I'm sorry you had to deal with all that when your daughter was in her teens. It sounds so incredibly stressful, and scary that it reached a point where you actually had a heart attack. My understanding is that she is more stable now? I'm curious how that happened. I'm also curious if you have any thoughts on why my husband can't seem to keep it together despite attending individual therapy and DBT.
My daughter was in treatment from early teenage years through her early 20's, and nothing changed because my kid didn't try to change. She used appointments to complain about others and talk through her feelings, without taking any accountability. Maybe these sessions made her feel validated, but they weren't moving her towards getting better because she viewed her problems as external.
Around 23, she had a relationship fall apart largely due to her own mistakes. Long story short, she was best friends with her partner's best friend and eventually professed her love for that person. It did not go well and it ruined her relationship with the partner and the best friend. She spent several weeks in a mental institution and for the first time in her life, she realized that the problems were within. And she hated it so much that she finally started working on how to change that.
Over the next year, she went through DBT with a focus on how it applies to her life. She already knew all this stuff from the previous decade, but always felt like it didn't apply to her and she only needed to say what a therapist wanted to hear. This time though, she wanted actual change because she was tired of having her heart broken. It led to us reconciling and a whole lot changed very quickly...once she was actually ready for it.
At 27, my kid is still sick. However, she has the tools to actively realize when she's in a bad place and she'll reach out for appropriate help. She can also talk out her problems a lot more directly these days, which makes a huge difference all by itself. There are still occasionally terrible days but they're a lot less often and tend to pass much faster without a trip to a facility. She's been hospitalized just once in the past three years and that was voluntary inpatient for a few days.
In the interim of my last post, and without any further communication from me, my husband has already sent further letters basically saying he really wants to see the kids and also that he wants to only communicate through letters (ie doesn't want to see them). He also said he is coming up with a written plan for how to see them more (this is common for him - he creates a grandiose plan for the next few months, writes it out in a chart format, does it for a few days and then forgets about it). Whatever the case, his emotions are clearly all over the place. I did send him a letter yesterday, which I assume he has not seen yet, saying that I think the kids would benefit from spending time with him in a structured visit, explained the parameters, and said he can suggest a day/time/place etc. I know you all said my husband could easily not show up etc., and I agree that is very true, but I think my goal here is not to manage him. It's to respond only when he makes appropriate requests, come up with parameters I am comfortable with, and give him the opportunity to follow through. It is then his choice what to do. In the past, my goal was to try to make the meeting work (or whatever it was we were working on). So this is a shift on my end.
That sounds like a good plan since he is ultimately accountable for the planning and the follow through. I'm not sure if I would tell the kids though until the day of the meeting to temper expectations.
Regarding your suggestion of writing a letters expressing my feelings without blaming him, firstly, I think I would only talk about the relationship if he makes the first move. Meaning, says something appropriate about moving forward in this domain. So far, he has said things about the relationship, but nothing that was appropriate or really deserved a response (I don't mean deserved as in owed to him, I just mean something that makes sense to reply to). I would consider your idea of expressing my feelings, but in the past, he hasn't been very responsive to my feelings or "I statements". I used to use them in the beginning of our marriage, and he wasn't even able to process that someone else had a feeling aside from him. Like if he NEEDS A COUCH NOW, it doesn't really matter how I feel about it, it's an emergency!!!! Like call 911!!! And get the couch NOW!!
If he's in a disordered state, that's not the time to talk about anything serious (especially household purchases) since he's not fully grasping what would be involved. I remember my BPD ex wife used to get nervous/depressed/whatever and say, "We need a beach trip, let's pack up and go to the beach for the week!" And I'd plan a beach trip, regardless if we could afford it or not. That's a really bad strategy for dealing with mental health and it ensured that we stayed in hopeless debt across our entire marriage.
The better goal in those situations would be to let them come to the conclusion that buying a couch today is logistically impossible. Where will we get it? How will we pay for it? How will we get it home? They can't find these answers without calming down and thinking logically. Maybe it brings them out of their manic mindset.
What are my needs in all this...hmmm...I need him to take the initiative to help himself without me rescuing him or being a part of his chaotic cycle. I can support him and accept him as a person struggling with mental illness, but I need him at the foundation to be responsible for himself. I know this is a tall order, and we can't really control someone else. At minimum, though, I can control if I participate in the cycle. At least I think I can?
Those are your needs in terms of your husband's needs. Forget about him for a moment. What do you need? What makes you feel fulfilled and at peace? It could be anything from visiting friends/family to taking a pottery class or taking a daily walk in the park with the kids (or without the kids, this is about you!).
Whether you fully reconcile or divorce, your physical/mental needs should be a priority regardless. The more you find you, the easier it will be to let go of stress, have a healthy outlook, and deal with the problems in your marriage. Your husband's problems will always be there in some capacity, so that can't define what you need because that's a life with zero control.