Ah the automobile. It’s funny how an object can hold such a profound and symbolic level of nostalgia. As you say in this day and age it’s becoming increasingly difficult to become a homeowner so for many of us the car or truck becomes the most valuable possession in our lives. Since its invention we have become attached to the motor car in kind of a similar way we become attached to a family pet.

many years ago I bought my ex a mk1 golf (rabbit for those in the US) cabriolet. I paid for it, I did much work to it, and when we separated she wanted to sell it after 17 years of ownership. She said she would give me half the profit, but she sold it for half its true value and I didn’t see a penny. While it was sad, a little like losing a pet (well not quite but you know) I saw it as one problem, or one link removed.

We also had another car, a Subaru, owned for a similar length of time. The ex would not let me look after it as I would like, if I wanted to go outside and clean it she would moan because it would be taking my attention away from her. When we split up, it wouldn’t start the following day, the battery died, so she rang me ranting about it. Two months later it failed it’s mot due to rust because I hadn’t been able to maintain it, and it has sat in a local garage waiting to be repaired for the last two and a half years. The irony is she loved that car more than anything else.

So her boyfriend bought her a Range Rover. A 15 year old one only worth a couple of grand, it looked expensive and flash but I could see through it. I told her it will break. A year later it broke beyond economic repair. The insurance took it away and she is now in an insurance loan car, and somebody smashed the back window in on that a couple of weeks ago.

A flip to this story is she has been using both our sons cars at times because her lack of care and poor choices has left her without a vehicle, and each of these cars has suffered damage due to her negligence. My sons car has sat at the bottom of our garden with two burst tyres and a smashed wheel she said she would replace a year ago but hasn’t. So on the other side of the coin, as your daughter has been using it I think it’s probably fair she is the one that pays for things that wear out on it because if it was the other way round as in my case and it was your ex borrowing the vehicle from your daughter you wouldn’t expect your daughter to pay for the cost of maintaining it when it is your ex using it, and ultimately wearing things out.

I guess this is a long convoluted way of saying it’s only a vehicle. While we do get emotionally attached to them, at the end of the day it is just an object. While I understand your frustration that your ex doesn’t appear to be helping out even though she seems financially able to, there might be an element of nostalgia around the truck that is driving your frustration.

This analogy keeps landing really well. The focus in this week's NEABPD course is a deep dive on Validation, so I'm hoping to gain from that and ask some great, dumb questions.

I'm moving into the tools part of the High Conflict book this afternoon.

I'm also making myself go out and see my friends. They're all wanting to help. It's been 6+ years of this, so I get weary bringing the same problems and cycles to them each time. As if I'm exhausting them by it, even tho they're asking about it.

Back into the caves of self exploration and revelation we go!

Hi Pook.  I have nothing to add but you're always there for the rest of us, so I just wanted to state my support and also say kudos to your daughter and son-in-law.

Hi guys,

I’ve been on this forum for a while and have had an on off relationship with someone with bpd,

I’m a 42-year-old man and was with my ex, for just over six years. We lived together and she is, without question, the woman I’ve loved more than anyone else. She loved being nurtured, looked after and feeling emotionally safe, and I loved protecting, guiding and caring for her. It felt very natural to both of us.

The relationship was incredible at its best, but we had a repeating cycle. Whenever she became overwhelmed, she would often withdraw, shut down emotionally, become defensive, or end the relationship. I would become anxious, chase, apologise, analyse everything and try to repair things. Looking back, I became the emotional caretaker of the relationship.

There were also breaches of trust. During one previous breakup she told me she hadn’t spoken to anyone else, but when we reconciled I discovered she had been flirting with several men, sending nudes and saying hurtful things about me that weren’t true. She was deeply apologetic, even tattooed my name afterwards, and I forgave her, but I never fully recovered from the hurt. It became a source of insecurity for me.

Our final breakup happened after an argument about that history. I mentioned that during one of our breakups other women had sent me nudes. She became extremely angry, assaulted me, and I left the house. I made the terrible decision to drive after drinking and was arrested for drink driving. She was arrested for assault. We ended up separated and legal restrictions meant she couldn’t contact me for around three months.

During those months I worked hard on myself. I went to the gym, read books, worked on my anxious attachment, did a lot of inner-child work and realised that for years I’d abandoned my own needs because I was terrified of losing her. One of the biggest lessons I learned was that I don’t want to carry a relationship by myself anymore.

Halfway through the no-contact period I sent her a video saying that if she ever wanted to speak again, she could simply change her WhatsApp profile picture. She did change it. Nothing happened for a while after that. Later I assumed it was over and blocked her. She immediately called me, we argued, but eventually calmed down and decided to start talking again.

We’ve now been reconnecting for a few days. We text throughout the day, have had a couple of FaceTimes lasting about an hour, and she’s generally warm. She often initiates messages like “Good morning,” asks about my day, tells me about job interviews, sends me Instagram reels and has tried to FaceTime me herself once. She agreed to rebuild contact and, early on, said something that really stood out to me: if I’d been with anyone else, she wouldn’t be interested in rebuilding contact.

At the same time, she’s also asked me not to make things too intense because she’s under a lot of stress. She recently lost her job, is worried about her health, and has said she’d rather keep things light for now. When I suggested meeting, she didn’t say no, she said it was too soon and asked me to give it a couple of weeks.

My concern is that I’m starting to notice familiar patterns. I usually say “I love you” first. I usually say “I miss you” first. I initiated both FaceTimes. I tend to be the one moving things forward emotionally. She responds warmly, but rarely leads in those areas herself.

I don’t want to repeat our old dynamic where I become responsible for carrying the relationship. At the same time, I also don’t want to misinterpret someone who is simply rebuilding trust slowly after everything we’ve been through.

My questions are:

From your experience, does this sound like someone who is cautiously rebuilding trust, or someone who is keeping me at arm’s length?

If you’ve been in a similar relationship, what behaviours genuinely helped rebuild attraction and emotional safety after a traumatic breakup?

If she does have quiet/internalised BPD traits, what would you avoid doing at this stage?

Is there anything in my behaviour that still sounds anxious or likely to recreate the old pursue/withdraw cycle?

Most importantly, if your goal was to maximise the chances of a healthy reconciliation, not just getting her back, but rebuilding something that actually lasts, what would you do differently if you were me?

I’m looking for honest opinions, even if they’re difficult to hear. I love this woman deeply, but I also don’t want to rebuild the same unhealthy relationship we had before.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

Remember the hammer analogy I gave you?  When you hit your finger with the hammer, all you can think about is pain.

As you learn to validate and calm situations, your partner will not be in that "I hit my finger with the hammer" mentality all the time.  One a scale of 1 to 10, maybe she ramps up to a 9 in intensity now.  But as you learn to validate, it builds trust and she learns to regulate her emotions much better.

For instance, when my ex walked away, she'd get to a 10 in intensity every time we talked.  Anything I said that she didn't agree with, it was explosive fury almost instantly.  But over time, as I learned to communicate a different way, our conversations haven't passed a 2 in intensity in years.  Same person, same topics...but the trust was rebuilt and I learned to validate.

Of course, I said "my ex" because we divorced.  We could have made it work though if she was willing, because we were past the worst of it and we both genuinely healed.  Our conversations today and friendly and productive.  We laugh, we make fun of our kids.  It's a good relationship and she's still 100% mentally ill and untreated.

I shared that to say that you have options here.  Walking away is certainly an option and nobody would blame you.  It's real work keeping these types of relationships healthy and it's rarely fair for the non-BPD.  But it can be turned around and it can be a healthy relationship if you choose that path.

It's good that you got angry.  It's good that you're having second thoughts.  That means you're actually processing this and seeing both sides of the coin.  Nobody here should tell you to stay or go, that's all on you.  But I'm glad that you're starting to heal and see things a little more objectively.

Checking in.

Last weekend was incredibly restful. No contact led way to attempts at contact this week and predictable patterns of push/pull and gushes of emotional dysregulation. I've been angry. More angry than before. I got angry with Fruzetti's book High Conflict Couples when it attempted to tell me how to validate my partner; worked myself to the realization that I struggle with validating her feelings  while keeping my own self-respect knowing how false the points are. I've been trying to wrap my mind around the Transactional Model and have been taking steps back during the occasional text spirals to assess what I'm seeing.

I do think that I contributed to her instability by way of not understanding validation... but I'm one half a situation. Resentment after resentment and insult after insult is hurled at me and I take deep breaths and respond with validating replies until she stops.

I can feel a crossroad. I don't know if I can be with this person, knowing how there will never be a recovery within this experience that gives way for my own sadness, my own chronic invalidations, and my valid and personal experience of our marriage. I just... don't see it happening. The only way forward seems to be a world where I go 100% forward as the problem and... enter the same cycle?

Anger/hopelessness. Still sleeping at my office. Mad that the home I just bought is without me. I'm without my dogs and cats and kids and things... so that she can have space? I'm giving her  that space. And I'm seeing the cycle in the text messages. The same cycle.

I'm ________ing exhausted. Separation will not end, yet.

Pook- I think one reason this irks you is that you are thinking about this logically, fairly, and because it is hurtful to your child. For your ex with BPD- her reasons may not make sense- because they are emotional.

For my BPD mother, objects to her were a form of control. What gave her "power" was if she had something we wanted, or valued. Even if she didn't want something herself,  if she knew we wanted it, then she'd keep it.

Even if something belonged to us. Sometimes, if she was angry and dissociated- she'd destroy things we cared about. Or she could threaten us that she'd do it.

In her elder years, she'd say she wanted to "downsize" but couldn't because of all the things in her house. Yet, if we offered to take any of them, she wouldn't let us do that. Even our own things. I had some items from college in her house and when I tried to take them, she ran after me telling me I can't have anything in her house, so I put them back.

She would ask us what we wanted, and if we said we wanted something, then she'd change her mind and decide to keep it.

We wondered if this was due to a fear of abandonment- that maybe if we took all the things we wanted, we wouldn't visit her. That wasn't true, so we tried saying "we are here for you, not your possessions" and refuse to take anything. We thought that would reassure her, but that seemed to bother her more, so sometimes I went along with her "do you want this" and just said "yes" whether I wanted it or not, just to give her the "yes" she wanted, but she didn't give me the items I said "yes" to.

I realized the only way I could emotionally "untangle" myself from this dynamic was to not have any interest in anything she owned. That wasn't true, I didn't want items for their material value but some were sentimental. Still, I knew to not react emotionally if she brought them up.

She did this "do you want this" and change her mind to one of my kids, and I could see my kid's tears welling up. So I get why you feel this way for your own kid. She didn't want the item, your wife doesn't need the truck. It would be a kind thing to do to just let your child buy it for the cost she offered.

But here's the result, this impacted her relationship with this grandchild who by then was a young adult. Your D will experience this with her own mother. As much as we want to protect our own kids from hurtful behavior, once they are adults, they can assess their relationships for themselves. While we do expect our kids to act with decency/respectfully to a mother/grandmother - that doesn't mean they have to want to be close to them.

Yes, I was upset to see my mother refuse to give something to my kid- after offering it, however, this was between the two of them. I didn't need to intervene between them. I don't think you do either.

If it were my situation, for me, that truck is long gone. The only control I have would be my own feelings of attachment to it. I also would feel for my child in this situation but if your ex is going to treat your D like this, this is on her and your D will respond according to her own boundaries.

If you want to and are able to help your D get a truck, then help her to get another one, within budget, and if not with money- you can also offer to go with her to look at trucks and help her choose one she likes and can afford. I know each family manages this differently, but for young people, a first time car/truck purchase can be intimidating and they may appreciate a parent going with them to help them decide on one.

Hi again,

I get that the costs of living seem only to increase.  I've volunteered in a financial education capacity and seen how much people struggle these days.

I guess my tip for your daughter and SIL would be to start by tracking expenses.  Knowledge is power.  Maybe they already know where all their money is being spent, but it can help to track anyway, if only by making spending more intentional.

I have another, perhaps unconventional tip, which would be to try eliminating screen entertainment at home, completely.  In my 20s and early 30s, that meant not buying a TV, let alone cable service.  I didn't pay for any cable TV until my 40s, and I found it liberating.  It wasn't so much the monetary savings, to the tune of $150 a month or thereabouts, but the time savings.  I probably got 20 hours or more per week back.  Those hours I "reinvested" in myself:  working more hours for extra pay and bonuses, learning, socializing, exercising, getting good sleep.  Ultimately, I think that time is money, and without the temptation of entertaining screens at home, less time is wasted.  You might think, it's not possible to do that today.  I'd say, it is.  My Gen X sister had no screens (internet or TV) in her home for years, until recently, when she started a new hybrid job.  Her kids grew up with no screens (except for a brief hiatus during Covid when "learning" remotely at home).  That opened up all sorts of possibilities for creative play, music, reading, etc.  The kids did their internet-based homework at the school or public library.

And my last tip is the conventional one:  Make your own food, coffee, snacks, etc.  Pack up lunches to take to work.  It's much, much cheaper and healthier, too.  It takes a little effort and planning, yes, but I'd say it takes less time that it would take to order takeout and pick it up.  Don't get me started on DoorDash.

With home prices, interest rates, and just general inflation, people 30 or younger have a decent chance of never owning their own home.  Rent prices are absolutely insane these days too because nobody can afford to buy.  They both work and do the lawn care on the side just to basically break even each month. 

I absolutely hate that for them, but I do admire that they're doing it anyway and raising two kids.

Honestly, I didn't think to ask.  They probably don't have collission since it's just an old Toyota full-sized work truck.  But I'd guess my ex has been paying it.

That could actually sweeten the deal, it saves her money and I deal with all the problems.  But I'm okay with that.