Sometimes with my BPD daughter (who's late 20's), I've found it easier to lean into stuff like that instead of trying to argue it.  He's neurodivergent?  We'd better get him tested right away since he should be in specialized classes that will help him learn better social skills.  Can we get an appointment with a specialist this week?  There's no time to waste, nothing but the best care for our son.

This forces my BPD to either double down or back off, but either way it leads to professional help.  It also creates a paper trail of your son being tested, which can later be handy to have in court for her "parenting style" of making up nonsense.  And if he does actually happen to be neurodivergent, then it's good to recognize that early.  Either way though, it removes her excuses from the table because you're encouraging what she's saying in in the child's best interests.  Either she's right or she's not.

TelHill and Notwendy,
It really is comforting to me to know that you would not help the neighbor out in this situation because of how she would use the help as a means to open the door to more abuse. Thank you for understanding.

My friend told me I am too nice to people, and that is what makes me a target for being taken advantage of by the wrong kind of people. I agree. I am now dealing with a man I would rather not associate with whom I see in the park. He now wants to take me out to a new restaurant because in his words he would rather test the restaurant out on me than take his aunts there first and find out that the food is not very good. I have some work to do on setting healthier boundaries with people. At the same time, I enjoy interacting with all kinds of people. The boundaries to work on include not being such an open book and distancing myself sooner rather than later with people who are unsafe.

If you already have a custody and parenting schedule order and you ex is not complying with it, then the court will likely confirm it if your ex does not have convincing substantiated documentation and not just hearsay or "I am the Mother".  Yes, she is the mother, but you're the father.  You're not just chump change.

She may have decided for herself that she has authority over you, but family court is The Authority.  However, court also seems reluctant to put its foot down quickly and does seem to make the smallest changes to existing orders.

Do you have a lawyer?  Will your ex appear with one?

If you have only a brief hearing scheduled, such as for a half hour, then not much may get decided.  You may need to ask for a Custody Evaluation where the evaluator digs past the surface claims and looks deeper into the parenting of both parents.  Mine was done over a course of 4-5 months by a local child psychologist who was trusted totally by the court.  His initial report was barely 11 pages but it packed a punch.

Be aware that not all custody evaluators are proficient or unbiased.  Some are newer professionals, try to write books to submit to the court and charge high fees to match.  So if you decide to ask for a CE then do similar to how you would choose a counselor for your children in a contested scenario... take the time to vet the ones available in your area, make a short list of ones who are respected and bring that to court.  Why to court?  Court may like it better if both parents are involved in the selection.  By being ready to offer your vetted list to the court for the ex to make the final selection, then you may avoid the risk of your ex choosing one who may be partial, biased, gullible or inexperienced.

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories; it helps to know I’m not alone in this.

I want nothing more than to co-parent peacefully, but my ex’s hyper-focus on 'knowing best' and her insistence on diagnosing our 6-year-old with neurodivergence has made that nearly impossible. Lately, she has moved from being difficult to actively obstructing my relationship with our son.

After two years of a consistent 'status quo' schedule, she’s decided she is now the sole gatekeeper. She’s justifying withholding him by saying 'he doesn’t want to go,' and she’s started circumventing school pickups by keeping him home or showing up early to intercept him. I refuse to make a scene in front of him, but it's heartbreaking.

My ex-parte request was denied because he isn't in 'immediate danger,' and now I’m just stuck waiting for the custody hearing while she dictates the rules and builds a distorted narrative. I’m following the advice to not involve him in the 'grown-up talk,' but I feel defeated and I just miss my son.

This is a huge misconception- and I think this is cultural. Men are expected to be stronger and the protectors. The size difference does make women more vulnerable to physical abuse but that doesn't mean it can't happen that women are abusive too. Emotional and verbal abuse are not size or strength dependent. I also think female abuse to males is undereported due to men feeling embarrassed about being abused by a woman. Female abuse to men happens. It's real and men who have experienced this deserve recognition and support, just as women have.

You're only human and a BPD relationship is the most mentally draining of all relationships because there's simply no logic to the BPD partner's actions.. no wonder we snap sometimes.

Like Pook I sometimes found that really letting go and venting at my exbPD did actually have some effect at curbing her outbursts.. but they always came back after a while.  I remember one time writing to her and saying 'You don't deserve any boyfriend, let alone me so stay away from me'.

I intended it as an end but surprisingly, this actually made her come and see me and try to explain but it was probably mostly motivated by her desire not to be alone rather than any genuine remorse.

Try and focus more on yourself - you deserve happiness and calm. What she does is out of your control, no matter how well you treat her so don't be hard on yourself.

I know that I had some issues with calling it abuse initially. Maybe cause I'm a guy and thought I couldn't be 'abused' by a small woman. Just saw it as high conflict. Everyone I talked to called it abuse. I've accepted that I was abused now. It's a very strange to be , an abuse survivor. Still sounds embarrassing to me.

This also sounds weird, I'd rather be physically abused than emotionally and verbally. We all stayed in those relationships far too long because we justified the bad behavior. I imagine if we accepted we were being abused earlier we would have left less broken.

A year and a half after the breakup, I am still healing. It feels like we just broke up some days. Very strange. I've never had this much of an issue after any other breakup.

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Spam". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062312.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

Love the pink elephant and the crazy party. Thank you.