I hope I'm replying the correct way to the kind person who replied to my post. Sometimes I don't seem to get the knack of replying within the forum.

Thank you for your kindness. It means a lot. Perhaps I shouldn't feel embarrassed, but trying to explain these feelings to folks with typical relationships (which may not be perfect but are so much less fraught with these sorts of things) is uncomfortable. I appreciate being able to admit the fragility of my relationship with my daughter, here.

Another question.  I want to handle the panic, desperate, emotional phone calls differently. I try to validate, and reason. But logic isn't operating at these times. So I eventually cave to help him calm down. Money, make a call, or whatever. 
Pook, you mentioned that you try to help your daughter calm down.  Any advice in how to do that?  I understand that I may need to end the call (for my peace). I guess I wish there were some suggestions that work for people who are disregulated to talk them down.

Thanks I'll try that !

CC43 is correct when she said an emotionally healthy mother would want her child to thrive. This is not the case for you, and it wasn't for me.

It's good that your mother has her house, but can she manage on her own there? It's also good that she has financial resources. However what can't be known is how she manages them and that isn't something you can control.

Some key questions here-
   How old is your mother?

   Is she on Medicare? Federal doesn't change from state to state but the supplements are state specific. It can be transfered from state to state but that needs to be done.

    Do you have a POA for her to do things on her behalf if you need to (and if she lets you).

   Zachira made a good point about consulting an elder law attorney for information. Understandable that this is too much of a toll on you, but knowing the state laws and what services are available for your mother is something you would want to know before you carry out your plan.

   I consulted one and it was worth the cost to do so. Although you are a lawyer- and there are also some lawyers in my circle to ask- Elder Law is state specific and this wasn't their specialty, or their state. I needed to consult a lawyer in my mother's state.

  In my mother's state, the law leans heavily on protecting the elder parent, not the children. So although she was the one who was abusive, there was nothing in place to protect the adult children.

  So, I think your plan to get your mother out of your house is understandable- for your own well being. I could not have emotionally handled this situation with my own mother. However, in her state, and at her age- such a claim would be hearsay, it carried no weight. It may be different in your mother's, but I think being aware of your mother's rights, and yours in her state, would be good to know if you haven't looked into that yet.

My person wbpd is not my child, so I can't speak to this exact situation.  But your posting touched me so much, I had to reach out and send you support.

I do understand that instinct to defend yourself against imagined accusations! That's part of it for me too.

Of course, I don't know you, but I have to believe that the things you describe having done facilitated the distance your daughter has come emotionally.  And I imagine that she -- like all of us actually -- is continuing to grow.  What is happening now may not always be the situation.

I've had problems with that too, JsMom.  What seems to be is that you click reply to the post, then the empty reply box comes up and the prior entries into the thread are below with directions at top right about "quotebox."

I had songs like that .. that i skip because of him .. but im adding this.  One to my list . Im really happy people are sharing them . Its awesome

It's a tricky line to ride for me. It's been 12 days of no contact and I feel like I've already said all that I could say in that first week of chasing and it's probably best not to break the silence. My reckless chasing probably caused either a permanent split or one that will last a very very long time and that reality has been very hard to face because I feel I really loved her. Since we were long distance I doubt she'll really even be prompted to think about me after a certain amount of time since there isn't much reminding her to do so. I'm hurting badly, but thank you for the response - reading it did help quite a bit. Do you think reaching out after a few weeks with a brief message is wise?

I am so technically challenged. I thought your comment I highlighted would be connected to my message. Maybe next time.

Pook,
Thank you for sharing. For me, it's about being clear about the reality of the issues my son deals with. This has been his life long struggle. I'd love nothing more than to see him healed from this illness. As that's not the case - I need to not be thrown off or discouraged when he choices and actions reflect otherwise. I agree, that for my peace of mind I need to have limited knowledge about his life. That's sad for a parent who loves their child. But as you said I have no control and I'm not willing to ride on that emotional roller-coaster anymore. It hasn't helped him (I have tried for decades) and it sure doesn't help me.
Besides the letting go, I need to grieve I suppose and choose acceptance of what is our reality.  I truly appreciate the support