You are doing better. As to not being able to meet you emotionally- doing things like mopping the floor to him is being supportive. People have different love languages. His may be different from yours.

In addition, considering his generation- he may have been raised with the culture that men aren't emotional "men don't cry". His father may have role modeled this for him.

In addition, pwBPD have difficulty managing their own emotions, so they may not be able to be as emotionally supportive of others, but it seems he's trying in a way he can, and that's good.

This isn't easy - and you are doing a good job of accepting your H's level of ability and taking care of yourself.

Scenario (that has happened frequently, but not so much recently until now)

I’m talking to SO about something I’d like them to do.  SO ignores me and points to a problem they are having and wants me to fix. 

SO  is always coming to me to fix something, explain something, make something work, or with frustration about something broken, not working, or unexplained to them. 

SO also lately seems not to be hearing much of what I’m saying, asking, or wanting because they’re wrapped up in their own issues. 

The thing my SO wants me to fix is something I have no knowledge of.  I offer suggestions, none of which are correct to my SO.  I get frustrated and say “I have no idea”.   

My SO explodes at me about how I’m mean and awful and I get angry. 

I explain where I’m coming from and why I’m frustrated. 

SO says “of course, I’m always the bad person and it’s always my fault.” 

Later they come to me and tell me that I have to stop my behavior or else.   A familiar refrain is that while my SO uses “I’m always the bad guy” as a guilt defense, the truth is that I’m always the one who has to change my reactions. 

So what is the proper way to deal with a demand that you never react, never get upset, never do something that makes them react negatively, and always be aware of how your reaction is going to make them react?   

Also, I’ve noticed that my SO is perfectly free to make hateful and condescending statements that would I know would lead to WWIII if I made them.   

Thanks so much, NotWendy. 

I definitely declined the invite to the crazy party, so that’s progress for me. 

I do recognize that he needs attention, so I engage with him whenever I can, when it feels safe, and it won’t trigger his demons. 

I also dole out genuine compliments for everything he does that is kind and helpful.  I make a big deal out of it, like I would with a toddler.  He enjoys it. 

So that’s how I am coping.  I’m utilizing self-care, by walking away, for example.  But I’m also using gratitude and grace, for the good things.  I used to get angry because he thinks things like mopping the floor and ordering groceries show great love for me. To me, it means he  has no idea how to support me, emotionally, or how to back me and be a true, loving partner.  But…Things could be worse.  So I appreciate whatever he does that is helpful rather than hurtful, no matter how small. 

I guess it is what it is.  There will be ups and downs. I’m just glad that I’m handling things much better when he acts out. 

Thanks again for your insights. 

Jazz

CE was good for me.  It helped me see see things from a third party view.  It did validate what I saw happening.  I was not being crazy. 

It helped some in court.  They referenced it a lot during the trial.   It was very expensive, about 20k and 8 months to complete.

Sluggo

Thanks for that Pete

I’ve got no concerns whatsoever about having similar battles id had with my ex, I’ve done the ground work and prepared for 14 months by really getting to know my girlfriend and forming a solid bond before we started our relationship so I know she is nothing like her. And I have always been very calm, very laid back and in control of my emotions, even throughout my previous relationship, which is probably a factor as I had no fear of abandonment or concerns my wife would leave me but she did.

I’ve discussed it with her in the last week and told her that I value our relationship a lot. She knows the situation I’ve been through and how I’ve been treated, and I think she did worry a little about my ex. I think looking at the behaviour of my ex, the fact that her boyfriend was telling her he loved her within a week of us splitting up (2 months after his own wife left him after a 30 year marriage) and knowing how disordered and insecure they both are I’ve been conscious not to love bomb my gf and it’s actually taken me until this last week, 9 months to tell her that I love her. I think we have both been scared to say it, and I have been worried it might push her away but now I have I think it has helped massively. It has kind of opened the floodgates of emotion. I know it is reciprocated. She has told me every day since I said it that she loves me, today she said we are perfect together and she has always known that.

Everyone that knows us says it too, that we are perfect together and I don't think any of them are surprised that we are together now. Even her ex boyfriend, someone I’ve known for a very long time that actually grew up living next door to my wife, who’s sister was one of her best friends, has said he is pleased we are together and deserve to be together, and that my wife didn’t deserve to be with me.
It’s kind of the opposite of what everyone thought about my wife and I, even her own father told me she didn’t deserve me. I guess sometimes I just feel a little vulnerable now, which I never felt before.

It seems like most couples I know who have healthy relationships, or at least "normal" relationships i.e. where a personality disorder is not present, either discuss expectations of responsiveness up front, or just handle things as they come without getting upset.  Something like "I expect at least a text message every day to say 'Hi' and check in."  I think that's okay.  Or if they haven't discussed expectations, but have some concerns, they discuss why someone didn't call, or what the concern was, and then either get an apology or explanation of why they were absent.  And then they're back on good terms  - i.e. no endless guilt trip, accusations, etc. and fights like with a pwBPD. 

So I think if you need more contact from your new partner, it's fine to make that request; just consider what you want and be prepared to accept it if it's provided, without then needing more (like a pwBPD would).  You could even try to frame it as a positive thing, not a request.  For example, "I love getting a little text from you now and then when we're apart."  But honestly, a couple hours of time is not a big deal, assuming that's all it is.  If you find yourself getting upset over it, maybe send a friendly text of your own, then find something else to do while you wait for a response so you're not obsessing over it.


I did for a while; I'd occasionally find myself apologizing for something I didn't need to, or over-explaining why I wanted to do something else, etc., out of concern it would provoke a fight.   

I think I didn't pick up any negative traits from BPDxw, although I did find myself expecting to fight similar battles all over again, and was overly sensitive to concerns about things being too one-sided in my new partner's favor, or things like that.  I had to learn to stay calm and not let my emotions set the tone for how I communicated. 

 I think the most important part in my response is acting surprisd  and asking oh, reallylike I took it seriously and then thinking what could be wrong and then saying maybe I am tired. I think he gets some validatio from this. Saying nothing is wrong got me where it gets you a lot of times.

Oh I wish. I tried that 'nothing's wrong, just a long day is all. I'm tired'.....what I got back was 'I know you're lying to me. You're just going to bring it up later and start a fight. You always do this!' haha

Ah ja, facial expressions, breathing, gasp etc.. Had this argument many times, escalating into haw I cannot communicate… I found that it works best for me if I just act surprised and say sometihing like: oh, really, I did not intend to sound like that, it is pribably because I am a little tired. It works very often for my SO to then just move on.

I think walking out and not engaging was the right thing to do.

He's got a disorder. That isn't going to change. So whatever you have done on your part to manage your own reactions and not engage in drama will help you but it won't change that he has a disorder and he's going to do this from time to time.

In therapy, when he instigates a fight- this was called an "invitation to the crazy party". You got invited but you don't have to attend.

Underneath it all, I think the invitation to an emotionally charged interaction is a need for attention. One is paying attention during an argument. By not engaging you didn't reinforce this.

But he's still there and wants attention. He's human, like everyone else and humans want attention. I think if you are living with him, there has to be some interaction. When we take away attention to an unwanted behavior- that leaves nothing. The next part is to substitute a positive one and attention to that.

If he wants to gripe about the election, maybe time it. Say OK, let's talk about this for 10 minutes but then I need to leave for an appointment, or cook dinner or get groceries. Or a distraction. "Look, I bought cookies".

I know you think he's crazy and don't like him but you've chosen to live with him, and even if he were just a room mate, even room mates spend some time talking to each other. It makes things easier for you. That's the goal. If something is better for him and you, it's better for you.

If he threatens to hit you let him know that isn't acceptable to hit people and that if he continues, you will need to call for help. At his age and mental status, that is a 911 emergency evaluation for being a danger to himself or others.