I did, and that went over very badly.  I should have kept it to myself and waited for our doctor to mention it to her.  In fact, I think that's what brought me to this forum...the informal diagnosis and the conversation I had with my ex afterwards.



We had a BPD/bipolar kid at home who was always in crisis, always ready to run away or kill herself, and always fighting us for everything in life.  Things were very off from like age six forward and every single day was some type of challenge the average family doesn't deal with. 

So for me, I saw something very off with my wife from the early years, but then it suddenly became all about the oldest kid who's always in crisis mode.  Looking back, I can see where many of my wife's responses or decisions were very off too, and it probably made raising a BPD much harder than it had to be. 

But I never had time to stop and think if my wife had mental illness or not.  We were just too busy walking on eggshells and surviving whatever aftermath came from our oldest kid.



She ended up marrying that guy and her job is caring for his handicapped son.  My kids frequently tell me she's still always anxious and stressed out over something, but I didn't ask for any details.  All her focus seems to be on the handicapped step-son and caring for him though, so that breakup would be super complicated for her.  Time will tell if it can last, but I'd guess that she would try to stay no matter what.

As far as their husband/wife relationship, I have no idea and I don't care.  I hope they're happy together.

Hi Inforthewin,

.....It sounds all too familiar.

I now have 3gc. Eldest 2 gc b/f is a loser. New partner I have never met.

Makes me wonder what my  udd has told this new partner (5yrs r/s)) as none of my family have ever met him and he has never reached out to any of us.

Childcare was always an issue. udd would turn up at my home unannounced  just as I was going to bed knowing that I had work saying she was tired. Too tired to stay and spend the night here with gc when offered but not too tired to drive back home to spend the night alone??? I knew that it was an excuse to hook up but at least the gc were safe with me.
Then If udd was not happy with me(often the lack of childcare or not doing something she expected to be done without vocalising it, the jealousy and endlessly reminding me that they are HER children and not mine) it was straight to estrangement.
Once she continued visiting her friend across the street from my home making sure I could see her car and the gc going in and out of the friends home during an estrangement. So cruel. 

I think it is only a matter of time before the father and stepmom get a dose of what is going on as so often happens and they will eventually come to you. Afterall you know where they live.

Your udd  seems to have landed a good one from a good family. Her partner is in a good job and she is presently well taken care of which is good news and I think it is time to take some financial control back. Chances are your udd will never do any study/ courses while her main focus is only on being with a man 24/7. The same has been for my udd31 who has only ever had 1 paid job that last 2wks before she was sacked because she refused to do the things she was actually employed to do.

As I said on your other post going NC is a personal decision. I think there is often a lot more to consider when gc are on the way because it pulls at our heartstrings but the FOG often keeps us stuck longer than necessary, but NC also allows us to draw a final mark under it when all our boundaries have been crossed and LC has not worked.

Hi Win,

I understand you're stressed out worrying about your dysregulated daughter, and now about her bringing a life into this world when she doesn't seem able to care for herself very well, while she's acting abusively towards you, her biggest ally on the planet.  If your nurse friend is suggesting no contact, I bet that's because they see how desperate the situation really is, and they're trying to be supportive by placing your interests first and foremost.  As a mom, you're probably accustomed to placing your daughter's interests first, and now you have to think about a grandchild on top of that; your natural inclination is to put yourself last.  It sounds to me like you have a good friend who's concerned about you, even if you decide not to follow the well-meaning advice.

To your daughter, getting pregnant might seem like a solution to all her problems:  she gets someone to love her unconditionally, she gets attention, and maybe she avoids figuring out how to support herself, because she assumes others will step up.  With her black-and-white thinking, being pregnant feels all white right now.  Maybe she genuinely wants to be a mom.  But since she's 19, she probably underestimates how difficult it is, yet she doesn't care--she wants all the joy and attention and none of the burden at the moment.  It's no surprise that she's upset when you don't seem to be over the moon--she was probably expecting attention, adoration, a shower with lots of presents, and an upgraded living situation.

I haven't been in your situation, though from time to time I've feared that my adult stepdaughter with BPD might try to get pregnant.  She can't support herself independently right now, and she abandoned a beloved pet for months--I think she couldn't possibly take care of a child in her current situation.  She can function a few months at a time, but then she tends to have meltdowns and need extensive support (plus long "vacations" from real life) to get herself back on track.  Adding a baby to this situation would only complicate matters by an order of magnitude.

I understand that going no contact seems extreme, especially for someone so young.  If you are often reeling from how poorly your daughter treats you, there might be a middle ground of low contact.  One way to do this would be to reach out on a schedule--say, once or twice a week--at a time and in a manner that is least disruptive to you.  Maybe it's a coffee together, a call on your way to work, or a facetime when you're on a walk.  You could adopt the stance that you're emotionally supportive, but you don't provide a monthly stipend or housing, because you're both adults now and live your own lives.  You have your own budget and living arrangements, just like your daughter has her own budget and living arrangements.  How does that sound?

Maybe that made her feel as if she were in the wrong, and she thought you would dump her because of her addiction, so she took initiative before you, also to get rid of her own toxic shame.


I think that would be giving her too much credit that she has a conscience. What followed was a year of manipulation to get me to go round her house and sleep with her behind her boyfriends back. The last time she even talked about leaving him and coming home. In fact, she said she had finished with him, but then backed out on coming home because she thought I would discard her in revenge.

I believe she is still on drugs, she has admitted doing it with him once, only for me to catch her coming out of another drug dealers a few weeks later. Drugs and money, that’s her meal ticket.

And! When I think about it: In the past he also said, that I have cheated on him, because I spent a christmas with my ex, what is not true.

The real story is that I picked up my son from my ex, who was working at a Christmas market and had my son with him. My ex is my son's father and it was Father's Weekend. ) But a really big problem is the distortion of reality. That has often driven me to despair. Using THAT as a counterargument for the Facebook thing left me speechless.

I forgot: As a boundary I did, what SuperDaddy suggested: I told him, that I‘m out of contact as long as he does it.

It worked for a while…

That sounds very familiar! My partner does the same thing on Facebook. He often likes selfies of random women with hugging emojis or even writes comments like ‘stunning!’ – but as far as I know, he doesn't meet up with these women in person. They are often very far away.

He does it particularly intensively when he has had an argument with me.
He then posts new selfies of himself every day – beaming with smiles! – and ‘collects’ hearts from his ladies.

I think it's about compulsive contact for self-affirmation and not really about a desire for a relationship with these women. It makes him feel „seen“ and he tries to fill the deep black empty hole inside of himself.

I've brought it up with him several times because I find it so hurtful. He then completely freaks out, calls me ‘controlling’ and lets me know that it's my own fault because I always withdraw from our relationship, even though HE is constantly working on it. (He conveniently forgets that I withdraw because he is constantly highly emotionally abusive towards me.)

Hi Rowdy ,


It's common for many other disorders to co-occur (to be comorbid). For instance, about 25% of people with BPD also get the NPD diagnosis. But what you describe matches with BPD in my opinion.

The BPD will incentivize people to do lots of "bad" stuff, which can be inappropriate, destructive, self-sabotaging, etc. Part of that "bad" stuff may violate the basic principles of dignity, which means the disorder will try to corrupt their character. Then it depends on how strong their values are and how strongly the disorder pushes them to do the "bad" stuff, such as promiscuity. Some of the negative actions they take while dysregulated will be regretted once they return to a normal state, but certain behaviors may become normalized, leading to an escalation of those behaviors.

My point is that a tug-of-war exists between two distinct parts of them. It is their character strength fighting against the disorder's strength.

In this sense, the relationship between BPD and promiscuity can be compared to the relationship between PD (pedophilic disorder) and child sexual offenders. Here are the facts:

• Prevalence of PD is around 3% of the population (source).
• Not all PD individuals are offenders. They are known as "nonoffending pedophiles" (source).
• Only 20% of the individuals convicted of sexual crimes against children and/or adolescents present characteristics that meet the pedophilic disorder diagnostic criteria" (source).
• Only 8% of reported contemporary child sexual assault incidents resulted in a proven charge, and 85% of reported sexual assaults had no legal action at the police investigation stage (source).

Likewise, not all people that were born with the genes of a psychopath will end up committing crimes. The story of James H. Fallon is a well-documented example. He was "saved" because he was adopted by a healthy couple and had healthy siblings.

So my point is that a pwBPD will always need some sort of contingency, internal or external. The internal contingency comes from their principles and their guilt/shame. The external contingency comes from enforced external consequences, such as the boundaries enforced by their partners or the law enforcement.


Maybe that made her feel as if she were in the wrong, and she thought you would dump her because of her addiction, so she took initiative before you, also to get rid of her own toxic shame.

Hi there,

I'm sorry that the constant reassurances don't seem to work with your loved one.  It sounds to me like she's excessively dysregulated, and she can't hear anything you have to say.  Even if she listens, her brain is going to interpret your meaning the wrong way when she's like that--she'll probably find that you're being argumentative and invalidating.  That's why you'll see on these boards a recommendation not to JADE--justify, argue, defend or explain.  Her emotions are overpowering, they have hijacked her brain in that moment.

Anyway, when your wife is accusing you of being mad at her, and generally not supporting her enough, it may be a projection of her own anger and resentment.  On the other hand, it's very possible that she's just trying to pick a fight, so she can unleash her pent up anger onto you.  My guess is she's looking for "evidence" of ill treatment, even if there was none intended.  You see, she wants to bolster her narrative of being victimized, mistreated and disliked, to keep her identity of unfortunate/unloved/abused(?) woman intact.  She might experiment with new evidence on a daily basis--accusing you of not helping her in the car, not paying attention to her, pulling away, whatever.  Deep down she probably knows she's being unreasonable--she'll stonewall you whenever you try to defend yourself, and probably give you the silent treatment for a while--but eventually her feelings become overpowering, compelling her to air her grievances, and maybe get a false confession or concession out of you in the process.  After a time of not getting attention from you because of her self-imposed silent treatment, she decides to make a scene, to unleash her anger and reclaim your attention.  Throwing a fit is perversely working for her, even if it seems to make both of you miserable.

The pwBPD in my life would similarly "manufacture" grievances out of seemingly nothing.  One example was accusing a beloved aunt of mistreating her and being condescending.  Why?  Because the aunt offered her niece some water!  The next day, the niece "tested out" this grievance with a nasty text:  How dare you treat me like a baby!  Like I couldn't get water all by myself!  But the more she ruminated about the water, the more dysregulated she became, and she ultimately threatened violence, as well as cut her aunt completely out of her life (an amped-up version of the silent treatment you describe).  But since I knew what else was going on in her life, I understood that the water incident had nothing to do with water, and everything to do with an unrelated disappointment.  The day after her visit with her aunt, the pwBPD in my life found out she didn't get the career break that she wanted.  She felt incapable, desperate, unable to cope as an adult should.  And she took out all her anger on her poor aunt, with the "trigger" being treated like a "baby."  This was all just projection of her own obsession and ill thoughts about being "stuck" living like a teenager and not getting what she wanted.  Maybe it was equal parts projection and deflection.  Anyway, this negative and distorted thinking pattern, combined with a compulsion to let out misplaced anger, and the general maladaptive means of coping with stress and disappointments is very typical of BPD in my experience.  My strong opinion is that daily marijuana exacerbates the situation.

Anyway, you mentioned quiet BPD.  I understood that people with "quiet" BPD tend to blame themselves most of the time.  Their anger tends to directed more inward than outward.  I think the pwBPD in my life fits the petulant BPD subtype, characterized by high irritability, intense mood swings, high demandingness/neediness, lots of anger and misplaced blame, and passive-aggressive behaviors.

Hope that perspective with lived experience helps.

What a strange situation. So he's been actively emotionally cheating on you the entire relationship, yet you seem to be ok with it because you have access to his phone? Has a single status on FB and deleted you? These are very horrible things that most people would immediately end a relationship over.

Why do you stay, because of the child? I assume you are hurt by all of this and are not ok with it. Like SuperDaddy said, at this point you should remove yourself...