I don't even hate her to be honest. That's the part that bugs me. I sadly would have stayed with her and probably married her if she didn't call the police on me. That was just too much. I always imagined we could work through the chaos.

Sadly, my current mindset is yes, I would turn a job down. I don't know how to explain how gutted I feel or anxious I am when she's around. I've never had this reaction to another person or ex. I do know that there will be other opportunities for an increased GS level position. It'll just take time since the government is weird right now. And the worst part is, if my boss just retires suddenly, I'll be detailed into her position no matter what since I'm her backup.

I think I'm just angry still as well. I tried so dam hard. I gave every ounce of myself into that. I put up with the verbal abuse, insults, physical abuse, lies, police involvement. I was all in more than I ever have been. Only to just be treated so badly, all the while the rest of the world believes the exact opposite. Just the screenshotted texts, her recording me, and everything with no context. Her fake instant tears when she pulled her phone out, making me look awful.

I really don't want to talk to her. I just don't understand how you can treat someone like that you know? Someone you want to marry and live with. I was getting arrested if I didn't leave that night and I can't forgive that for some reason. I won't be mean to her, attack her in any ways, nothing. I just want her gone from my life in all ways.

The work dynamic is the worst part. Everyone thinking she's some innocent little blonde victim to the abusive man. And now her talking herself into my meetings. I just don't get it.

You were married only a couple years.  Such a short marriage ought to reduce the risk to near zero of him successfully seeking spousal support.  Count your blessings.  You could have been married for longer before you sought help and put the pieces together.  You could have had a child or two with your stbEx and that would have been a life-long ordeal.  As it is, though he can't stop a divorce, he can obstruct and delay in a variety of ways, so be prepared.

I was clueless and thought my then-spouse would be less unhappy if we had a child together.  I had hoped she would rejoice watching a child discover life.  I was so wrong.  Rather, she pulled away from me and obsessed over the baby.  At the time I could only guess that she couldn't love both of us so she chose "her" child and discarded me.  (I later came to realize it also could have been that once I became a father then she likened me to her abusive stepfather.)

That was two decades ago.  There was a huge amount of conflict and allegations.  Our child is grown now.  She is attached to our son.  But me?  I haven't even so much as touched her in all these years.  Though when she's visiting her son - our remaining connection - I can still trigger her.

Ensure you don't put yourself at risk of intimacy or pregnancy with him at any time going forward, no matter what.  That way you can make a clean break from him going forward.  You can and should take responsibility for yourself and your future.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Darn, I'm so sorry and I do understand.  But hating her that much allows her to hold power over you as well- would you really turn down a fantastic career opportunity to avoid being in the same room as her?  It's just not fair to you at all.

My ex also said many hurtful and off the wall things about me...mainly to cover up her affair and make me the bad guy.  I temporarily lost several relationships because of it, but the ones that mattered worked out because those people know me and my character speaks for itself.  Sometimes that has to be enough.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide, and I hope that you'll eventually be able to talk to her.  Not to accuse or apologize, but to take that power away from her and to let her see that she truly doesn't matter anymore.  That would honestly hurt her more than anything and she'd probably be the one quitting....all from you being direct, professional, and indifferent.

also....agreed, an inability to forgive and move on. Every argument becomes a highlight reel of everything you've done wrong. Lots of it revised from what actually happened. Hardest relationships to work through.

You'll see, and be surprised that many of our stories are identical. The phrases they use are far too common as well. It's as if they're all the same person.

I feel that fully, they'll accuse you of something, assign intent to your words or actions, and if you disagree you're gaslighting them, they don't feel heard, you have no accountability etc. It drives you insane.

And yeah, I used to always say that 'I understand you feel hurt by what I did' (even if I didn't do it). You cannot use logic or reason with them. That's what 'JADE' is. In normal arguments you can justify things, argue your point and defend yourself, but what I've learned with them is that their emotions are reality. You have to agree with their perception 100% that you're the bad guy an they're the victim or else nothing gets better. At least that was my perception.

I thought mine really loved me too. But we never know what's happening behind our backs. Mine triangulated everyone into everything painting me as toxic and abusive. I was uninvited to things and hated by the end. That's why I left mine. No one wanted me around anymore due to her lies and exaggerations.

No meds and no other diagnoses (previous history of diagnosed depression). 
Yes, the apology thing can be agonizing.  Capitulating to her tainted view of me feels like lying to myself, and it only reinforces her conviction that I'm the problem.  Yet, arguing or defensiveness leads to extreme aggression from her, and validation ("I understand you feel that way", no matter how sincere/empathetic) is never enough.  It's a conundrum, and I don't know how to deal with it.
To be fair, my mishandling of the relationship in the past did, in fact exacerbate the situation.  I was trying to deal with her rationally and explain things, and I did withdraw emotionally for my own sanity. 
I'm operating differently now, but I've given her lots of ammunition to use against me.  I don't judge her for this, I understand it's her condition that's behind her inability to forgive and move on.  I know she really loves me -- I'm convinced of that -- but she really is very deeply conflicted and I need to work with that (and keep myself healthy while doing it).
It feels really good to have found this discussion board.  I thought I was the only one out there dealing with this.

don't you love that everything is your fault? and yeah, you can't validate them. Anything you say isn't good enough and you're expected to just know. Has to be spoken exactly how they want to hear it. And forget about apologies, your apologies to them have to be point by point and address everything they perceive.

Does she have any other diagnoses? On medications for depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar? Most of these people tend to have multiple mental health issues.

Thanks Pook And Me88 for the replies. 
 The things that point to BPD are:
-- her long history of sabatoging every close relationship she starts to develop. 
-- poor self worth /unlovable self-image
-- withdrawal from/rejection of emotional intimacy whenever we start to develop it (despite her insistence that she desperately needs intimacy)
-- her position, despite all this, that any problem in our relationship is 100 percent my fault
-- mind-reading behavior,  i.e. inability to accept my validation of her feelings unless I completely capitulate to her perception of what's going on in my thoughts (true or not)
-- her childhood history of neglect and SA

There's more indications, but that's a partial list. I don't think her therapist is correctly dealing with or diagnosing her. We've had couples therapy, multiple times, but she always walks away from it whenever the T hones-in on what her issues might be that are problematic, because, again "I'm the one, and the only one who has a problem."

I'll be digging through the archives, but any pointers would be great.  I'll look into the JADE technique, I haven't heard of that.  Thanks again.

I truly have not spoken to her once since it ended 11 months ago. I made sure to block and delete every access point. I can't at work. She just orbits me though. I don't think she'd reach out...yet or maybe ever. After her telling everyone I hit her and all sorts of other lies, then calling the police on me, she'd look absolutely foolish if she ever wanted to reconnect.

Yeah my boss is checking out. She's had some really bad family emergencies and is almost 70. She has taken extended leave this year, a month at a time here and there and leaves me in charge of the service. I am a second line supervisor right now and her job would be nice and the pay would be great...but I just cannot be around my ex. I feel so betrayed, so belittled, so broken by that whole situation. It was truly hell, as we all know. And that woman does not deserve to see me, look me in my eyes, or share air with me ever again.

Keep in mind that even if they decide to get therapy, there is a good chance it may not work. My ex had a psychiatrist and psychologist for many years, was on a handful of medications for adhd/anxiety/depression, and it was not enough. Nothing could ever help her see her emotions, anger and outright abuse was anything but my fault. Add in reactive abuse from me, and everything became justified and I was a villain to her and everyone she shared one sided stories with.

I second working on your communication style. I failed at that, because I could not empathize with made up stories, twisted scenarios and her abuse. I couldn't find it in myself to understand and acknowledge her pain when I was on the receiving end of horrible treatment.

Look up the JADE argument technique. I'm sure you do it, and it is a sure way to make things explode...even when you are 100% in the right.