One way to deal with it is to not expose yourself to the rages.  Of course, you can't always sense when they're about to start, but once they do then you can try to exit to give them time to calm down and reset.  Can you find a way to go to another room or exit without angering them more?

This is related to Boundaries which appear as a couple of topics on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.  There are other communication skills discussed there.  Some approaches such as JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) don't work well at all during an emotional ragefest since the other isn't usually responsive to logic.  Better skillsets are BIFF, SET, DEARMAN, etc.

PwBPD traits come in all varieties and intensities.  No doubt some are more responsive than others.  Those are the ones evidently who are willing to start and persist with the DBT sessions.  It obviously is evident too that here we seem to get a large number here of those who are resistant to improving themselves.  There are lots of lurkers and some who post briefly then disappear, so for those too we don't know their outcomes either.  What the overall proportions are, well, does it matter?  We deal with what is before us.

I think this is an important insight, and I came to a very similar conclusion myself.  On the one hand, I see it as a product of the victim mindset.  Several times I've posted here that I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless.  She views life as something happening TO her.  She thinks that others are abusing her and are the cause of her turmoil.  It's a sort of learned helplessness which keeps her stuck.  She lacks agency and purpose.  She's basically just surviving, killing time.

On the other hand, I see a fundamental identity confusion.  You mention "borrowing" an identity, and I've seen that happen with the pwBPD in my life.  I think that deep down, she is genuinely confused about who she is.  She doesn't really know what she wants, what she likes, what her hobbies are, what sort of life she wants to make for herself, let alone how to go about making things happen.  Without a clear view of who she is, she's listless, directionless, goalless.  Without the rigid structure and routines of grade school and high school imposed upon her, she became lost in college.  She doesn't really have a "vision" for her life, except for unrealistic expectations for others to give her things and over-function for her.  Maybe she'll glom onto something for a while if it seems fun--she'll declare herself an "influencer" or a "model"--but when she's not "discovered" right away, she gets frustrated.  A core issue for her is unrealistic expectations, by the way . . . maybe related to black-and-white thinking, for example that influencers have an easy life and became millionnaires overnight.

One time I sat with the pwBPD in my life and suggested she complete a questionnaire that is supposed to match talents and interests to potential jobs.  I said something like, "Just for fun, let's complete this survey to see what pops up.  It's anonymous and there are no right or wrong answers, just answer the first thing that comes to mind."  The questions were generic, like, Do you enjoy spending time outdoors?  Do you like making things with your hands?  Do you enjoy drawing? . . . and what was striking to me was that she seemed to have no clue.  I practically had to coach her about her likes ("What do you mean you don't like drawing?  You created an amazing painting for your room, I'd say that means you like drawing.  Are you sure you like speaking in front of a crowd?  You've told me many times that calling a stranger on the phone makes you anxious.")  It was almost scary to me that she seemed so confused about her likes and dislikes . . . and maybe identity confusion is central to BPD.  I mean, it must be terribly confusing to doubt who you are when it comes time to pick a major, pursue a career, decide where to live, pursue a relationship with a romantic partner . . . wracked with self-doubt, she must be wondering all the time what she wants to do . . . and that would be paralyzing, no?

And yet, eventually she settles on the identity of VICTIM.  She likes that one, because it explains how she feels constantly abused and bullied by life.  It's also a convenient excuse (How can I possibly function at work if I have PTSD from my abusive family . . . they messed me up, they OWE me).  She re-writes her entire life history to fit her victim narrative.  Then it's OK to treat people poorly, because she feels they deserve "punishment" for making her feel bad.  And since she typically has one or two enablers in her life (i.e. fearful parents), she gets away with it.  In fact, she embraces it, because the victim identity gets her all sorts of concessions and things she wants--money, housing, transportation, etc.  Does that sound about right?

Then I start to feel sorry for her, because I feel like my personality is the complete opposite.  I feel like I know exactly what I want, even if it's unconventional.  I'm generally optimistic--and I bet on myself all the time.  By that I mean, I set a goal and I pursue it with unwavering self-belief, and I'll invest time and resources to make it happen.  A small example of this is learning a new language . . . I've studied a little bit each day for around three years now.  Other examples are starting a business, moving abroad, pursuing challenging career goals, etc., all which take vision, patience and perseverance.  Anyway, my point is, all this arises out of deep-seated internal motivation, and I pull from that resource all the time to persevere when things get tough (which always happens).  But if a pwBPD doesn't have that vision and deep-seated motivation, then what sort of life will they create for themselves?  I guess a chaotic and not very fulfilling one.  And maybe since they don't have a vision, they're just focussed on getting through, day to day.  It's about surviving, not really thriving.  Make sense?

Congratulations on taking care of yourself! My mother with BPD had episodes of rage. I learned the hard way there was nothing I could do to prevent the episodes or to calm her down except get out of the way.

I agree with both Max and Horselover on this. But still, the major books on BPD all mention not enabling. Perhaps it's a mixed result. However perhaps some pwBPD are resistant to any intervention. The thing is- one doesn't know until they tried and it seems both of you have tried. It must have worked for some people or it wouldn't be suggested.

Nothing anyone did ever changed my BPD mother. I wondered if it was because there wasn't therapy for BPD available in her younger years, or if BPD wasn't a known thing yet, or due to my father's enabling.

So why is it that some people choose to stay and keep the current dynamic and others don't, or leave? I don't know that either. I don't mean this to be critical but the "stuck" seems to apply to both partners in that, nothing also changes their mind about staying the course- not the pwBPD's behavior, not advice, and not counseling.

When I left home for college, I knew there were issues with my mother but I had no real clue about all that was going on. I also didn't go home again, except for school breaks, holidays, visits. BPD mother could hold it together for shorter times. I had no idea.

But then, in his elder years, my father got ill and could not keep up his level of enabling. As one might predict, BPD mother's behavior escalated. I walked into this with intentions of helping- from a non dysfunctional perspective of what I thought things would be, and did not expect the emotional whirlwind it was.

But nothing I could do would make any difference for either of them. It was going to go the way it went. I did find the information on boundaries and not enabling to be helpful to me, personally. But again, it's a personal choice.

This is a MASSIVE insight that everyone seems to overlook.  We think, if we can just find the right strategy, then we can "solve" mental illness for our partner and everything will be perfect.  Yet none of us ever have accomplished that long-term.

A BPDs problem is mental illness...it's not their spouse, their parents, their boss, or their kids.  Likewise, it's not their hobbies, their bank account, the stuff in their home, or their car.  They might complain about that stuff, sure, but the reason they're complaining is because they're off-balance mentally and emotionally.

So please catch this- their "problem" is how their mind processes information when they're emotionally dysregulated.  That means the problem is not you, it's not what you're fighting about, and not any of the things they say or do.  The real problem is how they think when they're not okay, and they're not okay most of the time because of self-inflicted mental wounds.

Yes, take what you learned when considering a future relationship, and even in other relationships. Someone's behavior can be hurtful, no matter what their motive is. We don't have to normalize it. We can choose the qualities in someone we consider getting closer to. Nobody is perfect but we can look for communication skills, the ability to be accountable, and how they respond to conflict. Most people can be on their best behavior when first meeting someone. It's when the relationship progresses that we learn more about them.

It's not only in romantic relationships. There are disordered people in the workplace, in friend groups, and families. We can pay attention to our own feelings. Are we anxious around them? Walking on eggshells? Frequently sad? Some forms of relationships are unavoidable- like someone we have to work with, or a relative, so we have to learn to have boundaries with them and still have a cordial relationship to the extent possible. However, for someone who is single as you are, you can be discerning about who to become romantically involved with- next time there's a possibility. Your ex is in the past, so what you have learned could be valuable to you.

Maxsterling, I think you're really onto something. You've described a phenomenon that I have noticed, but couldn't really capture in words. The idea that people with BPD seem to have a different internal motivation system than non-disordered adults, and don't seem to change one way or the other regardless of what you do. This is exactly what I have been grappling with, and it is something I can't seem to wrap my head around or come to terms with, no matter how hard I try.

I've been married to my BPD husband now for almost 5 years. The first year or two were spent trying to figure out what in the world was wrong with him, and also engaging in the constant cycle of calm, losing it, apology etc. When he would have a tantrum and become completely illogical, I would respond in the only way I knew how at that time. I would argue back and try to show him the logic - I rarely raised my voice the way he did  - that's just not something in me to do. But I was very engaged in the argument and responding back.  In the past three years, I came to understand a lot more about his mental health issue and moved towards much stronger boundaries. For myself, not for him. I moved out of the house and went to live with my parents with our young children. I stopped engaging in the chaos - removed myself every single time he escalated and stopped trying to argue with his lack of logic. I also tried being encouraging and loving when he is calm and spending quality time together as a family.

In the past five months, after a big blow up, I decided to try a new strategy - an "experiment" of sorts. Leave him be and let him fix the mess he created instead of helping him to repair it. Even though I backed off for myself, not to change him, I guess a little part of me was hoping that he would rise to the challenge when he saw I really wasn't going to rescue him. For five months now, he has done nothing productive to fix it! He hasn't seen me or the kids, whom he really does love (well whatever love means, sometimes I wonder about that, but I digress). He sends letters to them and to me saying things like "I miss you" or "Here is a postcard of a boat. I hope you like the picture." But he has not taken any action to take control of the situation, it's almost like he is a completely helpless child. He is even in weekly therapy, so I have no idea what they are working on or talking about.

So what is my point in all this? Nothing I have done has made any difference! Maybe that's too strong of a statement, as he probably does have more insight and self-awareness since we got married and a little more self-control. But what you described as the flawed internal motivation system remains unchanged in him. It's like we have completely different goals in life - I keep wanting to put our family together and figuring out how to do that, while his goal is "it's not my fault." Now it sounds funny to say that is a goal, but seriously I think it is. When we would have conversations in the past about what went wrong and how to move forward so we could have a stable family unit, all he could ever focus on is that he didn't do anything wrong, or he has a right to have a voice, or he did something wrong, but I also did something wrong etc. And I just can't wrap my head around why he is so stuck.

The advice on enabling is also a theme in most books on BPD, so I don't think it was ever intended to cause self blame, and yet, it's insightful to see this impact, because, maybe that is how my father reacted too if we brought it up and it wasn't really our business to do so, but it was also puzzling to see the dynamics when we were older and naively trying to help. By participating on the relationship board, I have gotten more insight into their situation.

If the enabling stops, there will likely be a reaction- an extinction burst. It does take a lot of emotional energy to withstand that. It also takes a lot of emotional energy to continue to enable, so really, the choice becomes about your own stress level.

The rage episodes are all too familiar. Congratulations on your ability to not get upset yourself. Would be great to break down for yourself what you did that worked and be ready to continue using it when needed.