I used to work as a programmer for a Fortune 200 company which had divisions managing 401(k), 403(b) and other retirement plans.  But several years ago they merged divisions and promptly told me thank you and goodbye.  Unsaid was that I was near retirement age.  Back then the 10% withdrawal penalty only applied to those under 55 years of age.  Beyond that, CC43 wrote accurately.

Remember this if/when you get to splitting assets from retirement accounts, typically at the end of a divorce process.  You do NOT cut her a check from your retirement account!  Instead, there is a court & retirement administrator process (QDRO) that must be followed or else you risk paying her taxes.  What the administrator does is create a new account there for your stbEx, and moves the court approved amount (if that applies) to her new account separate from you.  Only at that point do you have NO tax consequences because it is not your concern what she does with it thereafter.

P.S.

I read that you are considering draining your retirement accounts for funds.  A question for you:  are the retirement accounts in a 401(k) plan sponsored by your employer?  Many plans will allow you to borrow funds.  You could ask your HR team about that.  I think borrowing would be better than an early withdrawal, which comes with personal taxes plus a 10% penalty.  There's such as thing as a hardship withdrawal, too.  You could look into that as a back-up plan.  One caution however:  if you lose your job, you typically have to repay the loan.  That's why it would be good to talk to HR or your 401(k) plan administrator to get all the details, and consider the pros and cons.

I agree with Notwendy, I don't think you'll be able to cohabitate once you file for divorce.  Your spouse is high conflict with destructive/violent tendencies--if she misbehaves when you make a reasonable request to share her financial information, she'll go ballistic with news of a divorce.

I think you need to make plans and have some back-up plans, too.  That's yet another reason to get your finances in order, because you might need to use some credit cards and emergency funds to live apart.  My sister, a victim of domestic violence by her uNPD husband, was fortunate to be able to escape her home and live with her parents for a while.  Even so, abandoning her home was not cheap; moving never is cheap.

It's true that couples might end up cohabitating for a while because divorce is too expensive.  I know of a case in my extended family where exes continued living in the marital home together for about a year, before they had sorted out new living arrangements and saved enough money to work out a settlement.  Cohabitation was awkward and very uncomfortable, but they made it through. One of the exes was able to refinance the mortage and buy out his ex-wife's share of the marital property.  But keep in mind that this couple didn't have to deal with untreated mental illness and associated irrational (and often self-destructive) behaviors.  Though they had their disagreements, they were able to reach an acceptable settlement with a mediator because they were able to negotiate in good faith for the most part--they both wanted to separate and move on.  I just don't see that happening with your spouse, based on what you've described.

I could have written this. Yes, we're all narcissistic...I too have zero empathy, only for her though since everyone else I've ever known disagrees. And yeah, it's very hard to wrap your head around their splitting and misinterpretations, no logic will fix this. Mine also demanded I go to therapy alone, and even demanded I bring up the issues she had with me, hoping they'd convince me to give in to her demands...both therapists told me to run away, and quick. We're all selfish too, and God I hated hearing 'I don't feel heard'. I still don't even know what that meant, other than her goal was for me to shut up and just listen to her complaints and agree I'm awful. It's hit and miss in telling your partner you were told you weren't diagnosed. They'll say you spun stories, weren't honest, didn't talk about what YOU do. And for me it was a whole new string of issues in that I didn't care about the relationship enough to try and be better. I wish you the best of luck.

Hello,

I am sorry that this accusations of NPD are going on for so long and that you believed her. Like Pook and Rowdy said it is common for pwBPD to accuse others of their problems (projection). When my pwBPD is dysregulated he can say that I have no empaty. But in reality I just have no understamding for his crazy behaviour/demands/accusations when dysregulated. At that time he also sometimes demands from me to get psychiatric treatment including meds and demands that I confess I also have psychiatric problems. He says I always just think of myself, never listen to him, never admit I am wrong etc. when reality is dofferent. I learnt to stand my ground in this and just calmly say that psychologist said I dont have personality problems, I did tests for autism which also showed I do not have it and nicely ask him to stop. It does not bring wonders, but he is kindly reminded he cannot push me indefinetly and slowly stops.He is on meds and they help him not to dysregulate so much any more luckily.

I think it will be easier for you when your therapist tells you an oppinion on your mental health stats. Maybe the friend clinical psychologist could also give you some oppinion. Then you could use this info from  professionals to make boundaries against this NPD accusations you are facing. It wont be easy, even more so because it was going on for so long, but I think you will just have to endure through all the drama that will probably come with setting the boundary to keep your sanity…


Good luck!

Does this sound like bpd?
Laundry gets left to  do so when I get to my weekend I start completing it. Wife gets offended by me doing laundry saying that me doing the laundry is me saying she didnt do enough and is slacking.

The fact that you are here asking questions……. nah, you’re not a narcissist. A narcissist wouldn’t give a flying f… it would just be out the door, on to the next victim. Their grandiose sense of self and lack of empathy means they simply don’t care. They certainly wouldn’t be sitting in their car crying, so get the idea that you are a narcissist out of your head.

It is a spectrum, and EVERYONE is on it to an extent. We all have certain narcissistic traits but at a normal level it is healthy, otherwise you would just become a doormat and get trampled on by everyone.

Like the pair of you, I was married to my wife for 23 years. And as Pook says, if you mention any concern of mental health problems on their part or call out their behaviour then you get the narc card levelled at you. Now, I didn’t get that to the extent you seem to have thrown at you, but from my own point of view, and yes it did make me question if I am narcissistic, if I really was one there is not a chance I would have put up with my wife’s behaviour for the 27 years we were together. And when I was discarded in quite cruel circumstances I would have destroyed her in seconds, but I didn’t because I am not a narcissist. And neither are you.

No!! You would also have to take your son with you. Yes, your D would be able to choose but keep a space for her or have her move on campus. It's likely she may change her mind if she chooses to stay with her mother.

I had not stayed in the same house alone with BPD mother for decades. We always visited as a family- and sometimes stayed there with both my parents. Then, when my father was in the hospital- I went to help with him but he was being taken care of in the hospital. Instead, I was in the house alone with BPD mother whose needs were constant and she was frequently dysregulated.

Her behavior was so erratic and it was so stressful I decided not to  stay in my parents' house after that, I stayed in hotel when I visited. I needed to have an emotionally safe space to go to.

It's standard advice for DV that leaving someone is the most dangerous time for the partner because the person will dysregulate and escalate their abusive behavior, their destructive behavior. You know there's already poor boundaries and alcohol use involved too.

IMHO, people and possessions that are important can not remain in the same space under these circumstances.

Not Wendy!  Thank you for the valuable advice....I love the "don't like rent free in my mind"!  I am guilty of that!  I think of that sometimes....whatever the negative feeling is....well, don't DWELL on it!  Thank you!