Hey y’all, just felt the need to post and vent a little bit. My plan is still in motion to inform my wife in two weeks that I’m divorcing her, and giving her paperwork my lawyer’s preparing.

I’m having a lot of mixed feelings - some days, happiness and can’t wait to rip this Band-Aid off. Other days, almost feel crippled with anxiety over it. I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night. Woke up with disaster vision thinking of the various scenarios I might face.

Working through my task list week by week as I get closer. I’ve got my storage unit and started moving important things to me out of the house. I have a post office box to have packages and change mailing addresses as needed. Currently all the household bills are paid from a joint bank account. Leading up to the time I tell her I’m transitioning all the auto payments to a separate individual bank account. Once I tell her, I won’t be keeping any funds in the joint account. By the end of next week, I’m planning to get some banker boxes to pack up and get some files, passports, other docs I want to be sure are safe out of the house.

I’m resolute, but I still have a lot of moments where I feel like a fraud because of the lies I’m having to tell week by week. I know 100%. This is the right decision. But it does feel bad cause I’m still pretending as if I’m staying. I’m sure it’ll just be one more reason for her to split an attack me.


But even this week, it’s hilarious. There’s daily drinking and marijuana use. She keeps saying things like she’s changed so much, there are hardly any blow ups. (I just think in terms of if this was a spouse getting beat physically would she say “I’m only beating you once month now, you should be happy” ) Such baloney. The other day she talked about how she was respecting my new budget, I recently told her I wasn’t going spend more than $400 a month eating out. Soon to be zero dollars for her. Then last night she asked me if we’re still going out to eat for Thursday or Friday this week. I said yes, but woke up this morning thinking to myself, messed up it is. We have a family day planned out tomorrow that’s probably gonna cost at least $200. The kids are really looking forward to it, I’m hoping we can enjoy the day. Then this weekend my sister comes with her three kids so we have houseguests for five days. And this is the sort of nonsense, I’m already gonna be over budget tomorrow with the family outing, it’s gonna be an additional cost for groceries and what not hosting more people. So now I have to have the conversation which shouldn’t be uncomfortable, but it is because it’s her, letting her know that if she wants to go out for dinner Thursday or Friday she has to pay. And really if she has money to go out she should chip in for groceries instead. That would be common sense. Actually common sense would be not eating out every week, let alone twice a week, which is what she wants and expects.

I know this is gonna cost a lot financially to go through this divorce process, but I still feel very confident that in the long term I’m gonna be much better off financially.

The other little wrinkle happened this past weekend. The details don’t even matter, it’s the same pattern. Escalations, she’s threatening separation and wanted  me to go with her to look at apartments for her. I said she can go look, but it’s not what I wanted to do that day. She wasn’t serious about it, she’s just trying to get attention or wants me to beg for her not to go. I did bring up the apartment listing website on her computer to show her apartments in our area. I left the house to do some grocery shopping and just get away from her. Apparently she had posted something on social media saying she was looking for apartments or something like that. I didn’t see it but while I’m out my 19-year-old daughter text me and asked me what’s this post mom just did about an apartment? My wife must’ve taken it down right away because it wasn’t on her page when I saw it and my daughter said she didn’t see it either anymore. But my wife talked to her mother. And that’s when her mom told her she wanted to come down right away…


Now my MIL is pretty good and definitely sees the patterns and extreme behaviors. But I would also consider her an enabler. She doesn’t call my wife out on her behaviors. And even though she’s seen my wife explode, she still says platitudes to me that it takes two to argue… after my wife rages that takes two?? Anyway, I’ve texted my mother-in-law a couple times since then and she hasn’t responded, which is fairly unusual. I just texted her and let her know she’s of course welcome anytime and if she had made any decisions about what dates she might come down. Crickets so far. For me the dilemma is I don’t know if this is going to mess up my plans on how I’m going to tell my wife. I actually think it may be a really good thing if her mother is here to give her support, maybe even be present when I tell her.

Logistically this messes me up a little bit however if my mother-in-law is here the week, I’m telling my wife… I had it all planned out that while my wife is at work for the day I would be doing the last-minute packing up of my things frantically, moving a few things into storage so making a few trips there. But the bigger thing was installing a deadbolt on the spare room door and moving all my belongings from our bedroom to the spare room, essentially moving myself in there and having a locked room to keep things in complete with cameras.  If my mother-in-law is there, she’ll be staying in the spare room is the issue. There’s no other area that’s really available for me to put my clothes and bedroom belongings.

Anyway, it’ll be what it’ll be. Trying to look at this positively. Her mom might be able to calm her down somewhat and it would be good for my wife to have support, or help her in finding an apartment asap would be a dream. But don’t know for sure if she’s coming so continuing as if she won’t be here for the time being.

He will be 44 in April.  He had a forceps delivery that caused a head injury at birth which gave him headaches since birth until I realized at 10 that he had issues and sought manual therapy and helped that but he struggle in school with LD in reading, writing,math.  He kept it together at school and blew up at home.  I tried taking him to a counselor but that caused more scars (I didn't know what he need but I knew their technique wouldn't work).   He was also ADD.  He was always oppositional defiant and by the time he was 5 he hated me.  With spiritual warfare that improved and our relationship was good in early teen years because I evolved with approach--pulled from public school, tried 2 private schools (drew picture with dagger through heart at 8 in private school).  Finally homeschooled him and was able to improve his learning environment for all those issues with innovative approaches.  All the time raising his sister and brother (he would literally kick his little brother).  Since it was a challenge to find a counselor that was appropriate for him, I resorted to counseling for myself to learn how techniques to use with him and to address my issues with my past and how to deal with my husband who apparently had his own mental deficits (in denial about our son's mental state and not providing a consistent united front for our son).  So, we made it to adulthood without major issues, he married (2007) and finally he had kids(all und 7 yr.) .  He has always been gainfully employed (never blew up on the job).  Blows up at home.  I raised him to be independent and ultimately he went into business for himself and they have never been financially destitute.  He is a workaholic. Currently they actually have a beautiful house down the block which is quite an accomplishment considering all I have been through with him since the day he was born.  He does not have an offical diagosis BPD and I also believe he is absolutely narcissist ---I think it is a combination.  He has never viewed the world correctly.  Currently he comments that his wife is evil because he says she just stares at him.  After looking at the video about BPD (he has not been suicidal) I heard the comment about reading faces----it fits.  When he first married,  he commented when they were apart, he couldn't visulize her face.  He may not be 100% borderline but the issues include BPD traits and I do need a counselor for me to help me approach him in way that we can even discuss counseling and what to say to my grandkids.  I NEED SKILLS to make through this unbelievable dark time.  We have made it to this point without him taking his first drink ever (ETOH is genetic)---his brother and sister had a big argument with him when he was a young adult.  He wanted to drink "to fit in".  He has been faithful in his marriage and not gone down a path of self destruction.  But if his mousey wife is no longer his wife, I am very concerned.  We have never had the heart ache others have suffered .  I love my daughter in law and she loves us but I want her life to be better but if she does divorce,  my world will be more of a mess.  My husband has mentally always been a challenge to communicate with (due to environmental challenges I now realize) and it has progressed to just a little bit of dementia.  I need a counselor for me that understands borderline personality so I can receive wise counsel for myself !  My daughter talked with him and told him he need counseling but he is convinced he is the only one that is right and refuses to go (my daughter in law is in counseling and that is why she had the courage to leave---she believes in joint counseling) .  In his eyes no one else knows anything! Sorry for the long response,  This is it .

This reveals why the relationship filled a need in you... not being a stranger to toxic relationships... likely you probably grew up in a dysfunctional home or regularly exposed to acting-out dysfunctional people?  There was something about him that resonated with the childhood that shaped you?

Our members often ask, "How was it that I picked him/her or he/she picked me?  Why me and not so many others?  Why was I the one who decided to stick with that person despite the mental health signs?"  It's often because we tend to gravitate toward the familiar.  Besides discussing this in peer support - which of course is helpful - you can also decide to seek counseling to discuss and learn why you're inclined to persist in troubled relationships.

I recall when I first met with a counselor, thought it turned out she wasn't a good fit.  I didn't know it then but my marriage was months away from a horrible separation and divorce.  I sought help for dealing with my ranting and raging spouse but during those three sessions all the counselor asked about was my FOO (family of origin).  I was disappointed to not hear even one suggestion or explanation.  I later learned a clue - "personality dysfunctions" - from a hospital staffer, which led me to here.  I have no idea why the counselor didn't mention the variety of Personality Disorders.  She was looking into my childhood interactions but the immediate urgency at the time was the imploding marriage.


We have dozens of books listed in our Books board.  One book there discussing the push/pull dynamic is I hate you - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality.  That's quite a contrast, from one extreme to the other, but so commonly experienced and described here.

I had started attending Al-Anon once a week.  I told J1 about it. 

"See? I'm taking responsibility for my side of the street.  I'm doing the work."

I remember she laughed when I told her.  The kind of laugh that meant:

"Al-Anon? That's for the loved ones of alcoholics.  But you don't have an alcoholic in your life.  What a waste of time."

I told my story at the first meeting.  I was brief. 

Afterward a woman came up to me. "So, your wife's a nurse?"

I hadn't said anything about her job.

"I've been doing this a long time," she said.  "The patterns get easier and easier to spot."

Driving home from that first meeting--having heard about detachment and powerlessness, and realizing that I had fallen into a predictable pattern--I thought:

I'm just as sick as she is.

I cried. 

Al-Anon taught me that when the storm is coming there's only one thing to do:

Do not interrupt chaos.  Let the bad thing happen.

I had been conditioned to preempt and absorb chaos.  Now I'm supposed to just let it happen?

It was my son's 4th birthday.  Friends and family. Cake and presents.  G and her husband stopped by.  J1 was drunk. 

The next day everything changed. 

We hadn't even eaten the rest of the cake yet.  The balloons were still floating around the ceiling.  His gifts were still scattered around.

"You and G are having an affair."

We were in our bedroom--her bedroom--and she had printed out pages and pages of phone records.  She had highlighted call logs, scribbled notes in the margins.  She kept a small notebook, just like I did at work.

She had been investigating me.

She didn't demand that I confess.  She had already decided what I had done.

I remember bringing logic into the room: "If I'm having an affair I'm doing a terrible job of keeping it a secret.  Why would I introduce you to a woman with whom I'm having an affair? Why would she introduce me to her husband? Why would I bring them to our home?"

"To throw me off the scent," she replied.

This played out over the next few weeks.  Her drinking intensified.  She became more and more confident in her story about me. 

She called my friends and told them.  She told my coworkers.  She told friends that I was interested in their wives.  She called my parents in the middle of the night.

No matter how I explained myself, J1 had a response pre-loaded:

"That's a convenient story."
"You're being defensive."
"Don't bother trying to explain."
"Why are you so angry?"

I was angry.  Not at the accusations.  I was angry that it took an alleged affair for her to pay attention to us.

And I was terrified by the deja vu.  Her self-assured tone.  The rage in her eyes.  The speed with which she went from suspicion to verdict. 

Eventually J1 softened.  It felt like I was getting somewhere.  She was seeing the light.  I was not the man she accused me of being.

"Maybe this wasn't a sexual affair," she conceded. 

Maybe I could I survive this with my integrity intact, I thought.

Not quite.

"Maybe this wasn't a sexual affair.  But it was definitely an emotional affair."

That was the first time I had heard such a term.  Emotional affair.  And the more I heard about it, by her definition it was an emotional affair: 

"Two people who talk often and know things about each other and confide in each other."

To me: that's simply a friend.

See, J1 had a rule that was very strictly enforced: no one was allowed to visit our house--our hiding spot in the woods--without her knowing first.  Friends, family, they had to ask before coming over.  I even installed an alarm on the driveway so she'd know if someone had pulled in.

I didn't have an affair.  I invited someone into our world without asking permission.  That was the real violation. 

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry we're meeting like this and I feel for your struggles.  I've faced them as well and was equally lost.

Does your son have a formal diagnosis?  And is he in counseling at all?  How old is he?

I'm asking because despite everyone's best intentions, the only person who can change your son's behavior is himself.  He has to want it and he has to want to fight for his family.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I've walked the same path.  My BPD daughter is coming up on 27.

You talked a lot about your daughter and what she's done to get treatment (or avoid treatment).  But what have you done for yourself?  I ask because raising a BPD kid leads to mental health issues for everyone in the household (insomnia, depression, stress, etc).

You can't fix your kid- it's 100% impossible.  But if you invest in yourself as you distance from her problems, a lot of good can come from it long term.

There's two schools of thought on this.

Group #1 says to go no-contact and don't contact him at all.  He will eventually miss you and try to win you back.

Group #2 says to have minimal communication- occasional check-ins with just basic "How ya doing" types of stuff.  No mention of the relationship, no mention of who did what...just quick little chats to let him know you're still here.

Which is right?  I honestly don't know.  Many BPDs hop from one relationship to the next in record time.  Not because they didn't care, but because they can't stand being alone and the next person helps them avoid grieving entirely .  In a nutshell, they run from their problems instead of facing them...that's essentially why you broke up.

I'd lean more towards the 2nd school of thought if you can have a calm conversation with zero expectations.  You could also write him a letter if you feel like there's stuff left unsaid and you're worried that he won't listen.

Again, he's facing a mountain of shame and self-sabotaging that will make the next step difficult regardless.  There's no right or wrong answer here and you should do what's in your heart.  Just set your expectations as low as possible.

As J1's addiction intensified so did my loneliness within the marriage.  I felt like I was a stranger in my own home. 

It got to the point where she'd be home from work for two hours before she said hello.

I was desperate for something to make me feel real.  Something of consequence.  I found it at work, in a case that nearly cost me my career and my marriage.

This case could be an entire story in and of itself, so I'll do my best to be brief and to protect sensitive details.

There was a non-profit organization in the city in which I was a cop.  Years earlier the president--an attorney I'll call "AE"--came to the PD claiming she was being harassed by someone unhappy with the organization.  I investigated and concluded that there was no criminal aspect to her complaint.

I also learned that AE had filed affidavits in which she exaggerated--and in some places invented--police involvement to make her situation seem more dangerous than it was.  Except we hadn't done any of that.  All I did was make some phone calls and send a couple of emails.

I realized I was being used as a prop in someone else's theater. 

I immediately ended my investigation, alerted our local DA to what was happening, and told AE that I would not entertain any more of her complaints. 

The cop in me knew something was wrong.  AE was lying in court over something seemingly trivial.  Why was she so intent on silencing this person? 

On paper the organization was successful, bringing in over $200k a year.  A lot of money for an organization of this type.  In person, their facility was barely functioning.  It was a rundown mess.

A few years later an arrest report landed on my desk.  State officials had arrested the organization's manager. 

I read the details and my stomach dropped.  They arrested the wrong person.  I knew it.  And I knew that they knew it.

State officials had been responding to complaints about AE for years.  They knew who was responsible.  So why did they let her walk?

Within weeks I found dozens of victims: customers defrauded, employees unpaid, young volunteers injured.  This was a pattern and had been going on for years. It seemed like every day I was meeting a new victim with the same story.

I met with the DA and put it plainly: AE was the only person responsible for the organization.  She needed to be stopped.  I was sure that this case could even include Federal charges. 

Quietly I thought: if this case sticks, those "Thank you, Matt's" are going to feel really good.

The DA fumbled through her papers.  "The lady running this organization...what was her name again?"

She knew her name.  Why the sudden amnesia? 

When our meeting ended I thought to myself: "This case is going nowhere."  Not because the facts weren't there. Because there must be a reason why AE has never been charged.

So I did what I always do when it feels like reality is fading: I worked harder to make the truth--and myself--undeniable. 

I later learned that as soon as that meeting ended, the DA phoned a friend connected to the organization. "Be careful," she warned. "The cops are coming."

I had conducted hundreds of investigations by this point.  I had never had a case thrown out.  Another DA commented to me: "You're investigating AE? Uh oh, she's in trouble if you're going after her." 

This never felt like heroism to me.  It felt like defending the truth.  And if the DA was committed to ignoring this case, I would make it so she couldn't. 

The evidence piled up.  Boxes and boxes of it.  Even AE's own text messages in which she admitted to the scheme.  It all pointed to her guilt.

Yet the DA denied me at every turn.

She didn't claim prosecutorial discretion.  I could have handled that.  The DA instead argued that the information I had compiled was not evidence of a crime.  That no crime had been committed.  She was telling me I didn't know how to do my job.

Department brass was getting uncomfortable too.  Supervisors who had nothing to do with my investigation began calling me into meetings.

"What's your beef with AE? What is she, an ex-girlfriend? Does she owe you money? Why don't you just let this go?"

I could feel the smear campaign starting.  I was becoming inconvenient and I could sense how this would end.  If they can't puncture the investigation, and they can't make me go away, then they'll have to make me look bad. 

They will rewrite me, question my motives and my competence.  Then they can ostracize me. 

And that's what ended up happening.  I became too inconvenient, so AE turned around and filed a complaint about me.  She filed dozens of pages claiming that I had committed procedural violations, that I was harassing her, even committing crimes on duty.   The Department investigated and privately told me: "We know who she is.   You have nothing to worry about." 

And they punished me anyway.

Ultimately it amounted to a slap on the wrist and a really embarrassing hour in the Chief's office.  I left that meeting with a feeling that had become all too familiar:

I wasn't punished for being wrong.  I was punished for refusing to participate in the lie.  Once I became inconvenient the argument was no longer about facts.  It was about my integrity.

But there were still all those victims counting on me.  I didn't want to let them down.  And, if I'm being honest, the case had stopped being about just them.  It had become about whether the truth really mattered at all.  It had become about my ability--and right--to see the truth accurately and live inside of it.

I could have let it go.  But that would have revealed a truth I wasn't ready to accept:

That I could do everything in good faith and still be treated like the bad guy.  And all the effort in the world couldn't stop it.

It seemed like J1 wasn't really interested in what I was doing at work.  This case was extensive; the details were juicy.  Yet the more I talked about it, the less she seemed to hear me.  I felt like I was fighting for the truth alone.

She told me to let it go.  I didn't know if she was trying to protect me, or protect herself from a story she didn't want to hear about.

I refused to go quietly.  I told the Chief that I would release all of my reports to the press.  I would openly defy him, but I would follow the rules while I did it. So that's what I did.

This case brought me into contact with lots of people.  Five of us really bonded over this whole thing.  Each of us was in some way related to the organization and we decided to join forces.  We formed a grassroots organization of our own.  We never broke any rules, but we were intent on exposing the truth about AE.

We talked often.  Phone calls, texts, emails.  We met in person a few times. 

These were friends who saw the same truth I did.  They believed me and I believed them.  We were invested in what each other thought and wanted and needed.  We were a team.

One woman and I ("G") were particularly friendly.  We talked often, whether it was one on one or within the group.  I knew about her life and she knew about mine.  She was quite a bit older than me, with a family of her own.

G and I only met her in person four or five times.  Each time was in public with the group or with one of our family members present.  Nothing about our friendship felt romantic.  It wasn't about romance.  There was no flirty talk, no innuendo. 

It was about two people sharing the same experience and being committed to the same goal, without having to explain it or justify it.
 
And I tried to integrate that feeling into my marriage.  J1 and I went to G's house and met her husband and kid.  G and her husband came to our house.  I wanted J1 to see that part of my life.  I wanted her to meet the people who understood what I was experiencing, hoping that some of that connection would transfer to our marriage.

I didn't realize it then, but I was threatening the very foundation that the marriage was built upon.  And it wasn't love, trust and companionship.

I learned the hard way that the marriage was built upon me not having a reality outside of it.

It actually really does help. I don’t know how to reach out and let him know it’s ok without triggering him or looking like an ex who won’t take a hint but he was talking normally planning future stuff with me until it all blew up minutes later

Thanks. I’m no stranger to toxic relationships and oddly he has been the only one where the good times have been good. So hard to know what to do