@CC43, in my case, BPDxw is pretty "high functioning" as far as BPDers go; education-wise she has two master's degrees, and at first glance, has a successful career (although when you dip into it, it doesn't make a lot of sense, and she basically just wandered away from one profession to do another).
That being said, her driving history is a mess, as well as her home and, there's a lot of chaos there, but she's good at hiding it.
She knows how to play the game, and can pull it together to appear however she wants to appear; it also helps she can shamelessly lie through her teeth and cry on cue.
Hi again,
I'm replying because my disordered BIL is exactly the same way. He has a masters, possibly a doctorate (I don't remember). He has a law degree. On paper, his career looks great . . . until you get to know him. He should have been a top earner, but he languished, because he's allergic to working and doesn't collaborate well. Eventually he got fired from a cushy corporate job at a private company, though he blamed it on Covid. My sister knows better, because he was given a performance improvement plan. It was the sort of company that doesn't fire except as a last resort.
My BIL can't keep house. It's as if he never graduated from living like a college kid in a frat house. (My theory is that he is "stuck" in that stage of life, which I think might be why he spent so much time getting his degrees. I'm pretty sure he spent more time in college/university than he did actually working.) Having said that, he'll pull himself together and get his home in order to impress people, such as CPS. Since he's smart, he can be charming and ingratiating, while lying through his teeth--he's extremely convincing. All he has to do is buy time before the CPS in-person interview and hire some cleaners. When CPS made their visits, they noted he had fresh flowers on the kitchen table. I think they should have known that was a total set-up . . . but then again, he can be convincing when he wants to be. The way he talks about himself seems delusional to me, and the ease with which he lies is stunning. I know that NPD is distinct from BPD, but the delusional/distorted beliefs, demandingness, entitlement and exploitation of others can be amazingly similar.
I could go on for paragraphs about the horrible state of his home. Let's just say that he and my sister bought their house over a decade ago, with the down payment provided by my sister (of course). They've been separated for seven years, during which time my BIL has lived in the marital home on his own, unemployed the entire time. As a result, he can't refinance the morgage to buy my sister out, and pursuant to the divorce decree, they have to sell the house and split the proceeds. It took him over a year(!) to move out and put the home on the market. According to Zillow, the value of the house should have more than doubled. Yet the asking price is $450k less than the Zillow value, because he did that much damage to the home through general abuse and neglect of maintenance (e.g. leaky roof, septic needs replaced, A/C completely broken, plumbing issues, deck destroyed from snow/ice damage, yard completely overgrown, mold, pests, flooring a mess, etc.). At this point I think my sister will be lucky if she gets her down payment back.
I'm not sure what you can take away from all this, except to document as much as you can. I really hope your ex doesn't get into more car accidents. But as she's disordered and a heavy drinker, and she's had issues in the past, the risk is real. My experience is that if things are bad and your pwBPD/NPD isn't getting help or therapy, things generally don't get better. In the case of my BIL, things definitely went downhill. I'd say, he's gotten worse each year, as he's gradually lost his support system--his ex wife, parents, brother, his former friends. I think everyone has had enough of over-functioning for him, and when he's left to his own devices, he's an utter mess.
