All these flying monkey relatives together. It's not an event you'd want to attend.

There's absolutely no reason why you'd have even considered being in town for that event.

I think you managed it well. It's hard to avoid complete contact with family members who are connected to other family members. A phone call from your area is something you might want to answer sometimes. I think it also still can bring up feelings but that's expected- these situations are hard. I think you handled it just right. You didn't give her any drama by reacting. Now, they can have their event together- something you wouldn't want to attend anyway.

I so understand your wanting to be acknowledged and for your ideas for progress to be heard.  And the reality is that the current pattern IS the pattern.  Reality here stinks.

Do you know if the therapists your pwbpd has been seeing are experienced with this condition and use one of the evidence-based treatment practices  - dbt, mentalization-based treatment, or transference-focused psychotherapy?

I'll say that for me, the odds of my pwbpd ever accessing any therapy, let alone these modalities, are virtually nil. So, as hard as it is to accept the reality, logic says I must.

We all want to be heard.  In fact, my biggest difficulty in dealing with all of this is that I am not heard.  They ask me for help, and I try to talk about what I notice. They immediately start hitting me with reasons why I’m wrong, why my fixes are impossible, or a complete misunderstanding of what I said because they are listening on the defensive.  They both hate themselves and reject any criticism of themselves or their situation.   

I get that they want to be affirmed.  I also get that I want to be affirmed.  I want acknowledgment that I am in the relationship and also have fears, wants, needs, and struggles.   

I know that BPD can be hell, as can the emotional struggles, but sometimes there is a part of me that senses some enjoyment in there. 

One reason why I suggest not making a break up statement- or any statement and just keeping your reactions low key is also to give you some emotional space to work through your own feelings.

None of your relationships are exclusive. He's allowed to have a relationship with another person. Your boundary is that you don't want to hear about it- because when you do, you feel hurt and anxious.

That's completely normal and one reason someone would choose an exclusive relationship, but for this to work, both people need to want and choose this.

People have all kinds of different boundaries in open relationships, but from what I have heard, there are still some boundaries, even if monogamy isn't one of them. You have a set of boundaries that you and your H agree on. With this BF you also want boundaries - not hearing about his other interests, but he doesn't have the same boundaries as you. (with pwBPD boundaries are difficult).

While he seems to be a focus right now, it may help to focus on you and your feelings, what you wish for in this situation, and if it is workable for you, emotionally. You might have feelings for him, but overall, if this situation is hurtful to you, you still can choose yourself, but first, figure out your feelings before saying something to him or acting on them.

If he's living with you, there's logistics to this as well. If he's paying rent, on a lease- then he will be there even if you make a statement to him and that will be an emotional situation. The timing of the lease, whatever other options he has for living, could be a consideration if you were to choose to not be in the relationship. If you choose to continue the relationship- then he's also free to have a relationship with someone else- and even if you have feelings about this- these will be yours to manage.

I experienced 'discard' just a few weeks ago, and at the suggestion of our former couples therapist, began exploring a little around relationships with BPD individuals. What I found was enlightening, very saddening, and in some cases, reassuringly predictable. It fit a little too neatly to be coincidence.

I have found one of the hardest aspects of the discard being how I was left to 'hold' the entire relationship; not just the chaos of our 18 months together, but the suddenness of the ending, the way I was characterised in that ending, and the cauterisation. I understand a little more now about the wound in myself that may have created and contributed to what happened, but both things can be true - it was a lot to bear.

In time, I came to a place where I felt very strongly that I wanted to reclaim a part of myself. I felt bullied; abused. I decided to take a couple of actions which I remain pleased I did, even though they had varying degrees of difficult consequences.

I felt very sad that I never got to say goodbye. I had a sense of what was going on, and like many, I had been told in the aftermath of the discard, explicitly, "don't contact me again and throw away my stuff. I don't want it". But the goodbye felt important to me. I knew the response I would get, which I am sure if you're on this subreddit you can probably guess, and that's exactly what happened.

She had a lot of stuff at my house, some of which was, I knew, important to her. It predated our relationship. Some of it was decades old. I didn't want to spend a painful journey throwing it all away, and it wasn't my responsibility to do so. So, I carefully packaged it and had it couriered to her house. This was, unsurprisingly, "harassment".

After a couple of weeks and some intense therapy, I have been feeling bullied. Like I wanted to stand up for myself. Again, I had a sense of what the response might be and that even if I chose my words very carefully - and I did, of course - that sending an email telling her I had spent a large part of our relationship afraid of her anger was likely not going to end well. But it felt important to me, for my integrity. I'm aware I sound like an idiot. But I'm also guessing if you're reading this you've been there or similar.

The response was catastrophic. A single email was met with four responses within an hour and a half, and then messages to my friends and family telling them I was abusive, she was worried about my mental health, and she would be making a complaint about me to my professional body (I am a therapist) and possibly to the police. My email was a "tirade" and "astonishing". Every accusation, as per usual, a painful projection.

I am not worried about complaints particularly. The nature of the relationship speaks for itself, and I have everything saved.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm very shaken up. I have had to make the difficult decision to protect myself, and report it to the police as 'information only'. I don't want her to get into trouble, and I have a sense of what that kind of escalation might do to someone in a fragile state. I couldn't live with that on my conscience.

But I am not sorry I did it, and I am not sorry I told my truth. I'm going to guess many of you have felt the same as me coming out the other side of those relationships - small, battered, afraid. I just wanted to perhaps offer this thread as a place where strength could be shared. Perhaps you're not as stupid as me, and prefer to keep yourself to yourself. No contact is the best way forward, and make no mistake - I've said my piece now.

Thank you, if you've read this far.

It's progress that you could see yourself doing this. If we have the tendency to step in and rescue too much- that we can see ourselves about to do it, and then decide not to is a big step!

This is so common with BPD as well.  There always has to be someone on a pedestal to focus all your good energy on, and there's always someone terrible that gets all the bad energy.  One's perfect, one's out to destroy you.  This happens so the BPD doesn't have to be responsible for themselves- everything good is because of this person.  All my problems are because of that person.

These are lies, fairy tales.  But it's central to the condition and one of the easiest traits to recognize.  It's thinking in absolutes (absolutely perfect, absolutely evil, always doing this, never doing that, etc).

My mind ties that straight to religion.  There's God, then there's...other stuff that's not God.  When you pray a selfish prayer, God is not the one answering.  We absolutely need to be careful of what we wish for, because we just might get our wish granted with all the good/bad that comes with it.

She never offered any information about herself either, which I also found strange.  It's like the fact she had someone to be with was entirely enough for her, no further info needed or given. I wonder if she ever truly saw me as an individual at all or just someone who stopped her being alone.

Many years later, her sister in law said she'd had a bad childhood, which seems to be one of the common factors in developing BPD

I think that indirectly you've hit on a central BPD trait, which is general negativity.  She's prone to complaining about all sorts of things, right?  She gets attention when she complains, and so she might actively find things to complain about.  She says she hates the carpet, and yet she also hates the idea of replacing it, because of the change, disruption, temporary discomfort and maybe the cost.  Yet she pesters you to take care of the carpet, to have her needs met, while also controling you (and getting extra attention from you).  But when you take action, she delays . . . maybe to defer making a decision, to avoid a disruption, and also to reclaim your attention.  For the moment it sounds like the carpet is her primary worry.  But if it weren't the carpet, it would probably be something else, maybe something that you did "wrong" in her eyes.

Here's another related BPD trait:  not really knowing what she wants.  That might be linked to a poor sense of self, as well as shifting moods.

There's another explanation, which is the desire to have her cake and eat it too.  It's impossible to replace a carpet without pulling out the old one.  She wants both but can't have them, and the cognitive dissonance is making her grumpy, making her change her mind.