Thank you friends.

And one more:

7. The person you thought they were would have protected you from the person they actually are.

As time passes, I think many of us progress from wanting or missing the relationship to wanting the sense of hollowness, confusion and even terror to recede. This bit of advice has helped me deal with the cognitive dissonance that is at the root of the confusion and fear.

Hi there,

Welcome to the group.  From the sound of things, you've been dealing with your daughter's BPD for an extended time.  If you've come here in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you're in good company.

By now you're probably used to your daughter's routine of lashing out at you, blaming you for all her troubles and dredging up negative memories from childhood, over and over again, no matter how much you've tried to explain or apologize.  That's all classic BPD.  Nevertheless, I see some positive things here:  your daughter is smart, she managed to graduate, she's held a job and functioned independently for quite some time, probably thanks to all the support you've provided her over the years.  What I see is that the resurgence of acting out, blaming and threatening to cut you off comes down to your daughter's stress levels right now.  She's having to face reality:  she quit her job without having another one lined up.  She's been unemployed for several months.  And now she's forced to look for a job.  The prospect of doing that has her stressed out, cash-strapped and worried about the future.  Instead of accepting reality, looking forward, focusing on her job search and sticking to a budget, what does she do?  She focuses on the past and lashes out at you.  She doesn't want to take responsibility for her current predicament and tries to blame you instead.  My observation is that the more a pwBPD is worried about the future, the farther back in the archive of negative childhood experiences she looks!  In my opinion, this is an AVOIDANCE tactic.  The thought of dealing with real life is just too stressful, and so the pwBPD takes "refuge" in the tiresome routine of lashing out at parents, in the hopes that parents feel so guilty and scared for their adult child that they pull out the checkbook or otherwise rescue the kid--with free housing, logistical support, administrative support, cash, whatever.  The parent might think, with this last bit of support, the pwBPD might stabilize and actually appreciate it.  Maybe that's true.  But if the "rescue" enables your BPD daughter to give up on herself and her life, while blaming you for her predicament, then probably not.  There's a fine line between support and enablement which parents here often have trouble establishing.

It seems to me that though your daughter has made major strides, she hasn't really grown up yet and accepted responsibility for her life.  What I see is someone who has unrealistic expectations of her parents (and probably all the people around her).  She probably expects you to pay for her travel; she resents the fact that YOU seem able to travel abroad and will throw that in your face.  She treats your home like a free hotel, but if you ask her to make "reservations," she balks.  And yes, I'm very accustomed to the pwBPD's apparent inability to commit to anything.  The reality is, she has NO IDEA what she'll be doing in October or December; she just wants you to be available, no matter the inconvenience to you.  After all, she only thinks about her needs; the second you mention YOUR needs, it seems unfair to her, and she'll accuse you of being selfish (how ironic!).  Does that sound about right?  I think that's classic BPD:  entitlement, projecting and blaming, as well as giving outlet to pent-up frustrations, vindictiveness and cluelessness.

I guess I'm saying that if you understand where all this vitriol is coming from, you might not take things as personally, hard though that might be in practice.  But what I see is that you are probably doing GREAT.  Your daughter has managed to carve out an independent life for herself, even if she struggles immensely.  You're still in her life, even if it's to act as a pincushion.  I'd say, you need to keep your boundaries strong.  If you daughter lashes out, I'd recommend giving her an "adult time out," as in time and space to calm down.  You can make up an anodyne excuse ("I need to use the bathroom; Gotta run now"). 

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hate the fact that you are using the word "failure."  This condition is so hard for loved ones to comprehend.  I remember when I was in a NAMI group for family of people wbpd.  There was one amazing woman whose husband blamed her for his suicide attempt and then left her (during the course of our group sessions).  She was kind and smart and trying so hard to handle the situation and be there for him.  I couldn't believe that he could be so self-involved and cruel.  You didn't fail in any way.  You were just human in an impossible situation.

Parents never get over the loss of a child even if the child is still alive. Allow yourself to grieve not being able to have a loving respectful relationship with your adult daughter.

Wow, does all this sound familiar, except that in my case it’s a sibling who doesn’t see a therapist. I am so very sorry for what you’ve been through and continue to go through.

I know that feeling of guilt for having times of peace and enjoyment.  Strangely, the less involvement I’ve had with my pwubpd, the more that feeling has gone away. I think it’s because of greater clarity about what I can and can’t do. And I’ve also played that game of talking to myself the way I’d talk to a friend experiencing the same thing. I’d never think they deserved that.

There are many posts here of people talking about estrangement. They usually say that they reach out with a card or some such on birthdays, holidays, etc. often the person comes back around but less frequently and with less intense involvement.

I think being a parent is a special situation that I haven’t experienced so I’ll stop there. Just sending support for you in this especially hard time.

My daughter, 34 was diagnosed with BPD at 18 after 3 serious suicide attempts in the prior 2 years.  We all went to dbt therapy and she sort of was better.  She is very bright and went to university after a break of 2 years and graduated.  She was working until last year, when she quit her job because she was depressed and her boss was making her suicidal.  She recently started looking for another job which is very stressful and she is still depressed.   
Her dad and I are traveling overseas and last week she said was thinking she wanted to visit us in Oct and Dec.  Unfortunately, I had had a bad morning dealing with some unexpected bills so I asked her if she was paying for one of the flights which caused a huge upset.  She is very last minute about plans and makes it very difficult to make arrangements because I don't necessarily have accommodations for her and it is unclear at least to me what she is planning until the last moment.  She said all other parents would be happy their kids wanted to spend time with them and that I was just so selfish and cold to her.  She said that I never help her and brings up things I did/said wrong from years ago and that her therapist said I am not empathetic or mothering.  I feel constantly on guard when I am around her.
I was going to therapy to deal with the emotional turmoil last year from when her dad told her to go home when she was yelling at me about past things and wouldn't stop.  (Not getting invited to her dad's cousin's kid's wedding that she hadn't seen in 10 years, letting them stay at my house when she wasn't invited to the wedding, me buying a vacuum even after she said it was stupid and other similar things.)  It was all my fault, I didn't care and she was never going to forgive me.  My therapist will only see me (even remotely) if I am in the same state, so I am not currently seeing them.  
Yesterday, my dwBPD called and said that she thought we should just give up on having a relationship because I don't realize how much pain I cause her.  She said she thought that me going to therapy would help but that I am never going to change and she just can't deal with all the pain that I continually cause.  
Usually we end up with me apologizing for the things she says I was wrong about and her not really accepting the apology since it comes out again the next time she is upset.  Then we muddle along again.  
A prior therapist said if I keep doing the same things why would I expect different results.  I just don't know what to do.  I do feel selfish when I'm not worrying about her and enjoy something.  
Sorry this is so long of a first post and thank you for reading.

Seems like a number of us feeling down. We have been through/are going through something truly challenging. Please something that will bring you some joy and know that this too will pass.

Many of us, perhaps most of us, never had confirmation that the other was diagnosed with BPD.  Partly that is due to their avoidance of therapists.  So what we do is ponder the evidence (documented behavior and actions) and conclude what fits.  It's not an official diagnosis but it's enough to guide us in how we deal with whatever it is.

That was my situation.  I had been married for over a decade when I thought having a child with my spouse would make her happier upon seeing our child discover the joys of life.  How clueless I was!  So when we separated we both were ordered by the court to get Psych Evals.  They aren't in-depth assessment but they're better than nothing.  Mine was by a university grad student.  My report?  Anxiety.  Yeah, Sherlock, that was obvious after what I went through.

What was my ex's report?  She never turned one in.  For all I know she never got an evaluation.  I learned some lessons.  They may not apply here, but I mention them in case it helps anyone.

• Many times when it goes to court one is cast as the victim and the other as the perp.  In many cases the court only orders an examination of the accused.  Because the situation may really be the reverse, when a court orders investigations, try to get both parties to be examined.
• With us knowing there may be non-compliance, have our lawyer not submit the report until the other side is ready to submit theirs.

Good list, thanks Hotchip. I have been ruminating too much lately. Feeling quite sad and alone. At least I have stayed 5 months no contact already.

Hi there,

I'm sorry that things have gotten out of control in the relationship with your pwBPD.  I know you know that violence isn't the answer, and that you feel awful.

Here's the thing though.  You know you were wrong, and you know there's no excuse.  You let things get out of control, probably because you were trying really, really hard to make the relationship work.  And your pwBPD takes advantage of that, manipulating you.  Your mistake in my opinion was to let him get away with too much.  The irony is that YOU feel bad about it, when objectively, the root cause of the blow-ups is the pwBPD's atrocious behavior.

I've noticed with the pwBPD in my life, that sometimes it appears that she's manufacturing a scene, in order to provoke another person into doing something they might regret.  Typically the scene involves over-the-top behavior on her part, actions that always seem disproportionate to the situation--the emotional outbursts, the cruelty of insults, the duration of a tantrum, the accusations, the physicality, the dire threats, the refusal to participate as a collaborative/rational person, whatever.  Sometimes it seems to me that her unspoken goal is to get the other person to crack.  And when they do, typically with a reaction that's minor compared to what she's done just moments before, well, she pounces all over that.  Suddenly, she focuses on the latest offense, and then doubles down.  She shifts into full-on blame mode.

In the most extreme form of this tactic, the pwBPD will completely flip the script.  Their version of events will highlight your small reaction, while ignoring their own behavior leading up to the break.  Sometimes this is psychlogical manipulation strategy is known as DARVO, short for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.  Typically the result is that YOU end up apologizing for your behavior, when the behavior of the pwBPD was worse and is what started the debacle.

At the core of this strategy is blame-shifting.  In my experience with pwBPD, the victim mindset is pervasive, as is the inability to take any responsibility for their actions.  After all, a pwBPD is convinced that others are causing their distress.  So this is not only an EXCUSE to act out and be mean to you, but also an attempt to get a rise out of you, so they can pin absolutely everything on you.  They feed on that reaction while blaming you for everything.  By blaming you, they feel increasingly justified in treating you badly, while they generally won't feel any responsibility.  My guess is that you never, ever get an apology from a pwBPD.  Does that ring true?

What to do about all this?  I think you have to recognize when you're being provoked earlier, and leave the scene earlier.  It comes down to boundaries.  You don't let people treat you like crap because you deserve better.  When they start crapping all over you, no matter how sorry you feel for them, that doesn't give them the right.  You leave the scene and only engage when they are treating you better.  I know this is easier said than done.  I'm working on it all the time.  I've found it helps to have a Plan A and a Plan B for certain situations.  For me, that usually means creating an "adult time out," time and space away from the pwBPD.  Usually that involves going to another room, but sometimes it might mean taking a walk in nature or getting out of the house--a quick errand, a stop at the library, parking in a tranquil spot.

Just my two cents.