That easily could have been a viral TikTok video.  If you only knew...

I understand. Your D is already aware that sometimes intervening makes the situation worse.

She may not wish to speak to someone at her school. These are social ties for her and her mother. I didn't want people I knew to know about my mother. I felt there was some shame attached to that- not true, it wasn't my fault, but people who knew her tended to not believe us, and think we were being disrespectful. Also, discussing BPD mother to anyone outside the family was considered to be a serious transgression for my parents. A private counselor was the only safe option.

One thing that is different with your D is that- you can also provide some time away from her mother and while you won't triangulate, you are a safer person to speak to. You may feel badly that your D is in this situation, while you were able to not have to live with her mother. I can assure you that staying together didn't prevent us kids from experiencing BPD mother's behavior.

We kids later found ourselves in a similar situation with my father in his elder years over BPD mother's behavior. If we intervened on his behalf, BPD mother would escalate. It would be worse for all involved.

What you can do is be a safe person for your D to talk to, validate her feelings, encourage her taking steps to get to college- out of the house and be of support (financial, emotional, academic- to the best you can do this)  for her while she attains her independence. Once she has this then she can choose the extent of her relationship with her mother.

Yes, anger w. objects seem to be a common BPD trait. Malfunctoning items cause fits of rage. The demands that you try and figure it out. If you too have trouble then the anger can switch to you, a more satisfing target. How many times has anger w. an object turned into "Typical! You're of no help!" and insulting tiraeds directed at you. The problem w. the object quickly forgotten in turn for all of my falts.100s of times perhaps in my life.


This.

you are right, its was about 5% my fault

There's not much we can do in that regard.  When I say her mom moved to a rural area, think: literally surrounded by farmland.  Her home is ~15-20 mins from the nearest freeway exit, and about the same distance to the local "downtown."  

On top of that, her mom is incredibly paranoid; when I try to broach topics or get more involved in activities, she starts questioning my motivation, refuses to provide information, and does everything she can to make it difficult.  So I mostly have stuck to the decree to handle things, and parallel parent.  I can't call her and discuss a concern, and while we occasionally do agree on switching some things, it's only in situations where it doesn't affect anything she wants to do.

help me not mess it up this time


Of course you will notice some similarities.  However, it's more likely that your returning ex would be the one to "mess it up" ... again.

Flip your binoculars around for a moment.  Look through the other end.  Although you can see ways where you could have done better, was your relationship's failure ALL your fault?  Somehow, we strongly doubt that.

If you currently have less than a typical non-primary parent's parenting schedule (less than the usual "alternate weekends plus an evening or overnight in between") then seeking to flip the longstanding order may to too much at once.  How so?

I recall how shocked I was when my divorce lawyer told me that courts usually didn't make big changes to orders since too big a change might "shock" the child.  I almost felt like shouting, "What if not making a big change is shocking the child?"

That's why I've since had the impression that courts prefer to make smaller adjustments... so they can stop once the changes resolve the issues at hand.

For example, I kept going back to court every 2-3 years because issues never resolved.  I started with alternate weekends in the temp order, moved up to equal time/custody in the final decree, moved up to full guardianship a couple years later, finally moved up to majority time a few years after that.  He was almost 4 years old when we separated, he was still 11 years old when we finally had an order that "worked".

So my thought is that if you don't have the common non-primary parent schedule as mentioned in the first paragraph, that that "incremental" upgrade may be considered reasonable by the court.  It is normal for children to have alternate weekends with each parent.

Also, if you're not getting the usual alternate holidays and two to three weeks vacation with the kids each year then that also is something reasonable to get fixed.

Hi there,

Regarding the school counselor, they are legally mandated reporters.  In other words, they have to break confidentiality if they suspect abuse or imminent danger.  I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know if the source of the complaint is relevant, but it seems to me that there would be a difference between a child feeling scared/unsafe, vs. a potentially disgruntled parent tattling on an ex.  Now, every counselor is different, and they might exercise discretion when determining if something is "reportable," and decide to do the paperwork, too.  But my guess is that if your daughter went with her concerns about drunk driving, and then maybe followed up with other concerns, the counselor would have "enough" to report, and that could launch a CPS investigation.  From there, it's hard to say if CPS will find the homelife to be abusive or dangerous.  I can say that in my extended family, CPS came to that determination, but only after the second CPS investigation, because the disordered parent was a huge manipulator and consummate liar.  I guess that's why this site recommends to document, document, document, to establish patterns of abuse/danger/not acting for the welfare of the child.

I also agree with Notwendy about kids not wanting to completely cut out a parent from their life.  I think most children crave having a relationship with both parents--but in a set-up that protects their safety and development.  In my extended family, that means that kids live with mom, but they visit with their disordered dad while supervised by another adult (Grandma), and they don't stay overnight or drive with their dad (alone) anymore, because he cannot guarantee their safety.  He barely has the energy for a days-long visit as it is.  They do better with controlled contact, say dinner together at a restaurant.  That's about all their dad can handle.  But that's better than no relationship whatsoever, or the kids staying in his pig-sty home with no food, or letting him drive, drunken-like, falling asleep at the wheel, half blind from self-inflicted, untreated diabetes and kidney disease.

Notwendy makes a good point about getting excited about college.  I know that after visiting a couple of campuses in my teens, I was super-excited and motivated by the prospect of going to college and living on campus.  You know how scheduling a vacation in your calendar can lift your spirits, before you're even close to packing?  I think the same phenomenon happens with dreaming about college, because it's a beacon, a reminder that this period of living in a disordered household with mom has an expiration date.  It's not about severing the relationship with her, but more about feeling liberated and getting a chance to live in peace, if not now, then in a few short months or years.  By the same token, I think I mentioned here or on another thread, the benefits of facilitating for your daughter some opportunities to enrich her life outside of her mom's home/orbit:  summer camps, summer jobs, extracurriculars, a week living at a cousin's house, an internship, volunteer work, whatever.  These opportunities not only help her develop her sense of self, but also give her a break from the maternal chaos and a chance to experience what more "normal" life looks like.  I know that transportation can be an issue, but when I was a tween/young teen, what I did was carpool and take public transportation.  Maybe find a friend with a driver's license and do something with the friend, and help pay for gas in return.  Or find a friend with a parent who is willing and able to drive around, and pay for gas in return.  That sort of arrangement can work wonders.

Yes, I found that any logical discussion with BPD mother about something she had let to an escalation. There's no way to know what emotional thinking is going on or what her reasons are.

For me, I had to consider everything she owned as off limits. Not for discussion at all.

I think a lot of this was about her feeling in control. We knew to not touch or go into any of her things. When we helped her move to assisted living, I wanted to salvage any sentimental items out of her house that could not go with her in the move. I even felt fearful doing this as before she'd have escalated if we even tried. I found things like family photos that I had never seen before. Even if she wanted to keep then, we would have appreciated seeing them.

The sad aspect of this is that- these are the things that build connections. It's not only about the possession. Gifting or selling the truck to your D- who is clearly not spoiled and responsible- would have been a positive connection. Gifting the inexpensive item to her grandchild could have been a positive interaction for my BPD mother too. But instead for her, these situations somehow felt like threats, someone taking something away from her- and while the possession might change hands, the emotional connection for all would be a gain.

Your ex (and my mother) can either build a relationship with her D or not, and perhaps this is the best she can do.

I realize your D isn't ready to go to college but I was thinking about it before I could go, and looking forward to being there, even though it took some time before I could be completely independent. (like most college students).

Costs were a concern but a state college was an affordable option, and had dorms.

When the time comes, you can sit down with your D and look at her options. I think many kids look for their "dream school"- some which are generous with financial aid, but a less costly state school also has dorms. It doesn't need to be very far away but far enough for your D to have some autonomy and independence.

Knowing college was the plan helped, because I knew there would be that situation in the plans. It also provided a "normal" situation, one that would not have upset BPD mother.