My 45 yr old swbpd was a very sensitive child and clingy to me even as an infant. For the most part he wanted to stay by my side playing or reading. His brother 4yrs younger was the opposite and would easily entertain himself. Swbpd never bonded with his Dad who has mental health issues. His Dad was jealous of him and of him taking my time. We divorced when my sons were in their teens. What I did not find this out until swbpd was 20 was that he was repeatedly molested by friends who I traded babysitting with. Both husband and wife were involved and threatened our lives if he ever told. Evil people. 
My son didn't display any issues I noticed until about 12rs old. He would at times lay on his bed and cry that he was going to die. I tried to talk with him and comfort him at those moments. He was a sweet kid.  At 15 he began to bully his younger brother, push back with his Dad.  He ran away, he started hanging out with a rough group of guys. He shared many years  later he was involved in beating another kid with this group. The bullying of his brother got so bad - I tried family counseling, SAY counseling... I attend parenting meetings for kid acting out... We had him move in with his grandparents to protect our younger son. He loved his grandfather and bonded with him but they let him run as he pleased.. He dropped out of high school, worked with the  Conservation Corp. Younger son and I visited him and he seemed to be doing well. I got a call at midnight- he left the Corp (got kicked out?) and was in a bus station hours away and was in a panic that he wasn't safe and wanted me to drive and get him. I did not, he was 18. I told him to wait until the morning to take a bus home. At 19 he married a woman 14yrs his senior. She had a 17yr old and a 6yr old.  Lots of drama and violence. Turns out she was on probation.  She took swbpd and her young daughter to the mall and taught them how to steal small items. She pushed him to join the Navy. He did but was quickly sent to what he called Nuts and Bolts and discharged. He divorced 1st wife after she was sent to prison. He married a high school sweetheart at 21. Lots of drama, some good times and two beautiful children who lived through it. I paid for couples, individual and family therapy. I was in the middle of their struggles. My granddaughter asked to live with us as a little girl.
My daughter inlaw carried the brunt of the bpd fallout for many years. Inspite of the trauma and triangulation  - she and I love each other dearly. It must be like the bond soldiers in war have with each other. She eventually divorced him. We had him stay with us. He was suicidal and I drove him to the hospital ranting where he was placed in a facility for 2 weeks. He came back and lived with us for 2yrs until we nudged him out. He shares rent with his younger brother and uncle in his ex wife's house she moved out of. .They've shared custody and he has worked off and on until December where his ex helped him find a full-time job after he talked suicide again because of feeling like a failure in supporting himself and kids. He was an independent electrical contractor.  He tried real estate for a couple years and before that. It isn't that he is not intelligent it is that he is impaired and suffers from bpd. I don't use the word suffer lightly. He can ooze pain.
I wish I understood what was going on for him when he was younger maybe he'd be in a better place now. I do know I did try to get help for him, myself and our family as I knew how.
I don't if reading this might help someone who is scared for their child but in denial as how serious what they was dealing with is.
With proper understanding maybe another kid can get help that works much sooner.

ForeverDad - I can see that more clearly now. As I've been learning about bpd I see that my actions trying to prove I'm a good loving Mom by my enabling a mental illness has been for nothing. Nothing that has truly benefited him except in the immediate crisis by relieving pressure. 

I don't know if this is wise or not. I'm thinking ahead about when he will call in a crisis. I've been searching through the Forum library tools. I've read about DEARMAN, extinction, SET... I need to review more about them. Anyway,  I can picture him calling in a crisis, in a panic, possibly crying....
Does It help to be empathetic and calm him?  Do I listen long? Do I offer suggestions? I don't think so on this last one because he isn't in a logical state of mind when he is in this state. I used to stay on the phone for an hour, even more, call back, text and solve the dilemma by paying rent, registration,  getting water turned on....  Maybe there's no hard and fast way to respond.  If not are there things that aren't productive? I understand holding onto the boundary I set.

I've been here for many years and I can verify that 99.9% of our members here were not the instigators of conflict in their relationships.  (In the silver markets the "3 nines" represent quality.)

However, it can be devastatingly difficult to prosper when it seems you're in a relentless tug-of-war when you'd prefer to be on a team working together.

We have several boards here and I believe you will find the Tools and Skills Workshops board very enlightening and insightful with many time-tested concepts and strategies.

Do you have any children together?  Having children, as much as children are wonderful blessings, can make a dysfunctional marriage even more difficult to manage.

The others here have already mentioned the enabling aspect.  Just like appeasing, it can allow the current behavior to continue.

There is an alert given at the start of every airplane flight: "In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask before helping others."  Translation: You can't help others if you don't protect yourself first.  If you have a limited amount of savings for retirement, then protecting that buffer for your own future is your priority.  If your grown child is persisting in squandering his resources now - and your resources too - you have no assurance that once you have no resources left that he will step up and rescue you.

That's not hurting him to set a proper boundary for yourself.  That's "what is".  That's reality.

This forum and all of your feedback, experience, input...   is a lifeboat for us trying to get our balance, learn  behaviors that help us care for our own lives and could actually be more beneficial for our bpd loved ones. It's totally opposite of the way I have lived and acted. Thanks for being patient and reminding me. I am getting it. I've lived my unhealthy pattern for many decades.
Kbug- thanks for your story. I see reasonable and loving, caring actions for you child and yourselves.
Zachira- I really appreciate the word of caution in speaking to my younger son .
CC, Pook, NotWendy - I go back and reread your posts and pull out so much that I can use or hold onto.
I hope you all enjoy this day.

As a loving mother, you are concerned about how your younger son who lives with his brother is affected by his brother's disordered behaviors and whether to tell him about BPD or not. Certainly your younger son is affected by his brother's behaviors. It sounds like he may likely be enabling him as he is living with him. You might say something to him about his brother's behaviors not being normal and see how he responds. I have often told my friends who are mothers: "You can't say this to your child while others will more likely be listened to because they are not the mother." Be careful with your words and how much you disclose. Wait for your younger son to show he is interested in what you have to say and hopefully he will have some questions you can respond to. 

Oh, gosh.  I really resonate with these stories of what went on with bpd sibling when parents were ill, dying (and had died)  -- fighting with health care providers, listening but not hearing, recriminations, and huge drama at a time when I was also vulnerable.  In some ways, I'm glad that we were able to stick together through all of that, but in other ways I'm angry looking back at what I had to deal with. 

I agree with this 100%.  My adult BPD stepdaughter would threaten no contact and storm off continually, not because she needed space or time to figure things out on her own, but merely to punish her parents with her absence whenever she felt aggrieved or didn't get her way.  The more you "beg" her to resume contact, the more you encourage this sort of reaction.

And my opinion is, as your daughter is an adult, she needs to have her own Amazon account.  Take her off your account.  Then you can buy whatever you want without risking triggering her.  Buying anything fun could be triggering to her, because she feels entitled to your disposable income, and she also feels "excluded."  The less she knows about your personal purchases and finances, the better in my opinion.  My other opinion is that she should come off your phone plan and any streaming plans, if she hasn't already.  A personal phone and Netflix are luxuries, not necessities, and my opinion is that she needs to start being responsible for some of her expenses, if she isn't already.

As for blow-ups at vacations, that's very typical.  I think it happens because a pwBPD can't stand to see others' happiness,  when she's so miserable inside.  In addition, attention might temporarily be diverted away from her.  She can't stand not being the center of attention, "competing" with joyful conversations or activities.  She can't stand hearing other people's cheerful updates, as she feels inferior and excluded.  My solution to this problem has generally been to invite my pwBPD to family gatherings, but make attendance strictly optional, as well as provide an opportunity for one-on-one time, which she handles better.  This looks like:  "We're hosting Thanksgiving for the extended family, and dinner will be served at 5 pm.  Of course, if you have other plans, that's OK--we'll have plenty of leftovers.  Please feel free to stop by on Friday or Saturday if you like.  Your siblings and uncles will be visiting from Wednesday evening through Friday morning, if you want to see them."  I know, it sounds pathetic that a pwBPD can't make it through a Thanksgiving dinner with the family, but historically it's worked better to have leftovers just with her, if she decides to visit at all.  Sometimes she expresses an intention to visit, but will be a no-show.  I've just resigned myself to not expecting much from her, not even a courtesy text to say she's not coming.  If she made other plans, great.  If she's in a bad mood and doesn't want to come, fine.  I think it's better if she doesn't visit at all if she's in a bad mood.  I'm not "begging" her to talk with us.

I was an emotional mess when my father was ill. BPD mother's behavior escalated- as one would expect when she was stressed over it too. I also was not emotionally able to deal. I did react at times, and then she reacted too.

I can't even tell you how many times I have cried over this situation with my father and later, with BPD mother, but I want to say- there is nothing wrong with us if we do cry. There's nothing wrong with crying. It's not a sign of weakness, or not being brave, or not being able to handle the situation.

I think expecting us to be the ones in control or able to manage is an unfair expectation. It may be that our family dynamics required this from us- for us to tolerate, excuse the pwBPD's behavior. We may not be used to the idea of reaching out for support when family members were not able to be this for us.

I think it helps to get counseling at times, if needed- from someone who actually can validate our feelings and be supportive.

It's not that much longer to wait. I seems the "ball is in her court" in terms of resuming contact with you when the restriction is lifted. Every relationship involves two people. There isn't a certain way to get a pwBPD or anyone, to be in love or want a relationship with another person. They still make this decision for themselves.