Recently, I found myself despairing about how sad I was and a friend told me, "It's ok to be sad."  It got me thinking about all the awful realities people have to carry around with them.  I wish it wasn't that way but it is.  And it seems that just "accepting" that fact took some of the sadness away from me.  I'm less sad overall and I'm less sad about being sad.  I also know that grief doesn't leave you, but it does get less frequent (and sometimes less intense), and that's improvement, I'd say.

I sympathize and empathize and hope you can find a path forward.

Jackie40, that is definitely familiar.  Interestingly, I see some small recovery from that now happening as part of my larger movement to focus on taking care of myself -- recognizing not only that that's all I can control, but that I have a right to do it.

And the truth is, even if our parents were not as fair as they might have been (not saying they weren't, but even if), that is not our fault and it certainly can't be changed now.  We all have to deal with the hand we've been dealt -- with compassion for ourselves and for others, of course -- but it is what it is.

First of all, consider: what do you want?  To continue caretaking her?  I assume the status quo isn't working for you, or you wouldn't be here.  Do you want to find a way to leave her and find someone who could consider your own needs as well as her own?  Do you just want to find a better way to continue to live with her? 

It's okay to feel physical desire for someone (it sounds like that's all this was for you, since you're talking about her appearance).  Just keep some mental perspective on why it wouldn't be what you're expecting it could be again.  Use your brain to keep your body in check, and don't beat yourself up about your feelings; consider why you're having them and realize we're all human, and you're not a loser for having them.

If missing her after nearly 2 years makes you an idiot then I dread to think what I am, as I still miss and think about my BPDex from 38 years ago

I didn't think about her that much for most of my life since our final breakup, but this past 5 year she really has come back into my mind big time. Maybe it's because I'm a lot older now and am thinking the 'what might have been' part of my past life. The fact she lives only 2 miles from me doesn't help either.

We'll never truly forget them because our relationship with them was unlike any other. The good times we did have with them can come back and trigger us at any time.. a memory, a song, etc.

Sadly, the human brain has no 'delete' option, just a 'file right at the back of the cabinet and try not to open the cabinet' option. It's the best we're going to get.

I know it's bad. I am a mess. It was less about sex drive and more just that I do have feelings for him still and everything was so heightened. We connected so intensely in that moment and I should have not even gone over there but I did.

I can relate to this very much - the better things have gone for me, the more have I felt that I have needed to tone it down, and not 'rub it in anyone's face'. This started in childhood, the feeling of needing to hold back to not step on her toes. As children, I was ambitious in a way that she wasn't, and her interpretation of this has been that I was luckier.

She's so convinced that I got the better end of the deal in all ways, that I was the favourite, etc. and there's nothing I can do to change that. So then the guilt comes in instead.

I’m not even actively grieving. Today was fine. Maybe I’m so far removed from any semblance of her existence, that when I see she’s still real, I go into “flight” mode. If anything, a need to be appreciated, wanted and useful? But then again I get that cup filled with work and family. I truly know if I didn’t exist a couple of people, my parents, possibly wouldn’t be alive still given their health issues, and my knowledge of healthcare given my job.

That my work service wouldn’t be as functional, have bad findings with the federal government. Everyone is replaceable but dang it if I’m not very valuable and leveraged to other hospitals across the nation. I’m “special” in that way.

With therapy, I think, given my mindset and personal goals…I’ve lived life in reverse. Most people look to build toward a home, job, cars, security, health, etc. but they usually end up starting a family and achieve those things a bit later in life.

For me, I wanted a wife and family first. Then to evolve into a full fledged adult. My ex was the only person I’ve dated in 38 years that made me feel like that was actually going to happen. Obviously not, given mirroring and all the nonsense. So maybe, the reminder of her just reminds me that I’m not where I want to be. That the main things that matter are out of reach, and the material things that were easy to achieve didn’t mean a thing as far as my personal happiness.

Plus my own personal weakness in realizing that when I see even a photo of her, that I just melt. As much as I “hate” her, I’m just like…I hope that lady is doing ok, actually taking therapy serious, off drugs, and respecting herself. She has so many good qualities that surface at times, but she’s so awful and broken. Which tricks me into thinking I could have “saved her” so, so, so dumb of me.

The more time that goes on, it seems I’m forgetting my education on this illness. I’ll never ever reach out to her. If she does, I’ll avoid at all costs. But I’ll still be sad. I don’t want to be sad, even if it’s very rarely.

Maybe I just need a big life change, a positive one. I’m on autopilot just living what everyone considers to be a wonderful existence.

Maybe a helpful thing to explore is what are you grieving? Something I've learned is that these relationships, while deeply manipulative and unreal, have the potential to unlock something real in yourself - unrecognised needs, narratives, wants. Detaching from the awful behaviour of the Borderline is one thing, detaching from these narratives for another.

For eg, as I've posted before, part of the hook for me was a desire to feel special, and part of the struggle for detachment is accepting that I was not special in the relationship, but a placeholder used to temporarily fill the Borderline's bottomless needs. But also, the positive qualities latched onto are real, and they are a good way to identify what I see as loveable in myself.

I’ll read this whole thing tomorrow at work and give a legitimate response from my perspective. But…NOOOO. I’m a guy and I have a crazy sex drive. I’m not judging you. But no!

I am weak too, but that’s why I had to go scorched earth on blocking her in all ways in my personal life and at work. Even had my family block her.

Dang, just scrolled through the body of your message. Was just with his ex. Then self harm head slam into a wall. Block and restraining order. More tomorrow…