I'm so sorry your dog passed away.  It's perfectly normal to grieve, and its unfortunate that your daughter doesn't want to grieve with you. 

Just because she doesn't call doesn't mean that she didn't care about the dog though.

(this is not a sympathy bid!) I had to put (my BPD daughter's) dog, who became MY dog "to sleep" on 2/3/26 (when she moved out, I "inherited Hazel...and grew to LOVE that dog); Hazel was diagnosed with diabetes and became blind a little over 3 years ago, before pwBPD ceased contact, I received a lengthy text about the need to "put her to sleep, and not be selfish because I wanted a dog (note:  Hazel's age was unknown, at the time, maybe 9 years old and she was in otherwise great health); fast forward, 3 years of constant vet visits, insulin shots, etc. (by me) not ONE check in by pwBPD, on 2/3/26, despite being advised NOT to contact her, my husband (apologized profusely to me, however, it WAS an emergency, b/c Hazel collapsed and we think she had a seizure....I took her to an emergency vet....it was just so very awful) texted pwBPD and said "Hazel might be "put to sleep", she is with your Mom...."; I simply cannot believe this....she NEVER responded, not to him, not to check in, not to say goodbye to her dog; again, I don't pretend to understand BPD....I asked my mother, who pwBPD speaks to if, pwBPD was aware, b/c I feel it is important she knows (as it is on FB and pwBPD might see it); she knows...told my mother, she hopes she received "diligent care"; I feel that this is the point of no return; I took EXCELLENT care of MY dog...that is so hurtful; I am tearing up just typing this...this has been 8 days & I am was literally sick over it....I don't want to turn this into a memorial for my Hazel...can ANYone say, is THIS too far gone, is THIS salvageable? (yes, I talked to my therapist, but I wonder if REAL people know!) because I can empathize with cutting off PEOPLE but...your DOG? I guess I would think she would CHECK? I just don't even know where (if anywhere) to go...at this point, she has ostracized EVERYone, (her poor nieces ask about her all the time...they are young, I don't know how to explain this) except the people who treated her poorly (make sense of THAT?!)

I understand- aging +BPD is a complicated situation. From my BPD mother's situation, the brain scan alone wouldn't have been enough for a diagnosis. She did have some episodes of confusion but it was felt there were medical reasons- an infection, or medication causing them.

What I saw with my father and mother in law- neither of whom had BPD or dementia, was an increase in irritability in their elder years. It makes sense- nobody wants to lose independence, and so they did have moments of feeling frustrated.

People with BPD can also have the "normal" consequences of aging- but add BPD to that and it is a challenge. What I found with my mother was that even with her disorder- there was no way to intervene as long as she was legally competent, and she remained legally competent. Even if there had been some dementia- people can remain legally competent in early stages.

It is good you are taking care of yourself. I think at this point, it's the best you can do. You know to keep a watch on any changes in your H and what direction they are going.

NotWendy,

I don’t feel unsafe.  I also don’t believe this rises to the level of DV.  I just think I should be mindful that it’s new behavior, and I’m not sure what might come next.  But he did not strike me, and he didn’t swat with force.

I am unable to gauge his dementia.  He hides things from his doctors, but a brain scan did show signs of dementia. 

Needless to say, I’m sick and tired of him.  I just want to live out the rest of my years in peace.  I don’t have the energy for his arguing and negativity.  I ignore him most of the time.  I walk away when I don’t like what he’s saying.  I’m almost 80 years old, and he is an elder too, although a few years younger than me. 

I’m just trying to live my life as normally and as joyful as I can, with friends, family, and activities that don’t include him.

Thanks so much.  I appreciate everything you wrote.

If you feel unsafe- that is most important. When I posted that it would be hard to determine how violent your H is from the phone swatting, I was looking at this as - would this be evidence for medical intervention? If he were younger, and in sound mind, then would this be a DV case?

If your H is continuing to mentally decline and is a danger to you or himself- then he'd have to be evaluated and may need to be considered for memory care.

Since you are staying with him, the option for your safety is to be alert to his moods and avoid conflict if possible. This isn't to blame you- it's not your fault. It's that if he's got some age related cognitive issues, he could also be more irritable.

Your feelings are most important here.

Though I seem to be the only one who will say this.. I say a definite 'Yes'.  It's physical contact and it requires force - however much or little he used - to knock your phone away and I would not accept that at all. We all expect verbal abuse from a BPD but when physical, striking actions occur, this isn't acceptable - and you say yourself that it was 'very scary'.

You also say that you've 'learned a lesson', like you did something bad. You don't need to learn lessons; he does and needs to know there will be consequences if he raises hands to you in any way.

Just my thoughts. It's only a small step up from striking something you're holding to striking you, especially if he knows you'll put up with it.  I ended my own BPD relationship because on her final outburst she was very close to getting physical for the first time and I could see it developing.

Take care of yourself.

CC43,

I agree with you 100%. Perhaps I was overreacting.  Also, he  can dish it out, but he can’t take it. It’s irritating beyond belief.  I’ve lost my cool more than once, because like you, I am human.

I think I need to just continue my self-care journey, and stay as detached from him as possible.

Thanks.

Jazz

Mutt,

It was very scary indeed.  Never again will I brandish a camera in front of him.  I’ve learned my lesson.

Thanks.

Jazz

SuperDaddy,

I’m sure he felt attacked. If I really need to video or photograph him for my own safety, I shouldn’t broadcast it.  I’m going to file this under “Lessons Learned,” and move on from it.

Thank you. 

Jazz

POOK075,

I agree with you.   No need to do something to rile him up, for no important reason.

Thanks. 

Jazz