I was in a similar situation- early 40's, my BPD ex suddenly turned nasty every now and then. It was never a full explosion like she had in her early 20's, but she'd snap at me over nothing and then pretend like it never happened. Each year in her 40's, it got worse and she was also tested for early menapause. I haven't heard many others talk about that here but I've always thought there was a direct connection. My ex would have been the unconventional type as well.
I did want to point out that mood stabilizers can certainly help BPDs since...well, they help stabilize moods. BPDs are given a wide range of prescriptions to treat the symptoms of their condition (depression, mood swings, etc) and they also tend to not like how the medicine makes them feel. None of us are doctors or psychiatrists here so we can't talk that in depth, I just wanted you to know that medicines absolutely can help if the right combination is found by her doctor.
One more thing- getting out does not mean ending the marriage. In many cases, it can improve it considerably. This is a hard boundary just like anything else, saying that you're not going to accept the abuse anymore. It could be a good first step if you decide to take it.
I wish you luck and please keep us updated!
I did want to point out that mood stabilizers can certainly help BPDs since...well, they help stabilize moods. BPDs are given a wide range of prescriptions to treat the symptoms of their condition (depression, mood swings, etc) and they also tend to not like how the medicine makes them feel. None of us are doctors or psychiatrists here so we can't talk that in depth, I just wanted you to know that medicines absolutely can help if the right combination is found by her doctor.
One more thing- getting out does not mean ending the marriage. In many cases, it can improve it considerably. This is a hard boundary just like anything else, saying that you're not going to accept the abuse anymore. It could be a good first step if you decide to take it.
I wish you luck and please keep us updated!
You've been in a difficult and distressing home life for many years, but it no doubt feels better to have decided a different path for yourself.
Be aware that the risks of conflict and even DV are higher in the months just before and after separation. Anything may happen, so be prepared whatever happens, whether shen tries to pull you back or she schemes to "frame you for mischief" or poses as a victim to put you at a disadvantage in a divorce. People with BPD traits (pwBPD) may be disordered and mentally ill but they also have had decades to develop master skills of manipulation. She may very well notice a slight change in your attitude or patterns.
Now even more than in the past you need to be especially calm and not even raise your voice to her.
I do not actually feel better right now. I am scared. This could get really really bad. I know what I need to do, but getting there safely is going to be a challenge.Be aware that the risks of conflict and even DV are higher in the months just before and after separation. Anything may happen, so be prepared whatever happens, whether shen tries to pull you back or she schemes to "frame you for mischief" or poses as a victim to put you at a disadvantage in a divorce. People with BPD traits (pwBPD) may be disordered and mentally ill but they also have had decades to develop master skills of manipulation. She may very well notice a slight change in your attitude or patterns.
Now even more than in the past you need to be especially calm and not even raise your voice to her.
My attitudes and patterns have changed the past few months as I started to figure things out. It is hard to say if she has noticed. One thing that was a change is that I started to allow myself to show anger when she interrupted me. She has been doing this for many years, and I have tried talking to her about it. But when I started to get angry about it the behavior changed. She interrupts me a whole lot less now. But it seems to be a subconscious response, and she has not said anything about it.
I know that my anger (or any anger) is tough for her to handle. It is unfortunate, but the few times I have gotten really angry at her are the times that there have been changes. But I do not want her to be different because of fear.
But for the most part I do try to play the game.I keep doing all the things I have always done to keep things calm. Sometimes I dislike that I am doing it, but my therapist reminded me that I am doing it to keep myself emotionally safe.
There are some books on this site about ways to do the split. I really need to get and read one of those to help me find a safe way to extract myself.
Thank you for your time and thoughts.


