Thanks so much for the support guys. we are in the uk. from a legal standpoint there is no ongoing court case I dropped the charges. the police said it was clearly me that was the victim, I was worried about that with me being male and a lot older than her.

I sent a closure message and wished her well but made it clear it was over 2 days after the incident. It was not replied to but she was ordered not to contact me and I in hindsight maybe shouldn't have sent that message.

my issue now is that I cant seem to stop worrying about her. I do love and care about her and I know it was because of her condition, I know I shouldn't think this way but I feel addicted and so so sad. I care for her a great deal.

Hi Shameus and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it's always extra heartbreaking when a young child is involved.  Hopefully you find the tools and resources to work through this together.

My ex wife and my oldest daughter both have BPD, and they're both in the healthcare fields helping others with long-term sickness or disabilities. I don't think that's a coincidence that people who struggle mentally want to help others who struggle as well.  In fact, in some ways I think it becomes a core of their identity because it's a healthy outlet to make up for their own struggles.

What parts of the relationship are you currently struggling with the most?  How can we help you prepare for the months ahead?

It might be a good time to review what we call the FOG of BPD... Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Guilt is hitting you hard right now.  What I shoulda, coulda...  What's done is done.  It's in the past, can't be changed, the key is what you are determined you will do - or not do - going forward.

Do you owe her an apology?  Is one deserved, considering how you yourself were attacked first?  Since you are to have no contact with her and the relationship appears ended, contacting her to offer an apology or remorse doesn't seem possible or even unwise.  After all, the court instructed her not to contact you and in order for her not to violate the court's instructions then you likewise mustn't contact her... even if you feel you need to "clear the air" or seek closure.  (When dealing with BPD relationships, closure is generally not possible.  Likely you will have to Gift yourself the Closure you seek.)

Ponder this:  This is more about how you view yourself.  You now know what it takes to drive you to react and defend yourself.  Just avoid any future scenarios where that can be allowed to occur again.

Now a legal aspect.  My lawyer told me his first task when hired after a domestic dispute was to SIT on his client.  Why?  (1) You have no obligation to confess anything, that's your 5th Amendment right not to incriminate yourself.  (2) Anything you say might make your lawyer's efforts to help you be much harder to accomplish - and trigger even bigger lawyer bills.

So if you feel that you must apologize, what can you say?  How about limiting any apologies to how you hurt her feelings.  Last I heard, courts in most countries won't find you guilty of hurting feelings.

We are coming up on our 5th wedding anniversary and we share a 3 year old son.  She is a License Marriage and Family Therapist, which makes things much more difficult.  We worked together at a residential therapy center for mostly borderline personality disorder teenagers.  It has only recently been made clear to me after talking to my psychiatrist who has a strong background in BDP that my wife has it.  At this moment she is in a DBT group as well as DBT solo treatment, but hasn’t told me what her diagnosis is.  I am afraid to ask as well as not believe she will tell the truth.  A few months ago she had a breakdown and was sent to the Emergency Department then an inpatient facility and was shortly released as not longer a danger to her self.  She said she looked up a way to kill herself which was detailed.  Her family was helpful in taking her to the emergency room, but she was not truthful to the staff and I had to step in to speak with the medical staff.  This incident has been a catalyst that this isn’t a PMDD, ADHD, Interstitial Cystitis, Diet and the list goes on.  I am a person with low self esteem, learning disability and I guess recently realizing growing up role of peacemaker.  She is primary income and I am the primary care giver who for the past few months was able to find work that allowed me to still take care of our son.  This still comes with heavy ridicule from my wife, because I have new self worth and higher self esteem.  I deal with a lot of changing of goal posts and being trapped to take care of our son, because she makes up an excuse not to.  I do worry that she will lash out on our son if I were not there.  I have recently held a boundary and when she became verbally abusive and not respecting my boundary, I took a 30 minute walk, because she blocked the driveway physically for me to leave with my car.  This is the first time I did this and it felt good.  I was scared that it would escalate more or that she might harm our son.  When I came back she was calm, but blamed it on her taking adderall, which one she is supposed to tell me and second I am not sure I believe her that she did.  Our son was safe and being taken care of.  That night I was exhausted, but had one of the most sound sleeps that I hadn’t had in a long time.  I meet with my therapist tomorrow and how to further deal with her disease, but I am afraid it might not be able to be sustained and I am heart broken because I would of liked to have had more children.  Being a dad has been one of those moments when I knew I was great at something.  I am having a difficult time as I read that a lot of you are.  All the best.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and I'll say a prayer for your family.  That sort of news is so hard to process.

Have you reached out to your dad at all yet?  Family drama aside, if you want to do that then you should absolutely do it.  Times like this have a way of showing family what really matters in life, and it's rarely keeping decade-old disputes alive.  No matter who said what or who's mad at who, this is a time to forgive, let go, and come together for dad's sake.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and it sounds like an incredibly scary night. 

I had a similar incident in my marriage after being hit and attacked too many times to count.  I'd say, "If you keep hitting me, eventually I'm going to hit you back."  It was never my intention but when it happens over and over again in fits of hysteria, eventually something's going to give.  One evening she attacked me and was punching and clawing at my face in a frenzy.  Without even thinking, I slapped her back and it knocked her down.  It ate at me for a very long time.  She never hit me again though and I was thankful that the violence was over.  Not too many years after that, she'd start getting into fights with our teenage BPD daughter...they'd explode and attack each other.

With my BPD ex and I, the police were never called.  This was almost 20 years ago and I'm still ashamed of slapping her to this day.  It never should have happened and I hate that I had that moment of weakness, but through time I also see it in a different lens today.  What was supposed to happen?  That she attacked me every time we disagreed, my face gets scratched up, the house gets wrecked from her tantrums and we just did that for the rest of our lives? 

I couldn't see then what I see now; I was in an abusive, unhealthy relationship.  Nobody is meant to take abuse like that and there's a decent chance that it would have continued to escalate.  Just earlier that week, she had thrown a coffee cup and a fork at my head in rapid succession...she just barely missed as I dodged them.  Why?  Because I was washing the dishes and it angered her because she said earlier that she'd wash the dishes.

I hate talking about any of this.  I hate violence and I hate even having these memories.  I hate that I finally slapped her back.  But at the same time, if it helps someone else see that this sort of things is real and it's completely toxic, then I'd rather talk it out. 

Looking back, what I did wrong wasn't slapping someone that was attacking me for the 20th time (or however many times, it happened multiple times weekly).  It was being in that relationship in the first place and allowing the violence to be a daily possibility.  I deserved better than that, our kids deserved better than that, and you can't just keep abusing someone indefinitely without something else happening.  Eventually, it is going to escalate past the point of no return.

I also wonder with my BPD daughter, did she learn to attack others whenever she became upset because she saw mom do it at an early age?  I don't know.  That stuff just doesn't belong in a home in any way, shape, or form though.  It's a cancer and it spreads everywhere.  Violence of any kind is not okay and it is a clear sign that everyone involved needs to take time away from the relationship to recenter and reset.

My ex didn't apologize either.  Why should she, after all, it's all my fault, in her perceptions.  (Although she would demand repeated apologies from me.)  To my knowledge she's never sought therapy.  Now that our child is grown and custody issues are past, the conflict and triggers are greatly reduced.  But I still have to be careful or else I trigger overreactions.


Not much, not without therapeutic guidance.

I've read comments here expounding on the benefit of avoiding "you" or "I".  A passive, non-specific approach is best, sometimes "we" can work.  I don't know whether "we could try a few sessions with a counselor" might work, but if the opportunity arises...

Indeed, I think that "chasing" after him basically serves to validate the notion that you feel guilty, that you "deserve" to be "punished" by his estrangement.  I my opinion it only encourages a continuation of the behavior.  "Begging" him for contact and apologizing for things you didn't do only serves to perpetuate the status quo.

However, I think you ought to reach out on key dates, such as birthdays and major holidays, with a short message like, Happy holiday, hope you are well.  That way, you acknowledge the holiday with respect, and he's "included," but you don't burden the message with emotional content or expectation.  If you wrote something like, "I'd like to see you, it's been ages," I think that's tinged with a guilt trip as well as setting him up to fail (because he doesn't want to see you).  But if you send a short message every few weeks or months, then he can't accuse you of not ever reaching out, while you open the door a crack.  How does that sound?

Hi BpdUDS,

Iam 5 years estranged from my udd and in the early days it was very difficult especially as I have 3 grandchildren.

Im here to tell you that things will get easier. Please look after your self during this time and allow your healing to begin.

Hi,

Thank you for your response. Right now I do feel I am finally in a good place after many years of therapy. He has cut contact completely and I finally just let it happen. I am not fighting it or chasing him anymore. I accepted it. But I did not say -- well, when you are ready we can talk, or the door is always open, which is normally how I respond. I said, fine, that's your choice & goodbye. I'm not sure now if I should be more actively keeping that door open. He is very avoidant and I think if we don't reach out, he will likely never take the first step, at least not anytime soon. He has a history where he doesn't apologize or take any accountability even with damaging behaviours. He just disappears and comes back like nothing happened, behaviour I enabled for many years because I felt so desperate for any contact.

I feel messaging him now to keep the door open is part of the past ways, I'm fixing things. But man it is hard to walk into a potentially long estrangement.