Though it's sad and distressing, I think you're doing the right thing, leaving the lines of communication open and waiting patiently until your daughter is ready to re-engage with you.  Yes it's agonizing to see your daughter suffer, as well as experience how ugly and delusional she can act at times, that's untreated BPD.  It's probably unfortunate that she can retreat to her mother's, wallow in misery and avoid getting treatment.  But I think that's just temporary, just for now.  If your daughter is anything like my stepdaughter, she can sleep all day, binge-watch videos and isolate in a bedroom like a pro, but only up to a certain point, maybe for two to six months, before she erupts.  Eventually something will disrupt the status quo . . . an altercation with her mom, a wayward text with an ex-friend or estranged sibling, running out of spending money.  My guess is that your daughter will resume contact with you at some point.  With my BPD stepdaughter at that age, things tended to shift with the arrival of a new season:  in autumn she'd want to go back to college, in spring she'd want to go on spring break (even though she wasn't in school), in summer she'd want to travel and go to the beach, and in the winter holiday season, well that would usually coincide with a total meltdown.

But, with a little separation, you're better able to work on you and your stuff.  I think you should model for your dear daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes self-care, therapy if you need it, and time for hobbies, vacations and friends.  Now more than ever your daughter needs Calm, Healthy, Balanced and Reasonable Dad.  If you're in a better headspace, I think it's easier to handle what your daughter hurls your way, with a clearer, steady head, and firm but reasonable boundaries.  She won't like it, and she might up the ante at first--that's called an extintion burst, resorting to tactics that previously worked for her (yelling, hurling insults, making threats).  You need to be strong and resolute.  Right now your daughter is saying she doesn't want your support, and she doesn't want you to contact her.  But I think reality is the exact opposite:  she needs you desperately, and she wants to be close to you.  But she can't right now because she knows she's acting meanly, and she's ashamed about that, though she's working hard to create a narrative to convince herself otherwise (for example by saying you owe her reparations for her childhood).

I still see some glimmers of hope in your posts.  Your daughter says she wants a life, a house, a job, a family.  That to me is something.  A few years ago if I asked my BPD stepdaughter what she wanted, I think she'd really have no clue, and what she professed to want sounded delusional (e.g. to be discovered as a super model, which to me sounded like wanting to be a quarterback in the NFL without having ever played JV football in high school).  But your daughter, she wants a JOB.  She wants a HOME.  She wants a FAMILY.  Those are all realistic, obtainable.  Now, you and I know that most people have to work several years to build up to that gradually, whereas your daughter is probably super impatient.  But to me, she sounds reasonable, at least in terms of aspirations.  My sense is that with the right therapy, she could probably make a lot of progress towards one or two of her goals in a couple of years:  a job, maybe an apartment with a roommate, maybe a boyfriend, maybe a pet.  That would be the beginnings of a real adult's life. 

If you have a joint account with her I am not too sure you will be able to empty out the funds legally. She can come back at you and ask for her half.  I know you said there wasn't much in there.  Just something to think of.  I do know how you feel. I too am in the planning stages of proposing a separation and I feel so guilty at times sneaking around and getting all the information and documents I need.  It's unfortunate but you do what you have to do.  I pray everything works out well for you.  Soon enough you will be free from all this.  Best of luck.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062197.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

Hi Sanch@2017,

Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m really glad you found us.

It sounds like you’ve already started doing some reading and reflection. A lot of members here first arrive after coming across Stop Walking on Eggshells, and many say the same thing you did, that it felt like the book was describing their own relationship. It can be a powerful moment of clarity.

I moved your post over to the Bettering a Relationship board since you mentioned you are still in the relationship right now. That section tends to be the best place to start when someone is trying to understand the dynamics and learn some new tools while still involved.

Please feel free to look around the other boards as well and participate wherever something resonates with you. Many members read across several sections as they learn and figure out what fits their situation.

It sounds like you’re in a learning mode and looking for clarity and wisdom. You’ll find many people here who have walked a similar path and are working through the same questions.

When you feel ready, you might share a little more about what has been the hardest part of the relationship lately, or what makes leaving feel frightening right now.

Again, welcome. I’m glad you’re here.

Mutt

Hi,
I live in DFW area and am a gay male, 60 years.  Married to a BPD who is 35 for 10 years.  I am done with this relationship.  I no longer feel the feelings that i used to feel and am just done.  However, I discovered the SWOE book and workbook and see that 99%applies to my spouse. I am afraid to leave.

So i am in a learning mode and seeking clarity, wisdom, and comradery.

Thanks!

Hi samss,

Thanks for coming back and sharing an update with us.

I’m glad to hear you were able to find some support in real life. Having a therapist who understands BPD can help bring a bit of grounding when things feel this overwhelming.

It also sounds like there’s been a bit of a shift for you. Earlier it felt like you were trying to put out all the fires at once, and now it seems like you’re focusing more on yourself and the things you actually can control. That’s not always an easy pivot to make, but it can bring a little more steadiness.

The line that really stood out to me was when you said your heart hurts knowing this is what she is like right now. Under everything else, it sounds like a dad who loves his daughter deeply and is trying to figure out how to hold onto that love while also taking care of himself.

Working on your own footing and leaving the door open without chasing can be a hard kind of love.

You’re not alone here.

Hi,

Thank you for checking in on me. I found a therapist that specializes in BPD. She sent me this PDF that she asked me to share with my daughter. My daughter's response was "I don't want your support. I want you to leave me alone and not contact me again." I'm sure when the money for copays runs out she'll be in touch again. The therapist said that when she wants more money that I have to make it a stipulation that if I pay for her copays then she has to come to family therapy with me to see this therapist.

My daughter's rages and lashing out are just obscene. She says the vilest and meanest things. There's nothing to respond to when she says them. I don't even bother. She probably sees it as having won. I'm sorry for her. I have a mixture of pity and love for her every time I interact with her.

She said previously she was jealous of me for having had a child and a life and a job and a place to live and that she would never have any of those things. She is stuck in her inaction. She blames the various ailments as the cause. She won't even take any baby steps because her mother enables her because it makes our daughter dependent on her mom.

For now, I'm working on me and my stuff. I left it that I'll always be there for her if she wants to reach out. My heart just hurts knowing this is what she is like now.

That is a lot to deal with at once, all while being out of work and not really feeling missed by your team members.  I can see how that would really weigh on someone- especially with her kid out living life.

For the pizza thing, I wouldn't sweat it too much.  You did it with honest intentions and it didn't work out that way.  In real relationships, people forgive and forget, so hopefully that's what you have.

So do I. She is a good woman. She has much on her mind at the moment. I’ve said when a relationship gets to a year something usually comes along to test that relationship.

There are many things. She has fallen out with her brother and not spoken to him for two years, because their parents are elderly and need help and she feels she isn’t getting that help from him.
Her daughter has gone travelling for a year, and 4 months in she is missing her.
She has a bad knee and couldn’t really walk. She hasn’t been able to work in the bar for over a month. She feels she hasn’t been supported by people at work and the atmosphere has been toxic there for a while (it has, I agree) and she thought I wasn’t supporting her or sticking up for her because I hadn’t told her that I actually had. She now knows I have, and thanked me and also thanked me for the fact that in a year I only missed going in for one of her shifts and that I used to help her tidy up and lock up without fail (well once, in a year) She quit the job this Saturday and feels better for doing so.
Our year anniversary of getting together. I’d asked her in the morning if she wanted to do something. She said see how the day goes and we didn’t end up doing anything. I’d gone home to feed the dogs and made some pizza dough to cook a couple of pizzas. We had spoken about doing this together as I’d suggested it a few weeks ago, and when she asked what I was up to I told her I had made some pizza dough. Because I am an idiot I didn’t realise this was insensitive and would trigger her, as in my male brain I think we can do this together whenever and the fact I was doing it to knock up some food for my son wasn’t a problem. It was.

That being said, it’s the only mistake I have made in a year. Although this was nearly a week after the letter came, and the messages changed

Hi there samss,

Checking in with you after you have had a chance to process all this.

Many times I've witnessed my adult BPD stepdaughter attempt to air out her grievances with family members, purportedly to seek out apologies or some sort of closure, only to be disappointed yet again.  Once I asked my stepdaughter, what sort of response would satisfy her?  She said something like, She should be punished.  Then I pressed, Well let's say she's locked up in jail for ten years.  How would that make you feel any better?  She looked shocked as she realized, her pain and distress wouldn't go away.  Yet she doesn't quite realize that she misattributes the sources of her distress.  She still tends to blame others, when I think her central issues are unrealistic expectations, giving up too easily and retreating in avoidance of the stress of adult life.

Sometimes I wonder if my stepdaughter just wants to go back to being a kid, and be taken care of like one.  I think she pines for the carefree summers of sleepovers and hanging out.  I've noticed that she gravitates towards kids' movies, perhaps triggering a sense of nostalgia in her?  When both her (long divorced) parents sold their homes when she reached college age, I think she experienced the change as "trauma."  She characterized the situation as being "homeless," which was untrue--she had her own bedroom in both her bio parents' new homes.  Her parents just didn't need to live close to her childhood neighborhood anymore, because she had graduated from high school.  I guess I'm trying to say that I think her big "trauma" in life is having to grow up and be an adult, when she's not ready and would prefer being taken care of like a kid.  She's not ready to face the stresses of managing her day, making money, handling a budget, making tough choices, carving out an adult's life for herself.  And she's furious that her former friends have moved on, as they are busy with their adult lives, while making her feel left out, as well as extremely jealous of all their accomplishments.  I think that's the source of a lot of her anger . . . and she's furious at her parents for pushing her to grow up before she's ready.  Maybe she feels "abandoned," because she doesn't feel right living with her parents anymore, and her friends have left her behind.  Maybe she craves finding a husband to take care of her, but she just hasn't had a serious romantic relationship yet, and she's mad about that too.  Her life just isn't fair!!!!  Does that ring true?