Hi @MaxUmbra , and welcome.

Usually the pwBPD will struggle to know what they really need and then complain about something else instead. They might also not want to share their conscious thoughts due to shame. So maybe you'll have to learn by trial and error rather than by asking him.

Just being understanding and patient may not work well because what they say is not the core issue, and they may spiral out of control by themselves within their own cycles of rumination. Trying to solve the superficial problem that they report using logic doesn't work either. To say something useful, you would have to understand the core issue beneath it, which could be, for instance, their unstable sense of self, or feelings of unworthiness, or shame, etc.

And they may not know how to name it. My wife is learning now that she struggles with a lot of identity disturbance, but when she is affected by that it's hard for her to figure that out.

Can you give me any advice on how you navigate missing his 16 year old son?

As I said we blended our family’s and we became such a tight unit and I grew very fond of his son. When his father left to go to this friend that he is now in a relationship with, he left his son with me. He was telling me he was coming home as I’ve said and just needed to get well. Once I found out about the affair which he continued to deny- I told him that he needs to come and get his son. When his son had to go I was devastated and inconsolable. I broke down, I felt like the rug was being pulled from under me. Our beautiful blended family was no more.

I miss his son so much and he told me he didn’t want to go but he knew that he had to. We said that we would keep in touch which we have to a degree. However it is incredibly awkward for him as he is now living with his dad and this woman with her kids in her house. I want to support him and reach out more but I have held back as I know that I have to maintain a healthy boundary now that me and his dad aren’t together anymore.

Also I found out that this new relationship has had some issues regarding her children seeing things and the friends ex partner has expressed concerns about the relationship as his children have reached out to him about things they have seen that are concerning that may pertain to self harm. I feel that a relationship that has started so quickly with someone in acute mental health crisis, who is drinking and agoraphobic and has undiagnosed BPD is not a recipe for a sustainable healthy relationship.

I feel like he has chosen to be with her because coming back to me would require work, accountability, taking action to address MH and alcoholism. It would require him to confront the shame and the guilt around his actions. Instead it is like he has just decided on the easier option. What do people think about that?

Also does anyone think that he will reach out? It’s like I’m invisible. It really is a bitter pill to swallow. I know it’s an illness but I don’t see how you can just stop loving someone, just like that.

He has been really horrible to his family as well and blocked some of them. He really is playing the victim and trying to restore his reputation. He doesn’t want to be seen as this guy who has ran off from his partner and children due to a breakdown and had an affair. Why not have just been honest about it? But he was caught out because I discovered that he had been cheating. Now rather then telling  me the truth he continued to lie about it and to his son, and siblings. Why did he do this? Now it seems he’s just doubled down. I tried to tell him that I don’t care about what’s happened and would be willing to try again. I know I should know better.

I think you have found a safe place and people here can relate. My mother had BPD and also wasn't affectionate. I also felt a low self worth. When a child grows up with dysfunction- it's the only "normal" we know but then when we are parents- we realize that our own experience wasn't- and we want better for our own children.

When our own behaviors are how we adapted growing up- we can work on learning new ones. For me, counseling helped me to do that. It may not make sense- if your mother is the one with the disorder- why counseling for you? To help us to change what we learned. You are not what your mother has said about you and counseling can help to "undo" that message.

To your son, you are a superhero and to you, he's the most precious thing on earth. He didn't have to "earn" this, neither did you- each person has self worth. What your mother says to you is a projection of her own disordered thinking- a reflection of her own mind, but it's not true. She didn't have the capacity to parent in a different way but you do- and you can do this.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can only imagine how hard it's been.  My mom was never diagnosed, but she was the angriest and the most loving person I've ever known.  So I can relate...I also have a BPD daughter and a BPD ex wife.

To start things off, just know that your mom doesn't have to define you and you don't have to have a relationship with her if it's one-sided.  You are responsible for you and it's okay not to be pulled into your mom's drama.  She's sick and she's sometimes out of control, so know that it's not a "you-thing" at all for her.  She's ugly at times because she's mentally ill.

Please feel free to ask questions, share stories, or whatever you need to process this.  We're here to support you regardless.

I'm sorry it's headed that way, but your healing and sobriety is so much more important right now.  You're making a clear-headed decision that's in your own best interests.

BPDs are constantly seeking happiness, and they find it for shot bursts of time.  They do what's called "love bombing", which means they see everything as PERFECT...your clothes, you hobbies, your tastes in food and music...they're absolutely PERFECT in every way.

As the relationship grows though, they start to realize....hey, this person isn't perfect at all!  And instead of realizing that they were thinking in a disordered way when they met you, their brains assume that you've changed and you're just not that great of a person after all.  So they flee at the first sign of something better, and that new thing is absolutely PERFECT...until it's not anymore.

He's met this new girl, or old friend, whatever.  And the relationship is going strong for now because of how his mind works.  He sees Cinderella and the castle and the whole fairy tale unfolding right in front of him.  But it's a lie, it's always a lie because none of us can live up to that standard.  So the new relationship will fail as well.

What happens next?  One of two things.  He finds someone new, or he repeats old patterns.  And if he reaches out, he will apologize profusely because everything about you is so PERFECT for his life and makes him feel whole.

Can you see the problem here though?  It's a very predictable pattern where the relationship starts with disordered thinking and ends with it as well.

The other issue is that once you've been through the whole cycle once already, things happen ever faster.  You're the best ever, you've changed, you hate me and I don't know why!  The next rounds are sometimes months instead of years and the behavior is even more erratic.

Now, you can somewhat change those patterns by being ultra patient, showing ample affection and affirmation, etc.  These relationships do sometimes work long-term, but the percentages are very, very low.  And even when they do succeed, there's a price to pay in order to keep the peace.

I can't tell you to give him another shot or not.  But I will say that if you do, the odds are stacked against success without him getting into therapy a taking his mental health seriously.  The same patterns will repeat and it has almost nothing to do with you as a person or a partner.

Again, the final answer you'll discover someday is that he's sick and he can't help this.  It's not your fault and it's not his.  Your job right now is to heal and love your kids...that's all you can do.

Hi again Til3005,

No my udd has never tried therapy or medication. I think her strong  Npd traits  prevents her any form of self reflection on any level. I know that she has expressed that she has anxiety, but says that it is because we (her family)cause her anxiety because we have all treated her badly. I think my udd knows how her words affected others and uses them purposely to hurt and wont listen or show any empathy how her behaviour affects others. Its all about power and control. The closest it ever came to someone challenging her behaviour about the previous lack of access to my gc udd got so angry that she up and left. 

I could never express any point of view without being spoken over or ridiculed in some way. She would mimic my voice, roll her eyes, sigh heavily or just walk away. For years I just thought of my udd being a late developer emotonally and hoped and gave it time that she would grow out of her behaviours but the end of our r/s came when she physically attacked me. After that there was no going back. I knew there was never going to be an apology or even if there was it wouldnt be sincere. I still continued to look after my gc for  but had no interaction with udd and I knew that my time was up when the new b/f moved in and anymore, but by that time I was just over the feeling of being used anyway.

I honestly dont feel that Iam missing out on anything not having a r/s with my udd. My own needs were never met or even taken into consideration.

It takes a while to unravel and it is natural to feel grief for a while but I have found that even though I wish I had never gone through this experience it has made me a stronger person and I can recognise the    and save myself time any potential further emotional harm.

Thanks Siperdaddy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did blame me, even though he has admitted that he was in the wrong, along with how horrible he has been to me, but I believe that the route of it all his current actions is control. Ultimately, I have the life that he wants, I live in our house with our children and for the most part, the kids and I are happy and.succeeding even when he is not here. Tonight I realized that he cares more about making me mad/things harder on me than he actually cares about the kids. The week before Christmas, it was almost 8 pm as we were leaving our 5D’s sports class. My H was in a mood and our 5D asked him to sleep over. He told her he had to do some errands the. Invited her to do the errands then said he would. Our 5D has been struggling lately and we both agreed, when he was in a good mood, that we needed to prioritize her sleep. So I asked that he bring her home relatively soon, also mentioning that she hadn’t taken a nap that day. Well he freaked out at me screaming in the parking lot. I just got in the car and the kids all started crying and ran to the car as well, my 5D refused to even talk to him. At that moment he closes the car door as he tells our 5D tell your mom to figure out how to get you home from school tomorrow cause I’m not doing it. Luckily, I know how he is and always plan back up when he is supposed to pick up the kids. But…he chose to hurt me over going to his 5D’s Christmas party and then getting to hangout with he for the day. If you really cared about your kids, wouldn’t you want to be with your D…I would!  Transition to today. I get home from work and he is still at the house. I had text him earlier something about a plan for the kids but got. no response. I mentioned to him if he got the text and if he wanted to go with us. He started to go off on me, so I walked away. I had planned to take the kids to the rec center when I got home but my H tells the kids to get ready to go, without even passing it by me. The kids say bye and go with him. I get a text from him that he is bringing the kids to his place and will bring them home between 9 and 10 pm!  They are 5 and 7!  They go to bed with me at 8:30 pm and he knows it. I was up at 4 am for work this morning. I respond saying that’s fine but can you please bring them home earlier like between 8 and 9. He responds 9-10. It’s 9:30 pm and he still isn’t here with them!  This is relation for that night. He has once again chosen to make me upset over doing what’s right for the kids. These kids did not take a nap today and should be fast asleep already, but he just wants to make me mad and “prove it’s ok if they stay up”. And all I can do is document this and mention it when he transitions back

Also, you might want to read this:
www.doctoryourself.com/alcohol_protocol.html

My father was an alcoholic, so I can tell it works incredibly fast.

And there is the full book title if you like:
The Vitamin Cure for Alcoholism: Orthomolecular Treatment of Addictions

But first, you need to be safe!

Hi AliceAla. Welcome to the forum.

You said that he drinks because he's alone and feeling unwell. Are you sure it's just that?

Has it already crossed your mind that he might be unsure if you are really working and might think that you could be cheating on him instead? In such a case, your lack of interest in sex could fuel his paranoid thoughts. It may not make sense for you, but that's how men function after they cheat. They get home without any disposition for sex.

Also, your last sentence seems alarming. Did you just say that his behavior frightens you and that causes you insomnia for 3-4 days?

In any case, have you considered couples therapy? That may not work well if he really has BPD but it might be a start, before he does his own treatment.