Hello and welcome to the family.  I can completely relate with your journey and my BPD/bi-polar daughter was in that exact scenario approximately 13 years ago (she's almost 27 now).

First off, yes, the in-house treatment programs for teens is like going to a sleepaway camp.  That drove me nuts as well, and my kid would come home with all new best friends (who would eventually lead her to her next spiral as the others became suicidal).  She would steal cars to drive across the state to save others, she would run away from home, the list of behaviors were endless.

My kid was also super smart, low genius IQ.  In 7th grade, she scored in the top .1% nationwide in math for the standardized testing.  It was the highest score ever in our state, yet she got a "D" in math that year.  She deserved an "F" but they had pity on her because that's when all the in-house stuff started.

For the "this is the best place ever!!!" comments...that's only a partial truth.  Your kid is learning manipulation and she'd never tell you that she doesn't want to be there.  Why?  Because she can't let you win!  Those places are really nice though and it's necessary by law and to build rapport with the specialists.

Additionally, what's actually wrong...they don't diagnose most mental illnesses in the US for kids under 18.  That's because once it's on a chart, it never goes away, and a lot of it is juvenile rebellion.  Still, the longer she's in places like that, the sooner you'll get an unofficial diagnosis.  So it's a game you must play.

For my BPD daughter, the pattern was that she'd get down, be institutionalized, and meet others in the same boat as her.  They'd bond over commonality and develop super-deep connections, and the mirroring was also common.  Once something happened to one though, the others would go into crisis mode right alongside them because they'd have to "save each other".  But then they'd backstab one another and that's another round of treatment needed as they reeled from the betrayal.

The in-house facilities for teens are horrible...yet they're your best option by a longshot.  The only other path is finding a local therapist your kid really connects with.

Again, I'm so sorry to hear someone else is going through what I went through...I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  You have to play the game though because there's no other option.

I am so glad I reached out to the folks here, you have no idea how helpful your supportive, knowledgeable, and enlightened comments are. Well, probably you do! I feel less alone and that is everything to me right now. Thank you so much. I want to carefully review some of these questions later after a work deadline I have today. I have been hiding out at a friend's house since last night. I let he know I would not be coming home last night and also let he know I was blocking her texts because she was continuing to send abusive and blaming texts to me. Again, thank you and I will be back on with more information and seeking help. I feel embarrassed and defeated, but I can see so many of you have felt those things and perservered in difficult situations. Again, thank you and I'll be back later

Hello and welcome.  I went through something similar with my BPD daughter, who would frequently stop taking her meds or find ways to self-medicate.

First off, of course she is blaming you- that's what BPDs do.  If it's not your fault, then who's fault is it?  Because in her mind, it can't be her fault because that would mean there could potentially be something wrong that she has to work on.  So she's clearly going to blame you.

And truthfully, in this one instance, it is your fault.  You made an adult decision about some very powerful meds and your decision was correct.  Why shy away from that?  You did what's in her best interests because she wouldn't do it herself.

For the last line, you just wanting to help her, go back to the 2nd paragraph one more time.  She blames you because she can't accept that there's a problem to begin with.  That's the real problem here, the untreated mental illness, and there's not a single thing you can do in this world to "help her" choose to take therapy seriously.

Honestly, the best thing you can do for her is allow her to make her own decisions, her own mistakes, and then to live with the consequences herself.  Every time you rush in to save her, that tells her disordered mind that you're helping because it's all your fault.  And that thinking enables her to make even worse decisions in the future.

Hello and welcome back!

You've been busy the past few years and I'm sorry you're struggling.  It really sounds like you need to find yourself and define your life outside a relationship.

So what are some of your hobbies...or how do you spend your free time?  Let's start looking for your identity, or give you direction on where to find it.

I’ve always been amazed at how my SO can unload on me and five seconds later talk to someone else without any evidence that they’re upset.  Meanwhile it takes me an hour to calm down from it. 

One time my SO did something horrible and my words back to them and my reaction, which was as cold as I think I’ve ever been caught them off guard.  In the space of a few minutes I watched my SO give a master class in emotional changes like they were trying to find something I would react to.  It was fascinating, but also scary, because it was like none of their emotions were real, it was just a response looking to harm me. 

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're in this position and I can relate to a lot of what you shared.  My experiences weren't nearly as bad (in terms of projection) but I did get hit from both sides since my ex-wife was BPD and so was our oldest daughter.

A BPDs biggest fear is abandonment and when they're dysregulated, literally anything could be concrete proof in their minds that you're out to hurt them.  And like you, I'd try to tote the line, participate in the circular arguments that never went anywhere, and put up with constant judgement from friends and family because of something that was said.

For instance, my ex's parents are highly religious and against alcohol.  My ex had some wine coolers with a friend one night, the parents showed up unexpectedly, and they were told the alcohol was mine.  But as time passed, somehow I became an abusive drunk and her church was praying for me...all off one lie that led to disordered thinking and dozens of other lies. 

Stuff like this was so common and it ate at me- I rarely ever drank and I was never abusive.  Yet everyone had this entirely different picture of me.

What I've learned over the years is that you can't let stuff like that fester, and you can't pretend it's not there either.  You must face it head-on and clearly say, this is not okay.  It will lead to an argument and it will make things worse for the short term...but look how bad it already is in your home.  I mean, you're writing current event essays on your wife's paranoia.  Can you see why that wouldn't be healthy for anyone?

Have you refused to go through her "tests"?  How did she react?

Regarding marriage counseling, I’m curious if it’s actually worked for everyone.  My SO sees the counselor as on my side each time we go and says I know how to talk better than they do so they take my side. 

That's absolutely horrific and I couldn't imagine.  For over a decade, I didn't fight with my BPD ex-wife at all; I simply refused to and it kept the home quiet.  But if something happened to one of our kids and she didn't respond? 

OMG, that was world-changing in my mind and I'd absolutely lose it.

Plain and simple, you don't mess with my kids or my grandkids.  Do whatever you want to me, that's fine.  But somebody puts a child in danger?!?  That's one of the rare occasions I just can't control my temper.

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My uBPD wife of over 30 years has had a steady escalation of BPD symptoms since I retired almost 10 years ago and we moved across the country to a place we mutually selected and still enjoy. She has reinterpreted our entire marriage and now says I was abusive, controlling, and narcissistic. She has wasted her talents as a mostly stay-at-home Mom, and has lost her identity. For the first 15 or more years of our marriage we celebrated our wedding anniversary, exchanged affectionate cards and notes, and felt very close, despite episodes of sudden emotional dysregulation which gradually escalated and became more frequent. These were without exception initiated by her due to something I said or did, and I have always been 100% to blame.

I could say much more, but I’d like to cut directly to my topic. My wife spends hours every day watching reels, listening to podcasts (many generated by AI), watching YouTube videos, reading blogs, articles by self-proclaimed experts, and Facebook posts about narcissism, coercive control, cheating (I’ve never come remotely close to cheating, but a friendly greeting spoken to a woman in passing, or a second quick glance at a very attractive woman without any eye contact drives her insane, and she never forgives), uncommitted husbands, betrayals, triangulation, gaslighting (she still gets the definition wrong), and much more. Then she sits me down for hours and discusses these articles with me. We often have to listen or watch a lengthy program and discuss it, all while she is very dysregulated. Frequently, she asks me to journal on the topic of the day, and I will write an essay and try to understand her viewpoint and then we talk about what I’ve written. To the best of my ability I use tools I’ve learned from my  therapist, as well as many good things I’ve learned on this website, and especially try not to JADE. 

Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like she gets on a topic, and AI keeps feeding her more and more and more of the same topic. She goes down a rabbit hole and gets very depressed and very blaming of me. This will go on for several weeks, and then she’ll change topics and go down another rabbit hole, followed by another rabbit hole. Years go by.  It seems like she’s trying to force me to take all of the blame. I am pretty conflict averse, and can be pretty wimpy when she is attacking me, which is quite frequent. It is very depressing to me, and I’m trying my best to understand what is true in her assertions, make changes, and ignore the majority of it, which is not true. I cannot tell her not to pay attention to these things, but I have told her that she may be going down the rabbit hole and really getting overly influenced by material of dubious quality. I state this as diplomatically as I can. My stress level is very high, and I sleep very poorly, often lying awake for hours at night, unable to sleep due to the stress of the conflict.

Again, has anyone else experienced this? How do I cope? I can’t tell her she can’t look at these things, but I feel it is really poisoning our relationship. She is threatening divorce frequently. But some days, things are fine. It’s like nothing ever happened. If I say that it sounds like she’s wanting to end the marriage, she freaks out and says “don’t put words in my mouth - that’s what you want to do.” Any wisdom or insight would be greatly appreciated.