You're getting good advice in this thread. Let me add what I hope is a little more.

For starters, you have to understand that any mentally or emotionally ill person is, by definition, self-centered. I don't mean that necessarily in an evil or villainous way. I mean that their needs take the primary focus in their lives. They are driven by a universe of needs. They exist for them.

Someone with BPD (or anxiety, CPTSD, etc.) is even more so because invariably they suck other people into their confused and malignant universe. Some do it less than others -- the so-called quiet ones. Some realize the depth of their illness and withdraw. But even they pull someone into their orbit eventually. It's the nature of their illness.

As others have pointed out, trying to find a rational explanation for their behavior is next to impossible. Their behavior may or may not make sense to them, but that doesn't matter because -- and this is the important part -- none of that stops them. They act first, think later, even when they plot. They don't stop to ask if they should stop, at least not in a way meaningful enough they might actually do it. Or not do it.

So, when your ex calls or texts you out of the blue, it's an irresistible impulse, not a rational choice. If you think of it in any other way, you'll only suffer. You'll think it's because they love you or care about you or are just thinking about you in a way that a healthy person does. It's not. It's the irresistible impulse.

That's not to say they can't love or care about you, to the limited degree they're capable. There is lots of debate about that, but I think it's pretty clear they're too consumed by their own self-centeredness to really love or care enough about anyone else to control their irresistible impulses. But you see, that's the trap. A rational person who can control themselves always imagines the other person can, too, and with someone with BPD (or anxiety, CPTSD, etc.), that's just not true.

So, you must not think of the call or text as a kind of lifeline tossed out to you by someone who is struggling to be healthy and only wants the best for you. It's not. They're not. They're simply caught up in a moment that will change to yet another in the blink of an eye. It's not in their control, and it's not in yours. Your best bet is to stay NC and stay sane.

Awesome! That in itself is reassuring so that I don't let myself fall back into deep depression and become non-productive. I am also a nurse. It does lead to feeling burn out. I love my job and my family!

I always thought that I expressed love. I hope my child finds the fight within her for herself and does not waste time hating the world for not being like her.

Yes! No matter which way it goes, she has to find her own way. I realize that I cannot beat myself up over it because I will not have ANYTHING to offer anyone. I love life even with it's ups and downs. I don't want to let myself down by giving up on myself. What kind of inspiration would that be? Is that selfish of me?

WOW! Yes, my heart hurts and I come across as weak. I am just tired... Fighting is a waste of time. I have felt like they want to force me to believe that I cannot accept that they are different expecting me to not be yourself either. It feels like because I don't want to fight, she insists that I want to fight. I am exhausted!

YES, it does! I remember myself feeling so lost and when I share that, it comes back as,"Well you don't understand what we (trannies) have to face". They refuse to acknowledge the calculations of a person giving and sharing to depletion. Then what? Where to when there is nothing left to share because I am human and I run out of steam for myself?

Hi there,

My adult BPD stepdaughter has put her family through several periods of estrangement and no contact.  Sometimes the reason is partially clear, and sometimes not so much.  Since she has gotten treatment for BPD, the frequency, intensity and duration of her emotional reactions have lessened, but she still retreats and cuts off contact sometimes.  I've come to view these periods as "adult time outs."  She needs time and space to get herself together.  Sometimes I think she's dealing with a lot of insecurity, shame and (misplaced) anger.  She has struggled with "adulting" and doesn't like feeling so dysfunctional and judged, yet at the same time, she has a victim mindset and tends to blame her family for her problems.  She feels "behind" her siblings and peers, and in some ways, she is.  Thus pulling away from parents can be a way she asserts her independence.  At the same time, she might believe that her estrangement is a punishment for the offending parent--which gives her a sense of power and control, which she desperately lacks in her life at the moment.  Sadly, the estrangement makes her feel more alienated, when what she craves is acceptance and belonging.  I bet sometimes she tells herself that her parent is toxic, as this belief is easier for her to swallow than for her to admit that she herself is the cause of her ongoing problems.

My approach has been to give her the space that she's indicating she needs.  When she needs help, she'll ask for it.  Usually she'll resume contact in a matter of days or weeks, typically with a request for money and/or help.  When contact is resumed, I pretend like she never cut me or her dad out.  I try not to dwell on whatever transpired and certainly don't remind her, either.

Regarding holidays, my approach has been to invite her, but never to pressure her to show up.  It's entirely up to her if she visits or not.  My approach regarding gifts is always to buy her something.  If she shows up, then she gets Christmas or birthday presents.  If not, I'll put the gift(s) away for another time, or give it to someone else.  I think this is better than mailing a gift, because when she's not communicating, she doesn't want to be reminded of us.  A couple of times she has tossed away a mailed gift, or tried to return it to the sender, and that's just a waste.  I don't tell her that giving her gifts in person is my "policy" with her, I just do it that way.

As for communicating by text, my advice is not to "beg" her to reply or to come visit.  I'd say, respect your daughter's desire for space.  I would text her to send holiday wishes, or to invite her to come over for family gatherings or major holidays, but I wouldn't expect a reply.  Basically I'd text her like I would text a distant cousin--rarely, with short messages, and neutral/upbeat content only; no missives or emotional content whatsoever.  I know you are worried about her, but if you "beg"  her to update you on her status, you'll likely pique her.  She's smart, if she needs help, she'll ask for it, or she'll call 911.  In the meantime, you can feel proud that she's carving out an independent, adult's life for herself.  If she can do that for any meaningful stretch of time without needing your constant support, she AND you have done a fantastic job.

Just my two cents.

And actually he may behave a bit worse with you since you have a close and private relationship.  He likely behaves worse in private scenarios where he can let his hair down and let go since those are most likely with you.  BPD is a disorder impacting most the close relationships.  Others on the periphery may think he's a bit "off" but it doesn't impact them due to their relative distance.

Most here report the relationship started great, almost idolized, but later worsened.  I think that's when the relationship becomes more obligated or committed, such as after some time has passed, after married or when children.  By then we felt stuck, made to feel at fault and told that if only we changed and tried harder then it would get better.  But it didn't.

BPD "FOG" = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

Hello. First post here. My 24 year old daughter, I believe has BPD. She is currently undiagnosed. About a year ago after a particularly intense episode of rage directed at me I spent days googling and came across this site as well as others that pointed to what seems like high functioning BPD. Looking back over her life she has exhibited many of the symptoms for years. I started her in therapy as a young teen and she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but never BPD. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize this much earlier as I could have done things much differently, validating and JADE, etc. She does live alone and has a job and supports herself. For that I am grateful. But she seems to have cut me off. No explanation. No telling me to leave her alone just unresponsive to calls and texts. I have always been her figurative punching bag. I’ve walked on eggshells for years with her. I had resigned myself to just take her verbal attacks and put up with them since we don’t see her often. ( We moved a few hours away from her a couple of years ago). She had kept in contact with my husband though. The past month or so she has stopped responding to hi.  He is upset and confused as well. With the holidays coming up, I don’t even know her plans. I’m not sure…do I send her a Christmas gift?  Will that make things better or worse?  This is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. The tears come so easily lately.  Has anyone been through this experience of just not being responded to?  I don’t want to chase her but don’t want to give up. But is it healthier to just give up and mentally move on?  How does someone do that?This BPD is so confusing to me. Any advice is greatly appreciated

It is most definitely not your fault; he has a mental illness which can change literally by the minute. Even he doesn't know how he's going to be at any given moment so how can you ever know and hope to cope?

BPD is contrary to everything we know as 'logical'. It has no rules and involves fantasies and supposed 'offenses' against them which only exist in the head of the sufferer. To them, these fantasies are real and you cannot convince them otherwise. None of us could.

If he hadn't been with you, he'd be acting exactly the same way with whoever he was with and no doubt that person would be also be feeling guilty that they somehow failed him. It's a predictable, repeating script which BPD sufferers are locked into but I believe they are far more aware of their actions than they would have us believe.

They excel at manipulation and making us the guilty ones who have somehow failed. The BPD person is, in their mind only, always 'the victim', never the aggressor.

So please try to stop feeling guilty. From your words it's easy to see that you're a caring person who has tried their best and gone way beyond what was expected of them - as we all did in our own relationships.