I completely agree with this statement.


I disagree here.  If they find out, when they find out...none of that matters.  And if they don't find out, then it doesn't matter either. 

The focus should be on the task at hand....and not how someone might react...if they happen to find out...and they happen to freak out...and they happen to call you angry....and they happen to demand an explanation...and they happen to say you're a bad person...and they happen to say or do 100 other things that I haven't thought of yet.

Can you see how exhausting that sentence is?  It exhausted me writing it.  Whatever happens will happen and your decision is already made.  Do not worry about what someone else MIGHT say or do...that's for them to deal with.  The focus needs to be on you and what you're in control of, what's best for your mental health, etc.

My simple advice is not to go down this rabbit hole of playing the "what if" game.  Nobody has ever won it in the history of the world.

I agree with CC43's advice to not voluntarily share information in general. I did not share personal information with BPD mother and this also meant to not share it with anyone in her family.

Each family is different but in my situation visiting anyone on her side would go through the information network quickly. They all lived near each other.
Another difference is that I wasn't NC with BPD mother. If I visited, it was to visit her mainly. So it wasn't confidential with her.

If I was NC then not telling her would be an option.

In your situation, you plan to have some reconnection with your sister and so if that is the case, if she actually asks, it's possibly better to just tell her the truth. However, if she doesn't, I wouldn't tell her. It could feel hurtful to do so- "hey I was in town and didn't visit you". It won't spare her feelings or yours if she reacts. If she finds out and asks, say "yes it was a quick visit and I spent the whole time helping our relative" and then drop the subject.

If you stay NC, then you two won't be speaking anyway.

Hi Wantmorepeace,

I think it's great you're helping another family member.  That should be all that matters, at least in an ideal world.  Maybe your pwBPD gets upset that you didn't go visit with them, that you didn't take extra time to broaden the scope of your trip and cater to their needs for attention.  Well, that's on them.  Your mission was to help another family member, and that's all the mental bandwidth that you can handle right now.  Just because they live nearby doesn't mean you should change your mission, OK?

I think you don't tell your pwBPD about your plans--ever.  They are your plans, after all--you shouldn't be subject to reporting your schedule and whereabouts to pwBPD, so don't!  If they put up a fuss ("I can't believe you came to my town and didn't even bother to stop by!"), you could feign busy indifference (Oh, that last-minute trip?  I didn't want to impose.  Maybe next time.)  Then change the subject.  If they unleash a tirade about how inconsiderate you are, you exit:  "I'm in a rush, bye."  If they try to reel you in ("Oh, look at you, too busy and important to spend time with me . . ."), just let them be.  Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).  The less personal details they know, the better, if that's how they are treating you.

Just my two cents.

I think what you are dealing with is a common ethical dilemma. How do we respond with authenticity when people aren't "playing by the same rules?", and also how to determine a boundary on privacy and confidentiality in a family where there aren't clear boundaries.

I don't think there is one "right" answer. Each scenario involves some kind of consequence.

You don't tell her and she later finds out.
You do tell her and she reacts.
You tell her it's not her business and she reacts.


How we handle this becomes a balance of our own integrity and ability to withstand the consequences. The problem with compromising our own integrity is that it can errode our own self esteem.

For example, I could not tell my BPD mother the truth to avoid her reaction but then, I'd have compromised my own standards, but also I don't have to be completely transparent about my own privacy- I can have boundaries. How to balance it all?

I found that as I got better at managing my own enabling and co-dependent tendencies, I got better at both being authentic and holding boundaries. If I didn't want to share something, I didn't feel I had to but- I also didn't need to be untruthful either.

Sometimes a "no", or choosing to not discuss something is the hardest response as there can be a reaction. "No" is a complete sentence. What you do isn't your sister's business. Staying resolved and unrattled by the response may have to be learned.

However, in my mother's FOO, the information sharing is fast. I don't know what she told her FOO but anything they heard or found out about me or my kids would be promptly shared with her. If she heard it from them before me, she'd feel embarrassed to not be "in the loop" and assume I was hiding things on purpose . Some things I did want to keep private but sometimes it was because they got the chance to tell her before I did.

Managing her feelings was not my role but being aware of them, I tried to avoid unecessarily upsetting her. First, anything they knew would be shared with her so if something was private I didn't share it with any of them. I don't post personal information on social media but if it was so general I could share it- like a picture- I would be sure to send a copy to BPD mother first- before any posts, because they'd be downloading it and sending it to her.

If I visited any of them, it's a certainty they'd tell her so I would tell her myself. She may react but if she found out from them first, it would be a more difficult reaction.

I think one of the hardest things to tell her was when we were planning a visit to my father's family. I know she'd feel hurt that we weren't visiting her instead- that wasn't the point though- we were invited to an event on their side. We were afraid to tell her at first and afraid to say something way in advance but we did tell her before we went. She wasn't on Facebook then but all the relatives were and if anyone posted something, her FOO would tell her. That would be worse for her. We wanted to keep our privacy but didn't want to cause her distress when something wasn't private. The best way to do this was to just be open about it. Yes, she was angry at us but that would have happened anyway.

So it came down to managing our own sense of integrity. Either be honest, or  say you don't wish to discuss it or keep it private (to the extent possible- we weren't perfect at all of this). If something wasn't going to be private- then tell her. We didn't wish to cause her to feel upset so if her reaction was inevitable- choose the way that she would feel least hurt from- tell her before the relatives do.

In this scheme- if sis asks- then tell her. If you are still NC- then no need to make contact over this, stay NC. If she doesn't ask, then let her find out whenever, it's not malicious secret keeping, it's simply your choice for privacy. If she imagines a motive on your part, that's her own thinking.

Hi, all. I am on a break from pwubpd, which I needed (and said I needed) for my own emotional well-being.  I will soon be going to the town where they live to help another family member and will not see them.  I know I can't handle the possibility of something going awry on this trip.  My question is, once we are in contact again (whether before I go or after I go), I think there's a good possibility I'll be asked if I went.   Should I answer or say that that's my business?    Also, if they don't ask, would it be smart for me to tell it so that there are no secrets to be found out later?

I also wrote this on another thread. We need to be able to calm ourselves before we are in the position to interact with anyone else. Sometimes we need to learn more or different emotional regulation skills.

Some advice that helped me was to tune into my own feelings. In 12 steps there's an acromym "HALT"- hungry, angry, lonely, tired-  and we can add more feelings to that list. It's a signal that we need to stop, take a time out, and calm down.

We can politely disengage. Pook's point about stating this in the "I" perspective is important. A counselor had me practice talking without using the word "you". It may have sounded akward at times but it made the point. For someone with BPD the word "you" can actually be triggering but walking on eggshells isn't the main reason not to do this. For many of us, we are so focused on their feelings, we aren't as aware of our own. Trying to use only "I" sentences helps us stay aware of ours.

"I need to take some time to think about this" rather than "you need to stop yelling at me" is more effective. Then just do it. The other person may react but you have stopped escalating the discussion.

Nope, we're all in this together so don't feel bad.  If we went way off topic then someone on the team might ask you to start your own thread (or pull your comments and make a new thread for you), but your questions and responses went right along with what we were already talking about.

We're all here to learn and grow, and then there's those here that just want to give back because this site got them through a really tough time.  It really is like a family and I'm so thankful for this site and the fine folks who post here.

Yes, but don't think of this as something you did as intentionally selfish. It was possibly a learned behavior that helped you to feel safe at home with your BPD father. It was a self protective behavior and possibly essential to do this as a child- where you were dependent at home.

What is different now is that- while this behavior was an adaptive survival behavior for you growing up- it is not one now. You are an adult. You may feel similar emotions but now, you are aware and have a choice to change your response from what you have done to something different and more functional.

Now, without doing the behavior that helped you to feel safe as a child, you are experiencing the emotional anxiety and fear that the behavior helped you to cope- and this is actually a step in the right direction- because, once aware that these feelings exist, you can learn other ways to self regulate.

One example for me is when a co-worked snapped at me at work one day. My emotional response was to freeze, feel scared, and assume it must be my fault. Rather than react, I went to my office, closed the door, and was alone- that felt safe. Once I felt safe, I could feel calmer. The co-worker came by later to apologize. She was having a stressful day and what happened had nothing to do with me.

On another thread you asked a good question. When your son calls you in distress, how can you calm him down? It may be that the actual question is - how to calm yourself down? Because when he calls, distressed, you feel distressed and seek to calm him down as a way to calm yourself down. This may have been a functional tactic with your father when you had no other choices as a child.

If we can't stay calm, we are not in a position to interact positively with anyone in the moment. This is where you need to take a moment to yourself and calm yourself down first. (like I went to my office). Your son is leaning on you for his own emotional regulation- it's what he has known to do. So he also will react to a change that doesn't do this for him- but it also gives him the chance to deal with his own emotions, which he needs to learn.

When he calls, tune into your own feelings. You can say you need some time to think about this and will call him back. Then find a way to calm yourself down before responding.

Thank you, Pook and JsMom.  Your responses are really helpful.  AND I feel like I need to apologize.  I got so caught up that I feel like I hijacked JsMom's thread. Thank you for your graciousness.

Would love to hear how you are doing, JsMom, if you feel like sharing.

I went to student health counseling starting in my freshmen year of college. I initiated this myself. I didn't know about BPD and although my mother's behavior was normalized in my family, by then, I knew it wasn't normal.

I wanted to know what was going on with her. By then I was looking at psychology books and took a class in college. I was looking for an explanation for what was going on with her. BPD wasn't in the psychology books at that time. It was later with the internet that I found it.

I went to counseling for myself. The situation at home had affected my self esteem. We kids were not deprived materially, and my friends and activities in high school helped to mitigate this, but I didn't have this supportive group in college. Being away from the dynamics at home helped but it wasn't an instant solution. 

My advice to have your D experience being away from her mother isn't to separate her from her mother entirely, but so she can have a sort of respite from her mother's feelings being the focus and experience more stable interactions with people, and find her own interests. It's to help her develop her own sense of self and boundaries.

Another consideration is to pursue a skill or trade at community college if this is where a student's interests lead them, if they don't feel ready for college yet, or college is a financial strain. Having a job can be a source of self esteem and promote independence. However, if they live at home with a BPD parent, I think they will need to be able to spend time away from home to have that emotional space for themselves.

Reassure your D that it is normal and emotionally healthy to seek out counseling for guidance and support. If she is willing to do this, it would be a good thing to start now and continue in college.