I completely agree. But I think it is healthy to ask questions about yourself and your own behaviour.

I’m not even comfortable saying for sure that my ex has bpd as she is not diagnosed. Although from her behaviour and from how I’ve been told I have been treated by her from people on the outside looking in clearly she has some disorder or problem. Her sister has always said she is never happy, nothing is ever enough so she fits the bottomless pit analogy.

I mentioned at the start of this thread about the client that refuses to go to her salon because of the toxic behaviour. Yesterday evening I was at a local festival and got a tap on the shoulder, I turned round and was given a big hug by another of my ex’s clients that I haven’t seen for a couple of years. She then started telling me that she no longer goes to the salon, again because of toxic behaviour there. So I think the mask is starting to slip and people are beginning to realise that everything isn’t quite as it seems with her.

While you've received some great advice on the marriage/divorce/custody stuff, I want to take a different approach and focus solely on you for a moment.  What's best for Jack today?

You might say, to have your kids back.  Okay, I completely understand...but that's not in the card for today.  That's not a possibility until you go through several additional steps mandated by the courts.  So that's not where we start or devote all our energy.  What's actually best for Jack today?

In my opinion, you need work and you need a stable home.  There's no way to eventually get the kids back without those two things.  You also need to deal with the trama you've gone through and learn from it so history never repeats itself.

It's easy to see yourself as a victim and the stuff that happened is terrible.  That's all past tense though and we can't change any of it, so it shouldn't be your focus.  All you can actually do is focus on what's best for Jack today.

Therapy, work, stable home.  Those should be the top three priorities.  Everything else is just pulling you away from those three things that will eventually bring your children back.  Hopefully that makes sense.

Think about it this way.  You're walking through the grass and come across a rattlesnake.  Or heck, let's say a den of rattlesnakes, they're suddenly all around you.

So you tell the rattlesnakes that you have a boundary; they're not allowed to bite you or scare you.

Does it work?  Probably not.  They're just going to keep being snakes.

A boundary is for you, and only you can enforce the boundary.  It doesn't take anyone else's participation.

In the snake scenario, your boundary is to not mess with poisonous snakes, so you slowly back away.  That's all you can do because the snake is not going to listen to reason.  And with your BPD, you can only do the exact same thing.  Ask nicely and then withdraw.

If the boundary "doesn't work", then you're relying on someone else to enforce your boundary.

One last thing; don't think of a boundary as a "punishment".  It's giving someone else a choice.  Respect that I'm not going to talk about that/do the thing you want me to do/whatever or I'm stepping away.  The other person is the one making all the desicions, not you, so there's nothing to feel guilty about and there's no reason to stick around and listen to blame-shifting.

Maybe that means the relationship needs to end for awhile, and maybe that means you cut that person off entirely.  That's the only way the boundary starts to make sense to them.

Hi Jack,

I'm sorry for your predicament.  I hope you can find some solace here.

It's unfortunate that you had a single violent episode and that you're separated from your kids right now.  In my extended family, my undiagnosed NPD brother-in-law violently attacked his wife (my sister), which resulted in police intervention and a restraining order.  My sister was so distraught and overcome by years-long tensions with his NPD dysfunction that immediately after the fight, she fled the marital home with her three young children.  Like a prior poster wrote, since the physical violence was not directed towards the kids, the disordered NPD father was eventually allowed parenting time with his children.  This is despite the fact that he made zero effort to see them or communicate with them (for example by phone or Zoom) for months after the restraining order lapsed.  In other words, it seems that one violent episode between adults does not necessarily impact parental rights.  I think that's because courts generally view that both parents are important for a child's development, and the guiding principle is the "best interests of the child."

My advice?  Unless you are expressly prohibited from communicating with your ex or from seeing the children, you can start working now to have the opportunity to see them again.  I'd say you should consult a lawyer about this.  Maybe you do some therapy.  Maybe you take a parenting skills class.  You start making efforts to see your kids again.  You have parental rights, after all.

And now more about you.  Many people who are here, are here because they have been traumatized by living with someone with BPD.  We get it.  We've been emotionally exhausted, confused, financially drained, controlled, isolated, blamed, manipulated, abused.  It's hard for the outside world to understand how perverse the BPD/NPD behaviors can be.  You might wonder, how can a physically smaller female terrorize you so much?  You might have some PTSD.  You might start to doubt yourself.  You wonder, how did you get here, how did you let this happen to yourself?  My advice is, don't beat yourself up too much.  You start to take care of yourself, and that starts TODAY, with a baby step.  You deserve to be happy, you are worth it.  And your kids need you, probably more than ever.  Your life isn't over.  In fact, there's a good chance your life will get better, maybe much more so, now that you're facing an inflection point.

What does self-care look like?  I think it depends on the person.  For me, it involves a combination of eating right, regular exercise (ideally outdoors), regular sleep and some time with friends and hobbies.  When I was living with my disordered pwBPD, I took many walks, just to keep calm, get some distance and help clear my head.  I have a few friends who are impacted by mental illness in loved ones, and they have been a great support to me at different times.  This community helps, too.

I'd recommend to start with just one baby step today.  Maybe you start the day with a nutritious breakfast.  Maybe you do a set of push-ups, sit-ups and lunges in the morning.  Maybe you make the bed.  Maybe you drink a tall glass of water in the morning sunshine.  Maybe you take a short stroll after breakfast and dinner.  Does that sound doable?  

Can you do a bit of multitasking?  That is, can you focus on recovery for yourself as well as also restoring your parenting?

The reason I don't want you to retreat from parenting is because the longer the children are apart from you, the harder it will be for you to get a good parenting schedule from the court.  As I wrote before, you want as good as possible a parenting time schedule in your earliest orders.  Once a lousy order is in place it's much harder for a father to undo it.

Back to my experience... Though my newly separated spouse was facing a Threat of DV case in one court she rushed to family court to file a petition for a protection order to block my parenting.  So for two weeks I had no contact whatsoever with my preschooler until we appeared for a joint hearing with the magistrate.  The CPS investigator briefly interviewed me and he stood up in court and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  The magistrate promptly removed our son from her protection petition and set a parenting schedule.  Unfortunately, he used their typical mother-friendly format where I only got alternate weekends and an evening in between.  I lived with that order until the divorce's final decree.  Each time I returned to court, my order got better until finally we had an order that worked (8 years later).

That's why I encourage you to not neglect restoring your parenting time.  Apparently you don't have any orders respecting the children and parenting, right?  Well, lacking a court order specifying a schedule, you're probably stuck in a no-man's land where you have "equal but undefined" rights as a parent.  If your ex opposes you having time with the kids - she will likely be uncooperative since you have a no contact order - then the police will step back and tell you to go to court to get a specific parenting time order.  Be patient - use that time to work on yourself - while the court starts that slow process.

Remember, you cannot contact her in any way while that FVIO is in effect.  However, if you have a lawyer or advocate, they can do what you're unable to do.  And in the hearing room before "peace officers" or the judge, they may relay your request for time with the kids.

That's pretty funny!  Be careful what you wish for.

There's the joke where the man and his wife are both 60. The man wishes for a woman 30 years younger than he is. Poof!  He's 90.

This is correct- as children growing up with a BPD parent, it has an effect, and yet, how much of one can vary, and other factors can help to mitigate the effects- maybe not completely eliminate them but mitigate.

One is to have a stable parent, and this can be a challenge as being a partner to a pwBPD can have unique demands and each situation- remaining together or to not be- still has some challenges with regards to parenting.

This is why taking care of yourself - will help you and your children. It may feel counterintutive- as if you should sacrifice your needs for them and in some ways, parenting requires this - for instance, we give up our sleep to get up with a crying baby- but also to balance this with rest, because a chronically stressed and exhausted parent may not be fully emotionally present for the child. On a plane, they say put your oxygen mask on first.

While in the moment, your situation feels like a catastrophe, it's also a situation where you can focus on yourself and your own emotional and financial recovery- and so be in a position to gain back parental rights. What is good for you at the moment is also going to be good for your kids. You are truly worth this investment in yourself, and so are they. Yes, we kids have had a lot of counseling but- we also had stable adults in our lives and I believe that made a positive difference. You can make a difference.

It sounds like you have hit rock bottom. The advantage of hitting rock bottom can be that you likely have not anywhere to go but up. It can be one step ahead at a time with some regression from time to time yet eventually you will be getting ahead if you keep working on improving your self esteem and taking positive steps forward. Do read other threads on this site, as many members have been in similar situations like yours and are now in much better situations.