It’s my first time posting here.
Over 10 years ago, my sister posted in this group asking for advice about our brother and what she suspected was his wife’s undiagnosed BPD. Before he met his wife, my sister, my parents, and I had a very close and loving relationship with him. We had always been a close family, and there had never been any real conflict like what followed after he met his wife. My sister has since passed away from a horrible accident and I’ve been trying to piece together some of the knowledge she gathered on the situation.

My brother met his wife and they married very quickly (5 months). Things changed remarkably quickly after they got together. Their faith also became an increasingly dominant part of their lives, and all six of their children have been homeschooled, so they have grown up in a very insulated family environment.

Some of the most noticeable changes in my brother were:

* He began accusing my parents of owing them extremely large amounts of money, which was not true.
* He became obsessed with the fact that he was not respected as the eldest son and that as a result he should also inherit everything (were not a wealthy family)
* He became increasingly hostile toward my parents and eventually stopped calling my mom “Mom,” saying she no longer deserved to be called his mother.
* We started being accused of rejecting his wife when we welcomed her with open arms
* He began repeatedly accusing me of being rude, disrespectful, selfish, and of not loving him or his wife, despite my trying to maintain a calm relationship.
* Many of the hobbies and interests he had always loved, including skiing, sports, and outdoor activities, disappeared.l because all of the sudden they were dangerous and evil
* Almost all of his friendships disappeared as well. He had many close friends before the relationship and eventually became estranged from virtually all of them.
* Blaming me for spending lots of time with my sisters young children after she passed away instead of his girls (this one blew my mind)
* Moving cities without telling us, changing phone numbers, not telling us about new daughters being born
* In summary they would only reach out when they needed something. Another example I was asked to not go to university so that I could take care of their children. When I said school was important to me they stopped speaking to me

Over the years, the relationship became emotionally abusive and increasingly centered around blame and impossible-to-meet expectations. We were repeatedly told that we didn’t do enough for them, didn’t visit enough, didn’t babysit enough, didn’t help enough, or didn’t care enough about the children. Yet there were also periods when our calls and emails went unanswered, or we were prevented from seeing the children. When we did try to visit, we were sometimes aggressively kicked out and subjected to more accusations, only to later be blamed for not making an effort.

We went through about 15 years of an on and off relationship where our whole family was trying hard to retain some level of contact. I have now been no-contact with my brother for over six years. This wasn’t because I stopped caring about him or his children. I eventually reached a point where the emotional abuse, constant accusations, and conflict were affecting my emotional wellbeing to the point that I couldn’t continue participating in the relationship.

I have accepted that I cannot have a relationship with my brother and his wife. And I stand by that. The part I am struggling with now is his oldest daughter, who has just turned 19 and what I will eventually tell my own young daughter about this family dynamic.


My first question is about a potential relationship with my niece.
A few weeks ago, I happened to see my niece for the first time in 7 years. I had always hoped that once she was an adult and was able to form her own opinions there would be a way for us to build a relationship. She’s the only one from my nieces I really got to know before things got too intense with my brother.
I could tell pretty quickly that her opinion of me was the same as my brothers and her moms she was just being very polite. And with the strong faith element, I could see she was not exposing herself to new world views and opinions even now that she’s in university. And for the first time I thought maybe trying to build a relationship with her given she loves her parents as she should and I have cut them out of my life may not be possible.

I sent her a thoughtful email afterward (I didn’t have an independent way of contacting her before) but I haven’t heard back. I don’t know whether she received it, whether her parents have seen it, or whether she simply doesn’t want contact. Her parents have historically been  known to read all emails and letters.
I am considering sending one more very low-pressure email in a few weeks simply to make sure she received the first one. If I don’t hear back, I may eventually send one final message acknowledging that I eventually chose no contact with her parents and that I am sorry that this also meant losing contact with her. I want her to know that I love her, that I never stopped caring about her, and that if she ever wants a relationship with me,l or needs something the door is open. Does this sound like a reasonable way to try to communicate with her? Anything I’m missing? Or is it basically unreasonable to try to build a relationship unless she reached out to me?


My second question and concern is my daughter. I recently had a baby, and I find myself thinking about what I will eventually tell her about all of this. She has cousins she will likely never meet and I don’t know how to explain the severity of the situation without going down to my brothers level and telling her horrible things about them.
But I also worry about the future. What happens if she meets these cousins when they are all adults and they have been taught that our family abandoned them, didn’t love them, or didn’t do enough for them? What if they program her against us? I secretly want them to never meet but I know that’s not fair. But I want to make sure she understands enough that she won’t get sucked into their twisted version of events if they meet one day.
Appreciate any perspectives so much!

Not for me!  I feel no compassion for them. 

They're adults, and if we're going to have any sort of functional society at all, there has to be some personal accountability.  We can't allow otherwise healthy adults to go through life creating nothing but chaos for themselves and everyone unfortunate enough to get involved with them.

To answer your question, because you're a decent enough person and you wanted marriage to work.  You were co-dependent on her, even though it cost you more than you could afford.

You've been out of the fog for several weeks now and your perspective is changing.  I no longer see a deeply wounded person flailing forward.  You're finally starting to stand on your own two feet and now the anger is coming...anger is good.  It took me six months to reach the anger phase so you're way ahead of me.

On my journey, after anger came compassion (which is why I keep telling you she's sick, she can't help it).  After compassion comes acceptance, that you can't fix her and this wasn't your fault.  At least you gave everything a real effort though and hoped for the best, at least you hung in there as long as possible for the kids.

You're going to be okay, my friend.  These next few months are going to be brutal, but at least you're waking up and seeing what's really happening here.  There is another side of this once you make it through.  You just have to keep moving forward one day at a time.

Eventually, her anger will fade out as well.  She may even try to romance you back while apologizing for everything and promising to change.  Start preparing for that now.  That's why I've repeatedly said that this isn't over, the marriage is not yet finished.  She lashes out so hard because she cares that much, she doesn't want to lose you despite doing everything possible to burn it all down. 

Just be ready for the pivot, where everything suddenly becomes rainbows and unicorns again like when you first met.  It might be weeks away, it might be months.  But it's probably coming.  That's actually the toughest part because you do love her...but your eyes have also been opened and you know the cycle will eventually repeat.  Wishing you luck, my friend.

This.

The vitriol comes and goes. My pwBPD seems to be in a constant split/spiral/push-pull scenario at the moment. Yesterday it was calm for a few hours and then extreme. I'm taking the BIFF to heart. And being called a narcissist again and again. She's threatening this/that, but I just see a very sad, very alone, very angry human who can't keep from burning down all the bridges around her. I no longer feel an empathetic draw to her; I'm annoyed, now. Eager for her to cycle down so we can get a mediator involved and try to move this thing along.

I hate texting with her. Talking to her makes me lose respect each time.  It's odd to see this woman who I once loved become a tiny, shrinking shell of a being  who I no longer respect. That might be encapsulated in her responses of "you never loved me" and "you hate me" and "you have never respected me." And the newest one, "you bought and trapped me in this house knowing exactly what you were doing, and planning to never change!"  Wow... talk about a commitment to the bit from me, were that the case. What's fun? Taking my  mentally ill, psychologically imbalanced wife with Borderline, buying a home, moving in, and then moving out! Yup. That's real. That's a real perspective.

Truth be told...  I have continued to lose respect for her day after day for eight years. Until I hit the end of my bucket a little over a month ago.

There is no redeeming this; my confliction is dissipating. She'll try and be controlling/destructive with the kids, and it'll cost her more than me. They're strong boys.

People with Borderline deserve to be understood. This doesn't necessitate loving them. I am not obligated to be in love with her or to continue this marriage... don't know why it took me so long to accept that.

I believe that when you set a precedent of treating a person a certain way (she/me) you lose right to mandated validation and understanding. I no longer owe the obligation of absorbing the blame, accepting the false realities, or validating a perpetual cycle of emotional dysregulation.

Naming it outload has been helpful. I'm no longer in fear. I'm almost  laughing as I try and guess what extreme she'll take it to, next. It's all silly, sad, and a catastrophic collapse of a moment.

Pluie, five days of sick leave and a friend's spare room is you taking care of yourself, not falling apart. That is worth naming out loud.

What got me was him being cheerful about the suitcases and then cooking and sitting close on the couch like nothing was happening. That mix of pushing the divorce and acting like a couple would tie anyone's nervous system in knots. You are not weak for collapsing under it.

And the mocking, saying you act out to torture him. Four days of panic attacks is your body doing what bodies do under grief, not a performance for an audience. You do not have to argue that point with him. Save your breath for people who already get it, including the ones here.

"I will love you like I never was" - that line stopped me cold. You wrote a better sentence over that newborn than most of us manage in a lifetime of trying, and nothing that has happened since cancels it. It is still the truest thing in the room.

"One day at a time" is exactly the right size for this. Reasoning and proving were never going to land, because the courtroom was never real - it only felt like one from the inside.

When a hard day comes and the old verdicts start up again, it helps to already have one small thing on the calendar that has nothing to do with him. Coffee with your partner, a walk, a class, anything that is yours. Not because it fixes anything - because it is evidence for a defense that actually exists.

Really glad you are here, and glad you answered.

What stands out to me is the "care manager" position you've been put in - calling the doctors, making the appointments she sometimes ignores. It's exhausting, and it also quietly reverses the roles: you become the parent pushing a reluctant kid toward the dentist, and nobody's spouse in that setup.

One reframe that might help with the defensive pushback: for a partner carrying chronic shame, "you need more help" often lands as "you're broken and failing again" - so the pushback you get is probably about the shame, not the suggestion. Things that tend to work better than pushing:

- Frame it around what she wants, not what's wrong with her. Chronic pain + depression feed each other; if the pain got even 30% better her mood would follow. "I hate seeing the pain win - what would it take to get that looked at properly?" is about the pain, not her character.
- Offer choices instead of directives. Two options she picks between ("Thursday morning or the doctor near your work?") gives her control, which is the thing the pushback is defending.
- Attend with her if she'll let you. "Come with me to a consult" gets a different reception than "go see someone."

And one thing nobody says to people in your spot: with kids at 3 and 4 she's in the heaviest load years of her life, and you're carrying the whole scaffolding around her. Who's in your corner? What does she say the depression feels like from the inside, when she'll talk about it at all?

Yeah, I always felt like this was the case and the couple times I hinted at it, I got shut down very quickly.
I am sorry that you had to go through so much hardship. It is horrible feeling like the one person in the world that is supposed to make you feel safe actually makes you feel the least safe you have ever felt. But i suppose that is how they feel about every partner they have. Very tragic. Hard to not feel compassion for them even though you want to shake them.

Yes, it's insane.  And the text that accompanied the accusation is even more so. Anyone would read it and say he is completely unhinged but it still hurts. Especially given both of our pasts with sexual abuse and assault.

I was definitely on the verge of sending him a simplified version of my letter last night and decided against it. Literally pulled up to my therapy appt this morning and got the screenshots from my friend. While it makes it easier to kill the love, it also makes me feel even worse for him.  I hate that I still feel so responsible for him.

I hope this sort of thing helps you see who you were dealing with, and stop internalizing the pain and self doubt.  You just dodged a bullet.  Had you married this guy, or worse, had kids with him, you'd be in for years of this sort of thing.

You asked earlier what sort of abuse we dealt with.  Like @ForeverDad said, it varies per person. 

I never dealt with physical abuse, but a lot of mental and emotional abuse; a lot of fights, screaming matches, and then hysterical sobbing.  My ex also loved to pick fights with my family members, really nasty fights, and then corner me, like "who's side are you on?" 

She did once admit that her goal was to isolate me from friends and family, so I would be too alone to leave her.  She really underestimated me, because I saw through it.  It was still not easy to deal with, but if her goal was to preserve her marriage, she was too clever by a half, because her actions made me lose any sort of respect or affection for her whatsoever, and indeed, went ahead and divorced her