Hi! This is a relationship of 2 years. i'm (M26) she's (F27)

So, we had an argument and broke up with her. I said some hurtful stuff and she did too, because we were mad at eachother.

We went NC for about 4 days, tried to contact her, she was very cold, gave her flowers, thanked me and told me the flowers were gorgeous, but said she didn't want to be in a relationship and i needed to understand that, plus she felt like we weren't getting along (due to life problems, it impacted our relationship).

How long should i wait for trying to contact her again? I told her i'm truly sorry and that i want to show her my feelings, and that it's common for a relationship to have its ups and downs, but she won't listen to reason, and i don't think she suddenly stopped loving me from one day to another... even though we were in a bad spot for a few weeks

Asking for instruction may be an option for me. Whilst I will no dobut get a line like "Pathetic! I need to do everything!" all things considered I'm being shoted at anyway so it's an angle worth trying. The other 2 would not worjk in my situation. If I leave the room that means I will be follwed throughout the house being raged at, and make the dys-regulation even worse. I can never, never physcically leave the house. this would spiral into an absolute crisis that can end up at self-harm. been there, done that.

Thank You for your heartfelt reply, Eagle. As an update, I did put together an apology in a special hand written notebook and wrapped it nicely for her. I offered it and said there is no pressure to open it up at any certain time. that she could share it (with her therapist) or with no one. She could read it all, or just a few sentences of it. Or she could to not read it at all. Until she was ready, if ever. All her choice. All ok with me. This after her reply to my initial offer which was "I don't feel safe" opening this with you. No Way! And, you should have given this to me years ago, why didn't you. And we should have gone over this before we got married, etc, etc, etc.......That was puzzling to me but after taking it through with my therapist, I concluded that perhaps her accepting my offer to give her a sincere and through apology with me in her presence, that might create a sense of obligation or pressure to her (for physical intimacy as an example) as a result. Or resurface guilt, shame, or fears of abandonment if she did take another risk and get closer to me physically. Or it might just cause her to admit that I really have done my best to accept my role, and have offered to "fix it" by changing my behavior going forward. This would obviously take away her accusaton that I never did when she is emotionally dis regulated and raging about it. I'm not sure, and I'm confused, but like you, I remain steady, calm but confused and I'm determined to not give up. I often have to remind myself that I did not cause this, I can't fix it, and I can't control it. BPD doesn't make any sense, and trying to figure it out is a lost cause. I just have practice safe and healthy boundaries and use the mirror tactic and not be a sponge. The other day when she was raging I waited until she stopped and I said I was willing to listen anytime, that I really do care and I want to understand her better, but am no longer willing to discuss stuff with her when she was not being respectful or not in her adult self mind. I said I am human, and I do have feelings too. I also reminded her that she is capable of talking in a more mature way. Ive seen it.  I see her display more control and not talk that way to others in public and with her daughters. It just seems to be with me that she feels it's ok sometimes to rage at me, the one she loves the most. I do believe my message was heard a later, she did make comment about it. My job is to be consistent with the boundary and practice self compassion and self respect. I have learned that I can still find happiness and even serenity weather she is having a BPD episode or not. Thanks for your feedback!

Vandelay, LLC

• You can't reconcile unless both have a posture of reconciliation. Your daughter (and mine) don't want to restore the relationship, YET. That's today - not necessarily forever.
• The holidays come with lots of expectations and stress. My D would be so mad about normal, curious questions about her life. I read that they feel like scrutiny to them, and it causes shame.
• I wouldn't do anything that indicates expectation... we have your presents, we would love to see you, etc. That stresses them, and at the end of the day, we want them to be more regulated, not more emotional.
[/quote]

I agree 100% with those points.

Regarding "readiness" for reconciliation:  what I've seen from my adult BPD stepdaughter is that she has been "ready" for a "partial" reconciliation only when she has exhausted all other options.  It seems that she will communicate with her dad and me only when absolutely necessary, when she needs money, housing or logistical support.  In other words, she can be civil when she wants to, but that's all she can muster.  I can tell she doesn't enjoy asking us for help, but the reality is that it's usually easier than the alternative--getting a regular job, taking care of things herself.  Having said that, lately she has been stepping up her game and solving more and more issues on her own.  I think that has been a huge confidence-booster.  At the same time, I've urged my husband not to "rush in" to solve all her problems for her like he did when she was younger, especially problems that she should be able to handle herself, despite her emotional reactions and immaturity.  I've told him, he needs to evolve his role, from that of provider to wise adviser/counselor, and offer advice only when she asks for help.  It's just that he doesn't want to see her struggle, and I get that.  But over-functioning for her has in a perverse way held her back.  She needs more space (and time) to figure out some things on her own.  I'd say, be patient and give her that time and space.

I think she won't be ready for a "full" reconciliation with her family until she feels more independent and grown up, when her identity has been solidified.  The way I see it, she tends to avoid holidays and gatherings with other family members, because she can't handle the pressure of high expectations, stress and questioning from well-meaning relatives.  She feels lost and inadequate, and she assumes that others see her that way.  She also feels jealous of other people's happiness, when she feels glum.  Finally, I think she might be afraid she'll have a meltdown, and she doesn't want to be embarrassed by that, either.  Her typical solution is to avoid those feelings altogether, and keep her distance.  But I'm holding out some hope that eventually, she'll feel more confident and be able to handle a family gathering for a couple of hours.  We'll see.

At any rate, expecting a reconciliation to happen simultaneously with a high-pressure holiday seems like it would be way too stressful.  I'd advise baby steps whenever possible.  That might look like resumption of texting, then maybe a one-on-one get-together (possibly coffee or lunch near her), and then maybe sharing regular dinner with more people at your place.  Maybe you're lucky and she'll come back into your life as if nothing ever happened.  But my guess is she's avoiding you for a reason:  she's experienced a setback and she's reeling or embarrassed, and maybe she's blaming you, though you probably had nothing to do with it.  At any rate, she's showing you she needs some space.

this whole conversation is making my heart pound (with excitement!) I (again, am sorry) others go "through" this, but...sometimes I just cannot wrap my brain around it!  My friends mean well and show me Facebook posts (FB memories are a blessing and a curse) with my daughter (with the rest of my family, (again....I know I have passive-aggressive statements...that is why I have a therapist) (I have my own anxiety issues I work on!) but....it is so painful!  I very much appreciate the "holidays" are just another day (I am, by nature, a very festive person....though, I have funneled my energies into my beautiful (I know I am very lucky in that regard) grandchildren....I offer a lovely suggestion....along with a co-worker, we started a Supper Club (we were talking to another co-worker, who mentioned she is lonely, all her kids are grown, etc.); we brought 17 people together for a dinner!  It brought me (again, JOY is a word that was loosely tossed around) joy, to bring others joy....I, personally, feel like I am in "limbo" waiting for my daughter (?) though, my therapist, explains, part of MY journey is to make myself "ready"; acknowledging behaviors, on my part, that do not "gel" with her BPD (I am very EXPRESSIVE....which butts head with her BPD, etc.) just some thoughts

Hi,
Very glad you found this forum. Having a child with BPD is painful, scary and hard. The fellowship, understanding and advice you receive here from other parents is so valuable.

There are great videos also on the NEA-BPD site that offer communication skills, etc. and they have a 12-week class called Family Connections. I think all of that would be a great start. Hang in there. We are all in the same boat, in different phases, so you can get a lot of great insight here.

I highly suggest Family Connections. It's a 12-week class that's free for those with loved ones that have emotional dysregulation from NEA-BPD.
It's quite good - but there's a long wait list to get in.

If you can, I would suggest therapy with someone who is knowledgable of BPD. It requires behavior on our part that goes against everything in us as moms. I hope that's helpful.

No parent is perfect. We have all made mistakes. We can only accept that and try to improve today. 

BTW, every response on this is GOLD! From CC to Pook to BPDStinks - you have all provided powerful ways to think about this. Thank you!

I am so glad to get your update, Mommydoc, and hear that you are enjoying life! While no contact is difficult in its own way, it does open new avenues and can be healing. After my grandfather died, my mother went no contact with her stepmother, and it took a great weight off her shoulders.

Wishing you continued health and happiness!

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear the sadness in your post, and I came here to say I am in the same boat with my UDD 24. Very similar circumstances - she's speaking to dad, but not to me. I agree with all of the advice you've gotten here! Such wisdom.

I've been working with a therapist, and they've provided some insights that may be helpful...

• You can't reconcile unless both have a posture of reconciliation. Your daughter (and mine) don't want to restore the relationship, YET. That's today - not necessarily forever.

• The holidays are just a day. We attach a lot of meaning to them, of course, but in reality, they are not the times that lead to long-term restoration.

My D didn't love family gatherings even before she and I fell out. She would skip them or stick very close to me throughout. They come with lots of expectations and stress. My D would be so mad about normal, curious questions about her life. I read that they feel like scrutiny to them, and it causes shame.

• If you are her person, like I am, we fuel emotion as the main attachment figure. For months, my daughter has raged at me and said the most horrible things. Now, she isn't responding at all and told dad she won't come to Thanksgiving because she doesn't want to see me. That hurts even though I expected it. I'm sad, but mostly feel bad she'll be alone.

Our kids may be choosing aloneness over the stress of the family gathering - their lens on life is not ours.  Pursuit seems to lead to more emotion, and as BPDStinks said, I agree it resets the clock all over again.

So I send neutral texts weekly - Hope all is well, thinking of you.
They seem trite and boring, and it pains me, but I'm trying to show consistency without pressure. Like writing a text or communicating kindly to a distant cousin.

I'm still debating how to handle this week's text. Do I send it ahead of the holiday? Is that pressure? Do I send it after - pretend the holiday didn't happen? I find that's the most difficult part - knowing the right thing to do.

• I wouldn't do anything that indicates expectation... we have your presents, we would love to see you, etc. That stresses them, and at the end of the day, we want them to be more regulated, not more emotional. I know it feels weird not to say normal mom things. I feel the same way. But we don't have normal parent-child relationships either.
Hang in there.