Hi Pluie.  I'm glad you've made plans, even if they're only temporary at this point.  When I was in your position several years ago with my BPD ex wife, I was just trying to get through each day. 

Going home for a week removes these burdens and that's exactly whay you need right now.  Maybe you decide to stay, or maybe you come back.  Either option is fine and your body will tell you what to do.  Please let us know if there's anything else we can do for you or questions we can answer.  We're here for you!

The big questions are... Is she currently in meaningful therapy?  If so, is she applying what the therapist recommends in her life, perceptions and behavior?  Is she willing to do so for however long it take to see improvement, even if it takes years?

In short, something has to change since you're at your limit.  So... if she doesn't or won't change then it's up to you to change the scenario.

Just a guess, but it sounds like she has told you she is/has BPD and, more or less, take her as she is?


Many here have faced your dilemma... a life-changing choice with children part of the equation.

Choice A:  Continue the marriage or relationship so the child had both parents in the same home.  Problem: Child does not have a reasonably normal home environment.

Choice B:  Try therapy to have the marriage or relationship improve and if not then end the adult relationship.  Court system assigns details of custody, Parenting schedule, vacations, exchanges, etc.  Problem:  Child goes between two homes where (as a benefit) one home is reasonably normal.

Neither choice is automatically good or bad.  Many factors are to be considered.

I know last night I was panicking a bit. We just had a really big fight and I kinda just cracked under the pressure. I've calmed down a bit, and figured the best way for both of us to move forward is to get some kind of therapy or counseling for this. The only issue is I'm a little afraid to suggest the idea, as she may just say no and outright refuse if I'm a little too nasty. Any tips or ideas for how to approach the idea gently? And possibly how to know when is a good time to bring it up (I'm not very good with social cues)

Hi again,

Thank you for encouraging me to keep focused on reality.
These last days at my friend's house have helped me recover just enough to make some short-term plans. I am going back to my home country at least for a week (before my sick leave permit ends). My goal, for now, is just to regain some energy and avoid renouncing to the minuscule things I have build in this place. I feel like the big decisions, such as moving back permanently, must wait. I don't feel like I am completely lucid after all that has happened.
I saw him briefly today while I was taking some clothes from the old apartment and saying hello to my cat. He started talking about how happy he is about moving and starting the new job. I didn't engage, except for wishing him good luck (which was sincere. I genuinely love him and that cannot change).

Others will respond soon to your question, but I wanted to mention a concept that is a bit difficult to realize... a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) is a person with the traits we all have but they're to an extreme, often unbalanced, displaying high highs and low lows.  Those massive up and down swings can be triggered by almost anything, anytime, anywhere.

With most people, there is a balance of sorts between logical, reasonableness, emotions and feelings.  PwBPD are challenged to remain relatively stable, their feelings often define their perceptions, sometimes positively such at the start of a relationship but too often over time in a negative way overall.  Borderline has been described as an emotional disregulation disorder that is most evident in the closest of relationships.

Where your ex exists on this behavior spectrum is hard to say.  Some are more "acting in" where they tend to do more harm to themselves.  Others are more "acting-out" where they are more aggressive to those around them, though this may not become evident until much later.  BPD tends to become more difficult to deal with the longer the relationship because other triggers can accumulate such as obligations such as marriage, children, even life in general, etc can add increasing stress.

You both would do well to seek counseling to become educated about what this means and its impact on your lives.  If your ex already knows she has BPD, then she may already have been in therapy.  Therapy is not just a few sessions, it is necessary perhaps for years.  BPD is, in many ways, not something she has, like a broken arm or cancer, it is something she is... her feelings, her perceptions, her reality and more.

Really sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. Believe me, I get it.

Re: CPS:
It may be less of a question of "they won't do anything" and more a question of "even though they might not do anything, I may have a responsibility to report, regardless of the outcome". Does that make sense? Ask your L.

She's lucky you're asking how to help rather than how to leave. A few things I picked up from partners further along than me on this board.

When chronic pain flares, every coping skill gets more expensive to run. So the depression may not be DBT failing, it may be the pain eating the energy she would normally spend on regulation. If her pain management isn't being actively worked by a specialist, that is often the highest-leverage piece to push on, sometimes more than anything on the psych side.

Also worth naming: kids at 3 and 4 are peak depletion years for any couple, and you're doing it alongside her diagnosis and the pain. Do you have anyone in your own corner, a therapist or even a steady check-in with a friend? Partners in this seat tend to burn out quietly, and her system notices when yours goes down.

Welcome aboard and sorry you're dealing with this mix of signals. The part that stands out to me: she crossed the boundary (the sexting), you held it, and now it's being framed as you not fighting hard enough for the relationship. That flip is really common in these dynamics. The disappointment she voiced is about her own abandonment feelings, not an actual invitation to win her back.

Her ghost-then-return cycle already showed you what re-engagement looks like. If you chased now, you would most likely get the detached version of her again within weeks, plus a harder reset after that. The kindest thing for both of you is to stay consistent with the boundary you set. It hurts because the good version of her was real too. But you are not ending it as punishment, you are declining a setup where you do all the adapting.

How are you filling the evenings lately? That first stretch after the breakup is rough, and routine matters more than people expect.

Glad you experienced peace despite the rollercoaster. I know that takes work!

With a disordered relationship we never know what will be the trigger that makes us hit rock bottom and decide we are done. When we get to that point, it is overwhelming because of all the past abuses we have endured and all the new boundaries to put in place. You are now on your way up and slowly things will get better.