You are not alone after being treated badly by a female partner for many years, to commit an offense that would result in a conviction for domestic violence. Know that you are much more capable of rehabilitation unlike your wife. Courts look favorable on long term participation in individual therapy and groups for men convicted of domestic violence. 

Okay, you are past one hurdle already... you've concluded there is no expectation for reconciliation in the future.  With that addressed, the priorities now come down to you (1) as a reasonably normal individual and (2) as a father.

You are "currently under a police FVIO".  My guess is that it is temporary and not a "final" order or decision.  It is vital that you don't acquiesce or give up.  It always looks bad and devastating at the start but the reality is that if it has reached a court there are several steps involved.  Each time the other side tries to get you to admit guilt or to agree to "anger management" which in itself is a sort of admission of some culpability, it is up to you to defend yourself.

While you may not be 100% innocent, there are mitigating circumstances due to your spouse's history of conflict, rants and rages, not to mention suicide threats.  Do you have any documentation or witnesses to her poor behavior?

While young children cannot be directly interviewed ("in camera" appearances in court) they can have their own legal representation assigned, known as Guardian ad Litem (GAL).  The GAL would represent the children's interests, not you or your partner.  You may have to ask for a GAL, just be aware that not just any GAL may be helpful, find one respected as unbiased and experienced by the court and other associated experts.  The GAL can recommend to the court what they observe and recommend to the court that the children receive their own counseling.

I don't know which precise process or court you're in but likely a good step for you to take is one all family court cases start their parents with... parenting classes.  If you get a good start at that, it gets you on the right track.  And of course getting some level of legal guidance so you don't make the common clueless mistakes many here did when they first encountered the legal arm of the law.

We know you're concerned for your children, that they may have extended time with their problematic mother.  All of us parents whose adult relationships failed have faced that, you're not alone.  One good thing is that courts have a general mandate to try to enable parental relationships with their children.  So a good perspective is that while the court may defend the "victim", they also should (hopefully) consider the circumstances leading up to the incident.  This is where your legal defense can properly clarify that this was a reaction to repeated long term goading and without a previous pattern.  That separation is a good outcome to avoid future conflict.

Your ex may allege you've been abusive to the children too.  That's common too.  The court may order you, as the alleged perpetrator, to take a "Psych Eval" or other assessment processes.  If at all possible request that any investigative orders include both parents.  If you have any documentation of her BPD diagnosis and history, ensure that is presented and considered too.

This is important.  Since there was NO abuse of the children on your part, the court should eventually conclude the children are safe with you.  If this process has not already started, you should NOT let matters sit overlong with their mother in unchallenged total possession.  You have rights as a father which are up to you to defend.

In my case, my spouse was facing Threat of DV charge but gained temporary custody and temporary majority parenting from my family court which defaulted to preference for mothers.  At the end of the divorce, after cursory Psych Evals and an in-depth Custody Evaluation, I walked out with shared parenting and equal parenting time.  A few more years and I gained full legal guardianship.  A couple more years and I obtained majority parenting time.  Yes, it looked hopeless at first, but gradually court made positive steps for my parenting.

Remember that it is up to you to decide to remain in your children's lives.  You can fight for your rights to be a parent.  There are uncounted split families out there.  Generally, the children spend time with both parents, using a schedule in a court order.  (see the quote below)  It is wisdom to seek as much parental time and authority from the start.  But even a lousy order can be improved upon in future years, as many here have done.

Evieart,
Welcome. You will find the support and encouragement you need here. Many men and women have had and continue to have the trauma you have experienced. When you read others posts and the comments by those who understand and maybe  are ahead in self care and taking back their lives, it will give you hope and a direction for your life. The Forum has a great Library with tools that will help you.
I am a mother of a middle aged swubpd, my ex H has bpd as well as my father. A lifetime of trauma is familiar to me. I'm getting support here to grow and recover. This is a safe place.

These words are so profound and I could have written the same ones. For me, this began with my father's passing- and he was the parent I felt connected to and thought I had a good relationship until then. But like Methuen, I was groomed to be BPD mother's emotional caretaker. Her behavior escalated at the time, and due to the emotional stress of both situations- his needs, her needs, and some of her behavior, I went into counseling over it- and had to have boundaries. BPD mother, used to being enabled and me being compliant, got angry, Dad got angry too.

Apparently, pleasing BPD mother was a contingency to parental approval and I also had "failed and disappointed them". While I remained in contact with BPD mother after that- she was doing well and had cut me off in anger, then reconnected later. I had learned to grey rock, not be reactive to her either way.

I remained in contact with her mainly for my own reasons.  Spiritually, to honor a parent has meaning to me, and while honoring a parent doesn't mean allowing them to be abusive to me, there's a significance to that relationship, and for me, it meant overseeing that she was getting the level of care she needed and physical needs were met. Emotionally, nobody could meet them.  She was elderly, I felt I could make decisions in her best interest if I needed to, and I didn't want to leave my sibling to do it all themselves.

As long as she was doing well, she didn't want our involvement. She kept her affairs secret from us, and we didn't really know what was going on until it became apparent that she wasn't doing well and we, along with her extended family, stepped in to assist.

Another reason that I felt but knew there was little hope for, was that, maybe I could "get it right" with her. This was wishful thinking, but I think as adult children, that's a wish that we may not completely let go of.

Also, I know now that I didn't "fail" or dissapoint my parents, no matter how they saw it. I think if I had not been involved in my mother's latter years, I may have wondered "what if?" but I know how this went. Nobody is perfect and neither are us kids but we cared about them, and have done some things a parent could be proud of. If they couldn't realize it due to the BPD and the dynamics- that was about them, not us.

Methuen, I think you and your H went above and beyond for your mother and you both are good people.

AutumnBlossom- You too, whatever you decide- your mother's feelings in the moment do not define you or determine if you are a good person or not. If you do reconnect- do it from your own reasons, and without expectations of any thing from your mother. I think due to the significance of the relationship- there still can be some wishful thinking, but it's balanced with realistic thinking. If you do reconnect, be sure to have supports in place for you- counseling, supportive friends and family, and boundaries, and if you decide not to, have these same supports in place for you as well. Each decision has its challenges I think.

Thanks that all makes sense and means a lot.

And you are right about the holidays, the guy she is with is narcissistic and couldn’t care less about her job and books holidays all the time. This hasn’t turned out well for her.

You always try to see her point of view and calm her - narcissists don't do that.

You show remorse even when you're not the one causing the conflict - narcissists don't do that.

You offer to let her choose holidays to suit her working schedule - narcissists definitely wouldn't do that; they'd put themselves first and to hell with anyone else.

Yes, you're right to say that we can all be narcissistic sometimes when absolutely required - we're only human - but that's a long way away from being a 100% 24/7 narcissist. Try to remember that she is the one with the problem and you're just doing your best to cope with it.. and doing a good job too.

My ex used to often mention a song that she wanted played at her funeral.

She also ‘joked’ about a month before she monkey branched to the guy she is with about poisoning me to my face…. Does that count

With regards to the ‘be careful what you wish for’ comments I’ve just put up a post about narcissism. In it I mention my ex’s constant frustration with me not booking holidays. She is now constantly going abroad with the guy she is with. She has since got skin cancer twice. I was told yesterday that the last op she had has not been successful ……. so yes definitely be careful what you wish for.

I was working at a clients house yesterday that used to be one of my ex’s clients. My SIL cleans for the lady and she started a conversation with me asking if I’d spoken to my ex lately. I told her I don’t see her and try not to have anything to do with her. She told me that SIL had asked why she had stopped coming into the salon and the client had replied to her that she could no longer handle the toxic atmosphere in the salon.

Now, a little while ago my ex had brought this lady up in a text conversation calling her rude expletive names. I asked her what she had done to her and she replied…well nothing.
The penny dropped and I realised yesterday that my SIL had obviously relayed the reason why she had stopped coming into the salon, so my ex’s outburst must have been in response to some sort of narcissistic injury.

As the conversation progressed with the client she asked me the question if I ever pondered if I was narcissistic as her own relationship had made her question the same.

I don’t think I am, I mean to the point of being a full blown narcissist. I think we all at times display narcissistic traits, I think sometimes perhaps we have to for our own survival, but it does raise the question. I would always want people to be straight with me, want to learn from my mistakes, and certainly be told if I’m being or acting in a narcissistic way.

I have been reading about DARVO which does make me question my own behaviour. My wife would regularly go on the attack about something, There would be regular periods of quiet before the storm, when everything used to seem fine then we would go to bed and in the early hours the attack on my character would start. I would try to answer her, give reasons why I would do, or not do certain things that she would bring up that was troubling her. Quite often it would be reasons that meant I would have to bring up her behaviour and reactions to things as to why I did or didn’t do something because of the way I had to constantly walk on eggshells around her. This would often result in my ex telling me not to be so defensive and that it isn’t an attack on me, although at the time it certainly seemed like it.

To give an example, as it was an often recurring one, she would ask me why I never made the effort to book a holiday. I would then reply in the following way. I don’t like to book a holiday because you have clients booked in for months in advance and you get stressed leaving the salon with someone else in charge. I also don’t like to ask people to look after the dogs and the children while we go away because they are our responsibility. I am also not that confident with that sort of thing. I’m happy to go away whenever you want to but it’s easier if you book it because I’ve no control over your work schedule or when your employees are there or not to look after the salon.

Just to add, my ex is a control freak and would always get stressed when we went away because her employees would constantly be on the phone to her about something. But I am also aware that this is in the realms of DARVO.

But the bigger thing that is making me question my reality is what happened 20 years ago. I’d caught her out going to meet her best friends at the time husband. They had split up and one day I was cleaning the car out and came across fuel receipts and car park tickets that didn’t add up, and when cross referencing them with messages that had been sent between us did not correspond with where she said she was at the time. So one night I checked her phone and found messages between her and her friends husband arranging meeting ‘At the usual place’
I confronted her and she denied anything happening, that they had just been meeting to talk about his marriage breakdown (anyone that has read my story will see the pattern here)
However, she did then start crying and admitted to sleeping with a completely different person. We split up for a few months.
We then got back together but to be honest my ex didn’t show the greatest amount of remorse, tried to dismiss it as meaningless and pretty much wanted me to bury it under the carpet and move on.

It ate away at me inside. I questioned a lot of things in our relationship, even down to whether our youngest son was mine or not. I had got quite close to someone during this time that listened to and could see what she had put me through and this developed into an emotional relationship that was starting to get out of hand and I could feel myself spiralling out of control.
My ex picked up on it, asked me outright  if something was going on, to which I denied up to the point when I could no longer handle feeling the way I did and explained everything to her, that I was developing feelings for someone but didn’t want to, that I wanted to sort my head  and our relationship out and get over it.

The thing is whenever my ex felt disregulated, or had some sort of problem, this event would be brought up with any conflict, over a decade later. I would tell her at that time I wasn’t in a good place mentally and I’m sorry it happened. I would tell her that it had taught me a lot, it had taught me that we all make mistakes. My remorse was never enough for her and would just end in a circular argument until I would retaliate by telling her that her actions had a domino effect and one thing led to another because of what she had done. This is where I question my reality as I am aware it is DARVO. I know that I initially denied it, I know that I flipped the script on her and told her if she hadn’t done what she had done it wouldn’t have happened and I know my actions were wrong, but I also know if she hadn’t acted in the way she had throughout our relationship it probably wouldn't have led to me being messed up and seeking external support.

Nothing physical ever happened, we never actually met up secretly or anything like that, just discussions on our feelings, but it does make me wonder if my actions and the way I handled it and defended myself make me a narcissist.

Thank you for your response.

I am currently under a police FVIO, so I am not allowed to contact my ex-wife or my children at all. My ex-wife has also blocked me on all social media and every form of communication.

Despite 10 years of repeated suicidal threats and her BPD diagnosis, her family either does not know about this history or chooses to ignore it. Instead, they have framed me as a domestic violence perpetrator, while my ex-wife has hidden behind the title of a poor victim.

My biggest concern is whether my children will be able to grow up safely and well under the care of a mother with BPD. Her family lives in another state, far away from where I am, which makes it even more difficult for me to see my children.

It is deeply shocking to me that the woman I lived with for 10 years could suddenly damage my reputation so severely, completely cut off all contact, and disappear from my life in this way.

I now believe that reconciliation is not something I should pursue. My ex-wife showed no genuine willingness to seek treatment for her BPD over the past 10 years, and now she also carries the title of a family violence victim. For my own safety, I believe it would not be wise for me to reunite with her.

My question is - what is motivating you to consider this?

Is it guilt? Being afraid of losing her without contact? Hoping for an improved relationship? Other drivers? There are so many different personal reasons to consider restablishing contact, but I believe it's important to explore your own reasons before you make the move.

Do you live close to your mom?  That is another big thing to think about if reconsidering establishing contact.

My uBPD mother passed away 5 months ago at age 89.  I was an only daughter living in the same small town.  My life changed when my dad passed away 21 years ago.  I didn't realize it but my mother had groomed me from childhood to be her caretaker.  I gladly took on the role because I strove to please my mom (impossible), and also to be a good daughter (also impossible because her expectations of a good daughter were impossible to achieve but I was about 57 before I realized that).  About 8 years ago, I sought intensive support for myself because my mom had grown to be so toxic.  I had a steep learning curve for learning how to navigate her dysfunction.  As hard as the journey was, the one thing I did not have to deal with was her triangulating me with other siblings because there was no other sibling. For that I am thankful.  That is another whole level of problem.

What I can tell you is that the challenges of having a BPD mother amplify as they age.  Add in declining physical abilities, cognitive abilities, loss of social skills, increases in their stress as they encounter more challenges and inabilities to cope with activities of daily living, which includes new levels of decline in decision making, and more demands and expectations from you to take care of ALL their needs.  My mother used to scream at me that I didn't love her if I wasn't able to meet some unreasonable demand.  I lived about 5 min away.  She texted and emailed all the time.  At times I had to resort to blocking her.  There were short term temporary NC's. Like I say, it worsened as she aged. Toooooo many stories.

Like NW, I chose to maintain contact for my own reasons, but it was limited, and my husband became my filter and human shield. I was lucky to have him.  Many don't. In the last few years, she was emotionally abusive to him as well.  That was the worst.  We had to resort to establishing such extraordinary and difficult boundaries, involve medical supports, social workers...I could go on.

I was very active on the board for about 6 years.  This community was a lifeline for me.  Over that time, maybe there were stories about reunifications that had some success?  But that is not the memory I am left with.  Overwhelmingly I remember members posting about how nothing had changed when they went back to contact, be it regular or low. Then they had to go NC again.  Maybe there was a honeymoon period, but then old patterns became the norm again, and the chaos returned. Maybe it was worth it for them to try again?  I don't know. Maybe I am biased by my own experience, but I don't have a memory of reading about many successes with this.  But maybe that is not the point.  Maybe the point is about trying, if there is some personal value driving you to consider this.

When I joined the forum back in around 2018, I was able to read stories that went back years.  You can probably still do this and read them for yourself, since your question is about the experience of others who have gone back to some level of contact.  You can tell a lot about the content of a thread from the subject line, if that is something you want to consider doing and have the time.  There is a lot to be learned from reading other stories. For me, it was helpful to go back in time and find applicable threads to read for myself.  I was able to go back about 10 years back then.

I would never advise to re-establish contact or not to.  That is way too personal and depends on the personalities involved, your own values, and of course the history, as well as what your reasons are for considering this.  In some ways it comes down to risk/reward.  You are the best person to understand what the risks are for you.  Sometimes I think when we have been away from it for a while, it is possible to minimize or even forget, and then we feel some pull to re-establish connection - because as humans - connection is what we crave. I just wanted to share my story that the behaviors can become more intense and complicated as they age, and become more desperate as they become less able to cope.

I would ask yourself: "has she done any work on herself that leads you to believe anything would be different than it was in the past?"

"Why am I thinking about doing this?  What is driving me to consider this?"

"Is there some value driving me to consider this?  Am I doing it for me or for her"?

"Am I prepared for any outcome (be it good or bad) in the short term and the long term?"

"Do I have personal resources to support me as things evolve, if I need them?"

As awful as my experience was (contact with her), and as much as I feel like humpty dumpty, I can still honestly say that for me I took the path I did to have contact because I did it for myself. I can say I tried, and did my best. To her I was nothing but a disappointment and a failure, and I didn't love her. That isn't true.  I loved her dearly.  But in some relationships, sadly loving the person hurts deeply.

Lots to consider.