Many of us who have a mother with BPD can relate to much of what you are sharing. My mother with BPD is deceased.

The behaviors when you are driving around are quite shocking and endangering not only you but other people on the road. It might make sense to consult a lawyer to find out if you can report this to law enforcement and/or send a letter/some kind of notice to desist from these behaviors with the consequences spelled out.

It seems your mother clearly resents you which is not unusual. Unfortunately when we are the child of a mother with BPD, we quite often become targets for their dysregulated out of control emotions. In these cases, the targets can only do their best to remove themselves from opportunities to be abused.

As far as the smear campaign goes, I do believe it can make sense to respond by saying something like: "What you are hearing about me is not true." In my experiences with being one of the scapegoats of my large extended family, is the smear campaign can get out of hand long before we know it even is happening, and if we do not respond than people believe that what they are hearing must be true.

Having a mother with BPD is a life long sorrow. It seems you are doing everything possible to distance yourself from her. Have you thought about moving far away from her at some point?

Careful with this.  What is "porn addiction?"  A lot of people look at porn; it's not really a big deal.  But if your wife is BPD, she doesn't really care what the issue is, only insofar as she can find something wrong with you to pin her own issues on, and make you the cause of them. 

If you feel you have an addiction, by all means get help for it.  But do not admit this to a pwBPD, because you will quickly find that it serves as a convenient excuse for them to make all sorts of unfair demands on you and of your time to "reassure them," and if she gets dysregulated, will not be discreet about it (she'll tell anyone in the moment, even your own kids).   Humiliating you will be the price you pay for non-compliance, no matter how trivial her demand was. 

I endured similar "interrogations" on a regular basis.  BPDxw would demand to know if I cheated on her, if I "liked anyone" at work, if I thought other women were pretty, if I looked at porn, etc. etc.  I was a faithful husband, and had never cheated on her, nor did I make efforts to, or flirt with other women, or anything like that.  Her claims were completely baseless.  But of course, it was not about me, the issue was her own insecurity, and her need to feel that she was the victim of something, because being in that dynamic was comforting to her.  Despite my demands that she stop this - especially in front of our daughter who was getting old enough to understand - she would justify her behavior by claiming that I needed to show her I loved her enough.  Imagine that?

In a normal situation, you share things with your spouse to build trust between you, and you can do this knowing they will maintain that trust, and would not use anything you say against you.  But this is not the dynamic when you're in a relationship with a pwBPD.  Normal rules don't apply.  I don't think you have to LIE to them, nor should you, but a full disclosure of your thoughts and actions is done at your own peril!  Anything you say CAN and WILL be used against you!  There will be no benefit to being honest.


It sounds to me like she's either sought advice online, or gotten legal advice from an actual attorney, and been told that if she doesn't work, she'll get child support and alimony and done the math and decided that sounds like a pretty good outcome to her.

And even if not, you should seek professional advice given that the topic of divorce has been broached, regardless of what your decision is.  You can pay a family law attorney for an hour consultation, and they can review your situation and estimate for you the absolutely worst case outcome, and also the likely outcome in the event of divorce.  When I say "outcome" I mean: custody schedule for the kids, property settlement (how you divide the house and $$$ on hand), and the likely cost of the divorce, with low, medium and high estimates.  That gives you a "baseline" to compare your situation to.  At some point, you may decide the cost of the divorce is worth the peace of mind you get from getting this toxic person out of your life.  And even if you can't get 100% custody (that's almost impossible anywhere, without proof that the non-custodial parent is physically abusive), you can give your kids a break from the BPD-behavior during the time they're with you. 

I did this when BPDxw started mentioning divorce as a possibility in our case.  I know my then-wife had gone and seen an attorney (she told me this) and was throwing out that if I left her, I'd get to see our daughter once a month, and she'd get all our money.  Nonsense!  I went to see an attorney myself, who laid out the likely outcome under state law and judicial guidelines.  I could see that even by default under state law, I'd end up with a pretty even split, I'd keep all the assets I had prior to marriage, and close to 40% parenting time, and there was nothing my wife could do about that.  That consultation was the best $$$ I ever spent.  And the result was pretty consistent with it. 

State laws vary greatly though, so you need to see an attorney where you live to get the lay of the land.  It might be worse. Where I live, alimony is not the norm, and only awarded in exceptional circumstances, such as when a divorced spouse is physically unable to work. 

My mom was diagnosed with BPD in the 2006-08 time period following a divorce from her third husband. She did not follow through with individual therapy nor go to DBT as was recommended. Mom is now in her 70’s (I’m in my 50’s) and things seem to be going off the rails.

Im on the west coast and my mom moved back here from the east coast several years ago. We haven’t been emotionally or geographically close in decades and I wasn’t thrilled she was moving back but, her life. Not only did she move back, she moved too close for comfort. She also bought a house with her her now deceased sixth husband’s best friend. This BFF is someone she was having some “phone affair” with while his wife was still alive. The guy is an alcoholic and overall a huge jerk even when sober.

Things were ok at first but mom managed to cause a lot of trouble with my oldest child (in her 30’s) and overall became more and more witchy and less waif in terms of her BPD. Her behavior has revealed her racist leanings and overall intolerance of anyone, white or otherwise, who simply even disagree with her. She was becoming increasingly disagreeable, some of which directed at my husband and me, and we grew disinterested in spending time with them. Couple years back her BF became completely s*it-faced and belligerent in a restaurant, my husband had to drive him home, things have gone downhill since. The real end started last fall when I told her I needed space (woo boy).

I’ve not seen my mom since last summer nor spoken to her since last fall. They live nearby and her BF enjoys harassing us periodically and whenever they see us in traffic they both make a big spectacle of honking, yelling obscenities, swerving at us, flipping us off, and just otherwise being belligerent (most recently was last week). We’ve not reacted to any of it, literally zero reaction. The last incident was last week and I wasn’t there but my husband said they laid on the horn to get his attention, flipped him off, and then swerved at him last second. My mom does all of the aforementioned but doesn’t swerve, just everything else.

Rightfully so my husband wants nothing to do with either of them anymore. I long ago grew tired of my mom and all the men (6 husbands and countless affair partners and boyfriends) so my reaction to recent belligerent events is less intense than his. I’m never surprised by my mom. We both know she’ll never take responsibility for her behavior, nor will her awful BF ever do the same with his own. They’ve been together since 2019 and are financially dependent on one another, she won’t be leaving him. Even if she did leave I still don’t want to be around her.

I have another relative wBPD so I know not to JADE nor feed into the chaos monster with my mom, which is why I’ve done nothing. In any case, is it typical for people with these diagnoses and life problems to lash out in the manner in which they are doing? I would be sad and disappointed if a relative went low or no contact with me but acting like a belligerent delinquent in traffic would not be on my list of options. I’d either try to reconcile or leave them be depending on how I felt about them.

Also, it is just extremely secondhand embarrassing my mom would behave like this at any age but in her 70’s and as a great grandma it’s ….well, it’s a choice. Her man picker is also AWFUL. They are smear campaigning us in the neighborhood (they live 6 miles away but we’re all in the same big HOA) and my mom acts so sweet and nice that everyone believes her.

Why are they like this?

I think you need to understand her mind is going to be completely Loony-Tunes for the forseeable future because she realizes she's losing the foundation for her existence.  Not to defend her; I think it's awful how she treated you, and you're completely in the right to move on from her, but I imagine that's what she's going through.  She's going to do and say whatever in a desperate attempt to either: 1) get you to back down so she can go back to what she felt was "normal" i.e. a husband she could walk all over and control (hence her threat to make trouble b/c you're staying in the house), or find a new rescuer to fill the void (e.g. the oversharing and narrative fabrication with strangers).  Her actions might not appear rational, or even seem to further either of those goals, but she's desperate and pwBPD have a tenuous grasp of reality to begin with. In her mind, her personal situation is the only thing that matters right now, and everything else, including your kids and the concept of the "truth" are just pawns in a game.

Don't get too hung up on what she's saying or doing... just let the storm blow itself out.  Like @Notwendy said, a lot of people will figure it out and she'll lose credibility.  If something requires a response, for example, the issue you had with your neighbor over the cat, you may want to just let them know you didn't have a problem.  If you feel you have to go into detail, maybe mention something like you're going through a divorce and tensions are high in your home.  You being calm when you convey something like that, while your STBxw goes into histrionics, speaks volumes to any third party observing things. 

It is revealing to see how they warp narratives to suit themselves, like the thing with the cat.  It never really ends... recently, our daughter had an issue on her youth sports team b/c BPDxw didn't sign a liability waiver for the season.  So our daughter had to sit for one game until she was able to print it out and sign it.  I had no idea one was even due; I didn't enroll her in the league or get any paperwork.  Anyways, that day I got bombarded by texts messages accusing me of not getting the waiver signed, the coach being upset with me, and her claiming he confronted me at her last practice.  None of this was true!  I didn't even speak with him that day.  But BPDxw will say and do anything to dodge blame and avoid responsibility for herself, and has no shame whatsoever.  My daughter didn't fall for it, and told me later she knew her mom screwed up when I asked how her game that weekend went. 

In the end, that's maybe the best result you can hope for... keeping your credibility while the pwBPD loses theirs.  You can't stop them from behaving like a lunatic, just, like I said, let them do their thing, and try to avoid the fallout as much as possible.  Don't give them what they want, and contribute to the drama by "wrestling in the mud."


If you're getting divorced, you don't need to keep giving into her demands, e.g. installing a new Ring camera. 

You have an attorney, right? 

I would document all this.  Literally sit down and write this all out, along with dates things happen and if you have corroborating evidence (texts, phone call logs, pictures) include that.  I would do this to impress upon your attorney how volatile your situation is, and how quickly you need a resolution before something blows up .  Maybe they can push for a hearing, or get the living situation resolved.  You absolutely should try to keep the home for your kids' sake; let her go get her own place.  Once you surrender that, you're in a worse position in terms of maintaining primary custody for your son. 

Also, document her use of marijuana.  No judgment from me, but a lot of judges are very conservative and view that as not a "family friendly" activity.

My guess:  your brother "punishes" his daughter whenever she does anything "fun" without him, or "fraternizes" with other other members of the family "behind his back."  He lashes out when she gets home:  "You're late, you didn't do your chores, you neglected me, I have to do everything around here, you excluded me, you don't respect me, so next time you want something from me, well just forget about it, you don't deserve any favors because you're disrespectful and don't do anything for me."  He's furious whenever his daughter gets some fun and attention, and he's insanely jealous, and so she's learned she has to include her dad or face his misplaced wrath.  The result?  She doesn't get invited much anymore, because it's weird, and it starts to feel like surveillance.  Ultimately she can become isolated.  I think this could be akin to the covert, controlling behaviors that are typical of pwBPD/NPD, and I'm bringing it up in case readers can relate.  I'm not saying it's exactly what happened, but I've experienced this sort of thing before.  Sometimes the victims don't know what's worse:  having a social life but facing the BPD wrath, isolating, or draging the BPD along to social situations with a high risk of "spoiling" behavior.

I approach things the same way.  For my BPD kid or BPD ex, I'm kind to them whenever we talk and I genuinely want to see them have a great life.  But at the same time, I fully accept that it may be months or years before I ever hear from them again and I'm 100% okay with that. 

I've learned that either I can be in the center of their world and all the drama that comes from that, or I can be a distant friend who's mostly painted white.  I much prefer the latter- no drama, no fuss, and let someone else be caught up in all the chaos.  I don't have to be in direct contact because I know that ultimately leads to conversations I don't want to have anymore.  Even if things are great, eventually something will happen that brings back all the disordered stuff.

In other words, I'm no longer a favorite person or a sworn enemy...I'm just someone from their past that they can turn to occasionally.  Neither want a real relationship and honestly I don't either, not at the cost it brings.

For instance, my BPD kid texted me the other day to tell me a volcano was erupting in the Philippines and it looked like a meteor hit just behind it on live footage.  She wanted to know if I was close to the volcano (I'm not) and we texted about that for a bit, then she called me to catch up a little.  I hadn't heard from here for months before that and I may not hear from here for many more months.  That's okay though because the relationship works, it's stable.

I agree and that's what happened in my situation.  Even though my ex-wife walked away, half the house was still hers and I was forced to sell.  I loved that home immensely since that's where my kids grew up and where my parents retired up until their passing (in a cabin on the property).  I dreaded selling! 

But a few years out from getting the home sold, my mindset has completely changed.  It had to be done and I'm thankful for being able to move on.  It was also cathartic to get rid of all the junk we collected over the decades, to narrow things down to what really mattered.  And honestly, you'd be shocked at how little was worth keeping.  I didn't want any of the "stuff" other than some photos and personal items. 

I refused to fight over furniture or stuff like that...why?  It's all easily replacable.  I kept my mom's dining room table set because of sentimental value, but everything else went to the ex, other family, or charity.  I wanted a completely fresh start.

Wow, this is a lot, but it's also in line with behaviors that others have seen too.

I am glad you found a CODA group that is helpful to you. The 12 step programs have been helpful to me as well.

About all these people your wife is telling stories to. Generally, I think women are more likely to share emotional information with other women compared to men, but TMI with aquaintances is not typical. If I'm at a sport event or other public event, and meet someone I'm not close to, and she starts sharing TMI about husbands, marriage- it gets my spidey sense up. I might begin to consider these allegations at first, but when the person keeps on talking it becomes clearer that something is "off" about them. It's an indicator of poor boundaries.

You've got your lawyer, your CODA group and people close to you. If something needs legal defense- like slander- then your lawyer can guide you on that. As to your wife venting to neighbors, people at a game- it's embarrasing but it also makes people uncomfortable. I think people will probably see this in time.

This reminds me of a time many years ago when I invited my grown niece to a restaurant one Sunday after services.  She's single but she only agreed if her parents were included.  Maybe she didn't want them left out, maybe they'd said some bad things about me, I never did figure out why.  It was so awkward and sad at the same time.  There was no incident then but I never invited her again.  Needless to say, I haven't had contact with my brother, who lives close nearby, ever since there he vented about details with my mother's estate a decade ago.  I've concluded that he's been a sourpuss my entire life and a likely PD.  It just is - I can't change it - and I leave it at that.

Frankly, if she is unwilling to change, then she won't change.  Accept that.  You can't fix her.  Only she can choose to want to fix herself, typically that requires she start and apply meaningful therapy over years.

Maybe you're thinking that after a divorce the kids would be alone with her.  Well, you already "leave your kids alone with her" if you leave the residence to go off to work, shopping, etc.  The real question is whether you will strategize and seek as much parenting as possible during and after a divorce.  And that is from the very start, beginning with the court's temp order.  Reality check: Too frequently temp orders tend to morph into final decrees, so do your best to get the best (least bad) initial temp order from the very start.  This is not the time to try to be fair to her.  Courts won't give you credit for being overly fair, just don't be nasty.

Frankly, a house is a lesser concern.  Families, even in divorce, move all the time.  A house is not a home... Home is where you live.  If neither of you can maintain the house separately, then it must be sold and the equity, if any, split.  That's just the reality.

And no, despite what she insists and dictates, you are not required to be magnanimous and pay all her expenses.  Yes, there may be child support (if you don't get more than 50% scheduled parenting time) and short term spousal support or alimony for a couple years (so she can find employment if not already employed and get situated in post-divorce life) but that's about it.