Yes!  I know that resentment feeling.  And I also know that I often do something that sets off a wave of abuse when I'm feeling that way.  Thank you for naming it.  I will use it as a signal to stop doing what I'm doing and take time away for myself.

It's been rather calm for a while. I work in clinical research and supervise the human subjects research program. My ex works for the non-profit managing funds from sponsored clinical trials and grant applications. Every year there is something called 'research week'. Studies can advertise for recruitment, there are presentations, a service wide bbq. Prior to the explosive end to my relationship I haven't been attending these things as I would. It seems she didn't either last year.

Had a prep call today and everyone kept throwing my name out there as the person to work alongside my ex. Hell no. I am not sitting shoulder to shoulder with that person after everything. And maybe she starts rumors about things I did or whatever. Not to mention the anxiety I'd have interacting with her like some stranger who hasn't tried to have me arrested, or punched me. No, no, no. Then a study coordinator who never really messages me sends me an IM 'hey looks like they really want you at the table with non-profit'. Random thing to just say. And I'm not grilling at the bbq anymore so I can see her parade around laughing with everyone. Keep in mind our jobs do NOT intersect at all. There's zero reason for me to have to work with her in any capacity. I am subject matter upper management, she is an assistant at the non-profit. Add to that she's said she doesn't feel 'safe' around me...so why so eager and willing to be within a foot of me? Again, no.

The original agreement from my boss is we'd have no direct contact. So far haven't. So here goes my email to my boss that is going to probably ignite this again:

Hi 'boss',

I do not want to work near 'her' during Research Week. Given the history of physical assault, police involvement, and accusations that have been made against me, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest if we are not near each other.

Thank you,

'me'

Yes, it's not linear. A spiral is a good analogy. Sometimes it's also two steps forward, one backward, but over time, it's possible to see progress.

One step is to pay attention to our own feelings. They can help guide us. It doesn't mean we act on them, sometimes that isn't appropriate, but to pay attention to them.

A clue to when I am doing too much, helping too much, enabling is the feeling of resentment. It can be the same action, but the feeling is different. If we are doing something helpful because we are willing/want to- we don't feel that. If we are doing something out of FOG, we do. We sometimes do things we don't want to do, but are willing to do it, or choose to. That is different than doing something we don't want to do, and would not be willing to do it but we do it to avoid our pwBPD being angry. That's FOG.

Resentment is the clue for us to not do something out of FOG.

An acronym is "HALT"- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If we are feeling any of these things, we need to "Halt" - take a time out for self care. At these times we are not at our best and are more likely to react to the pwBPD, argue back, add to the drama. This is when we say "I need to pause for a moment" and disengage from the situation.

With practice, we get better at these ways of self care.

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot.
My daughter is currently in therapy and she also did a group therapy a few months ago. She seems to go in spurts where she will do really well with therapy and medication and then all of the sudden just stop everything.
I feel like it is me against the world since my family and her father just brush it off and think I am the bad one by setting boundaries. So of course I start second guessing myself and think I am a bad mom for protecting myself.
It has been very difficult not being able to communicate with my granddaughter and I feel horrible that my daughter feels this way about me. She has always thought that I loved her brother more than her.

Hi broken mom2,



When my udd32 was a small child she would cry even if I showed the slightest interest to anyone especially if I  gave compliments to other family members children. These problems carried on into her teens. At home she would cause fights between her siblings, at school she purposely broke up established friendship groups by spreading false rumours and going after the other kids boyfriends. Now at 32yo she doesnt have even one close friend.

At the heart of Bpd is the fear of abandonment and my guess is that your dd resents you having a life of your own with a partner who sounds caring and lovely btw. As you can doing everything and being there for the first 3 years helping her to raise your gc wasnt good enough and will never be enough for her and now it is all or nothing which is a very manipulative tactic to get her owns needs met and is driven by black and white thinking and is very typical pwbpd behaviour.

My udd also lived with me after having her first child at 19yo and I know that is upsetting and  difficult for you right now not to want to rush in at a chance to make things better.. I have 3 gc who Iam currently estranged from, but  these are early days in my experience it is better not to rush back in and  respond to manipulation because your dd will use this tactic over and over again to get her needs met. You also have a right to experience some happiness in your life with your partner without being guilt tripped.

Thank you for all these amazing replies.  I will indeed read them over and over.

Do you ever feel like you've made progress and then suddenly you're back where you were?  I'm feeling a bit like that, but I also know that analogy that it's not a circle, it's a spiral.  You feel like you're back in the same place, but you've really moved to another layer.  I think that's right. So, I get the Humpty Dumpty feeling and I'm also guessing that you, like me, are not necessarily in the same brokenness we were 10 years ago, say.

I hope you all have a peaceful and even beautiful day.

From my own experience, I don't think a pwBPD can have an emotionally healthy attachment. I can't say if this is true for everyone with BPD or someone with BPD who is going through DBT therapy but a core component of BPD is disordered attachment, and their behaviors affect the most connected relationships the most.

Infants and children are wired to attach to their mothers and I think that is one reason I think we children of BPD mothers take on these roles of caretaker, fixer, trying to make that attachment. Radical acceptance for me was to realize that BPD mother could not make an emotionally healthy attachment with anyone. It wasn't personal to me.

When the pwBPD is the child, I think something similar happens. The mother may be able to attach but the child's attachment capacity is different. Still, mothers (who don't have BPD)  are also wired to attach to their babies.

In a romantic relationship the attachment begins later, and is the romantic/sexual bond. What I see posted often in the relationship section of this board is the intensity, the love bombing and that these relationships form quickly. As humans, we learn ways to get our basic needs met. This is normal, survival, and by adulthood, we have learned relationship skills. We know about the hormone, oxytocin, that promotes attachment and so I wonder, if someone doesn't have other relationship skills, this becomes their way of attaching? I'm guessing at this. There's a questioning if the love bombing stage is somehow deliberate but it may be that this isn't on their part and that it's what they know as attachment for them. Once attached, there's the disorder aspect, which leaves the partner puzzled and confused as to what happened.

For me, radical acceptance also includes our own decisions about the relationship. Should a pwBPD live alone? I think that depends on their ability to manage their own behavior if they want to live with other people. Maybe that varies.

I can accept that my BPD mother had a mental illness, and have empathy for that. However, I (and others) can also decide on how much of their behavior to tolerate for the sake of the relationship, and I did want to tolerate a lot. It's a significant relationship. Still, to be able to manage it, we need some boundaries.

Hi broken mom2,

Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m really glad you found us, and I’m sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. What you’re describing sounds incredibly painful and exhausting, and it makes sense that you’re feeling alone in it.

Many members here can relate to that push and pull, where no matter how much you give, it never seems to be enough. The guilt, the second-guessing, and the heartbreak of being pushed away by someone you love so deeply can take a real toll.

I also hear how much you’ve shown up for your daughter over the years. Supporting her, helping with your granddaughter, trying therapy, and still holding onto hope for a relationship says a lot about the kind of mom you are. That doesn’t sound like failure to me, it sounds like someone who has been trying for a very long time under very difficult circumstances.

You’re not alone here. There are people who understand this kind of situation in a way that others often can’t.

If you feel up to it, what has been the hardest part for you lately, the distance itself, or the way things were left between you?

Sorry, in the previous post, the paragraph which begins: "Though my situation isn't exactly the same..." should be in quotes - from CC43

This. This. Could. Go. In. A. Book.

Though my situation isn't exactly the same, I can relate to wanting desperately to love and support a family member, only to encounter ugly behavior from her.  How do I love someone who takes and takes, all the while blaming me and hurling venom my way?  Well I think I can take the venom, because I know that it's not about me, it's BPD.  But what's harder for me to take is how cruel she is to my husband and the rest of the family.  How do I try to reconcile preserving the integrity of the entire family?  Do I "defend" her actions and say, it's not her fault, it's BPD, just ignore it?  Do I say, she doesn't mean any of the hurtful things she is saying and doing, even after years of therapy?  At what point is an adult responsible for herself, even if she has mental illness?  I mean, BPD can't be an excuse for all negative behaviors, can it?  To say that BPD is at fault (and not the person) is like giving up, isn't it?  On these boards I sometimes see the concept of "radical acceptance," but does that mean accepting that a person with BPD is basically mean-spirited and unable to control themselves ever, and it's not possible to have a healthy "attachment" with them?  Honestly it's confusing to know what to do, let alone what to think.  And then I wonder, what is love to a pwBPD?  Will she ever have a meaningful relationship/"attachment"?  Or maybe it would be better to live alone?  I just don't know.

To me, radical acceptance is accepting the person for who they are, and dropping all expectations. End Stop.

No, I don't believe that gives them any excuse for bad behavior. Yes they are responsible for their own actions.  Yes they have a disease, and yes they alone have the power to acknowledge it and accept there is a problem. No, it's not our job to fix or caretake.  Just like an alcoholic needs to reach their bottom, and find the inner strength to make change, the autonomy to become aware and "grow" as a person, also stays with the person with the BPD.  NotWendy always talks about 12 step programs. As long as the loved ones around them participate in the dysfunction and "enable" the behaviors to continue, we are giving them the power to continue hurting us with their behavior.  As caretakers, it feels wrong to set boundaries for ourselves (we all seem to struggle with intense feelings of guilt which keep us enabling their bad behavior) and we are stuck in a loop of dysfunction and abuse. 

Yes, the hurtful things they say are the disease talking.  And yes it is rational to separate the disease from the person with it, so that the hurtful things don't feel so personal to us.  But it doesn't change the fact that it's not ok to say those things in the first place.  They are mean, unkind, and destructful to relationships and social groups such as families.  As adults, they have to own that (with children it's different).  It is never ok to be mean and abusive.  BPD might explain the behaviors and abuse, but not excuse it.  So no, I wouldn't "defend" her actions.  That would be enabling.  In fact, when she says all those nasty things, she probably means them in that moment, so no, I wouldn't say "she doesn't mean them" (because she does).  Instead I would say something like " ________ needs some time to calm down right now.  Let's give her some space to do that".  I agree that BPD can't be an excuse for all negative behaviors. 

No.  For me radical acceptance means acknowledging and accepting their illness and all it's implications, and also that it is not in my control to change them or their illness.  They have to do that.  And I also radically accept how difficult that is.  But Marsha Linehan did it (and developed DBT), and many are able to overcome or grow out of it.  It is possible.