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 91 
 on: June 21, 2026, 03:10:12 PM  
Started by Ozzie101 - Last post by Ozzie101

I wonder if your family senses something is "off" with your H, and he senses they do and so avoids them? Have they said anything about him to you? I don't know if it's a good idea to discuss this with them. It would not have gone well in my family and if BPD mother found out, it would have been a crisis, so I wouldn't in my situation.



I really don't know if they sense anything or not. Most of them are also very shy, introverted people (H often refuses to believe that, but he's seeing them when they're in their "comfort zone"), so they understand shyness and awkwardness. They do know that he and I have had problems in the past. But other than telling them things had gotten much better several years ago, we haven't discussed it.

They haven't said anything to me and, really, I'm hesitant to ask. Honestly, I'd rather not know. If they did have a problem with him, my situation would feel even more awkward. I probably wouldn't want to take him to things and if I were to tell him I didn't want him to come, that would just create so much more drama. As it is, they speak to him when he's there, ask about him when he's not, and while it's not close, it's at least polite. If I were to ask him, their answer to me would probably be a perplexed, "We don't even really know him. Why would we have strong feelings about him?"

He's got it set in his head that my family wishes I were with someone else. Given his reactions to things and the things he says, I really feel like it's rooted in insecurity - some of it because he desperately wants my family's approval (while also finding fault in everything they do) and some of it because of his own family history.

 92 
 on: June 21, 2026, 02:15:41 PM  
Started by Ozzie101 - Last post by Notwendy
That makes sense. With my BPD mother, the issues were with people she felt would be a perceived threat to her. One of her fears were that people would talk about her to my Dad- that they were "on" to her, even if they wouldn't do that. She was most comfortable with people who only saw her social persona.

I was too young to know what my father's family thought and also they didn't speak about my mother. However, after my father passed away, a relative did answer some questions I had. I learned that they were "on to" BPD mother from the get go. They could tell something was "off" about her. They did stay quiet about it, which was good. She didn't like them.

I assumed her family knew more about her but her sibling is much younger and so wouldn't know that. The impression her remaining family thought was that my parents were snobbing them, rather than know that BPD mother was disregulated.

So, extended family may sense something is off but not really know, and then make wrong assumptions, like your H is making wrong assumptions about them. A danger is that, if BPD mother found out she was being talked about, if anyone seemed aware of her issues, they were split "black" and she'd have nothing to do with them.

I wonder if your family senses something is "off" with your H, and he senses they do and so avoids them? Have they said anything about him to you? I don't know if it's a good idea to discuss this with them. It would not have gone well in my family and if BPD mother found out, it would have been a crisis, so I wouldn't in my situation.


 93 
 on: June 21, 2026, 01:49:03 PM  
Started by Ozzie101 - Last post by Ozzie101
This may be just a wild guess (and we here can't know for sure) but do you think your H may be on the spectrum? High functioning people on the spectrum can be shy and introverted, and have anxiety in social situations. Some of the behaviors are similar to BPD- people in the spectrum can have anxiety, "mask" in social situations, and have a need for routine, similar to OCD, and focused interests. They can also have anger outbursts when feeling overwhelmed. If he's been diagnosed as BPD I could be way off with this, but reading your posts about him having discomfort and sensory overload with your large family and the statement he "had enough people time"- I wondered.

While BPD mother didn't like my father's family, her social persona was charming and socially savvy. She could be manipulative and also lie to get her needs met, something not usual to someone on the spectrum. Still, she would often back out of social situations at times, and then at other times, seem to want to socialize.

I suppose it's possible to have some of both BPD and ASD- ASD isn't a PD but people are complicated. The reason I brought up the idea is your H's anxiety about being around your family and him being introverted and shy. For ASD, it's more about social difficulty than BPD thinking.

That's a really interesting suggestion. I kind of doubt it, because social anxiety is the only symptom he seems to have. Honestly, I have more ASD symptoms than he has, as I can be big on routine and get hyper-focused on interests. He's most definitely not either of those.

In his case, it really seems to be more social anxiety -- particularly when it comes to my family. He's shy in most social settings, but has a good time with friends and is able to be charming with coworkers and clients. With my family, it's like he shuts down.

 94 
 on: June 21, 2026, 01:21:49 PM  
Started by JsMom - Last post by JsMom
Thank you CC43 and NotWendy,
Both of your replies have been good for me.  I will be rereading them. I know my thinking is off in in the area concerning my oldest son. Yes, there has been many years of reckless and dangerous choices that color my thinking  now. The truth is, the older he has gotten, the more responsible and less reckless he's become. I don't comment to him about my fears, or bring up his bills, or eating or sleeping.  He's sensitive and can probably pick up on my concern though. I do let him know how proud I am of him for what he's accomplished. I'm glad you shared about the sleeping and eating CC. My guess is you didn't bring them up to others looking for sympathy. 
What I've shared with you all is my internal work and perception that I'm working on being more healthy.  I value healthy perspectives. 

 95 
 on: June 21, 2026, 12:56:29 PM  
Started by JsMom - Last post by Notwendy
I think this is a boundary issue. I know it's hard to step back, because he does have issues but - he is an adult and he is legally competent- in the sense that he is responsible for making his own decisions, in the legal sense. This means he can choose what information to share and what not to share.

For boundaries- one is his body. He's responsible for what he eats, whether or not he sleeps, his medical decisions. Nobody besides him has the right to that information or to decide for him.

The other is his job, his money, his studies. For example- in the US, a parent can not get any academic information from the college without their child's consent, even if the parents are paying tuition. After college, parents don't have access to an adult child's employment situation or their financial information.

I had a similar situation when my parents got older- and the relationship shifts to where they might lean more on adult children. Still they remained legally competent to make decisions for themselves. BPD mother chose to keep her finances private from us.

BPD mother didn't eat right but when it got to being a medical need for her in her elder years, she agreed to take the nutrition drinks as supplements. She mismanaged her money until it got to the point where she couldn't do that. I tried to intervene- even consulting social services and an attorney and the reponse was- "your parents are legally competent to make their own decisions (even the ones we think are bad ones)" and their business only. I know you are worried about your son, and I was worried about my parents but they had the legal right to their own autonomy. Your son does too.

So you aren't doing anything wrong by pulling back and not knowing so much. It's the natural boundary with an adult child and other adult family members. You can redirect your focus now to your own needs. You don't need to state this boundary, in fact, better to not say it at all. When you are speaking to him, ask less about his personal business. If he calls to overshare- respond with affirming statements. "I understand your stress over this but I trust in your ability to handle it" (even if you fear he can't) rather than trying to fix the issue.


 96 
 on: June 21, 2026, 11:56:58 AM  
Started by JsMom - Last post by CC43
Hi there,

I think that moms are programmed to worry about their kids . . . it's like your caring goes into overdrive.  As kids grow up, you're always on the lookout for danger and try to steer them away from harm.  But honestly, I think that kids learn best from making mistakes . . . provided that they are mistakes that are age-appropriate.

As for your middle-aged son, I think he's old enough to handle his schedule, bills and activities calendar.  In reading your post, you say you're concerned that your son hasn't slept or eaten well.  While I understand you're concerned, I think you should keep it to yourself.  I can attest that when I was working, it was not uncommon for me to get by on two or three hours of sleep from time to time, because I was busy!  And sometimes I didn't eat as well as I should have.  But I learned that for me, skipping a meal is too hard on my system, which is why I snacks on hand (such as apples and nuts).  As for lacking sleep, I made a point to try to catch up on weekends.  My routine is to deal with mail once per week, on Sunday late afternoons, because processing mail every day seems inefficient and burdensome for me.  But I'll tell you, absolutely nobody cares about this routine except for me.  My schedule works (more or less) for me.  I'd say, trust your son to handle it.

I imagine that for you, it's not so much an issue about knowing too much, but rather one of making negative assumptions about your son's capabilities.  Of course, your son probably has a long track record of dysfunction to substantiate your concerns.  Yet sometimes I think, you might be projecting your worries too much, and your son might be absorbing them.  Basically, you assume he's going to have trouble, and he might detect that.  It could become a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Your son might think, well Mom thinks I'm incapable, so might as well believe her.  He starts to doubt himself, and he goes downhill from there.

I would suggest that you try a mind-shift.  You assume that your son is doing OK.  It sounds to me like he is--he's working, he's studying, he has housing.  Maybe his priorities aren't exactly the same as yours, and maybe his pace of life isn't what you'd prefer.  But just assume it's working for him.  It sounds to me like it is.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.

I know, you're thinking, he might falter, he might regress.  I'll tell you, that's almost a certainty!  He's going to falter, he's going to make mistakes.  The thing is though, real progress will be seeing him handle his problems on his own.  He'll get off track, but he'll recover and get back on track sooner and better than he did before.  That's what I'd be looking for if I were in your shoes.  And then I'd lay on the praise:  I'm really proud of you for overcoming that obstacle, you're actually doing great.  That's a much more positive narrative.

I probably wrote earlier that my mantra is, It's not time to worry yet.  I invoke that mantra when I'm thinking about possible outcomes, but then realize that I'm being too negative because nothing bad has even happened yet.

 97 
 on: June 21, 2026, 10:55:14 AM  
Started by Snoopy737 - Last post by Notwendy
Another aspect was a need for control. If she wanted help- it had to be done the way she wanted it. So, if it was sorting out some things for her- she needed to be there to discuss and manage each item. A task that might take 20 minutes would take hours in this process.

We would visit and BPD mother would say she wanted us to come help her with some tasks. But when we got there- she'd change her mind, say she didn't feel up to it, and little got done.

I think another aspect of this may have been fear of abandonment. If she didn't need tasks done, if we completed them, or if we had the sentimental items we wanted- would we still visit?

That is not the reason we visted. I didn't want her to think we were only visiting to get things and made a point of saying "we are here to see you, not to get anything". If she offered to let us go through her things and see what we wanted, I refused to even look at them.

I also wonder if the things in the house represented some security for her? Like for your mother, the idea of someone coming into the house and taking her carpet has another emotional meaning? Or just the fact that if they are there doing that, she would feel out of control.


 98 
 on: June 21, 2026, 10:25:34 AM  
Started by Snoopy737 - Last post by Notwendy

is this reaction where a person wants help, acts helpless and when people finally offer to help that person has so many requirements and then the person pulls the handbrake everytime we're rolling just a tiny bit, is that in any way, shape or form connected to BPD, or is it just another trait that just deflates my energy to help?

All best and thanks Smiling (click to insert in post)

I don't know if it's with all pwBPD but it was like this with my elderly BPD mother.

I think one reason they resist the help with a problem is due to their feeling like a victim. If the problem were solved, then they'd not be one. But if the problem was solved, sometimes she'd find something I did or didn't do that upset her.

I agree- it's demoralizing. I had boundaries but I did want to be of help to my mother, but it seemed that even when I did do something to help- she'd sabotage it or change her mind.

One long term one was her being upset about things in the house. I had some items from college still there. She complained about them, so I took them out of the house. As I was walking to my car, she ran after me yelling at me to not take anything out of her house.

After my father passed away, she mentioned wanting to downsize and again, was upset about all the things in her house. I offered to take them, some were of sentimental value, but each time I offered, she refused to let me have them.

I offered to rent a truck and a storage unit and take what she didn't want. But each time I went in my car, she changed her mind, so I decided I didn't want to go through renting a truck and having her do that again.

Meanwhile she would say she wanted to downsize but nobody will help her do that.


 99 
 on: June 21, 2026, 08:51:47 AM  
Started by Snoopy737 - Last post by Snoopy737
Hiya, Elderly mom, not diagnosed, but in several posts back in time, it sounds much like it.

I'm her son. She's alone, and I have done lots for her, since my dad died.  Now she's very appealing about the old carpet in the living room she want changed.

Normally I help only so much, that she can have succes with the project, bc she has huge standards especially around home decorations, and the same time, at the same time  she's acting very appealing and helpless, so I have to question her into how she want the process.

Actually, I couldn't care less how the process is run and by whom, so I just try to remember what she says she want and don't want and then make a plan from that.

The living room wall-to-wall carpet is 40 yo and it gives her lots of allergies, because 40 years of dust lies deep within it. That's fair enough. Now I have interviewed her about what carpet she want and I found out who she want to buy it from, and I've promised to drop by the days the carpet guys are visiting. That's ok by me too.

But when we're going to set an exact date to start this project, she takes a very negative attitude, and when I suggest a month, it couldn't have been worse for her.

She's in her late 80s and has nothing she has to do. Every day is an empty retirement day for her. But when I suggest a date, she always wanna postpone it. if we talk about it at fall, it can't be done before Christmas, after New Year it has to be in the spring, and now in the summer I suggested doing it: remove the furniture for her together with the carpet-people and kind of getting it over with, so she doesn't have to go through the summer thinking so much about it. And she does. She sees everything that could possible go wrong. So after finally sketching a carpet-change-plan with her, she reacts like I'm pressing her into something she absolutely don't want. And I mean, it was her idea alone.

So now the new carpet is postponed to late summer or fall, not the best time, because at summer we can move some of the furniture out door, while the guys put on the carpet. but no.

She does this with everything that has to planned, and where I as her son of cource wanna help her out. So I kind of have to progress every plan in micros steps, hoping that she don't reach her limit, where she want the project postponed or halted.  I already can see the circus when summer gives place to fall, bc that's when she wants a new telly. And that could take some time to learn all the new menues in a new smart TV, where she's used to a year 2000 telly.

is this reaction connected to BPD:  where a person wants help, acts helpless and when people finally offer to help that person has so many requirements and pulls the handbrake everytime we're rolling just a tiny bit? Is that in any way, shape or form connected to BPD, or is it just another trait that just deflates my energy every time I wanna help her?

I'll just mention that I don't do everything she wants in her old house. I did that for years, but now I ask her in a nice way if she can book a local electrician, carpenter, gardener etc.  But she is 88 and is becoming a little scared of having new people in her home, and I can understand that part, when your elderly and can't walk proporly.

All best and thanks Smiling (click to insert in post)

 100 
 on: June 21, 2026, 08:47:13 AM  
Started by Foolingmyself - Last post by Foolingmyself
Thank you for your advice. It is helpful to read these supportive comments.

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