A bit more context:

Two years ago she went to her mother's place under the same circumstances. Though back then I didn't want a separation. She was supposed to come back after the weekend, but she didn't return and then entered a downward spiral. Two months later, she was suicidal and had an extreme level of anxiety never seen before. She wouldn't get out of her room and wouldn't allow me to see her, so I had to use sleep masks to get closer. Her parents had put her on a psychiatrist, who prescribed an SSRI antidepressant, and a family psychologist. I knew it would not work, though, because the reason for that was the food.

She has an issue with gluten that affects her mood, so we don't have gluten-containing foods. It's a severe non-celiac gluten sensitivity, which shows up from symptoms but hardly shows up in blood exams. Unfortunately, her food compulsions and her "I don't like to be controlled" type of attitude didn't allow her to accept this fact, so every time she was mad and got some money, she would consume gluten again. And she would tell her family that she didn't have any problem. So there they did not stop cooking with gluten-containing ingredients and buying bread.

It was tough to bring her back because her specific phobia (this is an anxiety disorder) had worsened to an extreme level. So she thought her condition would make it impossible for me to have her here. Because of that, she went back and forth a couple of times. But I finally reassured her enough and brought her back for good. I used a sleep mask for almost one month, including during my sleep. I was cooking for her and treating her as a disabled person. Then I rented a wheelchair, a few months later bought an electric scooter, and today she walks on crutches. This is all because of a traumatic experience she had with sexual assault many months before meeting me, but her extreme anxiety made her specific phobia way worse. Last year, EMDR helped a bit, but it was not intensive because she was pregnant, so now it should be more intensive and therefore more helpful for her.

Over the last few weeks, she consumed filled cookies twice and got a severe headache, and the last time also reported an intense desire to kill herself the next day after eating the cookies. I'm hoping that she will finally accept her food sensitivity, so before she leaves I'll do another final test with a plate of regular macaroni. But this time I'll videotape it, because she forgot about the last test that we did almost two years ago. I need her to be fully aware of it for her own safety.

So the plan is for her to leave while being invited to come back sometimes for a couple of days in case she has conflict with her mother. I'm guessing her mother will get super attached to having her grandchildren nearby, so she will make her best effort to avoid my wife getting frustrated and leaving.

Over one year ago, as things became unbearable for me for the first time, I asked my wife to leave our home. Over time, I have asked it again many other times, unsuccessfully. But now it's working.

My mistake was that I only expressed myself during moments of conflict or shortly after but didn't say it anymore after our "repair moments." So she didn't take me seriously. But now I decided I would not allow us to do any reattachment until this conversation was final. And it worked. After many attempts, I got her to position herself. So we have made an agreement. She said that she will leave in two weeks.

The key moment of our conversation was when I reasoned with her about the expenses. Her main argument was to call me selfish. She said I wanted all of the comfort for myself, while she would have to move into a much smaller apartment with her mother. She says she doesn't trust her sister, and her mother is controlling, and she doesn't want to get the "My house, my rules" type of response from her mom. Also, she pointed out that her mother had very limited financial resources, while my wife isn't working and would take two kids to that place.

I said that we only have two options. Either she leaves or I leave. But it only makes sense for me to leave if she gets the money to pay for the rent plus monthly bills. We live in a graceful condominium that is very much like a club on a farm, and kids love it. Also, I pay way less than market price for this rent because I made a good deal. So I don't want to move elsewhere, unless she stays here with the kids, but then she would have to pay for the rent and the 6-month deposit.

Allowing her to stay, even though she doesn't have the money, was the key part of our conversation that made her feel validated and agree to leave. But she is afraid of having conflicts with her mother and having to confront a "this is my house, so those are my rules" type of response. I understand it somehow because her mother communicates in a very crude way and becomes toxic when she drinks. But her mother is not always at home. She works 3-by-3 (3 days working and 3 days resting).

After giving it a quick thought, I said to my wife that she could come back during the days that her mother is there, in case they have conflicts. She said, "Oh no, you'll not allow that; you'll just bring another woman to this bed." My spontaneous response was to laugh loudly and then say, "No, I'll not do this; I will protect you because I love you." She then got her eyes shining with emotion.

Because of what she said, I couldn't hold myself from imagining another woman in my bed, nude. So I thought to myself, "Not that another woman in this bed isn't a bad idea, because I haven't had sex in a while." Fortunately, I didn't share my intrusive thoughts with her. But in reality the best candidate woman is my own wife. She is super gorgeous. How can I find another 6-inch girl that's as pretty, effective, and funny as her?

My goal is to find the peace I need to get my life going. I'll have to pay alimony, but with peace I should be able to improve my well-being and then make much more money. I know that I can increase my monthly wage threefold while still taking care of kids in shared custody, because I have done this before. And with the AI takeover threat, it's time to make savings.

At the same time, I'd like her to do DBT and get better to the point that she can return one day. I'm reading all of the success stories on this board, and I truly wish that I'll be able to write mine in the future. I am aware that recovery is not something we can bet on, but I've got faith. And regardless of our status, I want her to get better.

I'm not sure if she will hold her word and leave or if something else will get in the way. But I'm taking it seriously, and I won't give up. Tomorrow we'll talk to her mother about it.

My expectation is that we'll maintain a healthier relationship without living together and that we will still see each other, but now in a way that I can reinforce my boundaries. On the other hand, I'm aware that it may just not work out, but I'm fine with letting go, if needed.

Does it sound like a viable plan?

Is a good thing that everyone was ok.  In my case, I couldn't keep any avenues open for any communication with her.  I developed my own methods of communication with the grown children that in case a method was leaked to her, I could shut that avenue down.  Fortunately, the kids had went ghost on her as well. 

You *think* they are doing better and seem happy. You do realise that a lot of it is just an illusion. Whether it is your brain thinking this, or them projecting it via social media or whatever, doesn’t mean it’s the case.

I completely get where you are coming from. I would think exactly that, maybe they are a completely different person now, maybe they are happy. But I doubt it. In fact I saw my ex yesterday for the first time in maybe a month. She came round to take our dogs out and I wasn’t at work so was at home when she came to get them. We had a bit of a chat and what struck me, and this had nothing to do with me or anything that was triggering her, was just how angry and unhappy she sounded within herself.

I saw her sister yesterday evening. We all live in the same little village, all within a mile radius of each other. Me and my youngest son that lives with me, my wife (my ex) and her boyfriend, my eldest son that lives at his own place two doors away from my sister in law (wife’s sister) Her sister told me that she hardly visits any more, doesn’t go round to see our son, and doesn’t visit her parents in the next village. She portrays being happy, but she doesn’t sound it, and the fact she doesn’t visit her family much suggests either of two things imo, that her new relationship is toxic and she is being controlled (her bf is quite narcissistic) and I believe they are still on drugs which is another sign of avoidance. Either way that’s not a happy existence, so don’t go believing the projection, or the thoughts that come into your head as being the truth because it more than likely is not.

And you’ve got to let her opinion of you go too. We all know they blame shift and gaslight to suit their own narrative. You’ve said yourself she is the only person that has made you feel this way, or said the things she has to you. And you also know she has a mental illness. I was often told I was this or that, and would wonder where it came from when everyone else I knew thought the complete opposite. I was made to feel worthless, that I was the problem but I have chosen to take the opinion of all the healthy people in my life as fact and not the opinion of someone that is mentally disordered, because her behaviour was appalling and her way of making her feel less guilty is by twisting reality and re writing history.

Oh I understand totally about never looking back.  I remember those conversations.  "If you get married again, I'll come back to haunt you" and other word salad.  You know what I find really scary sometimes?  How BPD's all run off the same script, same behaviors.  It's nuts.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.  What I have realized is that I'm a far far stronger person than I ever realized.  I also realized that my "spidey sense" is really hyper developed.  Haven't had cause for it to go off in private life, at work though, it's saved my bacon a lot.  Which does add to the light at the end of the tunnel you know?

@campbembpd ,

If you believe in orthomolecular medicine and you want a cure for alcoholism, please check THIS other post of mine.

This is the best advice I can give you, even if she turns out to be your ex, because a BPD ex becomes much harder to deal with if she is alcoholic.

When she asked you about calling the police and you said you wouldn't, I think this is very alarming. In the midst of a crisis, I understand that you can't just say something like "Yes, I will call." But you can say something like, "You know that anyone can call the police, so please help me to prevent you from getting handcuffs, because I don't want that."

And when things are calm, you should try to talk to her about this risk again, more deeply if possible. Being aware of the consequences is not a bad thing; it is good. It's just hard to communicate, but it's more about the feelings you bring into the conversation, so try it when both of you are feeling good.

Moreover, I don't think you should bring her to any event in which alcohol is available. Or you should advise that you're ready to leave as soon as she starts drinking. If she hadn't assumed the compromise of not drinking, then you should refuse to go. This can be an effective boundary if properly communicated.

So many of us are living similar lives. I can often tell how the rest of the day will go with in moments of pwBPD comeing through the door. If they had a hard day they will amke sure i have a hard day. It dosen't matter that I have no control over whatsoever their work day. In some way i will suffer for it.

Hi @tXres200, and welcome to the BPD Family!

Here it has been similar. My wife would get stressed with our 2-year-old, and then in whatever interaction I had to have with her, it would end in her shouting at me. Once she was screaming a lot in the living room with our boy, and then from the other side of our home where I was working, I asked for some silence, and she immediately shouted back, cursing badly at me. From there, she began a huge outburst all by herself.

It's important for both of you to understand where this comes from. For instance, today I had a conversation with my wife where I could find out why she is allergic to criticism. Her narcissistic father was always trying to correct her in a meticulous way while always being rude and methodical. As an emotional being with ADHD, she wasn't able to fulfill his expectations; therefore, she got overly criticized (the invalidation environment) and felt like she was an all-wrong person all of the time.

It was important for us to have this conversation so that she understands that it's not just my fault, that she is overly sensitive and overly reactive. Usually she says that everyone else would react the same way as her if they were dealing with me, but I think the conversation we had today may make her gradually move into a different perception. All I have to do is to remind her, in calm moments, of her past feelings of "being an all-wrong person." That should stimulate her brain's ACC region.

- Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC): Essential for monitoring performance, detecting errors, and managing emotional regulation and attention. It helps signal when a behavior is inappropriate and needs to be stopped


You should not expect that from this kind of professional and this kind of treatment. If you really want a marital counselor, make sure they are experienced with BPD. But I still would not recommend you to take this path and instead use individual therapy for each one. Even because only an individual therapist will be able to help you with your current distress, and from what you posted I can tell it is huge and you can't handle any more.

You can read a broader ongoing discussion on marital counseling HERE.

Welcome, sorry you're here under these circumstances, but believe me when I say we all know these situations. Every issue or problem somehow becomes your burden to solve and you are now the 'cause' of the issue. In your situation it's like an adult child arguing with an actual child...then you get pulled in. And sadly, she probably doesn't even know what it looks like for you to emotionally connect with her. Like their emotions, what they want also changes moment to moment.

That anxiety and fear will kill you, literally. Stress this intense is not good for anyone. And yeah, I too agreed with my ex to not have novel length text arguments about how I'm 'not showing up' properly. And like yours, that never stops...for more than a few days. Do you know why your counselor can't see these traits? Good for looking into other counselors, not to prove you right, but to make some progress on your happiness and peace.

Every episode of disregulation of my partner turns into her slinging anger and disdain at me. Doesn’t matter who she is actually mad at. This time it was a conflict with our five year old who was acting out. Her emotional reaction escalated his. Then she took her anger out on me because I wasn’t “trying to emotionally connect with  to her”.
I am at the end of my rope. I don’t even want to go home or be around her in the days following these conflicts. I spiral into a bout of fear and anxiety. I feel the anxiety creep up each time she texts me about our relationship. We agreed not to text about emotions and she continues to violate that boundary.
Our last marital counselor refused to acknowledge her BPD characteristics. I am looking for a new one. I hate this. I deserve to be happy.