I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. It makes sense that getting clarity has lifted some weight off you, but the situation is still frightening and exhausting. High-conflict divorces really do need specialized legal help, so talking to a lawyer for a consult sounds like a smart way to protect yourself, even if you’re not ready to leave. You deserve to feel safe, supported, and grounded while you figure out next steps.

I feel like I should have known this about our daughter years ago. Finally, last week, I'd had one run-in too many. I suddenly realized that there was nothing I could do to make my daughter like me. She treats me very poorly, except when she doesn't. The disrespect, accusations, yelling, and hurtful actions seem to only be seen by me. Her dad has always told me that it's my fault that she talks to me so disrespectfully because she never talks to him that way. When she was growing up, her dad never corrected her for it. Still today, when our daughter is 48 years old, she treats me this way and no one else in the family seems to see it or come to my defense.
I realized this week that she is turning others in the family against me, including her sister and, of course, my husband. I need a place to see others' experience and counteract the gaslighting that my husband, my daughter, and even I do to myself. It has taken me far too long to begin to trust my own gut and realize that my husband and daughter are a toxic duo when it comes to my relationship with them and theirs with me. I am starting this week on a new path of self-care, "her-unhappiness-is-no-longer-my-responsibility," and anxious curiosity as to what she will try next now that I've changed my rules.

There are many reasons why a person can become the target of another person with NPD or BPD. Many of the scapegoats in my large extended dysfunctional  family were chosen from birth. The reasons each one was chosen range from being unattractive, not being brilliant, not being a person who outshines most people, being an unwanted child, jealousy about the child making a great aunt be the only sibling with no grandchildren, etc. I find that I become more of a target of the flying monkeys in my family when I resist being part of the narcissistic family cult. For example, there is no way, I could go along with a child being scapegoated since the day he was born, his great aunt getting others to participate in saying he was unlovable and defective.

Have you wondered why you get targeted by the pwBPD or NPD? When I went through the recent "friend considers me guilty of something she thinks I did according to the story of the pwBPD" someone mentioned to me - this seems to happen to you. At first, I felt offended but then wondered- is this true and if so, why is this? 

I think it's that we don't act out. We tend to be the fixers, the ones to try to keep the peace rather than retaliate. It's low risk for them.

certain people who my sister and others targeted from birth

Flying monkeys are on a spectrum. The worst have an incredibly poor sense of self and blow with the wind, believe what they are told especially if it is in one simple sentence said with apparent confidence. Flying monkeys are also regularly targeted with updates. There are certain flying monkeys in my large extended dysfunctional family, who were targeted by my sister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other members of the gang who scapegoat different members of the family from several generations as they like to feel superior to others. For years, I did not understand why people I had no regular contact with, abused me when they saw me. I realized that the smear campaign of my persona started years before I was aware of it, and I experienced certain members of the family scapegoated from birth. I now correct the flying monkeys when they put down me or another family member when it is worth it, with one simple sentence: That is not true.

I'm not one either. In my own world, the FM are not from impoverished backgrounds. They have professional jobs in which they are logical and effective.

Except in their roles as FM. I have also see this in non family members. Recently experienced an angry friend, coming to the defense of a person with suspected BPD over a conflict with someone else who I was peripherally associated with. Being the one who tries to fix things- I tried to reason with her to no avail. It doesn't make sense to me why someone will drop a friend or family member with whom they themselves haven't ever had conflict with, over the words of a pwBPD. I don't know if it's possible to understand it.

It's clan-like behavior. I'm not a sociologist. It's what I've observed.

It gives me a headache.

Getting back to bpd, I have a relative who is quite Americanized and doesn't deal with these clannish things. His young adult son has bpd. He threatened his parents and they have a protection order against him. It's very sad that the number of people with personality disorders in my family keep growing,

I am so sorry. This sounds so stressful and heartbreaking.You deserve a partner who can communicate honestly about the relationship, even if she’s confused, overwhelmed, or afraid. Silence, disappearance, and secrecy leave you living in constant dread, and that’s not sustainable.You’ve been in crisis mode for so long that it sounds like you’ve forgotten that you are also allowed to have emotional needs, boundaries, and a voice. Loving someone doesn’t mean shrinking yourself to survive the relationship.

My family comes from a non-Western, impoverished agricultural background, similar to the South in the US. Law enforcement was weak and far away. This led to the formation of groups of bullies (gangs, mafia) who took advantage of people. Families banded together for self-protection.

Flying monkeys who perceived themselves as weak and helpless against the gangs allied themselves to family members who were perceived as strong and able to hold their own with the bullies. Many times these strong members were bullies within the family structure to those who rebelled against them. You got along to get along.

In isolated areas, you had intermarriage which passed along DNA for personality disorders and concentrated them in certain families. These tended to become the big time or little time bullies.

This is quite different from middle class US society. I could see why you don't understand the grip of the FM phenomenon.

I know many in my family despise the bully leader of my family and agree with what's moral and decent. He's a cousin who is a very disgusting individual. My bpd brother looks up to him for his strength and ability to bully me.  I've caught this cousin's ire due to being more Americanized and more successful. This is why my bpd mother didn't like me either. I took away the attention of people from my gc brother who didn't do as well.