And thank you Rowdy, I really appreciate your response.

It was actually quite a shock at first when I found this forum. Suddenly, the pieces of this completely insane _____storm started falling into place.

My ex and I had known each other for seven years before our relationship went from friendship to something romantic. She is a highly educated woman, and I had always considered her rational, kind, and calm.

Right at the beginning of our relationship, I suspected her of being unfaithful and lying to me. A mutual friend assured me that I was imagining things and told me that she simply wasn't that kind of person. I believed my friend and thought that maybe my own alcoholism was making me insecure.

Early in the relationship, I noticed other strange things as well, but perhaps love blinded me into thinking they were normal, or maybe some kind of joke. She seriously told me that she was a witch and that she had something like clairvoyant abilities. For example, she said that if I ever cheated on her, she would know simply by sensing the energies. In general, she was prone to magical thinking and, among other things, believed that I was an extraordinary person who also had certain abilities.

Another thing I still wonder about is money. She has a good profession, but toward the end of our relationship, I discovered how terrible her financial situation actually was. Her mother's partner told me that she was several months behind on her rent and was about to be evicted. At the same time, our final breakup was unfolding, and she was devastated and in shock, even though she was the one who had left me. I paid her overdue rent and asked her mother's partner not to tell my ex where the money had come from, since he knew the landlord.

The worst part was that only a month earlier, I had made her promise me that she wouldn't hide financial problems from me and that she would be honest with me so that I could help her. She never told me anything.

It was horrible to see someone I loved in that condition. She would call me at night and tell me that I had destroyed her. By this point, I was beginning to realize just how ill she actually was, and all I tried to do was comfort her. I told her that I wasn't going to disappear and that I would be there to support her if she needed me, even though I had already moved back to my own continent.

I kept trying to convince her that I had not cheated on her. I don't know whether she believed me. By then, I was so confused myself that I even started wondering whether perhaps I had been carrying chlamydia without symptoms for years and had somehow infected her. Because I hadn't slept with any other women during our relationship.

Later, of course, I realized that when our second-to-last breakup happened—when she left me because I made myself tea—she had most likely gone and cheated on me.

When that breakup happened, I didn't recognize her. The woman sitting in front of me seemed like someone else entirely: completely cold and emotionless, although at moments she also seemed visibly shaken.

Hi TheFox

What you have described is a very similar pattern to what a lot of us on here have experienced. The push pull, the jealousy, the re writing of history or changing the narrative of things that happen or blowing things out of proportion does sound like a personality disorder like bpd.

Now, I can’t say for sure, I recognise and sympathise with a lot that you have said, but my ex hasn’t been diagnosed with bpd.
In many cases there won’t be a diagnoses because the person that likely has a disorder won’t usually see, or admit they have. They see nothing wrong with their behaviour. To be honest, I’m not sure I would completely trust a diagnoses anyway given the disordered persons ability to gaslight and bend the truth, I doubt any therapist actually gets the full undisclosed picture when dealing with a person with a pd.

I know exactly where you are at on your journey. You likely know she has a problem, her behaviour doesn’t make sense to you and her choices don’t make sense either. You are looking for the reason and validation for what you believe is the problem, the root cause of her behaviour. It matters less that she is given a label, it matters more that you can see the behaviour as toxic or unhealthy and take steps to look after yourself accordingly.

My relationship lasted 27 years. We were (still are) married, have two adult sons and a three month old grandchild. I know she’s got problems, and most people around us know it. What I have done is run through her behaviour, listing what she has done in chronological order, on google AI and asked it to check her behaviour against the DSM-5 for any possible personality disorder. While it can’t diagnose anything, it has given me some clarity to the reason why her behaviour is what it is. In my case, it was quite shocking as it listed 9/9 for npd, 7/9 for bpd and high enough in both anti social personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder as well, so high comorbidity in all four personality disorders.

Another point to consider... Consider the contrast between you and your ex.  You learn and are truly seeking to do better with your life whereas that man is locked into his cycles of dysfunctional, even abusive, behavior.

Repeat... You have learned.  Odds are he may never learn.

BPD is a disorder most impacting to close relationships.  He may never get past his issues and the emotional baggage of the relationship.  Maybe a therapist can help him, if he would start and apply meaningful therapy, but reality says even that is probably unlikely.

Yeah I tried to just remove myself as often as I could. It was not always possible. Or he would follow me and not let up. Still no excuse but I appreciate you helping me feel a little less monstress about my actions. Or at least understand the why a little bit more. I got to a point where i just had no threshold for the constant fighting. You're right, he did not perceive or respect boundaries. I still just feel so ashamed.

I recall when I divorced years ago when our child was a preschooler that my lawyer told me "Courts love counseling!"  So not only do we encourage our members to take advantage of sessions with local counselors, such resources are invaluable for the kids too.

As much as you were impacted with a problematic spouse, your teenager surely was too, though perhaps in different ways.  Without having a normal home environment, he may not truly know what "normal" can and should be.  Even if counseling services are not easy to arrange - sometimes the other parent objects to giving permission* - at the least schools have counselors and they too can listen and provide guidance and helpful ideas.

* If your spouse does object to a minor seeing a counselor, courts will generally side with the parent seeking such services for the children.  As my lawyer said, "Courts love counseling!"

Thank you so much. It helps to know that I am not alone and that there is at least sort of an "explanation" for why this can happen. It has been challenging just to talk about it in terms of a break-up or ending a long-term relationship/marriage because it is so much more than that with a BDP person. It is comforting to know that there are people out there who understand that, and have been through it <3

Thanks for your reply! I certainly am not trying to get any therapist type answers! Just was seeing if anyone had experience with partners with BPD ever shifting back to someone being seen in a positive light after they have split and made someone negative in their head.

I brought up multiple times to couples therapist about bipolar because that is what I thought I was seeing. I kept getting told there is nothing "clinically" wrong. Which this makes sense now because no he isn't manic nor is he hearing voices nor so depressed he can't function. This is a personality issue which I never thought of. I got to this diagnosis after consulting privately with a psychiatrist who is a friend of the family. They obviously said they couldn't give me any definitive diagnosis because they had never met my husband and he isn't officially a patient. But after an extremely long discussion and giving as much history and observations as I could, that is what was concluded. It all made so much sense, especially when honing specifically Quiet BPD. This article for example just hits the nail on the head https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-quiet-borderline-personality-disorder-5115074

I think that getting help for him would be extremely challenging because there is already a stigma with BPD. And he isn't the guy that is aggressively lashing out or so out of control. Rather it is like an inner turmoil that has finally exploded. In this case, the explosion is towards our marriage.

Yes, we can relate.  We've walked in your shoes... and come out the other side.

When BPD exists in a marriage, whether short or lengthy, the dysfunction puts immense stress on a relationship.  So many arriving here are hurt and are perplexed why all their efforts over so many years couldn't save the marriage.

Sometimes too we notice how quickly the other shifts into "moving on".  It is mystifying and feels unnatural to us but it is called Object Constancy and often associated with BPD perceptions.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder

Rather than viewing a slap as outright violence, I would agree with your friend that it was warranted in the aspect that a behavioral boundary was crossed and a response was natural.  Essentially, a response was appropriate and a slap is not quite aggressive.  We have observed that people with BPD traits (pwBPD) repeatedly push boundaries, especially when they sense weakness or wavering.

Looking back, yes you regret it.  But a response to poor behavior was needed.  Why?  Because pwBPD resist proper behavior boundaries, especially with those closest to them and especially in private scenarios.  That's why boundaries are for us... our response to poor behavior.

Since tit for tat can escalate tensions, one possible choice for a Boundary (I will leave when poor behavior erupts) is to exit the area, go visit a friend, walk in the park, go to a gym, go grocery shopping, whatever, and return once the other has reset.  This of course is not a fix nor does it succeed in all scenarios, but it does allow time and some distance to - hopefully - calm down the immediate incident.