Yes, I found that any logical discussion with BPD mother about something she had let to an escalation. There's no way to know what emotional thinking is going on or what her reasons are.

For me, I had to consider everything she owned as off limits. Not for discussion at all.

I think a lot of this was about her feeling in control. We knew to not touch or go into any of her things. When we helped her move to assisted living, I wanted to salvage any sentimental items out of her house that could not go with her in the move. I even felt fearful doing this as before she'd have escalated if we even tried. I found things like family photos that I had never seen before. Even if she wanted to keep then, we would have appreciated seeing them.

The sad aspect of this is that- these are the things that build connections. It's not only about the possession. Gifting or selling the truck to your D- who is clearly not spoiled and responsible- would have been a positive connection. Gifting the inexpensive item to her grandchild could have been a positive interaction for my BPD mother too. But instead for her, these situations somehow felt like threats, someone taking something away from her- and while the possession might change hands, the emotional connection for all would be a gain.

Your ex (and my mother) can either build a relationship with her D or not, and perhaps this is the best she can do.

I realize your D isn't ready to go to college but I was thinking about it before I could go, and looking forward to being there, even though it took some time before I could be completely independent. (like most college students).

Costs were a concern but a state college was an affordable option, and had dorms.

When the time comes, you can sit down with your D and look at her options. I think many kids look for their "dream school"- some which are generous with financial aid, but a less costly state school also has dorms. It doesn't need to be very far away but far enough for your D to have some autonomy and independence.

Knowing college was the plan helped, because I knew there would be that situation in the plans. It also provided a "normal" situation, one that would not have upset BPD mother.

I understand, and it was similar for me, and also, my parents stayed together. Information on BPD wasn't available at the time, and none if us could know what was going on with BPD mother or how to better manage it. I think my father wanted to avoid anything that would cause her to escalate her behavior.

Saying or doing anything that might expose BPD mother's behavior was considered to be a major transgression, and would result in the kind of behavior your D wants to avoid.

As a teen, I would have chosen to live with my father if it had been an option but I also didn't understand the full picture as well as your D does- and like her, I didn't want to completely cut contact with my mother.

For me, my best option was college away from home. It may also be that way for your D as well. It also helped to spend time away from home- with other family members, summer camp, school activities and for your D, she has time with you at your place.

The driving is a concern. My BPD mother didn't like to drive. She would not have minded another option. I wonder if you and your D can sit down and come up with ideas for safe rides- can she ride to activities with a friend? I recall when my kids were that age, I didn't mind if other kids got a ride with my kids.

You're right- my ex likes the truck, but she never drives the truck and won't ever drive it.  The kids need the truck.  That's the part that makes me so upset and I think where my emotions come into this equation.

I'm going to let it go unless it somehow comes up in direct conversation with my ex.  Thanks to everyone for listening to me vent here though- we did all know the logical answer here but it's sometimes it's just not a logical situation.  =)

edit: my daughter is at a new school now, so the counselor may be different, but it's a private school and her mom is paying the tuition (well... the child support I pay covers it), and so what are they going to do?  they must know that if they pursue the issue, they lose a paying student.

I think she knows that if we go the lawsuit route, or she speaks up, despite the fact that adults might be sympathetic to her situation, inevitably she'll be back at her mom's house at some point after the hearings are over, and once she's there, she's at the "mercy"  of the adults there (her mom and her step-dad), who are going to do every manipulative thing known to man to get her to keep her mouth shut and maintain the status quo... screaming at her, crying, blaming her for their own issues, good cop/bad cop, etc. and it's unfortunate because I'm now in the position of being the one who knows but can't protect her from this. 

I think she's starting to see the issue that she doesn't want to live at her mom's house anymore, but - quite naturally given her age - does not want to cut her mom out of her life.  However, because of how her mom acts, on some level she knows there's no "happy medium" here, and when she does see her mom, it would have to be at her mom's house, where she'd be stuck and subject to the rages, hysterical crying, manipulative fights, etc. etc. 

So my ex moved to a really conservative area, and when she had CPS called on her home (because of loud screaming fights between her, her then-BF, and her mom) and I reported it to the school, the counselor did nothing - not even reach out to my daughter to find out what was going on, and wouldn't return my calls when I followed up.  I got the sense they view that sort of thing as a "family matter," and wouldn't get involved. 

I will talk to my daughter about seeing the counselor. 

I need to get her in counseling.  It's been tough finding one that can see them, given my limited custody time during weekday 9-5 hours, but I'll see what I can do. 

When I spoke with my lawyer about the potential success of a custody flip, she said I don't have a slam dunk case, even with my D testifying she wants to live with me, which is frustrating, and a few years ago I blew a lot of money on an abortive attempt to flip custody, which didn't work out (I eventually threw in the towel).  My attorney DID say a DUI accident or a legal issue like that might be grounds for an immediate injunction, but here, there was no police report, no arrest, and I am sure it would boil down to a he-said/she-said debate with the adults closing ranks and my daughter having to be the only one to testify her mom was drinking. 

I think I'm going to talk to a PI for now and see whether we can uncover any evidence of the accident to corroborate the story. 

I recall my divorce lawyer telling me, "Courts love counseling."  Counseling is a very good thing, no doubt about it.  However, successful therapy does not guarantee that the marriage is repaired and prospers.  It might, or it might not.

Ah the automobile. It’s funny how an object can hold such a profound and symbolic level of nostalgia. As you say in this day and age it’s becoming increasingly difficult to become a homeowner so for many of us the car or truck becomes the most valuable possession in our lives. Since its invention we have become attached to the motor car in kind of a similar way we become attached to a family pet.

many years ago I bought my ex a mk1 golf (rabbit for those in the US) cabriolet. I paid for it, I did much work to it, and when we separated she wanted to sell it after 17 years of ownership. She said she would give me half the profit, but she sold it for half its true value and I didn’t see a penny. While it was sad, a little like losing a pet (well not quite but you know) I saw it as one problem, or one link removed.

We also had another car, a Subaru, owned for a similar length of time. The ex would not let me look after it as I would like, if I wanted to go outside and clean it she would moan because it would be taking my attention away from her. When we split up, it wouldn’t start the following day, the battery died, so she rang me ranting about it. Two months later it failed it’s mot due to rust because I hadn’t been able to maintain it, and it has sat in a local garage waiting to be repaired for the last two and a half years. The irony is she loved that car more than anything else.

So her boyfriend bought her a Range Rover. A 15 year old one only worth a couple of grand, it looked expensive and flash but I could see through it. I told her it will break. A year later it broke beyond economic repair. The insurance took it away and she is now in an insurance loan car, and somebody smashed the back window in on that a couple of weeks ago.

A flip to this story is she has been using both our sons cars at times because her lack of care and poor choices has left her without a vehicle, and each of these cars has suffered damage due to her negligence. My sons car has sat at the bottom of our garden with two burst tyres and a smashed wheel she said she would replace a year ago but hasn’t. So on the other side of the coin, as your daughter has been using it I think it’s probably fair she is the one that pays for things that wear out on it because if it was the other way round as in my case and it was your ex borrowing the vehicle from your daughter you wouldn’t expect your daughter to pay for the cost of maintaining it when it is your ex using it, and ultimately wearing things out.

I guess this is a long convoluted way of saying it’s only a vehicle. While we do get emotionally attached to them, at the end of the day it is just an object. While I understand your frustration that your ex doesn’t appear to be helping out even though she seems financially able to, there might be an element of nostalgia around the truck that is driving your frustration.