Hi there,

My read of the situation is that your ex misses you, or maybe she just misses being in a relationship and getting attention.  But because she has BPD, she is has a few traits and habits:

*She's extremely insecure
*She creates drama and volatile relationships everywhere
*She feels she's always a victim and blames others for causing her problems
*She's easily upset and triggered, and she actively looks for (or invents) reasons to be upset about
*Her thinking is generally negative (assuming the worst of others and herself), as well as highly emotional, which manifests as disordered and seemingly illogical thoughts

So "conversations" with her tend to devolve into false accusations and circular arguments.  She seemingly deliberately misinterprets whatever you say in your defense, because she sees everything with a negative lens, and she'll project ill intent onto you, no matter what you do.  Even if she initiated a break-up, she has a victim mindset and will blame you nonetheless, and she'll concoct some irrational rationale, too.  It may be that she LIKES arguing with you, because that way she gets your attention.  For her, negative attention is still attention.  If she's really vindictive, she might try to PUNISH you for making her feel bad, in a misguided attempt to make her feel better.  For pwBPD, her distorted thinking might make her believe that causing others pain will ease her own, or at the very least teach you a lesson, so that you get a sense of the pain that she's feeling.

You might be reminded to avoid JADE, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.  When someone with BPD gets riled up, their emotional brain overtakes them, and they can't think rationally.  If you JADE when they're like this, they feel misunderstood and get even angrier, and they can spin out of control.  Sometimes the "conversation" can devolve into a tantrum.  Cue the storming off and silent treatment for an extended period.  She'll never apologize, because in her mind, everything is your fault.  She's really insecure and she'll always think you like other women more, no matter how much you reassure her.

Just my two cents.

This is the repeating cycle - the hamster wheel -  and no doubt has happened in all of the five previous relationships she's been in. Sadly it doesn't change, no matter how much we think that we will be 'the one' who makes the difference.

BPD's excel at taking things out of context and especially creating whole fictitious stories around totally innocent actions. This is their insecurity. You talk to another girl, however innocently, or even get caught looking at someone in passing and a whole fantasy is then created by the BPD that you're up to no good.

It's totally draining to try and cope with this and make them see reason, because they simply can't see it. We can't control their thought processes and their own 'world'. You eventually realise that you're in a repeating cycle and nothing you do can change it. It took me four years to finally realise this; I'd hoped for a miracle change in her which never happened - in fact, she got worse.

As PeteWitsend says, it eventually comes down to choosing to remain in the cycle which, without professional treatment, will happen again and again or putting yourself first and letting go totally of what was a toxic relationship that didn't benefit anyone.

Well, first of all, you're trying to understand the thoughts of a disordered person, and because you have an "ordered mind" you're taking the things she says at face value, and trusting she means them, when in reality, it's anything but that.  Case in point, consider this part of the exchange:

So a second apart, she's saying she's not enough for you, but then claiming you want to be with her?  How could she be seriously thinking she's not enough for you, but then stating you want to be with her? 

After a while, I started to realize that pwBPD use conflict as a means to an end.  I.e. they're not interested in actually making sense and resolving anything, they're using their words as a club to beat you into submission.  The intent is to put you on the defensive and get you apologizing and confused over which end is up, so they can "rewrite" your memory and force you to accept the reality they want. 

This next exchange, GAH!  This brought back painful memories for me. 

I've been in two relationships like that, where I was trying to talk, and they'd take one word I said out of context and use that to derail the conversation.  It's insidious!  And it's so frustrating... it's the opposite of trying to "work things out."  I think, along the lines of what I was saying earlier, it's an attempt to keep you on your heels, and reacting to them, rather than zeroing in on what the hell their problem is, and why they can't articulate anything consistently.  If you do manage to ignore the attempts to derail the conversation and pin them down on the issue and their behavior, you'll likely see them escalate - e.g. interrupting what you're saying to start screaming at you more or less incoherently until you shut up, or they'll hang up, or run away.  You're never going to get them to admit their behavior was the problem.

You have two options here: ignore her (politely or impolitely, it doesn't  matter), or keep running on this hamster wheel everytime she reaches out or attempts a recycle.  But if you choose the latter, at least understand that it's not going to change.  "This time" is not going to be different.

I'd never heard the term, "painted black" before, but it's exactly my experience.  My BPD wife is not diagnosed or getting help, and I deal with this type of "spilled water" scenario all the time.  Question: what's the best way to respond? I've tried validation along the lines of "i see this is very upsetting" and "it was not my intent" but that only escalates her. Only full confession and placating lowers the temperature, but it feels like I'm lying to myself.  Is there a better way?