Hi Foolingmyself.

I have a similar story.

My udd left her 2 small children with me for an overnight stay and didnt turn up again until 2 wks later.  She turned her phone off moments after she left my home and hadnt left details with anyone about where she had gone, even the gc daycare dint know anything, so I made a missing persons  police report, but they coudnt find her.

Turns out that she had gone to spend time with the new "love of her life"  and said it was all down to  miss communication on my part and that I was overeacting. Extended family actually believed her and belived  that I was blowing it out of all porportion. Easy to say and  very invalidating at the time as they only seemed to want to hear udd's side.

Opinions of many of these family members have since  changed as a quite a few who took her in  asked her to leave shortly afterwards because of her behaviour. Unless your relative has zero rules in her home I cant see how long she will be there especially if she is making plans as to live life as a single woman for the summer with this new man. I also think it is  important to try stay on good terms with this relative for gc's sake if udd decides to suddenly take off with him.

I can imagine how overwhelmed you feel but as you say you are exhausted. we all have our limits. Just know that you have done your best and it is time to put yourself first.

Thank you, everyone.

For a while, things were getting a bit better. He wasn't as anxious (or at least not outwardly so) before events and, while quiet, seemed a bit more relaxed when we were there. But this latest one really sent him into a tailspin. He ended up going and it was pretty obvious he didn't want to be there. He hit his limit of "people time" early and looked very uncomfortable. As soon as we were in the car, he started rattling off all the things that he'd felt were negative (when my sister asked about SS, she moved on to another topic too quickly; my mom gave him "a look" and obviously hates him and wishes I were with someone else; my dad talked too much about people he didn't know) I admit, I snapped and told him to "shut up." Another argument ensued when we got home.

Next morning, he was regulated again and started apologizing, pointing out all the things he felt bad about and should have handled differently, etc. When he's at baseline, he's insightful and reasonable, but once those emotions get going...

The thing is, he likes my family. He wants to be part of them. But he's so shy and introverted and (I think) has so much emotional baggage that he just finds it impossible. When he's dysregulated, that becomes my family's fault rather than his for being closed off and unapproachable. It's complicated. It's a large family. He's an only child with an only child. He was never very close to his adopted parents. He found his biological family about 8 years ago and hit it off with them, but after a lot of time together (instigated by them), they basically ghosted him with no explanation, essentially abandoning him twice.

I feel for him. But it's frustrating to try and navigate. One of my brothers-in-law also has a difficult family background and really wanted to become part of the family. I wasn't privy to what was going on in private, but it appears to have been a lot easier for him.

I think it becomes such a sticking point, because it's harder to throw your family in the proverbial "bottomless pit."  You can forego hobbies, friends, move neighborhoods, change jobs, drop out of activities, but cutting yourself off from your own flesh and blood is a dramatic step.  And once the pwBPD sees you have a standard you won't lower yourself to for them, it draws their attention to it. 

I wonder sometimes in my own case whether the motivating factor was simply that, or as she sometimes admitted, a fear that my family posed a "threat" to her because I would chose them over her.  What this meant in practice, I don't know.  She was my wife, and I wasn't going to marry them. 

But my take is that you can't really trust anything a pwBPD says, because it's usually a self-serving excuse to justify behavior in the moment, and also that because their own emotions are such a disordered mess, it's possible they don't even truly understand their behavior. 

You're just left dealing with the mess as best you can. 

I don't think I ever seriously dated anyone who was BPD before I eventually met my (now ex-) wife.  But I had a couple close calls where I had a date or two, or we spoke on the phone and then for whatever reason she moved on or told me she wasn't interested.  A couple of those stuck with me, mainly the more attractive ones, because I wondered what I could've done differently and what it would've been like. 

But then, having the experience I did and getting divorced, when one of those "close calls" reached out, I realized by her dodgy behavior, and quick temper that I suspected I was dealing with BPD, and wonder how many times I got lucky and dodged a bullet (before eventually catching one).  I think in some of those situations, I was just a branch they decided not to swing on for whatever reason, and like you saw, they weren't very honest and up front about their dating situation and past relationships. 
 

this is awesome, and a pretty healthy way to deal with someone like that. 

Spreading awareness is the best revenge.  Did she eventually move away?  I imagine if she knew the reputation she had, her first move would be to run away where she could start it all over again (because getting help and changing is actual work).

It's hard to be perceived as the "bad guy" and then have other family members in aliance with the pwBPD. It seemed that BPD mother perceived people through her projections. She saw people as being "on her side" or "not her side".  If she was angry at me, if I had boundaries- I was "not on her side".

For me, I had to form my own internal "ethics"- what I thought was being a good person and hold on to that as best as possible, no matter what BPD mother was thinking.

I didn't know what people in her circle were thinking about me.  I didn't try to clear the air- what good would that do?- whatever she said to them- they already believed her, so I didn't say anything about her. I just stayed cordial and polite around them.

You know who your "village" is- the people who see you for who you are and not as the "bad guy". These are the ones to be close to.

Funny story- I had completely forgotten about this until I saw your comment.

I was dating a girl in college; beautiful, full of life, everything was great.  Then she broke up with me almost out of nowhere.  Looking back, she was almost surely in the BPD spectrum.  And like so many others here, she had told me countless horror stories about ex's abusing her.

I knew the guy she left me for.  Skinny kid, long hair like a stakeboarder or surfer.  I hated him on principle alone because she was with him.  But then she dumped that guy too, and told me it's because he almost broke her leg on a trampoline.  Then another guy, completely different.  Grunge look, full of tatoos.  And she dumped that guy for someone else completely different.

I kept track for a few years but it eventually faded from my mind.  It was very hard getting over her for some reason (now I understand why because we see all the patterns).

Anyway, a few year later I walk into a gas station, and the attendent is the guy she left me for.  Instantly I want to punch him, LOL, but I keep quiet and hope he doesn't recognize me.  I get to the counter and he says, "Hey, didn't you used to date <girl's name>."  I said yes, anticipating a confrontation.

But then the guy says, "Hey, you should join our Facebook group!"  I was lost- what Facebook group?

He then proceeds to tell me that there were over 30 people in a Facebook group called "girl's name + ex's".  She lied to all of us about herself and everyone else, and when a few of them finally met and started putting together the facts, they actually made the group.  I didn't even know what to think about that so I never joined, but OMG...you talk about validation!  There were over 30 of us and she would have been like 24 years old at this time.

You are so right here. I think what I'm looking for is reassurance of what I already know. Our whole relationship from the time I set boundaries with her up to this point has been her trying to push me into a position to intervene and defend her. That had been my role growing up. When I finally recognized that it was dysfunctional and harmful (to both of us), I sought therapy to understand the dynamic better and established healthy, but difficult boundaries. It was a process, and she did everything she could to force my hand - going so far as to attempt to legally compel me (unsuccessfully). That was such a difficult situation because it involved a public battle with her and the rest of my family not understanding - so I really looked like a jerk. I told my therapist then that in reflecting on it, I could see that she was always going to do this - she was always going to escalate her attempts to pull me in - and she did. Ultimately, I insisted that if she wants a relationship with me, she needs to "meet me on healthy ground" - and I clearly defined that as ground where we both matter equally (rather than her needs driving everything). That was not easy for her or me - but it was exactly the right thing to do and the boundary has been in place successfully now for a couple years. As each new battle comes up and as I continue to uphold these boundaries, it's just a reminder of how hard she makes things for me in my family. But, if I'm honest, it seems to be getting a little easier. Thanks for responding. I just needed to sort it through.

My son was still 3 years old when we separated and that separation ended in divorce.  It started with court defaulting custody and the parenting schedule in mother's favor, for no reason but that kit was the court's default policy.  There was a lot of conflict, posturing, allegations, disparagement, all by my ex.  By the time he was nearly 12 years old the custody and parenting schedule was virtually reversed.

He's grown now, still lives with me, but he doesn't want to hear anything of the painful past.

I had a similar discussion with my daughter about a year ago.  She asked me point blank why I got divorced, and I could tell it was time to have "the talk." 

I set the stage by saying this was all my view of what went down and why, and that her mom likely had a different opinion on all this than me.  I told her how her mom behaved and the things she did and said I that I didn't like during our marriage.  She kept saying "YES!  She does the same things to [her mom's current fiancee and long time BF]"  She also confirmed that BPDxw tells her now that I broke up the marriage by having affairs and then leaving (while I did file for divorce, I never had an affair, and she didn't even dare to allege that in court), and other nonsense, like I had never paid her child support. 

At the end of our talk, my daughter was in a really good mood.  I think (and others told me) that she probably suspected all this for a long time, but was torn because her mom's story didn't hold up to scrutiny.  But because unlike her mom, I don't spend all our time together badmouthing my ex, blaming her for everything, making up entire false narratives about it, etc. her mom's side was all she had to go on.  Now that she had my side to corroborate her gut feelings about her mom and who was right, it was reassuring to her. 

The "I wasn't the crazy one" feeling is such a relief. 

I understand and many of us here also do. I've done a lot of work on the issues in my own family of origin. I think it's a work in progress. We come a long way, then some other experience shows us there's more work to do. That's OK- it's all  a learning process. I don't think anyone "has it all done/together"- it's all about personal growth over time, which is what you are doing.