I’ve been with my wife for years. She has never been diagnosed with BPD, so I don’t want to diagnose her myself, but after years of trying to understand our relationship, a lot of the patterns seem consistent with BPD traits.
She is very high functioning in most areas of life. The problems are overwhelmingly in close relationships and become much worse under stress. We have had long periods where our relationship was genuinely good, particularly when life was less stressful. When stress increases, though, things can deteriorate dramatically.
Some of the patterns I see are intense reactions to relatively minor perceived slights, interpreting ordinary mistakes or disagreements as evidence that I don’t care/listen/respect her, difficulty accepting my perspective once she feels hurt, anger that seems disproportionate to what happened, and what feels like punishment or retaliation after she believes I have wronged her.
The retaliation is probably the hardest part for me. She sometimes acknowledges that she is deliberately doing something because she knows it will upset me. She might withdraw, slam a door, abruptly leave a conversation, swear at me, or continue pushing an issue after it is obvious that I am overwhelmed. It can feel like once she believes I have hurt her, hurting me back becomes justified.
Over the years she has also learned exactly what affects me most. I have become extremely reactive to some of these behaviors. Sometimes an incident that objectively isn't enormous sends me into a massive emotional and physiological reaction because it feels like the thousandth repetition of the same pattern.
We recently had a baby, and the additional stress has made things substantially worse again. One example: while I am soothing the baby, my wife will sometimes hover and give unsolicited instructions. If I cannot hear her over the white noise or don't respond correctly, it can become another conflict. I have noticed that I now sometimes become angry or anxious when the baby starts crying—not because I am angry at the baby, but because I am anticipating my wife intervening and another conflict beginning. I really hate that this dynamic is contaminating something as important to me as caring for my daughter.
I'm starting individual therapy because I need to learn to regulate myself better. I don't want my wife's behavior to have this much control over my emotional state. I want to be able to recognize when I'm being triggered, disengage, and recover without eventually boiling over after enough button-pushing.
My two main questions for people who have lived through something similar:
How did you learn to regulate yourself when your partner knew your vulnerabilities extremely well and continued pushing after you were already overwhelmed? What actually worked beyond generic advice like breathing exercises or “don't engage”?
Is there realistically anything you can do to help an undiagnosed, high-functioning partner recognize that they need professional help? I'm afraid even suggesting couples therapy will immediately become evidence that I think she is the problem, and suggesting that she individually needs help seems even less likely to go well.
I don't expect to change her myself. I'm trying to understand what I can actually control, what boundaries work when the other person doesn't necessarily respect them, and how to judge whether meaningful change is realistically possible.

Hi there,

The pwBPD in my life is female, but I have experience with undiagnosed NPD and also BPD traits in males.

I'd say there is a lot of overlap in the day-to-day manifestation.  I'm familiar with the over-the-top anger, blaming, misplaced aggression, going from 0-to-60 over nothing.  The entitlement, the constant need for attention and reassurance, the demandingness.  The manipulative tactics and need for control.  The semi-delusional thoughts and beliefs, the twisted narratives they tell, which easily turn into outright lying and/or false accusations.  The refusal to apologize or take any responsibility for harm that is caused.  Their feelings of being slighted, ignored, not special enough, not catered to enough by others, and lashing out to reclaim attention.  The rules for thee but not for me, plus the surveillance and attempts to control your every move.  The lack of emotional control and maturity, the low frustration tolerance, the self-centeredness, the apparent lack of empathy.  The unfair attempts to punish and exact retribution which are disproportionate to the offense you supposedly committed.  The insults which bear no relation to the conflict at hand.  And the effects on loved ones, who walk on eggshells trying to avoid another outburst, who feel trapped and wonder how on earth they ended up like this, a shadow of a former self, emotionally, financially and physically depleted.

I'm not aware of a "male" vs. a "female" version of BPD, except perhaps mirroring the traditional male/female traits and roles.  Males might be considered physically strong and more assertive, and so might use these traits to their advantage in a conflict.  The uNPD in my life would assert his dominance by brandishing weapons, bulking up and getting in your face, for example.  A male might be more concerned about his "honor" and status, and so might try to prevent you from interacting with any other men, let alone do anything to diminish his "status," such as earn more money or professional accolades.  But I think this sort of thing cuts both ways, because I think a woman can be equally "jealous" and accuse her male partner of disrespecting her, merely by glancing at another female.

Is he resistant to the concept of counseling or therapy?  If so, that's very common, regardless of gender.  The blaming and blame shifting, among many other traits raised to an unwelcome extreme, typically make getting sessions with a therapist and continuing them so very hard.

If he's not in productive therapy, then you're right, Boundaries are very important.  However, pwBPD traits, whether diagnosed or not, resist boundaries.  So the alternative - which sadly is not very intuitive - is that boundaries are for us.  How so?  Boundaries are protections for us when we need to determine a response to poor behavior.  A very simplistic example might be saying, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will or won't do ___."  So while we can't force someone to behave better, we can ensure they know that we can deal with poor behavior in one way or another.  We're not helpless nor do we need to be compliant, complicit or appeasing.

On our Tools & Skills Workshops board we have topics on Boundaries and so much more that are very helpful as we educate ourselves.

This is extremely helpful. It affirms some things I have processed with a therapist and also reminds me of the place of staying about her and not about me. That’s hard but I get it.   Thank you do much.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Many elements of your story--false accusations, blaming, projection, withholding access to children as punishment, dredging up negative memories from childhood and twisting the narrative--are familiar here.  What you describe sounds a lot like BPD.

Rest assured that you did not cause BPD, and you are not responsible for your daughter's disordered thinking.  She'll blame you for all sorts of things, but that's her maladaptive way of coping.  Alas, since you didn't cause BPD, you can't make it better either, no matter how much you want to.  Only your daughter can do that.  But she's so busy blaming you, that she probably resists getting some help to turn her life around.

In the meantime, your daughter knows she has something you want--access to her son.  The more you beg and plead to see him, the more she'll use him to get back at you, to get concessions out of you.  Besides, if you frame anything in terms of YOUR emotional needs, your daughter is likely to take it the wrong way, as offensive and narcissistic of you.  You see, the only thing that matters to her is HER needs; adding yours on top is completely overwhelming.  If you are still communicating, then I'd recommend eliminating discussion about your needs entirely, and frame everything in a way that puts your daughter in the center.  One way to do this would be to frame a visit as a way to give your daughter a break, to do something special for her.

I know you are hurting.  You're aghast about the accusations of abuse of your grandson--your daughter has taken things too far, and she's becoming more delusional than ever.  The way I read the situation though is that your daughter is probably facing a ton of stress right now, and she's taking it out on you.  She's probably overwhelmed, as a single mom with a special-needs kid.  Maybe her son is getting more mobile and demanding, and she can't handle him as easily as when he was little.  Maybe she's depressed that her life is so hard, and she feels hopeless, that it will never get better for her.  She's entering middle age and feels let down by life.  She's not getting the attention and support she thinks she's entitled to.  Meanwhile, she's probably insanely jealous of her sibling, and how you seem to dote on her and her family.

I could be off base here; I'm just saying that, in my experience with BPD, acting out and inventing a narrative about past abuses are often triggered by an increase in current stresses and disappointments.  It's a maladjusted way of coping.  To your daughter, blaming parents seems easier than taking responsibility and doing the hard work of trouble-shooting.  In addition, AVOIDANCE tends to be a BPD way to cope.  When she's feeling overwhelmed, it's often easier to retreat from life, avoid dealing, avoid contact with others, while at the same time, punishing you with her absence (and access to her son).  I think of this as an "adult time out."  Together, I see these behaviors as a trauma-like, fight or flight response.  Does that make sense?

My guess is that your daughter will reach out again when she needs money or free babysitting.  I think I'd say, sit patiently, and try not to let negative thoughts take over.  You get busy with your life and get in a happy place so that when your daughter does reach out, you're calm and upbeat.

I’m brand new here.
I have a 40 year old daughter who has not been diagnosed with BPD. She has all of the signs of BPD and I have had professional therapy that is familiar and has helped me to understand it is likely based on all of her behavior.
She is a single mother with a 7 year old child who is on the autism spectrum and is non speaking. Her father, my husband, died of ALS when she was 14. It was very difficult. She was particularly close to him. I remarried someone who had lost his wife and in retrospect it was very hard for her as well. She and I had a pretty close relationship considering our different personalities until a few years ago when she started angrily lashing out at me  and her sister some, over many things about the past, etc. I have been an extremely devoted mom and now grandma. Bring a parent was a huge priority in my life. My older daughter has three children and we are all very close.
The very worst happened about a year and 1/2,ago when my younger daughter called and said that her son had written that my husband had abused her son and she recounted that he wrote this out about an incident when he was 21/2 or 3 when my husband was caring for him. We babysat a lot. She had been saying he communicated by writing and it was all inside.
His head and that was how he expressed. When I witnessed this it was very clear that he was not writing but she was, besides the fact that my husband is the last person who would do this. He loves her son, but my daughter has always been strange about it.
After that horrible accusation I managed to maintain an awkward relationship with this daughter and grandson by going and visiting along, seeking therapy to help me in talking with her, learning that this was not the true her and she was hurting deeply, and be very cautious.Some  visits it went okay and others she was in her angry, tense, accusatory place. A couple times I left abruptly. I have throughout affirmed my unconditional love for the two of them. For almost four months now I have not seen her or my grandson. My pain is sometimes unspeakable.
The last encounter I had with her, when I was leaving and  usually set the next date, it went downhill and something about
it all ‘sucks’ and how bad the year had been come up, she said, ‘but I’m  not the abuser, mom. And I lost my discipline and said , ‘oh yes you are, yes you are’  
She has not returned my requests for another date to visit and a recent more fervent request to come and see my grandson.
In many ways this has felt harder than the terminal illness of my husband. That was catastrophic but it was black and white   I knew what to do, had tremendous support, and the answers were clear

I feel tormented with worry, pain, grief, and continual trying to figure out how to help her or say the things to get her to help. I have offered therapy together countless times. She refuses and says it’s all my people etc.
I’m hoping perhaps this is a place that can bring some  understanding for me, and some relief.

Thank you for all the kind and thoughtful responses!    It helps to know that other people understand what I have been dealing with.  Having a mother with BPD is so damaging because their constant fluctuation in behavior makes it very hard to trust others as an adult.  We grew up with someone using us for their own validation. 

Hi,

My boyfriend has not been diagnosed formally with BPD, but my mom was, and I have read so many books on it. I'd be shocked if he didn't have it. I'm operating as though he does have it.

I've read lots of posts on here, and lots of them are about females with BPD. There may be no difference, but does anyone know about possible differences?

He is very verbally abusive when triggered (splitting) and so it was not possible for us to live together anymore. He became homeless, but he is now getting help (because of me and my direction) to getting some transitional housing.

I do notice that having boundaries is critical. I was afraid for many years to implement boundaries because I thought that he'd leave me. However, that is not the case.

Things are still hard, but much better since we don't live together.

Anyone else out there with a bpd boyfriend as opposed to girlfriend?

And anyone out there experience other people judging the fact that you are still with your bpd person? I feel that it is hard to be with them, but I simply don't want to leave the relationship. People just have a hard time understanding....

Thanks!!

Hi there Scapegoat,

I'm so sorry about the latest run-in with your mom.  To think she would do that after all you did for her sister just adds insult to injury.

You might think your mom lost her marbles, but I think it sounds exactly like BPD.  If you read these boards, you'll see that emotionally charged events such as family funerals and holidays are often triggers for pwBPD.  My guess is that they can't tolerate the high emotions of the moment, let alone the fact that attention is temporarily diverted away from them.  Add to that the stress of travel, logistics and interacting with many different family members, and it's a tinderbox for pwBPD.  My guess is that your mom was jealous of all the nice things that people said and did for her sister, taking it as an insult to herself!  She believes that every second that you spent arranging a nice funeral was a second of your attention and care "stolen" from your mom.  My other guess is that your mom felt that you love your aunt more than you love her.  So what does she do?  She complains, attacks or creates a scene to reclaim your attention.  And yes, she knows your trigger (fear of losing an inheritance), which she uses to control you, like her personal slave.  When you don't do exactly what she demands exactly when she wants it, well, you're going to PAY.  That all sounds like classic BPD to me.

It's possible that your mom is scared, too, because she has intense feelings about her own mortality.  If she was close to her sister, she might feel she was abandoned.  That too could trigger her.  But if I venture a guess, my sense is that your mom and her sister probably weren't very close, because of your mom's BPD.

If your mom seems to have suddenly "lost her mind," it's certainly possible, as she is elderly.  And yet my sense is that she's feeling guilt and shame, because she knows full well that she acted badly, and that she's lying about you to others.  This creates a cognitive dissonance, which her brain can't reconcile.  Sure, she'll create a victim narrative, blaming you.  But she needs you.  And she needs the rest of the family to see her as the righteous one.  That's my read of the situation.

I'm really sorry you had to go through all that.  I'm sure you've longed to have a "normal" relationship with your mom, and you're struggling with how to be a "good" daughter while protecting yourself.  You've had to deal with this sort of thing for a lifetime.  I'd say, if you are feeling bad about the whole ordeal, you deserve a break.  Try to do something nice for yourself, as soon as possible.

All my best to you.

You are far from alone in being the family scapegoat. The damage done to your mental and physical health during your life time is immeasurable. Do take time to feel your sadness over your mother's recent meltdown. She is using you to avoid being accountable for how she feels about herself.

In my large extended disordered family, there is at least one scapegoat in every generation along with many golden children enabled by the flying monkeys. I am the scapegoat of my generation. What has helped me the most was EMDR therapy and setting healthier boundaries with the whole family. I am a work in progress, though saddened by a lifetime of abuse, am in much better mental and physical health since I set limits on how much I would interact with the disordered family members.

There are many members here who understand what it is like to be a family scapegoat. Do post as often as you need to. I have been on this site for many years and am in a much better place than when I first became a member.