OK Aristotle.  You take your mom back to her home and you go back to yours.  There is nothing wrong with that!

I'd say, if your mom is tormenting you, you go ahead and block her on your phone.  Is there a risk she'll come looking for you at your place?  Then change your locks, if she has a key.  If she bangs on your door, you call the cops.  If she threatens you with violence, call the cops.  If necessary, you get a restraining order, and if she violates it in any way, you call 911.

But I suspect that maybe your mom isn't the physical assaulting type, but rather the type of person who thinks she's helpless, and she whines and puts up a fuss at all hours to get you to be her slave.  I think the way to deal with that is to cut off communications with her.  She can get help elsewhere--social services, senior services, a hospital, neighbors, other family members.  She has money, so let her take care of herself for once.  If she has a physical disability, she can arrange for appropriate care, or possibly move to assisted living.  Sure, she might feel emotionally dependent on you, needing to whine and lash out at you whenever she feels like it.  Well that's going to stop because you're not hearing it anymore.

You are responsible for YOU.  She's responsible for her.  You worry about YOU.  She can worry about herself.

I think that once you get some time and space away from your mom, you'll start to feel a little better.  It might take some time and adjustment, but right now, it sounds like you're having a trauma-based response, of fight or flight.  Maybe your brain is working overtime, worrying about the potential repercussions, because let's face it, your mom is extremely disodered.  But that's not your concern right now.  You need to get back on track to taking care of YOU.  That includes getting regular sleep, eating right, taking care of your finances and doing your job.  If you need therapy, get it.  Once things settle down, you can breathe a little easier and maybe have time for exercise, hobbies, friends.  You deserve that.

Also, I don't want you to feel guilty.  That's just your mom playing Jedi mind tricks on you.  A healthy mom would be over the moon that her kid got a law degree and a job in NYC.  A healthy mom would want her adult child to flourish.  So you go do that, OK?

I was smart enough to keep her home when I moved. She’s going back to hers and I will leave and go back to my own.

Hi Aristotle,

Welcome back.  I'm really glad you graduated and achieved financial independence.  But I'm sorry you're at the end of your rope with your disordered mom.  That she treats you badly in spite of all that you've done for her just proves she's mentally impaired.

I think you need to do what you have to do to get away from your mom.  I'm just not clear on whether you're kicking your mom out of YOUR home, or if you're leaving her home to go somewhere else.  If it's the latter, I think you just leave and not tell her where you're going.  If I remember correctly, your mom has financial resources, so she can figure out her own situation.

IMHO, you are not wrong.  I relate to your desparation.  What you are describing is more than a person should be expected to stand.  Your well-being is at stake and this is doing nothing to improve hers.  I do not know the logistical options you have but saving yourself is critical.

Hello,

Some of you may remember me from my posts a few years ago. As an update, I was able to wrestle my finances free. I graduated from school (later than I was supposed to do b/c of my mom). I got a job as a lawyer in NYC. Unfortunately, I had to take my mom with me because she couldn’t be left alone.

It has been a nightmare from start to finish. The verbal multi hour assaults, being demonized for lying when I’m trying to keep her safe from herself, having the cops come to my house, etc. Then her medical needs just continue increasing and I’m sleeping maybe two or three days out of the week for 4 hours or less. Then the difficulties and verbal assaults coming from her trying to regulate.

I can’t take it anymore. I’m doing something today after I spoke with a family member that lives with her brother. He’s the exact same way. The situation will never get better.

Am I unethical? She has an appointment in our home state and I’m taking her back there and I’m calling 911 to report that I am an abused caregiver and I am leaving. She doesn’t know what I’m planning and she’s been abusing me for days thinking that I am still the same person.

I’ve called everyone and let them know that I’m leaving her on Sunday so that she can’t destroy me by Monday morning. I’m so conflicted because I do not ordinarily operate this way, and I’m definitely going to shatter her heart and become public enemy #1.

I also have to take her dog. She’s 14, and I do not want to leave this to chance on her own wellbeing. It was not suppose to end this way, but if I do not do something, I will quite literally die. My body is giving out on me.

Am I wrong????

Hi again Jazz,

In the last years of my dad's life, he gradually lost his faculties, and he had all sorts of physical ailments, including vision and hearing loss.  Anyway, there were many times my mom couldn't talk sense into him--about driving, about following doctors' orders.  That's when she'd call me to ask me to talk some sense into him, because I was "the only person he'd listen to."  Maybe your son could fill that role?  His opinion might have more weight than yours, as there's less emotional baggage, and he's younger.  Honestly, there were a couple of times I arranged things for my dad for his own good, without consulting him.  As an example, he was accidentally buying stuff online and paying for subscriptions that he had no use for.  I just shut down that sort of thing, and he never complained about it because he didn't even know he had made those purchases.  Of course, my dad wouldn't have trusted my mom to touch his computers, but he trusted me.  I restored his tablet back to working order, which is what he wanted.  Then the deal was, if he wanted to do any sort of financial transaction, he'd call me, and I'd do it FOR him.  I think he liked having me as a "personal secretary," while for him, it was much easier to call me and have me do it, rather than attempt it himself!  I guess what I'm saying is that if outside help is framed as something that makes his life easier, while he's still the boss--instead of an issue of ceding control or being bossed around--he might buy into it.

There came a time where my dad wasn't safe behind the wheel anymore.  Of course, there were early signs of diminished capacity, such as increasing confusion and disorientation, for a person who usually had no problem getting around.  On top of that, he had vision loss, which made driving downright dangerous.  Ultimately, my mom took over the driving, except perhaps for the shortest, simplest trips inside a gated community.  And you know what?  I think my dad warmed to the idea of having a personal chauffeur.  He could sit more comfortably in the car, nap on longer trips, and be delivered right to the front door, while my mom parked the car, saving him some steps.  Again this isn't framed so much as "taking away the keys of the car," but making things easier for him. 

It's been quite a while, but I decided to come back here and give more or less a "final" update. Maybe others will see this and it'll help them gain some hope.

I ended up focusing on myself a lot since my last update. I feel like I'm in the best physical shape I've ever been in my life because I started hitting the gym seriously. I've been reading a crap ton and even started writing (just for my own eyes). Also picked up many of the past hobbies I had stopped, like painting and photography. Little by little things improved on the mental side too, I no longer feel like I miss my ex and I rarely think about it. I'm not depressed and I've found my joy again. I also have a cat now and got my driver's license and a car! Soon I'll be moving to a new city.

I didn't try meeting new people, but by complete accident I met a girl and ended up going on dates. Things went incredibly well and we've been in a relationship officially since a few months! It's so, SO refreshing not having to feel like walking or eggshells or feeling like I have to take care of someone's mental wellbeing. It's not the obsessive kind of love we had with my ex, it feels more tempered and chill, more secure. I'm so happy! I can't believe it even happened. Going back and reading my posts here makes me realise how blind I was.

Around 2 weeks ago, after I had been posting stuff with my girlfriend on instagram, I noticed that my ex had unblocked my account (her likes showed back up on my old posts). Then she tried to contact me, but I didn't read anything and blocked her. Felt almost like the closure I so desperately needed when I was at my worst.

I know this won't be very helpful to anyone who's in the situation I used to be. I remember reading and hearing that things DO get better from others and I certainly couldn't believe it. But I want to add my voice to the choir and maybe give someone a tiny bit of hope. You can and will be happy again. Good luck on your own journey <3

The most important thing you can do is be there to listen to what your daughter says. 

If you're with your daughter and your wife is not present, you can be more open with her.  I still would not mention BPD, or bad mouth your wife, or anything like that, but you shouldn't also defend her behavior toward your daughter, and validate your daughter's feelings about it. 

If your wife is present, and your in the midst of conflict, it's more challenging to negotiate, but you have to be careful not to take sides, and try to defuse things without making your daughter feel unsupported.  She's also going to be looking to you for guidance, and if you're doing one thing and saying another, you're going to lose credibility in her eyes. 

It's not going to be easy, but if you consider your words and actions carefully, you can navigate this issue without losing your daughter's trust, or escalating the fighting; that I think are your two goals when in the midst of it. 

it sounds like at least you don't have to worry about placating your wife if you're already planning an exit from the marriage. 

Many (most?) states' DMV require re-testing of the eye exam at every driver license renewal after a certain age. How soon is your husband's renewal due? That might be a way to get his license taken.

Accidents and injury is a very real concern. My dad was still driving at 91 (!!). He started having AFIB episodes where he "zoned out" for several minutes. This happened when he was driving home one day from the post office, and he ran into the back of a truck at a stoplight, then went off the road and rolled his car. It could have been a lot worse as it was, he broke his thumb. The car was totalled. When he came home from his follow-up (my cousin had taken him), he walked in and announced he had decided not to drive anymore. I suspect his doctor told him it was time to stop, that the situation could happen again, and that he would never forgive himself if he hurt someone else.

Perhaps your husband's PCP could talk with him about which daily activities are becoming difficult?

I wonder if anyone else has this issue.

As a disclaimer, I must admit that things have improved with my adult daughter, due in large part to finding a therapist that she very much connected with since she was 15. She's 23 now. Teen years were hard with three "hospital" stays and a reliance on self-harm to cope that was difficult for her to shake. She seemed to loathe us then and that was incredibly hard for us. Did DBT twice and found it helpful. She lives about 4 hrs away with from us with an amazing girlfriend, she has a job and is relying less on us financially as she often states that she wishes to be self-reliant in that way, but is thankful for our help.

What seems to remain and that I've had to "radically accept" is that she find it hard to visit home, and to simply be around my husband and I. This is where I almost feel compelled to fall all over myself and "swear" that we were supportive parents, we didn't berated her, or say things to put her down. When she "came out" to us there was no drama, and we told her we loved her, and thanked her for telling us. We did DBT training as well and learned to validate, and we learned to meet her where she is and developed the ability to let her lead with interactions.

So let me get to the point:  we see her for very short amounts of time. This is what seems to work for her, and it's rather heartbreaking for us. She is an actor, so when she has a play she always tells me. I get tickets, and see the performance, get to hug her and gush about her performance afterwards, and then....she goes back to her apt, I go back to my hotel, and I catch the train home the next day. There is no grabbing a coffee, or a snack or just chatting. I literally see her for about ten minutes after the show, and that's it until months later. That's enough for her. It's been this way for years.  Same happened when she was in college. If we ask to get a bite etc. she declines, feigning that she has "work to do," but over time we realized she wasn't comfortable around us. I imagine we instill an anxiety by our presence. 

I finally got up the nerve to tell her (in a voice message...so in a way that was less "confrontational) that I missed her, and I'd like to see her to grab a meal or chat a little, when I come to her town. Or "do" something with her, if she comes home. Mentioned I'd love to go to a movie or just watch a movie with her at home  etc. She was very receptive, said we could absolutely do that (I think the years of therapy have helped her)....but... nothing has changed.

If she comes home, she's in her (old) room for hours. She'll come out and interact with our dog, briefly chat, and then go out with friends. The only way she'll be around us is if a friend is present. THEN she comes to life. She's bubbly, friendly, engaging....but it appears she cannot do that without the buffer of someone else being around.

She came home briefly to pick up her cat which we were watching while she was on vacation. I had mentioned that I'd love to watch a movie with her. She said she had "work to do," to get ready for a play, and then candidly said, "you know, coming home is not one of my favorite things to do, and ....it's easier to be around you if I have a friend with me." Wow ...I can appreciate the candor, but that was so hard to hear. It's a wonder she comes home at all, if that's how she feels. (She typically doesn't come for holidays...but did for a few days last year which was a huge surprise).

I have friends with such close relationships with their daughters. I yearn for that...but maybe it's just too much. I have to appreciate that she at least wants me at performances, does call me to share good or bad news, does ask for my advice....but cannot handle actually spending time with me.

Does anyone else struggle with this?