Thank you for sharing your perspective. There are no kids together. We are not married. I’m in individual therapy, but he is not currently in treatment and refuses any. (There is nothing wrong with him).

What’s hardest for me isn’t just the escalation — it’s the lack of repair and the shutdown afterward. It is exhausting. I love him and I am tired. He recently went to visit his mom and while there he barely called me for two weeks. He's been back...not even a week...and here we sit hours later and is still avoiding me from this morning's event.

Hi again,

I second the notion of not asking for digital communication and leaving the ball in your wife's court.

If there is any hope for a healthy relationship post what has happened (if you are still interested in that, once things settle and you have time to think), your wife needs to take accountability and put in the very hard work needed to change her patterns of thinking and behaviours. When you rush in to rescue her and find solutions for the messes SHE created, whether that is with money, trying to lessen the restrictions of the restraining order, or some other way, she learns that what she did was actually not that serious and you will be there for her no matter what. Which is the foundation of a very unhealthy relationship. Yes, she has a mental illness, and as I said before, we can empathize with her and support her if she puts in the work to heal, but if she is abusing you and putting your life in danger, the relationship by its very definition will be unhealthy.

Personally, I do not allow any digital communication between me and my husband, as I have found many times in the past that it spiralled out of control and made me feel like I was losing my mind. This realization came about for me one time when I was furiously responding to some insulting texts that my husband sent and I almost dropped my newborn baby. From then on, I never text, email or respond to any of these except in an emergency. And he knows the "rules" and generally does not even try to use digital communication anymore. He has reached out to me through sending physical letters  (we are currently not living together, and there are times when he can't handle talking calmly on the phone or in-person), so there are out-of-the-box ways of communicating when someone is motivated.

Sometimes, when I am unsure of how serious my husband's behaviour is and how I should respond, as it is easy to lose sight of what is "normal" when exposed to so much chaos,  I imagine someone else talking about the incident to me (ie as though my friend is telling over what happened to them). That helps me put things in perspective. So, for example if your friend told you an imaginary scenario about how their wife has been out of control for the past few years, to the point where their wife recently came at them with a pistol, and now has a restraining order against her, would you recommend digital contact? You get the point.

I can attest to the fact that it is so hard to have conflicting feelings of loving our partner and wishing we could have only the "normal" part of them without all the drama, even when they behave in abusive ways. It is also incredibly hard to have the strength to not rescue them and to focus on bettering and healing ourselves, and leave them to work on themselves if they choose to do so . But in my opinion, not saving your wife will increase the likelihood of you healing regardless of the outcome of the marriage, and of her potentially getting the help she needs as well. I have tried all the overlooking, all the validating, all the rescuing, and there comes a point where it just doesn't work...

All of what you have said up to now seems compatible with BPD.

Asking them why they behaved in this or that way is a bit futile. They may point to triggers, but they don't actually understand why they behave abnormally. All they know is to blame you for their behavior, often trying to reignite the conflict.

According to the OES theory, this is well explained because of the unconscious and uncontrollable attempts to stimulate endorphins out of the self-defeating conflict.

Staying grounded and not absorbing will be impossible while you are around them and very difficult even when you are far from them. But if you can keep yourself apart, it may be feasible, but only if you are emotionally self-sufficient and mentally healthy. If anything makes you weak and you need proximity, while seeking their emotional support, you might just get trouble instead.

But 10 years is a lot to survive. Do you have kids? Do you or he do any kind of psychological treatment?

We’ve been together 10 years. There have always been moments of name-calling during conflict, but I feel like it’s become more specific and more cutting recently. He blamed for sabotaging his weekends, creating calamity for drama, not listening. He says I never listen.

He can be very loving and present at times, but when he feels criticized or rejected, he escalates and then shuts down. There’s rarely repair afterward, which is what feels hardest for me. I wouldn't say he "love bombs"...maybe when we first met. He was at a really low point in his life and I "saved" him...but now it feels nothing I do is right.

This spoke to me:  "if you don't want to be called one don't be one" because my partner says the same thing to me when he calls me names and I ask him to stop. I'm so glad you have made the tough decision to not take the abuse. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Hello and welcome to the family.  What you describe has to be really tough in the moment and many of us here have had similar experiences with BPD friends, family, or partners.  That doesn't mean this is BPD you're dealing with, but you can receive support here regardless.

For someone with BPD, they can be highly emotional and read into a situation a lot deeper than we would if they fear rejection or abandonment in the moment. 

Maybe that's all that happened in the moment, maybe not.  But the bigger pattern of becoming offensive afterwards and suggesting a breakup makes this feel very familiar to me and what myself and others have experienced on this site. 

This is not your fault because you had the best of intentions when things went sideways.  And if you are looking to remain in the relationship, there are ample tools here to help you communicate in a different style to limit these types of experiences.  I don't want to get ahead of ourselves though so I'll pause there.

How long have you been together with your partner?  Were the dynamics always like this, or has there been a change more recently?  Talk it out a little more for us.

Hi Ellibear2,

Your first post can be found here and there are a few replies- https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062167.msg13234199#msg13234199

If you received any personal messages, look up above this thread at the light green bar.  It's just above the Bing search box and you'll see "Help!", "Boards", "Search Threads", "Search Members", and the 5th option is "Pvt Mail". 

Click on "Pvt Mail" and you can read your personal messages there.

Just let us know if you need any additional help!  You should be able to post freely.

Hi everyone. I’m looking for perspective.
My partner and I had a conflict this morning during intimacy. He felt I wasn’t engaged and ended it abruptly. When I tried to talk about it, he escalated — called me names (including “b!tch” and “p!ss ant”), told me to “shut up,” and said if I wanted to end the relationship I should “grow some balls and say it.”
When I later asked if he really believes those things about me, he said he uses those words to “get my attention” and “shut me up so he can talk.”
This isn’t the first time I’ve been called names over the years, and there’s rarely repair afterward. Today he’s mostly emotionally shut down.
I’m not trying to diagnose him, but I’m struggling to understand what this pattern is and whether it aligns with BPD traits or something else. I’m feeling confused and would appreciate perspective. For those of you who’ve dealt with BPD traits in a partner, does this kind of escalation and shutdown resonate? How do you stay grounded and not absorb it?

Hi DesertDreamer,

If doing yoga helps you, that's nice. If you can make it more aerobic, that's even better. Strengthening exercises are also good.

You said you would look at why you "allow romantic love to be such a driver of your life's path & energies." So I'll suggest a book to you:

• Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.

You are brave for being willing to stay in the country, betting on the high demand for restaurants. I would be concerned about that, since I have no experience. But maybe it's easier for you.

Congratulations on getting your big room and for gradually making new connections. It sounds like a promising fresh start.

Hi PainLovePain,

I respect CC43's opinion, but I'm not sure if it's the most effective one. I think it would be nearly impossible for her to seek treatment without having any minimal hope of a good future. And a good future must include good human connections with people who care for them. It's hard to invest energy in getting better when no one around shows that they care about your change and when you feel "defected" and worthless. Humans work in collaboration. We need to know that someone that's meaningful for us will appreciate our accomplishments.

On the other hand, I see that digital communication could very well go bad. Eventually, she would dysregulate, if not immediately. And you are new to the tools, so you might make a mistake that makes things worse. Anything invalidating, such as "I don't care," can really trigger her at this moment. And I bet you'll hear her repeat what you said over and over about it "not being your problem," even if your actions keep telling the contrary. She will keep telling you that you don't love her and that you are evil and unscrupulous, and you might not be ready to ignore that without trying to counteract it.

Therefore, I think the ideal solution is to have an intermediary person that will talk to both of you and make sure the conversation does not go the wrong way. This person would filter out irrelevant stuff and communicate only what is essential. Maybe it could be a lawyer or a bridge between the two lawyers from both of you. Maybe it could be a counselor in online weekly meetings.

Another idea is to use AI to be the intermediary entity. I didn't find an app for spouses under a restraining order, but there are apps for similar situations. For instance, there are many options for divorced parents who need a safe and tracked way to communicate with each other about their kids under AI moderation. Examples:

• OurFamilyWizard: It provides structured, recorded messaging and includes an AI “ToneMeter” that rewrites messages to keep them neutral and non-provocative. All communication is logged and can be reviewed by courts or professionals.
• AppClose: Secure, encrypted communication with permanent records and optional access for attorneys, mediators, or other third parties who can observe the exchanges.
• TalkingParents: Messaging, calling, and file sharing with tamper-proof records admissible in court; reduces direct contact and “he-said-she-said” disputes.
• BestInterest: AI filters incoming messages, blocks hostile language, and coaches responses to reduce escalation in high-conflict dynamics.
• Custody Companion (Apple): Uses AI to draft diplomatic messages and analyze communication patterns to keep interactions professional.

There is also an app that helps to mediate conflict:

• TheMediator.AI : Each person communicates privately with the system, and the AI summarizes positions, identifies common ground, and proposes a resolution. The parties do not directly see each other’s raw messages.

And this other app that just tries to suggest better responses before each part submits them.

• Relationship Ref – AI Mediator (App Store) : This one analyzes conversations and suggests de-escalating responses in real time, acting as a “third party in your pocket.” It still involves direct communication, but with AI filtering and guidance to reduce escalation.

Thanks for giving me this insight. I might try one of those with my BPD wife and with my BPD ex-wife. Note that we must deeply explore the app before even proposing it.