My daughter did exactly the same thing until I cut her off completely financially.  At first, it was very ugly but in time, she figured it out that she couldn't just rely on mom and dad for money.  It forced her to budget, to figure out other ways to make her finances work.  And today I think she does fairly well with money.  Not with savings, but at least she gets the bills paid.

At first, yes, it feels like hardening your heart and being like Pharoah.  But that's not what is actually happening.  If you want to get Biblical, we're given a blueprint for how to spend our money.  Tithe the first 10%.  Save 20% for a rainy day.  Live on the other 70%.  Also, don't be in debt to anyone, for any reason.  Live within your means and make that 70% work.

How does this apply?  First, your son should be living by the same principals, so should my daughter.  But they're not.  So they're going into debt (to us, others) to chase the things of this world.  Just because they're living foolishly doesn't mean the guidance to us changes- we stick to the 70/20/10 rule for our household.  If you can give more than 10% to those in need then great, but that was never meant to be your lifelong burden for one person in particular.  Not even your son.  He's meant to learn responsible finance like the rest of us and helping him all the time prevents that.

Thanks again to both of you for your encouragement and support. I've been off the Forum for a bit. You're right NotWendy,  writing my son's story helps me in seeing the lifelong struggle and pattern. A good day, week, month would tempt me to believe all is well. He's finally getting things figured out. Like your daughter Pook075, my son is very intelligent and can be quite charming.
Yes, I will protect my nest egg. It isn't easy for me. Thankfully my husband is supportive,  One of my big problems is I buy hook line and sinker the manipulation. His approach is very loving, and slowly builds over texts or calls checking in. First  a simple request- Are you in town? I'm trying to figure out how to get lunch for my son (my grandson). I live 20 min away. He said, I won't get paid for a few days and have no money.  I said no I won't be - I had company over.  He figured it out.
A couple days later he called with a bigger request about how he'd pay me back with 10% additional to start paying off all he's borrowed, if I would let him charge materials for jobs on my Credit Card. He said he made an Excel spreadsheet and worked up the nerve to ask me. And feels really bad asking.
I truly thought he wouldn't ask for quite awhile after our talk. 
So for me it feels like I need to harden my heart to his unending neediness. I love him but I also need to create some emotional distance. Any thoughts.?   My journey is seeing my son more clearly and learning to be ok with detaching from him on many levels.

I have not posted in well over a year. My daughter who last time I was posting was pregnant and engaging in very harmful behavior had come back home to live. For about ten months after she had the baby we were doing okay and I thought the worst was behind us. A few days ago I noticed a change in her behavior, she was becoming irritable with the baby, wanted to go out and left her breastfed baby with me for eight hours. The baby was beside herself wanting her mother’s breast. Of course I told my daughter to come home. She got mad and kept the baby in her room for two days. My daughter’s other response to this was to abruptly wean the baby because “summers coming and I want to be able to go out”. The baby has been crying and is pulling her hair. She indicated to me that she planned on leaving the baby with me overnight in the future because she wanted to enjoy the summer. She also said that she expected the man she dated on Saturday to be calling her soon and that she wanted to be available. This morning started off okay but ended in the splitting episode to end all splitting episodes. She called several people to complain that I am a bad mother. It ended in her calling her grandfather to come and rescue her from me. Which he did. I’m at the point where I can’t keep dealing with her. I know she is sick but she is also horrible to me. The badmouthing today was horrific. I’m not going to be a pin cushion anymore. I think this is it. Let someone else step in. I’m exhausted.

This is messed up and I suspect your older D is doing this to "get at you". What I wish could have happened at my graduation, when BPD mother did or said something to anger Dad, he reacted and the day was ruined.

There's no fighting this by reacting. If you do, they win because then, you have fallen right into their drama. What I wish could have happened would have been if they could have held it together for just one day.

You can not control what your D-w BPD does but you can control how you react to it. Understanbly you are furious, but if you react against this plan- she wins, the day is ruined and you are part of that too.

What I wish could have happened would be if I could speak openly about my feelings and what I wanted to the non BPD parent or family members. This is the heart of your relationship with your D- open communication. Don't speak of her sister, that's triangulation, and don't put her in the middle. Just ask her how she's doing, and that you want this day to go well for her. Let her feel safe taking to you, and let her say how she really feels.

Let her know you aren't asking her to choose between her sister's plans and yours, and that your only wish is for her to have a good graduation day, and let her feel relieved that this choice isn't upsetting you. It is, but she doesn't need to feel weighted down with this or feeling bad about the change in plans.

The best prevention of keeping BPD sis from causing damage to relationships in the family is to make it safe for them to be open with you about their feelings and be of emotional support to them.

It's only one day- a day your younger D will remember, so make it one she can feel good about, and feel secure about.

She's coming to the ceremony but not sitting with some of us. Sitting with her other sibling and then all 3 kids are doing something together after.

I agree competely with Under.  There's no "honest" answer here to give to that type of question. 

It makes me think of when my wife asks me, "Do this dress make me look fat?"  I have a clear, instant answer that I can give and if she looks great, I tell her.  But what if she doesn't?  What's the "real" answer she's looking for?  That's too much thinking for me and I always say that it looks just fine, regardless.

A BPD will improve once they're ready to look within.  From our group expeirences, I think that only happens when life gets so utterly terrible, getting help actually feels like the best option.  Until then, therapy is used as a sounding board to talk endlessly about the lousy people in their live and how nobody supports them emotionally.

So in a way, your BPD person is right- the therapy is basically worthless until they actually want to contribute.  But even then, they get to talk out their problems and it makes them feel somewhat better.  That's some value at least.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at " Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062381.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

Hi and welcome to the forums. We're all sympathetic to what you're going through now as every one of us has been through it. BPD tends to run to a very predictable script; almost like a computer program inside them and once it starts - usually after an initial wonderful period of seeming like a match made in heaven - it becomes mentally draining, as we try to work with our partner's ever-changing moods and emotions.

You say that he's just been through exams; the exams will most likely be causing him stress which none of us like but s particularly bad for a BPD sufferer, where emotions get magnified. They tend to react by extreme behaviour which to us can appear totally illogical and over-reactive.  They can simply get emotionally 'swamped' if too much is happening at once and they can withdraw, which hurts us as we want to be there for them but they don't see it like that. They react on instinct and can seem very uncaring and even nasty to us. This is their illness causing it.

From what I've read you seem to be a very caring and considerate person and I would just suggest that you continue in that way and try to be there for him, even if he's not giving you the reponse you're expecting. You need him to know you're there for him. but without being too protective or smothering, as this can trigger withdrawal. It's not easy to get the right balance, as we've all found.

Try not to take anything negative he says as personal. I know that's hard to do but BPD can make people say the most ridiculous and easily-disprovable things. They speak and act on their emotional state at the time and often their 'reality' exists only in their heads, not the real world.

Feel free to write more and keep us informed of what's happening. We're all on your side.

That's 100% the whole problem isn't it? If they think they're never at fault or the main contributors to the chaos it's impossible to get them to change their thoughts. My exBPD would never have gone to any kind of therapy because, in her own often-used words, she was doing nothing wrong while the whole world shi**ed on her all the time.

Trying to explain that the entire world can't be against her and she is the common denominator in all the life-long chaos with her family, workplace, friends, previous partners and me was just impossible.

Yet having said all that, some posters here say that their partner has actually acknowledged they have a problem and taken some responsibility. All well and good but of course once the BPD kicks in full flow they're back to their 'never at fault' thinking.

I hope things do improve for you, it's such a powerless feeling when we can't get through to them and make them see.

ACA is adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. There are meetings all over and online.

https://adultchildren.org/

Since you are religious, the original language in the program  "God of our own understanding" will be easy for you to work with. For atheists, they can adapt this to their own understanding but others can adapt this to their own religion.

The first 12 step program was alcoholics anonymous, aimed to help the alcoholic, but then it was recognized that alcoholism affects all family members and programs were created for them too. ACA then added family dysfunction as these situations in families have similar dynamics.

These are lay programs, and anyone can attend. When you go to a group, you will see people who are experienced and seem to have it together and others that may not. My advice if you go to meetings is to go to some, if there is more than one, try those. Get used to who is there. At some point, you will see that some people there seem to have experience with the program, seem to have it together, and are willing to sponsor people- then approach that person and ask if they can take you on.