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It has been quite a while since I last posted. My stepdaughter-in-law is the one with BPD, and many of my previous posts discussed the family dynamics surrounding that situation. For anyone unfamiliar with the background, there is a recent history (2 years) of estrangement, conflict, and periods of no contact. I'm posting because I am becoming increasingly concerned about my stepson's mental health based on recent communications he had with his half-sister, which she shared with my husband and me.
My husband has been estranged from his son for nearly two years. During that entire time, my husband continued to reach out periodically, if only to say "I love you" and remind his son that he would always be there if needed. He never pushed, never demanded a response, and tried very hard to follow his son's lead.
Last October there seemed to be a glimmer of hope. After a year of silence, my stepson reached out asking to meet. The meeting went reasonably well, and afterward they began messaging occasionally. His son would send pictures of our grandson, share updates about his tattoo work, check in from time to time, and eventually let my husband know that he and his wife were expecting another baby.
However, the relationship remained entirely through messenger. There were no phone calls, no visits, and no attempts to spend time together. Still, my husband remained patient and hopeful.
A few months ago, their second son was born. My stepson sent photos of the baby, and my husband congratulated both parents and wished them well. A few days later, my husband's youngest daughter asked him why he had blocked his son. My husband was shocked because he had never blocked him and never would. The daughter explained that she had run into her brother, who told her that "Dad blocked me."
My husband checked his messages and discovered that the photos his son had sent had been removed and that the messages he had sent after the birth had not been opened. We were completely confused. My husband continued reaching out with no response.
Then, two days before Father's Day, his son messaged asking if he wanted to go fishing. Unfortunately, my husband already had plans but told him he would love to go another day. That message still has not been opened.
For additional context, when my stepson cut off my husband and me, he also cut off both of his half-sisters. He occasionally bumps into the younger sister because they live in the same small town, but he completely cut off his older sister, despite her attempts to reach out over the past two years.
Yesterday, the older sister contacted him because she is pregnant and wanted to share her news with him. She also told him that she missed him and did not understand why he had cut her out of his life.
His response shocked all of us.
He expressed tremendous anger, saying that she had only reached out a few times as though that wasn't enough. He talked about how dysfunctional the family is, said that their father never wanted any of his children, and stated that he needs to protect his own children from his father and me. He said that my husband's youngest son, who died from an overdose a few years ago, died alone because the family abandoned him. This is simply not true. Everyone tried repeatedly to help him.
He also blamed his father for not being there enough during childhood. My husband freely admits that he was not father of the year when his children were young. He was young himself and often worked two jobs to provide for the family. He acknowledges his mistakes and has taken responsibility for them.
I can only speak to what I have personally witnessed during the past 12 years that I have been part of this family. During that time, I have seen a father who loves his children deeply, who has always been there for them no matter what, and who would do absolutely anything for them. I have watched him support them emotionally, financially, and practically whenever they needed him, often putting their needs ahead of his own. While I understand that his children may have memories from earlier years, the man I have known for the past 12 years has been a devoted father who loves his children unconditionally.
My stepdaughter responded with kindness and empathy while also gently challenging some of his statements. She told him that his feelings were valid but that he could not continue blaming their father for everything. She told him that she missed the brother she used to know, that the person responding to her did not feel like the brother she remembered, and that she hoped he would seek help to work through his anger. She ended by telling him she loved him.
His responses only became angrier. She told me that while she wishes him well, she feels she now has closure.
My husband read the messages and is devastated. He feels that after two years of being cut off, then having hope that things were improving, only to be cut off again without explanation, this latest situation may simply be too much for him emotionally.
He lost one son to addiction and death. Now he feels as though he has lost another son by choice.
I don't know whether this level of anger is related to unresolved childhood issues, guilt over his brother's death, influence from his wife with BPD, possible depression, or something else entirely. The anger seems far bigger than the original conflict that led to the estrangement.
At this point, my husband feels he may need to step back for his own emotional well-being, but doing so feels like giving up on his son.
Has anyone experienced this kind of prolonged estrangement combined with extreme anger and rewriting of family history? Did your loved one eventually come back? And how do you come back from this?
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