The most important thing you can do is be there to listen to what your daughter says. 

If you're with your daughter and your wife is not present, you can be more open with her.  I still would not mention BPD, or bad mouth your wife, or anything like that, but you shouldn't also defend her behavior toward your daughter, and validate your daughter's feelings about it. 

If your wife is present, and your in the midst of conflict, it's more challenging to negotiate, but you have to be careful not to take sides, and try to defuse things without making your daughter feel unsupported.  She's also going to be looking to you for guidance, and if you're doing one thing and saying another, you're going to lose credibility in her eyes. 

It's not going to be easy, but if you consider your words and actions carefully, you can navigate this issue without losing your daughter's trust, or escalating the fighting; that I think are your two goals when in the midst of it. 

it sounds like at least you don't have to worry about placating your wife if you're already planning an exit from the marriage. 

Many (most?) states' DMV require re-testing of the eye exam at every driver license renewal after a certain age. How soon is your husband's renewal due? That might be a way to get his license taken.

Accidents and injury is a very real concern. My dad was still driving at 91 (!!). He started having AFIB episodes where he "zoned out" for several minutes. This happened when he was driving home one day from the post office, and he ran into the back of a truck at a stoplight, then went off the road and rolled his car. It could have been a lot worse as it was, he broke his thumb. The car was totalled. When he came home from his follow-up (my cousin had taken him), he walked in and announced he had decided not to drive anymore. I suspect his doctor told him it was time to stop, that the situation could happen again, and that he would never forgive himself if he hurt someone else.

Perhaps your husband's PCP could talk with him about which daily activities are becoming difficult?

I wonder if anyone else has this issue.

As a disclaimer, I must admit that things have improved with my adult daughter, due in large part to finding a therapist that she very much connected with since she was 15. She's 23 now. Teen years were hard with three "hospital" stays and a reliance on self-harm to cope that was difficult for her to shake. She seemed to loathe us then and that was incredibly hard for us. Did DBT twice and found it helpful. She lives about 4 hrs away with from us with an amazing girlfriend, she has a job and is relying less on us financially as she often states that she wishes to be self-reliant in that way, but is thankful for our help.

What seems to remain and that I've had to "radically accept" is that she find it hard to visit home, and to simply be around my husband and I. This is where I almost feel compelled to fall all over myself and "swear" that we were supportive parents, we didn't berated her, or say things to put her down. When she "came out" to us there was no drama, and we told her we loved her, and thanked her for telling us. We did DBT training as well and learned to validate, and we learned to meet her where she is and developed the ability to let her lead with interactions.

So let me get to the point:  we see her for very short amounts of time. This is what seems to work for her, and it's rather heartbreaking for us. She is an actor, so when she has a play she always tells me. I get tickets, and see the performance, get to hug her and gush about her performance afterwards, and then....she goes back to her apt, I go back to my hotel, and I catch the train home the next day. There is no grabbing a coffee, or a snack or just chatting. I literally see her for about ten minutes after the show, and that's it until months later. That's enough for her. It's been this way for years.  Same happened when she was in college. If we ask to get a bite etc. she declines, feigning that she has "work to do," but over time we realized she wasn't comfortable around us. I imagine we instill an anxiety by our presence. 

I finally got up the nerve to tell her (in a voice message...so in a way that was less "confrontational) that I missed her, and I'd like to see her to grab a meal or chat a little, when I come to her town. Or "do" something with her, if she comes home. Mentioned I'd love to go to a movie or just watch a movie with her at home  etc. She was very receptive, said we could absolutely do that (I think the years of therapy have helped her)....but... nothing has changed.

If she comes home, she's in her (old) room for hours. She'll come out and interact with our dog, briefly chat, and then go out with friends. The only way she'll be around us is if a friend is present. THEN she comes to life. She's bubbly, friendly, engaging....but it appears she cannot do that without the buffer of someone else being around.

She came home briefly to pick up her cat which we were watching while she was on vacation. I had mentioned that I'd love to watch a movie with her. She said she had "work to do," to get ready for a play, and then candidly said, "you know, coming home is not one of my favorite things to do, and ....it's easier to be around you if I have a friend with me." Wow ...I can appreciate the candor, but that was so hard to hear. It's a wonder she comes home at all, if that's how she feels. (She typically doesn't come for holidays...but did for a few days last year which was a huge surprise).

I have friends with such close relationships with their daughters. I yearn for that...but maybe it's just too much. I have to appreciate that she at least wants me at performances, does call me to share good or bad news, does ask for my advice....but cannot handle actually spending time with me.

Does anyone else struggle with this?

Hello,

This place has been very helpful to me. Thank you everyone for making me feel that I am not alone in the struggle.

I am married to pwBPD spouse for a bit more than 20 years. I have realised for the past five years about hopelessness of the situation. I have stuck around because of my daughter who will leave the nest in a year, a timeline that I have also kept for myself to initiate separation.

My wife has been a good mother to my daughter until some 18 months ago. My daughter is progressing through teenage years, and becoming emotionally independent. With that happening, my wife is showing increasingly petulant behaviours towards her. She takes offence on things that seem routine in a teenage life, and then spends long time berating the daughter.

I am trying to support daughter as much as I can. I am posting to seek your opinion about some things to do or not to do as I navigate how I can support my daughter. I really appreciate your experience and opinion.

Thank you.

I should mention too that in my case parents are gone and no other siblings so I don’t have those dynamics to deal with. My own family is supportive.

Thank you all.  Long story short, I did decide to state a break a couple of days ago, before I had read these responses. For various reasons it seemed like the right thing to do. Now I don’t know. There was immediate nasty pushback but none since. But I am finding myself anxiety-ridden about when to reconnect, having made a bad decision, etc. I’m trying to talk myself through it, ie that I’m going my best in a hard situation. And I’m trying breathing and other calming techniques. Not working great. Wish I could just be asleep!!

If the father lost custody for such serious reasons, should you inform those agencies or courts that your adopted daughter has brought them together again?  Then the responsible professionals can take over from there.  However, it's possible nothing may happen if the child doesn't have a protection order.

I didn't go NC but when I began to have boundaries with my parents- the result was their escalating. This was an early attempt and I didn't expect the reaction, because I wasn't being rude or disrespectful.

I had concerns for my father's well being when he was ill, as I could see that BPD mother's behavior was escalating. I also had concerns about how BPD mother would (mis) manage their money if Dad was unable to. I tried to assist.  They refused. When my parents didn't allow me to assist, I emailed my father to please get someone he trusted to assist them. The email was respectful (I've re-read it several times) and with the intent to please get help if they didn't want me to do it.

Somehow that email became "evidence" to BPD mother of me abandoning them, resulting in them deciding I had disappointed them as a daughter.

I learned that communicating a boundary directly to BPD mother could potentially be misinterpreted in a different way, and from her victim perspective, used as some kind of "evidence of wrongdoing" on my part when none was intended or done.

My "LC" was less about how often to contact but more about the content of our communications and my own behavior. Boundaries are about us, not the other person. The idea of slow fade was to not make sudden moves in terms of less communication, but to lessen the emotional content of it, and also to be less emotionally reactive to BPD mother.

What helped me the most was realizing that my daughter has a mental illness that I'm powerless to cure.  She has made major strides in therapy and like your son, she's much better at coping than her teens and early 20's.  She's 27 now.

Like you, my contact is limited because I can't be in the middle of the highs and lows of her everyday life.  When things are good, she rushes into things care-free without thinking about consequences.  When things are bad, she hates everyone and the world is against her.  I honestly don't know which is worse, the manic or the depressive.  Her worst decisions by far have been when she was on top of the world, and that always leads to a major crash when reality catches up.

So I've stepped way back to exit that cycle, and it gives me so much clarity that I didn't have before.  When she's in crisis, I can remain calm and supportive.  When she's hyper and excited, I can warn her that her actions could be harmful and be okay regardless if she listens or not.  I've realized that it's her life and she has to live it.

If I don't have any control, and I have very little influence on how she lives life, then I'm not going to focus on it anymore.  She can call or visit and I'll be supportive...but I won't be in the middle of anything.  I'll listen, calm her down, and give short, basic advice.  The rest is up to her though and I accept that.

Because of an elderly aunt, I called about reporting someone's driving. In your state it could be DMV, or MVD or DPS, and my cousin asked me to find out because she was afraid her mother would catch her calling them.

I was told that in our state, anyone can report someone at risk behind the wheel, and it can be anonymous. I didn't ask how they would follow-up if I reported her. In your H's case, someone could have gotten his license number from the scary incidents he described.