Hi @Friends1 , and welcome to the BPD Family.

Thanks for sharing all of that. My wife also chases me and also does physical assaults regularly, but not nearly as bad as you describe. Accidents can happen, but my wife doesn't have the courage to hurt me on purpose. Your ex does. Also, my wife doesn't walk through the house (because of a specific phobia), but she persecutes me with her screams and loud ranting, and this is already bad enough to make the relationship completely unworthy.

I understand when you say, "She is beautiful when she’s calm." My wife is a wonderful person when she is not raging or dysphoric. She always makes me laugh, takes care of me if needed, and provides love to our kids and also her stepkids, and she is super attractive (almost 6 feet tall, model body). However, being verbally attacked 3-4 times per week is not worth it. I don't need to have someone disrespecting me so badly in the place where I live. So I deserve peace, and I deserve to be respected. I'm hoping my mindset clicks for you.

From what I understood, you are unsure about signing the divorce papers because you are thinking that she might recover since she is in therapy, right? Well, I think that chances of recovery are slim, because it seems like she is only booking it to get you on her side. And if she has NPD traits, then I don't think you should expect her to recover at all. I think her actions go beyond BPD because she was able to wait until you married her to reengage in this behavior, which seems sadistic from what you described.

And in case you were expecting a romantic relationship to exist during this process of therapy, that only makes matters worse, because unstable relationships get in the way of the treatment. I know two therapists who say that during the first 2-3 years of therapy, it's better for the BPD patient to be single.

And if you are still having trouble moving on after getting the responses from this board, then you should seek professional help or at least a self-help book. That's just to check the holes that you might be carrying on from childhood. For me, self-help books worked great.

Hi there, I need some help. I was married to my wife for 4 years when we met in college. She was amazing but then she became very violent. She had drug scissors down my neck, would bite me, scratch me, chase me around the apartment, trap me in rooms with her, almost caused us to have a wreck on the interstate when she tried to take control of the wheel and punch my sexual organs. It was bad and I could never understand her. We got divorced and I never properly healed and I prayed that she would grow and heal and come back to me as a whole person. I was told by a therapist at that time she may have BPD but didn’t think much about it. She 7 years later came back and waned to apologize for all the things she had done. We ended up dating again I thought I did everything I could to make sure nothing like the past would return. She was amazing, she could apologize and would go the extra mile on everything, was cute and funny like she was before without the negative side. We got married and on the second day of our honeymoon her demeanor changed and she became mean and abrasive. The honeymoon was terrible with all the fighting that I thought it might end before we got back, and I felt tricked. We had our good moments and I made mistakes but she would fight me for hours, chase me around the apartment, shoved me multiple times once so hard my foot put a hole in the wall, throw things, fight for hours and be verbally abusive. We did go to marriage counseling and she mocked me so much because she knew I enjoyed it and would threaten to cancel it and called me “a good little boy with no one to talk to.” This is not all of course but a lot of it. I left when she had another discard and then trapped me in a room again, tried to force my phone out my pocket and told me the only way out was to call the cops. She finally let me go and we separated. During this separation through our marriage counselor so hinted at BPD. My therapist mentioned she has traits of BPD and NPD. She started going to therapy herself and with a release of info form, her therapist said Cluster B was probable, that she has deep ingrained thought processes, that I should look at the past to predict the future, that I should give myself a future, and that I should listen to my confidants when they say I will have a stroke, she hurt me bad in a rage, or I lose my mind and I end up and jail. So our last marriage counseling session the marriage counselor I felt almost forced me to say divorce and I don’t like that. She is apparently booked for a year of what I believe is DBT therapy. I’m struggling because I don’t want a divorce, I’ve spent so much time trying to make this work and she is beautiful when she’s calm. But like you’ve read she can be very controlling and I typically go along with what she wants to keep her happy. Very long post, but I’m desperate. Should I give her another chance and hope therapy works while we stay separated or did I do the right thing?

Hi @Pook075 ,

That's very well said on your part. Dating sites are a big problem. You don't get to check with their ex-partners. I actually think that the percentage is way higher than you say and directly proportional to their prettiness. I think that when you finally find a super attractive girl on a dating site, the chances of something being off about her are nearly 100%. Because very pretty girls have lots of men to choose among their surroundings, in every place they go. What's off with them could be a generalized anxiety disorder, avoidant personality, a fake profile/pictures, or BPD, which is the most "hidden" issue.

Once a girl shouted at me in our very first conversation by phone and then blocked me. She was calling me at 9 am o'clock, so I woke up dizzy and made the "mistake" of asking who it was. But apparently she expected me to know it was her, since I had told her at what time I wake up for work. I'm afraid she didn't even sleep that night. And by the way, I'm pretty sure she had anorexia as well. That's the type of girl to whom you can't ever give your address, and you have to keep your phone recording the interaction 100% of the time, for your own safety. Because it's a bomb.

Indeed, it was over a dating site from the internet where I found my last two partners, who have full BPD. For the current one, I was pretty clear that there were many things largely off with her, and therefore I was not allowing her to stay in my place more than 3 days (only weekends). However, after she got pregnant, I changed my mind, because she was still in recovery from anorexia. So I hired a professional cooker. My strong feelings for her made me become blind to the obvious fact that she had the disorder that I knew so well, just like the previous one. So it took me almost 3 years to accept my fate. But if it weren't for the disorder, then she would be an excellent choice.

I'm still stressed from yesterday's shoutings, but I look forward to the possibility that she recovers one day, that she learns to hold her mouth and change the behavioral pattern.  So that I don't ever need to use a door, headphones, or even physical distance to stop hearing it.

People often ask "is there something wrong with me" when they discover they've been in multiple relationships with BPDs or mentally ill partners.  I think there's no basis for that though due to how the illness works. 

I've been in relationships with two people who had BPD traits, and very briefly dated a 3rd before red flags appeared.  All three were super loving and caring at first though, taking an interest in my life and doing everything they could to make me happy.  This is a symptom called mirroring...they liked whatever I liked and the relationship was perfect.

Who doesn't like a perfect relationship where they're showered with love?

In all three situations, I felt something was off but I couldn't identify it.  So a part of my brain knew very early that there was something else at play, even though I couldn't identify it.  BPD is incredibly common though- maybe as high as 1 in 16 people (or 6% of the population).  It's commonly misdiagnosed as something else and they're still learning about unconventional BPD, so it could be even higher than that.  We just don't know.

Here's the thing though.  Let's say 1 in 16 are BPD on a dating site.  The majority (the non ill people) meet someone and eventually find a relationship that works.  The BPDs recycle relationships though and are single much more often.  How long would it take for that 6% to be 25% of the entire dating pool on a site...or even a higher number?  It's something to think about.

In short, this is not a "you-thing."  Maybe you're the romantic type that likes to "save people", but the mental illness part was rarely front and center early in those relationships.  There were probably some clues, sure, but all of us are here because we missed or ignored the clues.  And that doesn't make us dumb, that simply means we believed that love could conquer all and we came up short.

Hi @ForeverDad ,

I was expecting comments about the door locking, specifically, but thanks for your response.

My thoughts are that I'm focused on the protector role because that was my role in childhood, and it was my only important usefulness there. At the same time, some of my partners use verbal aggression a lot, just like my mother, only because I'm too resilient against all other stuff, and they think that this is the only possible way of causing psychological damage to me. And a door is a good physical shield for a protector.


So your theory is that I have learned what a relationship is from a bad reference (my parents) and therefore took steps that moved me towards the same type of relationship. So in essence, you think I'm uneducated? (I'm not offended, don't get me wrong.)

I can't agree with that, because I never thought that there was any kind of normalcy in my mother. And I could also clearly see how my father was allowing the situation to deteriorate by not being able to communicate. So I turned into a very active communicator within the relationship context. Also, I did therapy in that period, but the best examples I got came from the mothers of my friends. Those were not cold-hearted like mine. My mother was so neglectful that I told her she would never see me again once I left. In fact, I vanished after the divorce audience. She made a deal with my father in which she gave him the full custody of the kids in exchange for more property. In that sense, all of my partners were quite different than my mother, because they were not cold-hearted at all.

Finally, I had an excellent example of normalcy from my father's family. For two years, I lived side-by-side with my uncle, his wife, and 3 children, who are all successful athletes, and they brought me in for many activities as if I were an adopted son.

Also, over the last 15 years, I have read a few dozen books on relationships, on child care, and on BPD.

With that said, do you still think I still don't know what normalcy and a stable home should look like?


Well, I believe the main reason for that is inherited genetics, then inherited food habits (and therefore nutrient deficiencies), and finally acquired behavioral issues (such as in complex PSTD). I follow my own food habits and have recovered from my traumatic experiences but may have inherited from my father a taste for adrenaline. His job was quite dangerous and wild.


I don't think it works that way. I think counseling is only useful if the kid has an ongoing issue. Though I think my boy might be at risk because he might have inherited the taste for adrenaline as well. But I'll be his personal coach in relationships. He has a very secure attachment with me.

We all make some mistakes every day. Perhaps small most of the time, but we always do. That's what makes us humans.

And some humans make mistakes more frequently than others due to circumstantial reasons, such as stress, impulsivity, or being under intense emotions. So the BPD disorder tends to make them more erratic than the average person, especially if they are under constant demand, such as when taking care of multiple kids. The same can be said about other disorders such as ADHD.

My wife has both BPD and ADHD, so she makes so many mistakes at home, but it is so hard to bring it up without triggering her, so usually I just bite my tongue and stay quiet. Because when I talk about something very specific that she did wrong or can be improved, she interprets it as a personal critique and begins to react poorly by interrupting me with excuses and justifications, by raising her voice, by showing contempt, and finally by counterattacking. She then insists on doing some personal critique to me on something else that wasn't the topic of the conversation, as if we were in a predatory competition to define who's the worst person.

You can see my point; they often feel like horrible people too easily. All of the rest that you said looks like examples of the specific tactics of defending and counterattacking that your SO usually makes use of against you, including the part that looks like selective hearing. If you think about the worst possible attacks that can be done and said, then what you describe is not that bad. But over time it can get worse if you eventually start to counterattack too and the core issues aren't resolved.

I think the core issue is the unstable sense of self. If you say they are a duck, they can't ignore that because it makes them really feel like a duck. Unless it is a clear and well-intended joke and they are in a good mood to get the joke correctly.

I don't quite know how to deal with it yet. When I use humor, it may work, but it's hard to make progress using jokes, and sometimes there is serious stuff that I don't want to joke about. One example is the number of hours our baby watches screens per day. This has been increasing. I got quite angry when I saw the baby using huge headphones watching drawings in the dark, just like his mom does. So I wasn't in the mood at all to make a joke about it.

But maybe we can use a different tactic that doesn't require humor. What if I give it a deep thought first to anticipate how she will feel during the conversation and provide her with some validation on who she is before going into matters? For instance, I could validate that she is a good mother and wants the best for our son. And after she acknowledges that, maybe she will hear me about the screen time.

Another tactic I might have to use is to add notes on the wall with reminders of what we have agreed on in previous conversations, if it's really a legitimate agreement. Sometimes she just says yes to get me off her back, so that's not really an agreement. Other times she truly agrees but soon forgets about it completely and follows her impulses again. I should also take pictures of those agreements just in case the paper gets lost.

I hope those ideas give you some inspiration to improve your situation as well.

Welcome to a community of peer support.  We've "been there, experienced that".  We have an extensive library of collective wisdom, practical experience, skills and strategies that can be very helpful.  Browse our boards, learn and ask.

Having a child - yes, a grown child - with a problematic acting-out Personality Disorder is difficult to deal with, especially over the years.  But do not feel overly guilty that your life decisions are causing your child's conflict.  No matter how pristine you try to live your life, your daughter would still find things to complain about.

One of the aspects we experience is BPD F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt.)  In your case, you're being made to feel guilt.  Whether she says it or you just feel it yourself, understand that as an adult you have a right to ponder and make decisions in your own life.  Yes, you can include many factors involved, but in the final analysis it is your adult decision.

There are many events children don't like.  Maybe the family moves.  Maybe the vacation isn't one the child likes.  Maybe the rooms are painted in a color the child doesn't like.  Maybe the sun shines one day but not another.  Maybe... you get the idea.  Even if a marriage failed, it's unreasonable for a child to blame others when things aren't optimal.  The child may not like it but life is what it is and ought to be dealt with accordingly.  And when a child is grown, then it's time for that now-adult to take responsibility for her/his own life.

I'll add another historical note.  In decades past Borderline PD was viewed as not treatable and insurance typically would not pay for therapy.  So many therapists would instead diagnose Bipolar since it had similar behaviors and was covered by insurance because it did have treatments.  Today we do have approaches for BPD (DBT, CBT, etc) which have proven helpful even if not a cure.  Perhaps that is why she was told Bipolar?

The difference is that Bipolar is considered largely a chemical imbalance and meds can somewhat address that need.  But BPD is a cognitive imbalance and while meds might moderate poor behavior, long-term therapy is far more effective.  Well, if the patient is willing to diligently apply the counseling in thinking, perceptions and behavior.  PwBPD are known to exhibit a wide range of levels - from mild to extreme - of Denial, Projection, Blaming, Blame Shifting and more.

Thank you very much for all that information. I found it to be very spot on with what I’m dealing with because each of her personalities do have different names different you know traits about them. I need to learn to not things take take things so personally but freaking it’s hard to do when you’re working you know just all of a sudden it’s a complete total change. I’m still trying to learn how to manage that but I’m glad to know that I’m not alone out there so thank you.

I’m curious if a person with BPD tends to have to explain and justify everything. 

If my SO spilled something on the couch, rather than say they spilled something on the couch, they’d spend twenty minutes setting up the events for why they spilled it on the couch. It often seems like they’re constantly thinking people are going to say something negative about even the most basic of stories or events and therefore need to provide full setup. 

The flip side is that my SO tends to have very selective hearing based on what they want to hear.  If a counselor said “you and your spouse need to work on communication”, they’d say “the counselor said YOU need to work on communication.”   

My SO has other issues with OCD and irrational anxiety and often will justify their anxiety using something someone said while ignoring the other things they said.  If a mechanic said “I’ve never seen an issue like this, but it’s easily fixable” they’d say “they said they’ve never seen anything like this and it won’t be fixed.” 

Just recently my SO claimed I said something to someone else and I think they realized I was so adamant I never said it, that instead of trying to gaslight, they backed off. 

One common pattern of people with Borderline PD traits (pwBPD) is their inconsistency.  Even if they agree to do - or not do - something, they can easily forget or renege on what they've previously agreed to do.

In some ways they live in the moment yet also, like elephant's have phenomenal memories, they can dredge up the past events and triggers over and over.  Yes, it doesn't make common sense overall, but that is what personality disorders describe, abnormal or dysfunctional thinking and self-oriented perceptions.

And trying to use logic (JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) often fails with a person immersed in their own perceptions and feelings rather than facts.

PwBPD typically resist or ignore Boundaries.  That is why we encourage of members to change perspective.  Rather than trying to force the other to do or not do something, it is better that our own boundaries decide how best we can respond to poor or undesired behavior.

A very simplistic pattern is, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  Does that make sense?  For example, if the other ignores one of your previously spoken boundaries such as No ranting or raging, you can show your response, in this example, by exiting and returning after he/she has calmed down and reset.  Do you see that you don't need to mirror the other's actions or get into the old failed arguments?

You can browse our many topics on Tools and Skills Workshops board which include Boundaries, strategies, responses, communication techniques and more.

Of course, these approaches do not "fix" anybody but they are ways to better manage or address the relationship difficulties.