Hi sadbpdmom,

I think if pwbpd want to cut us off there doesnt always logically have been a wrong or wrong thing that we have done to deserve it..... we are just damned if we do or damned if we dont.

Hi simplelife2026,

I hope things will get better for you soon. I have been 5 years estranged from my udd31 and I remember literally praying every night to be able to experience some peace in my life before I died....thats how bad it was.

Many parents here also blame themselves for all sorts of things and Iam amongst them. My udd was very clingy as a young child, she was also jealous and possessive, was a great fabricator of stories and got upset if she wasnt the centre of attention. When she became a preteen I did all the usual things parents do to try to discipline an average rebellious teen. I even attended a course for parents who were experiencing difficulties with their teens and the other parents expressed  shocked when I told them what I was happening in my home.
What you have to remember is that our pwbpd have a serious mental illness and must be willing to put in the work with professional help to conquer it. You couldnt have known what you were dealing with unless you had come across it before (I know that I certainly hadnt) and  that we have tried our best with what knowledge we had at the time.

Before my marriage fell apart some two decades ago, we had a young mutual friend who asked us to drive her to the hospital.  Turned out she had cut herself deeper than she'd anticipated and she had no choice but to fess up to it.  She wasn't trying to kill herself.  Her explanation was that when she caused pain herself by cutting then she was in control of the pain.

That was before I got my crash course in BPD and mental health disorders.  If they are having flashbacks that reinforce the trauma feedback loop, one possible way to weaken that repeating pattern is discussed here.

I’m not offended. I wasn’t clear. She had been talking about and planning the music festival for a year.  She had cut my parents off 2 years before my father died.  She would not have attended the funeral even if she had been home when he died. She just wanted to know when it happened. He began to decline about 4-5 months before he passed and that’s when I asked if she wanted to be notified. When he died, she was at the place she told me she was happiest.  We didn’t want to take that away from her.  In retrospect, it was not the right decision. But I also feel that if it wasn’t that, something else would have caused her to cut me off.

We kids used humor as a coping mechanism. If there was drama, if we were frustrated with interactions with her, we'd call each other up to talk about it. The situation wasn't funny but we'd find some way to laugh over it.

If anyone had heard us (thankfully not- we kept it between us) they'd think we were being disrespectful but our words were not to ever be heard by anyone else. It was our shared secret way of coping. We didn't want this to be hurtful or disrecpectful to her.

We don't do that now, as BPD mother is deceased and there isn't the dynamic to cope with. It was sad for her. I think of our finding humor as a positive way for us to cope.

Hi and welcome, simplelife2026! (I'm also hoping for a simpler life in 2026, too)

When BPD is in play, it affects not only pwBPD (persons with BPD), but also people around them -- spouses, parents, children, siblings, friends... which is what you and your family have gone through for years. And yes -- pwBPD don't always help us to "bring our best" to conflicts, I get it.

You sound beyond tired, so I'm curious what your support system looks like right now? Do you have a counselor or therapist?

You mentioned your D24 also has alcohol use issues -- even if she doesn't think she has BPD, does she agree that alcohol is a problem?

And does she have any kids?

Family life with a pwBPD is a marathon for sure (my husband's kids' mom has many traits, and those have influenced how his teen kids interact with us... not easy). We're glad you reached out, so please keep posting and sharing whenever works for you. And again,

Mostly verbal. S9 was gearing up for a tantrum yesterday when I dropped him off, but he calmed down.

D17 says she shouldn't be in residential treatment because she wasn't trying to kill herself, as if her behavior wasn't reckless and dangerous.

S9 feels betrayed that I put him back in a facility. He was traumatized by the last one.

I got some much needed sleep and have begun packing today.

Two friends I used to work with reached out and said they work at the treatment center where my children are, and they will take good care of them.

Ubpdxh has two cousins who are moving into my house after we leave. They came by today and told me not to stress about getting everything out before the first. I have some time to get organized and moved, and they will take the stuff that I don't want or want to give to goodwill.

One day at a time.

Hoping that medication changes will be made for both kiddos.

 For both D17 & S9, is the anger about treatment mostly verbal or "tantrum"? I.e. saying things like "I hate it here, nobody ever listens to me" or pouting/yelling/stomping/door slamming?

I ask because if that's mostly it... but they're not eloping/escaping, then that sounds normal and, in a weird way, age-appropriate to me. Doesn't make it easier on you though, but if the anger is limited to words and "foot stomping" but the kids are fundamentally compliant, then it's stressful but survivable.

Source: I was a 19 year old in an IOP

I can relate to having an excessive attachment to things and keeping a messy house. My mother with BPD was obsessed with having the perfect house and often told her children they were slobs. She tried to love her children by giving them so many nice things and money. PSI is so helpful in being able to understand how I am affected by such a dysfunctional family system.

Hi At_My_End,

Your post reminds me so much of my first post here when my udd was also 14yo. My homelife  at the time was a living h#ll and I honestly had the same thoughts of either one of us having to leave home at the time. My overall advice is take it one day at a time because it is so easy to get overwhelmed and thinking of living that way for years to come is just so overwhelming and depressing. These are the things I did that didnt take a whole lot of time or money.

Reading up on the behaviours will help. whether your udd is dx'd or not its  the frequency of the behaviours that count.

For instance the lying... I felt that I could never have an honest conversation with my udd because she lied so much and I would get so worked up over it. We would go back and forth about it because I knew she was lying but she would NEVER admit to it. Morally I felt it was wrong and felt frustrated about it. What was the purpose even over trivial stuff? I just wanted her to admit it. Even with proof she wouldnt admit it, but it wasnt until I read that lying is a part of the behaviours associated with Bpd that I was  able to be not so invested in getting my udd to tell the truth and honestly my stress levels and b/p dramatically improved.

Applying boundaries also improved life and were important for me even if udd didnt like them. She rebelled against them but I stuck with them and once I started enforcing them we both knew that there was no going back

I also kept a diary around this time, but it was difficult to keep up with it as so much would happen in just one day, but it was there for me to record my thoughts and feelings. I felt that I had literally worn people out by talking about udd so much so put it to paper. It will also be a great way to look back and see just how far you have come and how you are much stronger and more resilient than you think you are. My udd is 31yo and her teen years was the N01 worse  period of my life (so far) but taking it one day at a time will get you through it.

I hope dbt works for your udd. My udd wouldnt try anything so their is hope there if she is willing.

I also think it is worth seeing a therapist of your own or if you can be referred by your gp for mental health support.

Also making the time to focus on yourself is very important too. I found I couldnt concentrate to read a book if it wasnt about Bpd, but I found long  walks very therapeutic at the time.