How does this line up with expressing thoughts to your partner about 'not being ready' to have kids? That sounds like quite a different trajectory - that you still see a future in the relationship.
Hi again, hotchip. Thank you for asking this, because I can see how it reads confusing or contradictory.
I think the children question comes into play because it is the most urgent topic right now. The marriage/proposal issue has been going on for years, and now the question of children is tied into that because of time, fertility, and the feeling that we’ve reached some kind of breaking point.
But what you’re describing, the inconsistency between “maybe this should end” and “I’m not ready for kids,” is actually at the root of the whole problem. These feelings of wanting to stay or go have been there for years. We have been close to breaking up before, but we both return to one another. Even now, when we’ve taken a bit of space, I remember what I feel when the relationship seems like it might be ending. I miss her terribly, I look around at the life we built together, and I start thinking, “Maybe I’ve been foolish. Maybe I’ve been sabotaging this. Maybe I’m the one who can’t see clearly.”
So to be honest, I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I wish I could say that underneath the fear and guilt I clearly know the answer, but I don’t. I’ve been working on this in therapy for a long time, and my own gut feelings still feel very hard to access. I don’t know what my gut is telling me anymore.
One therapist said something that stuck with me: that I may be stuck in pain avoidance. Either direction is painful, staying or leaving, so I stay in the middle. I think there is truth in that, though even that doesn’t describe the whole thing perfectly.
What makes it so confusing is that even when I get some space, I don’t suddenly think, “Aha, now I clearly see I need to leave.” Instead, I think about the good things, the love, the years together, the life we built, and I start wondering if I’m just ruining everything through fear and avoidance.
So yes, I can understand why it looks like I’m saying two different things. I think that’s because internally I’m living in two different places at once. One part of me feels exhausted and unsafe and thinks this may not be repairable. Another part misses her, loves her, and wonders if I’ve been too frozen to step into the life we were supposed to have.
I know that must be frustrating to read. It’s also frustrating to live inside my own head with this. It feels so convoluted that I can’t make heads or tails of anything.
You will find frequent mention of BPD "FOG" on this site and elsewhere.
Hi ForeverDad. Thank you for your message and for sharing your experience and knowledge.
The BPD “FOG” idea is new to me, but it seems to definitely describe what I’m going through.
What you said about this being a peer support site is exactly why I started posting here. I had felt very alone in this experience. It helps to read from people who have been there, even if no one can make the decision for me.
I hope I didn’t give the impression that I’m expecting someone here to decide for me. I know the decision is mine. I think I’m here more because I’m trying to understand the situation through people who recognize the patterns from lived experience. At some point a therapist can offer tools, but there is something different about hearing from people who have actually lived through similar things.
Just to clarify, my partner is not my wife. We are unmarried, and that is part of the pain I have caused her. Also, I definitely don’t think a child would fix the relationship. I don’t believe that, and I’m sorry if anything I wrote gave that impression. If anything, the question of children is one of the reasons this all feels so urgent and painful, because it is connected to time, fertility, regret, and the fear that I have damaged her chances at the life she wanted.
As for your story, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. It seems so overwhelming and almost unfathomable the amount of pain you’ve had to go through. Thank you for sharing your experience.
We are both in therapy individually, and have also done couples therapy. I don’t know what the outcome will be. But I’m trying to understand and make sense of all.
Thank you again for writing. I really appreciate the directness and the care.