Struggling with the fact I know it’s over because it has to be surely? But I know there is someone out there I love with all my heart I want to help. She wouldn’t accept that help. My conscious is clear I did everything I could to save us. Sure I made mistakes - but like you said I’m human.

It’s hard my mum has quoted her off her phone etc and I know that’s hurt my ex and took it badly. My mum doesn’t get BDP as it’s not my story to tell. But after the first time there were serious conversations. Where my ex apologised - yet she now homes stuff against me she apologised for.

Kids - there 5 and 8. They love her, and she is amazing with them. My eldest told her not long ago you are part of the family. It filled my heart. I always made it clear if I told kids it was over it has to be definitive it can’t be backwards and forwards - looks like conversation will happen later today, as the four of us were due to go away for a night on Thursday and ther will be questions of where she is.


In terms of me - I reached out to my therapist and going  to try and get something booked in for next week. Notting major just a chat and get stuff off my chest.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry that you're going through this and the same thing happened in my marriage.  One day, my wife simply said "I'm done" and there was nothing I could do about it.  I hate that it's so common in these relationships but there's a lot you can do to prevent that if you do decide to reconcile someday.

First, you're not a failure.  You can't fix anyone, much less someone with mental illness, so you have to let these types of thoughts go.  It is not your fault.

Second, it's not your fault for not doing better.  Were there things you could have done?  Sure.  But you're human and you messed up at times, just like all of us do.  Part of a relationship is forgiveness and meeting someone halfway, which doesn't happen in a lot of BPD relationships.  That's not your fault at all.

Third, the next place people usually go with their thoughts is, "Well, I should have known not to bring her into my mids lives."  You said something similar, but there's no truth to it.  At first, the relationship was wonderful because she loved everything you loved.  That was part of the mental illness as well, holding new partners on a pedestal and then being shocked when it turns out they're not perfect.  There's no way you could have known and none of this is directly your fault.

What's next?  This just happened and after a few days, she might come to her senses.  Then you have to have a serious discussion about the future and if it's "worth it."  Nobody here can give you that answer and we can't help you decide.  Every relationship is unique and even though you and I have so much in common, we can't walk in each other's shoes. 

I ultimately divorced because there was a lot more to the story and my wife left me to rush into another relationship.  I forgave her and could have reconciled, but she always would have had one foot out the door and that's not fair to anyone.  In my case, in those circumstances, it wasn't "worth it".  That doesn't mean you have the same story though.

What are you struggling the most with right now?  Have you considered counseling to talk some of this out?  How old are your kids?  Tell us a little more of the story when you can.

Hey all,

So BDP. It’s something I don’t think you can prepare for in a partner. And something that is extremely difficult and emotionally draining to live with. I think I just need a virtual cuddle to say I did everything I could and I am doing this for the sake of me and my loved ones. And I’m sorry if this isn’t the place to do this.

So as of yesterday I met my partner at work. We kept it quiet because I didn’t feel like I wanted it to be advertised and at the time my partner was off work due to her MH. So if memory serves me right, we weren’t actually in a relationship whilst in the office together if that makes sense, as after her illness she went to a new workplace. I was dealing with issues around my children and their mother and this was the main course of our relationship ending then. At the time I had no idea What BDP was let alone knowing I was with someone who had it. I went away due to decline in my MH and we separated. After that I took time off work and disclosed that relationship and made it clear she did nothing wrong professional lot and it was agreed that we it would be treated sensibly and protect her professional integrity as much as possible.

Several months later she got back intouch. We sat down had a giant heart to heart and agreed many mistakes were made and to draw a line citing mistakes on both parts. Things started off fine, therapy she was having then identified BDP - which made sense given her outburst, irrational thoughts, complete reassurance constantly. I did research spoke to people and felt i understood and my actions reflected what she needed to hear regardless of it I agreed or not. But this is never enough is it? Feels like it’s more and more. Two weeks ago - she asked do I talk about her at work? I said given the issues before whilst people are aware of our relationship I keep it at arms lengths just for the extra protection. She took this bad - as bad as I see her and the essence of breaking up. I said to her that it’s valid to feel whatever you want but why is this randomly brought up? I do t and still do t get it! So we navigated this for a couple of weeks and yesterday it all came ahead. I went to her house to help with some chores. She went quiet all of a sudden (splitting) and it seemed okay and we walked the dog before I went home. I kissed her bye, said I love you so did she and left. I got back I asked if she was okay and the message I received was “the relationship is over”. Obviously that hurt. Her view is the whole work thing. If you know you know but it was completely irrational. She had it I. Her head ice ruined her a career. She has just started a new job with a decent salary and I am proud of her.

I know and still do think she doesn’t want this really. I said let’s talk, but it was a barrage of we are done we are over. When this happened last time I kept it quiet and it consumed me mainly because I didnr understand. But now I do, mostly. So I spoke to mum and she reminded what my own therapist said - respect boundaries. She doesn’t want to with you, then respect that. So I have- for the sake of the children mainly. As it will hurt as they are very fond of her.


I know this is an episode and will hopefully for her sake calm down in a few days. But I also know she will try to rekindle but I’ve said no - I just can’t. I can’t be told no no no no and beg for her to stay. I did that once and I hurt me so bad.


She loves me, I love her we told eachother that ealier. Am I a failure for not fixing her or doing better? And I a failure to my children for introducing them to her and now they will miss her on holidays we have! Am I a failure for not trying to revolve it and give one more chance when there been ample? And finally? Am I a failure full stop!


My heart aches but my conscious is clear I did everything I could to.

Me too, I started a job on my 15th birthday, which was the first possible day to work in my state.  But even before then, I cut lawns in the neighborhood, took care of animals, helped neightbors with manual labor, etc.  I wanted that money so I could spend it on whatever I wanted.

This generation is built different and i think the internet/social media/technology has a lot to do with that.  It's crushed work ethics in general so it's not strictly a BPD thing.  But since I raised two kids close in age, I could clearly see the differences.  One had a healthy fear of respecting mom/dad, being corrected, and doing the right thing.  The other wasn't going to be told what to do no matter what.  If you punished her, then her life's mission became punishing you harder.  And this started at like 6.

How could we have fixed that?  Honestly, I have no idea.  I tried being compassionate, I tried screaming, I tried every possible thing I could think of.  Nothing changed my kid's iron will; she was like a super-villian in that way.  If I really wanted her to do something, all I had to do was ask her once or twice, then follow up with, "That's okay, I knew you couldn't do it anyway."  Then she'd move Heaven and Earth to prove me wrong.

Her whole life's mission from maybe 8 to 18 was, "Prove dad wrong."

Looking back, I see that I had to be the bad guy.  That's the only thing that kept her off the streets or in jail.  I was the one constant in her life that never backed down, never gave into her antics.  She hated me deeply, but that's the role I had to play for her to learn some semblance of responsibility.  I don't regret it at all.

I totally agree with you here Pook.  I grew up with tons of chores, probably more than the average kid.  I had to work to earn money for luxuries.  I had summer jobs from the time I was old enough to get one.  I feel like I worked hard for what I wanted, but I also valued what I worked for all the more.  And you know what?  By doing so many chores throughout childhood, and by having summer jobs, I mastered them.  I knew from a young age what home ownership entailed, from daily cleaning to mowing to fixing toilets to sanding floors to spackling and painting to staining the deck to shoveling snow to sealcoating the driveway.  I folded laundry for as long as I can remember; I ironed from age 10.  I did tons of babysitting--bathing my younger siblings, making their beds, dressing them, diapering, potty training them in the summer, breaking up their squabbles, reading to them, picking up their toys, the works.  I clipped coupons, helped with the weekly supermarket shopping, knew exactly how much food cost and helped prepare meals, learning cooking with repeated practice.  I worked to earn spending money, including money for books, transportation, a phone in my dorm room, etc.--I knew how to budget.  I filled out my own 1040s from age 16 onwards, on paper (before the age of TurboTax), because my dad insisted that I learn how to file my taxes.  If I didn't have enough money for something I wanted, I'd have to wait and save up for it, sometimes for a year or more.  My parents did pay for college tuition, and that was a huge gift, to be able to go to college and focus on studying during the school year, instead of holding a full-time job year-round.  Like you, I had fun as a teen, but I absolutely had to complete my chores first, otherwise my dad wouldn't agree to drive me anywhere.  The unspoken rule was, everyone has to help out, and help each other, to make the household run.  In the process, kids learn responsibility and basic life skills.  The bonus is that college seemed like a cakewalk to me, given a vast reduction in my household duties, since I lived on campus.  All of the sudden, I had oodles of time for actual study.  I loved it!

The contrast with the young adult pwBPD in my life is striking.  She had ZERO chores growing up.  She was allowed to have her room "however she wanted," which was invariably a mess, including taking the drawers completely out of her dresser and leaving them in the middle of the floor amidst a pile of clothes and trash(?!?).  Even though there were hooks and towel bars in her bathroom, she always left her wet towels on the floor; and even though there was a bathroom trash basket, the trash ended up on the floor, too.  There was only a 50% chance that she'd flush the toilet after using it.  Honestly, she grossed me out.  Maybe some of this behavior was passive-aggressive, I don't know.  But she was a slob wherever she lived in her early adulthood--it wasn't just limited to when she lived with me and her dad.

Alas, she didn't really have summer jobs, because she wanted her summers off, as a reward for studying during the school year.  This persisted into her college years, even when she withdrew from college multiple times--she still wanted to go on Spring Break and have her summer "off."  And you know what?  I think she lost many opportunities in her teens and early adulthood to learn basic life skills, like being responsible for completing household tasks (even when she didn't want to), taking care of her environment and saving and budgeting.  She had trouble with entry-level jobs in her mid-20s, I think because she was so passive and unaccustomed to working.  She didn't know how to figure out what needed to be done, or how to lend a hand to her workmates, by the sound of things.  She didn't really know the value of money, either, because she hadn't earned much of anything.  One time she blew my mind, asking for a $5,000 designer handbag for Christmas, in an impractical white and feather design, and I was thinking, does she have any idea how long it would take to save up that amount of money, for such a frivolous item?  Meanwhile, she wouldn't go with her parents to the grocery store, or help unpack the groceries, let alone lend a hand with dinner, or set the table, or clear the dishes, or wipe down the counters or stovetop.  So when it came time for her to undertake some of these responsibilities in her mid-20s, in her dorm or apartment, she was clueless.  When she lived with roommates, she discovered that other people wouldn't tolerate her messiness/unhelpfulness/apparent laziness and bad temper, and she would be kicked out.  She didn't know how to budget, either.  She couldn't tolerate waiting for something she wanted, let alone work consistently to save up over time.  Ditto going to the grocery, meal planning and preparation, and so she ordered DoorDash and UberEats, and wondered why she would run out of spending money so quickly . . .

That's a long-winded way of saying that by skipping chores and part-time jobs growing up, in the name of reducing familial stress, tension and outbursts from her, has some long-term impacts.  There are some obvious effects like reduced comptence with "adulting," but I think that's just a small part of the issue.  After all, it doesn't take that long to learn how to cook or clean or do laundry or waitress in my opinion--I worked as a waitress too, I'm not disparaging honest work!  I think the bigger issue is a negative mindset--one of feeling entitled instead of empowered, feeling overwhelmed instead of competent, feeling aggrieved instead of dealing with life's nuissances, feeling resentful instead of responsible, feeling confused instead of confident, conflating wants with needs, prioritizing what is easy and fun instead of what's healthy but hard, prioritizing leisure over work.

Anyway, I think that age-appropriate chores and jobs are basically training for adulthood.  By not having chores or age-appropriate paid work as a kid, she missed out on years of basic training in my opinion, and with that, she lacks the scaffolding of healthy habits and the positive mindset that would help her accomplish her goals.  She lacks experience.  She lacks grit.  She lacks patience.  She lacks conflict-resolution skills.  She lacks planning and time-management skills.  She lacks the confidence that comes with years of overcoming minor challenges, snags, failures and discomforts in low-stakes environments, like in the home and teenage jobs.  She doesn't know that she can handle most problems thrown her way, because she lacks practice.  The result?  She feels "behind."  She feels inferior.  She feels upset.  She resists taking responsibility.  Add to the mix her BPD challenges of emotional immaturiity and instability, and adult life seems impossibly overwhelming to her.  It's no wonder she completely fell apart in her early 20s.  It was just too much, because she was unprepared.

There are many different types of family therapy and some with not all members present all the time. For example, you or your daughter could be both or each in individual therapy with some sessions with both of you.

I appreciate all of this so much. I trust the board and so advisor insight that doesn’t land helps his significantly as advice that does and so I appreciate each and every single comment and the time taken.  Thank you all.

For me, that line was so very clear- yes means yes, no means no.  I ALWAYS SAID YES but with strings attached to normal everyday life.  You want to go spend time with friends?  No problem.  Just clean up your room before you go.  Now, it's not on me anymore...it's on the kid to be responsible and helpful, or stay home.  I was fine either way.

However, my BPD wife enabled my BPD daughter by playing referee.  I'm so sorry dad is so strict, he doesn't understand what it's like to be a teenager.  But I absolutely did understand, I had a great time as a teen, but my room was clean before I left the house because my mom never would have let me go otherwise.

What I didn't realize was that my wife also had BPD, although looking back it was crystal clear.  Still, I did the best I could as a parent to be loving and prepare my kids for the world.  It is a tough balance but every therapist said not to walk on eggshells.

Do I think my BPD kid would be different today if her BPD mom didn't always give in and reward her for bad behavior?  Probably.  But I don't blame myself and I don't blame my ex-wife either.  We did the best we could in a really difficult circumstance and our BPD kid was going to always try to take every possible inch she could.  I really don't know that it would have made much of a difference because the kid was iron-willed and refused to ever back down from anything- she'd rather die then give into an ultimatum, regardless of hot trivial it was (like, clean the trash out your car or you're not driving it anymore).

If i had to do it all over again, I honeslty would be more strict.  I would never pay for car insurance, cell phone, etc...my BPD kid would have had a job the day she turned 16 and she would have handled her finances however she wanted.  That sounds mean, but that would have actually helped her a lot today at 27...she's just now starting to figure out a budget.

As to the balance between ballet and counseling- watch your D carefully. The ballet is good for her emotional well being- but if her mental health suffers, it will also impact her ballet.

She is likely at the age where it gets very competitive, as most athletics do. So as long as she's invested in it, she needs to do it at the level and comitment required of her. Pulling time away from this might jeapordize her goals and that would cause her to feel disappointed, and a loss.

If you see her mental health suffering and she's losing interest, then counseling becomes a priority.

I can't emphasize this enough. It was many years later when a local DV shelter had a fund raiser selling T shirts with the slogan "Love Doesn't Hurt" that I realized that in my FOO, what was said to me "your mother loves you" actually did hurt at times.

This isn't to blame anyone. The pwBPD has their own issues and I think people say this to try to make us feel better, but it's confusing. A counselor can help the child process their feelings and feel validated without being critical of either parent or getting on the Karpman triangle.