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I took water lifeguard classes. The first several lessons were about how to keep yourself safe. A main one was to not let the drowning person grab on to you. A drowing person is frantic and will grab on to you and push you down in an attempt to get air. They aren't being bad "bad" - they are frantic and want air.

If the person is a conscious adult, able to understand instructions- use something you can extend to them- a float, handle of a pool net- tell them to grab it and pull them in.

If none is available, we then practiced ways to hold on to them without them being able to grab on to us. We also learned ways to get out of the grip of someone who grabbed on to us.

I didn't go on to become a lifeguard, but was interested in learning about it and it also was a good lesson about helping in general and understanding our own abilities.

If you feel yourself emotionally drowning-- first get yourself to safety.

I’ve been thinking of that quote quite a bit. And thinking of my own versions with my therapists where I say our dynamic at home is like if I’m trying to keep them from drowning and surviving but meanwhile I’m barely breathing with my head just above water. I’m not emotionally and mentally equipped to do it anymore. To be fair I’m not always some altruistic selfless person. I get irritable, cranky, short and lazy or rebellious.

It would almost be funny how similarly these two PWBPD seem to think and act if it wasn’t also just plain freaky. My sister also has big plans to get plastic surgery because she truly thinks it will make her happier to be more beautiful. That people will treat her with more love and care. I really tried to express that beauty won’t solve all her problems since her insecurities will eat her up. It’s a slippery slope. Once you start and from an insecure place, you will become obsessed with fixing every other flaw.

She also had that same issue with jobs when she was a few years younger. But nowadays she’s more accepting of the fact she won’t be able to just get a well paying job because she thinks she deserves it. She literally went to community college and got an art degree because she asked the school counselor to tell her what the easiest degree to finish would be. (She wasn’t even a good student. One of her professors criticized her inability to generally give a crap about her classes and almost got the Dean invovled for her rude email conversation with that professor.)

Thank you for your advice and words of wisdom. You are completely right in saying that I give my family a lot of my mental energy with my constant concerns and worries for them. I’m learning to be more considerate to myself and even selfish with my own well being and needs being met. It’s still a work in progress.

As for the moving out plan, I have started saving funds. My goal is to save 10k by the end of 2027 which is my deadline currently. I’m hoping to either find my own place or rent with roommates. At this point though I truly crave my own stable and safe housing that I have complete ownership of and can make choices for myself without other people’s input. That would be my dream. As simple of a dream it may sound, it would mean the world to me.

I’ve also taken the time to budget my monthly expenses and figure out what I can afford at the most at my current salary. It’s difficult but not entirely out of the question.

Thanks for your kind words overall. It feels really nice to see someone say they care about my well being

I saw my disordered neighbor today and she said "hello". I ignored her. Dr Ramani a well known expert on NPD, talks about how giving second chances over and over again does not work because the narcissist never accounts for their bad behaviors, act like they never happened, and then start being abusive again. I genuinely like to forget past problems with a person, and continue to be nice to them. Not going to do that again with this neighbor as she uses my forgiveness to restart the abuse cycle.

I can relate as I am sure others here can as well. Behaviours therapists have suggested to set boundaroies have resulted in some truely frightful episodes including self-harm. I am not permitted to leave the room, certainly not the house. My only option is to listen as calmly and emotionless as I can while pwbpd rages and hopoe they tire out eventually.

Think about the meaning of the word "abuse".  Yes, the obvious evidence are bruises, cuts, etc.  But more insidious are the long term emotional damage from endless criticism, insinuations, belittling, subtle and obvious threats.

We often comment here on the obvious Blaming and Blame Shifting, among other behavior, which in themselves don't carry much indication of outright abuse, but given enough time and repetition its impact can easily be as devastating as physical abuse.

The reason others warn you of abuse is that they are considering more than just the physical risks and impacts.

Older people often don't drink enough water or fluids.  This too can be the cause of sick feelings or delirious behavior.

Years ago I was in line for hours for a new roller coaster and no shade in the sun and heat.  I was so dehydrated and overcome with the heat I literally got sick and drove myself to the ER.  They put me on IVs to rehydrate me and soon declared me all better.

My own thoughts are that you would do well to call the company back, withdraw that any complaint was lodged, and ensure that no lasting record was made against the two workers.

Hi there Trony,

You've come to the right place.  The situation must be really hard on you, simultaneously trying to manage your husband's BPD outbursts, taking care of the kids, and on top of that, probably over-functioning for your husband on many fronts (housework, finances, scheduling, paying bills, etc.).  That can lead to burn-out and resentment, too.

Though your husband is prone blame you for his woes--calling you a monster and toxic--my guess is that there might be other things going on his life making him feel bad, maybe inferior, unloved or unimportant.  A possiblity is that he's jealous of the attention the kids are getting.  What does he do?  He basically acts like another kid, in a vain attempt to get your attention.  But it doesn't work well, because he's not a kid, and deep down he feels ashamed.

I'm not sure from your post if your husband is working, but maybe he feels emasculated by you, because he knows he's not pulling his weight on the home front, possibly financially.  So rather than appreciate everything you do, he might try to trivialize your contributions while claiming that he does "everything."  Does that ring any bells?  It could be that he's plagued by insecurity, and he might be trying to put you down, in your proper place, because you're upstaging him all the time.  Thus he'll call you a "monster," "toxic," or maybe stupid/narcissistic/lying/ugly/lazy.  Typically those are projections of things he thinks about himself.  Maybe he's threatening divorce because he knows he's letting you down, and he wants to beat you to the punch?  Or maybe a divorce threat is an attempt to blame YOU for causing all the trouble in his life.

If you want to know what's bugging your man, I'd advise to listen for the feelings behind his outbursts, not so much the facts (which can be highly distorted).  As an example, the pwBPD in my life was preoccupied with feelings of inferiority and living like a child.  She ruminated about these feelings so often that they tended to bubble up as projections and accusations:  "You're condescending / You're controlling / You treat me like a baby / You can't tell me what to do / I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want!"  That was really code for, "I feel inferior, I'm lagging behind my peers, and I'm mortally ashamed about that.  I can't do what I want in my life because I feel powerless.  I'm stuck like a kid."

I think you're doing well to enforce your boundaries and not get drawn into his meltdowns, which would only feed the fire of his ire so to speak.  Sure, he'll try to egg you on, by being nasty, berating you and threatening you.  He doesn't fight fair, so you're better off not engaging in my opinion.  Only engage when he's calm.  In the meantime, you can think it like giving him an "adult time out," not dissimilar to how you'd deal with a kid having a meltdown.  When having a meltdown, a kid (and an adult with BPD) is overcome by emotions and can't process words or logical arguments anyway.  In short, they are NOT listening to you, so it's better to stay silent in my opinion.  You give him more time and space to self-regulate, a skill that he hasn't learned yet.  But if your husband is a threat to himself or others, you need to call 911 in my opinion.  You have yourself and your kids to protect.