NotWendy,  it feels like positive movement forward.  It's important to me to to practice some new behaviors before I'm called to use them with my S when he is in an emotional state. So I'm looking at how I act in caretaking or codependent ways with others, like my H, siblings or friends and am practicing boundaries, or assertive caring actions... I think I need to lighten up a bit because this is exhausting.  Good but a lot of work.  LOL
This forum is a Godsend to find support and to hear honest feedback that can be hard to hear at first but cuts through denial and fantasy. 

I don't think it's possible to make sense of what a disordered person does- and 16 years doesn't make much sense either.

I think it will always feel hurtful to some extent, when family members do/say hurful things. I think we hope things could be different and each time something like this happens, it's a reminder that it didn't, that they are who they are instead of who we wished they could be.

That we can then process this and not let it affect us as much is progress. Perhaps measuring this against not feeling any sadness at all isn't a fair comparison. That you don't wish to be at this event and didn't let it get you too down is progress.

Thank you Notwendy for sharing your feeling about the big family gathering for the Celebration of Life for my aunt over 5 years after her death. The internment service will also include burying the ashes of my uncle, her husband, 16 years after his death. My cousin did not like her mother and is a narcissist. I am wondering if having the Celebration of Life for her mother bothers her because her mother's life will be the center of attention.

I don't know why it's anyone's business. I'm sure if the two of you had some work to do where you had to communicate- you'd keep it strictly business. So if you don't- there's no reason to seek her out at work and have an update on your life outside the office.

People who haven't experienced being closely connected to someone with BPD don't get it- as the pwBPD often can hold it together in a more public, less close situation. So I don't even try to explain, it would just reflect poorly on you if you did.

Maybe a reply if they ask "I just want to keep my focus on the job" is about all you can say and hopefully they will just let it go.

It sounds like you are doing some self care- not drinking, keeping a healthy weight and investing in your own well being. It's good you are doing that.

Personally- I think it's weird. Also, I don't know of any culture or religion in which someone would wait to have a funeral/celebration of life 5 years later. Rememberance is encouraged but funerals and services are usually in the immediate time after, when grief is new and acute.

Thank you for responding and your insight. She is not diagnosed as BPD, and that has been part of my struggle through the years. So much of her behavior has been normalized in my family system. It's as much the normalization in my family as what I suspect is her uBPD that had a huge impact on me - particularly as the one that was the scapegoat and the target/object of most of her "splitting" behavior early on (until I removed myself from the system). One of the things that triggered her through the years were the things just like this - she would make claims that simply were not true - but she would say it with such certainty and she would claim level of authority that no one questioned her ... except me. I've since recognized that this is likely *one* of the reasons why she targeted me so much, but at the time I thought nothing of it. The frustrating part was that no one in my FOO would acknowledge how off base she was...and she was clearly saying things that were untrue. Then it turned into her making claims that were more and more fantastical and unlikely, and she would assert facts about her and others' health that, if unchallenged, were dangerous. That's the first time all of this amped up to a whole new level - one that severely damaged our relationship, harmed my relationship with other family members, ultimately led to me distancing and going no contact with her for quite a while.

Thank you! Yes, I've learned the hard way over many, many years - and it took a lot of work to recognize the situation for what it is - and then even more work to accept it for what it is even as others in my FOO do not. I appreciate the encouragement - there are times I find myself slipping back into old habits. It's important to acknowledge the small "wins".

There are a few points I am known for making and one of them is that we seldom find Closure from the person with BPD traits (pwBPD).  Yet most of us attempt it anyway since we find it incomprehensible to just walk away.  In these confounding relationships it is far better to simply Gift ourselves Closure.

Years ago I read that it was common for therapists with BPD patients to need their own therapists in order to remain grounded.

Notwendy,
I agree it is not an event I would want to attend. I have distanced myself from most of my large extended family because of the flying monkeys and I really no longer enjoy being around most of my relatives. They are too narcissistic, abusive, and superficial  for me. I have spent years in therapy and soul searching. The truth is I now have very little in common with them. I like to be around honest empathetic people who are interested in learning, willing to grow. It saddens me greatly to no longer really have a family. At the same time, I am very grateful to all the kind generous people who have supported and challenged me to become a better version of myself.

Still I keep pondering if waiting over 5 years to celebrate the life of a deceased family member would be considered abnormal and dysfunctional in most cases. I can't think of any real reason for this particular delay. I would have been able to grieve at a Celebration of Life for my aunt 5 years ago, but now it just feels weird. What do you think?

Yes, co-morbidity is often mentioned here and is present more than many people think. However, if it isn't diagnosed - and it often isn't - then we just have to reach our own informed conclusions.