Hi outnumbered -

This was incredible.  I saw myself, my life, every bit of pain I felt during his last split, through your words.  And even though we didn’t have any sort of “respectful” goodbye like you did when he last left my home, my G-D… the thoughts and feelings that followed.  For years.

I think most of these relationships end while we still hold deep love for our disordered partners.  That’s such a sad, sad thing. And I know he felt that for me by the attempts he made to come back. 

So thank you for this… for saying what I’ve never seen said here before.  I’ve had to privately “villainize” him to keep myself away from him, to protect myself.  Your writing makes it okay for us to embrace the beauty in the love we shared.

The strength you held for yourself and the woman you love(d), but couldn’t continue to share a life with is so sadly beautiful.  I hope I’m making sense…

I see you.  And with all my heart, I thank you.

Warmly,
Gems

Yup. I literally went crazy, or so it felt. I would like zone out and feel like I was spinning trying to keep up with all of it. My tone was always an issue, I have never heard that from any previous partner, friend or family member. She twisted everything and assigned intent to all of my actions. Outside all day doing yard work, fixing her car, come in toss my t-shirt on the counter and sit down...I purposely left my shirt there to hurt her, because I don't appreciate her efforts around the house, and she feels like my mother following me around cleaning up my messes. It isn't like I leave shirts there for days. Maybe overnight, a folded shirt if it's late and we're tired.

She told me initially, my calmness kept her grounded during fights because I don't yell, throw things, insult, etc. Then that got old and she said she wished I'd yell, curse, show some emotion because me being calm shows I don't care or love her or want to fight for the relationship. No, I do not want to fight for it in that sense. But overtime I had a few missteps along the way and did yell back, I cursed back once sarcastically and asked her if she felt loved now. My big thing was saying very hurtful, yet true things during fights. She decided she had ADHD after 27 years and I had to fill out paperwork ranking activities she does like forget things, be late to stuff, etc. I filled it out HONESTLY. Some were scored 5, some 3, some 2, some even 1. She screamed at me all night because I don't sympathize with her condition, and said her therapist said it must be hard to be with a man who doesn't truly see her or care enough to help. So I said "why are you mad at me for this? I don't live in your head and know when you're struggling, because it comes out as productive and ok. This isn't my fault. I wish you'd accept some accountability for once and actually work on yourself instead of seek out new drugs trying to fix all of your problems. You're like a child and I'm tired of you treating me like human garbage every time you're upset" . That was not nice to say, but it was the truth, every problem had a prescription that could save her in her mind.

Then...you go to bed, have sex, and wake up have sex, and pretend nothing happened and the angel is back somehow.

It really is a crazy messed up world. I would get your this you’re that, you do this, you do that. Then I would explain why I did this or that, and she would have a go at me for getting defensive. And all the time this is going on, you start questioning yourself, you try and understand how she is thinking and it fools you into thinking they are right. But in reality they are twisting sh!t round and you are fooling for it, trying to respond calming while being told your tone of voice is wrong, but even then because you are used to being told your tone of voice is wrong you are making a conscious effort to try and speak as softly and calmly as possible, but that doesn’t work….. all the time whilst they are talking to you as if you have just stamped on their foot……….. or is that just me

Oh my god have you been living with my wife in a parallel universe?!

She wouldn’t just need one answer, it would be a barrage of questions in one sentence. Because I would be treading on eggshells wondering which word I might say out of place that would be taken completely out of context, by the time I had run through the answers in my head I would have forgotten the first effing question. That is all the while I am being barked at “well answer me” about 2 seconds after she has finished her question(s)

I used to get at least two headaches a week. I now get maybe three or four headaches a year since we have split up, and that is generally caused by drinking alcohol.

yup, saying 'I don't know' is the end of the world. If you don't know what you did it shows that you don't take their feelings into account. And the arguments suck, they will talk down to you for an hour. Then you try to start addressing their concerns, and God forbid you miss one of the 100 things they threw at you 'see you don't listen!'.

Then I can sometimes list off everything she was upset about, identify how it made her feel, but then suddenly 'you're listening to respond, not to understand!'. And kind of? If it is so vague and seemingly tiny incident, I really can't understand why you feel this way.

I feel like all our BPD loved ones use the same play book.
I asked my H what will it take to stop this merry go round and he said “ just confess”. I actually thought about lieing in the hopes i could feel some relief and he would stop harassing and verbally assaulting me but I know that isn’t the remedy.
Nothings ever over until they say so or they feel better . Even then they always circle back.

Yes, yes, and yes some more. When pwBPD is haveing a severe episode, they get to the point where they can not even hear me. They will be shouting that I cannot take accountability or apologise, and i have been saying how sorry I am for the past 5 minutes (even if I don't even understand what it is Ive done wrong), and they will be shouting right over me, See! See how selfish and narcissistic you are. You can not even admit your guilt! They aren't  listening to me, but God help me if I ever seem to not be lisetning to them, even is saying aweful and cruel things to me.
It makes me feel as if I am living in a crazy world and i can not trust even my own reality.

And I am also not allowed to say I don't know. I need to have a proper, instant and correct answer or else!

If it's any consolation, more often than not, when it comes to actual legal proceedings, pwBPD are more bark than bite.  They can't get away with their antics in front of a judge, and they can allege whatever they want, but if they can't back it up with evidence that's admissible in court, it doesn't matter.  If making threats was part of your relationship dynamic & how he got what he wanted from you, don't expect that to stop, but use the legal system to your advantage and don't give into anything unless you're legally required to. 

That all being said, prepare diligently and don't let anything linger; in my experience, you only get so much time to make your case in court - even if the case drags on - and so you have to act fast and be prepared to advocate for yourself. 

But don't allow his threats to scare you, and don't make decisions out of fear for what he might do and say about it; fight for the best outcome for you and your kids. 

Yes, god forbid if you say “I don’t care”

Exactly how you say, that is then turned round to you don’t care about me, you don’t care about anything.

No love, I don’t care which dress you wear, even one looks nice.
“Oh so you think I look fat”
“No, I don’t think you look fat”
“Well does this one look alright”
“Yes it looks fine love”

Then she would turn round and say “you’re not wearing that, put something else on”

Mental.

yup, we're evil awful and horrible. The worst person they've known. I was once told 'you don't have it in you to be a decent human being. My ex is a better man than you'll ever be'. All due to an extremely minor ridiculous issue she brought up. And yeah, just manufacture an argument when things are going well. I would tell her that good times made her uncomfortable so she needed to fight, which of course upset her more.

Or ask my preference on something, I'd say 'oh I don't care, either work for me'. That suddenly showed and meant that I don't care about her, her opinions and our relationship and I was checked out. Then the replay of every bad thing happened and I was 'never there for her when she needed me the most'. It couldn't simply be that I like both options and have no preference, so whatever she was wanting more would be just fine for me. Cue 3 hr fight with screaming, cursing and insults, until I walk away...or finally have enough and match her energy. Crazy, crazy times.