It might help to know the circumstances.  are you going to have to continue cohabitating with him during the divorce process?

Do you think he might get violent?  Knowing it's ending, could he escalate conflict out of a desperate desire to change the outcome?  

He's probably going to treat anything you say as an "opportunity" for him to rewrite the script and get you to do what he wants, so the best option is not to play the game with him at all.  Simply refuse to talk about it.  

In my case, I didn't respond to anything she asked.  For one thing, we were now, or shortly would be, in an adversarial proceeding in court.  Anything I said could and would be used against me! For another thing... why?  This person was never honest or up front with me, and was extremely manipulative & nasty to me throughout our marriage.  Why did I owe her ANYTHING?  And why did I think anything I said would help?  She would badmouth me regardless of whether I gave her an answer or treated her fairly.  

I think if you're not in the same room with them, you can just ignore them.

You could also just say something like "It's over.  I'm not talking about it.  Nothing we say is going to change how this ends."  Maybe you could offer something like "After it's finalized, if I feel like talking about it, maybe then."

Keep the proverbial door shut.  Don't give in to weaselly attempts to get something out of you... once you start talking, they'll start gaslighting, and the cycle starts again.  

While canned responses can be helpful (repeat ad nauseam infinitum), the DV aspect is worth discussing with your lawyer. Depending on what has happened before, you might want to file for a protection order at the same time the divorce is filed, then thereafter communicate only through your lawyers.

no nothing new happened, but the more time passes the more the betrayal and disrespect sinks int me. I loved her so much and one of the main reasons for that was the loyalty she showed me throughout the relationship. I felt complete safe with her. now I dont. there are many qualities in her I still adore, however, its like there is this huge stain on the relationship, one thats making me feel like im losing my own self respect. god knows how she feels subconsciously about my weakness.

while I still love her, care about her and want to be there for her. she is no longer who I thought she was. she doesn't feel "mine" anymore. during our relationship she was fiercely loyal. I felt like the only guy on the world. now I dont.

Hey Steve, thanks for replying.  The "pros" are promising, especially if you didn't see some of those traits before.  The "cons" are also tough though and each of them ultimately come back to trust...can you trust this woman to not repeat the past?

Nobody here can tell you to stay or go.  Nobody can tell you what's fair or unfair.  You have to trust your gut and make the best possible decision for your life.

Did something specific happen that made you consider breaking up again?  Like the ex-boss she said she blocked?  I just want to be sure everyone is seeing the full picture.

when talking to these guys, all of them, I did seem to be a huge topic of conversation, whether bad or good, so this does prove I was in her mind the whole time

fixed typo

I can understand what you mean about the therapy, I will need to give some leeway on this one.

my mind is starting to change a little and and im considering walking away. here are the pros and cons -

cons

she abandoned me.
she strung me along saying we were just on a break while talking to other guys.
she ghosted me.
she talked to multiple men during this time sending them explicit videos also.
she mocked me to them and allowed them to disrespect me, joking along also.
she lied to them about things I did that was not true.
she was still talking to one of them even when we got back together. however in fairness it was to say she couldn't talk to him anymore and told him we were back together. however the still belittled me to him saying that she chose the most financially crippling place for me to take her to as a joke.
she allowed one guy to use our secret pet names.
she even suggested she should send one of their convos to me so I would kill myself.
she told me a story when we got back together about the main guy I was worried about before we split (her boss) that he tried to convince her to do porn after he fired her so she blocked him, however when I saw the phone he was not blocked.
on one part of a conversation she said that her bpd had chose another favourite person and she no longer cares about me

the pros

she is all over me now, constant messaging and calls
she got a tattoo of my name in an intimate area
she says she has learned her lesson
she is making the most effort financial and time wise to visit me, putting in the greater amount of effort
she does seem to be remorseful and that she loves me
she has said she won't hide her phone and I can look if I ever need reassurance
she is allowing me to ask questions when needed.
she is ready to attend therapy
when talking to these guys, all of them, I did see to be a huge topic of conversation, whether bad or good, so this does prove I was in her mind the whole time

im in a strange frame of mind, I do love her deeply and I know that her actions were most likely caused by her bpd but I feel like ive lost a huge chunk of my self respect and im disappointed in myself. but I cant seem to let go.

mamajo, I can relate in so many ways! I, too, am a nurse and recently divorced. My son is almost 21 and dealing with him and his endless emotional support needs is burning me out. I am mentally and physically exhausted all the time, and though his father is still part of his life, my son doesn't turn to him for anything because he just yells at him and tells him to suck it up and grow up. I feel for you, and want you to know that you are absolutely not alone! I will say that I think I'm luckier than most in that my son has been diagnosed fairly young and has accepted that he is a borderline, and does recognize that this is a major reason that he can't keep friends, jobs, etc. I think finding the right counselor- one that specializes in working with borderline patients- has made a huge difference for us! I found her by looking through all the bios on Psychology Today of counselors in my area. My son had to do the reaching out, so it took a while for it all to come together - but for the first time in years, I have hope! I also have a wonderful counselor of my own, which also helps so much. I hope you will find all good resources for yourself and your son, and will find ways to take care of your own needs, because having a BPD child has got to be one of the hardest things in the world! Add to that a stressful career like nursing, and it can feel like it is just too much for one person to be able to shoulder for sure. Just know that you are not alone, and that when it feels like nobody in the world can understand what you are going through, come here and talk to me or anyone else and we will help get you through. Sending you tons of strength, hope and loving energy for peace and healing

I’ve been quietly preparing to file for divorce, keeping it hidden from udxBPDH due to DV concerns.

I’m having trouble mentally preparing for the deluge of controlling questions that he’s going to ask about how long I’ve been planning this, what I plan to do in the future, why I’m doing it, what exactly every person in my life does and doesn’t know, etc. I know I’ll struggle switching from my default model of always telling the truth and overexplaining everything to only sharing what he needs to know.

Also, when he feels attacked he gets very controlling and my trauma response is to totally give in and do/say whatever he wants. I expect he’ll try to drain every morsel of info from me so he can turn it around to control me.

For anyone who’s gone through it, did you have canned responses to controlling questions?

Hi Distressed,

I think I get where you're coming from, because relationships can be intense for any young adult, but with BPD, relationships can seem even more intense and fraught.  Some pwBPD fear being alone, and they generally crave attention, affirmation and tons of reassurance, and an intense romantic relationship could help provide all those things, at least at first.  Sometimes pwBPD lack a clear sense of self, so being a girlfriend/lover/fiancee might help solidify a sense of identity, belonging and completeness.  An economic reality might be that becoming a live-in romantic partner is cheaper than living alone.  If your adult child was living with you but fighting with you all the time while underemployed, moving into the apartment of a romantic partner, potentially rent-free, could become an irresistible refuge.

Having said all that, the young adult pwBPD in my life seems to have a hard time maintaining close relationships, both platonic and romantic.  On the one hand, I think her expectations are unrealistic, because she can be extremely demanding of other people.  I think that she expects all her friendships to be "intense" ones, perhaps because she's trying to recreate a mother-daughter type bond that she thinks she lacked as a child?  She doesn't really understand that there are different categories of friendship (acquaintances, situational friends, casual friends, lifelong friends, casual dates, romantic partners, etc.) which have different dynamics.  For her, friends seem to be all-or-nothing, and thus she's setting herself up to be disappointed.  She'll feel slighted, aggrieved and excluded if the friend doesn't deliver perfect performance.  Then she'll lash out in anger, or she'll retreat in avoidance/ghosting, or both.  She accuses many former friends of "bullying" and "traumatizing" her.  Former "besties" have become enemies and disappeared from her life forever.

Perhaps strangely, she doesn't seem to have many serious romantic relationships, let alone go on dates very often, maybe because her negativity means that she doesn't like anyone to begin with.  She'll often say that she doesn't find anyone attractive.  Meanwhile, she's desperate to leave her state and move to another one, where she thinks the men and the dating scene will be more attractive(?!?).  Moreover, I think she expects suitors to come to her, without putting in the work of getting out, acting friendly and socializing.  Her BPD means she's passive, petulant, low-energy, pessimistic and a bit narcissistic, meaning she expects to get the attention, but not give much.  With that attitude, how does she expect to attract and keep a romantic partner?  I know that she desperately craves a romantic relationship, but perhaps it's a fantasy type of relationship, akin to a Prince Charming appearing at her doorstep with glass Jimmy Choos.  Her very thinking tends to be "magical" sometimes, striving for some sort of Kardashian lifestyle which is unattainable.

I know I'm rambling, but my point is that we can't control how our loved ones with BPD think and feel.  They are adults, and they'll have to try out relationships, even bad ones, to figure out who they are and what sort of partner they can attract (and keep).  That probably doesn't prevent you from worrying--parents are wired to worry about their kids!  I guess that the most you can hope for is that by being a good role model, your kid will have learned by osmosis what a loving relationship looks like, especially a loving relationship with yourself!  That means you should continue to take exquisite care of yourself, your environment and your loved ones, and have some fun too, so that your kid sees what a healthy adult's life looks like.  I think that increases the chances that they'll aspire to the sort of life that you have created, and that they'll listen to your reassurances and well-meaning advice about how to achieve that sort of life, when they're ready to hear it.  At the end of the day, you want what's best for your kid, and they'll realize that.  Eventually, hopefully.

My other point is that if your loved one isn't getting treatment for BPD and taking it seriously, in all likelihood the relationship won't last very long, because of her neediness/demandingness, deep anxieties and emotional volatility.  After the (almost inevitable) breakup, if your kid is talking to you and isn't all riled up, maybe you can provide some much-needed reassurance and guidance.  If your kid is taking a break from talking with you, perhaps out of embarrassment from another failed relationship, then that's a sign that they're coping and surviving on their own, despite the distress, and that I think is something to be proud of.  If your kid learns some resilience after a failed relationship, that's a very important life lesson, especially for someone with BPD.

Just my two cents.

I just saw this and hope you're safe and not been attacked again. The moment to have this pwBPD arrested is gone, but you can report what they did to the police. You can show a pattern of violence should it happen again.

 If it happens again, get out of the house quickly and call 911. I'm not sure what AMR means. Is it least LGBTQ+ friendly? Don't mention they're your SO then. Say you're being physically attacked by a friend/roommate.

I've been in this situation with a BPD ex-husband (I'm straight) and am in a liberal state. He was arrested for this after I called 911.

Here's an organization of attorneys who help domestic violence victims for free or a very low cost based on income. They have a lawyer in every state who's familiar with the laws covering this.
https://www.womenslaw.org/

I sincerely hope you have gtfo.