Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I've been where you're at.  My BPD daughter is now 27 but I remember those early teenage years like they were yesterday.

First, don't worry so much about BPD or NPD.  They overlap on the spectrum and most will have traits in both categories.  With that said, there's traditional and non-traditional (quiet) BPD, and they do display quite differently.  I know because my ex-wife fell in the latter caregory while my oldest kid was traditional.

My biggest question is how we can support you personally- what are a few of the things that are the biggest challenges day to day?  Talk that out a little bit.  Also, know that mental illness is a family disease because it affects everyone in the home, especially at 14.  It's great that all of you are in therapy and hopefully you realize that this is not your fault.

Please ask the tough questions, rant away when you need to, and let us know how we can help!  You are not alone in this anymore.

Hi, Update here

At the end of June, I started spending time with my friend on my streams. My ex disappeared for a while, she appeared again on July 14, then entered on July 15, unfollowed me from the main account and then came back again as anonymous. I wrote her this message: "Hi (nick fake account), you don't have to hide, I know it's you anyway. She replied like this: "What? Do you realize that none of these accounts are me? I had an observation from before, and if I went in, it was to undo it. I'm happy without you in my life.” The problem is that while it is true that she undone the observation, it is already a lie that the fake account is not her. Do you think I should confront her further, or maybe it's better to leave her with the feeling of being caught by the hand? I think a day later she tried to compensate herself for being caught, because she changed the description on Instagram to indicate her current partner.

I don't know why she lied, after all, she could admit that it was her, but it's over and she's happy in her new life. Is it just me that her answer was supposed to provoke me to fight for rights?
Love you guys and thanks from the support.

Hey Jazz!

I remember having this conversation with a few family members when they were no longer safe to drive.  It's a hard one and nobody wants to admit that they can't see or focus as well as they used to.  If your husband won't hang up the keys on his own, hopefully his license renewal is coming up and the DMV will make that decision for him.

Other than that, just let the man drive.  Eventually he will have an accident and they will likely take his license.  I hate that for you but you can't do anything else in your situation.

Fiveringleader,
Welcome, you will find support and encouragement here from others who truly understand. What is so clear by your post is that you are a loving and involved Mom. I have an adult son wubpd so my current situation is much different. His years from teen to young adult were very turbulent with running away, self harm suicidal thoughts, bullying, violent relationships.... All that to say he has a younger brother who has lived in the wreckage and fallout. It's admirable that you have the whole family in therapy.  As far as moving the needle I'd say take care of yourself too. Whatever gives you stress relief make time for it. Also, continue to share your struggles and worries here.
I'll be praying for you and your family. 

NotWendy,

Thanks so much.

I realize than my son can’t do much, and neither can I. In addition, my H would never consent to any sort of testing, etc.  He’s “Terrific!”  He claims, “There’s nothing wrong with me” — At least there’s nothing wrong that he will  admit to.  His confession that night was done in a rare moment of clarity.   

I understand — He’s entitled to his autonomy.  I just pray that he doesn’t hurt anyone.  I also hope he doesn’t follow through with these car trips. So far, the one for tonight doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

JazzSinger

Councils on Aging are great sources of advice. I also called adult social services. Even though I coudn't intervene- it was helpful to know what resources are there. Their advice was at no charge.

If you can get a court order, great.

My father did accidentally hit another car. Fortunately nobody was hurt, and I hoped this would be what got him to stop. However, my parents consulted an attorney and somehow got Dad's driving privileges restored.

If your son becomes power of attorney in the case it is ever needed- he also needs to know what the legal aspect of this is too- to protect himself. Facilities are known to want family to sign and take on the costs, but there could be resources like Medicaid for that and a power of attorney does not have to take that on.

Where he can be of help as POA is to help a parent with keeping up with bills, and other functions, and in the case the parent isn't able to make decisions, help with that. As long as my mother was legally competent, being POA did not override her decisions.

P.S.

I had another thought.  You might try contacting your local senior center.  My guess is this sort of situation happens all the time.  They might give you advice, as well as tips on alternate transportation services.

I agree.  For therapy to help, a bond must be built and trust has to be earned.  On the other hand, the therapist cannot risk entering into a friend zone relationship.

Hi Jazz,

Good to hear from you again.  The driving situation sounds dangerous indeed.  I'd say you don't drive with him anymore unless you're behind the wheel yourself.

You could offer to arrange for alternate transportation, such as an Uber.  You might also consider initiating a process to have him medically evaluated for driving.  I imagine that you could contact your local DMV for advice.  They could give him a road and vision test.

If all that fails and your husband still listens to you, you could try to convince him not to drive at night anymore.  I've encouraged my elderly mom to limit night driving as much as possible.

Look, I had a similar situation in my extended family (ex BIL).  He had many near-misses while transporting his kids in his car.  He has several dings on his car, and he'll get lost on familiar routes, such as when picking up his kids at their school.  Eventually, family court removed his ability to drive his kids.  I bet that interviews with the kids about the near-misses and getting lost had some weight, together with his alarming physical condition as described in his medical reports.  I think his license should have been suspended, but the court didn't go that far.  Nevertheless, his physical deterioration is severe enough that I think he relies on others (his mom, his brother, Uber) to drive him everywhere anyway.

Just my two cents.