In my experience, attempting to be NC with a disordered person didn't help them or the relationship. There's also the reactions from other family members who are part of the family system of behaviors.

I also think how someone uses NC can be emotionally healthy or not. It was actually BPD mother who would do the silent treatment/NC briefly as part of her push-pull behavior. For me, if someone goes no contact with me, it feels punitive. If there's a conflict with someone, I prefer to work things out- but with pwBPD that may not be possible.

I think there are some situations where NC is the best choice and it's for the person going NC, not the relationship. When a relationship is truly over- like someone is dating someone, they break up, they don't have any ties. If continued contact is impacting one's emotional recovery- NC is helpful.

NC is a choice when contact with the person is emotionally hurtful to the person. I mentioned in another thread that a counselor had recommended that to me. The advice to try NC was not to make the relationship better but to give me some emotional space.

I agree with not saying something to the other person. It causes a reaction in them, and other family members. Your sister has BPD but it's possible other family members are enablers and will react too. If you still want to have contact with these family members- consider them in the decision. I tried do what the counselor suggested but contact with my father included her too and I didn't want to go NC with him. Then there's family events. If you go see your parents at holidays, likely your sister will be there too.

It's BPD mother for whom NC was done in a disordered way. She was angry at the time my father passed away and told her friends and family to not speak to me. This caused a period of estrangement. Yet still there were some family events where I'd see them. It was so awkward. For BPD mother, this was a part of her push pull behavior. NC didn't help or change her but it affected the relationship with extended family members.

I think NC is appropriate when relationships are so toxic that one goes NC with their FOO for their own protection. I think in some cases, it's the right and necessary decision. However, if the goal is to have some emotional boundaries while maintaining family ties, I think the better choice is LC- less emotion, less contact, and less drama, and also to not say anything to anyone, just a decision on your own.

Is BPD real? Sometimes I'm still confused about whether it's real or not, because why do many articles also show that normal men will also do the same thing. Is it true, when I ask for attention, he takes it as criticism and he thinks that my request makes him look bad, which then makes him even more distant as a defense mechanism?

Why is he always so nice to everyone and not to me who clearly knows that I am the person he should value. Why is he so afraid to approach me and looks so mean?

And they say that people with BPD are afraid of being abandoned, but I don't see that in my husband.

He's not the type of guy who chases women. At the beginning of our relationship, he was extremely afraid of being abandoned or of me leaving him. But as time went on and we experienced more and more conflict, I felt his fear of being abandoned begin to fade. In fact, he became more withdrawn, and I felt the distance between us growing more apparent. Did he really not want to be with me anymore?

Please Advice

After two years, I've reopened this forum. And it turns out there's been a response. Thank you, and once again, I apologize for the late response.

Thank You for Responses…


I'm still with my husband, who has untreated BPD. I'm still the same, just asking for his time. But he's increasingly immersed in his work. Because he's often abroad, we mostly communicate via WhatsApp. This WhatsApp connection leads to numerous misunderstandings, especially with his black-and-white thinking. Is it true that when I ask for attention, he takes it as criticism and judges me as terrible, which leads to him distancing himself further as a defense mechanism?

My daughter was in treatment from early teenage years through her early 20's, and nothing changed because my kid didn't try to change.  She used appointments to complain about others and talk through her feelings, without taking any accountability.  Maybe these sessions made her feel validated, but they weren't moving her towards getting better because she viewed her problems as external.

Around 23, she had a relationship fall apart largely due to her own mistakes.  Long story short, she was best friends with her partner's best friend and eventually professed her love for that person.  It did not go well and it ruined her relationship with the partner and the best friend.  She spent several weeks in a mental institution and for the first time in her life, she realized that the problems were within.  And she hated it so much that she finally started working on how to change that.

Over the next year, she went through DBT with a focus on how it applies to her life.  She already knew all this stuff from the previous decade, but always felt like it didn't apply to her and she only needed to say what a therapist wanted to hear.  This time though, she wanted actual change because she was tired of having her heart broken.  It led to us reconciling and a whole lot changed very quickly...once she was actually ready for it.

At 27, my kid is still sick.  However, she has the tools to actively realize when she's in a bad place and she'll reach out for appropriate help.  She can also talk out her problems a lot more directly these days, which makes a huge difference all by itself.  There are still occasionally terrible days but they're a lot less often and tend to pass much faster without a trip to a facility.  She's been hospitalized just once in the past three years and that was voluntary inpatient for a few days.


That sounds like a good plan since he is ultimately accountable for the planning and the follow through.  I'm not sure if I would tell the kids though until the day of the meeting to temper expectations.


If he's in a disordered state, that's not the time to talk about anything serious (especially household purchases) since he's not fully grasping what would be involved.  I remember my BPD ex wife used to get nervous/depressed/whatever and say, "We need a beach trip, let's pack up and go to the beach for the week!"  And I'd plan a beach trip, regardless if we could afford it or not.  That's a really bad strategy for dealing with mental health and it ensured that we stayed in hopeless debt across our entire marriage.

The better goal in those situations would be to let them come to the conclusion that buying a couch today is logistically impossible.  Where will we get it?  How will we pay for it?  How will we get it home?  They can't find these answers without calming down and thinking logically.  Maybe it brings them out of their manic mindset.


Those are your needs in terms of your husband's needs.  Forget about him for a moment.  What do you need?  What makes you feel fulfilled and at peace?  It could be anything from visiting friends/family to taking a pottery class or taking a daily walk in the park with the kids (or without the kids, this is about you!). 

Whether you fully reconcile or divorce, your physical/mental needs should be a priority regardless.  The more you find you, the easier it will be to let go of stress, have a healthy outlook, and deal with the problems in your marriage.  Your husband's problems will always be there in some capacity, so that can't define what you need because that's a life with zero control. 

Wantmorepeace,

You sound familiar with  the concept of BIFF so you may know it was Bill Eddy, an author, attorney and therapist, who came up with the concept and acronym. His books on dealing with  disordered people (he calls them high conflict people ) are recommended at this website.

I first ran across BIFF in 2017 when I was desperate to communicate with my stbx disordered husband during our divorce. I bought his book and it didn't work to calm him down.

I read something like the linked article below by Bill Eddy on  BIFF and difficult family members about  2019/2020. I decided to try it on my dBPD mother hoping it would work and it didn't.

https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-communications-for-estranged-families/

My relationships with these two were closer than a relationship I have with a sibling. They both were very loud and aggressive people who were very good at controlling others. They felt they had a lot invested in me and weren't keen with my being an independent person.

I agree with CC43 that you don't want to explain why you are distancing yourself, especially in a friendly and brief manner. In my life, it made for circular, pointless arguments (aka word salad) from the pwBPD.  This is a defense for when they feel threatened they are losing you forever. It 's a theme which was always there with these two. Like most BPD they are terrified of abandonment and will do anything and everything to stop it. Not calling it out and gingerly stepping away do not trigger meltdowns and tantrums as a rule.

Honestly, I am not sure until I speak to my mother about it. I am not sure how she will react when I talk to her about how I am feeling. I don't know what her reaction is going to be just yet and I am so scared to have that conversation. My fiance and my friends I have spoken to about this all tell me that in order to keep my peace and mental well being that it would be best to just not have contact at all. My thing is that I am fine with having no contact if we can still be civil and she wont try to take our parents from me and make me the bad guy, which is a very big possibility. They live in close proximity to each other and she has a lot of influence on my mom right now and looooves to make me and my fiance look bad. The poor man has done nothing but try to be nice and build a family, show them respect and that he can be an amazing husband to their daughter and I dont see it being reciprocated at all.

Edited to take our recognizable detail.... Really struggling with my UDS son and his pwBPD soon to be wife.
She emailed to cut contact for both of them - before their wedding. But he has had issues with unhealthy relationships for years. It has been a decade of chaos.
My spouse and I are doing well now, therapy and the peace of no contact. I do wonder if it will be possible to find a positive way forward with them in the future. 

Hi Wantmorepeace,

Your name says a lot.  Since you're talking about a sibling (I'm guessing a sister), you've had to deal with BPD behaviors for most of your life, correct?  My guess is that you're tired of the negativity, the drama, the false accusations, the blaming, the endless strife, the grievances from decades ago, the toxicity.  My other guess is that you're sick of a family dynamic where parents or other family members are enabling your sibling's behaviors while expecting you to be the bigger person and put up with it all.  Basically they want you to take the negativity, which is damaging to you.  And yet you feel guilty, because you want to love your family and make everyone happy.  Does that sound about right?

A period of no contact would be for YOU.  That way, you would get a break from the negativity and get back to your normal self.  My guess is you want some peace, right?

I'd advise, if you need a break, take it.  Don't explain yourself, just do it, because you deserve it.  Get busy living your best life.  Now maybe your relatives will try to meddle and urge you to contact your sibling--that sort of thing happens to me sometimes.  I think I might say something noncommittal, like "Maybe later."  But I'd underscore, you don't have to justify yourself.  They shouldn't be meddling in the first place.  This is between you and your sibling, and you are entitled to take a break if your sibling is too negative/disruptive/needy/accusatory/dramatic/volatile.  You are NOT responsible for your sibling's emotional welfare.  If the family pesters you further, then you could say that:  "I'm not responsible for my sibling's emotional welfare / I couldn't fix their life even if I wanted to / My sibling's problem is not my problem / I'm sure they can handle things themselves / I don't want to meddle."

As for the BIFF formula of communication, I think it can help in interacting with a high-conflict person, though it's probably best suited for written correspondence.  An example might be with ex-spouses, who need to correspond regularly about logistics regarding children and visitation.  BIFF stands for brief (as short as possible), informative (sticking to facts), friendly (cordial and respectful) and firm (leaving little room for debate).  In other words, you avoid emotional content, and you stick to business.

However, if you are thinking about using BIFF to explain why you want to go no contact, I think that probably isn't a good idea.  Why?  Because your emotional state--feeling traumatized / tired / exasperated / guilty / dragged down--is not a business topic, it's personal.  Personal issues don't belong in BIFF communications in my opinion.  Explaining why you need space and getting into details would sound more like JADE to me.  JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain, which we learn on these boards is to be avoided with pwBPD when they are dysregulated.

In person, I think BIFF might look like treating your sibling as you might a colleague you don't particularly like, but you have to get along together to get your work done.  You could be cheerful (i.e. friendly)--"Good morning.  Nice to see you." You could be respectful--"Thanks for coming."  But you don't offer any revealing personal details, and you stay neutral emotionally.  You keep everything professional.  To continue the analogy, as a business executive, you're BUSY.  You need to wrap things up quickly so you can get back to your life as soon as possible.  If you keep visits and phone calls short and sweet, there's less possiblity for drama or a meltdown.  This might sound like, "Sibling, I'm in a rush, nice talking to you, bye."  By the way, "I'm in a rush" is my go-to excuse.  It works because there's no personal information there, but it's true, and everyone can relate.  Alas, my "in a rush" is usually to get to the bathroom, but people don't need to know that . . . my point is, less is more here.

Hi thankful person, good to see you.

That awareness you’re describing, especially noticing the discomfort instead of reacting to it, is a big shift. It may not feel like it, but that’s the work.

A simple next step is just staying with it a little longer each time, without fixing or people-pleasing right away.

If you want to share, what does that discomfort feel like in your body when it shows up?

Hi bpdUDS, just checking in on you.

You were carrying a lot here, especially with the wedding situation and stepping back from the chaos. That’s not an easy place to land as a parent.

If you’re up for it, how have things been since then? Has anything shifted with your son, or more on your side in how you’re handling it?