Hi. I have read from your other post that he is on probation and there is a protection order on you, right? Plus, he is in domestic violence therapy.


I don't know what happened, but all of that seems quite humiliating if, from his perspective, you are the one in the wrong, not him. And usually this is how the pwBPD sees the situation.

Does it make sense to think that all of that is making him more angry and that his silence is because he is not in the mood to speak without lashing out about it? Also, would it make sense that he could be keeping a distance just to make you "pay for it"?

Living in separate houses seems like the perfect setup to avoid too much closeness, but it can be a burden on finances and household chores.

Here I'm learning how to create distance while still living together, and that's the ultimate psychological challenge, because you need to deny yourself any closeness and intimacy all day long, even though your usual source is right there in front of you.

Well, I’m here. I’ve been reading threads for a while and I think I’m ready to share my story, though it’s hard to know where to begin when this has been my whole life.

For the last six months I’ve been talking things through with ChatGPT, which has helped me organise my thoughts, but I feel like I need the next step — somewhere safe, with people who understand.

My “big bang” moment came a few years ago when I went to my mum’s GP behind her back with her husband. We initially wondered if it was bipolar, but the doctor suggested BPD. When I went home and started researching, my world shook. It was like reading my own life story — everything suddenly made sense.

I’m 40 now, yet I feel just as helpless as I did at 7, when I first knew something wasn’t quite right with my mum, who was my single parent. Shortly after that realisation, she had a nervous breakdown and I was sent to live with my aunt and cousins for around 4–6 weeks. It felt like forever. I was told my alcoholic father was to blame, and I believed that for years. Only recently, my (possibly BPD) grandmother told me my mum had always had issues, even as a young girl — though I’m not sure how much I trust her version of events. She’s always reinforced this emotionally distant family dynamic — not a “hugger”, phone off the hook when watching tennis, that sort of thing.

I don’t want this to turn into my full life story. I’m just exhausted from feeling worthless, like a letdown, like I’m always on the edge of cracking. It’s now affecting my own small family. I find myself hiding away and being emotionally distant from my 8‑year‑old son and my wife — and that scares me.

I’ve tried setting boundaries. I’ve written three letters over the years, and my mum will be getting a fourth soon. On Christmas Day, with just 20 minutes left before we were due to leave, she lashed out out of nowhere — telling me I was nasty, that I didn’t care, and that I was “just like my dad” (who hasn’t been mentioned for years). All of this was said in front of my son, who I’m desperately trying to protect from this long trail of pain.

I’ll share more in time, but for now I’m just looking for a safe place — with people who understand — where I’m not simply the nasty, selfish, horrible son my mother has projected onto me and my family.

Can anyone relate to this?

Thank you for reading.

(tidied up with chat GPT but all me)

I'm sorry to hear that. She may have felt too pressured and judged, and perhaps she felt rejected before it even happened. Maybe she detected what your position is about jail and misinterpreted your intentions. And then her feelings of unworthiness led her to project it all on you. Anyway, if it affected you, then you have no reason to endure it.

I only survive my relationships because I never get affected by the putdowns and never get afraid of the threats. It's just the screaming and breaking of stuff that stresses me. So I can endure a lot, as long as I can make the kids safe. But I don't have to. There is a point that my attraction wears out, or the balance just tilts the other way.

Hi again,

What you describe above corresponds exactly with how my adult stepdaughter with BPD behaves.  I think she realizes how her impulsive actions are mean-spirited, and she feels deep shame after the fact.  In practice, she avoids contact with the people she has mistreated, presumably because she's embarrassed about her actions.  You wrote that her behavior either causes shame or causes her to be distant, but I think it's both.  Nevertheless, over time, she'll twist fact patterns and concoct a convoluted story whereby she becomes the victim, in order to lessen her guilt!  This reflects the disordered thinking of BPD--not understanding strong emotions and assuming they are caused by someone else.  In my opinion, the victim attitude and constant blaming are the worst part of BPD, as she's never responsible for her own decisions, and she is rendered powerless.  At the end of the day, she feels she lacks agency in her life.  Would you say your niece has had a very difficult time carving out an adult's life for herself?  That has been a central problem for my stepdaughter.  I think it's mostly due to her not feeling responsible for her own life.

Anyway, the typical playbook for my BPD stepdaughter is that after a period of estrangement, she'll resume contact when she needs something, and she'll pretend like her negative behavior/attitude never even happened.  As you stated, she'll never apologize, because apologizing would mean she takes responsibility, which she can't fathom, because she clings to the victim narrative like her life depends on it.  In a perverse way, her life does depend on it, because if she's not the poor little abused girl, who is she anyway?  Feeling abused and mistreated is central to her identity!  Besides, if she did take someone else's feelings into account, the victim narrative would start to unravel, and she'd probably feel terrible about herself, which is unbearable to her.

Another way of thinking about this is to understand that your pwBPD probably RESENTS you for making her feel dependent.  In her twisted thinking, you are the "abuser," and so she has no problem using you, because she thinks you OWE her!  Like you said, she just wants your money and free babysitting, and she couldn't care less about what's going on in your life, because the only person she thinks about is herself.  She has no mental bandwidth to think about anyone else, which would make her too upset anyway.

To illustrate my point, I lived with my adult BPD stepdaughter, on and off, for much of her adult life.  I bet she couldn't tell you what my occupation was, the name of the company where I worked, my siblings' names, my nieces'/nephews' names or my birthday.  I sincerely doubt she knows what countries I lived in or what languages I speak.  She asked me how my day went perhaps twice in an entire decade.  She has lived with me for years, but never, ever helped with chores, not even taking out the trash, replacing a roll of toilet paper, unloading the dishwasher or watering a plant, despite the fact that she was unemployed and not in school the overwhelming majority of the time.  Part of her lack of curiosity and helpfulness is upbringing, but most of it is BPD.  Some of her common phrases are, "I don't care / I don't know / I don't want to."  Does that sound familiar?

Look, my BPD stepdaughter has gotton intensive therapy, and she has improved her daily functioning immensely.  She has been able to make and keep some friendships.  She is more stable now, and less prone to rages.  She has started working (finally), but I wonder if she's able to handle a full-time schedule, which would be a first in her lifetime.  Despite these improvements, she still hasn't repaired most of the close relationships with her family.  The exception is that she'll talk to her dad when she needs something, and she's forced to talk to me sometimes when she's living in my home.  Nevertheless, the relationship feels transactional, and I feel mostly like a servant with her.  It's all take and no give.  I can't even say it's 99% take and 1% give--it feels like 100% take.  No thank yous, no I'm sorries, no help whatsoever, not even a Good Morning.  Maybe there's just too much emotional baggage to deal with.  Maybe it's partly me--I just don't care for her very much right now, she's too negative and entitled.  I would like to help her (mostly to help my husband), but she doesn't really want the kind of help I can offer (such as advice and encouragement).  All she wants is money, logistical support and a transitional living situation/storage facility.  I feel like I've tried over and over again to be supportive, give her compliments, tell her I'm proud of her, help her in various ways, ignore her meltdowns, but I've felt a lot of resentment bubbling up too.  It's not that I'm upset about her being ungrateful (I know it's not in her to be grateful)--it's more that her aura is negative and I don't like being around her.  I guess what bugs me is that I feel guilty that I don't want to be around her, and I'm sick of feeling used.

I guess I'll close with this little tidbit.  I recently learned I'm not alone with this assessment of my BPD stepdaughter.  Since she had undergone significant therapy and made some progress in her day-to-day functioning, I thought I'd ask her sister if she had had any contact with her lately.  Hopeful as always, I thought that taking steps to repair relationships with siblings would be a sure sign of therapeutic progress.  Well, her sibling stated that she hadn't had any contact whatsoever in the last year.  She was waiting for an apology from her BPD sister first.  She said something along the lines that she wasn't going to pretend anymore that her BPD sister's mean treatment of various family members (e.g. raging texts followed by blocking) was acceptable.  Basically, she had had enough, and she was waiting for an apology before resuming contact.  Her dad said something similar recently as well:  He was done living in the midst of dysfunction.  He's sick of it.  He mentioned considering not paying for his daughter's therapist anymore, but he was afraid to do that as she'd have another meltdown.  Now, I know he'll ultimately cave and do whatever his daughter requests.  But he's starting to resent the situation.  I think that's a relatively new feeling and reflective of a transition, from feeling responsible for his child to realizing that he's powerless to change another adult.

My intention isn't to be too negative, but I'm trying to be realistic and validate what you're feeling.  I know how hard it is because we want to love everyone in our family, and we want them to love us back, especially considering all the sacrifices we've made in trying to help.  With BPD that's really complicated in practice.

Well, no, she wasn’t. I wasn’t planning on her to come live with me. She was just going to come up here and get into sober living not living together though, but you don’t matter in a relationship is over for now. She has done and said things to me that I cannot forgive her for not until she gets treatment and gets better. Will I ever be able to forgive her and not any, I don’t even know even then I can as much as it freaking hurts me as much as it breaks my heart. I have to look out for myself and my own insanity and let it go for now and possibly for good, but thank you for the advice everybody and I hope the best for everybody.

I will say that my pwbpd who is a little older than yours displays some of the same behavior and I have found limiting my communication with her to text has been helpful. It allows me not to be swayed by the things she says. Texts are far less emotional.  I can respond when I want. I can respond IF I want.  I can repeat the same tired responses that lack the emotionality she’s looking for. I’m not cornered by her badgering. It’s also a written record of our interactions.

I agree that letting her fail is the hardest thing to do but ultimately the only way she figures it out on her own. I kept my pwbpd from hitting her natural rock bottom for a long time. When I removed that buffer, she moved on to other people who had far less history and patience with her. She eventually had to figure some things out for herself. I am confident I slowed that progress by constantly validating her and protecting her. We aren’t perfect people but the more you know, the better you can do.


I also think it’s great your other child is able to say they want a boundary. It’s a good thing to honor and reinforce. They are doing something your daughter isn’t able to do. I also have two younger children at home so I get not wanting that discord impacting them more than it has to. I don’t know that moving for the sake of avoiding the drama is helpful unless you had already planned for that. It’s giving away a lot of your power but I absolutely empathize because I too had daydreams of living far away where my distance was a legitimate enough reason to not be so involved her in desire to self destruct and bring us all with her. I realized I have power too and that lies in my willingness to play along with her. I don’t have to communicate.  I don’t have to invite this chaos to my life. I don’t have to give emotional responses and validate her feelings. I don’t have to prove my affection or care.  I don’t have to rush to the rescue.  Will my pwbpd be angry and say awful things or maybe even hurt themselves?  It’s an almost certainty but I can’t control that. I can only control what I do and my reactions. The fewer I give her the closer she gets to seeking care for herself.

Lots of care to you. I know the feelings you’re feeling and it’s so deeply painful at times. Infuriating at others. Full of second guesses.

Thank you so much for the warm replies. To answer the first question, no I don’t pay for her life in anyway anymore. I did when she first moved out and was a teenager still but I realized pretty early on she was using me or lying about what the money was for. I didn’t feel I owed her anything further when she was an adult, and especially when she was completely transactional.

The advice given here is completely reasonable. I don’t feel the need to reach out in an emotional way. A couple of years ago I absolutely would have. I would have said and done anything to validate her and prove she’s loved. However I’ve had at least a year where I’ve really evaluated what our relationship actually is. I actually really struggled because I didn’t know what parts of our relationship were real and what was just the long game to keep access to money or a babysitter.

After this last episode in which she decided to rip my character apart so she could remain a victim I decided to block her. I wasn’t interested in the follow up texts or anything else she may have to say. I haven’t decided if I’ll unblock her. Maybe eventually but not anytime soon. Her usual move is to be ridiculous or say things that are hurtful and then go silent for awhile. Then she will just try to reintegrate with no mention of the way she acted. She’s over it now so we should all be over it. No apologies. No acknowledgment. I just don’t want that kind of relationship with her anymore.  Have others decided that they don’t want to leave the lines open for the pwbpd to re-enter their lives?  My niece decided on NC but it’s my choice to keep it that way. At least for now. Her bday is coming up in a few weeks and maybe I will send her a card but I really just don’t want to talk to her.

I am learning more about bpd over the years and trying to understand how her mind works. I was hoping knowing somewhat would help me in ways to respond and ways to engage. Have your loved ones realized how their actions and the things they say impact others?  Are they able to take perspective at some point?  Did it take medication and therapy?   I felt in the past that sometimes she does know how she sounds and it either causes shame or it causes her to be distant. I just know that she fails to take into account how others are experiencing their lives regularly. My father had just died and she said, “I’m sorry to hear that but can I park my car in your mom’s driveway while I figure out my living situation?”  I couldn’t comprehend the inability to see beyond her immediate needs or wants. I still really can’t.  I like when one response in this thread referred to her angry  communication as spam.  I’m a good person who tries her best to support others with honesty but hearing from her all the things she swears I’ve done to hurt her or ruin her life creates this cognitive dissonance that makes me second guess myself. She believes it so intensely in the moment and with such callousness that I almost believe her too. I can’t continue with that.  It seems unhealthy at best. When I let go of the grief I know I will be better able to cope with this whole ordeal, but I’m literally mourning someone who is very much alive and hates me.

no, you're not crazy. It's called a trauma bond. It's created over a long period of time that starts with love bombing. You are perfect and they treat you perfect. And little by little the BPD comes out and they rage, then they return back to that amazing person. So you learn to deal with it because you know if you can weather the storm the 'good' person will come back. Then all of your focus goes into taking care of them and trying not to trigger them, so you walk on eggshells. Trust me, I went through hell, and even though I was the one who discarded her (police involvement and physical abuse from her) I thought about that all the time. Heck even some moronic, idiot, stupid part of my brain is like 'what if she was just as hurt? and she hasn't dated anyone? went to therapy and knows what she needs to do....'   NO. They become a part of your actual nervous system and it feels like you're dying when it's over. Just post here, I have posted here too many times probably. But it helps. You can't talk to everyone because they haven't experienced it.

Yesterday she got her official BPD diagnosis. It was done by her EMDR therapist, who sometimes does a CBT session with her as well. I heard she got 8 of the 9 symptoms. But it's still less than my previous wife, who got all 9 (including self-harm).

She immediately told her mother and sister, who were visiting us, while making jokes about it like, "Hey, now no one should mess with me, because I've been diagnosed with BPD!" I didn't like her attitude, because this means she isn't concerned about the side effects on people around her.

But I think her carelessness is my fault, because I keep reconnecting with her after the dust settles, so there is no consequence. So my plan is to not reconnect anymore. I'm hoping that my neutrality will prevent her from becoming aggressive again. Unless even a non-intimate husband still triggers her need to lash out. I'll find out.

Once again thank you for your apex advice. I am really thankful to have a space to share this with people who have lived experience of this.

Am I crazy for wanting to take him back if he ever did try and ‘charm’ me back up? My better judgment would have to avoid it like the plague but there’s a part of me (probably because it’s still quite raw) that romanticises about the idea. Please be the voice of reason. I need to hear it.