And, also very importantly my son has enough on his plate and he doesn't need to feel pressure he needs to meet my expectations to be loved or accepted by me.

When your son is in a good mood and mentally stable (IE- not in a good mood because they're acting manic), that's the time to talk about real-life stuff.  If he's receptive, dive a little deeper...but not too much at once.  If he's not receptive or his mood suddenly shifts, back off.  This is your best chance of having these types of conversations.

Here's the other side of the coin though.  Your son knows the burden he is on you and he carries deep, hidden shame because of it.  He tries to justify his behavior (through mental illness) by pointing out how you owe him, how you've ruined his life, etc.  A part of him belives that while a part knows it's wrong.  So if you straight up call him out on a decade of abusive behavior, he's going to shut down (from shame) and/or lash out (from mental illness/entitlement). 

Neither of those things are helpful so again, baby steps here.

Think of it this way- why would you tell your son some of these things?

If it's to help him change, there are better strategies to achieve the same results.  If it's to validate your own feelings, then you're better off doing it here, with us, where the response is predictable.  I've been in your shoes and nothing is fair about this, I 100% get it.  Your son obviously doesn't get it.  So I'd really question your motives behind these types of chats each time you feel like having a talk and remind you that less is always better.

Now, if he's using drugs and hanging out with criminals...have the talk.  There's a clear, obvious reason to do so.  But if he's entitled and lousy at returning phone calls, that can be handled a different way without directly calling him out completely.  Make sense?

Zachira,  Thanks for clarifying for me. I understand. That's my issue for sure. Even if I don't react in front of my son, I'm dancing on the inside. That's a sure set up for a let down.

Hi hopefulbpdmom
Welcome and thanks for posting. I agree with you that the younger daughter’s graduation could well be a factor in any escalating BPD symptoms. When the focus turns to another, the BPD child/adult can experience intense abandonment. When my DD was a teenager and I noticed this she said it felt like she ‘was going to die’.

The experience of having BPD is something so hard to understand. It sounds like you have developed some really good skills. It is like walking a tightrope though isn’t it. I used to think of lots of ways to help my DD – wrong! I learnt the hard way that (a) I was the target of blame and (b) my initiating anything would set off the anger.

The self of the BPD person is so fragile, it can be challenged by the slightest thing. You have probably read lots of posts here where parents are grappling with how to respond to accusations that are not true. I found the key to understanding this was in the name of the condition – borderline. Apparently it stems from a mental condition that is on the border between psychosis and neurosis (a very difficult place to be!). All you can do when DD holds a strong belief that you spanked her is to just say calmly that you don't recall that.

It sounds as though you deal with it very well. You have been able to have family holidays and work through the inevitable meltdowns that come with the BPD territory. I am wondering whether DD will go no contact or whether this is a way of turning the focus to herself at this time?

I can only say how I would cope in this situation. I think it will be different for everyone because you know your DD and family. I would de-escalate wherever I could – I wouldn’t suggest anything, rather just do what you have been doing ie validate, leave the door open etc until after the graduation. As you say you don’t know how she will go no contact etc.

How long is it to the graduation and does your younger child understand BPD at all? I am thinking I would try to help everyone else stay as relaxed as possible so you can enjoy this moment in life’s journey.

Please post again with any update – this is certainly a place where the journey with a BPD child is well understood!

A person with BPD is known for their extreme mood swings. Yes, I am sure there are some happy moments. All I am saying is do not be happier for your son than he is for himself, as this can come across as being more motivated that he is to feel better.

So, I'm gearing myself for my conversation with my son on Sunday regarding my not giving him money. Hopefully he will be available. My therapist said it's best to have this conversation in person. That can be challenging with him especially if he senses I want to "talk" with him. I've been keeping it casual.
Notwendy- I'm definitely holding onto the image of a toddler tantrum when Mom says no more cookies.
CC43- I will slow walk and be mindful of my feelings and needs.
Zachira- are you saying that a pwbpd can't express happy feelings or call and say, "just calling to say hi and see how you're doing. And when asked how they are they say they're doing great. I agree this is rare at least the great part but is it all manipulation? Do they not have the capacity to care at times  w/o strings?
 I'm truly not trying to be challenging. I really want to understand this illness.   Thank you guys

Yeah I get it. So I'm working on myself. Honestly I respect the block. She did it because I didn't respect her boundaries. Our communication is necessary because we are selling a house, that's why there's a 3rd party. I don't get why she'll send me stuff that's really unnecessary though. But I'm basically working on respecting the boundary 100%, the spirit of the boundary, which means no response unless required.

If you are blocked, presumably from contact with your ex, then accept that.  Sadly, the relationship, as dysfunctional as it was, is over.  What next?  Reset your focus.  Now is the time for you to take care of yourself.

About being blocked... On the day of my separation, before the two year divorce, she blocked my email account.  Because we had a small child there was a prolonged custody and parenting disagreement for years.  So our contact was necessary, unlike your situation.  We communicated through phone calls and texts.  To this day my email, so far as I know, is still blocked from her account.  I was okay with that.  It was no big deal.  My focus was henceforth on my child and me.

The announcement on airplanes before every flight highlights a theme we embrace here.  "In case of an emergency, first put on your own oxygen mask before helping others."

If divorced, blocked, 3rd party set up, but still logistical redundant pings come in?

Relationship moved fast. We bought a house together after 5 months of dating. We got married within a year of dating. We moved states and sold our house and bought a new house within a year of being married. I was more avoidant in the relationship. She was anxious and year one of dating and year one of marriage was filled with her pushing long emotional talks, trying to control how I showed up, her anxiously showing up. Constant projects to build a business and farm. A lot of nuances. But that's the gist. Year two of marriage there was a shift in her but I didn't catch it because it was nice not to be pressed into emotional talks for four hours 2-3 times a week. She was lonely here too, no friends. I wasn't showing up for her, concerned for her emotions, I was selfish, so BPD or not, I see where I went wrong. We had a lot of fights, I was emotionally reactive, but also more often than not, unreactive. She had been diagnosed with bpd, which was later switched to ADHD and cpstd. So come December 2025 we had perhaps our worst fight ever. Five days later she tells me she's divorcing me. Two weeks later we are signing separation papers. I was willing to give it to her, but I started learning as much as I could. Immediately after the papers are signed, her boundary, no emotional talk. Two weeks later she leaves town, back from where we came. Two months later we are divorced. She did a freezer spell on me before leaving which I found recently. After separation, even after divorce I chased, she confirmed her boundary over and over, only to break it to say she didn't trust me or I hurt her. A lot of push pull, redundant logistics, until we eventually ended up at a near full block, with a 3rd party set up. I still get occasional redundant 3rd party logistics. A lot of nuance to all the in-between but this is the main gist. So I'm basically ignoring anything that doesn't require a response.