Abuse is abuse, and the only people who reach indifference to it are clear victims.  As you said, you're not interested in being a victim so that's not your path forward.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, is one of the hardest things to do and one of the easiest at the same time.  I too carried grudges from bad treatment from my BPD kid, and it got so bad at one point that I'd almost obsess over it.  Can you believe what she said?  What type of person does that to someone else?  It was always in the back of my mind as I tried to solve the equation that we call Borderline Personality Disorder.

My breakthrough came similar to yours where my daughter apologized sincerely around 23 years of age.  It shocked me at first because an apology takes the realization that you're doing something wrong.  And over the next few days, it sort of ate at me- why was I always so mad at my kid when she's clearly sick?  Eventually, I was able to accept the apology and literally let all that frustration go.

Today, I don't have an active role in my daughter's life.  If she needs me, she can call anytime and I'll do what I can to help.  But at the same time, I'm not caught up in her drama or sucked into that daily cycle of abusive comments and blame.  For me personally, it's the best of both worlds and I no longer carry any kind of ill-will towards her.  She's sick and doing exactly what mentally ill people with BPD do.  I don't let that bother me anymore, even when I do occasionally get told off on a call.

Do you think it would help the conversation to keep things focused?  So for example, he brings up something like the potato salad incident.  Ask him why he brought that up, and redirect the conversation on the discussion at hand.  He complains about the church.  Leave it up to him: "okay, we're not going to Church we're going to a birthday party.  What is your point here?  If you feel they're inconsiderate of you because they attend the church you don't like, you don't have to go.  I don't feel the same way because I know [insert: whatever nice things they've said about him].  If I really felt like they were inconsiderate to my husband, I would not want to go see them."  Or something like that?

You have to keep in mind the bigger picture when you have these conversations, like a mental roadmap, to keep them on track.  Maybe consider some mental trigger to remind you, "Oh, we're talking about family. Better go to my mental checklist of how to handle this."  Otherwise they successfully drag you into the mire, and derail everything with a bunch of petty arguments and nonsense.  

If you do it right, they shouldn't feel attacked; they should feel ridiculous with some of the stuff they say (like bringing up the potato salad in a discussion about attending a family birthday party), and drop it.  

Of course, it never ends, but might reduce the amount of time these painful discussions take.  

Hello,
This is my first time ever posting in a forum. I am a 48 y/o daughter of a BPD mother. I have gone No Contact for 4 years now. I do not regret my choice. However, from time to time, I wonder if I should ever reconnect with her when she is elderly or if she becomes ill.
I have a large family, most of whom still live close to her. 2 siblings are favorites, 3 of us were scapegoats (one sister died of an OD), and 3 siblings were basically invisible. So if my mother ever did become sick or frail, she would still have family to care for her.
My question is, has anyone ever ended thier No Contact, and what was their experience? I don't have any expectations that our relationship will magically heal, but I wonder what the experience and aftermath could be like?

I have been reading as much as I can on this site. One thing I struggle with is resentment, maybe I am overthinking it but there it is. 
Since I was a child I rarely ever saw my own father be happy, he was a grump and an alcoholic. When times were good however he was on cloud nine and loved everyone. When they were bad according to him they were bad, and everyone was bad.
In my later years I grew to resent the man, and all the crazy making he made for my enabling mom and myself. I needed his protection and guidance and instead I got his onslaughts of verbal abuse. While I also had an emotionally absent mom. Parentification of my younger self was also something they did, wherein I had to help raise my 3 much younger sisters. While they worked and scraped by to put food on the table while any money we had my father would put it to his needs, alcohol.

As I got older and my sister’s grew, the oldest of the 3 was mentally hard on me. One minute she was my biggest little fan and the next she would literally tell me she hated me. She would purposely destroy my jewelry, make up, or take my things.
My reactions were always the issue not the reason why I would be upset.
One time I was visiting my parents and sisters and we were having a nice conversation, when this sister looks at me with coal black eyes and tells me she hates me over and over in front of everyone. I will never forget this because immediately I was looked at like I had done something to her in secret.
At the time I was shocked but I down played it and acted like it wasn’t a big deal, but I was so hurt.
This is the first time I realized how much hatred one person can have for another in a real almost wicked way. Fast forward, I don’t have a relationship with this sister at all. She left her 4 children and husband to be with another woman and essentially cut us all out of her life. My father’s dying wish was for us all to be reunited, but how can we if she was the one who left us.
I told my mom I refuse to take responsibility in any way for her decisions. In my poor mom’s mind I have Obligation and should have Guilt, why can’t I just be nice, why can’t I be the good parent sister I was before?


Having a son that is hot and cold, up and down with his own emotional dysregulation and becomes unhinged on me has left me feeling resentful. I feel like all I want is peace and calm and these people who I am supposed to love unconditionally and I do, do nothing but take and beat everyone up mentally with how hard they are.
I am not as quick to forgive anymore, I don’t move on as quick and I don’t want to get past the garbage they pile on me. When I do forgive, especially with my son I am left feeling with the fact that I don’t want an active relationship with him. Just like I came to the conclusion with my own sister whom I raised and loved dearly. I don’t want it.
My own unBPDson reminds me so much of my sister in many ways. Sadly.

This past year, I found myself either stonewalling him or grey rocking because I don’t want to walk on eggshells and I don’t want to be treated like I deserve less than just because they split and they can’t help it. 
Last July I didn’t talk to my son for over a month. When I was in another state on a trip I got a long message of how sorry he was for having talked to me the way he did. I did not respond and it took me a whole week after to have the calmness I needed to even talk to him. He was sincere in his apology at the time and said he would be better...not only did that not happen it has gotten progressively worse.

After his past weekend crashout, that we had to get police involved I feel the same way and worse, I don’t want to be even in the same house as my son anymore. I can love people from afar and I do love myself enough to not engage in his rage baiting or his accusations.
But, how does one get to the point of absolute indifference to the BPD abuse and everything that comes along with it?

People with this condition suffer from extreme emotions and unrealistic demands of relationships. For some unknown reason I have been the point of contention for these people with cluster b like issues. Which is almost inhumane and devastating to our own nervous system.
Having to process their abuse my conclusion stands as is, I don’t want it.
Not from my son, or anyone.
I am not a victim of anyone’s if I choose not to be, but I do have a keen sense of awareness of my own fragility and short comings. One being I can be a resentful person and I don’t even want to have that in my head anymore. I don’t like carrying that in my heart or act out of that headspace of being resentful.

If you have any resources send them my way.

These are all good suggestions. I agree with giving her the option to attend or not. This is confounded by her recently going no contact with only me, and she is now using the graduation to triangulate the family re: who will be doing what aspects of celebration where. Lots of gatekeeping by the BPD kid.

Another option- make the day special no matter who comes to dinner. I am glad you have a party planned later. Still have the dinner with your D and she can be your focus.

I recall a college graduation where my parents started arguing during a graduation lunch. He and BPD mother returned to their hotel together, presumably to continue their discussion? I spent the rest of the day on my own.

By getting into an argument, the focus was on that, and BPD mother, not on me, the graduate. I don't recall every argument they had, and don't expect to have been the center of attention all the time, but I recall this day because, it was my graduation.

My guess is that your BPD daughter takes a lot of focus for you and the family with her drama. If it were me, what I'd say is that- your child wants your attention, and your time and your focus on this day. That's probably the main thing for her.

No problem at all, please continue to talk this out and let us know how you're doing.  While this is merely peer-support, having someone that's "been there" and understands can sometimes be so valuable.  I'm currently living in the Philippines so I get it; being away from home with medical stuff going on is extremely stressful.  It took me a few years to figure out healthcare here.

One possible explanation for what your H is saying is that, if one sees things through victim perspective- then there's something that, to them, is evidence or confirmation of this perspective, even if it has nothing to do with them.

Your H is not the reason why your parents chose their church. They likely did it because they like the service, they have friends in the congregation, and other reasons. That your H had difficulty with that church wasn't even a factor but due to his thinking, this "confirmed" it.

It may not even be the church that was the problem. Churches are made up of people, all kinds of people, and this requires relationship skills. But to your H, the problem is the church, not his own interpersonal issues.

The comment about the potato salad is an example of a kitchen sink argument- throwing in every thing but the kitchen sink into an argument, so not on topic- just one thing that came to mind. It's OK to not like everything at a pot luck, that's why there's lots of choices. So if someone didn't like the potato salad, that's their choice. Your evidence is- did it get mostly eaten- if so, then in general, people like it.

BPD mother would often back out of planned get togethers, even one where I planned it for her, she decided she might not go, and then changed her mind and went. While you are trying to minimize damage, consider that- if this is his thinking, his anxiety- he's going to see some "reason" for it that is external to him due to projection, victim perspective. It's not possible to change someone else's thinking.

I think you're doing the best you can with this- but it is his decision and you can leave it up to him. Saying you are willing to visit his family if he wants to make plans together isn't "dumping" it on him- it's letting him be responsible for visiting his family. Invite him to go with you to your family events, and let him be the one to decide to go or not. So he complains- that's his thinking. It doesn't make it true.

I wasn't aware of all that went on with extended family when I was a kid, but hearing about it now- BPD mother didn't invite her own family over much and also didn't visit my father's family much either. Mostly we went to his family with my father or when we were older and could go on our own, someone dropped us off. The point being- maybe she didn't want to go, but we still went anyway when we could and we were able to form relationships with them. This is something you can still do.

SS15 is a teen age boy, and we all know that teens have not fully developed their brains. Teens tend to be more peer oriented, and also may be critical of the adults in their lives- they think they know it all. What he thinks now, may be different later.

Hi there,

Unfortunately, pwBPD often "ruin" important events for others.  I think it's because they can't handle seeing other people happy, as it's in stark contrast to their misery.  In essence, pwBPD can't be happy for others when they're not happy themselves.  When it comes to a sibling, they are extremely jealous--of parental attention, of the sibling's accomplishments, of any gifts or compliments received.  And they can't just keep quiet about it.  They tend to "spoil" things, by acting out to reclaim attention, even if it's negative attention.  It becomes sadly predictable.  You know the expression, Misery loves company?  I think that with BPD, misery loves miserable company, which is why she tries to spoil things.

My solution for this sort of situation has been to invite my pwBPD to events, but not to make her presence obligatory.  More often than not, she'll stay away, because by now, she knows she can't bear it.  I think that if your BPD daughter stays with her brother during the event, that's actually a good thing, as it reduces the amount of time she witnesses how much parents are gushing over her little sister for graduating.  If she doesn't want to attend a family dinner--fine.  If she doesn't want to attend the ceremony--fine.  In a way, by self-selecting to distance herself from her sister when she's graduating, your BPD daughter might actually be avoiding intense feelings of jealousy and potentially avoiding a total meltdown.  Her mood might vary from hour to hour, so she just doesn't know yet if she can "pull herself together" during the event.  My solution?  Don't force her.  Don't guilt her by saying, "Your sister will be devastated if you don't attend / Your sister attended your graduation; the least you could do is support her, too."  Let your BPD daughter determinine how much she can handle.  I think, the less she's around, the more you can focus on your graduating daughter and make the milestone special for her.

I know it's disappointing, believing you can't even have your entire family around the table to celebrate a happy occassion.  I get that.  But don't beat yourself up, because you have a daughter with BPD who just can't handle that right now (without making a scene).  I'd advise, give her the option to bow out and keep her distance, which is probably all she can handle right now.  Think of it as an "adult time out."  My guess is she's in her early 20s, which is probably peak BPD dysfunction time.  She need lots and lots of adult time outs.

I think this is a reasonable solution if your kid simply must have access to a smartphone.  I like the implication that it's not the kid's phone--it's really the parents' phone.  Access remains in the open--not in the bedroom, especially at night--and the parent can check activity at will.  The parent can remove the phone to avoid too much time lost to screens.

However, in practice, the above might lead to an environment of constant bargaining/discussion/nagging about phone use.  I'd say, if as a parent you're sick of it, then it's 100% your right to confiscate the phone completely.  "It's not healthy to have a home dynamic where we're constantly arguing about a device.  I'm getting rid of it until we can get back to normal."  And basically, that's what my sister did by cutting off TV and internet in her house.  She just couldn't stand the constant arguments with her three kids.  That response might be considered extreme, but I think it did wonders for their childhood.  Without screens to suck up their days (and nights), there was time for crafts, reading, playing outside, play dates, drawing, skits, musical instruments, hikes, bike riding, sports, library visits, hobbies, etc.  It was probably hardest for my sister, who resorted to using her computer at the public library (which had free internet), but it worked for her and her kids.