There is a phrase BPD FOG as in Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I see two factors here.

First, distance apart typically reduces the exposure to disordered perceptions, conflict and negativity.

Second, getting married was likely perceived by her as making you more obligated to the relationship.  (It's an implied obligation similar to having children together.  The difference is that a marriage can be undone in family court, but having children is a forever link.)  So it is not surprising that it wasn't long before the discord resumes.  While her therapy may have been helpful, the reality is that therapy and some meds are helpful but not complete cures.


This too is a known pattern, being triggered by holidays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals, preparing for vacation, while on vacation, almost anything and often nothing.  The logical approach (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) doesn't work when dealing this a person immersed in emotional perceptions.  There are better approaches (DEARMAN, SET, BIFF, etc) as described here in topics on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.


It is hard to determine whether suicidal threats or attempts are actual distress or manipulation.  So it is best to call emergency services and leave the determination to those trained to assess motivations and proper services.

However, be forewarned that many threatening suicide will Deny it when police or paramedics arrive, so have witnesses or recorded proof available to counter the posturing otherwise.


You can't save other people, especially when they are impacted by acting-out disorders.  It's difficult to predict a positive outcome here with failure during years of past track record.  You may have to Accept that you tried but were again unsuccessful.  Now is a good time to focus on yourself and your own emotional recovery.  Browse the topic "4.01 Grieving our losses" which is in the above link.

Also, do not discount the benefit of sessions with a local counselor or therapist who has experience dealing with BPD patterns and impacts on those around them.  The peer support here is great, but so is local counseling.

If you do end up divorcing, we have a separate board for those posts.

100% agree with this.  I also agree that boundaries can be tough to enforce.  Like mine:  "You can live with me if you are respectful, working full time and drug-free."  Why this boundary?  Because I believe that's what's needed for a peaceful living situation, one in which all adults contribute, are respectful and don't engage in abusive behaviors.  By the way, I define "working" in the broad sense, through some combination of paid work, schooling, volunteering, training, therapy, housework and/or searching for a job--you know, doing something productive for yourself or your environment.  Anyway, my pwBPD would claim she was working "really hard."  Actually, she'd start out OK, maybe working two or three shifts a week, while making a huge show of filling out applications for half an hour, and getting an online interview from time to time.  I'd think, that's not really full time, but it's better than nothing, and she got a couple interviews, so that's a gigantic plus.  To me, she was moving in the right direction (ForeverDad's "overall positive"), even if she was technically falling short of the bargain.  Nevertheless, this situation was short lived.  A few weeks later, she stopped filling out applications, and a month later, she hadn't landed any more interviews.  The hours she worked dwindled, to maybe one shift per week, or none.  Her mood soured, because she KNEW she wasn't holding up her end of the bargain, and also because I think she realized that her ideal office job wouldn't just fall into her lap like she expected.  She lost her momentum, and she was slipping back into old habits, namely sleeping and napping most of the days away, when she was supposed to be working, training and/or filling out job applications.  The only reason she could sleep during daytime was because she was living with me for free.  So we had to ask her to leave.  Actually, I think she wanted us to ask her to leave, because she couldn't stand the sense of failure, AND she wanted to be able to play victim and say that she was "kicked out."  Well, she was kicked out, but it was her decision, because to stay she would have had to get a job, any job--and there were abundant HELP WANTED signs within a five-mile radius.  It was her choice, and her dad and I reacted how we said we would, when it was clear there was negative momentum.  Sure, her narrative will be different, but deep down, she knows she gave up on herself.  She just wants to blame it on me and her dad.  The good news is, that when she lives on her own, she HAS to get a job to make rent.  And she has done that, more or less.  The momentum shifted when the enablement ended!

Too often the vehement poor-me stories pwBPD are fixated upon and repeat endlessly are often unsubstantiated (lacking documented facts or verified by independent testimony) and described through subjective emotion-compromised perceptions.

I completely understand and that really resonated with me.  My mom, who was not diagnosed but definitely suffering from something, would tell the same stories throughout her life.  One that I've heard hundreds of times was how she had to work and save up to buy a bicycle, yet her parents bought one for her younger sister.  Then the bike was stolen because the little sister never took care of it, and her parents bought a 2nd bike almost immediately. 

And my mom could never let go of this- 70 years later it was still visibly painful for her to experience.

I always thought the same thing- stop focusing on a bike from decades ago.  Focus on the good stuff in your life today instead.  It's part of the illness though, always circling back to the doom and gloom.

I'll repeat what I said in my last post.  You are responsible for you, mom is responsible for mom.  You must learn to separate the two things.  Congrats on getting married!!!!

Thank you all for your time, kindness, insight and support. I’m super grateful. I think that was a bit difficult to unpack, typing on a phone and didnt want to bring in every detail for decades.

I actually did get married, and the stress towards my fiance and between my mom and I was ramping up around the shower. When she was staying with us she was having an outburst that he didn’t make her breakfast, and when my sister tried to talk to her she was saying men cause divorce and something about watching the ID channel… very offensive and hurtful. With the wedding around the corner my boundaries were weak, partially because of my fatigue and partially because I didn’t want her to miss another major life event- since that seems to be the root of all of her pain. Wedding cane, and while it wasn’t over the top she didn’t spare me much stress where she could have, however the day I got back from my honeymoon she basically said my wedding - the stress of seeing her ex in-laws that are responsible for our poor relationship in her eyes, and me being unable to console her about this because I was on my honeymoon essentially put her into a deep depression. I think it broke me a bit that I couldn’t have a wedding or honeymoon without a dark cloud over it, I told her I need time to heal which she didn’t take well.

The past 2 years had been overall a large improvement where those boundaries “I’m going to hang up” worked and weren’t pushed, so I think I got my hopes up a bit here that we were making some progress, but it all falls back to the same story, and my wedding not being an exception made me really worry for my current and future family so I am NC right now.

I think the grief is so tricky - because she is my mom, who kind of feels like my kid, and I’m grieving both of those relationships at the same time - and it’s a lot to sit with knowing this yucky sad feeling goes away if I break my boundary and brush something under the rug. But I’m tired and it isn’t just about me anymore. I think it has been hard for me to prioritize just myself, so thinking of my fiance and future family has helped me be strong. I hope I can keep it up. It is difficult to act like someone I am not, but I am getting better each day. It’s hard to say “we only talk about positive things today” because in my other relationships I have never needed to set that boundary, I’m actually the opposite, I want my loved ones to lean on me- but with it being constantly about me, my childhood and my family it’s a different situation. More than anything I pray she gets the help. She is seeing a therapist but from what I see and hear it’s not beneficial for these specific issues. I think the major grief comes in because my heart truly aches for her. I so badly want her to be able to see life through my eyes, and see how wonderful it could be, and the blessings she has. It’s so hard for me to see her living in this despair from the past for so long. I just pray she finds peace in this life. And my empathy towards this is so strong that I feel like my pain doesn’t amount in comparison at times, so I break a boundary to provide her some temporary relief.

Again, I appreciate all of your advice. I have been re-reading them all, and they have helped me through the first few days of this no contact period I am in, and I will continue to look back on these. My heart goes out to you all, these feelings are a lot to carry. It’s comforting to know I am not alone, but I do feel for you that you know what this is like. Thank you so much, again.

I saw that sort of behavior a lot in BPDxw; her pattern of trying on new identities was more akin to a kid playing "dress up."  Seemed like different needs drove the behavior, but above all else was a need for attention and adulation.  When she hit some career or educational milestone, she loved to post about it on social media with this sort of "if anyone tells you that you can't have it all, look at me as an inspiration"... and of course, she never noted that I played any part in her achievement, from paying for all the classes/fees/preparation materials for exams, to babysitting our child on weekends for months on end so she could study.  (I actually didn't mind the latter as much, because I was able to take my daughter places and relax without her mom's tantrums)

But yeah, the need to try on different personas struck me as very superficial and immature.  I remember early in our relationship having a discussion with her about her career path (we are nominally in the same profession) and when I was talking about realistic starting points for her I remember her scoffing at how "small" I thought, as she started describing the corner office in a high rise she expected to have immediately.  Like... this is someone in a new country, with a foreign education from a not-well-regarded country, no connections, no family money, no expertise or experience in the field, and she's just wrapped up in the image of how she wants to look. 

I helped get her a volunteer position, and I remember her bringing home some binders of material to review, and announcing with great flair she had "all this work to do this weekend" and then of course the binders sat there unopened for the next 48 hours, and on Sunday evening she seemed confused when I asked if she had done any of the work...

And that has largely continued in her professional career: a lot of joining things, signing up to be social chair, "networking," and jumping from job to job once the guy who hired her gets tired of her schtick.  She recently went back to school for another degree, and I was just thinking she probably took on a few $100,000 in loans to pay for it, money that would have been better spent on just about anything else.

People with BPD traits are known to endlessly resist boundaries.  And whenever we make an exception they will behave as though that exception negated the entire boundary.  So what to do?  Something not very intuitive... Boundaries are for us.  How so?  Our boundaries are what we do in response to poor behavior incidents and patterns.

Of course, expect push back.  We call them extinction bursts, determined efforts to get us to retreat back to the prior failed patterns.  Still, there will be setbacks as with any addictions, but they must be overall positive, as in the "two steps forward, one step back" variety.

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) often never do get diagnosed.  So we have to deal with what we see and experience and conclude accordingly.  I remember my sibling was often sarcastic and seemed to have a chip on his shoulder, so to speak.  I always called him the grumpy one but I have concluded he has never been diagnosed.

PwBPD are largely unpredictable but in some ways they have predictable patterns.  They will typically have emotional overreactions to common triggers... weddings, funerals, anniversaries, family events, preparing for vacations, vacations, graduations, etc.


Over a decade ago one of our members faced a concern about her mother's likely behavior at her upcoming wedding.  I admit, her approach was a bit more drastic than Notwendy's gentler approach.  I dug this out of the way back archives.

Congratulations on the wedding. I don't think this is coincidental, not that your sister is connsciously doing this on purpose but from what I have seen, a pwBPD has a high need for attention and mental energy and will notice a shift in the focus on them. They will see this as something being taken from them- on purpose (victim mentality).

If your sister has BPD, she does not have the emotional stablity to reason that your wedding is your special day and that your parents' attention is expected to be on you. What she senses is the change in their attention.

This could be anything, not just your wedding. It might have been if your parents were busy with something else, or someone had a cold, or for any reason not providing their usual attention to her. You are able to say to yourself "Mom and Dad are busy" for your sister, who sees things from victim perspective, she sees "Mom and Dad are purposely not paying attention to me".

This is your wedding and also it's a big milestone for your parents. It's a happy one but also emotional. They've seen your first steps, your first day of school, all the way up to this one. Milestones, even good ones, are emotional for parents and so they are not as focused on your sister. Also family events come with some stresses and your sister is feeling that too. All this sets the stage for a pwBPD to act up.

I agree with having some kind of contingency plan. One is to designate someone to pay attention to your sister. My BPD mother was older but one thing I did for a family event was to hire a one on one caregiver/companion for her. This person's role was to be completely attentive to her, bring her her meals, and be her companion. This person dressed up like a guest and noone was the wiser. BPD mother did know it was help- but it appeared like a friend at the event.

With your sister being younger, this wouldn't work but something similar- a friend, companion, relative- someone who can be focused on her during the wedding and not get into drama with her- and also someone who will take her out of the room if she acts up. PwBPD tend to hold it together in front of people, so unless your sister drinks too much or gets overly agitated, she may not- but the standby friend may help. It may be an extra guest at the wedding but the cost for that is well worth the peace of mind. Your sister may decide to not show up and also might change her mind at the last minute but there will be someone on standby however this goes.