Hi Zachira, I also have a disordered neighbor. What's theirs is their and what's yours is theirs.  I also feel reluctant to act due to having had a dBPD mother.

I've done the same as you. If something happens I'll contact them but say nothing otherwise. Being friendly with them and/or doing favors in the past made me into a consistent target. I think it feeds the disorder.

They seem to implode at random though. They've harassed others in the neighborhood too.

Zachira, don't be so hard on yourself. I've had to learn the hard way how to handle disordered people. Most people do too. It doesn't come naturally. 

You can ignore her and not speak to her. If she can't control her behavior, you have the right to protect yourself. I think you're doing really well from what you've said.  You can't stop her from being disordered.

I would suggest contacting the police if she trespasses and destroys your property again. I had an instance where I should have and let it pass -- I was still learning to set boundaries. Actions should have consequences.

I appreciate hearing everyone's perspectives. Thank you for replying and your ongoing input. One of my friends recently told me that I get groomed by disordered people and I am just too nice. I was way too nice to this neighbor, while most people seem to get it pretty quickly that they had better distance themselves from her.

Unfortunately the neighbor has an unhealthy obsession with controlling what goes on at my place, having everything her way at the HOA (She drives the HOA President crazy with her unreasonable demands.), and keeps violating my boundaries. I wish I had been more affirmative with her from the beginning. I have tried to validate her when she does something nice. I doubt she ever gets much validation from anybody and she seems to crave my attention. I am at the point where I can't stand this woman and want as little contact as possible. Perhaps my extreme dislike of her will now allow me to set better boundaries with her. The other next door neighbor to her told me she just turns and walks away when she makes unreasonable demands. The HOA President told me he calls her out on her lies, which make her upset. He also says no to her unreasonable demands after spending years trying to work with her.

Recently life has been hard. I have suffered some pretty heinous betrayals from some people that I had poor boundaries with who were people I though I could trust. It is so hard for me to stop reenacting my trauma with people who are similar to my disordered family members. Please share your stories and give me some feedback on this. 

I grew up with a "difficult" person in the family, and maybe that's how I learned to tolerate difficult people.


Looking back, I now can imagine he blamed me for the extended delay.  In order for him to select a piece of their land, all to his sole benefit before the remainder was sold and proceeds split, the county required an easement so the remainder would be marketable.  Once he eventually selected a surveyor and naturally wanted the maximum land possible, officials stated it would make the remainder landlocked so an easement was needed.  He kept insisting I allow an easement on my property and I kept responding there wasn't room on my property for an easement.  So, in his mind I caused the delay?

There was a memorial for one of our cousins last month and I was seated on the other side.  It was as if the other wasn't there.

A difficult behavior for me is the discard/cut off/silent treatment. If people are being impolite, crossing boundaries- as difficult as that is- at least there's some interaction.

I find I put more value into a relationship than some other people. I will try to salvage a relationship, at least at first.

I had a co-worker with whom I thought we had a friendship. This person was not disordered. We had done things together outside of work, and I even was invited to her child's wedding. After she left the job, due to job dissatisfaction, I still contacted her. I realized it was one way- me reaching out and she was too busy. I understand that perhaps she didn't want to associate with anyone from her previous job, as she had been unhappy with it. I just assumed the friendship was more than that. Realizing it may not have been, and there was no effort on her part, I let it go.

Another person, whose reaction was so over the top, I suspect is disorded, was angry at someone with whom I worked on a committee. I was not involved in their altercation- I wasn't there at the time and I don't have a personal relationship with the person she was angry with. She disagreed with a decision made by the committee, and promptly cut contact with everyone associated with that. I know she was angry as she had words with me over it, then blocked and unfriended me and has not spoken to me after that. I tried to reach out but she's still gone NC.

What I noticed with myself is how much this affected me emotionally- it was distressing. I see that this is similar to BPD mother's behvavior of cutting off contact, silent treatment- when she was angry at people. Another similarity is that the reaction is way out of proportion to the situation. My involvement in her issues with this other person is minimal, yet she was willing to destroy a relationship with me over it.

In both these situations, I realize that the frienship meant more to me than the other person. Up to the discard- there were no issues that I could see. Nobody treated me poorly. I don't think all friendships are meant to last. Some are situational. Still, most of the time, they remain cordial, even if more distant. To completely cut all contact at once is baffling to me.

Hey Victor,

That push/pull you’re describing can feel like it should “cycle back,” especially after something that intense.

Sometimes it does. The catch is… the pattern often comes with it.

You’re already seeing something clearly here:

“Women who want to be with you show up.”

That’s a pretty grounded take.

Right now, she’s reaching out just enough to keep a connection alive, but not enough to build anything steady. That in-between space can keep you hooked without really moving things forward.

Missing her makes sense. Wanting her to miss you too makes sense.

The tougher question might be - if nothing changes from what you’re seeing now, is that something that works for you?

This is so surreal. Last week I had everything calm.
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It is surreal, isn’t, the way things go from 0 to 1000 for people w bpd? 

You have not just a right but an obligation to do what’s best for you and your children. All best with this transition.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It makes me feel so much less alone. I'm going to do it. I have my window and I'm taking it this time.

Hi there,

I can only imagine what must have gotten you to this point, but with BPD in the mix, my bet is misplaced rages / temper tantrums, constant strife in the home, jealousy and using kids to get back at you.  What I see as really damaging is her cancelling some of the kids' tickets to Italy, and not the others.  It's one thing to deal with an abusive spouse, and another when the abuse extends to the kids.  Those poor kids are going to think their stepmom hates them.  They probably already know that.

I know this is really hard for you, and that you've been on this wavering road for a long time.  Surely you're confused because you see some good qualities to your spouse--otherwise you'd have left long ago.  But based on what you've written, I see two things.  First, your'e hurt.  And second, your spouse appears to be cruel to your children.  I think you ought to put your children first here.  They need Happy, Balanced and Calm Dad, not Confused, Traumatized, Stressed-Out and Enabling Dad.  They need a good role model, to learn what a healthy family looks like.  If they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, they could be set up to enter dysfunctional relationships themselves when they grow up.

You will get past this, with some time.  Even if you can't afford to go on foreign trips for a while, that's OK.  I'm sure your kids would appreciate having Happy Dad back and a calm, loving home environment again, over any fancy trip.  They might not even know what a calm, loving home looks like.  They deserve one, don't they?  You do too.  I'm feeling conflicted about your step-kids, as they will be affected by the divorce as well--they'll lose their stepdad and stepsiblings.  I'm not sure what to advise there but to be prepared to accept it.  And maybe consider getting your kids some therapy to cope.

Thanks for the reply. I was hoping someone would!

You're right. This is a tough spot. I don't know what to do. I love her and don't want to just give up on her but...

I'm feeling generally steady in my day to day but I miss her and want her to miss me too. How could she not? The part of me that is unsteady and just confused is what you mentioned about the deep connection quickly turning to distance. Is this a normal BPD thing where she'll cycle back once the intensity has calmed down a bit? I don't think I imagined the depth of our feelings but the more I read about quiet BPD traits, the more it creeps into my mind that the October email was the height of her idealization. She meant it in the moment. Once she had what she thought she wanted for all that time it wasn't what she actually wanted? I did say that to her during our break talk. She defensively said "that's not what I'm saying." That or she wants to pursue this other guy again. Who knows, maybe she is just taking this time to process by herself. But I have to accept the reality of her actions. Women who want to be with you or have a relationship show up. She's missing in action no matter how foundational our connection is.

Hi Solaris,

I'm sorry you've been through all this.  I see a few things going on here.  First, I agree with the other posters, that him "flipping" is a common feature of BPD--suddenly going from idolization/idealization to hatred/detestation.  He is a personality of extremes--his reactions are extreme, and he has extreme, volatile relationships with other people.  If he isn't getting from you what he wants when he wants it, well then you are probably evil in his eyes.

Another thing I see is projection.  That's a classic move from a pwBPD--going from the defensive to the offensive.  Now it's YOU who is the abuser, the addict, the one who needs professional help, not him.  You're the one who starts the fights, not him.  You need to change, not him.  You need to apologize and atone, not him.  This tactic of projection and thinly veiled blaming is so common that if you read between the lines, you can often see what's really bugging your partner.  That's because he's ruminating about his own troubles so much, that he practically wears a rut in his brain, and everything he perceives in the world is processed through that well-worn track in his brain.  These troublesome feelings eventually emerge as projections or accusations.  Thus he'll proclaim, "You're the addict, and you're so abusive that you drive me to use illicit substances, you ruined my life, I can't stand it anymore, it's all your fault!"  Does that sound about right?

Finally, what I see is that you have been traumatized.  My guess is that you're constantly in fight-or-flight survival mode, and you're probably not thinking clearly, let alone acting like your normal self.  You might be operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, which is clouding your judgment.  You might even be losing your sense of self.  That's understandable, when your partner is dysregulated and being abusive to you.  It's not fun having to call the cops.  I'd recommend that you take a time out, to get to a calmer place before deciding what to do.  Then you can figure out next steps.  In the grand scheme of things, moving to a new apartment might be a small price to pay for your own sanity.  My opinion is that an apartment is just an apartment--there are millions of other ones out there.  But there's only one Solaris.  You take care of Solaris first and foremost.

I'll wrap up with a reality check.  You might think back to a time before you met your partner.  Were you lost back then?  Was your life mostly functional?  Were you engaged with studies, a job, taking care of family?  Did you have some close friends and fun times?  Did you practice some hobbies?  Were you generally going in a positive direction?  Though you experienced some setbacks, you persevered and got over them?  That's the real you, when you're not traumatized.  Please don't let your disordered partner convince you otherwise.