Hi everyone,

My husband (46 Male) has a 8 year old son who he shares with his BPD ex partner (36 Female). She was diagnosed in 2012 with BPD and at the beginning of this relationship, he told me she was suicidal and made several attempts on her life. My husband and his ex moved out of state to my husbands home state as requested by his ex, she did not want to raise their son around her own family and wanted to move away which they did. They separated just after the child was 1 years old and had shared parenting (50/50) my husband was the primary caregiver of their son. 8 year old child has asthma and constipation problems which he had from birth. She has struggled his whole life to medicate the child appropriately and believes he doesn’t need medication at all, my husband and his mother and cousin all supported her best they could to help her manage his medication and help manage caring for the child in his best interests.July 2024 she took full custody of their son and has a protection order against my husband and is accusing him of domestic violence. The past year has been a long standing battle with her and she has not let my husband have unsupervised time with the child. A family report was written up stating she was held in state against her will and that she wants to move back where she is from, my husbands lawyer has replied that we are willing to move and now she is self repenting herself for court and family dispute resolution. Ex partners mother has undiagnosed BPD and viscously controls her daughters life. My husband has supervised visits every fortnight for 2 hours at a family centre which are horrible, the supervisors hover over child and parent, tell him what to say, yell at him in front of child- horrible centre in my opinion. Anyway, my husband is concerned for child as he comes in very pale, almost out of breath and her has soiled himself in the centre a few times. Child has told my husband he is scared to use the toilet or ask to go as “it hurts” ( mother not medicating child for constipation or asthma) He told my husband that mummy does not give him puffers or Ventolin which we are extremely concerned about. His ex is attacking my husbands ADHD and masked bipolar disorder and saying he is unfit to parent. My husband has completed every court ordered programme and has done hair follicle testing every 3 months to show her he is clean, he is trying his best to get supervised time lifted. Some advice would be great please

Hi everyone, My husband has a 8 year old son who he shares with his ex partner who has BPD. She was diagnosed in 2012 and has completed DBT back then. The relationship was on and off for most of the 9 years spent together. My husband said at the start of the relationship she was suicidal and made attempts many times to end her life. Fast forward, they had a child together and ended up breaking up when he was just about to turn 1. Both lived in the state she was from, where he family and friends reside but she did not want to live here anymore as she did not want to be around her controlling mother ( we believe she has undiagnosed BPD) so she, my husband and their son moved out of state. Both had shared custody (50/50) until July 2024. She has made false accusations of my husband, claiming their relationship was made of domestic violence and that he was abusive throughout the 9 year relationship. His son has asthma and has constipation issues that he has had since he was born. She does not medicate him, she believes he does not need any medication. It is so frustrating and heart breaking to witness this. My husband, my mother in law and my husbands cousin have given her nothing but support after breaking up, giving her support with child and help. She had a big breakdown and she could not handle having child around so he was in my husbands care for 6 weeks while she became better and treated herself. She is now saying that the child was kidnapped from her care and that she did not consent to that. She has a protection order with herself and child on it. My husband has only had supervised visits the entire time and he would like to have this lifted. Her mother is highly controlling and has undiagnosed BPD.

CC43 - thanks for the note. I already said no to the phone. Not a need right now. And yes, 100% I don’t need to buy it for her. Shes 19 and works and in college.

I 100% believe my wife has some NPD traits as well. Extreme sense of entitlement, believes she deserves special treatment and the rules don’t apply to her. She brags a lot and exaggerates/lies about accomplishments, money. Facts are regularly distorted to make her look better. She also talks about herself constantly, well a lot. It’s interesting my therapy has allowed me to sit back and be more observant. Like I didn’t even realize it was happening but there are nights where nearly the whole night she spend talking about how great of a thing she did at work or was recognized. I mean hours and hours or repetitive talking, and I barely say a few words for the night.

She was offered a p/t job where she was contracting and I  was excited for her, we went out for dinner to celebrate. On the day she started I even bought some balloons and wrote a little congratulations card for when she got home. She was disappointed and treated me disgusted that she wasn’t being celebrated enough. Expected to be taken out for a big celebratory dinner or something (even though I already did weeks before to celebrate the offer).

I think that hits the nail in the head! For her every want is a need.

As many know, I'm the punching bag for my twenty-something uDD. I've tried to validate, hold limits, leave conversations when they got rough, etc. It always leads to a severe spiral: blaming, begging, cussing. Around Labor Day, some of the texts crossed a line, and I communicated I was taking a break for a few days but would be in touch.

From then until last week, she talked just with dad and seemed to be happier and more calm. He visited her, and she was NC with me. I sent neutral check in texts, which she never responded to.

I was fine with this. We both needed the break, and she seemed better. I got pretty sick in Oct., and she called 4-5 times and was normal and pleasant. I continued to send neutral texts every week -  she didn't respond. All was calm.

Fast forward to now...
She came for Thanksgiving.  I was reading to give her space, don't rush in with closeness, be friendly. I did all that. I greeted her, complimented her, made eye contact as we had dinner, smiled, but didn't follow her around. I thought this might be a baby step back for us. She stayed in our home, knowing her dad was leaving the next morning and would be gone when she woke up. She knew it would just be her and I, and I thought wow- this break has been helpful.

That's where trouble started. She came out of her room crying in the AM. She wouldn't speak to me. She wouldn't eat. She was very emotional but avoidant. She eventually left to see her sister and was gone when I returned from some errands. I had bought some of her favorite things, and she did take them.

Since then, it has been terrible. Hundreds of texts and calls, accusing me of ignoring her, turning the family against her etc. I know this is from how she feels and not the truth, of course. And triggered by seeing me, because I'm her person. For the past week, it's been daily texts, and tonight begging me to come to her town and take her to the hospital.

I only communicate by text when it's civil.  I validated that it sounded like she felt awful, and if it's an emergency, go to the ER or call 911. I tried to stay with that mantra. 

She started calling my husband. He offered her to sleep here. She accepted, but then started adding conditions - you pay for a train, you pick me instead. He responded - There are two options. That's what I can do.  She started sending sarcastic texts, and then he was done.

We are trying desperately to set limits and do things differently. It's very hard, super scary, and is next level of raging and begging. She was texting me - "Please, mommy. Please. I need you."

I had to turn my phone over and stop looking because it breaks my heart. I was worried I would cave. I didn't respond.

I'm just broken. No one else understands this trauma.
If you have any suggestions or similar stories, I welcome them.

I've desperately searched for literature on this level of dysregulation and limit setting, and there's so little out there other than boundaries are important.

Giving it your all and never being appreciated for that. Truly appreciated. That's the part that hurts for me. It feels like the biggest betrayal. I've been personally through so much emotionally for her. On times I thought she would die. I felt those emotions fully. It's comparing something like that, to the utter throw away I feel like I became. I remember that memory, or memories of the times I thought I lost her. I just tear up and cry. Nobody deserves to be treated this way after giving up so much of their soul for someone. It's just not right.

Yet still! My ex somehow thought that someone who gave everything to them wasn't good enough in some way. Or that they're unlovable (while being loved extremely). All I wanted was very simple. To share my existence with her. I wanted share adventures. It's not that deep. I think we all gave it everything we had. It's a mountain of emotions that literally never went acknowledged from someone who mattered to us.

It really sucks.

Hi Heretoheal,

Though she was invited, my BPD stepdaughter didn't come to our house for Thanksgiving.  I think she avoided us because some extended family members were visiting.  She just isn't ready to handle the stress of fielding well-meaning questions (How is the job search?  Are you working anywhere?  Are you seeing anyone?), because she's afraid of feeling judged.  On the other hand, I think she feels compelled to cling to her narrative that extended family members are "toxic."  And so she stayed away.  But the good news is, she didn't just ghost us like she usually does (complete silence with her is never a good sign).  For the first time ever, she called the day before to say she wouldn't be coming, and I really appreciate that courtesy because I can plan better for meals and sleeping arrangements.  Not only that, she called on Thanksgiving Day and took a couple of minutes to wish her relatives a happy day.  She said she was having a "Friendsgiving" with friends.  I think that's great--she's carving out an adult's life for herself.  Sure, it would have been nice for her to visit with family on Thanksgiving, as well as repair some relationships.  But I have patience and hold onto hope, especially when she's doing some "normal" things for a person her age.

My point is, it's fairly typical for young people to celebrate some holidays with their peers, especially when holiday travel is complicated and budgets are tight.  In other words, the situation with your daughter might not be as dire as it seems to you right now.  I know you're disappointed that she was absent during the holiday, and you worry that she's all alone (she might be), but by the same token, maybe she made other plans and didn't tell you.

I guess that one way I cope with all this is not to automatically assume the worst.  I try to assume that she's doing what she feels is best.  She felt she couldn't handle the pressure of Thanksgiving with family, but she wanted to celebrate her own way, and she did just that.  I think you might try thinking like that.  I often say to myself, "I'm not worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet."  I try to save my worrying for actual problems, not potential ones.  That's easier said than done.  But it can be comforting to do a reality check and reframe my perspective sometimes.

All my best to you.

First, BPDGrief, I can relate to some of the key events you noted.  We had our own homecoming weekend that went almost the same way. My kid finished school and is on their own, so that's a blessing.

But after a period of NC, the child came to Thanksgiving, didn't interact with me, but I believe seeing me amped everything up. We are back to hundreds of texts - blaming, name-calling, begging. I am sick to my stomach and have a raging headache. And I feel guilty for holding limits, but also realize I must hold limits or this will forever be my life. In a Family Connections class, our leader said, sometimes there are no GOOD choices, just choices. I really relate to that.

I’m recognizing patterns J has in looping her statements during arguments- often hijacking the entire conversation to repeat a perceived insult or hurt ad nauseam. 

Upon letting her vent her frustrations in several repetitive loops, she will take a pause (which never seems to be intended for me to even parrot or paraphrase to her my understanding of her position), she makes herself more and more angry at the situation- causing her memory of the situation to evolve into something that never existed remotely close to her understanding of how it happened.

I recognize that she is stuck on the emotional track- and she has trouble resolving the feelings she has- so she can’t change gears to also resolve the actual issue at hand.   

I’ve asked her what would help her to understand my recognition of my role in the argument or misunderstanding.   I also tried (and failed miserably) to explain that I have two problems in these cases- one- I misspoke or misinterpreted or misunderstood or said the wrong thing- and I am willing to apologize and take responsibility for that- but I ALSO want to clear up the confusion by correcting the misunderstanding to begin with.   

If I said “I’m going to the store to buy milk” and I meant “Creamer” (simplified hypothetical), I said the wrong thing and I still need to say “I said that wrong- I meant creamer”.  She doesn’t seem capable of understanding that the original situation still exists and needs rectifying- she interprets the correction to be “an excuse” or “I’m sorry I said that wrong BUT I want to make an excuse to get out of being wrong”.

Our situation today was because our dog was chewing on something and I wanted to know what she wanted me to do with it- we didn’t want to throw it away.   She claimed I said “I am going to throw it away unless you tell me immediately where to put it”.   I told her “I’m sorry I sometimes/often say the wrong words- I didn’t want to throw it away” and she claimed I can’t say “sorry I misspoke” and then change what I meant to say (which is ridiculous).   I told her “I want to take whatever responsibility for the misunderstanding- but I also want to resolve the issue and correct the miscommunication” and she seems to have absolutely NO recognition of that as a possibility.   In her mind, if you’re wrong about something you said, that’s it and there’s no resolving the conflict.

I can imagine a likelihood of her growing up in a household of black and white punishments/reward for original behaviors and zero tolerance for nuanced conflicts and rational thinking with two way communication and compromise- but that’s not my responsibility to her- I just want to find a way to give her the space to resolve or deal with her feelings and emotions- yet at some point communicate a correction to the situation at hand.

If this makes sense, any ideas?

My marriage broke up just over 2 years ago. I met someone around 3 months after the breakup, and there was instant chemistry.
However, as my relationship with my wife was 27 years long, both of us knew that jumping into a relationship was a big no go, but after a couple of months it was fairly evident that something would probably happen although neither of us said anything.

14 months later we got together. We have now been together for 9 months. We have our own lives, we both have two children, we both live in separate houses with the youngest of each children respectively. I have 3 dogs, she is scared of dogs so doesn’t come over, so I go over to see her., We don’t see each other every day.

We have not argued once. We both love and respect each other. She is happy, kind, caring. She says our relationship is easy, no stress, no drama, because I am so laid back and chilled. She has been in several relationships where she has felt controlled, and one relationship with someone that told her was diagnosed bpd and created drama. She is easy to talk to about anything and I don’t have to tread on eggshells like my previous relationship.

Now, because I was in the relationship for 27 years with my wife, who I believe has bpd although undiagnosed, I am used to the idealisation. I’m used to the constant phone calls, the constant texts (to give you some idea, she was discussing coming back home but said I hadn’t messaged her enough one evening, yet I counted over 120 texts between us) and the love bombing. Throughout our relationship I would like to think that I was emotionally stable (although she would say emotionally inept because I am not an over emotional wetwipe) and secure in myself and my relationship.

However now I am struggling a little bit with, I don’t know, whether it’s a fear of abandonment or just trying to adjust to a normal relationship. Because it isn’t as intense, there is no constant barrage of texts, and my gf is happy for me to have my own interests and hobbies, I can go and see my friends whenever I want, whereas with my wife I couldn’t even leave her to go to work without being given a guilt trip. My gf does however have a tendency to withdraw, as she has got a few family issues, her daughter has left to go travelling for a year and such like, so sometimes I will message her and not hear from her for hours as she has got things going around in her head that bothers her, but she assures me everything between us is ok, but because of my previous relationship dynamic, it worries me a little.

So I guess I’m wondering, those of you that have got into relationships after one with a bpd partner. Have you felt a fear of abandonment, or any other issues. Has some of the negative traits of the pwBPD rubbed off on you. Have you found it strange, adjusting to what seems like a normal healthy relationship from the rollercoaster ride you were used to.

I think our relationships are similar, from the posts of yours that I have read, and yes the “how can she do that to our family” is a big question that goes round and around in our heads. Particularly with my ex’s choice of new partner, their addictions, the fact that in 6 months time, all going well, she is going to be a grandmother yet her family won’t visit her because of her partner.

But I think the biggest thing is the betrayal. I expect most of us gave everything of ourselves to our bpd partners, and it feels so unjust that we are betrayed the way we were. A lot of us were more than likely accused of betraying them, of cheating on them, of many things that we didn’t do yet they would torment themselves with the thought that we had done, or were capable of doing that to them, and then go and do exactly that to us. That is what does for me, the how could you?