I hope my LONG break did not worry you     I should add, for some odd reason, my daughter latched onto my mother, I am very grateful I still have that "link"

Just want to thank you for your responses. It helps to know I am not so alone in this. CC43 I am going to take your advice and refrain from the texts. It seems she is doing a fair job of adulting right now. My son assures me that she is doing well at work and is hanging out with friends. She has made it clear in the past that I am a trigger for her. I want her to be happy and healthy more than I want a relationship with her so for now I will try to be patient. I just hope this situation is not forever. It breaks my heart.

Hi, Brijit! I won't bore you with the backstory....quicknotes version....my daughter was diagnosed with BPD, approximately 5 years ago, in retrospect, had I known about BPD, she sure had the signs, ONCE I knew I dove right in & researched it, read all of the books, joined NAME; my daughter asked me to sleep over all of the time, had me store her pills, there were 3 inpatient pscyh stays, constant texts, etc. (I say this so non-chalantly....it has taken 3 years & much therapy); for the first 2 years, we were together ALL of the time (research would state, I was the FAVORITE person (not a great place to be); well...something SWITCHED (I think that is splitting), I am now the NON-favorite and me, her father, sister & 3 nieces are scorned; for 2 years she would, like your situation, text when she needed something, we WOULD text here or there, mainly me (per therapist...a quick text, i.e. Merry Christmas, hope you are well) (I am a very festive person....this is very difficult); well....the past 6 months, I believe I am "ghosted" none of my texts are returned; I am at a stage where I am about "giving up" her dog, who she also abandoned, passed away on 2/3/26; she has had zero contact with her dog, either; her father reached out the day, Hazel passed & we never heard from her....I cannot believe THIS is the "straw" that broke the camel....but, I just don't have any more hope left...in any case, I regress....I am sorry you are in this club...but, to a long answer to your question....it is so disheartening!  I don't pretend to understand BPD...my only "take" on the situation is BPD is a BEAST!  I hope your "resolve" is better

I'll try to keep this as accurate and concise as I can. But a lot happened in a few weeks. I will pose the question now. I will provide context afterwards.

Context:

My girlfriend and I dated another woman together, who turned out to have BPD. We adore her and want to continue being with her. But understand that may not be possible. The most important thing to us right now is that she knows that we don't hate her.

Question:

After a fairly sudden and abrupt removal from her life, where she told us via chat that she had a panic attack after last seeing us, and not wanting to experience it ever again, she blocked us and told us she doesn’t want to hear from us ever again.

This felt like a violent self-amputation. And it left us in shambles. We didn’t know her friends yet, and have no grip on how she’s doing now.

We know she didn't mean to do hurt us. She tripped, she fell, and she accidentally took us down with her.

There was no major conflict before this, just a small disagreement that we noticed she was incredibly sensitive to. We asked for reassurance that everything is fine, and she couldn’t give it.

Several days before that date, she posted on Instagram that she feels that being rejected is better than the fear of rejection itself. Because then the pain is gone.

We do not know what to do.

On the one hand she asked us not to contact her. On the other hand, it was in the midst of an intense dysregulation. She’s currently gone on a business trip that she left on on Monday. She blocked us a week before already.

Is this it? Is it really just a matter of hoping she at one point unblocks us, and if she doesn’t, tough luck? We don’t want her to think that we hate her now. That’s the most important thing to us. Whether we'll have her back in our lives or not.

I had forgotten about your special needs adult son.  Every time your spouse seeks unreasonable financial demands, his needs supercede her wants.  Don't feel guilty about using that leverage.

I am reminded of what my mother, a gentle soul, told me about her father, also a gentle soul.

Hi there,

Indeed I'm also in a period of protracted estrangement from my BPD stepdaughter who is trying to carve out an adult's life for herself.  Of course she'll reach out when she needs something--a co-signer, help with moving her belongings, help selling her car, etc.  Since she's a little older than your daughter, she knows she should probably be operating more independently by now.  My guess is that she feels shame and embarrassment when she has to ask for help . . . even though she sounds entitled at the same time, even if she never thanks us for providing the help, and even if she implies that we are to blame for all her problems and we OWE her.  She RESENTS us for making her feel dependent, and I suspect she's ashamed that she still needs us.

Though I know it hurts not to know what's going on with your dear daughter, I think you can be confident that she'll reach out to you when she needs you.  I think you should be proud that she seems to be operating independently of you with some success.  Now I bet you worry a lot, probably because your daughter has given you good reason to worry in the past.  I know I worry some, too.  But I tell myself, it's not productive to worry about things which haven't even happened yet.  That just brings me down.  I try to think more positive thoughts, such as my stepdaughter has managed living on her own for around six consecutive months, and though her dad has been sending her money, he hasn't been sending her nearly as much as he used to, so she must be working with some regularity.  That is a huge step in the right direction.  Living semi-independently for six months without rebounding to the parental home and having some sort of major crisis is a record for her.  Granted, she still isn't talking to anyone else in the family, and with a family wedding coming up, it remains to be seen if she will participate.  My sense is that, until she consolidates her identity as a fully independent adult, she won't be content with herself, and if she's not content with herself, she can't be happy for someone else at a wedding.  Chances are that she won't attend.  I know that would be disappointing for the family, but by the same token, I think it would be better than experiencing a meltdown on a wedding day.

As for contact, I think that every message from you is probably a reminder to your daughter of some unfulfilled obligation and has some emotional baggage attached to it.  I suspect that's why your daughter won't respond.  She likely has all the emotional pressure she can handle right now.  She might have blocked you, because she deems you "toxic" and wants to exert some control in her life, and maybe even "punish" you in the process with her silence.  But try not to take offense.  The way I see it is, she's taking an "adult time out."  My unspoken policy is not to interrupt the time out.  You've already told her the lines of communication are wide open.  My advice would be to cut back on the texting for now.  However, I would include her on major holidays and her birthday, to ensure she doesn't feel excluded--but keep any messages short and obligation-free.  Please, no begging for her to reach out, no bribes, and please don't add your emotional distress or any obligation (When can I come see you?  I have presents for you.  Your father is upset you didn't wish him Happy Father's Day)--she's telling you that she can't handle the pressure right now with her silence.

I hope that perspective helps a little.  All my best to you.

Sorry but I think you know your wife is lying through her teeth, saying she didn't know about the poor state of the family's finances when you've tried to talk to her about it a zillion times.  OK, maybe in her "BPD world" she thinks that you are responsible for 100% of the bills while she's responsible for spending whatever she wants whenever she wants.  If she really wanted to show you she's serious about paying off debts, she would put money in the joint account right now--even better, she'd make a payment on the debt right now.  But my guess is she's not serious, because she's just making up stories to get you to do her bidding.  Her promise to be better in the future has zero credibility when she's not even being honest in the moment.  Look, when people have lost their credibilty, I look at actions and actions only.  You could say you'll be checking the debt balance daily and leave it at that, while you continue with your plan.

That’s an interesting question, and I think a lot of people here have probably wondered something similar, especially after a breakup.

From what many people notice, it’s often less about someone being better off single and more about how close relationships can activate deeper emotional patterns. When there’s distance, things can look more stable simply because fewer triggers are being activated.

In closer relationships, especially where there’s emotional attachment, things like fear of loss, sensitivity to rejection, or feeling misunderstood can come up more strongly. That can make the ups and downs feel more intense, even if those same patterns aren’t as visible when someone is on their own.

A lot of this lines up with basic attachment theory, which looks at how people respond to closeness and emotional bonds. You might come across terms like anxious attachment or attachment activation if you decide to look into it more. Those ideas can help explain why things often feel more intense in close relationships.

So what you’re noticing isn’t uncommon, and it’s not necessarily about one person being too much or relationships being the problem.

Hi Bridgit,



Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m glad that you’ve joined us, though I’m really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. Many members here can relate to what you’re going through, especially that mix of relief and pain when things go quiet.

What you’re describing is something a lot of parents here have faced. That silence can feel incredibly heavy, sometimes even harder than the ups and downs, because there’s no way to make sense of it or respond to it.

It also makes sense that it hurts when contact only happens around practical needs, like the lease or taxes. You showed up for her in those moments, and not hearing back afterward can leave a real emotional gap.

One thing you might consider is gently shifting how you reach out. Weekly messages can come from a place of love, but sometimes they can also keep you in a cycle of waiting and hoping for a response that may not come right now. Some parents find it helpful to step back a bit, both to protect their own energy and to change the dynamic slightly.

You don’t have to disappear or stop caring. It can just be about finding a pace that feels more sustainable for you.

If you feel comfortable sharing, what have those interactions been like in the past when things were more active between you two?

My 25 year old daughter has ghosted me. After years of devastating interactions with her, I tried to convince myself that this may actually be a relief, but I would take the emotional roller coaster over this any day. I have sent her texts at least once a week over the last few months to reassure her that I am still here and still love her, but without response. The only times she messaged me was when she needed me to co-sign the lease for her apartment and when she needed information for her taxes. I responded to both requests without hesitation and then never heard anything back. Is there anything I should or shouldn’t be doing to improve this situation?