Maybe I can add some perspective on this from the standpoint of a daughter. At 17, I didn't understand the whole of what was going on with my BPD mother until much later but I knew something was different and that her behavior, at times, was not appropriate.  A focus of the family was "normalizing" her. It was important to her to appear as if she was a good and loving mother but her behavior was obviously different from other mothers. My father also would tell me "she really loves you"- I think perhaps he thought it would make me feel better, but she was also at times, emotionally and verbally abusive. This was very confusing - "love" and verbal/emotional abuse at the same time. In actuality, love to BPD mother was more about her emotional needs. You know yourself that when you told your daughter that her mother loved her, it wasn't entirely authentic. While I don't suggest you say derogatory things to her about her mother, I think honesty, validating your daughter's perspective, would be more valuable to your D.

From the physical standpoint, I could be left alone with her at 17, and we kids were home alone with her at times then. I was not physically abused, and we kids had what we needed. I could do household tasks- cooking, laundry. I was very self sufficient in these ways. But home alone with BPD mother was not emotionally safe. She tended to pull it together when others were around but alone, where nobody else could see, was not emotionally safe. You know that your wife's BPD affects other relationships besides yours and BPD does affect all relationships, including that with your children.

It may appear that your D can fend for herself. Children in this situation tend to be "parentified"- mature for their years. That can be good in some ways but emotionally - what they need is to feel emotionally safe. From my perspective, your D needs her father to protect her emotional safety and to not leave her to fend for herself- whatever you decide to do with your marriage.

I would not wait or expect your wife to go along with any plan according to your D's therapist. Your wife may say your D needs her- because, it's a horrible thought to a mother to think their children don't need her. However, to have her D with her may be more about her own needs than your D's. You will have to decide what is in your D's best interest, and also ask your D as well. At 17, she has a voice in this too.

Your daughter is old enough that the judge may ask her what kind of custody arrangement she would like. She is also old enough to apply to be emancipated in some legal jurisdictions. She may also be appointed a guardian ad litem who will advocate for her in the custody dispute. I am not sure if it would be appropriate or not for you to ask her what her preferences are for custody, though surely she has feelings about how she spends time with each parent.

The fake concern sounds familiar.  After I posted above about how BPDxw started accusing me of "stealing her money" after our divorce was finalized, I went back and read through some of the messages I rec'd from BPDxw around that time. 

I had forgotten that like on a weekly basis for MONTHS after our divorce was finalized she was sending me messages with these false claims of me neglecting our daughter on her overnight and weekend visits, only giving her a bag of chips in her school lunch, etc., along with this fake tone of "concern" and "helpful suggestions" like "you can find examples of healthy food to make our daughter with a quick internet search.  If you're too busy, I can send you some tips." 

I don't know what her goal was.  I guess the thought that if we ever ended up in court again, this was "evidence" against me. 

It was infuriating to read this stuff, but I never took the bait and responded.  That fake tone of concern though strikes me as so insidious and so practiced.  Like your mother, she was intentionally misleading others or trying to.  Their lives would be better if they just DID THE WORK, instead of constantly trying to manipulate others into doing it for them. 

It's funny now, to consider how BPDxw's words contrasted with her actions; she adopts this "Oh, I am first and foremost a mother, and it's lucky for our daughter's sake that I stayed on top of my ex husband!  You know how men are..."  But in reality, I recently had to teach my daughter how to do her own laundry, because she told me her bed at her mom's house was gross and her mom was "too busy" to clean her sheets.  And wouldn't buy her a second set.  And last year took her to the pediatrician who told me she was borderline anemic and needed supplements (And BPDxw argued with me and the pediatrician over that, and claimed she just needed more exercise when she was at my house.)   

Awe!  Thank you, I don't even know why I LOOK (though....a mutual FB friend is having a baby & she posted & that (hard to believe I am 56! ) "stung"...it is going to be what it is going to be!  I hope YOU had a GREAT bday!

and the whole kill her with kindness will backfire, given her self admitted usual mindset of keeping in touch with exes, recycling etc....I don't want this to open any doors or make her feel comfortable reaching out more.

Hi there,

Let me guess:  your daughters never forgave you for divorcing your dad.  They blame you for all the problems in their lives.  They cultivate a negative, victim attitude which is the core of their identity.  They hold unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of you--to serve them, to give them money, to take care of their kids and affairs, to bail them out, to sacrifice your life, to constantly prove your devotion to them.  They throw tantrums when you don't meet their insatiable demands.  While you bend over backwards to help, they do precious little to improve their own lives.  They are all take and no give.  And the worst part is, they are mean to you, calling you selfish, narcissistic, controlling, lazy, uncaring, childish, a loser, manipulative, domineering, incompetent, psychotic, undeserving of love--when you are the opposite.  That right there is typically projection of their own negative self-image onto you.  You crave closeness with them and the grandkids, but they don't really want closeness, they want a slave.  And my bet is they use the grandkids as pawns, threatening to prohibit access to them if you don't do exactly what you're told.  Meanwhile, you're worried about the grandkids growing up with an unstable and/or inattentive parent who acts inappropriately in front of the child.  Does that sound about right?

I'd advise, if you are being attacked, you should disengage.  My advice--don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), just do it, as calmly and quietly as you can muster.  You could leave the room, hang up the phone, get busy with laundry, go to the bathroom, go for a walk, leave the nasty text unanswered.  Think of it as an "adult time out," and give your daughter(s) time and space to calm down, while at the same time, you take a break yourself.  My other advice is, don't interrupt the time out if at all possible.  Don't check in, beg for forgiveness, explain yourself, send money, bail her out or ask about anything.  Let her be the one who reaches out to you.  If she's still riled up, extend the time out.  Try only to engage when she's being civil.  My guess is that though she's an adult, she hasn't learned yet that she can't treat people like crap.  She thinks it's OK to have raging outbursts and be mean to others, because in her world, her incentives have been all mixed up--the more she rages, the more rewards she gets, such as money, free housing, free babysitting, etc.  She treats other friends/employers/romantic partners this way and wonders why they won't stick around.  Others won't put up with that, and nor should you.  Fair enough?

Now I'm not sure from your post how old your daughters are, but by my thinking, if they are 25 or older, your role probably needs to change.  When they were younger, I think it's appropriate for parents to help financially/logistically/administratively, as well as to dispense loving advice about life--because young adults are new at "adulting."  You might try to advise about housing, insurance, education, employment, home economics, child rearing, whatever.  But I think that adult children with BPD hear advice as criticism; they can't see through all the emotional baggage, either.  By age 25 or so, I think the role of a parent needs to shift.  You are not a provider and full-time nurturer anymore.  You are not really an adviser anymore either, unless you're asked.  I think you're mostly a loving cheerleader.  If your daughter(s) say, they want to move somewhere else, or start "fresh," I think you say, That sounds nice, I can see why you'd like that, and then stop.  No questions (how do you expect to afford it?), no warnings (you'll be far away from family who help you), no offers to help search for a place, no job-hunting assistance.  If they want to change, they need to take the lead.  The same goes with therapy--you can't force them to get therapy, and if you even mention therapy, they're likely to turn it against you and say you're psycho.  Most of all, I think you refrain from doing things that your daughters are capable of doing for themselves.  When you over-function for them and start to feel resentment, that's a sure sign that it's time to change what you're doing.

Please don't feel guilty about leaving your daughters.  If they are old enough to have kids, they are old enough to take care of themselves.  You deserve a life too you know.  Sure, they know how to press the Guilt button on the Mom ATM/babysitting machine.  You just have to disable that button. 

This was going to be her and I alone. That just isn't safe, to me. I know what she's capable of.

I'm not sad and angry everyday. And my boss came into my office and said they'll work with me but there may be a time we need to collaborate with just us...but that's a no. Strangely she said she doesn't foresee it soon as our roles are not related to each other at all. But given opportunities that may change.

I understand the whole forgive and all, and I'm in that mindset with other exes, even those who cheated on me. With her I just don't WANT that. You can't be telling coworkers I've hit you. You can't call the police on me in my own home saying you don't feel safe or I'm scaring you. Domestic violence is a huge thing in my state, and as my sister, a cop said, at the very least I'd be detained during their investigation. If she lies more, things get bad. If she gets a restraining order, I won't be allowed to even live in my own home since she lived there. She could have ruined my life, COULD have.

I've moved on quite well and have navigated this well regarding no-contact. I simply don't want to see her. And there is absolutely no business need as everyone including my boss has said.   

It's a tough topic for sure and unfortunately, we've had this same conversation many times because you broke up...yet she still lingers.

I'll echo advice that I shared last year.  If your paths must cross in a professional environment, so be it.  Your fear of her is just, but it also empowers her in an unhealthy way.  I would take that power back by speaking directly to her in a room full of professionals and absolutely killing her with kindness.

Don't let her intimidate you at work any longer than you have to.  I would NEVER be alone with her, but in front of others I would be cool, calm, and collective as I wished her the best and showed that she's not harming me any more.  After all, that's why she is still there and still in your orbit.  She knows it bothers you.  So stop letting it.

The things she said and did, those things happened because she's mentally ill.  I was in that position with a BPD ex-wife and a BPD daughter.  And you know what I did that stole every bit of their hatred and anger?  I forgave them for everything...and then I let all of that pain go.  It's not their faults that they're mentally ill and I didn't want to be angry (or afraid) anymore.  So I stopped giving into that and released it through forgiveness.

That won't be popular advice here, but I hope it helps my friend.

In the USA the family courts generally ignore incidents older than 6 months as legally stale or too old to litigate.  Apparently the policy reflects the view that if it was that serious then it would have been brought to the court's attention long before.

However, perhaps there in your country they do have the concept that a pattern of poor behavior is actionable despite the passage of time.  Have you documented the conflict and that you're not the one doing the aggressive behavior?

Your daughter will be 18 within a year, have the lawyers said that is when custody/parenting orders would end or would they continue until she completes school.

In general we encourage our members to avoid the impression of exiting and leaving the minor children behind.  While you would  be away only briefly, don't give your spouse the impression you're abandoning your daughter.  She's welcome to spend time with you even if you're in temporary lodging.

and you really can't argue with documented facts: domestic violence on her end, destroying parts of my house when moving out, stealing quite a bit of my stuff, dumping me then calling the cops saying she was afraid of me, telling everyone for months I'm a physically abusive, controlling, toxic manipulative narcissist. You just CAN'T be around that person.