Hi @LadieBug and welcome to the BPD family !

So he is upset with your mom just because she won't sign the house over to you? You said that would mean transferring it to both of you? But you aren't married yet, are you? Did he pay her for the house, or is it a donation, as in an anticipated inheritance?

I'm asking because I am suspicious about his motives.

Anyway, I think the house must remain in your mother's name, for your safety. Signing off the papers would only make things worse, and your mother seems to be wise enough to see it.

Hi @Rowdy ,

So she wouldn't take out her frustrations of work on her business partner, and instead took it out on you, right?

Here is some scientific evidence on that mechanism:

• In a 3-week intensive repeated-measures study, most reported aggressive behaviors were aimed at a romantic partner or ex-partner (about 48%) or other close ties like family/friends/roommates (about 39%). That means that when people with BPD report aggressive urges or acts in daily life, the targets skew heavily toward close relationships.
• A study on aggression found out that, due to insecure adult attachment (anxiety/avoidance), the attachment activation drives hostility in individuals with BPD, making them more likely to show aggression.
• A study on social-domain dysfunction (domain disorganization) concluded that regulation can look intact in one life domain (like work) but chaotic in another (like home).
• EMA/experience sampling studies found out that there is stress spillover. That means effective instability and stress in people with BPD fluctuate in real time. That makes it plausible that stress from one area (e.g., work) carries over into behavior in other contexts.

I was researching if any study points out a purposeful redirection of anger and blame to their intimate partner, only because it is safer. I didn't find that direct evidence. But it seems to occur automatically anyway. And it is comparable to what abused children do:

In abused children, blaming the non-abusive parent is usually explained by defensive attribution and attachment preservation: the child depends on both parents, but psychologically cannot afford to see the abuser as dangerous or hateful, so anger and blame are displaced onto the “safer” caregiver who is available, emotionally salient, and less likely to retaliate. This is often framed as displaced aggression, betrayal trauma logic, or identification with the aggressor, rather than personality pathology.

In BPD, the blaming of the intimate partner arises from chronic emotion dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, and unstable self–other representations, so stress is rapidly externalized and attributed to the closest attachment figure even when the trigger is elsewhere. The overlap is the same retargeting logic—affect seeks a safe container—but the difference is developmental timing and persistence. In children it is typically a state-dependent survival strategy under coercive conditions; in BPD it becomes a stable interpersonal pattern that reappears across contexts and over time.

Borderline, whether diagnosed or not, is evident as an emotional dysregulation.  One of the most noticeable patterns with BPD traits is that it impacts most those in the closest relationships.   Yes, spouses are often targets of their angst and dysfunction.  Other people on the periphery or with brief contact may notice something "off" but are not nearly so impacted.

One hurdle to overcome is that spouses or people with BPD traits (pwBPD) often can't or won't listen to those closest to them.  The baggage of the past relationship is too intense oftentimes for them to truly listen or even consistently listen to those closest to them.  The disorder is driven by inconsistent and easily triggered emotions and moods.

Here we have an assortment of boards that contain the collective wisdom and experience of past and current members.  Soak up the tools, skills and strategies here that are time tested and proven helpful even if not complete solutions.  They do build for a better, "less distressed" future.  One helpful board is our Tools and Skills Workshops board with many topics.

Also, the children are impacted as well since they too are core components of the family unit.  Even if they're not targeted consistently, they see and sense the dysfunctional behavior.  A concern is that the children may not realize how abnormal the discord is since they've known nothing else.  While we encourage you to continue with counseling for yourself to deal with your own distress, don't forget that the children would benefit from counseling too.  My own son started "play therapy" at a local children's counseling agency when he was 3 years old.

Hi all, just wanted to reach out as I feel I can no longer cope with my adult daughter(23) who has BPD.  My mental health has suffered massively over the years because of the constant worries I have had. I can't relax in her company as I feel as though I constantly walk on eggshells to try and avoid triggering her anger at me.  I honestly feel as though I am in an emtionally abusive relationship and it's killing me.  Trying to get the right help for her has been and continuea to be a nightmare. I have been try to ser clear boundaries and have not been able to run errands for her lately due to my poor mental health. Tgis has resulted in her emotionally blackmailing me and telling me to f@@@ off in a message. She will not apologise for this and is now ignoring me. I just do not know where to go from here. Any advice would be appreciated. Please be kind. Thank you

I think this is one of the most frightening aspects of BPD - the instantaneous switch. In most conflicts, there's a lead-up to it but when you're painted 100% black in a microsecond, like a computer changing programs, it's massively stressful.

This is what made me stop pursuing my exBPD for good; not just the mood swings themelves, but the fact they happened in the blink of an eye. I actually became scared at the end that someone could be like this.

Oh is this a common thing?

Whenever the kids did something wrong, my wife’s first reaction would be to shout my name at the top of her voice.
Whenever the dogs did something wrong her first reaction would be to shout my name at the top of her voice.

I would then start telling the kids off for doing whatever it was they were doing wrong, then get told off by her for telling the kids off. Crazy.

She’s got a salon, a business she started with her friend, so has got a business partner. She would do a 12hr day once a week and every couple of weeks that day would start with a melt down before she went to work because she would get dysregulated about the fact she would have a hard day. Her business partner doesn’t really pull her weight (my wife being a control freak makes that difficult anyway) so the amount of times I would try and deflect my wife having a go at me about her work that I had no control over, I would tell her that I would speak to her business partner about stepping up so my wife felt less pressure. She would then tell me not to as it would just make things worse.

After the discard and we were discussing the many reasons why we had split up (gaslighting, from her coming home once and I was watching tv, to me being from the posh end of the village even though the house I grew up in is worth about half what the house she grew up in is worth, to me correcting her spelling) she came out with the fact I never spoke to her business partner about pulling her weight. I said to her that I said on many occasions I would speak to her about it and she had told me not to because it would make things worse and she just said yeh I know.

There is no logic and you can’t win with them smh

hi. i'm engaged to a man with bpd. he can be a very thoughtful, loving supportive man, but there's the other person who lives inside of him. i have no intention of giving up on our relationship. I worked as a peer support counselor for 3 yrs and have received some basic education about bpd. i am trying to be as supportive of him in every way i can, but  one of the major concerns i have is that i also have a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder coupled with a serious ptsd  diagnosis, (my partner also has some major ptsd issues). i guess what i need is suggestions on how to keep myself safe both physically and mentally during one of his tantrums. things have gotten physical in the past a few times. also, what can you say to them when i'm sorry seems to be the only phrase i can think of as he is informing me of his every, well you know the drill. we've been together for 14yrs. i have just recently got him starting to take his meds again. a few years ago i had him med compliant for nearly 6mo and things improved during that time period. also any suggestions on dealing with the "i love you(them) t hate you(them)" situation. right now we are living in a house my mom owns, but she does not charge us rent. he is constantly going off because she won't sign the house over to me(us) right now. having him say such nasty things about my mom is almost more than i can bear. she does so much for us. i just can't ;eave him talk about her like that, and tell me that i can't have her come visit. (i've had to tell her before that she shouldn't come over that day and it really upset her. she's done so much for us, and his own mother just started talking to him again)

I can relate. My wife was out of town for 2 days and came home in a good mood. Told me how happy she is with our current relationship.  She left to go pickup her teenage son from a track meet.

When she got back she immediately started coming at me about how I did not spend time with him while she was gone. She said I am not being a caring and supportive stepdad. If I can not care for her kids then she can not care for me.

I come to find out that my stepson got very upset on the car ride home. She could not handle it and decided to take it all out on me upon her return.

Then when I would not apologize for not caring about him she stormed off to bed saying she needs someone that will be there for her.  They are like a light switch and can flip on/off instantly

A bit more context:

Two years ago she went to her mother's place under the same circumstances. Though back then I didn't want a separation. She was supposed to come back after the weekend, but she didn't return and then entered a downward spiral. Two months later, she was suicidal and had an extreme level of anxiety never seen before. She wouldn't get out of her room and wouldn't allow me to see her, so I had to use sleep masks to get closer. Her parents had put her on a psychiatrist, who prescribed an SSRI antidepressant, and a family psychologist. I knew it would not work, though, because the reason for that was the food.

She has an issue with gluten that affects her mood, so we don't have gluten-containing foods. It's a severe non-celiac gluten sensitivity, which shows up from symptoms but hardly shows up in blood exams. Unfortunately, her food compulsions and her "I don't like to be controlled" type of attitude didn't allow her to accept this fact, so every time she was mad and got some money, she would consume gluten again. And she would tell her family that she didn't have any problem. So there they did not stop cooking with gluten-containing ingredients and buying bread.

It was tough to bring her back because her specific phobia (this is an anxiety disorder) had worsened to an extreme level. So she thought her condition would make it impossible for me to have her here. Because of that, she went back and forth a couple of times. But I finally reassured her enough and brought her back for good. I used a sleep mask for almost one month, including during my sleep. I was cooking for her and treating her as a disabled person. Then I rented a wheelchair, a few months later bought an electric scooter, and today she walks on crutches. This is all because of a traumatic experience she had with sexual assault many months before meeting me, but her extreme anxiety made her specific phobia way worse. Last year, EMDR helped a bit, but it was not intensive because she was pregnant, so now it should be more intensive and therefore more helpful for her.

Over the last few weeks, she consumed filled cookies twice and got a severe headache, and the last time also reported an intense desire to kill herself the next day after eating the cookies. I'm hoping that she will finally accept her food sensitivity, so before she leaves I'll do another final test with a plate of regular macaroni. But this time I'll videotape it, because she forgot about the last test that we did almost two years ago. I need her to be fully aware of it for her own safety.

So the plan is for her to leave while being invited to come back sometimes for a couple of days in case she has conflict with her mother. I'm guessing her mother will get super attached to having her grandchildren nearby, so she will make her best effort to avoid my wife getting frustrated and leaving.

Over one year ago, as things became unbearable for me for the first time, I asked my wife to leave our home. Over time, I have asked it again many other times, unsuccessfully. But now it's working.

My mistake was that I only expressed myself during moments of conflict or shortly after but didn't say it anymore after our "repair moments." So she didn't take me seriously. But now I decided I would not allow us to do any reattachment until this conversation was final. And it worked. After many attempts, I got her to position herself. So we have made an agreement. She said that she will leave in two weeks.

The key moment of our conversation was when I reasoned with her about the expenses. Her main argument was to call me selfish. She said I wanted all of the comfort for myself, while she would have to move into a much smaller apartment with her mother. She says she doesn't trust her sister, and her mother is controlling, and she doesn't want to get the "My house, my rules" type of response from her mom. Also, she pointed out that her mother had very limited financial resources, while my wife isn't working and would take two kids to that place.

I said that we only have two options. Either she leaves or I leave. But it only makes sense for me to leave if she gets the money to pay for the rent plus monthly bills. We live in a graceful condominium that is very much like a club on a farm, and kids love it. Also, I pay way less than market price for this rent because I made a good deal. So I don't want to move elsewhere, unless she stays here with the kids, but then she would have to pay for the rent and the 6-month deposit.

Allowing her to stay, even though she doesn't have the money, was the key part of our conversation that made her feel validated and agree to leave. But she is afraid of having conflicts with her mother and having to confront a "this is my house, so those are my rules" type of response. I understand it somehow because her mother communicates in a very crude way and becomes toxic when she drinks. But her mother is not always at home. She works 3-by-3 (3 days working and 3 days resting).

After giving it a quick thought, I said to my wife that she could come back during the days that her mother is there, in case they have conflicts. She said, "Oh no, you'll not allow that; you'll just bring another woman to this bed." My spontaneous response was to laugh loudly and then say, "No, I'll not do this; I will protect you because I love you." She then got her eyes shining with emotion.

Because of what she said, I couldn't hold myself from imagining another woman in my bed, nude. So I thought to myself, "Not that another woman in this bed isn't a bad idea, because I haven't had sex in a while." Fortunately, I didn't share my intrusive thoughts with her. But in reality the best candidate woman is my own wife. She is super gorgeous. How can I find another 6-inch girl that's as pretty, effective, and funny as her?

My goal is to find the peace I need to get my life going. I'll have to pay alimony, but with peace I should be able to improve my well-being and then make much more money. I know that I can increase my monthly wage threefold while still taking care of kids in shared custody, because I have done this before. And with the AI takeover threat, it's time to make savings.

At the same time, I'd like her to do DBT and get better to the point that she can return one day. I'm reading all of the success stories on this board, and I truly wish that I'll be able to write mine in the future. I am aware that recovery is not something we can bet on, but I've got faith. And regardless of our status, I want her to get better.

I'm not sure if she will hold her word and leave or if something else will get in the way. But I'm taking it seriously, and I won't give up. Tomorrow we'll talk to her mother about it.

My expectation is that we'll maintain a healthier relationship without living together and that we will still see each other, but now in a way that I can reinforce my boundaries. On the other hand, I'm aware that it may just not work out, but I'm fine with letting go, if needed.

Does it sound like a viable plan?