Thanks for answering my post Not Wendy, very good of you to take the time.

Yes he may be getting worse with age (we are both 77) but he has always been like this - with directions, travelling and watching shows. He was dyslexic as a young person and didn’t over come it and get educated until in his forties when I met him. He will sort of admit to high functioning autism and has told me he thinks his daughters are like this. The only time I tried to bring up BPD he said “I don’t like  those personality disorder definitions” He doesn’t like a lot of things or should I say almost everything.

As far as getting him assessed, this would be, I would say impossible. I can’t even get him to renew his heart pill prescriptions he should be taking as he had a triple bypass 3 years ago. He has Type 2 diabetes and started taking medication but again as the prescriptions ran out he won’t go back to the doctor to get them renewed. I try to see we eat as healthy as possible, but sometimes he’ll just do something crazy regarding sugar intake and then complain how he had dreadful sweats during the night and feels terrible. It isn’t easy living with him!!  this is an understatement.

He has taken a liking to my youngest grandson who is 22 months. . We’ve minded him 2 days a week since he was a baby and they both really love each other. It is amazing to see how he knows how to put the little ones’ interests before his own, yet cannot do it with anyone else.
Thanks to whoever is reading. It really does help to get it out doesn’t it?

Why not? Have you ever tried it?

Well, I'm talking from personal experience. I think that counts.

Thank you all ❤️. Your experience keeps me from trying to convince myself that now that my son has a great job with insurance. . that all will be magically better. I saw my therapist today and he looks right at me as says you are experiencing a lull for now but his issues will surface again. (I want to get sick - this lull has been nice even though my mind runs with worries)  Anyway, Pook and CC you are both aware I have been wanting nudge my son to get some tools such as dbt. I've tried to get time alone with him these last two weekends - even going to his house. It hasn't worked out. I shared that with my therapist and he mentioned I'm too invested emotionally in him taking my advice right now. That I need to focus on myself, my anxiety, setting boundaries with people and in situations which aren't too threatening. So that when my son reacts I will have that experience of pushing through discomfort and anxiety so I don't fold so easily. That seemed like wise advice.
Dav - I'm really glad you shared. I think we have the same son. Same words, demands, blame, foaming at the mouth. ..
This is a hard walk and I have to say I couldn't do it without all your support and knowing I'm not alone.

Hi there,

I can relate, as I have an adult BPD stepdaughter with some overlapping issues.  I'd say she hasn't been as high functioning as your daughter, but after getting intensive treatment, she's on a better path now.  Like your daughter, she obsesses over her looks--skin, weight, facial features, hair color.  She's spent significant time and money (which she hasn't earned herself) for cosmetic treatments.  At times she has been furious at her dad because he refused to pay for cosmetic procedures.  I wonder if she has a touch of narcissism alongside her BPD, as she is highly focused on looks and desperately wants to be admired.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you have been focusing on your daughter's romantic relationship, thinking her fiance is a prime source of your daughter's issues.  While it's true he could be a negative influence, by my reading, most everything you wrote about sounds like classic BPD.  I'll mention my stepdaughter again, as she has every single one of these issues, even though a romantic partner isn't in the picture at all:

*anxieties related to appearance (clothing, skin, weight, etc.)
*blaming others for everything wrong in her life
*significant problems with interpersonal relationships spanning all sorts of situations and timeframes--family, friends, romantic partners, other students, roommates, co-workers/bosses
*feeling insecure and lesser than others, especially siblings
*tantrums; she can "go off the rails" at any minute, over seemingly nothing
*she frequently needs to be rescued; though she's an adult, she can't quite seem to solve problems on her own
*though she's seemingly capable, she needs others to over-function for her and pay most if not all of her rent/tuition/health insurance/car/living expenses
*victim mentality
*estrangement from family members; blocking, periods of no contact
*clinginess; demandingness for unfaltering attention
*twisting facts to make herself out to be a victim
*hurling unfounded accusations at the people closest to her

In my opinion, this has nothing to do with your daughter's fiance and everything to do with BPD.  Your daughter's choices typically aren't driven by logic, planning or foresight, but by intense, unmet emotional needs and super-sized reactions.  Indeed your daughter seems high-functioning, because she is pursuing an advanced degree and has maintained a serious romantic relationship for an extended time period.  And yet, she is beset by negativity, she has misplaced anger, and her relationships seem dysfunctional.

In my opinion, the victim mindset is perhaps the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless over her own life.  She expects everyone to change and cater to her relentless needs.  She has volatile emotional outbursts and blames others for all her problems, while she conveys her distress through verbal lashings out, punctuated by cutting people out of her life.  That thinking and behavioral pattern sets herself up for constant instability in her life.  It can lead to dysfunction, marked by a trail of bad decisions and ruptured relationships.

As a parent, what do you do?  First off, know that you are not to blame.  Second, understand that you are not responsible for your daughter's feelings--she is.  Third, you need to try to stop enabling bad behavior.  I think that pwBPD can be slow learners, because their thinking is all over the place, and mostly negative.  Further, they are used to people around them over-functioning for them, in the name of keeping them from harm.  Thus bad behavior has some perverse incentives--it seems that the more she acts out, the more attention/money/concessions/help she gets!  I think you need to start letting your daughter face the natural consequences of her decisions; otherwise, she'll never learn.  If she goes off the rails in an angry rant, disengage without blaming/JADEing and give her a time out to calm down (e.g. "I need a break and will talk later").  If she disenrolls from university, fine, you respect that decision, but she has to start making payments on her student loans.  If she breaks up with her boyfriend, fine, she'll have to find another living situation herself.  If she sets a wedding date, great, that's her choice, and you treat her fiance with as much respect as you can muster.  She's an adult, and she needs to live in the "real world" to learn how the "real world" works.  She won't listen to your advice anyway, because there's too much blame and emotional baggage there.  I'd say, for now, don't give her any advice unless she asks for it.  You see, your role needs to transition from one of provider/nurturer to cheerleader/trusted adviser, because that's what should happen when your kids reach adulthood.  In the meantime, you focus on living your life.  In fact, I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  How does that sound?

Hello everyone. I can’t believe I have missed all your wonderful and helpful posts. I never received any notification of a response to my original thread before today.

My daughter is now 23. Somehow we managed to get her through college (she just graduated in December) but in between this time there has also been therapists, meds, psychiatrists a couple car accidents and a dwi. To say it’s been overwhelming and depressing is an understatement. I’m a single parent an her dad is not very involved in her life which is much of the issue. He lives down the road but despite having Carte Blanche to her life he’s at best a once every couple months ice cream uncle. She’s back home for the last two days since graduation and it has become incredibly difficult. My own health feels like it’s suffering.

To answer someone question, yes I have heard of Nami and neabpd. I have taken the three months parent course, learned the skills and also now feel like I need to right the ship again.  I am not an estranged mother but would love to speak to those ladies so whoever gave me that phone number, thank you so much.

I need parent support desperately. I may create my own in the area. I’m in north Texas so if you need a group let me know.

Thank you all for your kind and supportive responses.

Definitely just a 'ping' she's sending out to see if you're still there. She could chat to you properly if she wanted but that's not what she wants at the moment; she just wants reassurance that she has another option if her current situation changes.

Her boyfriend is probably totally unaware she's been messaging you, so she's playing him too.  As I said, unless you want to get back on the train again, it's best to not respond to her as that only tells her you're still interested.

Hard to do I know, but think long term.

I think you are correct in looking at the behavior- looking at these videos, as being the cause of her unhappiness and it's understandable you would want to hear from posters whose wives did the same. Another way to look at this is what is driving the behavior- emotionally. Other poster's spouses may not have the same behavior- looking at videos but could have similar dynamics going on.

Looking at these videos can be addictive- whatever the content. Underlying every addiction is that addictions are escapes from uncomfortable feelings, so videos, alcohol, drugs, shopping- all are driven by emotions.

PwBPD don't perceive their uncomfortable feelings as being from them. They project them. The feelings must be your fault. She has found a source that validates her feelings. This is a difficult situation because, she's found "proof" of her projections, that the feelings are your fault, in these videos.

No, my BPD mother didn't do the exact same thing because the technology wasn't available. However, she did find validation in books, in speaking to people who believed her version (triangulation). She also threatened divorce frequently but didn't go through with it. I agree that this technology would have probably increased the problem due to the algorithm but without it, there are other ways.

The question- why are you more of the target after 30 years? BPD affects the closest relationships the most. It's possible that not that you are retired you are more available to her, and so experiencing more of the projections.

BPD behaviors are maladaptive coping mechanisms. Yes, the videos are a problem but it's possible they are not the entire cause of the problem but a result of how your wife is coping with her feelings.

You are correct that you can't control her behavior. All we can do is control our own reactions to it. That you may be spending time defending yourself, or being apologetic may also be reinforcing her feelings and attention is a reinforcer. But if it's not true- you don't have to defend it. What you can do is not be as available to her to discuss it and spend less time refuting it. If she threatens divorce, reply that you don't want that, but then spend less time discussing it. If she truly wanted that, she'd take action. It may be just words in the moment.

Reading about the Karpman triangle may help you understand the dymamics. My mother- and I think pwBPD in general- took victim perspective. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
Other people were either in rescuer or persecutor position with her. Sometimes you are rescuer, sometimes she sees you as persecutor. This is her disordered thinking from BPD.

It is stressful to be accused. No, you don't admit to something you are not but you can validate the feelings. You might consider that during the times things are good between you, someone or something else might be in "persecutor" position, moving you out of it. We, her family members, and later on, her health  care team- someone was her focus- maybe her terrible children, or the terrible nurse.

Yes, the videos are a problem but they also could be the behavior that is driven by her BPD and her feelings.

More odd behaviour yesterday. My son came downstairs having been on the phone to his mum. He said, mum said do you want anything from McDonald’s. She then came and dropped some food off for us both, although my son went outside and collected it from her. Seems a bit weird to me.

Another thought - could he be high functioning on the spectrum? That can also appear like BPD in some ways- difficulty with relationships, anger meltdowns. That could explain his interpreting things literally "a northerly wind" must be going north, because the word "north" is in it and not understanding your reply to a question if it's not put in a way he understands. Both pwBPD and high functioning people on the spectrum "mask" in public but may have different reasons to do so.

He may function brilliantly in his academic world, where the focus is on research, facts, but at home, where things aren't as structured to his interest may be more confusing to him. He could be both an expert in his academic focus and lack common sense in other areas of his world at home.

Either way, on the spectrum or BPD, he could also have memory issues. The relative I mentioned with memory issues is also very intelligent and educated and this change was noticed by family.

I wonder if he is beginning to have memory issues. I can't recall how old he is but pwBPD can also have age related issues. BPD may complicate the behaviors but if he's having trouble remembering things, not following the plot is a memory aspect, getting lost, forgetting what you said to him- consider getting him evaluated. I have an older relative who does these same things, but doesn't have BPD and it is due to having memory problems.