After a conversation with my udbpd son a couple days ago where he was having a melt down, I have been worried about his state of mind and possible actions he was taking this week. He has brought up suicide before when feeling like a failure.  So my imagination can take flight. Sometimes I feel like he says things to get a reaction out of me or to get me to help him in someway.
To be honest, he makes impulsive decisions that I try to intercept even if it's only in my mind. I spend way too much of my time trying to make sense of how he thinks or come up with just the right words to keep him on a positive course. Then he calls as he just did, in a centered rational place asking about a medical appointment my husband had today. The conversation was easy, normal, no strings, not needy....  Rare times like these when I don't hear pain in his voice - I have hope and question my perceptions of other interactions.
Does my confusion make sense to anyone?  I get that I need to mentally disconnect and I think I'm beginning to learn. Is my answer in learning all the ways bpd presents and address them as they come and try to keep my thoughts out of his life?
 Thanks for being here.

Threatening divorce is not a small matter.  It may start as words in moments of emotional upset but it strikes deep at whatever trust there is in the relationship.  Because once threatened, it is more likely for it to happen again.  As has been observed here before regarding general issues, "If it has been threatened or even contemplated, it will happen given enough time."

Of course that course of spiraling down can be diverted.  Have you tried counseling?  The problem is that people with BPD traits (pwBPD), diagnosed or not, do tend to resist therapy... there is just so much Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

We all have seen that our own efforts are too often not enough to make progress.  A major reason is that BPD traits are most evident and most impacting in close relationships.  Someone in occasional contact or on the periphery may only note that the other is a bit "off" and so therefore won't be impacted much.  However, you're in constant contact and they can get sensitized to you though no fault of your own.  It's as though they can't truly listen to you through the emotional baggage of the close relationship.  This is precise where an experienced and emotionally neutral expert may be of help.

Hi Kronky
It does sound as though you are in the parent role in relation to your partner. It is good that he is open to trying things and it is even better that you are able to step back from feeling responsible for his condition or feeling responsible to solve it.

My suggestion is to start with little ‘time-outs’. It’s better to start knowing that you can keep taking that time. The idea of a time out from bpd is more about mental space – your mind is not on the person with bpd for a set period of time. Many years ago I was so anxious about my DD that I felt like I as falling apart.

Then I came up with the idea that I would set aside a time each day that I would think about DD. That helped a lot. Then I started to put timeouts in regular spots. I am not sure if this is making sense.

The emotional intensity of bpd is huge, and I found myself totally absorbed in thinking about it all. My timeouts were a great start for me becoming freer mentally and still supporting my DD but not mentally submerged in the chaos.

My mom is uBPD (Queen). I used to have a lot of resentment but after I got married and had kids 11 years ago, I was able to set boundaries that worked well. She lived about an hour away and we would visit 4-6x/year for a day and she’d come to our kids’ birthday parties when they were younger. When we visited, she would control the day but the kids liked the activities so it worked out fine. I would always wait 2-3 days to reply to emails and messages and that limited onslaught communications or me being her crutch.

I recently moved 3000 miles away. She just came to visit for Thanksgiving for 9 days in my house and I’m losing my mind. All my resentment and anxiety memories of childhood are flooding back and she says all sorts of things that are a bad influence on my kids. She cannot handle everything not being about her all the time, or that my family is bilingual around her. She is already planning another week in 2mo that I haven’t agreed to. She bought a cruise ending in our city so I couldn’t say no. She treats my home like and all-inclusive resort and expects to be treated like a beloved guest at all times.

I don’t think I can handle more than 2-3 days of her in my house twice a year without truly going back to loathing her.  We live far away so I get it’s not a weekend trip. How have people handled living cross country from a BPD mom that wants to visit and stay all the time?

My plan is to tell her no about the trip next trip, we will go away and she can’t stay in our house while we are away, once she is home. I’m sure she’ll this will be “very upsetting” for her, and I’m genuinely worried she will just show up. Help please! How to set boundaries in this situation without going NC?

I think it is a codependent habit to try and help our pwbpd’s out with their relationships with others. I have tried everything to get my bpdw to get along with my mother and it just doesn’t work. My mother has half-heartedly tried the “caretaking” I have recommended, but generally isn’t interested and she’d rather not see the grandchildren than jump through ridiculous hoops to do so. I am doing my best with this. As for my wife’s friendships and family relationships, I leave well alone. For a start, if I can validate her feelings when splitting on others it somewhat takes the target off me for a while. She finds relationships of all kinds hard, and going to college this term has hopefully made her realise that while new friends may seem amazing at first, they are just people, and won’t stick around if you don’t treat them very well. This situation is exacerbated by the fact that my wife tends to befriend others who have mental health problems, for example one of her best friends at college has a mother with bpd. It’s ironic to hear that my wife’s told her friends that she had a bpd diagnosis years ago but she’s “better now”.

Hi everyone. I’m new here and this is my first time posting. I’m 27, and I’m trying to navigate my husband’s newly confirmed BPD diagnosis. I feel really alone because most people in my life keep telling me to just leave him. The hardest part is knowing that, if I were on the outside looking in, I probably would’ve said the same thing. But seeing him struggle and genuinely be in pain is breaking my heart, and I’m trying to understand all of this while also protecting myself.

I married my husband eight months ago, and we’re currently separated due to infidelity. This isn’t the first time, although right now it has only been online. The situation has left me heartbroken. I can see how much he’s hurting internally, but he continues to hurt himself and me in the process, and he’s now strained his relationships with my entire family.

For the first time in our five years together, he has started taking steps to change. He recently sought individual therapy, and we’re also in couples counseling. Last week, our couples therapist told me that he is definitely on the BPD spectrum. He doesn’t know this yet, he’s supposed to find out tomorrow.

I’m worried about how he’ll react and what our path will look like from here. Part of me thinks he might be more receptive than many are at first because we briefly talked about the possibility a couple of months ago when everything started to unravel. He rejected the idea initially, but after reading a little, he said some things resonated with him. We eventually dropped it so the professionals could guide him without us planting anything in his mind.

I’m hoping he’s able to accept the diagnosis and get the help he needs. I love him deeply, and I recognize the pain and trauma he carries. But I also don’t want to lose myself in the process. I want a family someday, one that’s stable and loving, and I want my husband to be someone who feels proud of himself and capable of real happiness.

I’m hopeful for him, but I’m also terrified of what our future might look like depending on how he responds tomorrow.

Unfortunately I think this is the kind of thinking that goes with the condition. My BPD mother's "superpower" was that she was able to get people to do things for her. I don't think she did a lot on her own but she'd either get people to do things for her or pay them to do them.

I think she benefitted from the "norm" in her era. Women were not expected to work outside the home. They were expected to get married and be housewives. This suited her but she also didn't do housework either. She was fortunate that my father was able to hire household help.

By the time we were old enough to help out at home, we were also enlisted in "helping BPD mother" but it was assumed she did these things.

I don't think this can happen as often in 2025 if a young woman is single- she's expected to have some work skills or to be a partner if she is in a marriage and a SAHM but I have seen situations on the relationship board that are similar to my parents. One might think this could lead to more happiness for the pwBPD and maybe the partner, but it didn't in my family.

I commend you for encouraging your SD to stand on her own two feet and accomplish things, even if she gets angry at you for doing so. I think it's for her own best interest and ultimately self esteem.





 

Hi Notwendy,

Thanks for your considered reply.  I agree that sometimes the dreaming is image-related, a sort of bragging about intentions.  My BPD stepdaughter will do this a lot, and even put intentions on her resume:  I'm moving to XYZ city; I'm studying for an MBA.  Yet the reality is that she hasn't taken any concrete steps to move, and she hasn't signed up for any MBA classes yet.  Maybe these days, with social media, "intentions" are all that matters, and it's important to be always "broadcasting" what she wants, to get attention and affirmation.  And yet sometimes, I think it backfires.  Other times, I think it's more of a request for help (money, logistical support) to facilitate her intentions.

To illustrate, she'll say something like, I really want to go to Paris.  I might say, That sounds marvelous.  Paris in an amazing city.  Have you looked at flights?  And then she'll say, No, I mean live there.  I might reply, that's certainly possible, maybe in a couple of years.  She'll say, I want to go now.  I might say, I'm not stopping you.  I lived abroad for over a decade, in two different countries in fact, it was an amazing experience.  And then she'll try with her dad:  I need money to go to Paris.  Suddenly, fantasy clashes with reality.  Where's the money coming from?  Where will she live?  Does she expect me and her dad to lease an apartment for her?  What about a visa?  She doesn't speak any French, she doesn't know a soul in the country, she'd be far away from her support system.  We might say something like, you can't just show up there and expect to live and support yourself without a plan.  She'll reply, Other people make it work.  But what she doesn't understand is that other people make it work becuase they actually do the preparatory work.  Maybe they study a semseter abroad through a college program.  Maybe they get a job and then transfer abroad on a work visa, and do a ton of language study on the side, like I did.  She seems so naive about the real world that it's scary.  Maybe it's cognitive dissonance:  dreaming like an adult, but having an understanding of reality like a 13-year-old.

I guess my stock response has been:  We're not preventing you from doing what you want.  But she hates that response, on the one hand because she's the one to blame if her dream doesn't come true, and on the other hand, because I'm not helping enough.  But the funny thing is, I think I could help her on execution, provided that she's realistic about timing and the work required.  Yet she wants instant gratification.  She wants the glitz without the guts, she wants the sweets without the sweat.  She always wants to be somewhere else, so she doesn't have to live her "real" life and get a "real" job.  Ugh.

I think more information (not identifying info) is needed to understand what you are asking here and also what your goals are if you choose to intervene.

Reading between the lines here- when you say pressure on you. If this were my situation- my BPD mother perceived people as being on her side or not her side. This was Karmpan triangle dynamics- she was in Victim perspective and her expectation was that my father would "take her side" against the other person. That was the pressure on him. It's not directly rescuing but it still is rescuer position- aligning with "her side".

The pressure on him involved expecting him to distance himself from someone who he knew didn't deserve this, or someone he cared about. It might be a mutual friend, or a family member-usually on his side. The desire/pressure to smooth things over would be his wishing to maintain both relationships. However, you can't control someone else's feelings so there's no way to make your wife feel differently about anyone or anything.

Saying anything to the other person to explain the situation truthfully- that my mother had BPD, would be seen by her as the ultimate betrayal, causing her to be angry and hurt and disrupt the relationship.

My own thoughts about this is that- if the relationship with the other person is a boundary you wish to maintain- even if your wife has issues with that person- you will need to be able to maintain the boundary even if it upsets your wife. If you can not do this, then the relationship with the other person may not be maintainable.

If the issue your wife has with the other person doesn't involve you, let the other person have their own conclusion, no need to intervene. They will have their own feelings and boundaries.

As to how to explain childlike behavior- "has difficulty with emotional regulation" "impulsive" "feels hurt easily" might be descriptors that fit.

CC43,
I've been reading and reflecting. It helps me to understand struggles, mindsets and actions that pwbpd have in common. My swbpd  has times of competence and has had achievements that I have had no part in. He was an electrician working for others, he got his real estate license and did well for a short time, then got his own  business license to work as an independent electrical contractor and even hired helpers. The bpd pattern I can see now as I step back and look is that disregulation under stress has caused many problems. Job changes, people issues...  Impulsive spending and Impulsive life decisions have caused more setbacks....
There's so much more as well. When bills haven't gotten paid and a utility is about to be turned off, I've jumped in. I've  made sure he's had food money for my grandson...Vehicle  breakdown I jumped in to keep him working. . The thing is none of the helps has helped him get over the Hump. I see more clearly now that the hump is bpd and all that tears down his efforts.
This disease is heartbreaking and tenacious. He feels he is fine and doesn't understand why he has so many problems and failures. Yet he is in tremendous emotional pain and pours that out to me. I have compassion for him, I've tried over and over to lighten his stress load and thereby relieving pain. I guess my goal is counterproductive to the possibility of him seeking recovery help. I feel for everyone here walking this road and appreciate you all.