Hello stay a while we are all having a grand Ole time.

Really I need advice on how to handle or what to say when I go back to the house and see her. I'm trying not to be, but I am super hurt and upset and crying at the drop of a hat

I want to again thank you so much and here are some answers to the questions. (All day I have been repeating "I didn't cause this. I can't control it. I can't cure it."

CC43 - your stepdaughter sounds like mine, down to what you described about she prioritizes and how her behavior seems.

On the questions Sancho posed - She lived independently 10 years and we were in regular contact. During that time, there was a lot of chaos. She was arrested and served a brief sentence for spraying grafitti on a federal building. She dated an abuser who pulled a gun on her. She and another girl were drugged and raped by a stranger at age 14 - and they didn't tell us because they had gone to the guy to get pot and he gave each of them a drugged beer - one of thee girls had MS. The man has never been caught - they would not say who it was - and they only way we found out is the girls got gonnarhea  . She's had bad and frequent migraines since she was little. She had a lot of oppositional behavior problems. Her dad and I were always professionals with active social lives and community service and we tried lots of types of help for her as she grew up. She dropped out of school after the rape and stayed home, worked, got her GED and went briefly to community college for culinary, which she worked at in a major city and is very good at. -She left home at 18 with a boyfriend who turned out to be an abuser (and of course we had no idea, we knew this kid's parents, he seemed like a great kid,  but turns out a nasty drunk and he weilded a gun and threatened to kill her when they lived in a major city far from us). Before she came home in May to help her dad with a lung transplant, she was working, as I said, in nonprofit direct social services with people living on the street, had her own apt with rommates, only getting occasional financial support from us - but her dad may have been doing more, as you said Sancho. Her dad was definitely a helictoper parent and pretty controlling, and also depressive and chaotic in his personal life. He was brave and worked hard to overcome. In some areas he was super functional and in others, really struggled - hoarding, for example. My daughter has a lot of mental illness on his side of the family. Her dad's dad killed himself, his sister killed herself, and his brother was in and out of mental institutions his whole life. OK, the question about drug use:   My daugher has been a recovering opiod addict for - 6 years - I think? She is on suboxone for that. She takes an antidepressant. She smokes A LOT of strong cannabis products.Not a regular drinker but will binge drink out with her friends and be super sick the next day.  On the estate: There's an executor, her dad's best friend, who is a lawyer. He's 75, been traveling a lot for fun in retirement and "doesn't really deal with computers anymore" which is... not ideal. He is also grieving of course! There's a probate lawyer because the executor never practiced that kind of law - he had a niche practice and stayed in it. In my daughter's shock of her dad dying before he could get the lung transplant, she insisted on keeping his house to rent it out because she could not handle going through the stuff. Now she is seeing it makes sense to sell it. Things are moving forward glacially, largely because she sleeps all day and doesn't do any of the tasks promptly. This part is super important to my situation and my distress: I CANNOT get involved with any of the stuff at her dad's house, period. He was a hoarder and it' s one reason I left him - he would let mail stack, then put it in bins then put it in a paid-for storage locker - I mean, what?? Would not accept help in any way to deal with the mail.) I have been completely clear with my daughter I can't get involved in it and she's accepted that for the most part. She has friends and folks ready to help her with it.

I think im ready to go now and also stay physical active.

My advice pray to God yahusa(jesus)yahweh yeshua.

Go to therapy and find a ssri that will help you ASAP. It takes months to start taking effect. Once you react calmly and cool to her she will blame you even more and panic that she is losing control of you. It will be so clear you won't need a diagnosis.

Contact and consult a lawyer get your Financials in order. Be ready to be able to move forward with divorce if necessary before she can get ahead of you.

I say this because just 2 days ago my wife's mask completely fell off an showed me what I already knew without a diagnosis.

tXres200, How are you doing today?  How can we best help you?

As I look at the thread's title, "Always my fault", I feel impelled to commiserate... we've felt that too, as in "been there, suffered that".  It reminds me of an aptly named book "It's All Your Fault!" by William Eddy, one of our highly recommended authors here.

Truly, it's not our fault, yet when we're exposed to such accusations so repeatedly, it can be so devastating.  You're not alone, many of our members arrive here so distressed.  Yet, over time the shared empathy and our practical collective wisdom gained over the years does help us to regain at least some of our overall positive perspective on life and future.

It is hard to put myself out there and discuss my daughter. She is 26 and high functioning. However, she has many anxieties related to appearance (clothing, skin, weight, etc.). My son and son-in-law are doctors and covered psych health during med school. They both realized she has BPD when studying the psychology section of school. I had thought so before, but she would and will not acknowledge it. It is always the fault of someone else. She has had relationship problems with friends, family members, and boyfriends since she was young. She can be pleasant, but can go off the rails at any minute. She feels like she is valued less than her siblings, although she is intelligent and successful. Three years ago, this older guy (6 years older) decided she was going to be his girlfriend and he would "fix" her. She was on some meds and I wanted to get her the proper counseling. However, he came "to her rescue." He has no education or training in any field. However, he has convinced her he "supports" her, even though we continue to pay for her expenses such as rent, tuition, health ins., etc. I noticed right away he has a victim mentality and that that other members of his family get preferential treatment. She never accused us of anything like that before. However, now she is also a major victim. I know he didn't cause the BPD, but I can't convince her to get any help as he is there to "fix" it. She lives with him on the weekends and has expressed her doubts about marrying him. She has been engaged for nearly three years and won't set a date. We have just went through a rough time and she wants no contact with her siblings (a brother and a sister) anymore. I think that is pretty common to be isolated from family when with a groomer. However, she is also guilty as she makes him "do things" for her constantly. She almost can't be away from him, but she attends graduate school and he can't always go be with her. My husband doesn't want to be around her fiancee because he displays no ambition and has grandiose thoughts of himself. I have tolerated it, but am just tired of the situation. Has anyone had a similar situation? I have spoken with a therapist about this in the past. I guess I need to continue.

Hi all,  I'd like your input to help me react in ways that are best and most helpful for a person with bpd.
My son will call me when he can't contain his fear or pain...I believe he struggles for a long time when a problem overwhelms him and then when it's a crisis or feels like one he calls me. I am learning to keep my voice steady and pretty neutral though my anxiety is high. In fact a simple text or call from him triggers my anxious feelings. Anyway,  I don't overreact anymore and match his energy. I tell him I'm sorry he's feeling so badly. I let him know I'm here for him. I ask him if he wants to explain more. He doesn't always. He'll keep repeating that he's doing badly...There have been way to many times he tells me how everything is falling apart and he can't take it anymore. He has told me about suicidal thoughts he's had. One of the last really bad times I told him I love him and I'd call for help to keep him safe. That blew the lid off and he raged at me and was afraid to get off the phone. I can let him now that I'll call for protection again if it ever goes to that place.  My concern now is how to handle calls for example when his relationship with his girlfriend is bad, or his bank account is overdrawn and utilities are about to be shut off.
My previous response and reaction is to solve the issues causing distress.  I understand finally after being here awhile that I'm NOT helping him.  How do you all deal with hearing or seeing your child in pain? How do you say - I'm not paying your bills anymore.. I get that he needs to struggle enough where he's willing to accept help to learn to manage his life. But, I feel like I'm abandoning him. I know my thinking is off too. How do I change my thinking and responses.
If my struggle makes sense, I'd appreciate your input. Thanks.

I don’t know if you have read my first few posts on this board, it detailed a lot of her behaviour.

We are still married so technically she is my wife but I do often refer to her as my ex as well, just sometimes think calling her my wife gives some clarity of who I am talking about.

It was a 27 year relationship and yes for a long time I did wish that everything could go back to how it was but over time and realising she either has bpd or her behaviour is so similar if she hasn’t got it she is just fundamentally toxic, not so much.
I have been in a relationship for the past 10 months with someone that is everything my ex isn’t and I am happy.

Yes, the story of her seems very BPDish. Especially the part in which she is living with another man but still gets obsessed about you painting her partner's home. I can't say that there are enough symptoms from your description, but I understand it was quite bad to be in your position.

I have also noticed you are not yet calling her your ex, and you haven't yet updated your marital status in the board. Do you think that perhaps you may have not yet let it go? Or would you wish that everything that went wrong could get reverted? It's important to be clear with yourself about what you want, precisely.