Thank you for all the kind and thoughtful responses!    It helps to know that other people understand what I have been dealing with.  Having a mother with BPD is so damaging because their constant fluctuation in behavior makes it very hard to trust others as an adult.  We grew up with someone using us for their own validation. 

Hi,

My boyfriend has not been diagnosed formally with BPD, but my mom was, and I have read so many books on it. I'd be shocked if he didn't have it. I'm operating as though he does have it.

I've read lots of posts on here, and lots of them are about females with BPD. There may be no difference, but does anyone know about possible differences?

He is very verbally abusive when triggered (splitting) and so it was not possible for us to live together anymore. He became homeless, but he is now getting help (because of me and my direction) to getting some transitional housing.

I do notice that having boundaries is critical. I was afraid for many years to implement boundaries because I thought that he'd leave me. However, that is not the case.

Things are still hard, but much better since we don't live together.

Anyone else out there with a bpd boyfriend as opposed to girlfriend?

And anyone out there experience other people judging the fact that you are still with your bpd person? I feel that it is hard to be with them, but I simply don't want to leave the relationship. People just have a hard time understanding....

Thanks!!

Hi there Scapegoat,

I'm so sorry about the latest run-in with your mom.  To think she would do that after all you did for her sister just adds insult to injury.

You might think your mom lost her marbles, but I think it sounds exactly like BPD.  If you read these boards, you'll see that emotionally charged events such as family funerals and holidays are often triggers for pwBPD.  My guess is that they can't tolerate the high emotions of the moment, let alone the fact that attention is temporarily diverted away from them.  Add to that the stress of travel, logistics and interacting with many different family members, and it's a tinderbox for pwBPD.  My guess is that your mom was jealous of all the nice things that people said and did for her sister, taking it as an insult to herself!  She believes that every second that you spent arranging a nice funeral was a second of your attention and care "stolen" from your mom.  My other guess is that your mom felt that you love your aunt more than you love her.  So what does she do?  She complains, attacks or creates a scene to reclaim your attention.  And yes, she knows your trigger (fear of losing an inheritance), which she uses to control you, like her personal slave.  When you don't do exactly what she demands exactly when she wants it, well, you're going to PAY.  That all sounds like classic BPD to me.

It's possible that your mom is scared, too, because she has intense feelings about her own mortality.  If she was close to her sister, she might feel she was abandoned.  That too could trigger her.  But if I venture a guess, my sense is that your mom and her sister probably weren't very close, because of your mom's BPD.

If your mom seems to have suddenly "lost her mind," it's certainly possible, as she is elderly.  And yet my sense is that she's feeling guilt and shame, because she knows full well that she acted badly, and that she's lying about you to others.  This creates a cognitive dissonance, which her brain can't reconcile.  Sure, she'll create a victim narrative, blaming you.  But she needs you.  And she needs the rest of the family to see her as the righteous one.  That's my read of the situation.

I'm really sorry you had to go through all that.  I'm sure you've longed to have a "normal" relationship with your mom, and you're struggling with how to be a "good" daughter while protecting yourself.  You've had to deal with this sort of thing for a lifetime.  I'd say, if you are feeling bad about the whole ordeal, you deserve a break.  Try to do something nice for yourself, as soon as possible.

All my best to you.

You are far from alone in being the family scapegoat. The damage done to your mental and physical health during your life time is immeasurable. Do take time to feel your sadness over your mother's recent meltdown. She is using you to avoid being accountable for how she feels about herself.

In my large extended disordered family, there is at least one scapegoat in every generation along with many golden children enabled by the flying monkeys. I am the scapegoat of my generation. What has helped me the most was EMDR therapy and setting healthier boundaries with the whole family. I am a work in progress, though saddened by a lifetime of abuse, am in much better mental and physical health since I set limits on how much I would interact with the disordered family members.

There are many members here who understand what it is like to be a family scapegoat. Do post as often as you need to. I have been on this site for many years and am in a much better place than when I first became a member.

Hi Haul,

Welcome to the group.  Please feel free to read through some posts--my guess is that many themes will resonate with you.

If you care to share, what seems to be the biggest issue for you currently?  Is your daughter living with you?  Has she been school or busy with a job, even if it's only for a few days here and there?  Is she getting therapy?

Look, I understand having trouble wrapping your mind around a BPD diagnosis.  I have been similarly skeptical sometimes too.  On the one hand, your daughter was younger when she got a diagnosis, and many of the behaviors probably seemed "typical," albeit extreme, for teenagers--the impulsiveness, the entitlement, the anger, the emotional rollercoaster, the tantrums, the jealousy, the apparent "trying out" of different identities.  These are all human emotions, after all.  But my guess is that your daughter took things farther, perhaps with threats or attempts of self-harm.  That would typically land her in a hospital.

However, in an adult, I'd say these behaviors seem increasingly out of place.  Let's face it, only close family members will tolerate such erratic, extreme behavior.  And perhaps slowly but surely, your dear daughter will feel "rejected" by others, which is ironic, because what she probably wants more than anything is to feel cherished and accepted.  Has your daughter lost all her friends?  Is she discovering she's not functioning well as an emerging adult?  Is she too needy and demanding of others--for attention, affection, admiration, money, help, emotional management?  Does she lash out when her exacting needs aren't being met?  Does she self-medicate with illicit substances?  I'd say, that's all typical BPD.

It's true that the label of BPD might sound perjorative.  The way I see it though is that your daughter is probably wired to be extra sensitive, and that can be an asset sometimes.  Yet since she's so sensitive, she experiences life as a seemingly never-ending series of traumas, by things that probably wouldn't bother her peers, not nearly as much.  She has very low frustration tolerance.  She perceives social slights when none were intended.  She tends to give up way too easily.  She takes everything too personally.  She's emotionally and physically exhausted by everyday life, and she thinks it's just too overwhelming.  She hasn't learned emotional resilience yet.  She hasn't quite learned to take setbacks in stride, think things through, take things in context, have a little perspective, play the long game.  Instead, she lets her emotions overtake her, and since she experiences them intensely, they hijack her brain, and she tends to lash out or self-sabotage.  She hasn't quite figured out who she is, what she likes and where she fits in the world yet (which is normal for young adults)--but to her, it's simply unbearable.  She's SCARED, and she's deeply ashamed about it.

To cope, she turns around and blames others for all her problems.  She reinterprets the world from a victim mindset, blaming you, other family members and friends for causing all her problems.  My observation is that the farther back in history she goes, dredging up negative memories from childhood, the more scared she is of the present.  You see, it's just her way of avoiding her current problems, by blaming you for wrecking her life, while demanding retribution.  The sad part is that she's basically abdicating responsibility for herself.  It's like she didn't get the memo that adulthood is about being responsible for herself.  Or maybe she got the memo, but she crumpled it up and threw it back in your face.  Meanwhile, she demands that you continue to over-function for her.  Does that sound about right?

Anyway, welcome.  Here we emphise self-care, first and foremost.  You're not much good for your daughter if you are living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, because it clouds your judgment.  So if that's how you're feeling, you're in good company here.  I hope we can help.

By the way, rest assured that you did NOT cause BPD in your daughter, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise.  Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.  Only your daughter can do that.

All the best to you.

Welcome!  This is a great place to get and give support -- often at the same time.

I am so sorry.  It's definitely been my experience that death in the family sets things off.

You know who you are even if some around you do not.  This board is a great place to see your experiences replicated in other peoples' postings and to validate what is happening to you.  If you don't already have such, I recommend getting a therapist who understands bpd and its effect on family members.  You can check out the NAMI chapter near you to see if they have any family support groups.  And sometimes you can find a website of specialized resources in your area.

Hang in there!

Hi,

My 24-year-old daughter was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and I have resisted believing it until recently.  Because I also believe that members of family of origin would have been diagnosed with it had they ever sought treatment, I'm wondering if it is a genetic disorder.

Sometimes I need support and have nobody to turn to, so I am grateful to have finally joined here.

Thank you.

When I was divorcing years ago, our Custody Evaluator wrote his conclusions about us and one of the items he mentioned about my ex was Object Constancy.  This is where "out of sight" can be "out of mind" for some people.  So your smells on her clothing reminded her of you.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder


Your therapist likely was well aware of Borderline PD, they can be are some of the most difficult patients.  Likely he was being pragmatic, knowing that continuing this relationship would keep bringing you back to his office, or another therapist's office, for many years to come.  Not necessarily because of your issues, but because of the troubled (dysfunctional) relationship.

This reminds of my own failed marriage.  When we separated, my stbEx brought our preschooler to a children's counseling office.  She was seeking negative advocates who she hoped would side with her on how evil I was.   Our son was attending sessions throughout our divorce and continued for the next few years.  That was years ago and, if I recall the timeline correctly, when I went back to court after the final decree and gained full custody, his counselor was so happy and prepared to end counseling.  Clearly, they thought the conflict and discord was over.  But our child's counseling had to continue for another couple years until I also gained majority parenting time at which time mother's antics finally reduced.  Only then did son and I have a graduation ceremony of sorts with his counselor.

My point is that your therapist probably has an objective perspective through training and experience, that you with your subjective perspective would likely continue to have relationship issues if you sought to reverse the breakup.

There's a phrase often said here... You can't save them, you're too close to them to fix them, it is up to them to decide to seek their own recovery.