Hi Bpdstinks,


I can see that you are struggling. 

Maybe it is the not knowing why your udd has requested limited contact with you and your family but as hard as this is those are her wishes. For years I wanted to know why my udd despised me so much. I asked relatives she was close to, close friends but no-one had answer. Even udd herself didnt have answer. So I blamed myself that I must have done something wrong.

Then I came across bpd and the more I read about bpd I came to realise that my udd has an 8 out of 9 of the traits for bpd and that she has a serious undiagnosed mental illness which often involves difficulties with personal relationships. That explained a lot. There were signs long before I knew anything about bpd and there is a definitely a genetic link in my family. I had to accept it and come to terms with it and let it go to improve my own mental health.

Acceptance has lead me to understand that I did the best I could at the time with the knowledge I had then. Its hard to accept that  my  udd may have just been unlucky and inherited her mental illness. I still feel sad for her that she doesnt experience the everyday joys in life that others do and would change it if I could but as far as I know she sees nothing wrong her life and is happily living her life. She isnt sad. She out there living her best life and she is happy that Iam excluded from it. It is what she wants and wanted for many years and if that makes her happy then Iam happy for her. Try not to take it personally. Hopefully in time your dd may reconnect when she gets the mental help she needs but I wouldnt hold your breath for it. That will just keep you stuck and you still have a life to live!

For now Its possible that your udd may be trying to protect her own mental health by distancing herself from you and her extended family and her wishes must be respected however difficult it is for us to accept.

I think  it is time to focus on this new life and live in the moment. A new grandbaby is  truly a blessing and will bring you so much joy

I think these are questions best answered by a therapist who has experience using EMDR and DBT.

Even with experience- how a person responds to therapy is individual. They can't predict a certain result for an individual.

From what you have posted - it looks like your wife has tried EMDR, and is still willing to try it, but it would be her therapist who could answer your questions about her response to it, if your wife has given consent to the therapist to speak to you.

Understandable that this is difficult as you want to help her but she's autonomous in therapy and is going to respond, or not respond, in her own way.

I agree with mitochondrium in that- the aspect of this that we can control is our own boundaries to being bullied when the pwBPD is dissociating- understandbly difficult in your situation- with small children, finances to consider and living in the same house.

As to motivating your wife- I don't think we can control someone else's feelings or motivation. but what you can do on your part is to consider if any of your behaviors are enabling ones. Hopefully posters will share their experiences on this topic too.

Hi Boodledog26,

My udd left home when she was 17yo.

She packed up her bedroom and her b/f at the time helped her move out while I was home with no discussion beforehand or word of a forwarding address(got that later from b/f)

Ultimately she made her return when things didnt work out, but in between time I had very limited contact with her which suited me just fine as I had already reached the stage of letting go after years of dealing with so much turmoil it was honestly a relief to have udd out of my home. As you said there has to be consequences to big girl decisions.

I think moving is a very drastic move especially if you have a good community around you and your children are happy where they are. There must be other ways out there of protecting your son without uprooting you all. Why cause so much distress to you all just to avoid one person?

Please excuse my previous grammar errors.

One more info...

She does recognize that she has serious issues and even makes jokes about being too crazy (too many disorders). However, the perception of being a victim is much stronger and overrules the self-perception, which is not taken seriously (therefore the jokes).

At times, when she wants to reconnect, she suddenly understands that the things she says and does are inadequate, and she actually feels guilty. But the guilt is short-lived. Most of the times, though, she claims that this type of situation occurs with every couple. I thought it could be a reference she got from her parents, but she does have a better reference from her grandparents. So it's more about an attempt to rationalize/normalize her own abusive behavior.

Thanks CC43 -  I think this is exactly the approach that would be best received

@Notwendy, yes EMDR certainly requires the patient to recognize the trauma and have the intent of healing from it. That's not a problem. Currently, she is treating an adult trauma that involves sexual assault, after which she developed a specific phobia that is very debilitating.

Once she overcomes that adult trauma, she would then try to touch her deeper childhood traumas. She had tried hypnotherapy as well. The problem is that she tends to stray away from therapy because of the side effects are too strong. Her EMDR therapist instructed her to use music and meditation. Yet, when the therapist when full force, using an apparatus, she said the after-hours were too painful, so she abandoned the therapy for a few months, but is now returning.

Do you think she would need to learn skills from DBT first, to then use in post-EMDR sessions? Or would she just need a stronger motivator force?

Thanks for the answers.

@mitochondrium, the situation I describe is a bit different (in a bad sense).

1) The first difference is that this is not a being-harsh-with-everyone kind of attitude. It is surgically directed to the one that replaces her father (the husband). For no one else she displays such kind of hatred. This was demonstrated a few years by Ayahuasca. This experience exposes what's beneath the ego and reveals the person's inner desires/issues. For her, it resulted in a hallucination in which she saw her father in place of her new partner (now husband). She also did many body struggle during the night like a kid and said things like "I'll kill you", many times. I think that was already a clear proof that she is projecting her traumas, but somehow she still doesn't see it that way. She says that it's not her father that is doing the things in her relationship (things usually related to money and kids), so she just stands her ground in blaming the husband.

2) I understand that holding to your boundaries can be psychologically difficult, especially when you love this person and when you where brought up "running on empty" (this is a book reference). And it can take some time to mature and heal all scars from the past before one can endure a relationship with BPD partner. And once that's done, imposing boundaries with a boyfriend/girlfriend that lives apart becomes viable. However, there are a few factors that can enter the game and make it too hard to sustain real boundaries or to change the current dynamics:

• You are living in with your BPD partner, so you'll always be an available target.
• You work from home, so you're a target 24h per day.
• You have young kids which you must protect and take care, including a breastfeeding baby and kids from previous relationship.
• You are in country that strongly favours the other sex (the woman) in courts in regards to domestic violence, kids custody and pensions.
• You are short in cash to move out anyway, and a bit too exhausted/unmotivated to work more and make more money.

Though I don't want to say it's impossible. It's just much harder than what you described. Boundaries could be an effective form of containing the behavior and preventing it from scaling up. But would good boundaries motivate the partner to seek for treatment? Probably not, right?

So maybe I have made the wrong question here. Maybe I should be asking about motivation to change and accountability instead. That shall be another post.

Ya so she blocked me to be with her friend then like 2 months later had unblocked me to talk idk why and then blocked him to get with me again and it was going well but she blocked me again this Christmas after some plans fell out

Hi, I'm in my first ever relationship with a person who has BPD and I'm doing my very best to be kind, understanding and patient but it doesn't seem quite enough. My partner is very reluctant to tell me what he needs and what I can do to help him prevent splits, and expects me to just know everything. I'm diagnosed with autism and personally struggle to do things without being told how and what to do. What can I do in this situation?

I want to thank you all for the replies.  Overthinking is so automatic that I use it as a reflex, I guess.  I think writing it down helped and I came to the conclusion if the day is a good day I'll drive myself only to support my granddaughter. The oldest grand will be down around that time also in the big city.    It also has occurred to me I wasn't too careful with my post.  And she may well be a member of the group.  Happy New Year!