Just between me and you people on this wonderful website! I am having a really tough time at the moment. My siblings all have personalty issues. I'm the only one who seeks any kind of healthy outlook. I feel very lonely. My twin has been diagnosed with BPD but has denied it for years. She has manipulated and used counter strategies to curry favour with them and takes great pride in announcing how she is the 'only one' who talks to everyone while sabotaging anything healthy and determined to stop me being in the family at all. She'd take the air out of the room if she could.
I find it really hard to walk away because I have a 'protagonist' type personality and I go away, I calm down, I think if I stop talking to her, she'll have no one, she'll just hurt other people  I promised my parents before they die, she's has a child so on and so forth.
One the one hand how can I be so arrogant to think that she should share my perspective and that it will ever make a drip of difference if she did. I have to make all the effort, this is the only way.
The other side to it is that because of her manipulations and blackmailing, I will loose touch with my family because and I could loose them all and it breaks my heart.
If I don't, I will become an over sentimental. snivelling whingeing victim that ended up with high scores in the anxiety and depression questionnaires my therapist gave me. He said- "do not let your twin back into your life", following months of work.
My dad was dying, I thought I could help so I did!
I've been reading "stop walking on eggshells shells". It's helped me enormously but it really focuses on maintaining relationships. It's helped me understand her perspective. But I have tried with boundaries for so long and I get no respect. She is relentless of course she is. She can't help it, but she is out to destroy me to fill her emptiness. I'm frightened of her rage attacks, my palpitations and insomnia are back.
I'm signing up for therapy again and it can't continue like this. I'm looking to get slowly back to that place with no hope, that faces up things and calls time. Just acceptance of bpd in all its dreadfulness. Once the future looks hopeful again, I can begin to heal.
I love you sis but Im done! this isnt working for either of us. (This is the breakup letter I can't send you, on the help page I can't tell you about). 

Hi, thankfull person,

I am sorry to read about your problems. However I strongly feel it is not good for the kids to always have to take their  morher into consideration. They are too young to understand that and they should not be forced to be caretakers. I think this could scare them for the rest of their lifes and force them to be cartalers of fillings of others and rob them of asertivness and being able to voice their needs and wants. I think it is time for  a boundary! From what you wrote I get a feeling you are afraid of your wife (which I get, dont get me wrong), but I think this will be damaging for the kids.
I grew up with a father who  demanded walking on eggshels (however not for such small things as you describe) which was also suggested by my mother as it was the easiest way to get by with less arguing and fits. I am in my thirties now and I still have a lot of problems with being assertive, comunicate normally, outing my feelings. I find this is a huge dissadvantage for me, not only in communication itself, bit also in stress levels I encounter because of it.

Thank you. Your words and caring touched me deeply. So much you said resonated with me. As far as taking breaks from my obsession over my son's well being, I have a long way to go but I have started not carrying my phone with me at every moment.  I will respond more later.  Thank you again, very much

Hi JsMom and welcome.
You sure have been on a long road, and all the things you mention do tick the BPD box. Here we are very experienced in living with the chaos, blame and exhaustion from trying to support a loved child with BPD.

It is such a serious, complex illness. I am very lucky that I came here when my DD was a teenager – I was desperately trying to find a solution, to keep her on a track to a future – to find something that would ‘fix it’. Reading the posts of others here helped me realise that ‘fixing it’ was not always possible. I had to find myself and at the same time keep the love that I had for my DD.

There are a lot of practical skills to learn about how to interact with someone with BPD, and a lot to understand about what this illness is. In starting off though, I found help in small things such as making sure I had ‘time out’ from thinking about my DD each day – a DD free zone each day to put my mind to something else, something positive.

The anxiety can be really terrible. The mantra ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’ was my go-to help for my anxiety. It is about letting go of responsibility – a hard thing to do as a parent, especially for a child who does not seem able to take control of their own lives. This mantra was a great help for me.

If you can find the Nelson Mandela poem ‘Letting Go’ on the internet, have a read and find a couple of the sentences that touch you. I like the final one- I think it is ‘Letting Go is to fear less and love more’.

Re the blaming – as I began to understand BPD I realized I was the ‘target of blame’ – because the BPD person has such a fragile sense of self, it could destroy it if they acknowledged their own failings as part of the problem. I became relieved by telling myself over and over again 'I have done all that I can’, and ‘I did the best I could at any point in time’.  We can look back and think we should have done things differently, but that was then and we looked at options and chose the best on offer at the time.

Be kind to yourself. You have one of the hardest roads to travel, so don’t lose yourself along the way.

Thank you, I really appreciate your taking the time to reply, also your recommendations, and support. 

Hi! This is a relationship of 2 years. i'm (M26) she's (F27)

So, we had an argument and broke up with her. I said some hurtful stuff and she did too, because we were mad at eachother.

We went NC for about 4 days, tried to contact her, she was very cold, gave her flowers, thanked me and told me the flowers were gorgeous, but said she didn't want to be in a relationship and i needed to understand that, plus she felt like we weren't getting along (due to life problems, it impacted our relationship).

How long should i wait for trying to contact her again? I told her i'm truly sorry and that i want to show her my feelings, and that it's common for a relationship to have its ups and downs, but she won't listen to reason, and i don't think she suddenly stopped loving me from one day to another... even though we were in a bad spot for a few weeks

Asking for instruction may be an option for me. Whilst I will no dobut get a line like "Pathetic! I need to do everything!" all things considered I'm being shoted at anyway so it's an angle worth trying. The other 2 would not worjk in my situation. If I leave the room that means I will be follwed throughout the house being raged at, and make the dys-regulation even worse. I can never, never physcically leave the house. this would spiral into an absolute crisis that can end up at self-harm. been there, done that.

Thank You for your heartfelt reply, Eagle. As an update, I did put together an apology in a special hand written notebook and wrapped it nicely for her. I offered it and said there is no pressure to open it up at any certain time. that she could share it (with her therapist) or with no one. She could read it all, or just a few sentences of it. Or she could to not read it at all. Until she was ready, if ever. All her choice. All ok with me. This after her reply to my initial offer which was "I don't feel safe" opening this with you. No Way! And, you should have given this to me years ago, why didn't you. And we should have gone over this before we got married, etc, etc, etc.......That was puzzling to me but after taking it through with my therapist, I concluded that perhaps her accepting my offer to give her a sincere and through apology with me in her presence, that might create a sense of obligation or pressure to her (for physical intimacy as an example) as a result. Or resurface guilt, shame, or fears of abandonment if she did take another risk and get closer to me physically. Or it might just cause her to admit that I really have done my best to accept my role, and have offered to "fix it" by changing my behavior going forward. This would obviously take away her accusaton that I never did when she is emotionally dis regulated and raging about it. I'm not sure, and I'm confused, but like you, I remain steady, calm but confused and I'm determined to not give up. I often have to remind myself that I did not cause this, I can't fix it, and I can't control it. BPD doesn't make any sense, and trying to figure it out is a lost cause. I just have practice safe and healthy boundaries and use the mirror tactic and not be a sponge. The other day when she was raging I waited until she stopped and I said I was willing to listen anytime, that I really do care and I want to understand her better, but am no longer willing to discuss stuff with her when she was not being respectful or not in her adult self mind. I said I am human, and I do have feelings too. I also reminded her that she is capable of talking in a more mature way. Ive seen it.  I see her display more control and not talk that way to others in public and with her daughters. It just seems to be with me that she feels it's ok sometimes to rage at me, the one she loves the most. I do believe my message was heard a later, she did make comment about it. My job is to be consistent with the boundary and practice self compassion and self respect. I have learned that I can still find happiness and even serenity weather she is having a BPD episode or not. Thanks for your feedback!

Vandelay, LLC

• You can't reconcile unless both have a posture of reconciliation. Your daughter (and mine) don't want to restore the relationship, YET. That's today - not necessarily forever.
• The holidays come with lots of expectations and stress. My D would be so mad about normal, curious questions about her life. I read that they feel like scrutiny to them, and it causes shame.
• I wouldn't do anything that indicates expectation... we have your presents, we would love to see you, etc. That stresses them, and at the end of the day, we want them to be more regulated, not more emotional.
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I agree 100% with those points.

Regarding "readiness" for reconciliation:  what I've seen from my adult BPD stepdaughter is that she has been "ready" for a "partial" reconciliation only when she has exhausted all other options.  It seems that she will communicate with her dad and me only when absolutely necessary, when she needs money, housing or logistical support.  In other words, she can be civil when she wants to, but that's all she can muster.  I can tell she doesn't enjoy asking us for help, but the reality is that it's usually easier than the alternative--getting a regular job, taking care of things herself.  Having said that, lately she has been stepping up her game and solving more and more issues on her own.  I think that has been a huge confidence-booster.  At the same time, I've urged my husband not to "rush in" to solve all her problems for her like he did when she was younger, especially problems that she should be able to handle herself, despite her emotional reactions and immaturity.  I've told him, he needs to evolve his role, from that of provider to wise adviser/counselor, and offer advice only when she asks for help.  It's just that he doesn't want to see her struggle, and I get that.  But over-functioning for her has in a perverse way held her back.  She needs more space (and time) to figure out some things on her own.  I'd say, be patient and give her that time and space.

I think she won't be ready for a "full" reconciliation with her family until she feels more independent and grown up, when her identity has been solidified.  The way I see it, she tends to avoid holidays and gatherings with other family members, because she can't handle the pressure of high expectations, stress and questioning from well-meaning relatives.  She feels lost and inadequate, and she assumes that others see her that way.  She also feels jealous of other people's happiness, when she feels glum.  Finally, I think she might be afraid she'll have a meltdown, and she doesn't want to be embarrassed by that, either.  Her typical solution is to avoid those feelings altogether, and keep her distance.  But I'm holding out some hope that eventually, she'll feel more confident and be able to handle a family gathering for a couple of hours.  We'll see.

At any rate, expecting a reconciliation to happen simultaneously with a high-pressure holiday seems like it would be way too stressful.  I'd advise baby steps whenever possible.  That might look like resumption of texting, then maybe a one-on-one get-together (possibly coffee or lunch near her), and then maybe sharing regular dinner with more people at your place.  Maybe you're lucky and she'll come back into your life as if nothing ever happened.  But my guess is she's avoiding you for a reason:  she's experienced a setback and she's reeling or embarrassed, and maybe she's blaming you, though you probably had nothing to do with it.  At any rate, she's showing you she needs some space.

this whole conversation is making my heart pound (with excitement!) I (again, am sorry) others go "through" this, but...sometimes I just cannot wrap my brain around it!  My friends mean well and show me Facebook posts (FB memories are a blessing and a curse) with my daughter (with the rest of my family, (again....I know I have passive-aggressive statements...that is why I have a therapist) (I have my own anxiety issues I work on!) but....it is so painful!  I very much appreciate the "holidays" are just another day (I am, by nature, a very festive person....though, I have funneled my energies into my beautiful (I know I am very lucky in that regard) grandchildren....I offer a lovely suggestion....along with a co-worker, we started a Supper Club (we were talking to another co-worker, who mentioned she is lonely, all her kids are grown, etc.); we brought 17 people together for a dinner!  It brought me (again, JOY is a word that was loosely tossed around) joy, to bring others joy....I, personally, feel like I am in "limbo" waiting for my daughter (?) though, my therapist, explains, part of MY journey is to make myself "ready"; acknowledging behaviors, on my part, that do not "gel" with her BPD (I am very EXPRESSIVE....which butts head with her BPD, etc.) just some thoughts