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 91 
 on: August 15, 2026, 12:37:35 PM  
Started by wantmorepeace - Last post by wantmorepeace
My daughter tried to email something conciliatory but true to my swupbd.  My sister responded angrily to her and cc'ed me, violating (not surprisingly) the boundary I had established, i.e., that I don't want to be involved in their conflict.

The surprising part was how calmly I reacted.  I had a brief moment of "What now?" but the intensity of the emotional tweak was much less than it has been in similar situations in the past. It also came down quickly. I didn't even notice at first and when I did I was so surprised.  My T, reading, "talking" to you all and reading your stories, etc. are helping.  I am truly grateful.

I'm not responding. I'm sad but fine.

 92 
 on: August 15, 2026, 12:29:53 PM  
Started by 15years - Last post by wantmorepeace
Quote from: PeteWitsend on August 14, 2026, 10:52:37 AM
Like getting on a hamster wheel, or Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, thinking this time will be different.

Charlie Brown analogy really hits home.

 93 
 on: August 15, 2026, 12:19:41 PM  
Started by DownAndOut90 - Last post by DownAndOut90
Quote from: Under The Bridge on August 15, 2026, 03:31:25 AM
Yes, there were frequent breakups but always initiated by her. First time was only after a few weeks, when she just walked right past me as I was waiting for her for a night out. That came as quite a shock, especially as I'd never heard of BPD before. I put it down to moodiness and insecurity.

Turned out she'd had a bad day at work, decided I wouldn't be happy with that for some reason so she breaks up with me before, in her mind, I break up with her. That's how a BPD mind can work - seeing things which just aren't there. We were broke up for a few months, though she still came into the pub to make sure I could see she was there. Premeditation, she knew exactly what she was doing.

After me chasing her and us getting back together, that was just one of many meltdowns by her for various reasons, none of them being my fault. Argument with her mother? Break up with me. Getting beat at pool? Break up with me. I talk to the barmaid for too long in her opinion? Break up with me. I'm sure you've experienced similar.

4 years of this but her last meltdown was the one that made me call it quits and I never contacted her again. She was worse than ever, saying the most ridiculous things and she seemed close to getting violent which I'd never seen before. Maybe I was finally seeing the true person and it wasn't something I was prepared to continue with, not matter how much I still cared for her.
My ex and I only broke up once and two months later we are still not together.  She has push/pulled me for the last two months, popping in and out, saying she misses and loves me then pushing me away.  

She broke up with me because she thought I was never going to move in or get married, we didn’t even make it to our one year anniversary, I was shooting for 1.5-2 years of dating before I proposed, she has two kids as well which complicated things.  She had an issue with my ADD time blindness; I was pretty good about being on time for specific events, but struggled if there were no set plans or it was open ended.  She wanted to go golfing and boating and tanning, and I was not outdoorsy like that but was willing to compromise on it and get out of my comfort zone.

My ex was more of a quiet BPD, she wasn’t as outward as your ex.  She accused me of cheating a lot, one time I was stopping home to eat, when I got in my car I called my guy friend back and took a photo of my neck to see if I had any blood from when I shaved it early and she accused me of calling a woman to meet at my house and said I was snapping her.  

I just miss her tbh. I’m beating myself up over my mistakes and wish we were still together.

When you were broken up for a few months did she initiate it and how much were you guys in contact during that time?  How did you guys get back together?

 94 
 on: August 15, 2026, 11:25:07 AM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by Ashesanddust
Yeah that is all very true. I am notoriously excellent at being super hard on myself.  At first he was calling and texting/ emailing nonstop and now he's just gone. I feel crazy for feeling blindsided. Like, of course this is how this was all going to play out. I just had so much hope and faith. Heard it gets better with age.  That it is curable or at least can become much more manageable. Wanted so badly to help him get there. I just was being treated as if I didn't matter at all and I was asking for the bare minimum. I know there is no logic. I know crazy makes crazy. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. I regret trusting certain people. Yes I am a human who was pushed to extremes but I still beat myself up for failing so epically. And i miss the good times and I miss his dog. It's all so sad.

 95 
 on: August 15, 2026, 09:27:02 AM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by CC43
Quote from: Ashesanddust on August 15, 2026, 08:52:02 AM
That he could delete every single thing we shared together. Is it all just because it hurts him too much? Or is it because he has decided that if am a monster?

I think you're onto something here.  He tries to erase you from his life because it hurts him too much to think about it.  He can't stand to admit that he played a huge role in creating chaos, because the shame eats away at him.  It's easier to tell himself that you're a monster--to blame you, instead of take responsibility.

While it's typical for pwBPD to cut you out and enter a period of estrangement, it's also typical for them to re-engage.  Usually when they re-engage, (i) they pretend like nothing happened, and (ii) it's usually because they need something.  The needs might vary from person to person, but if you read these boards, typically they need emotional support and/or money/housing/logistical help.

Just my two cents.

 96 
 on: August 15, 2026, 09:26:44 AM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by Pook075
Quote from: Ashesanddust on August 15, 2026, 08:52:02 AM
That he could delete every single thing we shared together. Is it all just because it hurts him too much? Or is it because he has decided that if am a monster?

If you want raw honesty, it's a little of both.  BPDs run from the pain and often lash out while doing so.  They can't stand to admit fault, even though they know that they played a part, because it eats them up inside and makes them wonder what the heck is wrong with them.  So if he has to choose between focusing on you (which hurts), himself (which hurts more), or some new girl that is giving him positive attention (which feels great), it's a pretty easy choice to make.  Run from your problems, blame others, and live a happy new life (until that falls apart and you're doing it all over again).

Did you do things wrong?  Yes, you're human and we all make mistakes.  But you shouldn't focus on that because you didn't make the kind of mistakes that makes it okay to cheat on someone, spy on them, give them no privacy, be verbually abusive, etc.  You must see that and accept it for what it really is. 

You were dating someone unstable and they treated you badly.  I fully understand how much it hurts for the relationship to fall apart, but you did your best and you will learn from this experience. 

 97 
 on: August 15, 2026, 08:52:02 AM  
Started by Ashesanddust - Last post by Ashesanddust
I know that i have a particularly high threshold when it comes to being abused which is not a good thing at all. But it does tend to skew my view and downplay how bad things can get at times. He definitely does have bpd, no question. I am trying to figure out  just how bad his is. What kind of abuse did ya'll put up with?
He was still calling and texting at first and then just fully disappeared which is also probably for the best but I can't help but feel angry that he could just cut me out of his life like that. That he could delete every single thing we shared together. Is it all just because it hurts him too much? Or is it because he has decided that if am a monster?

 98 
 on: August 15, 2026, 03:31:25 AM  
Started by DownAndOut90 - Last post by Under The Bridge
Yes, there were frequent breakups but always initiated by her. First time was only after a few weeks, when she just walked right past me as I was waiting for her for a night out. That came as quite a shock, especially as I'd never heard of BPD before. I put it down to moodiness and insecurity.

Turned out she'd had a bad day at work, decided I wouldn't be happy with that for some reason so she breaks up with me before, in her mind, I break up with her. That's how a BPD mind can work - seeing things which just aren't there. We were broke up for a few months, though she still came into the pub to make sure I could see she was there. Premeditation, she knew exactly what she was doing.

After me chasing her and us getting back together, that was just one of many meltdowns by her for various reasons, none of them being my fault. Argument with her mother? Break up with me. Getting beat at pool? Break up with me. I talk to the barmaid for too long in her opinion? Break up with me. I'm sure you've experienced similar.

4 years of this but her last meltdown was the one that made me call it quits and I never contacted her again. She was worse than ever, saying the most ridiculous things and she seemed close to getting violent which I'd never seen before. Maybe I was finally seeing the true person and it wasn't something I was prepared to continue with, not matter how much I still cared for her.

 99 
 on: August 15, 2026, 12:14:38 AM  
Started by DownAndOut90 - Last post by DownAndOut90
Quote from: Under The Bridge on August 14, 2026, 05:51:41 PM
Sometimes they just 'switch off'; there's doesn't have to be arguments or a big meltdown, they just simply act as if they've never known you. My ex would simply close off at times and I never knew whether she was genuinely doing it as a result of her illness or if she was just playing some premeditated game. I suspect a bit of both.

I wish we could offer definite advice like 'if you do X then it will result in Y' but with BPD it's impossible. They never know how their emotions are going to run at any given moment so how can we ever know and take the right action?

I never knew if my ex was even going to turn up most of the time or whether something had happened at her work or family that day which she would blame me for and not turn up. She would break up with me and threaten to see other guys if she lost a game of pool (which she was brilliant at but a very bad loser made worse by her BPD).

Did you guys ever break up?  If so, for how long?  It was also my birthday recently and she did not text me to wish me a happy birthday.

 100 
 on: August 14, 2026, 05:51:41 PM  
Started by DownAndOut90 - Last post by Under The Bridge
Quote from: DownAndOut90 on August 14, 2026, 01:17:52 PM
About a year.  The thing that worries me is that she seemed not upset or emotional,  just apathetic, indifferent disinterested in talking to me and just left me on read when I told her I’d like to see her in person to talk.

Sometimes they just 'switch off'; there's doesn't have to be arguments or a big meltdown, they just simply act as if they've never known you. My ex would simply close off at times and I never knew whether she was genuinely doing it as a result of her illness or if she was just playing some premeditated game. I suspect a bit of both.

I wish we could offer definite advice like 'if you do X then it will result in Y' but with BPD it's impossible. They never know how their emotions are going to run at any given moment so how can we ever know and take the right action?

I never knew if my ex was even going to turn up most of the time or whether something had happened at her work or family that day which she would blame me for and not turn up. She would break up with me and threaten to see other guys if she lost a game of pool (which she was brilliant at but a very bad loser made worse by her BPD).

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