Thanks @Notwendy, I really appreciate your answers. I read them multiple times, because I had to think a bit about them.

Actually, I don't know either if it's connected to BPD, you made me see that maybe it's just normal thoughts for her and other women, when their husbands pass.

Like in your examples, I recognise that she changes her mind all the time, so like when you offered to rent a truck to clean all the stuff your mother wanted help to remove, and then didn't wan't it, I guess my only lesson can be that she's in doubt, and - maybe  - I really have to wait for her to say that she wan't it done a certain date, bc then I will do it. But I can also hear, that I shouldn't begin the process every time she expresses her frustration about the carpet, the garden, the ...

When we had snow in january, my mother complained again, because her local and late maintenance guy didn't offer snowblowing any more. I contacted a guy I know on mom's street and asked if his kids would like to remove the snow for a fair amount of money. His 14yo daugther would, and soon I connected his daughter with my mom, and the daughter removed snow almost every second day, and I chose to pay her myself, because I could imagine that my mother could make a problem out of it, because the job took half an hour one day and an hour the next day.

Even though I kept the contact with tha daughter and she did the job fine, and I paid her, and my mom could actually forget everything about snowblowing, because I had solved the problem, so mom was covered just as fine as when she had her maintenance guy doing it.

But even though, my mother kept looking for the daughter every day, and kept control with her work, by looking out the window. And not in a pleasent way, by kind of to see if the daughter didn't do the job well enough.

To me it was kind of a reminder from my childhood where me and my sister always was controlled in the same way, like we were going to cheat and not do the job, and we always finished our jobs.  My mom and dad said they never were perfectionists, but at the same time they always controlled our jobs down to the smallest detail, like I now saw with the 14 girl removing moms snow.

And that made me understand, why I actually have become a perfectionist. It's not because I want everything perfect and that nothing is good enough, it's a method to avoid the critisism from my mom or dad after a job. If I did it really well, I thought I could avoid the critisism. And now as an adult, I'm spending hours on little details in every job I do, because it still lives inside me: that I will get critisism if the job hasn't been done better that perfect. And that's sad actually. Because I was a lot of hours fixing small details that noone would ever see or miss.

But actually your examples and reply has now helped me see that. That it's just one of my mothers 'it can never be good enough' cases and I can shrug it off, and I can defend the poor 14 yo daughter, who's now mowing my moms lawn and mom still give me comments about how the lawn was mown.

I guess I'll never get why dad (who has past) and mom always made such a big problem out of nothing, because if me and my sister didn't a job well enough, my parents could just have told us in a nice way and showed us. Instead it was always a game of "catching us" if the job wasn't done up to my parents standard.

I can shrug it off my shoulders now, so thank you @notwendy   All best Snoopy

I just looked up the plot online.  In a way, showing the way "complete love" or whatever he wishes for, actually manifests itself in extreme social dysfunction and brutal violence like that is brilliant.  But yeah, I don't need to watch it.  Sounds terrifying!

I experienced something kinda similar, in that when I would lose my temper I noticed BPDxw would calm down. 

I would immediately regret the loss of self-control, and think to myself that I had "sunk to her level."  Perhaps that's why she would calm down?  She felt a measure of control in that she had provoked an expected response from me?  Paradoxically, when I'd stay calm, she'd get more unhinged. 

I expected her to use my anger against me, like "How dare you talk to me like that!" kinda stuff, but no, she would just calm down.

It seemed like she grew up around that sort of behavior; her parents were always attacking eachother, cutting eachother down, and her mom would get very hysterical.  There was apparently physical abuse as well, although she claimed it was only one occasion.  I doubt it given that her dad had a drinking problem for a long time, and there was by her own account mutual infidelity throughout their marriage.  Maybe that's the only sort of communication she understood? 

A guy who knew both of us told me after we were divorced that she expected me to hit her.  That was a line I never crossed, and would not cross, but as sick as it is to say, I think there was something to that as well.  Some people who grew up with violence and extreme emotional conditions might get accustomed to them and find comfort in them.

Anyways, don't let fear of what could happen deter you from what you feel you need to do.  Prepare for it, but don't let it control you. 

It's your life, you only get one of them, and if you don't want to spend the rest of it with a disordered spouse, it's your right to say so, and do so.  You don't need another reason, and you don't need to justify it to anyone.

All of us here who endured these miserable relationships have earned that right, and in my opinion are beyond judgment of anyone else, whether they're deciding to divorce a BPD-spouse, or go no-contact with a BPD family member. 

I see a risk here that you feel you "can't pass by indifferently".  We can see that you're not an indifferent person, you have empathy and do try to help.  But there is a risk mixing an emotional relationship with a professional one.

Of course, members here are posting as peer support and not in any professional capacity.  I myself am not trained either as a mental health expert nor a family law attorney, so I'm an outsider, so to speak, looking in.  This is an observation of which I've become aware and have repeated here.


Here's a related observation I made recently after reading one of the books listed on our Book Club board.

Well, apparently I didn't just land on some landmark idea. Googling the movie's relation to BPD is everywhere haha the mood swings, anger, fear of abandonment even people with BPD were saying they could relate. I was telling my parents I went through stuff like that and they were just blown away haha

A year ago it looked very similar. She accused me of something absolutely monstrous, broke up, tried to "transfer feelings" to someone else. After some time, a fake account appeared, she started writing from it to explore the ground. When she knew I would take her back, she came back. The current situation seems similar, although now he officially has a partner and it's been almost 5 months. I think if by some miracle she tries to come back, I would be able to persuade her to therapy schemes. It's probably the biggest trap, but I feel sorry for her. As a psychologist, I can't pass by indifferently...

Welcome and sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment, rest assured that we know exactly how you're feeling as we've all experienced the same thing.


The fact that you mention you're still single is enough to keep her interested - though not necessarily for the reasons you want ie missing you and realising she's made a mistake and wants to reconnect. BPD's fear being alone and always want someone 'available' as an option if all else fails, or if their current partner is out of favour at the moment. Just because they try to get your attention does not mean they've 'saw the light' and know what they want. Sadly, they will play people - and their emotions - to get what they need at the moment.

Regarding her 'taking the first step', that's highly unlikely as, even though she may have caused the break-up, she will never admit it directly. She will aways be 'the victim'.

Yes, she may make you aware she's still there, such as checking your internet posts, casual texts, etc but don't hold your breath expecting a solid 'I was wrong, can we talk?' message.  My exBPD would never apologise or initiate actual contact but she would come into the pub where she knew I'd be and expect that to be her sign of apology. I - the innocent one - still had to go to her and make all the effort to get talking again and, idiot that I was then, I always did it.

As others have said, without her seeking professional help and being determined to see it through this will be the utterly draining and chaotic cycle you'll always get.

I think I mentioned on one of the streams that I'm single, but that's it. I think that even if she wants to come back, she has to take the first step. As for her nickname, what does she want to know?

Just some ideas on this dynamic. While it seems your boyfriend is not respecting your wish to not discuss his interest in his person at work, consider why this feels hurtful to you. It feels hurtful because you have strong feelings for him. This is normal, it's human nature- and when we have strong feelings for someone and they don't reciprocate them- it feels hurtful.

He has feelings too- for someone else. We can't control anyone else's feelings. His feelings matter to him, just like yours matter to you. What you feel as disrespect, he feels as you wanting more from him than he is able to give you at this time. While what he said about needing you to be an "easier" girlfriend felt disrespectful, but it's also what he feels he needs.

When we are discounting our own needs, in order to meet someone else's, we can feel hurt, anxious, resentful. These are normal, human, feelings.

On monogamy- and I am not being judgmental or moralistic here- there are many reasons for this, and one of them is that when we have strong feelings for someone, it's an emotionally vulnerable situation. Monogamy helps us to be able to be vulnerable in a safer situation- when two people chose this- we worry less about them having feelings for someone else. It's not foolproof- nothing is, but it's safer emotionally.

Monogamy may seem repressive, restrictive- why not be free to love whoever you want, as long as everyone agrees on this? We can choose this but the consequence is a higher risk of feeling hurt, jealous, neglected, when the person we have feelings for also has feelings for someone else.

Think of it like driving. In which situation is someone the least likely to get hurt? When there are red, yellow, and green traffic lights and everyone is driving by the same rules or when there's only yellow and green lights? When you opened your relationships, you replaced the red light of "no other person" - with yellow ones. Yellow lights still have rules and agreements, like you have with your husband, but they aren't as absolute.

You and your husband seem to have a calmer relationship as you both agree on the same rules for being together. Your BF on the other hand, doesn't seem to be "driving" by the same rules completely. He wants an easier, less committed situation- and it feels hurtful. That's understandable but you want yellow lights and he wants green ones.

Whether or not your BF has BPD or NPD- this kind of situation feels hurtful to
you and raises your anxiety. This is normal- and this is one reason why people choose to be in an intimate relationship with people who agree on the same "rules"- however, you designed them. Some disagreements are negotiable- like what to eat for dinner, what movie to see, because the consequences of compromising don't leave us feeling hurt and anxious. This one does- so the choice is- stay with this person, and feel like you do- or decide this isn't something that works for you.

You can choose who to be vulnerable with. This one is hard, because the two of you have a connection from a very special time in your lives- school, best friends, but each of you is older and in another place in your lives now. You may always have sentimental feelings and genuinely care for this person, but being romantic with him caused you to feel emotional distress- then and now. You can always re-evaluate this situation.

Have you had any contact?  Or is this purely stalking?  If she's popping into livestreams, I'd talk to her directly (without talking to her directly, if you know what I mean).  Talk about being single and waiting for the girl you love to reach out and come back into your life.  Or say the opposite if that's how you feel.  But I'd let her know that you know anyway.