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Over one year ago, as things became unbearable for me for the first time, I asked my wife to leave our home. Over time, I have asked it again many other times, unsuccessfully. But now it's working.
My mistake was that I only expressed myself during moments of conflict or shortly after but didn't say it anymore after our "repair moments." So she didn't take me seriously. But now I decided I would not allow us to do any reattachment until this conversation was final. And it worked. After many attempts, I got her to position herself. So we have made an agreement. She said that she will leave in two weeks.
The key moment of our conversation was when I reasoned with her about the expenses. Her main argument was to call me selfish. She said I wanted all of the comfort for myself, while she would have to move into a much smaller apartment with her mother. She says she doesn't trust her sister, and her mother is controlling, and she doesn't want to get the "My house, my rules" type of response from her mom. Also, she pointed out that her mother had very limited financial resources, while my wife isn't working and would take two kids to that place.
I said that we only have two options. Either she leaves or I leave. But it only makes sense for me to leave if she gets the money to pay for the rent plus monthly bills. We live in a graceful condominium that is very much like a club on a farm, and kids love it. Also, I pay way less than market price for this rent because I made a good deal. So I don't want to move elsewhere, unless she stays here with the kids, but then she would have to pay for the rent and the 6-month deposit.
Allowing her to stay, even though she doesn't have the money, was the key part of our conversation that made her feel validated and agree to leave. But she is afraid of having conflicts with her mother and having to confront a "this is my house, so those are my rules" type of response. I understand it somehow because her mother communicates in a very crude way and becomes toxic when she drinks. But her mother is not always at home. She works 3-by-3 (3 days working and 3 days resting).
After giving it a quick thought, I said to my wife that she could come back during the days that her mother is there, in case they have conflicts. She said, "Oh no, you'll not allow that; you'll just bring another woman to this bed." My spontaneous response was to laugh loudly and then say, "No, I'll not do this; I will protect you because I love you." She then got her eyes shining with emotion.
Because of what she said, I couldn't hold myself from imagining another woman in my bed, nude. So I thought to myself, "Not that another woman in this bed isn't a bad idea, because I haven't had sex in a while." Fortunately, I didn't share my intrusive thoughts with her. But in reality the best candidate woman is my own wife. She is super gorgeous. How can I find another 6-inch girl that's as pretty, effective, and funny as her?
My goal is to find the peace I need to get my life going. I'll have to pay alimony, but with peace I should be able to improve my well-being and then make much more money. I know that I can increase my monthly wage threefold while still taking care of kids in shared custody, because I have done this before. And with the AI takeover threat, it's time to make savings.
At the same time, I'd like her to do DBT and get better to the point that she can return one day. I'm reading all of the success stories on this board, and I truly wish that I'll be able to write mine in the future. I am aware that recovery is not something we can bet on, but I've got faith. And regardless of our status, I want her to get better.
I'm not sure if she will hold her word and leave or if something else will get in the way. But I'm taking it seriously, and I won't give up. Tomorrow we'll talk to her mother about it.
My expectation is that we'll maintain a healthier relationship without living together and that we will still see each other, but now in a way that I can reinforce my boundaries. On the other hand, I'm aware that it may just not work out, but I'm fine with letting go, if needed.
Does it sound like a viable plan?
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