Thank you very much Notwendy and CC43,  I've reread your posts and I know I will read them again as I'm walking out setting boundaries. I agree that I am enabling and I'm not helping my son, but actually hindering him. It's not fun to admit that and still continue doing it. I need to repeat that phrase to myself over and over so it sinks in.  I know some of my struggle is my Dad had bpd and I was his support person even as a little girl. So my rescue responses are greatly influenced by those scary, difficult years. I don't know if you all really know how much this forum and your input helps me walk forward inspite of my inner struggling and my sons issues. I feel like I have understanding and reality to hold on to when my son spins out, when memories haunt me and my insides rebel. 

Hi JsMom,

Well it sounds to me like there are a couple of good developments here.  First, your son had a stretch of four months of stability--is that a record for him?  That's pretty good in my opinion.  That's a real accomplishment, as well as a solid base to work from.  Second, it seems you have a good grasp of the situation:  you're aware that the problem is your pain/fear/panic at seeing your son struggle.  Being able to see the pattern and name what you're feeling is key to addressing it.

Look, the way I see this is that, though your son might be venting and getting himself into a tizzy, it's not your job to get him out of it.  If you're always there to "rescue" him by talking him down and bailing him out with money, then how is he going to learn to do these things for himself?  He's 45, he can hold down a great job, my guess is that he's capable.  If he realizes he needs some expert assistance--psychological, a life coach, a finacial skills course--well that's great and very responsible of him.  But I think you need to get out of his way!  I know you might be worried sick at first, but I think it's time.  I'd say, it's time to close the Bank of Mom.

I think you need to deactivate that ATM (aka panic) button.  In my humble opinion, you shouldn't pay for DBT courses, because if you do, my sense is that he won't take them seriously.  He's 45, if he wants to do something, he should be the one to make it happen.  He has a job and presumably insurance--he can find therapy that works for him.  And when he does, you're not depriving him of that sense of accomplishment and the pride of full "ownership" of his life.  But if you are "facilitating" his life for him out of panic and concern, what you're basically doing is projecting a sense of incompetence onto him, and you're perpetuating a feeling that he's dependent on you.  Do you really want that?

My adult BPD stepdaughter had a habit of rebounding to her dad's and my home every few months after a self-inflicted crisis.  What she'd do was give up on something (school, her job, her rooming situation, etc.) and "escape" her life by living with us, rent, responsibility and consequence-free.  (Do you see how she uses avoidance as her main coping strategy?)  Of course, at first she'd enjoy being on "vacation," but even she knew it wasn't sustainable, because she wasn't living her life--she was just "waiting" on the sidelines, in a sort of purgatory, while hating her dad and me full time.  Last fall, her dad asked her to leave our home, because she was hostile, and she wasn't working or trying very hard to find work.  Though the circumstances around her leaving weren't ideal, I think that it was one of the best things that happened to her.  She was forced to live in the "real world" and face the consequences of her own choices.  And once she was given the time and space to sort out her own life on her own, she surprised us.  Sure, her dad is helping her with some money from time to time, but it's much less then what he used to give her, and he's in the process of weaning her off money completely, as we're retired.  I think she's free to "hate" us as much as she wants, weaving a narrative that we "abused" her by "kicking her out for no good reason," and that's fine if it's what it takes to get her to stand on her own two feet and create an adult's life for herself.  I'd rather be temporarily "despised" as "toxic," if it means she creates a real life for herself, rather than despise me because I'm an enabler of her living like a perpetual victim and like a little girl, with fewer responsibilities than a five-year-old, because that's not healthy for any of us.

Anyway, I might have advised before that I think your role needs to evolve from one of "facilitator/rescuer" to cheerleader.  You don't give money.  You don't solve your son's problems.  You don't even volunteer advice unless he asks for it.  If he's spinning out of control, maybe you allow him to sit with his feelings and process them, but you don't become his punching bag.  Also, you're not his therapist--if he's venting for hours late into the night, you extricate yourself, because you need your sleep, and so does he!  In other words, you need healthy boundaries, namely not to lose too much of your valuable time and money to his chaos.  You give him time and space to sort things out for himself.

One more example from me:  my stepkids were racking up parking and speeding tickets when they started driving.  My husband would pay for them, and he became increasingly stressed out when the tickets continued and the insurance costs soared even higher.  He even hired lawyers to appear in court to contest the tickets, so his (adult) kids wouldn't lose their licenses.  At one point, I said, If you continue to pay the tickets, they'll keep getting tickets.  If you want the tickets to stop, stop paying for them.  And guess what?  When he stopped paying, he stopped getting more tickets from the kids.  Maybe the kids got more tickets, or maybe not, but they stopped being my husband's problem.  In other words, he had to refrain from getting in the way of the natural consequences of his kids' behavior.  So if an adult kid loses a job (or gets fired), they don't get "rewarded" with months' long vacations in the parental home.  They have to find another job, and quick, so that they can make rent.  They "need" the pressure of making rent to get out there and find another employment situation, find an affordable living situation, etc.

Just my two cents.

I have some similar stories. My BPD mother disliked my father's family. They didn't say much to me about it until after my father passed away. Apparently they didn't like her much either. Even though they invited her to visits when they invited us, she sometimes didn't come. I assumed that after my father passed away, they'd have nothing to do with each other.

Some time after that, they planned a get together, invited us (the adult children) but not her. We dreaded telling her, because we knew she'd feel hurt that we were visiting them, and not her. We didn't want her to feel hurt but we really wanted to go and see our relatives on that side.

We told her and she got angry. When I asked her why- she didn't like them and she would not have gone anyway, she replied "they should have invited me".

Sometimes this kind of thing sounds confusing because the reason for their being upset isn't the actual reason they say. Your brother sees that you have the kind of relationship and stable family that he doesn't have- and this may trigger his insecurities. It also means more attention from your parents on your family with the new baby.

I also think that my mother was upset over our visit to my father's family because we were visiting them and not her, even though we didn't intend for the visit to hurt her feelings. However, the reason she said was not this.

Thanks everyone!

Yeah, I think luckily I have learnt (to some extent) to not pay too much attention to this sort of things in terms of his reaction. I can do nothing to control them, as you all say, and since the problem is that I have good news, there is no way in the world to make that "better" for him, and I have a right to be happy. He literally said he didn't want to hear anything about my kids and me, so no reason why I should feel guilty in the slightest.

Regarding the story from ForeverDad, I've had plenty of situations similar to that. My brother has no children, but when he had a girlfriend he was always constantly demanding we include them in everything we used to do. I (stupidly) ended up not going to many meals and days out with friends simply because they had not invited them as well. My wife was painted as a bad person just because she had friends she liked hanging out with more than his girlfriend.

I think it's great that your therapist has identified the boundary issue for you. It's also because, we can't change another person, only ourselves, so while your son has his own issues with BPD and spending, when you give him money, it enables his behavior.

The wish to help is normal as a parent, however, if you can see this kind of "help" as enabling- something that could stand in the way of your son learning to manage money better- you may feel less inclined to help in this way.

This isn't just with someone with BPD. It's with anybody- if we could spend money as we want- and someone will give us more, maybe we'd be less inclined to stick to a budget.

It's also good that you have identified your own feelings of fear if you don't help financially. If it's our own feelings, we can learn to work with that.

Something that helped me, in addition to therapy, is 12 step CODA groups, which helps to idenfity and change enabling behavior.

With my BPD mother, mismanaging money was a long term behavior. My father enabled her. After he passed away, she didn't have money management skills and compromised herself financially, in her elder years. Your son is able to be employed, and recover financially from mistakes- and so, if you think of this as letting him learn now- while he can do that, then it could be that the best way to "help" is to not give money.

IMHO I would not pay for therapy. The incentive needs to come from him. He may be less likely to follow through if it's not a money risk to him.

I think we all would help in a situation where someone was sick, infirm, a true emergency where they could not work or fend for themselves but your son is able to work- and so letting him learn may be the best experience for him, even if it's hard to say no.

I want to add to my post, asking a question.  Has anyone really struggled with setting boundaries? Such as giving financially where you short yourself and the pwbpd overspends, doesn't budget..
I know in my head this is very unhealthy. My heart feels like I'm being cruel if I don't  "help".  I hate that I feel stuck and afraid. 
Has anyone been able to make this change?  And how did you do it?

Hi, I've been gone from here for about 6 months. My swubpd went from broke and suicidal in Oct. to find a very good job. In my fantasy world, that was all he needed to be ok. From what I saw he was managing life well for about 4 months at which time he called in a panic because of mismanaging money. When I say panic I mean frantic, all logic and rational thinking out the window. So, in true form I panic and rescue with rent money.
I've been in therapy since October and I'm finally understanding my son isn't the problem. I don't allow myself to be manipulated and taken advantage of because of his pain. It's my pain at seeing him hurting, scared.... that stops me from setting the boundaries I want to set boundaries and know it's important for his growth and mine. He's 45. He's intelligent and has always had a job or started a career. I love him yet this illness creates such chaos. My husband,  not his biological Dad is at the end of his rope with me letting myself be taken advantage of.  So, I'm here to practice and set boundaries on my money, ridiculously long amounts of time on the phone trying to calm and reason with my son who isn't in a state to do that at that time. He has said a couple weeks ago that he wants therapy.  I'm not sure he's serious,  but the only thing I want to help pay for is good DBT therapy. I'll be reading posts and articles available. Thanks

Sorry, I didn’t mean she’s “great” as a grandma, rather just generationally speaking her grandchildren (my kids) have kids of their own. She has no relationship with any of them; she’s estranged from my oldest child and her kids and my other kids and their families live too far away and keep their distance otherwise. She’s not even connected with them on social media and my kids are not fooled by my mom. My mom is so disconnected from all of them she doesn’t realize how many of grandkids exist - two of my kids each have had another child in recent years and my mom doesn’t know.

Great idea, my husband has a few ways he can commute on the front end of his drive but these incidences mostly happen fairly close to home, within a a few miles and they’re mostly catching him in that range. Sometimes further away though. My mom doesn’t live that far away.

Frankly, she is not a great example as a grandma.  Yes, she may limit her antics and disrespect (most of the time) when with her grandchildren but that does not mean she is a great grandma.  Ponder how you can ensure your children aren't fooled by her pretense.

My maternal grandfather remarried after grandma's death before I was born.  Step-grandma seemed sweet but she was a different person to her husband and my parents.  When I became an adult I was a religious volunteer for many years.  To say I was poor would be an understatement.  One time when I was bringing him to his home he gave me $5 - just the once - and he told me not to tell his wife.  After he passed I remarked to my mother about his single gift to me years before.  Mom replied that she was two-faced, "Her money was her money - she even had to pay taxes on her interest - and his money was their money."  Imagine that he couldn't even share that he gave his grandson $5!  That was not a great step-grandmother in my eyes.

Perhaps your husband can avoid some of their road ambushes by varying his route to and from work?

Yes they do. I think sometimes even more. It's normal aging for people to lose their "filter" as they get older and to say things maybe they wouldn't ordinarily say. However, if they aren't disordered to begin with, these wouldn't be quite as strange.

Someone with BPD can also have behavioral changes related to aging. For my mother, one of them was control. As she became more dependent, she also became more controlling. One of the strangest changes was that she usually was very attentive to her appearance, dressing nicely, hair done. In assisted living, when the aide came to help her bathe, she refused. She was assessed for issues like dementia, depression, none were seen. What I think was going on was a need for control. She was not going to do what the aide wanted to do, sort of a power struggle.

I think if there's a big change in an elderly person's behavior- they would need to be evaluated for possible causes, but sometimes it's just their behavior- and yes, at any age.