From a child's point of view, I think this is a valid concern- what will the kids' think? But if she was concerned about what the kids will think, she wouldn't consider it. Also, the concept of infidelity may not be relevant to the kids at their age. It's an adult situation and beyond a child's comprehension. Kids might learn a rated G version of the 10 Commandments but a simplified form. What their mother does with another partner- they aren't going to see it or hopefully not be told about it.
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I do think kids are more sensitive to this than we give them credit for. And they do not like at all to see one parent with another adult like that. I think it's more instinctive on their part, even if they don't understand a thing about what an affair entails.
And I think, being that pwBPD need to perpetually be the victim & are constantly playing games to drag in "allies" against their supposed perpetrator, in this case she'd be extra sensitive to the fact that this dynamic is going to flip against her dramatically if/when the kids find out that mom is seeing someone else. Hence her insistence that he agree to her having an affair, to make him into an "accomplice" here, rather than the victim.
And from my experience, a pwBPD would likely go even further than that, if confronted by the kids, pinning their whole affair on the other spouse for giving permission - even if they took the permission further than it was okay to go - and continuing to "rewrite the narrative" over time as much as they can get away with, to put all the blame on the non-, in order to preserve their standing with the kids.
One option is to say to her "I understand you want an open marriage and I don't. I wish that you didn't want to date other people but I also can't control your decisions. On my part, I will remain monogomous. I've said all I can about this topic and don't wish to discuss it further".
Then you walk away from this, the decision is up to her now. Don't say what you would do if she did have an affair. She knows how you feel. Let her think things over.
I do agree with you here. I think Max needs to nip this in the bud; the more she keeps the conversation going, the more likely words will get misconstrued, or she'll succeed in trying to wear him down, and getting some sort of permission.Then you walk away from this, the decision is up to her now. Don't say what you would do if she did have an affair. She knows how you feel. Let her think things over.
Like I said before, I think this is unusual in that it's such a "dealbreaker" kind of thing for a monogamous relationship, to see a pwBPD push for the right to have an affair, as their next thing to fill the bottomless pit. It's almost like she's trying to push for such an extreme right that it will justify just about anything else she wants to do.
I know there are lots of examples of the BPD spouse cheating on these boards, but I don't recall ever reading an account of them asking permission first.


