Like everyone else has said, don't be so hard on yourself, although we all were at some point. I'm the king of JADE'ing. It's a fools errand. No matter how clear a situation is, you are wrong. If you JADE you're accused of not caring, hearing them, and denying their reality/gaslighting. If you walk away, you're accused of not caring about them or fighting for the relationship. You always lose. SOMETIMES I found success in saying we needed to pause the argument until we're calm. She'd thank me for diffusing it and we might be ok. Other times it didn't work at all and we NEEDED to argue for hours about how bad I was.

Therapy would be a very good starting point, if he truly sees an issue and wants to grow, but that too is very rare.

I think I’m particularly disappointed in myself because things had been improving. I was probably being optimistic in not expecting an outburst like this. We’ve been married for 31 years and have two grown sons (both out of the house). They are both better than I am at setting boundaries with him. I would say my husband is high functioning but he has never been diagnosed. At times he’s been receptive to the idea of getting counseling and will acknowledge the problem but then he backs off and I stop pushing when things are okay because I don’t want to rock the boat. I’m not sure I would classify this as the worst incident but it is up there.

You are not alone. I have a 13 year old and an 18 year old.  While we don't speak much about it (that would damage trust between myself and my spouse) they do have methods to cope with it. It is hard on them. Fortunately, my wife takes most of it out on me, but they do get quite a bit of the anger as well. 

Try to take care of yourself. Exercise / Hobbies ect. Love on your son with out making mom bad.

Do your best to understand that most of this is not your fault. Try not to take the bait in the argument. 

I plan on doing everything I can to stay married. She is amazing when she is not angry, and I made a vow. Its also not her fault. Also, consider if you leave, you  are placing the impact of your spouse fully on your child.

I have been breaking down and crying a lot lately. Its hard.

Hi!  I am terribly sorry to hear your news!  Short version, my daughter (referred to as pwBPD) cut ties with me, her father, her sister & her beautiful nieces 3 years ago....she texts when she needs something; I know it is the WORST feeling in the world; especially during the holidays (her birthday was the worst, the first year....I could not get out of bed, I was so sad) (I am tearing up typing it) I now see a therapist who specializes in parents of children/adult children with BPD & am learning how to accept feeling JOY (it seemed unnatural, as I am always sad about my daughter!) feel free to reach out, if you like!

Although you wish to help your BF, consider another angle. Also this is one opinion, so consider this in context of what you wish to do, as it's your relationship.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Read about the Karpman triangle. One person can take on all three roles in relationships.

Your BF is taking Rescuer role and Sophie is in Victim role. This bond is facilitated when the two are aligned against a common Persecutor.

To Sophie- you are the Persecutor who keeps her from doing things with your BF, such as going to the movies. If he's with you, he can't go with her.

To your BF, you are the Persecutor when you bring up his friendship with Sophie and "keep him from it".

Consider that when you debrief with him, protest the friendship, you may actually be enabling this dynamic.

We can't control someone else's feelings, whatever they are. If your BF is still in some kind of emotional connection with Sophie, whatever it is- trauma bond or not- these are his feelings and he's the one responsible for working them out.

When you confronted him, he took Victim position and reached out to Sophie for consolation (Rescuer).

You also have your own feelings to consider and what to do about them.

It can take time to recover from a previous relationship. Seems your BF still has some recovery to do. Right now, this works for him as he doesn't have to choose between the two of you. He can have both.

You don't want to make him choose because you feel he's in a trauma bond and needs your help. Also, you care about him. But what if this helping on your part is actually enabling the situation?

One idea is to back off from discussing Sophie with him and remove yourself from the position of Persecutor. I think you probably fear that if you aren't vigilant about it, he will just have more contact with her. But I think you really want him to come to his own decision to choose you. This is his choice to make though, so maybe stepping away from the conflict (this isn't saying step away from him if you don't want to) will allow him to choose. It's scary to do this but it may be the path to resolution, one way or the other.

Yeah, you must give yourself some grace.  If the standard is being perfect 100% of the time in a relationship, we're all doomed.  Marriage is about trust and forgiveness...from you and from him.  It feels unfair that we must forgive because they're mentally ill, but that's the tough truth; we have to lead in these situations.

That doesn't mean blindly forgive either though; there has to be some boundaries in place.  It's not okay to scream or put people down.  It's definitely not okay to break things or intimidate someone.  That soft of stuff, you walk away and make it clear you're not playing that game.  It gets worse before it gets better, but eventually you can find balance.

How long have you been together?  Is this the worst blow-up so far?  Tell us a little about your relationship.

Thank you. Everything you said is very true and things I know but need to be reminded of particularly when we’re not in the heat of the moment. It is good to remember that had I said nothing it would also be used against me. I still wish I had remained calm and set a boundary to not engage until we can have a productive conversation. I will try to stick to that today.
Thank you for your understanding.

Logged back in. Went to create an account, and it was previously here. What is typed below, is still true.  I am 45 and have been married for 21 years now.

Don't be so hard on yourself - remember; you're not the one with the problem, you're the one trying to cope with their problems.

It's only natural to hit back when we're being abused, we've all done it and found that, in the disordered, illogical world of the BPD, it doesn't work because they'll see it as further proof they were 'in the right'.  Equally, saying or doing nothing can also have that effect, as that will reinforce their beliefs too. We can't win.

Some boundaries would help - such as saying 'I'm leaving the room until we can discuss this calmly'. Nothing heavy, just a means to defuse the moment. You need to stick to any boundaries you set though, as the BPD will test them.

Of course you're concerned about your partner but you should also take care of yourself too, and your own well-being.

Although you have known him for a year- he asked you to be his gf a few days ago.

This is a very new and early relationship and you have concerns. The longer a relationship continues- the more difficult and complicated it is to end it if that is the decision.

You are at a fork in the road with this. One option is to go along with it and "see what happens". This is the passive decision. You just keep on as it is.

The  other is to consider the issues that are concerning to you and decide this isn't the direction you wish to take with this person and take action and break it off.

You have looked at this person to decide on the relationship- the NDA, the showing up drunk, to making light of his threat, showing up unexpectedly, and intoxicated expecting to stay the night.

Now, also look at you, look inward. How do you feel? You feel confused, you feel your concerns are being dismissed, invalidated. You feel intimidated and unsafe.

What do you want in a romantic relationship? Think about this and does this match what you are experiencing with this person?