Yes yes and yes again. Everything you say is so familiar.
I bought her a mk1 golf (rabbit in the us) cabriolet, as it was her dream car. The reason, she had just opened her salon and felt that she deserved for me to buy her dream car for her.
It had alloy wheels, that were corroding and the paint was flaking. Along with a few other bits I had to do to it, I spent quite a while stripping the paint off the wheels and hand polishing them to a mirror finish. In between the spokes on the wheels I painted one side silver, and one side black, so she had an option on how she wanted them to look. She went absolutely ape sh!t

I spent months unpaid completely cutting and refurbishing salons for her. I hand made reception desks for both salons. She wanted to open an antiques shop next door to the salon, in a 300 year old building that was completely dilapidated and took me a year to renovate…….. but I didn’t do anything to show her I loved her

I could have been outside replacing the struts, brakes and rotors on her car she was trying to sale. Come inside from hours of work in 100 degree weather...take off my sweaty shirt and put it on the counter, get a glass of ice water and just breathe loud. 'Why are you mad? If it's that big of a deal I could have taken it to a shop. I knew you were going to do this, now you'll hold it against me forever. This is why I never rely on anyone but myself. You ruin everything!' Uh...what the fk?

I'd thank her for every single thing. Even just existing at times, telling how much happier and better my life is because of who she is. She'd smile in the moment and kiss me or whatever. But whenever anything went strange, even bad traffic, I was the devil to her. And always heard this 'you never do anything for anyone but yourself. You're selfish. I can never count on you when I need you the most. I should be able to rely on my bf'........I did every single thing possible for her. And my idiotic self would DARVO and start listing off endless things I do and have done, not just for her, but also told her that's a ridiculous claim as every single person in my life would defend the opposite to death.

Good things are maybe appreciated in the moment, but then the slate is wiped clean and any future perceived error is all that matters and you're 'all bad'.

oh my f’king god. This 100% this! The times I would just exhale loudly and get “what’s wrong” ………”nothing why?”……….”you’re huffing, stop huffing what’s the matter?” ………. “Nothings the matter I’m just breathing” and yes the accusations of not appreciating them, even if you have just said the words I appreciate everything you do, that can be turned into you have never said that.

hi!  I am so very sorry to hear this I guess I would say welcome to the club, but it is not the club to be in very quick version (i always say I sound "non-chalalant" but mine has been going on for so long...my almost 26 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD nearly 4 years ago; at first, I was her favorite person (again, not the place you want to be); I have researched BPD, joined NAMI, I have a therapist, who specializes in assisting parents of children with BPD, I have read (I suggest...) Walking on Egg Shells (I Hate You Don't Leave Me....is very clinical); for awhile, I would stay over her apartment, she had me hide her knives, there were 3 inpatient psych stays, I had to force feed her once, like you, she could be nice or soooo sooo mean; fast forward, 3 years ago, she said I was "enabling her" and cut off ties with me, her dad, sister & beautiful nieces (we practically raised); so, I don't necessarily have advice, just stay strong and hang in there....BPD is a BEAST please reach out, if you like

oh yeah, they know everything you feel, what your breathing pattern means, what your face means. You could be tired and just exhale loud....suddenly 'tell me what's wrong? I know you're mad? What did I do now? I can't even be myself. It's exhausting being with you. Just tell me, I know you'll bring it up later'

by that time you're now actually upset with the insults and hour of being TOLD you're mad, then you blow up on them a little...and now the conversation is about how badly you abuse them and don't appreciate them. If you walk away before blowing up...you don't care about them, you don't fight for the relationship and you cannot communicate. LOSE-LOSE

Hi, and welcome back.  I remember some of your earlier posts. 


In most of the world, if not all of the world, having wealthy parents, or at least parents who are able and willing to provide extended financial support like that pretty much trumps everything else - intelligence, work ethic, personality - and you'll see those people living better lives than their peers... at least until the money runs out, or they get into careers or roles that require them to actually perform. 

As far as envying the life of anyone that's BPD, I think you've seen the workings of their mind a bit.  I would not envy being them one bit.  Being  alone with their thoughts and their insecurities must be rough. 

After I got divorced, several people in my life would comment on how well BPDxw seemed to be doing; she loves to post pictures of herself, her car, trips, house, etc. on facebook.  But I knew from stories my daughter would tell me how much she and her new BF would fight, and some of the insane things that would happen between them - a lot of door-slamming, screamfests every night it seemed.  So it was all a mirage, really.  Her pictures and image were carefully curated to project "successful young professional who has it all" but the reality was quite different.  And of course, the child support payments I was making to her paid for a lot of it... she spends very little of it on my daughter, who's always in cheap clothes and goes to public school. 

I would tell people I didn't envy her at all, because I knew it was all fake, and I knew from how she behaved during our marriage and the things she'd occasionally confess that her mind was like her own prison.  She was constantly sizing herself up to others, and needed that contact and feelings of superiority in order to feel adequate.  If she didn't get that, she was in melt-down mode, picking fights with those closest to her.  And if someone measured up better than her, or didn't go along with her, she was burning that bridge fast.  I've lost count of how many friends and neighbors here she's no longer on speaking terms with.

So if you're hung up on your BPDx's image and apparent success and happiness, let it go.  You don't know what's really going on behind closed doors.  Just give it time, and you'll likely see the same patterns emerge that sunk your relationship.  And if not, if she's one of the rare pwBPD that's able to successfully recognize and control her behavioral disorder, well good for her.  Maybe she'll reach out and apologize for how she treated you, but maybe not.  And regardless, you have your own life and path to walk, and it's not near hers.  Learn to appreciate what you have!


There's going to be ups and downs; life is a marathon, not a sprint.  The first years of your career are the most challenging, but if you work hard and keep your eyes and ears open, you'll learn fast and it will get easier. 

And a lot of people burn out and fail out of their careers, especially if they burn too brightly early on.  So again, focus on your own game and don't worry about things outside your control.  It's natural to do so, of course, as we compare ourselves to our peers, but you can't let it affect you so much.  If the person is BPD, you'll likely see these ups and downs happen a lot more regularly... just give it time and don't allow envy to cloud your judgment. 

My 20 year old daughter has been struggling since she was 15. She has always had anger issues (big feelings disproportionate to the stressor) even when she was little. She showed social anxiety traits we noticed in high school and depression. We took her to counselling and she’s been in therapy since she was 17. She’s been diagnosed anxiety, depression, and ptsd (from a sa by her first boyfriend when she was 15- which she hid and we don’t find out until a self harm attempt and hospitalization when she was 17). She is convinced she has BPD- and says her therapist and psychiatrist confirmed it (but they have never mentioned it to us). But then again she is 20 so maybe they have and just don’t tell us? The past 7 months have been an extremel challenge. She is struggling so much, her meds have not worked, and her episodes of verbal aggression has escalated to physical violence- but only against me and my husband (her father). My younger daughter has witnessed these events, but she has never had any sort of episode in front of anyone else. No teacher, employer therapist doctor or friend has any idea she has these episodes. To them she is the smartest and sweetest person. At home though, she is so volatile. She never truly participates in any family day to day activities. Getting her own food or drinks (we have to hand deliver them to her room- exactly what she wants not what the family is eating) and she refuses to help out at all. Even asking her to unload the dishwasher or to bring down her dishes will trigger her anger. Unless of course we have company. If we can get her to participate she is the model of a human. Helpful, friendly, outgoing.
The last seven months her episodes are daily, If not multiple times a day. She is now even hitting me or pulling my hair as I am trying to drive her to university because she was running late (even after I packed her bag for her with her laptop and headphones, brought her her morning meds and breakfast, started the car to warm it up for her, and gave her gentle reminders of the time). Unfortunately I forgot to hand her her mittens so the verbal abuse began. I’m stupid I’m a bi&;$, I’m useless and it is now my fault she refuses to go to class (because I couldn’t find where she put her mittens). Without reacting in any way, keeping calm I got her into the car but she then was screaming at me (to get a reaction out of me-I suppose) she grabbed my hair as I was driving and tugged hard enough I almost lost control of the vehicle. Again. I didn’t react and kept driving her to class (as we were now 4 minutes away from her being late). I know I have to pick her up and get her home asap because she has an online midterm 15 minutes after her class ends. But I asked her as I was dropping her off what time and which doors does she need to be picked up, and she refused to answer: she just got out and went to class. I took the day off work just so I could get her to and from class in time for her online exam, and I know she doesn’t mean the things she says or does, but how do I set boundaries? Everything I read says to set boundaries but HOW? The one time I said “sweetie I am sorry you are feeing overwhelmed right now, but you can no longer put your hands on me or your dad. I am done with the violence.” Apparently all she heard was “I’m done”. This validating her belief I am abandoning her. It took weeks for her to call me her mom again. She still demanded I do all the things for her, but “I am no longer her mom”.
There is so much more, but I am struggling so much. We love her and just want so badly to make sure she feels loved, validated and safe, but every time we try to set a boundary the situation becomes so much worse. We are trying to get her into a private facility in a different province (as we don’t have one here) but she does not want to take a semester off university. Since she is 20 we can’t really force the issue. Chronically she is 20, but mentally and emotionally she could not move out or be in any way self-sufficient..
How do we set boundaries without triggering an episode? And is this the best time to do that when she seems to be in such crisis?

Hello, this is my first post here and I am sort of at my wits end in my relationship right now. I (27m)have been with my partner (27f)for 9 years and we have been married for 2. As is typical in many bpd relationships we have had many high highs and low lows. She is my absolute best friend and has been my only romantic partner in life. We got together fresh out of high school and have experienced many great times together. This issues come in the lows of our relationship. My partner has been in and out of therapy for the past several years and often calls it pointless or stigmatizing. I haven’t experienced verbal and physical abuse from her in times of distress with often the root cause of the argument being something mundane as she didn’t like my tone and I got defensive or that I ask her to please stop yelling or cursing at me when she’s upset. I haven’t been great to her the entire relationship either and at several points in the past I haven’t also lost my temper and pushed or yelled at her but not nearly to the frequency to which I have experienced from her.

My breaking point came about a month ago when she insisted we both stop seeing our therapists because she thought they were bigoted towards her and that they were trying to get us to break up. My counselor was supportive of my decision to stay in the relationship but emphasized that physical and verbal abuse is something that shouldn’t be experienced in a healthy relationship at all much less on a monthly basis. After dropping out things were okay for a while up until one morning she woke up and immediately began complaining about how I wasn’t good enough for her as a partner. She began throwing things and punching me. I got angry and yelled a little and left the house. My partner doesn’t have much of a support system so she called my own family in distress. I feel embarrassed. My whole family is aware of the abuse happening in our relationship and I feel that they don’t feel very comfortable with us being in this relationship. A few days after this I told her I wasn’t sure if it would be good for us the be together. She begged for me to not leave and asked what she could do for me to reconsider. She also told me she would most likely kill herself if we were not together.

I felt very bad for her and still have a lot of love and compassion for my partner so I accepted her back. I insisted she read a dbt workbook, look at finding a full time job or to make better use of her free time (she works 15 hours a week), and that she sees a therapist. She has been working on all of these things and has found a therapist that specializes in dbt and sexual difficulties (the main hot button topic of our conflict). In this time things have been better but she has still hit me from a small argument. I playfully patted her stomach while talking with her one morning and she slapped me across the face.

I feel so conflicted. I love this person very dearly but it is very hard to see a life with her that is stable in the future. I want kids but I don’t feel comfortable having children in an environment like this. I feel like I want to give her more time to change but it’s been years now and we have been dealing with the same issues we have been for what seems like forever. My family feels awkward with her and she feels awkward with them. I feel scared leaving because I don’t feel like I am very lovable to most people. I am also worried she will take her own life as she has said as much and that she would blame me if she did. I guess I try to not think about all this too much and take life one day at a time but it feels foolish and like I’m blindly walking to the edge of a cliff. She is constantly talking about wanting kids and I don’t feel comfortable being permanently tied to someone who I don’t feel like I can fully trust right now. It feels like everyone in my life who knows about this is telling me I should leave but it feels so hard. I want this relationship to work so badly. She insists that a lot of the issues in our relationship are because of my own mental issues and I don’t know what to do about that. She hated my last therapist because my therapist insisted we couldn’t work through any of my personal issues until my relationship was in a better place to do so.

What should I do?

Hi and welcome to the forum. I am fairly new here too.

This is a public forum and as such it is advised that we do not use names and keep things anonymous.

You are not alone, many of us on here know exactly what you are going through, as it is as if they are all acting out from the same script. From your introduction there are a few things I can relate to, that are also in the DSM as criteria for BPD.
The spending for example, is something my wife (my ex, still married but separated for the past 2 years) used to do. She could spend as if the world is going to end tomorrow.
The cannabis addiction. My wife was, and I’m quite convinced still is, a cocaine addict. That was the catalyst for our separation, as she was buying the drugs from her friends husband. They split up because of his behaviour, his wife left him. I asked my wife to stop buying drugs from him, so she ran off with him.

Also, the lights around your house struck a cord. My first thought reading that was, does your husband not realise planes land on runways because they are lit up with landing lights.
Lights attract aircraft’s landing, does he not realise there is more chance (very little chance) the lights would make it more likely an aircraft would land on the house than not.
It’s a little bit different, but the same disordered thinking none the less, but my wife was convinced we would be safer in the hot tub if there was a thunder storm. I had to explain that it was far from the safest place to be in the middle of a thunderstorm, but she couldn’t grasp that advice. I had to explain to her that our local swimming pool has a section that joins the indoor pool to an outdoor pool, and in a thunderstorm they close the pool altogether so people don’t get fried to death if a lightening strikes the water outside.

Lastly, journaling, writing things down, be it on here or in a diary, is a great way to help you understand the dysregulated behaviour, to help you remember things you have forgotten, and especially if you do so on here, to give you some validation that you are not going mad, that your husbands behaviour is not your fault, and you didn’t cause it.

Perhaps, it would make more sense for you to visit your mother instead of allowing her to come visit you. This way you could stay in a hotel and limit the amount of time you spend with her. It does not sound like she would handle very well either staying at your house or in a hotel.