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For the next 45 minutes, she spoke non-stop and it was like the paragraph I wrote above about the sandwich. Just one random thing after another, and ever 5-10 words we were on a completely different topic. Something that happened when she was 8, then what happened at work yesterday, then when I wouldn't buy her a car after she wrecked her 2nd one, then someone that bullied her in high school. It went on and on and on, and my brain was literally screaming inside.
I didn't stop her though and let her ramble. Truthfully, I'm glad I did because I felt like for the first time, I actually understood what it's like to have BPD. Her mind couldn't focus and it bounced from one thing to another, then to another thing, then back to a few words she said 15 minutes earlier. It was maddening and I could feel myself going insane from the onslaught of words...until it dawned on me that my kid felt this way the entire time she's disordered.
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I don't see this the same way. I don't think they're unable to focus, and I don't think the incoherent rants and misremembered history is a sign their mind is sick. I think it's simply another avoidance technique, and reminds me of a debate strategy called the "Gish Gallop" which was basically throwing out so many "arguments" to support one's position that the opponent couldn't refute them all, at which point one could claim to have "won" and move on. Each argument didn't have to be logical or even true, there just had to be enough of them to overwhelm the opponent and dominate the conversation.
If you're in a discussion, and you know you're in the wrong, it's better to try to go from a discussion to a "debate" where you can "win" and then claim you're in the right and the other person is therefore "wrong" and short circuit the whole thing. Just another way to avoid responsibility. I feel like all of us endured that sort of situation, where you naively tried to get the pwBPD to stop doing something, or apologize, only to be met with a flurry of angry denials, counter-accusations, excuses, complete fabrications, etc. And then instead of focusing on what you were upset with, you're trying to defend yourself, and the pwBPD has derailed the conversation to avoid any accountability for their actions and shifted the blame to you, and something you supposedly did or didn't do that caused them to behave the way they did.
What your daughter did reminds me of what BPDxw did during our last marital counseling session. I arrived with some pretty clear goals of what I felt needed to happen (or stop happening) if we were going to stay together:
1) No more fighting in front of our daughter; if she wanted to fight, at least wait until we were alone; and
2) No more baseless accusations that I was having affairs, being unfaithful, or whatever weasel words she'd try to use, ESPECIALLY not in front of our daughter.
Clear as day, right?
Her response to was to go on an absolute rant for 15+ minutes about everything I ever did wrong in 5 years of marriage & 1 year of engagement/dating... 4 years ago my mom said this, and I did that, last week I did this, a year ago I didn't help her find a job, 2 years ago I complained about her spending, 4 months ago I rolled my eyes when she wanted to talk about something, I drink too much, I have a friend who cheated on his wife, my family thinks they're perfect, but my brother is unemployed, my aunt is not very nice, my parents are divorced, etc. etc.
The therapist started taking notes, but after a couple minutes just put her pen down and listened. Then when BPDxw finally stopped talking, said "
Okay, he's given you some pretty clear things to work on, what can he do in return?"
She said "
he needs to love me enough."
The MC said "
Well, how does he do that? That's not something someone can work on."
As the MC continued to try to get her to commit to something, and made it clear BPDxw's deflections and hand waving didn't work on her, BPDxw started screaming at her and then stormed out of the room and told me to "just divorce [her] already" (I did a few months later!).
I think had you tried to pin your daughter down in the same way and force her to take some accountability for her behavior, she'd storm out of the conversation like that as well. So it's not that their minds can't focus: the rants, the pointless circular arguments, the finger pointing, deflection, etc. is all a game they
knowingly play to avoid having to accept any accountability for their behavior. Because if they do that, then they need to change their behavior, and they'd sooner die.