I saw that sort of behavior a lot in BPDxw; her pattern of trying on new identities was more akin to a kid playing "dress up."  Seemed like different needs drove the behavior, but above all else was a need for attention and adulation.  When she hit some career or educational milestone, she loved to post about it on social media with this sort of "if anyone tells you that you can't have it all, look at me as an inspiration"... and of course, she never noted that I played any part in her achievement, from paying for all the classes/fees/preparation materials for exams, to babysitting our child on weekends for months on end so she could study.  (I actually didn't mind the latter as much, because I was able to take my daughter places and relax without her mom's tantrums)

But yeah, the need to try on different personas struck me as very superficial and immature.  I remember early in our relationship having a discussion with her about her career path (we are nominally in the same profession) and when I was talking about realistic starting points for her I remember her scoffing at how "small" I thought, as she started describing the corner office in a high rise she expected to have immediately.  Like... this is someone in a new country, with a foreign education from a not-well-regarded country, no connections, no family money, no expertise or experience in the field, and she's just wrapped up in the image of how she wants to look. 

I helped get her a volunteer position, and I remember her bringing home some binders of material to review, and announcing with great flair she had "all this work to do this weekend" and then of course the binders sat there unopened for the next 48 hours, and on Sunday evening she seemed confused when I asked if she had done any of the work...

And that has largely continued in her professional career: a lot of joining things, signing up to be social chair, "networking," and jumping from job to job once the guy who hired her gets tired of her schtick.  She recently went back to school for another degree, and I was just thinking she probably took on a few $100,000 in loans to pay for it, money that would have been better spent on just about anything else.

People with BPD traits are known to endlessly resist boundaries.  And whenever we make an exception they will behave as though that exception negated the entire boundary.  So what to do?  Something not very intuitive... Boundaries are for us.  How so?  Our boundaries are what we do in response to poor behavior incidents and patterns.

Of course, expect push back.  We call them extinction bursts, determined efforts to get us to retreat back to the prior failed patterns.  Still, there will be setbacks as with any addictions, but they must be overall positive, as in the "two steps forward, one step back" variety.

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) often never do get diagnosed.  So we have to deal with what we see and experience and conclude accordingly.  I remember my sibling was often sarcastic and seemed to have a chip on his shoulder, so to speak.  I always called him the grumpy one but I have concluded he has never been diagnosed.

PwBPD are largely unpredictable but in some ways they have predictable patterns.  They will typically have emotional overreactions to common triggers... weddings, funerals, anniversaries, family events, preparing for vacations, vacations, graduations, etc.


Over a decade ago one of our members faced a concern about her mother's likely behavior at her upcoming wedding.  I admit, her approach was a bit more drastic than Notwendy's gentler approach.  I dug this out of the way back archives.

Congratulations on the wedding. I don't think this is coincidental, not that your sister is connsciously doing this on purpose but from what I have seen, a pwBPD has a high need for attention and mental energy and will notice a shift in the focus on them. They will see this as something being taken from them- on purpose (victim mentality).

If your sister has BPD, she does not have the emotional stablity to reason that your wedding is your special day and that your parents' attention is expected to be on you. What she senses is the change in their attention.

This could be anything, not just your wedding. It might have been if your parents were busy with something else, or someone had a cold, or for any reason not providing their usual attention to her. You are able to say to yourself "Mom and Dad are busy" for your sister, who sees things from victim perspective, she sees "Mom and Dad are purposely not paying attention to me".

This is your wedding and also it's a big milestone for your parents. It's a happy one but also emotional. They've seen your first steps, your first day of school, all the way up to this one. Milestones, even good ones, are emotional for parents and so they are not as focused on your sister. Also family events come with some stresses and your sister is feeling that too. All this sets the stage for a pwBPD to act up.

I agree with having some kind of contingency plan. One is to designate someone to pay attention to your sister. My BPD mother was older but one thing I did for a family event was to hire a one on one caregiver/companion for her. This person's role was to be completely attentive to her, bring her her meals, and be her companion. This person dressed up like a guest and noone was the wiser. BPD mother did know it was help- but it appeared like a friend at the event.

With your sister being younger, this wouldn't work but something similar- a friend, companion, relative- someone who can be focused on her during the wedding and not get into drama with her- and also someone who will take her out of the room if she acts up. PwBPD tend to hold it together in front of people, so unless your sister drinks too much or gets overly agitated, she may not- but the standby friend may help. It may be an extra guest at the wedding but the cost for that is well worth the peace of mind. Your sister may decide to not show up and also might change her mind at the last minute but there will be someone on standby however this goes.

Hi Tired1121
It has been a while since I have been here – things got so chaotic in my world that there was very little space. But here I am, and I could just identify so much with the exhaustion and concern that you have that I had to make time to write – just to pass on that you are not alone.

Goodness you have been/are going through the mill and yes the nitrous oxide is such a worry. There are so many things that are happening – each day you are faced with the ‘atmosphere’ of someone who sulks around etc and it seems there will be no end to living this way.

Just a few comments from my own – pretty awful – experience with BPD.

I found that understanding BPD has been a game changer. For example, when I understood that I was my BPD’s ‘target of blame’ I was able to learn to let all the blaming and abuse fly past me. It sounds like you are the target of blame – it usually is the one most relied upon to accept them.

Another thing is being overwhelmed by all the things that are wrong. I am interested in the fact that your DD has a job. Has she had the job for long, is it full time and does she manage to keep going without too much reliance on you?

I think this is a very positive thing. My DD has never been able to hold down a regular job so there is no possibility of structure in her life.

We want to ‘fix’ things so much – to help take their pain away. We can see the tragedy of homelessness and mental illness looming if they keep making certain choices.

In this regard I think that you did the right thing offering the gummies and it may be that one a day will avert a disaster in DD’s mental health until, hopefully, some way forward is found. Harm minimization is a legitimate way to go, particularly when the possibility of serious harm is on the cards.

I tried to help my DD start living independently and I think I tried too hard and too soon. Every situation and every person who comes here is different and all possible options are on the table for each person. In my case I could not accept DD living on the street so she knows she can always come here. She has been in several domestic violence situations and she has been saved by having a place to go to so that she is able to leave.

But that choice I made meant that I had to find a way to live a very different life. Some of the things that guide me are:
I don’t have huge expectations of my DD around the house. Somehow I feel that the more I try to set up routines etc, the more I am ‘setting up’ confrontation.

I try to have my ‘time out’ from being around DD, and, importantly, put my mind on to things other than DD. It’s an active thing to do – switch my thoughts to something else and allot certain time to having her in my thoughts.

Finally I would like to encourage you to back yourself. You know your child and you know your situation. I followed everyone’s advice for a while till I realized I am the only one dealing with my situation, my child.

If you can take small time outs – just to try to lift the exhaustion a little. Be kind to yourself whenever you can. You are coping with what I think is the most difficult condition of all and here there are people who know just how hard that is.

Thank you for posting. Every time someone is prepared to tell their story it sends the message to others that they are not alone.

You and your fiance need to be always united when dealing with your mother, as though walls against an irresistible force.  And keep an objective perspective overall.  Think outside the box, not from a subjective perspective, but an objective one.

I suspect your mother might get triggered or make a scene at wedding preparations, the wedding, reception, perhaps much more in future years.  This is where firm boundaries are important.  However, in life there are occasionally exceptions needed.  When you do need to relax a boundary, your mother will jump on it as though changed forever and not an exception.  So if you do make exceptions, be very clear your overall boundaries remain in place.  Your boundaries, when rigorously maintained, will protect you and your loved ones.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I wish there was a way to "fix this" so it doesn't continue.  Unfortunately though, BPD can't be fixed unless someone is ready to put in considerate time and effort in therapy.  Even before that though, they have to realize that the problem within their life actually comes from within. 

But to admit that to yourself as a mentally ill person when there's zero answer on how to overcome it...it's almost impossible.  For that reason, your mom deserves compassion.  What she says and does is genuine since she believes it wholeheartedly.  Why?  Because the actual truth is too much to bear- every failed relationship came from her sabotaging everything good in her life.

I remember a time my BPD daughter sprained her ankle.  It was a bad sprain and the doctor told her to move around as little as possible for a month, to wear boots that supported the ankle, etc.  But instead, my kid wore flip flops and ran/jumped every oportunity she had.  As a result, a short term injury became like a two-year cycle of anger, blame, sympathy plays....even though there was a clear way to fix things.  Just do what the doctor said, what everyone is telling you.  Just let it heal.  But she simply refused to be told what to do.

Your mom is in the exact same position, she needs to mentally heal through therapy.  But instead, she leans on you for emotional support while trying to destroy anything in your life that gets in the way.  That's why your parents' marriage failed, and it could be why your marriage eventually fails as well.  It is manipulation at its finest.

I said all of that to say this- you are responsible for you.  Mom is responsible for mom.  When that no longer feels true, it's time to take a few steps back.  I do agree with you that mom needs your endless compassion and empathy to function, but once you begin to withdraw, she will simply find someone else to fill that void.  She's done it her entire life.  This is not your job though and it's not your responsiblity.

Push back on her narratives surrounding your childhood, but at the same time make it crystal clear, "I love you but I will not talk about this anymore.  It is emotionally draining."  If she respects that, great.  If not, hang up and distance yourself for a few days.  Then rinse and repeat.

Do this exact same thing when it comes to your job, your partner, your lifestyle, your family, etc.  If this is to be a mutual relationship, then you get some say in what you actually talk about and your feelings should be respected.  The one-way relationship has to end though, there's nothing in it for you but harm and emotional trauma.

This plays out one of two ways- either mom learns to respect your boundaries, or you end up no contact.  The only one who can change this dynamic is you though, and your healthy boundaries will drive her one step closer to admitting the ugly truth- she's seriously ill and needs to take therapy seriously.  Letting her dominate your life has the exact opposite effect; there's no need to change anything if she gets her disordered emotion support from you.

You have to choose one path- either you're in charge of you, or mom's disordered thinking is.

None of us are vengeful, of course, but I am reminded of an old saying in which I will replace 'revenge' with 'outcome' ... "The best {outcome} is to live a good life."

Thank you for sharing so much about how his relationship has impacted you. I completely relate to what you said about being highly emotional, empathetic and confrontation-averse. I am exactly the same way, and as I've learned more about BPD (in my case it is my sister), I am realizing that some of these core pieces of my personality have developed due to the efforts I've taken to navigate an unpredictable relationship with an individual locked into a victim mentality. I am curious how many other community members here relate to that as well.

While the nuances of all of our stories are different, I think one of the biggest themes that we all face is understanding how to set boundaries that protect ourselves while still being present for our loved one who is suffering. But at the end of the day YOU deserve to have peace. Sometimes protecting yourself and the other relationships that you cherish means releasing control and divesting yourself of the caretaker role. I'll share something that happened to me that got my wheels turning about this: last year I hosted Thanksgiving, and I caught myself going to extreme lengths to keep my sibling happy and entertained and calm at my own expense. Because of the empathy I've developed, I can feel the shifts in her mood and can usually feel an emotional episode brewing before it happens. During this holiday weekend I realized I was taking it upon myself to "head her off at the pass" by adjusting any variables that were upsetting to her, whether it was the direction a conversation was going or a comment someone made that she found upsetting. After the holiday I got very sick, and I had a bit of an "aha" moment that I couldn't do it anymore. Walking on eggshells with her was impacting me both mentally AND physically.

Al Anon is designed for loved ones of individuals suffering from substance use disorder, with the core philosophy being shifting focus from your loved one to yourself. I've actually found Al Anon meetings to be really helpful with boundary setting and detachment for my pwBPD. If you're looking for more resources, this may be a useful model to take a peek at. Ultimately, we can't control our loved ones' emotions or how they choose to interpret the past and the present. But we can find ways to prioritize our own emotional needs.