"I am torn between being understanding of his pain and feeling totally rejected and mistreated."

You are being totally rejected and mistreated.

Hi Trony. It's been a while since you posted. Sending care and strength. Do you have any updates to share? Suicide threats are very traumatic to experience.

Hi KitKat,

I think you're right to feel angry and resentful.  And yet the tone of your overall message is one of calm resignation.  As I wrote that, it occurred to me that a synonym for calm resignation would be quiet quitting.  Maybe right now, the best thing for you is to quietly quit the relationship.  In the workplace, that term describes doing the bare minimum for the job description.  In your case, it could mean doing the bare minimum for daughterhood, in the name of protecting yourself first and foremost.  You deserve that.

You're right, at this point your mom isn't going to change for the better.  Chances are that she gets worse as she ages.  You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and if your mom isn't treating you right, then you can go ahead and minimize contact with her.  I'd say, try not to let her ruin your day.  Try not to let her take up more of your mental bandwidth than she deserves!

As for the FedEx pacakges and mean, waify messages, my approach would be to consider them as spam, because that's exactly what they are--an everyday nuissance.  Like Notwendy wrote, you can't get rid of spam, but you also shouldn't let it irritate you too much either.  Spam goes directly into the trash, after the most cursory glance.  Nevertheless, sometimes you might feel indignation that you're still getting spam, after all these years, and that's normal too!  When that happens to me--when I notice that little things are bothering me more than usual--I typically take a time out and do a little tidying, to simplify my life.  Sometimes that means blocking messages.  I clean out the piles of paper mail, my electronic inbox, my voicemails--all those little negative reminders nagging at me.  Maybe I'm weird, but taking out the trash (literally and electronically) is a satisfying chore to me.  Out of sight, out of mind (more or less).  Give yourself some grace and let the spam go.  That way, "dealing with Mom" and "dealing with FedEx package" can come right off your to-do list today.  OK?

Thank you for your thoughtful response, it’s very helpful.

I have a daughter in her 30’s whose alcoholic dad (my ex who passed several years ago) who alienated her from me post divorce. I’d also say she and I have other issues aside from the major issues he caused and she’s also BPD. Over the years I’ve learned how to greatly temper my reactions to her (she’s a lot like my mom but always far more ready for an argument with me or anyone else) and I’ve learned that sometimes no reaction is for the best. That situation and therapy is where I learned about not JADEing and other things which have been helpful dealing with her AND my mom. That being said,  I would love to tell her (mom) what I think but I know it would do no good. Like you mentioned, p*ssing in the wind.

I don’t think I’m up for repairing the relationship so likely no sense in saying much to her. Mom is in her 70’s and while I think people of all ages can change, I don’t think SHE can or even wants to. It’s always everyone else’s fault, she won’t get help, and she will become physically abusive if she, as she says, feels pushed and finally loses it. Again, never her fault. There have been 5-10 instances over only the last few years where both she and her BF should live been in jail and for her it’s always assault. For him it’s both that and alcohol issues. She will eventually get angry enough and boom, off she goes, then eventually go back to waify and weepy and blame her physical violence on whoever. Even her dead mother. Never herself. I am convinced she will never change or even attempt to. She hasn’t been to therapy in 18 years and the only time she goes is because of “someone else.”

It is understandable that you are frustrated and angry with all the antics of your mother with BPD. I have a sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) who never stops enlisting flying monkeys. It seems that when we have a disordered person in our lives who refuses to let go and respect our boundaries despite our being low contact or no contact, that are only choice is to limit how much this person rents space in our head. It is just insane that your mother would go to the lengths she does to get a package to you and others who do not want contact with her. The reality is we will likely never understand very well the behaviors of disordered people because the behaviors are so irrational, the actions of a crazy person.

I understand your frustration, being parentified at a young age and having to walk on eggshells and tolerate these disordered people.

I don't think there's one path to how we work these issues out for ourselves. You are angry- and that is where you are at. There's no one time frame for moving past this, and we can feel what we feel.

While it feels like not JADEing or not telling your mother what you think is something we do for them, it might help to reframe this as something you do for yourself, because, you don't want to put yourself through this- because it just doesn't work. So you can choose to not do something that takes your time and energy, it won't work, and it ultimately would leave you more upset and frustrated.

We are all human and there were times I "lost it" with BPD mother. I compared this to having p*ssing into the wind and having it all come back at you. It didn't register with BPD mother- she dissociated and projected it all back even more.

If we think about why we might JADE, or get angry at someone, it's because we hope to repair the relationship. We also decide how to express our feelings. If we are annoyed at a spouse leaving socks on the floor, we don't fly off the handle at them, but we can say "please pick up your socks, it bothers me to see them on the floor". The expected response is, maybe that spouse feels a bit annoyed but they also don't fly off the handle and they remember to pick up their socks.

For someone with BPD if we say this, they might fly off the handle and still leave the socks on the floor, so speaking to them is useless.

I know this is a trite example but if there's no way to communicate that is effective, then it's frustrating.

However, there ar other ways to relate and that is by actions. One can let the socks stay where they are, pile up, and then the person has no clean socks and may get the message.

Not reacting is an action.  To not JADE is to not react and that decreases the drama. Not engaging in circular discussions, not reacting- because if you do get angry, it shows they can still get a response from you. If they engage through drama, it doesn't give them any.

I think it will help you to reframe not JADEing as something done for you. You do have a voice but that voice is reserved for the people and situations you care about most, and this isn't one of them.

We can't control what someone else does. Anyone can mail a package to someone else. Yes, this is aggravating but you can't control what your mother decides to do. If it were me, I'd treat this like a mail ad or solicitation. We can't control those either. I'd open the package, on the chance there's something in there I might want. If not, depending on what it is, I might donate it, or if it's junk, toss it. Then, not respond at all, or if there's still a relationship- text a "thank you" and then don't engage more than is necessary.

Sometimes music can be too powerful. Play Billy Joel's 'An Innocent Man' from 1984 and it always makes me crash and burn because the lyrics related to my BPD g/f at the time.. her inability to trust anyone and how hard I tried to make her see I really was genuine. Have a listen, the lyrics really hit home, especially if you're with a BPD partner.

I have a section on my little media player with all the songs from '84 - '88 when I knew her, some will trigger the rare happy times and others will remind me of when she broke up with me yet again.  All those years ago yet I still play them and think of her, or at least I try to think of the happy times.

Sometimes I press 'skip' when Billy Joel comes on though

Hi Hopeful,

I agree with Notwendy's comment about a family dynamic where people fill different roles, to keep the peace or maintain the familiar status quo.

I have a slightly different take on the graduation.  It's possible that your BPD daughter was role playing, trying to look like the reasonable one, while making you out to be the villian.  She expected you to forget how she acted in the lead-up to the event.  Maybe she was putting on a little show in front of other family members, in an attempt to make you look and feel bad.  In the process she enlists some "allies" in the family--siblings, stepdad.  Even so, I would have done what you did--keep things cool, go with the flow, try not to look hurt by daughter's blocking/unblocking and organizing a separate graduation event that excluded parents.

By the way, the pwBPD in my life will appear to "pull herself together" for things she wants to do, and to others who don't know what she's been up to, she can appear to be "normal."  What's amazing to me is her ability to wield a temporary magic eraser, and wipe the slate clean, when hours earlier, she was a total mess and/or behaving badly.  An example would be spending days in the hospital after a violent, total meltdown and suicide attempt, and then the day after release, wanting to go on a trip, while pretending that everything has snapped back to normal.  Sometimes, other family members will proffer a revisionist history ("She didn't mean it, she was upset, she said she wouldn't do it again"), which might make them feel good as they minimize the dysfunction and their own anxiety, while they live in denial about the pwBPD's real issues.  Other times, family members might have their own form of PTSD, and be living in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which clouds their judgment.  They too operate in survival mode, just trying to keep the peace.  Basically, they've learned to do whatever the pwBPD wants, because there will be hell to pay if they don't.  Yet that doesn't stop the pwBPD from being conniving, convincing others that what she wants was somebody else's idea (e.g. to have a sibling-only dinner to celebrate graduation).

I totally get where you're coming from, in feeling that BPD is straining your relationship with your spouse.  I have the same issue.  For me, the primary souce of strain is the general chaos (emotional, logistical, financial) that BPD causes.  But there's a secondary reason, which is that my spouse tends to take his stress out on me.  Mostly this looks like trying to control me, and I think it's because he feels so out of control when dealing with his adult BPD daughter.  There's some blaming from time to time as well--for example, he'll say his daughter doesn't feel welcome in our home because of me.  But there's a third reason for marital strain, which is that we often don't see eye-to-eye on how to handle BPD behaviors.  This is for different reasons, and I'll share some of my thoughts here:

--My husband pays a lot of attention to mood, whereas I tend to look for actions.  So if my BPD stepdaughter is in a nasty mood most of the time but gets up in the morning and is generally doing what she's supposed to be doing, such as attending college classes, then I'm OK with that.  But my husband would rather see her happy, even if she sleeps all day and uses marijuana.

--Obviously neither of us wants to see BPD daughter suffer, but I think that some "suffering," as in temporary setbacks and discomfort, are necessary for learning and adulting.  My husband is more of a "snowplow" parent and tries to remove challenges for his daughter.  I'm a believer in natural consequences, while he's a believer in minimizing stress for his daughter.  There's a balance there.  This is about understanding the line between supporting and enabling, and it's a tough line to draw.  I also think that the line needs to move sometimes.  Support vs. enablement at age 19 looks different at age 23 and at age 27.

--Much of the marital stress emerges when adult BPD daughter is living with us, which has happened on and off over the span of several years.  In the vast majority of that time, my adult BPD stepdaughter has not been studying, working or helping out one bit in the household.  I just think it's not acceptable to provide room and board for an adult who has zero resposibilities, less than what a normal kindergartener would have!  It's not fair to the other family members (including siblings) who are contributing, and it's not good for the pwBPD in my opinion, because it feeds into her feelings of worthlessness and alienation.  If she doesn't contribute anything at home, and she's not doing anything other than sleeping and consuming entertainment on screens, how can she possibly feel like part of the family?  How can she feel good about life if she's rotting in bed and being mean to the family?  After a few weeks of this life, my pwBPD would feel worthless and hopeless, and she'd lash out.  However my husband wouldn't enforce house rules.  He'd say, She's an adult, I can't force her to do anything.  What do you want me to do, assault her?  (Note the black-and-white, extreme thinking in my husband there.)  And I'd say, Why do you frame a relationship with daughter in terms of assault?  Of course you can have some house rules while she's living under our roof.  She should be working on herself full-time (through some combination of therapy, study and work), act respectfully and help us out around the house, just like we do, every day.  Then he'd say, She won't do that, and what do you want me to do, kick her out and let her live on the street?  (Black-and-white thinking again, tinged with fear and obligation.)

Anyway, the issues are complex and long-term.  The way I've gotten through this with BPD stepdaughter is knowing that she has taken therapy seriously.  Her life today looks much healthier than it did in her early 20s.  While she still struggles, especially with interpersonal relationships, she's not attempting suicide anymore, and she's not lashing out nearly as much as she used to.  As for my husband, I have dealt with many disagreements, blaming and controlling behavior because underneath it all is someone who truly loves his daughter.  He has gone above and beyond to try to help her.  It's just that, with BPD, conventional help doesn't seem to work.  He is a great dad though.  He tries, and he doesn't give up.  I guess I'm saying that I can agree to disagree over how to deal with BPD daughter because it's so complicated, but we're both coming from a place of love.  I just have more of a tough love approach, maybe because I'm not as deep into the FOG as my husband is.

I’ve posted here about my elderly mom diagnosed with BPD (diagnosed in 2008, no treatment outside of a couple appointments in 2008) before. She and her alcoholic BF are in an unhealthy relationship where he has taken it upon himself to be a flying monkey and to punish my husband and I for needing and taking space. We’ve been LC to completely estranged for the past couple of years.

Mom crashes out around holidays and other significant dates, one of which is coming up soon. They are not allowed here because of their increasingly aggressive and abusive behavior. They also physically abuse one another and I want nothing to do with the possibility they would try that approach with us.

Regarding not being allowed here, I have a FedEx account associated with my address and yesterday I receive an email that an item from the third party  “small town we will ship it however you’d like” store located a short distance away from my house. A 5lb package to arrive here today. She uses these small retailers to ship to people who’d rather not hear from her (people she’s estranged from) because of the way they ship it; she pays cash for shipping costs and the sender info is the name of the store rather than her own name. One time she shipped her former best friend she hadn’t seen in 30+ years a bunch of old items (junk from an old moving box) I’m sure her old friend couldn’t have cared less about. Did the same with one of her ex husbands she hasn’t seen since 2006. I once told my mom this is “ambush contact” and she should leave people from her past alone. Particularly those who have specifically told her to leave them alone.

I am angry and unsettled about this FedEx thing and not sure what to do with my feelings. I have another very problematic relative (also dx’d BPD) who I’ve managed to create great distance from over the last several years, it’s been helpful. I’m in my late 50’s and feel like I’ve been an adult since the third grade. I have no one reliable in my personal life other than my husband (who I’m thankful for) and the petty part of me would love to give my mom a piece of my mind. I know I shouldn’t be JADE’ing but in my mind it seems like it would be satisfying to tell her how weird and screwed up it is to use FedEx to send me something that first has to travel 150 miles before coming back to the same town it started in - she and I live in the same zip code. If confronted, she’d tragically waif and wax poetic about “just wanting to love” me and regardless of the outcome she and her BF, by the next day or week, will be swerving at us in traffic while giving us the finger.

As a kid I had no voice and now in my 50’s and by virtue of how to handle someone with a diagnosis of BPD, I still have no voice. Shouldn’t JADE, can’t have an adult conversation with someone who doesn’t function like an adult, can’t be the slightest bit harsh because she’ll split and there will be h*ll to pay for me and everyone else.

Therapy, which I’ve been to a lot of, doesn’t seem to get me past being angry. At least it hasn’t been linear progress. I hate the passive aggressive stuff like the FedEx thing (she’s sending whatever it is for herself and her frantic needs, has got nothing to do with me) and also can’t stand weepy, waify behavior. Continually taking up with abusive and disordered men who she expects we treat like family. Now I’ve fawned and tolerated her behavior for a long time and I think I burned myself out on wanting any relationship with her at all, not even low contact.

... and that might never happen (a partner with both fantasy and capacity). And i am not sure if i even want it to. I find myself more interesting alone, am more alive to life in some ways.