You make good points about how structure and accountability matter, and how BPD can affect both work and home tasks. It’s also hard to tell the difference between supporting someone and enabling them. I agree that motivation can change a lot when there’s no financial pressure.

absolutely. I fully understand this now. Years ago I was so confused: she obviously knew something wasn't right which is why medications and therapy were sought. The intent to want to change just wasn't there. And from what I was told about her therapy sessions, all she was told was I was toxic and abusive (given one sided stories with zero context of course). She did admit that her rages and screaming/insults were not ok, but justified that by saying that's how she always argued, and that it was worse in childhood with endless physical altercations. It just bugged me that someone could name the issues one by one and still not change that behavior. Add in excessive amounts of thc edibles daily, and I'm not sure she even knew what was going on most times and just went into fight mode as a default.

Yup!  The first round of holidays are the worst   My daughter, oddly, paired up with my sister, so, that is a balm in the wound, because we are not welcome there, due to a Covid issue 5 years ago (long story) so....the Holidays are a sad affair; in any case, my close set of friends know the situation, however, I tell others "she is fine"

Although BPD mother didn't do a lot for holidays, she occasionally would have parties. While she struggled with some tasks, she was good at planning events. In general, these were good ones, and we have good memories and pictures from them. What I discovered is that they had to be a certain way.

BPD mother was planning one during the time my aging father was ill and it became apparent, this would be too much of a strain for him. At the time, we kids were not aware of the dynamics with BPD, and the Karpman triangle dynamics which prevailed in our family. We naively stepped in to "rescue" Dad and scale down the party- smaller and more manageable for him.

You would have thought we had committed a heinous crime. BPD mother was angry. We kids took care of the food and details while BPD mother raged. She remained angry the whole time. We realized that our attempt to make things easier seemed to make things worse.

My BPD mother had a large emotional need to be in control- and this may be an aspect of why when it comes to celebrations, our mothers with BPD are so insistent on things being a certain way and why changes lead to extreme reactions. 

Treatment for mental illness is not like treatment for a broken leg.  There's not a set process to fix things (reset the bone, set a hard cast, wait 4-6 weeks, etc). 

This is an illness/injury of the mind, so the only way to actually heal is by someone mentally choosing that.  Take an alcoholic, for example, that's a psychological addiction just as much as it's a physical one.  If the alcoholic says, "I don't have a problem," then there's literally zero cure except for tying them to a bed for a few weeks.  But even then, once you release them they'll probably get drunk.

Your ex couldn't face that her conflicts came from within, so no amount of drugs or therapy can make a difference.  Like the alcoholic, she didn't see the full problem and that's the only way things can actually change.  Don't get it wrong though- the drugs didn't fail...or the therapist...or the psychiatrist or psychologist.  The process failed because the most important factor (admitting a problem and facing it) wasn't met.

Oh no- that is so sad. I think on the part of your mother- it was oversight- not being malicious but insensitive and not aware. That your mother assumed your middle daughter wouldn't mind may have been her projection, not being in tune with the child's feelings.

With my BPD mother, it seems there were incidents of where she was insensitive, not in tune, with the impact of her behavior. While one could not call this outright abusive or mean- it's still noticeable.

Don't blame yourself for what you didn't know at the time. Some of these actions can be very subtle. When we grow up with these dynamics- these are the only "normal" we know. One difference is that your children have you as their mother and also- your daughter can express her feelings to you and feel safe and validated. I found that my BPD mother's behavior didn't have the same impact on my children that it had on me- she was not their mother. I was still protective of them and had boundaries.

I understand wanting to protect your daughter from feeling any discrimination if this is the situation with your BPD mother.

When we visited the US for Christmas, my mother would take pride in buying identical fancy, sparkly holiday dresses for her granddaughters, who then had to pose in different ways all around the tree. The photos are adorable ... some of the granddaughters were more accepting of this ritual than others (there's a four year age span). One Christmas, my mother took me aside in the garage and explained that she had managed to source identical dolls for almost all the granddaughters, but was short just one - she had a doll, but it was significantly different than the others. "I thought I would give this to XXX (my daughter) because she won't make a fuss about it being different." 
I was pleased my mother recognised the maturity of my daughter (she wasn't the oldest, she was right in the middle in age) so I agreed that it would be perfectly fine.
Cue many more photos with the girls holding their dolls - my daughter in the middle with a different one.
Many years later, my daughter told me that she was really hurt that her doll was different (at the time she said nothing - she was about six years old). She already felt less included as 'not American' and 'not native English speaking' and this underlined it to her, made her feel more of an outsider.
I felt terrible that I allowed my daughter to be singled out that way. I had been hoodwinked into believing 'parentification' was flattery. I realised there was a pattern there, of expecting more of me, and consequently more of my daughter. Obviously, given my Mom's volatility about Christmas, I wasn't going to make things harder for her at the time by insisting she go out and source an identical doll for my daughter, although I'm not sure she tried that hard anyways. Her words, "We looked EVERYWHERE, but Costco didn't have it."

Hi, My son turned 45 yesterday.- this has been a long painful road and I have been trying to do, say, buy, help, sacrifice, love .... my adult son to a better place emotionally.  I'm tired and my anxiety is over the top. I'm scared to set limits, I'm scared of how far he'll fall, scared of his raging at me. Feeling guilty that I've failed him. Sometimes I feel manipulated but I'm not sure. I've been in a spin cycle and a part of me really wants off. As far as I know my son hasn't been officially diagnosed with bpd but he fits many of the criteria. He is in intense pain and talks suicide more than I want to hear. He's seen therapists off and on over the years. He spent 2 weeks in a facility after a suicide threat after a divorce.  He blames me for that stay. He says he was fine. Anyway, thank you all for being here. I'm sorry you've lived this. I don't burden sisters and other family talking about this. I think it's too much for people. It feels too much for me too. BTW, he isn't in treatment,  I've recently started therapy. Thank you

Thank you so much, Pook075, Zachira, and NotWendy. Connecting and hearing from all of you truly means a great deal. Each of you offered support and insight during a time when I felt overwhelmed, and I am grateful for the guidance you shared.

Pook075, your calm, steady way of looking at things helped me slow down and question my impulses, especially the instinct to reach out when emotions got stirred up. Your reminder to pause and ask, “Is this really necessary” will save me from slipping back into old patterns. And yes, the puppy has added so much light to my life. Thank you for your encouragement and kindness.

Zachira, I want to especially acknowledge how deeply your story and perspective impacted me. Your situation with your sister echoed mine so closely that I often felt you were putting words to emotions I could barely articulate. Thank you for lighting the path for me, and I am sure for so many others. The way you described the grief, the missing, and the clarity that no contact can bring helped me see my own path with less guilt and more compassion. Your honesty gave me strength when I needed it most, and I am profoundly grateful for that. I also think of you often and hope you continue to find peace in the boundaries you have set.

NotWendy, I want to extend my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your mother. When I last posted here, she was still alive, and hearing of her passing surfaces complex emotions for the grieving journey you are on. Thank you for sharing your experience with her final days and for modeling how to process such layered grief with honesty and courage. Your insights helped me understand the dynamics in my own family in a clearer light.

Thank you all for being part of my journey and for offering wisdom during a time when I needed it more than I realized. Your compassion and your stories helped me find steadiness, and I am truly grateful. Sending warmth and appreciation to each of you as we continue to protect our peace and move toward healing.

I should clarify- NC with your sister- not your mother (we can't go back and edit).