Hi everyone,

It feels surreal to be posting here again. These forums were a deep sense of comfort for me (30 F) two years ago, when I suffered my first breakup with my pwBPD (31 M). He initiated it that time. We spent two months apart before beginning to repair and go on dates again. I learned so much in that time, and we truly came back together stronger and more stable than before.

For context -- he is diagnosed and has been in therapy for 4 years. He's also an alcoholic in recovery and has been sober for 5 years. I met him sober. He does care about his recovery but often doesn't take it as seriously as (I feel) he should. For example, he hasn't worked the steps in years, and doesn't practice DBT anymore with his individual therapist.

Almost two months ago now, I ended things with him. I had just bought my first home, and to make a very long story short, he deeply took away from the joy of that experience. From raging insecurities, accusing me of just buying a house to "have power and authority over others," constant comparisons, tainting joyous occasions, complaints over "how far behind he is in his life" .... Each time he hurt me, I'd attempt to communicate my hurt and express my experience. I was told I was being overly critical and that he "couldn't do anything right." Finally, he texted me "I hate you." Never once since I met him 4+ years ago had he said that to me. I ended it.

The ensuing ~2 months has been nothing short of devastating. My body feels on fire with regret and pain. I've turned so many old moments over in my mind, recognizing my own contributions to the relationship (co-dependence, and realizing the extent to which my behavior mirrors that of my emotionally abusive mother) with an indescribably searing shame... causing this breakup to be significantly worse than the first. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've lost interest in all the things that make me happy, and I don't want to take care of myself. I'm emotionally exhausted, and the contrast of now having this house -- something that should be a proud achievement -- but no one to share it with, makes my entire life feel empty and pointless. I wish I was exaggerating, but this is the lowest I've felt since I was suicidal and depressed ~10 years ago. I am typically a very strong and driven person with a good sense of self/self-esteem/self respect. Now, I feel like I am utterly weak with no sense of self-respect at all. And I miss him more than I can say.

Add to that that my BPD ex and I have been speaking, but are in constant limbo. After a brief initial week of NC, I went to his place and we spoke briefly. He said he deeply regretted saying "I hate you," and that the ball is in my court, that he feels terrible I'm not his gf anymore. He asked if we could talk more in another week once he returned from a business trip. I said yes. He then suffered a serious relapse scare on his business trip, and was intensely dysregulated/in episodes for ~3 weeks. I saw him a few times but we didn't speak much in between and he didn't emotionally dump on me during that time. He's been feeling more normal now for the last ~2 weeks. We weren't able to have any conversations about our relationship until very recently, last Thursday. I apologized for much of my behavior and described new tools I'd found to work on myself, should he want to repair as I wanted to. He said that he hasn't had enough time to think about things, is still very confused, and doesn't know what to do.

Of the times we've seen each other during the breakup, he has always told me he loves me, he misses me, he misses our family (no kids, just pets). He misses being my best friend and laughing with me, he misses all the good things. He's maintained that he feels lonely and craves love and comfort. He says he's confused because he doesn't know if he can handle being in a relationship at this time (especially since he is very career focused), and he isn't trusting that anything could be different if we were to try again.

I saw him most recently on Monday, when we determined it was too difficult for us to see each other while he was still unsure of what he wanted. We agreed to take a week of space and check in this coming Monday.

I know I want repair, and I so desperately wish for another opportunity to do better. I'm also so in the throes of this limbo period that I don't know what's best for me, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle the potential different outcomes Monday could bring. I feel so devastated and barely able to function, yet (similar to last time) I see him happy to jump into his career and he seems, from a distance, totally fine now that he's regulated. He's even told me he's happy, aside from missing me.

I don't know how to manage how I'm feeling, or pour into myself at this time. Any advice would be so, so helpful. Thank you in advance.

While not something to advocate (publicly) the reality is that many teens approaching adulthood do "vote with their feet" when the home environment is abusive, dysfunctional or unhealthy.  Not just to get out, but to find a healthier place.

At the least, it ought to be good for her son to seek a good counselor so he has objective input in his life.  Does his school provide counselors?

yeah, it happened in my case, and she kept trying to play coy and expected me to get upset, as though I cared that she was with someone else.  My only concern was for who was she allowing to be around my daughter.  I had more or less moved on well before we actually separated and filed for divorce and was happy to be out of there.  If it hadn't been for our daughter together, I don't think I would have ever spoken to her again after I moved out. 

ironically, when we divorced, she pushed for a "morality clause" in our temporary orders, stating that no members of the opposite sex were allowed to sleep over when our child was there.  She started violating this a couple months following our separation.  She had no concern whatsoever for anyone other than herself.

Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses, it really helps getting input from people who understand, and feeling like you've been heard.

I take everything that has been said on board, both with a sense of hope and a heavy heart, having confirmed that the feeling of being quite powerless isn't unjustified. I will read more here on the forum and take solace in having found a supportive and knowledgeable group. Above all, I will think of more ways that I can be supportive and present for her son.

Thanks for the responses.

Yes, the summary above is exactly what I'm dealing with.

Today, she is 24 and newly home (at her home - with a boyfriend) from a 2-week rehab.  She is intermittently motivated to work on things, and is starting 12 weeks of IOP tomorrow.  The trouble is that she doesn't have a job (she had to quit to go to the rehab and attend the IOPs.)  I have been giving her a bit of financial support, but I find myself being resentful about this so I know I need to stop.  In the meantime she is collecting more and more pets, which makes her less and less welcome in my home should she find herself needing help again.

She was living with her dad for 4 years, and only recently moved in with the boyfriend.  I fear her being left to fend for herself by her boyfriend, being forced to move in with me or my feeling like I should financially support her while she continues to flail or possibly even becomes homeless. 

This has been ongoing for many years and I know that I have likely enabled and therefore hurt her progress.  The fact that she went to rehab willingly and is in the IOPs on her own is good, but I don't want to rescue her financially.  I want her to try and figure out a way to work and do the classes. 

Not knowing really where to draw the line, how to balance being supportive with being enabling. 

I have noticed that when I stop over-indulging her with attention in response to her threats of suicide, she seems to find some inner strength so I know that is a key to this - let her struggle a little on her own.  I don't answer the phone when she calls, purposefully waiting 30-60 minutes before responding, which is often the difference between her having an emotional outburst and her being able to think rationally.  I want to look forward to seeing her again though.

Any thoughts are helpful.

Inforthelonghaul

Oh god, I welcome this if it means I get to move on

Mentally, I'm preparing for all the possibilities. Hopefully her DBT specialist aides keeping her anchored throughout. Fingers are crossed, mind is guarded, heart is in recovery mode on a beach somewhere.

Thanks for the advice. If I understand you correctly - you are suggesting I do this to remind myself there is likely not a positive outcome to this conversation.
I continue to be stuck in a difficult spot when it comes to communicating with her. While I feel like I am gaining some clarity, I still have a very strong urge to connect with her. I tell myself it's for the right reasons, but I am not sure I can trust that part of my brain right now.

Prepare yourself for being "recycled" quickly. 

I would say that it's easier for a woman to find a man and get hooked up than vice versa, but I don't know if that's true or fair.  I can say with some certainty that it's definitely easier for a person with no standards and no qualms about using people to get hooked up quickly. 

Depending on what shared assets and debts there are, a divorce mediator may be unable to succeed.  Let me restate that... Most of us tried mediation, after all it is a required second step in a divorce, after the initial temp order.  So don't be disappointed if it ultimately ends with a stalemate.

However, most of our divorces do eventually end in settlements.  That is partly due to the multiple steps in a divorce but more likely due to the court willing to put off making rulings or decisions and instead allow repeated continuances.  (Judges don't like making decisions since they don't want an appeal to a higher court to reverse a decision.)  It's as if the court is a reluctant referee stating, "Be adults, you can work this out, so just do it."  Alas, our cases don't involve two reasonably normal adults.


It is nice to have normal conversations with overall positive people, isn't it?  But we are wise to avoid getting into another relationship before we have a measure of recovery from this one.  How to know when we are rebalanced and ready?  One way to realize this might be an undesirable rebound relationship is if we keep talking about all the crazy making experiences with our new ex.  Better to work those aspects out with a counselor.

All good stuff.  You're putting yourself first and you're creating a plan to move forward.  Either she agrees to it or she doesn't.

The biggest part is that you're healing while going through this process; that's the hardest aspect and you're handling it like a champ.  You'll continue to gain clarity as this process unfolds as well, week by week, you'll be a little bit more you.