Hi,
I live in DFW area and am a gay male, 60 years.  Married to a BPD who is 35 for 10 years.  I am done with this relationship.  I no longer feel the feelings that i used to feel and am just done.  However, I discovered the SWOE book and workbook and see that 99%applies to my spouse. I am afraid to leave.

So i am in a learning mode and seeking clarity, wisdom, and comradery.

Thanks!

Hi samss,

Thanks for coming back and sharing an update with us.

I’m glad to hear you were able to find some support in real life. Having a therapist who understands BPD can help bring a bit of grounding when things feel this overwhelming.

It also sounds like there’s been a bit of a shift for you. Earlier it felt like you were trying to put out all the fires at once, and now it seems like you’re focusing more on yourself and the things you actually can control. That’s not always an easy pivot to make, but it can bring a little more steadiness.

The line that really stood out to me was when you said your heart hurts knowing this is what she is like right now. Under everything else, it sounds like a dad who loves his daughter deeply and is trying to figure out how to hold onto that love while also taking care of himself.

Working on your own footing and leaving the door open without chasing can be a hard kind of love.

You’re not alone here.

Hi,

Thank you for checking in on me. I found a therapist that specializes in BPD. She sent me this PDF that she asked me to share with my daughter. My daughter's response was "I don't want your support. I want you to leave me alone and not contact me again." I'm sure when the money for copays runs out she'll be in touch again. The therapist said that when she wants more money that I have to make it a stipulation that if I pay for her copays then she has to come to family therapy with me to see this therapist.

My daughter's rages and lashing out are just obscene. She says the vilest and meanest things. There's nothing to respond to when she says them. I don't even bother. She probably sees it as having won. I'm sorry for her. I have a mixture of pity and love for her every time I interact with her.

She said previously she was jealous of me for having had a child and a life and a job and a place to live and that she would never have any of those things. She is stuck in her inaction. She blames the various ailments as the cause. She won't even take any baby steps because her mother enables her because it makes our daughter dependent on her mom.

For now, I'm working on me and my stuff. I left it that I'll always be there for her if she wants to reach out. My heart just hurts knowing this is what she is like now.

That is a lot to deal with at once, all while being out of work and not really feeling missed by your team members.  I can see how that would really weigh on someone- especially with her kid out living life.

For the pizza thing, I wouldn't sweat it too much.  You did it with honest intentions and it didn't work out that way.  In real relationships, people forgive and forget, so hopefully that's what you have.

So do I. She is a good woman. She has much on her mind at the moment. I’ve said when a relationship gets to a year something usually comes along to test that relationship.

There are many things. She has fallen out with her brother and not spoken to him for two years, because their parents are elderly and need help and she feels she isn’t getting that help from him.
Her daughter has gone travelling for a year, and 4 months in she is missing her.
She has a bad knee and couldn’t really walk. She hasn’t been able to work in the bar for over a month. She feels she hasn’t been supported by people at work and the atmosphere has been toxic there for a while (it has, I agree) and she thought I wasn’t supporting her or sticking up for her because I hadn’t told her that I actually had. She now knows I have, and thanked me and also thanked me for the fact that in a year I only missed going in for one of her shifts and that I used to help her tidy up and lock up without fail (well once, in a year) She quit the job this Saturday and feels better for doing so.
Our year anniversary of getting together. I’d asked her in the morning if she wanted to do something. She said see how the day goes and we didn’t end up doing anything. I’d gone home to feed the dogs and made some pizza dough to cook a couple of pizzas. We had spoken about doing this together as I’d suggested it a few weeks ago, and when she asked what I was up to I told her I had made some pizza dough. Because I am an idiot I didn’t realise this was insensitive and would trigger her, as in my male brain I think we can do this together whenever and the fact I was doing it to knock up some food for my son wasn’t a problem. It was.

That being said, it’s the only mistake I have made in a year. Although this was nearly a week after the letter came, and the messages changed

Hi there samss,

Checking in with you after you have had a chance to process all this.

Many times I've witnessed my adult BPD stepdaughter attempt to air out her grievances with family members, purportedly to seek out apologies or some sort of closure, only to be disappointed yet again.  Once I asked my stepdaughter, what sort of response would satisfy her?  She said something like, She should be punished.  Then I pressed, Well let's say she's locked up in jail for ten years.  How would that make you feel any better?  She looked shocked as she realized, her pain and distress wouldn't go away.  Yet she doesn't quite realize that she misattributes the sources of her distress.  She still tends to blame others, when I think her central issues are unrealistic expectations, giving up too easily and retreating in avoidance of the stress of adult life.

Sometimes I wonder if my stepdaughter just wants to go back to being a kid, and be taken care of like one.  I think she pines for the carefree summers of sleepovers and hanging out.  I've noticed that she gravitates towards kids' movies, perhaps triggering a sense of nostalgia in her?  When both her (long divorced) parents sold their homes when she reached college age, I think she experienced the change as "trauma."  She characterized the situation as being "homeless," which was untrue--she had her own bedroom in both her bio parents' new homes.  Her parents just didn't need to live close to her childhood neighborhood anymore, because she had graduated from high school.  I guess I'm trying to say that I think her big "trauma" in life is having to grow up and be an adult, when she's not ready and would prefer being taken care of like a kid.  She's not ready to face the stresses of managing her day, making money, handling a budget, making tough choices, carving out an adult's life for herself.  And she's furious that her former friends have moved on, as they are busy with their adult lives, while making her feel left out, as well as extremely jealous of all their accomplishments.  I think that's the source of a lot of her anger . . . and she's furious at her parents for pushing her to grow up before she's ready.  Maybe she feels "abandoned," because she doesn't feel right living with her parents anymore, and her friends have left her behind.  Maybe she craves finding a husband to take care of her, but she just hasn't had a serious romantic relationship yet, and she's mad about that too.  Her life just isn't fair!!!!  Does that ring true?

Hmm, I "sort of" get it.  I mean, if my ex's in-laws start to go downhill, I'll want to support however I can.  They were mostly good to me over the years and I still love them...it's not their fault their daughter fled our marriage.  So I can see being pulled back in to some degree by a letter like that, even though I still would want very little to do with my actual ex.

Maybe you're right, maybe it stirred up so many former memories, it's just making this a tough moment in time.  Hopefully if you give her some grace and wait it out a bit, there's still a chance things can work out.

The last part though- that he's concerned for a sick parent yet going out of the country for a month, that sort of boils my blood.  My BPD daughter is notorious for using other people's misfortune as a way to seek sympathy in her life, and it's one of the few things I still struggle with not reacting to.  There's wrong, then there's WRONG!!!  This is certainly the latter for me.

Keep your head up, my friend, and I hope this works itself out soon.

I agree with Mutt too. In fact my plan was to go little to no contact but she kept reaching out.

With regards to the ex with bpd that sent the letter. No, they have no kids, no shared property, no ties whatsoever. The context of the letter is as follows. Talking about losing a parent and the other parent nearing end of life. Telling my ex he has sold all his music/stopped playing music etc as he only did it for her. So basically pulling at her heart strings. Then mentioning he is moving abroad, to a country where she used to live, a place she loves and likes to get away on holiday to as much as possible. So dangling a carrot.

She did say the letter is contradictory, saying how he was so emotional about his parent that needs care, but also saying he was moving abroad so wouldn’t be around to give his parent the care they need. She then told me a mutual friend had told her he was going on holiday for a month to that country not moving there, and she knows he is a liar.

That's quite bizarre.  Let me ask, does your girlfriend have kids with the ex?  Or other things that bind them (a property, an investment, something like that)?  It feels like the context of the letter would really matter here.

I agree with Mutt, taking a step back to let the dust settle might make sense.  Something is clearly off and if she can't share what that is, maybe you both need a little bit of time.

Rowdy, if I’m understanding this correctly, it sounds like things between you and your girlfriend were going well for quite a while. You took your time before starting the relationship, got to know each other, and by your description it felt calm and respectful. Very different from what you experienced in your marriage.

Then the letter from her ex arrived and around that same time you noticed a shift. The “I love you” messages stopped, she became more distant, and within about a week she ended the relationship saying she felt “unbalanced.” At the same time, she’s still staying in close contact with you. Daily messages, video calls, long conversations.

That’s a confusing place to be. On one hand the relationship has ended, but the emotional connection is still very active.

One thing that stood out to me is that you’re still interacting with her in many of the same ways you would if you were still together. Long conversations and emotional support. Sometimes keeping that same level of contact can make it harder for both people to figure out what the relationship actually is now.

If it were me, I might consider stepping back a little from the boyfriend-level contact. Not out of anger, just to create some space so things can settle and become clearer. When someone says they feel unbalanced and ends the relationship, giving them room to sort through that can sometimes bring more clarity for both people.