When we first separated, I do remember feeling strangely relieved the first week.

Not because I didn’t care-but because I didn’t have to tiptoe around anymore. There was this weird sense of “I can finally breathe.”

Then reality set in.

The house was nearly bare. My ex had taken most of the furniture. The kids weren’t there. I remember my brother-in-law coming over and just noticing how bare everything was.

One time I said this: “I feel like a piece of glass that’s just been walked on. I’m shattered into a million pieces.”

I’ve lived through a lot in my life, but this was different. It shook me. It made me wobbly. It made me feel uncertain in a way I never had been before.

A couple of weeks later, after having moved into a smaller apartment, the panic attacks began. Not just sadness-but actual fight-or-flight. I’d have to go outside just to calm down.

Looking back, I don’t think it was just the sadness. It was like my nervous system was trying to readjust after all that stress and then suddenly being cut off.

What finally changed for me was when I realized that nobody was going to come in and fix this for me. I had to rely on my own resources-my own ability to think clearly, to problem-solve, to rebuild structure.

I’m interested in hearing from others:

Did your first 30 days feel more like relief… or rupture?
Did anyone else experience panic attacks instead of just sadness?
And what did you do to start rebuilding?

For sure. I did decide to end the relationship, and I told my partner on Friday. We talked for many hours and said goodbye, and I felt really relieved albeit devastated. Things change so much day by day now, I'm seeing that I really can only take my life one small step at a time. I think I've been running such an emotional marathon over the years that I don't have it in me to make any quick moves. I'll try to stabilize in this country a bit before deciding what to do next.

My 21 year old daughter overdosed on her antidepressant meds and cut herself on Wednesday evening was rushed to hospital where she was held on the mental health unit for 72 hours. The doctor diagnosed her with BPD. She now is home and won’t talk to me and told me I am a _____ty parent. I am numb, angry and torn and don’t know what do to.

Hi there,

My general advice to parents is to leave the lines of communication open.  Nevertheless, I never "beg" for contact, let alone expect an apology.  I think that pwBPD tend to twist narratives so that they are always the victim, which means you probably won't ever hear an apology, no matter how hurtful the behavior.  I bet I could do a survey right now on these boards and ask the question, Has the loved one with BPD in your life ever apologized?  I think I know what the answer would be:  a resounding No (or at best, Not truly).

I think the best possible outcome would be resumption of contact and pretending like nothing happened.  This is how things generally play out with the pwBPD in my life.  The timeline for resumption of contact usually depends on her level of need.  In other words, she reaches out only when she needs something.  The relationship feels very transactional that way.

In the meantime, my suggestion would be to reach out relatively infrequently, with short, emotionless messages.  Try not to "beg," bribe or otherwise try to incite a response, because that comes with the pressure of expectation, and your daughters certainly don't want added pressure right now.  I think you hope for the best but expect the status quo of no response for the time being.  I'd remind you to try not to take things personally, because "punishing" you with estrangement is a typical BPD tactic.  The more you seem hurt by it, the more likely she'll continue.  The bright side is you can keep tabs on your daughters through your husband, which doesn't sound that bad to me at all.  To me, it doesn't matter so much if I'm told about things "last" or via a third party, I just feel glad to know what's going on. 

But what I'm reading is your own deep hurt by their behavior, and the concern that they don't know right from wrong.  I bet their behavior isn't a reflection of how they were raised.  My guess is that they know full well they are hurting you, and in their opinion, that retaliatory feeling trumps taking the high road.  I think you need to be the bigger person and try not to let their behavior get to you so much.  They're telling you they're not ready to have a "normal" relationship right now, and that's their choice.  You go out and celebrate your birthday with your husband, and have a great time.  I know it's hard for you right now, but with BPD, situations have a tendency to shift frequently.  I'd recommend a healthy dose of patience.  At the end of the day, this isn't really about you, this is about highly distorted thinking and emotional reactivity associated with BPD.  I think a way to cope with that is to try not to get sucked into the emotional drama created by your daughters.  I know it hurts, but this really isn't about you.  I hope that perspective will take some of the sting out of it.

That is a very heavy situation. It is logical that you feel conflicted between empathy and self-preservation.

One of the things that jumps out at me is that you already did an experiment with offering financial support, and it didn’t change anything. So, that is already known.

You are not wrong to set boundaries with regards to the money. It is acceptable to slow down and look after yourself as you try to process what, if anything, you want to be involved with.

You don’t have to get through all of this right away.

The relief you’re feeling from taking space is important. That’s your nervous system telling you something. It doesn’t erase the love or the grief ~ both can exist at the same time.

You don’t have to solve citizenship, housing, work, and your marriage all in one decision. Maybe the first step is just stabilizing yourself a bit more and building a small support net. Clarity usually comes when we’re not in survival mode.

I agree that boundaries have to be actions, not just repeating the same position.

As others have mentioned, the logistics and kids make this more complicated than simply “remove yourself.” For me, setting limits would look more like this:

~ I’m not going to keep debating open marriage. My position is clear.

~ If she chooses to pursue other relationships anyway, I’ll make decisions based on that rather than argue about it.

~ If self-harm or suicide language shows up, I involve professionals. I’m not trying to judge intent.

~ And I’m stepping back from absorbing or managing the emotional fallout.

That’s what reinforcing a boundary means in this situation.

Some clarification- there really aren't shelters in the US for domestic disagreements and there are no public ones. There are some limited ones for women in domestic violence situations. These are privately run, spaces and availability are limited. Legally, in the US, Max does not have the option of putting his wife out of the house. Neither can he just up and leave as this would be considered legal abandonment. The only real option is legal separation.

IMHO, for Max- you are more in a reactive position. You have a boundary according to what you want, but when it's crossed, then what to do about it isn't so clear, because I really think you don't want to leave. 

This isn't criticism- I observed this with my parents. My BPD mother would do something that to me, was unacceptable. Dad, not wanting to leave, would somehow rationalize it.

It's a challenge to act on a boundary when you don't want to, and are married to a spouse who stretches the limits of them. However I think even pwBPD have a sense of what is too far. This is why, I have a hunch that Max's wife may have started something with another woman but may not have "gone too far" with the relationship. It's possible she may have self sabotaged it.

Welcome. You are not alone in this. The conflict between the two of you is often as distressing as the child’s behavior. When you’re ready, it would be helpful to know if your son lives at home and what you and your husband disagree about.

I also agree that if you went through with getting her an apartment, it wouldn't solve the situation. If she wanted to do that, she'd have made her own plans. I agree with not going along with that.

Have you considered removing yourself from the situation when she starts this? I did that too. I might try validation first but if she continued being verbally cruel, I just excused myself and left the room, or the house.

This is difficult to do if there are children at home but that isn't the case with you. Have you also ever considered going to a hotel for a few days? (be sure this isn't considered legal abandonment as that is considered in divorce- to actually just leave would be but I don't know about a night or two). Has anyone here done that with a spouse?