There is a less final or total aspect of No Contact (NC) and that is Low/Limited Contact (LC) less often termed Medium Chill (MC).  All it means is that you control how much or how little contact you have with your adult adopted daughter.  The downside of LC is that there will continue to be some level of push/pull cycles that will keep resurfacing.

Decades ago one of my siblings briefly fostered an unadoptable child.  They were told that up front but they still proceeded with the adoption.  After the spouse died a few years later, the child started acting out uncontrollably and had to be returned to state care.  I think there is still some contact now and then but it is very minimal, their lives are separate and honestly it's better that way.

As a dad, I feel the same way so it's not only moms.  But I figured out that I could either been in my kid's immediate circle or I could keep some distance and not have that daily drama that's so exhausting.

So I backed way off and life is better now, it's actually about me most of the time.

Because of that, I get other slights that I don't appreciate.  For example, my kid posted happy father's day to my ex wife's new husband and to herself (since she identifies as a man and was dating a woman with a kid).  Her step dad gives her money though and I don't anymore, so I don't take it personally...even though it certainly feels that way most of the time.

So you're not alone in being hurt over and over again.  But in time, that begins to fade as you really accept the reason behind it- mental illness and and an unhealthy need for constant, instant gratification.

I think I have come across the answer to part my questions.  I found it in response to Foolingmyself, referring to the personal emotional work that I need to do with a therapist.

You can do that. Your adopted D is an adult, she has a source of income, and you don't have any responsibilities for her as a parent.

This is my own personal advice but one way to do this is to do it quietly rather than to make a statement to her. I found that speaking about a boundary to my BPD mother - she perceived herself in victim perspective- and so to her, it seemed she was being attacked and she escalated.

Another way is quiet action- if you don't wish to speak to her when she calls, then don't answer the phone. If she persists, say you are "taking a break " rather than say you are severing the relationship. If she asks to move back in, tell her "no- this isn't an option".

The severing is emotional work on your part. Saying you are going to do it doesn't address the feelings you have. This is something to do with a therapist, and you will need the emotional support to help you work this out. Right now, you feel anger but these relationships involve grief, regret, and relief, sometimes at the same time.

I didn't go NC with my BPD mother but I did have to work on my own emotional feelings. The work was on my part- with a therapist, not an action to anounce to her, but emotional work for me. I have seen from posters who went NC with the BPD family member that this may give them the emotional space and safety for their own well being- but there's still emotional work to do on their part.

You have no obligation to support or be responsible at all to an adult who is accountable for her own behavior. You don't have to tolerate being mistreated or exploited. However, it's an internal and personal process for you to disconnect emotionally, not something that needs to be announced to your D, especially when you are feeling angry. Best to let yourself feel more settled and do emotional work with a T.

My adopted daughter typically boomerangs back to me after a splitting episode. Now I have normally welcomed her back with open arms but I truly don’t feel compelled to do so at the moment. I know she is ill but the things she said this time and I overheard were so denigrating that I feel that I need to protect myself from her this time. I can’t be the pin cushion all the time.

I have reviewed the boundaries section here but I am considering severing the relationship for good. If I am honest, I don’t want to harm myself by becoming attached to a grandchild that she will use as a weapon. I’m kind of over her and her bull_____. I had to hide my grandchild’s photos because I don’t want to break down emotionally over them. I didn’t get rid of them but just put them away for safekeeping.

I strongly feel my adopted daughter is not going to make it through her daughter’s childhood. Her own mother died when she was seven from effects of drug abuse. I see her following her birth mother’s path. She’s also wanted for a felony in another state which will probably catch up to her. I feel relieved that she’s gone but prior to this blowout, I was supporting her. Things are up in the air.

I think he could be feeling jealous of your relationships -not like there's anything wrong with what you are doing but the casual and relaxed closeness you have with them.

I can relate in a way, and I don't have BPD. My BPD mother's FOO is a large extended close family- and while they have their "quirks" they aren't as disordered as she is. Even as a child- I wished for a family like that, and to be a part of something like that, but we kids also felt like "outsiders" to them.

Some is them, and some is us- they are mostly focused on their own nuclear family- nice to us but we feel like more of an afterhought than included in their main plans. Even now, they will call when they have time but they are usually busy.

Some is us- we grew up with the shame and secrecy of our disordered family. It's hard to relate to something different, and hard to trust it. CC43 has a point about inviting your family over if you can. There was a time when we lived close by to my mother's FOO and they invited us over but it wasnt reciprocated. We were kids and not aware of it. Years later, my mother's FOO said they thought my parents were snubbing them by not ever inviting them.

On occasion, BPD mother would invite them over and her stress level to have "everything perfect" was high. I think she feared being judged by them, for some reason. It would be a whole day of her stressing and disregulation just to prepare for a visit from anyone really. So it didn't happen often as it was difficult for her.

I think BPD mother was jealous of them too- and wanted what they have. Some of them still live near each other- the adult kids are close, the grandkids are close.  What she didn't understand was the reciprocal nature of the relationships they built over time. What she saw was the kids and grandkid's attention to her FOO members and wanted that- but not knowing how to actually foster that. To her, she wanted us to meet her emotional needs, and while we did visit, and do things for her during the visits, this isn't the same as close knit family bonds, built over time.

BPD affects all relationships to some extent. I also think our own FOO relationships play a part. If your parents recently moved- then this is a new experience for him. It may just take some getting used to. Also it may help to have some get togethers with just a few members at a time so that he can relate to people more one on one than the whole crowd at once. That doesn't mean leaving people out of main get togethers but maybe have your parents over for dinner one day, then another time, a sibling and that family- so he isn't navigating all the relationships at once.

Think about it this way.  If I say to you, "Help me lose weight," there's many ways you can respond.  And I think the only way you give an appropriate answer is to think about, "Why's he asking the question to begin with?"

When you're asked for help, your BPD is looking for understanding first and foremost.  And you should be able to give that since you know what it's like to feel frustrated or stressed.

And I get it, focusing on "feelings" doesn't actually solve the problem.  It makes them feel better in the moment.  But what if the actual problem, why they're ranting on and on about their terrible life, is the perspective they have from their feelings? 

Then you can give a great bit of help just listening and showing compassion.

It's very easy to want to fix someone else's problems by telling them everything they're doing wrong.  Even without the mental illness aspect, what we say can do more harm than good if we're not careful with our words and intentions.  And I'm not saying that you're doing that, but try to keep that in perspective anyway.  Dealing with BPD is a marathon, not a sprint.

For love to grow and succeed, it must be mutual.  If over time there is still this mismatch - even if it is only the timing - then it might be wise to Let Go and Move On with your life.

It's hard, though, to set aside the emotions you've developed.  You can encourage further development if she is willing but you can't force the relationship.

One of the benefits of therapy is that it can teach us better ways of thinking and perceiving our relationships.  One concept a therapist would encourage is developing a "wise mind".  In general - I haven't delved deep into this - it means that we review what we and others have said and done - the good as well as the bad - so that we can reinforce what we did well and decide to avoid in the future the actions and reactions that failed.

People with BPD traits often rush forward in the moment with their emotional mind, disengaging their logical mind until later.  It is wisdom to keep them balanced so the emotional perceptions-based side works with the logical reality-based side.

Ding, ding, ding!  I think you've figured out your man.

The way I see it, aside from his insecurities and jealousies, his thinking is overwhelmingly negative.  He's so caught up in feeling inferior, aggrieved and slighted that he doesn't see what's right in front of him:  he IS part of a loving family!  He has you.  He has his son.  He has your extended family.  He's so preoccupied living in the past and wallowing in his internal pity party that he can't enjoy a real family party.

On the other hand, your husband's expectations are unrealistic, as he probably envisages some sort of Hallmark movie moment where he's adored and receives abundant praise from your extended family members, instead of just enjoying the general togetherness, even if it means hearing the same old humblebrag from a brother-in-law.  Oh, and here's the other thing:  your man probably has no idea that other family members are trying to impress HIM with their stories.  He's too insecure to realize that maybe somebody else might be envious of him (he married you after all . . . ).  Instead, he feels aggrieved because the story isn't about him or something he already knows.

If your husband is upset about not going to parties, then he should host one!  It wouldn't have to be a big to do--how about an intimate one with three or four family members, friends or neighbors?  A kick-off-the-summer, informal get-together.  Make it fun, with cooling-off watermelon, a signature cocktail/mocktail, a viewing of a seasonal sporting event, whatever.  If a "dinner party" is too daunting, make it cocktails or tapas.

The thing is, pwBPD are generally all take and no give, not just in relationships, but in everyday things like daily conversations and socializing.  Your husband probably thinks the problem is with how others percieve him and treat him.  But it's all in his head, due to his negative thinking.  If he's desperate for connection, he needs to turn things around, stop being so passive and expecting people to always come to him, and start reaching out.  (A fear of "rejection" might prevent him from extending invitations, but hey, people are busy, he just needs to be persistent.)  Moreover, he can't expect always to converse about stuff he likes; he could open up a little and at least pretend to like what someone else does.  Conversation isn't only about talking, it's also about listening.  And life isn't only about doing stuff you love, but about doing stuff with the ones you love.  That includes family get-togethers.  Two people are a family.  So are three.  So are ten.  For me, a "quorum" for a "party" is three.

I know, you can't force your husband to turn around his negative thinking.  But maybe you could remind him:  My darling, you ARE part of a family, this one.  We love you.  Of course people want to see you, and you're always invited.  Yes you might have to listen to my brother's bragging again, but that's only because he's trying to impress you.  Here's an idea, let's have some family over at our place later in the month, when SS15 is around--let's invite uncle and cousin.  We could stream that new crime special together and serve up themed appetizers.  Or we could watch Formula 1.  That would be fun, right?  Etc., etc.