It's normal.  Being treated unfairly by a pwBPD leaves a lot of feelings on the table, so to speak.  You never really get closure, and if you try to, i.e. if you reach out, all you'll get is more spin, more excuses, more blame shifting, and end up even more frustrated.

And in these relationships, there's no way to "win"... the only alternatives you have are to stay & suffer in their world, live in their warped reality, or to get out and move on.  So there's maybe some bitterness there, and some desire to "correct" this unfairness, but really you can't.  You can maybe just be a witness to their behavior, and in the event you get a chance to confide in someone else how they really are, take that opportunity.  That's about as close as you can get to revenge here (aside from physical violence, which I am not advocating!  )

Consider it a learning experience and know you're not alone here. 

I had some of your same concerns with respect to my STBXW trying to alienate the kids and how they would behave. 

One thing you can do is - after you file for divorce - get therapy recommended for your kids, and have the therapist written into the temporary orders, and eventually the final decree.  You don't want your BPDex to be able to manipulate the situation by "forum shopping" for a therapist they can control - and there are unethical therapists out there.  Have someone vet trustworthy therapists and pick on them, or let your STBX pick from a list.  Also,  have the therapist select a successor in the event they retire! 

Other than that, you can be sure a BPDx is going to behave as you would expect during divorce and afterward: they are going to be petty, spiteful, dishonest, and vindictive, and do not hesitate to try to drag the kids into it.  But this is no reason to stay in a bad marriage, and knowing this ahead of time gives you an opportunity to prepare.

The advice I received that helped the most was not to panic, not to engage with the BPDx, and don't sink to their level.  The kids will watch, and they understand more than you give them credit for.  when you demonstrate you're there for them, and their view of reality aligns more with yours than the BPD parent, they'll figure out who they can trust.  It's a long process though, and it's not without speed bumps.

I am so sorry for your pain and glad for your clarity. I know this will be a process. In the hard times, remember that you deserve joy and tranquility and it will return.

Finally, after years and years of people telling me to do this, yesterday, I finally got what putting yourself first looks like -- not obsessing over how the upbpd is going to react to or feel about what I do/say, but thinking about what I want.  And understanding that I have every right to do so.  It sounds so trite but what an amazing feeling. 

And still I see today that I have to keep reminding myself of this.  Which I will.

No worries!

Hi everyone,

First of all I would like to apologise because english is not my fists language so be tolerant with the 1000 mistake I will make

Thank you for the kind words  . Tonight I discovered he’s having an affair. I don’t know how to describe how this makes me feel. Relief? …that it all makes sense now.  …the People closest to me always said he was projecting onto me and I always defended the idea that it was a mental health issue and not actual infidelity. The vail has been lifted. No more wondering what I did to deserve this . I thank God for Thank you for the kind words  . Tonight I discovered he’s having and affair. I don’t know how to describe how this makes me feel. Relief? …that it all makes sense now.  …the People closest to me always said he was projecting onto me and I always defended the idea that it was a mental health issue and not actual infidelity. The vail has been lifted. No more wondering what I did to deserve this . I thank God for my kids and I’m honored to be entrusted with another bundle of joy. I was scared to file for divorce because the process is …traumatic  but I need to close this chapter of my life and get us on a parenting plan . kids and I’m honored to be entrusted with another bundle of joy. I was scared to file for divorce because the process is …traumatic  but I need to close this chapter of my life and get us on a parenting plan .

My relationship is very limited with my elderly mother.  I can't trust her.  I have to limit everything that I say to her, because she will twist it and then spread untrue gossip to other people.  I have forgiven her for the abusive way that she raised me.  I am thankful for a support group.  When people initially meet her, they think that she is nice.  They just don't know her well enough.  She has struggled with all of her friendships, co-workers, relatives.  I used to think that she was just cruel.  I think that she doesn't even realize how she treats other people.  I pray for her.  I know that she didn't choose to be this way.  It's just sad for everyone involved.  For my own sanity, I maintain as little contact as possible.

I agree with Zachira's take, keep it short and sweet if you can.  The pwBPD and BPD traits in my life will listen to maybe 10 words, tops, in any instances of conflict.

Options might be:

*I'm not getting in the middle.
*I'm not talking about this behind her back.
*That's between you and her.
*It's really none of my business.
*I'm sure you can work this out yourselves.

Think about how effective advertisers are when they use a slogan. People remember easily short sentences that they hear over and over again. With your sibling, trying to explain how you feel at any length will only give her the supply she is looking for, making you upset so she does not have to deal with her overwhelming feelings. So you can say something like: I am done talking to you for now.