Definitely just a 'ping' she's sending out to see if you're still there. She could chat to you properly if she wanted but that's not what she wants at the moment; she just wants reassurance that she has another option if her current situation changes.

Her boyfriend is probably totally unaware she's been messaging you, so she's playing him too.  As I said, unless you want to get back on the train again, it's best to not respond to her as that only tells her you're still interested.

Hard to do I know, but think long term.

I think you are correct in looking at the behavior- looking at these videos, as being the cause of her unhappiness and it's understandable you would want to hear from posters whose wives did the same. Another way to look at this is what is driving the behavior- emotionally. Other poster's spouses may not have the same behavior- looking at videos but could have similar dynamics going on.

Looking at these videos can be addictive- whatever the content. Underlying every addiction is that addictions are escapes from uncomfortable feelings, so videos, alcohol, drugs, shopping- all are driven by emotions.

PwBPD don't perceive their uncomfortable feelings as being from them. They project them. The feelings must be your fault. She has found a source that validates her feelings. This is a difficult situation because, she's found "proof" of her projections, that the feelings are your fault, in these videos.

No, my BPD mother didn't do the exact same thing because the technology wasn't available. However, she did find validation in books, in speaking to people who believed her version (triangulation). She also threatened divorce frequently but didn't go through with it. I agree that this technology would have probably increased the problem due to the algorithm but without it, there are other ways.

The question- why are you more of the target after 30 years? BPD affects the closest relationships the most. It's possible that not that you are retired you are more available to her, and so experiencing more of the projections.

BPD behaviors are maladaptive coping mechanisms. Yes, the videos are a problem but it's possible they are not the entire cause of the problem but a result of how your wife is coping with her feelings.

You are correct that you can't control her behavior. All we can do is control our own reactions to it. That you may be spending time defending yourself, or being apologetic may also be reinforcing her feelings and attention is a reinforcer. But if it's not true- you don't have to defend it. What you can do is not be as available to her to discuss it and spend less time refuting it. If she threatens divorce, reply that you don't want that, but then spend less time discussing it. If she truly wanted that, she'd take action. It may be just words in the moment.

Reading about the Karpman triangle may help you understand the dymamics. My mother- and I think pwBPD in general- took victim perspective. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
Other people were either in rescuer or persecutor position with her. Sometimes you are rescuer, sometimes she sees you as persecutor. This is her disordered thinking from BPD.

It is stressful to be accused. No, you don't admit to something you are not but you can validate the feelings. You might consider that during the times things are good between you, someone or something else might be in "persecutor" position, moving you out of it. We, her family members, and later on, her health  care team- someone was her focus- maybe her terrible children, or the terrible nurse.

Yes, the videos are a problem but they also could be the behavior that is driven by her BPD and her feelings.

More odd behaviour yesterday. My son came downstairs having been on the phone to his mum. He said, mum said do you want anything from McDonald’s. She then came and dropped some food off for us both, although my son went outside and collected it from her. Seems a bit weird to me.

Another thought - could he be high functioning on the spectrum? That can also appear like BPD in some ways- difficulty with relationships, anger meltdowns. That could explain his interpreting things literally "a northerly wind" must be going north, because the word "north" is in it and not understanding your reply to a question if it's not put in a way he understands. Both pwBPD and high functioning people on the spectrum "mask" in public but may have different reasons to do so.

He may function brilliantly in his academic world, where the focus is on research, facts, but at home, where things aren't as structured to his interest may be more confusing to him. He could be both an expert in his academic focus and lack common sense in other areas of his world at home.

Either way, on the spectrum or BPD, he could also have memory issues. The relative I mentioned with memory issues is also very intelligent and educated and this change was noticed by family.

I wonder if he is beginning to have memory issues. I can't recall how old he is but pwBPD can also have age related issues. BPD may complicate the behaviors but if he's having trouble remembering things, not following the plot is a memory aspect, getting lost, forgetting what you said to him- consider getting him evaluated. I have an older relative who does these same things, but doesn't have BPD and it is due to having memory problems.

This is a very difficult one. With a pwBPD all logic and reason goes out the window. To use your example of shouting, I had kind of forgotten the extent of it in my household, but looking back there was a lot of shouting on my ex’s behalf.

During the first decade of our relationship, where we lived our neighbours were very loud and always shouting, so to me it wasn’t so much of an issue if my wife raised her voice. I probably shouted back in response.

During the next half of our relationship we had moved to a quieter area, and our neighbours were much quieter.
This led to me having a boundary that I’d not had before, about the shouting. She had a habit that used to annoy me, where she would leave the room I was in, go upstairs even, and continue to try and have a conversation with me that would ultimately lead to her shouting around the house.

Now, many times this wasn’t her getting dysregulated and blowing up shouting and screaming, it was just her trying to continue a conversation. If I wasn’t able to follow her around the house, or just plain couldn’t be bothered to do so, when she came back in the room I was in I would calmly explain that I will not shout from downstairs to her while she is upstairs.

This went on for a decade or more, but no matter how calmly I would explain I am not shouting, do you think she ever took that on board? I never had or enforced many boundaries but that was one of them, but made no difference to her whatsoever.

First of all, thank you all for your support. I approached a psychologist to help me in my breakup process. I can't go on like this even though I still have feelings for her. It would be a bad thing for me and I have to preserve my mental health.
I will keep you, if you want, informed of what happens next. Thanks again.

So.... My 19yo dd delivered the news last week that she's pregnant and keeping the baby. This really didn't come as a huge shock since the only thing she has focused on for years now is finding a guy (any guy) and having a "relationship". I saw this coming from a mile away.  So about 7 months ago or so, she meets this young man online that lives in a bordering town, and from the word go she was over at his house 24/7, even when he wasn't there, and she clung on to him for dear life. I've been paying for her to attend cosmetology school and wholly paying for an apartment that she literally has barely stepped foot in for 7 months, among other things like her car, insurance, and spending money. She has remained jobless even as I've expressed her need to get one. The young man is 23, has a 7 year old daughter that he has primary custody of, he works a solid full-time blue collar job and owns his own small and humble home near his father and step mom who are and have always been a strong support system by way of childcare while he works. He's fully self supporting and seems like a nice kid who steps up to his responsibilities and can work well within his family system.

Given my daughters allover history, ongoing gross lack of cooperation and major unchecked issues with emotional regulation, I am not pleased with her joyous announcement and I let her know that. I wasn't even going to pretend that this was an accident. This young man has and his family has no idea what they are really dealing with, and my daughter has managed to keep me from even meeting his father and stepmom although I started asking about that a couple months ago. She likes to control the narrative.

At this point she's been text harassing/calling me for days demanding an apology for how I reacted to her pregnancy, telling me I'm going to be happy for them "or else", making crazed allegations that my intention is to try to steal custody of the child and that I'm jealous of her. She indicated that she told the father and his family that I threatened to try to take custody, which is 100% false, but I guess that narrative serves some purpose. She's also making threats to not let me see my grandchild if I don't change my "attitude". It's just a barrage of nasty communications which go largely ignored because I'm just not going to engage in lunacy, especially now. Regardless of what she says, it's clear that she wants me to be involved but it's also clear that she has a very dysfunctional view of what my involvment should look like. She basically wants me to keep my wallet and home open to her, but my mouth shut. That's just not going to work. She's refused to get so much as a part time job as I've provided an apartment, utilities, a car, insurance, tuition for cosmetology school, and weekly spending money. She exhibits no personal accountability whatsoever and to say she's disrespectful is a major understatement.

A friend of mine thinks it's time that I go no contact and I think I've come to the same conclusion. This is not a "normal" situation even for a young adult out of wedlock pregnancy. I'm chronically being used and abused, and she makes threats of all kinds to keep that dynamic in place. She won't even agree to basic rules of civil communication in therapy sessions. I see no way that I can have a healthy relationship with a grandchild or protect myself so long as her BPD goes unchecked, and she exhibits no desire to address it. She even denies the diagnosis.

Thank you for your encouragement. She doesn't live with us during the week. You are right. I need to establish them and follow through. I am constantly concerned about her, but need to recognize that people make choices and there are consequences to actions. As a parents, you just want what is best for your children.

A boundary is for you, made by you, and has nothing to do with anyone else.

For instance, I hate anchovies.  You and I are at dinner and you say, "Try the anchovies."  I say no thanks.  You try to persuade me in a variety of ways, but the bottom line is that I have already chosen before the conversation even started.  I'm doing the thing that's best for me.

A boundary within your home could be to stop arguing completely.  If your spouse begins to yell, step one should always be to try calming her down.  She's dysregulated and her words don't necessarily match her feelings, so you show compassion and understanding instead of arguing back.

Let's say that doesn't work.  Step two would be to withdraw.  This is just like the anchovies...I'm not doing it no matter what...so if I can't de-escalate the situation with words, I'll do it with action.  Maybe I go for a walk around the neighborhood, maybe I say I'm going to visit family for a few days; I'll do whatever I have to do in order to avoid a direct confrontation.  Again though, just like in step one I'm doing it with compassion and patience.

Let's say that doesn't work either and the situation turns violent as I try to leave.  Now I'm looking for outside intervention, possibly even calling 9-1-1 if necessary to seek an involuntary hold for a psych evaluation.  Even if things go this far though, I'm still doing everything I can with love and empathy. 

In other words, this isn't a punishment, it's a compassionate response to help someone that's suffering from mental illness.

As you enforce boundaries over time, it becomes very clear and predictable that arguing, threats, and violence will lead to very predictable results.  One of two things will happen at that point; the relationship fails or the pattern of communication changes in positive ways. 

Again though, and I can't say this enough, BPD dysfunction stems from the fear of abandonment.  Showing love and compassion while strengthening the relationship builds trust and allows the person to calm down and refocus.  That should always be the goal, to actually help them through loving them.