You get to choose (for you) and your daughter does as well (for her).  Those are two completely different things though that don't go together.  When she's ready, your kid will seek help and hopefully her life will change.  It's her journey though and she's in control.

That sounds lousy- don't parents get a say in the matter?  Nope, we don't.  Once we accept that, it's also quite liberating because we get to separate ourselves from the chaos and drama.  We can still love and support, but we don't have to be in the middle of everything to do that.

You're making a choice and it's the right one.  Hopefully your kid eventually makes the right choice as well.

Hi there - Not sure exactly how to start but my spouse has BPD Cluster B - Things have drastically escalated during the past year. I feel like I've said the same things and asked for the same things over and over again - things improve for a week and then I'm back to square one. This is 13 years in. We share a beautiful daughter. He got charged with Domestic Violence in June. Living in the same house but I know I have no romantic love for him anymore. Does anyone have any advice/encouragement or tips ? I know I need to end the relationship but am fearful of the reaction. He was once my very best friend and now a stranger I hardly recognize. While he is no longer being physically aggressive theres no care shown to me at all. I live each day feeling like a robot only here to support others.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If your daughter is willing I’d get her into the residential program and let the professionals lead the way. Trust them over your daughter, as hard as that may be.

I think the best thing we can do is hold our children accountable for their actions. Using substances is unacceptable, imo, and will only complicate things. Marijuana increases the likelihood of mental illness. The book “Tell Your Children the Truth About Marijuana” by Alex Berenson is eye opening on the subject.

She’s an adult and has to want to get better for this to work. I hope she chooses healing.

BPDStinks, I’ve been NC before multiple times not by my choice and it was heartbreaking. I’m so sorry that’s where you are right now. It’s so hard to navigate these things and not allow it to destroy our own marriages. I hope this period of time will bring you peace and clarity and help you prepare for when your daughter makes contact again.

Pook075, thank you! It’s encouraging to hear from someone on the other side of this. I’m so thankful to hear that your daughter chose treatment and is doing better. It reminds me that there is hope for those who choose to do the work!

To me, this exchange sums up why continuing contact - at least cordial contact - is not possible with a pwBPD.  You have some standards and would not use a child as a means to an end.  pwBPD don't; their needs always come first.  And they blur the lines between themselves and their children when it suits them.  You're trying to communicate in good faith and convey a message to her sons out of concern for them, and she's just looking for ways to reel you back by any means necessary. 

I think it's probably confusing and frustrating for her kids to be in the middle of this, and so unless they reach out to you directly, I would drop attempts to reach out to them.  Give them a break.  They might eventually look you up and reach out later in life, and you'll have an opportunity to build a rapport with them then.  But I don't think this is something you can willingly control. 

Hi there,

I'm so sorry about your daughter, the situation must be really scary for you.  I had a similar situation when my adult BPD stepdaughter attended college, right around the same time that I married her dad.  She started using marijuana daily, experienced a crisis, made a first suicide attempt and landed in the hospital.  By the way, after around a year of self-medication with marijuana, her executive function declined precipitously, and on top of her wild mood swings and bouts of unbridled rage, she was paranoid and delusional.  On some occasions when under extreme stress, she seemed to lose touch with reality.

Like your daughter, my stepdaughter was in and out of McLean.  I felt that the treatments there helped stabilize her, and yet, she wasn't really "ready" to do the real work of therapy at first.  Since she was technically an adult, she felt she could do "anything she wanted," and she generally didn't want to do the recommended follow-up, because she wanted to do other things.  I'm not sure if her executive functioning was intact enough for her to apply for treatment programs, make appointments or execute the administrative side of arranging for her own care.  In a way, I felt like McLean "dropped the ball" once she was discharged, believing that a young adult can manage her own care by herself, and make rational decisions about follow up.  Sure, her dad and I wanted her to get follow-up care, but at the time she was belligerent and uncooperative.  Her dad, in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, allowed her stay at our home for an extended period, basically on "vacation," while sleeping the days away, using marijuana and being disrespectful to us.  Eventually he let her re-enroll in college, because that's what she wanted to do, but against our better judgment, because she wasn't demonstrating that she was in a good place when living with us.  Alas, that was basically setting her up to fail.  And this cycle--falling apart, withdrawing from college, getting a little treatment to stabilize, living at home on "vacation," going back to school, repeated.  Each repeat was worse than the last on.

I will follow up with more later.  In the meantime, take a deep breath.  Things can get better if your daughter takes therapy seriously (and stops using marijuana in my opinion).  McLean has great programs, provided that she's "ready."

Okay, so the advice changes a little since your son is out of the home.  That actually makes this 100x easier on you because it doesn't have to be a daily blowout session at home.

Think about what you said.  Your son:
- can't hold a job
- can't get along with co-workers
- always gets frustrated and quits
- doesn't have any friends
- can't get along with anyone
- is tolerated by relatives
- is passionate about marijuana

What part of any of that is a "you problem"?

The truth is, none of that is your concern.  But here's the problem.  Because he fails at all of that, I'm assuming that you're supporting him and still accepting his abuse.  That's the part that has to stop.  He can do whatever he wants because he's responsible for himself.  But he can't bite the hand that feeds him and expect for it to continue.  That's the lesson you must teach.

Here's the other part of that.  The more he realizes that his attitude isn't doing him any favors, the more likely he'll be to get mental health help.  As long as you're bailing him out though and showing that life doesn't have consequences, the more he'll take advantage of everything in life and create destructive patterns.  You help is actually enabling him to become sicker- you must see that clearly.  That's the only part of any of this that's actually your fault.

I stumbled on this site trying to find reviews for the Gundersen Center at McLean before we sell our souls to save our daughter.
Her issue as I’m sure many are, is complex…we’ve heard that a lot lately. She’s been in and out of treatment starting after a traumatic event her first semester of college 2022, which led to catatonia. As of her most recent stay at McLean impatient, she was diagnosed with underlying Bipolar but more specifically BPD due to trauma. We definitely see the borderline patterns and she seems more stable on current meds but unsure at the same time. She was discharged from another program 2 days ago for behavior issues ( in our opinion due to some medication changes) that I believe could’ve been handled differently. We are at our wits end, the last program told us she needs intensive, residential DBT. So we are looking for a program, again.  Our once very bright, very compliant and successful daughter is someone completely different now and we just want to find healing.
So I’m hoping to feel less alone and maybe find some direction. I’m sure many are aware the system is difficult to say the least and we have had some terrible experiences, unfortunately piling on to a family already in crisis.
I will add that we do believe smoking synthetic THC over the last 4 years has complicated this situation drastically.
She also experiences FND seizures.
Thank you for this space.

Hi HereForTheLove
I can really relate to your description of how you feel waking up and trying to go to sleep at night. I know when my anxiety is really high when I feel sick in the stomach on waking. It is awful.

I remember at times feeling as though I was going to physically fall apart!

It is really difficult to take control of this anxiety response, but well worth the effort I think. I can only tell you of things that I have tried. Breathing is important and helpful. In the morning when I wake up feeling sick in the stomach I consciously take about 20 slow, deep breaths and repeating something as I do so.

It could be the 3 Cs - I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it - while breathing. Perhaps a line from Nelson Mandela's 'Letting Go' poem would be good - ' Letting go means I can't do it for someone else' or 'Letting go means to fear less and to love more'.

One of my favourite mantras is one that I thought up for myself 'No matter what happens or who thinks what, my DD has been loved in her life. So many are not loved, but my DD has been and is loved by me'.

You might find your own sentence that sooths the fear and apprehension that overcomes us on this journey. It is a challenging and hard journey with BPD. It's such an impossible condition!

Also when you wake up, be sure to appreciate yourself - sometimes I bring to mind all the people who post here - my mind sort of 'circles' the world and I imagine people in every country coping with BPD as I am. It is an enormous comfort to me - I am not alone on this journey.

Just a few thoughts and ideas from my journey with BPD. You are not alone; you are on a very challenging and difficult journey; you have the right to feel tired, sad, angry, hurt - and any other emotion, because this is how it is with BPD.

100% agree and came to this conclusion myself before our final breakup(we had gone back and forth breaking up but Everytime I left her she would lose her mind or use my stepsons to guilt me into coming back). The last time she left me she left me while I was beaten down and at an extremely vulnerable and low point in my life. I knew then, 5 months ago, I would never go back. I accepted the breakup and walked away. It became clear immediately that I was thriving without her.