You are so right here. I think what I'm looking for is reassurance of what I already know. Our whole relationship from the time I set boundaries with her up to this point has been her trying to push me into a position to intervene and defend her. That had been my role growing up. When I finally recognized that it was dysfunctional and harmful (to both of us), I sought therapy to understand the dynamic better and established healthy, but difficult boundaries. It was a process, and she did everything she could to force my hand - going so far as to attempt to legally compel me (unsuccessfully). That was such a difficult situation because it involved a public battle with her and the rest of my family not understanding - so I really looked like a jerk. I told my therapist then that in reflecting on it, I could see that she was always going to do this - she was always going to escalate her attempts to pull me in - and she did. Ultimately, I insisted that if she wants a relationship with me, she needs to "meet me on healthy ground" - and I clearly defined that as ground where we both matter equally (rather than her needs driving everything). That was not easy for her or me - but it was exactly the right thing to do and the boundary has been in place successfully now for a couple years. As each new battle comes up and as I continue to uphold these boundaries, it's just a reminder of how hard she makes things for me in my family. But, if I'm honest, it seems to be getting a little easier. Thanks for responding. I just needed to sort it through.

My son was still 3 years old when we separated and that separation ended in divorce.  It started with court defaulting custody and the parenting schedule in mother's favor, for no reason but that kit was the court's default policy.  There was a lot of conflict, posturing, allegations, disparagement, all by my ex.  By the time he was nearly 12 years old the custody and parenting schedule was virtually reversed.

He's grown now, still lives with me, but he doesn't want to hear anything of the painful past.

I had a similar discussion with my daughter about a year ago.  She asked me point blank why I got divorced, and I could tell it was time to have "the talk." 

I set the stage by saying this was all my view of what went down and why, and that her mom likely had a different opinion on all this than me.  I told her how her mom behaved and the things she did and said I that I didn't like during our marriage.  She kept saying "YES!  She does the same things to [her mom's current fiancee and long time BF]"  She also confirmed that BPDxw tells her now that I broke up the marriage by having affairs and then leaving (while I did file for divorce, I never had an affair, and she didn't even dare to allege that in court), and other nonsense, like I had never paid her child support. 

At the end of our talk, my daughter was in a really good mood.  I think (and others told me) that she probably suspected all this for a long time, but was torn because her mom's story didn't hold up to scrutiny.  But because unlike her mom, I don't spend all our time together badmouthing my ex, blaming her for everything, making up entire false narratives about it, etc. her mom's side was all she had to go on.  Now that she had my side to corroborate her gut feelings about her mom and who was right, it was reassuring to her. 

The "I wasn't the crazy one" feeling is such a relief. 

I understand and many of us here also do. I've done a lot of work on the issues in my own family of origin. I think it's a work in progress. We come a long way, then some other experience shows us there's more work to do. That's OK- it's all  a learning process. I don't think anyone "has it all done/together"- it's all about personal growth over time, which is what you are doing. 

When a pwBPD is in victim perspective, inevitably if someone doesn't step in to "rescue" them, then they are in bad guy position. So that is a part of the situation, but it doesn't make it true.

You are so right here. I think what I'm looking for is reassurance of what I already know. Our whole relationship from the time I set boundaries with her up to this point has been her trying to push me into a position to intervene and defend her. That had been my role growing up. When I finally recognized that it was dysfunctional and harmful (to both of us), I sought therapy to understand the dynamic better and established healthy, but difficult boundaries. It was a process, and she did everything she could to force my hand - going so far as to attempt to legally compel me (unsuccessfully). That was such a difficult situation because it involved a public battle with her and the rest of my family not understanding - so I really looked like a jerk. I told my therapist then that in reflecting on it, I could see that she was always going to do this - she was always going to escalate her attempts to pull me in - and she did. Ultimately, I insisted that if she wants a relationship with me, she needs to "meet me on healthy ground" - and I clearly defined that as ground where we both matter equally (rather than her needs driving everything). That was not easy for her or me - but it was exactly the right thing to do and the boundary has been in place successfully now for a couple years. As each new battle comes up and as I continue to uphold these boundaries, it's just a reminder of how hard she makes things for me in my family. But, if I'm honest, it seems to be getting a little easier. Thanks for responding. I just needed to sort it through.








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Thanks NotWendy,
This scenario and my actions would have been totally different with my non bpd son. It helps validate that truth. I do give myself some grace for my response back then. I was the emotional caretaker for my mentally ill Dad. Not protected by my Mom. I'm thinking because it gave her a break from his neediness and other issues. Also, my first marriage was physically abusive for many years, then verbally and emotionally abusive.
Believe it or not I've actually come a long way, with many years of personal work off and on over the years.
I know I can overcome my struggle with rescuing  my swbpd. You all have been a support for me in this.

I think what you recognize is a behavioral conflict pattern, clothed in some kind of "moral battle" but is actually dysfunction.

It may help to separate the dysfunctional pattern from the presumption of "morality" and see that this is drama which puts her at the center of attention.

When a pwBPD is in victim perspective, inevitably if someone doesn't step in to "rescue" them, then they are in bad guy position. So that is a part of the situation, but it doesn't make it true.

You want her to have peace in her life but you also can want peace for yourself. We are the ones to choose that for ourselves. She's the one in constant battle. You don't have to be.

There are many ways to help with injustice and we can choose our own causes and how to help. Let's say for example, her current issue is she's feeling like someone was injust to her, and hurt her and is rallying against domestic violence. You don't have to step into her drama but if this is a moral cause for you, you can donate to a local shelter or organization that is effective in helping with this cause. She doesn't decide your moral actions- you do.

What you do to act morally in the world is your choice, and not your sister's to decide for you.

I don't know what country you are in, or the rules in your Uni, but in the US, if a student reports assault at university - to a professor or staff, they have to report it. The university will then investigate it.

Sometimes these allegations are false- but still requires investigation and false allegations may still be damaging.

Consider why you are in university- because you have goals for your future. You can put these goals first when deciding about a relationship.

I see the mother-child relationship as a product of both people and if one has BPD, the relationship is influened by BPD thinking.

For the non BPD teen- getting braces can be uncomfortable, but there are two relationships they have with this.  One is with the orthodontist, who explains the process, and the child understands that the discomfort is temporary and not done on purpose to hurt them. The child by then also has some tolerance for temporary discomfort. The other is with parents- so when they feel some pain, they tell their parents. The parents aren't concerned as this seems normal to them, and they give the child some Tylenol.

For the teen with BPD, in the moment, they are feeling pain. They may have low tolerance for discomfort and delayed gratification. They are in pain right now and that's their focus, projecting on to the orthodontist who "hurt them" and are crying to their parents about how much it hurts.

Then there's the parent, with their own personalities and history. If the parent grew up with dysfunction, they may have less tolerance for seeing their child in what is necessary discomfort for the purpose of the end result, which is a nice smile, and also they may have been quick to soothe discomfort all along- if the child's reactions are extreme, or their tolerance for their reactions is low- maybe a bit of both, so the child has less experience with self soothing.

I think you can forgive yourself for taking the braces off. You did what you probably felt was needed to relieve your son of his distress in the moment, a function of his ability to tolerate it and your ability to tolerate his distress.

What kind of mother  has the braces taken off? A mother who doesn't want to see her child in pain. No parent wants to see a child in pain, but for a parent with a non- BPD child, we can provide relief by talking to the child and offering a Tylenol- and that works. If your son was inconsolable, unable to reason, escalating, you took a different solution.

Forgive yourself- it was a long time ago. You did what you thought you needed to do in the moment to help your child.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062401.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.