Hi there,
Welcome to the group. By the sound of things, your adult daughter is living with you, correct? My guess is that she's reliant on you for housing, and probably for much more. If she's drinking during the day, then she's probably unemployed or underemployed. Do I have that right? Did she rebound to your place after a failed relationship? Does she blame her ex for ruining her life? Or is she mostly focused on blaming you? Are there any grandchildren in the picture? Is your daughter currently in therapy? Is she taking some steps forward to get her act together, or is she devolving into an angry mess of despair, while lashing out at you, practically full-time?
Apologies for the onslaught of questions . . . as you've probably seen, BPD behaviors can impact all aspects of life--from relationships to employment to housing to finances to general health and hygiene. In my opinion, it's the pervasive and chronic nature of the behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. I'm asking all this to understand what your biggest issue is right now, and to consider ways to tackle that issue first. If your biggest issue is that you're simply at the end of your rope, then you're not alone.
Here we talk a lot about boundaries. Just note that when enforcing boundaries, you can't expect to change your daughter's behavior. You can't control her BPD, her emotions or her actions (like drinking). What you do control is YOU, and how YOU react to certain situations. That's why I asked about your biggest problem right now, to try to brainstorm some boundaries you might establish, with the goal of making YOUR life better. Since you mentioned alcohol, you might decide that alcohol is destroying your homelife, and therefore you want your home to be alcohol-free. You could discuss a new boundary with your daughter, in a relatively calm moment. You might say something like: "I love you, and I can't tolerate watching you poison yourself with alcohol or drugs in my home. It stresses me out too much when you abuse substances. Of course, you are an adult, and you can choose to drink or use drugs whenever you want--that's your choice--but not while you're under my roof. From now on, alcohol and drugs are not allowed in my home. If I suspect you are using, I will search your room. If I find alcohol or illicit substances in the house, I will flush them down the toilet. If you are intoxicated in my home, I will ask you to stay somewhere else until you're sober." A tougher boundary might be, "If you use alcohol or drugs in my home, I will ask you to live somewhere else."
Now, pwBPD do not like boundaries. When you try to enforce them, you should expect an escalation. Here we call that an "extintion burst," which is basically an amped-up version of the tactics that had historically worked for your daughter to get her way. Maybe she yells, insults you and makes threats until you want to relent, just to get her to stop. You see, for a long time in your daughter's life, yelling, insulting and making threats got her concessions. Thus the key to establishing a new boundary is reliable enforcement. You need to decide ahead of time what you are willing and able to do, and be sure to follow through, every time. Ultimately, remember that you establish a boundary to protect YOU. She's not going to like it, because she's used to getting her way after throwing a fit. But you deserve to protect your own life and well-being, because you are worth it, no matter what your daughter says or accuses you of.
Look, you're no good to your daughter if you're fed up, downtrodden, exhausted and frustrated all the time. I suspect you need to reclaim your home and focus on your own well-being, especially after enduring DECADES of all this. Your daughter needs Calm, Happy and Relaxed Mom, not Abused, Worried and Frazzled Mom. Oftentimes on these boards, I advise parents to model for your pwBPD what a healthy adult's life looks like. That includes taking care of yourself and maintaining a peaceful home. It also includes not letting other people walk all over you and tolerating abusive behavior. You deserve respect, and you won't let misbehavior rule your own home. How does that sound?
Just so you know, my own adult stepdaughter with BPD has rebounded to my home, several times. The last time she lived with me, the rules were simple: free room and board for her, provided that she is respectful, cleans up after herself and finds full-time employment (and works full-time on her job search until then). When it was clear that she wasn't holding up her end of the bargain, her dad asked her to leave. It was a messy exit (pwBPD don't like boundaries!), but I think it was actually good for everyone. She landed on her feet, got a job and has been doing OK, even if she's furious at her dad and me for "kicking her out," though it was her own choice to break the house rules. Meanwhile, we regained peace in our home. The alternative--having her lie around all day in our home, not contributing, not looking for work, not working on herself, while hating us and blaming us--is much worse for everyone.
Hope that perspective helps a little.
