Hi and welcome!  I agree (though, I am NC by my (daughter) pwBPD's choice) it is wonderful to have people who UNDERSTAND; my husband does not even understand this nasty beast of a disease!

My understanding was that the OP was waiting for an apology from her brother, before reconnecting, rather than wanting to apologise herself (not sure about what!).

I have been several times in the same situation with my brother. The way I solved it has been pretty similar to what Notwendy is suggesting. I am personally ok with no apology, as long as there is desire to change and address the things I want to change and thre is respect for my limits. I do not need him to say "I am sorry, it's all my fault", I just need him to behave better and not abuse me.

A couple of months ago instead, I got an email with apologies out of the blue... But it was a weird email, apologising but in his own way... Two minutes later he was asking for money (which he does not need, and no idea why he asked), and when I refused he lashed out and was the usual shenanigans. I still have his "heartfelt" apology written if I want to go and have a read, but it serves no purpose. What I wanted was for him not to go back to do the same things over and over again if I did not do what he wanted.

Hello everyone,

I would like to tell you about my 3.5-year relationship with my partner, who was diagnosed with BPD/NPD about 2 years ago and quarterly drinking as a comorbidity, and ask you what you think. He: m53, me: w45

We met three and a half years ago when he lived only 10 minutes away from where I lived. A few weeks after we met, he lost his job and, in a rash decision, moved 50 kilometres away.

 From then on, we had a long-distance relationship for two years. I travelled by train to visit him on weekends and at least once a week during the week. For almost the entire two years, he refused to come here because he might meet people from his ‘former’ life. This was very difficult for me because I had a 10-year-old son from a previous relationship, whom my partner was also afraid of because my son rejected him at first.


For about three and a half years, I was in a close, emotionally intense relationship with my partner. The relationship was characterised by a strong bond and a high level of personal commitment on my part, but at the same time by recurring dysfunctional patterns on his part, which became more pronounced rather than resolved over time.

 I tried for a long time to bring stability into his life through reliability, care, understanding, organisation, and emotional presence. At the same time, I developed increasingly clear boundaries over the course of the relationship after realising that my previous behaviour had strong co-dependent traits and was increasingly damaging to myself. ---

Central relationship and escalation pattern (cyclical):
Over the years, a recurring pattern emerged, often at similar intervals:

 1. Phase of relative stability/idealisation. He appears motivated, euphoric, sometimes manic. Extreme level of activity: excessive training, many projects at the same time, language course, driving licence, career fantasies.  Highly exaggerated fantasies about the future and himself (carrier, wealth, large house, special significance). I am needed as an important reference person, sometimes idealised.

Breakdown/dysregulation:
 Reality, boundaries or frustrations (e.g. my boundaries, external obstacles) cause these fantasies to collapse. When drunk, he often describes feelings of failure, shame and inner emptiness to me retrospectively for such phases. Increasing irritability, withdrawal, fatigue, listlessness.
Externalisation & devaluation: Responsibility is shifted to the outside world, especially to me. Accusations: that I am cold, controlling, not empathetic, not loving, not connected, not loyal enough. My boundaries or my withdrawal (as self-protection) are presented as the actual cause of the crisis.

Escalation / breaking off contact:
Massive emotional attacks, sometimes also physical transgressions. Frequent break-ups (‘it's over’, ‘we have nothing’, ‘we are drifting apart’).  This is often followed by silence for days or weeks.  In the past, this was usually followed by a return – but recently, there has been increasing hardening of attitudes.

Alcohol as an amplifier Alcohol plays a central, destabilising role:
repeated heavy alcohol consumption in stressful situations. When intoxicated: aggressive accusations, insults (‘pea brain’, ‘slut’),  excessive contact, night-time phone calls, revisiting old conflicts, physical assaults on me (bruises), blackouts, unconsciousness, suicidal thoughts, extreme swings between self-aggrandisement and self-deprecation (‘I am an insect’). 
Even when sober, there were escalations (vandalising my flat, throwing things, pushing pets away).

Afterwards, he did not take responsibility, but instead relativised or reversed the blame (‘You were evil,’ ‘I wanted to prevent your meltdown’). ---

Responsibility & care – asymmetrical:
He expects comprehensive care from me, especially when he is ill. When I was ill or weakened myself (migraine, gastrointestinal problems), he reacted with disparagement, coldness and withdrawal. My ‘not being immediately available’ was regularly interpreted as a withdrawal of love or proof of a lack of connection. ---

Emotional abuse dynamics:
Subtle and overt forms of emotional abuse were evident:
Gaslighting: Questioning my perception despite chat evidence.
Blame reversal: His boundary violations are redefined as my ‘anger problem.’
Mixed messages: Closeness and devaluation at the same time.
Implicit punishment: Silence, blocking, breaking off contact when boundaries are set. Division: I am either idealised or ‘painted black’ depending on my inner state.

These dynamics led to the following for me:

Severe inner tension, fear of reactions, physical stress symptoms, increasing self-censorship, withdrawal as a form of self-protection.

--- For a better understanding: His family of origin & regression:
Highly ambivalent relationship with his parents, father highly narcissistic, mother co-dependent and still uses my partner for her own emotional regulation, he tries to protect her. Idealisation of his mother coupled with anger and dependence. Repeated role assignment towards me (‘You're like my mum’), only to then suddenly say: ‘You're never as loyal as my mother. Nobody loves me like my mother.’ Expectation of unconditional empathy and loyalty. In family contexts, strong regression, increased risk of alcohol abuse, hardly any ability to set boundaries.

Fantasies & breakdowns:
Excessive fantasies serve as a means of regulating self-esteem.  When they do not come to fruition, the result is not ‘normal frustration’ but an existential collapse, in 99.9% of cases followed by alcohol consumption to the point of unconsciousness (sometimes for up to four weeks). The collapse of the fantasy feels like a loss of identity to him.  During these phases, the risk of alcohol abuse, devaluation and loss of contact increases massively. ---

My role & development:

In the early years, strongly co-dependent behaviour:

Constant availability (even at night), ongoing emotional regulation, organisation of authorities, doctors, paperwork, financial support, long journeys (50 km, sometimes 2 hours each way). Nevertheless, it was never enough. A single ‘no’ or delayed help was enough to cause an escalation. Later, a conscious development towards clarity, boundaries and self-protection.  It was precisely this development that was increasingly perceived as a threat. ---

 Current situation (as of 10 days since contact was broken off): 
Last contact broken off after escalation around New Year's Eve (alcohol, boundary violation). Silence since then.  At the same time, activity on his part on Facebook – also a pattern in such situations:

Selfies, a staged ‘perfect world’, portraying herself as single,  previous transgressions with other women online. Facebook acts as a stage for self-esteem regulation and defence against shame.  Her silence towards me seems like dissociation + self-protection, not like a mature decision.

It's such a long story... I hope this overview has given you a rough idea of how the relationship works.

Since this pattern is cyclical, when things are going well, the relationship is ‘over’ from his point of view after three months. Because that's when he inevitably has another breakdown and takes his frustration out on me. Always. Even if the trigger was, for example, an unsuccessful job application. Or contact with his father, etc.

My question now is: does anyone else know that every conflict inevitably leads to the partner with BPD immediately declaring the relationship over? In the 3.5 years, it was ALWAYS ‘over’ after three months at the latest.

In addition, I increasingly have the impression that my distancing and self-protection are causing him to feel more and more ashamed and making it increasingly difficult for him to get close to me again.

A quick note: he has been in therapy on and off for 1.5 years. He does not accept the BPD/NPD diagnosis. He believes he has post-traumatic bitterness disorder. That's not a bad thing in itself, but I don't know if it will really help in the long run.

I would be very grateful for your thoughts on this and thank you in advance for your time and for reading.

P.S. He has been living nearby again for several months now – we are only a 10-minute drive apart.

Hi - my first post. I have a 34 yo daughter recently diagnosed with BPD after many years of counselling for various issues and culminating in several suicide threats as well as depression. Like many of the contributors here, we have dug her out of so many holes financially and emotionally and given so much time and support to her. I’m 73 now and frankly tired, depressed and dispirited by it all. I’ve reached the stage that I want to move well away in fact, especially since her latest desire is to have a baby with her boyfriend of 6 months (who lives a plane ride away and can’t move in with her). Frankly, I’m horrified by this and only see more anguish down the road with worry about any child she has. Anybody been in this situation?

There's a magic phrase in the mental health world.  It's, "<The mentally ill person> is a danger to himself or others." 

You say that to the police, to someone at a hospital, to a paramedic, to a judge, to literally anyone with any ties to the government, and it is now their problem.  If they hear that phrase and do not render immediate aid, they are personally responsible.

A similar phrase is, "<Someone in the home> does not feel safe around <the BPD person>."

Police might ask why don't they feel safe, but it's a question that doesn't have to be directly answered (or can be answered with the first statement).  Or it can be answered more directly, "They're angry and unstable, I don't know what they'll do."

You mentioned that police should only be used in an emergency, but when someone is raging in your home and they're unstable, that is a mental health emergency.  Documenting it is the fastest way to getting them the help they need.

In many cases, the disordered person completely changes when the police arrive.  And you might say, what was the point if that's what happens?  Well, that was the goal to begin with, to ask them to leave without harassment or violence.  Your local police will tell you to call 10 times out of 10 in that situation.

I'd recommend you talk to someone professional, especially since there is a history of substance abuse or something like that.

I'm also going to be straight with you, as I would want someone to be if I were in your place at your age.

What you learn from this may help you for the rest of your life, and I wish it does.

Your ex has many, many problems. It's not clear to me she's been officially diagnosed with BPD, but I'm going to assume she has the disorder or something in the same cluster of personality disorders.

She is someone who clearly is lacking in impulse control. She's grafting onto whoever is in her life at any given moment she thinks gives her what she needs or wants. Her needs could be emotional or physical at the time, but they echo each other. When she gets a temporary need or want satisfied, she either has a new need or want or the people she is with are no longer interested in her.

That's when she turns to you. You are a safe harbor for her. When she reaches out to you, she's trying to get a need or want satisfied. She might need attention. She might need affirmation. She might need to feel wanted. Whatever it is, that's why she reaches out to you. When you respond in one form or another, it satisfies that need, and she's no longer interested. That's why she goes silent and bounces over to another guy or whatever.

For you to have strength, you need to see her for what she is: a manipulator. She may or may not be conscious of her actions and motivations, but that doesn't matter. They result in the same thing, which is she has a itch, you scratch it, and then she's gone on to someone else. Every time she reaches out to you, you need to understand it's less you and more what you represent she's wanting.

That doesn't mean she might not have feelings for you. I'm not trying to be cold about this nor to discount that possibility. What I'm saying is her constant pattern of communicating and then going silent shows she's relying on you solely to soothe some issue she has at the moment.

I wouldn't want to be treated that way, and I broke it off with mine and went no contact because of it. It can hurt because if you have feelings for her, you're going to naturally want her to be in your life. But her actions are selfish, and her needs and wants will be never ending. And they are not reciprocal. She is not thinking of your needs and wants. She is only thinking of hers.

That means you have to think of your needs and wants. You have to not sublimate those to help her. You have to help yourself. Start by talking about it with a therapist. Chances are, they'll tell you to go no contact with her, as that may be best for both of you.

Hi there,

I confess I have zero experience with therapy and family therapy.  However I can tell you what I think worked pretty well with my adult BPD stepdaughter.  She found a therapist whom she trusts, and she has been meeting with her regularly for years now, probably once a week when in distress and maybe twice a month thereafter.  At some critical junctures, there were some therapy sessions where her dad participated.  This happened maybe two or three times over as many years.  I wouldn't say this was "family" therapy, but rather attempts at a "reset" to improve communication.  I think these sessions were emotionally intense, where issues were aired out and put on the table, but they were ultimately valuable in helping everyone understand the pain points in an attempt to move forward, facilitated by the therapist.  My understaning is that her dad mostly listened, but by the same token, he understood better the depth and source(s) of his daughter's pain.  In addition, I think the therapist got to experience first-hand how committed (and loving and rational) her dad really was, even if he was frustrated that his daughter just couldn't see it, even if he reacted with big emotions sometimes too.

Anyway, I'm not sure if the "joint" therapy sessions were really turning points, even if they were highly emotionally charged.  I think the real work happened in the background.  First off, my bet is that the therapist could see that though the daughter-parent relationship was strained, there was love and commitment from the parent, beyond merely paying the bills for the therapy sessions.  But perhaps more importantly, my BPD stepdaughter had authorized her therapist to share information with her dad.  I'm not saying that the therapist was breaching her client's trust.  Rather, my husband has been allowed to speak with with the therapist, over email and the phone sometimes, sort of a reality check, to understand if there's imminent danger (e.g. delusions/paranoia/acting unhinged) when communication has been lacking, and to fill in critical information gaps.  When my stepdaughter seemed really unhinged, my husband felt he could call the therapist and try to understand if something was going on that he didn't know about, and he supplied some information as well (for example, she deteriorated after quitting school/her job).  Sometimes they exchange insights, always with the goal of helping my BPD stepdaughter.  My guess is that my husband clarifies the record sometimes.  I think that between the therapist's expertise with BPD, her ability to read between the lines and get clarifications from her dad from time to time, she has a pretty good sense of what is going on and what needs some work.  In summary, I'd say that the therapist sees the primary parent as a chief ally in helping her client function day-to-day, and the therapist treats him accordingly.

Having written all that, I have some loose opinions about therapy as well.  Though my stepdaughter has made a lot of progress and turned her life around, I can't help but wonder if talk therapy is really working for her right now.  I'm skeptical that "talk therapy" works with BPD at all.  My thinking is that talk therapy can help people reach a deeper understanding of themselves, get clarity, maybe seek closure/acceptance and a way fowrard.  I guess the underlying premise is that therapy can help clarify thoughts around troubling feelings.  But with BPD, I suspect that the reverse is true:  intense emotions are generating troubling thoughts (sometimes delusions), and talking more about these feelings only seems to amplify the negative thought patterns/delusions, not resolve them.  When I see my stepdaughter, I can't help but see someone who gets stuck in a mental rut.  It's like she's ruminating so much about ancient grievances that she finds it bizarrly comforting, possibly a distraction from thinking about current issues and challenges?  Talk therapy makes her revisit these unpleasant feelings, and rather than resolve them, she's reliving them, getting riled up and getting even further ensconced in her mental rut?  Sometimes I think, she should focus less on remembering and thinking deeply, and much more on action.  Moving forward.  Doing something TODAY.  Focus on TODAY, not the past, not the distant (scary) future.  Think less, do a whole lot more, get moving.  It's as if therapy itself becomes a distraction.  For example, I could ask, How was your day?  The answer would be, I had therapy--an event that consumes the mental energy of an entire day.  Whereas here I am thinking, a walk in the park, a coffee with a friend and a part-time job would do more for her mental wellbeing, if only she would prioritize action over thought, if only she would de-emphasize feeling.  Sometimes it seems like she wears therapy like a badge of honor, an identity based on pain and victimhood without really overcoming it?  Now maybe this reflects my own issues, because I'm a doer more than a talker/feeler . . . I think that feelings are mostly fleeting, but results are what matter and last . . .

No idea if that's helpful, but just a different perspective I suppose.

Around here in peer support, we call what happened a "Blamefest".  Yes, this was a new experience for the therapist (T) but she should have learned from it and in the future she should know to step in and stop the Blaming cold.


Remember, the T is more than a moderator or link, the T is the {polite but firm} Authority.  It mustn't be abdicated to your daughter or there will be no progress.

Over in the Tools & Skills workshops board we have a couple topics on Boundaries.  The fact is that some of the many hallmarks of BPD are: self-oriented perceptions, Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  So it's obvious there is extreme disrespect and outrageous blaming.

But pwBPD also resist Boundaries.  So instead we place boundaries on ourselves, for us to follow.  In essence our boundary is our response to poor behavior.  In your case, your boundary was to exit a bad scenario.  That was entirely proper.  Frankly, the T should totally understand that you need that boundary.  However, it likely will require multiple instances of exercising your proper boundary for your daughter to accept it, well, sometimes, maybe.

Also, if not mentioned before, another aspect is the Karpman Drama Triangle (also found in Tools and Skills workshops) where there is a claimed victim (daughter), perceived persecutor (you) and stuck-in-the-middle savior (therapist).

Hi PathFinder1,

Did you say that his rants of anger are never directed at you? If he is not hostile/aggressive, then this should be kind of easier to handle. You would just have to validate his feelings and slowly make him feel comfortable expressing himself in a constructive way. But to improve his self-image and self-worth, he would need professional treatment, I guess.

When you ask "how to handle this pattern," are you trying to help him or to help yourself? I mean, it's unclear if you are getting affected by this or not.

PS: my previous message got broken, so I'm resending

She has left today. Our last day together wasn't too bad. Things are going ok, as planned. Here is what she has just sent me:



This is the translation to English:

“I love you, [name], I’m with you, I’m with you.”
“<crying face><heart>”
“I love you, okay? I’m crying here.”
“Because I wanted to be there.”
“But I’m going to do everything possible to have peace here, to get better… not to lose my temper, etc.”

It seems like I won't have to worry much about enforcing boundaries now, but I'm worried about our time together. If things go well, then the next step would be to invite her to spend the weekend here at my place. But I'm afraid she could get angry with something and become disrespectful, then I'll get frustrated and not want her here anymore, and she will pick up my emotion and escalate her anger and maybe even refuse to leave. I need to find a solution for this problem.