Hi there,

Unfortunately the situation you describe is very common on these boards--where an untreated BPD adult child will restrict access to grandchildren as punishment.  Based on your post, my sense is that your daughter is jealous of her stepmom, especially when she developed a closer relationship with the grandkids.  It's very possible your daughter felt upstaged by grandma, and that her kids seem to like grandma more than mom.  She feels hurt and insecure, so what does she do?  She tries to cut grandma out.  Sure, she'll make up some bizarre story (only loosly based on facts) to justify her decision.  She'll invent some sort of narrative that grandma is "toxic" to the kids and should be shunned.  This negative, distorted thinking pattern is typical of BPD, as is the instability in close relationships.  Your daughter might temporarily "unshun" grandma if she needs free babysitting, but she's prone to promptly "re-shun" once her free babysitting needs are met.  My apologies, I'm reminded of an episode of The Office right now.

Anyway, I think you're right in not going along with your daughter's distorted narrative, because if you do her bidding, you're tacictly approving of her unjustified, ill treatment of your wife.

Another way of looking at the situation is that your daughter is probably really stressed out right now.  She has a tendency to misattribue the source of her distress and blame others for it.  She's taking out her frustrations on stepmom.  Maybe she's trying to exert control wherever she can, because she feels desperately out of control in her own life right now.  Does that sound right to you?

Unfortunately, all this might mean not seeing the grandkids for a time.  There's not much you can do about that, because your daughter is the kids' parent, not you.

Hi Barney,

I'm worried about you and your autistic son being subject to violence and abuse.  But I'm also worried about your partner trying to control you.  He might insist you stop working so that he can control and monitor you full time.  But then how will you support yourself?  At some point you'll have to pay back your student loans.  Student loans are meant for learning, not enabling the long-term unemployment of a romantic partner.

Clearly your partner has no interest in working, having been unemployed for the last seven years, maybe longer.  Sure, he thinks he's a genius and too important to work, but that to me seems extremely narcissistic.  Meanwhile, he critizices your job, calling it a "dead end."  Paid jobs exist precisely because somebody is needed to do the work . . . how is that demeaning or a dead end?  Do you know what is demeaning?  What your partner is doing to you.  It sounds to me like he doesn't approve of you working, because you are upstaging him, and you are contributing, while he isn't.  Every hour you work is a stark reminder to your partner that he is not, and my guess is that deep down he feels shame and inferiority.  So what does he do?  He disses your work and insists you quit.  He drags you down to his low level, so that he feels better about himself, even if that makes you destitute and miserable in the process.  You see, misery doesn't like company--misery likes miserable company.

You mentioned a dead end.  The only dead end I see in your post is that of a supposed genius who can't stay in school and chooses not to work for at least seven years, and who is so unhappy about his life that he attacks you with violence, while condemning you to poverty and unstable housing, and infringing on your right to work if you want to.  Does your partner demean you?  Does he make you feel worthless?  My guess is if he's doing that, it's his misguided way of trying to make himself feel better.  The worse he feels, the worse he tries to make you feel--like a loser, responsible for all his problems, incompetent, unable to cope on your own.  And if that is happening, I'm really sorry.  He might be a master manipulator, trying to make you feel worthless.  But I assure you, you are not worthless, your life is worth fighting for.

I imagine you're here because you can't take this situation any longer, and you want some advice about what to do.  On these boards you'll read a lot about boundaries.  Boundaries are not about changing someone else's behavior, but rather about how YOU react.  That's because you can't "fix" your partner; only he can do that.  What you can do is change how you respond to him, to protect yourself.  One example might be, if he starts yelling at you, you leave the room.  Another example might be, if he threatens violence, you call 911.  Another example might be, you limit how much money you give him--and you would be perfectly justified in not giving him another dime.  You don't have to explain it (the more you explain, the more enraged he'll become, and the more he'll use crazy logic to get you to do his bidding), just stop giving him money.  If he threatens you or becomes violent, you call 911.

This is my first post here. Thank you for having me. My 38 yo daughter is using our grandchildren to drive a wedge between my wife (her step mother) and I. She has always randomly attacked and blamed my wife for crazy things that she had no idea of or role in doing. When she gets mad at me she decides my wife 'put me up to it. Now, after actually allowing my wife to develop a close and loving relationship with the gc, she got mad at her in November 2025 (for something she had NOTHING to do with) and decided she can't see them anymore. Only I can. I feel like she is manipulating me to hurt my wife, so I am not going along with it. I've told her numerous times that we come as a pair. I hope I'm doing the right thing and not hurting the kids. But it is her decision, not ours. Still, we both really miss the kids. It hurts... a lot.

Thoughts?

I noticed you are posting on the 'Detaching Board", not the "Bettering Board".  Are you looking to start breaking away (Detaching) or are you looking for tools to deal with your situation.

There is a lot to unpack here, but the one thing that stands out to me is him asking, and you quitting your job. Without questioning anyone's motives, this is counterproductive for you. The tighter the money the more dependent you all are on staying together and the more likely to be exposed to DV or losing your home.

How do you feel about not working?

Welcome to a wealth of precious resources in peer support, though admittedly remote.  Please consider seeking out your DV resources available locally.  They can be life savers.  There are also online emergency numbers as well, someone will shortly pop in and mention them as well.

Please realize that this is an abusive relationship.  Even if it is only sometimes abusive, then it is an abuser/victim relationship.

We probably can't say this is Borderline, Antisocial, or whatever since we only have your description.  Most of us never had a diagnosis of our partners (or disordered parents, siblings or children) since many refuse counseling or therapy and thus don't get diagnosed.  However, what we can do is look at the actions and behavior patterns over years.  It is clear that your partner hasn't improved his behaviors.  And probably won't change for the better in the future.

Here is a partial quote from one of the best articles by clinical psychologist Dr Joe Carver:

Dr Joe Carver has long since retired and his website is gone but this link has an entire article to download:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305771.0

We are here.  More members will chime in with additional experiences, insights and practical strategies going forward.  You are NOT alone and there IS hope for a better future.

We've been together for 10 years. He hasn't had job since before covid and even then, he didn't keep them long. I support us through my autistic son's job, my student loans and my income ( which is nothing right now because he insisted I quit my dead end job). We've had multiple DV incidents in the past. I've been strangled, grabbed, thrown and threatened. For years he's been finding himself. He enrolled in college but quickly abandoned it when the financial aid for living expenses was minimal. He's a genius so he considers grunt jobs beneath him. We live in a motel and have for about a year. Half of our ten years has been living in a car.

I'm in the middle on how your daughter may react.  Either of the aspects presented here are possible.  Your daughter has for years lived with the "status quo", namely, stuck in the middle, not good.

On the one hand, your calm and stable influence over the years no doubt has had an influence.  On the other hand, her mother has had years to influence and manipulate her, weakening her loyalty and perspectives.

You know your daughter better than we can as remote peer support.  But still... even if you think you know, what she says and does may surprise you.  As the saying goes, "When the tires hit the road...", referring to the point at which an abstract idea or plan is tested out in practice.

Or possibly not, and if she doesn't want to spend a lot of time with her mother, or stay with her, please allow her to have her feelings about it.

There's shame and guilt for not "loving your mother". I wanted to have a good relationship with her but I also was afraid of her when she was dysregulated and the feelings were confusing.

Part of this was the unpredictability of her moods. Even if nothing happened and she was fine- her moods could change in a second. She might react to something I said, inadvertently, or did or didn't do- even if I had no intentions of upsetting her.

I still wanted a relationship with my mother,  but felt I needed to have my own space as well.

I had a say at 17 and it was to plan for university away from home. With the help of her therapist, your D can voice her choice too.

I had that happen quite often, but there's also a lot of BPD on my ex-wife's side of the family.  In general, I did not become involved unless there was no other option because my young adult kids need to learn to handle things on their own.

I think it really depends on the circumstance though and what's going on.  Could you give us a little more detail with what your grown child is facing?

Hi Resilient Mama,

Your name says a lot.  You've been through a lot.  And you've come to the right place.

I went through a similar situation, dealing with years of disfunctional behavior, multiple suicide attempts, multiple hospital stays, unstable living situations, varying diagnoses.  But finally a reputable psychiatric hospital gave a diagnosis of BPD with avoidant narcissistic traits, plus substance abuse disorder.  There were bouts of anxiety and depression, too, which were treated with medications to help stabilize her, but medications didn't "fix" the underlying issue of BPD.  Only by working hard at therapy could the pwBPD in my life start to feel better.  She's about your daughter's age, and being so young, she really turned things around in a relatively short timeframe, just a couple of years.  Though she still struggles and is alienated from her family right now, her life looks a whole lot better than it did just a few short years ago.  We keep tabs on her through her therapist.

Pook is another parent on these boards who had to see his dear daughter hit bottom before she decided to take therapy seriously and turn her life around, too.  I'm just saying that to underscore that BPD is treatable!  Maybe your daughter's emotional sensitivity and proclivity for negative/disordered thinking will always be inside her, but she can learn better coping mechanisms to improve her day-to-day functioning, and hopefully her relationships, too.  I really like Pook's realization that he's not responsible for his daughter and he can't fix her, even if he'd like to.  Dr. Happy is right, most of the time it feels like we the parents are trying harder than the kids with BPD, and that just doesn't work.

I bet you're feeling overwhelmed and a mix of fear, obligation and guilt--we call that the FOG here.  The FOG can prevent you from thinking clearly, and it can predispose you to overreact to your daughter's crisis du jour.  That's why you need to focus on your own wellbeing, especially when you are stressed out with worry.  Your daughter needs Resilient, Balanced, Healthy Mama, not Distressed, Guilt-ridden, Fearful, Mournful and Exhausted Mama.  You can think of it as being a role model for daughter about what a healthy adult's life looks like.

Anyway, I think the worst part of BPD is the victim mindset.  A pwBPD blames everyone else for her problems, and in the process she abdicates responsibility for her life.  She always seems to give up on herself, way too easily.  I think that's why she probably has to hit bottom before she decides to get some professional help.  You can't "force" her to get therapy; she has to want to get it.  Curiously, the pwBPD in my life actually warmed to the notion of getting professional help, because it validated her view of feeling traumatized by life, and needing extra support to get past it.  Plus, professional doctors and therapists don't come with all the emotional baggage that the family carries.

I guess my advice for you would be to not enable the status quo for your daughter.  Sure, she might threaten to leave or actually leave the program.  But you don't have to make it easy for her to quit by giving her a bed to crash on.  I think it's natural for her to want to quit, because quitting is her usual response to distress, and therapy is WORK, which feels distressing to your daughter.

Now I imagine you've come here worried sick and at the brink of despair, even if you are incredibly resilient.  But I see some good things here.  First, your daughter has a diagnosis--that's something.  It probably explains a lot of her difficulties.  Second, BPD is treatable.  That's the first thing I read when I learned of a diagnosis and Googled BPD, and it gave me some hope.  Third, your daughter is still young; she has most of her adult life ahead of her.  She can turn things around without having BPD derail her entire life.  Fourth, she has YOU, Resilient Mama.  I think you're her best ally on the road to recovery, provided that you're in a calm and healthy place.  And finally, your daughter is in a program now, after having struggled a long time.  She has moments of positivity when she feels she has an opportunity to turn her life around.  I'm really hoping this is an inflection point for her, that she realizes that she's worth fighting for, and that she doesn't give up, even when she wants to.  It can be done.

When I reached that inflection point with my adult BPD stepdaughter, I said to my dear husband, My darling, your job isn't to fix your daughter, because nothing we've tried so far has seemed to work.  Your job right now is to ensure she follows doctors' orders.  By that I mean, don't enable her to do other things, such as hide out in her bedroom all day, go on a fun trip, or otherwise revert to the unhealthy status quo.  In other words, to continue to enjoy parental support (housing, health insurance, etc.), she has to follow doctor's orders, whatever they are.  She absolutely could choose to go her own way, and we'd respect that, but then she wouldn't get any parental financial support.  Fortunately, the choice was clear for her.

All my best to you.