Hello and welcome to the family! 

To start it off, congrats on getting sober! That's a huge milestone and something nobody should take lightly.

Now comes the hard part.  You're responsible for you and taking the right steps in life; getting clean, finding a new path.  Your girlfriend is responsible for herself though, and it sounds like she's not ready to take that journey with you.  Without talking about the BPD aspect at all here, that's a massive red flag that I hope you take very seriously. 

If you're clean and she's not, it's only a matter of time before you're pulled right back into that lifestyle.  Please take this to heart and weigh your options very carefully!

For the mental health aspect, that's the typical push/pull of a BPD relationship.  When she wants to break up, what she's really saying is that she wants you to choose her over <insert whatever you're arguing about>.  When you come up short, she pushes you away only to pull you right back days/weeks/months later.

I hope that helps start us off!  How old are you and your girlfriend?  Did you have a relationship before using drugs, or were they always there?

Yes, a 1/100th of what I was. I was climbing the career ladder. I was social. I networked. I was 'sure' of myself regarding my abilities, my friendships, family relations. I felt solid. Not perfect of course, but I was in a good and solid state of mind. And still wanting to be better, even without external concerns.

I too was told I'm not romantic. She wants to go out more, 2 dates a week isn't enough  apparently? I know I'm  romantic, I know I'm thoughtful...more than most men I know. And it isn't good or bad. I'm just me. I actually pay attention and care. Maybe too much.

People tell me even less than half of what I did was more than enough. But hearing how it was so bad every other day does stuck with me. Because I had more in the tank. But my logical brain knows that isn't ok. I do know I'm  ok and a relatively or even good partnerm. I just don't fully believe it yet.

I can meet someone. I just don't want to right now. Or soon. 30, 40, 50 or more. I don't like how this feels.it would have upset me as much regardless of age. I put in far too much vs what I get. I need to fix that.

Thanks everyone for the support.  I can't seem to figure out how to reply to each of you individually for some reason, but I appreciate your advice/support Gems, Me88 and Under the Bridge.  Gems- what you said about not being able to love someone to wellness hit home.  It took me a long time to realize that no matter how much I loved her (and she loved me) the relationship was extremely unhealthy, damaging, and unsustainable.  Lord knows my therapist tried to get that across to me!  For whatever reason it took until now for me to get the message and really do something about it.  Divorce is really scary for me (I'm soon to be 60 and widowed as well) and I just moved to a new city where I don't know anyone.  And I just retired.  So there's a ton of change to get used to.  But I know I made the right decision.  Thanks again.

What Gems wrote, you become a shell of yourself, is something I was going to write in my reply. They suppress you, put you in your shell and make you feel worthless. I was told I’m not romantic, I’m not caring, I’m socially and emotionally inept.
I don’t know why they do this, I don’t know if it’s the things that aren’t reality they dream up in their heads that makes their emotions and thinking so dysregulated.
Of the relationships I’ve had since, I’ve learnt that I am romantic. I’m not massively romantic, but I am not devoid of it, and all emotion like I was once led to believe.
In my current relationship I have been told that I am very thoughtful and caring. I’ve learnt that far from being emotionally inept, I was just always capable of keeping my emotions in check, whereas a person with BPD view their emotions as reality.

My ex’s best friends partner works behind the bar in my local club, and he has said I have spoken to him a lot more, and have way more interesting conversations with him since I’ve split up with my wife. This is because I can be me, I am no longer suppressed by my ex. And when you can be yourself, and when you feel ready, I’m sure you will meet someone. You sound like you have got enough going for you, and you are still in your 30’s.
Imagine how much more scary your situation might be if you are 50!

I love the reference about grieving....it is hard to explain to others....grieving a person that IS alive, grieving memories you are not making, I think alot about grieving (I don't know how to say it....alot of my pwBPD (daughter)'s friends are getting married and having babies) events

I appreciate your replies. Luckily I have ZERO social media accounts. I'm in my mid 30s so it all started when I was in high school. I never saw the appeal, and still maintain it's to garner attention, which is also something I'm not wanting in a partner, attention seeking. I will also never try dating apps, I had done that only one time years and years ago and I did very well. But it just seems strange now, plus if I somehow ran into my ex on there my heart would drop...reading all the lies. I agree I need to move slower. I jumped head first into the last one since the love bombing, sex bombing and being put on a pedestal felt so warm and 'real', which I returned to her.

It's very traumatic and no on understands other than it was a bad relationship. I too questioned every single word, action, task, how I'd breathe, drive, etc. Everything was on the table for criticism and making me a monster somehow. I also became a totally different person in all ways and I'm still trying to put that back together. I'm in the best shape of my life and overall life is going well, it all still seems so blurry though.

And as far as hobbies and such I probably have far too many. I play multiple instruments. Lots of wood working. Metal work. Fixing cars. The list is endless. I do go out and do things whether it's a concert, golf, bowling league, family stuff. Luckily I'm not hiding in my house anymore. Sadly, my city isn't very large and like I said...it's on every list for highest percentage of singles, worst cities to date, and the highest rate of single mothers. It's a little rough.

At the same time, I'm not against meeting someone, however that presents itself. If I find a woman attractive and we strike up a conversation, ok. But I'm not actively looking for anything, and like you had said I feel like a total loser with nothing to offer. And I still ponder on her insults and accusations of my actions. It sort of haunts you; am I controlling, insecure, abusive, toxic? No one in my entire life has said that, so I like to think that I am not those things deep down as a whole. I'm also afraid to meet someone and worry if they're just going to go crazy again. Get me comfortable and break me down a little and then unleash the demon.

Hey there -

I just replied to your 9/2025 post.  I’m past the expiration date, I think  but I feel compelled to also reply to your post here.

I truly don’t understand today’s world of social media and the “presentation” I feel it forces on young people.  I’m not sure how I would have coped with that pressure.

From the words in your posting history, it’s very clear you are way more than the 6’, money-making, 6-pack ab guy who would look nice in photos and sound appealing in a dating app description.  You are allowed to quiet the noise of all the “shoulds” when it comes from people outside of you telling you to date or to “get back out there”.  Only you know when you’re ready.  And maybe this time, a different and slower approach to meeting someone or making a new friend would be more appropriate for you.

These relationships are extremely traumatic and those on the outside don’t truly know what it feels like, and trying to explain it doesn’t seem to work.  For me, I questioned EVERYTHING about myself.  Everything… and the worst thing was that I didn’t trust my judgment about anything because I thought “how could I” when I had let that happen?  I had become a shell of myself, emotionally, physically, spiritually…in every way. And I felt I had nothing to offer and wouldn’t be able to discern between an honest person and another one like him.  I recognized my vulnerability, because of how vulnerable I was when I met him.  And he knew it. 

No one can tell you what to do.  But you can ask yourself about things you’ve never tried but may like to… stick your hands in a bag of clay and try a pottery class or a watercolor painting class.  Pick up a musical instrument and take lessons.  Find a meet-up group for hiking (or some other outdoor activity), or some other activity that doesn’t involve alcohol.  Take a jewelry metal-making class.  Find out what you like that you don’t know about yet.  If you live in a large city, find every free or low cost musical offering and go listen to anything appealing - broaden your interests and you’ll meet different kinds of people.  Everyone has art or music in them…they just may not know it yet.

If you don’t go in you can’t find out.  Everything starts with one small step.

Warmly,
Gems

A big part of the challenge when we are enlisted to be emotional caretakers of our parents, is we learn to prioritize their feelings over our own. It can help to remind yourself whenever you feel uncomfortable with your father's requests to enable your mother or how your mother is treating you, that you are a separate person from them, that these are their feelings and not yours. Learning about the concept of differentiation from Murray Bowen can be a first step in becoming less triggered for shorter periods of time by all the enabling of your mother's behaviors by different family members.

Hi -
I hope it’s okay to bring this post forward?  I read some your post today (12/23/25) about not being ready to date yet and read back a bit to get a feel for your history, and felt the need to maybe address this one from 9/2025.

I felt this, and still feel it… these days for different reasons; and I believe there are good explanations.

When you are deeply involved in a disordered relationship, whether romantic, family or even work-related, I believe we come to live in a state of anticipation, “on edge” as you say. 

I spent nearly 26 years in disordered relationships (2), and have since been trying to figure out the WHY of me?  WHY did I say “yes” to it all… and live in this delusion of forgive and forget… and look both ways before there is any street to cross, the dreaded anticipation that there WILL be a street, or a speeding car.  What is here that could cause a rage? And I’ve done it pretty silently.

And @TelHill is correct, CPTSD may also apply.  I too was diagnosed with that and continue to work on calming those symptoms.  The healing takes time because you have to learn to trust yourself.  And to know you ARE and always WERE good and kind and more than enough.

I hope some of this helps.  There is that saying…  “life is lived forward, understood backward”.

I don’t know.  Maybe writing this is for me more than you.  That wasn’t my intention, I’m sorry.  Today isn’t a good day.

Warmly,
Gems

I have been dating a woman who has bpd for over two years and it’s always the same thing one minute she is so in love with me and the next she is wanting to break up and I know she loves me and I told her I’d never give up on her and I shouldn’t take it personally but it’s just so hard not to play in to the chaos that she brings to the table when she gets that way she also has substance abuse problem with meth which is the worse drug she could do with her own mental illness I am also an addict that’s in recovery and in a treatment facility and she was all set to come to do detox and come to sober living an be up here with me cause we are two hours away from each other it was rather crushing when she changed her mind how can I not let PLEASE READ get to me or what should I do or handle the situation any advice would appreciated cause it’s so hard loving someone with bpd and I won’t give up on her