Hi there Broken,

I'm so sorry you've reached us feeling broken, but I think most parents here can relate.

If you'll allow me a little mind reading here, what I see is you have an intelligent daughter.  Why?  Because her accusations are both plausible and irrefutible.  She says you've "never been the mom she NEEDED" and she has "never felt LOVED."  Both accusations are impossible to deny.  Well, sort of, because "never" is an extreme term that is likely exaggerated.  Anyway, how your daughter frames her accusations indicates to me that she's likely smart and savvy, as well as manipulative.  Why?  Because you can't argue with her, and you also can't do anything to fix the situation.  Not that you can ever fix someone else's feelings, let alone their entire life, but that's another point entirely.

I think your title sums it up well, that your daughter is playing a Blame Game.  It's not a fun game to play, because you can't possibly win.  She's going to blame you for ruining her life, even if you had no input on any of her decisions causing her current distress.  My guess is that she does this to avoid intense feelings of shame--for making the poor decisions, wrecking relationships, feeling like a failure, not really finding her way in the adult world.  At the core is her fragile, insecure sense of self, basically an inferiority complex tinged with jealousy, which feeds her victim mindset.  I've written here before that I think a victim mindset is probably the worst part of BPD, because it renders your daughter powerless.  She rejects taking responsibility for her own life and blames other people instead, especially you.  But in a way, she is powerless, because her extreme emotions hijack her brain on a daily basis.  She thinks others are causing her distress, and she expends all her mental bandwidth reading into ancient and current perceived slights and grievances, twisting facts and fabricating a narrative of constant trauma, even when nobody meant to hurt her.  Many pwBPD can take the the blame game too far, going "nuclear" with dire threats and having frequent, angry outburts over seemingly nothing.

Let me guess, your daughter is a young adult?  She's been in therapy before, but she thinks it doesn't work?  I'm guessing she's had at least some therapy, because she's really homing in on her key issues:  feeling both needy and unloved.  Saying that you aren't the mom she needs sounds a bit like therapy-speak to me.  At any rate, I think that most parents here would probably agree that their BPD kid needs a ton of emotional caretaking / reassurances / support, and that they generally feel unloved, by practically everyone.  That's probably why abandonment is a huge issue for BPD.

If any of this sounds familiar, I think it's because it's classic BPD.  Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise.  She's smart, she's trying to push your buttons.  I'm not sure which buttons she's pushing right now, but she might be pushing the generic Guilt button as well as the ATM button, or maybe the Free Housing or Free Babysitting button.  She'll keep pushing these buttons until she gets what she wants.  But if you don't give her what she demands, then typically she'll try estrangement, which is her way to punish you with her absence.  Though you might have a temporary reprieve from the constant onslaught of negativity, you might mourn her absence, as well as the absence of any "normal" mother-daughter relationship.  That too is classic BPD in my opinion.

Where does that leave you?  Probably sad, worried, distressed, guilt-ridden, depressed, exhausted.  That's why here we recommend self-care.  If you need a break, take it.  If you need therapy, get it.  If you need to vent, come here, we understand.  Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, and unfortunately you can't fix it.  Your daughter can though, if she really wants to and takes therapy seriously.

All my best to you.

One time my ex came to my home with an officer for a failed exchange.  Later when I tried to get the officer's record of the visit it was a simple page for the shift with columns including address and simple resolved or not resolved columns.  There was no detail about the interchanges or issues.  In that instance the records were unhelpful.

Thank you for your replies, js friend and Pook075. Yes, you would think that not only I but our other family members and friends would have picked up on all these “selfs” as the therapist called them. Actually had a video session with the therapist with my son and my grandson’s mother so that she could help us understand DID. (Oh and did I mention that I’m the one paying for all this bs therapy?) I can’t help but be skeptical like both of you since it seems the diagnoses seem to shift and change even with the same therapists. My only hope is that the current therapist is somehow able to provide him with some type of treatment and advice that will actually help him.

Thank you for the response!  I’ve had a number of instances recently where I’ve fought for her and last Friday I tried to arrange an in person meeting to talk about everything but she left me on read.  At this point I’m just going to go the NC route, work on moving on, and if she initiates and wants to have a conversation I’m willing to. 

So, just because she was extremely cold, short and callous to me the last time we spoke doesn’t necessarily mean it’s final?

I checked the local PD, and they don't have a police blotter on their site, or at least one that's public.  And this being a rural area, there's no newspaper or reporting going on.  I did find a website that tracks official accident reports and didn't see anything in the area that matched the description of her vehicle or the incident on that date, or the next day, if they reported it late.

I've paid a PI to see what they can dig up about this, if anything, and any other calls to her address over the years. 

It appears to come down to whether the homeowner who's mailbox was hit would call the police and at least file a report so there's something in the system, or just replace it. 

As far as getting CPS involved, I know they've been called a couple other times on her home due to excessive noisy fighting and arguments.  They didn't do anything and closed the file each time.  In this case, I could see it going nowhere again, as there's no evidence she was drinking (other than my daughter's testimony), and even if they buy it, I could see them concluding it was an isolated incident (it was her wedding day) and wouldn't happen again.  Everytime I've had contact with school counselors, CPS, etc. it seems like they're looking for an excuse to do nothing. 

*cue 'Twilight Zone' theme music..

I'm looking through the site and reading this thread.. while sitting listening to all the songs that were in the charts when I was with my ex-BPD and reliving the good - and bad - memories. I do this sometimes but I'll quantify it be saying that I always use music to relate to past times - a song takes me right back to a time/situation/ex gf.

Pook has it right, it's important to look back and see the whole picture, not just the BPD content. I was having a great time in those days whether with or without my exBPD and I don't let my bad experience with my ex spoil all the memories/ 90% of it was great; she was the bad 10%.

I can relate to the 'ghostly' aspect though - after a BPD experience we're all left wondering 'was any of it real?' We know it happened but still feel there was something dream-like about it. Ever wake up from a highly realistic dream and it takes a few seconds to realise it only was a dream and not reality? I think a BPD's actions can be like that as we ask ourselves 'did they really do that??'

Hi and welcome. I think I can say that everyone here has experienced the same thing as BPD is such a scripted illness and on the whole tends to run the same way for everyone with it's constant 'love you / hate you' switching.

As for being the 'final discard' it may or not be as some BPD's do cut off for good but many will try to keep you 'on the substitutes bench' in case they have nobody else current in their lives. BPD's don't want to be alone and can show a very callous disregard for people's feelings as they seek to satisfy their wants of the moment. They'll get back with you or drop you yet again according to their current emotional state.

If you continue to engage then you'll aways be seen as an option and she will keep the game going. From what you wrote there are serious trust issues with her fidelity - which are sadly unlikely to change. What you see now is usually what you will continue to get.

She will definitely be jealous that her daughter wants to see you. When a BPD is ignoring someone they want everyone else to do it too, to give them validation. I had the same thing in my 4-year BPD relationship. if she was speaking to me then all her friends did too but as soon as the painted me black they all did too to keep onside with her.

Are you intending to contact her or wait until she contacts you? Both can have disadvantages in that if you chase after her it can make her feel overwhelmed and she'll retreat more. On the other hand, as you've already seen, if you do nothing then you're not 'fighting for her'.  Can't win whatever we do!

Thanks for sharing.

You could always have dreams come true with another person, if they are more emotionally stable, yes?
But there is probably a middle ground between dreams and reality that can be a little elusive :-)

Congratulations!!

Hi mom!

Just remember that "feelings are not facts!"

For instance, my daughter made a comment the other day that her credit is ruined because of me.  She begged me to co-sign on a car, she blew up the car's engine by ignoring the check oil light, then the car was repo'd when she couldn't afford to fix it.  Her credit was ruined because she was highly irresponsible. 

Again, feelings are not facts.  However, BPD feelings can lead to them saying horrible things when they feel bad to make others feel bad too.  It's your choice whether or not to listen to that stuff.  Also, that doesn't mean that they've always felt that way or that they even believe it's the truth themselves- they're just projecting their pain so it can't be their own fault.

You could look for police blotters etc to find any evidence of the auto accident (if there was some kind of collision).

You could also call CPS and tell ask them in a theoretical sort of way. When my ex and I were still together, he had started to pass out while caring for the kids. I called CPS about it. Their reply was that they expected me to basically intervene and manage the situation to keep the kids safe, since I was the safe parent in the household, or I could seek to get the other parent removed. It was clear to me that the situation wasn't something I could manage so I got him removed.