This was the most cold and *INDIFFERENT* she’s ever been to me.

We have been broken up since June 13.  The catalyst for our break up was that I caught her sexting and I put up an hard boundary that I can’t be around if she’s talking to other guys.

 That being said she told me she was disappointed that I didn’t fight against the break up and that I seemed indifferent to it.  Initially she would ghost for a day or two then come back and tell me she missed me and loved me. 

Then we had a big blow up on 4th of July when she said she wanted to spend time with me, seemed like she wanted to reconcile, and then told me she was actually going to bed early at 9 then 2 hours later saw that she was at a bar in another state.

When we had the blow up she said she hated me and was done with me forever.  We exchanged our belongings and I thought that was it.  5 days later she texted me again and then 4 days and then 9 days and then 12 days of silence.  During the 12 day silence, she joked to one of my family members that she should tell me that she was actually dating someone so I’d get off my butt and make a move on her.

I broke the silence this time because her daughter called me to tell me she missed me and wanted me to come over.  This time however my ex was extremely short and cold and seemingly indifferent to me. I asked if we could meet face to face and she left me on read. This was the most cold and offering she’s ever been to me.

Has anyone ever experienced similar?  Is this likely the final discard?

Thank you, ForeverDad and CC43.  There is so much truth in what you are saying. Helps me move towards acceptance.

Yes, that does help. It's so frustrating because I know logically that this is a person who did all.of those things and pretty severely abused me yet I feel at fault. I know that is by design. And i know crazy makes crazy. It is very hard to keep your cool in those situations. The fights would get so bad. It would be 4 am and we both had work the next day and he would have the lights on, tv blaring, piling up everything I ever gave him on the floor, screaming at me to get the f*** out of his home and his life. And i would just be crying, hiding under the covers. He would try to push me out of the bed and eventually just go sleep on the couch but leave the tv blaring. This would happen often and I wouldn't always be able to just lay there. Sometimes I would throw a fit back. Sometimes I would drive away into the night.  There was no winning and he blames me for always pushing him to that point. And so does his ex that I told him he would unblock so that he would have more support in his life. Something he would not have done for me. I only had him block her in the first place because she was sending him love songs and asking him out to the bar after midnight.  Plus he had me block pretty much every man in my life whether I had history with them or not.

In my personal opinion, I hate how people are diagnosed for most mental health disorders.  There's a list of generalized symptoms and if you have enough of them, you get the label.  The problem is, many of those traits will overlap for different disorders.  Also, what's just a temporary thing versus an actual pattern/trait?

My BPD child has been diagnosed with bipolar and recently autism.  Are all three correct?  Who knows.  It does make me wonder though if the diagnoses are even helpful in the grand scheme of things.

So in a one-year relationship, he:

- Lied to you many times
- Lied about you to others
- Cheated on you (many times)
- Was hospitalized for mental issues
- Found a new love (in an old flame)
- Lied to her about you
- Lied to you about her
- Showed no remorse or appreciation
- Avoided you after helping him

That list is just from two of your posts, so I'm guessing it's only a small snapshot of the full picture.

Going back to your first post- what part of that list makes sense to anyone?  It just doesn't.  And it will never make any sense until you add the one thing that all of this revolves around.  He's sick.  He's mentally ill.  He means well but self-sabotages every relationship in his life.  Then he runs before he can get hurt.  But it still hurts, so he jumps head-first into another relationship right away.

This is the story of a BPDs life.  It's the same toxic, abusive cycle.  And its heartbreaking because I'm sure underneath the mental illness, he's a pretty good guy.  But you can't look at one thing without the other- they're a group package that comes together.  That's why his past relationships have failed.  That's why his future relationships will fail.  It's sad but unfortunately, it's the honest truth.  He's sick and he's the only one that can help himself.

You are not crazy and this is not your fault.  There's nothing you can do right now to "fix this."  

I will give a piece of advice though; his current relationship will also fail and he'll be looking for someone to quickly replace her with.  He might come back and say all the right things, do all the right stuff, and you'll think that it's true love destiny that you're together forever.  But the same cycle will repeat once again, just like it always has in his life.  You'll have a whole new list like the one above.

Right now, your focus should be on healing from this relationship and finding your way forward.  It doesn't make sense right now because this comes in stages, but I'm telling you now where you'll eventually end up- he's mentally ill and none of this was personal.  He does the best he can while fighting mental illness and it causes chaos in all his close relationships.  That's not your fault and in some ways, it's not his either.  Again, he's sick.

I hope that helps!

I think at this point,  I just feel so confused. I have no idea who or what to trust. I do believe he loved me. I know i loved him. I think I want to believe that he would be receptive because he seemed to have serious moments of clarity in the past. It just feels like everything got so insane for a minute there. I am in therapy and have been going to support groups. Just,  at the end of the day, he is still the one I want to talk to about all of it. And due to the relationship, I have cut many people out of my life in order to help cut down his triggers. So I'm feeling especially isolated. Many of the friends I do still have don't really seem to understand it. They tend to make me feel worse. Reading posts on this site have helped me a lot so that is why I am here now.

Me too.  Sometimes I feel like a doormat and it drives me crazy. Recently, I lost it and texted her that what she was saying was  BS.   It felt good for a minute and then bad when she reacted and I felt like maybe I should apologize.  (I didn't apologize.  It was BS.)  Probably didn't make much difference one way or the other. 

Hi wannabeamomma,

Sorry no I havent heard of anyone posting about DID. I wonder how the therapist came up with this diagnosis as from my limited understanding DID and Bpd are quite different and surely it would have  been something you would have picked up on by now.

You are right. Also, if I were to react I don’t want to deal with the fallout. She is meaner than I’ve ever been and has more energy than I do. Based on things she’s already done to me and other people tell me loud and clear that reacting a) isn’t worth it and b) threatens my safety. She’s already proven she’s willing to cross the line whereas I’m definitely not.

It’s just frustrating that I have no voice in the old typical way - reacting. I DO have a voice in that I have the ability to keep myself and my household safe from her without reacting in a way I might have years ago. I still just find it difficult to sit by while she lies on the internet and to people we both know. I’ve been doing just that for years now but it still aggravates me.