Something to consider is - why is this spiralling downward when you are trying so hard to be a good listener and show compassion? Why are these behaviors (criticizing you, accusing you) increasing?
The advice on this board is to validate the feeling while not validating what isn't valid. How does one do this?
For someone with BPD, feelings feel like facts. You aren't a narcissist. However, she feels you are, is convinced that you are. What you are doing is being more patient, more kind, more explaining that what she's accusing you isn't true. You are trying to prove her wrong.
To her though, that feels invalidating, and when invalidated, she escalates. You defend more.
To change this, you would need to take a risk and do something different. Look at what you are doing now. Is it helping? No, whatever you are doing now isn't helping. However, you know the outcome of what you are doing now. It's predictable. Doing something different- you don't know the outcome, it's risky, but - there's a possibility of change there- maybe for the better, maybe not, but it's not getting better with what you are doing anyway.
A counselor advised me to substitute something absurd for the accusation, in thinking only. It helps to tone down your emotional reaction. What if, instead of narcissist, your wife accused you of being a pink elephant. What if she was listening to videos about you being an elephant, telling you that you have elephant eyes, and tusks. Would you defend yourself and try to prove to her that you aren't an elephant?
When your wife accuses you of being a narcissist (elephant)- she feels that and so it's a fact to her.
"You have dead eyes and zero empathy"- instead of explaining how you are listening, try " that must feel so hurtful to think I don't have empathy for you". This is validating her feelings, not admitting to not having empathy. Then she will probably reply with more hurt feelings. "yes it's horrible, it's so hurtful" and you can say something similar like "that must feel really bad".
When she threatens to move to another city you can say "It must be really hard for you right now. I'd be sad if you did that".
Also, for your own emotional sanity, you can't be listening to this all the time. You need to find some time for yourself. Even if you fake it- "I have to run an errand, I'll be back later" - the errand is going to your car and driving somewhere - the park, the coffee shop, wherever you find some quiet.
The hope may be in changing your responses and so, trying something different can allow for that chance.


