This is significant drinking. Alcoholism.

I don't know how much you have looked into CODA but I think it would be helpful to you.

In one group I attended, I read and worked through the original AA Blue Book with a sponsor. My first thought was- what does this have to do with me? Alcohol isn't my own issue, but the insight to the addiction aspect and enabling/codependency was helpful.

Published in 1939, the language reflects the culture of the times. In the book, the men were the alcoholics, the women were their wives. We know now that it can be either gender. The original authors, men, were Christians so there is a spiritual aspect to it but the program is universal, adaptable to any belief system.

The alcoholic men in the book seemed to have loving caring wives. The authors found they could help the alcoholics recover but then somehow the men would go back to the wives and get worse. Why? The wives were loving and caring- how could that be? The wives wanted their husbands to be well and weren't intentionally doing this. The authors then discovered the enabling aspect of the partner, and wrote a chapter for "the wives" and CODA evolved from that.

While it's clear that your wife has a drinking problem, that it's gone on this long in your marriage also involves you. We have no control over someone else's drinking. An aspect of the program is looking at our own enabling behavior. It's not always obvious, it looks like being caring and helpful. It was not comfortable to have a sponsor turn the mirror on me but it was very helpful and I think it would help anyone in a family relationship with an alcoholic. It may be the "wives" in the book but all family members are potentially enabling. Your daughter may be interested in ACA at some point- which became the best fit group for me, after trying both CODA and ACA but the information I learned in either one was good to know.

Even if you do divorce- the information is helpful and also, a sponsor would be a support person for you through the process. It's a lay group, doesn't replace a therapist or lawyer, but helpful in addition to them.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you've been through this and so many others here have the identical story (myself included).  I was married for 23 years and my BPD wife suddenly asked for space.  Months later, she's dating her employer and I was just as wrecked as you are.

A few nuggets of advice.

1.  This is not your fault and you did nothing wrong.  This is mental illness and fears of abandonment.

2.  This is not 100% his fault either since he's run from problems to "the next shiny thing" his entire life.  It's part of his sickness and it devastates every relationship he's ever had (including family, friends, etc).

3.  None of this makes sense, and unfortunately it never will.  That's because he's mentally ill and makes very bad decisions when he's in a disordered mind set.  To understand it, you'd have to see this though a mentally ill lens.

4.  The path forward is to focus on yourself and your kids.  You must heal and be mentally strong, which will take time.  The hardest part is getting past trying to understand his motives....which you can't understand.  He's mentally ill and made very bad choices; you will accept that answer sooner or later (sooner is better).

Can you tell us a little more of what you need right now?  Ask tough questions if necessary.

I'm so sorry to hear this update.  Alcohol and mental illness just don't mix; one feeds the other into a spiral.  And I'm with you- I do not argue with someone under the influence; there's zero point.

We've been together for almost two years. I think my husband has BPD (not officially diagnosed, but all the symptoms match except for self-harm). When he has a day off and I'm working, he starts drinking uncontrollably. Because he's alone and he's feeling unwell. When I come home in the evening, he demands sex nonstop, and nothing happens. If I say I don't want to or can't for various reasons, he insults me with harsh words and makes me cry. He doesn't listen to any arguments. I'm so tired of this. He has no friends, no acquaintances. Everyone has "dumped" him. He's endlessly jealous for no reason, trying to drive me crazy "so I don't leave for another man." Is there any way to stop this? I can't sleep normally for 3-4 days.

So my partner has work and during work she always brings up this guy’s name and how she is always annoyed because her coworker is always laughing or always making her laugh.
Earlier, she told me that the guy and him is getting closer because of laughter. We had a fight about this before and I told her many times that I have retroactive jealousy but she said the reason why she kept mentioning her coworker was because if she needed to vent or rant about what was happening during work she was only doing it to vent or share it to me to have a topic but the thing is she is enjoying it too much.
I feel like she is purposely making me jealous, we agreed no more stories about a third party or bla bla bla but she still keeps doing it. I need adviceee

Hello, all -

This is my first post and I’m sure a lot of people who find this space start out saying the same things. They are a little (or a lot) lost and just want to contextualize all the things they are experiencing. They just want to know there are other people who are feeling and living through some of the same experiences. It can feel very overwhelming and isolated to be treading these waters. I’m not going to be any different in that I have so many questions and want so much to just know that this isn’t just me living through the mental and emotional exhaustion.

I adopted my niece (my husbands side) when she was 16, almost ten years ago. She had a mother who struggled with addiction and a father who ended up in jail when she was very young.  She was basically living alone and some of the things she was getting into were not safe. No one was stepping in to help her and I felt like I had to before I watched something really tragic happen. We brought her to live with us hours from where she was living. It meant a lot of change for her. I immediately got her into counseling and attempted to wade through her trauma.  Previous to adopting her, we had adopted two other children through foster care so we weren’t totally in the dark about the challenges that lie ahead. Her growing into adulthood was rocky. She constantly had somatic complaints. She was always sick. She was constantly saying she didn’t know if she could refrain from killing herself. She would beg to go to the ER at midnight because she wasn’t sure she could keep herself safe.  She was diagnosed as bipolar at that time and we began medication which really helped things for the rest of her high school career. It wasn’t perfect but it was better. When she moved out to go to college I thought we had hit a good stride. She had done well in high school and was in a program that was challenging in college. We got her an apartment close by but as soon as she moved out we stopped hearing from her unless she needed money or a favor. She rarely called toncheck in. She eventually dropped out of college, stopped taking her medication, began dating a totally abusive drug dealer, and began her experiment with drugs. She ghosted us for quite awhile. She would resurface when she needed something.  She eventually hit some sort of rock bottom and accepted our offer to get her into job corps. She stayed long enough to get a certification that would lead to a decent job but she couldn’t seem to hold one very long. She was evicted and the police called many times for domestic violence in the apartment she was sharing with this man.

Years passed. She was committed several times and she would always leave the hospital with medication and a plan but she would stop taking it, fail to keep a job, find awful people to live with and only contact us for requests. She ended up getting pregnant and decided on her own to reach out for counseling. We thought maybe we were rounding a corner but it was then that she was diagnosed with bpd with narcissistic features and bipolar disorder. The therapist recommended dbt and medication. Neither of those things happened for reasons I’m not clear about.


She had her baby. Raised her in total chaos. Domestic violence again. Self harm now. Cutting her arms and legs. Blood all over the house. An alcoholic boyfriend. Lots of dysfunction and I thought if I responded when she called she could find her way to something more stable. It felt wrong to leave her child to try and grow up in that without an anchor. I learned pretty quickly that my presence had no positive impact on her decision to find help. She instead leaned hard on me and on her bfs mom to take her daughter. She outsourced parenting and got to step away when she was too overwhelmed. Honestly I didn’t know what to do because I was afraid that if I didn’t give her that she would kill herself. She called frequently to tell me she was done living and it always felt so urgent.

Eventually I untangled myself a little. Got into counseling. Realized that I could do little to change her and that should she decide to end her life - she will. My actions will only delay a plan to do so if she’s that serious.  Only she can really save her life. In the midst of this she got pregnant again. By this time I could not extend myself any further and was going through some things in my own personal life that needed my attention. I spent so much time worrying about her that I didn’t stop to attend to things that were important for my own health and well being. I felt that cold sweat when my phone would ring and it was her. I would brace myself when I saw her texts because I knew it was not anything positive. Either it’s the end of the world or she needs something that should come above anything else. My therapist started helping me to detach from the chaos and start to choose myself. I learned to grey rock her demands and drama.  It gave me some peace but my instant reaction to her is anxiety.


Finally after this Thanksgiving it sort of came to a head for me, and her lack of concern about anything but her needs really began to do something different in my mind and my heart. I was tired of it. I was tired of being made to feel like the enemy.  I was tired of my actions always being interpreted as malicious. I was tired of defending myself. I was tired of advocating for my own peace. I was tired of disputing actual delusions about events we all lived through. I was tired of the emotional blackmail. I was tired of the police calling me because there’s been another incident and someone needs to come get the baby. I was just tired. Exhausted. Hurt. Emotionally depleted. The final straw came when i got injured at work and I had to cancel babysitting for her. I had a concussion and couldn’t even lift the baby if I wanted to. I told her that was the situation and she launched into this hateful and disrespectful rant about how I was not there for her or supporting her and this is just another example. That I’ve never been dependable and that I’m always overextending myself. I had heard her be hateful to other people but not me. Then again, I’d always done what she asked, in part to keep out of the chaos. But since I had begun to grey rock and just not be as available - I was not as useful as i once was. The exhaustion hit a new level. I detached at that moment.

After talking to my therapist I sent my niece a letter at Christmas. I worked with my therapist to write her in a way that didn’t point out any particular instances or sound accusatory. I simply wanted to convey to her that I needed something different in our relationship. I felt as though she was interested when I was useful and when I wasn’t I didn’t feel that connection come from her end. I told her I loved her very much and that if she wanted to work on this I always was willing. She didn’t write back immediately but texted me yesterday to tell me that our relationship was over. She cited many reasons, half of which were bent reality, as to why and said my lack of reponse to her calls or texts sent a clear message. I could tell for her it read as abandonment.  She then pointed out that she had blocked me back in October but said she had discovered how little I cared because I hadn’t found another way to reach out to her. I didn’t exercise any care or consideration for her as a new mother and the support she needed. At first i was blindsided. I didn’t know that facts could be contorted so much to make someone’s reality make sense but there it was. As time has passed I realize i can’t say or do anything about that will change this or make her realize I am not this horrible person she needs me to be. I let it go.


I’m struggling with what I do now. I miss her oldest daughter a lot. The younger one i purposely couldn’t bond with because I worried a day would come that they would be used as emotional pawns and I needed to be able to let that go with as little heart ache as possible. My husband says I have to keep reaching out to her. She has a mental illness and she still needs people. I said I agree that she has a mental illness but I can’t justify setting myself on fire to keep her warm. He also comes at this from the perspective of not being the person who gets the calls or handles her. That has really solely been me.

What do you do when you’re in this situation?  I know her response was probably a feature of being very deregulated and feeling that chaos from reading abandonment in  my letter even if it wasn’t there. She is protecting herself. I get all that. I just don’t feel like her abusive behavior is the price I have to pay to have her in my life.  Am I wrong?  I feel like chasing her just reinforces that game she is playing, whether knowingly or unknowingly. That she will be awful and I will still be there. Just like being blocked was a test. As a healthy adult I see those things as boundaries and when I see someone’s boundary I respect that. For her it’s a test of loyalty and I apparently failed. I am prepared to let her go and I was when I sent that letter. I knew it wouldn’t help things and would maybe make them worse but it felt really good to say what I wanted to say and held in for so long. I didn’t say it for her. I said it for me.

I just need to let her go but I want to know what others have experienced and what’s on the other side of this feeling.

If you read this far, bless you. I just feel like I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this and now I feel like at least one person will know what I’m going through.

Hi there,

It's tremendously difficult to see a loved one struggle and suffer.  Would you care to share more details about the situation?  Is your daughter living with you?  Does she blame you for everything?  Is she suicidal?  Has she tried therapy before?  Does she have a BPD diagnosis, and if so, how did she take it?  Is she working?  Is she in a relationship, or recently broken up?  Does she have any children?  Sorry for the barrage of questions, please share only what you're comfortable with.  Reading between the lines, I suspect she had some sort of crisis which makes her willing to consider getting some help.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter who struggled for a long time.  When she got a BPD diagnosis, I hadn't heard of BPD before.  But once I read about it, her behavior began to make sense to me.  One of the first things I read about BPD is that it's treatable, which gave me some hope.  Thankfully, my stepdaughter concentrated on therapy and managed to turn her life around.  Though she still struggles, her life doesn't look as dysfunctional as it once did.

I think your daughter is extremely lucky to have you in her life.  You found this place, which offers wonderful resources and moral support.  Though your daughter is the one who needs to do the work of therapy to turn her life around, I think it's easier if she has the support of family, especially someone she trusts.  But to be in the position to provide that support, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.  You're no good to your daughter if you're a basket case of anxiety, stress, guilt, fear and financial ruin.  You see, many parents here operate in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which clouds their judgment.  That's why you need to take care of yourself first, so that you have the energy and resources to help your daughter.  If you need therapy, get it.  If you need a break, take it.  I know it might go against your nature to prioritize your needs, but it's essential.  You want your daughter to be responsible and take care of herself, and get some help when she needs it, correct?  You need to do that too.  I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That means taking care of your body, mind and spirit, and not allowing others to treat you badly, either.

Anyway, when it comes to BPD, I think it's helpful to think in terms of baby steps.  Change is hard, esepcially when talking about a decade or more of ingrained behavioral habits.  Repairing fractured relationships takes time as well.  PwBPD often feel overwhelmed.  Thus small changes in small doses, one at a time, is the way to go in my opinion.  For my BPD stepdaughter, her number one focus for a time was therapy, and only therapy.  Then came small changes in daily habits, such as eating meals, regular sleeping hours and taking a shower every day.  Once the small changes became routine, she built some momentum for bigger ones.

Hope that helps a little.

Mom, hypothesized BPD by my therapist, late 80s
Dad, early 90s, not BPD, sweet, kind, hen-pecked
Siblings and me - our 60s
Grandchildren - 30s
Great-grandchildren - we're still waiting
We have a no gifts between adults (which is really the oldest two geneartions) agreement which makes sense.
But, I love making cookies and treats, so I bring them to the family celebration.  I am the only one who lives in a different town, less than three hours away.
Weekend before Christmas, I brought a sample of the treats to my Mom's house.  Dad got in trouble for eating too much of it.

Christmas, I brought most everything there.  I make a lot of different things, knowing what special things different people like - nieces/nephews, my siblings, and my parents.  I made the mistake of taking it all to my Mother's kitchen and letting the others come get what they wanted.  Dad told me at the end of Christmas that when he went to get the special thing that I made for him, it was almost all gone.  I had heard my Mom telling my sister "take all of that, we don't eat it".  I didn't know at the time what item she was talking about.  But there was an dish at Thanksgiving and a dish at Christmas that were prepared by the cooks with him in mind and Mom gave those things away too. 

I un-grinched her over the weekend.  I made another batch of his favorite and boxed it up. I also created a box of the other item he got in trouble for eating too much of a week before.  I went back for a third visit over the weekend.  I put the items in his car in the garage and sent him a phone text (yes, at 90, he texts!) telling him that there was a surprise for him in his car and to go get it when he could get it without being seen.

They do have separate rooms.  She won't step foot into his, and he barely comes out of it.  Still, if she finds out, we will both get the wrath of grinch mom, unfortunately, him  more than me.

Understand.  I'm in my mid-60s.  hBPD mother is in her late 80s.  My non-BPD father is in his early 90s.  He's very sweet.

She used to try to make holidays special.  They were the only special days.  But this year, she was a Scrooge AND a Grinch.  I'm going to post the Grinch part later.

The only good days were holidays, but if we weren't perfect, we "ruined" them.

Dad is having mobility issues.  Mom claims that she has them worse than Dad.  But evidence when trying to get around shows otherwise.

She did not put up any Christmas decorations this year.  She had a poinsetta and a stuffed Santa out.  She was probably bitter because we moved the dinner to another sibling's house from hers which it always had been before.  She's made such a big deal about how difficult it is for her, so it seemed to be simpler.  But she still had to make part of the food and bring it over, then complain that this was harder than doing it all herself.  Which was wrong.  I actually did the preparing at her house and cleaning up.  And there was no setting up serving, setting up and cleaning table later, and much more. 

Right before Christmas, she said something to the effect of the following:
1)  It doesn't seem like Christmas
2)  I'm tired of seeing Christmas out everywhere
3) It's the stupidest thing I ever heard of to bring a tree into the house

Now after, she's saying that it's time to get rid of the Christmas stuff (the poinsetta that someone gave her and the stuffed Santa)

Much of this would be sort of okay for someone not BPD.  Putting up Christmas is tough for an almost 90 year old - but we and her grandchildren offered to put it up and take it down for her.
People do get tired of Christmas.
But her scroogieness is to a higher level and we know why. 
Not having the family at her house was a loss of control.  So she had to be a big pain.

Hi, Welcome. I'm sorry your daughter is struggling terribly. I'm sure you are hurting as well. It's hard to see our kids in pain. You are in the right place. I'm new as well. I'm confident someone who has experience here will answer you shortly. Reading others posts and responses help. As well as going to the Library and reading tools and skills. That is wonderful she is willing to accept help. Maybe you already have someone in mind? A DBT clinician can be helpful. Take care of yourself too, that's important.  Like we're told before a flight, take oxygen first and then make sure your child has their oxygen mask. Feel free to share as much as you need, this is a safe space.