I think you did well with your conversation with your step father.

I think the "managing" other's feelings is something we here relate to. It's been a survival skill we learned in our own families growing up. That you are aware of it and can rationalize it when speaking to others is a good way to manage this.

Thank you for this advice.  I put it into practice in my phone call this week and my stepfather and I had a really good conversation.  When he said something about my mother that I didn't agree with, I just listened and asked him how that memory made him feel.  When he said something positive about my mom that I actually agreed with, I was able to make a sincere comment.  We ended our call talking about future plans and projects and it felt like we were making progress on how to communicate without my mother being the central subject.

Reflecting back on how I interacted with my mom, stepdad, husband, and my own children, I see how I was always trying to manage (control) them so that mom didn't lash out at them or at me. I fall back into old patterns sometimes, worrying if someone is angry or upset until I remember something fundamental - they're not my mom.  Even if these people are upset, I know they'll talk to me in a rational, respectful way, seeking to find solutions, not hurt me.  It's like I was walking around all my life with weights on my feet and I thought it was normal.  What an incredible amount of energy I wasted on that woman.

We are here and we are listening.  As peer support, we have "been there, done that" too.  Please feel free to browse, ponder, share and ask.

Most of us never learned of a diagnosis, especially since persons with BPD traits (pwBPD) often resist going to counselors or therapists.  So the best we can do is conclude for ourselves what we are dealing with based upon what we see and experience of the behavior and patterns.

Cheating is not uncommon in these dysfunctional relationships.  If fidelity is important to you - as it often is in normal relationships - then of course you need to ponder whether there is a realistic future with you and your girlfriend.

But first you would do well to educate yourself about this acting-out personality disorder, not just what it is but also how you can communicate better and set more practical boundaries to handle the extreme ups and downs.

Ask your questions and we'll do our best to answer them or point you in the right direction for answers.

Of course, we are peer support and not professionals.  You are also welcome to seek out counselors and therapists in your local area for in-person sessions.

Many here have walked in your shoes.  In some ways it was a struggle to survive since too often the spouse was sabotaging and obstructing emotionally, financially, parenting, etc.

We do have a Tools & Skills Workshops board (one of many) that lists many hard-won insights and concepts the community here has collected over the years.

If you do decide the marriage has failed, there may be a surprising outcome.  If you have a separate residence, the children may visit you more frequently or perhaps even return.  You never know.

Speaking of the children, even though they're grown, their childhood was severely impacted.  What you don't want is for them to choose their own relationships unwisely.  The examples they saw as kids and teens were not conducive for them to learn what normal home life should be like.  Just as you've benefited from counseling or therapy, they too can be encouraged to take advantage of the objective value of similar sessions.

When the BPD traits cause a couple to separate, the distance apart can make it appear the disordered person is better.  But too often the person isn't better, the distance and time apart gives that impression and of course, as hopeful as reasonably normal people tend to be, we are willing to try again.

But this is reality and the dysfunction has, almost predictably, become evident again.  We wish it weren't so but trying again however many times does not confirm actual recovery.  Recovery requires hard work and typically focused therapeutic guidance.

Be prepared for the future.  You may have repeats of your hope that "this time he really is better".  Their push/pull on/off cycling had fooled us in the past but once we are aware of that risk we are better prepared.  "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."

Thank you for these thoughtful replies. That's what I have done in the past - many times, and it works up to a point. He comes back and really tries to show up, but it ends with some conflict and he cuts contact again.

After him uninviting us to his wedding it feels unnatural to me, to message and say 'Merry Christmas', like nothing happened. I'm starting to wonder if it feels like another micro fresh start for him when we do this.

It makes it a bit extra hard with the two of them because her communication and behaviour is very disordered and really nasty. He avoids and she attacks.

At least now I have several months before I need to worry about that. Thanks again!

I hope the tests come back in dad's favor. [Keeping fingers crossed] He sounds like a sweetheart.

My dBPD mom was the one who was very ill starting in 2023. I decided to stop NC/LC and take an active part in the short time she had. I didn't challenge her any longer over her behavior towards me.  She died in late 2025.

I believe it's fine to cease or continue NC. It depends upon what you think is right.

About mom's apology, there's no winning with disordered people. I have plenty in my family. I've learned the hard way that setting vocal boundaries/
confrontation, asking for an apology sets me up for painful retaliation later even if I get that insincere apology. I've been the subject of smear campaigns. Have been needled into a fight to make me look bad. They were looking for new smear campaign material with that.   I've learned to be Buddha-like and keep my cool. I'm polite and limit personal information said. It combines self-protection with being gracious and respectful.

pwBPD are incapable of self reflection because they have a mental illness. It's like walking near a street person with schizophrenia. They ask me the time and I politely tell them. I know they'll start screaming or saying illogical things. I hope for the best for them and move on.

These are just suggestions. You do what you think is right.

I second Notwendy's suggestion to not stay in your family home if you fly in to see dad. A hotel, friend's place or AirBnB give you time to disengage from mom's unpredictable behavior and shore yourself up for dad.

Thank you, I’m grateful for the advice, I think it’s better mentally for me to view the breakup as gospel and move my life forward accordingly without any hesitation or restraint and then possibly be pleasantly surprised if she reaches out and has done any reflection or grown at all rather than disappointed if she doesn’t contact me unprompted.

I may reach out once around the 3 month mark post-breakup with a “how are you doing” just to test the waters. I guess that would depend on where I am/where she is 2 months from now, we’ll see. I’m just still left reeling by the emotional whiplash of everything being great to suddenly being discarded, but ah well, that’s life I suppose, can’t force someone to choose me.

Thank you.

True apologies are rare with BPD because they feel so much grief inside, it gets internalized and everything else is forgotten.  It becomes all about them and how they're the perpetual victim, not because they want to be that way, but because they're mentally ill and they vastly overthink everything in an emotional state.

For instance, your mom said, "I'm sorry you feel I...."  That's a classic victim statement, poor me for what you think I am.  It's not an apology at all, yet at the same time, it might be the best she has after months or years of disordered thinking over what initially happened.  You could tell us in detail and honestly, it doesn't matter, because that version of events has long been erased within your mom's mind.

My advice- take the olive branch if you can.  She's mentally ill and can't do much more than she already did today.  If it gets you all together to spend time with your dad, then it's a best-case scenario.

Sure, we don't know what she was thinking and I wasn't trying to imply anything other than that behavior is common in this type of situation and the BPD quickly finds a new person (which could be a family member, a friend, or a new relationship).  The pattern is quickly filling that void so they don't have to think about it or actually grieve it the way you or I would- that's likely why she seemed so cold and distant, in her mind she had already moved on.

It's so incredibly challenging, especially the not knowing what's actually happening on her end.  I don't think you should blame yourself though because like you said, you immediately agreed to work on any problems she mentioned.  This sounds like a classic discard phase where she's painted you black for whatever reason...and the reason is always mental health related.


I'm glad that you're staying busy and I hope you lean into your social network to help you regroup.  The trip sounds like great timing as well and hopefully you have a good time.

In terms of "Is NC the only path?"  Many here would say yes, while others would recommend light, minimal contact.  The reason is because when she broke things off and you pressed with ways to fix things, that essentially made her run.  If BPD's suddenly end a relationship and the other person presses them, they feel smothered and the need for immediate space.  I had the exact same thing happen in my relationship and I did exactly what you did.  She's highly emotional though and logic can't solve the problem, at least not until she's ready to talk.

So if you want to check in once every few weeks with a "How are you doing" sort of thing, that's generally safe unless you get pushback (or ignored) from even that.  The problem is, when you reach out and she doesn't reply, then when do you reach out again?  It's like a never-ending guessing game.

For right now, NC is the wisest strategy until she makes contact with you...or a healthy amount of time has passed.  It is really unfortunate but that's the mental health factor in all this and the hallmark signs of BPD.  Your story could literally be 100 other people's stories here, they're all so similar.  Around 50% had their ex reach back out though once they backed off for a period of time.  I hope that helps.