He's ruining your present; don't let him ruin your future too. Easy to say I know but he's one bad apple out of millions of healthy, normal ones.

There is so much more than BPD going on with him, he's a total Walter Mitty in his own 'I am elite' world. I know this is the 'bettering a reationship' thread but what possible advice can be given faced with someone like him??  At least BPD's can have some periods of near-normality which makes it worth persevering.

Only way I can see to 'better' this relationship is to end it. You must put your own needs first.

Hi Momma,

I'm so sorry the situation with your daughter continues to get worse.  That you kicked your daughter out of your home indicates to me she really is teetering on the edge.  But I commend you for protecting yourself and your family from your daughter's chaos.  That must have been really hard for you.  At the same time, you had to do it, not only to protect you, but also to protect the rest of your family.  Had you allowed your daughter to continue to live with you while she was being abusive is actually worse for her in the long run in my opinion, because you'd be teaching her that abuse is OK.  In addition, you'd be enabling dysfunction, all the while your daughter would continue to blame you for all her problems.  Only when she leaves your home and she's on her own does she have a chance to realize that YOU aren't creating a mess of her life, she is.  But while she's living with you in chaos, she'll continue to blame you.  I hope you trust me on this.

One thing I notice in your post is projection.  My guess is that your daughter is probably consumed with thoughts of self-hatred, and she has extremely low self esteem.  One aspect of BPD is perceiving the world in extreme, all black or all white terms (though overwhelmingly black), even when it comes to self-perception.  I think that everything she said about you is likely code for what she thinks about herself.  That she's basically telling you to grow up and stop acting pathetic really means she thinks she thinks she's childish, and it's killing her inside.  She's so consumed with these thoughts that they emerge as projections when she screams at you.  I know this because my adult BPD stepdaugher says the exact same sort of thing.

Doing some more mind reading here, what I see is that your daughter feels like she has no control over her life, and in response she's acting out and trying to control YOU (e.g. Sit down, Shut up, etc.).  Does that sound about right?  Once you understand projection, I think it's easier to understand what's going on with your daughter, as well as not to take her insults so personally.  Even so, it still hurts tremendously to see her so unhinged.

Alas, your daughter's maladjusted way of coping with her stress and disappointments is to lash out at you, because you're probably the only person left in the world who will listen to her.  I think your daughter's rages are an outlet for her pent-up anger, frustration and shame.  By the same token, she's trying to make you feel the extent of her own anguish, by punishing you, as if that will make her feel better.  As you know, it doesn't work.

My opinion is that at the root of all this is a victim mindset.  She perceives life as an endless series of traumas caused by other people, while she refuses to take any responsibility for her own choices and actions.  She expects others to change, not her, which, by the way, is why therapy probably won't work when she's thinking this way.  She also expects too much of others--to provide for her, to take care of her, to make her the center of attention, as if she's still a little girl--leading her to be constantly disappointed.  Though she probably often declares, "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want," she hasn't internalized yet that she IS responsible for herself now, and if she wants something, she has to make it happen herself.  Instead, she's discovering she isn't functioning well as an adult, and so she'll blame YOU, for a terrible childhood, for kicking her out, for not giving her money, for ruining her life, etc.  Basically she's acting like a tween or toddler:  being demanding, impatient, irresponsible, getting easily frustrated and throwing tantrums.  But technically she's an adult and can drive, use credit cards, have dangerous sex and get herself into big trouble.

How to handle all this?  I'd invite you to look at the boards for some ideas.  Maybe if I have some time later I'll give you some thoughts.

All the best to you.

This is, to a large extent, sheer projection of her own life.   While it does not make sense to relatively normal people like us, in her mind and her perceptions its okay that she retaliates with such vitriol and vehemence.

I am concerned that her claims may trigger investigations into the parenting of your other children.  Not that there is basis, but the various agencies involved probably have policies to investigate even unsubstantiated allegations.  Be aware.  Beware of even your own daughter.  This is beyond just discord and rebellion.  She has driven the conflict to a higher level by involving the police and perhaps social services in the future.


Honestly, looking back, why were you expecting a rational response?  Of course, you are not her enemy, but she has cast you as that in her own mind.

If you are paying anything else besides phones, such as internet, rent, car insurance, food, etc then be prepared you may need to end all financial aid to her since it may be enabling her to sabotage you.

Realistically, you may need to sever contact with her, for your own protection and your other children's protection.  You may decide to record any future contact so that you have proof (1) you didn't do anything wrong and (2) you weren't the aggressive one.

I had to kick my daughter out about a month ago for behaviors that are putting me and my other kids in danger. She will be 19 in December. We have put her in to treatment centers, hospitals, substance abuse groups, until she turned 18. Her behaviors continue to escalate: Using multiple substances, making very risky sexual choices, and being extremely verbally abusive to me. Yesterday, four police officers showed up at my house. My daughter had called them to do a welfare check telling them that I was drinking, doing drugs, experiencing mania, and threatening suicide. NONE of this is true and the cops seem unconcerned. When I confronted her about it she screamed in to her phone: "sit down and shut the F#$* up. Buckle your seatbelt, put on your big girl pants and stop acting like a pathetic teenage girl" With a lot of other horrible words and name calling thrown in for good measure. I do NOT understand, no  matter how much I read, and boundaries I try to set, she is bound and determined to punish me. I did disconnect her cell service, but beyond cutting her completley out for a while, I do not know what to do! Any advice?

Hi there,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and especially for you having to deal with the repercussions of your disordered sister's behavior.  Surely this has been going on for years, and probably for most of your life.  It's understandable that this situation causes distress, not just to you but to your entire family.

I think that if you are feeling stressed out, you deserve a break.  It doesn't have to be forever, just for now.  If talking to your sister opens old wounds, I think it's OK to take a break.  You don't have to announce this to anyone; just steer clear of her.  If it upsets you when your mom talks about your sister, then you could say, "Mom, I love you, but talking about sis stresses me out too much, let's talk about something else."  By my thinking, this would represent you taking care of yourself, by reducing your stress load right now.

The best way for you to support yourself and your family is to be calm, steady and not wracked with guilt.  Here we talk about operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which clouds our judgment.  When living in a FOG, we tend to have trauma-based, fight or flight reactions.  And we're exhausted, irritable and generally feeling lousy.  You deserve to get back to a healthier, more balanced, more serene place.  Give yourself some grace, take a break and consider therapy, too.  How does that sound?  This is what family members who truly love you would want for you.  It's what you'd want for you too.  Loving yourself means taking care of yourself first and foremost.  Only then will you be equipped to take care of others.

All my best to you.

If he has a pattern of insisting on NDAs, what does this say about his track record in seeking relationships?  What does this say of his respect for his partners when he expects them to become ex-partners?  What does this say about what he thinks of you?

As a side thought, with him cycling through multiple relationships, it might be wise to insist on proof of no STDs, though even that is no guarantee.

Let's do a thought experiment.  (Some of Albert Einstein's best "thought experiments" led to profound physics breakthroughs.)

Picture yourself 5 or 10 years from now.  You're in the same relationship as now, perhaps made official by marriage, perhaps a few children too.  Sounds normal, right?  But - and this is a huge "but" - she still argues endlessly about everything and nothing, you're still cast almost daily as Mr Evil Personified.  And not just you are suffering, so are the kids.  Yes, 5 or 10 years of sheer negativity, disparagement, conflict, threats and endless crap.  You were warned long ago this was a severe mental illness, though not to the extent of qualifying for incarceration or commitment to a mental health asylum.  So... would you look back and wish you would have made different choices 5 or 10 years before?

Another way of picturing this is the "step outside the box" perspective.  This is the subjective versus the objective comparison.  You know how you feel from the inside... What if you step outside the scenario and are asked, "What would you advise a good friend if it was they were in your dilemma?"

I'll repeat my prior observation:  It sounds a little to me like this guy is bragging.  He thinks he's so important he needs you to sign an NDA?  He's willing to pay you 20 grand to get you to sign it?  He's paid past ex-girlfriends to do this?  It sounds to me like he's overcompensating for his insecurities, as well as treating girlfriends like commodities to be purchased, coerced and/or discarded.

How about this?  Don't sign any NDA.  Don't even bother looking at it.  Don't accept money from him, if he has it anyway, which I doubted from the beginning.

Just my two cents.

Also, signing an NDA is meaningless if the person you're suing isn't rich, or doesn't have assets you can collect against (e.g. they don't own a house).

So his ex signs and NDA, and then divulges the context of their relationship publicly... somehow.  I don't know, posts pictures on facebook, or tells his secrets or private communications.  Now he has to decide to sue them for breaching the NDA.  That's going to cost him a lot of money... at least ~$25K just to file. 

Say they defend themselves and fight back.  Now you're looking at a full trial possibly, and getting into six figures in legal fees for each side.

Now say he wins... what are his damages exactly?  The other party may have to pay his legal fees.  Can he demonstrate that he suffered some sort of harm to make it worth it? 

Let's say for argument's sake he can show that his business suffered, and he lost out on a million dollar contract because his ex breached his/her NDA.  Does the person he's dating have anywhere near that amount?  Probably not    So his BALLER move of having his exes sign NDAs is just bluffing

EDIT: I missed the post about him showing up drunk and wanting to cuddle.

He sounds less put together than I assumed when I wrote my longer response!

Guessing he's one of those guys who's reading posts from the "Manosphere" and influenced by something some idiot said.

Call his bluff... ask to see a copy of the NDA, and say that if you agree to sign it, he's got to put $20K in an escrow fund with a stipulation to the agent that as soon as you sign that agreement, the money is remitted to you.  And he has to pay the escrow agent's fees (no big deal.  he's right right?)