Hi Broken mom2,

Im sorry that you are experiencing this from your dd but if your dd does not want to be associated with you why doesnt SHE remove all HER pictures of you and her child from her FB account? Make it make sense!!! 

Please know that she is saying these awful things in a moment of devaluing you but it doesnt mean that you have to go along with it and the best reaction is often no reaction.

Hi!  Welcome to the club noone wants to be in!  I am just in my 3rd you of (my pwBPD daughter's CHOICE) limited contact with (yes, she reaches out when she needs something) when she was diagnosed with BPD, she texted all the time, begged me to sleep over, etc. than (I have learned the phrase is "ghosted") ghosted me, her father, sister & nieces....so....I, know it is SO hurtful, I find myself looking at pictures, cards, etc. wondering, how the heck did this happen? I don't even know where she lives! I have a double whammy because my granddaughters' mom has BPD & does the "on & off" you can't see the kids, that is SO hurtful and makes me very anxious, because I am a big planner (I have really learned patience and winging plans); I am so sorry you are going through this, I would not wish the BPD beast ramfications on anyone

Hi Duggingen
Just a few thoughts. The spending does seem to be an emotional needs in BPD and it can take it's toll on everyone concerned. Your situation I think is at crisis point and there does need to be change.

One starting point is to look at things in a very practical way - no emotions allowed for this process!

You mention DD has free accommodation etc. So . . .
can you sit down with pen and paper and work out how much DD - approx of course - would need for FIXED expenses (phone, power, water, etc ie all the bills we get regularly.
How much for food, clothing etc
Are there car expenses

In other words, try to write a generous budget that outlines her expenses.

Discretionary spending: How much would be reasonable to 'extras' eg takeaway, going somewhere etc.

Get an  idea of how much would be 'enough'.

Re bills etc
It took me a long time to stop paying outstanding debts. I hadn't thought it through really - I am just programmed to pay debts! Anyway I realised that my DD didn't own anything, so whoever wanted to take the debt on would soon realise that it was not worth it.

The next thing I realised was that clearing debts meant DD could keep getting accepted for loans. Once I stopped, the loans stopped because she had bad credit rating.

I think once you have an idea of how much is enough, think about whether or not you are able to contribute a specific amount each month. If you can, then decide whether you will use this to pay a bill for DD eg phone account or whether you would give cash.

Then comes the moment to tell DD that you are in financial trouble, you have worked out a budget for yourself and you can contribute xxx each month but that is the limit.

It can be surprising that once you stop the merry-go-round things can improve - and DD could become better at managing. Yes she has said all these things, but perhaps a challenge to 'have a full life without spending much money' could be a challenge and interesting.

Just a few thoughts . . .

I am so sorry you received a message like that; many here have experienced something similar and it's incredibly painful.

For the Facebook stuff, there's a simple option.  You can go into those posts and select an option for them to be visible with everyone but your daughter.  I did that a few years back when my mom was terminally sick- I'd post general updates on Facebook but hide it from my mom and my dad so they wouldn't get upset by seeing it.  When my father got sick a few years later, I did the same thing hiding it from him and it becomes a default option that I could select very quickly.

With that said, please remember that this is for "right now" and not for "forever".  Continue to let your daughter know that you love her and the grandkid, despite what she might say in return.  Remember that the problem here is mental illness and that this is not your fault.  I hope that helps!

Hello and welcome to the family.  This is such a tough road to walk and so many of us have been there as well. 

It might help you to understand what BPD actually is in layman terms.  While it is a major mental illness that can cause significant relationship problems, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.  Instead, it takes a different communication style and validation.

Think about a time you were really upset.  Maybe a loved one passed away, or you lost your job, or you had major financial problems.  The what doesn't matter....it's the feeling I want you to connect to.  In that moment, you felt absolutely helpless and you couldn't see a way forward.  Part of that was because everything was so "fresh" and your mind couldn't process it.  And in time, you found a way past that obstacle.

For someone with BPD, they feel that way every time they become dysregulated.  It doesn't take a major life event to bring up those types of feelings, and once they begin to feel that way they obsess over it.  In your past problem, logic and reasoning helped your mind think your way through it.  BPDs struggle though because they get so caught up in the emotional cycles feeling alone, depressed, helpless, etc.

Now let's talk about your specific relationship.  Long distance is hard- I did it for two years before marrying my wife in the Philippines.  So much is lost in communication over text and video calls; it's just not the same.

What's happening in your case could be that they are so worried you'll break up with them because of their mental illness, they're going into each conversation with a lot of fear and anxiety.  So their mental state is heightened before you even talk and while you're communicating, they're looking for "proof" that you're no longer committed.  Maybe you say something harmless or maybe they bring it up, and their mind starts spinning like they're in one of those major life events that we talked about a minute ago.  It fills them with fear, dread, etc as they wait for the relationship to fall apart.

On your side of this equation, you're picking up on the vibes and acting differently yourself, because you don't understand why they're off.  And this shift makes things so much harder for them because they're not thinking logically...they're reacting to their emotions in the moment and it's so overwhelming.  This causes the spirals you're experiencing now.

To break these patterns, it requires a different style of communication where she feels loved and appreciated.  You'll probably say, "But I tell her that all the time..." and I believe you; so much of this is counter-intuitive and there's a lot to learn.  This site and the fine folks that post here are a fantastic resource to help you improve your communication style to validate her and get the relationship back to where it should be.

I hope that helps- I know that's a lot to take in at once.  Please feel free to ask questions though and let us know what you need.

My long-distance s/o has bpd, they have always been very empathetic to others and sweet, and they have never yelled at me, been "mean", or ignored me. When the relationship began I didn't realize their BPD traits and halfway through most of our disagreements would end with me apologizing after multiple attempts to calm their crying, or them acknowledging my feelings could've also been hurt but with them feeling more upset than me. Recently they were diagnosed and since then I've been supportive but it's been downhill since they learned they had BPD.

I've bottled up my feelings as their fp, although sometimes I do crash down from it being too much, it isn't constant. When they realized I would bottle it up, they would say they felt guilty and useless, and I would try to reassure them to no avail. They said I could speak about my emotions freely and they'd help, so I gave it a try, but now, every time I even mention feeling down, they will go dry and seem upset themselves. They don't go mad when they're spiraling; instead, they feel guilty, as if I am dismissing them, even if I'm reassuring.

I miss the first few months with them, now we have been togueter for two years , back then they would comfort me and viseversa . I communicated about this and they simply said sorry, what should I do?

broken mom2,

That’s a really painful message to receive - especially while you’re at work trying to hold it together. It makes sense your mind goes straight to “what did I do wrong?” when something like this happens.

These kinds of cutoffs usually aren’t about one moment or one mistake. They tend to come from built-up emotion on the other side that spills out all at once. That doesn’t mean you caused all of this, and it also doesn’t mean you can fix it quickly.

With the Facebook request, there isn’t one “right” answer - it’s more about what helps keep the door open versus what might harden things further.

And losing contact with your granddaughter like this… that’s real grief. It’s a lot to carry all at once.

You don’t have to solve this today. Getting through the day is enough right now.

You’re not alone in this.

Hi Mom,

I really feel for you.  Sadly, estrangement is very common with BPD.  But my guess is that your daughter will reach out again soon enough, typically when she wants some help.

Look, if your daughter didn't want to associate with you, she wouldn't have messaged you at all.  I think she wants to punish you right now, in a misguided attempt to make her feel better.  In my experience, this sort of behavior has nothing to do with you; rather, it's typically a sign that your daughter is stressed out right now.  Because she can't handle the stress very well, she's lashing out at you.  It looks like she's trying to control you, too, perhaps in a vain attempt to reclaim some control in her own life.

My advice is not to take down the pictures from Facebook.  What you do on Facebook is your business.  If she doesn't want to see you on Facebook, she can stop looking at you on Facebook.  If you do her bidding, especially in the context of a manipulative, angry request (i.e. not a rational one about safety or privacy), my guess is that it won't solve her problem one bit, because the problem isn't about you sharing family pictures.  By agreeing to her irrational requests, you'd be incentivizing her mean-spirited behavior.  I'd advise not to increase her incentives for lashing out with meanness.

I think your mom said exactly the right thing--she doesn't want to be in the middle.  She didn't say, OK, I'll agree to an irrational request to alienate a granddaughter from grandma.  Kudos to your mom!  She refused to be triangulated and manipulated, even if it hurt her a lot.

Now I know that probably doesn't make you feel much better.  Please know that you are not to blame for BPD.  A mantra here is the three Cs--you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.  That might help alleviate some of the guilt.

My daughter has not spoke to me for almost 4 weeks now, and I just received a message from her asking me to remove all pictures of her and my grandchild from facebook because she doesn't want to be associated with me. It just hurt so bad reading that, I used to facetime with my granddaughter at least once a week and now she does not want me to be around her. She has told my mother she does not want my granddaughter around me either because if I really wanted them in my life I would have tried harder, and my mother just says she doesn't want to be in the middle because it hurts to much.
Here I am sitting at work trying not to ball my eyes out and my heart breaking.
I don't know what to do anymore, I am crying daily blaming myself for all of this and no matter what I do it feels like I am disappointing someone.

Hi again,

I agree with the general sentiment that the Bank of Mom and Dad needs to close before the Bank of Mom and Dad goes under.

I've lived with an adult BPD stepchild, on and off, for several years.  I've noticed that in her Bizarro world, the natural monetary incentives are all mixed up.  It seemed that the worse she acted--the more tantrums, meltdowns, storming off and impulsive quitting (jobs, college, living situations), etc.--the more money and concessions she got.  In Bizarro world, it literally paid her to be dysfunctional.  Why on earth would she ever change?  She could sleep all day, rely on others to provide housing, insurance and transportation, raid the parental fridge (or order DoorDash and charge the Bank of Dad), refuse to help around the house, and meanwhile have oodles of free time to scroll social media and use marijuana.  She didn't even have to pay for her own phone, because it was supposedly cheaper to keep her on the family plan.  All she has to do to get more money is scream and hurl insults at her parents.  Maybe each successive year she has to take it up a notch and threaten to kill herself if she doesn't get the money she asks for, but she knows her parents will relent, out of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  She could be cunning too.  For example, she could convince her parent to enroll her in college and pay for an apartment near campus.  If she withdrew early enough (within the first two weeks), she could have nearly all the tuition refunded, directly to her, and she could live on that for a few months, including going on Spring Break.  Parents might not even find out she dropped out of school until months later.  Why would she tell the truth about what she was doing?  In Bizarro world, it's easier to lie and pretend she's going to college.  With BPD thinking, her twisted logic might be that her parent OWES her for abusing her, and thus she has a right to the tuition money, to spend however she wants, and then to ask for even more money as reparations.

Now I imagine there's an element of shame with the pwBPD.  I doubt she's in complete denial about money, where it comes from and how much things cost, even if she does appear to be delusional and clueless at times, about things such as overdraft fees, credit scores and unpaid bills.  I suspect that the financial mistakes generate a lot of anxiety and shame in the pwBPD . . . which probably contribute to her inability to have a conversation about budgeting.  Since the topic makes her both anxious and shameful, she probably reacts to it in her usual ways:  with either the "flight" response--to retreat in avoidance by stonewalling or cutting off communication; or the "fight" response--denying the problem spending, accusing you of lying, accusing you of manipulating, deflecting, etc.

If you can't stand to close the Bank of Mom and Dad, then there could be a middle ground of reducing the credit exposure.  Another approach would be to provide financial assistance in kind, so that you know your money is being spent exactly how you intended.  You might impose some stipulations with continued financial support.  An example might be, you only dole out small amounts in cash in person, for example when your daughter comes to your home for dinner with the grandchildren; that way you can provide a healthy meal, encourage socialization and keep tabs on the grandkids.  I'm sure there are abundant options, and as it's your money, you get to decide how you want to spend it.  In addition, know you could decide not to give her any more money, because you have to handle your own budget.  That's OK too.