I'm so sorry, that's not the update any of us wanted to see.  Yet, it's not unespected either.  You're weathering the storm and she's on full tilt mentally.  It has to play out...or you have to reconcile and stay married.  Keep walking the path you're on and let her have her moments.

The goal is the finish line and that's still a ways off- remember the finish line!

Congratulations on your happy news!
I don't think this could have gone well with your brother no matter how he found out.

I agree- you aren't responsible for your brother's feelings or his reaction. Also, your mother agreed to tell him and then didn't- that is on her. You aren't responsible for that either.

Still, it's great news and you and your wife can protect your own happiness. If anything- I'd consider this a learning experience for the future. You see now that maybe your mother got distracted, forgot, or she herself didn't think there was a good time to tell your brother. Now you know she may have this tendency, so something to keep in mind.

Congratulations again!

Hey everyone,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here.

I told my uBPDw that I was divorcing her about 9–10 weeks ago. Just so you don’t have to go back and read the history: we’ve been married for 25 years. The last ten or so things started to progressively get worse, especially the last eight. Extreme emotional volatility, epic rages, screaming, telling me she hates me. More threats than I can count — threats of divorce, threats to destroy me personally and professionally, threats to call the police and claim I was abusing her. She told me she wanted me dead but at least she’d get the money. She’s also been physically violent — including wrestling and choking me trying to get my phone. Threatened to destroy property, and destroyed property. Most of it has been directed at me, but my daughter (almost 20) also got a fair amount of it directly. And of course all of this happened in front of the kids. I've mentioned him before - my son is almost 22 and has an intellectual disability, which creates a whole other layer since we are currently joint guardians of him.

It took me years of therapy, reading, and educating myself on BPD and NPD to get to this point, and a lot of support here as well. Mostly held back for so long because of fear. When I was in it I often thought to myself "if it's this bad now and she's supposed to love me and want to stay in a relationship, how bad will it be once I end our relationship?" And now that I’m here, that fear is still a daily battle. A lot of rumination and disaster vision.

Initially, she seemed to take it well. No explosions. I was honest with her upfront — I just want this to be cooperative and cordial, split everything down the middle, and have equal shared arrangements for our son. The fact is, I’ve been covering nearly all of our living expenses. She pays a couple of personal bills, the power bill, and vehicle insurance. That’s it. And she makes good money — it’s not a matter of ability.

There was a lot of denial at first. She said she was just going to win me back. She did a complete 180 — suddenly helpful around the house, pleasant with the kids, transferring money into the joint account. She stopped drinking immediately, which I honestly believe was strategic, since her worst episodes have always involved alcohol. I think she 100% knew she couldn't control herself if she drank and the police would have been called on her quickly.

The “perfect wife and mother” phase slowly faded once she realized I wasn’t going to reconcile. The other complication: we’re still cohabitating. She's still not drinking that I'm aware of but uses marijuana daily.

Before I told her about the divorce, I felt like Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy. I did a lot of preparation — moved completely out of the master bedroom, set up the spare room with a security door that locks, installed a couple of cameras - all in a day when she was at work.

In the last 3–4 weeks, things have gotten harder. The smear campaign started almost immediately after I told her, even while she was being outwardly “kind.” Behind the scenes she was on the phone constantly, sometimes without even closing the door — I caught bits and pieces. Telling people I’m hiding money, that I’ve financially abused her, that I’m inattentive to our son and she’s been the primary caregiver. That last one is complete nonsense — I’ve been the primary caregiver for years, including meals, doctors’ appointments, everything related to his Social Security and annual guardianship plans. When my wife goes on one of her many girls trips, there's nothing missing, there's no gaps in stuff being done around the house. Logistically there's nothing she takes care of that's missed. She only takes care of her own stuff. If anything it's been easier when she's gone - one less person for me to cook for or clean up after or take care of. I still take care of everything around the house now that I always did: meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, all of it.

The smear campaign has honestly been one of the hardest parts. I knew it was coming. I knew she’d be building her narrative with her family and our mutual friends. I pretty much understood that there was a long list of people I would likely never see or talk to again. That doesn’t make it easier, especially when I think about the people I’ve known for nearly 30 years. There are only a couple I still have regular contact with — people who’ve witnessed her episodes firsthand so they know she's full of it when she starts making stuff up.

There have also been outright fabrications — things that have come through the attorneys that I’ve had to correct. And in a strange way, it’s actually scarier now than before the divorce announcement. Before, everything was out in the open — she’d scream and rage and it was external. Now it’s unpredictable and mostly under the surface. She’s had a few moments where she’s lost control. One day in the kitchen she told me if I’m staying in the house, she’s not going to make it easy for me. She’s left me strange handwritten notes. I’m keeping everything documented.

I worry she could make some kind of move for exclusive use of the marital home. I like to think that truth and evidence will ultimately matter — I do have audio and video of physical abuse, and several years of text and email records showing clear behavioral patterns. Once I told her I was divorcing her she unilaterally removed several of the internal security cameras we’ve had for years. Then suddenly a few days ago she was extremely upset that our ring doorbell wasn’t working. I installed a new one and she's been testing it, making sure it captures motion, etc. it’s bizarre and outside her usual pattern. She's never cared about the doorbell camera before. Makes me worried if she’s trying capture me doing something. Can’t imagine what though. And what makes it even harder is this sort of stuff isn’t anything a lawyer can do anything about. It’s the things that only we, as the partners of these disordered people recognize. Its the patterns of our partners. It's like my marriage as a whole. I've had people ask me what was it, what happened that made you want to move forward with divorce? And it never was just one thing. It was death by a 1000 cuts. It wasn't one bad moment or episode. It was 100s of them.

I recently joined an in-person CoDA support group for men, and it’s been incredibly helpful. The first day I was there, I was describing the patterns of behavior and one of the other men immediately said, “Your wife is a borderline.” I was stunned — I don’t think anyone I’ve ever spoken to even knew what that meant. Turns out he divorced his borderline wife about seven years ago. You never want someone else to go through this, but there’s something genuinely comforting about not feeling alone. He jokes that whatever the rest of them are going through, I’m in the middle of mine and just trying to stay out of jail right now. And honestly, he’s not far off — I truly believe she would relish any opportunity to make that happen.

Most recently, a female neighbor approached me — someone we’ve known well since we moved in about eight years ago. Apparently my wife had told her that I’d threatened to call her and “bitch her out” over something involving our cat many months ago. Our cat was in heat and meowing constantly, and my wife was dysregulated about the whole thing and kept putting the cat outside. The neighbor had texted my wife suggesting the cat be brought in or looked at. Next thing I know, my wife had spun this whole story about how furious I was with the neighbor and had threatened to call her. Of course none of it was true. I had to explain that we’re going through a difficult divorce and that I’ve been hearing similar things from other people. I had to sit there and explain that this is just not in my character — I’ve never threatened anyone like that and never would. It’s clear projection: she’s the one who has been aggressive with neighbors in the past. I thanked the neighbor profusely for coming to me directly, told her I completely understood why she’d be upset if someone told her something like that, and apologized for the confusion. She seemed to take it well and appeared to believe me.

Then the other day — at a Special Olympics event for my son, of all places — she starts working the room. Going around to other parents, telling them we’re divorcing, that I asked for the divorce. That part I don’t love, but okay. What I do mind: she then starts telling a woman who is literally sitting right next to me that I asked for a divorce and I’m still living in the house and won’t leave — and that she thinks I’m staying just to torture her. The woman stepped away for a moment, and my wife turns to me and starts making small talk. Asking how I slept. Saying we should still try to be friendly. I’d been holding it together all day but I did say, calmly, that I don’t find it very friendly to tell people things about our private life while making false statements. I told her I financially cannot afford to move out — I’m covering all the household bills and debts. She said she knows how much I make and knows I can afford it. I just shook my head and said we’d be getting to mandatory disclosures soon.

All of it makes it super tempting to make a 'best hits' mix and blast out a stream to friends and family of audio and video and texts of my wife's behaviors over the years. Let's see what people think if they hear and see the truth. Not what I'm going to do. Just tempting.

The emotional whiplash is genuinely jarring. The finance thing in particular was triggering — she’s made similar statements many times over the years. “You make X, you can afford it!” But she’s never once been willing to look at an actual budget. It’s either denial, accusations of hiding money, or just pushing forward with demands regardless of the reality.

Ugh. I just want this to be over.

And one last thing — even if I could afford to move out, I’m not sure I could leave the kids alone with her...

Pray for me, friends. Hope you’re all doing well in your journeys

My wife and I expect our third child. We are super happy.
Of course, every time I am happy, I am scared of sharing my happiness with my BPD brother. When I announced I was getting married, we were in a good relationship, so he was clearly shocked but nothing too bad happened. When I announced the coming of my first, he was not writing to me. He did not respond and, months later, said he didn't because he thought I wasn't ready.
When I announced my second, he "jokingly" said I had to stop having babies because otherwise he would get less money when our parents died. Few months later he added he wasn't joking and that it was a reasonable position.

Now I had no idea what to do with the announcement of this third because right now we are no contact. He chose it, and right now I am very happy about this choice because the situation had become unbearable for me. This no contact made me realise a lot of things, to be honest. BTW, the only contacts we have are emails he sends to my mom's therapist, copying me in, about supposed wrongs we do to him. In one of the latest emails he wrote that he didn't even want to hear about me if I died.

Talking with my wife, she made a good point: whatever you do, it will not work. If you somehow write to him, he'll lash out. If you don't, he will lash out. It's a lose lose, so if you don;t want to write, just don't do it, which is exactly what he told you to do.
I still thought it didn't cost me much to send him a text, and ignore his shenanigans later on, but my mum offered to tell him herself. I asked her at least 3 times if she really wanted to do it, as I didn't want to put her in a difficult position for my laziness. She said yes and seemed confident enough. We didn't talk about it anymore, and I assumed she had told him, as every time we talked over the phone she referenced the pregnancy no problem, and he lives with her. I also never thought about asking her, as in case she had not told him and he heard I was referencing it (or read a text) it would have been even worse.
Turns out, 3 weeks later she had NOT told him. Today he found out from somebody, and of course the reaction was the worst possible. I am really sorry for  my mom. I mean, I told her she didn't need to do it and she willingly offered to help, but maybe I should have just written to him myself. Had I known she was postponing this, I would have understood she didn't really want to tell him...

ANyway, I suppose what I need to understand is I have no responsibility over how my brother reacts and there is nothing I could have done to make things better. Maybe next time I will not let my mom take over such a responsibility, even if she says she does not think it is so difficult... But if she offers to help, it is her right to do it, and I don't have responsibility oevr what she does afterwards, I suppose.

Closure and repair are wonderful but the relationship could only be as functional as BPD mother's capability. Also, the role of scapegoat fits into Karpman triangle dynamics https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

BPD mother perceived herself as in victim position. Other members of her family could align with her as rescuer or be put in persecutor position.

I didn't go NC with BPD mother and I tried to help with my parents but disordered dynamics seemed to prevailed. With BPD mother, I could visit, spend the whole time doing things for her and she'd get upset at something I didn't do or did that bothered her. At times, she might act pleased and say something nice but it was difficult to believe in that, as I didn't know if she'd be angry at me for something else.

Your emotional well being and your own family comes first. I don't have the additional issue of disordered siblings. That is a lot to deal with.

It's hard because others have our cultural expectations of us and so do we. People who haven't experienced this don't understand that, even if it's different from their experience, we are still doing the best we can with our own circumstances and there's no one right way to do this, or perfect way.

Somehow, we need to arrive at a way to give ourselves some grace in this process.

Lots of good insights in the last exchanges.

I agree 100% that marijuana makes the situation worse.  For my BPD stepdaughter, I think it made things an order of magnitude worse.  My opinion is that it fed her delusional thinking, as well as led to bouts of intense paranoia.  In addition, I think it knocked off 8 to 10 IQ points.  Her vocabulary stalled at a tween's level, and she had trouble following adult conversation.  Most of all, it rendered her skatterbrained . . . unable to plan or execute things very well, such as pack for a weekend trip.  She had to hear from doctors that marijuana was hurting her, not helping.  Of course, when she was at the hospital, she couldn't use.  Fortunately, she stopped.

I agree with everything Pook wrote--not to "play their game."  Don't reward their lashing out with attention, "begging" for communication when they treat you badly, or apologizing for things you didn't do.  In my opinion, attention to acting out only serves to "feed the fire."

I think you're on the right track when it comes to being a "cheerleader."  Your son probably needs lots of reassurance, and it's OK to give it when he's not dysregulated.  Inside, he's often confused about who he is and what he should do.  Sometimes I think he needs to hear confirmation from external sources:  You're smart, you'll figure it out, you've got this.  You're employed, you have a girlfriend, you're getting professional support to work through issues, you're being responsible, you're doing great.  I love you and I'm proud of you.  Sure, you migh mess up sometimes, but that's how people learn best.  It would be a shame if you beat youself too much over something that's in the past.  You focus on you, today . . .

One approach that my stepdaughter eventually warmed to was getting help from professionals, partly because it validated her victim narrative.  Importantly, her doctors told her to stop using marijuana.  Then the encouragement she got from her dad and me went something like this:  "You're getting the professional support you need, and that's great.  You're really acting like a responsible adult.  The doctors are experts, they know what works--they treat people like you all the time.  Your job right now is to do whatever they say."

(I added the "you're acting like a responsible adult" because that was my stepdaughter's chief gripe--that everyone treated her like a little girl, and that she was "stuck" living like one.  Since being seen as an adult was critical to her, I think that saying this made her buy into the therapy process even more.)

With BPD, everything is tied to emotion.  If you're happy, all is well because you made yourself happy.  But if you're sad/angry, it must be someone else's fault.  And the people who get blamed are the people closest to the BPD.

BPDs go through phases from idolization (where someone can do no wrong) to discarding that same person completely (they are the source of all problems).  Both viewpoints are absolutes, and there's no such thing in this world.  None of us are 100% good or 100% bad...and we all make mistakes.  Due to the mental illness, BPDs are constantly shifting the people they're closest to in one of the two categories though.

Combine the two things, and you get BPDs who face the same problems that we do, yet they become so emotional that they can't handle the stress.  So they blame, they manipulate, they lash out to punish those who have caused all their pain and heartbreak.  Only, you're not the problem...mental health and unstable emotions...that's the real problem.

So how do you stop being a part of the problem and actually a part of the solution?  You stop playing the game BPDs play.  If they lash out, you cut them off, even if it's for hours or days.  It's okay to tell them you love them, but it's not okay to accept abuse out of compassion and expect things to get better.  They don't...they can't...because your kindness is being taken by a mentally ill mind to mean that you're admitting fault and deserve even worse punishment.

Healthy boundaries are your best friend.  It's basically saying, I want to be involved in your life because I love you.  But at the same time, I'm not going to be your punching bag or your sounding board whenever you're disordered.  We don't treat people we love tha way and if you can't respect me, I have to step away for a bit.

I hope that helps!

Yes, it totally makes sense. In my son's case, he does have a girlfriend but he has lot of fear that things will end because of his behavior. He was in a serious relationship before and he blew it up. Then he was devastated about it. It's complicated because he has tremendous fear of abandonment That seems to get heightened by stress and pot or alcohol use.

I'm glad to hear that in the case of your daughter she found something that was meaningful to her. I think my son, the most important thing is going to first get off marijuana and not drink too much. He says he's not doing these things but to be honest it's not something we can trust. And we know we can't come out and say it but he's been more open about using and needing to stop. He says he's not but we can't be sure. I do think he is realizing the drugs are causing his BPD to become unmanageable. Hopefully he will follow through. I think his loneliness not because he doesn't know people. I think it's because of how he's struggling on the inside

My son has plenty of friends but he needs to do things that involve less drinking and things like volunteer work or anything else. We've chatted about it, but like you said you can't tell them. It's one of these things that if he comes up with an idea, the best thing I can do is be his cheerleader.

Thank you for your beautiful response. It was so meaningful to read that having a mother with BPD and disordered siblings is a lifelong sorrow. This is exactly what I feel and am still accepting this. Thank you for validating this deep pain for me.
 At times when it gets too intense, I revert back to believing that the problems are mine to fix and if I only reach out and take care of them, I won't feel this pain. But the truth is, the pain won't go away because they aren't capable of repairing our ruptured relationships and I will never get any closure from them. This truth is an aching wound that I have not fully grieved but I am on the path. I really appreciate your support.

Hello,

I found this message board while searching for "Welcome to Oz", I'm about 100 pages into Stop Walking on Eggshells and my mind has been blown wide open with how much my relationship mirrors that of someone living with a person with BPD.  I have my own issue with porn addiction and have been in recovery for 10+ years (ups and downs) and my spouse has always been able to use my addiction against me.  I have low self-esteem so I unknowingly fell further and further into her beratement over my problem.  The past 5 years I've sensed something was wrong.  There should be grace, foregiviness, and a desire to work on things.  Instead it's been in-house-separation for 2 years with her emotionally and verbally abusing me with my past mistakes.  I had a mental breakdown, fell into depression, and started floating suicidal thoughts.  Thankfully I've gotten help.  I'm on anti-depressants for 1.5 years, seeing a pyschiatrist, and working with a counselor.  Life for me individually has gotten much better.  Life with her is still bitter, distant, and painful. 

SWOE has helped me see that it's not just me, there's more to this story.  As I have prepped for a possible divorce and written out a relatinoship timeline I've seen that there's much more to this than I originally realized.  It's aligning so much with BPD and so many things are clicking into place.  My spouse has, since the start of our relationship, constantly asked me "do you love me?" and accused me of trying to cheat on her, talk to others, or even sleep with others, all without any evidence other than my porn addiction (I promise the extent of my addiction is nothing illegal and is only about medicating through anonymity via pixels on the screen).  I've felt so dumbfounded and confused, as if I'm trying to fight for who I am against my partner, rather than with her.

Muddying the waters is we've got 2 kids now, 7 and 5, and my spouse doesn't work.  We don't have enough money for a divorce, I don't want to leave my kids alone with her, and at the same time I feel like nothing will change unless she has a major shock to her system.  I don't know whether to stay or go, but staying has felt hopeless for a long time now.  She's told me numerous times that if I want to divorce, go ahead.  But that she's staying b/c she doesn't want to lose time w/our kids, doesn't want to get a full time job, and doesn't want to lose the house.  I feel no hope for her wanting to "work on us"

I don't know what to do, but I know I need to find community and speak up for myself.  Looking forward to dialogue here to help me figure things out.