Perhaps my situation is viewed differently because I am a man, or because I haven't specifically told my T whether or not I plan to leave.  She works with me on day-to-day strategies of self-care, recognizing how emotionally and physically depleted I am.  Things like going for walks, finding ways to keep me away from the negativity, encouraging me to keep my engagements with BPDw minimal, etc.  If I asked her for exit strategies, I am sure she would help me with that.  But she does not push me in one way or another, she just reminds me of how this is affecting my health and our children's emotional well-being.

My sister, on the other hand, who was a target of BPDw's rage last week, is now sending me all kinds of information about abusive relationships.  I certainly appreciate her input, but I am careful to illustrate to her the complexity of the situation. 

Ending a marriage with a pwBPD is not a simple task.  One has to consider his/her own safety in when the pwBPD pulls out all the dirty tricks in response to the breakup.  That sometimes means "putting on a happy face" or not being totally truthful in order to preserve some kind of peace until you are ready.  Sometimes I will tell my T that I feel horrible not sharing certain things with my W or having the types of engagements or conversations that would normally happen in a marriage.  She reminds me that my W is extremely disordered and incapable of a normal marriage and I have to come up with strategies that work and those may not be strategies that seem fair or loving from an outside perspective.  An example would be to make decisions without discussion either before or after the decision.  Last weekend I told my W that I was going to an Alanon meeting for the first time in 10 years.  I gave her an hour notice, didn't give a reason other than I wanted to go, and told her when it was and when I would be back.  I didn't discuss it further.  In a relationship with a healthy partner, I might have discussed this with her beforehand or possibly invited her along. 

I am so lost and alone. Not only will my bpdw not offer affection or emotional support but of course she twists it around so that she’s the one that isn’t getting support and I’m the selfish and self-centred one. Ok so her grandad is on his death bed too, I don’t know if she’s going to see him he is far away. But she did not allow me to go and see my Dad till it was too late, insisting she needed me here with the kids. I said, ok, I know she had been very sick recently. But last Weds I was about to go to work. And she said hey how about you take the day off, build our swimming pool, do some housework and then go see your dad? I was overjoyed at the possibility, even though I’d rather just go. I did the work she wanted. She could tell I was desperate to get going. So then she bullied me into not going. I missed a day of work and now owe my students refunded money I don’t have. The following day I went to work in my other job. The agreement was her dad was coming to help though he couldn’t help with bed times. So I worked 10 hours, drove home for kids bed time, learnt from my mum that dad already passed. Drove 4.5 hours to see him anyway. Got there 2am. Bed at 3am. Left at 1.20pm the following day to get back for bed time. Got back after about 6 hours. I’ve just been working and looking after our kids and the house. I can’t talk about dad anyway cos her dad can’t cope with any talk of death or whatever. I had to go out tonight to cry. My wife is being so cruel to me. I know this is codependency, I don’t have the strength to make it sound any other way right now. I am so broken and alone. I can’t talk to my mum or my brother, it’s all my fault they know it. I have wonderful friends at work but I work in day care and my wife rings for the duration of my breaks and the rest of the time we’re busy with the kids. I managed to not cry for about a week but now I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do.

Really good discussion, thanks everyone.

I went to talk to the people at the emergency psych hospital and learned a few things:

1) Somone submits a petition, and it is reviewed for merit.  If the review determines the person is facing an emergency threat to him/herself or others, that person is taken in for a 24 hour evaluation.
2) An "emergency" only includes events from the previous 72 hours.
3) During the 24 hour evaluation, professionals assess the person and determine if an additional 2 days are needed. 
4)  During the initial 24 hour and subsequent 48 hour periods, witnesses can provide evidence that the person needs to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.  A judge then rules on whether the person is admitted or released. 
5)  The person at the hospital told me the threshold is high, and the judge wants all I's dotted and T's crossed.

Based on that, it seems the system is set up to address emergency situations where someone is in immediate danger.  Once the danger is passed, the person is released.  During last week's crisis, the possibility was there, but even then my wife was not making physical threats to myself, herself, or others, and the kids were not in her presence. 

So really this route is probably only helpful if physical harm is imminent. 

This is really between a rock and a hard place here, and I think the best option for the short term is to maintain the status quo.  I'm doing my best ATM to minimize the time the kids are with my W alone or initiate things that could result in trauma to them.  There is no immediate emergency.

I have talked to a lawyer in the past but can't remember if it was before the kids were born.  I was told regarding visitation/legal custody of kids that initially it is hard for anything other than 50/50 until there is a recent, serious threat.  That means for the short term, the most likely scenario if we split is that the kids would split time with her and while I know that is potentially dangerous to the kids emotionally, it kinda boils down to he said/she said.  Knowing my W, she would probably be on her best behavior for a little while until someone else witnesses something. 

Hey guys, I could really use some help here as I don't really have anyone to talk to, and even if I did they wouldn't understand. My head is spinning. 3 years ago I dated a girl who has BPD, I loved her more than anyone I've ever met, and those feelings never really died... I just learned to accept what can't be changed and move forward. Our breakup was really messy, she turned me into the villain and immediately found a new boyfriend. I was jealous because they made it seem like they were star-crossed lovers, but I'm sure it was just for posturing online. Anyways, the last message she sent me was that she didn't miss me at all and to kill myself. That was in 2022, I figured I would never here from here again and life went on. However, last October I got a dm from her on instagram out of the blue. We started talking and she told me she missed me, she told me she still thought I was handsome and the best person she has ever met, both dating and in general. She told me she regrets what happened between us, and I told her I felt the same. The way we picked up and talked to each other so easily you would have never guessed 3 years had passed. However, I'm not an idiot, I know what I told her was real, but I had my reservations with what she told me. She told me she had recently been arrested. She has been using and "dating" men in their 30s, while we are in our early 20s. These men beat her and probably manipulate her with drugs and money and a place to stay. I try not to think about it too much. She constantly told me she had no phone, and texted me sporadically, with days or weeks, even months in between. The two things she told me over and over, that my heart wants to believe because she is an addict and also disappears from the face of the earth when she goes dark is that she has no phone, and she kept telling me she had seizures everyday. I just have a lot of trouble believing it. One day she told me she misses me and she wish she could see me, but she has been bad at answering lately. I asked her if she wanted to hang out the next day, but she ignored my message, told me "she was breaking her friend out of rehab" and then went ghost. This was over the winter. In April she sent me another message saying her phone broke and she just got back into her accounts, but when I replied I never got an answer. Things were fine, it's June now and it wasn't bothering me anymore... Until Monday last week when she texted me saying she was in my city and thought of me a lot, but once again, didn't have a phone. I replied on Monday, then messed up and texted her again on Wednesday. I've been left on delivered again and she has gone dark on her socials once again. I'm just confused, and really hurt. I know I sound crazy, but I miss her. I loved her hard. I'm not mad at her, I just can't comprehend what is going on. I'm the opposite of the drug dealing reprobates she's with now who got her arrested, I struggled with alcohol the past few years and now I'm working on rebuilding. I can't give her what men over 10 years older than me can provide, all I could offer is love . Does anyone have any idea why she keeps reaching out to me and saying she misses me/thinks of me only to disappear again. I'm sure I'll be okay again, but since last week my heart aches and I just can't understand it. It's like I'm unknowingly apart of a joke. I want to ask her what's going on, but I fear pushing her away.

 

CC43,

Thanks so much.  You’re right.

I believe this woman is projecting her experience onto me, and she’s not listening.  The minute I mentioned my abusive H, it was all about leaving, and more specifically, about how she left her abusive husband. She gave numerous details — TMI.   

I definitely need deeper emotional support.  I deserve it.  Dealing with my H is enough — I’m not interested in managing a therapist!  Can’t get a word in edgewise with her, and can’t talk to my H either!

Also, when I’m ready, I’ll put a real estate broker on the case. That shouldn’t be the job of my therapist.  She was going to send me links to a couple of listings.  The  listings have  yet to materialize, but really?  Right now, I need help with my decisions, and so much more.

Thanks again, CC43.

Jazz

I totally get it 4everNana,

I think it is a good idea to find a therapist. I havent yet but iam still considering therapy 5 years along. I just try to cope with it all day to day.  Seeing this new pic of my gc has just brought it all back up. udd got what she wanted and doesnt care who is suffering in the meantime including gc.

Just know that you are not alone.

Thank you for the context, and I'm sorry for what you went through.  Welfare checks have been done, DCS called, nothing was done... SM comes off as pillar to community (population is 4700) and has pretty much everyone fooled.  My one GC has been to ER twice with stomach pain, Drs are baffled, I say it's from constantly being hungry, but again, no one wants to see SM for who she really is.  I've talked to my son numerous times, he tells her everything I say which causes conflict.  My son doesn't really have a bond with the GC I raised and I think because he has such a close bond with the GC from SM that he doesn't want to rock the waters.  Idk, I'm literally looking for a therapist to deal with all this.  It is so hard to watch.  I look at all the FB memories from when my GCs lived with me and how happy and well adjusted they were and see them now, it just literally hurts my soul.

I can understand how frustrating this is, especially when children are involved. The law, if it is going to err- errs on the side of protecting autonomy.

Without these safeguards, a spouse or adult child could make false claims against a person and take away their autonomy. I was concerned about my mother making poor financial decision but if I had taken her to court- the court would be focused on protecting her rights, not her childrens' opinions, even if they were accurate.

It's frustrating to have the knowlege that the person is disordered and needs help but we have little power over someone who is legally competent- which they can retain even with some mental disorders.

I don't know about the divorce setting but in the medical realm, the law preserves personal autonomy. As family members we can't label someone, or place them in a medical setting, or even access their medical information as long as they are legally competent to make their own decisions.

To prove someone is not legally competent is a medical and legal process. Since BPD mother was able to "pull it together" in front of medical providers, she did not meet criteria for legal incompetence.

Even though I had power of attorney- my BPD mother, if she was able to make her wishes known could override any decision I might make. I don't know about the divorce setting but in the medical realm, I could not make any decisions for my mother about treatment, mental or physical, as long as she was able to decide for herself.

I think there are two different situations here. If anyone- regardless of qualifications- believes a person is a danger to themselves and others- they can request an emergency evaluation. Once the person is in the care of qualified providers- the providers decide on what to do next but outside of the immediate danger situation, they can't force a person to stay without the person's consent.