Hi there,

The pwBPD in my life used to claim that she suffered from all sorts of abuse, bullying and traumas.  At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  But over time, I learned that her version of events was generally distorted.  The fact patterns usually didn't line up.  Most of the time she would omit important details, such as her role in starting a fight or threatening violence.  Sometimes she would use projection; she would accuse others of "assaulting" her, when what really happened is that her parent called emergency services when she threatened self-harm.  Other times, she would be vague about the purported abuses, to keep people guessing.  But one thing was constant:  she always portrayed herself as a victim.  According to her, she was abused and bullied by everyone close to her, from siblings and parents to extended family, from roommates and workmates to ex-friends and romantic partners.  I think she experienced life as traumatic, and she was basically "primed" for a fight or flight response, even in ordinary situations.  Does that ring true in your daughter's case?

Here's my take.  PwBPD can have emotions that constantly feel overwhelming, and their default attitude is negative.  In addition, they are prone to over-the-top, often inappropriate outbursts and impulsive reactions with other people.  I think they feel deep shame for their behavior and choices in life.  But rather than take responsibility, apologize and move forward, they have a maladaptive coping mechanism, which is to blame others.  A typical way of blaming others is to claim abuse, even when there is none.  I think pwBPD will ruminate about negative social interactions so much that their brain will invent malicious intent and exaggerate harm.  She can spend weeks in this negative thinking loop.  She ruminates so much that her very identity becomes one of a victim.  If you challenge her, you're not just challenging facts, but her very identity.  Because if she's not the poor little abused girl, then who is she?

On these boards there's a lot of talk about validating feelings, and there are some scripts about what to say, such as "It must be terrible to feel you were treated that way."  You will be advised not to validate the invalid, and not to confess to something you didn't do, which is sound advice.  But here's the thing that I've experienced with the pwBPD in my life.  After "indulging" in her victim narrative through validation of feelings, I don't think that did her much good.  By validating her victim narrative, I think it encouraged her to dwell on it even more, and she got "stuck" constantly ruminating about negative thoughts.  The worse she got, the farther back in childhood she'd go to dredge up stories of supposed abuses.  It was clear to me that when the pwBPD in my life was "stuck" thinking about negative past events, she did not do well.  Conversely, when she talked about the present and future, it was a clear sign that she was doing much better.

I guess I'll wrap up by saying that you might be able to tell what's bugging your daughter by listening to her claims, reading between the lines so to speak.  If she says that other people are berating or disrespecting her, that could mean she feels inferior/insecure/childish.  (I frequently hear similar complaints from the pwBPD in my life, who feels very insecure about being "behind" her peers in school/life.)   If she says people are violent towards her, that could be projection about her wanting to inflict violence or self-harm.  In the context of a romantic relationship, if she's accusing her partner of infidelity for no reason, that could mean she's insecure in the relationship or thinking about infidelity herself.

I completely agree and in my case, I got it wrong for years before I ever started to get anything right.  Loving a BPD family member is so counter-intuitive at times because we forget that it's not actually about us.

For instance, if you and I get into an argument, and I say you're a real jerk...then everyone knows what the problem is.  It's obvious we're not okay and someone needs to be the bigger person.

For a BPD person though, they're so emotional that they might say something that they don't even believe just because they're hurting so deeply in the moment.  My BPD ex and my BPD kid have said awful things that they have no recollection of- they'd tell me off, I'd react badly, and then they'd tell everyone that I verbally attacked them out of nowhere, for no reason.

Or another thing that would happen frequently, they'd be ugly, I'd bite my tongue and walk away, and then many hours later they'd approach me happy like we're best friends.  I'm still simmering though and they'd see from my body language that something was way off.  So in their minds, they'd think that I was just having one of my moods and being mean to them...even though I never said a single word.

This happens every day, within every conversation, where we think we're being cool, calm, and collective yet we're sending the exact opposite signals.  That's where so much of the mess comes from.

Today though, if my kid is upset, she'll come to me and my body language shows love, compassion, and patience.  Before I even say a word, she knows that I'm on her side and in this fight with her.  Again, it makes all the difference in the world and it changes everything, because there's no longer anything to fight about.

Getting to this point is SO HARD because it requires to think differently than the rest of the world thinks.  It's radical acceptance and it feels so unfair at first, so demeaning.  But there is tremendous benefit on the other side of this because it can actually end the conflict, even if someone is untreated and refusing therapy. 

The key is realizing that they're sick and saying ridiculous things through pain; it's rarely meant to be personal and "fighting back" makes things worse because they can't see their own part in how you're feeling or reacting.  They only see that they're hurt and you're adding to the hurt by not understanding or supporting them in a tough moment.

The flip side of that is when they're down and unhinged, they see you with calm, confident support and they're drawn to it in order to level out.  I can't tell you how many times my BPD kid is amid a full meltdown and after we talk for 30 seconds, she's completely calm and rational.  All the nervous energy fades away almost instantly when she sees that she has someone that supports her and actually understands.

Again, I wouldn't dare judge anyone because I got this wrong for what felt like an eternity...and I dearly paid the price.  I only share this to affirm that there is hope in any of these relationships once the narrative is changed to something like, "Hey, I have your back no matter what....what's going on?"

It's so incredibly hard to get there, but it's absolutely worth it.

I could tell almost right away that you were an intelligent young man and that you were processing this in the same ways I did.  All logic and reasoning...which never led us to the right answers since the problem wasn't reason-based.

Yet you found the right answer in time anyway, that your ex is struggling and most of it is outside her control because she thinks differently.  That does deserve love and compassion because she does suffer.  I had a rough night last night ruminating about the past and I really needed this reminder, so thank you for that.

Again, the logic portions of our brain wants a neat, tidy answer when one doesn't actually exist.  It's so easy to forget that at times.

One last thing- the discoveries you've made aren't just about her, it's about you as well and it will serve you in future relationships.  I told you that I'm remarried now and at times, my wife drives me up the wall picking on me (in a loving way, but also playfully pushing my patience).  The old me would often give way to anger in these moments, but I've learned to take life in stride and accept the facts that actually matter- I love my wife and she loves me.

Through this time in your life, you will be a better husband and father someday because of what you learned.  Heck, you might be a better son today, just by understanding your parents more.  That's because you're actually grown past logic and circular thinking that the world can easily be painted in black and white.  You've grown, you've evolved, and it will serve you well in every aspect of life moving forward.

Hopefully we've helped you on this journey and I'm looking forward to updates in the future.  God bless you, my friend!

Thank you for replying. I'm so sorry you've been forced to become estranged from your grandchildren for so long.  I was very involved with my GC until a year ago when my BPD DD  isolated herself.  I am attempting to establish reconnection through their biological father who has them but so far have been unsuccessful.  Yes you're correct she left for a new partner.  She has stated it's forever and has had no contact with them.  They've only been told she left and nothing more as it's all still very new and I know the family is trying to get counselling for them and support at school to help them to process.  I'm struggling with so many conflicting feelings over it all and a profound sense of loss.

I think this is likely a very common scenario when approaching counselling for someone with BPD.  Her perception and feelings are real to her even though the abusive actions didn't happen.  One of the most painful things when I started learning about BPD was to keep reading it was often the result of an abusive family , especially the mother.  it took awhile for me to have that lightbulb moment that this is because of the self reporting of people with BPD who often create that narrative.  It would be more accurate and helpful if psychology stated that people with BPD often claim/report abusive pasts, rather than stating it as if it's a fact.  It will be so important to find the right counsellor to navigate this with.  I can identify with the no win situation this puts you in.  If you agree with her to keep the peace it only feeds into her narrative and reinforces her beliefs which could be very harmful and if you say it didn't happen she'll feel betrayed.  Practicing J.A.D.E. - don't Justify Argue Defend or Explain - has helped me in such dilemmas.  staying neutral and not engaging on the topic might be your best option.  I've been finding out in the last few months the claims my daughter has made about me (and others) and it hurts deeply but I don't challenge her about them.  I know the reality  and have let go of any need to try to convince her of it.  It's up to the counsellor to help your daughter sort through her feelings about her childhood and if they're experienced with BPD they'll know the traits that affect her perception.  I think this fear of people with BPD falsely claiming abuse probably keeps a lot of parents from reaching out for counselling so well done for being brave enough to support her in this. 

Thanks Kelis

The tool I’m feeling strongest in right now is slowing myself down before reacting.
There are moments where the past gets triggered for me, and instead of accusing or demanding reassurance, I’ve been practicing pausing, and approaching gently. It’s helped prevent a lot of emotional spirals.
The tool I want more practice with is validation + boundaries at the same time.
Basically, being able to say: “I understand how you feel, and I’m here,” while also holding my own emotional needs without collapsing them to keep the peace.
The conflict I think is most likely to come up is around my trust wounds from what happened in the separation. This is what I fear now, that in a way greiving that she wasn't who I thought she was.
I’m aware that I still carry pain from that, and it has the potential to resurface when we’re living together again.
Id like to address those moments openly and calmly rather than letting them build.
Not in a blaming way, but in a way that lets us stay connected even when something hurts.
Something like:
“I’m getting triggered right now. I don’t need you to fix it, just stay with me for a moment while I settle.”, however I understand that this also activates her shame and she can split because of that. I fear that if we dont heal together I will be forced to heal alone and I will eventually heal to a point I walk away. as much as I am excited for her to come back I have this tight feeling in my chest and a  lingering thought "am i doing the right thing here?". however something is stopping me from letting go.

For sure! I've come a really long way since that last message in learnings.

My struggle with OCD has been so long and so difficult. I have much more awareness now. Currently on anti-depressants consistently with really good results right now.

What did I learn so far? Let me explain it just how I realized this. I was walking and examining my own facial reactions, or how I react to being perceived (something I was working through for awhile). I noticed that I had trouble reacting neutrally. Reason is a deep rooted fear of my neutral face or what it means to others. I went down a rabbit hole that night. I realized that I'm allowed to react neutrally to situations. I'm allowed to observe my feelings and not react to them. I don't need to react to my feelings. I can process my feelings without reacting to them. With OCD the difficult aspect is when I get a thought, it's often intrusive and a doubt. It can be a doubt about anything. Typically the things that matter the most to me in a current moment. The way I learned to deal with it in the past is to "accept" the thought. Where I would audibly in my head argue and agree with the thought. However over time and a lot of processing, I realized that sometimes my thoughts cause a feeling and then I react to that feeling. In a way the thought can cause a feeling and a feeling can cause a thought. However I was CHOOSING to observe my thoughts and engage with them.

With this realization came more realizations. I now understand maybe only a strand of what my ex goes through. It's weird for me to look back at my own behaviour, I suddenly forgive myself and forgive my ex. I think this feels like true acceptance of the situation.

Mental illness is really not taken seriously. One of my hobbies is just reading a lot of neuroscience. I read this book "The tale of the dueling neurosurgeons" by Sam Kean. Just like physical wounds teaching us about our biology and how to properly heal wounds, mental illness is the abstract version of that. Through my own wounds healing from childhood OCD like a symptom of them is becoming more of an issue of the past.

I read a lot about BPD and the brain post this relationship. The way I understand BPD is a mental wound that happens in childhood most of the time. Or through other events in childhood. This mental wound impairs the brain in a way. The thing my ex went through which causes her to act out in these ways, it's difficult for me not to forgive her. I can't imagine the type of pain she goes through mentally to react in ways which reduce that hard. She's trying to survive.

After all, would we be angry with someone who has a deep wound and is thrashing around in pain sometimes? Because it's odd to us? I don't think we acknowledge as a society the reality of mental wounds. We're animals and the brain is a wonderful thing. However we're fundementally biological beings and that means our brains require as much care as any other wound.

So while my ex is response-able in a sense she is able to choose her response, in the same vain I won't discredit the absolute mental pain she goes through. Her brain is not at baseline where it's fundamentally easier to make the right choices.

I first forgave myself and then my ex. I truly hope and wish the best for her. We need to all take the brain more seriously. My heart goes out to everyone who struggles with mental illness. It's so difficult.

I agree with trying for peace as a goal. My post was more of a compliment to you than a disagreement. You were able to achieve this.

I made my post to show an example of when what we think is the best effort does not succeed in achieving our goals. It's hard to reconcile that if we don't it's not because we didn't try hard enough or that it's somehow a failure on our part, and also there is sadness for not having what we wished for.

I can say with certainty that all of us in connection with my BPD mother acted with good intentions. We didn't do this perfectly either but we did try. Unfortunately, for her, she couldn't perceive them as such.

I don't think the effort had no effect. It was worth it to decrease the drama and conflict, and also for the self growth this effort required.

There has been discussion about co-existing conditions with BPD that can make therapy and other interventions less effective. Perhaps this also contributes to how effective we are at improving a relationship with a BPD person.

For anyone who can succeed in this effort, I do commend them. I do wish it had been more effective for my BPD mother. She was very distressed due to her BPD. We wouldn't have wished that on her or anyone, actually.

NotWendy,

Thanks so much.
It’s definitely something I will need to deal with.
Please know I really appreciate it.

Jazz

Every situation is different and I wouldn't pretend to presume anyone else's relationship.  For my BPD relationships (daughter, ex wife, ex wife's family members, and potentially my own mother), love with very clear boundaries made all the difference in the world.

For instance, my daughter still has bad days and at times, she still says horrible things to me.  It's A LOT less than before and I can see she's trying to overcome BPD, but she might never get there completely.  And that's okay. 

What really makes the difference is that when she loses it, I'm mature and experienced enough to either stay silent and allow her to vent at first, then lovingly insert a boundary if it becomes too much.  The rants are almost never aimed at me though, because I'm seen as a clear ally that's by her side no matter what.  That's the part all of us have to overcome, the mental illness part that says, "this person is out to get me..." even when you're not.

I've done this with my ex, my daughter, in-laws, and even with my mom before she passed many years ago.  It was never perfect, but every single person knew that I was there for them and always had their best interests at heart.  And as trivial as that sounds, it changes absolutely everything because you're painted white and become an ally instead of an enemy.

That's the path all of us have to walk...live in hell, or come to peace with having to love a different way.  It is entirely possible though.  That's my only point.