Greatly said. And yes, it was strange relief but also a strange feeling of being lost. Who am I without all of this chaos? I don’t know what to do. The home is quiet. The good times that actually did exist were no more. Absolutely had panic attacks, could feel my heart flutter at times.  Literally felt dizzy and scared. Sadly even a year out I sometimes still feel this way. I’ve never had anxiety but I’m adjusting and realizing I literally have every ounce of myself to that relationship. BPD relationships take everything from you, because you allowed it. Being codependent and a fixer really messed me up.

Welcome. That sounds exhausting.

What I think is important to me is not just the jealousy, but the length of the arguments and how much you are shrinking yourself to avoid them. That can be draining.

Just because there is a name doesn’t mean the behavior will change. What is usually important is whether the individual is willing to accept responsibility and seek assistance.

You don’t have to make a decision about staying or going today. It might be helpful for you to consider: Could you live like this if nothing changed?

Welcome to BPDFamily, though of course we wish it were for a different, more positive reason.

The jealousy your wife has of you encountering other women even in family and other brief normal-life scenarios is not an uncommon experience with persons having BPD traits.  I experienced this too when my ex-wife was triggered without any logical reason.  And yes, there were many late night rants and rages that continued almost without end deep into the night without resolving anything.

As I started reading your story, my first thought was to suggest you not decide to have children until you were confident the marriage had started a healthy and functional path, but that's a bit too late.  Pregnancy and children make ending a marriage, should that be your decision, vastly more complicated due to the custody and parenting issues involved.

Your wife clearly has some deep trust issues that logical reasoning doesn't overcome.  We have found that logical approaches to conversations (JADE = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) typically doesn't work when the other person is deeply emotionally triggered.

We sometimes talk of BPD "FOG" (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and it could be that she wanted children quickly so you would feel more "obligated" to the marriage once you have children.

Meanwhile, feel free to read our forums here and interact with others who have similarly felt the impact of BPD.  We have a wealth of hard-won collective wisdom, practical strategies and peer support in our various forums.

One option... Would your spouse be receptive to the concept of joining you in marital counseling?  Then the counselor could recommend she also get separate therapy?  (She might reject the idea if you suggested it since she probably has difficulty listening to you without the emotional baggage of the relationship getting in the way and triggering her even more.  An emotionally neutral professional may get a better response.)

Whether to divorce or not is a serious matter.  Likely you will find that your decision will be largely impacted by whether your wife chooses to overcome her fears and trust you.

It's been 2 weeks since I asked him to leave and said I need space , I need to be treated with respect and I need abuse to stop.

I have had all variety of messages (then emails because I blocked him) .  Wild accusations, nasty messages , victim mentality messages, poor me messages , photos of us together sent repeatedly - back to  aggressive, then round and round in a circle.  After a long email on Friday night where he was drawing a line under us other than practical arrangements (dog etc).  He then turned up on Saturday with a card and flowers- no eye contact, handed them over and left.  A lot of poor me messages followed, then angry again , then back to nostalgic.  I have emotional whiplash.

After sending me 2 more photos of us together yesterday I simply replied :  "I am glad you are getting help (he's confirmed its behavioural therapy and anger management - though not mentioned a diagnosis.  He's reluctant to be medicated at all so is doing this first) and I do care, but I need to see accountability and an end to the abuse.  I'll be there to support him regardless if we are a couple but the abuse has to stop.

Sorry rambling

Boundaries are about ourselves. They are our non negotiables. They reflect who we are, not anyone else.  It's not about being judgmental of someone else or not understanding them. It's not about being controlling. It's about what is us, what isn't us- and knowing that line.

Without boundaries, there's chaos. Imagine if there were no traffic boundaries and everyone was driving all over the road, no red lights, no stop signs. Traffic lights aren't good or bad, or indicative of being judgmental. It's how we can drive safely and get to where we need to go.

Imagine a classroom with no boundaries. The kids would be running amok, no classwork would get done.

This "boundary" with your wife on monogamy isn't a boundary, because it's based on her behavior. Saying you would tolerate her having a romantic GF if she could have a stable relationship is putting the boundary contingent on her. That is making a judgement about her- and it's saying "if she was different, she could have a girlfriend".

A marriage/intimate partnership is unique and can have specific boundaries. An example of monogamy being a boundary would be that it is an important aspect of this relationship to you. It's based on you, not anyone else. When you make it about your wife's behavior, and give contingencies based on her behavior- it's no longer a boundary. If there are no non negotiables, there's no boundaries and when matched with someone with BPD who doesn't have her own internal boundaries- there's the chaos.

Boundaries also determine our responses. We have to be willing to act in response to someone violating our boundary. If not, then it isn't a boundary. If your response to someone crossing your boundary is to seek to understand them, and not act on it, then it's not a boundary. What action to take is also a choice, and understanding can help determine that but the boundary has to be clear.

This concept was addressed in a Dr. Phil show (I know it's a show but he made a good point). A family was focused on their one troubled family member and he said "you are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordered person to lead you out".

Your wife's lack of boundaries is because of her disorder. Her behavior is a result of her thoughts and feelings. Changing the course would depend on you. It doesn't mean you need to be a brute. Too strong boundaries aren't good either but yours need to be based on you.

It was a fantastic life and she made me feel 7 feet tall until it was that one event. I thought of it as just a small insecurity and I re-assured her that I am hers and hers forever. I had already proposed by then. She agreed but I was a bit surprised to see this amount of anger in her. I anyway processed it and eventually we got married. Somehow we have still not been able to get over this one issue. I find her lack of trust making me feel super constricted in life. Its like if I even look in the direction of a woman walking, she has issue. We have had massive fights over this and I have been trying to make her really see that I am committed to her and her only, yet somehow she fails to understand. She would doubt me from a credit card woman calling and asking for a review, to me holding my sister's hand when I meet her. I am able to see that she's insecure about me going cheating on her but there has to be trust. Quiet honestly, I am man of my word and would never do something like that which is why I committed to her and got married. I have no plans to pursue more relationships. All I wanted was to have a baby and just give my family a comfortable life.

The fights have really left me drained. I literally feel like I have to explain everything to a toddler and at the end of the argument when she does feel calm, I end up super exhausted. In fact it has changed me as a person where I have to change my lifestyle and my social life so those events don't occur so there would be no conflict.
I have actually doubted myself sometimes if I really have a problem of looking towards other woman a bit too much, but I confirmed it from my own family and my lifetime friends and they say otherwise.

We just conceived as well and don't even get me started on how the hell that happened because honestly, I don't know. We didn't really plan but she kind of manipulated me into believing that we have to have a baby some day and people try for pretty long so lets just do it. Internally, I wanted to wait for a year after marriage and travel before I get to the baby planning. Somehow she almost tricked me into it. I look stupid saying this and I know it is my responsibility as well which I agree with but I am shocked how blinded I was. Also, my reaction to that wasn't all happy, internally I just wanted to wait up, it felt too soon.

Anyway, the fights were messy and I was shocked to hear verbal abuse toward me. I remember contacting my friends to feel if all this is normal or not just to confirm if I am making a big deal out of it. I wanted to think it was just anger and an outburst. She did apologise for it later when she was calm but all of it led me to think that I am loosing myself. I have so less motivation, work wise I started to struggle, which has never been the case. I am 33 and she's 30. In India families live together so she stays with me and my mom, we have a fairly big house and we have all the house helps, cooks and servants and maids for all our home chores.

The last fight was about she feeling I have not been giving her enough time which I proved her wrong and I did not apologise, however, I did tell her, if you feel this way, I will make amends and give even more time thinking it would stop the argument, but it did not. She wanted me to admit that I have been given her less time and to apologise for it which I did not. Not this time. And the argument didn't stop until the morning. She took the fight to my mom as well and then her in laws got involved and we decided to take a few days apart.
In these few days apart, I really thought that she would think through and would realise her part and understand, but in fact she accused me to not understanding her. My family knows all this and asked me to take a divorce. They told me that they see a very negative change in me already and it would just not stop and that I will shrink slowly. I don't think that they are wrong. But should I give her another chance? Now, that I know that she has BPD. Will I be able to develop a thicker skin for her arguments and fights or will it make me shrink even though I know it.

Hi Gigi,

Wow, you've had a rough week.  It's no wonder if you're reeling from the drama and the new diagnosis.  You must be worried sick.  It's OK to feel angry too.

I'm wondering, was this the first time your daughter landed in the hospital for self-harm?  In a sad way, it might have been for the best.  Though trying to kill herself is no joke, it got her some help that she probably needed desperately.  And she got a diagnosis of BPD, so at least she knows what she's dealing with.  And at least YOU know what she's dealing with.

I guess the good news is that BPD is treatable, provided that your daughter is committed to getting the therapy she needs to turn her life around.  The recent events might be the wake-up call that she needs.  Sure, she'll try to blame everything on you--that's typical BPD.  Please try not to take her accusations personally.  That's BPD talking, not your daughter.  You are NOT a s*** parent.  If you were, why on earth is your daughter with you right now?  My guess is that you are one of the few people left on the planet who actually cares about your daughter.  Please don't believe the baloney your kid is saying.  It's all just a deflection from her underlying insecurities and issues which have completely overwhelmed her.  It might even be a projection of your daughter's feelings onto you.  If she's calling you s****, worthless, abusive, manipulative, friendless, a liar and better off dead, in all likelihood your daughter is projecting how she feels about herself onto you.

The recent events are very upsetting indeed.  It can take some time to wrap your head around it all.  But you've come to the right place, you're not alone.  The number one piece of advice on this site is to take care of yourself first.  As a parent, that probably feels unnatural, but you have to prioritize your wellbeing above all else.  Your daughter needs you now, and you're no good to her if you are a basket case of shock, worry, despair, anger, grief and confusion.  You're not thinking clearly if you are walking around in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  You can't save her--she has to decide to do that for herself.  But her chances increase dramatically if you are a calm, rational, stable and supportive ally--but supportive in the right way for BPD, which can sometimes seem counter-intuitive.

The other good news is that your daughter is only 21.  She has a diagnosis now, and she's still very young, she can get treatment for BPD before it derails her entire life.  With the right treatment, she can learn all sorts of emotional regulation, relationship and coping skills that can make a huge difference in how she functions day-to-day.  We probably could all benefit from learning those sorts of skills; therapy doesn't have to be an indictment of someone's personality or upbringing.  Framing therapy as a way to get extra, professional help to cope with stress and trauma might be the way to go.

Has your daughter authorized you to discuss her follow-up care with her medical team?  Does she have any therapy scheduled?  My opinion is that therapy probably should be your daughter's number one priority right now.  Was your daughter attending college?  She might try to insist on getting back to college as soon as possible, to avoid missing out on things she wants to do such as spring break (I'm speaking from experience here).  But my opinion is that expecting her to jump right back into her "old" life without addressing the issues that got her into the hospital would be setting her up to fail.  My opinion is that in the short term, therapy should probably be your daughter's number one priority.  My guess is that she'll fight you on that, and she'll blame others (friends/roommates/family) for causing all her problems.  That's the typical M.O. of someone with BPD--blaming others and always being the victim.

I hope you take a deep breath, shed all notions of taking the blame for your daugher's dysfunction and try to remain calm.  Dealing with BPD is a marathon, not a sprint.  And it's a marathon that is best run one baby step at a time.  I'd say that the first baby step is probably for your daughter to find a therapist whom she trusts.

Hope that perspective helps a little bit.

Hi maxsterling ,

Your boundary may not be very clear for her. Because sometimes you say it is ok for her to go, and other times you say it's breaking your marriage.

But if you are only worried about triangulation and drama, my guess is that over time this will tend to decrease. And this reminds me of a book named:

The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating

In the book, the author is a straight woman who uses online dating as a training ground to practice relationships and DBT skills, directly targeting core BPD issues like unstable attachments, fear of abandonment, and emotional dysregulation in intimacy.

In my understanding, online dating could be a better training field because it is much easier to practice those skills with someone with whom you have "no strings attached."

The book has a 10-hour audible version, if you wish.

In your case, I'd probably make deals with her in which she would be required to attend DBT sessions so that she improves instead of just crashing. You may also want to have some say on what she does. I would request her to install a GPS tracking app that would track her displacement.

By the way, in the past I have tracked my wife without her knowledge, and it turns out she was having secret encounters with Mr. MacDonald.  She kept it as a secret because she is gluten sensitive.

Wendy - I am very much an optimist by nature, not just in this situation, but in my life in general.  I try to understand others wherever I can.  I don’t like a black/white view of the world.  So when a boundary is crossed, i want to understand why it was crossed.  

So for my W, I am trying to understand what goes thru her mind - because it is so different for me.  She describes having platonic friendships as impossible for her.  For me, it’s not a problem having friendships, even with women I am attracted to, and having no desire to act because of circumstances.

Really it is not the idea of W having a female lover that is the big problem for me, but rather the other stuff that comes with it.  Those things include being triangulated against, dealing with W’s dating ups and downs - basically the inevitable drama and stress.

If W had a stable long term r/s with another woman and could still maintain a loving r/s with me and the kids, i could probably accept that.  Considering that would be impossible for W, really the only boundary is no outside r/s.  
 

Welcome. I’m really glad you reached out.

What you just described is a trauma for a parent. An overdose, a hospital hold, and a new diagnosis all in the same week is a lot to take in. It’s no wonder that you feel numb and angry.

At this point, you don’t have to solve BPD. You don’t have to defend yourself against what she said. The first step is stabilization – for both of you.

Lots of young adults come back from a psych hold feeling raw, ashamed, or dysregulated. Silence and blame can be part of that. It doesn’t necessarily mean you caused this.

If you can, keep it simple:
“I’m glad you’re home. I love you. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

And then give space.

Do you know what the discharge plan is? Is there follow-up therapy scheduled?

You’re not alone here. We can walk this one step at a time.