Hi there,
I'm sorry you had a traumatic childhood, but you seem to have healed for the most part, whereas your sister, probably not so much. I actually think it was a good thing you missed her email, because by now you have seen that by not responding to the email at all, your sister eventually came around and pretended she never sent the email in the first place! In my opinion, that's probably the best possible outcome for someone with untreated BPD. You can go ahead and pretend that she never sent it either.
Now, you're still reeling from your sister's words, which were probably meant to hurt you in the moment. It's very possible your sister was projecting her general discontent your way because other things in your sister's life weren't going the way she wanted. The pwBPD in my life will do this often--send mean, accusatory texts to loved ones, bemoaning "abusive" and unsupportive behavior, often dredging up incidents from a vast repository of perceived wrongs. The accusations do indeed seem "ridiculous," because her reasoning is highly distorted, and fact patterns don't align. Notwendy calls this a pink elephant accusation, which is easier not to take to heart; another wise poster on these boards sees these accusations as cricket balls whizzing by. My approach has been to treat these tirades as spam, because they are spam! I try not to dignify them with a response; rather, I take them as a sign that the pwBPD is under a lot of stress. With the passage of time, she'll pretend like she never sent those mean messages in the first place.
Eventually, weeks or months later, I typically find out what was really going on in the life of my pwBPD which sent her over the edge into a raging hate-fest. Nine times out of ten, it was a bad decision or action on her part, like quitting something or getting fired, or getting kicked out of her rooming/friend group. The other times, something didn't go as she wanted. In other words, her pain and shame were so intense that she felt compelled to cast it outwards towards the people closest to her, even if they had nothing to do with the situation. Ironically, the people closest to her are precicely the people who care for her most. It's almost like she's trying to punish herself, to push away absolutely everyone in her life, a misguided, self-punishing coping mechanism disguised as a message-grenade. I bet your sister feels so ashamed that she doesn't dare mention the email again, at least not to your face.
I guess it's no surprise to me either that your sister studied psychology. The pwBPD in my life did the same thing. Maybe it's a way to try to make sense of all their negative thinking patterns? Maybe they are attracted to listenening to other people's problems, which fuels their unstable emotional life and self-image? Maybe the study of neuroses makes them feel less alone?
Anyway, it's up to you to decide what level of contact with your sister works best for you. Maybe avoiding holidays and vacations with her might be the way to go. I find that pwBPD seem to fare worst during holidays, because their unrealistic expectations (for attention and fun) are never met. Besides, seeing other joyful people can seem unbearable to a pwBPD, because it's a stark contrast to their general misery, and they seethe with jealousy. The general stress of a vacation or holiday could simply be too much for them, because pwBPD need a LOT of downtime to manage their negative moods in my opinion. I might suggest limited contact along the lines that you've already talked about--calling her when it's convenient for you, say once a week or twice a month. That way, you have an implicit "schedule," and you can deal with her in small doses, when it's least disruptive to you. If you would like more in-person contact, maybe you try to arrange for one-on-one time, such as a coffee or lunch out. I find that the pwBPD in my life does better when we arrange for 100% of the attention to be focussed on her in small doses, if she decides to show up. If she doesn't show up, then that's a sign that she's under stress, and she's giving herself a self-enforced "time out." My approach is (i) not to take her absence personally and (ii) not to interrupt her time out. Does that make sense? That also means not making big plans which require her collaboration. If she's a "spoiler," then try not to set up higher-stakes situations that she can spoil for YOU.
If you want to know what's bugging your sister, I think you try to read between the lines of her message(s). One thing stands out to me--she feels "invisible." That could mean she feels outshined by others, and that she feels inferior. PwBPD tend to have a weak concept of self-identity and feel extremely insecure. That could be why they she feels "abandoned" all the time, even when she is surrounded by family. She may need constant reassurance, which starts to feel impossible to give. Like you wrote, "How old are we?!?" Anyway, if you understand what's bugging your sister, you might not take her accusations so personally. After all, you can't control how she feels on a daily basis. Only she can do that.
Anyway, I hope you don't feel horrible or guilty. I know it's really hard to see a loved one struggle with BPD--you could be mourning the loss of a "normal" relationship. But it's not your fault. I'd say, you owe it to yourself and your family to enjoy this life you've created. Please don't let your disordered sister ruin it by making you feel guilty.




