My own  conflict - the ragefests, disrespect, blaming, moaning and groaning, etc - all worsened after we had a child.  Finally, the police got involved, we separated and entered the divorce process.  At that point I fretted less about her and more about our child.  So young, so innocent.  My focus somehow shifted from appeasing my then-spouse to concern for our child.  I guess I considered my marriage a lost cause but I tried my best to do what I could for our preschooler.

Perhaps that transition  hasn't happened yet for you.  But probably it will before much more time passes.  In contrast to your spouse, your children are open books, so to speak, with a lot of promise ahead.  They have many years of learning, playing, sharing, growing and developing into wonderful adults.  Though your spouse may not make it easy, they may be chess pieces to manipulate and pressure you, but even if the marriage ends, your parenting continues on.

broken mom2, one part of your post stopped me and I had to read it twice. Ten years of being put down and physically hurt hard enough to leave bruises, and it sits in the middle of a paragraph almost like weather. Whatever the BPD explains, it does not explain that away, and it is not a bill you have to keep paying to prove you love her. You are allowed to draw a line at your own body, even with your own child. Especially with your own child.

The other thing. You wrote that you only ever saw yourself as a mom and nothing more. I think that is exactly why her words cut all the way through. When mom is the whole identity, "you were never the mom I needed" is not one accusation among many, it is a verdict on an entire life. No defense works against that one, there is no exhibit A for love.

The gentle part is that this is also the one thing you can still act on. Not to fix her. So the accusation has less of you to land on. You already started, you said it yourself, your partner showed you there is more to you than this one role. Grow that on purpose this year.

You are not failing her because you cannot take this pain away. Some pains are hers to carry with people trained for it. Yours is to stop reading every bruise as evidence for the prosecution.

It was real for sure, and he probably did the best he could.  His best in not what you deserve though.

I'm so sorry you're going through this- but that's the only way to get to the other side.

For the Facebook post and the barrage of texts, I'll remind you that you were thrown out.  This was her decision, not yours.  It's okay to be delicate with her feelings, but at the same time you need to live in reality.  Her narratives are no longer your narratives, not right now.  That's what this is about.

I've reminded you every single post- this is not a guarantee of divorce.  It's simply a guarantee for change.  Her tantrums and blaming changes or it doesn't.  You'll respond appropriately.  Every decision is hers to make and you're just standing firm.  Don't let her twist this around any longer...she decided this.  She is choosing this.  You just want peace, whether it's at home with your wife or in an apartment without her.

Hopefully you get to see this kids soon and everyone adapts okay.  Again, I'm so sorry you're in this position.  It's heartbreaking for everyone.  You are doing the right thing though and this is not "all your fault".  She has made every single choice leading up to this moment.

Not super well. Got myself moved in to my place with around 10 hours to spare before a flight; during this time I was receiving more text flooding. I’m pretty forward now with responses; “I cannot do this right now” or “I will read these later” to try and slow the cadence.

My lack of response led to her posting a very gleeful Facebook post that made it seem like I abandoned her after her diagnosis (some four years ago). Woke up and left for the airport to a myriad of texts. All in support, all friends and people reaching out. I’m not against the support, I just wasn’t ready to deal with that.

I’m flying home today. It’s hard; my heart wants what’s familiar. My therapist reminded me to set my intentions for how I want to show up in this divorce and to make sure I’m not reflecting her anger in my own responses. She (my pwBPD) and I spoke on Sunday; a mix of sadness, claims about me never changing, rejections of my accounting of things and assertions that I take no accountability for my lies and lack of change. That stirred me up. Last night I felt “oh, man, maybe this is all me.”

So I countered my thoughts my describing the things I need in a partner. And the things that led to my emotional withdrawal in this relationship. I don’t feel better, but I feel less weak going home.

I’m down for a few weeks. I know a mess is ahead. Books, friends, running, trying to make a new normal and figure out what amount of interaction I can have with my kids is next.

Thank you for checking in on me

Was any of it even real? Was his love real at all?

Your line "it was more my inability to cope" jumped out at me — please set that one down. You are sharing a home with a spouse who asked for a divorce, hasn't filed, sleeps a few doors away, comes home late and drinking, and tells you in detail how happy he is now. Coping *perfectly* inside that setup isn't a realistic bar for any human. The exhaustion isn't a personal failure — it's the situation doing exactly what that situation does to everyone inside it.

A few things that helped me during my own in-between stretch of still sharing an address:

- Treat it as a hostel, not a home. I stopped cooking for two, stopped waiting up, stopped asking about his day. The nightly "happy stories" need an audience to land — the moment I stopped being one, they lost most of their power over my evenings.
- Medium chill over full grey rock, if grey rock feels impossible right now. Flat, brief, boring: "okay", "good for you", "I'm heading to bed". Not cold, just nothing to grip.
- About the loving week followed by DARVO the moment you raised therapy — that sequence isn't random. The warmth showed up *because* the relationship was undefined again. Once I named that pattern to myself, I stopped reading the warm phases as evidence I should hope harder.
- Get a therapist for yourself if you possibly can — short-term, online, whatever fits. Not for the marriage. For you. You're rebuilding a life in a new country, recovering your health, inside the worst year of the marriage. That's three loads at once, and someone in your professional corner is one of the few things that stays fully yours while you still share an address.
- Quietly log incidents — dates, what was said or done — even if you never use it. It steadies your own memory when the story gets rewritten mid-conversation.

You did the right thing coming back here after it exploded. Keep posting through this stretch; it's survivable even on the days it doesn't feel like it.

If you think a volcanic eruption is simmering over in ex's home, have your lawyer be alert if/when to file emergency paperwork to remove your daughter from the impending disaster, whatever it is.  Though since courts are usually slow, if emergency services action is needed, then the paperwork comes a close second.

Broken Mom2,  My heart hurts for you. I 100% understand how you're feeling and hurting. I could have written your words. Except I have a swubpd - who has been in emotional pain most of his life. He's now 45. I would do anything to stop his pain. I've rescued him from consequences he should have experienced, given him money in the tune of 10s of thousands over the years, I've inserted myself in his first marriage. I'm not proud of my actions. And I'm being transparent because I'm making the point to you and myself that I can not take away his pain, heal his mental illness, make him "see" the past or myself realistically .Believeme, I tried. And I tortured myself replaying his words. 
So what can we do as parents who love our kids inspite of their illness?  We can choose to get healthy, get support from people who understand and will be honest with us. A good therapist who understands bpd and all the people and info we can gain from these boards. We need to believe our own reality. We need to protect ourselves from replaying those hurtful words over and over in our minds. We need to realize we're hurting and suffering too. This will be one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids with bpd. I could have shared all the cruel and hurtful words and beliefs about me that my son has said to me. What I know is he can be full of so much pain, shame anger that he has to project it somewhere. It has been me. That is very sad to me but he's the only one who can decide to be serious about getting help. I've tried for him. To give you some hope, it's been awhile since I've been dumped on. I sometimes get an I love you in a text or a big hug.I used to get I hate you, you make me sick, what kind of mother..  I think what's making a difference are the boundaries I'm learning to make to protect myself. I've pulled back my involvement in his daily life. .I believe also in his own way he's trying to manage his emotions. Maybe we're both growing up. I have a lot of hope for you and your daughter. Not saying it'll be easy, or that you won't feel pain. You just don't have to live therr. I'm trying to do that the best I'm able.

I'm sorry to hear that.