I don't think this is something you should be directly involved with because it could come back at you if a public accusation is made and there's not enough evidence to prove it.

However, if you can't let it go, then report it to crimestoppers.  Those are anonymous reports and you can just say, "I saw a <color> <make> <model> with tag number <abc1234> swerving out of control and it knocked over a mailbox on <road>.  The driver appeared intoxicated and was standing up out of the sunroof when this incident happened.  I'm notifying you because there were kids in the car and I was frightened for their safety."

I wish you luck, my friend, this would drive me bananas as well.  Nobody messes with my kids...that's the one rule in life I'll never compromise.

As I shared earlier, for therapy to be effective, your daughter will have to want internal change and actually work through this to better herself.  That's a lot to ask of a teen though when the world says, "There's something unhealthy with the way you think and we're going to teach you how to overcome that." 

Who would accept a message like that?  Only someone that's truly fed up with the way their life is progressing.  For a teen, that's so hard to see.

Your job now is the same as it's ever been- teach right from wrong in a loving way.  That means treating your BPD kid differently at times and she's going to focus in on that and say that you're the problem for favoring her siblings.  You've learned from your first few books not to argue, but that's one narrative that you must always push back on.  You love her, you want what's best for her, and she must learn right from wrong.

When she misbehaves, punish her.  She'll rebel and try to punish everyone else.  It's incredibly hard and chaotic, but do not walk on eggshells and stand your ground.  Do not be manipulated into letting her get her way.  While it brings temporary peace to the home, it also enables her to lash out more the next time to get what she wants.  Everyone in the home will pay the price if you walk on eggshells.

One last thing; my daughters are 25 and 27, with the older one being BPD/Bipolar.  The younger was bullied, made fun of, and hated because she was viewed as the favorite.  It was never that; the younger listened to mom and dad while the older one didn't.  It was incredibly hard at times but my kids are still close today and have a good relationship.  That aspect will work itself out in time as your kids get older; don't sweat it too much!

Hi again,

That sums up pretty well some of the issues the pwBPD in my life faced in early adulthood.  I find it a bit perplexing though.

On the one hand, there's the fear of abandonment.  I think that for my pwBPD (adult stepdaughter), it isn't so much abandonment that's the issue, but rather dealing with feelings of "rejection" . . . like she doesn't measure up and can't have the friendships or lifestyle she craves.  This issue emerged mostly vis-a-vis her peers, particularly other women (think, sorority sisters and roommates).  My theory is that my pwBPD has unrealistic expectations about the amount of "devotion" she demands from her friends.  I think she expects for relationships to be too intense, and when her friends don't measure up, she feels "rejected."  I can only imagine how all these feelings are supersized in the age of texting 24/7 and performative posting on social media.  Any post by a friend without her, and she could interpret it as being purposely excluded.  She takes everything uber-personally, not just as an insult, but as a personal affont.  I think she feels "unloveable."

I have a sub-theory that my pwBPD expects to have such intense female friendships because she never really bonded with her mom, and she's looking for a substitute mom?  Yet if she demands motherly attention and nurturing from her female friends all the time, well, then she's constantly disappointed.  I get the sense that she sees friendships in all-or-nothing terms.  But I think for most people, friendship intensity varies from superficial to close, depending on the situation--a classmate, workmate, gym buddy, roommate, teammate, neighbor, childhood friend, etc.  Even the best of friends won't act like a substitute mom, doing the emotional caretaking and reassuring that the pwBPD seem to demand.

Then there's the anger.  Indeed it seems to come out of nowhere, at first.  She'll typically react with anger when she feels slighted by others.  But as I've witnessed her outbursts over the years, I think I've identified a pattern.  I think her outbursts have very little to do with what other people did.  I think she was just letting out her supreme frustration and ire to DEFLECT from her fundamental issues of feeling lost and inferior.  It's all a distraction!  Look, her typical reaction to life's stressors, pressures and disappointments was to hide away in her room.  That is avoidance, the "flight" response.  But then she'd encounter some sort of extrenal trigger--usually a disappointment in her life--and she'd unleash her anger onto someone else, for a completely unrelated "offense."  If there wasn't something to latch onto and be offended by that day, she'd dredge up a grievance from a decade ago.  Her brain would invariably concoct a victim narrative, how somebody aggrieved her and traumatized her, and she'd let out her anger.  Yet, most of the time she was projecting her inner ill feelings that were welling up because of something completely unrelated.  You see, she was angry at herself.  For giving up.  For wrecking her friendships.  For not taking care of herself, living like a slob, sitting on the sidelines of her life, not going anywhere, feeling stuck, hating everybody and everything, most of all herself.  Add to that an extremely negative self-image (hating her body, face, etc.) and striving for impossible beauty standards, and she doesn't want to live anymore.  She can't get away from herself and all her negativity!

Since those feelings are too intense though, she turns them around and blames YOU for ruining her life.  You're mean, narcissistic, controlling, lazy, manipulative, a liar, abusive, and worthless, and you'd be better off euthanized.  Moreover, she didn't ask to be born, it's your fault she's miserable, you OWE her.  If you don't give her what she wants, she might as well just die.  That right there is what I call going "nuclear."  She's threatening her life to get what she wants.  She's initiated a nuclear threat of mutually assured destruction.  In my opinion, once she crosses that line, she is bound to escalate unless she gets some therapy.

While of course it is not this, but maybe it can be likened to an emotional version of Tourette Syndrome with its uncontrolled outbursts.  DBT works on fostering mindfulness (or wise mind) to train the person to be more aware and learn how to examine and process their feelings in a more healthy way.

I don't have anything helpful to say, but this is utterly horrifying and traumatic. I am so sorry your daughter has to live in that environment where life is treated as disposable like this

My goodness, I am so grateful for all the responses and the support. This community seems like exactly what I (and my daughter by proxy) have needed. It's been difficult finding anyone other than medical professionals and my sweet mother who has walked this path with us, that understand even a little bit of what our days are like.

Since posting, my daughter's psychiatrist has diagnosed her with PTSD and Emerging Borderline Personality Disorder. She agrees that she meets all the symptoms and is treating her as though she is diagnosed with BPD, while waiting until she is 18 to put that final diagnosis in her chart. Although the treatments have not changed and we are on the same course we were, I do think it helped my daughter to finally feel like someone listened to her. She had been telling every physician we see that she thought this was her diagnosis only to be blown off.

She has been in therapy for over a year, but since leaving residential, I do feel as though she is taking it more seriously. She does 9 hours of DBT group therapy a week, 1 private therapy session and we have always done family therapy. There are some days where she absolutely refuses to join session and locks away in her room. That seems to be a common theme for when she is dysregulated. She will lock herself in her room and sit behind her door so no one can come in. I have tried to encourage her when she is in moments like this and remind her of all the things her therapist has suggested (you are loved, we are here for you, this is just a moment and not forever, etc.) but it only seems to make it worse and she gets more emotional and angrier. I have learned the best thing I can do is leave her be and check on her every so often.

Anger is the hardest part for me. She can be so happy and enjoying time with myself and her sisters and then out of nowhere, she is cussing us out, calling us horrible stuff, throwing things, punching walls, etc. We do live on eggshells with her and the whole house tries our best not to "trigger" her. It's been difficult for my other daughters because their big sister is a completely different person. I know one person responded to me saying this happened overnight and maybe there were signs we missed, but even my daughter explains this the same way. Her psychiatrist told us it's not uncommon for this to pop up like this one day and she has experienced this same thing happening with teenagers around her age. Her body and brain just when into "fight or flight" from all the trauma one day.

There were some books suggestions, and I have read "Walking on Eggshells". I just got "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". These have been very helpful! Send all the resources, I’m here for them!

It seems to be her core symptom is abandonment. She and her sisters were abandoned by my now ex-husband and their father seemingly overnight. I could go on all day about all the things he did to hurt them in this time of our lives, but it doesn’t even matter. This left my daughter with a deep seeded fear of being left again. We had a saying when they were young ... anytime I had to go somewhere and leave them with my mother, or other caregiver, we would repeat ... "Where is mom going, NO WHERE". It was always my oldest daughter (the one referenced here) that had the biggest fear of someone leaving her again. She always needed a lot of reassurance that I would be back. It was heartbreaking to watch. It still is. Where she doesn't think I am going to abandon her anymore, it has turned to "just leave me, get rid of me" in moments of dysregulation now.

My heart goes out to everyone who has someone in their life struggling through this. I have spent countless hours crying over watching my child feel a pain that I cannot take away for her. And it's so hard to explain to someone that when she is cussing me out and treating me horribly, that this is pain for her. They see it as a "bad child that needs discipline" not understanding that she doesn't want to feel like this or act this way. After a splitting episode, she is always remorseful and cries, begging me to help make it stop and she just wants her life back"

I so appreciate all of you and want so much to be the same support one day for others going through this, as you have all been for me in this post. I have learned over the last year that finding "your people", those whom you can vent to, and they understand is a very important form self-care. So, thank you so much for showing up for a mom when she needed it most. I am utterly grateful for all of you and look forward to a continued journey with any and all of you!

I've been in the Philippines for the last 2.5 years so I'm behind on US prices.  I just bought four new tires here for about $250, and it's because other countries make quality discount tires for a fraction of the price.  I got the best ones they had at my size and was very surpsied at the all-in price.

Anyway, there's no reason for a set of tires to be $900 over there.  I'm almost sure I can buy the exact same tires here with a different brand name on them for a third of that price.

Yeah, it blows my mind.  My ex wife said that it's not her; it's her new husband.  He doesn't believe in giving kids things like that and it's better for them to earn it.  My thoughts were- but my ex somehow earned it? 

Our deal was it stayed in her name but we'd all use it when needed.  The kids have certainly earned it just as much as anyone- my wife lived with them for over six months when she left and didn't pay a penny in helping out with the bills.  That's when they started the landscape business just to get by...with mom freeloading inside their home.

It's the typical BPD response though- my ex is the victim while her husband is the cold-hearted persecutor.  He seems like a good enough guy and I know for a fact he'd give the kids the truck if they asked.  My daughter doesn't want to go that route though because she feels like she shouldn't have to.  My wife's husband has that exact same truck, but 15 years newer, that they can use for whatever when they need a truck.  That's what makes all of this so ridiculous- my ex and her husband have 5 or 6 cars and trucks.

Anyway, I'm over it.  It's my wife's truck and in my mind, "our ownership deal" doesn't apply anymore.  I won't ever ask to use the truck again and hopefully my kid just returns it somehow.

Hi again,

I'm replying because my disordered BIL is exactly the same way.  He has a masters, possibly a doctorate (I don't remember).  He has a law degree.  On paper, his career looks great . . . until you get to know him.  He should have been a top earner, but he languished, because he's allergic to working and doesn't collaborate well.  Eventually he got fired from a cushy corporate job at a private company, though he blamed it on Covid.  My sister knows better, because he was given a performance improvement plan.  It was the sort of company that doesn't fire except as a last resort.

My BIL can't keep house.  It's as if he never graduated from living like a college kid in a frat house.  (My theory is that he is "stuck" in that stage of life, which I think might be why he spent so much time getting his degrees.  I'm pretty sure he spent more time in college/university than he did actually working.)  Having said that, he'll pull himself together and get his home in order to impress people, such as CPS.  Since he's smart, he can be charming and ingratiating, while lying through his teeth--he's extremely convincing.  All he has to do is buy time before the CPS in-person interview and hire some cleaners.  When CPS made their visits, they noted he had fresh flowers on the kitchen table.  I think they should have known that was a total set-up . . . but then again, he can be convincing when he wants to be.  The way he talks about himself seems delusional to me, and the ease with which he lies is stunning.  I know that NPD is distinct from BPD, but the delusional/distorted beliefs, demandingness, entitlement and exploitation of others can be amazingly similar.

I could go on for paragraphs about the horrible state of his home.  Let's just say that he and my sister bought their house over a decade ago, with the down payment provided by my sister (of course).  They've been separated for seven years, during which time my BIL has lived in the marital home on his own, unemployed the entire time.  As a result, he can't refinance the morgage to buy my sister out, and pursuant to the divorce decree, they have to sell the house and split the proceeds.  It took him over a year(!) to move out and put the home on the market.  According to Zillow, the value of the house should have more than doubled.  Yet the asking price is $450k less than the Zillow value, because he did that much damage to the home through general abuse and neglect of maintenance (e.g. leaky roof, septic needs replaced, A/C completely broken, plumbing issues, deck destroyed from snow/ice damage, yard completely overgrown, mold, pests, flooring a mess, etc.).  At this point I think my sister will be lucky if she gets her down payment back.

I'm not sure what you can take away from all this, except to document as much as you can.  I really hope your ex doesn't get into more car accidents.  But as she's disordered and a heavy drinker, and she's had issues in the past, the risk is real.  My experience is that if things are bad and your pwBPD/NPD isn't getting help or therapy, things generally don't get better.  In the case of my BIL, things definitely went downhill.  I'd say, he's gotten worse each year, as he's gradually lost his support system--his ex wife, parents, brother, his former friends.  I think everyone has had enough of over-functioning for him, and when he's left to his own devices, he's an utter mess.

Today was bittersweet. The baby turned one today and my phone suggested pictures to me. I ended up spending some time looking at pictures and videos of me and my grandchild. I enjoyed looking at them even though I am sad that she is gone. I cried a little but then I got myself busy with work I needed to get done. My husband said he hates her for taking the baby away. I don’t feel hate but I am very wary of letting her come back around which I know she will eventually try to do. I do agree with the poster above who said my daughter is projecting her bad mothering and her financial exploitation onto me. My utilities are half what they were since she left in June.

I had to arrange for hospice for my mom today and she was having her own anxiety over the fact that her chemotherapy has been stopped. I just can’t possibly deal with my daughter at this time. I really thought the baby changed her but it was all an illusion.