Hi Inforthewin,

I guess that there are good and bad therapists and I think this one is particularly bad by the sounds of it. I think you did the right thing to leave the session. The therapist has shown you overtime that she is ineffective in taking control of the therapy sessions so why stay to be verbally abused by your dd.

If it were me I would be fuming and I would contact her via email to let her know the reason why you ended the session and how you would like to move forward from this

Just a follow-up. We are on vacation in confined quarters, trying to sightsee and do fun things we both enjoy, but for no apparent reason (just a thought or memory she had, probably), she got triggered this morning and it lasted the whole day. Today included ongoing themes of how I scapegoat her, how I am a narcissist who needs constant validation, how I need to heal my inner child, my (undiagnosed) autism, and several more. But today she added “my abuse and control pattern,” how I am a psychopath (!! Yes, you read that right!!), and how I have trauma bonded her to me. She read many articles to me, frequently pausing to see if I understood correctly. At one point she said “as long as I’m the only one feeling pain, nothing changes!” This is how she justifies her reactive abuse.

There is no satisfactory response to this. She wants me to react in a way that shows I’m in pain, but if I do, the emotions displayed lead to escalation. If I don’t react, it escalates. Of course, JADEing escalates it rapidly. The best I can do, apparently the least wrong response, is validate her pain, gray rock as much as I can, and let her know that I’m listening and that I care. There’s really no way in today’s circumstances for me to politely walk away for awhile, and if I did that would send her into a rage. (Stonewalling!) It’s lose-lose, for the most part.

It’s bedtime now and things have calmed down a bit. It will be good to get back home in a week where we have much more space and it’s easier to detach.

It’s one day at a time, or more realistically one hour at a time. So exhausting.

Sometimes the most effective family therapy can be with the members affected by the disordered person and without the participation of the disordered family member to help the family members set the boundaries they need when dealing with the disordered family member. I tried to set up family therapy with my mother with BPD and her psychiatrist who had tried individual therapy withe my mother and had a good reputation as a therapist told me my mother was not a candidate for family therapy.

I would no longer waste my time or money on a therapist that clearly doesn’t know what’s she’s doing. It’s actually shocking to me that she allows that type of behavior during a session! I’m so sorry you experienced that and hope you can find a more appropriate person to work with.

First time posting to this group/topic- I have posted in the bettering relationship post a couple times- I feel this group is more appropriate for this new development in my 2 year relationship. I live with a male borderline and we just had a baby girl 8 weeks ago. I have 2 other children who live with us full time from my previous relationship (age 5 & 8). Our baby is his first child. The relationship has reached a point where it has become intolerable for myself and my children. He isolates himself to our bedroom and I'm forced to isolate myself to the living room and sleep on the couch most nights. The bedroom is pretty much inaccessible because he's sleeping early for work. He fights with me almost daily and forces the kids to hear his rants. He is talking to other women online on dating websites and lists himself as single. He calls my children little assholes, tells them they eat too much, comments on all of their behaviors. He can't tolerate any affection between myself and my children he tells them to stop touching me or get away from me "you're not a baby". He won't allow me to spend any quality time with my children without anger and outbursts. They are so anxious they constantly ask me if he is home or not. He does not know how to parent them and while he tries he says inappropriate things and especially targets my 5 yr old whom he hates. She is the "BAD" one. He rejects me and gives me the silent treatment. He has been verbally abusive to me at times. He refuses to contribute financially in anyway and then complains that there isn't good dinner or foods he likes.

I have asked him to stay somewhere else several times now and a constant cycle repeats where he says he will leave "in a few days" but he never leaves. I have told him we are not breaking up which is true this is just a first step for me -but just physically separating. He still sees it as breaking up - must be all or nothing.  He refuses to leave and I DO NOT have anywhere else I can go- I cannot afford a hotel even for a week or a few days- I have no family support or friends and I refuse to put my children through more chaos and change in their environment. We rent our home and both our names are on the lease however I pay the rent - he has never paid any rent or portion of it. Can my property manager assist me with getting him out of the house? I feel trapped in my own home due to his uncontrollable symptoms and behaviors- my children have reached their breaking point as well.

Hi there, I am new here. My husband has BPD I feel, in fact I would bet my bottom dollar he is BPD.  He is emotioanlly imature, impulse control issues, depressed, angry, has abused alcohol, etc. He routinely makes social gatherings  uncomfortbale and denial is a super hero in his family. He is also ACOA, but claims his birth family is normal. I involve myself with as many outside activities as possible. I try to enjoy his company when he is mentally present, calm and cordial. I know I was co-dependent, I married him a year after losing both parents and my half brother (14 years older than me) was an emotional terrorist growing up (also BPD or NPD), Im sure I normalized unhealthy behaviors I saw growing up and got attached to someone with BPD. My question is how do you stay calm when they react so inappropriately? Ex: Tonight my spouse said he was happy to not have to go to work tomorrow, I said "your mom has appointment with cardiologist", he became enraged. I tried to remind him I had a conversation with him last week about the appointment, I offered then to take his mom to her appointment tomorrow, he declined saying "i got it". Tonight he became offended I said she had an appointment, accused me of trying to sabotage his time off, denied she had the appointment because it is MLK Day. I pushed saying she would be expecting a ride to the doctor appointment and I was no longer available as have work conflict now. I know there will not be accountability for his over reaction, he will justify, etc. How do I stay calm and remind myself in the moment what he's doing reflects only on him? How do I not take the bait to engage him and stoop down to his level? I am good about it most of the time but when his responses are so off the charts I feel if I don't push back he will spin further out the next time. I will admit I have considered divorce, when he is awful I know I deserve better. I worry about getting an illness in old age and having to depend on him, he is emotionally shallow. We have been married 26 years and for 26 years I have dealt with his issues. The people I know who have gone through gray divorces have expressed regret, or other struggles of similar stress levels, so I feel why put myself through that if I can vacate and live my life but just under the same roof.

Hi! And many thanks for your reply. My daughter had been in Counceling for a short time when I was divorcing her father. The Therapist attributed her behavior to depression and she was put on an antidepressant at 17. Within a month of taking it she found herself pregnant. She had been on birth control. She’s a great Mom. Seems to have all the patience in the world with her kids. It seems the closer we get the more she targets me. She’s gone thru a divorce this past year-so a lot of stress and anxiety, uncertainty. I’ve always been there for her but I can never do it “right”. I’m aware kids are often hardest on their mom but the emotional stress is really starting to wear me down. I’m 67. My boys say she’s just manipulative and selfish…

Hi Anonymous22 ,

I have read some of your past messages. It seems like things have gotten worse, and now you are separated, right?

I think that living separately gives you the best opportunity to work out your conflict. By using boundaries to prevent yourself from reacting, you must try to make your conversations positive, and then hopefully you'll be able to have useful interactions (in which he is not dysregulated).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like in your post you were taking the "I love you" as a possible sign of being cured of his anger? Wasn't that being said frequently when you both lived together? It should.

Please keep in mind that if he has BPD or any other personality disorder, the DV therapy won't fix that. This therapy is only intended to make them reflect on their actions and hopefully feel guilty and accountable. It's just trying to make them see and rethink what they did and how that affects their relationships. But if his pattern comes from a personality disorder, it won't change so easily. There are many subtle ways of being abusive that do not get him in trouble with the law.

If you remain separated, I hope you can gradually resolve all of your conflicts before attempting to live together again.

Thank you Sancho, those are great tips that I'll try practicing.  I used to carry my cell phone with me wherever I was and look at my phone whenever I heard it ping.  I've begun leaving it on a table and doing my chores or whatever without it tethered to me. If I'm driving I don't pull over to answer it. It's hard for me but I'm trying.  My ds is doing well at the moment and that helps. Yes, he does want to talk when he's in a panic to help him regulate.
Baby steps but I'm moving forward. 

Hi JC. Everyone here can relate to your situation. There are some common threads that everyone shares and others just don't "get" because they've never been hit by it. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm not the best person here for giving advice, I'm always here to find some, and yes, to vent. Like you, I'm constantly being told I'm "gaslighting". It's so frustrating when the only response someone has when faced with objective facts is to say you are gaslighting them. It's enough to drive you crazy. It's never explaining how what you said that's wrong, or how they see it differently...... it's "gaslighting"! My daughter doesn't want to face her diagnosis even though it was a long time coming and many a therapist, doctor etc. tried to steer her in the right direction over the past 6 years in effort to avoid it, with no cooperation. Unlike your daughter, mine (19) was totally normal by everyone's account until she hit puberty/middle school.....and that's when things went totally off the rails. Has your daughter ever been evaluated or gone into therapy of any kind? Just wondering if any mental health professionals have ever been involved and have indicated that theres a "problem" since she wouldn't take it well hearing it from you.