I too think that anger/arguing is an addiction for many of them. I noticed this a lot, in that when things were going GREAT (little to no arguing, laughing, dates, cuddling, lots of sex, etc) she'd fabricate something out of thin air. She NEEDED to argue. Lots of times over things we already sorted out and got over, or so I thought. I think they cannot find comfort in peace and feel smothered, so they force the fear of abandonment to level out their emotions. She'd read books about dating narcissistic men. She also said her friend, after hearing her one sided stories recommended her to read 'Why does he do that? - Inside the mind of angry and controlling men'. She said she cried endlessly reading it and wanted me to read it so I could see how I treat her. I refused, and said that me reading that shows I believe that is the type of person I am. I said I'm willing to discuss certain situations, but not discuss how I'm a horrible person at my core and the root of our problems.

Controlling to her = you cannot live with your ex-fiance if we're dating. You're not allowed to scream and curse at me when upset (that's just how I argue -her). Please don't wear actual see-through spandex shorts and a bra to the gym (after telling me people continuously approach her asking about sex, holding conversations with them and befriending them, her words not me exaggerating). Things like that. 

Yes. with my pwBPD it is not psych. topics as with yours, but topics I reckon would be called ' rage bait. ' spending to much time on angry topics then ranting at me to work out their feelings on tings i am helpless to solve. and then geting angrier stil if I do not agree fully or don't seem as emotional about the issuer as they are. I believe that for some bpd ppl anger is an addiction. they go out seeking things they know will make them angry. I see it at home with the social media stuff and in other ways as well.

I'm going to be blunt and I apologise in advance, because I always try to assume the best and respond accordingly.

Your daughter is 26 years old and in Grad school - she is not "living with a groomer", and the minor age gap is not even worth mentioning when telling her story except in an effort to infantilise her. Similarly you say she feels less valued than her siblings - well you told me her brothers are doctors and their opinions...before you told me anything about her...so while you may not ACTUALLY value her less than them, your communication habits may contribute to her feelings.

That said, BPD is obviously a problem with the person who has it - but it also isn't something people are born with; it's largely tied to adverse child events (ACEs) particularly ones that cause early failure to bond with parents in a healthful fashion. "Something went wrong, somewhere" - but we don't have time machines as parents, all we can do is learn the skills to help them and us adapt and improve. If you look at "Caretakers of BPD" type lessons, you'll learn GRAY MAN type behaviors that can help with DBT-style home therapy to help avoid triggers; some people find it a life-changer for sure.

When you say "She never accused of anything like that before", what sort of accusations is she making? Obviously not all accusations are true, especially when dealing with BPD people where some will drift near fantasy-prone in an attempt to escape any personal responsiblity - but it might still offer an insight into how she's constructing things in her mind to unpack exactly what her accusations are.

All that said, it seems like this fiancee is the real struggle for you and your husband to accept; he gets mentioned again and again - I know more about him than I do about you or your daughter, from your telling.

I don't have a success story. It's just the distancing thing that has never happened. I think real success is only possible after years of effective treatment and a ton of motivation on their part to get better. My advice is to support her along the treatment, without getting too involved, and never bring her to move in into your place, and don't get her pregnant. Not until she fully recovers, if that ever happens.

My BPD daughter hated me most of her life.  She made every possible mistake as a teen and because my ex-wife was also BPD, I had to be the adult in the room.  Not that my ex couldn't make decisions, but my kid knew mom was weak and would give in, so she attacked her relentlessly.

Every argument between them would eventually end with, "Go ask your dad, I don't care."  So I had to be the bad guy, which I was fine with 100% of the time.  The kid had to learn right from wrong and therapists were adamant about standing your ground.  So I did and she hated me.

Yet every single time she was in trouble (always self-induced through bad decisions), she called me because she knew I'd show up and fight for her.

This continued throughout her teens and early 20's, until she finally got the right therapist.  And once the therapist pointed out that I always showed up, always fought her battles, my kid apologized and our relationship has been great ever since.

Because that's the whole source of instability- I called it abandonment and maybe that's not technically the right word.  But once a BPD realizes that you have their back no matter what, the dysfunction disappears.

Now, others in our family are now painted black and put through the ringer at times, but my kid and I continue to have a good relationship because of that one simple fact.  When she needs someone, dad will be there no matter what.

After our separation, my ex had painted me black and it was basically the same situation.  But over time, we moved past that to where my ex realized that I was an ally.  She's untreated and in denial, but she knows that if she reaches out I'll show up however I can.  And that ended 100% of the drama between us.


That's because not feeling loved is NOT the only source of ALL interpersonal conflict that a BPD spouse has with their partner. Any unresolved conflict will eventually lead to an internal dispute, which then may lead to the BPD spouse acting out.



There's two different things happening here.  First is when your wife gets aggressive over minor stuff...but that's not true.  You see the minor thing but she's seen 50 things in a disordered state that tells her you've been plotting and scheming against her.  That's the illness and that's where having her back completely changes things. 

Again, abandonment may not be a perfect word but that's what it is, she feels slighted or less than so she lashes out.

The other thing you're describing, when you're loving and she lashes out shortly thereafter, is an extension of those 50 things she's secretly mad about.  She's mad, you're loving, and she enjoys it until she has time to reflect.  Then she decides that your actions were because you're clearly guilty of whatever she's thinking and the big guns come out.


Here you're actually talking about a boundary without putting a name to it.  She wants to manipulate in order to punish you, but then realizes you're pulling away so she cuts it off and reverses course.  During that time though, she's becoming dysregulated because you're distant and if you don't swoop back in....boom.

In both of these scenarios, it's a push/pull dynamic without ever fully resetting and getting back to just being there for each other.  That's the battle, finding how to do that when the wheels fly off the bus. 

With all the BPDs in my life (my ex wife's side of the family, a few other relatives), I've found that being proactive and letting them see that I have their backs no matter what diffuses all that drama and anxiousness.  Because as soon as they feel even a tiny bit slighted or crossed, things start going south quickly. 

Heck, my best friend's little sister is another BPD example.  She's cut off her entire family, all our friends growing up, etc.  Yet her and I are still cool because I communicate with her a different way and always tell her that I'm there for her, I understand why she's upset with others, etc. 

It really makes all the difference in the world and you never get to the meltdown stage.

The first time it made me anxious but now the second time I'm managing it a little better.  I believe I have both traits of anxious and secured attachment and need to rid the anxious side as I hate feeling that way.  I do consider myself high value, so it's not like I need anyone in my life, but I think me and this girl have good potential of a future but it's really up to her and how she wants to handle it, I guess.  I refuse to play games and chase her and certainly don't want her to have control of the situation.

It's nice to hear your success story and how your no chase approach worked out for you and your wife.  So, I guess I will refrain from reaching out and when we start talking again, I will have this talk with her.  I appreciate your insight and everyone that's helped so far. 

Hi quantumecho77 ,

Is that situation making you anxious? Since you posted here, I assume this situation is causing you some negative feelings that you want to avoid. I mean, you may be willing to handle these emotions now, but over time, if you allow the pattern to repeat, it will get worse, and there will be a point at which you won't tolerate it anymore.

So yes, I think next time that both of you are talking to each other, it will be a good time for you to communicate to her how you feel about her (the good part), how you feel when she becomes distant (the negative part), and what your expectations are about this relationship. In case you want some sort of stability or continuity, you must let her know. And if that's a requirement for you, then you should make it clear.

People who are insecure may sometimes try to get control over their partner's heart. My wife says that she always did that and always had the upper hand in her previous long-term relationships. She says that she was the one who ended all of them. Except for one short-term bf who dumped her because her mom told him to do it. But in all of her long-term relationships they were chasing her, and our relationship is the only one that happened the other way around (she chases me). And I think part of that is because I never chased her and never played games. I never pretended that she wasn't important either. If I don't respond at the moment, it's because I'm very busy. If I'm cold, it's because I'm angry, and I communicate it if needed to ensure she knows why.

My daughter who will be 33 in a few months time did not even complete High School.   Drugs and Boys were more interesting.   I was a Registered Nurse and her father an Engineer.  Neither of us could control her but boy, did she control us with her incessant demands for money - vanity being her obsession.   Her father has gone.   I have bought her a car and supported her on her never-ending wild goose changes.   I will NOT buy the story that BPD is due to childhood abuse.  Her vicious anger is out of control. I live on the coast in South Africa.   She disappeared inland to Johannesburg.   She called the police and an ambulance to tell that I was committing suicide.   I was asleep.  I had not spoken to her for a month.   Her threats and "I know you hate me" are never-ending.   I have started to have chest pain.   Her insults are unbelievable.   She is leaving my house in ten days and expects me to sign a lease for an apartment for her in Cape Town.   She cant stay still for five minutes.  She has told social workers that I am neglectful, abusive, an "alcoholic" and that I groomed her into prositution.   She has told people that I am a ketamine addict.  Then an Opiod addict.   I dont use any medication besides a headache tablet now and again.   Don't waste your time sobbing into your tea because the BPD Monster has gone.   Block all contact and get on with what's left of her life - the pieces she did not manage destroy.    Last night she came into my room holding her phone - she had downloaded an app - and asked me if I knew my IQ -- I do - 135 - she claimed to have an IQ140.   This from an idiot who can barely write.    Long story short - she is now going to work as a stripper.   Not my idea but at 18 she can do what she wants.   She has destroyed my name in the small town that I  live in, I have lost friends because I kept rescuing her.  She has even beaten up my friends - one a 63 year old woman like myself.   Dont look for answers.   Get the BPD Monster the hell away from you, move if you can, change your phone numbers and never look back.  

Thank you for your helpful reply, CC43!

Your description of your step-daughter fits the personality of my daughter so accurately! I agree that the "victim" mentality is one of the most troubling aspect of BPD. It disables the BPD person as it strips their hope that good things can happen to them and sets them up for failure.

I really appreciate your insight and advice on my situation. I am hoping she eventually will agree to seek some counseling. She knows it is available if she is willing to pursue it.

She has disconnected with our family for now and I believe that is fine as we all seem to trigger her. I will miss her, but don't plan to reach out anytime soon. Her siblings, which are adults, witnessed a few especially toxic rants this past week during a family crisis and need a break from her as well. BPD creates a cycle where her mind tells her she isn't as valued, but then she blows up and our need to distance ourselves only reinforces those thoughts that she is rejected. Ugh!

I am sure you know the frustration of wanting to be there to encourage them, but are then blamed for anything that isn't going well in their lives. I only wish I could get her the treatment to help her view things more realistically.

I agree we need to live our lives in a healthy manner for our sakes and for hers. That can be challenging during some of these times, but it is encouraging to know others like yourself have dealt with it in a healthy manner. Thank you for your encouragement!!!!