Weddings of a close family member can be terribly triggering to people with BPD. You are terrified about the negative influence your sister can have on other family members, in other words how many people she will be able to use as "flying monkeys". I have been dealing with many "flying monkeys" in my own large extended family. It can help to make short statements like are commonly used in advertising because of how effective they are, like stating briefly something your fiance does that shows he is really a nice guy and you feel lucking to be marrying him. Talking at length about what is going on, can make it less likely you will be believed, though perhaps you would rather not give any attention to what your sister is doing, which can sometimes be a more effective alternative.

Hi Trony,

I agree with the other poster that it's probably best not to reveal your suspicions about BPD to your partner, because he's almost certain to take things the wrong way:  that you think he's crazy, that he's to blame, that he's damaged, that he has problems . . . when he's determined to blame you or others, and he thinks it's "just" ADHD.

My other thought is that it's possible that he has ADHD and BPD.  Many people here mention co-existing conditions like anxiety, substance abuse, OCD, ADHD, depression, autism spectrum and NPD.

That your man is able to keep a good job tells me that he's probably high-functioning.  He might be so smart that he can compensate for his other issues (negative thinking, short fuse, emotional dysregulation, ADHD, feeling overwhelmed, etc.).  He might be able to "mask" his issues while at work, but it's so exhausting for him that he lets loose around you.

You can't force your partner to get therapy.  He has to be "ready" for it.  Since he sounds like a smart and high-performing type, getting some professional help could be framed as something to improve his daily performance.  It might be framed as a mental tune-up, or maybe an investment in an executive coach.  Look, guys will sometimes hire personal trainers for physical therapy at the gym; why not try a personal trainer for the mind?  The focus would be to improve strength, flexibility, resilience, power/focus, balance, speed to recovery . . . which are just as important for the mind as for the body!  If it were framed this way, maybe he'd be more inclined to give it a try.  My understanding is that DBT focuses on stress tolerance, emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness--skills that are rarely taught outright, let alone practiced.  It sounds to me like anyone could benefit from learning these skills.  As for your husband, I might suggest a male coach.  I just think that would jibe better with the personal trainer/executive coaching approach.

When the pwBPD in my life was struggling, I never, ever mentioned BPD or even hinted she had mental illnes.  On one or two occasions, she brought up the topic of getting some help.  I felt that was my tiny opening to frame therapy in terms I thought would be appealing to her:  "It's mature of you to consider getting professional support, to help you cope with trauma in your life.  They are professionals, they'll know how to help, they see situations like yours all the time."  She eventually warmed to the notion of taking care of herself like an adult, and getting professional help, as it validated her narrative of being traumatized!   I guess my point is, I didn't say she had mental illness; I just encouraged her when she was thinking about getting therapy and tried to put a positive spin on it.

The times when a disordered person is suddenly being nice after regular periods of abuse can sometimes produce more uneasiness than the abusive periods. Healthy people want to see the best in others; we often want to believe the being nice is genuine and the person has changed. With a disordered sibling who we have known since childhood, we are often more than aware that the being nice is more about getting something they want, part of sibling rivalry, than really caring about the sibling they habitually compete with for resources and recognition. 

What can be specifically worrisome, is we don't know what the sibling is up to with their sudden pretend nice behaviors. How much time do we spend wondering what the sibling is up to and what ways can we protect ourselves? We don't want to allow the disordered sibling to rent too much space in our heads.

Agreed.

In a way the "being good" times were more uncomfortable  because of the uncertainty. It seemed that at any time, it could change. When BPD mother was angry and acting out, at least I knew what she was doing in the moment. The nice times were more of an unknown.

I understand- this is difficult. At first, I was not informed about what was going on with my BPD mother. She didn't give consent to her doctors to speak to me. Later, she did give me medical power of attorney but she still was legally competent and could make her own decisions, so sometimes they still couldn't speak to me.

After she went to assisted living, she began to have these episodes where she was confused, saying strange things. It wasn't easy to tell what was actually going on- whether it was medicines, or something else. At this point, I did speak to her providers more so I would know what was going on.

Then, the episodes would stop and she'd be her usual self again, for a while. Sometimes it was because she had a urinary infection and she was treated for that. Sometimes it was a medication or dose change.

It's a mix of BPD and the aging process together. Just try to do your best with it to the extent your mother allows you to but some of these behaviors/episodes are hard to know why they happen.

ridiculous to me how we all live the same reality. I come here from time to time only to see people post about my last relationship (which is theirs).

Sibling with ubpd suddenly being nice after a period of excoriation and low contact.  I feel like it could be a precursor to telling me how good they are (as opposed to me).  Overall, I'm better than I've been at other times, but this does have me a little tweaked.  I'm trying to come down and push it aside and felt like writing might help!  Thanks for listening.

Pushover_Pleaser, I so relate to the emotional state you are describing here.  Mostly, I just want to tell you that I get it and I feel for you.

I also want to say that while my sibling still takes up inordinate space in my brain,  and even though my emotions tweak some time, on average my emotional state has improved in a way I didn't expect.  In case it's helpful, here are some of the things I've realized/told myself that have helped: 1. I'm doing the best I can in a wild situation. 2.  What I say doesn't make a difference in the long run. 3. It's okay for her to think whatever she wants to about me -- doesn't change my reality or hers. 4. I have compassion for her but I can't cure her. 5. I deserve happiness. 

I've also done some things to calm my nervous system -- no caffeine, soothing tea instead, aromatherapy, meditation, coming on this board.

Sending you good thoughts.

This is true. When we enable someone, we don't actually help them in the long run.

In the context of family systems though, the role of rescuer is still dysfunctional but has a function in that family. If the pwBPD is being rescued and enabled, it relieves the overall pressure- temporarily, even if the situation does repeat itself later and isn't good for the person being enabled in the long run. When one person steps out of that role, other family members feel the discomfort and may react negatively.

Through personal work, therapy, I also gained the understanding that rescuing/enabling isn't helpful. However, in my family, it was the expected role. My father had the main role but we kids were co-enanblers. Approval from my parents was contingent on this, and kids in general want parents to approve of them.

It may not seem logical in the context of being an adult but for a child, to have parents angry at them is scary. I can relate to being scared of BPD mother and also not wanting to disappoint my father. The expected "being good" for me in my family was to people please and enable. Logically, this dynamic was the parents' doing, not the child's doing, but enabling BPD mother was the family expectation. It appears that rescuing/enabling the sister here is also a family pattern.

To change this is an emotionally healthy step but the original family is still working on their previous dynamic. The sister, (and my mother) reacting to this   "rocks the apple cart" in the family. It's changing a long standing family rule and so is scary and emotional.

It helps to have a therapist to work with for support on making these changes.