Pete very well said. What have you experienced? I agree help should be sought understanding the lonely place one can find themselves.
I went through a lot. I eventually did see a counselor for help understanding if I was part of the problem and what way was up. I didn't want to walk away from a marriage - as unhappy as I was, and as isolating and dysfunctional as it was - without someone validating that for me. This was my own problem though; I was not confident in my judgment, and didn't stand up for myself at critical times. I viewed standing up & being assertive as aggressive, and felt it was not proper or acceptable to do that, but I now see that you can and must stand up for yourself, without worrying about how people perceive it. And you don't have to do it aggressively, and angrily. You can point things out and remain calm. If the other person escalates, well, then you evaluate you options and choose how to respond.
Of course manipulative people will portray all your actions in a bad light, (and their actions as impeccable and justified), which is why you have to be prepared to walk away.
I recently saw some comments from a mathematician who was debating someone else, and pointed out how unprofessional and flawed their reasoning was, and then said "If I had a person in real life try to discuss something with me like this, I would just stop talking to them."
Unfortunately, it's that way with BPDers... there's no basic trust, and therefore no real communication with them. Everything is seen and felt through their distorted world view, and warped by their own selfish interests. There are really only two possible outcomes with them: 1) you accept their worldview as true and give in to all their demands, regardless of how you feel and think, or 2) you leave.
With better boundaries and understanding, you can avoid these relationships in the first place, but alas, a lot of people don't have that, and don't gain it until they go through hell like this and have the sense to try to understand it and stand up for themselves.
I agree too with the church groups dismissing or making the problems worse. That being said I found this christian article about abuse very hope inducing.
https://christiancounseling.com/blog/uncategorized/is-emotional-abuse-grounds-for-biblical-separation/
There is a YouTube link within the article where a woman addresses biblical counselors to be aware of the struggles.
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This is good. I hope to see more of this, along with a better understanding of these situations among religiously-based counselors. https://christiancounseling.com/blog/uncategorized/is-emotional-abuse-grounds-for-biblical-separation/
There is a YouTube link within the article where a woman addresses biblical counselors to be aware of the struggles.
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Like I said, I've read too many accounts here of people remaining in dysfunctional relationships because they view marriage as a sacred vow. And in a sense it is, and should be. But we enter into marriage with certain assumptions in place, namely that our spouse will treat us fairly and equally, and there will be mutual respect and trust. When someone has a behavioral disorder though, this is not possible.
It's like buying a car because the seller tells you it's driveable. Then you buy it and discover it doesn't have an engine. They say "we have a contract, and you have to honor it. and it is driveable, you just need to put an engine in first" and you say "Well... he's right. I guess this is my obligation." So it is in marriage to a BPDer. You enter into it, and maybe you've seen some red flags, or maybe not, but they tell you all the problems that you encounter together are happening because of you, and if you just learn to treat them better, love them enough, or give them exactly what they want, things will improve. And of course they don't. Then they need more. You're in a relationship with a bottomless pit, and nothing will ever be enough, because the problem is entirely in their head, and there's nothing you can do to fix it; it's up to them.




Hi, I found this site today and hopefully can get advice . I have a sibling with undiagnosed BPD and is aware of it because they have bought up the conversation multiple times themselves but still refusing to get proper help with it . For some background information they are 8 years older than me . We both grew up in an emotional unstable household and constant fighting and stress . If I’m being honest with my very early memories i remember them always being mean to me . Around the age 5-6 i remember them always hitting me when sleeping in our moms bed and when we got older and
they became a teenager it was almost like they wanted nothing to do with me and would make fun of the things I did and judge me for the things I liked . Once I was in middle school they had graduated and only continued to still have a nasty attitude towards me but then once I started to hang out with other people and stopped trying to make a relationship with them they got mad and got into a fight with the person I was hanging out with and then accused them of trying to take me away from them and then threw it in my face and said I was the reason they got into a fight . Throughout my teenage years I never once remembered ever being able to go to them with any of my issues like most younger siblings should be able too . Flash forward a few years later and things never stopped . They would start random arguments with me and would range from them accusing me of being the worse person and not caring about them etc etc and given I was 19 at this time and still didn’t stand up for myself because they made it hard to bring anything to their attention and then they would apologize and say I’m the best person ever and the cycle would continue and it started to play heavy on my self esteem. Over time they basically burner bridges with most of her relationships with people them always somehow being the problem and then they started attaching themselves to me and suddenly wanted to go places I was going and wanting to join me on trips I would plan with my friends and basically self invite themselves and it felt like I couldn’t tell them no not to come because then they would accuse me of not wanting to hang out with them and it was crazy because you suddenly wanted to be involved in everything I did because they themselves no longer had friends . Flash forward now and as I’ve worked on my mental health and getting better for myself it feels like things are getting weirder. I’m currently making my career and school my priorities in life and working meanwhile when they were my age I am now they were the complete opposite and treated people terribly me and my mother included and call me crazy but I feel like they have now developed this jealousy towards me and sometimes feel like they’re throwing subliminals towards me in certain conversations . I do feel they are jealous of my relationships given they don’t have any long term relationships themselves anymore and recently they accused me of some of the most ridiculous things and was projecting very very very heavily onto me . It’s reached a point now where I no longer have the energy to enable this cycles and when I finally held them accountable they still somehow switched the conversation and made them the victim and honestly I’m done. Once again like I mentioned they were offered help and in the process of it but then stopped , they’ve had therapist drop them because of how they talk to them and still blamed the therapist. I don’t have any more patience and so tired of feeling like I’m always the villain to them but the hero when convenient. I feel like either option is going to be painful , option one is me holding them accountable about how I don’t feel their apologies are sincere because you continue the behavior and going forward think there needs to be boundaries put in my place for me to continue having a relationship with you but I know that’s gonna turn into an argument somehow as they’re gonna tell me to live my life then and forget about them and option two is only dealing with them at a distance but either option I know is going to trigger an argument and I can’t do it it anymore . I’m over the tunnel vision and them only acknowledging parts of things I told them they have done and to be honest I feel that’s why there’s real easy way out because a big issue is them continuing what is starting to feel like borderline emotional abuse at this point and then apologizing but like I said I don’t even believe their apologies anymore and how am I gonna be able to even bring up their behavior without once again an argument starting and them justifying their behavior. They’ve burned bridges with other people and me witnessing first hand how they still didn’t really care and justified it lets me know they’re never going to take full accountability. Please help with any advice