Yikes, this is a very bad situation, and you need some help.

Some thoughts:

- This is a bad situation for all the children involved.  Really bad. 

- You're letting him drag you down into the mud with him.  I understand your side, and why you're upset, but when you're getting involved in screaming/swearing, and that sort of back and forth with his mother and him, you're contributing to the hostility and making the situation worse.

- I would talk to my kids and let them know you understand the situation is not great, listen to how they feel about it, and let them know you're listening. 

- He's unlikely to leave on his own - they never do.  Decide what you need to do, and make a plan; it's likely not going to resolve itself anytime soon, but you need to think long term here, and consider things a month at a time. 

An emotion dump and an unclear need for guidance on this situation.

We have been having discussions our relationship and her behaviors.  She finally admitted that she has it, but hasn’t been formally diagnosed.  She wasn’t ready to hear my thoughts and feelings on how she made me feel.  I want to be open with her and tell her how hard she has made it for me and how I am having a difficult time fully trusting her, because of the manipulation, isolation, splitting, etc…. I do want to share with her how awful she made me feel and how I did not want to be around her, because how much she hurt me.

Yesterday the CMO took her out for coffee and how she felt bad that they drifted apart and my Wife made the comment on how it wasn’t the CMO, but my wife’s own isolating.  I was happy for her and giving her compliments on how she is a great person, people like you and I made the comment, “you are one of my favorite people.”  This comment derailed the whole conversation.  She felt hurt by my comment and how it was “middle school’, like you are one of my best friends, but I have others”.  I made it clear it was not a slight, but I refused to apologize.  It was escalating and she wanted me to apologize for making her feel that way.  She took time for herself and we were able to talk later on it calmly.  I told her it was similar to the way she always thinks I am smelling her, because she thinks she has a bad odor, when I am only breathing.  It seemed to have made sense to her, how that statement was layered with nothing negative and me breathing from my nose is me oxygenating. 

This morning she seemed unsettled and annoyed.  The weather is rainy, her period is coming, tomorrow is her last day at her old job and it is day before my colonoscopy; I will be stuck on the toilet most of the day.  She herself claims not to be feeling well and avoidant of responsibilities for work and our son.  She told work she is “working from home”. I can feel the resentment building up, because I am unavailable for today and most of tomorrow.  She will also have to take care of our son alone in the morning.  She hasn’t taken him alone in the morning for almost a year.  I get made to feel guilty for being sick or having medical issues.

We tend to give them too much power by knuckling under to "keep the peace" or walking on eggshells around them, but it's revealing when you get these insights into their worldview and realize how delusional they are, and how they believe their own B.S.

I had an unpleasant interaction with my ex recently because she skipped some of my D's sports practices and didn't respond to some comments from the coach.  I texted her asking if she was going to take her to her games this weekend, and she responded with this rant about how "everyone" was mad at me, and last Thursday the coach talked to me about some forms that needed to be signed (not true at all; I didn't even speak to him that day). 

I just wondered what the hell was going through her head... does she think she's fooling me?  Like I wouldn't remember something like that?  Just pathetic how incapable they are of taking any accountability.  In her mind, it doesn't matter if our daughter's things are taken care of, as long as she doesn't get blamed for anything. 

It's nice to not have to respond.  I reached out to the coach to confirm whether we needed to do or sign anything, and got a very different story than what BPDxw was telling me...

I’m so sad about the pain my ubpd sibling is in. I know I can’t change it but I guess when they weren’t feeling let down by me and we were really in each others lives I did feel like I might be helping a little bit. I’m having trouble with the change.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062301.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

I completely agree- why would I divorce someone who pays my bills and I barely ever see them...plus they don't seem to mind that I'm being unfaithful?  If that were my character and values (which is deplorable), I would never want to divorce.

This will be up to you to decide how to proceed and how much to tolerate.  Since there's kids involved, that complicates matters greatly and you have to figure out what to do when your wife wants the kids to spend time with the new partner.  If it hasn't happened yet, it's probably coming.  And I think that's where I'd draw a line in the sand- you and your friend aren't bad-mouthing me to the kids, changing their life values, and ultimately messing up their lives.

This has so many different ways to go sideways, so enjoy the peace while you can.  I think it's like a mirage in the desert....you think you're walking towards water, but it's actually quicksand.

What you initially feared (her seeking a GF) has turned out to be a reprieve for you. I agree- don't expect it to last. IMHO, this is one more external "seeking solutions" for her emotional distress and she's in the early "highs" of a new relationship. But you know the outcome this pattern.

That she isn't helping at home isn't really much of a change. Seems like a small trade off for the time to yourself.

This probably doesn't need to be said- but don't reciprocate by you also finding someone. That would be chaos and drama.  Use the emotional space to reconnect with yourself and your kids. Also keep in mind that with BPD the "rules" apply to you but not to them. She would perceive it as a huge betrayal, even if she's doing it herself.

Wife with GF is an unconventional solution (and not likely to last) but it has given you a break from the chaos. It's a possible "exit" for you as it could be a deal breaker but, IMHO, only if you were to take action, and you'd have to decide on that if it were to happen.

Your wife now has what she imagines is the best of both worlds- your financial support, a family, a GF on the side, and no responsibilities at home. She would have no incentive to change this.

I'm so sorry dad got bad test results.  It's heartbreaking and I agree with you- now is not the time to worry about the other stuff.  It's all silly anyway compared to what your parents are facing right now.  I hope and pray your dad finds the right course of treatment to overcome this.

Someone say : Even if you're the "perfect, quiet wife," he might still find an excuse to distance himself due to his inner turmoil.

Is that true? Even if I did that two years ago, would there still be an internal conflict dynamic between us?

I'm in a long-distance marriage. My husband is increasingly busy with his work and rarely comes home. My friends say it's my fault for being a nagging wife. All I ask for is time and good communication.

At her final extinction burst she said something she'd never said before which was 'I'm never coming back into this bar and don't ever come looking for me again''. As I'd already decided we were done, I took her at her word and never looked for her again.

.. a few weeks later a friend said she'd come back into the bar looking for me, as she always did But I was now long gone and free from the game-playing.. and what a relief it was!