The thinking doesn't make sense. It's disordered thinking. Trying to rationalize with someone who is thinking like this ends up in circular arguments.

It's also projection- someone or something else is the "reason" for the issues and someone or something else must be the solution.

A main component of boundaries is knowing who you are- what is you, what isn't you. If someone has a poor sense of self, poor boundaries, they may be more influenced by ideas and identities but not realize the actual reality of it.

I don't think what your wife is seeking is just about having an urge. By going on the website, she shows up as a new person, with a new persona. No baggage or issues with anyone. She can then interact with people who are interested in her as this new person. It's seeking affirmation, positive attention. She can be an "open marriage" person in this new world.

Not with you. You know her better. She can't pretend to be someone else with you. I watched my BPD mother do this.  There were a few times I'd be with her and her set of friends and think "who is this person" she seemed so different.

Somehow this met an emotional need for her. While at first, it feels envious that someone else got this "great" persona, I realized it wasn't real.

What you see with your wife, is the real one, not the persona, and as hard as it is, it's the real relationship, the good, the difficult.

Thanks for the replies, it helps to feel validated and not alone.  We're not married, I own the property , we share a dog (though he's still not paid half her purchase price after 5 years so I guess I own her)

The assessments I mention have followed his requesting his GP for a referral - as far as he's telling me they have been regular meetings to look for a variety of mood/personality disorders but when I push further I get told its none of my business....

It's come to a head this last week after a week away with a group of friends which he felt went well but I felt like I was walking on eggshells around his constant changing moods (only directed at me really) the minute drinks were late to be bought out or we were waiting for something longer than he liked he'd be snappy and accusatory of me and it generally felt he didn't like me very much.  On Sunday after an argument over what we were having for dinner (apparently I wouldnt tell him what I wanted in order to orchestrate an argument - in reality I told him a dozen times 2 different options I was happy to go with) he escalated by raising his voice (I have 2 kids from a previous relationship 13 and 15 and I hate him shouting and swearing when they're there)  At one point I took a phone call and he came over and got in my face (I was holding a lit cigarette) and knocked it out of my hand - he accused me of trying to put a cigarette out on him.....he hates my friendship group and frequently makes snide remarks about me going to "my club" to "get my head patted" and that we sit around "being smug and congratulating ourselves about how I'm so abused"  -  the reality is I try NOT to talk about him or moan about him if at all because I don't want to cast a bad opinion , or a worse opinion (he's had melt downs at our local pub , one time kicking as smashing a portable speaker I have down the road in front of people)

I said he needed to leave and I've had a barrage of abusive texts since , littered with emojis (rats and clowns to depict me being his favourites).  I've said I'm not responding to abusive messages, I need space and I will converse about practical matters only.

He still has a lot of belongings in my house and has been coming over each morning after I've left for work to take the dog to work with him.

I said my kids don't need to put up with his insanity- he's said I'm portraying the children as terrified of him - they're not they're just sick of his tantrums (and view them as him acting like a child)

so now we're apart- coincidentally happened on pay day (another trigger for him when I ask for his contribution towards bills there is often a big argument caused so he can avoid paying - or drip feed me whilst he wastes all hi money on gambling drinking and takeaways.

Sorry I've totally rambled

We are of course here in remote peer support.  Thus our insight into the specifics of your relationship are limited.  Even if he is going to assessment sessions, neither we nor you know what he is telling them.  It's even possible he is telling them that you're his problem.  That's called Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting, all common patterns in BPD traits.

You've been with him for 8 years and yet this negativity and verbal abuse continues.  While his now meeting with professionals to assess him may lead toward him a measure of recovery, awareness of his abuse and correcting his poor behavior, that is certainly no guarantee your hopes will be realized.

Why hasn't he responded to your efforts?  BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder that is most evident and most triggered by and with close relationships.  What this means is that his lack of improvement over the years is not surprising.  Many people with BPD traits (pwBPD) can't or won't get past the emotional baggage of the relationship to truly listen and respond positively.

Maybe he will respond to the professional - not emotional - approach of the therapists.  Frankly, even that is a huge maybe.  Likely this has been him for a lifetime and many pwBPD are "set in their ways".  You will have to be the one to decide whether and when to cut him lose.  (That's a fishing analogy.  As in, you can toss the problem fish back and choose healthier fish in the sea.)  We are here for you whichever path you choose.

Even if you're not married, this Divorcing board can also assist you with the practical and legal issues of separating, if that is what you decide.  Of course, we are not lawyers or solicitors.

Do you share children?  That can make separation more complicated but separation can still be a practical solution.  Meanwhile, continue reading, learning, posting and asking questions.  We have a wealth of hard-won ideas, skills and solutions.  Take advantage of our collective wisdom and experience.

AngelofItaly how are things going?  Is your daughter still going NC with you?  I hope you are hanging in there.  It can feel torturous at times.  My daughter just went NC with me yesterday and the day before she told my husband she was pregnant.  She doesn't live with us and is married and has her own home so I am grateful she has stability in her life and we are not living with the drama day to day but her behaviour has been so hurtful especially towards me.  I think she intentionally only told her dad the news to hurt me.  All I can say is I decided I needed to set a firm boundary and she didn't like it and has been trying to get me to pay the price for her pain as a result of my boundary and because I am not giving her what she wants in the way she wants to hear it she has chosen to cut me off.  I am grateful i have my husbands support and we are trying to learn about BPD but Ihave had such a stressful two months dealing with my husbands health issues and my own I need the break from her.  Based on other peoples experiences on here I suspect she will try and text me wtih more of her blaming and hurtful texts.  I have blocked her on my cell because reading the texts are so hard on me I start to get heart palpitations every time. i have to take care of my health.  I am giving this over to God.

Adding my two cents -- a teen can range from 13 to 19 years old. Our responsibilities as parents will look very different for the 13 year old vs the 19 year old. While each kid is different, I wouldn't suggest waiting for the 13 year old to "feel ready" for or express buy-in to a program, but I might suggest that for an 18-19 year old.

Everyone is making great suggestions across the range of ages. It may help to know your child's age so we can know whether to lean more towards "IOP/home/family treatment" vs "make your kid go to residential" vs "let your child take the lead". All have their times and places, it can depend a lot on age.

We can't make unwilling adults (even young adult children) do anything, but we may be called upon as parents to make unwilling young children do things. Sigh... Neither option is easy, I know!

...

I believe 3East and McLean are very well regarded, have a clinical foundation, and would not at all be considered "abusive wilderness program" or a "cash grab".

Have you already called or consulted with them? I wonder if they could do some kind of pre-admission / over the phone assessment with you, or could refer you to other reputable programs that would be a better fit for your child and family, if they aren't the right fit.

Thank you CC43.  I appreciate the input.  Yes, she is definitely trying to hurt me because she sees I am not giving her what she wants and in the way she wants to receive it.  This is the first time I have set a boundary with her and stuck to it. 
I am in therapy and am learning not to take responsibility for other peoples emotions. I have been walking on eggshells with her for years and accommodating her moods and trying not to say anything that will set her off.  I too believe it will be a matter of time before she tries to message me.  She is used to me giving in to her and apologizing to try and mend things but this time I can't do it anymore. My communication style has been calm and neutral and I think that is making her angrier and angrier. She perceives that as I don't love her. She has completely distorted the context of what happened and her need to "repair" is not repair it's control and punishment and blame. She has her husband who can support her and my husband is supporting me.  We shall see what happens in the coming weeks.  I am having a biopsy done next week to rule out thyroid cancer and my birthday is in March. Also, her in laws are very kind and we get along well. If and when they find out that we are not involved in her life they may see that all those times she had problems with them they may start to realise she has a serious problem and will be concerned for their son.  I pray she gets the help she needs.  She is in therapy but I sometimes think clients can manipulate their therapists to get the support they want and not the support they need. Thanks again 

Wendy - the drama is never over.  But I agree.  Lesson learned here for me.  Goal #1 is always to step out of the drama.  I just need to remind myself that whatever she does or doesn’t do is her, not me, that she is expecting a response from me.

It’s not the ideal relationship or partnership, but I don’t think a pwBPD is capable of that.  I want to be able to have open and honest dialogue with my wife, but I have learned opening my mouth and saying more than is needed is wading through danger.  W thinks it is lonely.  But that is on her.

Today she sent the other woman a text message, but I don’t understand her motivation.  It sounds like it was a “have a nice life” message recognizing her emotions and how she feels hurt by the other woman’s r/s.  The other woman hasn’t responded, and now W is obsessing about that.  Now, by virtue of being under the same roof, am guaranteed to hear about this for awhile. 

There is a strange irony here - W thinks having an open relationship will solve her problems and stabilize her emotions and stabilizing our marriage.  But it is that same behavior that kept her from having stable relationships for her whole life.

Like she told MC last week - that she feels the reason she is unstable is because i won’t allow her to sleep around, yet one must have a stable marriage first in order to have an open marriage.

Hi Silent Tide and welcome
Yes this is a place where people understand just how difficult – if not impossible - the journey is with a loved one with BPD. I like the screen name you have chosen – it made me think yes, bpd is like a tsunami that engulfs all in it’s path!

I also understand the complexity of your situation – because it is also my situation. Lately for me it has been terrible because DD and her teenage daughter are at loggerheads ALL the time.
I agree with ForeverDad about trying to access support for yourself and everyone else in the family – if possible. Once again we can be so limited it what support is available and how it is able to help.

One thing I have found it that it is helpful to be ‘detached’ in my mind. This is something I work towards. I tell myself I will do this, that etc for them and I find a space where I am thinking/doing something else. I think the intense emotional state of the BPD person draws our mind in – and we find that they are on our mind 24/7.

I used to work, then retired and have recently found different work – a few hours, 5 days a fortnight. Being not available at these times is a great help! The skills are important too. Is it possible to help the others to develop these skills too? It made a world of difference to me to learn how and when to validate/how and when to disengage etc. Most of the time I am now able to ‘switch’ my mind to something else, even when DD is stomping around the house, clearly cruising for a bruising.
The reason I haven’t been so able recently is that her teenage daughter doesn’t have these skills and engages and the whole thing escalates.

I think to look for anything that can be a ‘BPD free zone’ in your life is really important – this, and the skills have helped me cope – sometimes just! – with a situation similar to yours.

Sending thoughts . . .

That's interesting.  That might explain the loop that repeats, no matter how much pain his words or actions cause,  it's not enough for him to stop the behavior.  It's followed by either later acting like nothing happened, or occasionally tearful apologies. Never resolution and the rest of us are supposed to sweep it under the rug until the next blow up.

He used substances before I met him, probably all of his teen years plus, and a sibling was almost killed which changed the family dynamics.  I surely think that all had an impact on his emotional and mind development.

I like to dig and dig to find answers so it's foreign to me that other people aren't so inclined!  If your life is a mess, why wouldn't you search for why that is?  I guess because parts of the mind are hidden even from the owner. The mind is mind boggling. ;)

Pefect- you didn't try to control her going out. This took away her need to push back. You were not attempting to control her decision. The rest was up to her.

I was thinking of suggesting that some time to yourself could be a possible "benefit" to her going out, but of course, it's not a reason for her to date other people. Still, you were able to relax and get some self care rather than fret over what she may or may not be doing.

You simply asked how it was. You didn't question more, pry, or get angry, or emotionally react.

As what can happen- the reality of her meeting with this person didn't match what she imagined it would be like. By not trying to stop her, you allowed her to figure this out herself. When she was away from you, her actions were up to her.

I also don't think the drama is over because, this is just one manifestation of your wife's BPD drama. However, you handled this well and hopefully can use some of these skills in other situations with her.