I'll try to give some possible explanations drawing from what I know about BPD, the ideas in the book "Controlling People", and the example I have with my BPD mother. This isn't to blame anyone but to examine some reasons and dynamics.

People with BPD tend to perceive themselves as victims. PwBPD have difficulty with uncomfortable emotions, and one of the hardest ones for them is shame. In victim perspective, victims aren't accountable. Issues are someone else's fault. This avoids shame. The example of your ex berating himself for not sending flowers- in a way, victimizing himself- being so hurt- was his way of absolving himself. Surely you would have compassion for him, rather than for him feeling he should have taken action.

The passivity in not taking initiative at realizing the moving in is temporary. He's dependent on you in terms of his living situation. He doesn't want to leave. By making you ask him to leave, you are the "bad guy" here and he would be victim, rather than to feel shame about depending on you.

One could also see these behaviors as somewhat manipulative.

One reason for people being controlling is that it helps handle anxiety. My BPD mother had very disabling anxiety and one way she managed that was to be controlling. She also was dependent in ways but to avoid feeling shame about that, she'd order people around. If everyone was predictable and under her control, she felt less anxious. However, to most people, this wasn't tolerable.

If people didn't do what she wanted, she'd react with angry rages. That we were fearful of upsetting her gave her control. So she learned that this was a way to control people with her anger, or, also her being very nice at times. She was manipulative but this wasn't about an evil or abusive motive, it was driven by her anxiety and her BPD. Still, the effect was the same- scary rages, verbal abuse. It was abusive- whatever her reasons or motives were. These relationships also can include a person being nice too. It's not all one way.

In these relationship dynamics, both people are controlling in their own way. When we are afraid of speaking up, or if we are walking on eggshells, in order to avoid the other person reacting- we are also controlling their emotions and reactions. This forms a double reinforcing situation. The pwBPD learns that their anger meets their needs in a way and the person who is enabling or walking on eggshells learns that this helps them avoid the pwBPD's reactions.

The book "Controlling People" does not specifically address BPD but it gives a model for the dynamic. The controlling person- whether emotionally wounded in childhood or disordered, turns to an imaginary emotional support  which the author calls a "Teddy" like a Teddy bear is to a child, or possibly a real Teddy or toy during childhood. They attribute characterstics to the Teddy- Teddy does what they say, Teddy is there to soothe them. One could compare this to the idealization phase in a relationship with a pwBPD. Initually, to the pwBPD- this is the ideal person to solve their feelings, always loving, always attentive, always agreeing.

However, humans aren't Teddy's. Eventually a human has needs, or speaks up, or may say something the person doesn't like, or makes a mistake. At this point, the controlling person relives their wound, the Teddy has failed them. Bad Teddy- and the rage and anger comes out. Teddy must behave and get back into being Teddy.

This is not about blame, it's about identifying hurtful behavior, for our own selves. Your ex sounds like he has some emotional hurts, prior to meeting you. We can't repair these for anyone. They'd have to go through their own therapy to do so if they were willing. I think what is most helpful to you in identifying these behaviors is to not get into another similar relationship and be able to seek out people who will treat you decently.

OK, I have a few observations here.

First, the issue isn't really about flowers, though the flowers could be a symbol, a trigger.  I think an issue could be that you aren't meeting your man's expectations, perhaps with gratitude, attention, physical affection or stroking his ego.  With BPD, expectations tend to be majorly unrealistic, and thus he's constantly set up for disappointment, and when he's disappointed, he spirals.

I'm reminded of a scene from the movie, The Breakup.  A woman is getting ready to host a fancy dinner with her family, and all she asked was for her boyfriend to bring home a dozen lemons for a centerpiece.  He brought her lemons, but only a few (not enough for a centerpiece), and he proceeded to sit on the couch to unwind after work.  He thought she was upset over some stupid lemons, and that she was nitpicking.  Perhaps she was nitpicking (she could had made a centerpiece out of the lemons and some other fruit), but what she was really upset about was the general lack of support from her boyfriend, while the boyfriend thought he was being supportive by working all day and attending the dinner with his girlfriend's weird family.  My point is, the argument wasn't merely about lemons, it was about feeling unsupported by the romantic partner.  The thing is though, perhaps unlike someone with BPD, the girlfriend didn't have a total meltdown, but she went ahead and hosted the family dinner.  With BPD, I would imagine a total meltdown, maybe breaking some dishes, out-of-control shouting, storming off, maybe making a threat of suicide, and ruining the dinner completely.

And now the issue of moving in with you.  I think that with BPD, any promises made are probably made with the right intentions, but they are based mostly on the feelings of the moment.  Maybe it's easy to make promises when everything seems hunky-dory right now.  But I think that pwBPD can confuse intentions with the realities of execution.  They tend to discount future efforts, while placing most of the focus on immediate gratification.  So moving in with you might seem like a great idea:  closeness, avoiding being alone, you're the one paying the rent, you solve his immediate housing problem.  He "discounts" the reality that he'll have to work to earn income, find a place for himself, fend for himself and do the heavy lifting of actually moving out.  Since the stress of all that is probably overwhelming to him, he copes by avoiding it.  He'll put it off as long as possible.  In my experience, pwBPD can carry a huge emotional burden when it comes to executing on mundane, everyday things, like making a plan to check out apartments, sign a lease, apply for jobs or pay some bills.  Their tolerance for distress tends to be very low.  To cope, I think they tend to rely on others to take care of them, while at the same time, they tend to blame others for their problems.  They can concoct a convoluted victim narrative as an excuse for not executing on their plans--and they might deny they ever made any promises in the first place.  Basically it's your fault he's acting the way he is.  Sound familiar?  I think that's typical of BPD.

Okay, I'm following along and see where that would be so difficult.

For mom's part, I think it's natural for moms to want their kids to visit more and it's also normal for them to continue doing laundry or other things like that to ensure the kids return home often.  It's your son's choice though and I also think it's pretty normal for moms to get upset and want to pull back some in the help department.

Now, how your wife reacts around the house may not be "normal mom stuff", so please don't take that the wrong way.  I'm just saying that wanting to pull back support for a kid that's not visiting home enough is pretty standard.

For your part, I do think you need to realize that mom is not okay, she misses her kid.  You obviously know she's not okay, but affirming that to her can go a long way.  "I wish he was here more as well," types of stuff.  Or, "I agree, if he's not coming around as often, you shouldn't do his laundry for him."

Now, maybe mom is not acting sad...you said the word "intense" and that makes me believe it was something else.  But at the root of all that, you also know that the intensity is coming from missing your kid.  So lean into that part and be an actual ally since you probably feel that too.  I know that's not what she's asking for, but it's what she mentally needs and her intensity is coming from not knowing how to handle what she feels.  So you soothe those emotions when they appear.

Why?  Because if she's out of control around the house and you're doing everything you can to avoid her temper tantrums, then she's missing her son and she can't understand why her husband is withdrawing.  Again, she's not saying anything like that, because BPDs are lousy over talking out their feelings in a productive way.  So you have to sort of "bridge the gap" between what she's ranting over and what's actually wrong to help her get her emotions under control.

Should you have told her about the train ticket?  Probably not, at least not before she calmed down some and could have a productive conversation.  If it were me, I would have told your son not to mention it to mom quite yet.  But that's okay.

That's mental illness, plain and simple.  He thought that he was doing good and when suddenly confronted that he missed a few things, it was more than he could handle mentally and it sent him in a spiral.  Everyone here knows that spiral so well because whether the person is screaming at you or crying their eyes out, it feels like it comes out of nowhere.

Was he trying to be controlling or manipulative?  Maybe, maybe not.  It's hard to say without knowing him.

For instance, my wife and I went to a funeral a few weeks ago.  In my current location, family gathers for 7-10 days after death and then comes the burial the day after.  One aunt was laughing and joking one moment, then crying hysterically another moment, then starting an argument over who should do what a few moments later.  At the actual burial, she was screaming in anguish over the loss and everyone was sort of looking at each other- was that real?  Was she faking it?  What the heck was going on?

I realized pretty quickly that the aunt has mental illness and her feelings were just out of control the entire week.  She couldn't handle the loss internally and her emotions were all over the place.  We'd like to make it about us, but it really wasn't.  She was just grieving the best way she knew how and it wasn't how anyone else there was grieving.  And honestly, that's okay.  She did what she had to do in order to get through it.

For your ex, please realize that this wasn't a series of "you problems".  He probably wasn't trying to be abusive or controlling, he just couldn't handle reality in those moments and made things 1,000x worse by his over-reactions. 

If you and I were talking and you reminded me of a few things I forgot to do, I'd say, "Shoot, I'm so sorry.  I had every intention of following through- how can I make it up to you?"  Maybe you'd say something similar to me if it was you who forgot.  But for your ex, that logical, compassionate answer was probably not an option at all because he wasn't thinking about you, he was focused on his own dysfunction.

I hope that helps!

My wife has a very difficult relationship with our youngest son. He just started his professional carrier (internship), so not making a lot of money, and living apart with his girlfriend. He hardly comes home, but his mother stills does his laundry. This leads to a lot of frustration: on the one hand she wants to help him, but only if he behaves as she would like him to behave (come more often to our home). That morning, she complained a lot about this issue, and that she would stop helping him. Some hours later, our son phoned me to ask if I (we?) could help him advance the money for his train season ticket. My wife was then upstairs. I asked him for some more info (about prices according to different periods considered), and he told me he would look it up. Later that day, our oldest son came by, and he told us that his brother inquired about what to do about his train season ticket. He adviced him to go for one year (hard to pay now, but most interesting option considering taxes). When I heard that, I considered the problem solved and kept quiet. In the evening, my wife asked if our youngest 'apped' me that day. And I answered 'no'. I didn't told her that he phoned me instead: I wanted to avoid an emotional discussion about possibly helping him financing his ticket (as that very morning, she stated that she wanted to stop helping him). The next day, our son phoned home, and asked his mother about the conclusion of advancing the money for the train ticket, and that he had that talk with me the previous day. I don't have to specify about her reaction finding out about this.
In normal circumstances, I would have mentioned his phone call and discussed his question with her. But the last two weeks were so intense that, maybe, I'm not able anymore to think straight? Or to do the right thing? And these mistakes/faults/misinterpretations just accumulate, making it all worse....

Come to that, the very first fight we had was similar.

I expressed that I was upset that he hadn't done a couple of things he had promised to do, and he just melted down and melted down and called himself a piece of _____ and got suicidal and called everyone he knew to say he was a bad person (!!) and implied this was my fault and called his former affair partner to triangulate me and ...

We did reconcile, and there was lovingness and honesty between us (I thought). But the upshot was, it was established early on that I simply could not expect that he would actually do things he had promised; in fact, that if I said I was angry or upset that he hadn't done something that was promised, I could expect a completely disproportionate and unhinged reaction.

Is this... control?

NotWendy, I really appreciate your thoughts and I'll come back to them but I just wanted to jot down a couple of memories here.

I guess one thing that made it hard for me to see the nature of control that was happening was that on the surface, and maybe in actuality to an extent as well, it seemed like uBPDx was doing everything to meet my needs and desires and to be an ideal partner for me.

But things kept seeming to come with a... catch.

Take, for instance, flowers. He went through a period when he would buy flowers regularly. I would say something like, "Thanks!" or "These look nice!" and put them in a vase and that would be it. But he would keep bringing it up - for some reason, my reaction wasn't enough. He would talk about what he perceived as a lack of romance between us, and say "I get you flowers but it doesn't seem to do anything".

Something I just remembered is that early on in the relationship, when he was talking about flowers, I mentioned that I'm quite picky with the flowers I like and told him some examples (not as a hint, it just came up in conversation). Over the course of the relationship, I... don't think that was ever incorporated into the flowers that were procured. Which is fine, it's not up to him to cater to my precise flower preferences! But it does seem strange that he would go on about how the reaction I gave wasn't enough, but also didn't listen when I said what I actually wanted.

There was another time he was spiralling and berating himself and calling himself a 'piece of _____' for, among other things, not buying me flowers. I said 'I never asked for flowers!' and he started berating himself even more, saying that even the things he wanted to do for me were useless, he was useless to me, etc etc. There was an implication that his feeling this was was my fault. It felt like I was losing in every direction.

(As I've mentioned before, he also took this occasion to call his former affair partner, with whom he had destroyed his previous relationship, then play her off against me by emphasising how, unlike me, she was 'there for him').

There were other things. He moved in with me, it was supposed to be temporary while he looked for his own place, but he never left. There were money issues, yes, and if he had asked me explicitly I would have been happy to support him - indeed, I think I was, for the most part, happy to support him.

Later, when we moved house together, he asked 'Do you still want to live with me?' And to be fair to him, I said, yes, I do - he did give me agency, and I exercised it. But at the same time... he never actually acknowledged that we had originally explicitly agreed that he would stay with me temporarily for a time, and then he would move out.

So I guess I did ultimately have a choice. But it also became an onus on me to ask him to leave, rather than his responsibility to... stick with the agreement we'd made in the first place. I had freedom of choice, nominally. But it was hard to exercise this, knowing the meltdown that would likely follow.

It was just really hard - in part because we often loved living together, but also, it was pretty clear that any signs of even slight rejection or recalibration from me would be met with a nuclear reaction, and I was conditioned over time to be afraid and avoid that, and to accept a shrinking of my rights and possibilities within the relationship - namely, that I couldn't expect agreements between us to be honoured if this conflicted with his mental health or emotional impulses.

I don't know if this is BPD or not but it's a sign of a troubled kid, and not typical moody teen behavior. By moody teen, I meant, being hypersensitive, mood swings from happy to sad, feeling insecure. Acting out behavior like arguing back.

This is serious acting out behavior. It's having a negative affect on his life and it's causing harm to other people. It's impacting his education, which is necessary for his function as an adult.

I think this warrants intervention. I don't know what your options are but I think it's worth looking into what is going on with him. It might be BPD, it might be some other issue, the dysfunction with his mother, and possibly a combination.

There are some books by author Patricia Evans that you might find interesting. One is called "Controlling People" which describes this situation. I found this one to be helpful in understanding why someone would do this.

Another one is "Verbal Abuse" which helps identify hurtful language. They aren't specific to BPD but there are other situations where this could occur. They are also gendered- the man is the abuser, or controlling person, and the woman is the one being abused but it could be either gender and one can apply it either way.

However you wish to call it, I think it helps to identify hurtful and controlling behavior. I grew up with a BPD mother who was controlling and verbally abusive but it was "normalized" or downplayed. There was no evidence of any abuse that people could see.

As an adult, I found that I tolerated being treated poorly in some situations. It's not only with romantic relationships- and one reason was that I didn't recognize the more subtle forms of this. Overt abuse is obvious- there's physical evidence, but a controlling and verbally cruel relationship can also be hurtful.

This wasn't to accuse someone of abuse. That's a strong term in the legal sense but it still is helpful to be able to identify how people behave and decide on a relationship- in general. I think we tend to consider motive- like if the person is intentionally mean or not- but either way, the emotional effect still feels hurtful. I think it is acceptable to say "this person is not an emotionally safe person to be very close to". I think we attach abuse to some kind of evil but they can also be people who are feeling hurt or are mentally ill, or who have been abused themselves. It's for us to identify behaviors we don't wish to tolerate.

Some people we can't avoid, like co-workers but we can remain aware and not get too close to people who behave like this.

I took this as a a strange way of asking you out on a dinner date!  I agree, it's not really a nice way. I'd avoid the park for a while too.

Many years ago, there was a person who I think was disordered. She moved so I haven't seen her in a long time. During that time, she made friends with my friends and I have no idea what she said to them.It seemed someone- one of them, would be yelling at me. One time I asked- why are you yelling at me and one answered "because I can".

Who does that? I've had the issue of being "too nice" to people. Seems this adult bully found someone to pick on and rounded up some flying monkeys. I heard after she moved that she was mean to other people I know too. She runs a business in another city and I saw a review that she yells at her employees too.

I had to work on being nice but not too nice. This doesn't happen anymore but I think I also tend to go too far in being distant from people sometimes. I do care about how I behave with people and treat people with decency and also haven't stopped being helpful in situations that I choose to- but I perhaps I "read" people better?

However, you should be able to enjoy the park- it's not his park. I'd avoid it for a while to create some distance with the guy,  but in the future, he needs to know you aren't interested in further talking with him. It's hard to say when we feel we need to be nice, but don't enagage him in long talks and if he brings up dinner, be direct and say no thank you.