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Just a follow-up. We are on vacation in confined quarters, trying to sightsee and do fun things we both enjoy, but for no apparent reason (just a thought or memory she had, probably), she got triggered this morning and it lasted the whole day. Today included ongoing themes of how I scapegoat her, how I am a narcissist who needs constant validation, how I need to heal my inner child, my (undiagnosed) autism, and several more. But today she added “my abuse and control pattern,” how I am a psychopath (!! Yes, you read that right!!), and how I have trauma bonded her to me. She read many articles to me, frequently pausing to see if I understood correctly. At one point she said “as long as I’m the only one feeling pain, nothing changes!” This is how she justifies her reactive abuse.
There is no satisfactory response to this. She wants me to react in a way that shows I’m in pain, but if I do, the emotions displayed lead to escalation. If I don’t react, it escalates. Of course, JADEing escalates it rapidly. The best I can do, apparently the least wrong response, is validate her pain, gray rock as much as I can, and let her know that I’m listening and that I care. There’s really no way in today’s circumstances for me to politely walk away for awhile, and if I did that would send her into a rage. (Stonewalling!) It’s lose-lose, for the most part.
It’s bedtime now and things have calmed down a bit. It will be good to get back home in a week where we have much more space and it’s easier to detach.
It’s one day at a time, or more realistically one hour at a time. So exhausting.
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