Reading your post again, I have some questions. Please note- there's no intent to be critical, just to see what potential pittfalls there could be in this situation so you can be prepared.

The urgency, followed by the increase in difficult behavior to the point where you can't stand it and give in, is a familiar pattern. BPD mother had this same urgency followed by escalation. She just had to have whatever she decided was a solution for her, and she persisted until she got it.

The most recent rentals I have been involved in have been with my adult children. Leasing companies and landlords don't want to take risks with renters who may not pay. One had to apply to rent, with a background check, credit check, and needed proof of employment and income in order to qualify. Then the documents needed to be reviewed. So it wasn't a quick process. For some apartments, If their income during college was not sufficient to qualify, then they would need a parent to also apply and be a guarantor.

How did your wife, who isn't employed, qualify on her own to rent? Also there had to be an application process so how could it have been quick?

Did she qualify on your income and did you or anyone else also sign as a guarantor? How long a lease is this? If only your wife's name is on the lease, are you in a state where debt is marital- joint debt?

Just wondering what possible financial impact this may have on you.

I had a facility presentation today. I was pretty anxious wondering if someone would decide to drop in. First two presentations over. I'm third, 'someone' logs into the Teams aspect of it to hear me speak. I know there isn't an answer to any of this. But why would you even want to hear someone speak who you accused of horrible awful things at work?

I mean, before we started dating she would say she'd sneak into her bosses office to hear me on meetings because my voice 'soothed her'. Just brings back a gross feeling.

It’s been a long while since I last posted. I felt I needed a break and some things seemed to be getting better. But it’s rough again and I’m struggling to decide what to do about it.

Problem 1: My parents just moved from my hometown 45 minutes away to a new house about 2 miles from us. It’s had uBPDh in a spiral of anxiety. He’s convinced they’ll be coming by our house all the time or insisting on family dinners every week. This, even though they have never shown signs of this and have always respected space and boundaries. Not to mention they’re very active and have a lot of friends and family here. They’ll hardly rely on us for company.
Yesterday, he bumped into them at the grocery store. They all spoke to each other and I thought it sounded fine,” from his description. Later, he was dysregulated (and had been drinking, as I found out later) and went on and on about how they couldn’t get away from him fast enough and that my dad had “a look.”
My family is an ongoing issue. He wants to belong, but feels nervous and backs out of gatherings often. When he does go, I’ll hear about his anxiety for days before and if anything rubs him wrong, it will come up for years.
He’s convinced they don’t like him and I feel like there’s nothing I can really say or do, yet keep hearing it.

Problem 2: His mom. She’s a difficult woman. I get along with her fine, but she and uBPDh have a troubled relationship. She’s likely got some sort of OCD. She’s obsessive about people’s weight and brings it up constantly. But, there’s no one to help her with things other than uBPDh, as he’s an only child and she’s cut herself off from any friends.
For a while, it was fine, but now almost any time he talks to her he ends up in a horrible mood.
She lives 2.5 hours away, so we don’t see her much. She doesn’t drive on the highway anymore. But now she makes comments about my family living closer — passive-aggressive comments about seeing them more. Then uBPDh goes off on me about how my family is more important. I’ve told him for more than a year that we should spend Thanksgiving with her, yet he keeps saying “I know we’ll have yo do Thanksgiving here in the new house.” Drives me crazy. I’ve said the exact opposite.
Visiting her involves planning and a dog sitter, but I’m always willing and supportive. Truth is, he hates going and never wants to go, but when upset, he’ll pin it on me.

Problem 3: SS15, but that would be a post of its own.

I know all this is pretty typical projection, feelings = facts, etc. But I’m getting more than a little fed up.

It just all feels hopeless. My family isn’t going away anytime soon and I’m so tired of any get-together (he says it’s all the time, but there hasn’t been one since Christmas) or text (there’s a full family text string and my niece in college sends a lot about what she’s up to) triggering him.

I have always paid close attention to the favorite person, however, I find that so interesting, I never thought of the favorite person SWITCHING, that is eye-opening.  I have ZERO doubt my mother wants to be a "rescuer", I believe she has very low self-esteem and this draws attention to her; as children she would either be "nice" to me or to my sister, however, never to both at one time.  My therapist uses the term "diad"; I also speak to her about how to be "ready" in case pwBPD attempts to reconnect!  Thank you!

I put these two statements together to contrast his behavior and your reaction a bit. 

So this person knowingly used a highly traumatic event in your life to manipulate you. 

Whether he's a "bad" person or not, this is dreadful behavior, and sociopathic to put another human being through.  This isn't something you can pass off as "well, he was just going through a hard time in his life." 

You're very tolerant, and had the personal fortitude to overcome his behavior, but can you imagine the hell he would put someone weaker than you through?  You were able to get out, but what if someone else can't?

I'm not saying that you need to consider him a bad person, because I also don't really agree with labelling people good or bad, but we still can judge their behavior and hold them accountable in some way.

It sounds like you're recognizing what he put you through & learning from it, which is good.  Maybe someday you get a chance to weigh in on his character to help someone else see it; maybe another friend dates him, or someone reaches out for advice about it, but maybe you never get that chance.  But at least as more people learn how to handle pwBPD, or these Cluster B behavioral disorders, they'll have less opportunities to use other people and cause chaos for all of us. 

We all process this in our own way.  I think as an adult having an interaction with someone like this for the first time, you need to rearrange your worldview to accommodate the possibility that someone could be like that (BPD).  It's really insidious.

And the older we get, the more experienced we are at spotting these red flags and saying "NO, THANKS" when the BPD-ishness starts. 

Or at least we're more set in our ways, and have less tolerance for someone who decides their new partner is a "project" to work on, and not another adult.   

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062323.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

P.S.

If your daughter doesn't ask you for a ride, you go ahead and assume she doesn't need one.  Don't check in or pester her.  OK?

Best regards.

Hi Anxious,

I'm really glad to hear that things have gotten a little better.  My guess is that you've started to erect healthy boundaries.  But I'm with Pook, wondering why you're hanging around outside your adult daughter's residence?  She's an adult, she's the one responsible for arranging for transportation to and from work, and she doesn't have to "report" to you her whereabouts like a little girl.  While it would be nice and courteous of her to let you know she's OK, if you demand that and wait on pins and needles, that could feel intrusive.  I think that if you hover too much, you're basically telling your daughter that you lack confidence in her, and that she's not capable!  You are projecting your worry onto her, probably increasing your daughter's anxiety level.  It could become a vicious circle, where the less confidence you have, the less she has in herself, and the less independently she functions.

My advice?  You could give her a ride, but if she's not at her door waiting for you, you go ahead and drive to work.  That's no different than a school bus or a car pool--bus drivers aren't calling or texting to check on the kids, they move on.  You are NOT her back-up transportation--she can get an Uber, or work from home, or call in sick with her supervisor.  My guess it would only take one or two missed rides from you to learn to be on time.  You have your life to life, and you need to get to work on time, and worry-free!  You can be nice, but not at the expense of your own well-being.  If your daughter throws a fit, you could say, "OK, I came by at the normal time and you weren't there, I assumed you got to work on your own."  THAT is your assumption.  That represents a subtle mind-shift, of assuming the best (competence, self-reliance), not the worst (she's in trouble, she's lazy, she's upset).

Just my two cents.  All the best to you.

Hi Mom,

You've come to the right place.  Many parents come here drained--emotionally, physically, financially and socially.  Maybe you're in a FOG, meaning operating in a cloud of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, uncertain of what went wrong, let alone how to make things better.  We can relate to that!

Would you care to share if you're looking for support for your daughter, for you or both?  What would you say is your biggest issue right now?  Familial dysfunction, your daughter's victim attitude, threats or acts of self-harm?  People here have seen a lot of that.  Though every situation is unique, there are many recurring themes.  If you start reading under the Son/Daughter section, my guess is you will find some familiar-sounding stories.

All my best to you.