See, to me, I look at the results, and the result of her behavior was focusing the attention on herself, not the person who actually died. 

I think you're right that their behavior is fueled by emotions, but not in the same sense; I think pwBPD are insecure and need attention, and so they act out; they don't genuinely grieve and feel the same way you or I would about someone's passing.

Maybe I'm just too cynical, but I have a hard time believing an adult could be that overcome with emotion to be screaming in agony and sobbing uncontrollably at a funeral, which is presumably taking place at least a few days after the person has passed, and after the attendees have all: 1) learned about their passing, and 2) had some time to process the news and grieve the deceased privately. 

I could see it if it was a spontaneous event, like in the aftermath of a car accident... but a funeral?  To me, it seems calculated.  She had an audience to play up her emotions to, and garner all the attention of.  Her behavior might not produce the sympathy for her she's expecting, and it might disgust other people as you noted, rather than making them want to console her, but it's still attention, and that's what really matters to pwBPD. 

So, im really into music. My BPD partner is also. We find our connection through music. We even play instruments together.

Anyway I was thinking about this forum and all the stories I read and all the people on here ,some wanting to save what they have and other wanting to leave it and I saw so many similar stories to my own.

Ive know my partner since we were young and even as friends we struggled but that one thing that connects us has become such a huge part of my life. I want to share that connection with everyone here. Music is my therapist when I cant see my normal one. I can find a song for every mood, or feeling.

My partner and I are coming  off another fight and I keep wondering why I go back why each time I find myself right there. Its an additiction I think ...to love someone with BPD to really care about them and want them its amazing and also just terrible. 

Its a ________in drag... but you keep going back. Idk at least its how I feel about it some times. Hes so amazing and I love him so much but he can be the worst monster of my nightmares too.

To get to my point songs can say alot ...and ultimately id like to make a whole Playlist on what it feels like to love someone with BPD.

This song stands out to me though

Nicotine by Panic ! At the Disco.

https://youtu.be/LkBxcmxWKAA?si=8qYY-jFgujpX8qPV

I hope all of you can listen and let me know if it fits your experience.. or if you have song ideas from your own experience  id love to hear them . Id really like to make this list .

I suppose it could be both. Pook, contemplating death provokes thoughts about one's own mortality for almost everyone, and an unfiltered reaction might look like self centredness.

That said, Pete, it was odd that when uBPDx was telling me the anecdote about death, it was actually me who asked what his grandmother would have wanted - not something he spontaneously reflected on - like he wasn't that concerned with the impact on her, only what it reflected about him. 

Similarly, as I mentioned on a different thread, he described how his previous relationship suffered because his then partner (who he later cheated on) didn't seem like she 'wanted' him any more, as she was depressed after her mother died (!).

After my beloved pet passed, he was consistently loving and caring towards my expressions of grief, but also expressed that i didn't 'want' him / it was pointless for him to be around when after a week, i was still grieving.

It seemed like he needed so much attention to fill the bottomless empty pit of validation that he could not be cognisant of other peoples needs that didn't revolve around him, and this led to some almost psychopathic seeming words and behaviour.

Me wife and i were at a funeral last month and one of her aunt's was screaming, griveing, laughing...all within a 5 minute period.  My wife said to me, "She's faking it for attention."  But I told her that she was being genuine, those were the feelings she had moment by moment.  It was so incredibly clear that the aunt has BPD.

I don't think they "need to be" the center of attention as much as it is that in those situations, they can't hide their feelings like normal and the whole world gets to see them.

I felt bad for the aunt but at the burial, she was screaming in agony and sobbing uncontrollably.  Family were actually walking away because they were so appalled at her behavior.  But again, I saw it for what it actually was, deep-seeded mental illness that's fueled by emotions.

it was 27 year relationship/marriage and yes extremely painful but also extremely toxic and glad to be out of it.
She is now with a narcissistic person so they belong with each other instead of ruining healthy peoples lives. Dread to thing what carnage that is going to end in.

I think that one factor to consider is that mourning another's death conflicts with their need to always be the victim/center of attention.  Hence you get the odd comments from them when discussing death that try to move the focus back on them & their needs, even if just to use the opportunity to provoke others.

When BPDxw and I were together, we only experienced one family death (her grandfather) who was already in poor health when we met, and had made funeral arrangements.  When he died, she was understandably upset, and cried.  But later, she made a point of telling some of my family members (even though she was already starting to make unfair complaints about them & claim they didn't like her and other nonsense), and then complained to me that they didn't seem to care enough about her loss, according to her view of the situation.  So it became about her in the end.

Thank you for your kindness Rowdy. Exiting this relationship and the distorted fantasy-reality it entailed was enough of a head________ after 18 months. I can't imagine how difficult and painful it would be for you after 15 years.

Just remember that all of this is still so new to you, it's going to take some time to process things and figure out what your new normal actually looks like.  Every single one of us went through that and it took months (or even years) for the world to start making sense once again.  All you can do now is get through it, make smart decisions about your future, and focus on self care.

You'll see this very differently at 3 months out, 9 months out, etc.  So don't worry too much about figuring this all out.  You won't.  You can't.  It's definitely a journey and we've all been in that exact same place, yet here we are on the other side of it.

In my case, I remarried a few years later and I have an incredible life now.  You'll get there too in time.

I'm not sure what you are waiting to see happen with her- but I hope you can refocus on your emotional recovery and future. She's going to do what she does- and there's no control over that.

Your hurt feelings are valid- and what has happened feels hurtful. As others have said- I strongly recommend counseling to help you process this and for your own emotional support. This is a lot to go through. What were you doing for the past 10 years? Trying to build a family like many people. You weren't wrong. You were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. You didn't know the whole picture and most people wouldn't have known. Posters here have gone through a similar learning in some relationship with someone with BPD, either romantic partner or relative and is sharing what we learned, not what we already knew.

You've seen that "demon" side of her as you describe it for her inner emotional turmoil, but truly- that side of her plagues her the most, but unless she eventually decides on truly working in therapy, long term, it's her struggles. However, it does impact all her relationships in one way or another. Your children will have their own experiences with her- and eventually have to manage this relationship for themselves when they are adults. This is why investing in yourself and rebuilding your emotional and financial stability is going to be a benefit to both you and them. You can not "fix" your ex but you can do this for yourself.

The term "favorite person" might be misunderstood as something positive. It can feel good in the moment to be the favorite person but that person then also becomes the one most vulnerable to the disorder in the relationship. Looking for a new FP so soon is her way of projecting her own emotional distress on to a new person as an external solution to what is her own internal issues. No external solution can do that- because it isn't the source of her feelings in the first place. What may be appear to be a romantic relationship is her own way of trying to meet her emotional needs in this way. It's not that this  person is "better" than you, or getting the best of her, it's that she is trying to fill an emotional need.

What FD is proposing is that- with your ex's focus on this new person- she's less focused on other things. Now is an opportunity to focus on your goal of reestablishing parental rights, because it's less of an interest for her now. With just the few things you have posted about your wife thinking of severing parental rights, sending your child to boarding school, and my own BPD mother whose function as a parent was affected by her BPD, I wonder if it may be that your ex can not function as a parent and might lose interest in it and she may not be capable of parenting. This is an opportunity for you to pursue your parenting rights.

Even if it's a financial stretch for you, a consultation with an attorney is worth the expense. Even if a full retainer isn't possible- a one time consultation can inform you of your rights and what path to take to clear your record of this on incident and attain parental rights. Maybe the attorney knows of some kind of payment plan or can refer you to some resources for legal aid. Knowing what to do can help you feel more in control of this.

This hit home.  So much of the worst of this feels like you’re in a war you didn’t choose to be in fighting to “win” battles you can’t even understand the reasoning for. 

My parents were able to resolve their disputes peacefully without stuff left on a back burner boiling over.   They both had things that irritated the other, but I never saw them fight to the point where the “resolution” was one telling the other that until they 100% agreed with their point of view and apologized for even the slightest offense, they were going to hold on to their anger.   I never saw one of them resort to exploiting everything they knew the other was sensitive about.   I saw them walk away from each other to calm down, but they came back calmer with each other, not ready to go for round 2 with more ammo.