I've been separated/divorced for almost three years now and it still comes back from time to time.  I've learned to catch myself though and file it in the "don't think about this junk" category of my mind.  If I can't stop the thought pattern, I'll turn on the TV or a podcast just to have other noise in my head.  For me, the worst is always while I'm trying to fall asleep.

The more you focus on it, the more you'll question your actions.  That's not good since the past is set in stone.  There's nothing to change, nothing to fix.

I did get past it though and those thoughts maybe creep up a few times per year now.  Yet, the context has changed and I realize that my ex was sick and it made her very selfish in all aspects of life.  So even when I do catch myself in thought of the past, it's not about me anymore and that makes a huge difference.

That is a phenomonal analogy!  Well done sir.

How are you doing Bluebird?  Any updates?

The patterns you're describing fit BPD perfectly.  However, each person is an individual with unique thoughts and upbringing.  Some also have more traits than others and some of those traits are way more dominant.

My BPD daughter is a lot like your ex.  My BPD ex-wife is nothing like your ex.  Yet all three have BPD.

One more thing; BPD/NPD are like close cousins, so some of the traits overlap.  Some have one or the other with additional traits from the second category, some show dominant traits of both and could be diagnosed with both.

In any case, you did not cause this and you've been through absolute hell.  This is the time to focus on your own needs and mental health.  It's a time to heal and find yourself once again outside of the relationship.  I know it's impossibly hard because I've been there- my ex left me for another man after 23 years of marriage.  I felt all the same things and I fought for my marriage so hard at first.  Yet in time, I realized that it was a toxic situation and I had to move on for my own wellbeing.

Right now, this must be about you and you alone.  That's the path towards healing and it's what you desperately need.

OH that hits hard

I spent a lot of time feeling the way you do. Your care for him is obviously genuine and you want to help, and you want to make amends for any hurt you caused. This is genuinely kind.

The challenge is, he cannot receive this kindness due to his illness. He cannot handle the intensity of the feelings or balancing his feelings and yours.

I agree with others it’s better not to send the letter.

You are a caring person and also deserve healing. He is an adult, albeit an ill one. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.

I think the challenge now is to turn your compassion to yourself. Appreciate the love and care you offered him. Appreciate that he hurt and abused you. Understand you’re not perfect and it was a tough situation.

For those of us with CPTSD these relationships unfortunately tend to mirror our childhoods and bring up those wounds. That’s torture but at best it’s an opportunity to look with adult eyes at what we suffered as kids that caused our challenges.

In short - you can’t heal him, sadly. But you can help heal yourself.

Exactly right; the closer you are to them, the worse it gets. This is why they can appear perfectly normal to others who are less close to them and never see the meltdowns. Normally if someone likes you they'll treat you better than anyone else but with BPD the reverse is true. No wonder it's so frustrating!

Most family and friends of the BPD know there's something wrong though - I was warned about dating my ex by her own family, which should have been a huge red flag but of course at the start we're completely crazy about our seemingly perfect partner who matches us in so many ways.

How long have you been dating your ex, your posts don't say?

I’ve certainly noticed that with my ex, she was passive aggressive, highly critical and rude to me but very friendly and cheery with other people. I guess they reserve all of their _____ for their favorite person.

I wouldn’t say she was nasty to me the last time we spoke, just very short, indifferent and cold.. 

Yeah, I'm not expecting much, but I figured if there was a police report made that day regarding the accident, it could substantiate my claim and my daughter's claim of the incident.

a simple "Homeowner reports unknown vehicle hit their mailbox and drove away" would be something at least.  And any other details, such as "white SUV" would go a long way to confirming it, as well as subpoenaing any repairs or insurance claims she's had to make during that time

Probably the best option at the moment - you certainly can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Leave the ball in her court, at least for a while. Nothing wrong with sending her a brief 'hi, how you doing?' message after a while if you'd still like to keep the relationship going.

In the meantime, concentrate on yourself and your mental and physical well-being. We all know how thoroughly draining a BPD relationship can be. See friends, do hobbies and try to remember that you deserve a good life, not one of chaos and conflict. None of this is your fault, you were dealing with someone who sadly has a mental illness.

The 'Three C's' is often quoted here.. they are 'You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it'. Be kind to yourself.


As I said, it might be final and it may not be. BPD's are capable of saying the most hurtful and cruel things in the heat of the moment and then can wipe them from their mind and deny ever having said them. Quite scary when you think of it.

This is how they can verbally rip you to pieces then next day smile and act as if nothing had happened - because in their minds, it didn't. Having said that though, I've always believed they are far more aware of their actions than they would have us believe. My exBPD would be really nasty when it was just the two of us but then instantly be nice if people came around - this shows a certain level of self-control and premeditation.

Without professional treatment though, BPD is a repeating cycle. Every time my ex came back there was the brief 'nice' period where I thought 'this time things will be different'.. but of course this didn't last and the chaos would start all over again.

I think I’m getting worse and longer ptsd flashbacks to similar feelings from childhood. I haven’t had them this bad in a while. I think it’s due to the grief, and also feeling tired and depleted, which tends to be a trigger for me.

Thanks for holding this space, it gave me room to feel less self
Critical and acknowledge that I’ve been struggling some.