One reason many arriving here feel stuck in "staying" is that it is so hard to change "what is", that it might turn out to be unproductive or even disastrous.  Yet, with forethought, strategies and planning it doesn't have to be that way.  So the recommendation for you to quietly seek confidential and private legal advice is wise.

It is often mentioned that when repairing damaged relationships, sharing is important to restore trust.  But when a relationship has clearly failed, then it is time to be very cautious about what you share - your options and strategies - or else you risk being sabotaged.

William Eddy's inexpensive but excellent handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder has helped many here protect themselves, not just from the discord and dysfunction but also from the many possible legal pitfalls when seeking a divorce from someone so uncooperative and obstructive.

As for that feeling of having no support... how supportive are your children?  While their childhoods may not have been normal ones, your influence over the years hopefully have had positive impacts.  For all you may know, they might wish for you to find a better outcome than what exists now.  And hopefully at least some or all of them could be your advocates.

Years ago, after my initial separation, I still didn't know what to do next.  Once I accepted my ex still disparaged me and didn't want to reconcile, I filed for divorce first.  I never regretted filing first.  It allowed me to proactively structure at least some of my post-marriage life.  Although every resource stated it legally didn't matter, I did feel better that I was the Plaintiff and not the Respondent.  For me that was a Boundary shaping action.  Though she posed as a victim - a very aggressive victim - I knew the reality and so did the System, eventually.

It is a very tough position to be in, I am so sorry for you! I just wanted to add my 2 cents about the last question you ask about what to say to your daughter, because I have found myself (and still do) in the exact same position.

I do not have nephews or nieces, but I am currently pretty much estranged from my brother. My first daughter is now 6. Our period of almost complete no contact started when she was 2, with a small window around the time she was 4. So she has met him, somewhat remembers him, although memories are fading.
I think the comment that others did about never lying, never hiding, and gradually revealing is key. The surprising thing you will most likely find out is how sensitive these kids are. At times we treat them as if they were pets running around us, assuming they don't follow or understand the "grown up talks", but they understand surprisingly well. My daughter asked me the first questions about my brother when she was 3, and every now and then she does. I get the feeling she is scared about asking questions about it, because she realises her dad feels awful when thinking about these things, and she doesn't like to see her dad like this.

Anyway, I told her that at times grown ups fight or have problems, and that these were because uncle is not feeling very well and has problems. I am always very wary of "talking badly" about him, he has a disease after all and I want her to slowly be able to understand this. I will add details as I see fit. I am also always carefull to tell stories about my family that include him, so she does not "forget" about him and she understands I am not judging him or hating him.

I also made a rule that if my brother tries to contact my children before they are 16, I will not permit it unless we are in good terms. When they are 18 or so, they will be adults. My job will be over, hopefully they will know all I had to tell them, and they will be able to deal with him in the best way they will choose.

A small update: I have been visiting my mum for a week and have talked about the situation in depth. Strangely, when I was there I got the impression she didn't actually want to go ahead and do kick him out, and it seemed this was for two reasons: first, I think a part of her is anyway (understandably) scared and worried at the idea of asking police to evict her son. Second, she is nearing her 80s, and the place where they live is not the kind of place where you would want to live in your 80s. Too isolated etc. So she is considering moving herself, instead of having him move out.
I got the feeling the main reason she wanted to kick him out was basically to do "the dirty work" in my place, and making him leave before leaving herself, to avoid having him destroying the house I own. I told her that will be my responsibility when it comes to it, and she does not have to do anything or live hell to do it for me. Anyway, she left me the contact of her therapist and lawyer to get an update on the situation from them directly from a clinical and legal point of view.

Today I called the therapist. She gave me a summary of her view on the situation. She thinks a gradual approach where my mum starts to leave more often for short breaks and then moves out might work better than a sudden eviction notice from the police to my brother. The main reason is that she thinks he is incredibly frail, and not at all able to accept anything like this and do anything on his own. So she is scared of what he would do if he was to receive such a news, including doing harm to himself or others. A more gradual approach instead would make him used to the situation and to living on his own. In her opinion, it is highly likely that once my mum moves out, he would move out as well. But he would not be able to go to my mum's, as she is thinking to move into an assisted living facility.

I am left much more relieved about the situation after talking with the therapist to be honest. It seems both my mum and my brother are supported in some way, and that is good to hear. I think the house I own might become off limit for a while, and there might be problems in the future, but honestly that is the part I am the least interested in at the moment. The important thing is there might be a way for my mum to get a bit of peace, for my brother to be forced to gradually leave the nest and for me not to get triangulated in again.
The only thing that remains strange is that my mum is still keen that I call the lawyer as well... Who I have really no idea what might say, but given the discussion I had with the therapist there is not much they should do, I think... Unless my mum was actually still considering kicking out my brother against the advice from the therapist... But that was not the impression I got from my mum last week!
I will wait to manage to have a proper conversation with my mum (which can only happen when my brother is away) before seeing if I still have to contact the lawyer...

Welcome back!  As much as no one wants to suffer or encounter overwhelming distress, as the saying goes, there is light at the end of the tunnel and life can get so much better.

Thank you for paying it forward!

One pattern I've seen over the years and particularly in my own family court hurdles is that courts are very passively reluctant to make major changes to custody and parenting time schedules.  Same goes for the associated professionals.

It's almost as though the court expects major fixes to be too shocking to the children, so they take a "least intervention that addresses the current situation" approach.  I recall my lawyer saying something like that and I remember thinking - or saying - "What if the child wants and needs big changes?"  My parenting in my divorce was like the markets, huge crash at the beginning and then stair stepping back up over time.

You may need to get the services of a trusted Guardian ad Litem (GAL) to represent the legal interests of the children.  I recall William Eddy observing that experienced lawyers don't make much money in such assignments and too often newbies find themselves overextended.  But beware, even there the GAL may go along with the court's passive pace and minimalist approach.  My son's GAL was great but it took a few years and a couple order improvements to attain an order that worked.

I was in your shoes once upon a time.  It's awful.  It may also seem overwhelming to try to think of a way out, or even just a path forward, but if you start to break things down into smaller tasks, it gets easier. 

And just thinking and planning can provide mental relief from the situation.  I found that planning my way out, and doing small things helped me cope with the situation better and not get so emotionally wrapped up in the fights my now ex-wife would pick.

First of all, see if you can get into therapy.  Just having someone to talk to helps clear your head and make sense of the chaos.  BPDers love to muddy the waters around who is right, who said what, who is justified in being angry, who was wronged, etc. and if you're struggling to make sense of this stuff it can help to talk it out.

Second of all, see if you can scrape together $500 or so and visit an attorney for a private, confidential consultation on what the divorce process looks like and what the likely outcomes would be for you.  I did this, and I maintain it was the best money I ever spent. 

Once you have a legal roadmap of the path forward, you can identify other tasks and information you should start gathering.

Of course, you may also decide you don't want to leave, in which case that can also be helpful to underscore in your own mind that you need to find ways to co-exist with teh pwBPD better, instead of looking for a way out. 


How isolated are you?  Can you at least call and talk to them?  If you had to leave and go long distance, could you at least do that?

Filing first often provides some legal advantages.  This is why you need to speak with an attorney.

Also, as an aside, his behavior with money is REALLY suspicious.  I think you also need to know what he's spending his money on and where it's going.  Speaking to an attorney could open the door to recommendations for a private investigator (although they are not cheap) who could collect evidence you could use in court. 

LASTLY: Keep all your preparations and notes on this confidential.  If you can have things sent to your work address, rather than home address, do that.  Or get a P.O. Box or something like that. 

I did file a report.  CPS came out guns blazing, but then (somewhat predictably) went quiet.  But they are involved, FWIW (it is apparently not worth much). 

Aside from that, I won my first legal hurdle; the court is taking things more seriously & gave me everything I asked for temporarily, putting BPDxw behind the 8 Ball.  More hearings coming up if we can't settle, but I'm in the driver's seat, which is good. 

I first came to BPD FAMILY 13 years ago (Oct 2013). Only recognize a few members on here from back then. I haven’t posted on here since 2019.  A brief summary of my story.

-Married 18yrs had 2 sons 8 &13. Caught my wife (literally) in bed with a neighbor on FATHERS DAY 2013. Came home at night and kids were in bed with her nowhere in site, until I discovered her at neighbors.

-She abandoned myself, our sons and her family (Mom, Sister, Brother).

-She ends up with the neighbor (across the street) moves in with him and marries him. No thoughts or concerns about what Me and our sons have to deal with being that she is shaking up with neighbor.

-My sons and I go through a Literal Heal on Earth. Those early years were BRUTAL, every day felt like an ETERNITY.

-She told lies about me abusing her and our sons and other nonsense. I was abusive but she leaves the kids with me (make it make sense!!).

Please look up my posts for more details on my story and my journey to healing.

I stopped back in here to offer hope to anyone in the early stages of dealing with being hurt by a pwbpd especially if you were abandoned and lied about.  My journey was very painful but coming to BPD FAMILY and learning about FOG and getting myself out of the dysfunctional cycle was life saving.  I learned on these boards that I needed to go no contact to allow myself to step back and see things as they really were.

Being able to see others sharing THEIR VERY SIMILAR stories made me realize that I wasn’t alone and that I wasn’t going crazy.

Thanks to my faith in Jesus and my education on here I was able to forgive my Ex Wife wBPD and to FOCUS on my healing, my emotional health and especially raising my 2 sons who were in as much shock and pain as I was.

My life now:

-Healed and emotionally healthy.  I dealt with all the pain and anger and left it in the past.

-I have a very close and open relationship with my sons now 26 & 21. We are open honest with each other and are able to talk about anything. Being in the trenches together with them as the BPD bombs were going off all around us drew us very close to each other. What parent doesn’t want that.

-Met a beautiful Christian woman (widowed) and we’ve been dating for 3+ years.  She is such a blessing in my life!!

-I don’t interact with my Ex Wife wBPD much these days as our kids are now adults BUT she also benefitted from me being on here as I got to a place where I could be cordial and civil with her. TRUST ME I HAD NOTHING BUT HATE FOR HER WHEN I FIRST GOT ON HERE (check out my old posts, and my profile name says it all).

-Lastly my faith in my Heavenly Father & Savior has grown through this whole ordeal as I had to cry out to God as my whole world was crumbling around me.  I can’t help but to believe that it was God that led me to this site.

My heart goes out to all the hurting men and women who are just starting out on this journey or who are still in the throes of a lifelong struggle. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and take it one day and even one moment at a time.  There is light at the end of the tunnel!!

Sincerely MWC

Romans 8:28

My apologies as my post deleted 95% of what I wrote.  I will ...TRY... to Re-Post.  frustrating as there is NO WAY to delete my original post that was incomplete.

MWC

 

I will forever be grateful to all BPDFamily members and resources for supporting me in the darkest of times.

Today 10 years on my daughter is supporting your loved ones.

WDx