• September (last year): We broke up after an intense 1-year relationship. There was no real closure—just pain and confusion.

• September–November: She quickly entered a rebound relationship that lasted around 3 months. I begged a lot, acted out emotionally, and she blocked me multiple times. That “runner” relationship ended by late December.

• December–January: She resurfaced, saying things like: “I can’t fully let you go. There’s an angel and a devil on my shoulders.” We met, talked for hours, and even slept together once. But when I asked if we could try again, she said: “Don’t hope—I never give second chances.”

• February: She started seeing another guy (a football player). By mid-February, the relationship was official. I continued sending low-key supportive or emotional texts to her private TikTok account—this was my “safe space” for 10 months after the breakup. She used to read them regularly.

• March–May: Mixed signals. She still read my private TikTok messages and occasionally texted me. Meanwhile, she posted more photos with her new boyfriend. March would’ve marked our 2-year anniversary. I suggested a gentle no-contact back in February, but by then she was already with him.

• Early June: Her new boyfriend seemed narcissistic, and I was genuinely concerned for her. I texted her a symbolic story about a BPD girl being trapped by a love-bombing narcissistic guy, hoping she’d relate. But she turned it around, saying: “You’re doing the same thing to me.”
The next day she sent a picture of her boyfriend wearing my old hoodie—which felt like a provocation. Then, on June 9, she blocked me on every platform.

• Past Month: The block remains. Her social media shows a picture-perfect relationship—trips, sleepovers, meeting his parents. Yet at the same time, she reposts sad videos like:
 – “Last June, I was living a totally different life.”
 – “Wish my concealer could hide all the pathetic things I did to feel loved.”


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My Questions:

– Does a total block always mean genuine closure, or could it be a way to silence internal conflict and avoid emotional overload?

– Could she actually be happy now, or is she overcompensating by posting “perfect” couple moments while still resharing sadness?

– Why did she send that picture of her boyfriend wearing my hoodie? Was it a goodbye, a provocation, or something else?

– Did I actually do something wrong by telling that symbolic story? I never attacked her—I just tried to help.

– Is this really the end? How could she go from “I can’t live without you, but I’ll try” to this complete cutoff?

A woman with BPD (etc.) might make for a good mistress, which is to say, being up for just about anything, but is terrible for any kind of meaningful longterm relationship. Whatever nonsense your ex. is now in won't last, and chances are, she will come out of it feeling even worse about herself.

Recovery is a process, not an event.  It will take time to recover from the chaos you experienced.  Give yourself that time to address your feelings and hurt.  If you start another relationship too soon, it may turn out to be a rebound relationship and those often don't last.  Take care of yourself first.

Also, you found out about a level of infidelity.  Some people with BPD traits can quickly jump into, back & forth, out of relationships, all driven by their feelings, perceptions and moods.  It's okay not to want that in your relationship.

I don't think someone has to have BPD or similar to be vindictive and spread lies after the fact. But it doesn't help.

We live an age where accusations have been weaponized. They are now too often treated as the same thing as proof of guilt. People will take action solely on an accusation, including against innocent people, and feel no compunction about the damage they cause, which can be massive. Maybe, after ruining an innocent person's life, they might apologize, but doubtful. People are too caught up in the frenzy of feeling they're heroes to worry about whether they actually are.

So, I tell everyone -- and practice it myself -- to watch very carefully what you do and say and to keep as many records as possible in any relationship. Texts and emails are good because they are a third-party physical record. No, you shouldn't live your life as though under constant surveillance. But in particular if you're a man these days, you're at a disadvantage if accused of anything, especially by a woman. And if that woman is cold, scheming, and vengeful, she knows she's more likely than not to be believed.

Now, all that said, my ex. with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.) never directly accused me of anything untoward, though her memory was inconsistent if not wrong from time to time and not always to my advantage. She occasionally said some things to me that were pretty cutting -- including telling me that some of her friends and family members thought poorly about me, which I mostly doubt now -- and she got physical with me enough to leave bruises when she was upset.

But when we started our relationship, she talked frequently about her ex (who she went back and forth with while with me) being an abusive monster. As we got deeper into our relationship, that, of course, brought out my knight in shining armor qualities, as it would in most guys. The more she saw that, the more she would share about how awful he was.

But then we'd break up, and she'd go back to him, and vice versa.

So, I'm going to assume she was saying very much the same kinds of things about me to whoever would listen, including him. I never once did or said anything to her that could be interpreted as abusive or anything close. But scheming people -- including some with BPD (etc.) -- will see what buttons they can push in people with the lies they tell.

This, by the way, is why I tell anyone who breaks up with someone with BPD (etc.) to go no contact. Not only does this protect you against saying something that in the heat of emotion you might regret later, it also stops the person with BPD from performing some agenda they might have. If you're broken up, you're broken up. There is no further need for contact unless it's to salve problems and work toward resolution. But as my advice is to run as far and fast away from anyone with BPD (etc.), you should not be looking for resolution. You should just be thankful that you escaped.

Kells, that link from McLean was really interesting and gave a new direction.  I had never heard of General Psychiatric Management. Wish I had learned of it 10 years ago, AND today is better than never.

My H and I took Family Connections in the winter and are signed up for the MSTR class which begins in a few weeks. I’ve also been watching webinars in the FC Alumni section.  Trying to do a little every day while still making myself do “normal” things, too. 

Thanks to everyone for the support.  In the midst of your own struggles, you take time to give hope and insight and validation.  I’m just so grateful.  I pray daily for people to be placed in my path and my daughter’s, too.  You are all a gift from above.  I pray for each of you and your families.

Thanks for the help, i already analise the DSM-V (im physician), but i can't diagnose a partner for ethical and to be too close to her. I will tell u guys, this is the worse time of my life, 2 months and im having panic attacks, anguish, despair, after all i yet miss her (codependence, anxious attachment - childhood problems)... I will stay NC, God help me.

Sorry for my bad english

This makes sense.  I can relate to this a lot, and have spent the last few days thinking and processing this, which is quite helpful.  I am not yet in a place where I can "trust" it enough to take the "leap".  But maybe getting closer...

This doesn't fit as well for me, or more likely, I just don't understand.  My mom has had big emotions her whole life to things I did or didn't do according to her worldview, and thenceforth comes the blame, the rages, the guilt, the obligation, and my fear.  So in my my, the things I did or didn't do were not separate from what she feels and does.  But probably, what you are saying, is that they should be?

  Thank you so much for this - for explaining that my body has to learn that I can be safe.  For some reason - maybe the timing is right- this "landed". I've just kind of accepted that I probably can't feel safe until she passes, and even then I'm not sure because there's still the memories and guilt.  It's like you're assuring little Methuen that she will again feel safe.  I struggle to imagine that. 
 

As HoratioX alluded to, it's not possible - even for a professional - to diagnose someone without seeing them.  And my understanding is that behavioral disorders take time to diagnose.  It's not something that's necessarily apparent right away, because: 1) BPD can often be comorbid with other behavioral disorders; and 2) some of the traits of BPD overlap with other disorders or mental problems.  Also people with BPD are notoriously bad at telling the truth, and impulse control, and so it may take a trained therapist several sessions to even begin to understand what's going on with them.

That being said, to answer your question, sure, she could be a pwBPD.  Not only did she share that she had been partially diagnosed that way, but her behavior, specifically the poor impulse control and extreme mood swings, as well as the ideation (love bombing/falling in "love" after a month), coupled with jealousy and controlling behavior, fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD. 

I would not put as much stock into the fetishism; people can have odd fetishes and be otherwise "normal" or not suffer from a personality disorder.  But yeah... liking serial killers is troubling, LOL.

You can read the diagnostic criteria for BPD here (link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder).  Note that this website also provides some cautionary language around trying to diagnose someone:

- From: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

As someone who was married to a pwBPD, consider yourself lucky that you didn't have a longer experience with this person and move on.  Chalk it up to a learning experience and use it to avoid future relationships with pwBPD when their issues aren't as obvious up front, as this girl's were. 

Well, for one thing, they're still just one human.  They may get others to believe them for a little while, but also a lot of people won't believe them, or won't care.  And pwBPD struggle with all relationships, so expect that they're going to burn bridges with some of these people they may currently be engaging with in a smear campaign against you. 

In my own experience, most people will try to stay "neutral" understanding that there are a lot of bitter exes out there smearing their former partners, and so they will take everything your ex says with a grain of salt; they nod and agree with something the ex says just to avoid taking sides, but in practice they'll stay cordial with you and not engage with the smear campaign.  In these situations, it's probably better just to stay quiet and let your ex look like the bitter one.

There may be some people (typically losers) who go along with the BPD-ex and hold things against you.  I would only confront them if necessary.  And don't corner them when you do it, and don't try to play he said/she said, just tell them there are two sides to every story, they weren't there, and  you're disappointed they're taking sides like that.  Or something along those lines.  Shame them.  If there's some specific allegation from your ex that they're worked up about, you can hopefully show them some evidence to support where you're coming from, and let them make up their own mind about whether your ex is telling the truth or not. 

I don't know what you're dealing with specifically, but I think the best course of action is when you're dealing with evidence-free slander from a pwBPD that boils down to just gossip or social media posts, ignoring it is the best policy.  If you absolutely have to deny something, do it and move on.  Don't get dragged into arguments that go in circles. 

Don't wrestle in the mud with a pig, as the saying goes, because you'll just get dirty and the pig will enjoy it. 

Now if there's something more specific they're saying or doing, maybe you do have to take actions to stop it, but that depends on a case-by-case basis. 

Sorry to hear about what you're going through... That must be so hard to deal with while taking care of life and kids. You must be really tough and sincere to keep trying the way you are.

I can relate to the loss of physical affection or desire. It feels like it's partly because I don't trust a nice moment will stay nice, and partly that I'm so disappointed by the situation we're in compared with what I hoped it would be. Plus it feels like a lot of pressure on us to not only manage our sadness and anxiety from their behavior, but also manage their sadness about us not wanting to be close or physical. I'm still in the middle of it, so I can't relate any kind of closure. I find a lot of things I read or think about inspire compassion for my wife's condition, but it's brutal trying to decide how far compassion can carry me through an impossible situation.

From my perspective, it is encouraging that your husband is willing to do the work and showing progress. It's harder to keep enduring without signs of change. I'd be incredibly thankful to see big behavioral change. Good luck!