That's a great way to put it. I often thought it was like being with someone who has that medical condition where they can't hold a memory for long and have to constantly re-learn everything.

The sheer illogicality of BPD was the biggest problem; nothing ran 'normally' as you'd expect it to - ie if you're nice to them then they're bound to be nice back to you. If I could turn the clock back I'd still meet her... but knowing what I know now I woudn't have kept chasing her for four years; her first BPD outburst after a few weeks would have been the last.

Funnily enough, I still have a feeling that I will meet her again in person though.. and when I get feelings like that they often come true. I still have a mental picture of her aged 32, when I last saw her. She'll be 70 next year!

Great job!  I have a little bit of a different opinion as to what is going on.  Your wife has identified as being a mom for several years now.  That is what she identifies as, a mom.  Being the one who works outside the house, you identify with your profession, educator.  When a coworker has a question, they come to you; when a client of yours has a need, they come to you, etc.  It would be strange if one of your clients went to some one of a different profession as you to ask a question that should be directed at you...ie. if one of your clients asked the mail carrier to teach them how to play a song on the piano.  IMHO, this is how your wife is feeling.  In her opinion, she is the one who knows best about the children, because she is Mom.  I don't think that she doesn't think that you are their mom or is controlling the "mom" role, I just don't think that she aligns the same responsibilities to you that she does with herself, because of what she identifies herself as.  This may not be the correct thing to do, but at a lesser level than your wife, I think that this happens often when one parent works outside the home and the other stays home with the kids.  I do think that she has taken some of this over the top, like when the kids are not allowed to look at pictures without her, etc, but I believe that that is the BPD, the extreme control in whatever they can control, because she wants the kids to need her so they don't abandon her.  With her starting school, her emotions over this could be over the top, as she is not always around for your kid's every move any longer, so she could be trying to push this on the kids more, but that's a total guess!  I have found that with my uBPDh, if there is something like this I have decided to just do what I feel is normal, if he freaks out, I walk away and bring the kids to our room to read a book or something distracting.  If he comes in while I am distracting he kids and tries to start in with them around, I say this will NOT be done around the kids and then ask them if they want to go get ice cream.  The more that I do said thing, the more that it becomes "normal", for the most part!  Though, I will say that my uBPDh can not deal with me leaving the house to work and even though I have done so since we met, he has always freaked out every time I leave for work in the morning...it makes for great weeks let me tell you!   

It never really made sense to me. Some topics, I just don't want to discuss and they upset me, sure. But everyone has those moments. She sure as heck had plenty of things that were off limits with us, and that's ok to me. I simply didn't want to have an argument about every single thing. Literally. She would start fights at every corner and I'd get frustrated and bark back, so that meant she was on eggshells. My words to her were, pick your battles. Don't you think there are little things that you do that annoy me at times? I just think about it in my head, and move on. I want to be happy and not always fighting. And yeah, every single thing was twisted into me somehow attacking her character. She told me in the beginning my calm demeanor in arguments kept her grounded...well, grounded was screaming at the top of her lungs, finger in my face, insulting me, cursing at me.

That story sounds extremely similar to my adult BPD stepdaughter's experience--getting kicked out of rooming situations, blaming others, feeling aggrieved and bullied by everyone, despairing after a break-up, having her stomach pumped, failing classes, needing bailouts, refusing to see parents at homecoming, cutting off communications, isolating herself at holidays, self-medicating with illicit substances, losing all her friends, lashing out in fits of rage, the whole works.  Yet in my stepdaughter's case, doctors recommended that she focus on therapy for a time, instead of returning to college.  But she threw a fit, and her dad relented, allowing her to re-enroll against everyone's better judgment.  It was no surprise to me that she dropped out a few weeks later.  This cycle happened repeatedly, and each iteration seemed worse than the prior one, until my dear stepdaughter hit bottom and really committed to therapy.  I'm glad to say she managed to turn her life around, and though there have been some setbacks, generally speaking she's back on track, and her life looks much healthier now.

BPDGrief, that your daughter made it to senior year, in spite of her BPD issues, is commendable.  I think if she can manage that, she can manage just about anything.  She's still young, BPD doesn't have to derail her entire life if she gets the right therapy.  I hope you don't lose hope.  Here you will find all sorts of stories, so you won't feel so alone, and maybe you can get some useful tips, too.

Hello, BPDgrief (similar to BPDstinks!) may I say, sorry for you, also....I overshare, all the time!  One of my very best friends is living the exact life I wanted (her daughter just started college, my friend visits, etc.) (about this time, years back, was the last time my BPD daughter was very happy (or so we thought!) and I tell my friend, outright, while I am happy for her, I AM jealous, to which, she says, she is sorry she did not realize the issueS, the point being....people seem to be open to the explanation (though, I know, unless ONE explains it, BPD is a mystery (I have all kinds of pictures on my phones of definitions, that I share with very close friends; my husband is in complete denial & so sad, that is just breaks my heart; I hold onto the hope that she will just "come around" one day, hence, why I see my BPD therapist, to "be ready" as I acknowledge my (I have anxiety issues of my own!) personality does not mesh with her BPD!  (My therapist is Susan Toner, she does ZOOM!) please hang in there!

It can be terribly frustrating how a person can make it look like he/she is at the top of the world in everything and how so many people buy into their false image. Sometimes the false image eventually gets exposed so most people know about it, and a lot of times the work the person does to fool most people makes it look like this person has really made it. Sometimes the best strategy can be to distance ourselves as much as possible from a former close partner or family member and the people who surround him/her, as the war to make themselves look good and anybody who has stood up to them look bad never ends. These type of people work endlessly to recruit their supporting flying monkeys to gaslight any close former partner or family member who has exposed them. We only can continue to value ourselves and make better choices about who we choose to associate with. I have personally distanced myself from most of my close family members, as I realize they will always be stuck in promoting their toxic narcissistic public image, whereas I now enjoy the simple things in life more than ever and worry less and less what people think of me.

This is a tricky point. Because as we all know, there was idealization and amazing times initially. When they were head over heels for you, it was 'real'. They thought you were flawless and all felt real. As soon as they realize you're a human and make mistakes, the love/hate starts.

So while it was 'real', it wasn't ever anything permanent. From what I experienced, the slate is always cleaned at every turn. Good things are erased and bad things are never forgotten. For something to be real, my mind tells me it should be constant. While I'm so angry with how I was treated, I don't regret the love I gave and showed.

yet again, yes! I’ve had the I have to walk on eggshells around you comment thrown at me. Me, the person that she says is so laid back if I was any more laid back I would be horizontal. The person she accuses of not caring when she just confuses that with emotional security. The person that never had a go at her about her behaviour. Never used to twist her words out of proportion.

I could t behave the way she does if I tried. I know this, because I tried. So in retrospect it is probably just as difficult for the disordered person to act in an acceptable manner.

why do you believe this?

I guess CPTSD manifests itself similarly to BPD.  But unlike BPD, it's cause can be traced to an event, or series of events.  I wonder if this makes it more of a treatable condition?  Or at least allows for a more treatable condition.  Maybe that's why she seems to have shown some improvement?

That part about not telling someone things until after they're married is wild.  It's one thing to find out someone is BPD or CPTSD after you're married, and have been in the dark before then because they kept it together.  However to knowingly tell someone "I have a deep dark secret, and I won't share it until you're legally bound to stay with me" is next level! 


So much of the world works on a "who you know" rather than "what you know" basis that I would assume her father's prestige opened career doors for her that wouldn't be open to the typical university graduate.  And similarly, earlier in my career I had been surprised many times by interactions with members of my profession that had absolutely golden resumes & respected positions at their firms, but couldn't handle simple tasks or do their job competently.  I've learned you just never know what someone is like at work until you see how they actually perform. 

There was a period of time after our divorce that BPDxw's career trajectory changed dramatically.  She was younger than me, and started her career later, but landed a really good job and looked to be on the rise.  We work in the same profession, and you'd think this would've bothered me, but I knew better.  She was from another country, although she did a master's program here at a fairly prestigious American university.  But I've since learned that this school often fills out their masters programs with candidates for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with actual ability, intellect, test scores, grades, etc.  So again... you just never know what someone is really like, or how they got where they are unless you saw how "the sausage gets made" so to speak. 

Anyways, I remember wondering "how the hell did she get THAT job?" then checking out her bio page at the firm, and noting that she had claimed expertise in a lot of areas where she had none, or at most, a bit of highly-supervised work on one or two projects.  She really had no expertise whatsoever, but I digress. And in addition to the falsely claimed expertise, she claimed to be fluent in two other languages - aside from English and her native language - that I knew for sure she was not fluent in.  But she was not a nepotism hire; she wasn't there because she was bringing in business or had an influential parent who could benefit the firm; she was now in a position where she was expected to perform, and I knew it would be only a matter of time before that exposed her.  Sure enough, one evening my daughter told me her mom was crying at home a lot because her "boss hates her work" and she thought she was going to get fired.  And then she was fired not too long after that.  She went back to her glorified clerk job at the firm where she started her "career" and she's been there ever since.

I do sometimes wonder what finally got her... was it just general incompetence?  Or did she actually get asked to sit in on a meeting conducted in one of her fake fluent languages and get exposed hard core as fraud?  How had they overlooked this?   There might be a story there.

BPDxw also grew up in a notoriously corrupt country, where competence does not matter, and "the truth" is whatever you can convince people it is.  Lie on your resume.  Tell them you designed and built the Eiffel Tower.  You have 4 PhD's from Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and MIT.  You cured cancer.  If they buy it, you're golden.  If not?  No big deal!  Just find a bigger sucker next time.

And not to act like America isn't also horribly corrupt now, but at least here, for example, doctors can't just buy an M.D.; they're expected to go through medical school (without paying each professor for a passing grade), pass the boards, and learn how to specialize in a medical field via a multi-year residence.  So we have some standards.  BPDxw keeps learning that the hard way.