Hi!  Welcome to a club noone really wants to be in     I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this!  BPD is a beast...this is such a good "forum" to vent and find others in your "shoes"

yes!  it is the constant HOPE and waiting!  I have a therapist who specializes in parents of children/adult children with BPD & RATIONALLY I "hear" what "therapist" is saying...it just so hurtful that it is 8 texts through my mother....and my poor dog....my husband deliberately sent the text....Mom is with Hazel, thinking she would reach out (I really thought I would lose it, with my poor girl (dog)....who was never even MY dog)....what a mess     thanks for understanding!

I think what hurts most isn’t even just the lack of response. It’s that I keep thinking, “maybe THIS will be the moment she reaches out.” And when it isn’t, it feels like another small loss. Maybe I need to grieve that hope, too.

I don't agree at all that fear is a long-term motivator.

Yes, in the short term, it may compel someone to agree to attend therapy or to "behave" in a regulated manner. But attending therapy or "behaving" does not mean they have integrated the necessary changes, and they will most likely revert back to old behaviours or simply go to therapy without actually incorporating the skills or gaining real insight. There is no amount of fear mongering that is likely to push someone into taking accountability in the sense that it is a lasting and true accountability (versus when they say "I'm sorry and then do the same thing again"). Taking real responsibility and putting in the tremendous work to learn self-regulation skills and apply them them IN THE MOMENT while under stress, as well as gain insight into why they are becoming triggered can only come from within themselves.

In regard to boundaries, I am very much a proponent of the "healthy partner" taking control of finances or care of children if necessary in order to keep everyone safe. And yes, it can make sense to set a boundary that one cannot live with the pwBPD if they do not access therapy and continue to behave in an erratic manner. The healthy partner should not have to tolerate abuse or unsafe conditions, and this is the primary goal for setting the boundaries. And as a nice bonus, if they experience the natural consequences of their poor choices (i.e. not being able to live with their partner), the pwBPD may be more motivated to change. However, I do not think setting these boundaries is about creating huge amounts of fear or pressure, and the goal is certainly not to control the partner with BPD, as in my experience this does not work in the long run. It's more of a short term strategy to hopefully get them into treatment. The rest is up to them...

hmmm....I guess I never thought of it THAT way....and I like the "think" of the positives....I really try to....pwBPD just WEIGHS my brain down....Friday night I received a frantic text from my mother that pwBWD's insurance portion was cancelled (she turned 26) (I thought it was 27 years old): I do not even know where pwBPD lives! My mother was very negative in her comments, implying I should have known; well...pwBPD would have received the mail! I, sometimes, pause, when I was 26 years old, I handled these things...however, again, I did not have BPD....well...I sorted it all out, via many texts with my mother; but....all I could think of...if pwBPD had reached out ONE time...it could have very easily been resolved....I just do not know a way out of this void

Hi!  I just read through all of these posts....gosh....I am (sorry to say, glad to say, I am not alone (?) "we" are going on 3 years of minimal "texting" but no " in person contact; I don't know if it correct to say....at this point, I am just numb to the whole situation; I know I am lucky in the regard she is in contact with my mother, my sister & my niece (oddly, the people she allegedly despised 3 years ago) I just do not get it, however, BPD is a beast!  Currently, I am (I know this is a mental health issue...and I do not pretend to KNOW how it feels to pwBPD) HER dog, who was handed down to ME (with diabetes, blind...who knows HOW old) who I grew to ADORE, recently collapsed & had a seizure 2 weeks ago: I had to (I use the term, "help her over the Rainbow Bridge"; my husband contacted pwBPD while I rushed Hazel to the emergency vet...there has been NO contact or acknowledgement...I just feel like this was the last straw...again, HER dog, though, she has not checked on Hazel for 3 years (despite knowing about her diagnosis, so...) I think all of our "situations" are just so sad & I empathize with all of you and wish you good luck

Hi there,

I can see how the situation is not just frustrating, but confusing as suggested by your screenname.

My first guess is that your girlfriend is lonely and misses you.  She wants to be closer to you, but you are at a distance.  Since she has BPD, her thoughts default to negatives, and she assumes the worst--that you're cheating.  She'll make all sorts of accusations to get you to "prove" your devotion to her.  Maybe it doesn't matter to her if you are frustrated and feeling attacked--her "feedback loop" is that she gets your attention when she makes baseless accusations, and so she continues.  While her underlying problem might be loneliness and negativity, she copes by lashing out, and ultimately she's "rewarded" for lashing out because you engage with her and she gets plenty of your attention, even if it's "negative" attention.  Let me guess, you're up until the wee hours arguing and defending yourself.  In the morning you're exhausted, but she's probably feeling better, and she gets to sleep in, right?

Maybe she's trying to exert control over you the only way she knows how--by accusing you of cheating.  She wants your attention all to herself.  And so she's trying to make it difficult/impossible for you to leave the home or spend time with other people.  She wants your undivided attention.  What does she do if you dare mingle with other people?  She says you're cheating, and you start to modify your behavior (such as not going out very often, or not sharing details of your whereabouts), to try to avoid an outburst.  That's her misguided way of CONTROLLING you, to ensure that she has you all to herself.  She's not interested in you having a healthy life, friends, hobbies, etc. because she only considers her own feelings, not yours.  She might think she's entitled to your undivided attention and won't stop until you're with her, serving her, 100% of the time.  Does that sound like a possibility?

And then there's the possibility that she craves "drama."  Were you initially attracted to her because she was intense, alluring, tender, very sensitive, and she made you feel like the center of her universe?  She seemed to fall for you "hard"?  That emotional intensity is part of BPD.  Like you, she probably craves the intensity she felt at the beginning of the relationship.  How does she try to recreate it?  By manufacturing drama.  She's discovered that accusing you of cheating "works" because it gets you on the phone or the plane.

The pwBPD in my life is a consummate drama queen.  She creates drama wherever she goes.  It's not just limited to a romantic relationship; it pervades her entire life.  She has fractured relationships all around her:  family (immediate and extended), ex-roommates, ex-love interests, ex-friends, ex-schoolmates, ex-workmates.  Are there parallels with your girlfriend?  If there are, the takeaway might be that she is basically a drama queen, and her life is full of unstable relationships.  That's reality with BPD.  Clearly some people are attracted to the drama--it's exciting and alluring, and maybe they are made to feel like the "fixer" or "rescuer".  I guess the question is, is that you?

Hi, confused2026, and welcome to the BPD family! How have you been?

The other responses are valid. However, from what you described, I have a different opinion on this matter than the other folks.

I've dealt with all kinds of jealousy from 4 different long-term female partners, but what you describe is particularly different. The fact that she makes empty accusations and picks up fights with you makes it clear that the entire point of accusing you is to trigger you into defending, thus creating this cyclic argument. This is not simply because she is insecure and needs validation. This is an uncontrollable unconscious desire to promote conflict with her intimate partner (you) to get you engaged in the discussion, thus capturing your attention, just because this helps her regulate her brain. And based on a German theory on BPD from 2010, the need for this may come from unregulated bonding hormones:

Quote:

"Partner relationships of BPD patients are often problematical and are commonly characterized by “nearness-distance conflicts.” Although the affected persons frequently show frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, they often argue and fight with their partners and end relationships easily. This paradox is not yet understood, but it is probably due to a complex disturbance of the hormones that modulate human bonding."

Source: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2010-06891-012

Does it make sense to say that this behavior of hers has been reinforced because you kept defending yourself? Have you tried to minimize anything minor (such as stating that you didn't see that woman passing by) or dissuade her from a topic, and that made things worse?

If yes, then the solution is to stop doing all of that and stop getting triggered by those kinds of nonsensical accusations. Initially it will be difficult because she will say that not defending means a confession, but over time she will get tired of trying to engage you in a fight and should eventually give up on it.

And if there are situations in which she gets uneasy, such as taking a walk in the mall, where there may be pretty girls, then you need to talk to her with anticipation (way before the event). First, share your concerns about what you think can go wrong and your true perspective on that kind of situation, without judgment. Then try to make her comfortable in opening up so both of you can discuss how both of you as a team can work it out to make the moment that is to come more pleasurable, or at least normal and free of tensions.

In the case of my partners, I make it clear that whatever I do, my partner will be told right after, or perhaps even before it, because I think telling the truth is always preferred, as it always yields better results, so I don't work with lies, even if they do lie to me. Over time, my blunt honesty makes them believe my word and gives them a sense of security.

Yesterday, my wife asked if a given shoe was from another woman (we are living apart). I told her, very relaxed, that these were her own shoes and that she should not worry because if I had brought another woman to my place, she would know from my mouth, not from her findings. At the same time, I was being patient and gentle with her while trying to comfort her. But I didn't worry about lifting from the computer and walking towards her. We talked across two different rooms.

I think this is not yet the ideal definition of when boundaries fail. You see the success story #1, from John Galt. He gave his wife an ultimatum in which she would have to leave, or he would file for divorce and leave, taking the kids with him. And he also gave her the option of attending therapy.

This has obviously created a huge amount of fear in her. She probably was afraid that her hospital stay records would make it easy for him to take full custody of the kids. And he was effectively using what was in his power to take control of everything, including her, because the proposal leaves her out of options. The only way she could be with the kids would be to attend therapy.

Ok, his intent was to bring peace to him and the kids. His intent was not to promote fear or exert control on her, but that's effectively what he did.

After reading this and all other success stories in the thread, I got to a conclusion. Unfortunately, I think the actions that the mentally healthy partner needs to take must include taking control of everything that's important (such as finances and kids), and it must also instill fear in the BPD partner so that they are pushed into therapy. The goal, however, must be non-egotistical, and the entire communication and transition must be done in a compassionate way.

In my case, fear was the only thing that made my wife leave. I said that if she didn't leave, I would leave and close the rent contract, so the landlord would remove her. With that, she became afraid that she could be forced to pack and leave to her mom by herself (without my support). So she preferred to leave with my support, which would also not deprive the kids from being here. With that successful ultimatum, I took full control of my well-being and allowed myself to raise my kids in peace. Since she gets overwhelmed so easily, most of the time she is only with the newborn while I'm with the rest of the pack.

I could have gone further and added more pressure so that she got more involved in her treatments, but I decided to be patient. Raising a newborn by herself while dealing with her controlling mother is already too much of a challenge for her, so I'll wait for her to adapt. So how I see this is that my plan only worked because it came from a place of love, but it did make me take control and did make her fearful of the consequences of not complying.

So that's my conclusion. Fear and control are necessary, but your plan can only work if it comes from a place of love towards your BPD partner and it is executed with compassion, providing them with an exit option in which they make some effort but avoid the worst consequences.


Correct. That's why the fear is needed. Fear is the most powerful way to give them the motivation to seek treatment.

In rare cases, the fear comes from something else, but it's always there. For instance, in one of the success stories, fear came from the pain that a friend's death caused in their family:

"I think the turning point was the death of her best friend through suicide. ... seeing the pain they went through made her realise she never wanted to put me or her family through the same " (link)

So this was the fear of actually dying (maybe with a drug overdose or a suicide attempt), plus the fear of making her own family go through all of that pain.

My divorce took about 2 years.    It was finalized recently, though in the 11th hour I found myself in a position of getting a deal with some concessions I didn’t like vs pushing onward with the legal process.   I decided in the end to pay more money than I probably should have to end this on the theory that the legal costs were going to approach what I would save anyway.  I should have gotten a prenup, and that was a very expensive thing to learn the hard way but it could have been so much worse. 

The attorney I chose had seen all kinds of situations and mental health issues, and seemed to understand but also thought it didn’t matter from a tactical standpoint.  He kept us looking reasonable and went by the letter of the law.   It may have made a difference that I chose an attorney who was well known and respected by the judge, and my ex hired an out of town high priced attorney that the judge did not know.     I started feeling ready to date someone else about a year later.    I wish none of it had ever happened and really feel for all you guys, nobody deserves this.