Hello,

I am sorry that this accusations of NPD are going on for so long and that you believed her. Like Pook and Rowdy said it is common for pwBPD to accuse others of their problems (projection). When my pwBPD is dysregulated he can say that I have no empaty. But in reality I just have no understamding for his crazy behaviour/demands/accusations when dysregulated. At that time he also sometimes demands from me to get psychiatric treatment including meds and demands that I confess I also have psychiatric problems. He says I always just think of myself, never listen to him, never admit I am wrong etc. when reality is dofferent. I learnt to stand my ground in this and just calmly say that psychologist said I dont have personality problems, I did tests for autism which also showed I do not have it and nicely ask him to stop. It does not bring wonders, but he is kindly reminded he cannot push me indefinetly and slowly stops.He is on meds and they help him not to dysregulate so much any more luckily.

I think it will be easier for you when your therapist tells you an oppinion on your mental health stats. Maybe the friend clinical psychologist could also give you some oppinion. Then you could use this info from  professionals to make boundaries against this NPD accusations you are facing. It wont be easy, even more so because it was going on for so long, but I think you will just have to endure through all the drama that will probably come with setting the boundary to keep your sanity…


Good luck!

The fact that you are here asking questions……. nah, you’re not a narcissist. A narcissist wouldn’t give a flying f… it would just be out the door, on to the next victim. Their grandiose sense of self and lack of empathy means they simply don’t care. They certainly wouldn’t be sitting in their car crying, so get the idea that you are a narcissist out of your head.

It is a spectrum, and EVERYONE is on it to an extent. We all have certain narcissistic traits but at a normal level it is healthy, otherwise you would just become a doormat and get trampled on by everyone.

Like the pair of you, I was married to my wife for 23 years. And as Pook says, if you mention any concern of mental health problems on their part or call out their behaviour then you get the narc card levelled at you. Now, I didn’t get that to the extent you seem to have thrown at you, but from my own point of view, and yes it did make me question if I am narcissistic, if I really was one there is not a chance I would have put up with my wife’s behaviour for the 27 years we were together. And when I was discarded in quite cruel circumstances I would have destroyed her in seconds, but I didn’t because I am not a narcissist. And neither are you.

First off, welcome to the family and I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.  What you've been through is horrible and I experienced only a small fraction of what you have in my 23 year marriage.  I saw the same patterns, received the same accusations, but never to the degree you're seeing it.

You posted in the bettering forums, which means advice will be geared towards saving your marriage.  But truthfully, in your situation it wouldn't matter what your intentions are, because there's a very clear path ahead.  You need to actually take the time to heal and overcome the decades of manipulation you've faced.

Just so you know, a narcissist would almost never think about if someone was calling them a narcissist...they'd explode and scream (sot of what your wife does to you...).  A narcissist is incapable of genuine empathy because it's always about them, every word, every action, every second of the day is self-serving.  They can mimic empathy if it's self-serving, but generally it's short lived.

Why am I saying this?  If you think you're a narcissist because your wife said so, then you're probably not.  My BPD ex wife of 23 years said the exact same thing.

BPD and NPD are closely tied on the spectrum, and people who are diagnosed with one often have some traits of both.  If your wife is continually trying to convince you how horrible you are, despite what you do to make things right, that feels like textbook narcissism to me.

Your goal here is simple- realize that you're responsible for you, and your wife is responsible for her.  You can't "fix her" or convince her to get help, but you can certainly decide to get yourself in a better headspace to heal from this abuse.  It's fantastic that you're starting therapy and having someone to talk this out with.  That's crucial.

Now, what to do about your wife. 

You made a boundary and she pushed back...which is what just about anyone with mental illness would do when you stand up for yourself.  But your boundary was hollow, you didn't follow through.  Even though you physically left home, you allowed her to call and message you non-stop.  She was punishing you for trying to punish her (at least what she viewed as punishment) and ultimately, she won because you allowed her to drive you to a breakdown.

And again, I'm so so very sorry you're going through this.  I'm guessing you posted here though because you're looking for answers to change these patterns.

All I can say is, stick to your boundaries.  Use "me statements" whenever possible like, "I need some space.  I'm not okay right now.  I can't ague anymore."  That's a lot better than, "I need to get away from you...I'm tired of you starting arguments over nothing."

When the "me statements" don't work, then move to boundaries.  You walk away and if necessary, you turn your phone off.  If you come home to fireworks, go back to "me statements" like "I don't feel safe here and the kids shouldn't be here either."  You're saying all this as patiently and as lovingly as possible, which I know is crazy difficult in your situation.  But you must de-escalate and walk away if that's not an option.

Your wife need therapy and possibly medication, but you're literally helpless to convince her.  She has to want to change, and the only way that happens is if she's faced with a realization that something is very wrong internally.  BPDs blame everyone and everything to avoid seeing that the problem is within, so this is super common.  Compassion and healthy boundaries are the best tools you have to help her long term (even if she pushes back and things are temporarily worse).

My heart breaks for you- I was in the same position three years ago.  I was devastated, broken, and so lost.  My faith is what helped me turn everything around and respond to my wife the right way.  Our marriage didn't survive, and my ex still denies that she has anything wrong.  But others have noticed and the same patterns are forming in her life all over again.  I mention that to say that none of this is your fault...it would have happened regardless who your wife was married to. [/color]

The problem, my friend, is mental illness.  Please accept that this is not your fault at all.


Thanks so much for your reply. It means the world. And yes, I can see that my boundary was hollow. I have a long way to go in figuring out how to set them and stick to them.

A huge challenge with my wife is that she is highly intelligent. Way more than me, and she is literally constantly reading up on psychological studies and content, even while we're watching a movie, driving in the car, lying in bed, she is reading psychology content. She comes into discussions/arguments armed with so much knowledge and official terms, that I find myself flailing.

But I understand that I will need to learn ways to navigate that, and solid boundaries are crucial. Again, thank you.

And also for the reassurance concerning the Narcissism. It does help, but the imprint she has made runs deep, so I will need the therapist to convince me it's not in me.