Zachira, this is so true:



People that only know my sister superficially,  describe her as "sweet" and just don't understand how her family can be no contact. That same thing applied to my dNPD brother-in-law. I don't try to explain things to people because unless they've been on the receiving end,  they won't get it. My BIL is gone now, my sister is almost 77. I don't hate my sister.  In fact, I really feel mostly nothing. I feel a little sadness for what could have been if she had gotten treatment. But I don't dwell on it.

In Spanish we say: "Tell me who you hang out with, I will tell you who you are." Certainly one of the most painful and challenging part of being in a highly dysfunctional family are the flying monkeys, the enablers of the behaviors of the most disordered family members. While my parents were alive, I literally spent hundreds of hours listening to my parents bad mouth scapegoated siblings who turned out to be nice people; certainly they were very kind to me. I realized just how disordered my parents were, when my scapegoated aunt took care my siblings and me for a week, while my parents were stuck on the other side of the country. The demeaning tone of my parents' voices when they talked about having to thank my aunt was just heartbreaking. This sort of thing happens over and over again to this day with the golden children doing horrible things still being kept on a pedestal while the scapegoats are put down no matter how generous and kind they are to other family members.

OK, I'm not a psychologist, and I've never experienced DID.  But I can think of an alternative explanation:  your mom has different "personas" that she uses to her perceived advantage.  Maybe when she's with people she wants to impress, she adopts a "fake" persona--possibly someone who is nice, concerned about others, giving, engaging.  My guess is that this persona is mostly performative, to win other people's attention and/or approval.  But maintaining this persona is exhausting for your mom.  By the time she gets home, your mom adopts her "real" persona with the people closest to her--her family--with whom she can let her guard down.  She doesn't feel she has to win you over, after all.  Instead, she's focused on getting her family to over-function for her, cater to her whims, reassure her, do her chores, not leave her alone, always make her the center of attention, "prove" your devotion to her.  When she doesn't get what she wants, she lashes out.  She's constantly grumpy, irritable, critical, demanding, demeaning, controlling.  If you dare to defy her, then she really throws a tantrum until you relent.  She might project her internal dissatisfaction onto you, calling you a lazy, ugly, stupid, good-for-nothing, freeloading worthless piece of scum who will never amount to anything and would be better off dead.  She might say she wishes she never had you, and that you ruined her life.  That's all just projection, code for how she feels about herself.  But she says this sort of thing so often that you might doubt yourself and start to believe her.

Sometimes though, when she's under stress, she'll show her "real" persona to those external people she wants to impress.  Maybe she feels slighted by a friend.  She'll throw some sort of tantrum, completely surprising her friend, because the tantrum is unwarranted.  Afterwards, your mom will feel regret and shame.  She'll pretend she "forgot" the entire incident even happened.  That's just a ruse for avoiding responsibility and apologizing.  If she's called out for her bad behavior, she might throw another tantrum and completely flip the script, blaming the former friend for some sort of grievance.  It's mostly lies.  She will DARVO:  Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.  Internally, maybe she blames an "alternate personality" for this.  But I think this sort of thing sounds exactly like BPD.  PwBPD can't handle feelings of shame, and so internally they develop delusional thinking patterns and re-write history to make themselves out to be victims, instead of taking responsibility for offensive behavior.  They'll deny any wrongdoing, and if they are challenged, they might say they forgot, or straight up lie about what happened.  I might be off base here, but that's what I'm reading into your post.

Now, of course we all try to project our best selves to the external world.  I'll try to put on a happy face when I'm at work or at a party.  I'm not saying that this abnormal--I think we all do that to some extent, and when we get home, we tend to let our hair down and relax.  I just think that pwBPD take this normal behavior to an extreme.  The pwBPD in my life typically seems able to "pull herself together" to do whatever she wants to do.  But good grief, her emotions can flip wildly, over seemingly minor things.  One moment she seems happy, and the other, she's totally unhinged and flying off the handle.  It seems to me that she can control her emotions for a short time, but she's easily overwhelmed by ordinary life.  Many ordinary things seem too much for her, like she can't handle them.  Minor setbacks seem like the end of the world.  Minor stresses (a headcold, a flat tire, a parking ticket, an appointment) seem momentous to her, a reason to skip all other obligations for the day.   Minor disagreements seem like reason to launch WWIII.  She needs LOTS of downtime.  She seems to have no stamina, no grit, no resilience.  It's like ordinary life knocks her off her feet all the time, and she's constantly upset by that, because she feels tired, strained, incapable, overwhelmed.  She thinks the world is conspiring against her, and yet she does precious little to deal with her problems.  She'd rather rant and rot in bed.  Do I have that about right?

Thanks for these replies. It's such a difficult thing to make sense of as the non-disordered person. Even now I find myself having to ground myself intentionally whenever I have an interaction with her. She has surrounded herself with people who validate and support her, normalizing the chaos she sows and ignoring the patterns. I think one of the hardest things for me in trying to understand her treatment of me through the years has been trusting my experiences and holding her accountable when those around her (and me, in the case of my FOO) look the other way, normalize, and even justify it. It's a wonder any sibling or child comes through it with a solid, clear sense of Self.

There are many disordered clients who are adept at manipulating therapists. It is common in marital therapy for a narcissist to manipulate the therapist into believing that the other spouse is the problem. A well known trait of many disordered people including those with BPD is to be able to appear normal when in the public eye while being abusive to their close family members and partners in private.

My dBPD sister has a talent for picking therapists that she can manipulate. None of her children will do therapy with her now. If she can't manipulate the therapist, she quits.

I think this is what happened with my BPD mother. I didn't attend therapy with her so I don't know what was discussed, but it seems she didn't make progress with it.

I could have written similar words. I was so afraid of turning into my BPD mother. However, I didn't turn out to act like her and neither will you- because you have the self awareness to work on the issues that happen when growing up in a dysfunctional family. Unfortunately your mother doesn't seem to have that.

However, I have asked counselors at times if they think I have BPD for my own reassurance, and they have reassured me that I do not. Yet, both parents are role models and it's understandable that we have learned behaviors from each of them and also survival skills when growing up in a family like this. Learned behaviors can be changed when someone has insight and is willing to work with a counselor. At 22, I had a lot to learn and that's OK- you are where you are at as well. You are not your mother.

You are in the right place to share your questions and situation with others who have been and are in similar situations. Also, as your counselor recommended Al Anon- that is also a helpful place. One idea to ask the counselor about is another similar 12 step group "Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families". A counselor also had recommended 12 step groups to me and I found this group to be helpful- either one can help but I liked this approach for me. They are similar in ways but since ACA delves into what it's like growing up with dysfunction, it was a good fit for me. These resources don't replace professional counseling- both this board and ACA are lay groups, but I found all of them to be helpful in different ways- (in addtion to the counseling which is important and is what you are doing).

Thank you. i am speechless. I’ve never had anybody spell out my life like that! She was diagnosed with DID as her “big” or main diagnosis first, however I believe she was diagnosed with BPD but never continued with the counselor that gave her that (she was not happy with that diagnosis). Her mother is a text book narcissist too, so it falls in line. I’m currently in school to get my MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling as well, does not make me an expert by any means but i’m familiar with the diagnosis.

You’re right about the remembering part. It’s a way to grieve it too, it’s easier to imagine your mom is two separate people than one. But you’re right. I hope by remembering that myself I can keep myself honest in my moments. I just don’t want to be that, ever.

You’re so right about all of this. I just don’t know how to stomach the guilt of walking away and being better for myself. I know I have to do it, it just feels like it’s going to take a life time to learn. Thank you for your kind words, I think i’m going to reread this everyday till it clicks

Hi there,
I am wondering if anyone has experience with their PWBPD or uBPD entering into therapy to help them manage the chaos in their lives, not the condition itself, ultimately resulting in a therapist reinforcing their skewed perspectives and outlook?