Everyone messes up and that's completely normal- we'll never be "perfect" and that's not the goal here.  We can't have a relationship with someone mentally ill if the rules only apply one way.

For your typical day- up at 5AMnd on the run into the evening.  There needs to be boundaries there, but first there needs to be honest conversations that he can relate to.  When he's receptive and balanced (not unhinged, not acting manic or depressed), you need to talk to him about carrying such a heavy workload and how hard it is daily.  Because honestly, he probably sees it but doesn't actually realize how busy you are.

These conversations are walking on eggshells at first, because you don't know how he'll react.  It can't be about him though with something like, "I get up at 5AM and I need to cook dinner?  You should be doing it!!"  For him, that activates his fear of conflict or abandonment, which moves him from a calm state to defensive mode (as he starts an argument and finds ways to blame you).  It's not that he wants to argue, per se, it's that he can't handle that sort of confrontation without going off the rails.

Instead, you go with something like, "I've been so tired lately and my body really needs a break.  It's been so hard lately getting up at 5 AM and being on the run all day long."

Note, I basically said the same thing, but it's all about you and instead of blaming him, it gives the opportunity for him to be the hero by saying, "Hey, I'll order pizza for dinner and tell the kids to pack their own stuff for tomorrow!"  Maybe he doesn't even actually do more work, but he can understand those "I statements (I need, I want, I feel...)" so much better than "you statements (You never, You always, etc)".  One is blame, the other is building a connection.

Again, you'll get this wrong a lot at first because you're human and this is a different way of communicating.  Does that make sense?

Thanks Pook, I completely agree and try very hard to lead with love with him, but I have my moments where it’s really hard to do so! I am striving to get to the point that you have gotten yourself to, leading with love, open communication, letting the “little things” roll off you, etc. I find when I am tired, that’s when I struggle really badly and really struggle to understand why he can’t see that I have been up since 4 am and out the door since 5 am and am totally exhausted and that then expecting me to make dinner, organize all of the kids things for school the next day after doing 2+ carpools is over the top…and makes me want to scream, but I just do it instead! And I want to make faces to him, but I don’t!  I think one of the reasons why the face thing gets me is because it’s kit justifiable and a 2 year old thing to do! I know it comes from his “not nice” personality, his entire body changes (mostly his eyes) and I know “I need to get out of here” fast…well that’s needed to happen in the past, but it’s what goes through my head.

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. It makes sense that getting clarity has lifted some weight off you, but the situation is still frightening and exhausting. High-conflict divorces really do need specialized legal help, so talking to a lawyer for a consult sounds like a smart way to protect yourself, even if you’re not ready to leave. You deserve to feel safe, supported, and grounded while you figure out next steps.

I feel like I should have known this about our daughter years ago. Finally, last week, I'd had one run-in too many. I suddenly realized that there was nothing I could do to make my daughter like me. She treats me very poorly, except when she doesn't. The disrespect, accusations, yelling, and hurtful actions seem to only be seen by me. Her dad has always told me that it's my fault that she talks to me so disrespectfully because she never talks to him that way. When she was growing up, her dad never corrected her for it. Still today, when our daughter is 48 years old, she treats me this way and no one else in the family seems to see it or come to my defense.
I realized this week that she is turning others in the family against me, including her sister and, of course, my husband. I need a place to see others' experience and counteract the gaslighting that my husband, my daughter, and even I do to myself. It has taken me far too long to begin to trust my own gut and realize that my husband and daughter are a toxic duo when it comes to my relationship with them and theirs with me. I am starting this week on a new path of self-care, "her-unhappiness-is-no-longer-my-responsibility," and anxious curiosity as to what she will try next now that I've changed my rules.

There are many reasons why a person can become the target of another person with NPD or BPD. Many of the scapegoats in my large extended dysfunctional  family were chosen from birth. The reasons each one was chosen range from being unattractive, not being brilliant, not being a person who outshines most people, being an unwanted child, jealousy about the child making a great aunt be the only sibling with no grandchildren, etc. I find that I become more of a target of the flying monkeys in my family when I resist being part of the narcissistic family cult. For example, there is no way, I could go along with a child being scapegoated since the day he was born, his great aunt getting others to participate in saying he was unlovable and defective.

Have you wondered why you get targeted by the pwBPD or NPD? When I went through the recent "friend considers me guilty of something she thinks I did according to the story of the pwBPD" someone mentioned to me - this seems to happen to you. At first, I felt offended but then wondered- is this true and if so, why is this? 

I think it's that we don't act out. We tend to be the fixers, the ones to try to keep the peace rather than retaliate. It's low risk for them.

certain people who my sister and others targeted from birth

Flying monkeys are on a spectrum. The worst have an incredibly poor sense of self and blow with the wind, believe what they are told especially if it is in one simple sentence said with apparent confidence. Flying monkeys are also regularly targeted with updates. There are certain flying monkeys in my large extended dysfunctional family, who were targeted by my sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other members of the gang who scapegoat different members of the family from several generations as they like to feel superior to others. For years, I did not understand why people I had no regular contact with, abused me when they saw me. I realized that the smear campaign of my persona started years before I was aware of it, and I experienced certain members of the family scapegoated from birth. I now correct the flying monkeys when they put down me or another family member when it is worth it, with one simple sentence: That is not true.

I'm not one either. In my own world, the FM are not from impoverished backgrounds. They have professional jobs in which they are logical and effective.

Except in their roles as FM. I have also see this in non family members. Recently experienced an angry friend, coming to the defense of a person with suspected BPD over a conflict with someone else who I was peripherally associated with. Being the one who tries to fix things- I tried to reason with her to no avail. It doesn't make sense to me why someone will drop a friend or family member with whom they themselves haven't ever had conflict with, over the words of a pwBPD. I don't know if it's possible to understand it.

It's clan-like behavior. I'm not a sociologist. It's what I've observed.

It gives me a headache.

Getting back to bpd, I have a relative who is quite Americanized and doesn't deal with these clannish things. His young adult son has bpd. He threatened his parents and they have a protection order against him. It's very sad that the number of people with personality disorders in my family keep growing,