And that's okay...keep coming here to vent.  Sometimes we vent right back at you.  Just know that the peer support here is never criticism; it's advice on what helped in other people's lives for them.  Maybe it's helpful, maybe not.  But the intent is there anyway and I think most here are genuine in want to help.

Your situation is pretty unique since you're in the same building (well, one building over) from your ex daily and have to interact with overlapping co-workers.  I can see others in the office thinking, "They used to be so close, hopefully they can get that back and maybe they'd even work if they gave it another chance."  They also probably have good intentions and they don't know your full story of what's happened and how impossible it was at times.  Honestly, there's nothing you can do about that other than to politely decline their offers of encouragement.

I'm very glad that things are continuing to get better for you.  Keep it up!

I only vent here now which I think is good. At work I'm calm/productive. I have 'seen' her in passing a few times and never reacted, made any contact of any sort. That's how I'm going to keep it. She comes into my building, I'm not freaked out anymore. Time has definitely helped and I'm absolutely working on myself while choosing to be single. I just get annoyed when people either try to make me work with her on things that are truly not necessary (I'm not even being biased, there's no business need), or want me to almost befriend her again.

I am doing a million times better but I know my posts don't read that way.

This is definitely a journey- learning when my helping is actually hurting but understanding at the same time that help isn't all or nothing. Especially with our kids if we are able to maintain a relationship with them .

So much of my work at this moment is on my internal reactions to to something my swubpd does or says that I feel my anxiety triggered and I start to think worst case scenario thoughts. Then react.
Something as simple as him texting I love you Mom , just thinking about you and two days later calling with the same. I imagine him in his worst lost and lonely place, which he has been before. Instead of my worrying and reaching out way too much and checking in. I used cbt skills I'm learning to have more realistic thoughts and bring my anxiety down.  I feel better and I gave him space to manage his emotions.  I hope this gets easier over time. Thanks for all the encouragement and support. 

To follow up on this- you have learned from this. Before this relationship- you didn't know what you would experience. Rather than see this in a wrong/right context- consider what you'd do differently in the next relationship, when that happens and if it takes some time in between- that's good too.

Being single is also an opportunity for growth. Without someone else in your focus, you can focus on who you are, as a person, and what kind of relationship you want one day. You are already doing this by staying fit, focusing on work.

You weren't being "stupid". I know a few people who I think are competent and smart people and who have "fallen" for disordered people. It is hard to tell in the beginning. It's hard to really know anyone in the beginning as everyone puts their best foot forward when meeting someone new.

There's some red flags to sleeping with someone a week after ending a relationship with a fiance, but it's not just the act. It's the speed of the new relationship and that there wasn't any time between ending a serious relationship and starting a new one. Finding a new one quickly is more of an act of self soothing than dealing with the loss.

I'm married and so not dating but even in my every day life I meet people that I feel cautious about.

Speaking of prior experiences too quickly and from victim perspective is another red flag. Sharing TMI right away shows lack of boundaries. If I meet someone- male or female- even only on a friend basis-and they quickly start sharing very personal information with me, to me, that's a sign to be cautious.

Trust your gut. Sometimes I might meet someone and feel a sense of unease around them. Pay attention to your feelings in any relationship.

Don't be bitter and shut everyone out but also be cautious and don't move quickly in relationships. Friendships, and more than that, are built over time.

I think this is true. In some way, I think it will always feel hurtful when this happens, but we learn to work through it and move on. In actuality- their actions aren't about us at all.

For people who have a need to scapegoat and blame someone for whatever reasons- that's actually sad for them to feel some need to do that. Although these people cause strife for you at times, you are the fortunate one- you can be empathetic and not treat people like that.

We don't always have a choice of who we speak to. We may have to speak to an annoying co-worker, or relative, but in this case- you do have the choice, unless it's a direct contact situation at work that is unavoidable. You don't have to talk to her if it's not absolutely necessary.

As to not wanting to have contact with someone again after they've been with someone else- that's still your choice. You don't have to consider it weird- preferences are personal. We don't choose co-workers, or family- but we do choose who to have a relationship with and how people behave is part of that choice. Boundaries like that protect both people- because if you did reconnect and felt that way- you'd feel disgusted and they'd sense that and be unhappy. You don't have to compromise yourself.

It's possible she's take victim perspective with someone at the office and they are unknowingly stepping in as rescuers. IMHO the best way to let drama fizzle is to not react with emotion, or give any fuel to it. Act ethically, keep focused on work. You have a lot of control here- you can block her on your phone, on social media,  not reply to messages and emails. The concept "gray rock". PwBPD may thrive on drama. If you don't supply it- they may move on. People are mostly focused on themselves and their own needs, and tend to have a short attention span to gossip, drama- and without reacting- it will fizzle out in time.

If her father passes, that is sad, but you are not her emotional caretaker. You don't have to respond to that either, and if you think responding will prompt an attempt to reach out- don't do it, because you don't want to send a message that could be misinterpreted. IMHO it's not being uncaring- it's respecting a boundary.

You can hold your own boundary with someone you don't want any contact with. If you ran into her and she mentioned it- you could say "sorry for your loss" and then excuse yourself from further conversation.

Maybe this will help give some perspective.

I'm a huge NFL football fan and my hometown team has been average for about 20 years now.  They've consistently beat some of the top teams in the league, and they've consistently blown games against the worst of the worst.  It's perplexing to say the least and they're just not consistent.

On the football forum I've posted on for gosh, maybe 25-30 years now, some people are sky high with the first few wins of the season and 100% doom/gloom after a few losses.  I've never understood that though because if your only focus is being league champs, 31 of 32 franchises are going to be miserable every season.  Only 1 team ultimately wins, so why put all your hope in the final outcome?  To me, that takes away from actually enjoying the season and the big plays, etc.

For me, I enjoy each game week by week, regardless if we win or lose.  If we get blown out, okay, maybe there's not a lot of positives there.  But even then, teams usually bounce back and have a great game the following week.  That mindset lets me enjoy my team regardless of circumstances.

What's the point here?  You dated a mentally ill woman.  There were some great memories and some lousy ones.  You helped her reconnect with family, you helped her dig deeper into herself.  And no, you didn't "fix her".  But none of us ever have.  That would be the "Super Bowl" of BPD relationships, if one of us figured out how to completely heal our partners.

You had a journey- some good, some bad.  That's okay.  Enjoy the fond memories and let go of the ugly ones.  Forgive her for being broken.

Why?  The relationship has been over for awhile now, but she still has power over you.  What's she going to do?  What's she gonig to say to someone next?  Where will she show up next?  You have to let all of that stuff go, and the path to doing that is actually forgiving her from within.  That doesn't mean you'll be friends again or anything like that either- that's not what this is about.  It's to allow you to heal and truly move on, even though you see her weekly still.

Sometimes we want to look back on the relationship and declare it total failure because it ultimately ended.  I don't see it that way though.  We lived and learned and loved and did the best we could.  It's more about the journey and the growth than it is the end result.  And you've certainly frown signifigantly from her being in your life.  That's not a bad thing at all.

100%. Even during our faux one month breakup I made sure to tell her we'll take this time to better ourselves for eachother. A break, which I never believed in until I did it with her, meant no dates, texting men, kissing, sex, nothing. Zero contact with members of the opposite sex. She said she didn't and I believe it because the weird breakup was odd in that after a few days she was at my house everyday, slept here, showered, her belongings were still here. Nonsense.

And yeah, before dating me she never saw her dad according to her, because he was abusive. Albeit, not physically, emotionally, sexually...her words too. So I'm unsure what that even means. Probably just more lies and victimization. Because apparently I'm abusive in all meanings of the  word and a Narcissist. I convinced her to rekindle that relationship given his health, we helped him move into his new gfs home, many things.

So I see that as some sort of leverage on her end given he's quite old, strangely given her age. Surgeries, kidney issues, etc. That's my next fear/hurdle. My only response that I rehearse is "I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you and your family can heal and grow together". And that's only if she's brave enough to make an in person approach at work or come to my house since she's blocked everywhere.

But who knows, maybe her sister too, who has a dozen mental health diagnoses as well and is just an overall mess. That entire family has some sad issues. I wish I was never dumb enough to start this relationship.

Hi Mom,

You've come to the right place.  You are not alone.  You are also not to blame, no matter how much your daughter is trying to convince you otherwise.  You didn't cause BPD, and you can't cure it, either.  Your daughter is the one with the problem, and she's also the one with the solution!  The rub is, she has decide to get some help (and take it seriously) so that she can start to feel better.  And typically that happens after she hits bottom, when getting help seems like the only remaining option.

I understand that things probably feel like they are reaching a crisis point right now.  I haven't dealt with dealth threats from the pwBPD in my life.  That is serious.  And if you are scared, that is serious, too.  Yet I can't help but think that your daughter is projecting her ill feelings onto you.  My guess is that if she says she thinks you should die, that's code for how she thinks about herself.  My adult BPD stepdaughter would say things like, "You're horrible, you're a miserable excuse for a human, you should be euthanized."  Again, that's all code for how she thinks about herself.  But I'd say, that's a different tone than a direct threat to kill me.  I wasn't ever really scared of my pwBPD, I was more scared FOR her.  Nevertheless, if your daughter is actively threatening you, I think you should call 911.  Also, you should try to record the incident, because there's a real risk that when the cops come, your daughter will flip the script and say YOU were the one threatening HER.  That sort of thing happened in my family, and it's a common occurrence on these boards, too.

Having written all that, I can't help but be an optimist.  First off, BPD is treatable.  That's the first thing I read when I Googled it after learning of my adult stepdaughter's diagnosis.  That gave me some hope.  Secondly, your daughter has YOU.  I have no doubt that you are her strongest ally in the treatment journey, because you're her mom, you're in your daughter's life, and you're here.  Thirdly, your daughter is young.  She can turn her life around before BPD completely derails it.  If she's not self-medicating with illicit substances, that's a big plus, too.  Once my adult BPD stepdaughter started taking therapy seriously and quit marijuana, she turned her life around pretty quickly, in a couple of years.  Though there were some setbacks, and though she still struggles, her life looks much, much healthier than it once did.  I'm not fearing for her life on a daily basis anymore, and I'm cautiously optimistic for her.

It seems to me that the 20s are probably the worst for BPD.  My theory is it's because your daughter is bumping up against an adult's world with adult-level stresses, but with the emotional skills set of a youngster.  She has challenges with extreme, black-and-white thinking, which is overwhelmingly negative.  Her expectations remain as a youngster's--to be cared for, catered to and be the perennial center of attention--setting herself up for constant disappointment.  She has low distress tolerance, low patience, low resilience.  She doesn't really know who she is or what she wants, making it hard for her to pick a major or a path for her future.  Without the scaffolding which middle school and high school provided, she's having trouble managing her schedule on her own.  She can't really fathom planning or working towards long-term goals.  She demands way too much devotion and attention from friends, and acts out when she's not getting it.  She throws tantrums, which in an adult seem totally unwarranted and out of place.  Since she's erratic, she experiences losses--quitting school, quitting jobs, quitting relationships, quitting on herself--which induce intense feelings of shame and anger.  Let me guess:  Your daughter is sleeping most of the days away?  Does her room look like a mess?  Is she eating junk?  Is she doom-scrolling on her phone all the time?  Is she neglecting her hygiene?  Her room is a mess, her body is a mess, her life is a mess--I think all of that is a manifestation of her messed-up thinking.  Her negative emotional turmoil has practically hijacked her brain.

To cope, your daughter embraces a victim mindset.  She feels constantly traumatized, by life and everyone in it.  It's not just one person (an ex boyfriend, an absent dad)--she thinks everyone traumatizes her.  I've written here before that I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it basically renders her helpless.  She's so busy blaming everyone else that she feels powerless over her own life.  Instead of working on herself, she's re-writing history into a convoluted victim narrative.  My theory is that the farther back in history she goes (dredging up negative incidents from early childhood), the more frightened she is about the present and the future.  Why does she do this?  It's all a deflection from her current issues.  She's basically saying, it's YOUR fault her life sucks, because she had a terrible childhood, and you OWE her to fix it.  Does that sound about right?

OK, so where does that leave you?  Probably exhausted, fearful, resentful, distressed, grieving, financially strained, lacking energy, with faltering relationships, maybe angry too, with a touch of PTSD.  You might feel like you're living with an emotional terrorist, because your daughter has gone nuclear, with threats of suicide and violence, and she's MAD (threatening mutually assured destruction).  You're wondering what you did wrong, why you're here, why nothing seems to work, why things only seem to get worse.  We get it.  My message to you today is, you're a great Mom, you didn't cause this.  You deserve to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your daughter if you're a basket case operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  My advice is, take a break today.  Give yourself some grace.  Allow yourself some space not to worry about your daughter today.  Do something nice for yourself--take a walk, take a relaxing bath in candlelight, meditate, journal, listen to some music, call a friend, practice a hobby for half an hour, stretch, whatever self-care looks like for you.  You deserve to reclaim your life, and that should start today, OK?  This is a journey of baby steps, and I think you should take one today.

Please feel free to come back and share more.  All the best to you.

I'm the same. We know that BPD's will say and threaten things they won't carry out but if they sleep with someone then that's an actual act and can't be ignored.

Me and my ex had some longish breaks during our time - one was about 9 months duration - and I have no idea if she was seeing anyone during those breaks. I had no concrete evidence she was so always gave her the benefit of the doubt. She would sometimes say 'I'm going home with XXXX tonight' when she was in a mood but she never did - she knew that if she ever did something like that then I really would never see her again.

Definitely need to be strong and resist being drawn back in if anything happens to her father and she uses it as an excuse for contact. We can all relate to being pulled back into the game so keep telling yourself that her life is totally her own now and nothing that happens can concern you.