Still, he's a grown man and should be capable, and he will never learn to be capable if you continue to coddle him.

However, your children are not capable yet, and as the only responsible adult in the equation here, your obligation is to them first.  Your partners "needs" come in a distant second here.  Or I would say even a distant third, after yours.  If something happens to you, who's going to be there for your kids? 

Keep all this in mind when his pleas and tactics start working on your sympathetic heart! 

Thanks, SuperDaddy. I'll read this.

Hi dtkm ,

I think your negotiations with him will only work out if you are in a position in which you can confidently say "NO." Since he has free access to your house, you are not in this position anymore. As a result, you will get stressed out, and then there will be no way to have a productive conversation with him since he will pick up on your emotions. Living in separate houses is not much of an advantage in this situation.

I finally convinced my wife to leave, so we are living apart now. She is in her mom's house, where she lived before we met. I would like to bring her in for the weekends, but I am quite scared about that going wrong, so I won't do that. Not until we are really having zero conflict and she is 100% ok with the fact that this is MY place now and that everything here is my property. Currently, she still has minor angry moments and does mild offenses, which I'm always pointing out.

So I think you are giving away a setting that could be quite valuable and constructive for your relationship, the living-apart structure.

If he says that your place is better than his place, maybe you can offer an exchange. If he wants more time with the kids, give him that time. Make sure he doesn't have a good reason to say this new setting is unfair to him.

Fian ,

I have full rights to end all of the contracts that are in my name (mainly renting and energy supply) and move out. And in case she leaves before I have finalized the contract termination, I can return. There is nothing illegal in that. My only possible obligation would be to offer the transfer of the contract to her name so that she can remain here, and I did that. But she can't pay for it. I also offered her a pension, but I don't have to pay for a place for her.

Anyway, she left. Because she understood that if she remained for long enough, she would then be kicked out by the landlord, possibly through police. She also understood that if I left, then I would not find such a good place for the price I pay, and she wants the kids to grow up here. Also, by agreeing to leave, she keeps open the possibility of returning in the future.

We also have a pension agreement to a monthly value, which I'm sure she will overspend quickly. But it's ok because it is a relatively small value, and I'll cover her back when she runs out of money anyway. Actually, she has already overspent the first part that I transferred. I'll have to pay it weekly like I do with my other BPDex.

The person with BPD can become quite rational when they really need to be, when they hit the end of the line.

I am very happy that I am finally out of the nightmare she was giving me. I'm hoping she helps herself with DBT (which I'll pay), and I really want to end up with a success story. But if things don't work out, I'm totally fine with giving up on our relationship, guiltless.

Hey Desert!  I'm sorry things have not improved at home and it's a good thing that you're making positive steps to begin healing.

I feel like this is so much more simple than you're giving it credit for- something is happening to you medically and it's tied to stress, anxiety, possibly depression, etc.  Stress is one of the biggest "killers" in US society leading to heart attacks, strokes, hypertension, obesity, alcoholism and drug use, etc.

So my first question would be if you've seen your primary doctor and had bloodwork taken?  They might also recommend a stress test.  You're dealing with something physical and it needs to be properly evaluated.

Next, let's talk about the mental aspects.  Stress comes from our viewpoints and ability to handle stress.  What are you doing (other than moving) to put yourself in a better mindset?  Have you considered therapy?  What about daily hobbies and activities; what are you doing to get through the day?

I know you mentioned that you're not financially stable at the moment, so doctor visits and therapy may sound prohibitive.  But the changes in your life must come from you personally...nobody else can do it for you.

Now, I know I've danced around your actual question- how do you know whether to stay or leave the relationship?  That's for you to decide and we can't help there.  But I will say that regardless of anything else, your health HAS TO come before work, relationship, activities, etc.  You HAVE TO place yourself first and actually begin to recover physically and mentally. 

That should always come before the relationship part.

One last thing though, if you're having physical or mental struggles, that should always come first to your partner as well.  And if that's not their priority, then you already have your answer for right now.  Maybe that changes in a week, a month, etc.  But for today, you need distance and you need healing.

Aah, so I had it backwards...sorry about that.

BPDs struggle to apologize, even when they realize they're wrong, because it shows vulnerability that can easily be used against them.  That's true for all of us, of course, we open up to someone and they reject us...it's painful. 

But for BPDs in particular, it's like facing their worst possible fears.  Their brains will twist those situations to make it more about them as the victim, hence you don't deserve an apology since you know how much they go through yet you're not supportive.  It's an excuse and a lie, for sure, but it is also the truth for them.

All that said, don't hold out for an apology in order to fix the relationship.  Either you forgive or you don't.  Your brother simply may not be capable.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position and I can understand why you'd feel bad for him.  Something has to give though and he's not in the right mindset to stop the abusive behavior. 

For what it's worth, this may be the thing that pushes him towards positive steps for his mental health.

I think it was simply because, being a BPD relationship, it was so intensive and dynamic at the start with the love-bombing and the feeling that I'd met someone who was not only compatible but was 100% what I'd been looking for.

Of course we later realise that this was just a facet put on by the BPD to hold our attention and this 'perfect' person didn't really exist. Then the BPD cycle kicks in fully and we're now on the repeating roundabout of love / hate.

I've had plenty of non-BPD relationships since but when I look back, the most memorable was the BPD one so while other partners might get the odd passing thought, my BPDex remains the one I really wanted to work out; I wanted her to actually be the great person she was at the start. I'm sure we all wanted this too.

I remember at the time how incredibly happy I was just being with her and no relationship since ever gave me that feeling again.

Thank you all for the advice.

Notwendy,
Really appreciate hearing about the situation with your family and how you have handled the relationship. You're right that it can be unrealistic to expect an apology. So far, he apologized for fighting with my dad and my one brother and stealing from the other...but has not apologized to me, my sister, or dad's girlfriend. It is so clear that the damage from our mother, and the succession of female caregivers (first me, then sister, now Dad's gf) triggers his hurts and abandonment. In one incident on Christmas Eve, he grew angry that our dad discovered his renewed stealing and drug use, and lashed out to tell my sister and I he would not be getting us Christmas gifts. He mostly used to sulk in his room and never greet anyone for weeks, occasionally lashing out just to be cruel about the ways I cared for him when he was younger or support him now.

I don't need an apology per se. I do want to see a change.

His birthday is coming up next week and I don't really want to reach out. He is currently homeless, living in his car, working a part time job. I know if I do not do something for his birthday he will never let that go. Part of me does also have compassion that birthdays are a unique circumstance and it might be okay as a gesture of goodwill still.

Thank you for saying I can believe I am a good sister. I do. Trying not to measure my worth in the care I give others.

Thank you for encouraging the shift. For the last many years my perspective has been how can I support him, what can I invite him to, what things does he like, trying to love him well while letting him make his own choices. Maybe loving him is leaving him alone for a while.

I have clear boundaries around cursing at me or saying mean things - I tell him this isn't okay, I deserve respect, and the convo is over. The advice to not give advice is sound. He used to ask me for advice a lot, which I happily give, but then he resents it later because his very need for love and care from a maternal figure triggers him.


Pook, thanks! I gratefully was very regulated, compassionate and mindful in my interactions with him over the holidays. So the apology/behavior change is for him to apologize to me. But I will keep it in mind for the future.


Strawberry29, yes, I am waiting for an apology from him and for him to reach out to me. He hasn't been very kind or even pleasant to be around for a while and has rejected most of my efforts to connect.

I appreciate your take and tend to agree - I don't need an apology itself. Whether it is stated or implied, the core is that I deserve respect in our interactions, and I need my brother to show that respect and effort to change his harmful behavior.

You might want to check with the legal board, but I think you are setting yourself at a disadvantage in a future divorce proceeding.  You can't kick your wife out of your shared home.  Court finds out that you tricked her out, and she will be living in the house with you paying the rent.