For me, I had to continually remind myself that my BPD ex was sick and even the thought of contacting me brought her a ton of disordered thinking.

Think of it this way.  Let's say you're allergic to cats.  But every time you go to see your ex, everything is covered in cat hair.  You know you're going to sneeze, to cough, to have allergic reactions.  It's horrible.  But you have to go there to get your kids...and the kids will also be covered in cat hair since your ex is literally the "crazy cat lady".

That's sort of how it is for BPDs.  They realize deep down that they did you wrong, it brings them lots of anxiety, so they do things trying to control the situation.

Your ex is very sick.  Have compassion for her and help her whenever you can.  That changes the dynamics entirely.  I'm not saying to go out of your way for her like when you were married...I'm just talking in passing when you're in front of her for kid handoffs or whatever.

It's funny and rather cynicism inducing, how predictable it all is.

One pwBPD (mother) used to accuse me from early childhood onwards of things like putting her in a nursing home, or causing her death - things I self-evidently could not have done. Another (uBPDx) would spiral into a self-pitying lament about how one day I would tell the story of him as just another bad partner - true, but this hadn't happened yet, and only happened as a consequence of his own actions!

Whether they enjoy it in some way - I think in both the above cases there was some relishing of imagined suffering. Whether it's a way to extract certain reactions or feelings from you - pity, guilt, reassurance.  It is, in the end, delusional and ridiculous.

thanks. After surviving for 3 years the finalization came as more of a relief than i expected and I am sometimes genuinely sad. Sad for the fantasy of the relationship that never actually was (but always just about to turn around), sad for missing the charming vivacious upside the ex possessed, thought it dwindled and dwindled and sad for the guy who tolerated so much more than anyone ever should for far longer than I like to admit to myself. I have flashes of exhilaration and optimism and increasing comfort with the dad I am and I think the hardest part about those messages is sometimes they pull me back from that into anger, self doubt and diminished self esteem. I kept a journal and had the sense to date the entries. I flip back and i can see that i am in such better shape than I was. Funny, I planned to write one sentence of thanks and an affirmation that I am sad and I'll think about connecting those things - the sadness and the anger.

You are human and it is normal to feel anger and or/avoidant sometimes about how your soon to be ex wife treats you. With time and practice, you will be less impacted by what she does, yet occasionally you will just get angry, and this happens at times to all of us who have to interact with a disordered ex because there are minor children involved. It can help to remember that underneath the anger can be sadness and getting in touch with the sadness can often soften and soothe the anger.

It's been almost 3 years and I am 99% divorced.  Final orders pending. I kept a restraining order against my (I forget the acronyms) undiagnosed bpd ex (UBPDX? - that doesn't look right).  She can only message me. I can see there will always be issues. She is constantly complaining, resurrecting grievances, attempting scheduling changes at the last minute, hitting me up for money beyond what she's entitled to receive (by AGREEMENT mind you) but I'm not writing about dealing with any of THAT today. Today, only this: I've come a long ways finding and enforcing boundaries, "letting go of the rope" (see earlier threads) but I am not always able to get the toxic emails just roll off me. Sometimes I just think 'well yeah that's on brand' when i read them. But sometimes I know there's a long accusatory message waiting for me and I spend time avoiding OFW. Or i read the toxic email and it actually gets to me, like all those things used to. I try to observe and not absorb. I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to better manage mindset around these things. Perhaps it just takes time. Oh - sometimes I just get angry. She'll message on a Thursday unilaterally changing the schedule for Friday and I let her know I'm upset about that, but all that ever gets is more silliness and more messages. Completely unproductive.  [Not looking for advice on the schedule disruption, we have a statute here i can use for that and I'm just waiting until the final orders are signed].

Sorry - one more question

Would it be usual for DD to be in touch with another person either regularly or in these circumstances?

I forgot to mention that this may be the time to start keeping records of any texts or email messages between you and your husband, especially if things are going badly.
If you read other threads you'll see that when it comes to actual seperations, the BPD can 'play dirty' when they get desperate - making false statements and accusations, etc.

Usually it's the non-BPD male partner who suffers from the female BPD making false  accusations as authorities are always more likely to blame the man for any incidents but the reverse can apply too.

Hopefully things will go relatively smoothly without major drama but alway remember you're dealing with someone who has no rules to follow so protect yourself at all times anf try and keep proof what was said and done.

Hi NTWMaver
It sure is a difficult and anxious time for you. One thing strikes me - you say 'again' and it has prompted a few questions in my mind.

How often has this happened and how long has your DD remained apart? How did it resolve?

I wondering about patterns. When I became aware of my DD's pattern it was very helpful.

Hope you don't mind the questions.

I was out of town for several weeks. A woman who walks in the same park as I do on a regular basis had been talking to me about her problems. I listened and tried to be nice. When I returned from vacation, I saw her two times and was unavailable to talk with her as I was busy catching up with someone else, so I just said hello. The third time I ran into her, I was walking with another person, introduced her to this person. She got mad, said "I thought I was number one with you." then proceeded to start to tell me some gossip. She never acknowledged the person I introduced her to. I walked away with the other person.

I now know I am in for it. She had previously shared with me for several months how angry she was with this married man who tried to go out with her. I now feel she is likely borderline, and mistakes relationships for being much closer than they actually are. I am sure to be targeted for a smear campaign.

I take responsibility for having extremely poor boundaries with her. I listened to her telling me things like she had been sexually molested as a child. I listened to her gossip about this married man who is extremely angry with her, who no longer speaks to me.

All of this is a reenactment of my listening to my mother with BPD for hours on end, telling me all kinds of inappropriate things in which the conversation was one long one sided rant. Time to get back to working on my boundaries while weathering the discomfort of regularly running into her on my daily walk in the park.

Pete, I feel I have to interject here, because you've touched on one of my all-time most despised pet peeves:  being accused of something I haven't even done (yet).  The pwBPD traits in my life went through a phase of accusing me of futuristic events:  You're going to ruin this, you're going to anger me, you're just going to b* anyway so I'm not doing the favor you asked me, etc.  It occurred so often that I found myself repeating:  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  (Exit stage left).  It's like they assume the worst for every scenario imaginable and enjoy getting riled up over fantasy.  You're absolutely right, it's part of the victim narrative that they are creating.  There's some delusional thinking too.