NotWendy,  CC43, and Pook075,
Each of your posts are helpful to me.  You don't sugarcoat and you speak truth from experience.  Yes, my son needs to care more about not being homeless, managing his bills and taking care of his mental health than I do. Obviously as I have cared more - he didn't have to.  I appreciate the rays of hope in some of your situations. I understand each person is different. Yes, my younger son deserves not having to worry about my later years.
My son's dad has bpd and I believe npd. My dad had bpd. I have a lifetime of ingrained ways of accepting unacceptable behavior and caretaking to feel safe. I am just lately learning about this illness and how to take care of myself around it. Your wisdom and honest feedback mean a lot. 

Thanks to everyone for the great advice 

I went through this same scenario with my BPD daughter a few years ago.  She was furious at me, but I told her plainly that I was out of money and had no way to help anymore.

That doesn't mean my bank account was at zero so maybe some of you would say I lied.  But the simple truth was that I was taking on extra side-jobs to cover my kid's reckless spending habits...and I was still tight paying my own bills at times.  I had wiped out savings and it just wasn't going to stop regardless, so I was actually 100% truthful.  I really couldn't afford it anymore and I couldn't afford it years earlier either.

When I told my daughter, she started screaming at me over the phone.  I didn't love her, I was always so selfish, etc.  Then she hung up on me as I told her that I was cancelling her cell phone bill and car insurance.

Yet a funny thing happened.  Within the hour, she was with a new cell carrier and had insurance on her own.  She didn't tell me that, of course, but she told every other family member how terrible I was and to make sure I knew that she didn't need my money any longer.

And I thought, huh, she thinks she's teaching me a lesson.  Okay,whatever...at least she finally got it.

My point is, if I didn't cut her off that day, I'd probably still be paying her bills.  But at the same time, if I had cut her off years eaelier, I'd still have some savings and her bills probably would have been paid just the same.  It was actually my own fault for thinking that she couldn't survive without my money.

Maybe your son does lose his apartment.  But if he can't afford it, then it's better off for him to lose it.  Let him learn that lesson and figure out basic finance.  That may sound cold, but it's honestly a kindness.  My kid now has an apartment and pays all of her own bills, including a new car payment.  The long-term payoff of them growing up far outweighs some temporary anger that you receive frequently anyway.

hi guys, thanks for all the comments and advice. Im aware that I tool a legal risk, but I couldn't go 3 months without letting her know I cared. I think the fact there was a change in the profile picture must have meant something.

one thing o do worry about is that she hates me and did it to hurt me. she has been mutualising with guys on social media and she knew thats something that hurt me during therapy relationship.

im aware changed need to be made. I need to change also and be able to handle the swings better.

she is younger but she isn't the partying type and I do believe she wants to settle.

im aware there won't be any contact now until the restrictions lift. but I had to let her know she wasnt abandoned

Hi Mom,

I wasn't aware you had a younger son.  I actually think that might help your situation.  I too have a BPD stepchild, but I also have other stepchildren.  They are affected by BPD in the family system too.

If you have a hard time holding your boundary for yourself, think of it as holding the boundary for your other son.  He deserves to have a mom who takes care of herself.  A marvelous gift you can give him is to provide for your own retirement.  Because if you spend all your money on your BPD son, my guess is that you'll continue to enable his overspending.  Since he's in his 40s (correct?), he's used to you bailing him out, and he hasn't learned to budget yet.  Maybe you could afford to bail him out when you were working, but now you're retired, and you MUST STOP.  If you don't, what will happen?  A likely scenario is that your non-BPD son will have to bail YOU out.  And you don't want to do that to him, do you?  If you don't save yourself for you, then do it for him!

I've discussed with my husband a few times how we have (over) committed our money, time and emotional energy to caretaking the BPD child.  But she's now an adult.  I've said to him, if we're not careful, his other children will resent us for potentially wasting so much of our resources on the troubled child, while "ignoring" the non-troubled children.  I've emphasized many times that the non-disordered adult children also deserve our attention.  In fact, we've gone out of our way to support them too, out of fairness.  I hope they appreciate that.  But by the same token, I think they'd be justified in feeling resentment for their sister, as well as for all the resources we devoted to her BPD.  We have given her many, many opportunities to get help, to grow up, to reduce her stress levels, to make things financially easy for her, to facilitate various living situations for her.  At some point--I'd say NOW--she's not a dependent kid anymore, and she should face the consequences of her own decisions.

Look, last summer, my BPD stepdaughter wanted a vacation and plastic surgery, instead of working and living independently.  She probably mistakenly thought that she could live with her dad and me indefinitely, without working or contributing anything, as she had as a child.  That's just not real life, and she made us miserable.  So she had to leave.  She HAS TO feel the pressure of making rent and buying her own food in order to choose to work.  Since she's under that pressure now, she's working now.  And that is a gigantic improvement, as well as a boost to her self-confidence.  But for her to get there, we needed to enforce a boundary (basically, freeloading not allowed in our house)--and she was asked to leave.  I'm sure she thinks of it as being "kicked out," but reality is that she didn't hold up her end of the bargain, and she faced the consequences.  That's the "real world."  Only in "bizarro world" are financial mismanagement and raging outbursts met with "free money," "free housing" and/or rescuing by you.  But now you need to save yourself.  My guess is that your BPD son will surprise you, if you let him fend for himself.  Let him do that, and save yourself and your non-BPD son in the process as well.

This in my opinion sounds like some NPD mixed with BPD--trying to sabotage and belittle you, using humiliation to exert control and try to protect her fragile ego.  I've seen how pwNPD lack empathy for others and seem to delight in trying to humiliate.  Even so, this verges on sadistic in my opinion.  Oh the lies they'll use to blame you for everything.  Hence the emphasis on documentation, because her lies (and vindictiveness) know no limits.

If the artwork is too triggering to you, maybe you could pack it up and save it for your kids, or maybe you could give it to somebody in your family who would appreciate it, or sell it outright.  I'd say, don't be afraid to get rid of things that are triggering to you.  I've noticed that when I've held onto old furniture, broken things, a picture I don't like . . . the negative vibe seems to nag at me, at a subconscious level.  The same goes for clothes that don't seem to fit anymore, on me, in my life or in my closet.  I'm not saying that everything has to be perfect and to your liking in your new home--that's probably not realistic.  But I think it's OK, even beneficial, to get rid of things that don't "fit" your life anymore, or which have a negative aura.  Try to choose things that "spark joy" in your life, to borrow from Marie Kondo.  Everything else is just stuff, potentially clutter.

Forever Dad- you are looking at this ban as a consequence for her and you are correct- it compromises that.

Another aspect is that, it compromises her if she does reply. She's the one who risks the consequences of reaching out.

The "what's app" secret contact idea- this puts her in the position of violating the NC order. It's asking her to break the order by indirectly communicating with you that she wants to take your call. However, she's the one taking the risk if she does.

One explanation for doing this halfway may be that she started to change the picture but actually stopped herself- because if she did change it and you called her, she'd be the one in violation and it would make sense she wouldn't want that.

It may be hard on you to wait out the restriction, but for her sake, it's best to reach out when she won't face consequences for replying. Then, she can safely reply if she chooses to.

Your son is a grown man. He needs to care more about being homeless than you care. 

And you and your H need to protect your own financial well being, because, your son doesn't seem to be concerned about compromising you two.

With BPD mother's situation, I got an early education on elder care resources, Medicaid, Medicare,  etc. There are big gaps in elder care coverage. Some types of help are self pay and very costly. If you have not looked into these resources, what is covered and what isn't, I think it's a good idea- because I think it will emphasize why protecting your own resources is essential.

If you need support in saying no- then work with a therapist and/or CODA sponsor- they can help.

Thanks Zachira,  it helps to give myself grace as I'm learning to set and hold onto boundaries.  I wish there were guarantees to him being safe as I move forward. I know that's my fantasy. It is also my hope.
I have another issue heavy on my heart. My younger non bpd son who lives with him. My younger son has spent most of his life in the fallout and drama of his older brother's actions. I try to keep most conversations about younger son and not his brother when we spend time together. I really feel maybe I need to share about bpd with him, but have been reluctant to. Any thoughts?

Setting healthier boundaries takes practice especially with a close family member. We are never going to be perfect in setting boundaries, yet we can get better with time especially as we see that setting the healthier boundaries is a form of self care. Setting healthier boundaries can sometimes help the disordered person and many times it does not. Certainly having unhealthy boundaries with disordered people does not help them, just sends them a message that they can continue to act badly that there will always be someone to enable them. Admiring your courage and love for your son in setting the boundaries about money. You were affirmative and did your best to not add fuel to the fire, to let your adult son take responsibility for his feelings and actions.

One of the lessons I have learned recently as I continue to be a work in progress, is that the people I continually have to say no to are often disordered people. I now am working on setting the healthier boundaries sooner, distancing myself from these kind of people without giving so many second chances.