So, I'm gearing myself for my conversation with my son on Sunday regarding my not giving him money. Hopefully he will be available. My therapist said it's best to have this conversation in person. That can be challenging with him especially if he senses I want to "talk" with him. I've been keeping it casual.
Does it need to be done immediately? I found that stating a boundary - saying I will not do something in the future or anymore- directly to my mother was perceived by her as a personal attack. She would react intensely and become very mean and verbally attack. BPD mother did not like boundaries.
This didn't mean not having boundaries or not communcating them, but how it was done made a difference- not in her compliance with them but with my own ability to withstand her reaction and also- for her, if she wanted something, in the moment, she wanted it immediately, so doing this in the moment still caused a reaction but it wasn't something "in the future" that became a long argument over.
Boundaries are basically actions- and they can be spoken, but long discussions and reasons - that just adds to the drama. A "no" is a boundary.
Compare with the cookie example. How effective is it to say to your toddler at breakfast "I will no longer let you have cookies for dinner". He's not asking in the moment and it makes no sense to him at the time- he just thinks you are being mean.
Or- it's dinner time, he's hungry, he asks for a cookie and you say "no, dinner is in 5 minutes, and so no cookies right before dinner". Child will still tantrum but it's in the moment that he learns.
With your son- if he's not asking for money in the moment- and you bring it up- it is sure to begin a circular argument and multiple calls trying to get you to change your mind. It's also not necessary to do this if he's not asking for money at the time.
It also depends on how he expects it. If he asks when he wants some, saying no in the moment is when to say no. If you are providing a regular amount- something he expects, like for rent, or food, I think it's fair to provide a plan for stopping some time in the future, to give him time to adjust if he's been relying on it.
The less you explain yourself, the better. He's not going to like what you say either way. An example of a regular payment "Son, your father and I can not afford to do this, and so, we will continue this for one more month, but after this we will no longer be paying $X a month. This way he has time to work more hours, adjust his budget, or whatever he chooses.
For in the moment requests- do this at the time. "Mom, I need some money for ......" Son, your father and I can not afford to do this, so no, we won't be able to".
These statements are best said using "I" sentences. Do not say "you need to budget better" or any "you" words. The bottom line is- you are retired, the money you have is for your own needs. He's going to react, say mean things, but he isn't entitled to his parents' money. Do not go into a long discussion over this.
Also, you will need to be able to manage your own feelings during his reaction. I once had to say a "no" to BPD mother - not over money, but another reason, and it was something I was nervous about, but it had to be said. I didn't intend or want to hurt her, it wasn't something I could agree to.
I practiced saying this with a therapist. I wrote down what to say and how to say it. BPD mother responded as expected. She demanded an explanation and I began to do that, automatically. However, an explanation was not needed, she already knew why. It would only lead to a drama circular argument and her being angry. Still, it was automatic to comply with her request for that.
Then she began to argue the explanation and
I caught myself in the dynamics- this is the circular argument, the JADE, the no win conversation and so stopped, " it's a no, I can't do that" - she continued to ask for an explanation, until she realized I wasn't going to go into a circular argument with her.
You might recall this story from 12 steps but it's also seen in other contexts.
https://people-shift.com/articles/an-autobiography-in-five-short-chapters-portia-nelsons-poem-about-change/I don't know about the whole website- I just looked for the poem. In context of your situation, the "hole" isn't just about giving money- it's getting into the circular argument over it with your son, which is emotionally stressful. We get into this automatically- we don't see the hole we fell into- but we can work on seeing it, getting out of it, and then eventually doing something different. The hole is about ourselves and how we are part of the dynamic.
In my situation with my mother- it was "chaper III" I began to get into the discussion, saw what I was doing, got out of it. If you need to have the discussion with your son right away, then it needs to be done but if not, consider doing some planning with your therapist on how you can avoid your "holes" when you do.