Thank you guys,  your input and shared experience  helps me to keep walking forward.  I don't rehash all the times he was in anguish or ranting how he hates me but I'm all that he has. I don't replay the ways he's painted me black. I'm believing in myself more . Knowing other good loving people go through these struggles helps me to accept my son has a painful illness and it's not my fault. I'm beginning to see more clearly. 
Many years ago I was married to a pwbpd. There was abuse on every level in our marriage.  I believed I deserved it,that I was the cause.... I believed his "words". ( My Dad was mentally ill - so my self-esteem was pretty non existent when I married ) Anyway,  I got healthy by being in rooms with other women like myself.  Some further along in healing. They helped me then as you all are here. For me therapy alone isn't enough.  It's about others who've walked this road saying here's the way through and out. 

If your son follows through with promises, be content.  But always keep in mind not to expect too much or else your hopes disappoint you if/when they fail into unrealistic hopium.

One general but practical boundary is to exit a conversation when it starts spiraling out of control.  Hopefully, over time he will come to expect you to say, "Son, I'm hanging up.  We can talk later when it's a better time for you."  Or, if "calmer" is a trigger for him, then a calming phrase that works for you and your son.

The main "rule" in my family was "don't upset mother", so we all walked on eggshells. However, this led me to believe I was to blame for things that weren't my doing, such as the issues at home. I actually believed that when I went to college, things would be "normal" at home.

Your D is also learning that "don't upset BPD mother" is the way to avoid repurcussions but for her, it can be more of an adaptation to her situation rather than to adopt a false belief about herself, as you can validate that for her.

Some good nuggets of wisdom here.


And what would hitting bottom be like for her?  Have you ever skipped a flat stone across a pond?  Did you notice how many times it seemed to hit bottom but just kept skipping?  Similarly, what appears to be a bottom now may just turn out to be one of many bottoms.  It's impossible to predict when she might begin and stick with real recovery, if ever.


Listen to your head.  In time your heart will catch up.

This is where you are doing something different for her than what I experienced. I don't blame my father for doing what he knew to do at the time. He was juggling multiple responsibilities- providing all the finances in the family, having to work, and keeping my mother from escalating. Trying to reason with her didn't work, but he could reason with us. Basically, we were more controllable and not going to react like she did. That doesn't mean it was OK to do that, but in a crisis, it was like trying to tame down the drama in any way possible.


You have taken a different course of action. I agree that you don't want to speak poorly to your D about her mother. However, you can be a source of validation for her, for her own sense of reality, as you are doing. If she brings up questions about mental illness, you can encourage her to seek counseling to explain that to her. Student health counseling on college campuses is a good resource for college students when she's there.

You asked what I would do; I'd throw some money at it to make the aggravation go away, and get back the truck that means something to you. Then do what you'd like to do with it-- gift the kids or whatever to remove the emotional cost to you that your ex has a hand in. She's someone else's problem now.

This is kind of what I see; she's not adopting the dishonest, sneaky, emotionally manipulative traits her mom has, but feels responsible for her mom's behavior sometimes. 

I try not to dwell on negative memories and make negative statements about her mom, but have told her I don't like or agree with how her mom behaves and that was a big part of why we divorced.  She doesn't like it either and recognizes that's not how anyone should act. 

But I'm starting to pick up on times she says to me "my mom yelled at me for XYZ, but it was my fault for forgetting to do it/doing it wrong."  And I stop her now and ask if she did it wrong on purpose, or ignored her mom or something like that.  When she says "no" I tell her it's not her fault her mom yelled about that; yelling, getting angry over small stuff is not normal, her mom was wrong there, and she needs to recognize that it's not okay to allow someone to treat you like that (while acknowledging she has to learn to live there for the foreseeable future). 

hopefully this helps her a bit in the long term to recognize the issue...

Hi there,

I highlighted the important lessons you've learned through experience and reflection.  My observation is that it takes two to tango.  You yourself state you don't want to be the one to carry the relationship.  You've worked on yourself, you've figured out what you want, you're ready to move in a positive direction.  But is she?  I'd say, unless she's done at least as much work as you--with therapy, reflection, making positive changes, bolstering her identity as a healthy adult--there's little chance for improvement.  The thing is, with BPD, it takes a whole lot of consistent effort to change deep-seated negative thinking patterns, to learn how to deal with intense emotions, and to start taking responsibility for life instead of blaming everyone else.  If she hasn't done some work and isn't committed to fundamental change, then my humble opinion is that nothing will change between the two of you, at least not on a lasting basis.

You can't do the work that your ex needs to do for herself, no matter how much you want to.  Only she can do that.  The upshot is that BPD is treatable; the rub is that your pwBPD has to do the work herself and actually want to make some positive changes in her life.  Typically she'll only want to do that when she has no other choice, i.e. when she hits bottom.  In my opinion, for as long as she has others to take care of her, she won't hit bottom.

Look, I know it can be heart-wrenching.  But I'd advise, put your heart aside for a moment and focus on your head.  What does reality look like?  Are you trying harder to fix her life than she is?  That's not sustainable, nor fair, really, not in a healthy relationship between adults, which is supposed to be a loving partnership. 

 "Today I realized that this marriage failing isn't a failure. It's just a reality. I'm not cut out for this. Or, she's not in a position of healing enough to become self-reflective and address my own invalidation through our experiences."

It can take years to realize that you are in a one sided relationship that nothing you do will ever make things right. To face this, takes great courage. All that you are learing through this process will allow you to have healthier relationships with yourself and others. Time to turn the page.

I'm reminded of something that occurred periodically over the years.  An ex I knew would get triggered and irate at her son and disown him, bringing him to tears.  She never did actually disown him legally, but it was so devastating to him.  The first time it happened, so far as I know, she was newly separated and he was a preschooler.  He was distressed because she had told him he wasn't obeying her and she was going to adopt a kid who would obey her.  What do you say to a child sobbing that his mother would exchange him for another, beyond comforting him?

That is a pattern seen with pwBPD.  In their own emotional extremes they can strike out at others, virtually defenseless others, then calm down and proceed as though it barely happened.