It's very common that the intimate partner of the pwBPD begins to feel a bit like them and have their emotions line a roller coaster. Then, you may regret things that you did in the heat of the emotion. But you can plan in advance about what you will and won't do, and then it's easier to avoid regretful behaviors.

In the end, all that really matters to me is if it works or not. Retaliating to the abuse may seem to work at the moment because it makes you feel better about it, but in the long run, it doesn't work for the relationship or the family.


I think you should take a deeper dive to analyze what you just wrote: "I am slowly dying."

For your relationship with someone that has BPD to work, you need to survive the provocations and the push-pull that happens within it. For that, you need to heal your inner wounds. That means to work out all of your emotional dependency traits, which inherently come from childhood—and you might not know them. The book "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" can help you to do that. If you're unsure, the book "Running on Empty" will help you to understand what you may have missed from your parents (and teach you to be a better one as well).

Regardless of the relationship status, that dive should transform you into a healthier and happier person.

I wonder how often when we hear a person has "quiet BPD" the reality is it's just regular BPD, but the non-disordered partner has simply given up or allows way more than is healthy & if they exercised any sort of reasonable boundaries and started asserting themselves, they'd find that their "quiet BPD" significant other actually has quite "loud BPD."

Hi @naakrakeb , and welcome!

Sometimes, long wall-of-text posts don't get answered, but for me it's ok because I use text-to-speech (read-aloud extension) 

It's very nice that both of you were friends before and could talk about everything. That makes it a good start for the relationship, because you both got to know each other before getting intimate.

However, this is a very dangerous combination: her having BPD and having cheated back on her exes and you having insecure attachment. Honestly, it doesn't look like this will end well. Because it is clearly impossible for you to fulfill her needs, and it seems like eventually she will need more than just you. Being awake all night long to help her out by phone is definitely something I do not recommend. It sounds like going too far and committing yourself too much for someone with whom you aren't married yet, and I don't think it is helpful in the long run for either of you.

Be careful about the stories you were hearing from her. She was portraying herself as a victim, but even if she is being truthful, that's still her side of the story, seen through her BPD lens. Was it really always them who took the first step in cheating? Did she regularly provoke them? Why did she need to cheat on them as well, instead of just breaking up the relationship?

In the beginning of my relationship with my wife, she would keep talking to exes while in my place and did it so freely. And she added an extremely sexy picture to her profile on a social messaging app, in which she was showing her back in a bikini, and it was like the kind of pictures that prostitutes use. Also, she proudly told me that she had cheated on all of her exes. I then asked what she wanted from me, if she wanted a closed relationship, and she confirmed it, so I got confused. Little did I know, it was all pure provocation, and in reality the cheating stories were fake. But I took it as real, so I thought, "Well, at least she is being honest with me, and that's what matters." My solution for that was to propose a one-sided open relationship. That might sound crazy, but we actually signed a contract on paper specifying the rules.

For me, cheating is the betrayal, not the act of getting involved with someone else. In open relationships, being with someone else is allowed, within certain rules. The book "Sex at Dawn" has helped me a lot to understand that and change my way of thinking about relationships. It turns out that she never got to use her right to be with someone else and confessed her lies. But the simple fact of having made her a concession at the beginning gave me some comfort, because then she wouldn't have a reason to deceive me.

By the way, I have already experienced an open relationship in the past, and it was splendid, with zero issues ever. Because she had excellent emotional control, like me. I felt very involved and kind of in love but didn't have plans to build a family with her, because my attraction to her wasn't strong enough. Yet, sometimes I fantasize about having her as my secondary wife in a Y relationship. I fantasize that they would be close friends and that my stable secondary wife would help me to remain positive and joyful while handling the BPD wife (the primary one).

The book teaches us that most human couples weren't monogamous until the advent of agriculture, which began to split people into small nuclear families, creating land as their inheritable property and, moreover, instituting the concept of marriage.

Hi @sheetmetaldog , and welcome!

I'm curious to know if the name you choose has any specific meaning. I would think that a sheet metal dog seems shiny and strong from the outside, but in reality it is hollow inside?

I'm not sure what she was afraid of. YouTube doesn't have porn. Maybe she thought you were hiding your social media?

You said it lasted for two hours. During this period, were you mostly quiet, or were you participating in a nonsense conversation, trying to use counterarguments for nonsense accusations? I'm thinking both options would tend to fail.

Personally, I would get a bit angry at her for making all that fuss without allowing me to talk (I'm guessing she didn't). I would certainly not mirror her response but would express my dissatisfaction with her attitude right there. Usually, when people get falsely accused of something, they don't like it. Maybe she thought you were guilty simply because you didn't have a negative reaction to her accusation?

If someone accused me of cheating when I didn't, then trying to empathize could sound like a confession. Maybe she needs you to be a bit more firm in those moments, showing self-confidence in the fact that you are not hiding anything. Or perhaps you should not try to get a word in at all but show your deep frustration with her attitude. If we hide our emotions, they think we don't have them, and they keep stepping over us. Because they don't understand what it is to fully conceal our emotions—that's something they can't do.

Hi @MaxUmbra , and welcome.

Usually the pwBPD will struggle to know what they really need and then complain about something else instead. They might also not want to share their conscious thoughts due to shame. So maybe you'll have to learn by trial and error rather than by asking him.

Just being understanding and patient may not work well because what they say is not the core issue, and they may spiral out of control by themselves within their own cycles of rumination. Trying to solve the superficial problem that they report using logic doesn't work either. To say something useful, you would have to understand the core issue beneath it, which could be, for instance, their unstable sense of self, or feelings of unworthiness, or shame, etc.

And they may not know how to name it. My wife is learning now that she struggles with a lot of identity disturbance, but when she is affected by that it's hard for her to figure that out.

Can you give me any advice on how you navigate missing his 16 year old son?

As I said we blended our family’s and we became such a tight unit and I grew very fond of his son. When his father left to go to this friend that he is now in a relationship with, he left his son with me. He was telling me he was coming home as I’ve said and just needed to get well. Once I found out about the affair which he continued to deny- I told him that he needs to come and get his son. When his son had to go I was devastated and inconsolable. I broke down, I felt like the rug was being pulled from under me. Our beautiful blended family was no more.

I miss his son so much and he told me he didn’t want to go but he knew that he had to. We said that we would keep in touch which we have to a degree. However it is incredibly awkward for him as he is now living with his dad and this woman with her kids in her house. I want to support him and reach out more but I have held back as I know that I have to maintain a healthy boundary now that me and his dad aren’t together anymore.

Also I found out that this new relationship has had some issues regarding her children seeing things and the friends ex partner has expressed concerns about the relationship as his children have reached out to him about things they have seen that are concerning that may pertain to self harm. I feel that a relationship that has started so quickly with someone in acute mental health crisis, who is drinking and agoraphobic and has undiagnosed BPD is not a recipe for a sustainable healthy relationship.

I feel like he has chosen to be with her because coming back to me would require work, accountability, taking action to address MH and alcoholism. It would require him to confront the shame and the guilt around his actions. Instead it is like he has just decided on the easier option. What do people think about that?

Also does anyone think that he will reach out? It’s like I’m invisible. It really is a bitter pill to swallow. I know it’s an illness but I don’t see how you can just stop loving someone, just like that.

He has been really horrible to his family as well and blocked some of them. He really is playing the victim and trying to restore his reputation. He doesn’t want to be seen as this guy who has ran off from his partner and children due to a breakdown and had an affair. Why not have just been honest about it? But he was caught out because I discovered that he had been cheating. Now rather then telling  me the truth he continued to lie about it and to his son, and siblings. Why did he do this? Now it seems he’s just doubled down. I tried to tell him that I don’t care about what’s happened and would be willing to try again. I know I should know better.

I think you have found a safe place and people here can relate. My mother had BPD and also wasn't affectionate. I also felt a low self worth. When a child grows up with dysfunction- it's the only "normal" we know but then when we are parents- we realize that our own experience wasn't- and we want better for our own children.

When our own behaviors are how we adapted growing up- we can work on learning new ones. For me, counseling helped me to do that. It may not make sense- if your mother is the one with the disorder- why counseling for you? To help us to change what we learned. You are not what your mother has said about you and counseling can help to "undo" that message.

To your son, you are a superhero and to you, he's the most precious thing on earth. He didn't have to "earn" this, neither did you- each person has self worth. What your mother says to you is a projection of her own disordered thinking- a reflection of her own mind, but it's not true. She didn't have the capacity to parent in a different way but you do- and you can do this.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can only imagine how hard it's been.  My mom was never diagnosed, but she was the angriest and the most loving person I've ever known.  So I can relate...I also have a BPD daughter and a BPD ex wife.

To start things off, just know that your mom doesn't have to define you and you don't have to have a relationship with her if it's one-sided.  You are responsible for you and it's okay not to be pulled into your mom's drama.  She's sick and she's sometimes out of control, so know that it's not a "you-thing" at all for her.  She's ugly at times because she's mentally ill.

Please feel free to ask questions, share stories, or whatever you need to process this.  We're here to support you regardless.

I'm sorry it's headed that way, but your healing and sobriety is so much more important right now.  You're making a clear-headed decision that's in your own best interests.

BPDs are constantly seeking happiness, and they find it for shot bursts of time.  They do what's called "love bombing", which means they see everything as PERFECT...your clothes, you hobbies, your tastes in food and music...they're absolutely PERFECT in every way.

As the relationship grows though, they start to realize....hey, this person isn't perfect at all!  And instead of realizing that they were thinking in a disordered way when they met you, their brains assume that you've changed and you're just not that great of a person after all.  So they flee at the first sign of something better, and that new thing is absolutely PERFECT...until it's not anymore.

He's met this new girl, or old friend, whatever.  And the relationship is going strong for now because of how his mind works.  He sees Cinderella and the castle and the whole fairy tale unfolding right in front of him.  But it's a lie, it's always a lie because none of us can live up to that standard.  So the new relationship will fail as well.

What happens next?  One of two things.  He finds someone new, or he repeats old patterns.  And if he reaches out, he will apologize profusely because everything about you is so PERFECT for his life and makes him feel whole.

Can you see the problem here though?  It's a very predictable pattern where the relationship starts with disordered thinking and ends with it as well.

The other issue is that once you've been through the whole cycle once already, things happen ever faster.  You're the best ever, you've changed, you hate me and I don't know why!  The next rounds are sometimes months instead of years and the behavior is even more erratic.

Now, you can somewhat change those patterns by being ultra patient, showing ample affection and affirmation, etc.  These relationships do sometimes work long-term, but the percentages are very, very low.  And even when they do succeed, there's a price to pay in order to keep the peace.

I can't tell you to give him another shot or not.  But I will say that if you do, the odds are stacked against success without him getting into therapy a taking his mental health seriously.  The same patterns will repeat and it has almost nothing to do with you as a person or a partner.

Again, the final answer you'll discover someday is that he's sick and he can't help this.  It's not your fault and it's not his.  Your job right now is to heal and love your kids...that's all you can do.