There is no magical 'switch the illness off' for BPD.. even if we all wished there had been.  I have no doubt her husband is now seeing things very differently and wondering what he's gotten himself into.

He'll have had the usual 'my last partner didn't treat me right' spiel from her but he'll have found out by now that its her who is the problem.

Try and concentrate on yourself and see the long term; you were in a no-win situation, as we all once were. Hard to do I know but it helps to think that her life will never change; she's stuck in a repeating, self-destructive cycle and will most likely always be in conflict with whoever she's with.

Snailshell, I'm sorry you're having these feelings.


From what you describe here, you haven't been 'stupid with your life'. You've pursued things of value which interest you, like music. You've cared for those who needed care. Some would say this is more important than ticking boxes like marriage or homeownership.

It's a cliche that comparisons are odious, but, comparisons are odious. Your ex's relative wealth and stable lifestyle is not a comment on your choices, it is the result of her inheriting money from her parents. There is an entire structure of advertising that exists to tell us that 'having more stuff' makes us better, superior people. We all know this, and yet we are susceptible.

Your ex's new relationship is also not a comment on you and it is unlikely to be as ideal as it may be portrayed on social media. People do not change very easily - you probably know this from trying to break cycles in your own life. It is even harder for someone with a disorder like BPD. If you went back a year ago, you would see my uBPDx living an exciting new life in a new and vibrant city with his new partner (me). Fast forward to now, and that relationship has been destroyed by his cheating, lying and instability - just as his last live-in relationship in a different city, was. It's not better. It's just a different part of the cycle.


The world doesn't run on reward and punishment. It runs on cause and effect. Your ex will not be 'punished' for her abusive behaviour towards you in the sense that there will be no validating authority that comes and says, Yes, she was wrong and you were right. But there will be consequences, because everything has consequences. You are not in control of these for her, only for you.

You have been trying to make good decisions. You will see the results of that, but that's different from saying 'I'm a nice person, therefore the universe will reward me'. There is a skill to being good, and part of that includes identifying disordered people like your ex and how to behave around them, and also identifying chaos or disorder that arise in your own mind (for example, when you think about your ex) and acting skillfully with regards to that.

Act skillfully, authentically and according to your values and try not to compare yourself to her (but also, don't berate yourself if you do - we don't have perfect minds). It will be OK.

Two things:

1) you don't know what things are really like behind the scenes.  there's almost no chance she's different with this guy, and you have no idea how miserable they might be together.

2) don't get too hung up on things look now.  life is not a movie; there aren't endings (at least until you're dead).  They might seem happy and like they're "winning" but things are going to change. 

I just found this out.

It feels kinda sad to be hung up on it - it happened about two years ago now, the end of that relationship.

I guess that's a mature, appropriate time to wait before marrying someone too.
Though I was told that they were engaged very soon after we broke up (a few months maximum).

The thing I find hard about it, is the fact that I know what I saw.

I was there when she threatened to 'beat the sh*t out of me' - although to be fair... maybe that was just a figure of speech... I don't know...

I was there when she drove me off in her car to an abandoned gas station and midnight and yelled at me, trying to make me apologise after I made a joke (genuinely - there's nothing that I'm hiding there).

I was there when she pushed all sorts of my boundaries.

Over the course of 350 days, we sent about 30,200 texts (WhatsApp told me when I delete the messages) - I think that's about 80 a day, or something?

When I finally blocked her after some pushing and pulling, her new guy called me up, accused me of stalking and harassment and told me that he'd grab me by the throat if he ever saw me around the city.

So I guess I'm just wondering... how come I'm still trying to get my life together, and how come they're married now?

It's hard to swallow...

I haven't been stupid with my life on purpose.

I was a child carer, I had a passion for music so pursued that... I didn't have freedom from caring until my very late twenties and then we were more or less straight into the Covid pandemic.

I've spent a few years retraining and trying to have fun; but still feeling like I'm not where I want to be.

She trained in something employable and has been living alone in a family 'second home' in a vibrant city. It just feels like a way more stable set up than mine.

But... I don't think I'm a worse person... or that I did something wrong on purpose... I've been trying to make mature and good decisions; it's just that life is really hard sometimes.

And then... things have all come together for her.

Even after how she was to me...

Yeah, I had a brother in law that went the same route you did and watching it unfold, it literally made me sick to my stomach.  His kids were around 6 and 10 when they split up, and now they're like 17 and 21.  He missed years with them because of the back and forth, the constant trips back to court, and his ex hell-bent on destroying him.  Our whole family didn't see those kids for 7+ years and it ate at everyone.  It devastated the dad though because those kids were his world.

I just couldn't do that so from the very start, I was going to "win my wife back" whether we stayed married or not.  At first, I took a lot of abuse for my efforts, but in time I think everyone around my ex kind of said, "Why are you treating him that way?  He's gone above and beyond to stand by you."  I really don't know how things clicked for her, I'm just glad they did.

You're right, it may not last forever, but she's remarried now and I think that's actually helped more than it hurt.  I doubt she thinks about me much anymore except when there's a kid problem or a birthday we'll both be at.  Our kids are grown too though so that makes it a lot easier.

I just hope that if the beast re-emerges, all that wrath is pointed at her current husband.  She's already getting depressed again and taking long naps often (which was the pattern that spelled the beginning of the end of our relationship).  I wish her the best, but a part of me knows that the wheels will eventually fall off the bus and it's going to crash spectacularly.

I'm curious- have you confronted him directly about this kind of stuff?  Not in a combative way, but purely to ask why he gets so focused on your timelines when he's not even home.  I had that in my former marriage as well and it frustrated me all the time.  If I was late getting home, the phone would be ringing and texts would be appearing. 

Yet if she was out late, I was supposed to assume it was for a perfectly good reason and not bother her.  If I asked, I was being controlling.  If I didn't ask, then I didn't care about her.  It was a game that was impossible to win, and of course I didn't realize I was playing the BPD game to begin with.

Your husband does sound like he has several BPD traits.  That doesn't make it BPD like you said, but I sometimes feel like there's a spectrum there that has some tendencies but not enough for a diagnosis.  My ex's brothers and several other relatives, for example, could be BPD/NPD as well, but they're nowhere near as obvious as my kid. 

All I can do is commiserate with you.  I was in the same boat, and was just following the advice I received from one of our MCs, and online, but like you're seeing, it never really worked.  In my case, in the end, she'd always find something to get upset about: someone gave her the side-eye; someone rolled their eyes; my uncle didn't say "hi" to her right away, etc.  Often it happened out of my presence, so I didn't even know if it was true or not. 

You really need to have the patience of a saint, and the skill of a therapist to navigate this perfectly... so it's basically impossible. 


It does sound like he's being somewhat honest here at least, as disordered & unreasonable as his behavior might be.  In my case, on a couple occasions BPDxw admitted to me that she hoped I would stop seeing my family and she was intentionally trying to get me to cut them out of my life, because she felt threatened by other relationships I had, even with my own parents, aunts, brother, etc.  Of course, these admissions never happened when I would point them out to her later, when she was picking a fight over this.

I felt like in the end, it was just "bottomless pit" stuff; she needed to feed the monster in her, and to that end, found that I would defend my family and wouldn't put up with her demands that I stop seeing them, tell my mom that all communications to me must go through my wife, and whatever other insane things she wanted.  Once she had that, it was just too good to let go, and she got her drama needs met by picking fights over this at least monthly, for the last couple years of our marriage.  But I don't know if she was BPD or not, and a lot of the stuff she did had a more malevolent feel to it; she was more vindictive.  When I read about Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) that rang more of a bell to me. 


I think this is good advice.  Like I said above, the issues are entirely in his head, and nothing is going to stop that, save him recognizing the issue, seeking therapy and working to change.  And good luck with that...

When these things blow up, you can't stop them; the best you can do is reduce the damage and length of time they go on for.  Don't get drawn into circular arguments, and just put the ball in his court when you can, by making light of the absurdity of the situation.  I think "We did all the things you asked for.  You're still unhappy.  What else do you want?" catches them off guard sometimes, and that's helpful for ending it.  They want to feel like they're the righteous victim; when you hold a proverbial mirror up and let them see that they've gotten everything they want, it takes the wind out of their sails.

I had a lot of criticism and disparagement in my separation and divorce.  I kept going back to court, eight years in all, until finally we had a custody and parenting order that worked.  (She was very entitled and court enabled her by starting her off with temp custody and temp majority parenting schedule.  When all was said and done, our son was a preteen and I had custody and majority time.)

Once our son was an adult and custody issues were moot, it did calm down.  However, I still am careful - usually - not to trigger my ex since our marital problems were never her fault, well, in her perceptions.

Beware that what works today may not work in the future.  It's almost as though that beast needs to emerge somehow, one way or another.  So be prepared with alternate approaches, strategies and boundaries that help to keep the relationship narrative more or less on the positive or neutral side.

It's quite probable that your codependent nature was, to some extent, shaped and fostered in your childhood FOO (family of origin).  So how were you to become aware except by experience and education in counseling?  Apparently what inclined you to start and continue your relationship felt familiar to you and was within your comfort zone.  (Think of the analogy of the hapless frog in the slowly heating cooking pot.)

Also, all of us are careful to somewhat present our nice face when starting a romantic relationship.  As time goes on, we relax a bit and, so to speak, let our dirty laundry become evident.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are humans too and they behave similarly, just to greater extremes, both with perceptions as well as behavior.

Too often we don't notice the subtle behavior patterns until we're well into the relationship, perhaps already married or perhaps not until we've expanded the twosome to include children.  By then, of course, it is vastly more complicated to figure out what to do.  And the common entitled Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting arise and improving things is made even harder.

Hello.  I hope you are well.

My situation in a nutshell...details to come later I suppose.

I am in my second marriage.  My first wife had some serious problems with emotional instability and depression.  She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, a diagnosis which she rejected and refused treatment for (after a brief period of taking pills and some talk therapy).  I came to the conclusions, with the help of my own therapist(s), that I was deeply codependent and that I was part of the problem....doing too much for her, etc.

I made a promise to myself to do better next time, if there ever was a next time, which there was.  Guess what?  My second wife has also been diagnosed with BPD.

I think I am better prepared to deal with this situation than I was 20 years ago, but I must say I am somewhat disappointed, mostly in myself, for not picking up on the signs and not having the courage, or the insight, to avoid this unfortunate repeat.