Pook, your emphasis on the reality of the here and now is always very grounding. Thank you.

I also appreciate your focus on not just evaluating a relationship once then setting things in stone, but re-evaluating as more things happen and new information comes to like. My former partner was incredibly sweet, conscientious and loving, until he wasn't. Rather than clinging to the memory of the past, it's really helpful to ask myself, 'What do you know *now*? You know this person is capable of acting as a cruel, manipulative liar. Where do you want to be in relation to that?'

The answer is far, far away.

My husband has been in pain for a while,  since our second child was born 3.5 years ago. Our relationship has suffered. He feels like I don’t care about him and he is unable to get things done. He feels like his life is being wasted and I don’t care about him enough to notice and help. I am not sure how I can help him. I have been trying to help by setting time aside to just focus on him, which is hard with kids. And he frequently just pushes me away then, fights and so on. When he is upset he starts berating me on chat. I feel like I must respond or else he will feel abandoned and he is derailing a bunch of my job commitments this way. He frequently says he wants a divorce. I am not sure if he has BPD but it feels like a fit. He has an adhd diagnosis and when he takes his meds he is better but still not great. My confidence is being destroyed and my parenting is suffering. He is good with the kids, spends an hour in the evening with them reading books. But I do everything else: getting them to school, doctors appointments, groceries, cooking, laundry, soccer, gymnastics. It really feel like he is in pain but he gets so angry that I don’t give the attention and help he expects and feels unloved and then justified to be quite cruel to me. I don’t know what to do. Any boundaries I have tried to set he has annihilated. Maybe I am doing it wrong. I feel like I am out of ideas.

DBT is a good thing.  Too often a person with Borderline traits has too much Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting to start therapy sessions.  It is even harder for them to continue them.  And it is important that they do more than attend, diligently applying the skills and insights into their lives, thinking and perceptions is crucial.  It take time to see progress.  Therapy often takes years, for many it is a life-long journey.

If you would have asked first, we would have replied that it is generally not helpful to share a diagnostic label as a reason for therapy.  As you discovered, it often triggers overreactions.  But what's done is done.  Perhaps you could minimize what got said but I don't know if that would help or not.

I had been married for over 15 years but if my ex would have started therapy, I would have been willing to start therapy with her too, though it would have had to have been individual and not joint therapy.  But she refused the concept of therapy, as far as I know, to this day.

Thank you both for sharing and your insight.  Yesterday it actually came to a head.  Because I was holding boundaries and avoiding getting into arguments that aren’t meant to be arguments in my opinion. I shared with her that I was proud with her doing DBT and know it is hard, because I know what the diagnosis' it treats, which lead to her asking what I thought she had and I said BPD and who I have talked to about it and shared I had with my sisters and mother.  She felt betrayed and her “reputation tarnished,” because of how stigmatizing the diagnosis is.  We had an impromptu talk this morning which I kept calm and she kept civil, but could see the shifts of anger, guilt, sadness, placing blame somewhere else.  I reaffirmed that she has been making progress and I myself am still working on myself to build up my self esteem and not to be afraid of her and walk on eggshells.  She does go into the black and white thinking that the relationship with my family is broken and can’t be fixed with my family so our relationship is over.  I did persist to her chagrin that things can be fixed and that why cant we just look at this in the gray as a hard time in our marriage.  I have put in hope with her actually seeking the treatment she needs.  I do feel that I can’t trust her at this time and have made some preparations for the worst.  I also know it will get worse before it gets better with me holding boundaries and not feeding into her unhealthy behavior.  For anyone out there did they see any positives with a spouse going to DBT?

While you can't fix her fears, worries, feelings or whatever that triggered her pulling away, there is much you can do to work on YOU.

Have you pondered your reaction, which started even in those first days of the relationship pause?  Grieving a loss is topic found on our Tools and Skills workshops board which describes known reactions such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, eventual acceptance.

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

As soon as she pulled back you became anxious and fretted over the sudden silence.  Could it be that you also have some co-dependence issues?  We are remote and anonymous peer support.  (And over the years our experience and insight has been invaluable!)  Perhaps you could start some sessions with a local therapist or counselor who is experienced in these sort of relationship issues?  Considering that she has trust or insecurity issues with therapy and the relationship is currently on hiatus, this is an excellent time for you to seek local and in-person support.

Many here, probably most here, never learned of a diagnosis.  A diagnosis might be helpful but we have to arrive at our own conclusions, more or less.

Many here went through separations and divorce and a surprising discovery was that those agencies involved had little interest in determining what the mental health issues were that caused the failure of the relationship.  (In fact, my family court studiously avoided the issues of any mental health issues.  It assumed every couple before the magistrate were just bickering or whatever.)

Apparently court and the associated agencies don't try to "fix" either spouse.  (The old story, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.)  They follow their laws, case law, policies and procedures.  More or less, the documentation and evidence.  What we've done is follow the court's pattern... We document and gather the evidence necessary to be the best persons and parents we can be.

Considering your spouse's dysfunctional perceptions and mindset, you should be relieved your spouse is letting you - as the reasonably normal parent - take the lead in parenting.  The reality is you can't force or coerce a person to be a good parent.  She may have a comfort zone for how much she is able to parent.  After all, you have concerns about her parenting already within just a few years.  Probably it's best you work with that insight.

Exactly. How warped it is that we can't be nice to someone and have to do what we need to to protect ourselves.

I realized this with my neighbor, sibling and a few family members. They have an outsized sense of entitlement and act like it's their right to dominate you by any means necessary. You're right -- being cooperative and kind makes you look weak and pliable -- ripe for the picking, especially since no one is looking.

My neighbor pulled a trick which made it difficult to take my trash to the curb. Instead of writing or talking to them, I reported it. You could say that my refusal to talk is spurring retaliation. But the negging was worse when I was a nice neighbor. There were outlandish demands, verbal abuse and ridicule. I could see she enjoyed acting like this. You can't trust someone like this.

And like you said, zachira, I just can't stand her anymore. Silence is golden.

Helle Everyone and, yes CC43, you are right. Thank you. That made me tear up. I don't think anyone has ever been so accurate about her. I often feel lost because I hold out hope for her. There's a small child inside that wants her to be the mom she never was, and every day she lets me down. It breaks my heart, and I often can't seem to move past it. Most days are better than others. Being here is helping. It's giving me different perspectives. I used to let her make me feel bad about seeing friends, but I would still go - tears in my eyes. Today, I ignore her, or tell her to stop. I did book another vacation, but I'll prepare better for the care of the outside animals now that I know how she is going to be. I really appreciate all of you. Oh! My user name, Einstein, is the name of my service dog. He is an American Staffordshire Terrier, and he is 97 pounds of lazy. 12 years old. I've had him since he was 12 weeks old. He's the best dog. Very smart, hence his name. Thank you.