Flora and Fauna,
I'm so sorry this is the depth of your relationship with a daughter right now. You obviously love her very much. As Wantmorepeace just posted - this doesn't mean your relationship will always be this way. I too have to believe we are all growing.
Your post struck a chord with me and I'm pretty sure hundreds of others here.
My older swubpd also keeps me at arms length except when he's in crisis. In the last 6 months he has started to call to say hi and ask a few questions about me. I mostly carry the conversation. When I ask about him, I receive very short answers. He has told me he loves and hates me as he blames me for his struggles... He has rarely come to holidays,  though we host them all. He's gone to his girlfriends family's. In fact they were together 4yrs and we never met her. Like you my heart hurts. I believe maybe the space for him is a protection as I've been through the worst with him. In contrast, my younger son who doesn't  have bpd does come to family gatherings or over for a meal just with him. Our conversation are free flowing with us both sharing. I wish it were the same with my older son.
I'm glad you posted. Maybe to know you're not alone and to have a place to open your heart and heal.

Don't beat yourself up because of the nasty pushback.  Remember that she is disordered, so trying different strategies to see what could work makes some sense.  It's like a new parent that has to try different strategies with their little one in "terrible two's" to figure out what works for them and the child.  You're just trying things.  It's ok.  Don't beat yourself up for it, and there is no "wrong" decision.  Just different things to try.  It's early still, and time will tell how well/poorly this worked out. Then you can note it, and put it in the memory bank either way. Bottom line is you are doing your best in a difficult situation and learning how best to take care of yourself.  

Have you tried splashing your face with cold water?  That actually didn't work for me, so I filled the bathroom sink with cold water, took a big breath, and plunged my face in it for as long as I could stand it.  Remarkably, this worked quite well.  It kind of shocks your body to reconnect with the mind, and get out of your own head.

Another thing that works for me is physical activity - moderate to intense, or a long walk in nature (an old growth forest trail works miracles for me) or a walk on a tidal beach (it's the repetitive sound of the surf that does magic for the nervous system).

Hang in there WMP, these feelings will settle.  Just keep taking care of yourself, because that is what is needed for them to settle.

As for being anxiety ridden about when to connect.  You are focussing on the future.  Is that really helping you right now?  Ruminating about stuff from the past on what got you here isn't going to help either.  Focus instead on just the present - what you are doing to take care of yourself now, and your daily life.  

With help from my T's, I learned with time and practice that the time for me to reconnect was when I was feeling better (safe and back at baseline).  Reconnecting when we are stressed, or still resentful, angry, hurt or otherwise distressed, isn't the time.  Feel better first.  Does that make sense and seem reasonable?

 

There’s no one way to do this and you didn’t make a bad decision. It was a learning curve for me- I think there’s backlash to boundaries no matter what- and it’s hard to start doing things differently. It feels “wrong” because it is different from what we have been doing, but change isn’t perfect- it’s all learning. Although I share here what I learned - we learn from the experience.

It’s ok - really -  learning and changing.

I hope I'm replying the correct way to the kind person who replied to my post. Sometimes I don't seem to get the knack of replying within the forum.

Thank you for your kindness. It means a lot. Perhaps I shouldn't feel embarrassed, but trying to explain these feelings to folks with typical relationships (which may not be perfect but are so much less fraught with these sorts of things) is uncomfortable. I appreciate being able to admit the fragility of my relationship with my daughter, here.

Another question.  I want to handle the panic, desperate, emotional phone calls differently. I try to validate, and reason. But logic isn't operating at these times. So I eventually cave to help him calm down. Money, make a call, or whatever. 
Pook, you mentioned that you try to help your daughter calm down.  Any advice in how to do that?  I understand that I may need to end the call (for my peace). I guess I wish there were some suggestions that work for people who are disregulated to talk them down.

Thanks I'll try that !

CC43 is correct when she said an emotionally healthy mother would want her child to thrive. This is not the case for you, and it wasn't for me.

It's good that your mother has her house, but can she manage on her own there? It's also good that she has financial resources. However what can't be known is how she manages them and that isn't something you can control.

Some key questions here-
   How old is your mother?

   Is she on Medicare? Federal doesn't change from state to state but the supplements are state specific. It can be transfered from state to state but that needs to be done.

    Do you have a POA for her to do things on her behalf if you need to (and if she lets you).

   Zachira made a good point about consulting an elder law attorney for information. Understandable that this is too much of a toll on you, but knowing the state laws and what services are available for your mother is something you would want to know before you carry out your plan.

   I consulted one and it was worth the cost to do so. Although you are a lawyer- and there are also some lawyers in my circle to ask- Elder Law is state specific and this wasn't their specialty, or their state. I needed to consult a lawyer in my mother's state.

  In my mother's state, the law leans heavily on protecting the elder parent, not the children. So although she was the one who was abusive, there was nothing in place to protect the adult children.

  So, I think your plan to get your mother out of your house is understandable- for your own well being. I could not have emotionally handled this situation with my own mother. However, in her state, and at her age- such a claim would be hearsay, it carried no weight. It may be different in your mother's, but I think being aware of your mother's rights, and yours in her state, would be good to know if you haven't looked into that yet.

My person wbpd is not my child, so I can't speak to this exact situation.  But your posting touched me so much, I had to reach out and send you support.

I do understand that instinct to defend yourself against imagined accusations! That's part of it for me too.

Of course, I don't know you, but I have to believe that the things you describe having done facilitated the distance your daughter has come emotionally.  And I imagine that she -- like all of us actually -- is continuing to grow.  What is happening now may not always be the situation.

I've had problems with that too, JsMom.  What seems to be is that you click reply to the post, then the empty reply box comes up and the prior entries into the thread are below with directions at top right about "quotebox."

I had songs like that .. that i skip because of him .. but im adding this.  One to my list . Im really happy people are sharing them . Its awesome