Folks,

How have you moved from lots of contact to low contact or low contact to no contact?

Thanks!

Hi. Has anybody ever initiated a temporary period of separation from pwbpd to give you time to recover your emotional balance? How did that affect lay out?  Thank you!

Not as much with food but my BPD mother did this with objects. We weren't allowed to touch or use things that were hers. This went beyond personal items- which we wouldn't do that with anyway, but I avoided cooking anything in her kitchen because it would use her pots and pans. One time, I brought a carton of ice cream in and put it in the freezer and she got angry because I didn't ask permission. I could make a cup of tea in her kitchen without issues but I didn't attempt to do anything else.

I think underlying this behavior is needing a sense of control. This kind of behavior is often driven by anxiety. As to food- pwBPD also can have eating disorders, or your fiancee's behavior may also come from childhood if food was budgeted. Even if there was enough to eat, if one person ate more than their share, others would have less. So she may have some anxiety over her food and knowing it is there if she wants it. For my BPD mother, she felt a need to have control over objects in her house.

I'm the opposite when it comes to communal food and objects. Large family sizes are often less costly in the long run than smaller ones. So even in college, with room mates, we could have our own personal favorites but buy some items in bulk and share them, along with kitchen items as long as everyone cleans up their own mess. It usually worked out for everyone. That may be your thinking too but it doesn't work with your fiancee. She doesn't see it your way, so you would need to accommodate this preference if you choose to move forward with the relationship.

Hi and welcome to the forums. We've all been through the same thing so we know exactly where youre coming from.


A lot of BPD's won't ever admit they have any sort of problem, always playing 'the victim' and can react badly to any accusations of being the cause. Even when breakups happen a lot they can't make the logical connection that they are the common denominator in every incident. BPD is an illness of self-denial and if the sufferer believes they aren't the problem then they'll do nothing to try it fix it. In their mind it's 'the world' that needs fixing, never them.

If you keep contacting them they can become overwhelmed and this can make them withdraw further. We're often in a no-win situation where if we ignore them they think we dont care and if we make too much fuss we're 'controlling and demanding'.  BPD can turn our well-meaning acts into ones seen as hostile.

One thing applies to all versions of BPD; you can't make them do anything they don't want to. I'd be inclined to send her a simple and sincere message that you're there for her whenever she wants to talk and then you can do no more - the ball is firmly in her court.

I used to give my exBPD g/f space to cool off and she would eventually return to the place we used to go, but she could takes weeks - and in one case 9 months - to do it. Once I'd wrote though, I didn't keep contacting her.

Hope this helps, no doubt others will be along to give help and advice too.

Welcome to the site and so sorry to hear what you're going through. We understand totally because BPD runs like a pre-written script and all here have experienced exactly what you're going through; it's truly devastating to see someone change from the person you thought they were into a total uncaring stranger.


As has been previously said, this is standard behaviour for someone with BPD as they don't want to be alone and will rapidly jump - or 'monkey branch' as it's known - to others in their quest to find what they want emotionally. The problem is always that they never know what they want as their emotional needs change from one moment to the next; they're chasing the impossible.

The ony consolation is that she will inevitably treat her new partner the same way she's treated you. After the initial 'newness' wears off, she will see his flaws - whether real or imagined - and he will be treated exactly as you were. BPD is a repeating, self-destructve cycle which, without professional treatment and the willingness to follow it through, she will never be able to break.

As Foreverdad said 'the past is likely to predict the future' and this is 100% correct, as we've all found. She may well return in future - she seems to be keeping some communication going with you, but then BPD's will always try to keep people as options; a backup if all else fails, so be careful what you read into it.

The main question you need to ask yourself is 'Could I put up with this happening all the time, the constant cycle of love and hate?' 'Are the good times worth enduring the bad times?'The mental strain of a BPD relationship is definitely the worst I've ever been through and I'm sure most here would agree it's been their worst life experience too.

We're all with you, whatever you decide.

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are often known to jump quickly into new relationships.  I believe the description is called "object constancy".  Object constancy is the ability to retain a bond with another person.  Perhaps the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" might be another explanation.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder

Another aspect to consider could be that they have such a fear of abandonment that they sabotage themselves by abandoning others before they can be abandoned.


She might return, or she might not.  But if she's not in meaningful long term therapy and diligently applying it in her life and perceptions... then the past will be a predictor of the future.  Perhaps a better question is, Do you want to risk more police and court involvement, again?

Since this post she has since gotten into a new relationship with a friend I had been concerned about just 15days after ending it with me. I will never understand how she ca. Hurt me this way. Will she ever return to me.

My long distance gf with quiet BPD broke up with me suddenly over text last week citing that the long distance was "too much" for her. When I asked her to call me she said that a call would be "breaking her boundaries". She was very apologetic but cold/short with her responses. The next day I awoke and found she had blocked me on almost everything. I made the unfortunate mistake of chasing her for a week. I spammed her with texts, a burner, and a message to her friend assuring her that I wished her the best and wanted to just get closure. Unfortunately, the last communication I received from her was when I reached out on secondary account and told her "I am reading up on the BPD discard and am hear whenever you want to talk" to which she replied "I'm sick of people attributing my breakups to my mental condition" before another block on that account. I took to Google AI as a last resort to try and gain some knowledge where it has assured me that maintaining no contact will result in her eventually unblocking and attempting a charm. However, the more I read into more specific cases, it seems that with Quiet BPD, there is no charm. And besides, her reasoning for ending things and blocking is actually reasonable: long distance is hard.

I am now on day 9 of indefinite no contact. My question is: does no contact work on a person with quiet BPD the same way it does with regular BPD? What are the chances I ever speak to her again? She told me things that she assured me she has never told any ex, and I am certain I am her favorite person. What are my chances that she gets in contact with me? Should I break no contact and reach out eventually? I would love some insight from someone who was dealt with Quiet BPD. Thank you!

Hi Alone,

I hope you see that if you come here, you're not entirely alone.  My guess is that you're numb, mainly because your daughter has been making poor decisions for years now, and yet she still expects you to rescue her.  While you feel empathy for your daughter's pain and interpersonal difficulties related to BPD, that is no excuse for her to act badly in my opinion.  You've already spent years dreading those late-night calls for urgent help from your daughter, correct?  You've rescued her countless times, and yet she still doesn't seem to learn from her mistakes?  She expects you to fix things, and pay her expenses, all the while she treats you like dirt?  She can't seem to finish school, or keep a job, or manage a stable living situation, or get along with other people, no matter how much you help her--with tuition, coaching, encouragement, emotional support, transportation, spending money, administrative support, co-signing--correct?  Meanwhile, she self-sabotages at every turn, abusing substances, acting out, ruining anything good in her life.  Basically she quits everything and has given up on herself, while she expects YOU to work on her life, double-time.  She RESENTS you for needing you so much, and she's simultaneously extremely entitled, demanding, ungrateful and unaccountable.  All her interpersonal relationships are a mess.  Does that sound about right?  If it does, it's because I've lived it.

And now, she's in jail.  Surely she'll blame her ex for calling the cops, and probably you too.  She'll probably try to flip the script and say her ex was violent, using her typical blame-shifting tactics.  Her thinking can be so delusional that she might actually believe her own lies, as she rewrites history and embellishes the story over time.

I think you absolutely did the right thing, refusing to bail out your daughter and aiding the cops in reprimanding her.  If your daughter hasn't learned how to be a civil member of society from her family, in part because of a lifetime of emotional baggage, then she needs remedial help, through some combination of professional intervention from police, doctors,  therapists and/or social workers.  She probably won't learn anything else from you, because she doesn't want to!  Besides, you're probably at the end of your rope.  You've tried everything, and yet nothing seems to work.  Many parents on this site can relate.  Nothing is going to work until your daughter decides to make some changes for the better.  You are not the solution to her problems.  She is.

Maybe now's a good time to try something different.  How about this?  You take care of yourself first.  You've spent a lifetime taking care of your daughter, and now she's an adult (I presume).  You deserve to refocus on yourself, and that starts now.  You focus on your wellness and managing your stress.  You take care of your home, your partner, your job if you have one.  You cultivate your friendships and have time for sound sleep, exercise, hobbies and vacations.  You need to take care of your finances and the other relationships in your life.  In short, you need to model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That does NOT mean your whole life revolves around managing your daughter's toxic BPD behaviors.  It sounds to me like you need a break from that.  My advice?  Take a break!  Take a walk, or an art class, or a swim in the ocean, anything that gets you in a good headspace again.  If you feel good for a few minutes, then you know what works for you, and you repeat it!  How does that sound?  (For me, I found that swimming in my gym's pool was therapeutic.  There was something about the cool water, the sensation of floating, rhythmic strokes and controlled breathing that would help me re-center and reset.  If swimming sounds too challenging, water aerobics is a popular option for all fitness levels, especially if you don't want to get your head wet.)

If you flinch at the sound of a text alert or phone call from your daughter, you take a break and let the calls go to voicemail.  You don't have to be "on call" all the time to bail her out.  Try turning off your phone alerts at night, to protect your rest.

Oftentimes on this site, I recommend trying to slow walk.  That means being less reactive to your daughter, if not emotionally, then by slowing down all your responses to her.  One example might be, if she asks for a money or a favor, your default response is, Let me think about it, I'll let you know next week.  And you buy yourself some time to really think about it, when it's convenient for you--definitely not during your workday or during meals.  In addition, you give her some time and space to try to sort out her own problem first.  Most of all, you don't have to say Yes.  You can say No.  If you don't want to give her money or do the favor, then absolutely say No.  In short, you stop adjusting your schedule on demand to rescue your daughter.

I can tell you that I've skipped vacations, returned early from important events, provided money, free housing and all sorts of physical/logistical/administrative/emotional support to my adult BPD stepdaughter to rescue her, over and over again.  What do I get in return?  More dysfunction, zero gratitude, zero reciprocation, lots of blaming and misplaced anger.  I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let her completely disrupt my life anymore.  I vowed to myself that I wouldn't continue to enable a bizarro world of mixed-up incentives, where her decisions have consequences for my life, while she is shielded from the natural consequences of her own behavior.  There were many times I felt I was trying harder to make a life for her than she was.  Not anymore.

As parents, I think we help more by getting out of her way.  She needs to learn she's responsible for her own life, not her parents.  Maybe we'll  be amenable to support her from time to time, but when she's being respectful, and when helping her fits in our schedule and budget.  We're not dropping/sacrificing everything in our life to bail her out anymore, only to see her give up on herself again AND blame it on us afterwards.  I think resentment and despair are sure signs that we're enabling dysfunctional behavior more than supporting.  Does that make sense?

It took me over ten years before I finally cut contact with my NPD sister in law.  I discussed it with my kids first, because I was concerned about how it would affect them.  And they were good with it.  I remained no contact for 5 years, and am currently limited contact.  Though she has been trying to charm over the past year.  It was a very good 5 years of no contact.  My stress levels dropped immediately.  I felt like it brought me closer to God, and gave me a lot of clarity. I don't know what it's like for everyone dealing with a relative that is cluster B, but cutting contact really felt like the only way that I could keep my peace and protect my boundaries. Even now, we are limited contact, and I am going to be polite if I see her, but I can see that any contact with her is interpreted as proof of friendship and reconciliation.  Right now it's hard to avoid contact because my parents are elderly and both have dementia, and I have started doing two days of care taking for them.  And I believe that SIL is taking advantage of my being there to visit my parents more often. 

I wanted to add that SIL was always very controlling and mean spirited.  But when I cut contact, she suddenly changed her tune.  And she acts like she's always loved me and wants so much to be friends.  When my parents pass away, I don't expect that we'll have much to do with her or my brother at all.