Your wife is not a bad person- she's sick.  That's the realization we all eventually come to 12 months, 18 months, 36 months later.  But there's a lot of gut-wrenching emotions before you get there; it's a process andthat's where you'll end up eventually as well. 

She does what she does because she's sick and unstable.  It's heartbreaking for everyone involved and there's no winners or losers.  Everyone loses in divorce.  I hope something changes and the relationship can be saved.  The odds are against that, but still, I always root for the happy ending for the kids sakes.  You absolutely have to put yourself first though and the kids will adjust as you adjust.

Your wife can still come around and make real efforts, but you'll have to let this play out.  Try not to lash out in retaliation, try to show compassion whenever possible.  Trust me, it helps regardless of the path forward.  I divorced without lawyers and remained in our home until it sold.  That's super uncommon, but it is possible if you can find a way to communicate on the other side of all the disordered stuff.  Again, it takes time and it's a process.

Just remember what I've kept repeating- she's sick and the mental hammer is unforgiving.  I feel for her just like I feel for my ex.  I'm glad you're making more permanent arrangements though and taking control.  It seems like you're walking away, but that's not entirely true.  In reality, you're trying to end the conflict and that's where restoration can start.  It also happens to be the first step in divorce as well.

Hang in there, I know it's unbearable but time is on your side.

Another 12 or so days and here we are. Things are... just as volatile as before. I'm also oscillating between a deep desire to repair and an acceptance that the boundary I've placed for myself is a hard conditional parameter: I will not be the one to make the first effort to repair this. That's been my cycle. Three times before this, that's been my cycle. And I'm met with a month or two of tranquility in the honeymoon phase before we're topsy turvy again.

I've had time to observe a few things:
1. My nerves are so, so frayed. From years of this.
2. The more time I spend apart, the more my soul feels like it's flickering back to life... even tho it's very sad.
3. Push/Pull and Black/White ideology is on full display. I hate you, don't leave me: my god, it's really that!
4. The anger / lashing out... how did I put up with this so long? Today during a spiral (I engaged) I picked up the phone and called her. I've told her "I will not text, I will talk." It stops her cycle of texting. She tells me to block her; she wants me to block her. I won't. Just don't lash out. I'm told, "you have to remember I have borderline, I'm going to push you away before you have a chance to do that to me!" I just responded "don't you see where that places me?
5. I'm a narcissist. Her DBT therapist could show me all the ways I've destroyed her, absolutely. My therapy group is where I go to hide and lie about who I am, and trash her and her name and her existence.
6. I'm emotionless. I laugh and smile everywhere in my life save around her; I've become so small. So, she's right: she sees so little emotion from me because that's how I've tried to protect my spirit.

I found an apartment. I'm going to move in a day or two. My oldest son asked me last night, "How do you feel, having to get an apartment when you just bought this house?" I was honest with him. "Sad. Unhappy. My ego is hurt. But that's what therapy is for." He nodded. He's a good kid, turns 18 soon.

Last week I wrote up an agreement that would guide our separation towards divorce. It outlined my intentions for house, for bill splitting, and for elements of property split that have to be discussed. She was furious: "you side swiped me!" "I'm not signing this garbage!" "I'm getting a mediator!" Because mediators love handling contested divorces... The first mediator told her that what we're trying to do (divorce without selling the house right now, etc) doesn't happen.

She can't afford the house on her own. I can afford it on my own. I'm going to let them live there for the next 12 months, or until divorce forces this forward. It's my son's senior year, we just moved in... the last thing he needs is to uproot. My other son's freshman year. Ethically, I can't do that to them.

And then the cats. She hates the cats. She calls me a narcissist because I'll apologize for a hairball but not "for breaking her heart, repeatedly." Yet every apology I make is forgotten almost immediately. "Get rid of these cats!" She wanted the cats. Then she didn't. Because the cats don't cater to a human's desires.

So I found a place for myself and the cats. It's in the school district where our oldest goes. I'm near the house but far enough away. After our argument this morning I was told to sleep at the office again. I decided this would be the last time she has that power over me. I went home and packed up all my clothes. All of my things that I'd be taking with me. I packed them up and put them in my car, and now they're stored at my studio until I move in to my new place.

I need peace. I'm tired. I can't be the one to fix this; I need to hear: "I ________ed up, I blew this out of proportion, I did a lot of this wrong, I don't want a divorce."

But what I hear is a vague hint of "I did these things wrong to you" and I'm supposed to infer that she's secretly wanting me to tell her I won't leave.

Sorry, borderline. You don't get to be an excuse this time. The ship is leaving port. There are consequences to words and actions. I'm not black and white. I'm just trying to find that "wise mind" equilibrium.

Somewhere over the horizon I'll just be another story of "the worst," "the most narcissistic" and "an absolute waste of her life." Just like all the others ones were.

I don't leave a trail of bodies behind me. And my support group isn't even mad at her; they're just focused on how I'm doing. Moving to a restorative place.

Thank you all so much for being a sounding board. I have a lot of weeks left of therapy, of thinking, and of trying to figure out where all the holes in my body and brain are.

I have been NC with my sibling for over a year now, apart from the occasional toxic email. He lives with my mum, but now she really has had enough and she has been trying for the past year to have him move out.

Of course he refuses to leave, and says I have a "deal" with him that he can stay until our mum dies. Of course I never said anything remotely similar. Usually, I can understand the thing we discussed from which he twists reality to fit what he says, but in this case I really have no idea what he refers to.

My mum initially thought that kicking him out would have been easy, but I told her she could not just kick him out under the law of the country they live in, as he's resident at that address. Now, she has asked for help to social services and lawyers, and they basically told her she needs to have in writing a well documented case that she gave him notice etc.

Unfortunately, the house in which they live is now technically mine, after our dad passed away last year. My mum has right of residence until she's alive, but the lawyers think it would help a lot to have my involvement as the owner.

Now, I am sooo happy that I managed to finally run away from the toxic relationships between them, the triangulations etc. It seems to me that this is going to get me sucked in again. They say I ideally should send a conciliatory email asking for his opinion on the difficult cohabitation, asking if he still plans to leave etc etc. I really object to that, I know this would be useless and lead to a stream of emails and accusations.

AT the same time, I understand my mum and think it would really be time for him to leave, but if I say that I don't want to be triangulated in their relationship, it has to work both ways, if you see what I mean. I am wondering whether I should ask if me delegating my mum for this sort of decisions "officially" might work as well...

In the meantime, he just sent a kilometric email, demanding to have the ownership of the house in exchange for moving out... Yes, sure...

Hi, I'm back after a break here. Now moving to this "bettering" category.

We've had a third child, a girl (such a great child ). Pregnancy was a break from certain topics and fighting was less frequent and more about household issues. I knew it was temporary, I never doubted it. Now back to sexuality related topics. I am a 100 % bad person due to my actions in relation to those topics.


Now I have been more submissive the last two years and I have tried to avoid conflict by trying to do everything right, and still it's as bad as two years ago.
I think it made me a worse parent. I get irritated easily and sometimes I have trouble feeling good around them. And I have little time for them because I'm busy with my wife's requests or discussions with her.

I don't know if there's a question here, but maybe you can ask questions of me? A big problem now is a feel mute, like I have nothing to say. But I feel like a mess. And I miss being a present dad. Worried about how my boys are doing (10 and 6 years old now).

How do I talk to them about my wife's anger. "I know mom is always angry at me, I'm sorry, it must be tough for you" - "Why is she angry?", and it stops there...

Meant to say "My sister and I had different temperaments and different family roles and treatment."

One thing that has helped me is reframing what happened with the BPD person as an interaction, not a relationship. A relationship requires genuine awareness and participation on both sides. It requires that the other person be capable of sincerity in a real, material sense - that they have the capacity to say something, mean it and act in a way that is commensurate to that meaning.

When you say that you 'super loved this man' - your feelings and actions of love and care were real. However, the person you thought you were directing them towards was not. You said it yourself - the beautiful qualities and the ugly, destructive qualities come from the same person. Not the caring person you thought you knew, but an empty spinning void of need, abandonment terror and mirroring which masqueraded as love during the good times. It's frightening.

It sounds like you have a lot of cognitive insight into this process but it's taking your feelings a while to catch up. I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound thoughtful and caring, and you're dealing with this very bravely. I hope the struggle eases for you soon.

Hi Rosalina,

Pook sums it up perfectly, all I can do is add my total agreement and tell you to stay strong and see 'the whole picture' of your past relationship and how toxic it was for you.  We all remember the good times - and how fantastically good they could be - but don't let these times draw you back in with the 'it might be different this time' thoughts - because it won't.

It seems you've already realised this so all you can do is live your own life and let time heal. Three months isn't too long to be free from any relationship, let alone an intense BPD one and things are bound to still be fresh in your mind.

You hopefully also see how clearer your life is now without the constant conflict, and your mental and physical state will also have improved - I remember how relieved I was after I stopped seeing my exBPD and how good it was just to be able to go out and not have to walk on eggshells every second for fear of a meltdown. It was no life, even with the rare good moments.

Stay strong and positive. You had a life before your exBPD and you'll have a life again, Good things happen when you least expect them.

Hi Rosalina.  You're right, three months is such a short period of time.  I thought I was over my ex after three months as well, but I still held onto hope for an additional two years or so past that.  And I thought about what she did at the end for maybe another year after that.  So for me, all in all, it took around 3 years to be fully over the relationship and at peace with it.

Why's it so hard?  Because when BPDs love, they give everything they have...they're all-in.  The average person can't love like that because they're more reserved and careful, they don't wear their feelings on their sleeve.  When my ex and I first started dating, oh gosh, it was truly magical.  That's part of the disorder too though- trusting too much, giving everything to the relationship.  The magic came from the sickness just like the heartbreak did.

Today I can look at my ex and remember the good with a smile, and also remember the bad without judging her.  She was sick, plain and simple, and I couldn't see it until it was impossible to avoid.  Looking back, I saw all the signs very early on and I clearly knew something was off.  I don't regret it though and I can say that I still love her.  But I'm also very glad that we're not together anymore and in that cycle of chaos.

Three months is just a blip...this takes time and that's completely normal.  It seems like for a lot of us, the realizations came in waves.  We'd heal from one part, then something else would suddenly appear in our minds and we'd have to struggle with it for awhile.  Eventually though, you will get there and you will love again.

Let me tell you quickly about my current wife.  She was very careful and reserved at first.  But once the relationship blossomed, she was all in just like my ex.  The difference is that my current wife is not mentally ill and she loves me in a healthy, balanced way.  I do the same right back at her and life is just easy, it just works so smoothly because we're always looking out for one another.  I did not have that before and I am so thankful- this real, two-way relationship is 1,000x better.

I shared that to say that there is a better relationship out there for you once you are ready. 

Hi lovely people, I have posted on here a few times before, and this site has been so completely helpful to me. So first, thank you. Second, I am three months post-breakup. It has taken me a while to recognize that this isn't that long - three months. I saw my ex today as he had to pick up some stuff from my house (clothing). It was the briefest of exchanges. Literally less than a minute. He looked good, handsome, the side of him that has that caring voice. It ignited all that old longing. I literally collapsed crying on the floor after that encounter. It brought back all the good memories - all the fun times - there were so many! I actually loved him.

In some ways, this is good to know about my capacity - I am capable of love, of showing up with love and care. The hard part was that this brief encounter encapsulated so much of the larger relationship pattern - there and gone again abruptly, without apparent demonstration of care.

The idealize - devalue cycle in the relationship was so so hard. He would "break up" by telling me horrible things about myself, and then this would die down, and he would come back apologetic and soft, and I would go back. With some belief that it would be different (thank you people in this forum for helping me see not to put hope in that belief). I learned to accept that this person is someone who is both all of those beautiful qualities AND the very difficult qualities that cause relational harm. That one comes with the other.

I do want to know from others - this process of getting over the heartbreak is so hard - how have you done this?

I super loved this man. I absolutely opened my heart. I have done alot of work to understand my own relational patterns that brought me to this relationship, and have been rebuilding my own sense of self-worth, lovableness and self-care because of this relationship. I believe now I need to be no contact because I am too raw to have any contact at this time. The wounds get reopened so quickly, and the pain comes back. There is no practical reason to be in contact so I can do this.

I think I need to also say what the pains specifically were - because I am sure I gaslight myself into thinking I am silly or a fool for being in this relationship. He would go on drinking binges for a week and not do anything about this addiction. He would focus on how I interrupted him a few times, and made this the reason to breakup. He called me "the angriest person" he ever met and that he wanted to kill himself being with me (he remained safe - just as an FYI). He would abruptly leave for a week or two, often without warning. He would say I was abusive (I wasn't) and that the"performance standards for the relationship" were ridiculous. He would say I put sexual pressure on him if I asked if he was wanting to be intimate. If I didn't ask I was also putting pressure on him. (that was a huge no win situation). He told me that he has been harbouring feelings of contempt for such a long time - that this made me question everything we did where he said the exact opposite. Obviously there is more, but one cannot write down all the venomous things that were said or done!

Anyways, I am grateful for this community and any responses.

When I was in high school, I began Spanish classes.  By the end of the second year I was the best in verb conjugation and all the other students suffered since the teacher graded on a curve based on the highest score.  But - I never spoke it like a native.  I've always had to translate in my head.

One possible reason is that research has indicated that learning languages is best accomplished while young, something happens to many youths about age 10 where the brain becomes less flexible.  So if I had tried to take Spanish lasses in elementary school I suspect my "speaking like a native" might have been possible.

I wrote this to explain this general concept... I suspect many children would learn better and deeper with early exposure and practice.  That your partner discouraged you from teaching your niece to cultivate a musical skill was not just frustrating to you, it was also a disservice to your niece.

The sad thing is that this is not a one time incident.  As long as she is resistant to therapy and mutual cooperation, this will be a recurring thread in your life and your children's lives.  Firm boundaries on your part will help, but it will be difficult to accomplish over the years.