Hello, this is my first post here and I am sort of at my wits end in my relationship right now. I (27m)have been with my partner (27f)for 9 years and we have been married for 2. As is typical in many bpd relationships we have had many high highs and low lows. She is my absolute best friend and has been my only romantic partner in life. We got together fresh out of high school and have experienced many great times together. This issues come in the lows of our relationship. My partner has been in and out of therapy for the past several years and often calls it pointless or stigmatizing. I haven’t experienced verbal and physical abuse from her in times of distress with often the root cause of the argument being something mundane as she didn’t like my tone and I got defensive or that I ask her to please stop yelling or cursing at me when she’s upset. I haven’t been great to her the entire relationship either and at several points in the past I haven’t also lost my temper and pushed or yelled at her but not nearly to the frequency to which I have experienced from her.

My breaking point came about a month ago when she insisted we both stop seeing our therapists because she thought they were bigoted towards her and that they were trying to get us to break up. My counselor was supportive of my decision to stay in the relationship but emphasized that physical and verbal abuse is something that shouldn’t be experienced in a healthy relationship at all much less on a monthly basis. After dropping out things were okay for a while up until one morning she woke up and immediately began complaining about how I wasn’t good enough for her as a partner. She began throwing things and punching me. I got angry and yelled a little and left the house. My partner doesn’t have much of a support system so she called my own family in distress. I feel embarrassed. My whole family is aware of the abuse happening in our relationship and I feel that they don’t feel very comfortable with us being in this relationship. A few days after this I told her I wasn’t sure if it would be good for us the be together. She begged for me to not leave and asked what she could do for me to reconsider. She also told me she would most likely kill herself if we were not together.

I felt very bad for her and still have a lot of love and compassion for my partner so I accepted her back. I insisted she read a dbt workbook, look at finding a full time job or to make better use of her free time (she works 15 hours a week), and that she sees a therapist. She has been working on all of these things and has found a therapist that specializes in dbt and sexual difficulties (the main hot button topic of our conflict). In this time things have been better but she has still hit me from a small argument. I playfully patted her stomach while talking with her one morning and she slapped me across the face.

I feel so conflicted. I love this person very dearly but it is very hard to see a life with her that is stable in the future. I want kids but I don’t feel comfortable having children in an environment like this. I feel like I want to give her more time to change but it’s been years now and we have been dealing with the same issues we have been for what seems like forever. My family feels awkward with her and she feels awkward with them. I feel scared leaving because I don’t feel like I am very lovable to most people. I am also worried she will take her own life as she has said as much and that she would blame me if she did. I guess I try to not think about all this too much and take life one day at a time but it feels foolish and like I’m blindly walking to the edge of a cliff. She is constantly talking about wanting kids and I don’t feel comfortable being permanently tied to someone who I don’t feel like I can fully trust right now. It feels like everyone in my life who knows about this is telling me I should leave but it feels so hard. I want this relationship to work so badly. She insists that a lot of the issues in our relationship are because of my own mental issues and I don’t know what to do about that. She hated my last therapist because my therapist insisted we couldn’t work through any of my personal issues until my relationship was in a better place to do so.

What should I do?

Hi and welcome to the forum. I am fairly new here too.

This is a public forum and as such it is advised that we do not use names and keep things anonymous.

You are not alone, many of us on here know exactly what you are going through, as it is as if they are all acting out from the same script. From your introduction there are a few things I can relate to, that are also in the DSM as criteria for BPD.
The spending for example, is something my wife (my ex, still married but separated for the past 2 years) used to do. She could spend as if the world is going to end tomorrow.
The cannabis addiction. My wife was, and I’m quite convinced still is, a cocaine addict. That was the catalyst for our separation, as she was buying the drugs from her friends husband. They split up because of his behaviour, his wife left him. I asked my wife to stop buying drugs from him, so she ran off with him.

Also, the lights around your house struck a cord. My first thought reading that was, does your husband not realise planes land on runways because they are lit up with landing lights.
Lights attract aircraft’s landing, does he not realise there is more chance (very little chance) the lights would make it more likely an aircraft would land on the house than not.
It’s a little bit different, but the same disordered thinking none the less, but my wife was convinced we would be safer in the hot tub if there was a thunder storm. I had to explain that it was far from the safest place to be in the middle of a thunderstorm, but she couldn’t grasp that advice. I had to explain to her that our local swimming pool has a section that joins the indoor pool to an outdoor pool, and in a thunderstorm they close the pool altogether so people don’t get fried to death if a lightening strikes the water outside.

Lastly, journaling, writing things down, be it on here or in a diary, is a great way to help you understand the dysregulated behaviour, to help you remember things you have forgotten, and especially if you do so on here, to give you some validation that you are not going mad, that your husbands behaviour is not your fault, and you didn’t cause it.

Perhaps, it would make more sense for you to visit your mother instead of allowing her to come visit you. This way you could stay in a hotel and limit the amount of time you spend with her. It does not sound like she would handle very well either staying at your house or in a hotel.

Oh gosh, cleaning the car wheels with your new towels! Makes me think your mother took care of sheets and towels and Dad just used what she gave him.

My father was helpful. He would play with the kids, read them stories. They formed a bond with him. BPD mother was more like an observer. She also seemed to lose interest with this and either leave or go lie down in another room.

BPD mother knew to "hold it together" in front of my kids, so thankfully they didn't witness her rages. She wouldn't hurt them physically. But she would look to them to meet her emotional needs and do things for her and she'd enlist them as emotional caretakers. She would also triangulate to people- get them "on her side" and I wasn't sure what she'd say to them. I knew to not leave the kids alone with her ever.

What made visits feel stressful was that they seemed chaotic. My mother had no routine, no schedule, she ate when she wanted, slept whenever. Dad had more of a routine for himself but he was focused on her. She required a lot of emotional caretaking.

I could sense the disruption to my parents of having someone else in their home when we visited.  Although BPD mother seemed chaotic, she also needed to feel in control and insisted on order with her things. If someone used a towel and didn't put it back exactly, if we made something to eat and there was a crumb on the floor, she'd get unglued. We'd be careful to clean up, but there was the risk it wouldn't be to her liking. We were not allowed to touch anything of hers.

Eventually I decided to not cook in her kitchen because if there was one spot on a pan left, she'd be upset. It was easier on both of us if I didn't stay with her.

What’s hard is that it’s never okay for you to be angry, upset, or right.  They can be, but you can’t.  And if you argue the point, they flip it back on you and say “I guess I’m the evil one” as though anger in a relationship is a sign that you’re Satan. 

Truthfully they cannot sit with being wrong, blamed, or responsible.  And the only option is to put it on someone else.  Even in their problems, they want someone else to make them go away or think some quick fix should do it without them having to really change. 

My SO has spent the past couple of years so deeply wrapped in themselves that I feel alone and adrift even in their presence.  I hear about their problems 24/7 and when I share almost anything their eyes glaze over or they look at their phone. 

A relationship where you are never important is hard. 

Ah, the old “I can interpret your facial expressions like a psychic”.   Exhausting.   

Hello,
I'm brand new to this forum. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms. We've had some good years here and there, but I am miserable, and the last year has been absolutely awful. Getting divorced would be a financial nightmare. I've looked into it and will keep on trying to find a way out.
 My husband's anger can be vicious, unpredictable, and impossible to live with. I'm in the midst of reading Walking on Eggshells and so much of the last 30 years is starting to make sense. When my husband (do we use first names on here?) turned 60, he had a health scare. It wasn't a major health scare; there was no actual threat to his life. But that, combined with turning 60, put his BPD behavior on overload. He is scary when he is angry. Last fall, he "went off" on me multiple times, accusing me of horrific things. I'm chasing our children away (our daughter got married two months before), I'm a drug addict (he is referring to my prescription medication), and I treat him the way his mother treated his father (I suspect she had BPD as well). There was much, much more, and it was very traumatic. I now work with the local women's center.
He is also paranoid and afraid of strange and unlikely things. For example, he believes that we need bright lights around our house because he is convinced that without them, a plane will hit the house. If we don't leave the obnoxiously bright "grow lights" on, all of the plants in the house will die over the winter. 
Since last fall's dramatic event, he has become even stranger. He spends most of his time at home in his bedroom. He talks to me for 5-10 minutes and asks me nothing about my day, then he goes into his room and closes the door. For a while, I think he was vaping cannabis daily. I haven't smelled it in the last two weeks, though. He believes that he has become a Buddhist-this would be fine if he were actually following the spiritual tenets of the religion. But he lacks the capacity to embrace it. I could go on, but writing this all down makes the situation's craziness get to me.
So, why can't I leave? It's complicated and messy. I cannot afford a lawyer who might protect my pension and savings. He does not have any savings, no 401K/IRA. He spends money frivolously. And, I have enabled everything to the point that I have been in a debt cycle so that our household runs, and our children did not go without when they were younger.
I don't have a question for the forum. Just wanted to introduce myself and say that I'm hopeful to find people who know what my marriage is like.

Hi there,

My parents aren't disordered, but they would drive me bonkers when they visited with me.  For starters, they'd  give me only a few days' notice, not really co-ordinating with me.  I'd try to accommodate as best as I could, but I couldn't easily take time off work, especially at such short notice.  Since they are old-fashioned, they seemed unwilling to understand that a woman might have job responsibilities; they generally assumed that I was available to be a hostess at their convenience.  Then they insisted on bringing their dog, even though I asked them not to (I'm allergic), and they could have found another solution, like boarding or letting the dog stay at my sibling's place one town over.  My parents would point out every defect in my home, thinking they were being helpful, when it felt like constant complaints and/or criticism.  My dad would insist on having the TV on all day, blaring like a siren in an open-plan house, whereas I never turn on the TV until after dinner.  I had a hard time taking work calls, and I struggled to get my work done.  At night, my dad's snoring would disturb my sleep.  In short, my parents demanded my full service, my undivided attention, my servitude, much like when I was a little girl.  (I probably have oldest-girl syndrome.)

One day when staying at my house, my dad asked me for towels, and I gave him my brand new monogrammed set which was a gift.  He proceeded to clean his car's wheels with them.  Apparently the clean state of my car had inspired him to clean his own car.  But what he meant was rags, not towels.  I had forgotten to clarify with him the intended use of the towels, so it was my fault they were ruined.  Apparently my dad forgot the word for rags.  Anyway, what's undeniable is that when my parents aren't in their own home, they feel and act a little off--their routines are disrupted, the travel is hard on them, and they do a lot of things that seem out of character.  My dad literally climbed my bookshelves, because he didn't know if I had a stepstool (I do), and he wanted to see a book on the top shelf (he hadn't read an actual book in years).  He had a tendency to break my furniture, because he was in unfamiliar territory, just too excitable, and maybe a bit clumsy and bored.

My point is, hosting even well-meaning and loving parents can be a huge strain.  Like you, I can probably take only two or three days, the equivalent of a long weekend.  Three days feels like an eternity if there are no activities or scheduled events.  If there are no concrete plans, I'll usually try to manufacture something:  a trip antiquing, a museum visit, at least one brunch or dinner out.  Of course, all that is subject to parental mobility and health issues, but I think you get the idea.  Any longer-term stay deserves a hotel in my opinion.  When I've visited my parents, I've stayed in a hotel on occassion--it's easier on them and me.  The excuse is that there aren't enough bedrooms when multiple family members visit.  Having a hotel is a perfect excuse to give the host(s) a break, too (Why don't we dine out or at the hotel tonight, wouldn't that be fun?).

I think you can set a boundary.  With BPD, it's best to frame a boundary as a benefit to your mother if you can.  You could say something like, We love to have you, but school nights are really chaotic these days, with all the after-school activities and pick-ups, homework that has to get done, and music practice in the evenings.  I really think you would be more comfortable if you could have a quiet place to yourself in a nearby hotel, at least on school nights.  And then I don't have to worry so much about disturbing or overwhelming you.  In other words, if you set some boundaries about your mother's stay that supposedly are for your mother's benefit, you might reduce the possibility of making her feel unwelcome.  Your sanity and calm might be worth a few bucks at a hotel.

Thank you mitochondrium, I know you're right, I've always known this is good advice, I just can't bring myself to detach, even after so long.

Under the Bridge, that's very interesting about how things picked up after 9 months as if nothing had happened. 3 years is a good deal longer, but also my ex never really had a relationship before me, and doesn't seem to have found a replacement. She is also clearly still attached, as evidenced by the months of nostalgic posts that have gotten increasingly direct about missing an ex. I just hope she will round that corner, finally unblock the texts, and be open to a conversation. I believe in my heart that we can find a more stable happiness if we tried again, as I've learned many lessons and grown. We just need to speak. 

I was back in 'her' city over the weekend after being broken up for 18 months (jeez, that flew).

It feels wrong... still thinking about this.

I feel like I've been doing brilliantly, and even being back in the city again was fine.

I visited friends, saw family etc...

Then I saw a friend that she introduced me to.

The guy is a therapist, and I've deliberately never spoken to him about what actually happened.

This time, he sort of casually asked me - and made it clear that he didn't really know the girl any more, and that he was just interested.

I shared some things with him - not everything - and he said that he thought I was probably better off out of the situation.

The more I was there, the more I felt stirred up.

It's a very 'settled' city - lots of married couples and settled people; and it has a strong Christian ethos.

I feel like I'm still trying to get my sh** together in a huge, global-sized city where I share with four other flat mates. I'm 36.

She has a car, a house of her own (well - paid for by her parents), a professional job, and is getting married soon (I know from mutual people).

I'd absolutely love to have her life... which is ridiculous; because I've been in a relationship with her and I know that when the front door closes, she seems to 'switch'.

I never felt respected by her, she pushed on my boundaries routinely, I was her fp and that was really tough (feeling like someone's saviour is just never a good thing).

When we broke up the first time, she spent all week texting me - demanding that I text her back too; but then told me that she'd been on two other dates that week.

When I saw her with another guy later down the line (after we'd broken up again for two months, but had kept in touch); she said that she 'wouldn't talk to me out of respect for him'.

Which sounds mature, but she never respected me - and that last comment of hers hurt so much that I just had to cut contact.

It was then that her partner called to threaten me, and tell me to back off (of course - I actually HAD backed off - most of the contact was coming from her at that point).

The thing is - our mutual friend (the therapist that I met) told me that if I'd seen her in Uni; I'd have been shocked. Apparently she was non-functional then, and he commended her for working on herself so much.

And that's one of the things that *I* admired too.

It makes me feel like she's pulled her life together, and as though I'm just... kind of... a total loser.

I have about eight hours of paid teaching work (I'm a self-employed artist); and I've just finished training to be a therapist myself - but I have 80 or so unpaid hours to do before I can practice.

I have two potential Master's degrees on the horizon...

I really REALLY feel like I can pull life together in the next 2-3 years... it's just so hard right now.

I'm struggling.