Boundaries... People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are masters at avoiding and evading Boundaries.  Being aware of that common trait, we must do what is not very intuitive.  Boundaries are for us.  Our boundaries are exhibited in how we respond to poor behavior.  See the topics on boundaries here on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.

Stripped to the basics, I describe this as a framework, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will respond by doing nor not doing ___."  In other words consequences for the poor behavior.

Be aware of course that you will encounter strong resistance to impel you to retreat back to prior patterns.  We call it extinction bursts.  They're predictable but you may never know how long it might last before the other senses that you won't be intimidated or cowed into appeasing or giving up.

My now-ex and I had for years shared our accounts.  But once we had a child the tensions rose.  Every couple years we would have to replace a used car with another used car.  This time - it turned out to be mere months before we separated and divorced - she refused to sign the J&S acknowledgement for the loan paperwork from my work's retirement account.  The small dealer, a mutual friend, was livid.

I immediately went to an old friend and applied for a loan from his bank.  The loan terms were that I deposit my paycheck into a personal account at his bank.  (I'm still there, by the way.)  Dealer was happy but now my spouse was absolutely furious.  I had no choice but to stay firm, a new boundary for me.  After all, it was her surprise objection that caused this.  Actually, this turned out to be a good thing since within a few months our marriage had imploded and my paycheck was protected.

On a side note, better to not have any joint credit cards.  You can be the account holder and the other be a card holder, that's okay, you're the responsible person in charge.  But sometimes when there is a joint account and you suspend it, the other has equal rights to un-suspend it which makes closing the account very problematic.

Good advice! I'll take it, .

Now I have to go back to work and give them my new new account. C'est la vie 

I will say my uBPDh and I used to have a joint account.  It did not work at all!  All of my pay went into the account and only 1/2 of his went into it.  He was in charge of paying the bills at that point and only the bills in his name got paid, as well as his gym memberships (3 different gyms), the shoes he wanted, the monthly clothes he "needed", etc...you see the point.  Anything that I bought for the kids got analized...my daughter didn't have underwear that fit so I bought her a pack that cost less than $10 and that started a complete melt down on his part, yet he bought my SD over $100 of PJs the same week and that was perfectly fine!  The joint credit card that we had at the time got maxed out by him and he did not feel like it was his responsibility to pay any of it, even though it was him that used it the most!  One of the best things we did was split up our finances.  I still pay just about all of the household bills, most everything for the kids, groceries, etc, but at least I now know bills are getting paid, how much money I have in my account and am not worried that he will go on a shopping spree on me today!  I would highly recommend closing that account if you can.  One less thing to wake up worrying about! 

You have nothing to feel bad about.  "Helping" her in the ways she is demanding would drag you down without helping her.  Lose-lose.  I am so sorry you are going through this and very glad you have other family members supporting you.

Bingo. My wife has fears of me cheating. I know this, and I try to let her know what I am doing and where I am going. It still doesnt work - she constantly demands to see my credit card bills. When I ask her why, she doesnt say anything.

We spent the last half year getting our finances together - we now have a joint account that my pay is going into and everything comes out of. Her insistence. I had fears about doing this, because she was not very good with money and will overspend if she can.

Well, she went and did it. I had a few hundred set aside for bills...and she took it. Getting back her baby bonus. Now she has left me with a few hundred gap in bills that I have had to go to my loc to cover it.

She has not had much of a job, since 2019. She did find a part time job earlier this year, but that only lasted a month or so.

About therapy...I am all for it, obviously. At this point, im going to start looking for a relationship counsellor and say (to my wife) that we have to see them.

Honestly, I think I am at an end point. It has been 20 years since we started dating. 20 years of putting up with this bs.

Another thought... Although your spouse has tried therapy a few times - for a while until she got triggered - the concept is worthwhile for you and the children too.

My divorce attorney spoke to me about family courts:  "Courts love counseling!"  So don't think you or the children wouldn't find benefits.  At the least, the children have school counselors who are good resources available for the children.

Good to know therapy has been tried, multiple times.  That is often among our first comments in our replies.


She is escalating.  Unfortunately that is a common pattern we see here.  It's almost like she is pushing boundaries, as in extinction bursts, or perhaps seeking more ways to vent herself.  Either way, it is not something to ignore.

Does she have gainful employment, even part time?  The kids are all school age so she doesn't have an excuse she has to stay home and parent all day.  Even if her contributing to the family's income is not urgent, it ought to help her feel better to be keeping busy.  And if she is working, should there be a divorce, then she would have documented an ability to have her own income.

My ex too, in our final years together, would make repeated threats to either disappear with our toddler or to divorce.  I don't believe she truly planned to do so but she sure vented it.  Our son's first sentence, at breakfast after mommy stormed off to another room, was "Mommy bad."  I've always assumed he meant "Mommy feels bad" but I took it to heart that it truly impacted our son.

Your children are surely impacted too.  We don't tell our members what to do, that decision is yours alone.  We share our collective wisdom, what general approaches work and which don't, and what we've found to be helpful skills and insightful strategies.  With that in mind, here's a post I've made in years past.

Sorry that you are back again, pretty much in the same space as 5 years ago.  I completely understand what you are going through.  My uBPDh has the same pattern as your wife's current pattern, "something/anything" triggers them on Sunday night or Monday morning.  They stay "angry" all week until Thursday/Friday and then all of a sudden they are happy and its like nothing has happened, except we feel whiplashed and confused!  I have come to realize, in my situation, that this is about me leaving for work, and thus, abandoning him.  My uBPDh used to throw a temper tantrum a couple of hours before I had to leave for work, and I would call out sick, as I didn't think it was safe to leave the kids with him.  So he learned, that if I throw a temper tantrum, she will stay home from work.  Unfortunately, clearly, this is not a way to make a good impression at work, so I started finding other places for my kids to go on these days, which he fought against big time and forced me to leave the kids with him, but luckily, now the kids are all in full day school, so are out of the house for the majority of the time that I am at work.  He has other issues now, but I have learned that he will always have some issue and its best to ignore it the best I can (way easier said than done!) and keep my head up, moving forward.  As for the "we are done" comment by your wife...I will say that I have heard this numerous times over the years.  That comment seems to punch you in the gut each time it is said, and I think that is why it is said!  I think its probably the words that go with the over the top emotional state that they are in and really just want to hurt us...and they know how to do so!  I ignore that comment, as I do every other comment made during his temper tantrums, I try to look at it like a "pink elephant" comment.  Though, I will admit, that I do use these temper tantrum moments to up my documentation on their true behavior, in case I need it down the road...or to just prove to myself, that I am NOT crazy! 

Wow, blast from the past! 

Where have we been these five years? All over. Back around again.

Back to where I made that post from.

My wife (ex?) has been much of the same, since. She started therapy...but it only lasted a couple of months before she flipped on that counsellor. "I don't need her..." was her only justification. Bull_____! You NEED her, or someone. I didn't say that, of course. Tried a couple other counsellors over the years - it was all her own decision, I felt better. But, one after another, they would fall to the flip after just a few months. She always came up with reasons, but they were just her reasons.

I have learned a lot in the past five years. I started by just not communicating with her, when she is like this. It works, at least for me. I don't get hurt. Everything she says just washes over me. It's not her, its her condition.

I actually called the police to do a wellness check, earlier this year. She had left, again, without saying where she was going. So I called the police. She came back on her own that day. The police showed up later - she was still very angry, so she left with them. It was quite the site, watching them put her in the back of a squad car. She called me about 45 minutes later, wanting to apologize. She had been at the psychosis center - they seem to be able to calm her down in no time (this was her 3rd time being there). She came home and cried in my arms.

The kids - now 16, 14, and 7 - are all pretty much aware of the fact that she has a condition. They don't ask why, when she is angry. They just quiet down and hold on. My youngest keeps coming up to give me a big hug and say "you are a good daddy" when my wife is feeling like this. Probably after my wife has said something about me. Even our kids see through the BS. They can see the truth of the situation, or at least a glimmer of it.

The past month has been horrible. For the past four weeks she has been like clockwork: every Sunday night/Monday morning she will be mad at me (for something, anything). She will be mad until Thursday/Friday, then she acts like nothing ever happened. Until Sunday night 

This week, she has been hitting things in the house. The kids were all scared, but I managed to calm them down. On Tuesday she was taking a bath while shouting at the top of her lungs. About 30 minutes of this went on. She shouted "we are getting separated!". She took off her wedding rings and left them on my night table. "So, this is how I find out?" I said, as I picked them up. She got up and said "keep them!".

Now I'm not speaking to her. I don't know what to do.