Update:

He left for 7 days and came back because his father’s engine blew and he was going to share his vehicle so he could get around. I thought things were going okay , I had my firm boundaries in place. I kept to myself and he kept to himself . I do have this habit of checking in when the kids are dropped to school and I’m headed to work and I noticed he  began to use us talking as opportunities to open up and say more. At first it was about work but he eventually he started criticizing me. The first day it happened it was mild so I found a way to end the call. The second day he was doing a strange word salad , gas lighting situation so I snapped . He told me “friends should be able to talk to one another without me being defensive and annoyed .” I told him “if the context of the conversation is our sex life as a marriage couple then what you’re saying makes no sense and I’m not your friend.” Fast forward to yesterday he called me while I was home alone and said “let me know when my father comes back . I want the three of us to have a talk…I want us to lay everything out on the table” He then asks me if there is anything I want to confess . I say no. And he says “ I see you plan on taking this to the grave.” He ultimately has this meeting and says things like “ Everyone is using me . So what do you expect from me while I’m here ?” I say nothing because I don’t believe asking you to pick up  our kids when your off from work as “using” or asking you to paying for food  . His father started ministering to him him and encouraging him when he started pushing back by saying he’s leaving again and wants a divorce. I say nothing because I know him well enough to know he’s flown off the deep end snd  he’s trying to leave before he explodes. The part that ticked me off was when he started accusing my fil and I of having an affair based on a gut feeling (again). His father said “your gut can lie to you. You need to follow the evidence. I don’t know if she’s having an affair . I just know it’s not with me .”
At first I felt offended but then I reminded myself that this is all crazy making . They both need to go.

Hi Jazz
I would consult with a divorce attorney and see what your options are? Apart from your condo becoming your marital home , has your husband contributed to any upkeep or upgrades ? Is he on the Deed? Where there is a will there is a way. Downsizing is not ideal but if it gives you peace of mind it may be worth it .

I think what touched you was that you felt seen. This person could see your good intentions. She saw your considerate heart.

I think we look to a romantic partner or family member  to be “seen” and to see them too. However - BPD involves projections, being painted white or black. None of these are who people truly are.

There are no perfect people but there are good people. Good people sometimes make mistakes. Unfortunately for my BPD mother -even a slight error would disappoint her. It’s hard to feel “not good enough”

But you are “good enough” and that lady saw it.

HI Kells76

I told her about the things that came back from my youth. She then told me about her farther. I challenged friendly, saying she scanned her dad when he came home.

I really need to learn to listen to the feelings in stead of the words. Really hard for me. I know it, but practising is something else. I feels to me she is rewriting history to make it bearable.
In the past she has blamed me for being just like her father in a fight and now he is a saint. Does she need to believe he was safe, so she can feel safe now?

I think it did not turn into a fight, because I now saw what was happening. I pointed it out. I said we started arguing about somethiung else. It then stoppen.
Am I learning after all?

Thank you so much for your reply.
It is very helpfull for me, you asking me questions, to enable me to look from a different angle.
Thanks

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

It may depend how your h is helping you financially.  Has he paid for any part of this property before or now? Is the deed in both your names or just yours? Is he helping you with routine bills and food/clothing?

If he has not contributed much to payments for the property, I'd go to a lawyer to see if you can keep your apartment. I assume you are in a community property state but there may be laws to help you you if he's contributed very little. If you can,  you'd have to get a roommate and cut your budget to a bare bones one to save money in hopes of not needing a roommate forever.

If this is not the case, detach yourself from him. Sleep in different beds and spend as much time away from him as you possibly can. I did that with my ex-h during the last years of our marriage.

You may want to consider a 12 step program like Codependent's Anonymous to work on coping with an abusive person to live a more joyful life.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at " Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3060856.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

Hi there,

Welcome to the group; you've come to the right place.  It's exhausting enough dealing with BPD, but with a toddler, it's taken to a whole other level.  Have you found that the more attention you give to your little one, the more testy and needy your ex becomes?  I think that could be because (i) he's also really stressed out by being a new dad and (ii) he resents any attention, time or resources you devote to anyone else but him.  Does he seem to punish you for living your life?  Is he uber-controlling?  Does he find fault with practically everything you do, even if you're just breathing or sitting quietly?  Does he hold sky-high expectations of others, giving precious little in return, and is he constantly disappointed when his expectations aren't met?  Does his behavior seem to regress to the level of . . . your toddler?  Does your ex blame others for all his own problems?  Has he lost most or all of his former friends?  Is he estranged from most of his family?  If so, that sounds like it could be BPD, or BPD traits when under stress.

Look, I think pwBPD who are untreated feel traumatized all the time.  Thus they are "primed" for a fight-or-flight reaction to ordinary situations.  Every request or comment could seem like a personal affront to him, and his reactions are quick, disproportionate, seemingly illogical and out-of-control.  Does that sound about right?  On this site you'll find various coping tactics, but mine basically is, try not to get sucked in.  If you JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), he only escalates, because he feeds on any emotions you convey.  I think it's better to "gray rock"--be silent/calm, exit the situation saying as little as possible--and give him a "time out" until he calms down.  If he's insulting you non-stop, my guess is that he's projecting his own insecurities onto you.  Does he call you lazy, a slob, narcissistic, mean, controlling, uncaring, irrational, incompetent and hysterical, when you aren't any of those things?  It's probably because he's describing himself, not you.

As for the matters concerning separation and co-parenting, there are some experts on these boards whose posts could guide you.  From what I've read, some takeaways are to Document, Document, Document.  In addition, because pwBPD are more emotional than logical, you can't expect them to play fair at all.  I'd say that you shouldn't expect them to comply with parenting plans, either.  The experts here will advise you not to be generous, or any more fair than you have to be, because pwBPD will exploit that to get what they want.  They just have no emotional bandwidth to think about what's best for the child, let alone provide a nurturing, calm home environment.  You need to protect your toddler best you can.

All my best to you.

Besides writing a manual on how to protect yourself before, during and after a NPD/BPD divorce, William Eddy also wrote other books including "It's All Your Fault!"  People with these acting-out PDs have had many years honing their projection and manipulation skills.

Whether he will actually improve with therapy cannot be predicted from here in remote peer support.  There may be a glimmer hope here but caution is advised since promises are easy but the hard work is long term meaningful therapy, not just attending sessions but demonstrating lasting results.  You don't want to get trapped in repeat cycles of dysfunction.  Keep your options open and meanwhile keep in touch..

Hello (new) friends,

I’ve learned about this group from “walking on eggshells”, which I have been binge-listening to for nearly 6 hours today, while my ex (undiagnosed BPD) has our sweet, hilarious toddler for the day.

I’ll explain more another day, but in short: I’ve always known something was “up” (and down, and up again…) with my ex, and he shared a history of childhood abuse, along with obvious mistreatment from his troublesome father. Fast toward a few years and a baby, and things really derailed. Once I stopped sleeping and was chronically sick (as our baby’s primary caregiver) and he STILL could not take my requests for peace, balance, and his attending therapy seriously, I had to ask him to leave our home.

As you can imagine, things have only gotten worse.

Anyway, no one I know has anyone with BPD in their lives, and it’s exhausting to try to explain this “death by 1000 cuts”… the mistreatment, the drama, the accusations, the misrepresentations, the [broken] promises. I am grieving the life I thought I could have, and I am grieving my ability to breathe or relax. My central nervous system is ZINGING at all times, and I still am battling insomnia.

Thank you in advance for being here. I’m a very empathic person and I am heartbroken to learn more and more about the suffering he is also enduring. I don’t want to quit on him, but I recently read a quote that said “if you’re looking for me, I’m exactly as far away as you’ve pushed me”… and he has REALLY pushed hard. I didn’t begin to suspect BPD until after he moved out, but now I am convinced, and I pray daily that he will receive the inspiration to actually commit to healing and learning more, so we can all co-exist, and so that our daughter is never in mental/emotional/physical danger with him.

On that note, he has also taken legal/custodial action against me (my lawyer is flabbergasted), and I am quite anxious about what type of vindictiveness I may be facing.

Thanks for sharing that Rowdy,

Actually my Dad had his own battles with mental health and it always seemed my wife and him had an understanding, though he had Parkinson’s disease so it was hard for him to express himself and talk in those later years.

I have thought about this and decided I am not going to tell her about the incident with the keyboard. For a start, I kind of already didn’t tell her as it happened last week and I would have to lie about when it was anyway because she’d be angry or hurt or whatever that I didn’t tell her immediately. But also… it felt like my Dad’s song came on to prove to my work friends that I wasn’t making this stuff up. If that was my Dad then he made a choice to make this a moment I shared with my work friends and not my wife. So given her recent attitude I don’t see the need to tell her. I think the only thing that might change my mind is if I ring her from work and she’s in a really good mood… which would be very unlikely