I checked the local PD, and they don't have a police blotter on their site, or at least one that's public.  And this being a rural area, there's no newspaper or reporting going on.  I did find a website that tracks official accident reports and didn't see anything in the area that matched the description of her vehicle or the incident on that date, or the next day, if they reported it late.

I've paid a PI to see what they can dig up about this, if anything, and any other calls to her address over the years. 

It appears to come down to whether the homeowner who's mailbox was hit would call the police and at least file a report so there's something in the system, or just replace it. 

As far as getting CPS involved, I know they've been called a couple other times on her home due to excessive noisy fighting and arguments.  They didn't do anything and closed the file each time.  In this case, I could see it going nowhere again, as there's no evidence she was drinking (other than my daughter's testimony), and even if they buy it, I could see them concluding it was an isolated incident (it was her wedding day) and wouldn't happen again.  Everytime I've had contact with school counselors, CPS, etc. it seems like they're looking for an excuse to do nothing. 

*cue 'Twilight Zone' theme music..

I'm looking through the site and reading this thread.. while sitting listening to all the songs that were in the charts when I was with my ex-BPD and reliving the good - and bad - memories. I do this sometimes but I'll quantify it be saying that I always use music to relate to past times - a song takes me right back to a time/situation/ex gf.

Pook has it right, it's important to look back and see the whole picture, not just the BPD content. I was having a great time in those days whether with or without my exBPD and I don't let my bad experience with my ex spoil all the memories/ 90% of it was great; she was the bad 10%.

I can relate to the 'ghostly' aspect though - after a BPD experience we're all left wondering 'was any of it real?' We know it happened but still feel there was something dream-like about it. Ever wake up from a highly realistic dream and it takes a few seconds to realise it only was a dream and not reality? I think a BPD's actions can be like that as we ask ourselves 'did they really do that??'

Hi and welcome. I think I can say that everyone here has experienced the same thing as BPD is such a scripted illness and on the whole tends to run the same way for everyone with it's constant 'love you / hate you' switching.

As for being the 'final discard' it may or not be as some BPD's do cut off for good but many will try to keep you 'on the substitutes bench' in case they have nobody else current in their lives. BPD's don't want to be alone and can show a very callous disregard for people's feelings as they seek to satisfy their wants of the moment. They'll get back with you or drop you yet again according to their current emotional state.

If you continue to engage then you'll aways be seen as an option and she will keep the game going. From what you wrote there are serious trust issues with her fidelity - which are sadly unlikely to change. What you see now is usually what you will continue to get.

She will definitely be jealous that her daughter wants to see you. When a BPD is ignoring someone they want everyone else to do it too, to give them validation. I had the same thing in my 4-year BPD relationship. if she was speaking to me then all her friends did too but as soon as the painted me black they all did too to keep onside with her.

Are you intending to contact her or wait until she contacts you? Both can have disadvantages in that if you chase after her it can make her feel overwhelmed and she'll retreat more. On the other hand, as you've already seen, if you do nothing then you're not 'fighting for her'.  Can't win whatever we do!

Thanks for sharing.

You could always have dreams come true with another person, if they are more emotionally stable, yes?
But there is probably a middle ground between dreams and reality that can be a little elusive :-)

Congratulations!!

Hi mom!

Just remember that "feelings are not facts!"

For instance, my daughter made a comment the other day that her credit is ruined because of me.  She begged me to co-sign on a car, she blew up the car's engine by ignoring the check oil light, then the car was repo'd when she couldn't afford to fix it.  Her credit was ruined because she was highly irresponsible. 

Again, feelings are not facts.  However, BPD feelings can lead to them saying horrible things when they feel bad to make others feel bad too.  It's your choice whether or not to listen to that stuff.  Also, that doesn't mean that they've always felt that way or that they even believe it's the truth themselves- they're just projecting their pain so it can't be their own fault.

You could look for police blotters etc to find any evidence of the auto accident (if there was some kind of collision).

You could also call CPS and tell ask them in a theoretical sort of way. When my ex and I were still together, he had started to pass out while caring for the kids. I called CPS about it. Their reply was that they expected me to basically intervene and manage the situation to keep the kids safe, since I was the safe parent in the household, or I could seek to get the other parent removed. It was clear to me that the situation wasn't something I could manage so I got him removed.

Dear Broken Mom 2,

My heart goes out to you.  How excruciating.

Obviously, I don't know what kind of mom you were.  But I do know that if she's saying you abused her but you didn't, then she is not a reliable narrator. And I also know that the fact that you can't take her pain away doesn't mean you are failing her; that's the reality of bpd.

Do you have a therapist who understands bpd and its effect on families helping you?

Yes I have had the same experience. I remember a mix of negative and positive memories, and it's extremely confusing.  Towards both me and the kids.  sometimes when I remember a lot of positive things I have to actively remind myself of the negative things. There are things the kids are able to do now, very basic things like having play dates or going to camp or getting certain kinds of health care, that were never allowed or I was intimidated into feeling were impossible when we were together.

"Haunted" makes sense to me too.  I still struggle to totally reconcile the good and the bad. The good / peaceful times always made me feel like okay, it's over, things are going to be okay.  But the bad would always come back.

I am just so heartbroken, my daughter has told me I have never been the mom she needed and she has never felt loved in her life. I am trying so hard to be there for her but everything I do is never good enough or the right thing.I feel like I am the reason she is the way she is, maybe I wasn't a good mom. I know I did the best I could but once her father had an affair and left 14 years ago when she was 10 she has blamed me for everything it feels. My children were my everything and I only ever seen myself as a mom and nothing more. It wasn't until I met my current partner that I have realised I can be more then just a mom.
I just don't know how to respond to her negative messages anymore she even went so low to say that the reason she was triggered as a kid was because I abused her. That hurt so much because I have never abused either of my kids, but just the though of her feeling that way makes me sick to my stomach. For 10 years I have taken her putting me down, blaming me for everything that has ever happened to her and physically hurting me leaving me with bruises. I don't know if this is her BPD talking but it is killing me to know this is what she is feeling. All I have ever wanted to do was protect my kids and I can't take this pain away for her and I am feeling like I am failing her once again.
I tried to give my kids a wonderful childhood, doing Disney trips every year, coaching and managing hockey teams for them and staying home with them until they started school. So it hurts to know how she feels about all of it. I just want to fix everything for her but I don't know what to do anymore....

That sounds super difficult!

I think it's likely that he will continue acting out for a while through the breakup. Leaning on your resources to maintain sanity is good. You will have to keep an eye on whether the situation is physically and mentally safe for you.

If there is any option to move out - even if you need temporary public benefits or something - it's a good idea to be aware of your options.

While you are there, leaning in to the boundaries may help. Maybe as if he is a roommate that you don't know. Do you have your own bedroom?  Try to set up your own space for sleeping, hanging out etc. Maybe line up some media (books / audiobooks, movies etc) or other individual activities to tune into while you are home.  Maybe identify some safe and relatively low demand / rejuvenating places to hang out, like friends' homes, public library, coffee shop, etc so you get some space from the home situation and have a good go to if things get intense.

Do you very best not to get pulled into arguments, physical contact, etc.  It's likely that he will try to bait you in. Practice ways to gracefully exit the conversation and avoid venting, lending him support, etc.

I'm sure it will get better from here but I know it's hard while you are feeling not the strongest.