister with being accountable. You can see she doesn't respond well to that. Boundaries determine your actions. If you live with her, it's harder to control having to interact with her but if you don't- you just decrease it or stop it, your choice. Being siblings doesn't obligate you to tolerate being treated poorly.

It's hard as we wish for a better relationship with a family member but since BPD affects relationships, sometimes that isn't possible to achieve. We do the best we can with it- but we also can protect our own emotional well being from this situation.

It's understandable that we feel badly over these accusations but in perspective- it's human to sometimes miss an email. If we don't hear from someone, we assume that and send another.

For someone with BPD, who feels in victim perspective- that small error that had no bad intent, somehow becomes "evidence" for neglecting them. But that isn't true about you.

It felt demoralizing when my BPD mother would do this- assume some bad intent over what was a minor error or even somehow a good intention. However, we can not control someone else's feelings or thinking.

A counselor helped me to deal with this by substituting something absurd for the accusation. If you got an email saying you were a pink elephant - would you feel bad? I think you'd probably think that was strange but you know it's not true.

You have some choices here. One is to just let it go. It was in May and she may have moved on from it. You can go LC- decrease the frequency of contact- if it feels safer for you, or even NC but that may be difficult if you are still connected to family members with her. Either way you can also reply to that email with an apology that would fit the "error" - not make it into something bigger- "Hi sister, I found this email and realized I didn't see it before. I apologize for not replying sooner. Love, Sis" but that may also trigger a dramatic reply that you don't want to get into. It's up to you, and if you feel better with an apology for not replying- do that but you are not responsible for how she felt about it and don't need to get into a big drama over it.

Another pattern with the more extremes of pwBPD is that we lose a sense of ourselves and our worth.  By that I mean that we find it hard to defend our right to privacy and confidentiality in the face of intense Extinction Bursts meant to get us to retreat back to prior appeasing or compliant patterns.

You have a right to balanced privacy and confidentiality.  Too often we forget it on those late night interrogations demanding that we confess to what horrible persons we are.

While you do share everyday normal stuff such as parenting decisions, you should not sacrifice yourself on the belief that you must share everything.  Full disclosures - and even our otherwise excellent quality of total super-fairness - must be tempered with reality.  What reality?  The reality is that a pwBPD often will not respect our decisions and almost surely will sabotage us if we share that we are pondering an exit.