We all struggle with these relationships and we all fall short from time to time.  You're learning to adapt, set expectations, and implement boundaries that make your life more balanced and fulfilling.  Please remember that; this is about you, not someone else.

With that said, if you want to message...then message.  Just do so with the expectation that you're not going to get a reply or even worse, you're going to get scorn because your message was taken the wrong way.  Why would I tell you to send a message under those terms?  Go back to the first paragraph and really let it sink in.

There will be times when things are great, conversation is productive and you feel like everything is just fine now.  Those are wonderful times.  Just remember with mental illness, those periods of time come and go like a swinging pendulum on a clock.  You accept the good and let go of the bad, because it's never actually about you when you're dealing with someone with mental illness.  It's about their unstable feelings and emotions, so you can't take it personally.

That's why the first paragraph is everything- this is about you, not him.  Make it about you and when he's disordered, realize that it's something you can't fix because it's all about him.  The insulting words are his way of expressing pain and blaming the world for what he can't deal with.  That's okay.  Let him figure it out while you focus on what's best for you.

Hey friends.  Remember that this is the "Bettering" forum and the advice should focus on restoring the relationship since that's the member's intent.  I understand that he's opened up about staying or leaving, but our goal is to meet him where he's at regardless and offer peer support.

In terms of rock bottom, that can often come from situations exactly like this one.  This is a great time to work on both boundaries and affirmation, which are tools that serve us well regardless if the relationship suceeds or fails.

I've never really posted in a forum before, so excuse if my thoughts are a bit scattered.

My daughter began showing BPD traits over a year ago. She is currently 15. In the beginning, every medical professional we met with diagnosed her with bipolar disorder. She began therapy and medications immediately. After a year of changing therapy, changing medications (many times) and a PHP program, I had to make the choice and send her to a residential treatment facility. She spent 60 days there. During that time the on call psychiatrist agreed that she was misdiagnosed and was not bipolar, but had BPD. She would not formally diagnosis her because of her age. Fast forward to today and she is currently doing and IOP program and I have been told the same thing, "We agree she has BPD but we won't label her at this age". Unfortunatly the IOP is not working and it looks as though she will need to go back into residential treatment.

My question is, are there any parents whose children have been given this diagnosis during the teen years (or younger) and did it make any difference in the treatment they received? Nothing seems to be helping her and I don't know if medical personal would take a different approach if she were properly diagnosed.

I just feel like my child is a completely different person these days.  And it happened what seems like overnight.

All the above in my last post is true and still I can feel off balance and in fear not long after posting all that. I just looked at a FB post from my swubpd. He has been lifting heavy weights at the gym and today was day six for him. He mostly takes a picture of the kind of weight and lift and plays a song with it. I know that working out helps him a lot. Today's song had lyrics about the devil in his head, being no good, asking God to make them stop, life doesn't seem worth living with the devil in his head.
I feel the urge text him later - the urge to stop watching his posts because this one hurts. Maybe guys listen to this kind of stuff,  maybe I'm overreacting and need to center myself. I hate his painful struggle, I hate my thinking about it, I hate that his choices as an adult are sometimes painful choices.

Thank you guys,  your input and shared experience  helps me to keep walking forward.  I don't rehash all the times he was in anguish or ranting how he hates me but I'm all that he has. I don't replay the ways he's painted me black. I'm believing in myself more . Knowing other good loving people go through these struggles helps me to accept my son has a painful illness and it's not my fault. I'm beginning to see more clearly. 
Many years ago I was married to a pwbpd. There was abuse on every level in our marriage.  I believed I deserved it,that I was the cause.... I believed his "words". ( My Dad was mentally ill - so my self-esteem was pretty non existent when I married ) Anyway,  I got healthy by being in rooms with other women like myself.  Some further along in healing. They helped me then as you all are here. For me therapy alone isn't enough.  It's about others who've walked this road saying here's the way through and out. 

If your son follows through with promises, be content.  But always keep in mind not to expect too much or else your hopes disappoint you if/when they fail into unrealistic hopium.

One general but practical boundary is to exit a conversation when it starts spiraling out of control.  Hopefully, over time he will come to expect you to say, "Son, I'm hanging up.  We can talk later when it's a better time for you."  Or, if "calmer" is a trigger for him, then a calming phrase that works for you and your son.

The main "rule" in my family was "don't upset mother", so we all walked on eggshells. However, this led me to believe I was to blame for things that weren't my doing, such as the issues at home. I actually believed that when I went to college, things would be "normal" at home.

Your D is also learning that "don't upset BPD mother" is the way to avoid repurcussions but for her, it can be more of an adaptation to her situation rather than to adopt a false belief about herself, as you can validate that for her.

Some good nuggets of wisdom here.


And what would hitting bottom be like for her?  Have you ever skipped a flat stone across a pond?  Did you notice how many times it seemed to hit bottom but just kept skipping?  Similarly, what appears to be a bottom now may just turn out to be one of many bottoms.  It's impossible to predict when she might begin and stick with real recovery, if ever.


Listen to your head.  In time your heart will catch up.

This is where you are doing something different for her than what I experienced. I don't blame my father for doing what he knew to do at the time. He was juggling multiple responsibilities- providing all the finances in the family, having to work, and keeping my mother from escalating. Trying to reason with her didn't work, but he could reason with us. Basically, we were more controllable and not going to react like she did. That doesn't mean it was OK to do that, but in a crisis, it was like trying to tame down the drama in any way possible.


You have taken a different course of action. I agree that you don't want to speak poorly to your D about her mother. However, you can be a source of validation for her, for her own sense of reality, as you are doing. If she brings up questions about mental illness, you can encourage her to seek counseling to explain that to her. Student health counseling on college campuses is a good resource for college students when she's there.

You asked what I would do; I'd throw some money at it to make the aggravation go away, and get back the truck that means something to you. Then do what you'd like to do with it-- gift the kids or whatever to remove the emotional cost to you that your ex has a hand in. She's someone else's problem now.