Hi BCGuy and welcome to the family. 

You mentioned that you broke up five months ago, but her actions since then haven't been typical.  Can you explain what you mean by that?

For many BPDs, there's a push/pull dynamic of them sabotaging the relationship, telling their partners to leave, then acting perplexed or becoming enraged when they actually do leave.  That's because the goal was never to get you to leave, it was to vent their frustrations and have you fight for them.

I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's the crux of the mental illness.

Look at it this way; you think the relationship is doomed.  We're giving you a place to start that can prove yourself wrong.  So you communicate a different way, validate her feelings/needs, but also tie in the reality of what needs to happen for her to have everything she wants.

If you're successful and she is willing, it saves the relationship and turns it arounds.  If you fail, then you haven't lose anything because you're confirming that it's doomed.  At least this way, you're giving it a fair chance and trying to help her see reason at the same time.

I wish you luck, my friend!

Also to add- we kids were not the only "blame". Sometimes it was my father's work, she'd say things like he is stressed from work, or something else. When he retired, she also couldn't blame his job. Still, it was projection, and retirement also was a change in that.

I might be able to add some insight to this situation. My BPD mother would read pop psychology books and quote from them to us- labelling us with whatever she was reading at the time. This was before social media. She didn't become proficient on the computer, or phone, so when it was available she didn't get into it. She was an avid reader- reading all kinds of books.

When we kids grew and left home- it was only my parents at home. Children require parental focus and also bring perspective into the home. Teens can be challenging too at times. We were pretty good kids- didn't do anything really bad, but if we were challenging, we were also another person in the home for BPD mother to "blame" for whatever. Dad's focus was on BPD mother and also on parenting. Once we were out of the house, this focus for my parents changed.

My father still had his career and so this also provided an external focal point. BPD mother didn't work outside the home, and also didn't have many other interests. I think we kids still "provided" some reason to "blame"- as being in college is a sort of "in between" childhood and full adult hood but less than when we were teens.

After my father retired, he was home more, and more available for the projections. We kids were fully grown, and less of a reason for BPD mother to be projecting on us. My father had enabling behavior- and also was emotionally caretaking BPD mother. With him more available, she turned to him more.

PwBPD have difficulty managing their uncomfortable feelings. Projection is one way to cope. I don't think this is as much of a change in your wife as it is a change in your availability to her, now that you are retired. It's also been a change in your coping- because going to work is away from the dynamic and interacting with other people. Going to work is a solid excuse to be gone, while other activities may be more negotiable. Retirement is also an adjustment for many couples. Now there's less of a schedule and the two of you are in the same space more often.

My father did keep a routine where he was out of the house at times. He took walks for exercise. He did go out for coffee/lunch sometimes on his own. My mother's emotional needs were high. She was a very anxious person. Her preference was to have someone with her all the time as an emotional caretaker but to be in this position is emotionally taxing.

Your wife isn't going to change her emotional thinking. What can change is your availability to her as her emotional "target" for her feelings. Even if she didn't have BPD but you were a caregiver for someone with physical needs,  you would need some time for yourself. Whether it's getting exercise, a hobby, going back to work part time- do something that meets your emotional needs.  It may be a struggle but self care is important.

Hi IndoorGardener and welcome to the BPD family!


Is the doctor who prescribed the mood stabilizer aware of BPD? I'm asking because there are a few medications that are discouraged for BPD patients, such as benzodiazepines. And there is no drug that's approved to treat BPD itself.

It seems like he hasn't been diagnosed yet. My wife was recently diagnosed, and that helps a lot. But it takes a very good therapist with whom the patient has a high level of synergy/connection. The patient must seek the diagnosis spontaneously.

Hello, I was broken up with 5 months ago. It had been rocky for the last 6 months prior and every time I tried to leave my ex (quiet bpd fa attachment) would lose there mind and I would be guilted or had the kids used against me so I'd come back. The final time she broke up with me I accepted it. It hurt yes but I had to accept it for my own mental well-being and worth. Her actions since have not been typical of what someone who wants to leave someone actually portrays if the person they left accepts being dumped and moves on. Looking for some overall guidance to help with my feelings and the situation.

I think you are confusing the act of "agreeing with the accusation" with being an enabler. It's not the same thing when you are not doing it out of fear.

I'm suggesting it because it works.

My wife was constantly accusing me of controlling her and having bouts of anger because of that. She was also accusing me of being a narcissist because of my boundaries and of being a robot psychopath because of my emotional unshakeability. Even without me trying to argue against those labels, she knew that I wasn't agreeing, so she became increasingly invested in "forcing me to accept the label." As you see, it's very similar to the OP's problem.

Sometimes I tried to explain something I said, which she got wrong, but I didn't actually try to argue about the labels. Still, her campaign was getting stronger day by day.

That was until I began to agree. That was a few weeks ago. Now she hardly ever uses those labels anymore and doesn't expend energy on that. She still gets triggered by misinterpreting stuff and calling herself controlled but doesn't take it to the next level trying to convince me.

That's not a cure by any means, but it's resolving that specific aspect. In my view, the victimhood of a person with BPD has the intent of expressing what they felt in their childhood. And that's why being part of a theater can be very beneficial for them. I have participated in many message boards where people with BPD post, and some of them do express that theater has helped them a lot.

Also, I have had very extensive life experience, so I know a lot about the victimhood mentality. And by the way, I don't think I'm doing anything that is detrimental for them in the long term, because in such a case, I would have been dumped at some point. But I never got "dished" by any of my romantic partners. All of them kept trying to pull me back years after the relationship ended.

@Pook075

Thank you for the warm welcome and the blunt assessment. You hit the nail on the head regarding my own passivity. Here are the answers to your questions:
1. Regarding the house: Yes, I live here with her. It is my parents' secondary home. They do not live with us. It is a privilege she enjoys while simultaneously resenting the source of that privilege. The irony of hating the hand that shelters you is not lost on me.
2. Regarding the manipulation: I am beginning to see the 'pregnancy clock' for what it is: a tactical weapon to anchor me in this chaos before I can build my own fortress.
3. Regarding the 'Challenge': Your suggestion to give her exactly what she claims to want is powerful. If she hates the 'system' provided by my parents, then she must be prepared to exist outside of it. I plan to present this choice clearly: we either cultivate respect for the life we are gifted, or we find a way to fund an independent one.
4. Regarding my inaction: You are right. My silence has been a form of enabling. I’ve mistaken 'stoic endurance' for 'doing nothing.' I’ve allowed the rants to continue because I was trying to avoid the 'splash' of her disorder. But by doing so, I’ve let the house flood.
I will take your advice. I am done arguing. From now on, I am setting the parameters. If she wants a child, she needs to show me a partner who is capable of a 50/50 contribution—financially and domestically. If she wants to attack my parents, she can do so from a rental apartment she pays for herself.
The narratives are changing today. I appreciate the push to establish healthy boundaries before declaring the relationship doomed, though the 'doomed' part feels more like a mathematical certainty every day.
Thanks for the reality check.

@CC43

To address your questions directly: No, I have no desire to bring a child into an environment characterized by financial instability and emotional volatility. I recognize that the 'victim mindset' and the 'walking on eggshells' dynamic you described have become the default state of my household.
The lack of commitment to intensive therapy on her part is indeed the primary obstacle. I have come to realize that my attempt to mitigate her BPD symptoms through patience and financial support has been counter-productive, serving only to enable the disordered patterns rather than resolve them.
I am currently re-evaluating the long-term viability of this relationship. I agree that the introduction of a child under these circumstances would be an act of profound irresponsibility. I intend to prioritize my own mental clarity and the protection of my family’s assets moving forward.
Thank you for providing this necessary perspective on the 'pattern' of the disorder."

She's not updating you; she's checking that you're still there and interested so that if she gets sick of her current boyfriends - or they get sick of her - she can turn back to you.

BPD's can't be alone so they need a current partner plus plenty of people 'on the sub's bench' who are available if she finds herself alone again.  Once you respond she knows you're still interested so she doesn't reply.. until her insecurity makes her contact you again and you reply. It's a merry-go-round that you need to step off, temptimg as it is to engage.

She's been away a year and now suddenly seeks contact - big red flag. Always go by what a BPD does, not what they say.  If you're now managing your life well and recovering from the stress of a BPD partner do you want to jump back into the chaos again, knowing that it's a repetitive pattern that will never change?

Best wishes.

Hi Js, all good questions!

My BPD daughter is 26 and at times, she'd call for money every single day of the week.  And sometimes it was pure manipulation- hey dad, can I come over and cook you dinner?  We haven't spent time together for awhile.  And if I said yes, she'd ask for gas money and grocery money.  It was always a setup of some sort.

When I finally cut her off, there was some anger and resentment at first, but in time our relationship actually changed.  Like you, if she called in terrible mental shape I'd suggest an ambulance or an in-house stay somewhere, which she'd refuse as she started to panic even more.  She couldn't miss work, who would feed her pet, etc.  But I stayed consistent and I no longer get those calls, they go to her mom or sister instead.

Why?  Because she doesn't actually want the help or to make change, she wants to rant and have people feel sorry for her.  And I get that, we all have bad days and want to vent sometimes.  There's nothing wrong with that.

My point here is that I stopped being her bank and her emotional outlet for high drama, so our relationship changed because she didn't receive what she was looking for anymore.  Now our conversations are pretty darn normal, although she'll still call me at strange times for random things that didn't require a call.  Still, our relationship is good and she never asks me for money anymore.

However, I will still help her financially at times...a few hundred here or there...but only because it's not expected and I do that for my other kid as well.  Once the entitlement and demands are out of the way, I don't mind helping at all if I have the extra money.  It has to be my choice though and it can't be because of a conversation about how the entire world will end if I don't send $14 for Taco Bell right now.

I don't know if that helps you or not.  Your son calls you though because he gets the reaction he's looking for to fill his emotional needs.

For money related stuff, I'll flat out say I don't have any extra and you're going to have to start budgeting better to make ends meet.  My kid still blows through her paycheck in mere hours of getting paid (sometimes paying bills, sometimes not), as we all know you can't live that way.  I won't be mean about it, but that's my standard line of response and I don't get asked for money anymore.