Hi broken mom,

I'm sorry your daughter seems so upset.  If she's reaching out after weeks or months of estrangement by making demands and a suicide threat, my guess is that she's feeling a lot of stress and/or disappointment right now.  Worse, she has tried to drag your ex into this, by venting to him all her (ancient) grievances about you, when technically you have't done anything wrong in recent weeks.  He's upset that she's upset, and he's also blaming you.

Trust me, this isn't about you at all.  This is about your daughter bumping up against adulthood without the necessary emotional skills to cope.  My opinion is that young adulthood is the worst--from around age 22 to 25--when it becomes increasingly clear to her that she's not functioning very well, and when her tantrums seem totally incongruent with her age.  Maybe as a tween and teenager, she could get away with throwing fits, especially within the confines of her immediate family.  But as a young adult, well she's discovering that throwing tantrums and acting out all the time isn't really working for her as it once did.  People don't want her around because of her drama and inappropriate outbursts.  She's not invited over much.  She's lost her friends (and probably doesn't have any left).  She can't keep a job.  She can't really handle independent study or keeping house.  She's totally overwhelmed by the responsibilities of adulthood, let alone parenthood.  Her life starts to look dysfunctional, and she knows it.  Yet her expectations remain totally unrealistic:  she expects always to be the center of attention.  She expects too much devotion from friends and family.  She expects others to over-function for her.  She's selfish.  She feels irritable and aggrieved, full-time.  She feels traumatized, abused, neglected, inferior, constantly dissatisfied.  Her aura is negative.  Her entire mindset is negative.  She's stressed out.  She thinks her life is over.  She can't stand living another day.  She's exhausted, and yet she stays up late at night scrolling through social media, feeling left out and insanely jealous of "everyone else."  But her thinking is increasingly disordered.  She doesn't understand where her troubles are really coming from.  She adopts a victim narrative, blaming everyone else for all her woes.  And that, in my opinion, is the worst part of BPD, because she thinks she's helpless, and she abdicates responsibility for her own life.  She has basically given up on herself.  Others might step up to "help" her, but the more others do for her, the less competent and confident she feels.  She RESENTS you for being so reliant on you.  Does that sound about right?

Let me guess, her entire family has generally been supportive of your daughter, by providing her money, free housing, logistical support and/or free childcare.  But rather than be appreciative, she's upset and uber-demanding.  She blames others for all her problems.  Worse, she uses her own child as a pawn, to "punish" you for not doing exactly as she wants.  That's a frequent scenario on these boards.

Now that probably doesn't make you feel much better about the situation, because you don't want to see your daughter in such distress, and you don't want to be alienated from your grandkid.  Just know it's BPD, and it's not your fault.

Hello, I am struggling with my adult son who has come to terms with his BPD diagnosis. He has spent the last almost 11 years with frequent outbursts and drug use. Now as he's approaching 30, we found that it is only only getting worse. We go from being the best parents in the entire world and then the next day we are the worst people in the whole world. It seems like the more stressed there is in life like job and romantic relationships, the more he takes it out on us. He realized at one point that we were done with his emotional abuse and then he got a therapist and got a diagnosis. Then he got family counseling to try to make amends to us. Then all of a sudden We became a reason for all the troubles in his life. His therapist met with us and told us about BPD and to follow a script so we won't get entangled and still be able to be compassionate to him. But I'm still struggling with feeling disgusted with his behavior towards us. I'm trying to understand The mental health aspect. I have been dealing with his issues his whole life. Recently he blew up Mother's Day. And then the next day he said he has been using drugs and that's why he was acting the way he was. It was explained to us that this was a classic BPD move. All along he was telling us that he wasn't using. To make matters worse, I deal with chronic health issues and stress is not good for my heart condition.
Can somebody please give me some hope. I do love my son but right now I feel angry and I feel like he's dangerous to my health

So it’s been almost 3 months since my daughter last spoke to me. I have reached out a couple of times just to tell her I love her and I’m always here for her. It’s her 22nd birthday tomorrow so I sent her a card and a gift. Today I visited with my mom and she was babysitting my granddaughter, after leaving and my daughter picking up her daughter she decided to reach out to me screaming and crying all while her daughter is sitting there crying in the background. She told me I either had to come visit her tonight or she was going to kill herself. I am sitting here feeling bad that she feels this way but I don’t think I can handle it. My ex husband is now texting me blaming me for this. My daughter is mad because I live with my fiance and his two kids and my son come and visit as they please but after years of out bursts my fiance does not want her at his home. Am I wrong to think she did this on her own by always acting out??? I was always willing to go visit her but it just turned into fights, so for my own mental wellbeing I have stepped back. And now all of this happens some days I think it would be easier to just pack up and move far away from everything.
I’m sorry I am all over the place with this I am just so tired and don’t know what to do anymore

It is nice, isn't it? 

I have to say the silver lining of going through the nightmare of being married to a pwBPD was the exhilaration I felt at it being over, and knowing I did not have to suffer (directly) from her in the same way.  Obviously you're not entirely there yet, and in a way, neither am I, since we still have to co-parent together, but being able to make plans for anything without having to deal with BPD, after years of having to accommodate it, is wonderful.   


Keep documenting all of this.  Regarding the parenting duties, it seems like you already acknowledge that she doesn't do much.  I was in the same boat.  As much as you may want to concede parenting time to her so you get a break, consider whether or not it's worth it. 

I did that - I gave BPDxw default primary custody, along with the child support that comes with it - and regretted it within a couple years.  At the time it seemed like all I could do, b/c  I had a really demanding job.  and this was before COVID and work-from-home jobs became more common in my profession.  But now I'm tied to living in a certain part of the city b/c BPDxw decided to move to a very rural part of our county, away from the urban side of our suburb, and has made it difficult to see my Daughter regularly.  And no one cares about this sort of thing - courts take the approach of "you figure it out, or just don't see your kid"

Remember that kids grow up fast.  As much of a burden as they are now, they'll be less and less as time goes on, but the more control and input into parenting decisions that a BPD-parent has, the more they can make your future life difficult. 

She's sort of handed you a potential win here in a way, if it comes to divorce, and she wants to claim primary custody (and child support and/or alimony if it's available in your state).  These months of her living outside the home while you bearing 100% of the child rearing duties strongly support your claim to primary custody.  So keep track of all this in a journal: what you're doing, parenting time, money spent on kids, etc., while she's doing none of it. 

Also watch out that she doesn't try to contest that, if and when she does the math and figures out that the only way she'll be able to afford to continue to live on her own is with monthly child support payments from you.  In my state, child support is more or less automatic, and goes to the parent with >50% parenting time in the terms of the decree.  She may claim the kids need to come "live" with her, collect the $$$, and STILL leave you with the primary burden of raising them if living with her isn't feasible.

This is why I suggested you contact an attorney. It helps to know what to do in the case of a "what if" even if it's never needed.

It may be that you can not legally let your wife be homeless if the apartment falls through. The fact that she receives SSI may make her eligible for some support services.

If she can't stay with you, and she's on SSI- there is also a possiblity for other options- subsidized housing- but these options are not available if she's married to you as need is based on both incomes.

Same with health insurance- she may be eligible for Medicaid (if she isn't already) if the two of you aren't married.

Some people on SSI are eligible for assistance on some jobs- like a job coach person who can check in.

Since your wife's employment and relationships are one of your "what if" this happens concerns, it helps to know what options are out there, even if it doesn't come to that.

I agree 100% with Notwendy that anxiety is a huge component of both BPD and OCD.  In addition, I see some "obsessive compulsive" thinking patterns with BPD, such as endless rumination about past grievances, worrying way too much about what other people do or say, and fretting way too much about stuff that didn't even happen.  I've posted before how I felt that the pwBPD in my life had ruminated so obsessively about past grievances that she literally carved a rut into her brain.  Any time she felt the slightest bit anxious about something completely unrelated, the negative thinking pattern would be "activated," and she'd spiral.  It seemed to me like "ritualized" thinking--that she had to rehash the past, over and over again, and let it out.

Like Notwendy wrote, the good news is that there are some medications that can help with anxiety.  This sort of medication helped the pwBPD in my life get more stabilized.  Once stabilized, the cognitive therapy helped her out more than the medication in my opinion.

Thanks for the update!  It's natural for you to be thinking a lot about the future and the contingencies.  As for your partner's ability to keep her job, she might, or she might not.  If she's like the pwBPD in my life, she definitely will not keep the job if there's a safety net (aka a safety hammock).  But if she's actually compelled to work to support herself, she might hold onto the job for a time.  Another possibility is that she quits the job or gets fired, but then she's compelled to learn from the experience, find another job and then work even harder to keep it.  That's been the experience of the pwBPD in my life.  I think that she's actually learned some things when she faces the natural consequences of her behavior, instead of me or her dad being there to "rescue" her all the time.  However, you can't control how she performs in the workplace.  The only thing you control is YOU.

If you want your partner to to live on her own and support herself, then you absolutely can't let her back in your house (in my opinion) . . . because there's such a thing as a "sneaky" move-in.  I've seen that happen, when BPD stepdaughter would come to our place for dinner, then stay "just one night," then leave, then come back for another dinner, but bring a change of clothes this time, then stay another night, and before long she had moved in again.  Though she didn't really want to live with us, she did it anyway, so that her dad and I would pay all her living expenses, while she could remain unemployed.  So my advice is, if you want to keep her from moving back in, don't let her back in your home at all.  If she wants to see the kids, then she take them to a park something.

As for fallout with the girlfriend, you have no control over that.

Finally, as for childcare, my guess is that you're probably basically functioning as a single parent already.  Though your wife might have helped by watching TV with the kids in the past, my guess is that prolonged contact with the kids might have done more hurt than help, by creating a lot of chaos, tension and unpredictibility, right?  So my advice is to figure out childcare for them while you're working.  That might be involve daycare, activities, babysitters and/or stays with relatives.  Maybe you adjust your work habits and do some work from home late at night or early in the morning while the kids are asleep, as many single parents do (if you have a job with remote work flexibility).  I know that childcare can be tough to schedule sometimes, but millions of parents are in the same situation.  I think you'll figure it out.  My advice would be to prepare for 100% of the parenting duties, and if your partner actually helps out, then that's gravy.  I'd say though that the kids should go to her place when she's parenting.  My guess is that they wouldn't have a bedroom there, and that's probably a good thing, because they'd sleep at your place where there's a predictible, healthy, calm routine.

Just my two cents.  We like hearing updates.  Wishing you the best.

This video is a good summary of when to step back from disordered people and set some strong boundaries:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/O5cQbvZv6nw

Rather than to see these "OCD" like behaviors as a different diagnosis, I see them as related to the BPD and anxiety. OCD behaviors are driven by anxiety. They are seen with other conditions that are connected to anxiety, or they stand alone.

My BPD mother had very high anxiety and also black and white thinking. I could do several helpful things for her and she'd find something I did or didn't do that she decided was "wrong", and focus on that. She perceived people as being "on her side" or "not her side".

I don't think there's a way to change how someone thinks, however, if we look to them to decide if we are helpful or not, it can be discouraging. I had to base my own decision on what was true for myself. If I did helpful things, even if it wasn't 100% perfect, then it was still helpful. Trying to convince someone that we are good enough, when they have this kind of thinking, is demoralizing.  One doesn't need to be perfect in their eyes to be "good enough".

What did help the "OCD-like" behavior was medicine that helped decrease the anxiety. It isn't a treatment specifically for BPD, but since these behaviors are driven by anxiety- treating that may bring some emotional relief for your wife. If your wife is willing to consider this, her medical providers can work with her to find one that works best for her. They didn't eliminate all the behaviors or all the anxiety but decreasing BPD mother's anxiety did help her.

My pwBPD has had a long history of anxiety issues that I believe could best be classified as OCD, requiring the constant need for rituals and reassurance. 

In trying to get help for it, though, anyone who isn't helping 100% isn't helping at all, which leads them to me for answers that I don't have.   When I try to help, I'm told all the reasons my help is wrong, then I'm the bad person for getting frustrated for not having answers.   

This loop would be frustrating for anyone, but when you add BPD into the mix, the black and white thinking, the tendency to misunderstand the emotions of others (while knowing with 100% certainty that you DO understand them) and the constant push/pull of being needed and then rejected within the same 30 minutes day after day after day is exhausting.   

Anyone else experiencing this?  How do you reassure someone who is certain that everyone who isn't 100% helpful is 100% against them?