Popcorn, thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly.

I am in a similar place in some ways. The loss of a shared life, shared values and a shared future is harder to deal with than the loss of the relationship.

One reason why these relationships are so compelling is the mirroring. They offer you something that looks perfect for you, because it is a mask that was constructed to please you. It isn't real. But the plus side is, you can look at what was in the mirror, or mask, and recognise qualities that you, as an independent person, have. There must be something there, or else they can't reflect it back.

'Make all my hopes and dreams come to life just to lay them to rest' - OK, but you *have* hopes and dreams. You have a life that you want to enjoy and work towards. You have feelings and needs and goals of your own, not just a desire to be pleased and validated by a partner. Isn't that a wonderful thing? Even the pain you're experiencing now shows that you *exist*.

People with this disorder aren't so lucky. Often, they don't know who they are or what they want outside of reflecting someone else. You are moving forward, going to school, finding momentum. You are alright

Well, an update from this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062208.0

Yes, he cheated on me with our mutual friend/ workmate.

Yes, he lied to my face about who he had slept with and about conversations they had afterwards.

Yes, he/ they concealed this from me the next couple months, while we still worked closely together.

Yes, it is the second time he has done this.

I say firstly: , and secondly, lmao.

But thirdly: there were always signs he lacked integrity. And honestly, I knew this. I learned of actions he undertook which lacked integrity before our relationship, and now after. There were also things that contradicted our values that he would have done while we were together, but he told me he didn't, because I was guiding him. But also - because he was 'afraid of me'.

Fear and being guided by another person are not a basis for integrity. They can only come from oneself.

I knew this, or should have known. I chose not to look, or to construct a story where I would be some kind of saviour or hero who would teach him to be different. And wasn't that my own responsibility, a wilful blindness from my own needs and ego?

I'm not sure why I still find it hard to detach. Honestly, I knew what I had with this person was not the 'great love' I had believed in the beginning. There were too many discrepancies between what he said and what turned out to be actual. And that caused great instability in our relationship and in my sense of what was going on.

I don't want to be with this person. I can't live with manipulations and lies, or even with the exhaustion of being his daily keeper and caretaker. But I feel great grief for the shared life and shared values we were building (I thought we were building) together.

There are some steps I am taking where I am moving towards goals and a future which I thought were shared goals - things he said he deeply, desperately wanted. But I don't know if they were really his goals, or my mirrored goals. But in the end, I'm moving towards them. And it turns out I was by myself in this all along.

 

Normal.  What is normal?  Too many of us felt we had to normalize our relationships, even when they became increasingly abnormal.  What we initially would not have tolerated in our lives - whether conflict or even abuse -  eventually was tolerated when repeated over and over.  This is an aspect of how we humans adjust to our environment.  It is strange how our reaction to our experiences tends toward it being a "normalizing" factor.

As an example, many readers would be shocked and stunned to experience a hurricane or earthquake.  Yet for those who live in hurricane or earthquake zones they would be accustomed to such possibilities.  More than that, they would also make preparations and use strategies to minimize the impact on their lives and welfare.

This may or may not help, but when my BPD ex suddenly broke up with me, I felt like the world had ended.  I couldn't imagine a life outside that relationship since we had been together for so long, raised kids together, etc.  So I went through similar patterns, not as bad as what you describe, but the same things over and over.  The same arguments and accusations.  The same whispers behind my back with sideways glances.

Maybe 6-9 months after the relationship ended, I realized that what I clung onto so tightly was the comfort of our relationship.  Sure, it was bad sometimes, but she knew how I liked my coffee, we had the same hobbies, we could finish each other's sentences, etc.  Even though the stuff that really mattered wasn't there, I stuck around because it's what I did for 20+ years and it now felt entirely normal.

I'm not trying to say for you to stay or leave here, so please don't take my story as inspiration on what to do.  Instead, I just wanted to show that what I thought was a normal relationship in the moment was actually a disaster once I had some distance from it and enough time to process.  You can't truly evaluate your own relationship because it feels so darn normal.

If you're unsure, some time apart would do you wonders.  I'm not saying to end things or even separate, nothing that drastic.  But stepping back even for a short period of time can really open your eyes to what you have and how it completes you as a person.  Maybe her occasional rants are normal, maybe they're completely abnormal.  I can't say as an outsider looking in.  But you can find that answer on your own by putting some distance from the fighting and anger.

One more thing- nobody wins an argument when BPD is involved...absolutely everyone loses 100% of the time.  So if you can hold back from exploding or find a different way to avoid the fight, then it goes a really long way to stabilizing the relationship.  Likewise, finding different communication patterns is massive since it allows you to discuss sensitive topics without declaring war. 

I'll admit, I was lousy at it most of the time, and I got so much better after we separated.  Why?  For the reasons I just discussed...I saw things from a fresh perspective and recognized the mental illness patterns.  I realized that the fighting had nothing at all to do with me and was 100% about disordered thinking with my ex feeling horrible inside.  That changed my anger into compassion and the arguing completely stopped naturally.

I hope that helped, I tried to hit "both sides of the fence" there.

So classic!  That's exactly the sort of thing that happens with the uNPD BIL in my life.  It's as if the opening of 529 accounts were for show, for bragging rights mostly.  Nevertheless, your partner falters when it comes to actually funding and administering the accounts.  He's "above" banal details like tax forms and selecting investment allocations, let alone making recurring contributions.  If you dare call him out on it, he turns around and accuses you of being shady!

Here's the rub though:  I suspect there's more to it than mere selfishness when it comes to actually funding the accounts.  I wouldn't be surprised if your partner were confused by the whole process, and instead of getting help (for example by talking with an account rep), he shuts down completely, lest he be "exposed" for his lack of knowledge.  Moreover, when you ask him for forms, you're reminding him that you are better informed than he is, and he feels compelled to insult you, to put you in your proper place.  Every time you mention the 529, it's a reminder that you are outperforming and outshining him, and he can't stand it.  Rather than be grateful for your contribution to the future security of your kids, he's too busy feeling ashamed, and then angry.  So he'll change the subject to highlight how he helps the kids some other way, which doesn't solve the 529 issue at hand.  Does that sound about right?

I guess this is consistent with some of my prior points:  not to rely on him for much economic or logistical support.  That extends to administrative affairs, such as handling 529 accounts.  Sure, he'll want to be involved if it makes him LOOK good in front of others.  If he's like my disordered NPD BIL, he'll brag to family, co-workers and friends about how sophisticated and generous he is, setting up the 529s.  But when there's any work or sacrifice, he's unreliable.  My advice is, just plan for that.  It sounds like you know he's not reliable when it really counts.  That's sad, but then again I think it's sadder to be constantly disappointed.  I like the idea of taking the reins wherever it matters for the kids.

PS, kudos for taking care of your kids and being financially savvy.  You sound amazing.  They are so lucky to have you.

This is what I did with difficult people when I had a job. This is what I do with the neighbor. It's tends to remove the target from your back. They have an itch they need to scratch and will look elsewhere.

 I do this when the line's been crossed a few times. I don't confront the person but let the 3rd party (City agency in my case handle it fairly and justly).

People seem more isolated these days, including me. Having these various forces coming at us at one time feelings disorienting. I tend to think I'm the only one to go through this since my friends are few and far between. Everyone else is living happy lives is a holdover from childhood for me. Everyone has issues and deep disappointments.

Just as you said, September song, it's part of life. We all have weird bosses, neighbors, family and clogged sinks in our lives. These are things no one can escape.

I have noticed I go slower when I get to know people now. It gives me a chance to discern the person's character. I know I said that above so sorry for the repeat!

It is a "you" problem insofar as you are making yourself responsible for this person's feelings, and allowing them to repeatedly torment you.  


It seems to me you feed into this dynamic by allowing her to frame issues like this.  Mixing up a date is no big deal, and certainly not on the same level as calling someone awful names like that, yet you apologized to her over it?  

I can see the dynamic between you as she basically telling you "run on this hamster wheel" and you do it, and hope that she won't ask you to again, but of course she will, because you keep doing it.  Why would she expect the next time to be any different?  

Consider why she would be "hurting" if you left her (I assume that's what you meant in the first quote I posted above, that you would hurt her by leaving her to end this dynamic).  Why?  Would she really be hurting if you left?   Does she love you?  If she does, why does she treat you like this?  If you have a discussion about this, explaining to her that the way she treats you is unacceptable, and in no way is mixing up a date the same thing as calling someone the names she used, what do you think would happen?  

Sorry I am thinking about this more than I should today!  Another example, we opened investment accounts for each of our 5 kids years ago, with the intention of putting money in them each year to help them in their future.  For some reason we couldn't open them in both of our names, so we agreed I would open the ones for my oldest 2 kids and our youngest daughter and he would open the one for my step daughter and our younger son.  Outside of the initial amount required to open the account he has never put a single dollar in any of the accounts.  He has a 529 for my step daughter and puts money aside for her but no one else!  For the last several years, I have put a small amount of money a month into each of those accounts, including my stepdaughter's.  Every year at tax time, I ask him to submit the forms from those accounts and he tells me that there is nothing, and my response is that means that you have not had the money invested.  I have organized it all for him and had our accountant call him to just get an ok to follow the same investment profile that my 3 kids accounts have and he told them that it sounded like I was trying to do something shady and hung up on them, I have asked him to call numerous times, I have proved to him that my 3 accounts are more than triple the amount of his accounts and asked him to please call to have them invested as its for the benefit of the kids and he responded "spending time with their dad is for the benefit of the kids".  I have finally thrown my hands up and am opening my son another account in my name and will transfer the money there instead so I can make sure it is being taken care of correctly.  I have concluded that he is afraid that this will make me look good in the future, being able to give them these accounts to hopefully help them get started in life, so would rather ruin it than actually contribute to them as well!  He can afford way more than I can, so giving this to them would be nothing to him!  But...he is too selfish! 

Thanks CC!  It is very similar, except that he "overly cares" about the kids when it suites him, in a very strange way where he thinks he is protecting the kids but in reality he is controlling them to "be on his side" as he has done with my stepdaughter.  I have set up everything so that I don't need to rely on him, I literally have a back up to everything I "depend" on him for and the back up has nothing to do with him.  I only ask him, as I believe he should be involved, but know the chances of that happening are slim most weeks.  But he will do everything he can to ruin that when in this mood.  Take the last 24 hours...my son has issues with school and my daughter gets hurt.  I do the practical thing, call the school to get things fixed and bring our daughter to the dentist for an emergency appointment.  He is too busy taking care of himself (he is so afraid that he will gain hundreds of pounds if he doesn't do his walks and gym time one day...he is over the top...then eats an entire pantry that night since he is up all night) to actually be there for our daughter and would rather blame me than actually see the reality, it takes the focus off him not being there if "its my fault".  While I am actually taking care of things, he is blaming me and causing more damage as he does, wanting to make it look like he cares as the blame obviously has to be on me, as things just can't be what they are.  He often switches things on the kids which makes them upset, but then pretends all is ok because he buys them something.  Same as when he yells at them and when they are hurt by him yelling at them, he tickles them...and he does the same at bed time, I put the kids to bed and he then lays next to them and starts tickling them but gets upset when they then want to play and not sleep.  He does ask the kids what they did at school, but often forgets that he already asked them because he actually isn't listening and then will ask again.  I don't think he is actually truly present when in this mode, he has hit his car on the side of the garage twice this year pulling out of the garage cause he isn't present (and I'm supposed to be ok with him having my young kids alone!).  He stated to me less than 24 hours ago that he will not be at our house with the kids, yet has been there twice, but made them sleep at his house because it makes me and the kids upset, but if I were to plan something different, he would derail that plan and physically come be with the kids, "protecting" them from my evil plan and in turn creating an unsafe environment for all.  He has stated that he can't pick the kids up from school any longer as he has to work, but goes to the gym every day and when I checked the camera he came to our house this morning and is still there for when the babysitter gets there, but why tell anyone that he is there...I let the babysitter know otherwise it would have scared the crap out of the her.  He also switched the presentation time for our son without telling me to a time that I can do it, but I would have never known if the teacher hadn't confirmed the time change with me instead of him.  He is literally doing everything he can to get under my skin!  I am holding steady with not responding, but struggling inside! 

Hearing everyone's feedback is so helpful and welcomed! The members here understand what is is like to be abused and the challenges of the road to recovery.

Yesterday I had a big "aha" moment. I ran into a long time friend with whom I often have long intimate discussions. I did not talk to him about my neighbor yet I felt seen and heard. Since then I have been feeling so content.

I realize that I need to cultivate more close rewarding relationships and spend more time with the people I value. Then I won't be so likely to seek out relationships with people who in the long run can only hurt me and when people are abusive I won't be so affected so deeply or for as long. I am vulnerable to being love bombed, then hurt when the person who love bombed me suddenly gets abusive. As this same long time friend told me in one of our past discussions not the most recent one: I am way too nice and vulnerable to being groomed. I recognize I do need to take the time to get to know people and be careful how much I share about myself until I know that the person I am with is someone I can trust.

As for my neighbor, in the beginning she was out of the ordinary nice to me. She was literally preparing me to be controlled and abused by her. Now it is time to permanently limit contact with her and to stop the JADING. By trying to explain my points of view to her, I just set myself up for more abuse and feelings of despair like I feel with so many family members who have made me one of the permanent family scapegoats.

As far as doing anything legal or calling the police. It has been several years since she replaced the door on my house without my permission. The areas around my house are HOA property. In the past, I have worked behind the scenes to limit her power and control. For example, at one point she was determined to have the property painted by her expensive contractor, would not allow my contractor to be vetted, and demanded we have all the buildings painted the colors she wanted. I went to the HOA and eventually got it so the other contractor was vetted and chosen for the job. I formed a paint committee with some other owners so there was a vote on the colors. The neighbor refused to be part of the paint committee, did not get her colors chosen or the contractor she demanded. She made the contractor's life hell and luckily he finished the job. All the owners got over a thousand dollars back from the original assessment which was for the neighbor's more expensive contractor. I do have options and power which is all about working with the other owners while having as little contact as possible with the abusive neighbor.