Hi Upsetmom2
Thank you for the response to all the questions. There is so much to unpack, but I agree the priority is how to return and be around DD when all this is going on and you have endured a lot of awful abuse.

I have been thinking of different options and I think I would write something to DD before returning. I would make it fairly short and strong sounding – even though you feel absolutely devastated. You want things to move forward and I think to write something, then go home might help this – or not, but you would have said something. You know DD so you will know best but this might be an example. Notice I am not saying 'love mom' or anything like that. I think keeping away from emotion is less triggering.

Hi DD. I will be coming home on xxxxxx. It has been good to have some time – and it probably has been good for you too. We are both grieving, you especially. I understand that but still find the way to speak to me extremely hurtful and unacceptable.

I can see that if I engage with you when you are in this emotional state, it only makes it worse for you. So when this happens I think that not responding will be the best option for both of us because it will give you time to reset. I think this could help us communicate better and move things forward so we are not stuck in the painful situation for long. xx

I think anyone in your situation would feel emotionally drained and burned out. What you are doing is a lot of emotional caretaking for your husband. It's good you are learning about boundaries, and that you are taking the first step to change for yourself. It can be done, in steps. Take this one step at a time. To make a change like acting on a boundary is a change for you and for your husband. He is used to this level of emotional caretaking and when you pull back, he will likely emotionally react. On your part, you will need to have some emotional stamina to manage your own feelings if/when this happens.

First, I hope you can believe in yourself and your self worth. You are not a bad wife, you are a worthy being. You are a good person. IMHO ( and we are not professionals here but have walked this path with a BPD person) the first thing you need is some self care, some support and get counseling. Yes, he's the one with the disorder but couseling for you is to support you as you make personal changes.

Between us women here- 6-10 hours is beyond excessive. I can't speak for the guys, but this would be exhausting and stressful, physically and emotionally for you, and probably for him too. Intimacy is important in marriage, but not if it's emotionally and physically taxing for you.

This is one example of a boundary- what is your body and what is his body. His issue may be medical, emotional, or a side effect of a medication but- it's his body that is having the issue, not yours and you can not fix a medical issue. It isn't your fault. Something else is going on here. It may be that he functions when he's alone but not with you, or he's got a physical/emotional/medical issue. If he's truly concerned and wants to fix this, he would be willing to see a doctor to get checked. A boundary is that you can leave this issue to him to solve, but I think emotionally it would be scary for you to do this all at once. This is why a counselor can help support you as you do start with boundaries. But know- you are OK just the way you are. There's nothing wrong with you and you are a good and worthy person. For boundaries to be effective, we need to be emotionally ready to do this.

My BPD mother was very emotionally needy. While this wasn't a marital relationship, her emotional needs were with other relationships too. She also didn't want to be alone. She wanted someone to be with her all the time.  If we did leave her alone to run an errand, she'd call every few minutes asking where we were and when we'd get back. This was emotionally taxing on my father and also other family members.

At the bottom of all of this was her extreme anxiety. If she was alone, she'd feel completely overcome by this. Having someone around her was one way she coped with it. However, I think this is common with pwBPD. The "reason" stated is not the actual reason. She didn't have the insight, or could not admit to feeling anxious, or ask directly, so she'd come up with some other reason to get someone to stay with her. She might ask for help with a task and then drag the task out so long, it might even not get done.

While your husband may have a medical issue and that should be checked out, another possible reason for wanting you to be "helping him" for 6-10 hours is that is 6-10 hours with you being with him, focusing on him. It may be that his actual need is emotional.

While there is no specific medicine for BPD, medicines for anxiety did seem to help my mother's anxiety. It didn't eliminate it but it helped her manage and she was able to tolerate being along better- not perfectly- but better.

First though- you need to take care of you. You are worth it!! Your task is to find a counselor for support. Next, if you can, take husband to get a check up for his issues and possible medication. If he won't go- that's on him, but you can still make changes, with support of a counselor, for your own well being.

Self care is important - can you find some time for just you? Some ideas- on the way home from work, stop at a coffee shop, get a nice hot tea, and sit for a while. Even a few minutes, just to be alone. You can increase that as you go along. Can you go get your nails done? Take a walk? Anything to help you fill up your emotional tank a bit- this and the counseling are first steps.

Hi there,
Thanks for writing in.  It looks like you have very good insight into your family members.  Glad you reached out to this forum for support network.  Also glad you have your spouse, but a community of like minded people really helps.  I am sorry about your family's health crises. A lot of times these things dysregulates the BPD person  into blaming,name calling, etc.  They cannot handle not being in control.  Thanks for joining this forum as a good first step to self care.

Hi and I am sorry you are going through this. Does your daughter live with you? Also, good she is in therapy.  Manipulation is unfortunately very common,  and maybe the therapist will be aware? Hard to say.  However, have you considered therapy for you? You made a great 1st step reaching out to this forum.  We all need a network of support dealing with our adult BPD. Please write in as you are able.  This group is here for you..

Hi and welcome.
While there is nothing much you can do about your daughter's relationship, you can get help for yourself.  Coming here is a good first step.  Continuing in therapy will help ,especially with establishing boundaries with her.  Does she live with you during g the week?

Thank you for your response SuperDaddy. I just learned about boundaries. I didn't even know it was a thing until recently. I don't think my husband has any, and he expects me to not have any too. If I set boundaries I am afraid he will feel unloved, call me selfish. I'll feel like a bad wife. I've always had a hard time saying no in my life. We even joke about it. No I'm not afraid of losing this relationship. I'd actually be relieved, but that will never happen. He relies on me for everything. I do love him, but I'm exhausted and stressed to the max.

Hi MiserareNobis , and welcome to the BPD family.

Everyone gets affected when their spouse has a serious mental disorder that is so taxing. However, the lack of boundaries has taken this too far. I'll ask some questions, and in case you feel comfortable answering any of them, the other members will have better information to help you out. Here are my questions:

1) Can you elaborate more on why you don't know how to set boundaries?
2) Do you fear his negative reaction? How do you feel when he gets upset?
3) Are you afraid of losing this relationship?

My BPD daughter is being charged with stalking a long time friend.  The two, both with serious mental issues, had a major falling out about ten months ago.  My daughter, who says she wants to never have anything to do with this person has, apparently, been trying to regain the friendship by constantly calling, following, leaving notes and little presents and even bothering this lady’s neighbors to find out where she is.  The friend has now filed a request for a restraining order.  My daughter is denying this and is planning to tell her story in court.  My daughter’s  boyfriend of six years passed away a few months before this all started.  She lost him and then also this friend.  My daughter does not acknowledge that she has any problems, it’s everyone else.  I’ve convinced her to see a counselor but my daughter is manipulative and only wants the counselor to support her, so she does not speak the truth.  This type of behavior has been going on for the last forty years. For her son, my grandson, he has lived with this for all of his 21 years. Her behavior has severely impacted our lives and we are at a loss as to what to do.  Thank you.

I am pretty sure my husband has BPD/NPD. Looking back, the signs have always been there, but he had a mental health crisis in Feb 2022 and since then it's been intense. I have to spend all my time with him. 100% one on one direct attention on my days off and he comes and meets me for my 30 min lunch break on work days. He doesn't work. I don't get any time with our children. He wants sex twice a day preferably or at least daily. However, he struggles with sexual dysfunction. So on my days off we spend at least 6-10 hours a day trying to get him to climax which we are lately unsuccessful at. I wish I was dead. I've encouraged him to go to the doctor, therapy. He just gets mad at me for "not understanding". Everything is my fault. If I just did this better or that better. I need encouragement. I don't know how to set boundaries. Every day I talk myself out of suicide. Thank you for this forum.

Over the years many have found it necessary to end all communication after a dysfunctional relationship ends.  Of course, an exception would be if there are shared children.  In that case, parenting issues would necessitate at least a minimum of communication.

Apparently you have some contact with your ex?  While that may be a nice gesture on your part, sort of basic civility, we've found that continuing contact generally can be counterproductive.