NotWendy,
Your second paragraph starting with In a nutshell is something I can remember easily and is a truth I can hold onto as I move forward.  I appreciate your input about Kaiser being an option- my son isn't left w/o resources. I was an Alanon member regularly for over a decade. I was greatly helped and grew as my first marriage was with an alcoholic np/bpd.
I'm now walking forward with my son and learning not to drift along with old habits and ingrained ways. I'll do it, a step at a time. 

It's interesting that he states he's NC with you but copies you on emails to the therapist which usually would be confidential.

He's communicating with you.

This is not to excuse his behavior- or for you to not have boundaries with him. For your own well being, it's important that you don't get involved in his emotional drama. You can enjoy your family and protect your circle of "normality".

However, it may help to see his behavior as not being about you, or anything you have done, but his own emotions and his own shaky sense of self. This way it doesn't affect you emotionally as much (I think we always have feelings about a family member but it's more about him than you).

Even though their behavior is dysfunctional and even hurtful, pwBPD want what other people want and for my mother - how people perceived her was important to her. One of the unspoken family "rules" was to not speak about BPD mother's behavior and to maintain the impression that she was competent and "normal".

She wanted what every other woman her age wants- to have her grandchildren show up for her and to have people see her as a grandmother. However, visits to her were not always pleasant- and there could be drama. It wasn't something we'd choose to do as a family vacation. We did visit her more than any other family member over the years, but also I had boundaries to protect my children too.

We hadn't visited my father's family in their area. This was a first time for us. A part of the visit was that it was in an area we wanted to visit as a vacation. In addition to seeing family- we did activities, saw sights. There wasn't a way to rationally explain this to her.

For my BPD mother, what she felt was that we were making an effort to visit my father's family and not her and she wanted us to do it for her. However, relationships are formed over years, and we were close with my father's family, and I think this visit triggered a lot of emotions for her. We had no intention of hurting her but due to her own feelings she felt it was.

Shame is a difficult emotion for anyone and especially for someone with BPD.  For your brother, I think he feels a lot of shame for not having what is a common situation for men his age- a job, a stable family. He wants what peers his age want but his BPD has made achieving that difficult. That's not your fault or anyone else's fault. So when he sees you with your family, and sees you achieving- it is hard for him to deal with that emotionally.

It's possible that his wanting more material possessions like your house is his way of feeling "equal" to you, however, a house won't fix his feelings. Neither would it help for you to not enjoy or protect your family from dysfunction or try to "fix" your brother by sacrificing any of that. Even if you did, it wouldn't be effective. Sadly- this is their own emotional issues. I hope though that seeing it this way will help you to feel his behavior less personally.

Wow, it hasn't even been a month since this last post...it feels like it has been 6 months! LOL!  About 2 weeks ago, after all sorts of drama, my uBPDh agreed to stay at our house the nights before I work (he had switched to his good mood), since our kids literally refuse to go to his place (he carried them out kicking and crying the time before and then apparently yelled at them in the car because they were making him "look like a bad dad").  He told me that he wanted to help me out with all of the house work and running around of the kids.  I took that with a grain of salt and said that would be great.  The second day of helping me run the kids around, he came with me to pick my S (14) and his best friend up from a sports training session.  He immediately switched to not speaking to me and when we got home, walked around the house talking to his sister on the phone, and while they speak a different language so I couldn't understand exactly what they were saying, I could understand him saying that I had cheated on him "again", blah blah blah...with my son's coach.  I left it alone and continued on with my night.  The next day, out of no where, he switches into a good mood and asks me if its ok if he spends more time at the house, even when I don't have work.  I agree, as the kids are on summer break and thus need more care than when they were in school...our babysitter got an internship so had to stop working for us and I like having him around when he is in a good mood.  He tells me he is truly going to help out and packs a bunch of clothes, etc for the house.  Things go great, no issues up until now outside of him getting upset that I had put items that needed to go to Good Will in my stepdaughter's room, as she hasn't lived in our house for over 2 years...and he was not happy about that!  But he got over it quick and returned to baseline.  I was impressed with him...until I bring my car in for an oil change and learn that it needs over $3000 of repairs, which actually wasn't the issue.  The issue was when we were going to pick up my car, we drive past the place with my SD (14) had drivers ed class.  She had taken her permit test that day and I asked him how it went.  She is very smart, etc, so I have no doubt that she passed, but figured it would be nice of me to ask, since he often says that I don't care about her.  He got a little snippy with me and told me that her class hadn't ended yet, to which I told him ok, I think it has (my son took the same class a couple of months ago) but ok.  He went silent and then a couple of minutes later told me that I was very fidgety and why couldn't I stop moving, what was I nervous about.  I ignored him.  He has been in his not nice mood ever since, but not horrible, just pretty much ignoring me, giving me "the eye", not doing anything around the house, backing out last minute on driving my kids places so I have to figure out other rides for them, changing plans that we agreed upon, etc.  Does anyone have any suggestions for how to deal with this.  I am actually ok with him and how he is acting.  I am aware that I could probably switch his mood by showing affection, etc, but have decided to follow my emotions this time, not his, so have not done so.  The part that I struggle with is him backing out on agreements that we made, when I said to him when they were made that these agreements need to be ok with him at ALL times, whether he is talking to me or not, etc.  To which he agreed!  BUT...he is not following this.  I understand that I have to do what I have to do until he switches back.  Once he does, what do I do?  One agreement we made was that I would start to drive one of his cars, since my car is nice but older and is costing us more in repair and he has 2 cars.  Every time he gets to this mood, he tells me that he needs to "clean his car", etc, so I am not able to follow what we had agree upon.  Which makes me want to just drive my car and not follow what both of us agreed was best for our family financially.  Same with house work...and same with driving my kids.  When he switches back, do I just continue on like we had never had these agreements?  Do I point out how he forces these agreements to change when he switches?  Thanks!

I don't think "sick" is the best term for it. The term "co-dependent" fits- although I took me a long time to understand the term well. Many posters reject the term because I think it implies dependency- when in many cases it's the pwBPD that is dependent on them, materially. It's more of an emotional dependence. It also sounds like a clinical diagnosis and people who have co-dependent traits can be highly functional and are not mentally ill.

In a nutshell- it involves "helping" to the point of self harm in ways (money, time, emotions) and harm to the person being helped (enabling) and it feels almost automatic- hard to stop/resist.

For someone who grows up with a disordered parent and enabling in a family pattern, It's not your fault you have these behaviors but now, as an adult, you can work on changing them, and to change them, is up to you. This is the important part: your focus has been on changing your son but we can't change another person, we can only change ourselves, so switching the focus from helping him- to working on yourself can be more effective at changing this dynamic between the two of you- as it is the two of you in this "dance".

Like you, I was parentified as a child, and expected to also be an enabler- emotional caretaker to my BPD mother. Having these behaviors worked in my family- kids have to get by in their families- and it worked for you too, but they were dysfunctional as an adult. It had to work on them. Therapy and 12 steps- CODA, ACA, helped. (the dynamics where there's a BPD person are similar to those where there is an alcoholic so 12 steps can help).

Having boundaries with BPD mother did not lead to more harmony in the relationship or improve her BPD. She didn't like boundaries. However, it did decrease the drama between us as I was less emotionally reactive to her, and also helped me to see the difference between helping, enabling, and maintain my own emotional well being- not just with her but with everyone- these behaviors affect all relationships to some extent.

Although every parent wants the best for their child, when it comes to therapy, even the "best" isn't effective if the person isn't motivated to work with that. I know some people who have Kaiser and they do tend to have therapy in groups but Kaiser is still adequate for someone who is motivated to work with them. For any therapy to be effective, the person has to be motivated to work with it. If you don't pay for therapy- he isn't being denied therapy- he already has access to it. If he were motivated- he'd make use of the therapy available to him.

You need your retirement funds. For someone with BPD, often their "wants" feel like needs but wanting something besides Kaiser is not a need, it's a preference. A simple "no, we can not afford this" is enough of a reply to his requests. (even if he reacts to that)

Yes, that all makes sense Notwendy!

In the meantime, as expected, the reaction I got was a stream of emails full of accusations, hate, victimism, etc... As I was saying above, the funny thing is these emails are not even addressed at me, but at my mum's therapist. He sent the same email three times to different addresses, and even more weirdly he has not even included the therapist among the addresses, despite starting the email with "dear therapist"...
The bulk of the email is that because I am so lucky that I will have a third kid, he demands that I give him the house I got as part of our father's heritage, and he gives me the one he got...

Of course if he ever says somehtign directly to me about any of these emails, my response will be that:

- I don't respond to emails that are not addressed at me;
- I don't respond to messages that contain accusations, insults, threats or general negativity, as I have made clear multiple times now. 

Thanks CC, I really appreciate your support and encouragement
It's true what you said, I'm more invested than he is. I feel relief at the thought of pulling back financially and prodding him to get help. 

Hi Mom,

Here's what I see in your post.  The therapy program wasn't your son's idea, it was your therapist's.  You're the one who wants your son to do the DBT program, not him.  I would perhaps consider helping him out if he proposed the program, had applied for it and been accepted, had tried to pay, had showed some effort (e.g. by attending all scheduled sessions for a time)--and even then I probably wouldn't pay for all of the program, only a part of it, PROVIDED THAT he paid a meaningful amount himself, and only if I had the money to spare.  This is what I mean when I wrote, HE has to be the one to make things happen, not you.  Otherwise, my humble opinion is that he's not "ready" for the therapy, because you're the driver, not him.  I think there would be a better chance of success if he tried the program offered by his own insurance plan.

I know you're desperate, and only a parent would potentially put their financial life on the line to help their kids.  But I'm thinking of you here.  You need to take care of yourself now, and your son needs to be responsible for himself.  It doesn't mean you're the sick one; I think it just means you're operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.

You shouldn't have to feel you broke any promises here.  You could say, you did the math and changed your mind, because you can't afford it.  You're retired and have a fixed income, you don't have the money to spare.  But your son is working, he has insurance, he can get the help he needs.  All he has to do is choose to do that.  I think your job is mainly to provide moral support and be a calm, happy cheerleader.  I don't think you can do that if you raid your nest egg and put your retirement at risk.

Look, my husband delayed retirement for two years to "help" his BPD daughter.  Basically, he kept working so that she didn't have to.  He paid for numerous therapy sessions and programs that she skipped or quit early, and let me tell you, they were not cheap.  I think that is extremely mixed up.  But he was desperate.  Believe me, I get where you're coming from.  I really think your son would find a therapy program for himself if he wanted it.

I've been thinking a lot about my enabling and about my already using a big chunk of my retirement savings in doing that. Actually, I think I was feeling pretty self righteous if that's the correct term in caring more about my son than my savings. That makes me sad. It takes two to do this dance. Anyway, I'm going to be transparent. Several weeks ago  I told my son that I'd pay for his dbt therapy. I was told by my therapist  that there is a gold standard of dbt therapy in our area and I offered to pay for it. His insurance won't cover and it would use up 1/3 of my remaining savings for a year's worth of sessions.  I once again was willing to sacrifice until it hurt for him to be ok. Now, I'm starting to waffle after looking at my actions and "my" desire (or need) for him to be ok.  My question right now is, who is the sick one here? To top it off , he has Kaiser insurance and they do have dbt. It would give him the basics. The thing is he refuses to go there. I believe he didn't like the "group" experience he had 15yrs ago when his then wife pushed him to go. He told me you don't get the same therapist each time with Kaiser. I'm thinking IF he really wanted help he'd push past his opinion and give it a try.
He suggested Telahelp. He researched cost and it's 1/4 of the cost of "gold standard"  - yet, Idk if they are skilled in dbt.
Do any of you get yourself in over your head trying to "help"?

Hi there,

Based on your post, I think your partner is stressed out.  It may be that he's stressed by the idea of moving--because change is hard, especially for pwBPD.

Many people (not just pwBPD) have a tendency to value their own contributions, while they discount what others do.  I've seen this over and over again.  I just think that with BPD, this tendency is super-sized.  But if you were to present your partner with an accounting of all you contribute financially and through labor, my guess is that he would probably explode.  Why?  Because he might feel you "upstage" him, while you discount all that he does.  He might feel inadequate.  He might think you're accusing him of not providing enough.  Deep down, my guess is that he's extremely insecure.  To prop himself up, he's creating a narrative that he pays for EVERYTHING.  That's to bolster his confidence, even if it's based on a lie.  Perversely, he might be trying to put you down, in a misguided way to make himself feel better.  My guess is that he's tremendously insecure and needs some reassurance.

Here's another thing that might be going on.  Is this the first time he's bought a home?  The entire process can be overwhelming, with mortgages, house hunting, offers, inspection, moving, long-term commitments, etc.  Merely investigating the parameters of a mortgage (down payment? fixed or adjustable? 30 years? points? monthly payments? insurance? property taxes? closing costs? pre-approval? underwriting?) can feel confusing, like it's way too much.  Some people feel a lot of anxiety about the process, and they could feel "ashamed" for asking questions.  Maybe he's afraid of looking stupid, in front of you, a mortgage broker or a realtor.  So what does he do?  He lashes out at you.  In fact, he blames YOU for "causing" all this stress.  His coping mechanism is to blame you for everything:  he doesn't like the house you like.  You're forcing him into something he doesn't want.  Or it's your fault you haven't found something he likes yet.  But he hates the rental.  Bottom line, it's your fault.  Does that sound about right?  If it does, that's classic BPD:  blame-shifting and victim attitude.

How do YOU cope with all of this?  My general advice would be not to make any huge "investments" today, while he makes promises about future contributions, unless you're prepared to lose the investment, because he's liable to change his mind (or refuse to hold up his end of the deal, claiming there never was a deal in the first place).  My humble opinion is that if he wants something, he should have some "skin in the game," right alongside you.  I don't think it would necessarily have to be 50%/50%, but I think it should be meaningful.  Plus, he should make it happen WITH you.  You shouldn't be doing all the legwork, to ensure it's a true partnered endeavor.  If he can't compromise on anything, and all he does is complain, well, that right there might be a valid reason to stop the househunt.

So what I might suggest is that if you rent a place together, you both pay part of the rent.  If you do home improvements, you both pay a share of them.  When you do chores, you split them up.  Ideally you would swap chores every so often, so that you both "see" and "appreciate" the contributions made.  Importantly, if he doesn't have any money for a down payment on a home, my humble opinion is that maybe buying a house isn't in the cards for him right now.  I think people benefit by saving up gradually for a down payment first . . . because it's good practice for the financial sacrifice that comes with home ownership.  My humble opinion is that if he doesn't have any savings for a down payment yet, he's not ready for home ownership.  Moreover, if you take care of the down payment, he's liable to feel emasculated by you.  Then it feels more like "your" house, not his.  I'd say, wait until he can save up a meaningful part of the down payment, and then you pay it, together.

Just my two cents.  Hope that perspective might help a little, even if you disagree.

Notwendy, 
I truly appreciate your advice. Because it's based on your sad but real experience.  Your text helped me to look beyond the immediate issue to where my enabling would lead me. 
It's true, rescuing won't cure bpd.