Hi all !

I have read a lot about boundaries, but I got to the conclusion that they can't work in a marital setting, especially when you have kids and you work from home. Because you, your kids, and your personal stuff are always there, available for whatever type of abuse your partner wants to engage in. So the BPD partner, while still angry, may just take pleasure in walking all over you, and that may keep going for many days until their anger finally subsides.

Let's review a basic definition of how to enforce boundaries:

To enforce boundaries, you must clearly define your limits, communicate them directly and calmly using "I" statements, and then consistently follow through with actions (consequences) when they're crossed, showing you mean it through your behavior, not just words, by disengaging, changing the subject, or limiting contact if necessary, to teach others how to treat you respectfully.

You can see how the definition above won't work, right? I mean, you're in the same house, sharing resources, and coparenting the kids, so contact is unavoidable. You can completely disengage from the partner during the raging out, but that will most likely ensure that they will keep dysregulated for a long time. Because they want a resolution of something, even if it's unclear to you what they want.

So I think the literature is weak, as it focuses too much on the communication but not on the enforcement and ignores the consequences, which is the most important part. Because what makes the boundary work are the consequences, right?

So let me ask a practical question. Let's suppose my wife has severely violated my boundary. She has screamed badmouthing me while keeping our door open, making sure neighbors from all other apartments will hear her. But this is part of an abusive behavior that only happens when she is dysregulated, so it's pointless to talk it out at the moment. I need to wait for her to switch into a normal temper before even attempting to talk about it. More than that, I need to wait until she is clearly trying to reconnect with me.

Finally, I succeed in talking to her about it. Because of her very rigid thoughts, she remains silent while I talk, showing some contempt. I'm ok with her silence, because I know she will defend her behavior if she talks. So she is just avoiding a peacebreaker. But then, I have to communicate to her the consequence. What should it be?

The only thing that crosses my mind is to step back from the intimate relationship (not cuddle together). But if that has already been done, then the next consequence might be to not touch her. If that's also already implemented, then perhaps not even talk to her like friends. And if that is still not enough, then it's time for separation and probably moving out.

Is that how we are supposed to make the BPD partners respect our boundaries?

If yes, then once the boundary is in place, how long should it last? Should it have a predetermined duration, such as one month? Should it last forever if the boundary violation keeps happening?

Hi GrayJay ,

First off, I think you should not worry at all about any of her divorce threats. Because clearly from what you describe, she is highly engaged with you. Your fear of her getting distant actually feeds her behavior because your fear makes you try to connect (to pull). But the natural reaction that someone who is trying to be distant has when they are pulled in is to push you even further away from them. This is true for everyone, but especially true for pwBPD.

In regard to what you asked about the blogs, reels, videos, and social media, yes, I am a bit familiar with that. My uBPDex had problems with the dubious content that the algorithm was feeding her. My current dBPDw also has some issues with that. But each one of their paranoid ideas has an explanation, an internal thought that they are trying to confirm, which exists due to an internal need that isn't being met.

Let me give you a funny example from my uBPDex:

Once they began to say that in our country there were 17 women for each man. She might have listened to this as part of stand-up comedy but took it as real. Then she kept repeating that over months, and I tried to show her otherwise, but she would not see it. So finally I found a chart from the official government institute that measures populational statistics. The chart was clearly showing that the numbers were about the same, with a very small percentile difference. Suddenly she shut up with an angry face and didn't repeat it anymore.

But what was she thinking? She was afraid that I would end our relationship and that it would then be too difficult for her to find affection again, so the idea that there were 17 times more women than men would be a rationalization of her fearful feelings. And her need that wasn't being met was the need for my reassurance.

She also had a long period in which she became obsessed with searching for NPD and tried to convince me about it. But I never saw it as destructive for our relationship because I knew this was just a superficial side effect of something deeper. From her distorted perception, her needs were not being met. The core issue was that she was jealous about the attention I gave to my stepchildren and felt betrayed. These feelings must come from some of her childhood traumas, but I never figured out the exact connection.

And my current wife sometimes is obsessed with finding confirmations that our city is dangerous. This comes from her need to feel safe, because she has suffered violence in the past.

Do not get her pregnant end the relationship. Bpd plus post party depression it will get way worse. Having a child will not make it better. Go to therapy your self exercise and dive into hobbies. Even with a child she will make it hell for you and harder for you to leave.

I wanted to know if anyone else has a BPD partner with this problem of blogs, reels, videos, and social media seriously aggravating and triggering to them, making their BPD much worse.  My wife's happiness is inversely proportional to the time she spends looking at this material, much of which is of dubious quality by people of doubtful credentials and insight; much of it is little more than clickbait.

It keeps her emotionally raw, always the victim, me completely to blame, and going down a rabbit hole of depression and anger.  I feel we've entered a new, darker phase of our marriage, and it feels like a death spiral.  She has never threatened divorce like this. She's like a different person completely.
But I'm powerless over the material she looks at. It all feels so hopeless.

I wanted to know if anyone else has a BPD partner with this problem of blogs, reels, videos, and social media seriously aggravating and triggering to them, making their BPD much worse.  My wife's happiness is inversely proportional to the time she spends looking at this material, much of which is of dubious quality by people of doubtful credentials and insight; much of it is little more than clickbait.
It keeps her emotionally raw, always the victim, me completely to blame, and going down a rabbit hole of depression and anger.  I feel we've entered a new, darker phase of our marriage, and it feels like a death spiral.  She has never threatened divorce like this. She's like a different person completely.
But I'm powerless over the material she looks at. It all feels so hopeless.

Hi. This is actually my first post. I came here looking for support because I’m experienced almost be exact same thing as you. I have a 24 yr old son with BPD and a 26 yr old son without. Dealing with my 24 yr old has lead me to seek therapy in order to maintain my own sanity. I am an enabler. I have supported him financially forever to my own detriment. It’s always an ask to pay his rent just to he can “get his life in order”. Promises they with a small loan he can get things right. Against advice from many people I co-signed for an apartment in another city last year because he was “going to start over in a new environment “. His girlfriend had left him and he needed to get away. (This was after numerous interactions with mental health services and police because he kept threatening suicide when she kicked him out). He lasted one month in this new apartment and then announced that he went back to her and moved back there. Because I had co-signed in paid an entire years rent for an empty apartment (I couldn’t find anytime to sublease).
When he has to face a challenge in life he calls me immediately in sheer panic. Yelling on the phone. Last week his key for his car broke (I bought that car btw). He called me literally crying and blaming the universe for hating him. He couldn’t articulate a solution. He was outside of his car, his phone at 5%, in a snow storm. I had to talk him through a solution (call a locksmith to get a new key cut), etc and ended up sending him money for that.
Today he called me in a mood to complain about his dad. His car was acting up and he needed a new one. He called his dad to co-sign and his dad said he needed to think about it. He was raging that he had to wait. “Why is he doing that to me? He won’t even help. I’m going to be without a car and no way to get to work and it will be his fault and yours”.  The level of anger towards his dad and me was brutal. He was so angry he was slurring his words while yelling. I’ve seen him this angry. Where saliva builds up and it almost foams.
It’s to the point now that I’m afraid of him.
I told him last week that I was no longer laying his rent as of next month. He has a full time job now and should be able to pay his bills. I’ve been paying his rent while he’s been working in order for him to “save up” for a down payment on a new car. His words. But…whereas he should probably have saved up 5k by now he has zero saved up. According to him he’s spending it on “living”. Because he deserves to live he says. Otherwise there is nothing to live for, he reasons.

 I don’t have an answer to for you or any advice. Just knowing I’m not alone is helpful.

Finally, I know I have to stop enabling him financially and emotionally. He needs to learn to problem solve and to deal with the consequences of his actions. I also know that he will not accept my boundaries and will blame me for it all. He will tell me that the reason he is struggling is because I traumatized him as a child ( he had a stable and loving environment and upbringing).
He will pull the suicide card. He has many times before.

Hi there, this is a relatively less serious talk about my BPDH’s behaviours.
While despite being very intelligent academically… has  a Masters and got half way through a PhD , and he used to teach at a University… my husband has gaps in his common sense and spatial awareness.

This is annoying for example, when driving with him (he usually drives) as he constantly gets lost, he wants to turn right all the time so gets further away from where he’s heading. If I suggest anything he gets mad at me and then gets mad at me because I didn’t say anything.

However, lately what has become particularly frustrating is when watching TV series on Netflix etc. We both tend to like mystery series but he has problems following the plot. He then asks me questions which I try to answer. If my reply doesn’t suit him for whatever reason he’ll then get mad at me and the program and then switch the tv off or find another program. Many series I’ve finished watching on my IPhone when alone.

He can’t understand wind direction, although having been told many times that when weather forecasters say “it’s going to be (say) a northerly wind” he insists that the wind is going northwards. Onshore and offshore are almost comedic.

What really gets to me though is that when he asks me questions which is often, I try my best to answer, if it doesn’t suit him or he still can’t understand ( ego ) he then tries to sort of gaslight me saying “you never said that before” “ your saying something different to a few minutes ago” “ you always do this”. That last comment really bugs me and I have to be really careful not to over react.

I guess all our reality differs from each others, and I try to be understanding, yet I don’t have the same sort of misunderstandings with most of the other people I know.

After this great post by Notwendy, I'll just comment on the sex drive.

When you said "sexual dysfunction", did you mean ED (erectile dysfunction)? I know ED is multifactorial (different causes), but it's advisable to check testosterone levels. This also affects the mood in men.

A few years ago I noticed that my libido was zero. I was single for 2 years and had no interest in dating whatsoever. I decided to "get checked" for sexual dysfunction by a professional, and it wasn't the case (my performance was normal). But when I checked my T levels, gotcha! It was at the minimum (300 ng/dL). So I quickly quit smoking and rapidly brought my T levels up again. Initially, I used 3 different types of Brazilian herbs that are very potent, but then I realized I had to find a sustainable and safer solution. After doing some research, I got to the conclusion that my low T resulted from nutrients that were robbed by the clove cigarettes, so I googled for "safest nutrients supporting healthy testosterone" and that worked great. The answer was right there.

Low testosterone usually decreases the sex drive (libido). The anxiety/frustration about not performing well might also decrease sex drive. But an insecure husband may become worried that his wife might leave him or betray him with other men only because of his ED. So they might invest a lot of energy in trying to perform sexually for his wife, even though they have low libido. Do you think that might make sense?

Another hypothesis is that the sex is being used for him to feel better about himself. Once many years ago I had a drop-bottom because I was losing my 10-year job. So in the midst of it, I suddenly felt the need for sex, but it had to be with an intimate partner. I think my brain was craving chemicals such as endorphins and oxytocin. So I gently communicated my need to my wife at the time. We were not having sex or intimacy anymore, and I thought she would mock me, but instead she was happy to help. It worked for that moment.

By the way, since I noticed that the level of my emotions was disproportional to the event, I began an investigation process with self-help books, found out the reason, and by the end I had a miraculous internal growth. You know why? Because the moment when you are at rock bottom is the best time to treat your wounds, since they are exposed. In my case, it was all about child neglect (a minor CPTSD) and my final treatment was book-guided self-hypnosis, but usually a professional is needed.

Maybe the present moment would be the best timing for you as well?

Thanks kells76
Yes we do have seperate finances and the house we live in is in my name. I guess he could divorce me and try to take half of everything I have and I cannot deny that this is often in the back of my mind when I think I just can’t stand it any longer and want out.
 At other times when we are relatively “happy” I try to live my life with him surrounded with family, friends and grandchildren and it’s not a bad life.

Will you be able to "interview" the T's before recommending any to your son? And is your son OK with you providing this assistance?

Do you think he is in a place where he is stable enough to wait? I.e. would finding someone "good enough" and immediately available be better than a very long wait and seeing nobody in the interim?

I wonder, if you are able to "interview" a few options right away, if you could explain your son's situation and see if they can recommend people with availability that you didn't know about.

Is anyone you're looking at right now part of a bigger practice with other professionals?