I completely understand.  In your case (and everyone's, really), your partner was/is sick and not realizing how much chaos they're creating around them.  Why?  Because their focus is inward, on the mental health that's crushing them at every turn.  It deserves sympathy and compassion for sure, but at the same time that doesn't mean we need to remain in the middle of the storm with them.

Looking back, I had no idea how much my relationship had changed over the years and how much of my life I spent waiting on things to feel normal again.  The answer now is so clear- it would never have been normal without some serious work on both our parts. 

I couldn't do that work alone though, we both had to contribute equally to have a solid relationship.  And my ex just wasn't capable then.  I hope things are better now, but I wouldn't know because that's not the center of my world anymore.  The storm has truly passed.

You'll feel differently in time- sometimes you'll go back to "what ifs", other times you'll be angry or sad.  And that's fine, feel the emotions and process them.  That's how we learn to truly let go and move on to the next thing.

With my BPD ex, she never saw a problem in herself so it never got that far.  With my BPD daughter, however, it made a major difference once she was committed to bettering herself and actually growing from those experiences.  It was so much hard work on her part to face reality, but once her mindset started to shift so did our relationship.

And with my BPD ex, although we didn't reconcile, I used what I learned on this site to dramatically improve our relationship.  I made it known that I love her and support her, and that we have to be bigger than what happened because we are parents.  Even though our kids are grown, we still have to be adults and work together to do what's best for the kids in every situation. 

That shifted my ex's mindset and mine as well.  I could blame her for doing some horrible things, or I could let it go and put our relationship first.  That's what actually matters and it moved us away from the common bickering about dumb things.  Why?  Because my ex realized that I truly have her back and I'll stand for her no matter what.

That's the whole sickness of BPD, fracturing relationships and seeing no way back from it.  So while she couldn't do it, I realized that I actually could- I could forgive her and let go of the past.  I could stop judging her and just love her.  And in my case, that's not romantic love...but what you'd do for a sibling or close friend.  You show up when it matters with kindness and compassion, that's about 90% of the battle.

My dad was one of life's optimists, a placid good guy and I think that must have been a good counterbalance for her behaviour - I was always more frightened of her when I as a child when my dad was away in business because her mood would always turn! Funny thing is she has a blazing argument with my brother the other day and said that we kids used to beat her up! She remembers made my brother ill with stress recently!

Anyway she always kinds of pulls us back in when she realises she's gone too far and my brother and I were invited for lunch yesterday. I of course had to hear her extremely venomous version of what happened between her and my brother before he arrived. 

She doesn't like sitting outside when it's warm so it was nice that she wanted to yesterday but it was a weird experience in itself because I knew she had stripped a number of rooms if the house of all the furniture and everything in it but walking through the empty dining room and sun room to get to the garden was still shocking - my dad loved the sun room and it's like she's got rid of every trace of him! She even gave the fireplace away from in there that a future buyer of her house would have to replace! The garden was bare, it was my dad's pride and joy but the summerhouse, wooden furniture, ornaments and statues all gone! Not even one of his bird boxes left. This is where it also gets really chilling, my brother came whilst she was inside and he showed paving stones in the garden that she had carved "DEATH" in to several times! She had showed him them the day before on his birthday! What is she trying to achieve by doing that!

She had a rant that her doctors have now started refusing to prescribe her Lorazepam and Diazepams anymore - alcohol abuse ABC suicidality will do that! She laboured the point three times that she's been on them for 46 years - I'm 46 so I'd that a loaded dig to blame me being born for how she is.

You get the caring mum moments but the dark, evil.twin keeps coming out and makes every visit hard!

Globe Trotter Girl-

Understanding what was going on with my BPD mother after my father passed was confusing because, sometimes the "reason" for the pwBPD's acting out- or the reason they say, isn't the actual reason. PwBPD have difficulty managing emotions- and perceive them as coming from someone or something else, rather than their own emotions- projection- or look to an external way to relieve them, like acting out, raging, etc.

We knew my father had been in the role of emotional caretaker, and did a lot for her but we didn't know all of the extent of that. We had been concerned about how she would manage on her own and it appeared to us at first, and extended family that she was managing OK. She kept her personal life and decisions secret from us, so we didn't truly know what was going on with her.

It took a long time to understand that my BPD mother had emotional difficulty being alone with herself-beyond just being lonely at times. She had friends and social opportunities but that wasn't the same kind of dynamic as with my father. She didn't express that but instead had behaviors that drew attention to her. When she was alone, she'd get very anxious and stressed. I think that my father did a lot to manage this. He met a lot of her emotional needs.

What may be happening with your mother is that your father did this too, and without that, she's acting out in ways to attain the kind of attention she had with him- albeit in dysfunctional ways. I don't suggest you become emotional caretakers/enablers and you need boundaries to protect your own emotional well being. It's to understand that the dynamic between your parents- even if it was dysfunctional, worked, somehow, for her in a way.

This is a challenging situation. In the US, elder care is not covered by Medicare. Most elder assistance is either self pay or provided by family. Medicaid will cover a skilled nursing home if the person qualifies financially.  Need is based on physical needs- like mobility, cognition. BPD mother's emotional needs exceeded her physical ones, and so were less likely to be apparent. Your system may be different but I think may be still measuring need by physical needs.

I don't have a solution- but it did help to not see this as personal but a part of the disorder. This didn't completely change the feelings- BPD mother could be hurtful. I don't think it's possible to be completely detached from this. It's possible your mother was more dependent on your father than anyone realized.

Just to echo CC43, I also stick to not giving my mum the reactions she wants especially when she is trying to play me off against my brother and aunt. Not that it deters her from being venomous and hoping to lure me in though! They are such mentally exhausting people when they have bpd!

I have so much empathy for your situation as we are going through a bad time with my uBPD mum, the longest and worst episode of behaviour we've had from her in the 9 years since my dad died. She is worryingly delusional and has her own version of reality and the things she thinks people have done to wrong her. She's very difficult to have much communication with right now and destructive to our well-being.

Pook, your emphasis on the reality of the here and now is always very grounding. Thank you.

I also appreciate your focus on not just evaluating a relationship once then setting things in stone, but re-evaluating as more things happen and new information comes to like. My former partner was incredibly sweet, conscientious and loving, until he wasn't. Rather than clinging to the memory of the past, it's really helpful to ask myself, 'What do you know *now*? You know this person is capable of acting as a cruel, manipulative liar. Where do you want to be in relation to that?'

The answer is far, far away.

My husband has been in pain for a while,  since our second child was born 3.5 years ago. Our relationship has suffered. He feels like I don’t care about him and he is unable to get things done. He feels like his life is being wasted and I don’t care about him enough to notice and help. I am not sure how I can help him. I have been trying to help by setting time aside to just focus on him, which is hard with kids. And he frequently just pushes me away then, fights and so on. When he is upset he starts berating me on chat. I feel like I must respond or else he will feel abandoned and he is derailing a bunch of my job commitments this way. He frequently says he wants a divorce. I am not sure if he has BPD but it feels like a fit. He has an adhd diagnosis and when he takes his meds he is better but still not great. My confidence is being destroyed and my parenting is suffering. He is good with the kids, spends an hour in the evening with them reading books. But I do everything else: getting them to school, doctors appointments, groceries, cooking, laundry, soccer, gymnastics. It really feel like he is in pain but he gets so angry that I don’t give the attention and help he expects and feels unloved and then justified to be quite cruel to me. I don’t know what to do. Any boundaries I have tried to set he has annihilated. Maybe I am doing it wrong. I feel like I am out of ideas.

DBT is a good thing.  Too often a person with Borderline traits has too much Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting to start therapy sessions.  It is even harder for them to continue them.  And it is important that they do more than attend, diligently applying the skills and insights into their lives, thinking and perceptions is crucial.  It take time to see progress.  Therapy often takes years, for many it is a life-long journey.

If you would have asked first, we would have replied that it is generally not helpful to share a diagnostic label as a reason for therapy.  As you discovered, it often triggers overreactions.  But what's done is done.  Perhaps you could minimize what got said but I don't know if that would help or not.

I had been married for over 15 years but if my ex would have started therapy, I would have been willing to start therapy with her too, though it would have had to have been individual and not joint therapy.  But she refused the concept of therapy, as far as I know, to this day.

Thank you both for sharing and your insight.  Yesterday it actually came to a head.  Because I was holding boundaries and avoiding getting into arguments that aren’t meant to be arguments in my opinion. I shared with her that I was proud with her doing DBT and know it is hard, because I know what the diagnosis' it treats, which lead to her asking what I thought she had and I said BPD and who I have talked to about it and shared I had with my sisters and mother.  She felt betrayed and her “reputation tarnished,” because of how stigmatizing the diagnosis is.  We had an impromptu talk this morning which I kept calm and she kept civil, but could see the shifts of anger, guilt, sadness, placing blame somewhere else.  I reaffirmed that she has been making progress and I myself am still working on myself to build up my self esteem and not to be afraid of her and walk on eggshells.  She does go into the black and white thinking that the relationship with my family is broken and can’t be fixed with my family so our relationship is over.  I did persist to her chagrin that things can be fixed and that why cant we just look at this in the gray as a hard time in our marriage.  I have put in hope with her actually seeking the treatment she needs.  I do feel that I can’t trust her at this time and have made some preparations for the worst.  I also know it will get worse before it gets better with me holding boundaries and not feeding into her unhealthy behavior.  For anyone out there did they see any positives with a spouse going to DBT?