Hi there,

My read of the situation is that your ex misses you, or maybe she just misses being in a relationship and getting attention.  But because she has BPD, she is has a few traits and habits:

*She's extremely insecure
*She creates drama and volatile relationships everywhere
*She feels she's always a victim and blames others for causing her problems
*She's easily upset and triggered, and she actively looks for (or invents) reasons to be upset about
*Her thinking is generally negative (assuming the worst of others and herself), as well as highly emotional, which manifests as disordered and seemingly illogical thoughts

So "conversations" with her tend to devolve into false accusations and circular arguments.  She seemingly deliberately misinterprets whatever you say in your defense, because she sees everything with a negative lens, and she'll project ill intent onto you, no matter what you do.  Even if she initiated a break-up, she has a victim mindset and will blame you nonetheless, and she'll concoct some irrational rationale, too.  It may be that she LIKES arguing with you, because that way she gets your attention.  For her, negative attention is still attention.  If she's really vindictive, she might try to PUNISH you for making her feel bad, in a misguided attempt to make her feel better.  For pwBPD, her distorted thinking might make her believe that causing others pain will ease her own, or at the very least teach you a lesson, so that you get a sense of the pain that she's feeling.

You might be reminded to avoid JADE, which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain.  When someone with BPD gets riled up, their emotional brain overtakes them, and they can't think rationally.  If you JADE when they're like this, they feel misunderstood and get even angrier, and they can spin out of control.  Sometimes the "conversation" can devolve into a tantrum.  Cue the storming off and silent treatment for an extended period.  She'll never apologize, because in her mind, everything is your fault.  She's really insecure and she'll always think you like other women more, no matter how much you reassure her.

Just my two cents.

This is the repeating cycle - the hamster wheel -  and no doubt has happened in all of the five previous relationships she's been in. Sadly it doesn't change, no matter how much we think that we will be 'the one' who makes the difference.

BPD's excel at taking things out of context and especially creating whole fictitious stories around totally innocent actions. This is their insecurity. You talk to another girl, however innocently, or even get caught looking at someone in passing and a whole fantasy is then created by the BPD that you're up to no good.

It's totally draining to try and cope with this and make them see reason, because they simply can't see it. We can't control their thought processes and their own 'world'. You eventually realise that you're in a repeating cycle and nothing you do can change it. It took me four years to finally realise this; I'd hoped for a miracle change in her which never happened - in fact, she got worse.

As PeteWitsend says, it eventually comes down to choosing to remain in the cycle which, without professional treatment, will happen again and again or putting yourself first and letting go totally of what was a toxic relationship that didn't benefit anyone.

Well, first of all, you're trying to understand the thoughts of a disordered person, and because you have an "ordered mind" you're taking the things she says at face value, and trusting she means them, when in reality, it's anything but that.  Case in point, consider this part of the exchange:


So a second apart, she's saying she's not enough for you, but then claiming you want to be with her?  How could she be seriously thinking she's not enough for you, but then stating you want to be with her? 

After a while, I started to realize that pwBPD use conflict as a means to an end.  I.e. they're not interested in actually making sense and resolving anything, they're using their words as a club to beat you into submission.  The intent is to put you on the defensive and get you apologizing and confused over which end is up, so they can "rewrite" your memory and force you to accept the reality they want. 

This next exchange, GAH!  This brought back painful memories for me. 


I've been in two relationships like that, where I was trying to talk, and they'd take one word I said out of context and use that to derail the conversation.  It's insidious!  And it's so frustrating... it's the opposite of trying to "work things out."  I think, along the lines of what I was saying earlier, it's an attempt to keep you on your heels, and reacting to them, rather than zeroing in on what the hell their problem is, and why they can't articulate anything consistently.  If you do manage to ignore the attempts to derail the conversation and pin them down on the issue and their behavior, you'll likely see them escalate - e.g. interrupting what you're saying to start screaming at you more or less incoherently until you shut up, or they'll hang up, or run away.  You're never going to get them to admit their behavior was the problem.

You have two options here: ignore her (politely or impolitely, it doesn't  matter), or keep running on this hamster wheel everytime she reaches out or attempts a recycle.  But if you choose the latter, at least understand that it's not going to change.  "This time" is not going to be different.

I need to work on this.  It's tough sometimes when I hear something I wasn't expecting to hear, and be prepared to address it properly.  And I'm a better thinking after I've had time to mull something over.  Do you think it's fair to bring something up again later and say "I've been thinking about this, and..." or is it better to just wait for another opportunity to address it?  I don't want to seem like I'm harping on something, or bringing it up again, if they were happy to move on after getting it off their chest.

Hi Everyone,

I’m sharing my story because I need support, clarity, and connection with others who have experienced the chaos of loving someone with Cluster B traits. I want to be seen, heard, and understood, and I hope that by sharing my experience, others may recognize red flags and protect themselves before it’s too late.

I have only been married for less than two years, and the trouble started from the very beginning. I overlooked all the red flags because I truly love this man and believed that he truly loved me.

When I finally spoke to a therapist and described everything I’d been living through, he told me that my husband shows strong signs of Cluster B personality disorders — including Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality traits, Antisocial tendencies, and Histrionic traits. He also told me something that shattered me: that a person like this is incapable of feeling or giving real love.

Even after the therapist said this, I continued to be with him. From the very beginning, he had told me he had been sexually molested as a child and had endured great trauma. As someone who is naturally empathic, I felt deeply for him. I stayed not just because I wanted to help him, but because I loved him deeply, and I believed that he loved me deeply. I thought that through my care and support, I could help him — that I could show him love in a way that might heal some of the pain he carried. My empathy and love made me vulnerable, and he preyed on that vulnerability from day one.

The Secretive Nights and Disappearances

He regularly disappeared late at night and throughout entire weekends, claiming he was “working” or “on jobs.” He would vanish for hours, sometimes days, only returning in the early hours of the morning. And every time I asked where he was or requested his location, he turned it back on me — accusing me of being “controlling,” “insecure,” or “invading his privacy.”

Meanwhile, those were the nights and weekends he was out entertaining other women, booking accommodation for them at hotels, buying them gifts, gambling away the money that I worked for, and living an entirely separate life behind my back.


The Cycle: Sweet, Kind, Loving… Until I Said No

He had two personalities:
   1.   The sweet, loving, affectionate version — the one who appeared when he wanted money.
   2.   The monster — the one who emerged the second I questioned him, confronted him, or hesitated to give him money.

When the “kind” version didn’t work, he switched instantly into rage:
   •   He broke things.
   •   He screamed.
   •   He threatened to kill himself.
   •   He threatened to drive into a wall.
   •   He threatened to hurt himself until I gave in.

He emotionally blackmailed me every single time.

He accused me of cheating, even though I never gave him a reason to suspect anything. I now understand that this was always a deflection tactic — a way to shift the focus away from his lies, his actions, and his manipulation.


The Financial Exploitation

I am now in financial ruin because of him.

He constantly needed money — every day, sometimes multiple times a day. He always had a dramatic story to justify it:
   •   His life was in danger.
   •   Someone was coming after him.
   •   He owed dangerous people money.
   •   Someone was going to break his legs.
   •   Someone was going to kill him.

When I began to question these stories, suddenly he said MY life was in danger, and that he was trying to “protect” me. Anything to create panic. Anything to control me. Anything to force me to hand over more money.

And where did the money go?
Not to debts.
Not to emergencies.
Not to “jobs.”
Not to anything real.

It went to drugs, to gambling, or to meet and entertain his girlfriends.

He also stole my jewelry and valuables, along with many other things, to support his addictions and lifestyle — the drugs, the gambling, and the women. Nothing was sacred, nothing was off-limits. Everything I owned became a tool for his lies and manipulation.

The Disappearances After Getting Money

The pattern was always the same: the moment the money arrived, I didn’t hear from him again. Not a word until he needed more — which was almost every single day. He kept me on a leash of constant crises, always dangling some emergency, some danger, some threat, until I paid. Then he vanished again to gamble, to entertain other women, or to feed whatever addiction he was hiding. I only existed when he needed money. The rest of the time, I was ignored, lied to, and discarded.


The Betrayal

He swore he would never cheat on me because he claimed he had been cheated on in all his previous relationships. That was a lie.

There were other women.
There were hotels.
There were gifts.
There was even an OnlyFans video of him with another woman — and he still had the audacity to tell me “nothing happened.”

He also sold and pawned anything he could steal from me, including all my jewelry and valuables belonging to my parents.



His Public Image vs Reality

He wants everyone to think he’s:
   •   the good guy,
   •   the helpful rescuer,
   •   the man with money,
   •   the hero in everyone else’s story.

But behind closed doors, he is:
   •   a pathological liar,
   •   a manipulator,
   •   a gambler,
   •   a drug user and dealer,
   •   emotionally abusive,
   •   financially abusive,
   •   psychologically destructive.

He is the villain who pretends to be the hero.



Where I Am Now

I have taken out a protection order.
I am moving forward with divorce.

He has said that he will “never let me go.”

And I know exactly why:

Because without me, he loses his cash cow.
He loses his gambling money.
He loses the money he uses to impress and entertain other women.
He loses the financial supply he has drained from me since the beginning.

But I am done.
I am choosing myself now.
And I am telling my story because for the first time, I’m finally seeing him for what he is.

Mazie-
I am the daughter of a now deceased BPD mother (who lived up to an advanced age). I can relate to your emotional responses to your mother. Even with our own rational thinking, a connection to God, knowing that this is a mentally ill person, even with forgiveness for them- we have a response to what has been an unpredictable and at times, scary parent.

Therapy may not have helped your mother much but it can help you. Some therapies- like EMDR can help you work on your own emotional responses but if this isn't needed- being aware of them and learning some self care for them can help. 

For some people, no contact is the better decision, if contact is emotionally unsafe. In other situations, (the one I chose)- low contact - tolerating/managing some distress- is a choice. Low contact doesn't only mean not seeing them as much. It's also the content of the contact and being less emotionally reactive.

One of the pitfalls I learned is to avoid the "invitation" to discuss issues. Think of pwBPD as feeling like victims. These discussions inevitably trigger a dysregulation, as you have seen. While in a normal situation, airing out feelings can lead to better understanding- it just doesn't work in this situation.

It's difficult to accept limitations in a relationship with a parent. I think we will always want resolution and emotional closeness. We want our parents to think well of us. However, BPD tends to affect the closest relationships the most. Your mother may not be able to respond in the way you wish she would.

During her elder years, phone calls with my mother consisted of her telling me her own feelings, mostly of disappointment with caretakers, or medical people, sharing her own emotional pain. Keep in mind that if someone is overwhelmed with their own emotional distress- sharing anything about yourself- that you have autism, that you feel hurt by her behaviors- is likely to lead to them disreguating.  It's good to have a support system for yourself- with people who can be supportive if you are in contact with your mother. A therapist, friend, spouse is a safer person to share these with.

Feeling FOG- Fear, Obligation, Guilt- these are common. Although you are not responsible for your mother's feelings- her projections and blame lead to feeling that way. Make the decision on how much contact you have based on your own emotional well being. As I said- for some people it's just too much of an emotional toll, and others can manage some limited contact. It's an individual decision. It's hard to not feel guilty about not having contact- but work with a therapist, someone who can help you manage your feelings.

Hi Gary Thomas,

Another member here

I first found this site when my udd was 14yo and she is now 31yo, so yep Ive been here a while.

The support here is great as there are others here who truly get what you are going through, and honestly without it I think I would have truly gone insane a long time ago.

I dont have experience of ECT but I do have ample experience of the total chaos that can come with living with a pwbpd within the home.

I really hope that this treatment works for you and your family.

Here's the thing- a relationship is between two people who love each other and want a life together.  He's doing some work and you are seeing positive changes, which is all you could hope for.  My kid is BPD/bipolar as well and suspect the same for my ex- when they're happy, they're SOOOO happy and fun to be around.  The downside is reckless thinking...'let's jump over the couch to make the kids laugh' sort of thing...only to shatter the glass coffee table in the process.

You have a part to play as well and it might not be as abundantly clear since he won't verbalize it (because he literally can't).  First and foremost, he needs a partner that's on his side and supports him...and of course you do that.  Saying that to him though goes a vey long way in letting him know that the recent changes are welcome and you appreciate his hard work in therapy.

The other side of that is boundaries, which are for you. 

Boundaries are an easy thing to get wrong in the mental health world because we want to say, "Stop leaving the toilet seat up or else!"  And maybe we say that in a completely different way, but that's ultimately what the BPD in our lives hears regardless.  It comes off as a confrontational challenge that only makes things worse.

The right way to enforce healthy boundaries is when he crosses a line, speak about it directly and lay out the options.  For example, if he starts ranting and yelling, you could reply softly, calmly and say, "We've both had a tough day and I don't want to argue.  I'm going to go grab a drink and we can talk this out in a few minutes." 

This lets him calm down, it lets you refocus, and maybe the argument can be avoided.

But here's the other thing it does.  Every time he starts getting loud, you're telling him in a kind, non-confrontational way that you're stepping away for a few minutes.  And if it escalates, then maybe you bring the kids for ice cream or to visit grandma...that sort of thing. 

But whatever you do, you're making it known that he's fully in control- calm down, take a breath, and we'll talk.  Keep it up and I'm walking away because that's what is best for both of us right now.  It's him choosing every time, and you let him make that choice.

When it comes to odd looks and snide laughs, you need to decide if it's enough to make a boundary over.  For me, I'd just let it go, but sometimes it might not be possible.  It's something we'll always have to work though as we pick our battles and figure out how to express that they're acting like a child, yet we still love and support them.

I hope that helps!

Thanks for the response Pook, I really appreciate it!  The laugh is definitely more in line with your daughter, it is definitely not something nice that is going through his head. I have just let it slip without saying anything, with the exception of this past time as it was so strange and he was holding our daughter. This often accompanies the eye rolls, head shakes, etc…the issue is I often have no idea why he is doing all of this. I know it’s directed at me, because in the not so distant past, he would scream at me and make it known how mad he was because clearly I was cheating because “my hair was in a ponytail”, “I didn’t turn the light on in the laundry room when I did laundry at noon and there is a window in the laundry room”, “I wore a white tank top to work”, I went to work, etc. My tactic lately has been to pretty much ignore him and let him feel his feelings, but not respond, as I don’t want to even acknowledge the craziness. My h definitely has some sort of bipolar on top of the BPD, as he has his manic phases as well, where he is completely crazy, chasing the kids around the house, tickling them, eating a complete package of Oreos, candy bars and any other cookies in the house, not sleeping, etc. He is in DBT therapy and a mandatory DV therapy. I work on my part daily, but have started to notice myself getting frustrated more lately. Yes, things are better since he isn’t yelling at me or the kids, but the hard part is the crazy judgment is still there and coming oit is strange ways.

You're absolutely right. It's more so, I would have loved to be there with her. For her to show me her city, her favourite places. Make memories. Now she'll do it, but not with me... I'll never *truly* move on, I just know myself. The fact that I threw away a story like this will stay with me forever, because I was 100% the reason we broke up, but then on top of all my guilt, she did this to me, if I could go back in time, consciously, I would avoid meeting her. I'd rather live a full life never knowing this kind of love, never having a connection this deeper again over ruining it and basically getting emotionally cheated on, by the same woman in whose arms I wanted to die. I could go on and on just typing whatever, but the truth is that I can't take it, and don't know how else to put it. Not sure how to cope. Just knowing I was the only guy in the world for her to essentially not even being a memory is too much for me to take. I've had a lot of flings, less relationships because I need a genuine connection and depth to even just talk to someone, but even in my happiest relationships this one was ALWAYS on my mind. Went out with some friends tonight, stayed out until 3 AM, around 2 AM I started thinking about her and couldn't stop. I come home and cry because she's not here with me. I'm pathetic, I feel pathetic and lost. I moved on so easily from other relationship, including deep ones where I really liked the girl, so why can't I do it now??