You are in a challenging situation that benefits each of you.  It would cost your mother more to pay someone to do what you are doing for her.  If you were to get paid for the tasks you do for her, it could change your Medicaid qualifications.

With someone with BPD/NPD they seek control through whatever power they have. Your mother seems to hold the financial power, while you have the caregiver power. While you may not be thinking along those terms, consider you are not powerless in this situation. In actuality, your mother is dependent on you for the tasks you do- but her NPD aspect means she won't likely acknowlege that.

My BPD/with NPD mother used money as a means of control and power. Also, to avoid the appearance of being dependent and to feel superior, she could be verbally abusive to the people who were helping her the most- all the while being completely dependent on them in her elder years.

She made some poor financial decisions but we had no way to intervene- even for her own behalf. She remained legally competent and so we kids had no input to her decisions. I saw where she had redone her legal papers on time ( that I know of) and they appeared weaponized, so yes, if your mother is legally competent, she could do that.

Ultimately, if your mother is legally competent then, even if it's not fair to you, you can not count on her providing or leaving you anything. Maybe she will, but maybe she won't. On the other hand, should you decide to move out and not help her- she would also be in a difficult situation. She may threaten to kick you out, but if she knows it would be harder without you,  she may not do it---- but she won't admit to that. She needs to feel she's in power. Keep that in mind. This may be posturing.

However, you must also protect yourself. This may mean saving some of your income into an emergency fund in case she does kick you out, while still maintaining your eligibility for Medicaid. If you do inherit property or money at some point, that may impact your eligibility. Another aspect of Medicaid that might affect you, is that, if your mother is ever in a nursing home on Medicaid herself and she owns the house- Medicaid will take that to cover the costs. If she transfers it into your name it can affect her eligibilty (Medicaid look back) and possibly yours at some point. If you need to look into this situation further, a local council on elder or elder law attorney can assist you. At some point, your mother may need to assign power of attorney to you if you need to assist her beyond errands and help with medication, and if she is willing to do that.

For now, if this arrangement is working for you financially, I think your game plan is to maintain this win win situation, and keep in mind that you benefit her when she says otherwise. My BPD mother complained, said negative things to me about one of her caregivers, told me several times she was going to fire her. She never did. This woman was wonderful to her and she depended on her.

However, in this situation, you will need to help maintain your own sanity- by doing things on your own,  getting therapy,  having some "time off" from being your mother's helper. If you did have a way to move out, it would be an option, but from what it appears, it's the better one financially for the both of you.

I should share a bit more, nuances to your approach if pondering separation and divorce.

First, do not underestimate the extent of a spouse's obstruction and attempted sabotage.  Do not assume she will think and do as you would and default to normal reactions.  You as the reasonably normal spouse will naturally be held to a far higher standard than her.  So you can't respond to her aggression in any way that might be construed as aggressive or violent.  So imagine you have a judge looking over your shoulder 24/7.

Also, your approach to married life must change.  When trying to repair a relationship, both must be sharing information to rebuild trust.  However, if it is failing or failed, then you must be strategic is what you do or don't share.  Obviously, you do share parenting information and other necessary financial details.  But on most other matters, you must ponder twice and thrice before sharing so that your spouse has less ammunition with which to obstruct and sabotage you.  Once you have selected a lawyer you will have someone local to warn you of problematic topics.  You might be tempted to exclaim something that might enable your spouse to sabotage your legal strategies.

Similarly, you can suggest to her that you both (avoid "you" and moderate it as "we") need to see therapists to address the conflict but - this is important - do NOT mention you believe she has BPD or some other acting-out personality disorder.  And do not mention specific treatments such as DBT.  She can get triggered by almost anything you say, but at least try to avoid those particulars.

And do not forewarn her you are reading Eddy's Splitting handbook nor that you're confidentially and privately consulting with lawyers.  For many topics, it will be better to leave things guarded and unsaid.

Many members here have "been there, experienced that".  That was my exact situation two decades ago.  It was a trial by fire but I came out the other side with a more peaceful life.  Believe me, there is a better path forward but you have to make preparations, seek meaningful support, seek improved communication skills, and use time-tested strategies.

First question, is she getting meaningful therapy from a therapist who has used Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)?  The problem is that many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are extremely resistant to meaningful therapy.

Even if she resists therapy, that doesn't mean that you can't seek a counselor for yourself. As my divorce lawyer said, "Courts love counseling."  Even for the children.  When I separated, my ex surprised me by starting our 3 year old in play therapy.  This is very unusual, but she was trying to accumulate negative advocates in her campaign against me.

I recommend William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  He is a lawyer, mediator and is familiar not only with the illness but also the legal pitfalls and conceptual traps when entering the legal court system.


The best advice I can give is to avoid any more children with her.  Right now your child is of an age, if divorce is the future, for daycare and soon preschool, kindergarten and regular school.  (That would reduce mother's leverage to claim, "I have babies, I can't seek work.")

Also, many BPD mothers are exceedingly possessive of the children... while simultaneously dismissive of the father.  (My divorce had virtually no financial issues - except she did want me to support her - but the custody issues and parenting schedule turned it into a two year process.)

From one of my prior replies...

I moved in with my mom 4 years ago to take care of her. She is 78. In 2019 I lived in an addition I built onto her house for 10 years. My father suddenly died in 2012 after years of struggling with my Mom who has multiple personality disorder (now called  dissociate identity disorder - I may have that wrong because I never use the new title. This mental disorder is from childhood sexual abuse and physical abuse at a very young age and all throughout her life. She now also has Borderline Personality disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  When my father died, she began verbally attacking me, and all the things that goes with that. Sh tried to evict me twice even though I was not a tenant. But it caused a lot of trauma. She went to the courthouse and asked for a protection order, that was filled with awful lies. At 1am, 5 police officers escorted me out of my house with only the clothes I was wearing. I had to check into a hotel. My son was in college studying abroad when this happened. We finally came to an agreement that she would give me $83k for my 120k I invested with the addition. So I had to move into an apartment for me, my dog and my son when he returned from college.  My Mom and I were estranged for 3 years. When my son had a medical issue, I had to call her and tell her and that was the beginning of us talking again.  Jumping ahead, we agreed that I would move to Delaware from Maryland and she would pay all bills, except my own bills, and I would contributed $800 month towards bills. It should be noted that I can’t work, the last time I worked was 10 years ago. I am currently on 14 medications. I will try to post about my issues on another post. Anyway, since I moved here to care for her, she has threatened to kick me out twice. She has threatened to change her will many times, including the house we are living in. I have so much PTSD from her impulsive destructive behavior. I lost a lot of money in lawyer fees. I have no taxable income. I get alimony and money from a judgement. About $1700 month. I’m on Medicaid which just got harder to qualify for.  Some of the things I do for her: all grocery shopping, all cooking meals and cleaning up, I do her pills every week and keep track of refills etc., ( which I do mine as well), I make and drive her to all her medical appointments. She refuses to see a therapist ( I have a weekly therapist). I have had to learn so much about her disorders, it has been helpful, I feel these books are my life story. 10 years ago a friend told me “You can’t have a reasonable conversation with someone with mental illnesses “. I think of this daily, sometimes more than daily, because it is so true. I’m struggling. There is so much more but I’ll try to post more at a later time.

PwBPD traits can be said to typically start their relationships in an idealization phase in which they put their best foot forward, a natural human trait.  But they can't do it indefinitely, eventually cracks appear and some of their facade shows through.  A goal is to make you feel more obligated to the relationship.  Two common methods are to marry or have a child together.  That raises the level of obligation.  How many people arrive here lamenting they feel stuck in order to "stay for the kids"?

BPD F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

It is so painful to fall in love with a person, marry that person, and then find out at some point that the person you married isn't who you thought he/she was. You question what was real and what were perhaps manipulations to get what he/she wanted which was you. Your heartbreak is real and will be for a long time.

Thank you. I am structuring my weeks with activities so that I don’t have idle time to ruminate over things. It’s helping.

I kept thinking this morning about the phrase “I am reclaiming my time.” I know this is what I have to do and I am working at it. Each day is getting a bit easier in terms of the immediate shock loss of my own mother. I have stopped the intense crying phase and I am putting myself back together. Thanks for the support.

No I haven't decided. It feels too painful at the moment. I looked through our wedding album yesterday. Only 2 years ago we were so happy. I was so happy. Unlike my first marriage I had no doubts at all. I had no idea he was keeping secrets and lying to me all along. I do not recognise the man I'm sharing my house with today.

I know that no contact (as best we can when we need to sort a divorce) is best in theory but my heart can't go there yet. I feel so broken today

Hi Grumpy,

Welcome to the group, I'm glad you found us.  That your therapist and you suspect BPD is likely for a very good reason.  Though BPD is on a spectrum, many of its themes are predictable:  the erratic emotions, seeing things in black or white, feeling slighted at every turn, the seemingly endless traumas, the fear of abandonment, the low self-esteem and plaguing self-doubt.  Some associated behaviors are typical here:  sudden, angry outbursts that seem unwarranted and/or over-the-top, impulsive quitting (jobs, relationships), volatile relationships (estrangement from family, loss of close friends, interpersonal conflict at the workplace), and assuming ill intent in others, bordering on paranoia.  Sometimes I think it comes down to having very thin skin (figuratively of course), which means she feels everything intensely, and she also has trouble healing from her wounds.  She has a tendency to dredge up ancient grievances, picking at her scabs over and over again, rather than deal with the present.  She has difficulty controling her emotions, which really shows up in important relationships, and often in her work.  I think that's because she experiences life as an endless series of traumas, and so she has a trauma-based, fight-or-flight response to ordinary situations.  Does all that ring any bells?  I think it's classic BPD, even if your wife is probably high functioning, given her certifications and professional stature.

One thing that stands out in your post is your mention of things getting worse in the last year, making your life a living hell.  I'm wondering, what do you think might have changed?  In my experience, big changes and/or increased stress in general can be a BPD trigger.  Granted, a period of unemployment can be stressful for anyone, if only for the uncertainty and lack of a structured routine, not to mention the loss of income and lack of "purpose."  By the same token, jobs can be stressful, too.  Maybe your wife's job was too demanding, and she felt incapable and insecure?  Or maybe there were other changes, such as a sibling having a first child, and she feels insanely jealous?  Or maybe a sickness or death of someone close to her?  Or a move; maybe her parents sold her childhood home, and she feels "abandoned," even if you or I wouldn't bat an eyelash over that?

Anyway, one thing I've noticed with BPD is that oftentimes, accusations--especially baseless accusations--are really projections about their own insecurities.  That's because they are ruminating so much about something, that it's always top of mind, and so that theme emerges as projection when they engage with you when emotions are running high.  If you listen for the feelings behind what your wife is saying, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of what is really bothering her.  I can't help but notice that she's accusing you of not loving her and being "abusive" when she doesn't have a job.  To me, that might be code for, "I feel worthless when I'm not working, I'm useless and a failure, I don't even know who I am anymore, I'm unloveable."  What I see are themes of deep insecurity.  What you could do is reassure her.

It may be that your wife's job or hours are just too stressful, because she spends so much mental energy thinking about supposedly "toxic" coworkers instead of focusing on doing her job.  I agree with you that there are difficult coworkers everywhere, but unless they report to you, there's probably little you can do about them, and the best course of action is to focus and be professional at all times.  Yet your wife just might not be able to handle this.  Maybe she needs fewer hours, or to work on smaller teams, or maybe as an individual contributor?  I find that pwBPD typically need extra downtime, because the stress (and insecurity) they feel in a work situation is super-sized.

Having written that, no matter how much you want to help, you can't control or cure BPD.  That's in your wife's hands.  The only person you control is you, and how you respond to your wife's behavior.  I'd say, if your wife's meanness and accusations are stressing you out and riling you up, you need to take a break.  You can say as much, "This is stressing me out, I need to get some air."  That way, you give yourself a break to calm down, while at the same time, you give your wife extra time and space to get control of her emotions.  In addition, here we recommend not to JADE, short for justify, argue, defend and explain, when your wife is in a state of emotional distress.  That's because JADEing deals with facts, while your wife's currency is emotions.  When she's raging mad, she can't process anything you have to say anyway.  You wait until she's calm to bring up any facts, OK?

Again, welcome, there are many members here with experience and ideas.