The phrase you're looking for is Grey Rock.  However, even that doesn't "fix" the conflict between sanity and insanity.  It will be more like keeping the discord somewhat manageable, not a complete solution.  Meaningful therapy to modify the self-oriented perceptions and fears is better, if only pwBPD traits didn't have such high levels of Denial and Blame Shifting, and even then therapy may take years and still not attain full recovery.

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/grey-rock-method


BPD is like so many other disorders - it exhibits itself one a spectrum of behaviors and in a variety of ways.  There are so many common patterns but not all have every trait and even then it is to varying extents.

All of us, including pwBPD traits, are people that vary in a myriad ways, we're not identical robots on the same assembly line.  And we have the free will to chose to work toward becoming a better person.  That's why not every child in a family turns out the same.  So we find people with BPD traits in the best of families just as there are non-BPDs that were raised in the worst of families.

You can choose a better path for yourself, to improve, to be positive.  Unfortunately you can't make that choice for your spouse or partner.

My sister has BPD and Bipolar Disorder, last year she attempted suicide at which point she asked me and my husband to take care of her daughter until she got well enough to take care of her on her own. The problem is, she's not getting well enough to do that and I just had to hire an attorney to start the process of taking her daughter away from her permanently. I'm struggling not to beat myself up about it but I dont know what else to do.

Firstly, has she been diagnosed? You say she has recently started therapy? does the therapist specialise in personality disorders?

How are you approaching the subject with her? Are you using “I feel” statements or are you saying “You do this and…” if the latter she might find offence and use defence the only way she knows how by getting angry….. fight or flight.

When you talk about past actions, is she still behaving in the same way that led to these past actions, and are they still happening. If not, there is something to be said for forgiving the past, moving on and forgetting about it, as keeping on ruminating about the past only keeps it and the problem in the present.

the same here.
what I was wondering... did anyone try just ignoring? simply behave as if nothing is happening. reacting but without catching the bait. so not ignoring as in avoiding, more in the sense of how you would react when there is a dog barking on a street near you.
I always get pulled in because somehow it seems that she is hurt when I don't react, but maybe its wrong. maybe that "hurt" is not real hurt during the episode and should be just ignored.
on the other hand, my wife never exhibited self-harm tendencies, but maybe its because I don't ignore her?
I have a fear because she has a family history of suicide (her aunt).

I agree, I was extremely pleased my BPD stepdaughter let us know she wouldn't be visiting for Thanksgiving.  Usually she ghosts us completely.  Somehow, not knowing seems worse than not visiting.

Today my husband said that he thinks his daughter has blocked him again.  He's feeling both hurt and worried.  But I told him--I think she's just trying to assert her independence.  You know she'll reach out when she needs something, right?  And that at her age, she must feel ashamed to have to ask you for help over and over again, correct?  Well, maybe it's not so bad that you don't hear from her every day.  That probably means she's busy, and she's getting better at carving out a life for herself.  If I were you, I wouldn't ask her if she's coming for Christmas, because she doesn't know yet.  If you ask her, she'll feel pressured, which she just can't handle right now.  Whenever you ask her for information, she crumbles under the weight of obligation and/or shame, and she blocks you.  So just try not to corner her.  If I were you, I'd just send her occasional texts with no strings attached (Hope you're well!), and in the meantime, tell yourself that no news is good news.  OK?  He seemed to listen to me today.  We'll see how this plays out.  Now, it's hard to adopt this attitude, because in the past, no news was bad news.  But I think we might be entering a new phase, because she has been doing better and starting to take charge of her life, rather than blaming and hating others full-time while doing nothing.

Hi,

to be as brief as possible, my wife of 18 y of marriage, judging by what I have learned last 5-6 years, has a highly functional BPD. I have been on many forums, communicated with professionals, and I am certain. She is not only not aware of this, but also resist very hard any idea of couples therapy. From the start of our relationship she was "packing my bags" and pushed me away weekly. I deeply love her as she is, when not "in episode", a wonderful person and a great mom. She also changed me a lot and was by my side in my hardest times when I was diagnosed with diabetes t1 at 35, just couple of months after we met. I have firmly decided to never let her go and always see her for the good in her.

My problem is that my wife has a history of suicide in her family. Her aunt took her own life at 55, shortly after entering menopause. My wife is now 52 and on the edge of menopause. Her parents, while really incredible people, both show some beta cluster traits.

Her condition is improving and episodes are more and more rare, now on a monhtly to even bi-monthly basis. During each episode she threathens divorces and spills fire on me, saying that I ruined her, am constantly keeping her in relationship as in a prison, that she hates me an can not stand even looking at me. Our 15 yo son is always listening from his room and it is surely not good for him. I managed to do "a talk" with him when he was around 13, explaining that "mum has a strange brain with ups and downs, and you should not take it all into your heart". He is now used to it and also nows how to handle her and not put out fire with gasoline.

My choice is to stand by her as I think that if we would separate or divorce she would probably find someone else, as she hates being alone, and it is really hard to imagine someone tolerating her behaviour. I would not forgive myselft if anything bad happened to her because she was "too much". I know this kind of life is perhaps strange and not normal, but it is the life I choose to live and I choose to be by her side even if that is sooo hard at times.

But there is off course a probabilty that during a future episode she will do something that can not be taken back, something that she will not be able to forgive herself. My fear is that there is this real possibility that she would do some harm do herself. So I must do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening. I experienced someone close commiting suicide twice in my life, they were close friends with whom I was not that close anymore at the moment of their death, but I had great remorse and feelings of guilt cause they both tried to approach me during their last couple of days and I was not able to meet.

OK, that was then, but this is now.

Can anyone with a diagnosed highly functional BPD, especially if older, having a family with kids, give me any kind of thoughts on this? Or someone in a similar situation? I need to know what I can do that I am not doing right now to prevent any kind of tragedy in future in my family.

It sounds strange that he would be able to force NDA signing of an ending or ended relationship.  Where would the legal leverage be afterward?  At a guess, I'd figure that's where the $20K comes in as incentive?

I doubt a NDA would be applicable for illegal or abusive actions.  Sounds like he wants to have his fun - and avoid negative social posts, etc - even when planning to walk away?

Hello and welcome to the family!  NDA's are more common for wealthy individuals, especially in business, so it's not completely unheard of.  It is a bit strange bringing it up at the start of a relationship that you'll sign one at the end.

I've had many clients in the past though that wouldn't have a single conversation until we both signed NDAs.  One turned out to be a billionaire who was in a lawsuit with one of the most powerful families on Earth...I never would have guessed that beforehand.  The NDA allowed us to speak freely though about his company, their strategy, and some trade secrets he was filing patents on; there was no way I could have worked with him otherwise.  He did this because previous employees who didn't sign NDAs were bribed by the powerful family to share those trade secrets.

Anyway, this is normal for business and it's semi-normal for relationships by people focused on business and wealth.  It is also a major red flag though where his priorities lie, so I'd be very careful.

Attempting to mention to my wife that I feel unable to communicate with her out of fear, seems to always end up with her getting angry with me and avoiding me for days. Any attempts at communication are met with anger. My grievance is usually overshadowed by the perceived attack and lately its becoming unbearable. It seems impossible for me to express feeling hurt by her without in turn being hurt by her. Lately I've been thinking more and more of leaving, because constantly being perceived as an aggressor when asking for an acknowledgement of her past actions is becoming unbearable.
She's recently started therapy, so this pattern continues with an added bonus of "We can't talk about X, because I will dysregulate" or "Bringing up the past isn't conducive to solving the issue." These statements are accompanied by a general disdain and lack of empathy; seemingly used as a shield to deny my feelings. I really have no clue of what to do from here and just feel like I've been tricked into thinking she wasn't this person.

I don't even know what to make of this... obviously its a red flag I know. After almost a year of knowing each other, he asked me to be his girlfriend 2 days ago. Last night we went out and had a few drinks. While we were eating, he told me that with every ex boyfriend or girlfriend that he has had, at the end of the relationship he paid them $20,000 to sign an NDA. He is well off and extremely secretive/ hard to get to know so its definitely possible. Is this just fear of abandonment turning into containment or is he trying to hide his past behavior? I told him I wouldn't sign it and he told me that I would sign it because he has a lot of connections and would make my life harder if I didn't sign it. He told me that he does it because he is worried about his reputation. Is signing an NDA really normal for wealthy people?