Thanks for responding, this means a lot. My husband is in therapy but is right now switching to a different therapist because he feels like his problems come from his adhd. My therapist is just trying to make me see that he is abusive and deal with that. I worry she does not quite understand the subtleties of this disorder even though in her opinion it is more than adhd and most likely Bpd. In any case, in her opinion I should take care of myself and the kids and not engage in the abuse. My trouble with that is that whenever I try to just be boring and not engage, he just escalates and escalates until it becomes too scary to not give in: “this a choice your making, this now means you are ending our marriage, etc”. The few times I tried to stop responding altogether to his chats he felt like I am abandoning him and threatened to drive the car into our living room then threw the car keys into the bushes and we searched for them for months. His mother’s recent visit seems to have activated his disregulation and yesterday and today he was adamant that we should divorce because I don’t care about him. Sometimes we have a month of getting along but recently every other day he is fighting and says I ruined his life, am a monster, toxic, cold, etc.

That's completely normal, my friend, and none of this is intuitive.  It's okay to feel lost or scared, we all felt that too.  It's an impossible situation an there are no easy answers.

A few things to keep in mind as you try to gain your footing over the next few weeks:

1)  This is not your fault.  You didn't do anything to cause this and despite what your wife says, this isn't on you at all.

2)  This is not your wife's fault.  She's sick, just like her mom is mentally sick at the moment.  Try to be patient right now while also taking time as you need it.

3)  Things may get worse before they get better.  Why?  Things have to change to give the relationship a chance, and your wife will not want change.  Look back at the first two points though and really understand them.  This is a sickness and the way past it is learning to communicate in a different way.  It will be frustrating at first but you can get there in time.

Please keep posting and asking questions- we have your back whenever you need to talk!

Thank you all, everyone’s input has been helping me self-reflect and think clearly.  For months I have been semi isolated, afraid to reach out not seeking therapy to save money.  Everything came very clear on what was happening to me in the last three weeks. I do use to “me” because at this point I am hurt, angry, scared and don’t want my son to be mistreated.

I am reflecting back and my Wife has been through a lot of trauma in her life.  She is the one that helped me to get a good therapist and get EMDR treatment for a loss of a sibling in 2005.  Stresses for her have recently accrued for her and symptoms have increased.  Her mother is very mentally sick with hospitalizations.  As our son got older, her mother became less available.  Now that I think about she lost one of her biggest support system.

Right now I am reading what you all have said and I need to work on forgiveness and moving forward.  As of now I have been in protection mode and questioning everything, mostly if she truly loves me and wanted to have a child together to only to “trap” me further. Am I sure if I love her. If I am strong enough to deal with this; quality of life. A lot has been running through my head.

Next time ... you will be more aware that your mother's perceptions often do not match objective reality, and worse, can do lasting harm to others.

My own thoughts are that you would do well to call the company back, withdraw that any complaint was lodged, and ensure that no lasting record was made against the two workers.

Hi there,

I think it's great that your wife is getting DBT.  I know there's a stigma with BPD, but I also think there doesn't necessarily have to be.  The way I see it, BPD is a collection of thoughts and coping mechanisms that are human to the core--moodiness, impulsivity, anger, feelings of emptiness and hopelessness, thoughts of suicide, negative thinking, avoidance, anxiety, some paranoia, potential substance abuse.  I think most people experience intense emotions from time to time, especially under stress.  In my opinion, it's just that with BPD, emotions run on the extreme end of the spectrum, and are felt with such frequency and intensity that they act out on the feelings, which adversely affects their life and relationships.  It's as if they have a hair-trigger, trauma-like, fight-or-flight response, much of the time.  With BPD, when emotions are running high, the logical part of the brain is completely hijacked, and the consequences of acting out won't be considered.  Emotional responses seem to be "desperate"--dire, urgent, hopeless, rash, furious, impulsive, extreme.  Hence the potential for dysfunction in daily life, and possibly the realization that they need to get some professional help to address it.

The way I see it, DBT doesn't necessarily have to be framed as a treatment for BPD.  It could be framed as learning skills to help cope with traumas.  That's shorthand for dealing with intense emotions, tolerating distress, overcoming traumatic experiences, improving interpersonal relationships and moving forward.  My opinion is that almost everyone could benefit by learning these sort of skills.  After all, emotional control is not taught in school, and typically not taught at home, either.  It so happens that the pwBPD in my life embraced the notion of getting extra help to overcome past traumas with DBT.  You see, it validated her notion that she was traumatized by life, and it was consistent with her general victim perspective. 

Anyway, if your spouse is embracing DBT, that's great news in my opinion.  It could mean she recognizes there's some dysfunction in her life, and she's taking active steps to address that.  That's all very positive.  Now, it's true that pwBPD tend to see things in a negative light, and they feel intense shame.  That's probably why having a BPD "label" could be extremely upsetting.  That could be why some doctors are reluctant to diagnose BPD in the first place.  I suspect that most patients don't like receiving the diagnosis, either.

Anyway, DBT is the gold standard for treating BPD.  Even better, BPD is treatable with therapy, provided that the patient is committed to making some positive changes.  By the way, the pwBPD in my life really turned her life around with therapy.  Though she still struggles and hasn't repaired some relationships yet, my guess is that she probably wouldn't strictly qualify for a BPD diagnosis anymore.  My guess is that she's in "remission."  Sure, she still has intense feelings, but her coping skills look healthier today in my opinion, and her life looks much less dysfunctional.

Agree 1000% with this observation.  I think that many times, pwBPD misread situations, even their own emotions.  With a deeply ingrained victim attitude, most of the time, pwBPD blame others for "causing" their ill feelings.  And since they are overwhelmed, they walk around life feeling "traumatized" by ordinary situations.  A visit by an arborist could feel overwhelming--not only interrupting the day, but potentially bringing some unexpected news she can't handle (e.g. costly, urgent or complicated work needed to treat some plants).  She could have been mad that Einstein "abandoned" her and made her attend to the arborists all by herself!  A vacation could trigger feelings of abandonment, as well as plain jealousy ("It's unfair they leave me here all alone while they're having fun, and I never get to do anything fun . . . They are popular and I have no friends . . . Life's unfair, I hate it, they should be punished for making me feel this way . . . ").  Sickness, especially grave sickness, could consume her with worry about disruption to her life, making her testy and moody every day.  With her black-and-white thinking, she can't contextualize, she can't see through temporary discomfort or setbacks, she has zero capacity for empathy for others.  Her needs are NOT being met, and she is compelled to act out on them, to let you know she's NOT OK with anybody making her feel bad, and you better do something to FIX it, or be punished for it.  She perceives her life to be miserable, and she could be determined to take you down with her, by "punishing" you.

You know the saying, misery likes company?  I think that with BPD, misery likes miserable company.

Many here in peer support, myself included, never learned of a diagnosis of BPD or other personality disorder.  There can be various reasons for this lack of knowledge.

• A person has a right not to seek out or be forced to use mental health resources.
• Some countries have privacy laws for patients, privacy even from spouses.
• Therapists or counselors may choose not to offer a diagnosis, being aware that identifying such a label may make the patient more likely to resist further therapy.

So what we can do is to be aware of the behavior patterns, consider whether they fit certain disorders, and ponder the various ways to deal with those behaviors in time-tested ways.

We are advocates of Boundaries, but with a twist.  Since people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to resist boundaries, we therefore can choose to make our own Boundaries are for us, not for the other but for us, which is how we respond to poor behavior.  That perspective is not intuitive but it works more or less.  Family court's version of boundaries are named "orders".

As an example, the other person may start ranting, raging, blaming us, making demands, virtually taunting us to respond similarly.  However, we can have a clearly stated Boundary that we won't sit by as a willing target, appeaser or whipping boy.  Rather, one possible response is that we can decide to exit and go elsewhere such as to the park, to a restaurant or the supermarket, stating we will return.  That gives the other time to reset.  Will it work?  Perhaps not so much at first.  Hopefully over time at least part of our boundary will become the normal and accepted policy.

Hi Trony and welcome to the family!  I am so sorry you're going through this and I wish there was one magic phrase I could share that would make everything okay.  Unfortunately, there's not because this is a process that both of you need to work through.

First off, is your husband in therapy at all?  What's he doing to deal with the mental health aspects?  And what about you- have you considered therapy to learn better ways to deal with this?

For your husband's part, he feels immense shame and frustration for struggling so often.  He sees himself as a burden and instead of making adjustments, he gets so caught up in his own emotions that he lashes out at those closest to him (you). 

So please understand, when he's blaming you for not making enough time, it's because you "make him feel better" when things are going well.  But when he's off, and you don't magically fix things, then he blames you for something that has absolutely nothing at all to do with you.

The only person who can "fix" your husband is your husband.  That's not your job or anyone else's.  He has to want it though and be willing to work with a therapist until he's in a better position to deal with those overflowing feelings.  Until then, there's nothing anyone can do...it has to start with him.

For the boundary part you mentioned, what have you tried?  Hopefully you realize that boundaries are for you and you alone.  For instance, if I decide that I'm not going to argue anymore and someone starts an argument, it's up to me to enact the proper boundary for myself.  That could mean walking away.  That could be staying silent.  That could be changing the conversation entirely or showing compassion and asking what is really going on.  Or I can yell back. 

Regardless of what I do though, the boundary only works if I stick to it to avoid being in situations that I no longer wish to be in.

And when someone is used to arguing and complaining about everything, of course they're not going to like it when I refuse to participate.  The boundary doesn't "fix things" and of course others push back.  That's expected even when mental illness is not involved.  Again, it's simply there for me- if you yell, I'm trying to calm you down and then walking away 100% of the time.

Does that make sense?

Einstein,
It might help you to learn what you can about "flying monkeys", people who enable the smear campaign of other disordered individuals. My hat is off to you in that you checked out your mother's story and did not become her "flying monkey". So many people become "flying monkeys" because they automatically believe the lies they are told about another person and are enlisted to make the life miserable of the victim on a long term basis. You saw through pretty quickly what you mother was doing. Now you know you really can't believe what she tells you without checking out her story first.

I completely understand.  In your case (and everyone's, really), your partner was/is sick and not realizing how much chaos they're creating around them.  Why?  Because their focus is inward, on the mental health that's crushing them at every turn.  It deserves sympathy and compassion for sure, but at the same time that doesn't mean we need to remain in the middle of the storm with them.

Looking back, I had no idea how much my relationship had changed over the years and how much of my life I spent waiting on things to feel normal again.  The answer now is so clear- it would never have been normal without some serious work on both our parts. 

I couldn't do that work alone though, we both had to contribute equally to have a solid relationship.  And my ex just wasn't capable then.  I hope things are better now, but I wouldn't know because that's not the center of my world anymore.  The storm has truly passed.

You'll feel differently in time- sometimes you'll go back to "what ifs", other times you'll be angry or sad.  And that's fine, feel the emotions and process them.  That's how we learn to truly let go and move on to the next thing.