not wendy....thank you for the response!  well...things went "south" during an "episode" when I went to my daughters, per her request, to help her with her laundry (she would ask me to stay over her apartment all the time, amongst so many things (hide her pills, her knives, sit with her to do "chores", I force fed her when she would not take her meds (I know this sounds non-chalanant....this is 3 years of pondering): i was leaving & said "what a pretty sweater" (in her closet) she said, "oh, you're doing me a favor, so you want something", it just went BAD from there....with her saying, I was never there when she was a kid, because I worked all of the time (I still don't understand any of this....she told me I was a helicopter mom and enabled her)....I know I need to SEPARATE the emotion (BPD training); I flat out just miss my daughter, but (confession!) not how she treated me, she said such awful things, (we went to dinner, her request, she said, please stop talking, I did, but would talk! said, shut the F up, I know....BPD....I am an anxious person myself...through the years I think I have a better "understanding" of BPD and might handle things differently (in speaking with her, more calmly, etc.) but....I am just waiting it out....thank you for understanding!

Congratulations on 35 years—and on the extended stretch of things going well. And congratulations as well on making a conscious effort to expand your emotional intelligence. We aren’t born with much of it; it’s something we develop over time, and as it grows, it serves us well.

So things were stable… and then a border dispute broke out. Rules of engagement collapsed, followed by hand to hand comflict. Why?

When people—anyone—are under stress, their brains shift into a kind of survival mode that prioritizes immediate relief over thoughtful behavior. Stress floods the body with hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which can narrow perspective, reduce patience, and impair the parts of the brain responsible for impulse control and empathy.

When this happens, small frustrations feel larger, neutral comments can seem threatening, and people may lash out, withdraw, or act selfishly—not because they are inherently unkind, but because their mental and emotional resources are temporarily depleted. In this state, behavior often reflects an attempt to regain control or release pressure rather than a person’s true character.

As you noted, people with BPD traits are typically the first to break down under these conditions. But those same stressors will wear everyone down to some extent.

One interesting aspect of people with BPD traits is how—relatively speaking—they can return to baseline fairly quickly if the conflict is not re-ignited. By contrast, others may be slower to let things go, sometimes carrying lingering resentments that quietly smolder and later reignite the flames or show up in a future skirmish.

My thoughts? Put it in the rear view mirror... without prejudice... give him the space he needs to do the same (on his own, don't help him)... and then get back on the track you were on.

I like this response. We're all human and you can only take so much abuse before reactively abusing. It's a crappy situation to find yourself in; not recognizing yourself in an argument. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. When learning, it's best to have MANY tools to work with, as I've found what works one time will not always work. If they want to fight, they will make sure it happens unless you walk away.

BPD stinks- I think the best answer to this is that it is a very individual situation. While NC can bring peace in one situation, it may not in another. For those of us  in relationship to a BPD parent or sibling- neither decision is without an emotional toll- and considers different circumstances. I think each kind of relationship is different.

Knowing Mommydoc's story, the NC with the sister was the result of a long standing conflict over their late mother's care and finances, and the resulting inheritance. While for Mommydoc, the focus was on her mother's care, the sister had other motivations. The mother was the actual connection between them, which ended when the mother passed.

I experienced something similar when my father passed. He was the glue that held some people together. Once he was gone, some of them didn't have much to do with me. Yes, that felt hurtful but one wonders, if this could happen, what was the actual relationship about.

I think the parent-child bond is different. You spent years caring for your child before she was an adult.  Even though own BPD mother was not very maternally inclined- she was still my mother. I don't mean to minimize the other family bonds or the emotional attachment with them or the difficulty of a loss of connection but I think the parent child bond is is a more difficult one if there was attachment and bonding during childhood.

I believe there are circumstances that are so abusive that NC is the best solution but when someone has BPD, they might perceive abuse when there is none. I recall there were times when my mother perceived me as hurting her when I had no intentions of it or did anything to hurt her. The best I could do was to know I had no control over her feelings and that, I didn't have harmful intentions even if she felt that way. I agree- to disconnect the parent child bond where there's no solid reason to is so very hard to fathom.

Although like you also are doing- my father shielded this from the kids but it's not possible to conceal it entirely. I saw this too. I wished it wasn't so hard on him.

Both decisions, to stay or divorce, are complex ones, each with their own set of pros and cons. I agree with FD- it's not possible to avoid the kids being alone with BPD mother 100% of the time. I can also relate to Zachira's post about being enlisted as accessory emotional caretakers to BPD mother but even if the father doesn't do that- BPD mother did it. Her emotional needs were huge- she sought these needs being met by anyone who was closest to her. I agree that it was my father who took on the majority of this role with her but we did it too.

Although the welfare of the kids is one consideration when deciding to stay or leave, I don't think it's the only one or even the major one. Like the other posters here- my father was very concerned about how BPD mother would manage without him and I believe that was his predominant concern. From my experiences with her in her elder years, I could see why that was.

I don't fully understand all the reasons that went into his decision to stay and likewise don't judge someone for choosing to leave. Each choice is complex and difficult. I don't think one is necessarily better than the other for everyone- it's a personal and individual choice.

I do think self care is important. Your kids need you to take care of yourself- for your own self and so you can be emotionally present for them.

There's a saying that's been mentioned here, "Let Go and Let God".  There are some relationships that overwhelm us.  Often it's that our personality traits lend us to strive to be Good Guys or Nice Gals.  We find it near impossible to resist "helping" or rescuing or complying or appeasing or caught off guard again and again.

So with it being so hard to make an objective and healthy decision, the practical outcome can be to set intractable distressing problems on a Higher Power's shoulder.  It is difficult to work at a task with an uneven yoke.  (A wise man once said, "Come to me, all you who are toiling and loaded down, and I will refresh you." - Matt 11:28-30)  If we can't resolve the distressing dysfunction, hand the distress off.

Recovery takes time.  Give it time.  After all, recovery is a process, not an event.

If only we had an encouraging Successful Outcomes board, this post would be there!

More or less exactly the same story here.
My wife also suffered from drug addiction and alcohol abuse, and she too left me for the guy pushing drugs on her. Spent a year with the back and forth, leading me on only to go back to him, would deny she was still on drugs, would even try and deny the fact he was selling her drugs every week for 3 years even though she was taking money out of my wallet for it!

More recent than you thought, we split up late 2023. I have been in a relationship for the last 9 months with someone else now who has literally as I type this message just sent a text just to say that she is thinking of me. We are both incredibly happy together and it is so nice not to have to deal with the dysregulated sh*t I had to with my wife.

I’m not religious. Just become the person that you always were, the person that your bpd partner more than likely suppressed. Be the happy, confident person knowing what you had become was never your fault, and don’t let your bpd ex define you, and you will find happiness.

I’m fairly sure my adult daughter has BPD, as did her father - who I divorced two decades ago.  Her two younger sisters (both happily married and healthy) have each recently had a child (ages one and two). For Christmas week, everyone is coming to my (and my new husband’s) house that we recently moved and I’m very much looking forward to it.  My BPD daughter lives close;  the others do not and will be staying with us.   While I learned about BPD years ago (my ex had it) I never associated the condition with my oldest daughter until recently.  Yes, she had all the symptoms but masked them well with other issues (addiction).  I have always supported her and have been her safety blanket.   Recently though something triggered her and she has been sending me vile texts about how all her problems are due to how I raised her.  The texts are in large part delusional; her emotions are over the top and have little basis in fact.   Her sisters and I are very concerned.  I’ve never been good with setting boundaries for her.  My other two daughters are excited to have their families here for Christmas and told me not to worry that if she gets mean or angry or out of line they’ll ask her to take a break and leave.  They and their husbands are good at setting boundaries, but I want to be sure I also do all I can to create and maintain a peaceful atmosphere in a home we all love.  I’m reading relevant books and learned enough not to escalate or defend but it’s going to be hard.   Any advice as to strategies you may have engaged would be helpful. Thank you.

Thank you, both!  The holidays make me especially emotional and I am tearing up, a bit reading this!  I am happy, in regards to my other daughter, who is so kind, my best friend, who shares her family with me (there is alot to be said for that) and my beautiful granddaughters; I make myself active and am involved with many animal shelters and church; you all hang in there, also

Money is power too. Seeing the concept of "power dynamic" reminded me about how my BPD mother controlled people with money. How she spent money was emotionally driven.  Accepting any money from her had strings attached.

She prefered relationships with people who had less income than her- and this kept the power dynamic in her favor. Speaking to some of them, they assumed she was wealthy.

However, there was a disconnect between her emotional spending and the logic of numbers and the actual money she had, and her emotional spending eventually led to her being in financial difficulty. 

Observe how he relates to money and others. Taking you out for a nice dinner- that's a nice date- but using money to control and influence is different.