And then another realization hit me: my BPD stepdaughter resembles her grandma. She's artistic, and she's a dreamer too. Over the years, she's dreamed of doing many things: becoming a model, an artist, an internet influencer, a huminatarian. She's dreamed of moving abroad, moving to a big city, volunteering in Gaza(!?!) too. But most of the time, it seems she doesn't take any concrete steps to fulfill her dreams, let alone consider safety or logistical details. Sometimes I think she has no clue how to go about this. Or maybe she just doesn't have the energy or focus. Perhaps she never had any serious intentions in the first place, because for her, it's nice just to have dreams? Or maybe it's a refelection of BPD, as she's plagued with self-doubt and an unstable self-image.
Would be better just to listen, rather than mention pesky real-life details, or offer to help, even if that goes against natural instincts?
My BPD mother would say she was going to do things and not follow through. Many of them were unrealistic- she'd move to some tropical island, divorce my father (she never did).
I think some of these may have been "image" conversations. Some other members of her family are very accomplished and I think she wanted to appear this way too, to them or to herself. She had stopped driving for a while when my father passed away, but she kept his car. (not for sentimental reasons- she wasn't attached to his personal belongings). Me, being a practical thinker, asked why she didn't sell it. It didn't make sense to pay to keep up a car that she didn't drive. She got upset at being told this. Her response "I can drive it if I want to". She got angry when I said she didn't drive and replied- she can drive if she wants to. She didn't drive it but she still kept the car.
I think some were to gage my reaction. She'd say things and I would react, or like you ask for details. At one point her family said to me "she says things but she isn't going to actually do them" which was good advice. I think asking for details is attention- positive or negative- is the attention, or a part of the Karpman triangle. She'd threaten to do something I didn't want, then I'd react and be the persecutor. Some threats she did follow through with but either way she was going to do what she chose to do.
In some way, asking for details may feel invalidating. If someone is at a party or social event and says they are going to go volunteer, or do something impressive- IMHO, it may be to impress, to show they care, do something admirable. They'd want that response, not to be asked for details or given advice. I learned that to BPD mother- giving her advice felt invalidating to her, so I didn't- unless she specifically asked for it and event then I'd say "I think you know best how to do this". (sometimes if I gave advice she'd do something else anyway).
Or they want to know your concern. She herself probably knows that volunteering in a war zone is dangerous so perhaps she wants to hear how much you'd worry about her, or miss her so far away.
My BPD mother's family was way ahead of me in figuring this out- they just gave her the attention and affirmation she was seeking at these family events. If she was really going to pursue something she would- but I think these were saving face statements. I think the avoidance of family events involves a poor self image, feeling judged.
I posted before about a young lady I know who has BPD and we were at a party. Suddenly she ran out of the room. I asked her mother what was going on and she said her daughter thought people were looking at a surgical scar she had. We didn't even notice it. People were looking at her because she was pretty but she was focused on the one thing she didn't think was pretty.
I wouldn't encourage or validate things my mother said that I didn't think were sound ideas or in her best interest, but I learned to not react as much to these things she said she was going to do. I also would not have assisted her to do things I didn't think were sound ideas, but if she were to take steps to do something in her best interest, we'd be all in favor of it.