Fooling Myself,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation -- so very painful


I have had this same experience.  I KNOW that what the pwbpd is saying isn't true or fair and is a product of their illness, and yet it hurts so much

And sometimes, you know, we folks w/o bpd make mistakes too.  But that still doesn't make the things the pwbpd is saying completely true or fair or negate the fact that they respond the way they do because of their illness.  None of us are perfect and yet we are able to maintain relationships with other people.

Hi,

I'm really sorry about the situation.  Your case feels extra painful because you believe you're partly to blame, as you chose to adopt an at-risk child.  I think you're a saint.  On top of that, your daughter is low-functioning, which might mean she'll try to extract money and free babysitting from you indefinitely--whenever she can't find anyone else to take care of her.  And she has a precious baby that she's using as a pawn.  She's just not capable of putting her baby's interests first.

I highlighted the above to point out something to you.  My opinion is that your daughter is projecting her ill feelings onto you.  She's claming that YOU are financially abusing HER, when deep down I think she knows that it's the other way around.  She's claiming that you're not caring for the baby as you should, and that you're a bad mom, which I think is code for how she thinks about herself.  She won't take responsibility for herself, right?  That's because shame is a big trigger for pwBPD.  Rather than take responsibility, apologize or try to make it up to you, she twists the story and blames you instead.  Sometimes I think she has to tell the world how horrible you are, to get external validation that her victim narrative is right, plus get the attention and "rescuing" she craves.  It's no surprise to me that she's highlighting these very points about you.  She could have said you were a criminal, a liar, a homewrecker, controlling/meddlesome, narcissistic, acting like a child, a drug abuser, whatever.  I'm convinced that her claims that you're financially exploitative and a bad mom is actually projection.  That's a hint to what's really plaguing her, deep down.

I sighed when you described your last blow-up, when you asked your daughter to help pay for utilities, because presumably she has some disability income to spare, and she's otherwise living with you for free.   Her response was to ask YOU to work (by babysitting), to earn the cash instead of her.  And her "solution" was tied to her baby, using it as a pawn.  Well that seems simultaneously clever and manipulative, almost Tom Sawyeresque, but also extremely entitled.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but many times I think that if pwBPD could just channel their natural talents in a more positive direction, they'd actually be amazing.

Thank you. My husband did let her know about Nana and she did reach out by text which I appreciate for my mom’s sake. I am not taking that as an opportunity to reunite. Everytime she comes back, she never takes responsibility. It’s always me bending to her and I can’t do it anymore.

Hi,

I have posted on the board before. Like many of your stories, mine is quite complex. You can find a more detailed summary here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062399.0. Today, I would like to try to focus on what I am coping with right now.

My BPD (NPD traits) husband and I were together for 12 years, and married for only two. He asked for a divorce a couple of months ago, although he has not submitted the paperwork yet. The fact is that I do not have the financial stability necessary to move out. I stayed at a friend's for a few weeks, but that couldn't possibly be a long-term solution. He also slept at his office for a while. I know I am doing my best to solve this, considering that I have just recently moved here (Norway) from abroad, I am still struggling with the aftermath of some serious health issues, and I am, of course, heartbroken and incredibly tired. Well, in short, my BPD ex and I are living together right now, and I need advice on how to cope.

While at first I was just deeply grateful and happy to have moved back in and established a series of boundaries, things escalated again real quick (like, less than two weeks). I must admit we were intimate for the first week or so...a lot. He became loving and caring again, and of course it felt amazing, and it ignited hope again. Needless to say, he went back to DARVO and discarding as soon as I tried to have a serious conversation on why that was happening, and whether therapy could be considered. Now he is being extremely impulsive. He is considering accepting a new job offer, moving to a nearby city, buying a very expensive car, etc. He is drinking and coming late, telling me all these stories in detail and saying how happy and hopeful he feels now that he is divorcing me.

I have really tried to stay calm and ignore him, but it is just NOT working. I am angry, and tired, and sad, and he just acts like he doesn't understand why I am so desperate. The only thing that is helping me is reading posts from this and other forums, and reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells", so that I am reminded that there is nothing, nothing I could do if he is in denial and not willing to get therapy. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to deal with the temporary cohabitation. I feel drained, and I need energy to rebuild a life for myself.

Thank you. A big hug to you all.

BPDs always have a favorite person or a favorite group.  Those people are perfect, they do no wrong, they're the best friends in the world and they'd die for them without a second thought.

The truth is that they might be complete losers, but it's the perception in the BPDs mind.  Everything is rainbows and unicorns.

BPDs also realize over time that those people aren't perfect and quite suddenly, they can turn on them and cast them away.  They are terrible, evil people who are out to destroy them.  They HATE these people and dream of ways to get back at them.

However, remember that these are the same people in both categories.  If you're super close to a BPD, you're going to see both sides of the spectrum.

Then there's everyone else- distant friends and relatives, co-workers, neighbors, etc.  They don't care about those people and they're not building close relationships with them.  They often have no idea that the person is even mentally ill, even if they talk to them 5-10 minutes daily.  The BPD never truly loves or hates them; it's a healthy, normal relationship.

I bring up that last group because if you haven't been close to your BPD in awhile, you fall into group three.  Your sister would seem normal, balanced and largely in control of her life.  It's only the people she's super close to, her inner circle, that see the mental illness.  They're loved or hated and that can switch at any time, often seemingly out of nowhere.

If your BPD is loving towards you, they care about you a lot.  If they're mean and spiteful, they care about you a lot and are deeply wounded that you hurt them in some way.  That's the crux of the mental illness.

Many here say to keep distance and only have casual contact.  Why?  Because that gets you out of the inner circle where the emotions are raging and you go from black to white frequently.  In many ways, it's better to be like the neighbor or co-worker because you can have productive conversations but you're never in the middle of everything. 

That's the relationship I have with my BPD daughter (who's 27) and it's good.  If we suddenly became super close again, then I know that eventually the storms are going to come rolling in and I'll be in the center of the drama in her life...regardless if I'm painted black or white.  Even if she's not raging about me, I'm going to hear her raging about everyone else and eventually she'll catch me on the wrong day where I'll say the worst possible thing.

I hope that helps!

Hi there,

I'm a stepmom too, and I've felt many of the same feelings you're grappling with.  My situation is a little different, as the pwBPD in my life is my adult stepdaughter, and I married her dad after she had graduated from high school.  As a result, I probably feel as you do:  "Close enough to see the damage that has been done, but far enough removed that I'm looking at it differently than a biological parent might."  Just like you, I can't help but feel angry and resentful for the extensive relationship and financial damage my pwBPD has wrought in my family.  Basically, she has treated my husband and other stepkids like crap, and I think it's not right, let alone warranted.  I can't help but think that just because she has BPD, it's not an excuse to be so mean and spiteful.  It's complicated because at its core, the classic BPD coping mechanism is to blame others and refuse to take any responsibility.  It can be very difficult to maintain a loving relationship with someone like that, in my opinion.

Granted, I think my husband has enabled many of his daughter's dysfunctional behaviors, by shielding her from consequences, bailing her out countless times and giving her second, third, fourth and fifth chances at great financial and emotional costs.  And yes, in the past she has shown she can be nice for short periods, typically when she needs something from him, like money, co-signing or administrative or logistical support.  He's so desperate to have a relationship with her that he gives her almost everything she asks for, in the hopes that she'll be happy and grateful.  I think you know that his hopes are quickly dashed.  The second she gets the money or favor from him, she neglects to thank him, and instead cuts him out of her life again, typically after saying or writing something awful.

OK, I'm going to be blunt here.  There have been times I've hated and resented my BPD stepdaughter for what she has done--to herself, her dad, to me, to the family dynamic, to our finances.  She has never, ever, ever taken any accountability.  She hasn't talked to her siblings for YEARS, and you know how that can make holidays complicated.  Her sister's wedding is coming up, and it looks like she won't attend, further fracturing the family.  She hasn't talked to me or her dad for several months now.  Worse, she blames us for her messing up her life!  She has twisted facts and rewritten history into a convoluted victim narrative that is hard to fathom.  I get that that is a feature of BPD, but it's extremely hard to take.  I have been empathetic at times:  she's emotionally immature, she's overwhelmed, she's doing the best she can with the mental resources she has, she's living the life which she chooses, she can't control herself, she really doesn't mean what she says, etc. etc. but man, I've gotten tired of it.  It has been nearly a decade of dysfunction.  Oftentimes I've said to myself, ENOUGH.  She's not worth all the time I'm spending thinking about her.  If she doesn't attend the wedding, fine.  Less drama.  But I know her dad and sister will be crushed nonetheless.

But here's a lingering issue:  can my spouse love me if I don't love his kid exactly as she is?  I think that if he had to make a choice, he'd always put his kid first, no matter what, even if she hates his guts.  I guess I love him for that, and if I'm honest, I think his devotion is amazing, after all that's happened.  But that means he's basically putting me second, when I'm the one who's nice to him!  And if I try to enforce any boundaries, such as, I won't let her live with me in our house again, I think that would mean divorce for me.  Because he will always choose his kid over me.  I think he knows this, and so he does not seek my input about any parenting decision, not really.  And so, I'm stuck.  I don't want to get a divorce because of a BPD adult kid's behavior.  Ergo, the feelings of anger and resentment.

How does that leave things?  So far, I've tried to support my husband as much as possible.  Though I disagree with some of the parenting decisions (mostly around enablement of dysfunctional behaviors and sending her tons of money), I realize, it's his kid.  While I will give him some ideas from time to time, he generally doesn't welcome my input, because the topic of his BPD daughter is very upsetting to him, as he's living in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  I have to be extremely careful and judicious about how I make suggestions, and always in a positive light, or he will completely shut down.  (Anything remotely negative or neutral/factual, and he assumes I'm criticizing his kid).  Nevertheless, eventually, my advice sometimes sinks in, and he'll practically regurgitate my words, believing that he thought of them himself.  In the scenario you describe, I might say:

"Your son is probably feeling overwhelmed right now, and like he doesn't measure up, which could be why he's avoiding you," or
"He can't apologize because he feels too ashamed.  Pretending like nothing happened is better than not having a relationship at all," or
"It would be wonderful if they came to visit, how can I help?"  Then I listen to what HE wants.

You mentioned the idea of making yourself scarce if your stepson and daughter-in-law came to visit.  I think I'd advise not to approach it that way, because it could sound like you don't want to see your stepson/DIL, which while true, could be interpreted as unsupportive of your husband.  I'd suggest flipping the script and making things about your husband.  Ask him how you can best support him.  You might say, "It's been a while since son has visited, how can I help?  Would you like some one-on-one time with him?  Would you like me to make a big dinner?  Would you like me to look after the kids while you go fishing?"  In other words, you help facilitate.  (I mention the one-on-one time because my husband has liked that, especially in a "reconnecting" moment, as opposed to a long visit or a family event, such as a birthday dinner.  In addition, if you make yourself busy with meal preparation or tending to grandkids, then you have less one-on-one time yourself with your stepson and DIL!)

I know, you feel like you're being fake, I've felt the same way sometimes too.  You fear that your son or DIL will find fault with you, something you do or say, and make baseless accusations.  But here's the thing:  you can't control their reactions.  All you can control is what you do.  In my opinion, if you support your husband, then that's what he'll see.  Even if he's upset by his son's rejection, he'll remember you tried your best to make him feel welcome and facilitate a visit.  After all, it's just a visit.  They aren't moving in, right?  If they asked to move in, then I'd have to think about that one.  Like I wrote earlier, I'm almost at the point where I wouldn't tolerate my BPD stepdaughter living with us again.  But I can handle a short visit, for my husband's benefit.  And I can tolerate whatever negative words his daughter invents, because I know exactly what she's doing:  inventing.  I can handle her criticisms because they are ridiculous, and I don't feel any guilt, as I have bent over backwards for her.  But her dad, in a FOG, can't handle her criticisms, which is what makes me mad . . .

What is the type of relationship?
Mother, trickled to sister and nieces

What is the status of the relationship?
I am the crisis manager, the fixer, the one attacked if I speak up.

How is the current status working for you?
It isn't, i am the one crying, not able to sleep

[What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Acceptance she will not change, setting boundaries for myself

How would you categorize your loved one?
Constant state of victim, no accountability. Mean,
Lack of reality,  picks favorites, unmotherly, selfish, lonely

What do you struggle with yourself?
Letting go, not jumping onto the tornado
Forgiving myself for not being able to help her

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Support. Learn more about her BPD and my role as the punching bag, I have been here all of 5 minutes and no longer feel alone
 Ty

I totally understand why you'd want to step into the background and away from the potential disaster of a meet-up.  But it would be good to support your husband in his time of need.  Yes, if asked, he would probably say he needs you by his side even if the day doesn't go well.

I would caution you that it's very possible that his son will cancel between now and then, though of course it would actually be by his BPD wife's demands.  The impression we have here is that he's been trying to appease his wife, an impossible concept.  Let time reveal what happens.

Would your stepdaughter be there too?  She might keep things calmer or it might trigger his wife.  We're remote and can't discern how much of a good thing that might be.

If the visit does happen, whether at your home or in some neutral location (a park perhaps) do natural things families do... take photos of the kids, parents and grandparents.  Yes, even stepson's wife.  To lessen the risk of his wife's upset and/or control, let stepson use his dad's phone, or yours.  Or his sister can do so, if there too.  This way, once the day is over, the phone with many photos and clips of the grandkids will be in your hands, not locked away elsewhere as ransom at the whim of a volatile spouse.

As you can see, some advance strategy is quite helpful.

Not sure where to start. Just sad, confused and utterly broken as to why my mother never sought help. Tired of being crisis manager and sad it continues to tear our family apart. Feel alone and confused

Another piece of advice is that you are hurting a lot, and so are other members of your family. This is completely valid. My BPD mother went all out in terms of hurtful and damaging behavior- at a time when I was grieving my father.

I didn't go NC but I decreased contact- for my own emotional recovery. Neither you or the other family are in an emotional space to deal with your sister. That is OK.

I went to therapy. I recommend this for anyone dealing with a pwBPD. The counselor urged self care- turning the focus on me. It's also good advice to not make big relationship decisions when someone is in a state of feeling hurt and grieving. You may need the distance for your own well being, that is OK to do, but reacting, anouncing to your sister, - she's in a dysregulated state.

This is not about placating your sister, enabling her or giving her a pass on her behavior. This is about taking care of yourself however, you feel you need to. You don't announce to your sister that you are brushing your teeth, or going to the gym. These are self care things you do for you. Taking some time to yourself can be in this category: personal and private.

It may be that there can't be a relationship but by keeping your focus on you, taking the time you need to do self care- you will be in a better position to handle the situation however it goes.