it's like babyproofing for a child with the skills/abilities of a smart adult. My ex was intelligent and outwardly seemed quite put together in public. Everything causes a rage, everything. What was adored and loved yesterday is now a reason to scream today. I never understood it at all. My favorite thing to tell people is 'unless you've lived through it, you have no idea how bad it is and how it actually changes you'.

the whole differing opinions thing is hard. I never really knew how to argue with my ex. I of course had my complaints and concerns that every single person and therapist I've shared with agreed on, but that's where it stopped really. I will say I did grow to get more and more offensive as the years went on. I would entertain those hours long arguments where I'd just disagree the whole time. Unsure if I'm justifying an issue in me, but I just got so beat down by every single thing I did being an issue. Every other day or more was 'can we talk?'...that phrase would just shut me down. I had a hard time empathizing as well, in that I could not see how some things needed to be an argument, so even saying the words 'I can see how you feel that way' got really hard to say. Like you it's easier for me to just nod my head, listen, apologize for whatever and then try to move on.

I'm in a spot where I don't feel comfortable enough to have differing opinions on most tings. It simmply is not worth the conflict it causes. I've  become alot more quiet becaus I don't wish to go down that road yet again. It's best just not to say anything at all then be called names and told about all the reasons i am wrong,

This hit hard. Its a bit like babyproofing isn't it. You look all round the room and see where the baby could get hurt or into tounble. Only now I do it for pwBPD. what could cause a rage here? the amt of time ive spent mentaly debating over the tiniest, most pointless things would be unbelievable to anyone who has not had a loved one with Bpd. 

Hi @Deadhead4420 ,

I can see you got excellent advice there. But I'd like to add one thing.

I have had 4 stable relationships with women that had mental health issues and had kids with 3 of them. This sums up to 30 years of experience, not counting my own mother. I have also been in relationships with mentally healthy women, so I understand the distinction. So I think I can predict something about your situation.

From what I understood, you were expecting her to move in to your place.

Your existence in her life is already something that can motivate her to improve. And if she didn't have BPD, then things wouldn't be so complicated. However, because of BPD and the drug combination, I think living together just can't work at the moment. She will have to get sober and find treatment and improve first before it works for both of you to live together. That's my advice.

A relationship can certainly help one to get sober, if it's healthy, and it may encourage her to adhere to a treatment for BPD as well. But not if you are too close. If the state of the pwBPD is too bad, then living together is not recommended and will backfire, destroying the relationship and creating more traumas. Unless you wait for her to improve significantly (which may take years). The patience of waiting in the beginning while focusing on the treatments may be the recipe for having a lifelong successful relationship. Think about it like you were collecting resources to buy a house for both of you.

I sounds like both of you are struggling in your own ways. I agree with you having control over the finances, as finances are essential for the whole family to have their basic needs met. Controlling food/supplements is problematic- unless you are there to supervise her 24/7 which you may be doing to some extent but even so, it's difficult to enforce with another adult.

As a disclaimer, I only know one "case" and as you know that isn't applicable to all. My BPD mother's issues with BPD did not improve with age. From what I could tell with my father, there may have been an improvement in manageability past 40, but that may have been for him, not with changes in her. After 40, we kids were teens and soon after that were out of the house. He didn't have the parenting tasks he did with younger children and had more relative freedom. Having the empty nest may have been less stressful for BPD mother, so perhaps it appears at times that BPD gets better with age. With my mother though, it seemed to vary according to how stressful (or not) the circumstances were.

Yikes! pook....oh...yikes! well....I took her off my car insurance (that was a tough one....I saw the bill...she has a 2021 car....I have a 2014!  it was a $163 DIFFERENCE!) (hard to believe I have a therapist, !) thank you, ladies! I was talking to a co-worker, who has some of these issues (go figure!) it is mind-boggling, these are children, we RAISED

Hi there,

You sound like an extremely compassionate spouse, and that you're really trying to help keep everything on an even keel.  I think you're on the right track emphasizing healthy habits, such as clean eating and taking medications as prescribed, because feeling good and maintaining healthy routines can help reduce stress.  I'd add that regular exercise and regular sleep schedules can help as well.  I think pwBPD don't react well to stressful situations, so maintaining a healthy routine which emphasizes self-care not only increases predictibility, but also has a calming effect.

Even so, pwBPD tend to have negative thinking patterns that can be pernicious.  I think they basically feel traumatized all the time.  It's as if their system is primed for a trauma-like response of fight or flight, even in ordinary situations.  Maybe their adverse childhood experiences "triggered" this trauma response.  But sometimes, I suspect they are just wired that way.  Their brains will ruminate about negative experiences, and sometimes "re-write" history to portray themselves as victims of lifelong traumas.  Sometimes I wonder if the stories of childhood abuse are even true.  While the underlying feelings might be real, I'm just not sure the facts are.  I'm not saying your wife wasn't traumatized, and I'm truly sorry if she was.  I'm just pointing out that the BPD brain might be wired to perceive things as trauma which you or I wouldn't consider trauma.  As a case in point, I think you wrote that your wife describes all her previous relationships as abusive/negative/traumatic.  My guess is that SHE's the abusive one, and that her stories are probably distorted, maybe even projections of her own abusive behavior.  You see, a hallmark of BPD is disordered thinking which worsens under pressure.  My opinion is that the farther back in time your wife goes to dredge up trauma(s), the more fearful she is of the future.  If she's constantly dredging up the past as an explanation/excuse for her current failure(s), she really needs therapy in my opinion.  And my opinion is that "talk therapy" might not be the best for pwBPD, because constantly dwelling on those negative feelings to find better "insights" might only serve to agitate them even more?  I'm thinking DBT/CBT is probably better, i.e. a skills-based approach to manage stress, impulse control, conflict resolution, etc.

You ask, can you stop someone from being a bully?  I don't think you can prevent it, but you can protect yourself.  Once I read that you should stand up to a bully and tell them to Stop.  That might be followed by an explanation (You're hurting me, it's completely inappropriate).  But I think that's the conventional approach which doesn't always work with BPD traits in my opinion, because they are seekers of drama and acting purely out of emotions; they don't respond to logic.  They crave a reaction (typically a fight), even if it's a negative reaction.  I find that the gray rock approach works better--remaining as calm, still and boring as a gray rock, and silently escaping if possible.  If they follow me outside/to another room, I might make a little excuse, like I have to go to the bathroom.  Typically, if I remain calm and give them an "adult time out," they get some time and space to calm themselves down.  Maybe they need a few minutes, or maybe a few hours, but time passing can be an ally.  Basically, my advice is, don't add emotional fuel to the fire, try to remain calm, and hope that some of your calmness will rub off.  Try not to interrupt the time out if you can.

But it sounds to me like your spouse has a lot of anger.  The pwBPD in my life also has unresolved, pent-up anger.  She is  prone to rages and lashes out from time to time.  When she lashes out, I take it as a sure sign that something in her life isn't going as she wanted.  Having said that, since she has gotten therapy for BPD, she has learned to control her rages better.  Nevertheless, the consistent theme is one of victimhood and blame.  She tends to blame others close to her for all her problems.  Why?  Because she can't bear to admit that her own choices are the reason for her distress.  In other words, the "reasons" for her rage are typically projections and deflections from her real problems.  I don't think there's anything I can do to help her when she's in a negative state like that.  I have to wait until she has calmed down and is willing to talk with me.  Then, all I can really do is be reassuring, and maybe try to nudge her in a more positive direction.

However, if your wife is being physically abusive, I think you shouldn't tolerate that, because she takes it as a sign that it's OK, and she's likely to escalate.  I think you call the police if she's violent/destructive to property or making credible threats.

That's something to work on in 2026- you don't owe your daughter anything.  You're responsible for you only.  She's responsible for her and she's chosen this space.  You must accept that and let it all go.

I know it's not easy, but you're punishing yourself over something you have zero control over.

Hey @ForeverDad ,


Like I said, about the same thing happened to me with my first wife and then with my second wife, and now it could be happening with my third wife, but it's not quite. Because now I have understood the nutritional deficiencies behind the postpartum deterioration. Btw, I had 2 kids with each, so I'm the father of 6.


At this point I'm not trying to manage the marriage anymore. I'm just trying to manage her behavior, her mental health, and the living-together situation.


Yes, I do get her cooperation when she is not out of control, in most aspects at least. For instance, I can guarantee you that she will try DBT as soon as I schedule it for her, and she will also continue with EMDR (she is actually going to a session right now).

This relationship has always been the most solid one with the strongest bond, and that makes it somewhat healthier, because there is a lot of mutual trust and taking care of each other, despite all of the bad stuff. For instance, sometimes I get a food-triggered migraine, and as she sees my pain, she begs me to take Tylenol so that I stop suffering. If I get a fever, she has the same reaction as if it were one of our kids and even cries. Previous wives didn't worry that much about me. It may be hard to understand how someone like that can be a bully, but I guess that splitting explains it.


Yes, she has made progress, at least in her general mental health. After the story that I told above about the sleep masks, I had to rent a wheelchair so that she could get out of home with us. Then I bought a compact electric scooter. And currently she uses just a pair of crutches or just the stroller. Sometimes she walks a few steps without anything to hold. Notice that when she is alone, she can walk perfectly normally, because this is just a specific phobia that resulted from a trauma.

The only thing that hasn't improved is her BPD symptoms, particularly her aggression, which has been getting worse and is too much for me again. But that was expected since she gave labor again a couple of months ago. I told her before labor that her aggressiveness would worsen, and it did.

Part of this is because she does sometimes rage for many days and does not take any supplements during this period. Another reason is that over time she has felt more and more secure about the relationship status. I mean, she does say that it's clear that the relationship won't last for long, but she does not have any imminent fear of losing it immediately.


I don't expect that time alone will improve her BPD at all. I actually can't handle it anymore right now. So I need a quick game changer. I have been working on some ideas related to motivation, which I'll post separately.

PS: Many say that pwBPD tend to improve after their 40s, but it's arguable that they don't improve; they just start to have less energy to invest in the drama.