Hi again Einstein,

I'm so sorry things have been getting worse lately.  To me, that you're very sick explains a lot.  I've noticed that sickness can be triggering for a pwBPD.  Maybe it has to do with "contagion" of malaise, but I think that deep down, the pwBPD feels "abandoned" when there's sickness in the family.  That's because attention--especially your attention--is temporarily diverted away from her.  In the case of a long-term sickness, she might spin out of control, believing that her very life is ending as she knows it.  She can't bear not to hold 100% of your attention and have access to 100% of your energy/capability/financial support.  So what does she do?  She manufactures dramas, big and small, to ensure she still has a hold over you and to reclaim your attention.  She will "punish" you for being sick, which is the opposite of what you need.  Just when you need to focus on self-care the most, she's acting out.  It's especially cruel because you're not feeling well as it is.

I think the same sort of thing happens when you dare to do something nice for yourself, like go on vacation.  Cue the feelings of abandonment.  Double-cue the feelings of jealousy and spite--that you dare to have fun, when she isn't happy at all.  What does she do in response?  She punishes you.  She neglects the pets, she manufactures drama to reclaim your attention, she "spoils" your trip.  She's trying to make sure that you know, if you ever dare to leave her alone, it's not worth it to you.  It's her misguided way of keeping you trapped at home, so that she commands 100% of your attention and servitude.  Does that sound about right?  If that sounds familiar, it's because I've lived through that.

Sometimes I agree with Pook, that the pwBPD truly believes that she was hurt or offended.  That may be the case with your mom, but I wouldn't rule out plain lying, which they'll justify by blame-shifting (Well you/they made me do it!).  The pwBPD in my life is perfectly capable of faking some sort of meltdown/crisis/sudden illness to get what they want.  It's almost always when I'm headed off for a vacation/fun afternoon, coming down with an illness myself, or dealing with a death in the family.  It's so predictable and ludricous that I want to scream sometimes.  It's like they're programmed to needle me, abuse me, take advantage of me exactly when I need the tiniest bit of cooperation.  It's like I'm living with a five-year-old sometimes--and I know some five-year-olds who are emotionally more mature, dependable and self-sufficient!  I think you wrote that it's a huge letdown that you can't rely on your mom for anything whatsoever (except generalized dysfunction and meltdowns).  And that really hurts because she's your mom, and you give her so much of yourself.  I get it.  I guess the only way to cope is to assume non-cooperation, and that way, you won't be as disappointed.  You just need to assume she's not reliable.  When she does cooperate, then that's gravy.

As you're living with your mom, I'm wondering if you could carve out some extra space for yourself.  If living apart isn't possible, maybe you could claim a separate room in the home, all to yourself?  I did that a while back, and it felt life-changing.  Before, I didn't have any space for myself, not even a closet--everything was shared, and since my spouse has very strong opinions about decorations and furnishings (as well as a lot of stuff), nothing felt truly "mine," and all the spaces felt cramped.  I didn't have privacy--my family wouldn't let me focus uninterrupted for more than a few of minutes, and my belongings would often go missing, infuriating me.  But once I claimed a room for myself (with a door), I felt like I had some privacy, some space to myself.  If someone took something from my room without asking, it became a clear violation of privacy.  Moreover, since there was a door, there was a physical barrier to separate me and my stuff, and I think that people had to think twice before barging in.  When in my space, I wasn't immediately "available" to solve every single little problem.  It helped me to "slow walk" even more.  In short, having a separate room of my own became my refuge and made me feel more at peace.

In the meantime, I'd encourage you to get out as much as you can, and ensure you see friends and do some fun things as much as possible.  You DESERVE to have a life.  Even if your mom "punishes" you for having a life, don't let that stop you.  Just let her have her tantrum (assuming she does that).  Once you understand what she's doing, I think it's easier to accept it for what it is, and move on.  By cultivating your life (friends, hobbies, self-care, taking care of pets, etc.), you'll start to feel more like your normal self, and your mom's dysfunction will seem a smaller part of your life.  That might cut down on feelings of resentment, too.  We wouldn't want you to miss out on your life.  So you go make it happen, no matter what your mom does, and don't feel guilty, either.  I know it's hard, but it's also worth it.

Glad you are having "aha" moments and figuring out next steps.  I hope this has already started paying off.

Think about this this way. 

Did a technician look at her trees?  Yes.

Did the technician laugh at something?  I would assume yes.

Did your mom cry?  I would assume yes there as well.  But remember, she wasn't upset or agitated when they left.  So she cried later thinking back on it.

Did the technician make her cry?  Now you're asking a question that depends on perspective.  Your mom said yes, the technician said no.  I'd bet a dollar that both are telling the truth.  Why?  How?  Maybe something the technician said made her cry in hindsight...maybe the tree made her think of your dad, or a dog she had when she was 10.  Who knows what the connection was in this instance.  He could have said something completely normal though and it could have made her cry hours later.

With mental illness, everything said is true from the viewer's perspective.  Everyone else may say it's false, but that's not how feelings work.  If you feel sad, you're sad...there's no proof or explanation required.  Your mom heard something that made her sad.  That's true.  But it doesn't mean that the tree guy was a bad person or said something ugly.

Hopefully that helps a little.

I would wonder if this didn't just pass from civil to criminal.  Stealing documents is still stealing, and if those documents were to prove you owned 1/3 of the cottage, then I could see that classified as grand theft.

Personally, I'd talk to the police and explain the situation.  No need to confront your brother directly.  Let him smirk at the police as they bring him in for questioning.  Maybe he can smirk at someone in the jail cell as well, that would be cute.

The "what if" I finally settled on was, "What if I put myself first today....and put the people first who put me first?  How different would my day be?"

The answer is that its tremendously different.  I invest my time into things that will positively impact my life and the people's lives around me.  If I get attacked for that, I'm re-evaluating that relationship and definitely giving it less priority.  If someone else is mad, then I apologize.  If that doesn't work, then I guess they'll just have to be mad.  Oh well.

Those kinds of things are very rare in my life these days though because I'm not playing the "what if" game in a negative way anymore.

Hi Shameus.  Are you in the United States?  As far as I know, either you're listed on her chart as being able to receive medical updates for her or you're not.  If you are, then they can release information to you.  However, just because she was treated doesn't mean she received a formal diagnosis.  Hospitals and psych facilities treat symptoms regardless of what's charted and try to find a mixture of medication and treatment that would benefit the patient the most.

In my case, my wife left for another man...although she never admitted it to anyone but me and our daughter.  She told everyone else that I was abusive and she was fleeing for her safety.  I tried to reconcile for almost a year but eventually faced the obvious- it was better to let her go. 

My wife did have some impacts on our daughter later in life, but I don't think that's the reason my kid has BPD.  I would guess that's genetics more than anything.  She was a good mom though and did whatever she could for our two kids.

Have you spoken to your wife directly about a diagnosis (it's probably better not to)?  In the original post, it sounds like you're getting a handle on things and learning to enforce boundaries when things aren't okay.  Any progress there?

Living with a BPD parent is difficult. It's good that you have the support of professionals and friends.

One situation that I would feel let down over was if I had expectations of BPD mother. In a "normal" situation, someone in the same house could be relied on to feed the animals, or help out in other ways but with BPD it's unpredictable.

Often we feel resentful when we have expectations of someone and are let down. There's nothing wrong with expecting a housemate to share some tasks and live cooperatively. It's that when a person is disordered, they think and behave differently.

The more you can stay out of her own personal issues with people, it can probably help. It won't fix the situation- she's still going to have BPD and it's a challenge, but it may help your own disappointment. She's going to dissociate- that is a part of the disorder. During these times, try to get some time away- even if it's locking your bedroom door, putting on headphones and listening to music.

Sometimes the best response is to just take action, as you did. Trying to get into a conversation with your brother over this is likely to just become a circular argument and attention to him.

You know what kind of person you are dealing with. Taking legal action to attain what belongs to you, as you are doing, is the better course (IMHO)

Right now I am burnt out and right now just ignoring her behavior.  I do worry about her moods on our son.  She also is constantly thinking he is sick and leads him on that he is.  If you don’t mind me asking what was your breaking point for divorce and do you think your wife had any impact on your daughter?  When she was hospitalized, I was able to talk to her psychiatrist, because she signed a release.  I want to call and ask him what her diagnosis is out of concern for her recent spiraling and safety of our son, but I am afraid to if that will be a catalyst if he has to report to her that I reached out.  Any input is appreciated. 

Thank for the responses so far. I'm so fed up. I honestly can't take it anymore. The resentment I have for her could fill the Universe. Everything she does is unbearable to the point she makes me think I have problems, or I'm going to end up like her. I have lots of support outside of the household with therapy, groups, a psychiatrist, doctors, and friends, but it often seems like it's not enough. I've learned to communicate more effectively with her and set boundaries when she gaslights or makes me feel bad or guilty. I've been doing well when it comes to these things. I was horrible at it before. I was always in tears and often suicidal. She can be a horrible person. I've been in therapy for over 6 years and doing much better, but recently she's been getting worse, and this year, I've been very sick. She refused to take care of me or help me in any way. So when she sucks me into one of her delusions, I feel like I might snap. I can't take much more of her detachment or her dissociation episodes. I can't trust her with anything. I took a small vacation with my dog and she neglected all the other animals. Right now I feel like I'm venting to strangers, and suddenly I feel weird, but it seems many of you know what I'm going through. What she did is tipping me over, but I have not acted on it. I'm going to take the advice and let this one go. I did talk to the company, and let them know the situation, and how sorry I was for my email. If it happens again, I will know what to do. Thank you for reading this and responding.