Hey Victor,

That push/pull you’re describing can feel like it should “cycle back,” especially after something that intense.

Sometimes it does. The catch is… the pattern often comes with it.

You’re already seeing something clearly here:

“Women who want to be with you show up.”

That’s a pretty grounded take.

Right now, she’s reaching out just enough to keep a connection alive, but not enough to build anything steady. That in-between space can keep you hooked without really moving things forward.

Missing her makes sense. Wanting her to miss you too makes sense.

The tougher question might be - if nothing changes from what you’re seeing now, is that something that works for you?

This is so surreal. Last week I had everything calm.
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It is surreal, isn’t, the way things go from 0 to 1000 for people w bpd? 

You have not just a right but an obligation to do what’s best for you and your children. All best with this transition.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It makes me feel so much less alone. I'm going to do it. I have my window and I'm taking it this time.

Hi there,

I can only imagine what must have gotten you to this point, but with BPD in the mix, my bet is misplaced rages / temper tantrums, constant strife in the home, jealousy and using kids to get back at you.  What I see as really damaging is her cancelling some of the kids' tickets to Italy, and not the others.  It's one thing to deal with an abusive spouse, and another when the abuse extends to the kids.  Those poor kids are going to think their stepmom hates them.  They probably already know that.

I know this is really hard for you, and that you've been on this wavering road for a long time.  Surely you're confused because you see some good qualities to your spouse--otherwise you'd have left long ago.  But based on what you've written, I see two things.  First, your'e hurt.  And second, your spouse appears to be cruel to your children.  I think you ought to put your children first here.  They need Happy, Balanced and Calm Dad, not Confused, Traumatized, Stressed-Out and Enabling Dad.  They need a good role model, to learn what a healthy family looks like.  If they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, they could be set up to enter dysfunctional relationships themselves when they grow up.

You will get past this, with some time.  Even if you can't afford to go on foreign trips for a while, that's OK.  I'm sure your kids would appreciate having Happy Dad back and a calm, loving home environment again, over any fancy trip.  They might not even know what a calm, loving home looks like.  They deserve one, don't they?  You do too.  I'm feeling conflicted about your step-kids, as they will be affected by the divorce as well--they'll lose their stepdad and stepsiblings.  I'm not sure what to advise there but to be prepared to accept it.  And maybe consider getting your kids some therapy to cope.

Thanks for the reply. I was hoping someone would!

You're right. This is a tough spot. I don't know what to do. I love her and don't want to just give up on her but...

I'm feeling generally steady in my day to day but I miss her and want her to miss me too. How could she not? The part of me that is unsteady and just confused is what you mentioned about the deep connection quickly turning to distance. Is this a normal BPD thing where she'll cycle back once the intensity has calmed down a bit? I don't think I imagined the depth of our feelings but the more I read about quiet BPD traits, the more it creeps into my mind that the October email was the height of her idealization. She meant it in the moment. Once she had what she thought she wanted for all that time it wasn't what she actually wanted? I did say that to her during our break talk. She defensively said "that's not what I'm saying." That or she wants to pursue this other guy again. Who knows, maybe she is just taking this time to process by herself. But I have to accept the reality of her actions. Women who want to be with you or have a relationship show up. She's missing in action no matter how foundational our connection is.

Hi Solaris,

I'm sorry you've been through all this.  I see a few things going on here.  First, I agree with the other posters, that him "flipping" is a common feature of BPD--suddenly going from idolization/idealization to hatred/detestation.  He is a personality of extremes--his reactions are extreme, and he has extreme, volatile relationships with other people.  If he isn't getting from you what he wants when he wants it, well then you are probably evil in his eyes.

Another thing I see is projection.  That's a classic move from a pwBPD--going from the defensive to the offensive.  Now it's YOU who is the abuser, the addict, the one who needs professional help, not him.  You're the one who starts the fights, not him.  You need to change, not him.  You need to apologize and atone, not him.  This tactic of projection and thinly veiled blaming is so common that if you read between the lines, you can often see what's really bugging your partner.  That's because he's ruminating about his own troubles so much, that he practically wears a rut in his brain, and everything he perceives in the world is processed through that well-worn track in his brain.  These troublesome feelings eventually emerge as projections or accusations.  Thus he'll proclaim, "You're the addict, and you're so abusive that you drive me to use illicit substances, you ruined my life, I can't stand it anymore, it's all your fault!"  Does that sound about right?

Finally, what I see is that you have been traumatized.  My guess is that you're constantly in fight-or-flight survival mode, and you're probably not thinking clearly, let alone acting like your normal self.  You might be operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which is clouding your judgment.  You might even be losing your sense of self.  That's understandable, when your partner is dysregulated and being abusive to you.  It's not fun having to call the cops.  I'd recommend that you take a time out, to get to a calmer place before deciding what to do.  Then you can figure out next steps.  In the grand scheme of things, moving to a new apartment might be a small price to pay for your own sanity.  My opinion is that an apartment is just an apartment--there are millions of other ones out there.  But there's only one Solaris.  You take care of Solaris first and foremost.

I'll wrap up with a reality check.  You might think back to a time before you met your partner.  Were you lost back then?  Was your life mostly functional?  Were you engaged with studies, a job, taking care of family?  Did you have some close friends and fun times?  Did you practice some hobbies?  Were you generally going in a positive direction?  Though you experienced some setbacks, you persevered and got over them?  That's the real you, when you're not traumatized.  Please don't let your disordered partner convince you otherwise.

Hey Victor,

That’s a tough spot to be in, especially after you finally opened up and let yourself show up fully. Anyone would feel pulled and confused here.

What stands out is how fast things moved from deep connection back into distance. That kind of push/pull can feel really powerful, but it also makes it hard to feel steady.

It doesn’t sound like you scared her away. It sounds more like the intensity became hard for her to hold.

At the same time, you went from holding back… to offering something real and consistent. That’s not small. And now you’re left in the uncertainty while she checks in just enough to keep the connection alive, but not enough to build anything on.

I wonder what you need here to feel secure and valued.

You don’t sound like an idiot. You sound like someone who cared and took a real risk.

I've posted a few times in the past - the last time I posted I had met with an attorney and everything, but got sucked back in. The short story is I made the mistake of confiding in my coworkers about her behavior (they were women) and she found the texts while I was sleeping and guilted me, had a full meltdown etc, so I stayed. I stayed another year and 3 months (til now).

Me, my uBPDw, my 2 step daughters, and my 2 children were supposed to go to Italy with her parents next week. She cancelled just me and my kids tickets because she searched my sons room and found his journal, where he wrote that his step mom gets mad about things really fast and bottles things up. Because of that, I got blamed for his perception, and our trip was cancelled.

She doesn't know it, but I have an attorney, house for rent, and movers lined up for when they are gone next week.

I am currently working telehealth and getting HAMMERED with text messages. I just keep telling her she is right. She has hit me before, broken things, thrown herself on the ground, everything you could think of in the past. I'm just trying to stay calm and tell her she's right. I have to get to next week.

I am going to be moving out, blocking her number, and filing for divorce next week. This hurts and is more confusing than anything I've ever gone through. It took me years of trying to reach this point and have the opportunity to safely do so.

I will not have contact with her again outside of attorneys

This is so surreal. Last week I had everything calm.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm also really glad that you found us and so many here have had similar experiences.  I can't imagine how you're feeling after the whirlwind of the past few weeks.

What it sounds like you're describing is a term called "splitting", where someone with BPD sees things in absolutes while they're unstable.  If you've had arguments where he's said, "You've never stuck up for me" or "You're always blaming me for <bla bla bla>", that's a great example of splitting where they see things in black and white, or good and bad.  This happens at the start of the relationship (everything about you is perfect/good) and in these moments where they're at their worst (you're a bad person out to hurt them).

BPDs almost always have a favorite person (all good, of course) and they can do no wrong.  Then there are many people they cast out of their lives because they're labeled "bad people".  And these titles can flip-flop often during instability.

I think when you called the police, his good/bad switch was flipped and you suddenly became the enemy.  Again, that's not a permanent thing though, and sometimes splitting lasts for minutes or hours.  Being in that mindset is what's sending him on his current path of questioning everything and wondering if it's worth it to return to the relationship.

That also jives with him lashing out and blaming you for his own behavior recently.  Again, black and white thinking...with no grey areas (which is where we actually are, none of us are all good or all bad).

What's this mean for you?  That's a much easier answer.  Take this time to regroup and recharge, while focusing on your own mental health without the outside noise.  See where it leads and allow yourself to be honest with what you really need for things to work in the relationship.  In short, it's time to heal and let go of all that past hurt.

P.S.

The pwBPD in my life shares that sort of thinking, which shows some narcissistic traits (on top of BPD).  I used to call it her "magical" thinking.  Granted, she's pretty, and that's a wonderful gift.  However, given her disordered BPD and narcissistic thinking, she believed she'd be "discovered" as a top model or top online influencer, and she dreamed of living a Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle.  She seemed entitled to it, as if she expected others to make her wildest dreams come true, for example by setting her up in a luxe apartment and paying for her travel abroad.  Thus she set herself up to be continuously disappointed.  The disappointment quickly turned to anger, even rage, directed at others who failed to make these dreams come true for her.  Most of all, she refused to take responsibility for herself.  This looks like blaming others for ruining her life.  She's constantly mad that she doesn't get what she wants.  Now she wants plastic surgeries to change her physical features, and she has asked her dad to pay for them.  At one point it sounded like she expected him to pay as compensation for making her look the way she did.  And the irony is, I think she's beautiful, she shouldn't change a thing, and even if she did, she still wouldn't be a model, not even close.  She doesn't have the personality(!), and she's far too old, short and heavy (in model terms) anyway.  Plus she couldn't handle the lifestyle, with all the rejection, critiques and stressful routines.  She seems oblivious to the actual work that famous people do.  It's the classic black-and-white thinking, where she idealizes the Princess life while disparaging the lives of "normal" people.  Does that ring any bells?

The narcissim manifests in some beguiling ways.  One example is during a job search.  The pwBPD in my life seems to think that certain jobs are beneath her.  She doesn't want to start at the bottom; she wants to skip a few rungs and get paid a lot, and yet she doesn't want a "stressful" job, either.  Her resume lists more aspirations and exaggerated roles than actual accomplishments and credentials.  In some regards she lied outright on her resume (for example saying she was a candidate for an advanced degree without having taken any classes yet, let alone be accepted into a program).  But I suspect that in her mind, if she wants something, it's the truth?  Or maybe she thinks, everyone lies on their resume, and she should, too?  Her online profile lists "moving to New York," but she hasn't done anything to move to New York yet.  Does this sound like your Sis?  I think it's the magical, narcissistic thinking coming through.  There's some identity confusion as well.