I wonder if your family senses something is "off" with your H, and he senses they do and so avoids them? Have they said anything about him to you? I don't know if it's a good idea to discuss this with them. It would not have gone well in my family and if BPD mother found out, it would have been a crisis, so I wouldn't in my situation.

This may be just a wild guess (and we here can't know for sure) but do you think your H may be on the spectrum? High functioning people on the spectrum can be shy and introverted, and have anxiety in social situations. Some of the behaviors are similar to BPD- people in the spectrum can have anxiety, "mask" in social situations, and have a need for routine, similar to OCD, and focused interests. They can also have anger outbursts when feeling overwhelmed. If he's been diagnosed as BPD I could be way off with this, but reading your posts about him having discomfort and sensory overload with your large family and the statement he "had enough people time"- I wondered.

While BPD mother didn't like my father's family, her social persona was charming and socially savvy. She could be manipulative and also lie to get her needs met, something not usual to someone on the spectrum. Still, she would often back out of social situations at times, and then at other times, seem to want to socialize.

I suppose it's possible to have some of both BPD and ASD- ASD isn't a PD but people are complicated. The reason I brought up the idea is your H's anxiety about being around your family and him being introverted and shy. For ASD, it's more about social difficulty than BPD thinking.

is this reaction where a person wants help, acts helpless and when people finally offer to help that person has so many requirements and then the person pulls the handbrake everytime we're rolling just a tiny bit, is that in any way, shape or form connected to BPD, or is it just another trait that just deflates my energy to help?

All best and thanks

Hiya, Elderly mom, not diagnosed, but in several posts back in time, it sounds much like it.

I'm her son. She's alone, and I have done lots for her, since my dad died.  Now she's very appealing about the old carpet in the living room she want changed.

Normally I help only so much, that she can have succes with the project, bc she has huge standards especially around home decorations, and the same time, at the same time  she's acting very appealing and helpless, so I have to question her into how she want the process.

Actually, I couldn't care less how the process is run and by whom, so I just try to remember what she says she want and don't want and then make a plan from that.

The living room wall-to-wall carpet is 40 yo and it gives her lots of allergies, because 40 years of dust lies deep within it. That's fair enough. Now I have interviewed her about what carpet she want and I found out who she want to buy it from, and I've promised to drop by the days the carpet guys are visiting. That's ok by me too.

But when we're going to set an exact date to start this project, she takes a very negative attitude, and when I suggest a month, it couldn't have been worse for her.

She's in her late 80s and has nothing she has to do. Every day is an empty retirement day for her. But when I suggest a date, she always wanna postpone it. if we talk about it at fall, it can't be done before Christmas, after New Year it has to be in the spring, and now in the summer I suggested doing it: remove the furniture for her together with the carpet-people and kind of getting it over with, so she doesn't have to go through the summer thinking so much about it. And she does. She sees everything that could possible go wrong. So after finally sketching a carpet-change-plan with her, she reacts like I'm pressing her into something she absolutely don't want. And I mean, it was her idea alone.

So now the new carpet is postponed to late summer or fall, not the best time, because at summer we can move some of the furniture out door, while the guys put on the carpet. but no.

She does this with everything that has to planned, and where I as her son of cource wanna help her out. So I kind of have to progress every plan in micros steps, hoping that she don't reach her limit, where she want the project postponed or halted.  I already can see the circus when summer gives place to fall, bc that's when she wants a new telly. And that could take some time to learn all the new menues in a new smart TV, where she's used to a year 2000 telly.

is this reaction connected to BPD:  where a person wants help, acts helpless and when people finally offer to help that person has so many requirements and pulls the handbrake everytime we're rolling just a tiny bit? Is that in any way, shape or form connected to BPD, or is it just another trait that just deflates my energy every time I wanna help her?

I'll just mention that I don't do everything she wants in her old house. I did that for years, but now I ask her in a nice way if she can book a local electrician, carpenter, gardener etc.  But she is 88 and is becoming a little scared of having new people in her home, and I can understand that part, when your elderly and can't walk proporly.

All best and thanks