This is a tricky point. Because as we all know, there was idealization and amazing times initially. When they were head over heels for you, it was 'real'. They thought you were flawless and all felt real. As soon as they realize you're a human and make mistakes, the love/hate starts.

So while it was 'real', it wasn't ever anything permanent. From what I experienced, the slate is always cleaned at every turn. Good things are erased and bad things are never forgotten. For something to be real, my mind tells me it should be constant. While I'm so angry with how I was treated, I don't regret the love I gave and showed.

yet again, yes! I’ve had the I have to walk on eggshells around you comment thrown at me. Me, the person that she says is so laid back if I was any more laid back I would be horizontal. The person she accuses of not caring when she just confuses that with emotional security. The person that never had a go at her about her behaviour. Never used to twist her words out of proportion.

I could t behave the way she does if I tried. I know this, because I tried. So in retrospect it is probably just as difficult for the disordered person to act in an acceptable manner.

why do you believe this?

I guess CPTSD manifests itself similarly to BPD.  But unlike BPD, it's cause can be traced to an event, or series of events.  I wonder if this makes it more of a treatable condition?  Or at least allows for a more treatable condition.  Maybe that's why she seems to have shown some improvement?

That part about not telling someone things until after they're married is wild.  It's one thing to find out someone is BPD or CPTSD after you're married, and have been in the dark before then because they kept it together.  However to knowingly tell someone "I have a deep dark secret, and I won't share it until you're legally bound to stay with me" is next level! 


So much of the world works on a "who you know" rather than "what you know" basis that I would assume her father's prestige opened career doors for her that wouldn't be open to the typical university graduate.  And similarly, earlier in my career I had been surprised many times by interactions with members of my profession that had absolutely golden resumes & respected positions at their firms, but couldn't handle simple tasks or do their job competently.  I've learned you just never know what someone is like at work until you see how they actually perform. 

There was a period of time after our divorce that BPDxw's career trajectory changed dramatically.  She was younger than me, and started her career later, but landed a really good job and looked to be on the rise.  We work in the same profession, and you'd think this would've bothered me, but I knew better.  She was from another country, although she did a master's program here at a fairly prestigious American university.  But I've since learned that this school often fills out their masters programs with candidates for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with actual ability, intellect, test scores, grades, etc.  So again... you just never know what someone is really like, or how they got where they are unless you saw how "the sausage gets made" so to speak. 

Anyways, I remember wondering "how the hell did she get THAT job?" then checking out her bio page at the firm, and noting that she had claimed expertise in a lot of areas where she had none, or at most, a bit of highly-supervised work on one or two projects.  She really had no expertise whatsoever, but I digress. And in addition to the falsely claimed expertise, she claimed to be fluent in two other languages - aside from English and her native language - that I knew for sure she was not fluent in.  But she was not a nepotism hire; she wasn't there because she was bringing in business or had an influential parent who could benefit the firm; she was now in a position where she was expected to perform, and I knew it would be only a matter of time before that exposed her.  Sure enough, one evening my daughter told me her mom was crying at home a lot because her "boss hates her work" and she thought she was going to get fired.  And then she was fired not too long after that.  She went back to her glorified clerk job at the firm where she started her "career" and she's been there ever since.

I do sometimes wonder what finally got her... was it just general incompetence?  Or did she actually get asked to sit in on a meeting conducted in one of her fake fluent languages and get exposed hard core as fraud?  How had they overlooked this?   There might be a story there.

BPDxw also grew up in a notoriously corrupt country, where competence does not matter, and "the truth" is whatever you can convince people it is.  Lie on your resume.  Tell them you designed and built the Eiffel Tower.  You have 4 PhD's from Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and MIT.  You cured cancer.  If they buy it, you're golden.  If not?  No big deal!  Just find a bigger sucker next time.

And not to act like America isn't also horribly corrupt now, but at least here, for example, doctors can't just buy an M.D.; they're expected to go through medical school (without paying each professor for a passing grade), pass the boards, and learn how to specialize in a medical field via a multi-year residence.  So we have some standards.  BPDxw keeps learning that the hard way. 

Hi. I’m very sorry to everyone who is dealing with a BPD family member.  Reading this post resonated with me so much, I feel your pain. Hugs to you all!. My adult daughter had childhood depression, sports major injury trauma x 3 (mental side much worse than the physical side) in middle school era, adhd, anxiety, bipolar and now (undiagnosed but 100% evident) BPD. 
She’s a 21 year old Senior in college and her mental health issues have become worse and worse as she’s gotten older. Like others mentioned, I’m her punching bag, the blame for everything that goes wrong in her life, and the reason she is the way she is, the reason she tried to take her own life.. 
Her BPD first appeared her freshman year of college when she
had relationship issues with her roommate's and had to move several times as she could not seem to get along with anyone. It was always the other persons problem. She was her best self fall of her sophomore year as she was happy with a boyfriend, and studying hard that she could transfer to his school in the spring. But when spring rolled around, they broke up and that’s what sent her off into her first BPD spiral.  She quit going to class she was drinking every day started taking drugs. She would call and scream in a rage I have never witnessed. She managed to finish this semester, but we brought her home that summer so we could keep an eye on her and try to get her some professional help.  The week before her junior year started, she went through another break up and that’s what sent her over the edge.  She took a huge handful of Tylenol while we were on vacation with our extended family. We rushed her to the hospital and spent the next five days in a hotel of the while they pumped her stomach and checked her into the Pysch ward.. We debated allowing her to return to school that fall, but the psychiatrist said it would be OK as long as she attended regular therapy sessions, checked in daily, etc. So we decided I would stay with her for the first week to make sure she was OK to stay. The second night I was there she was ready for me to leave so she decided to call the cops on me. fortunately, once I explained to the police why I was there they allowed me to stay, but I ended up leaving the next day.  It only got worse from there.  We would visit her and take her out to a nice dinner and she would claim that we said something negative about her, and abruptly leave dinner and tell us to leave .  After that, we started receiving hateful texts or phone calls out of the blue to start a fight, usually in the middle of the night. Then the risky behaviors started one after another, basically all of the choices you would never want your child to make.  Of course, we bailed her out every time.  She started cutting family and friends out of her life - anyone that she disagrees with or feels they’ve somehow wronged her in some distorted way.  Fast forward to this fall.  A few weeks ago, we came in town for the college homecoming weekend. It was to be her last one as she’s a senior.  We had planned this for months with another family. The morning of the homecoming weekend she called and started a fight with us and told us not to come.  She didn’t want us there and threatened to harm herself.  Of course we came anyway, and went to all the planned activities that we had purchased tickets for,  but she would not join us at any of the events. We didn’t know how to explain to the other family except for that she just wasn’t feeling well.  We tried to stop by her apartment on our way out of town to help jumpstart her car and she flipped us a bird and told us to get the F out of there.  The following week she announced to us that she was not going to come to Thanksgiving.  I thought for sure she was bluffing.  But she wasn’t. And that’s when it really hit me. I feel like I’m losing my daughter. I totally felt your pain when you were talking about what to tell people because I saw a lot of friends and family over the holiday and they all asked about both of my children and when they were coming home. I immediately got emotional and overshared a few times.  I’m in survival mode and can’t control it.  Now I am feeling extreme guilt and shame for sharing/exposing our family drama.  So I scheduled my first therapy session yesterday, but I didn’t feel like it was useful. I  told her the same sad stories I already knew with no feedback.  I am hoping this group will help serve that purpose. Love to all.

On the flip side I'm a relatively emotional guy. I work with my bpd ex, I still live in the house we shared, same bed, same everything pretty much. That has slowed my healing by 100%. I absolutely threw out tons of things she got me that reminded me of her. Plus she took many of our things when she left that I wish stayed. Of course I keep things I NEED like power tools and things like that. For someone like me to heal, I need legitimate 'no contact' and that happens to be with inanimate objects as well. I threw out photo albums and deleted every photo of her/us the very next day. My heart is too big and my brain is too small. Alas, we'll all make it to the other side.

and the funny part is, they say they are the ones who can't be themselves, don't feel heard, and have to walk on eggshells. Any boundary we have is apparently a character assassination on them...but in reality, just don't be a horrible human. I am late to this realization, but I truly believe there is no way they can be even remotely normal and kind unless they are self aware enough to realize there is a problem and actively work on it every second of the day which is hard for anyone. But that goes for any illness. Self work is hard.

Thankful,

Fantastic job on reassuring your kid, and especially for redirecting the situation without disparaging Mum (that's silly, it's your card, you can open it).

I have a young niece who was parentified and bullied by her uNPD dad.  When she was around six or seven, she had some counseling to learn some tactics to cope with her dad's treatment.  One thing her therapist advised her to say was:  "That's silly Daddy, kids aren't supposed to buy the groceries/make dinner/withdraw money from the ATM/clean a backed-up toilet, that's a job for an adult."  The version for your situation might be, "That's silly Mum, kids are supposed to look at their own things."

It's really hard for young kids to manage their parent's unrealistic expectations of them.  Maybe it helps if the non-disordered parent reminds the kids, over and over again, what "normal" expectations are.

Wau, thankful person, great job, I am so happy to read this! 

Thank you all for your continued advice and support. I wanted to give an update: I collected D4 and D6 from school yesterday and they both had Christmas cards from friends in their school bags. D4 excitedly got out her Christmas card and opened it. D6 said, “I’m not going to open mine because Mummy will be angry.” I said, “Well I think that’s a bit silly.That’s your bag and your Christmas cards, you should be allowed to open them.” D6 opened her cards. When dbpdw got home, i braced myself for her reaction as the girls excitedly showed her their Christmas cards. She reacted positively on this occasion. I will continue to support my kids to not walk on eggshells around their mother.