Hi Upsetmom2
Years ago I thought that if my DD saw my tears and anguish she would realize the effect of her terrible words. Not so. I didn’t understand BPD then and the fact that anything that triggers that they are to blame for something will be blocked at the very least, because it is too painful – my DD is low-functioning so therapy not helpful.

So from my experience I wouldn’t show her your pain. I goes against the grain I know but so much does when dealing with BPD.

The thing I am trying to get my head around is why your DD has not been proactive in dealing with her inheritance? Also from my experience, some with the condition would be very active in dealing with it.

Your DD has lived independently for 10 years I gather – is that correct?  Did you have much contact during that time and if so, what was that like? I have a few questions – hope you don’t mind.

Do you know if your DD has used drugs at all or do you think she may be using them now? My DD is atm and her pattern is going off staying with friends for a few days then back home and sleeping for days.

Has your DD has a history of depression? BPD can have different comorbidities and if the sleeping pattern is not related to substance use, it could be that DD is very depressed. I understand completely that grief is in there, but the inability to do any of the things that need to be done does seem to me like significant depression.

Where from here?

The first thing in my opinion is how to gather some strength yourself. The verbal abuse is like a knife going through one, and to ignore is easier said than done. I used to ‘hear’ the words, but I don’t now. It makes it easier to think of it in terms of a cornered, wild kitten – their reaction is hissing and spitting and making huge noise. When the words flow it is a defence mechanism against the pain the BPD person is experiencing. If you are the target of blame then it will be hurled at you. Try to practice  letting the words fly past you.

The other thing that supports me is the mantra ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’. Believe it or not I found myself using this the other day when I realized my anxiety was off the scale. It’s really helpful for me.

Do you know if there is a time limit on doing all that needs to be done for the estate process?  Perhaps find out information about what happens in these circumstances ie can the court appoint someone else to transfer the estate.

It is only a short while and both of you are grieving I know. But it is important for you to feel that you are not being totally submerged in this situation so I think you need to feel more in control.

I have asked enough questions for one day! I think the steps to take control could depend on the answers to the ones above!

Thinking of you in this really awful situation.

Hi CC43,

This is not about having her support. I never actually felt like my partner's support was important to my career or financial health in any of my relationships. A nice partner can make me feel good and provide a structured environment, which is positive for my progress (may contribute indirectly), but when BPD behaviors set in, it's the other way around.

My only option to "make it happen" is to move out and cut off the energy supply, which would immediately force her out as well. That's radical and has a few negative aspects. To minimize those negative aspects, I have planned a "smart move" in which I would just trick her out and then return silently. It's an infallible plan. But honestly, I find myself having a lot of resistance in following this route. My resistance is due to my lack of energy and motivation, but also because this is not a friendly solution.

Hi Mom,

I'm really sorry for your loss.  Both of you must be reeling.  It's hard not to feel grief, but grief isn't an excuse to become a freeloader and treat you and your home poorly.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter about your daughter's age.  Like your daughter, she has tried living on her own.  But in my stepdaughter's case, she's failed at living on her own several times and has rebounded to my house (with her dad) for most of her adult life.  The "deal" we have with her is that to live with us, she has to be nice, clean up after herself and be on a path to working or studying full-time.  She simply has never been able to keep up her side of the bargain while living with me.  I think the SHAME of not being able to keep up her side of the bargain culminates in bad behavior, lashings out and storming out.  I try not to take it personally, though I do have some built-up resentment, because I don't like living with her, and I don't like her attitude most of the time.  The negativity in the house when she's around ends up being toxic.

Anyway, she's actually surprised me.  I know she doesn't like living with us becuase she feels inadequate and guilty.  But when she has been forced to fend for herself, sometimes she has proven to us (and mostly to herself) how resourceful she can be.  She has done some house-sitting.  She has found some roommates.  She has found various jobs.  Though she doesn't like them and sometimes gets fired/not enough shifts, there are loads of jobs out there, she can find another one.

I might be weird, but for me, I can tolerate a bad mood, as long as my stepdaughter is doing what she's supposed to be doing, e.g. cleaning up after herself, working diligently at her job and saving up some money to move out.  What bothers me most is when she sleeps the day away, consumes illicit substances, lives like a slob and doesn't help out one bit.  Why?  Because that means she's hopeless, off track, not committing to therapy, not trying, and with no plans to become more independent and self-sufficient, while blaming others for all her problems.

I think you need to hold firm boundaries.  It's your house and your life.  She's a GUEST, and it's your choice if you let her stay with you.  If she does stay with you, she needs to be a proper guest:  caring for the environment, respecting your space, being kind, and contributing--helping with rent, chores, upkeep, whatever works best for you.  If not, she can leave.

You can't fix it. I would tell her that unless she goes through a whole dialectic behavior therapy program, she will have to leave your house. She is 28, so you don't need to look after her anymore. In fact, you may have to cut her out of your life if it gets too bad. That's what I would do with my bpd daughter if it weren't for the fact that I desperately love and want to see my grandchildren.

I think this is not surprising.  you're a decent, non-disordered person, and can put your personal feelings aside to respond to a crisis.  pwBPD can't do that. 

I remember when my daughter was around 1 1/2, BPDxw left her in the attic alone, apparently because she was "mad" at our daughter for not coming when she told her to.  At least that was her story. 

Our attic was finished and we used it as a guest bedroom, but it was NOT childproof, and there were any number of ways our daughter could have seriously injured herself.

In the event, she picked up a glass vase, and fell down the stairs with it, cutting herself badly.  She needed to be rushed to the hospital to close her wounds and get stitches... and she called our babysitter to help with that, since BPDxw was apparently in panic mode and couldn't function.

I heard the news from our babysitter while I was at work.

when I got home that day, I had to change D's bandages out, because BPDXW "couldn't handle seeing blood."  Her biggest concern was of course herself: she was upset that now people would think she was a bad mom.  I had to reassure her accidents happen, and our daughter would be okay.

But I wanted to say "YEA YOU ARE A BAD MOM, WTF WERE YOU THINKING?!?"

Hi Super,

I'm not familiar with your story, but I am familiar with BPD, both treated and untreated.  My view is that with untreated BPD, emotions and expectations are volatile.  At the end of the day, I think pwBPD are unreliable.  I don't intend that to be mean, but rather realistic and practical.  They can say all sorts of things in a moment, but their emotional resources are always extremely taxed, and they change their mind easily.  Even if they theoretically want something, mustering the resources to actually follow through is another matter entirely.  Like you said, she'll have a tendency to see all the negative aspects and discount the positives, as she's wired that way.

In short, intentions don't usually correspond with actions when it comes to BPD in my opinion.  That may seem like behavior which is mercurial, flaky, mean-spirited, avoidant, hesitant, lazy or self-sabotaging.  Whatever the reason, the pattern is usually predictable:  she's all talk, no action.  She has minimal tolerance for stress or discomfort.  So I guess my advice is, if you want something important done--to earn more money, to have a peaceful home, to protect the kids, whatever--then you have to make it happen.  If your wife supports you from time to time on achieving those goals, then that's gravy.  But if you rely on her collaboration, you're probably going to be disappointed, because she just doesn't (can't? won't?) follow through.  Big changes usually take vision, planning, mental toughness, delayed gratification and concerted, consistent effort.  Are those traits your spouse possesses?  My guess is probably not.  Sure, she might be able to contribute in her own way, just on a much smaller scale, less consistently, only when she feels like it and isn't hating everybody.  I think you need to be realistic and plan around that.

Just my two cents.

Well, it seems like I was a bit naive. She is already backing out of our agreement.

She said she had not thought about it properly, added more complaints about the problems of her mom's house, and called me selfish again. Later, in different instances, she approached me in a cute and loving manner, asking me to give up on this.

This attitude may seem like progress. However, the next day she is throwing objects at me again.

I need some advice specifically on medication.

My pwBPD decided to go off of her anti depressant over the holiday but still stay on benzo. I asked her if she was working with her doctor which she said she was not, and I pressed to say that it seemed dangerous to do this alone and without advice, and she returned with my body my choice. Once she did get in to see her doctor, they won't prescribe her benzos without an antidepressant. She is now blaming me pretty intensely for pressing her. For her taking my advice and seeing her doctor. I don't know what to do. I have been through med changes with her before and it can be pretty scary. I just want to help and because she is blaming me for going to her doctor in the first place, she won't let me. Any advice?

Hi ursa,

I'm in a similar circumstance, with an adult stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD.  I married her dad around the time that she graduated from high school (pre diagnosis), so I didn't feel responsible for (or guilty about) her upbringing, and I wasn't directly financially responsible for her.  However, over the years, her dad has bailed out his BPD daughter multiple times, and we certainly felt the financial and intense emotional strain from that.  Like your situation, my BPD stepdaughter would quit college and then change up her living situation, 100% financed and co-signed by her dad (and indirectly me), though I wasn't really allowed input about how to respond or what sort of financial support to provide.  Unfortunately, we have lost tens of thousands of dollars between tuition for uncompleted college work, abandoned housing, moving logistics, hospital bills, unattended therapy sessions and other living expenses.  We've also cancelled pre-paid vacations, delayed retirement and lived numerous months on suicide watch.  Though I toughed it out, there were times I felt used and abused.  By now, we're just sick of living around dysfunction, as most of the relationships in the extended family are strained.  Siblings can't help but feel some resentment, either, as financial resources have been channeled towards their dysfunctional sister.  It's sad, but the record shows that dysfunction has been rewarded with significant money and attention.  And I'm generally upset at how poorly my BPD stepdaughter has treated my husband.  She hasn't treated me kindly either, but I haven't taken that personally, so it doesn't hurt too much.

Perhaps it goes without saying that our marriage was strained from all the stress.  I think my husband ultimately felt powerless, because nothing he did seemed to help his daughter.  To me it was clear he was operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  In fact, as the years dragged on, she only seemed to get worse, because as her adult freedoms (and pressures) increased, her poor decisions had bigger and bigger consequences.  But here's the thing:  she wasn't really the one to face the consequences of her decisions; her dad and I were, since her dad was determined to rescue her, in the name of keeping her alive!  With BPD, oftentimes the choice appears to be a rescue or letting a daughter live on the streets--it's extremely hard for a parent to permit that.  And since my husband felt things were spinning out of control, his way of coping was to try to control ME.  He tried to impose curfews, went into rages if I answered/looked at my phone, forbade me from spending time with any friends and treated me like a household servant (but not nicely).  He'd literally scream at me if I dared to cough, sigh by mistake or sit in a manner he found objecitonable.  In short, there were all sorts of strict rules he tried to impose on ME, whereas his daughter could do anything she wanted whenever she wanted.  I think this behavior was basically a trauma response, as well as a manifestation of his unease about his BPD daughter's poor behavior.  I think the only reason I was able to keep things together in this period was to understand that--he was having a trauma response, and he was acting out of love for his daughter, even his choices were ineffectual in the end.  He didn't give up, he really tried, but the stress of it all was mostly directed my way.  I coped mainly by taking lots of walks, and trying to remain as calm as possible.  When my stepdaughter and her dad were emotionally charged, I tried to give them time outs to calm down.  I wasn't perfect, and yes sometimes I'd snap back when I was yelled at.  But I think I read the situations better now and try to temper my emotional reaction, so as not to add any fuel to the emotional fire.

I guess that my main regret is my husband enabling his daughter's dysfunction for as long as he did.  By the same token, I know he bailed her out and spent so much money, out of love, but mixed with a healthy dose of guilt and fear.  He wanted to save her, to fix her.  And maybe he did, ultimately by helping her get the professional help she needed.  But I can't help but wonder if the repeated bail-outs were enablement which only prolongued and worsened the dysfunction.  You see, in her world, the incentives were all mixed up.  Quit school?  Upgrade to a fancier apartment, no pesky roommates and no schoolwork!  Let her keep the tuition money to spend on spring breaks, entertainment and illicit substances!  Can't find work?  Live with her dad and me, on a long-term vacation, rent-free with no chores or responsibilities, while treating everyone like crap.  Scream and throw tantrums?  Her dad gives into her demands, in the name of keeping her stable.  My guess is that this will sound familiar to you and many parents here, as they navigate the thin line between supporting and enabling. 

My advice is for your husband not to enable his kid to be NEETT--Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy.  My stepdaughter was allowed to be NEETT for far too long in my opinion.  At first it feels like a vacation, but before long, not doing anything starts to feel like BEING nothing.  If your stepdaughter insists she's an adult, she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants, she's correct, but YOU don't have to pay for it, and your husband shouldn't either.  If she's getting ANY support from you, I think she should not be NEETT.  By the way, if your daughter reminds you over and over again that she's an adult, she can do whatever she wants, to me that's a sign that reality is the opposite.  You see, this notion is bothering her so much that it comes out frequently in conversation.  Anyway, since you're the stepmom, it sounds like you're not the decision-maker, and I'm not either.  What I try to do is to nudge my husband and show him that what's most important is for his daughter to get the help she needs, and for her to stay ON TRACK towards creating an independent life for herself.  Sure she'll have setbacks, but we need to ensure that if she's getting help from us, she's doing what she's supposed to be doing.  Maybe that's school, maybe that's work, maybe that's volunteering while getting therapy and helping out at home.  Otherwise we're enabling dysfunction, which isn't good for her, or us.

My other advice is to think in terms of baby steps.  There's no magic pill for BPD (though medications can help with anxiety or depression), and changing one's thinking and emotional control takes a lot of therapy and effort.  It may be that your stepdaughter's number one focus should be therapy for a time.  If her life looks really dysfunctional, then expecting her to live independently, enroll in college full-time, handle a full-time work and/or enter an intense romantic relationship is actually setting her up to fail.  I'd advise not to spend a lot of your effort or money getting her "set up" until she demonstrates she can handle some baby steps first.  For example, if she's thinking about college education, I'd recommend taking an online class or two at first, to prove she can handle it before enrolling full-time.  In my opinion, what's important is being "on track" towards building a more independent life, and that progress in the right direction is more important than speed.  I think one change at a time works better in practice than "setting up" for an entire new life, especially when she has no skin in the game.  All you'd be setting up for is disappointment in my opinion.

You mentioned paranoia as an issue for your stepdaughter.  That was an issue for my stepdaughter too, and I attribute it to daily marijuana use.  As soon as doctors advised her to stop consuming marijuana, she did that and the paranoia stopped being a problem.

My adult daughter (28) was just brutally verbally mean to me and I am so broken by it. I know you are not supposed to take things personally but I am so worn down and desperate. I can't stop crying and I don't know how to respond or what to do. I  just want this nightmare to end for me and I feel guilty about that and not sure how to end it. Background: She is in grief and living with me after being on her own in cities far from here since age 18. She moved back to our town 8 months ago which we thought was temporary to help her dad (we're co-parents but friendly-divorced and live nearby and raised her 50-50 time since age 3.) Well, her dad got sicker and sicker and he died in Sept. It's been tragic for both of us. Since then, she has been sleeping in my TV room  (she has a room of her own here but it is chaotic as she only stuffs more and more things in there) She sleeps all day and refuses to get counseling, or help from the many people who have offered to help her deal with her dad's things. She is non-functional not doing the tasks the lawyer that she hired says are needed to get the estate through probate -- house and everything was all left to her and it's pretty complicated. The utilities have been cut off at her dad's house due to nonpayment, the registration from the car he left her is expired, she let the auto insurance lapse, on and on. I live in the country so a car is important. She's been sharing mine and she trashes it - she ran into something smashing one side and blaming it on someone else who "must have run into her when she was in the store." I am struggling to pay bills and my costs right now are double. I threw my back out over the holidays because our electricity went out due to a broken line for 6 days and we havd to evacuate. I hired some cleaners to help clean the floors today. Last night I asked her to help pick things off the floors. She did some of it but not all, and kept warning me not to hurt my back. I thanked her. When I woke up before cleaners arrived, there was still stuff on the floor. I started getting it out of the way. At noon she woke up and started screaming at me for doing that! She called me a "hateful person" which really, really hurt. I am not a person worthy of hatred, I am a peaaceful person and not a yeller, I have lots of good friends and a partner, I give back to my community (like her dad did and he was very admired with hundreds at his celebration of life) and I do nonprofit work for a living. I didn't respond and walked away to my office upstairs because I was at work and on deadline. She followed me up here and continued yelling insults at me and I just didn't engage. But now I'm up here seeking help and feeling just so trapped and devastated. She was diagnosed as Borderline as a teen but she does not accept it. She shows all the signs of everything I've read. She left a little while ago and will be back - I need help to determine response. Do I show her how her words left me crying or do I not say anything at all? I am at a loss and I am a newbie on this forum.