Thank you both so much. I can't tell you how much your perspectives are helping me through this. I am proud of how I approached the conversation, owning my own feelings and needs with a firm boundary on us needing to work together, but also listening to her with love and compassion. Instead of reciprocating, she dredged up more accusations. I didn't react with anger, just reassured her those were not signs of me abandoning her.

Normally, my system gets flooded in these emotional times with her, but I kept your tips in mind and stayed calm, focusing on my feelings, needs, and mental health instead of rushing to accommodate hers. She's not used to me holding my boundaries, so when I wouldn't budge on therapy, that's when she said she had to go. But you're right, she has a lot to think about, and none of it was mean or unkind.

I felt stronger than ever afterward, regardless of what happens to the relationship. I keep hearing Pook's advice: "You're actually making a shift in the relationship without realizing it." I'd gotten so lost in this relationship that it felt normal to just navigate her behavior, feelings, and needs, but I've got to step out of caregiver mode to be a healthy, happy person, with or without a relationship. That is freeing.

Follow your gut; there's no wrong move here.  If you need more time, then take it.

I do also have a big problem with overfunctioning. I pay the bills, do most of the house work, do the cooking. And human brain is not very good at being in tune with absolute levels, so I dont usually get appreciation for carrying the household on daily basis, but get slammed if I fall behind on anything. Which builds a lot of resentment. Knowing that stress is what usually triggers this in her, Ive spent years trying to get ahead of it and trying to resolve things she'll find stressful, but she just finds other smaller things to get upset about and find a way to label how somehow this problem was at least partially caused by me, sometimes requiring extreme mental gymnastics. And I fail to just switch to BPD partner mode, try to rationalize this situation which obviously doesn't work, get torn down, spend hours trying to rebuild myself back up and the circle of resentment continues. And this circle makes me withdraw more from her in daily interractions, probably triggers fear of abandonment in her, and the cycle repeats...

Great advice, thanks to both of you.

When I talked about becoming overwhelmed, I was referring to the argument more specifically- using disrespectful language, yelling, slamming doors etc, especially when I'm holding the baby. Ive told her many times when she's calm how awful these things make me feel, and they get weaponized against me when she's in the midst of one of these episodes, which happens more than daily these days.

I do take my health very seiously - I think without having daily physical exercise as an outlet I dont know how I would've survived. But you are right that my mental health is suffering from this, I end up in very destructive loops sometimes filled with negative and sometimes self destructive thoughts, which is why I urgently think I need to find myself a good therapist.

I think one big mental lock for me is the feeling of injustice in these interractions - any real or perceived wrong doing from my side has to always be punished 10x, after which I'm supposed to just apologize and then she'll move on, often without reciprocating or accepting any responsibility. Ultimately I undertake that expecting this to ever be balanced during the episodes is a foolish thought that doesnt serve me well, and I should probably just accept that world is not a just place and while I can do my best to treat people with dignity, I can only protect myself against people who do the opposite to me, I cant change them.

During non stressful periods, and towards people other than me or her family (or outside people who get on her nerves when she feels wronged), she is still the warm and wonderful person that I first fell in love with. And she does take her role as a mother seriously and has shown our baby nothing but love. Becoming a father has been the absolute best thing in my life, and I couldn't imagine a life where I'm not able to see our baby grow up.

And thank you for reminding me of JADE - Ive read about this before, but ultimately almost all serious blow ups are a result of me failing to abort the conversation early and engaging in any of these behaviors.

Thank you. This is all great advice. I totally agree that being the plaintiff would be a more comfortable position to be in.
Given the fact that we haven’t had any communication since this last episode, I really don’t know what she could be thinking or feeling. I am actually quite surprised that she hasn’t contacted me.
Typically, I would try to make contact after a few days if I hadn’t heard from her. While there is a strong urge to do that now, I am reluctant because I do feel as if I am gaining more clarity by the day. I am a bit torn as to whether or not I should reach out. 

For BPD, feelings equal facts. 

If I say, "Hey Big Mac, what do you like about me?"  You reply with, "I don't know, I guess you're a good enough person."  I'd probably laugh and think Mac just can't express his emotions.  But with your BPD partner, they'd hear that and think that you've never cared about them, you're just using them until someone better comes along, and you are verbally abusive.

So let's talk about why you love your partner.  Be vulnerable- what do you actually like about them?

- Are they kind, loyal, dependable?
- Are they thoughtful and considerate?
- Do they make any aspect your life easier?  If yes, what?
- Do they stand up for you to others?
- Do you have kids?  If so, how are they with the kids?
- Do they cook meals?  Clean the house?  Organize the pantry?
- Do they have a job?  Do they contribute to finances?
- Are they loving and affectionate?
- Is your partner good looking?  Does she dress well?  Does she turn heads?
- Does your partner show up for you when you need help?
- Does your partner do things for you 'just because'?

As you can see, there's a million things you can compliment someone over and it doesn't take that much thought to come up with a list of 5-10 things that you really appreciate.  For instance, my BPD ex was almost always smiling, always positive.  Her smile made me smile, even when I was having a bad day.  Another thing, if we ate somewhere and I really loved what we ordered, she'd try her best to re-make that at home.  Usually, the failed spectacularly...but she tried for me and that meant a lot.

Find a few things you genuinely appreciate, it's worth the time and effort.

To counter Forever's point, you haven't talked for several days and your partner is in mental crisis.  The blame was 100% expected because she had two options- blame you or admit that she has some serious problems within.  Although it didn't go well, at least she heard you and it's given her things to think about.

I do agree with his points though, these relationships are so hard to repair long-term when a partner with mental illness begins to spiral.  Any conversations in the next little bit will likely be similar to what you just went through.  It's part of the process and it is incredibly sad.

Remember, this is the time to focus on what's best for you.  The relationship will work out or it will fail, and that's largely outside of your control.  But if you find yourself once again and begin to make healthy choices, then you're going to walk away from this a winner no matter what.  The prize is not the relationship; it never was.  The prize is getting back to a healthy, balanced life where you're not constantly under stress and worry.

A lack of assets generally makes the divorce fairly simple.  Mine took about 2 years as well (it was late COVID so the courts were very back logged) but we managed to split up assets civilly.  Like you, there wasn't much- household items, furniture, stuff.  We also had a home to sell, but even that was pretty straightforward and you don't have that issue.

In my state, I filed for a non-contested divorce where we both signed paperwork, submitted it to the courts, and saw a judge for the final ruling.  I did it all myself because again, there was little to fight over.  Why argue about stuff that's worth 5-10k and pay lawyers 10-20k?  I'd rather her take everything she wanted, and by taking that route she softened quite a bit.  I didn't want the fight, I just wanted the divorce so we could both move on. 

For me, it worked.  For many others here, it didn't.  So I'd say that a lawyer consult is critical at a minimum.

This is in the "conflicted" category, so let's briefly talk about the other side of this.  When you approach her to get your stuff, you'll likely have some level of conversation.  I can tell that a part of you wants to run, and a part of you wants to stay.  That's completely normal and most of us felt that. 

Try to have that civil conversation and talk our your needs, your feelings.  Maybe that changes something, maybe not.  The next few conversations would be the time to express that without fear.  Worst case scanerio, it goes badly and you walk away.  But you've already walked away and you've felt better because of it.  So there's nothing to lose and everything to gain in this situation.  Either she makes meaningful change or she doesn't.  I'd advise to pursue that path anyway, wear your heart on your sleeve for 30 minutes, and tell her what actually matters to you and how you've felt.

It will either give you closure or open the door to potential reconciliation.  Both are positive options.

The common wisdom is that it doesn't matter which spouse files first.  In your case, without any custody/parenting issues to blow issues out of proportion, that may be true.  No one can predict in advance.  However, the fact is she has raised the level of conflict by involving the police.

I often write that it was so astounding how my ex could be such an aggressive purported "victim".  In our case, we had a young preschooler and the divorce was all about custody/parenting.  The allegations and vitriol were horrible and endless.  The divorce process took a couple years.  So for me it was different... I felt better by knowing that I was the Plaintiff and my disordered but undiagnosed ex was the Defendant.

If you haven't started interviewing experienced attorneys, then now is the time to do so.  You need to know where you stand on a multitude of legal matters.  Laws and procedures vary from one state to another, even from one county to another.  It's far better to know where you stand rather than guess.

Now, there is a real difference between repairing a relationship (where you share information tom rebuild trust) and ending a relationship (where you restrict what you choose to share so that such information cannot be used to sabotage you).  Your lawyer would agree with that wise stance.

You may feel you need to be overly "fair" and must share with your soon-to-be ex (stbEx).  While that sense of fairness is likely strong with you, as it is with many of us here, beware.  You already know that your desire for fairness won't be reciprocated by your spouse.  As the old saying goes, "Loose lips sink ships."  Whenever in doubt whether to share any new information, consult your lawyer, therapist or even peer support here.

That was your reality check.  Quite sad but not unexpected.

Overall, I've come to a conclusion which so many have come to as well... We can spend so much time and effort in our efforts to turn around our close relationship with a person who too often sabotages close relationships when they put too much weight to emotional feelings and resist facts.

They too often simply won't or can't get past the baggage of the relationship to truly listen to us.  But... they might be receptive to a therapist who is both experienced and yet does not have a close emotional relationship with them.  If therapy starts, continues and is meaningfully applied in life, perceptions and thinking... progress is possible.  If not, then... it may be time to cut your losses.