Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're struggling and unfortunately, it will continue until you stand your ground.

My BPD daughter is 26, about to be 27 in a few months, and I've been through the same battles.  I had to cut her off and let her experience the world on her own so she could break past the entitlement and we could have a different relationship.  It was painful to watch but it was all her decision- I simply said, "If you live here, you'll be respectful and help out.  If you don't want to do that, then you're going to leave."

So she left and she hated me...but she also hated me when I was paying for everything and doing everything for her.  Over time though, she realized that living with dad wasn't a bad option.  Our relationship changed because she changed, she stopped feeling entitled.

You are responsible for you only.  Your daughter is responsible for her life.  Don't confuse the two.  Take back your home and stop accepting abuse.

For BPDs, there's almost always a belief that if they just had this one thing, their life would be perfect and they wouldn't be mentally ill anymore.  But time after time, they get what they want and there's soon a new thing that they must have for life to make sense.  A new job, a new partner, a new epic vacation, a new car, the list can be endless and none of them fix the actual problem in their minds.

It's just a stopgap- everyone's happy when they get shiny new things.  But that happiness always wears off.

For your BPD partner, marriage won't fix things.  Next it will be a baby, a new home, etc.  It will make things tougher on you though because the dynamic with your kids will change, and your partner's stance will change too since you should always stand by your wife. 

My advice is not to be forced into marriage over a false promise.  Therapy, medication, and a willingness to change is what makes a difference.  Everything else is just a temporary fix.

I've spent the last two years in therapy processing the impact of BPD in three significant personal relationships--my mother, my ex-husband and my former stepson. I no longer have contact with the ex-husband or stepson, but I do still have a sometimes good, sometimes less good relationship with my mom.

I've learned how to navigate things with my mom much better for the most part, although there are still moments where I am triggered by her behaviors. The issue I have more difficulty navigating, and one that's been a regular discussion point in therapy, is my relationship with my dad when it comes to his enabling/appeasement of my mom, specifically because his enabling often involves asking me and my other siblings to participate in that enabling. We find ourselves essentially serving as his proxy in a relationship dynamic we didn't choose or agree to.

Of course he wouldn't identify it this way--I don't know if he even recognizes her BPD for what it. He sees her as "high maintenance" and "difficult to handle." My family is very religious and for him I think leaving her was never an option and the path of least resistance (appeasement) always seemed like his best path. Recognizing my resentment toward him for this in therapy this year was a big aha moment. My dad is one of the kindest, most empathetic people you will ever meet, so it's difficult for me to hold my deep love and also very real resentment toward him in the same space.

Now that I have named this dynamic for what it is, I am no longer willing to participate. But I need to figure out how to set these boundaries clearly and gently with him and my siblings. The challenge there is that my whole family knows how my mom is, and they will roll their eyes and complain about her, but for the most part, if the appeasement doesn't seem overly burdensome, they will just go along to get along. Or they'll do like I have often done in the past and try to find a way to avoid whatever the issue/conversation is altogether.

Here's an example of what this looks IRL, which just came up yesterday. My sister sent a long message to all the siblings about a message Dad had sent her. Mom is in victim mode again, throwing herself a pity party because she's the only one of our family without a college degree and that somehow excludes her from social opportunities, so she is "stuck" at home all the time. (Don't ask me to do the mental gymnastics on that one). And no one appreciates her. So Dad wants us to see if we can think of free or cheap classes that she could take to advance her education (they're low income). Also to give her a lot of compliments while everyone is home from Christmas.

I think my dad thinks these requests are benign. I think the rest of my family finds them annoying but also benign & they just don't want any drama. I, on the other hand, responded to my sister's message by saying that, while Dad has the prerogative to decide what his relationship with Mom looks like, we are all adults now and I think it's best we navigate our own individual relationships with her on our own terms.

I said it this way because honestly, deep down, I felt like if I simply said I was opting out, it would sound selfish because, I mean, how hard is it to give someone a few extra compliments? But we all know it goes deeper than that, because now I'm in the position of satisfying her emotional deficits for her.

My sister got a bit defensive (I wasn't debating with her, just saying how I planned to handle it) and basically said she was just relaying Dad's message. My brothers were both radio silent, which is typical. We all ignore the elephant in the room, despite the deep and lasting wounds we all carry from our tumultuous childhood (basically all of us are or have been in extremely dysfunctionial/unhealthy marriages).

I would love some ideas on how to communicate these boundaries with my dad and siblings both, without sounding like I just don't care. My sister has done some therapy but she's the only other one in my family who has. In some ways I feel like therapy gave me a whole new language to describe my personal experience, and now there's a translation issue when I try to talk about these issues with my family.

How do I explain why it's important to me to say I'm not going to tell my mom how much I appreciate her just to prop up her self worth, when it will just be this same cycle all over again next time?

SoVeryConfused,  Thank you for sharing your heart. I relate totally to what you wrote. It feels so unnatural to relate to my son in ways that actually help my son have a chance to recover and live my life too. I like you am learning and trying new behaviors. Baby steps. There is a lot to grieve and I believe that is a part of this walk. I'm learning acceptance. I feel for your struggle as well
This is definitely not easy, I glad for people like you that understand.

Well, when hearing unfounded accusations and blaming, I've tried the gray rock method, avoiding JADE, and trying to be loving with a hug.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.  I guess if they sound like a broken record, it's because they ARE a broken record.  Nothing I do or say will make any difference when they're in a funk/rage.  Sometimes I've found that the best response is none at all.  The broken record will keep running until they get tired out, bored or distracted by something else.  Sometimes I suspect they enjoy the drama, as if they have an insatiable desire to say mean things and release their discontent.  I do NOT enjoy drama so usually try to make a quiet escape. 

I guess I've resigned myself to just let them have a meltdown, and then to give them an "adult time out."  I do my best not to interrupt the time out.

If the pwBPD isn't treated, she will cling to her victim attitude like her life depends on it.  You see, she blames everyone else, especially the people closest to her, for all her problems and negative feelings.  The sad thing is, this renders her powerless and makes her feel alienated, when what she desperately wants is closeness.  She expects others to fix her problems and make her feel better, and she's constantly disappointed when that doesn't happen.  Her frustrations need an outlet, namely the accusations and blaming.  If you understand that, perhaps it won't hurt you quite as much.  Just try not to reinforce her bad behavior with attention, and lay on the praise and encouragement when she's regulated, maybe even nice from time to time. 

Does angry staring At you until you apologize count?

I appreciate your response and insight thank you Rowdy

Hi Movie,

I can see why all this feels so confusing.  On the one hand, your wife is smart, gifted in some ways even.  And yet on the other hand, she harnesses her intelligence to undermine you.  BPD affects close relationships the most.  She knows you well and therefore knows exactly how to push your buttons.

In my (albeit relatively limited) experience, it's common for pwBPD/NPD to accuse others of being a narcissist.  This is mostly projection.  I bet your wife suspects she has some mental issues, differences and/or maladaptive thinking habits.  She's not comfortable with that idea, because it triggers feelings of intense shame, and perhaps ironically, her thoughts about it are distorted and maybe illogical.  She feels so much shame that she can't bear to put things in perspective (I feel traumatized all the time, I'm wired to be extra sensitive, I'm so irritated and anxious that I'm having trouble living my best life, I'm lashing out at my family when they don't deserve it, I hate myself; that's not healthy, maybe I should try therapy or medications, because if I'm miserable I owe it to myself to get some help to feel better.)  Rather, the suspicion of mental illness is eating at her, and she ruminates about it often.  In times of stress, her concerns come out as projections.  She starts calling YOU the narcissist, when you clearly are not one.  That's just a sign that mental illness is top-of-mind for her, and she's primed to detect indications of mental illness everywhere, because everything she sees is through that warped lens.  She starts to accuse and blame YOU, precisely when you feel you're healing from trauma.  Do you want to know what is bugging your wife?  Listen to her complaints and try to read between the lines, especially if what she's complaining about doesn't seem to make sense at first.  She's unconsciously telling you what's bugging her, while she's too afraid to admit it to herself, let alone take any responsibility.  I bet she's blaming you for all sorts of things that have nothing to do with you, correct?  That's classic projection, classic victim mentality, classic BPD.  I'm happy to share more examples of this, because once I figured out projection (basically when a loved one was accusing me of things that were patently, ridiculously untrue), I had a lightbulb moment, just like you.

As for your wife's lack of support when you're feeling stable/happy, my opinion is that could also be a response typical of BPD.  You see, pwBPD often feel miserable.  Seeing others be happy reminds them of how unhappy they feel inside.  I think that's one of the reasons that the holidays are a trigger--the cheerfulness is a reminder of how dissatisfied they feel, and that brings on feelings of resentment as well.  Expectations run high along with her entitlement/need to be the center of attention at all times, and when her needs aren't being met, BAM, she has a meltdown.  You know the expression, misery loves company?  I think in the case of BPD, it's misery loves miserable company.  It's possible that your wife is subconsciously trying to make you miserable, so that she's not so lonely.  In essence she's putting you down, in a misguided attempt to make herself feel better.  She just cannot be happy for you when you're happy.  She feels "abandoned," which is a huge trigger for BPD.  You're delighted when your wife is happy and enjoying her success/friends/hobbies/good health, correct?  Does your wife feel the same way when you're in a good place?  Probably not.  I think that's because of distorted BPD thinking.

There's another phenomenon common with BPD, which is having meltdowns when there is sickness, death or other misfortune in the family.  It seems to me that's because they can't handle the fact that they aren't the center of attention, and that your attention is temporarily diverted in another direction.  The meltdown is a misguided attempt to reclaim that attention.  Does that ring any bells?

I feel it has helped me to understand all these behaviors by separating intellectual age/capabilities from emotional age/capabilities.  While someone may have a strong intellect, their emotional intelligence could be delayed, or show a tendency to regress mightily under stress.  I think with BPD, emotional intelligence could be at a much younger level, such as that of a typical teenager.  Teenagers tend to have low tolerance for distress, and can be impulsive, self-centered, entitled, superficial, demanding, lacking in perspective, petulant, explosive and give up easily.  At that age, emotions are super-sized and seem exaggerated for the situation.  Everything seems black or white, and small setbacks seem like life-altering catastrophies to them.  The world seems overwhelming, and a typical coping response is flight (avoidance, quitting, blocking, procrastinating too much) or fight (shouting, insults, punishments).  Does that sound familiar?  Look, if your wife has BPD and hasn't gotten therapy, she might be facing an adult's complicated world with the emotional skills set of a young teen.  No wonder she seems to fall apart so easily.  In my mind, that's BPD in a nutshell.

Hope that perspective helps you a little.

It's puzzled us kids too! It seems the men in my mother's circle had more tendency to minimize her behavior and see her in a more postive and appealing way than we did. We did care about her- our perspective was not only negative. She had positive qualities and when she was at her best, she was amazing.

Attraction is a part of it and perhaps what made her attractive was more appealing, culturally, to some men. These same qualities in a man may not be culturally attractive to women. There was a fragility to her, she was very feminine. It wasn't only with romantic relationships, but other men, neighbors, family friends, relatives. Female relatives were less likely to excuse her behavior.

In addition, who we are attracted to and who is attracted to us is complex, unconsious, and also influenced by our family of origin and what is considered attractive in a culture. Similar dynamics are also seen in same sex couples.

I think there's also a societal bias in domestic abuse, with the assumption that men are the abusers and more support for women in abusive relationships. For men, they may not want to admit they are being abused, out of fear of being accused, not believed, or shame for feeling vulnerable. Counselors may be quicker to point DV out to women, but DV happens to men too. I hope that there will be more recognition and support for men in abusive situations.

There's great advice here, and I wanted to add to it.

Projection is an aspect of BPD. PwBPD have difficulty managing their own uncomfortable emotions and so, may project them onto someone or something else. Sometimes what they say about or accuse someone else of is more reflective of them than that person.

The "self defense" to being defined or falsely accused is our own boundaries. We can't change how someone else thinks, but we don't have to accept it as true. The boundary is a sense of self- what is me, what isn't me.

A mental exercise that helped me is to substitute in my own mind something absurd for the accusation. If your wife called you a pink elephant would you believe her? No, because you know you aren't one. Also, her saying it wouldn't turn you into one. The accusations aren't as absurd, so it can seem confusing but they can be just as untrue.

BPD affects people of all intelligences, all backgrounds. Some pwBPD are high functioning, with high powered jobs and others can't manage employment or household tasks. BPD affects relationships and it affects the most intimate, closest relationships the most. Someone with BPD may be able to "hold it together" in public, and with aquaintances and also be disfunctional at home with close family members.

Just because your wife is intelligent doesn't give her the power to define you or anyone else. It's good that you are seeing a therapist to work on your past trauma and also your own sense of self, so that you can hold on to your own sense of self in this situation.