HoooOOOooowee nothing like a Thursday morning spiral to remind me I'm in the right direction! Along with it come observations:

(a) I am not engaging with the rage bate or responding to accusations.
(b) My nerves recovered much more quickly this time, and I stayed emotionally grounded.
(c) My desire to argue the logic of statements and/or accusations has left... there's just no arguing with her version of the world.

Recovered. Didn't engage. Moved forward.

Did make me wonder: how often do you think they peruse this site? I'm guessing that's happened (especially in contested environments).

Off to a phone call with my mediator. I'm not revealing anything to her about my wife's condition as it's irrelevant to mediation. That's a next step, can't-get-mediation-to-work reveal. We'll see.

Have a good day, all.

Hi again,

I think it would be unwise to dump your feelings of guilt and justification for estrangement onto your niece.  I know that might sound harsh, but that's how I think your niece would take it.  Why?  Because right now you two don't have much of a relationship.  Reaching out with a long, complicated, emotionally-charged missive is just way too much.  Plus, it might get back to her mom.

My guess is that since you haven't been in your niece's life much at all, she probably doesn't think about you very often.  She's probably thinking about school and upcoming parties.  Getting a long message from you, out of the blue, tinged with feelings of guilt, would not only seem out of place, but also unwelcome in my opinion.  You two aren't in a place yet to exchange deep feelings, regrets and remorse.  I think you just want to open the door for a relationship, without being intrusive.  Save any guilt or apologies for later, ideally in person, only if SHE asks about you.  In fact, if that happens, I would advise to focus on the future, rather than any negativity from the past.  I'd say, keep things very light, very short, and focussed on HER, not you.  Like, Happy Birthday!  Or Wishing you the best at school!  She probably has heard how horrible you are, but at the same time, she might realize her mom is an extremely angry and jealous person, and her dad has always been weird about family.  Therefore it might take some time to rebuild trust and show her you aren't evil.  But if you overwhelm her with your feelings and justification about how you were forced to cut off contact with her family because of how they treated you, my guess is that it would backfire, because she's only heard her parents' version of events.  In fact, my guess is that she'd take your guilt as "proof" that you're psycho.  She doesn't want to deal with that anyway.  My guess is she just wants to have fun with her friends.

My sense is that you are wracked with guilt and longing for family relationships.  That's understandable!  But I'd say, don't mix your intense feelings and needs with those of the kids.  They are kids.  They don't want to hear, let alone deal with, other adults' emotions, rivalries, tales, past traumas, etc.  They aren't really interested in you at all.  I think the focus should be on them.  Let her come to you.

Just my two cents.

That's right.  Family!  We'll get through this together.

It sounds like you have dealt with so much, and are continuing to deal with and carry so much. Sending care and strength.

Something i have found is that feelings of exhaustion and depletion creep up when there is a lull in other pressures in your life. It's like your bodymind knows how to stave off the crisis until there is space for it. Getting physically ill can also happen at the same time, or feelings and traumas from other incidents (like your childhood ptsd).

One strategy that i have tried is to remind myself that these feelings aren't a sign of failure, but that things are getting directionally better as you say and you now have time to process what was previously put off.

Sending care xx

Things I read, or which were said, over time after discard which have become more and more obviously true over time, and might be helpful to others:

1. The relationship, or rather, interaction (a relationship requires genuine participation in both directions) was not special, but rather deeply repetitive and un-unique. It was part of a toxic cycle the BPD person began well before you appeared, and it will continue well after you are gone.

2. The red flags were there from the beginning. At a certain point, asking why you overlooked them will be more helpful than relitigating the BPD's toxic and unreasonable behaviour.

3. You were not loved, you were flattered and mirrored.

4. The positive qualities the BPD latched onto are real and still with you. They are incapable of love, but they can illuminate for you what you consider loveable in yourself.

5. You will never get answers from a disordered person. And if you did, they would be meaningless.

6. Go and be yourself and hold onto your integrity! It's all you have.

I’m so sorry. That’s a rough position to be in.

Why didn’t they give us a manual for this in SexEd? Hah!

Tonight I packed away pictures and memories. I don’t want to destroy them yet but I don’t want them in my apartment. I read a lot of cards. I think she meant what she wrote. She was earnest in those moments. But the moments clouded and the emotions rolled in.

I’ll be happy when this is behind me. And when it is, I’m going to be here whenever I can to help others who are seeking.

Thank you all so much for absorbing my pain while you can, how you can. I come here instead of Instagram (off of it) and this is my anti-drug.

Family.

Thank you all for the beautiful and encouraging replies. I’ve found them very helpful and it’s also nice to not feel alone in dealing with these types of situations.

When it comes to my niece, everyone seems to be in agreement that keeping the second email short and very basic is the way to go. Do you think there is any benefit in me addressing that I realize that after being absent from her life for so long and my very complicated relationship with her parents, attempting to rebuild a relationship is a big ask.
And maybe it’s not possible at this time. I want to tell her that cutting off contact with her family was not an easy decision, and loosing touch with her was the hardest part of that and for that I am very sorry but I do take responsibility for making that decision when I did.
Is that way too detailed? I guess I’m trying to understand how to show her I take responsibility for being absent but want her to know I’m still here and that my decision to go no contact  had nothing to do with her and that I love and care about her. I don’t know if I’ll have it in me to message her on birthdays or milestones if I never hear back but I want to try to open the door if she ever wants to reach out.

They crave validation, so you can never go wrong with a "It's really impressive the way you...", fill in the blank, handled the phone call with her mother, got lunch prepared on short notice, didn't lose her temper at work, whatever. That should get you 1-2/week easily.

Hi again,

Though I bet you're stressed out about your daughter's situation and upset that she's abusing drugs and self-sabotaging, I see a few good things going on here.  First, she completed rehab.  That's great.  And second, she's starting the IOP.  You made it sound like she choose to do the IOP herself, and that is wonderful in my opinion.  I'm really hoping that she followed her doctors' recommendations and made that choice voluntarily, rather than feel "forced" into therapy by you.  That means she's starting to take some responsibility for her life, and it's a key change in mindset, maybe even a turning point in her life.

I know you'd want your daughter to work and be able to support herself, but I'd emphasize thinking in terms of baby steps right now.  Your daughter is facing a double-whammy:  dealing with addiction and BPD.  Furthermore, if her life was totally messed up before she went into rehab, then to expect her to do a 180, start therapy, start working and start supporting herself right away is as delusional as is her thinking about the world.  My advice?  Let her focus on therapy for the time being.  Let her get into a healthier daily routine.  She should be following doctors' (and/or therapists') orders, from medications to healthy eating to establishing a good sleep schedule, and doing whatever follow-up programs they recommend.  That is her number one priority.  Once she has taken those baby steps and had some success, I think she can build some positive momentum.  I'd say, only then would she consider some sort of employment, but in my humble opinion, I'd recommend starting small there, too, with something easy at first, like dog walking.  But once she takes those baby steps and sees some success, she'll bolster her confidence and might be able to increase her hours and/or responsibilities.  If she's really committed, my hope is that she could turn her life around in a few months' time.

I think the other good news is that your daughter is still young.  She can turn her life around before BPD completely derails it.  She has you, probably her strongest ally on her journey.

Look, I totally understand the feelings of resentment, as well as finding the fine line between support and enablement.  Many parents here struggle with that daily.  I really liked your description of how you slowed down your responses to your daughter whenever she reaches out to you in a crisis.  I call that approach "slow walking."  You're available, but you don't jump in right away to manage your daughter's emotions or solve her problems.  Instead, you give her time and space to calm down, self-regulate and maybe even figure some things out on her own.  (Meanwhile, you give yourself a time out to ensure you're in a good place when you eventually talk with her.)  Bravo!  The same sort of approach can happen with the parental ATM.  You slow down the flow of cash to her.  I wouldn't recommend going cold turkey, but just slow walking, gradually weaning her off your financial support.  If she asks for money, your default response is along the lines of, "I have to think about it, I'll let you know later," or maybe, "I don't have any money to spare until my next paycheck."  As for financial support generally, my litmus test is--Is daughter generally doing what she's supposed to be doing (getting therapy, working part-time, working on herself, getting training, etc.), and some money will support her; or Am I working overtime so she doesn't have to work at all while using illicit substances, ordering DoorDash and blaming me for ruining her life?  Granted, your daughter will have some setbacks, but is she getting back on track quickly?  In my opinion, the direction of movement is more important than speed right now, and if temporary financial support helps her stay on track, then it's probably worth it. 

Having said that, you need to put yourself first.  You shouldn't ruin your finances in an attempt to "save" your daughter.  If she's not working on herself or getting therapy, she definitely will not stop asking you for money until you are completely broke.  Don't let her dysfunction or addiction take you down right along with her, OK?  My other financial advice would be not to make any grand "investments" in your daughter unless you are prepared to lose the money.  She might ask for tuition, money to move, money for a car so she can get to work, whatever.  Sure, the "narrative" sounds positive--she wants to go back to school, she wants to get to work, etc.--but she hasn't really proven anything yet.  Look, your daughter is a full-fledged adult right now.  If she wants to get more schooling, buy a car, move someplace else, get therapy, etc., SHE has to be the one to make it happen, not you or your money.  I'd say, ensure your daughter pays for a meaningful part of any big "investment" she claims she needs from you.  That way, she has skin in the game, and she gets in the habit of taking responsibility for her life and working towards her long-term goals.  Does that make sense? 

I've been in a similar spot regarding the pets.  Look, just because your daughter has pets doesn't give her the right to take them into your home if you don't want them.  You shouldn't feel forced to let your daughter live with you, either, especially if she is abusive or using.  You need to establish boundaries around your home, which is supposed to be a sanctuary.  If your daughter is desperate for housing, then she can find a new home for her pet(s), if and when you let her live with you.  Of course, the easiest thing for your daughter is to demand that you let her take her pets into your home.  But if you don't want them, you need to say No, it's your home.  She can accept that or find another place to live, it's her choice.  My guess is that if you make that clear, she'll find another solution for the pets.  YOU need to have your boundaries, as well as give her time and space to find a solution.  If you're patient, she might surprise you.  Trust me on this one.  I've been amazed by how my adult BPD stepdaughter has found solutions to problems that initially seemed "impossible" for her without parental support.  What she really needed was a firm NO, her parents weren't going to be the solution to her problem, but that she had the option to figure out something on her own. Where there's a will, there's a way.  Sometimes the most important job parents is to get out of the way of their adult children, hard as that might feel initially.  Does that make sense?

Hi everyone,

It feels surreal to be posting here again. These forums were a deep sense of comfort for me (30 F) two years ago, when I suffered my first breakup with my pwBPD (31 M). He initiated it that time. We spent two months apart before beginning to repair and go on dates again. I learned so much in that time, and we truly came back together stronger and more stable than before.

For context -- he is diagnosed and has been in therapy for 4 years. He's also an alcoholic in recovery and has been sober for 5 years. I met him sober. He does care about his recovery but often doesn't take it as seriously as (I feel) he should. For example, he hasn't worked the steps in years, and doesn't practice DBT anymore with his individual therapist.

Almost two months ago now, I ended things with him. I had just bought my first home, and to make a very long story short, he deeply took away from the joy of that experience. From raging insecurities, accusing me of just buying a house to "have power and authority over others," constant comparisons, tainting joyous occasions, complaints over "how far behind he is in his life" .... Each time he hurt me, I'd attempt to communicate my hurt and express my experience. I was told I was being overly critical and that he "couldn't do anything right." Finally, he texted me "I hate you." Never once since I met him 4+ years ago had he said that to me. I ended it.

The ensuing ~2 months has been nothing short of devastating. My body feels on fire with regret and pain. I've turned so many old moments over in my mind, recognizing my own contributions to the relationship (co-dependence, and realizing the extent to which my behavior mirrors that of my emotionally abusive mother) with an indescribably searing shame... causing this breakup to be significantly worse than the first. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've lost interest in all the things that make me happy, and I don't want to take care of myself. I'm emotionally exhausted, and the contrast of now having this house -- something that should be a proud achievement -- but no one to share it with, makes my entire life feel empty and pointless. I wish I was exaggerating, but this is the lowest I've felt since I was suicidal and depressed ~10 years ago. I am typically a very strong and driven person with a good sense of self/self-esteem/self respect. Now, I feel like I am utterly weak with no sense of self-respect at all. And I miss him more than I can say.

Add to that that my BPD ex and I have been speaking, but are in constant limbo. After a brief initial week of NC, I went to his place and we spoke briefly. He said he deeply regretted saying "I hate you," and that the ball is in my court, that he feels terrible I'm not his gf anymore. He asked if we could talk more in another week once he returned from a business trip. I said yes. He then suffered a serious relapse scare on his business trip, and was intensely dysregulated/in episodes for ~3 weeks. I saw him a few times but we didn't speak much in between and he didn't emotionally dump on me during that time. He's been feeling more normal now for the last ~2 weeks. We weren't able to have any conversations about our relationship until very recently, last Thursday. I apologized for much of my behavior and described new tools I'd found to work on myself, should he want to repair as I wanted to. He said that he hasn't had enough time to think about things, is still very confused, and doesn't know what to do.

Of the times we've seen each other during the breakup, he has always told me he loves me, he misses me, he misses our family (no kids, just pets). He misses being my best friend and laughing with me, he misses all the good things. He's maintained that he feels lonely and craves love and comfort. He says he's confused because he doesn't know if he can handle being in a relationship at this time (especially since he is very career focused), and he isn't trusting that anything could be different if we were to try again.

I saw him most recently on Monday, when we determined it was too difficult for us to see each other while he was still unsure of what he wanted. We agreed to take a week of space and check in this coming Monday.

I know I want repair, and I so desperately wish for another opportunity to do better. I'm also so in the throes of this limbo period that I don't know what's best for me, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle the potential different outcomes Monday could bring. I feel so devastated and barely able to function, yet (similar to last time) I see him happy to jump into his career and he seems, from a distance, totally fine now that he's regulated. He's even told me he's happy, aside from missing me.

I don't know how to manage how I'm feeling, or pour into myself at this time. Any advice would be so, so helpful. Thank you in advance.