I completely understand.  My wife and I had several arguments when we first got together in person because she's such a strong, independent woman who's moved mountains for herself and her son.  The family bonds in the Philippines are so much stronger than the USA as well; family is everything here because you can't survive without them.  So there was a lot of figuring out the cultural differences for both of us and it was an adjustment for sure.

For you, having to do that on top of mental illness problems sounds like such an impossible task.  I'm so sorry you went through all of that.

Think back to when you were a kid and did something you knew your parents would be furious about.  Maybe you stole a piece of candy, or got in a fight at school, or failed a major test.  Whatever.  We all have different memories like that and in our minds back then, it was like the entire world was going to end for us since there was no way past it.

In all of these stories, we eventually told our parents (or they found out another way) and we did get in trouble, but it wasn't the end of the world after all.  Sometimes, we didn't even get in trouble because it truly wasn't our fault.  But our childish minds just couldn't process that sort of thing because we focused on the emotion of getting caught, our parents being so mad at us, etc.  So we just hid the story for as long as possible and walked around carrying that lie that was eating at us.

That's what BPDs do their entire lives, they hide their emotions or they explode because of them.  That great girl that you met, she's really that great girl...but she has decades of trauma that's always just beneath the surface.  And once something happens, he mind goes into that same fight or flight mode we experienced as kids where she just can't get past it.  She's thinking about this massive, unavoidable problem that's not that big of a deal to you or I, we could find ways past it.  But her mind can't, it keeps seeing all the failure and the mistakes and how shameful everything is.

That's why BPDs start random arguments over nothing; they've been fighting something else internally all day and a tiny little thing is suddenly a huge thing that makes them snap.  They can't tell you the truth, so they argue about that other thing instead because they get to release all those emotions.

To you, she threw away six months of great memories.  But to her, she ran from an unsolvable problem...and it was something that you guys could easily solve if she wasn't thinking like a terrified kid who's going to get caught for stealing a cookie from the kitchen. 

That's about as non-technical as I can make it and BPDs do this their entire lives, running from self-created problems and relationships because if you knew how messed up their thoughts are, surely you'd leave them.  They get so upset over the thought of breaking up that they leave you instead to save themselves that pain.  It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy because every relationship is doomed from the start, even when things are going great. 

Truthfully, it's heartbreaking for you and it's heartbreaking for her.  It's heartbreaking for that baby too.  But it all comes back to what I said in the last post- this is not about you, it's about mental illness and continually making the same mistakes in life.  When she gets into that mental state, her reasoning and logic all but shuts off as emotions take over and she's that scared little kid with nowhere to run.  She just doesn't know how to work through the tough stuff in life.

Hmm. PeteWitsend, right now I don't see it that way. For me, seeing uBPDx as unwell is actually helping me to protect myself. I might hate him, I might feel sad about the Dr Jekyll version of him, but ultimately, there is no point bargaining with a disorder. If he's sick, that's very sad for him, but putting distance between myself and the sickness is the right thing to do.

To use an imperfect analogy, you wouldn't get on a cruise ship knowing there was a deadly viral outbreak on board (unless you were a doctor, had appropriate protective gear, etc). Whether the people who have contracted the illness are to blame or totally faultless, is beside the point. You won't help and you'll make things worse for yourself.


Pook, my country of origin is in the same region as the Philippines. It is a different environment where there is much less expectation that external or professional services will intervene to help someone in personal or mental health crisis. Partly because the resources are simply not there for most people, and partly because people's conception of self is much more interdependent and less individualistic than the West.

Apart from the manipulative dynamics, I think this may also have made it harder for me to just detach from uBPDx's many problems and toxic actions. A sense of obligation that made less sense in a modern, Western context where he actually could seek other services and wasn't going to end up on the street if I asked him to leave (and in the end, he showed no such qualms about telling me to leave, so).



NotWendy, you've got it again.

I still feel angry with uBPDx, obviously, but I also feel embarrassed for him. I want him to be 'good', act well, hold his head up, face and fix the things he's done. As if this will prove that I, too, am 'good'. After the boundaries between us were blurred for so long in the relationship, with his repeated assertions that everything he did (whether bad or good) was because 'you made me that way' - I have internalised the idea I am responsible for, well, everything. It's a fantasy of redemption and control.

The migration process and isolation which ensued tended to exacerbate pre-existing mental illness tendencies in my mother. I think uBPDx was certainly unwell and behaved badly in his country of origin, but I suspect it became worse after he emigrated. Maybe something about these dynamics triggered a deep familiarity in me.

For a long time, I had a strong sense of loyalty to my mother. No, she wasn't 'bad'. She was just too special for others to understand. Or the good in her was so very good that it made up for everything else.

Hi,

I lived through a phase of suicidal threats and gestures, some blatant, some thinly veiled ("My life is over / It's hopeless / I don't want to be here anymore"), some projected ("You should be euthanized").  I called it the "nuclear" phase.  Alas, my pwBPD attempted suicide multiple times.  What stopped this behavior?  I think what stopped it was her realization that if she continued to make suicidal threats and gestures which landed her in the hospital, she would be involuntarily committed long-term, and she'd lose her freedoms.  Her doctors and her dad told her as much ("This is serious, if you do this again, you'll lose your freedom").

I think if I were in your shoes, my reaction might depend on the intensity of her mood.  If she's riled up, I might ask, "Are you thinking about committing suicide right now?"  If she responded that she was, I'd dial 911 or take her to the emergency room myself.  If she's reasonably calm, I might ask, "Do you want me to dial 911 and get some help for you?"  If she declined the offer, I think I'd feel better that she wasn't really in distress.  Both of these approaches take her seriously and validate her feelings. 

Hi there,

I think you might start to assume the best rather than the worst of your daughter.  If she wants to walk home, let her walk home, even if it takes two hours (i.e. 5 miles) and it's cold.  If I were in your shoes, I'd say something like, "OK, have a good night, I'm turning in."  You put aside your worry because if your daughter gets cold, she could warm up in a store/building/gas station.  She could take a bus home.  She could call for an Uber.  She could knock on the door of someone's home and ask for a blanket as she waits for a ride.  If she gets into trouble, she could say, "Hey Siri, call 911."  If it's a dangerous city, she would be carrying mug money and/or mace.  My guess is she doesn't have to, because the city isn't that dangerous; if it were dangerous, she'd take some precautionary measures.  In other words, your stock response should be "OK," in a neutral to slightly upbeat tone.  No advice, no warnings, no threats, no rescues, because your daughter knows what she's doing, and she's a big girl.

If your daughter starts demanding that you pick her up, you could say, "No.  I respected your choice to walk.  I'm going to bed.  Good night."

I like this approach. I plan to stay focused on my brother and other family that day. I appreciate all the perspectives

I got the DNA results just like 2 weeks ago. I wasn’t even mad or overly shocked when I saw it. It kind of explained her weird behaviours more than if I was the father. It was a moment of relief and grief knowing that child is not mine, I am mourning the fact I was ready to be a father and love a child that isn’t even mine but also glad the child is not mine because I’d be tethered to someone like her for life.

I understand that, I agree & can see that. I know she is ill and I don’t believe she is a bad person. I don’t hate her, even after what happened.

I have been doing all that, I will try my best to put myself out there and heal, thank you:)

Yes that makes sense, in a weird way it brings comfort you saying she isn’t bad just ill. I take it a little less personally.
I just don’t understand how she can throw away all the effort I put in like that but applying logic to someone who doesn’t think with it makes no sense.

That makes sense, I’m sorry this happened to you as well. Thank you for taking the time to reply and all the best for you also.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it definitely stings for awhile.  How long ago did this happen?  By that I mean when you received the DNA results.

Your ex is mentally ill and makes bad decisions because of it.  I'm not trying to defend her, but she probably figured that you might be the father and rolled the dice.  She probably broke up with you after feeling more and more confident that you weren't the father.  Who knows.  It comes from disordered thinking though.  BPDs really get eaten up by guilt and shame, they don't know how to let go of it or move past it, so it just lingers and continually changes their thinking, their words, actions, etc.

Let's talk about you- how do you move on?  Well, you're already doing it.  At first, that could mean one day at a time because the pain cuts deep, it's an ugly betrayal.  Like Pete said though, I'm sure she was saying the same things to the other guy too.  This wasn't about you at all, it was about having no idea what to do when she really messed up several people's lives because of her actions.

My advice?  Stay busy at work and get a gym membership.  Get back into old hobbies or find new ones.  Hang out with friends and family more, people that care about you.  One day at a time, one week at a time, until it's no longer this huge thing in your mind.  Everyone here healed at different speeds; for me, it was about 6 months before I began to feel normal again.  But it also took that long to realize how messed up things really were in the relationship, so my mind had new things to analyze.

So take our advice- she didn't do this to you specifically.  It would have happened with any guy she was dating at the time.  She did it because she's mentally ill and she couldn't think her way through it because she was too emotional, too unbalanced.  Even the, "You're harassing her" comment...that's true in a way.  You said you sent one text, but that text was probably on her mind 24/7 for months and weighed on her like a ton of bricks.  For you, it was a text.  For her, it was torture because her mind can't let go of trauma (even when it's self-created) and she saw no way forward without losing a lot of respect from everyone around her.

At around the 1 year mark, I finally realized that my ex was sick and that's why she cheated on me.  It's not a great answer, but its the best my mind was going to find.  So try to save yourself extended heartbreak and listen to what we're saying- she did what she did because she's mentally ill.  There's no other reason and she's probably not a bad person.  She's just sick.  

Honestly we got together and at first she was so sweet, kind, caring.

I put a lot of effort into her and we just clicked overnight, it felt so natural / real.

That lasted like 4-6 months where I was genuinely over the moon. I kept hoping she would go back but she didn’t.
I have a really bad knee from 3 knee surgeries from the military and I don’t date often, there’s a lot I honestly can’t do and don’t put myself out there for a lot of people. That’s the main reason.. I used to move on so fast and I just think I’m more reserved now.

I agree I dodged a bullet. I hope I can find someone healthy one day.. I am going to see a therapist.

My BPD daughter said similar things and they were very hard.  Eventually, if she made any kind of threat like that I dialed 9-1-1 and said that she was a threat to herself or others.  When paramedics arrived, I would repeat that phrase over and over again, "She's a threat to herself or others."  Sometimes I'd add, "I don't feel safe with her being in the home right now, not with the way she's acting and the stuff she's saying."

Sometimes, they'd take her away for hours, days, or weeks.  Sometimes, they'd leave while filing a report.  But I did it anyway, every time, when her mood switched to highly disordered and she was screaming, crying, or whichever way the wind blew that day.  If she was truly unhinged, I dialed 9-1-1 every single time...even if paramedics had left 3 minutes earlier.

What quickly happened is that my daughter stopped those types of threats completely, because she wasn't getting what she wanted.  Whether she was truly suicidal or she just wanted to manipulate/hurt me, I really didn't care...I dialed 9-1-1.  And that took that particular weapon out of her arsenal after the 3rd or 4th involuntary hold.

Note that I didn't say, "She's suicidal."  That means she can say, "No I'm not."  Case closed, nothing happens.  By saying, "My kid is a threat to herself or others," now you're making it a mental health emergency that affects your wellbeing and everyone in the home as well.  They have no choice but to take her for an ambulance ride and a psych evaluation. 

She'd often be home the next day, but again, it's not completely about that.  It's about ending those types of threats so they're not weaponized against your family.