Welcome to our peer support network.  And yes, we wish the reason to visit was a more positive one.  You will find we have a wealth of hard-won collective wisdom accumulated over many years.

Many here never learned of a diagnosis, so we have to make our own observations and conclusions.  You've struggled for nearly 5 years with your girlfriend but with little or no progress.  You would have to admit she has major behavioral issues.

As Maya Angelou wrote, "When people show you who they are, believe them."

BPD is a disorder known to be very resistant to those closest to them (partners included).  It is due to deep emotional connection which is so triggering to them.  So my question is whether she is in therapy?  When there is progress, it is with people who have no emotional relationship with them.  The problem is that BPD traits usually include extreme Volatility, Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

So a better future would include her being in regular meaningful therapy sessions, applying the mindfulness approaches in her daily life and perceptions.

On a more practical note, don't worry too much about this, and don't try too hard to defend yourself. It is practically a rite of passage for disordered people to make things up at the end of the relationship, accusing their loving ex-partners of all kinds of nonsense. They can be extremely convincing, too. I believed some things uBPDx said about his former partner which in hindsight, seem unlikely to be fair or true.

If you behave consistently and with integrity it will become clear to those closest to you that the lies are, well, lies. And as for the others, well, let them talk. 

I notice that you ask a lot of rhetorical questions regarding the behaviour of people around you:


Sadly, in my experience, most people aren't very brave. They find it easier not to confront brazen hypocrisy and chaos, as exhibited by disordered people and their enablers. Society does not make it easy for people to be brave - we aren't taught or supported in this. It is not a reflection of your value as a person.

Can you surround yourself with one or two trusted people who you can rely on at this time? What can you do to give compassion, respect and dignity to yourself? You shouldn't have to solve this problem on your own, but the more you can retain your own centre of gravity, the less you'll be disappointed when other people don't back you the way they maybe should.

Hi punkertron,

Sadly, many of us can imagine your situation all too well. As you say, it is devastating and disorienting. The post breakup transformation to a seemingly completely different person, with relationships, preferences, values - everything that constituted the person who you thought you knew turned upside down. You've expressed it here so powerfully, and I for one certainly relate.


Not everyone has the capacity to love and support another person, to enter into a genuine partnership with another person. You should feel proud that you do, and did.

I was devastated when the person I thought was a loving partner dedicated to our shared values and shared life together - and who I had supported personally and financially through multiple mental health crises and other issues - cheated on me with a mutual friend, tried to gaslight me, kicked me out of our shared home, financially mistreated me, unaccountably spent funds that had been allocated for charitable purposes, handed over some of my belongings to the control of his affair partner, and through carelessness, caused the loss of the ashes of my beloved childhood pet (!).

It was not a good experience.

Less than a year later, I am living a very different life - freer and more fulfilled. I could never have experienced this with uBPDx-partner in tow. Sometimes I am exhilarated, overwhelmed even, by how much joy and experience this world contains. The intelligence and clarity with which you write leads me to believe this might be in store for you, as well.

My girlfriend has what I believe is undiagnosed bpd. Four and a half years and we can’t last more than three days without her either running away out of the blue, based upon a feeling she has that is never wrong, or having a terrible argument. We can’t live together because when we tried she suffered from disassociation, strong  feelings that paint me as a demon, that are always right, continual criticising or judging me. I notice the patterns. Normally it’s after we have had a fun time together. Either during or straight after. We get on so well in so many ways but it’s impossible to have a relationship with her. I try and try. She never or rarely admits responsibility or apologises. She has written the most horrific emails to me. I’d call them evil. Some have made me sick. And not sleep. So evil. One small argument over something I did wrong or hadn’t done or said incorrectly , or looked the wrong way at another woman,  she is off. Sending me messages then about how we can’t be together. How I always blame her. Which I often do because I can’t for the life of me work out what I have done. Then I’m always apologising. When I don’t agree with her on whatever the topic I’m evil. If I show too much love and attention I’m suffocating her. If I don’t contact her after she has blocked me and  told me I am evil, I apparently don’t care about her. If I stand up for myself I’m inconsiderate and am always shutting her down. Making her feel small apparently. You can’t win an argument with her. Then sometimes the issue she freaked about is a few days later never mentioned again.  Her feelings are never wrong. So if she feels I’m a murderer, for example, or am thinking something I’m not, because her feelings are always right, and must be the priority, I’m left in a ridiculous position, of denying a nonsense or arguing against a feeling that is never wrong.
How does one deal with this ? She has blocked me again. We had a bad argument a few weeks back as I didn’t agree with her on some trivial discussion , like I always  do apparently. I fired back because I had had five criticisms and judgements of me in two days. I was fed up. Worried for the arrival of the next round of saying or doing the wrong thing. So now I’m blocked and she packed up and ran away again. She tells me she only has this dynamic with me, never any others. I Which is not true as she has had a falling out with her family and some close friends. She may be healing those though. Who knows.
I do think she loves me. When we meet it’s very powerful, however I am just waiting for the next provocation. So annoying she just can’t enjoy the life I offer her. I offer her everything she has ever wanted , travel, a home ,financial stability, a loving partner. Etc. 
It’s a pity as I do love parts of her. And it’s also tragic that I have allowed this into my life.
Any advice would be appreciated- sorry I’m so long winded.

Now I've thought about what I wrote, I totally agree I  was thinking more of encountering people in general daily life but after thinking about my online dating experiences I'd have to say you're definitely right; isn't the same ratio of decent people, especially when you get several dates in a row with assorted crazy ones

Explains why I stopped internet dating a long time ago and wouldn't ever go back to it.

Yup.  I don't know whether to laugh or cry either.  I mean, what I wanted was for my spouse to say something like, "Glad you're home, I missed you.  I know you worked hard to prepare for that annual strategy session, how did it go?  Here, have a glass of wine and you can tell me about it if you want."  That's the sort of thing I would say to him all the time . . . recognize the work, acknowledge that he might be tired after a long trip, invite him to relax and tell me about it, or just chill and watch the TV together or something.  But no, I get assaulted with accusations, insults, complaints, impossible demands and a thinly veiled threat of divorce.  It's like he's trying to "ruin" any interaction I have with anyone else, including friends, business associates and family.  He makes it so hard for me to work and socialize, that I think he's trying to get me to give up in frustration and confine myself to the kitchen.  He seems to try to SABOTAGE my professional work, and yet at the same time, he demands so much economic support from me (while denying that I pay the overwhelming majority of the household expenses)!  On top of that, he acts like a little baby sometimes, throwing a fit if I don't make him a dinner exactly to order every day of the year, as if he can't be responsible for feeding himself one lousy night, even if all he has to do is zap a homemade lasagna for a couple of minutes in the microwave, which I went out of my way to make as easy as possible for HIM.

So here's what I decided.  I decided that I didn't want to wake up a decade or two later, regretting that I didn't live my life.  I didn't want to regret losing all my friends, not going on trips, and turning down promotions or business opportunities just because my spouse was acting needier than a toddler sometimes.  I decided I couldn't make myself "small" to appease him (e.g. agree to a 5:30pm curfew), because nothing I did appeased him anyway, and it's not fair, let alone healthy, to be treated that way.  I decided that if he was going to throw a tantrum no matter what I did, then I would let him throw a tantrum.  Deep down, I think he knows full well he's being completely unreasonable, and yet sometimes, he just can't control himself.  He might be feeling jealous, hangry, insecure, inferior, out of control, bored, neglected, I just don't know.  I'd say he has the BPD traits of fear of abandonment and angry outbursts, but not some of the other traits that his daughter has, such as the identity disturbance, suicidal tendencies and dissociative/delusional states.

But here's the good news.  Once I learned of my stepdaughter's BPD diagnosis, I learned about BPD, and I learned how to cope with it by reading these boards.  I learned about strategies like JADE and gray rock.  So that's what I tried with my husband, with some success.  Now, when I'm confronted with outrageous demands to cancel my work obligations, or with accusations that I'm having an affair during a board meeting, or with insults that I'm a terrible wife because I start making dinner 10 minutes later than usual, the "new me" will try to stay calm and not engage.  It might go something like this (a very recent example):

Him:  (At 5:00 pm)  Where are you!?!  You said you were going to be home for dinner!

Me:  I'm driving home now, my nav says my ETA is 5:47.

Him:  Why are you taking so long?  You said you would be home at 5:45!  What the f*** are you doing?  Where are you?

Me:  If you're calling just to yell at me, I'm hanging up.

Him:  !#*$?*

Me:  See you soon.  Click.

Now, I'm not going to lie, when I get home, he will likely still be tied up in knots.  And yet, he knows perfectly well that I had told him where I was going and that I would get home "at around 5:45, which is my best guess," because he always demands a precise ETA, down to the minute.  But when I walk in the door at 5:49, he's acting like a jerk by getting angry over four minutes, especially in the context of the distance I had to travel, the fact that it was the first time I ever travelled to the destination and the traffic conditions that time of day.  As an aside, for years I've managed trips to the gas station so that I wouldn't inconvenience my husband, because he would harangue me for being "late" if I spent five measly minutes to fill up my tank on my way home--that's how controlling he can be sometimes.  Anyway, when I arrive home "late," he would probably passive-aggressively fix himself a sandwich for dinner, refuse to eat what I prepare and then put himself to bed early, to "punish" me for my transgression.  And you know what?  I let him do that.  I'd rather he go sulk on his own than engage in the familiar routine of accusations-JADE-escalation with insults and threats.  Typically, by the next morning, he'll pretend nothing happened.  But sometimes he'll apologize, admitting he was being unreasonable.  And that's another reason why I don't think he would qualify for a BPD diagnosis, because my BPD stepdaughter would NEVER recognize that she was being unreasonable, let alone apologize for it.

And yet, I wish he would stop this behavior.  It's just so exhausting.  But by the same token, his accusations are so outrageous (ridiculous) that I've never believed them.  Same with the accusations his daughter makes.  It's like they're saying to me, you're a pink elephant, a poo poo face.  And that's one of the reasons why don't know whether to laugh or cry.  I mean, really, my husband has lived with me all these years, and all he can come up with to scream about is a fake affair and starting dinner 10 minutes later than usual?!?  How about, you help me get dinner started instead?  Or maybe you could make dinner this one time, and let ME relax after a work trip, just like I let you relax after work every day?  Geesh.

Reading the post just above  from cc43 i didn't know whether to laugh or cry, it is so like my life. there does seem to be a BPD script.

I think you handled this perfectly.  You didn't waste time; first sign of the instability, you made the right move, didn't look back, didn't allow her to make excuses for herself, and what's more, your friend's comment confirmed you did the right thing!

I agree with everything else you wrote, but I'd say that within certain segments of humanity - especially online dating - it's really hard to say that there's more nice people than bad.  And there's probably no benefit to assuming the best about things; take everyone on a case-by-case basis, and stay suspicious of their intentions and claims until you can verify they're correct or true. 

I was reading in Bill Eddy's book ("Splitting") that we have a tendency to subconsciously believe statements from new people, especially if they are emotional about them, unless we already know them to be false.  I think that would apply to even minor things, like the statement the OP related that "She communicated she had been hurt a lot in the past and had a hard time trusting and needed to go slow"... you have to consciously remind yourself that even something like that is mere words, unless or until you can confirm it's true. 

Remaining detached and objective is important, so you don't end up second guessing intentions and giving people the benefit of the doubt before they've earned it.