Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
December 20, 2025, 05:33:02 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Pages: 1 [2] 3 ... 10
 11 
 on: December 20, 2025, 05:21:52 AM  
Started by ilpablo - Last post by Under The Bridge
I'd say exactly the same as Pook; reach out to her in hope but be prepared for her potentially negative reaction.

A lot would depend on the mood she's in when she receives your message - if her boyfriend has been painted black by her at that time she may be receptive but if things are still good between them then she may not want to know. It's impossible to know the BPD mind from minute to minute, even they don't know how they're going to be.

Also appreciate her guys feelings too and how you'd feel if an ex-bf was repeatedly contacting your girl to try and get her back.  She may just be with him as 'an available option' or she might actually be happy with him and, assuming they weren't cheating on you while she was claiming he was just a friend, he hasn't done anything wrong. I can understand him telling you to leave them alone.

In the end she'll do exactly what she wants so what we say or write doesn't really come into it.


 12 
 on: December 20, 2025, 04:07:34 AM  
Started by MovieMan - Last post by Alex V
Additionally.
In the past I have had a feeling I had to be broken to the ground before our relationship could be build up again. But she can't take me to that level anymore. So she has to leave?

 13 
 on: December 20, 2025, 04:05:29 AM  
Started by MovieMan - Last post by Alex V
Hi Movieman,

I recognize a lot in what you say.

I have changed a lot in the last 10 years. Done a lot of self-development. I have become less of a perfectionist and more relaxed. Developed much more self-confidence and where I used to worry about things, I now often think "it will be okay". I also started to make my own plan more often. In the past, I wouldn't have done activities that interest me if my wife didn't want to participate. In recent years I have said to her more and more often: "too bad, but I'll go / do it anyway".

My wife left me without telling me why. What she did say is that she feels small. Financially dependent. Anxious. Has mood swings. Alone. Not happy. Unsafe. That she can't set boundaries and lets her bounderies be crossed. That I cross her boundaries (which she does not indicate). Projects her emotions 
She said all this between the lines. Not as a reason why she wants to leave. I find that difficult to understand. I get the feeling that she knows but can't name it. I think she actually walks away from her mirror (me).

I think there are a whole bunch of reasons why she feels the way she does.
Menopause. Children who become more independent. Physical discomfort (hip), No job. Moving to the countryside. COVID. And I who have started to adapt less to her compulsion. Started pleasing less.

All in all, I am now more often in a state that I also think I don't want to continue with her. I see our relationship as a watering can and bucket. I am the watering can and she is the bucket. I always fill the bucket to keep my wife happy and calm (avoidance behavior?). Unfortunately, the bucket is leaking. I have to keep pouring. Only I have changed. I may have started to throw less water in the bucket. And another unfortunately. The bucket is leaking and the holes are getting bigger. And now I don't have enough water to keep the level in the bucket up. The bottom has been reached. I can no longer conform to her wishes. I have changed too much to put myself in place 2 and no longer want to take responsibility for her feelings.

Back to you.
I think you can learn a lot on this site how to get the situation more stable again. If you are willing to do so. That requires adjustment from you and maybe your wife is also willing to adapt.
I still love my wife, but I can't stand her behavior anymore. I'm no longer willing.

I wish you a lot of wisdom. I hope you find a way.

 14 
 on: December 20, 2025, 04:01:28 AM  
Started by Goodtimesbro - Last post by Skip
Short answer: a person with BPD traits might act this way, but person without BPD could also. This is not mental illness.

This reaction can come from insecurity, stress, or feeling unappreciated, especially if one partner already feels overwhelmed or criticized—even if that criticism isn’t intended.

BPD involves much broader, persistent patterns such as a life build around deep felt fear of abandonment. People with BPD traits often have a rapidly shifting self-image, unstable relationships across many contexts, impulsivity, emotional extremes.

A productive framing might be “When I do laundry on the weekend, I’m not criticizing you—I’m just helping and trying to get things done together.”

If the reaction is isolated to this issue, it’s likely about how the action is interpreted, not pathology. If similar reactions happen across many situations and escalate dramatically, then it’s worth looking at deeper emotional dynamics.

 15 
 on: December 20, 2025, 02:06:34 AM  
Started by MovieMan - Last post by MovieMan
Ok, so I had a bit of a lightbulb moment today, but I need to check whether it's something someone else has experienced before I call it a legit lightbulb moment. I will also discuss it with my therapist when he is back from leave to see whether it holds water.

So my BPD wife of 23 years has always regarded herself as someone with immense instincts for healing others, and to be fair, she really does. Without any formal training, her understanding of the human body and what it needs in terms of supplementation is off the charts.  She has helped so many of our friends and family in this way. Truly made a difference in lives. And that is golden and beautiful.

But, I've been suspecting that it has a dark side, and that it is something she uses to control our relationship in order to feel safe and needed.

I had a very traumatic childhood, and have been very broken for most of my life, and she has always been there and helped and supported me. For which I am so grateful, and it's also one of the reasons I truly want to find ways to do the same for her.

But the challenge I face is as follows:

I have made significant strides over the last few years, and have healed so much, and the timeline of my improvement correlates perfectly with her sudden and intense research into proving that I am a narcissist.
Ever since I learnt about BPD, I can now look back and see the patterns so clearly, but over the past few years, they have intensified massively. So much so that her arguments are now almost a daily occurrence.

Now, I suspect that it is because I am healing, and her trauma is feeling that I will no longer need her, because it thinks, all I want from her, is the healing part. And because I am so much better, she has become so much worse. 
I suspect that her theory of my narcissism is something her BPD is creating in order to give me a permanent affliction, now that my childhood trauma is healing.

But like I said, this is just a theory that popped up today and I wont put any solid acceptance behind it until it's confirmed by my therapist.

Any comments will be appreciated. Smiling (click to insert in post)

 16 
 on: December 19, 2025, 11:51:20 PM  
Started by MovieMan - Last post by MovieMan
Hello,

I am sorry that this accusations of NPD are going on for so long and that you believed her. Like Pook and Rowdy said it is common for pwBPD to accuse others of their problems (projection). When my pwBPD is dysregulated he can say that I have no empaty. But in reality I just have no understamding for his crazy behaviour/demands/accusations when dysregulated. At that time he also sometimes demands from me to get psychiatric treatment including meds and demands that I confess I also have psychiatric problems. He says I always just think of myself, never listen to him, never admit I am wrong etc. when reality is dofferent. I learnt to stand my ground in this and just calmly say that psychologist said I dont have personality problems, I did tests for autism which also showed I do not have it and nicely ask him to stop. It does not bring wonders, but he is kindly reminded he cannot push me indefinetly and slowly stops.He is on meds and they help him not to dysregulate so much any more luckily.

I think it will be easier for you when your therapist tells you an oppinion on your mental health stats. Maybe the friend clinical psychologist could also give you some oppinion. Then you could use this info from  professionals to make boundaries against this NPD accusations you are facing. It wont be easy, even more so because it was going on for so long, but I think you will just have to endure through all the drama that will probably come with setting the boundary to keep your sanity…


Good luck!

Thanks so much for the support. Yes, I cannot wait to do the work with my therapist and get the official diagnosis either way. Like I said to Pook, the truly difficult thing with my wife is that she's super intelligent and reads constantly about psychology, then brings all that knowledge into our arguments, and makes it all sound so real that I just have no way of knowing what is true.

But I wont quit.

Thanks again!

 17 
 on: December 19, 2025, 11:47:55 PM  
Started by MovieMan - Last post by MovieMan
The fact that you are here asking questions……. nah, you’re not a narcissist. A narcissist wouldn’t give a flying f… it would just be out the door, on to the next victim. Their grandiose sense of self and lack of empathy means they simply don’t care. They certainly wouldn’t be sitting in their car crying, so get the idea that you are a narcissist out of your head.

It is a spectrum, and EVERYONE is on it to an extent. We all have certain narcissistic traits but at a normal level it is healthy, otherwise you would just become a doormat and get trampled on by everyone.

Like the pair of you, I was married to my wife for 23 years. And as Pook says, if you mention any concern of mental health problems on their part or call out their behaviour then you get the narc card levelled at you. Now, I didn’t get that to the extent you seem to have thrown at you, but from my own point of view, and yes it did make me question if I am narcissistic, if I really was one there is not a chance I would have put up with my wife’s behaviour for the 27 years we were together. And when I was discarded in quite cruel circumstances I would have destroyed her in seconds, but I didn’t because I am not a narcissist. And neither are you.

Thanks for the reply and reassurance. It really does help in the sense that it gives me hope, but I have a long way to go though before believing I am not what she says I am.

 18 
 on: December 19, 2025, 11:45:59 PM  
Started by MovieMan - Last post by MovieMan
First off, welcome to the family and I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.  What you've been through is horrible and I experienced only a small fraction of what you have in my 23 year marriage.  I saw the same patterns, received the same accusations, but never to the degree you're seeing it.

You posted in the bettering forums, which means advice will be geared towards saving your marriage.  But truthfully, in your situation it wouldn't matter what your intentions are, because there's a very clear path ahead.  You need to actually take the time to heal and overcome the decades of manipulation you've faced.

Just so you know, a narcissist would almost never think about if someone was calling them a narcissist...they'd explode and scream (sot of what your wife does to you...).  A narcissist is incapable of genuine empathy because it's always about them, every word, every action, every second of the day is self-serving.  They can mimic empathy if it's self-serving, but generally it's short lived.

Why am I saying this?  If you think you're a narcissist because your wife said so, then you're probably not.  My BPD ex wife of 23 years said the exact same thing.

BPD and NPD are closely tied on the spectrum, and people who are diagnosed with one often have some traits of both.  If your wife is continually trying to convince you how horrible you are, despite what you do to make things right, that feels like textbook narcissism to me.

Your goal here is simple- realize that you're responsible for you, and your wife is responsible for her.  You can't "fix her" or convince her to get help, but you can certainly decide to get yourself in a better headspace to heal from this abuse.  It's fantastic that you're starting therapy and having someone to talk this out with.  That's crucial.

Now, what to do about your wife. 

You made a boundary and she pushed back...which is what just about anyone with mental illness would do when you stand up for yourself.  But your boundary was hollow, you didn't follow through.  Even though you physically left home, you allowed her to call and message you non-stop.  She was punishing you for trying to punish her (at least what she viewed as punishment) and ultimately, she won because you allowed her to drive you to a breakdown.

And again, I'm so so very sorry you're going through this.  I'm guessing you posted here though because you're looking for answers to change these patterns.

All I can say is, stick to your boundaries.  Use "me statements" whenever possible like, "I need some space.  I'm not okay right now.  I can't ague anymore."  That's a lot better than, "I need to get away from you...I'm tired of you starting arguments over nothing."

When the "me statements" don't work, then move to boundaries.  You walk away and if necessary, you turn your phone off.  If you come home to fireworks, go back to "me statements" like "I don't feel safe here and the kids shouldn't be here either."  You're saying all this as patiently and as lovingly as possible, which I know is crazy difficult in your situation.  But you must de-escalate and walk away if that's not an option.

Your wife need therapy and possibly medication, but you're literally helpless to convince her.  She has to want to change, and the only way that happens is if she's faced with a realization that something is very wrong internally.  BPDs blame everyone and everything to avoid seeing that the problem is within, so this is super common.  Compassion and healthy boundaries are the best tools you have to help her long term (even if she pushes back and things are temporarily worse).

My heart breaks for you- I was in the same position three years ago.  I was devastated, broken, and so lost.  My faith is what helped me turn everything around and respond to my wife the right way.  Our marriage didn't survive, and my ex still denies that she has anything wrong.  But others have noticed and the same patterns are forming in her life all over again.  I mention that to say that none of this is your fault...it would have happened regardless who your wife was married to. [/color]

The problem, my friend, is mental illness.  Please accept that this is not your fault at all.


Thanks so much for your reply. It means the world. And yes, I can see that my boundary was hollow. I have a long way to go in figuring out how to set them and stick to them.

A huge challenge with my wife is that she is highly intelligent. Way more than me, and she is literally constantly reading up on psychological studies and content, even while we're watching a movie, driving in the car, lying in bed, she is reading psychology content. She comes into discussions/arguments armed with so much knowledge and official terms, that I find myself flailing.

But I understand that I will need to learn ways to navigate that, and solid boundaries are crucial. Again, thank you.

And also for the reassurance concerning the Narcissism. It does help, but the imprint she has made runs deep, so I will need the therapist to convince me it's not in me.

 19 
 on: December 19, 2025, 09:52:23 PM  
Started by JsMom - Last post by JsMom
I want to thank each of you for taking the time to respond. I've been reading over your thoughts.
My therapist did give a couple referrals.  He thought a mention of diagnosis would be off putting and suggested the approach be to learn more tools to deal with stress.. I think my son would be accepting of that IF he  is open at this time.  I think the podcast is a creative idea but I don't think he'd be open to it. I could be wrong. He does like to learn more skills though.
What I learned from each of you is to not be afraid to approach him with something that could help him as he starts this new direction in his work life.  Thanks again

 20 
 on: December 19, 2025, 07:14:35 PM  
Started by Goodtimesbro - Last post by CC43
Does this sound like bpd?
Laundry gets left to  do so when I get to my weekend I start completing it. Wife gets offended by me doing laundry saying that me doing the laundry is me saying she didnt do enough and is slacking. Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Indeed I think that this could indicate typical dysfunctional BPD thinking.  You see, when you do a chore, you're basically reminding her that she's not pulling her weight.  Cue the feelings of inadequacy/incompetence/laziness, and she feels bad.  Rather than put things in perspective and think about things rationally (I've been procrastinating, I should help out, the weekend is a good time to catch up on chores, my spouse really goes above and beyond, I should thank him, I should pitch in and do my fair share, chores are a pain but having the household clean and organized is worth it, when the chores are done we can enjoy a nice romantic evening), her "BPD brain" takes over.  "BPD brain" doesn't like discomfort, and especially feelings of shame/inadequacy/incompetence.  She's actually torn up about it, and thinking about it so much that she unleashes her discomfort and projects it back onto you.  "You think I don't do enough and that I'm a slacker!" is code for what she really thinks about herself, but is too ashamed to admit it, let alone fix it.  Her feelings of guilt come out as accusations.  If she's really riled up, she'll go further: "All you do is work!  You care more about your stupid job and stupid things around the house than you ever cared about me!  You don't do anything for me!  You're a terrible, selfish person!  Stop what you're doing right now!  You're a loser."  Sound familiar?  I've heard this sort of thing (projection, blaming, attempt to control) from pwBPD and BPD traits many times.

In my experience with BPD, I think her ruminating and emotional turmoil is so draining that she has real difficulties functioning.  She isn't just tired, she's EXHAUSTED.  She can't handle a little fatigue, either--to her, it feels like the end of the world.  I think her internal dialogue is constantly negative, and when it comes to chores, her brain makes mountains out of molehills.  Every task seems so daunting and draining that procrastination is a typical coping tactic.  She spends more time dreading a task than actually doing it.  Moreover, since others around her have over-functioned for her, in the name of helping her and preventing a meltdown, she probably learned long ago that life is easiest when she lets other people do things for her.  The problem is, she probably didn't get a chance to learn some basic life skills, such as cooking, paying bills or handling other administrative and household matters.  Does she seem clueless/ditzy about how insurance works, how household appliances work, how to take care of her car, how much things cost, taxes and other adult matters?  It could be that she's so anxious about her incompetence that she avoids unfamiliar tasks altogether, preferring to delegate.  The sad thing is, this makes her feel less valued, less competent and less part of the family.  She could RESENT you for feeling so dependent on you.  That's typical of BPD in my opinion.

Pages: 1 [2] 3 ... 10
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!