This is extremely helpful. It affirms some things I have processed with a therapist and also reminds me of the place of staying about her and not about me. That’s hard but I get it.   Thank you do much.

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  Many elements of your story--false accusations, blaming, projection, withholding access to children as punishment, dredging up negative memories from childhood and twisting the narrative--are familiar here.  What you describe sounds a lot like BPD.

Rest assured that you did not cause BPD, and you are not responsible for your daughter's disordered thinking.  She'll blame you for all sorts of things, but that's her maladaptive way of coping.  Alas, since you didn't cause BPD, you can't make it better either, no matter how much you want to.  Only your daughter can do that.  But she's so busy blaming you, that she probably resists getting some help to turn her life around.

In the meantime, your daughter knows she has something you want--access to her son.  The more you beg and plead to see him, the more she'll use him to get back at you, to get concessions out of you.  Besides, if you frame anything in terms of YOUR emotional needs, your daughter is likely to take it the wrong way, as offensive and narcissistic of you.  You see, the only thing that matters to her is HER needs; adding yours on top is completely overwhelming.  If you are still communicating, then I'd recommend eliminating discussion about your needs entirely, and frame everything in a way that puts your daughter in the center.  One way to do this would be to frame a visit as a way to give your daughter a break, to do something special for her.

I know you are hurting.  You're aghast about the accusations of abuse of your grandson--your daughter has taken things too far, and she's becoming more delusional than ever.  The way I read the situation though is that your daughter is probably facing a ton of stress right now, and she's taking it out on you.  She's probably overwhelmed, as a single mom with a special-needs kid.  Maybe her son is getting more mobile and demanding, and she can't handle him as easily as when he was little.  Maybe she's depressed that her life is so hard, and she feels hopeless, that it will never get better for her.  She's entering middle age and feels let down by life.  She's not getting the attention and support she thinks she's entitled to.  Meanwhile, she's probably insanely jealous of her sibling, and how you seem to dote on her and her family.

I could be off base here; I'm just saying that, in my experience with BPD, acting out and inventing a narrative about past abuses are often triggered by an increase in current stresses and disappointments.  It's a maladjusted way of coping.  To your daughter, blaming parents seems easier than taking responsibility and doing the hard work of trouble-shooting.  In addition, AVOIDANCE tends to be a BPD way to cope.  When she's feeling overwhelmed, it's often easier to retreat from life, avoid dealing, avoid contact with others, while at the same time, punishing you with her absence (and access to her son).  I think of this as an "adult time out."  Together, I see these behaviors as a trauma-like, fight or flight response.  Does that make sense?

My guess is that your daughter will reach out again when she needs money or free babysitting.  I think I'd say, sit patiently, and try not to let negative thoughts take over.  You get busy with your life and get in a happy place so that when your daughter does reach out, you're calm and upbeat.

I’m brand new here.
I have a 40 year old daughter who has not been diagnosed with BPD. She has all of the signs of BPD and I have had professional therapy that is familiar and has helped me to understand it is likely based on all of her behavior.
She is a single mother with a 7 year old child who is on the autism spectrum and is non speaking. Her father, my husband, died of ALS when she was 14. It was very difficult. She was particularly close to him. I remarried someone who had lost his wife and in retrospect it was very hard for her as well. She and I had a pretty close relationship considering our different personalities until a few years ago when she started angrily lashing out at me  and her sister some, over many things about the past, etc. I have been an extremely devoted mom and now grandma. Bring a parent was a huge priority in my life. My older daughter has three children and we are all very close.
The very worst happened about a year and 1/2,ago when my younger daughter called and said that her son had written that my husband had abused her son and she recounted that he wrote this out about an incident when he was 21/2 or 3 when my husband was caring for him. We babysat a lot. She had been saying he communicated by writing and it was all inside.
His head and that was how he expressed. When I witnessed this it was very clear that he was not writing but she was, besides the fact that my husband is the last person who would do this. He loves her son, but my daughter has always been strange about it.
After that horrible accusation I managed to maintain an awkward relationship with this daughter and grandson by going and visiting along, seeking therapy to help me in talking with her, learning that this was not the true her and she was hurting deeply, and be very cautious.Some  visits it went okay and others she was in her angry, tense, accusatory place. A couple times I left abruptly. I have throughout affirmed my unconditional love for the two of them. For almost four months now I have not seen her or my grandson. My pain is sometimes unspeakable.
The last encounter I had with her, when I was leaving and  usually set the next date, it went downhill and something about
it all ‘sucks’ and how bad the year had been come up, she said, ‘but I’m  not the abuser, mom. And I lost my discipline and said , ‘oh yes you are, yes you are’  
She has not returned my requests for another date to visit and a recent more fervent request to come and see my grandson.
In many ways this has felt harder than the terminal illness of my husband. That was catastrophic but it was black and white   I knew what to do, had tremendous support, and the answers were clear

I feel tormented with worry, pain, grief, and continual trying to figure out how to help her or say the things to get her to help. I have offered therapy together countless times. She refuses and says it’s all my people etc.
I’m hoping perhaps this is a place that can bring some  understanding for me, and some relief.

Thank you for all the kind and thoughtful responses!    It helps to know that other people understand what I have been dealing with.  Having a mother with BPD is so damaging because their constant fluctuation in behavior makes it very hard to trust others as an adult.  We grew up with someone using us for their own validation. 

Hi,

My boyfriend has not been diagnosed formally with BPD, but my mom was, and I have read so many books on it. I'd be shocked if he didn't have it. I'm operating as though he does have it.

I've read lots of posts on here, and lots of them are about females with BPD. There may be no difference, but does anyone know about possible differences?

He is very verbally abusive when triggered (splitting) and so it was not possible for us to live together anymore. He became homeless, but he is now getting help (because of me and my direction) to getting some transitional housing.

I do notice that having boundaries is critical. I was afraid for many years to implement boundaries because I thought that he'd leave me. However, that is not the case.

Things are still hard, but much better since we don't live together.

Anyone else out there with a bpd boyfriend as opposed to girlfriend?

And anyone out there experience other people judging the fact that you are still with your bpd person? I feel that it is hard to be with them, but I simply don't want to leave the relationship. People just have a hard time understanding....

Thanks!!

Hi there Scapegoat,

I'm so sorry about the latest run-in with your mom.  To think she would do that after all you did for her sister just adds insult to injury.

You might think your mom lost her marbles, but I think it sounds exactly like BPD.  If you read these boards, you'll see that emotionally charged events such as family funerals and holidays are often triggers for pwBPD.  My guess is that they can't tolerate the high emotions of the moment, let alone the fact that attention is temporarily diverted away from them.  Add to that the stress of travel, logistics and interacting with many different family members, and it's a tinderbox for pwBPD.  My guess is that your mom was jealous of all the nice things that people said and did for her sister, taking it as an insult to herself!  She believes that every second that you spent arranging a nice funeral was a second of your attention and care "stolen" from your mom.  My other guess is that your mom felt that you love your aunt more than you love her.  So what does she do?  She complains, attacks or creates a scene to reclaim your attention.  And yes, she knows your trigger (fear of losing an inheritance), which she uses to control you, like her personal slave.  When you don't do exactly what she demands exactly when she wants it, well, you're going to PAY.  That all sounds like classic BPD to me.

It's possible that your mom is scared, too, because she has intense feelings about her own mortality.  If she was close to her sister, she might feel she was abandoned.  That too could trigger her.  But if I venture a guess, my sense is that your mom and her sister probably weren't very close, because of your mom's BPD.

If your mom seems to have suddenly "lost her mind," it's certainly possible, as she is elderly.  And yet my sense is that she's feeling guilt and shame, because she knows full well that she acted badly, and that she's lying about you to others.  This creates a cognitive dissonance, which her brain can't reconcile.  Sure, she'll create a victim narrative, blaming you.  But she needs you.  And she needs the rest of the family to see her as the righteous one.  That's my read of the situation.

I'm really sorry you had to go through all that.  I'm sure you've longed to have a "normal" relationship with your mom, and you're struggling with how to be a "good" daughter while protecting yourself.  You've had to deal with this sort of thing for a lifetime.  I'd say, if you are feeling bad about the whole ordeal, you deserve a break.  Try to do something nice for yourself, as soon as possible.

All my best to you.

You are far from alone in being the family scapegoat. The damage done to your mental and physical health during your life time is immeasurable. Do take time to feel your sadness over your mother's recent meltdown. She is using you to avoid being accountable for how she feels about herself.

In my large extended disordered family, there is at least one scapegoat in every generation along with many golden children enabled by the flying monkeys. I am the scapegoat of my generation. What has helped me the most was EMDR therapy and setting healthier boundaries with the whole family. I am a work in progress, though saddened by a lifetime of abuse, am in much better mental and physical health since I set limits on how much I would interact with the disordered family members.

There are many members here who understand what it is like to be a family scapegoat. Do post as often as you need to. I have been on this site for many years and am in a much better place than when I first became a member.

Hi Haul,

Welcome to the group.  Please feel free to read through some posts--my guess is that many themes will resonate with you.

If you care to share, what seems to be the biggest issue for you currently?  Is your daughter living with you?  Has she been school or busy with a job, even if it's only for a few days here and there?  Is she getting therapy?

Look, I understand having trouble wrapping your mind around a BPD diagnosis.  I have been similarly skeptical sometimes too.  On the one hand, your daughter was younger when she got a diagnosis, and many of the behaviors probably seemed "typical," albeit extreme, for teenagers--the impulsiveness, the entitlement, the anger, the emotional rollercoaster, the tantrums, the jealousy, the apparent "trying out" of different identities.  These are all human emotions, after all.  But my guess is that your daughter took things farther, perhaps with threats or attempts of self-harm.  That would typically land her in a hospital.

However, in an adult, I'd say these behaviors seem increasingly out of place.  Let's face it, only close family members will tolerate such erratic, extreme behavior.  And perhaps slowly but surely, your dear daughter will feel "rejected" by others, which is ironic, because what she probably wants more than anything is to feel cherished and accepted.  Has your daughter lost all her friends?  Is she discovering she's not functioning well as an emerging adult?  Is she too needy and demanding of others--for attention, affection, admiration, money, help, emotional management?  Does she lash out when her exacting needs aren't being met?  Does she self-medicate with illicit substances?  I'd say, that's all typical BPD.

It's true that the label of BPD might sound perjorative.  The way I see it though is that your daughter is probably wired to be extra sensitive, and that can be an asset sometimes.  Yet since she's so sensitive, she experiences life as a seemingly never-ending series of traumas, by things that probably wouldn't bother her peers, not nearly as much.  She has very low frustration tolerance.  She perceives social slights when none were intended.  She tends to give up way too easily.  She takes everything too personally.  She's emotionally and physically exhausted by everyday life, and she thinks it's just too overwhelming.  She hasn't learned emotional resilience yet.  She hasn't quite learned to take setbacks in stride, think things through, take things in context, have a little perspective, play the long game.  Instead, she lets her emotions overtake her, and since she experiences them intensely, they hijack her brain, and she tends to lash out or self-sabotage.  She hasn't quite figured out who she is, what she likes and where she fits in the world yet (which is normal for young adults)--but to her, it's simply unbearable.  She's SCARED, and she's deeply ashamed about it.

To cope, she turns around and blames others for all her problems.  She reinterprets the world from a victim mindset, blaming you, other family members and friends for causing all her problems.  My observation is that the farther back in history she goes, dredging up negative memories from childhood, the more scared she is of the present.  You see, it's just her way of avoiding her current problems, by blaming you for wrecking her life, while demanding retribution.  The sad part is that she's basically abdicating responsibility for herself.  It's like she didn't get the memo that adulthood is about being responsible for herself.  Or maybe she got the memo, but she crumpled it up and threw it back in your face.  Meanwhile, she demands that you continue to over-function for her.  Does that sound about right?

Anyway, welcome.  Here we emphise self-care, first and foremost.  You're not much good for your daughter if you are living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, because it clouds your judgment.  So if that's how you're feeling, you're in good company here.  I hope we can help.

By the way, rest assured that you did NOT cause BPD in your daughter, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise.  Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.  Only your daughter can do that.

All the best to you.

Welcome!  This is a great place to get and give support -- often at the same time.

I am so sorry.  It's definitely been my experience that death in the family sets things off.

You know who you are even if some around you do not.  This board is a great place to see your experiences replicated in other peoples' postings and to validate what is happening to you.  If you don't already have such, I recommend getting a therapist who understands bpd and its effect on family members.  You can check out the NAMI chapter near you to see if they have any family support groups.  And sometimes you can find a website of specialized resources in your area.

Hang in there!