Enabling only happens if my behavior has any effect on her ability to learn and grow. She lacks that ability. Cooking dinner for the family does not enable her to not cook dinner for herself. She had difficulties feeding herself before we met and will have the same difficulties if we separate. This lack of ability to care for herself is in no way caused by me or enabled by me because no matter what I do or don't do, the outcome is the same. The reason to not cook dinner for the family would be to not expend my energy or resources to my own detriment. Me providing a stable income and place to live is not enabling her not to work. She couldn't hold a job before I met her, and she won't have a stable job if we split up.
I completely disagree...enabling is not about her growing, it's about her being enabled to take six hour naps and ignore the kids because she knows you'll get them if she doesn't show. The same goes for dinner, and holding a job, and everything else in her life. If you're doing it for her, with her, in spite of her, etc, then you're enabling her to not do those things for herself or her family.
If you split up, she'll have to pay her own bills, make her own money, drive the kids to school and back, plus make her own meals. If she doesn't do any of those things, she will not have custody of the kids. And as others have said, maybe she gets alimony and/or child support. That won't continue though if she can't function as an adult. There are basic standards of care she must provide to be in compliance with the courts.
If you were to separate, she would have to make choices on her own. Maybe she moves in with the girlfriend and just lives off her...that's the easy route for now. But how long would that last? My guess is that it would wear out fairly quick. Eventually she would have to grow up.
You mentioned that if you don't cook dinner, she has trouble feeding herself. Okay. Eventually she will get hungry enough to get something to eat.
I'm not saying to end the marriage or stop doing things for her; I simply want you to see that she will not change as long as you're doing everything for her and she doesn't HAVE TO change. The only way she changes is if there's something to gain, like getting something to eat or convincing the courts that she can pick up kids and feed them.


