Hello and welcome to the family!

I wrote a few letters post breakup at different stages and I don't think any of them did any good.  However, the process of writing and getting my feelings out on paper helped me quite a bit.

A few of the letters I sent.  The other letters I threw away.  None of them were directly discussed or replied to though and I was okay with that.

So if you want to write a letter, write a letter.  Or write 20 of them.  It feels good to get all that out.  Just know that it's beneficial for you and probably counter-productive for your partner/ex since they'll view it through a jaded lens.  So actually sending the letter is optional and most here would tell you to save the price of the stamp...it's not worth sending.

I'm so sorry friend, but you're doing the right thing for your mental health and stability.  The abuse has to stop and she must be the one to stop it.  She HAS TO see that and accept it. 

I'm still hoping for good things for you, regardless of how this turns out.  Maybe she gets serious about therapy.  Maybe she realizes how toxic she's been.  These exact scenarios are how BPDs learn to look within and make meaningful change.

Just keep to your group, keep doing what you're doing, and let the process play out.  Things will be very different a month from now, or three months from now.  Time is on your side and your eyes have opened.  All good stuff.  Now you just need to get through the week.  You'll continue to gain clarity as time marches on.

It went full nuclear tonight (reaction to me packing my things out the way I did).

Time to tie this thread up... it's over. I'm not going back to this. Not now, not tomorrow, not again.

Now it's the chess match; I'll play with care-filled indifference. She can play for the harmony of the algorithms. I'm ready for peaceful nights of sleep, ahead. The power of blocking compels me.

Each person has several factors that will differ one from another.  Partly, differences can be attributed to genetics, childhood environment, traumas, etc.

But I also think it comes down to a person's choices.  Perhaps not consciously, perhaps so far back in childhood that a person may not remember a choice or a different life path.

I have a sibling only a couple years in age apart from me whom I always used to describe as the grumpy one in the family.  It's more than that, to the point that I consider that sibling as undiagnosed Borderline.  Why?  I can't point to any single thing, perhaps there were multiple causes for the path that was taken.  In that respect, I turned out quite the opposite.

I can't help the other.  My help would be criticized and wouldn't be accepted anyway.  I do care but it will do me no good to fret over it.  I'm reminded of a saying, "Let Go and Let God".  Since it's too much for my shoulders to bear, I leave it in better hands, God's hands.

So he will move out if he gets ownership?  What a great deal - for him.

Is your name is on the property deed?  If not, that may need to be updated in order that he can't somehow muddy up the ownership reality any more than it already is.  Will that require probate action, or whatever happens in their country?

If mother has life rights as the widow, son shouldn't be able to shoehorn himself in, but of course he will try.  If the lawyers don't realize how difficult it is to deal with the sibling, you could ask whether they could recommend who could handle the more intractable cases.

One outcome of which to be aware is that he could make life so difficult for your mother that she might give in to his pressuring or his failure to move out.  Have some strategies to avoid that happening.  Do you have in writing - and notarized - that she wants him to move out?  I worry that somehow he will produce claims that she granted him tenancy or rights to stay.

I was worried that having more children would keep you even more tightly tied to her unreasonable perceptions and control.  But this is reality and we deal with it.

Have you read "An Umbrella for Alex" by Rachel Rashkin?  It's a booklet that speaks in general terms about how to explain in a general age-appropriate terms ways to deal with an angry acting-out parent or family member.  I believe it doesn't even mention diagnostic labels.  I remember getting a copy ordered online back in my early years here.  Wow, nearly 20 years ago.

If your spouse would object to the children having  counseling sessions, there might be limited resources available with clued-in school counselors.

When it comes to seeking closure from a person with BPD traits (pwBPD), our experience is that it's generally counterproductive.  It's better to Gift yourself whatever Closure you feel you need.  Remember that explaining yourself just exposes yourself to needless discord.  We have to remember that using JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) is a communication approach that works well with us reasonably normal people, typically fails with pwBPD.  In other words... if it's over, then just accept it's over.  Let the sleeping dogs lie undisturbed.

Some here have really felt a need to DO something.  How about writing your letter and then, with or without friends or ceremony, let it burn.  (No forest fires, please!)

P.S.

I though I'd add my own experience to illustrate, with the caveat that everyone is different, and pwBPD falls on a spectrum.

My adult BPD stepdaughter has lived with her dad and me (her stepmom), on and off, for most of her adult life.  There were times she was stable, namely while she was on vacation and had zero responsibilities.  Nevertheless, the second she started having some responsibilities, such as working a part-time job or working on a job search, she'd lash out in petulant anger.  She wanted to be allowed to sleep all day, consume social media all night and not contribute anything to the household.  In the short run, this was fun for her.  But in the long run, she felt bored, alienated and lacked an "identity" as an adult.  Then, something would come up, and she'd want money, typically for extravagant travel.  She had to ask her dad for the money, and that was a source of shame.  But when he attached conditions (such as employment), she balked.  And then she'd make everyone's life miserable in the home, blaming us for the sad state of her life, and not getting to do whatever she wanted.

Last fall, my husband couldn't take the situation anymore.  Though we tried to help her search for jobs, provided encouragement, and provided all sorts of support (e.g. networking connections, free travel for out-of-state job interviews), she just didn't want to do it.  Basically, she gave up.  And then the negative thinking spiral took over (it's hopeless, my life is over, nobody wants me, I'm a failure), and she started to lash out and blame us.  The home became tension-filled and toxic.

I think the core issue was parental enablement.  In essence, she was too "comfortable" in our home, because her basic needs were met (free room and board), plus privacy (her own bedroom and bathroom), free internet, free phone, no required chores, ample spending money from her dad, plus a car and car insurance paid for by her dad.  She was too content lying on her back in bed, napping or streaming entertainment on her computer, and occassionally driving somewhere to buy preferred food items.  The notion that she'd have to sacrifice all her leisure time to work seemed daunting.  Not only that, but to pay her own way, starting with rent.  That would require a FULL-TIME job, whereas historically she'd only work a few hours here and there.  Who would choose to "downgrade" their lifestyle, if they didn't have to?  I think a pwBPD will never make that choice voluntarily, because they feel so entitled, as well as generally fearful.

But here's the thing.  The pwBPD in my life is certainly capable.  If she can work a day, she can work a hundred days, or a thousand.  Heck, she has a driver's license and drives anywhere she wants.  If she were so mentally impaired and impulsive, then why on earth is she driving around?

Last fall, my husband asked his daughter to leave, and she did.  Though I'm sure she was upset he asked her to leave, I think deep down she wanted him to do it!  That way she could "blame" him for being mean, and validate her narrative that she's abused and "abandoned."  But the truth was, she didn't hold up her end of the bargain--she'd have free housing with us, as long as she was nice, respectful and working full-time (or working full-time to find full-time work).  Though it was stressful when she left, I think it was one of the better things to happen to her!  Here's how it played out:  she stayed on a friend's couch for a short time.  Then she found a house-sitting situation.  And then she found a long-term roommate situation.  She got a couple different jobs, and she has been supporting herself for the most part.  I know she still struggles, but I think her life looks a whole lot healthier and "normal" than it did when she lived with us.  When she was living with us, she was rotting in bed.  Now at least she's working and showing independence, building an identity as a productive member of society.

Hello and welcome to the site, we can all relate to what you've gone through.

If it's some sort of closure and explanation you're seeking, it's unlikely you'll get it. In the mind of the BPD, they were always the victim and tend not to justify anything they did.

It would indeed be nice if our exBPD's did take responsibility and acknowledge - even if in a small way - that they caused problems, instead of leaving us in a shattered wreck both mentally and physically wondering what the hell just happened.

If you're happy the relationship is truly over for good then I wouldn't be inclined to initiate any contact as they would see this as you still being interested and a candidate 'if all else fails' and they have nobody else in the picture at the moment.

If you want to re-engage with the hope of trying again then remember that they were unable to accept sense, reason and logic when you actually spoke to them so are likely to treat a written letter the same way.

I wrote to my exBPD a couple of times during her many meltdowns but I don't think it ever served any real purpose. She went out with me because I was her best option at that time. Took me  a long time to realise that.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do, keep us informed we've all got your back.

Parasocial won word of the year, last year! Social media + mental illness does not equal a good time for everyone. It's such a gateway drug. I'd love to get back to posting fun, artsy things (like back in the day) but it just feels dominated by algorithms and outright depressing, now.