Thank you for replying, for more context yes he has BPD diagnosed 4 years ago and is on medication to support himself. We went through the idealisation period and the honeymoon was great, even when he had periods of emotional lows and required first aide for self harm. He is experiencing a lot of change and family difficulties over the last 4 months, and was at emotional capacity. He went from I love you and intense to pulling back over a couple of weeks. I’m still working through the emotions but if I’m being honest with myself the last 4 months I have felt like I’ve been investing more and had to be very careful about what and how I said something because he would shutdown. There were signs he was hiding things from me which he hadn’t done previously but he was very good at either making me feel like I was seeing things that weren’t there or talked his way out of it. AndI wanted to believe him. It calmed my anxiety. Over the 2 weeks I felt suddenly devalued, not even friends. He had control over when he would pop up again and when he would suddenly disengage and I couldn’t work out the pattern. I’m glad I saw the location because it helped me implement my boundary of stepping back - I couldn’t heal while he easily moved on. But what I didn’t expect was for him to deliberately not reply or check messages that I did send because I believed him when he said he would be there when I came back. I understand his experience but for me the sudden shift has been hard on my nervous system.

I’m open to being friends if it’s healthy for both of us. But I am curious if others have successfully come back from the devaluation and silence NC stage and engaged in a healthy boundary friendship? And also any tips on whether complete no contact while he is not engaging or the occasional check in over the weeks or months?

Hi and welcome.

Do you think he's BPD?  I'm curious because you haven't really described any behavior from him that would seem to be problematic in that sense, though I can certainly understand why you're feeling shock and grief over losing him.

But, as far as whether there's any issues with him, it sounds like he either: 1) tried to let you down easy, or 2) decided to keep you around in the event he changed his mind, or (assuming he was going after someone else) it didn't work out.  But it's not possible to know which at this time. 

It sounds like "extinction burst" behavior on her part: escalating the emotional level to possibly include violence in order to get you to comply with what she wants. 

You could be at a bit of a fork in the road in your relationship, as in you whether you decide to separate from her (at least until she calms down and agrees to stop this behavior), or you keep riding the emotional roller coaster with her. 

Maybe you can stick it out until the "extinction burst" burns itself out (though it might get intolerably worse before it gets better).  It can get really ugly though, so yeah, take precautions to protect yourself from any violence, or false allegations, or other insanity, if you decide to stay put. 

In my own situation, as I withdrew and refused to engage in the fighting after a certain point, BPDxw started escalating the nastiness, and it was so off-putting to me that it allowed me to just leave & divorce without any second thought. 

Hi there ladies,

Putting aside the volatile emotions and victim perspective of BPD for a moment, I've observed that BPD often involves unrealistic expectations.  Sometimes I think it's as if pwBPD live in a fantasy world, with a heavy dose of childish, "magical" thinking--believing that they should command everyone's attention, and that others should cater to their every need, without regard for other people's circumstances.  Their conception of an interpersonal relationship is too demanding, too INTENSE.  An example might be that the pwBPD believes that close relatives should always remain "available" to her--to talk, to entertain, to give her money, to help with logistics, to solve daily problems or take her on vacations.  Another example might be that she expects parents to spend all their disposable income on the adult BPD child, because they "owe" her.  She might have the expectation that the childhood home should never change, and that family members should never move away, let alone marry (or remarry), or devote time to their own families.  Another expectation might be for a Prince Charming to knock on her door, sweep her off her feet and set her up in a palatial home, where she has no responsibilities for upkeep or income contribution.  Since these expectations are unrealistic, childish and partly delusional, the pwBPD feels constantly disappointed and aggrieved.  And so she might lash out, accusing you of "abandoning" her, not helping her, not catering to her every need like she was used to in the past.  She'll say you're a terrible person, selfish, narcissistic--and that your life and home are horrendous, your friends are evil, that you should be punished and rot in hell . . . and maybe she'll threaten you too.  Immediately after that she'll try to "punish" you by cutting off all conntact.  I think this is a reflection of her childish expectations that set her up for constant disappointment, which leads to petulance, tantrums, rages, threats and/or bouts of depression.  On top of that, she's seething mad when others seem happy and hit life's milestones, because it's a stark reminder to her that she is not happy nor hitting milestones.  It's almost as if she's stuck, while others close to her are moving on, and she's not happy about that.

Look, nothing you do will change your sister.  The only person you have control of is YOU.  I'd say, if your sister is ripping apart your sanity, then you deserve a break from her.  You don't have to explain anything to anybody, just take a break.  I'd say, let her calls go to voicemail, and don't listen to any messages if you can't handle them right now.  You don't have to read her texts or emails, either.  If something were truly important, trust me, you would find out some other way (for example, your parents or other family members would reach out to you).  And if you're worried about what your sister is saying about you behind your back, I'd say, try to stop worrying about that.  Your family already knows your sister has her issues.  My guess is that they already know she's prone to lying (or extreme exaggeration).  You do NOT have to defend yourself.  I'd say, try to focus on YOU.  Get busy with your life, so that your disordered sister doesn't occupy so much headspace.

Your sister is doing to.you exactly what my mother does to her sister.. My mum turned on her sister massively a month or so ago and my brother and I are struggling to cope with her behaviour. It's hard for my aunt because she frets about my mum potentially going through with suicide threats, my mum has caller display and so like to not answer the phone to her sister or half sister just so she can make them panic!

The sad thing is that unless any professionals are willing to step in push my mother into some serious therapy, I think we're screwed and just have to minimise contact as much possible otherwise she'll just keep being mentally abusive to myself and my brother

I feel like a line was crossed this weekend. My wife escalated one of her usual spirals in public the other day to the point that she was following me down the street pulling on my clothes and arm, shouting at me in tears, begging me to talk to her. I had been calm and validating, but held the boundary in refusing to get into tense, emotional relationship topics after lunch. We don't communicate effectively when she gets upset. I validated her feelings and gave her the choice to pause, use tools and we could continue our day together, or if she kept persisting in pushing me for communication and reassurance I would have to step away to take some space and keep things stable. She persisted, so I tried to walk away. I told her, "I'm sorry you're feeling upset. I'm going to take a walk to keep things stable on my end. I'll be back in a little while." She followed me, pulling on me. When I went back to the car she wouldn't let me close the door, and she wouldn't get in the car. I called a crisis support line hoping she would talk to them. She refused so I explained the situation to them, that my wife was feeling very dysregulated and that she was physically preventing me from taking space from the situation. She tried to grab my phone from me to hang it up. Eventually I was able to walk away and came back to get my car later

The rest of the weekend was just apology followed by another spiral, around and around. She did the same thing on the street in front her her work as I was dropping her off. I had to walk away and wait for +30min for her to stop calling and texting me and go into work before I could collect my car and move on. She has pulled on my clothes as I tried to leave the apartment before, but not for so long and not out in public. And the way she tried to make me sound like the bad guy as she shouted into the phone while I talked with crisis support really freaked me out. It's one of the few times I've heard her get that angry and really try to twist the narrative to make me the bad guy. I've never feared she might get vindictive, but now I'm genuinely worried about the future. I am scared to be around her because it's hard to accept the consequences of what could happen if she tries to physically stop me again. I don't want to be provoked into doing something in response, and I don't want her to get in any legal trouble, or lie about things and have me get into legal trouble. It just feels like a line has been crossed and the stakes feel too high to keep doing this. Any advice?

I've been researching the whole risk of older people and Lorazepam / Diazepam thing and it's shocking! I had no idea how dangerous those tablets were to older people with slower metabolisms, they don't even give them to the over 65's anymore in the UK because of the risks! It sounds frighteningly why we e had such deterioration of her mental health as it increase aggression, volatility, delusion! It would explain why she's been more prone to falls in the last year or so and her memory was noticeably bad at the weekend, she was very frustrated at times trying to remember words she wanted to use.
It's appalling how lax the medical profession have been , how long have they known about the risks of these drugs on the over 65's yet did nothing! Now we have to see if they handle her withdrawals sensibly or whether that is the next big crisis!

BPSstinks, oof, I can relate to the guilt for feeling happy. Funny thing is, I want that for you and others. I want you to let go of the guilt, I want you to be happy. How do you get past the guilt? What helps?

I tried to reach out to my BPD kid with a holiday message once, and my non-BPD youngest cut me off for doing so, saying I wasn't respecting boundaries. The message came through loud and clear - any contact towards BPD kid would result in my other two cutting me off. My oldest and youngest speak to me now, but as much as I try to make our interactions positive and casual, I carry intense anxiety. I feel like I can't make any mistakes.

I have long been in therapy and have processed a lot of trauma from my childhood through to adulthood, but nothing prepared me for the pain of losing kids.

So, it has been two weeks since my last encounter with my sister and I feel like I am losing my mind. I am unable to rest, if I sit still my mind wanders and thinks of all the various versions of conversations that I could be having with her when she decides to return to speaking to me. I know it is a matter of time before she reaches out again... I am scared of her, I am terrified of her influence on the others in my family. Everyone walks on eggshells around her (yes I have read that book too). I am unable to let go of the fact she has acted out like a child and made a permanent solution to a temporary problem. (basically she threw a fit and is refusing to talk to me or go to my wedding). She has made this narrative in her mind of my life, my relationship and my happiness. She is under the impression that I am not happy, I am in a bad relationship, and that I am isolating myself from my family. None of these are true but this is what she has been saying behind my back for months now. She is telling our family how bad my fiance is and how I am pulling away from everyone. I don't want to try to defend myself because her famous saying is "if you get defensive, it must mean it's true". She is delusional and I don't think I can go back to playing my role in the family of the rescuer (i think). I am normally the one that will apologize for something I didn't completely do, and give her everything she needs in order to keep the peace. She is my sister and I wish I could have a normal relationship with her, but I have to come to the terms that she will always bring me down every couple of months when she feels like it. I have been depressed for the past 2 weeks, I can't sit still, I have to keep my mind busy or I am going to spiral out and think the worst about everything. I have cried on numerous occasions to my fiance and even my kids saw me crying and I hate that. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know how to cope with this.

With people on the NPD spectrum, they know the Golden Rule too. I think they assume the rules don't apply to them. I think for BPD- they feel like a victim defending themselves.

It seems that being nice to them doesn't work to have them reciprocate and be nice too. It just makes you vulnerable . I don't want to treat people poorly in return. Their behavior is on them. To retaliate is to operate on that level. So going to neutral- gray rock, not reacting, ignoring them, or in a social situaton, being cordial but not too close is the middle ground. Also boundaries.