I don't think I ever seriously dated anyone who was BPD before I eventually met my (now ex-) wife.  But I had a couple close calls where I had a date or two, or we spoke on the phone and then for whatever reason she moved on or told me she wasn't interested.  A couple of those stuck with me, mainly the more attractive ones, because I wondered what I could've done differently and what it would've been like. 

But then, having the experience I did and getting divorced, when one of those "close calls" reached out, I realized by her dodgy behavior, and quick temper that I suspected I was dealing with BPD, and wonder how many times I got lucky and dodged a bullet (before eventually catching one).  I think in some of those situations, I was just a branch they decided not to swing on for whatever reason, and like you saw, they weren't very honest and up front about their dating situation and past relationships. 
 

this is awesome, and a pretty healthy way to deal with someone like that. 

Spreading awareness is the best revenge.  Did she eventually move away?  I imagine if she knew the reputation she had, her first move would be to run away where she could start it all over again (because getting help and changing is actual work).

It's hard to be perceived as the "bad guy" and then have other family members in aliance with the pwBPD. It seemed that BPD mother perceived people through her projections. She saw people as being "on her side" or "not her side".  If she was angry at me, if I had boundaries- I was "not on her side".

For me, I had to form my own internal "ethics"- what I thought was being a good person and hold on to that as best as possible, no matter what BPD mother was thinking.

I didn't know what people in her circle were thinking about me.  I didn't try to clear the air- what good would that do?- whatever she said to them- they already believed her, so I didn't say anything about her. I just stayed cordial and polite around them.

You know who your "village" is- the people who see you for who you are and not as the "bad guy". These are the ones to be close to.

Funny story- I had completely forgotten about this until I saw your comment.

I was dating a girl in college; beautiful, full of life, everything was great.  Then she broke up with me almost out of nowhere.  Looking back, she was almost surely in the BPD spectrum.  And like so many others here, she had told me countless horror stories about ex's abusing her.

I knew the guy she left me for.  Skinny kid, long hair like a stakeboarder or surfer.  I hated him on principle alone because she was with him.  But then she dumped that guy too, and told me it's because he almost broke her leg on a trampoline.  Then another guy, completely different.  Grunge look, full of tatoos.  And she dumped that guy for someone else completely different.

I kept track for a few years but it eventually faded from my mind.  It was very hard getting over her for some reason (now I understand why because we see all the patterns).

Anyway, a few year later I walk into a gas station, and the attendent is the guy she left me for.  Instantly I want to punch him, LOL, but I keep quiet and hope he doesn't recognize me.  I get to the counter and he says, "Hey, didn't you used to date <girl's name>."  I said yes, anticipating a confrontation.

But then the guy says, "Hey, you should join our Facebook group!"  I was lost- what Facebook group?

He then proceeds to tell me that there were over 30 people in a Facebook group called "girl's name + ex's".  She lied to all of us about herself and everyone else, and when a few of them finally met and started putting together the facts, they actually made the group.  I didn't even know what to think about that so I never joined, but OMG...you talk about validation!  There were over 30 of us and she would have been like 24 years old at this time.

You are so right here. I think what I'm looking for is reassurance of what I already know. Our whole relationship from the time I set boundaries with her up to this point has been her trying to push me into a position to intervene and defend her. That had been my role growing up. When I finally recognized that it was dysfunctional and harmful (to both of us), I sought therapy to understand the dynamic better and established healthy, but difficult boundaries. It was a process, and she did everything she could to force my hand - going so far as to attempt to legally compel me (unsuccessfully). That was such a difficult situation because it involved a public battle with her and the rest of my family not understanding - so I really looked like a jerk. I told my therapist then that in reflecting on it, I could see that she was always going to do this - she was always going to escalate her attempts to pull me in - and she did. Ultimately, I insisted that if she wants a relationship with me, she needs to "meet me on healthy ground" - and I clearly defined that as ground where we both matter equally (rather than her needs driving everything). That was not easy for her or me - but it was exactly the right thing to do and the boundary has been in place successfully now for a couple years. As each new battle comes up and as I continue to uphold these boundaries, it's just a reminder of how hard she makes things for me in my family. But, if I'm honest, it seems to be getting a little easier. Thanks for responding. I just needed to sort it through.

My son was still 3 years old when we separated and that separation ended in divorce.  It started with court defaulting custody and the parenting schedule in mother's favor, for no reason but that kit was the court's default policy.  There was a lot of conflict, posturing, allegations, disparagement, all by my ex.  By the time he was nearly 12 years old the custody and parenting schedule was virtually reversed.

He's grown now, still lives with me, but he doesn't want to hear anything of the painful past.

I had a similar discussion with my daughter about a year ago.  She asked me point blank why I got divorced, and I could tell it was time to have "the talk." 

I set the stage by saying this was all my view of what went down and why, and that her mom likely had a different opinion on all this than me.  I told her how her mom behaved and the things she did and said I that I didn't like during our marriage.  She kept saying "YES!  She does the same things to [her mom's current fiancee and long time BF]"  She also confirmed that BPDxw tells her now that I broke up the marriage by having affairs and then leaving (while I did file for divorce, I never had an affair, and she didn't even dare to allege that in court), and other nonsense, like I had never paid her child support. 

At the end of our talk, my daughter was in a really good mood.  I think (and others told me) that she probably suspected all this for a long time, but was torn because her mom's story didn't hold up to scrutiny.  But because unlike her mom, I don't spend all our time together badmouthing my ex, blaming her for everything, making up entire false narratives about it, etc. her mom's side was all she had to go on.  Now that she had my side to corroborate her gut feelings about her mom and who was right, it was reassuring to her. 

The "I wasn't the crazy one" feeling is such a relief. 

I understand and many of us here also do. I've done a lot of work on the issues in my own family of origin. I think it's a work in progress. We come a long way, then some other experience shows us there's more work to do. That's OK- it's all  a learning process. I don't think anyone "has it all done/together"- it's all about personal growth over time, which is what you are doing. 

When a pwBPD is in victim perspective, inevitably if someone doesn't step in to "rescue" them, then they are in bad guy position. So that is a part of the situation, but it doesn't make it true.

You are so right here. I think what I'm looking for is reassurance of what I already know. Our whole relationship from the time I set boundaries with her up to this point has been her trying to push me into a position to intervene and defend her. That had been my role growing up. When I finally recognized that it was dysfunctional and harmful (to both of us), I sought therapy to understand the dynamic better and established healthy, but difficult boundaries. It was a process, and she did everything she could to force my hand - going so far as to attempt to legally compel me (unsuccessfully). That was such a difficult situation because it involved a public battle with her and the rest of my family not understanding - so I really looked like a jerk. I told my therapist then that in reflecting on it, I could see that she was always going to do this - she was always going to escalate her attempts to pull me in - and she did. Ultimately, I insisted that if she wants a relationship with me, she needs to "meet me on healthy ground" - and I clearly defined that as ground where we both matter equally (rather than her needs driving everything). That was not easy for her or me - but it was exactly the right thing to do and the boundary has been in place successfully now for a couple years. As each new battle comes up and as I continue to uphold these boundaries, it's just a reminder of how hard she makes things for me in my family. But, if I'm honest, it seems to be getting a little easier. Thanks for responding. I just needed to sort it through.








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Thanks NotWendy,
This scenario and my actions would have been totally different with my non bpd son. It helps validate that truth. I do give myself some grace for my response back then. I was the emotional caretaker for my mentally ill Dad. Not protected by my Mom. I'm thinking because it gave her a break from his neediness and other issues. Also, my first marriage was physically abusive for many years, then verbally and emotionally abusive.
Believe it or not I've actually come a long way, with many years of personal work off and on over the years.
I know I can overcome my struggle with rescuing  my swbpd. You all have been a support for me in this.

I think what you recognize is a behavioral conflict pattern, clothed in some kind of "moral battle" but is actually dysfunction.

It may help to separate the dysfunctional pattern from the presumption of "morality" and see that this is drama which puts her at the center of attention.

When a pwBPD is in victim perspective, inevitably if someone doesn't step in to "rescue" them, then they are in bad guy position. So that is a part of the situation, but it doesn't make it true.

You want her to have peace in her life but you also can want peace for yourself. We are the ones to choose that for ourselves. She's the one in constant battle. You don't have to be.

There are many ways to help with injustice and we can choose our own causes and how to help. Let's say for example, her current issue is she's feeling like someone was injust to her, and hurt her and is rallying against domestic violence. You don't have to step into her drama but if this is a moral cause for you, you can donate to a local shelter or organization that is effective in helping with this cause. She doesn't decide your moral actions- you do.

What you do to act morally in the world is your choice, and not your sister's to decide for you.