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Hi there,
I think you're asking many of the right questions here. Though I haven't been in your situation, someone very close to me has, and I understand how trying and painful it can be. Here are some ideas for you.
"I’m doing my best to stay calm, document everything, communicate through appropriate channels, and keep my home emotionally safe and consistent. I don’t speak negatively about his mother to him. I try to validate his feelings without putting adult issues on him."
Yes, yes, yes. I think a consistently loving, stable and caring environment is critical for your child. Not speaking negatively about the other parent is also important. Even if the other parent is disordered, your kid probably still wants to love her, and be loved by her. You don't want to get in the way of that. You want your kid to be a kid, and not be concerned about adult issues, let alone acrimony and fighting.
"I’m also moving through the court process now, and I’m wondering if anyone here has actually gotten to the other side of this."
Yes, but it took a few years and came at a high legal cost, because the disordered parent was uncooperative, lied to the court and was also able to "pull themselves together" when interviewed by CPS.
"Did court help create stability?"
Yes, eventually, because visitation time with the disordered parent was reduced and subject to conditions (e.g. supervised visits only, no driving the kids), because the disordered parent was severely dysfunctional, even though he tried to hide it from CPS. Before the divorce, his ex over-functioned for him, but without that support, he spiralled.
"Did having orders, structured custody, parenting apps, reunification therapy, custody evaluations, parenting coordinators, or other safeguards actually make a difference?"
Yes, eventually. The parenting apps help with legal documentation (keeping a record of visitation dates, child events, medical care, etc.). In theory, communication about childcare was supposed to happen over the apps and be limited to logistics only. In practice, however, the disordered parent didn't comply--he did not input any information and generally did not consult the app for logistical details. Instead, he tended to communicate directly with his ex, usually via nasty texts, and he'd miss child events on a regular basis. This was hard on the kids because when they were with dad, they typically missed out on their soccer practices, cub scout outings or other events important to them, because dad couldn't/wouldn't execute. Note that dad was unemployed and didn't have anything else to do on visitation days, yet despite his free time, he just couldn't execute on visitation very well. He probably skipped a third to half of visitation with no notice. Imagine how that made the kids feel.
CPS was involved during two separate cycles to evaluate custody, and ultimately recommended restrictions on custody time for the disordered parent. I think courts are unlikely to rule against the recommendations of a CPS expert who did the work and wrote up a detailed report. Since the court ruled that parenting time with the disordered parent must be supervised (e.g. by Grandma), the children are much better cared for these days.
"How did your child eventually come through the FOG?"
Today, the two girls are sick of their dad; they barely tolerate him. The son (same sex as the disordered parent) is very conflicted. He wants to love his dad, but he has a hard time accepting that his dad is so low functioning and mean most of the time.
"Were they able to see reality over time without you having to “prove” everything to them?"
Absolutely, though it's really hard on them because they want to love and be loved by their dad.
"How did you maintain your bond when the other parent was working against it?"
Just like you're doing, through a loving, stable home. Also, healthy rules are in place (e.g. bedtimes, homework, age-appropriate chores, meals shared together as a family, responsibility for keeping rooms tidy, limits on screen time, one-on-one time, etc.), because kids need a healthy structure, routine and connection, ESPECIALLY when life with the disordered parent is the opposite.
It's true that after any visitation with disordered dad, the kids tend to be out-of-sorts for a day or two. It's partly because of the rupture with normal routines, but also because of big emotions in dealing with dad (e.g. criticisms, insults, general disappointment, lots of stress). But I think after a brief re-adjustment period, the kids get back to normal.
"What helped your child feel safe loving both parents, even if the other parent made that hard?"
This is a tough one, because the disordered dad is very mean and selfish. Mom explains to the kids that deep down dad loves them, but he's just not feeling well right now, and since he's not well, he can't show them how much he loves them.
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I'll wrap up with another piece of advice. If your ex is disordered, dysfunctional and unreliable, any custody arrangement and divorce decree should assume non-compliance on her part. In other words, wherever possible, there should be a plan of action if and when your ex doesn't comply. Here's an example: in a "normal" co-parenting arrangement based on fairness, kids might be dropped off/picked up at a neutral location halfway between residences. That sounds fair and reasonable, right? But it might not be if one parent is disordered and unreliable. In practice, that looks like driving to a parking lot and then waiting 30, 45 minutes, wondering if the disordered parent is going to come pick up the kids. Turning around after waiting 45 minutes might look like "interfering with parenting time." Meanwhile, the kids are starving, increasingly grumpy and let down when the disordered parent is terribly late or a no-show. I think "fairness" needs to take the child's needs and parental non-performance into consideration. A "fairer" arrangement for the child might be, the disordered parent picks up the kids at your home, and if they are 15 or more minutes late, they forfeit the parenting time. Or maybe, the disordered parent picks up the child after school, but if she's a no-show, the child takes the bus home to you as usual, and the parenting time is forfeited. In other words, you need to factor in non-compliance contingencies.
Hope that helps a little.
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