When you start to have doubts about this, it's helpful to keep a go-to file of some sort to jog your memory. 

I know generally speaking "holding on to that rage" is a bad idea, but in this context, it can help to keep the right perspective as you move forward and re-establish yourself, outside of the chaos of BPD and what it does to your sense of self.  It's not forever, just until you are truly apart from her and single. 

And when communicating with her (if you have to), the best advice I received was "ignore the editorial"... only respond to what - if anything - needs a response.  This is also consistent with Bill Eddy's "BIFF" method for communicating with high-conflict people: keep all communications Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. 

So she sends you something like "When are you picking up XYZ?  I am so tired of you being late and never following through. Will you ever learn to be a decent partner and human being?  Probably too much to expect."

You respond: "Hi, thanks for your email.  I'll be by at 6." 

And that's it.  That response will take the wind out of her sails... you're polite (which is disarming), you don't argue any points, you don't include anything she can get upset over.  She got the information she claimed she wanted, and can go stew if she wants, but you're not doing anything to raise the temperature. 

and if nothing deserves a response, don't even respond.  You don't have to any more, and I think for a BPD looking for a fight, no response is worse than any response.

Hello everyone.  I am currently struggling to help my wife with what seems to be overwhelming depression.   She was diagnosed with BPD 15 years ago before we were together.  She has been through DBT several times and most of the time is able to use her skills to control her emotions.  Its gotten harder since we have had children (3 and 4).  She also has some pretty bad chronic pain issues that are really bringing her down. 

The depression is really bad lately.  It's hard to get her to see doctors for her physical issues.  When I try to push for her to get more help, thats when I get unreasonable pushback.  She gets very defensive.  I have been the one calling doctors and making appointments for her, which she sometimes goes to and sometimes just ignores.  Not sure exactly where I am going with this but I just wanted to reach out and see if there was anyone else out there trying to unlock the puzzle of BPD and depression.  Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

 

Wow, so much wisdom in this thread and so many great analogies.  We are not pincushions, texts are not to-do lists, and so forth.  And I really like the point that the fact that you feel guilt doesn't mean that you did something wrong.  I think that's one of the hardest misconceptions to overcome.

Sorry, I meant your sister.  I guess I was thinking about the nuisance texts that my mom tends to send me, like videos of other people's pets, chain letters and forwarded advertisements . . . .

Hi again,

I really like this way of thinking, from a "profesional" standpoint, which is not only more detached, but also more mindful of the value of your own time and energy, more deliberate about where you spend your time and energy.  It is NOT your full-time job to be a pincushion, let alone manage someone else's emotional needs.  You have a life too, you know, and you need to prioritize that.  Like this poster expressed so well, you can be involved, without being on call.

Here we emphasize self-care.  That means prioritizing YOUR needs over the emotional needs of someone who is dumping their negativity onto you.  I'd advise, you get really busy with your life.  That way, you'll barely have time for nonsense texts.  If you are happy and doing the things you love, then a nuisance text will start to feel more like that--a minor nuisance, like a bird dropping on your windshield.  All you have to do is clean it away with the wipers.  You don't have the time or the inclination to get mad at the bird, even if it seems to eat red berries and take aim at your windshield on purpose.  The bird was just being a bird.  Similarly, your mom is just being your mom, spewing out crap and throwing it your way from time to time.  You can't stop her, so I'd say, don't even try.

All the best to you.

I'm so sorry you've had a rough couple of weeks.  The stress must be enormous.  I think returning to your home country is worth considering, even if it's for the short term.

It's also great that you're taking accountability, but you have to do so in a fair consistent way.  Being belittled when you're down and the person who caused it all is celebrating in front of you would be too much for just about anyone.  I would have cussed him out and left...and I don't generally cuss at all.  But I have my flaws and limits just like anyone else.  It sounds like he was oblivious to your feelings and that's a terrible position for you to be in.

So you have three options:

1)  Make him stay in his office
2)  Stay with your friend
3)  Go home to stay with family

Which would bring you the most comfort, with the least amount of stress involved?  That's the option you should choose.  And you shouldn't worry about if him staying at the office is an inconvenience- he's the one being a difficult roommate.

That is so ludicrous.  He's supposedly the man and you're the woman.  Did you kidnap him? But of course, he felt he had to make the worst insinuation possible.

It is often noted here that pwBPD are known to cast ALL their failed relationships as horrible people.  It's that Blaming and Blame Shifting urge they have.

Probably now you accept he's not worth even a letter.

Update: he is now telling all of our friends thay i am a rapist. So, that's great.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for responding. Reading your posts has brought a little warmth to my day.

I will explain better. Since yesterday afternoon, I have left the house again, and I am staying at a friend's again (I am deeply grateful for her kindness). I got in touch with the hospital over the weekend and with my GP this morning, and I am now on sick leave for the coming five days. I had an emotional breakdown. He didn't do anything especially bad, quite the opposite. I wasn't feeling well, as the day before I had been seriously considering moving back to my home country due to the many doubts surrounding my ability and strength to rebuild while experiencing such deep feelings of desperation. He knew about this and acted cheerful, almost happy, gladly offering to help with the suitcases. Then he started behaving lovingly again, cooking for me, putting on a movie and sitting close to me on the couch. I don't know how to explain it, but that did it for me; just seeing him so cheerful about the divorce, constantly repeating that 'it must happen' while behaving as if we were still a couple, ignoring my pain and struggles...I don't know, I just collapsed. I have spent the last four days ugly crying and having panic attacks, non-stop. These episodes have been more and more frequent since the final breakup. While I was having this episode, he started mocking me and telling me that I was acting out just to torture him and to manipulate him, which is of course not true. I simply broke, and it was scary and painful. Yesterday afternoon was the first time I could speak normally, while still crying and being unable to do anything else.

So, yeah, in that sense, I would say I caused the accident. I take full responsibility for it. I love him and would never want him to leave and sleep at his office again, but he made it clear that one of us had to go after what had happened, and I chose to leave.  I feel ashamed, guilty, and I feel stupid for not having had the ability to keep calm and be able to at least secure accommodation for the coming two months. It has been so bad that I started thinking I have BPD (though I have done my share of therapy and the suspicion never arose).

I don't know where I am going from here, but I just felt like taking accountability and being fully honest with you all.

Mendingway26,  your post went gently right to the heart of the issue and spoke to me as well. Thank you. Words I said over myself and my son when he was a newborn were "I will love you like I never was. This is the one thing I know I can give you."
Like you stated, his blame and hate were a verdict on my entire life of loving and giving as best as I was able. 
I've tried reasoning, proving, explaining, suffering with him.  I'm choosing one day at a time to love and live differently.
Thanks again.