Hi there,

I think you might start to assume the best rather than the worst of your daughter.  If she wants to walk home, let her walk home, even if it takes two hours (i.e. 5 miles) and it's cold.  If I were in your shoes, I'd say something like, "OK, have a good night, I'm turning in."  You put aside your worry because if your daughter gets cold, she could warm up in a store/building/gas station.  She could take a bus home.  She could call for an Uber.  She could knock on the door of someone's home and ask for a blanket as she waits for a ride.  If she gets into trouble, she could say, "Hey Siri, call 911."  If it's a dangerous city, she would be carrying mug money and/or mace.  My guess is she doesn't have to, because the city isn't that dangerous; if it were dangerous, she'd take some precautionary measures.  In other words, your stock response should be "OK," in a neutral to slightly upbeat tone.  No advice, no warnings, no threats, no rescues, because your daughter knows what she's doing, and she's a big girl.

If your daughter starts demanding that you pick her up, you could say, "No.  I respected your choice to walk.  I'm going to bed.  Good night."

I like this approach. I plan to stay focused on my brother and other family that day. I appreciate all the perspectives

I got the DNA results just like 2 weeks ago. I wasn’t even mad or overly shocked when I saw it. It kind of explained her weird behaviours more than if I was the father. It was a moment of relief and grief knowing that child is not mine, I am mourning the fact I was ready to be a father and love a child that isn’t even mine but also glad the child is not mine because I’d be tethered to someone like her for life.

I understand that, I agree & can see that. I know she is ill and I don’t believe she is a bad person. I don’t hate her, even after what happened.

I have been doing all that, I will try my best to put myself out there and heal, thank you:)

Yes that makes sense, in a weird way it brings comfort you saying she isn’t bad just ill. I take it a little less personally.
I just don’t understand how she can throw away all the effort I put in like that but applying logic to someone who doesn’t think with it makes no sense.

That makes sense, I’m sorry this happened to you as well. Thank you for taking the time to reply and all the best for you also.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it definitely stings for awhile.  How long ago did this happen?  By that I mean when you received the DNA results.

Your ex is mentally ill and makes bad decisions because of it.  I'm not trying to defend her, but she probably figured that you might be the father and rolled the dice.  She probably broke up with you after feeling more and more confident that you weren't the father.  Who knows.  It comes from disordered thinking though.  BPDs really get eaten up by guilt and shame, they don't know how to let go of it or move past it, so it just lingers and continually changes their thinking, their words, actions, etc.

Let's talk about you- how do you move on?  Well, you're already doing it.  At first, that could mean one day at a time because the pain cuts deep, it's an ugly betrayal.  Like Pete said though, I'm sure she was saying the same things to the other guy too.  This wasn't about you at all, it was about having no idea what to do when she really messed up several people's lives because of her actions.

My advice?  Stay busy at work and get a gym membership.  Get back into old hobbies or find new ones.  Hang out with friends and family more, people that care about you.  One day at a time, one week at a time, until it's no longer this huge thing in your mind.  Everyone here healed at different speeds; for me, it was about 6 months before I began to feel normal again.  But it also took that long to realize how messed up things really were in the relationship, so my mind had new things to analyze.

So take our advice- she didn't do this to you specifically.  It would have happened with any guy she was dating at the time.  She did it because she's mentally ill and she couldn't think her way through it because she was too emotional, too unbalanced.  Even the, "You're harassing her" comment...that's true in a way.  You said you sent one text, but that text was probably on her mind 24/7 for months and weighed on her like a ton of bricks.  For you, it was a text.  For her, it was torture because her mind can't let go of trauma (even when it's self-created) and she saw no way forward without losing a lot of respect from everyone around her.

At around the 1 year mark, I finally realized that my ex was sick and that's why she cheated on me.  It's not a great answer, but its the best my mind was going to find.  So try to save yourself extended heartbreak and listen to what we're saying- she did what she did because she's mentally ill.  There's no other reason and she's probably not a bad person.  She's just sick.  

Honestly we got together and at first she was so sweet, kind, caring.

I put a lot of effort into her and we just clicked overnight, it felt so natural / real.

That lasted like 4-6 months where I was genuinely over the moon. I kept hoping she would go back but she didn’t.
I have a really bad knee from 3 knee surgeries from the military and I don’t date often, there’s a lot I honestly can’t do and don’t put myself out there for a lot of people. That’s the main reason.. I used to move on so fast and I just think I’m more reserved now.

I agree I dodged a bullet. I hope I can find someone healthy one day.. I am going to see a therapist.

My BPD daughter said similar things and they were very hard.  Eventually, if she made any kind of threat like that I dialed 9-1-1 and said that she was a threat to herself or others.  When paramedics arrived, I would repeat that phrase over and over again, "She's a threat to herself or others."  Sometimes I'd add, "I don't feel safe with her being in the home right now, not with the way she's acting and the stuff she's saying."

Sometimes, they'd take her away for hours, days, or weeks.  Sometimes, they'd leave while filing a report.  But I did it anyway, every time, when her mood switched to highly disordered and she was screaming, crying, or whichever way the wind blew that day.  If she was truly unhinged, I dialed 9-1-1 every single time...even if paramedics had left 3 minutes earlier.

What quickly happened is that my daughter stopped those types of threats completely, because she wasn't getting what she wanted.  Whether she was truly suicidal or she just wanted to manipulate/hurt me, I really didn't care...I dialed 9-1-1.  And that took that particular weapon out of her arsenal after the 3rd or 4th involuntary hold.

Note that I didn't say, "She's suicidal."  That means she can say, "No I'm not."  Case closed, nothing happens.  By saying, "My kid is a threat to herself or others," now you're making it a mental health emergency that affects your wellbeing and everyone in the home as well.  They have no choice but to take her for an ambulance ride and a psych evaluation. 

She'd often be home the next day, but again, it's not completely about that.  It's about ending those types of threats so they're not weaponized against your family.

That's the thing- you're not trying to abandon.  Instead, you're saying that you enjoy helping her, but there has to be a basic level of respect there.  BPDs struggle with social interactions with those they're close to, so she absolutely must learn right from wrong.  Throwing a temper tantrum and blaming dad (while he's helping her) is wrong.  You can say that in a firm but loving way.

I would tell my BPD daughter, "Look, I want to take you for ice cream (or whatever it is that she wants in that moment), but you're making the choices here.  You can be nice and we'll do what you want to do, or you can be mean and I'll go do something else.  The choice is 100% yours and I'll let you choose."

Can you see what I did there?  It's not my choice to tell your kid to walk home in the cold.  It's her choice to walk home in the cold and maybe if she does it enough times, she might think, "Maybe I shouldn't go off on dad right now since it's really cold outside."

The same went for living with me- clean up after yourself and be kind.  Follow the two rules and you can stay forever.  If you don't like the rules, then I wish you luck wherever you decide to live.  I was never ugly about it though; I just made it clear that she was choosing the outcomes because my boundaries wouldn't change.

The more you reinforce that, the fact that she's choosing, the easier it gets in time.  I would say all the time, "I love you and I want you to stay."  But then I'd let her make her own choices and I'd force her to live with them.

It might sound mean, but it's a kindness in these circumstances.

Not to be flippant, but you just dodged a bullet.  Much worse outcomes for you were possible here.  Pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate that a little.

Beyond that, consider how you ended up with her, and why you tolerated her behavior for as long as you did, although it sounds like you recognized something was off about her and ended it reasonable soon.  If she was BPD (I assume that's why you're here) there was probably a lot about her behavior that you didn't like. 

I'd also suggest you don't take any of this personally; it wasn't your fault & you didn't do anything wrong.  You just had the misfortune of running into a pwBPD.  They're out there, and it happens.  Chalk it up to life experience & a lesson learned, and move on.  If it helps you avoid another bad relationship someday, consider it wasn't a total loss.

We had a rough patch of 2 months of constant arguing (it was somewhere during this she cheated, (conception would’ve been during July 2025)

In August we broke up, we broke up for about 1.5-2 weeks then she advised me she was pregnant. At first I thought she was bluffing so I got back with her to see. She took me to his first ultrasound and I accepted the reality the child was mine(or so I thought..)

Everything went “fine” until the baby shower, a week leading up to it she became distant.

I went to the baby shower in front her whole family (like 70 people) then she broke up with me a week later under the umbrella of me not doing enough for her and the child during the pregnancy, apparently

This kind of threw me the wrong way and didn’t make sense. I asked for a “DNA test to ensure my parental rights and obligations, and I have no doubts I am the father” after we broke up.

There was no contact for 2 months and I followed up with the dna test when she would’ve given birth. No reply.

After I filed a court application (it was ready to go) and my lawyer sent a letter to her that we will be needing a dna test and be taking this to court if she does not otherwise under the circumstances this step is not required

She sent a letter to my lawyer “confirming 2 dna tests” have confirmed I am not the father, and that I am apparently harassing and bullying her (I haven’t spoken to her since February minus one text addressing dna; and very polite/sterile)

Her mother was served the documents and after that she started complying (I do not believe willingfully..) and agreed to do the dna test shortly after but also that I “cease communication” upon the results confirming I am not the father.


Fast forward to the dna results; sure enough I am not the father.
I chose not to contact her after the results came out, to cancel costs and to advise my lawyer to tell hers not to contact me again, especially after that letter she sent him where I “cease communication” I am 26 and she is 23.

How do I heal and or move on from this? Any advice or input appreciated. I just feel a blatant “what the actual **** just happened”

Hi again.

I've read through so many of your posts and wish I had wise words for you - but here I am also asking questions. I wonder if there's ever a time when life becomes "normal" again.

I'm the mom of a 27 year old sdd (self diagnosed daughter) often tells me she wants to die.  I listen. I don't try to argue it, or fix it. I know better now.

When she splits, there's often the same comments so I'd love to know how to respond - or what you guys have tried.

Examples of the two most common that get me every time.  Any advice would be helpful.

Both of these are often in response to me telling her to stop a behaviour (yelling, calling me names, scolding me for something) and she will say "It's always about you, mom, isn't it.  You always have to make it about you" and I will respond (per my therapist) "In this moment, yes, I need to remind you that we need to be respectful to each other" (or something similar.) (this never works btw)  She will ultimately say one of the two following and it shuts me down.  I just don't know what to say or do. 

1. I only don't "do it" (commit suicide), because I don't want to hurt you, dad and my sibling - but since you don't care about me, then I won't care and I'll just go ahead though you won't see it coming.  (she knows I'll call 911 if she says it's imminent)

2. I hope you can live with yourself on the morning you wake up, and I don't, knowing it's your fault.  (This one cuts me so deep...I don't know how to react)