I'm sure your son put you in a bind.  You felt that his pain was so bad that he just needed to take his braces off.  Indeed, he screamed and cried, probably loudly and persistently.  You allowed him to get what he wanted to stop the pain, screaming and crying.

Your son didn't relent until you did!  Does that sound familiar?  Does it still apply today?

I'm not sure if your son's pain with the braces was merely physical, with tooth soreness and tongue blisters.  I wore braces, headgear and retainers at that age, and they hurt, sometimes quite a bit, disrupting my sleep.  But there was emotional "pain" too--braces aren't pretty, and retainers made me lisp until I got used to them.  I'm sure there was some teasing by classmates.  Wearing mouthgurads with braces in sports was another challenge for me.  Having a driver's licence picture or yearbook picture with braces might be mildly embarrassing.  Yet most kids endure the temporary discomfort, adjustments and self-consciousness for the long-term benefits:  correcting a bite and improving one's smile.  Getting braces isn't uncommon at all, at least where I live.  It's almost a rite of passage.  A main difference is that these days, braces are worn at younger ages, and they look better in my opinion.

Alas, with BPD, the short term typically trumps the long term, and emotions typically trump rational thought.  What I experience with the pwBPD in my life is a mix of low distress tolerance, too much focus on her external image and general perception distortion.  Here's another thing:  I think the pwBPD in my life doesn't have a strong sense of self, which prevents her from planning properly for her "future self."  In other words, since she doesn't know who she is today (except victim), she can't possibly think about working towards a better future for herself.  When she confronts a challenge, such as wanting money or enduring braces, what happens?  She has a hard time tolerating today's minor distress (having to wait to save up some money, enduring a little discomfort).  She has a distorted perception of what will happen if she doesn't immediately get what she wants.  She just can't go on living until she gets it--the real-life equivalent for my pwBPD is plastic surgery.  She becomes obsessive about it, saying she can't tolerate living without it.  Does that ring any bells?  With my pwBPD, there's little value placed on patience, perspective, working towards things she wants.  Rather, I think she feels entitled, downtrodden and aggrieved because she doesn't have what she wants, and it's someone else's fault.

The sad reality is, this "affliction" is part of BPD.  And it can't be "fixed" by throwing money at it.  Even if I paid for ten plastic surgeries for my pwBPD, do you think she'd feel any better?  If I paid for a new apartment, a new car, more education, a dog, a vacation in Europe, would she feel better?  I think you know the answer to those questions.  What happens is that the more money she gets from parents, the more she feels entitled, and her needs don't diminish, they expand!  That's because the core problem isn't one about money, but about emotional control, negative thinking patterns and negative self-image.

So what do you do?  I think you shift your focus away from fixing, and towards bolstering your son's independence.  You support your son, not by giving him money, but by giving him love and encouragement, provided that he's treating you right.  You show confidence in his ability to figure things out for himself, and you give him room to do that.  You remind him of his many good deeds.  You praise the seemingly small wins--having a civil conversation, taking care of himself, working a full week, keeping the lights on, doing something nice for his kid, solving a tough situation himself.  Praising these actions, these baby steps towards healthy habits and independence, can go a long way in my opinion.  It's funny, I just noticed how I wrote about praising actions over qualities.  I could have said emotionally-charged things like, I love how you're artistic, smart, charming, etc., which a pwBPD might question because I'm "insincere"--of course a mom is going to think that.  But somehow, I think that praising actions is more believable, more real.

What kind of a mother would do that? Me! I had braces, my kids had braces. Sometimes it hurt, but they now have a nice smile. And to the dentist, who gave them novocaine shots and drilled their teeth.That hurt too. 

Sometimes parents take their kids to dentists and orthodontists who do things that hurt- and while we don't want our kids to hurt, we do it because- it protects the health of their teeth.

That your son brought this up as an adult as "evidence" of you hurting him is disordered BPD thinking. You know that isn't true. It's not being horrible to take your child to get braces.

One boundary is a knowing oneself- knowing who you are and what your motives are. If someone else says otherwise, you know it's not true, and their saying it doesn't make it true. That your son brings up something that he thinks happened to him at 14 doesn't mean you have to give him money. It's sad that he thinks like this but you can't change how someone thinks.

Truthfully, this is about 95% about you, 5% about your son.

He's an adult and is responsible for himself.  You can't change him, you can't help him.  He must stand on his own two feet.  Either he gets help for his mental illness or he doesn't, but it is not your burden anymore.  In some ways it never was.

You are an adult and responsible for your self.  You want to help your son?  Great...take care of yourself first so you'll be stronger for the road ahead.  He's mentally ill and that won't change until he's ready to change it.  But you're suffering just the same because he keeps you on edge, keeps you second guessing.  That's like a mental illness too and it's something you can fix, but only if you stop doing what you're doing and actually allow yourself to heal.

I've been talking to my younger daughter a lot lately about her older BPD sister.  We went through hell in the home and we were both traumatized from it.  My younger kid is in therapy now and she's actually starting to remember some things- being bullied, being attacked, etc.  Her mind has hidden so much of that trauma, but it's coming back and for the first time ever, she's dealing with it directly. 

And I hate it, I hate everything about it, but I had to take that journey as well over the past few years.  To really see how bad things were at times and how much we went through.  My ex-wife was mild BPD, while my older daughter was extreme BPD or maybe even something more.  We don't really know.  I'm a different person today because I actually met that stuff head-on and stopped hiding from it.

Family - especially my family - was always a trigger for my ex.  Of course, anyone not one of my ex's chosen friends was a trigger.

Even ex's family have at times been her triggers.  There a NY politician and more recently a PuertoRican entertainer whose surnames are also in her family lineage so I have to be cautious about mentioning them.  Sadly, there's no lack of triggers.

Thanks CC43 - I appreciate every word you posted. He's intelligent and he has a job. He can do this if he really wants to. He can get help with his issues if he really wants to.
It's me saying no and letting him sink or swim. People do learn to swim the hard way sometimes. I'm not willing to go down with him. For whatever reason boundaries are hard for me - that's ok. I can learn.

I've read (and a psych friend confirmed) that smartphones, and social media especially, are designed to be addictive.  The likes and friend requests, etc. are a little dopamine kick every time you get them, and that just fuels that addiction. 

In less-developed brains, it's hard to overcome that, and completely devastating to their development. 

It's bad enough as an adult to deal with it! 

That he used the word "assaulted" is concerning because in the legal world of police and courts "assault" is an extremely serious allegation.  Of course, this was his perception and a highly subjective one but this should cause you to step back and reconsider the relationship.

Though you're a woman and the professionals might find it hard to picture you as being abusive, can you risk such allegations should they be made in the future?  Less than a year into the friendship and he said that.  What might he say in future years?

As already noted, we refrain from saying stay or go since that is for you to decide.  Weigh all the facts and risks and what you've learned thus far.

We're so sorry to hear this update, but also it's not that surprising.  Those who have people with BPD traits (pwBPD) in their lives - including their children - are often faced with the suddenly resurgent mood changes from moment to moment.

One positive is that your daughter did nurse her baby for nearly a year.  I recall that my ex - then a spouse - only promised to breastfeed for 6 months but continued for 14 months.  Human milk is such a wonderful food source for children that it's beneficial for as long as the mother can be convinced to continue.

Just a thought... Since it seems your daughter wants to go live her lifestyle again, maybe you could feed her daughter regular milk and other healthy juices when she decides to get antsy and decamp now and then?  Maybe I'm mistaken here but isn't some breastfeeding better than none?

It may be time to ponder what choices you have before you.  Apparently your daughter isn't receptive to the idea of long term therapy (DBT is highly recommended but requires commitment) so what can you do to focus on your granddaughter's welfare?  Has it reached the point where a court would agree you assume some level of protective custody?  Would others in your family support you or would they appease your daughter instead?

Hi JsMom,

I know it's hard not to jump in and rescue your son.  Surely he's great at inducing you to do that.  He frames his needs as essential food for your grandson, as supplies for his job--and if you don't help, then it's your fault that your grandson is starving and that your son can't do his job, right?  Your son makes it seem like his financial needs are dire, urgent, and important, right?  Like it's one-time help to get him on his feet, to get through a temporary setback, right?  But the record shows that he's not spending or saving wisely.  He's 45, not 15.  He can work.  He just chooses not to, because pushing the Mom ATM button is so much easier and more immediate.

I think you have many solid reasons to say no.  You can't afford it.  You don't want to be a burden to your sons in the future because you didn't save for your own retirement.  And by giving your son money, you're actually getting in the way of him learning how to budget.  You're depriving him of the knowledge that he can find solutions for himself.  He's smart, right?  It's not like he has a severe learning disability and doesn't understand prices, how credit cards work, what a paycheck is.  He is capable.  But he chooses his easiest alternative:  ask Mom for money.  He knows how to butter you up, how to make it look like he's on the verge of collapse, unless you bail him out, correct?

If saying "No" to financial requests is too hard for you, maybe your boundary could be not to entertain any discussion about money with your son.  You could say, "I'm not discussing finances with you."  If there's a text with a request for money, you delete the text.  If he begs you on the phone, you say, "If you continue talking about finances, I'm hanging up."  After all, you're a mom, not a bank.  You deserve to be treated like a human, not an ATM.  So take money talk off the table completely.  Maybe you say, "Son, I love you, and I'm a mom, not a bank."

If that's too harsh for you, another tactic you might try is to involve your husband.  You could say, you have to consult with him and get his OK for any spending that is outside your household budget.  Then your son would have to make the request to the two of you together.  Maybe that would help?  At the very least, it would help you to slow walk.

In my mind, the easiest route would be to say no because you don't have the money.  You say, "I'd like to help, but I don't have the money to spare."  That's the truth.  In reality, you don't have the money, because you need to finance YEARS of your own retirement, and all your money is already allocated for that purpose.  But maybe you don't see it that way, because you think, you're prepared to sacrifice your lifestyle to help your son this one time.  But my guess is, your sacrifice won't do your son any good.  In fact, I think it might harm you both in the long term, because you're getting in his way of learning money management and harming yourself in the process.  I'd advise, take the short-term discomfort of saying no to save you both from further hardship and heartache.

I think you're on the right track here.  Of course you and the graduating daughter have a desire for a "normal" family celebration.  But I think you're both better off if you accept reality:  it's just not possible right now with BPD daughter.  I think the way around this is not to expressly exclude the BPD daughter, but also not to rely on BPD daughter's "cooperation," either.  In real life, that could mean not getting upset if she doesn't show up.  It could mean that she shows, but you don't get upset if she chooses to keep her distance or leave early.  It means that, if she throws a tantrum and storms off, you don't get upset by that, either.  You don't run after her, "beg" her to rejoin the family, point out how she is acting inappropriately or ask for any apology.  You keep your attention on the graduating daughter.  You don't give your BPD daughter a ride or lodging unless she asks.  I think it would be better if your BPD daughter took care of her own accommodation and transportation when she's "no contact" with you.  Indirectly she's telling you that she can't handle seeing you right now, and I think that's actually better than being forced to interact with you and risk a meltdown.  But if she wants to have a "sibling only" get-together, then great, that's nice.

In other words, you can't control your BPD daughter, but you do control how you react to her.  My advice is to not take your BPD daughter's behavior personally, hard though that may seem at first.  The less you rely on her cooperation, the better--because you don't set yourself up for disappointment that way.

Look, as your children get older, the ideal of family togetherness will probably morph anyway.  Kids might move farther away from you.  They'll have jobs, partners, lives, pets, maybe in-laws and maybe their own children, too.  You'll probably get together, but maybe not with everyone at exactly the same time.  And that's OK.  At my house, Christmas isn't just one day--it's a season of holiday spirit.  We see family before, during and after Christmas day, depending on everyone's schedules.  I just let go of the notion of an idealized, single Christmas event of togetherness and embrace the season instead.  Sometimes my BPD stepdaughter shows up, sometimes not.  If she doesn't show up, I just assume she made other plans that were better for her.  And that's OK.  Though it's sad not to hear from her, I don't want that sadness to ruin it for us.