This seems to be quite a common theme.
I too used to be accused of not wanting to do things because apparently my facial expressions told her I didn’t. She used to believe she could tell exactly what mood I was in by looking at my face. I even said to her once that I feel like I need a badge to wear each day with a happy face or a sad/pissedoff face to tell her what mood I was in.

That and if I ever breathed heavily I would be accused of huffing at her (I had a collapsed lung over a decade ago and had a section of lung removed so sometimes I exhale quite loudly) and she would then think I was pissed off with her when I wasn’t at all.

That’s not to say she was always wrong. It was a near 3 decade relationship, so at times she would do things that would make me huff, there were times I didn’t want to do something and my facial expression probably gave that away, but it gets draining when it is every bloody time they think they can read you like a physic and you have to argue with them about your own actual feelings.

Hi and welcome to the site - you're among friends who have experienced the same things you're going through. BPD always runs to the same script and we can all relate totally.

35 years is a long time but you're still together - that's commendable. How have you been coping with your wife's illness? Many people have different ways to reduce the conflict, how are you managing at the moment?

We're all still learning so feel free to tell us more or just plain rant and get things off your chest, it always helps.

Regards.

We've been together for a few years now and most of the time she makes me happier than anything else ever could. I don't really know why things got bad this time. Things were fine Wednesday morning, but since that night everything has just sucked. We were just talking about our days and now everything is wrong again. She's convinced I hate her, there's no place in my life for her, and that I want to leave her and am only staying to prove some point. I don't feel that way at all though. I really love her and I know she only gets this way when something makes her feel abandoned or rejected. I must have done something wrong, but I don't know what I could have done.

I'm trying to reassure her that I love her, but no matter what I say or do she just responds "okay." I'm trying not to get frustrated, but it's hard because I have so much else going on right now too. I have papers I need to write and exams to study for, and I have a job too. It's getting to the point where everything is just making me mad, but I don't even get the luxury of being able to be mad because if I don't pretend I'm fine then everything falls apart even faster.

I just don't understand it sometimes. When things are good you tell me you love me and don't see a future without me, then somethings happens--usually just a little misunderstanding--and then for days or weeks all you want to do is push me as far away as you can. I don't know. I understand that you can't help the way your mind works and how you perceive things, but I can only pretend that things are fine so much.

I feel terrible. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm pissed off. I have to pretend I'm perfectly okay though because that's the only way she'll feel better. Things will only get worse if she knows how I feel, so I'm just fine.

Hi Trying,

I know it's really tough.  I have an adult stepdaughter with BPD, and at 20, she was basically an emotional terrorist in the home.  She went "nuclear" with suicide threats.  She wouldn't eat with the family or help out one bit.  Her room and person were a mess, a reflection of her mental state.  She'd stay up all night and sleep until after noon.  She'd blame her family for all her problems.  Though she could pull herself together to do things she wanted, like go on spring break, at home she was passive-aggressive and extremely moody.  The irony was, it's wasn't spring break because she wasn't even enrolled in school.  She was NEETT--not in education, employment, training or therapy.  I think she was NEETT for far too long, to her own detriment and to that of her entire family.  If person isn't studying, working, volunteering or doing anything but watching screens all night, what are they?  They're doing nothing, which very quickly feels like becoming nothing. 

If your daughter manages to pull herself together enough to attend school and keep some friendships intact, then I'd say, that's a sign she's high functioning.  But the stress of it all is probably wearing her down, and when she's with you, she shows it.  My concern is that she's being violent.  Look, just because she has BPD doesn't give her a free pass to be violent.  That includes violence against you, your family and herself.  No violence should be a firm boundary in my opinion.  If your daughter is violent, I think you call the police, every time.  Now, pwBPD do NOT like boundaries.  It's likely that your daughter would up the ante with her behaviors, becoming meaner and more violent.  Because she has a victim attitude and uses projection, she would probably claim that YOU were violent, and that YOU started it.  (My stepdaughter did that, saying that family members "assaulted" her when she was violent.)  This is called an "extintion burst."  But if you are firm and call the cops every single time she's violent, she should learn that violence isn't tolerated in your home.

I think you are spot on in your analysis of your daughter's maturity.  It helped me to think of my adult BPD stepdaughter in terms of intellectual/chronological vs. emotional age.  At 20, she was bumping up against a complex adult's world with the emotional skills of a young teen.  She simply wasn't equipped to handle the academic pressure, social dynamics and expectations of autonomy of young adulthood.  Her emotional brain was still at the level of a young teenager, ruled by self-centeredness, impulsivity, desire for instant gratification, intolerance of discomfort, difficulties handling setbacks, a quick temper, lack of empathy.  She also lacked perspective and had a very naive, childish understanding of how the world works.  Worst of all, she didn't really know who she was or where she fit in.  I think she was terrified about the future and completely shut down in avoidance.  Yet thinking in terms of emotional immaturity gave me some hope.  My stepdaughter needed some extra time to mature, as well as therapeutic support to learn some better coping skills.  I think that's why DBT therapy can help people with BPD, provided that they commit to the process.

If your daughter is calling you useless, mean and stupid, when you are clearly not any of those things, that is code for what she thinks about herself.  She is so ashamed and preoccupied with feeling inferior that it colors everything she sees.  She interprets the world through that distorted lens.  Based on what you wrote, I'd say she's projecting her insecurities onto you, which is a common BPD behavior.  I'd say she's extremely insecure, and she needs tons of reassurances from you.  My guess is that she's finding college extremely challenging with a full course load and much less support than what she was used to as a younger school girl.  One thing she might try is a reduced course load, until she gets a better handle of it.

I'll wrap up by saying that it sounds to me like you are over-functioning for your daughter.  I know, you want to reduce the stress in her life, in the name of keeping her stable.  But if you protect her too much, she'll never feel the natural consequences of her behavior, and she won't learn.  I'd say, she's the one responsible for her mittens, and all her clothes in fact.  If she can't find her mittens, then she'll have cold hands for the day, which is the natural consequence.  If she's late to class, she bears the consequence, not you.  If she doesn't face any consequences, she'll never learn.  And if you treat her like an 8-year-old girl, she's going to act like one, and slowly she starts to feel like one, too.  If she wants food, she needs to come to the kitchen like everyone else.  It's not your job to provide her room service.  You don't have to tell her your plans, just stop acting like her personal maid/short-order cook/butler/chauffeur and start treating her like an adult.  Adults have responsibilities, too.  In my opinion, she needs to help out in the home, and when she starts helping out, she'll start to feel more competent and part of the family.  Just because she has BPD doesn't give her the right to be a demanding freeloader, correct?  But if you start to make these changes, my advice would be to proceed in baby steps, with one change at a time.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a truly BPD experience with my SO but today was triggering.  My SO assumed from a facial expression that I didn’t want to do something.  I have zero idea what expression I made and I was looking forward to doing what I was asked about.  When I got angry at my SO jumping to conclusions, my SO doubled down on knowing exactly what I was thinking and that I was essentially lying about how I felt. 

All I wanted was to be heard, believed, and acknowledged that it was hurtful to assume something that wasn’t true. 

I looked back on here and over a decade ago I’d posted something very similar and how my SO jumping to conclusions about my thought process made me question my own reality. 

It has been a very rough year and I thought my SO was moving out of her BPD behaviors.  Now I think it’s that I simply have gotten good at not triggering them and sucking up my own feelings and tonight I couldn’t.   

Hi,
This sounds so difficult. I can relate to the constant texts and calls, and some of the horrible things said. I believe they say whatever they are feeling in the moment, and what will hurt the other person most. I also believe them when they say they don't remember - I almost think it's protective because if they remembered everything, they would not be able to look themselves in the mirror.

I don't think you are a bad parent at all. Of course, you've hit your limit. Anyone would. What you can say is that all the wonderful things you have done for her so far haven't improved anything, and they've only brought more chaos to you and your family. So, trying NC or very low contact seems reasonable.

I was reading the book, Caretaking the BPD/NPD, the other night. It's for partners, but it still has a lot of good stuff for us. It made the point frequently that we have one life, and if we are not happy with how things are going in this one life, only we can change them. That really struck me.

Life IS too short. We can't control another person or work harder than they do on their health. I hope you can find a way to care for yourself, and if that's NC, then it is.

Not sure how to begin.  I'm married 35+ years with 2 children and one step child to a woman who is clearly BPD.  I did not know that early on, but I did know that she had "emotional issues" from day 1.  It has been a long road.  I don't have to tell everyone on this forum how difficult this has been, of course.  But I am happy that I have finally found a place to share my experiences and frustrations with people who have been dealing with the kinds of things that I have. 

HI,
This sounds like a lot, and I'm really sorry. This sounds like a dangerous situation for your family. And not one that is going to get better without some changes. In my opinion,  physical abuse shouldn't be tolerated, so maybe it is time to get the police involved.

From a boundaries perspective, boundaries are what YOU will do if X happens. Because we have no true control over another person's actions, we control what we will do in response to them. So, for example - if you hit me again, I will leave the room and not bring you dinner/take away the car/turn off your phone plan/not drive you to class/call the police. Those are all things you do because you control you.

I've struggled mightily with boundaries. They are still hard for me, honestly, so I get it. No one really tells you how to do them. I found it helpful to read a few books: My Daughter has BPD, Boundaries by Henry Cloud, Stop Caretaking the BPD. But I did have to get myself a therapist.

Like you, I have been most worried about making sure my daughter feels validated and loved, but when they are in a flare-up and dysregulated, our love or kindness often fuels more dysregulation and reinforces the behavior. That's not me saying it, but the official literature.

In DBT, they say reinforce the behaviors you want to see and don't reinforce the ones you don't.

There's a lot to unpack in your story, so I would highly suggest the Family Connections class by NEA BPD as one option and a BPD-experienced therapist as another. It's impossible to parent our kids as we would parent regularly because the things that show love and connection are not interpreted by them in that way for all sorts of reasons. Hang in there.

Hi Trying306
You are surely in a very difficult position – particularly as DD is now a legal adult (here she would be). In reading your post I am wondering a few things such as do you see DD take the prescribed meds or do you hand them to her and presume she is taking them?

The other side could be that the meds are not well targeted and affecting her in many ways such as quality of sleep.

Also what meds has DD been prescribed? This does give a clue as to what the doctor has identified. You describe the morning scene – and also that DD suffered from social anxiety from a young age. The morning you describe is one that I can really identify with. The tension at that time of day I found to be connected to poor sleep – unable to get to sleep, then tired in the morning – and huge anxiety at the anticipation of the day ahead.

There were two responses – one was all out blaming and abusing me, the other was avoidance ie refuse to get up. Do you have an idea of DD’s ability to get to sleep and her sleep quality?

I do think timing of boundaries is important. A lot of the time I think we put up one when we have reached the end of our tether and are trying to stop ourselves drowning under the weight of the chaos. It is the end of the academic year here – not sure where you are in the world and how that fits with her studies.

This might sound ridiculous, but I think the most important thing at the moment is to let go of your anxiety regarding DD. My DD picked up on mine and it sent her anxiety through the roof. I learnt to do what I had to do but put my mind in another place. It as especially the case driving her to school. Talking made her anxiety a lot worse. If I was anxiously driving her, it made it worse .

There is a great deal to sort and I think focusing on one thing is helpful. I am speaking only from my experience of course but I would:
-observe what is happening re meds and know what they are supposed to be doing
- step back in my mind so that I disengaged emotionally from DD. If you do this for a while, I found it helped enormously for DD to be able to express what was happening for her.

I am probably not making sense – so apologies. I understand the importance of getting her to class etc – and I would prioritize that too – it’s just that it doesn’t seem as though the professional support has got to the bottom of your DD’s issues. The focus on you as a target of anger etc sure looks like BPD, but are there sensory processing issues, ADHD – just thinking aloud!

Separating your finances may be the next step, but is it enough from a legal standpoint?  Are your credit cards and other loan/mortgage accounts all separate, not joint?  From here it's hard remotely to know whether that would be enough to separate you legally from her spending habits.  Technically, divorce might sever most financial obligations but are you considering that option?