Hi Philip and

You wrote:

Bad news Philip, borderline personality disorder is a mental illness.  I understand how you might see her behavior as immaturity.  But she will not "mature" out of her mental illness.  Her pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships is a symptom of her mental illness.

And I know you wish you could get the good and not have to deal with the bad in the dynamic of her unstable interpersonal relationships, but if you truly accept that she has borderline personality disorder, you will need to accept that her behaviors,  *both* the good and bad, are aspects of her disorder.

Her behaviors will not change on their own, at least not without working with professionals towards recovering from this disorder.  But she will not want to bother recovering so long as she continues to find people with whom she can continue having these unstable relationships.

You have to decide for yourself if you want to be part of her pattern.

I hope this helps.  Best wishes,

Schwing

Hi. I'm Philip. I need help with my bpd ex?girlfriend. In 2024, me and my ex girlfriend had a 6 month relationship. For the first 3 months, everything was going great and there was no issues. After 3 months, we started arguing, and then I ended up always being the one broken up with and then ended up having to chase her back, missing her completely. At the end of 2024, we had the final breakup and then she had this new dude for about 2 years, In june 2026, they broke up and then in july 2026, i met up with her, spoke things out and asked her did she get better w her stuff, and is she more mature now? we got back together. For the first month or so, we were arguing but no breaking up. Now it feels like she always tries to argue with me,  then breaks up with me on purpose, just for us to get back together 2 days later. It's exhausting, but i always loved her and i don't know what to do, Please any help will be appreciated. I need advice on this. I'm tired of the cycle of us always breaking up even tho i love her and im pretty sure she loves me.

Welcome to BPDFamily. We just wish, of course, that it was under better circumstances.  It is what it is.  So let's look to the future as we deal with the past and current problems.  Over the years we have accumulated a vast amount of insight and strategies... a collective wisdom of sorts.  On the other hand, people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are just that, people with a variety of abnormal traits and therefore they react and overreact in slightly different extents though the patterns are recognizable.


I think this is where the "splitting" description arose - viewing the world in extremes that can flip instantly depending on moods and perceptions.  It is inexplicable how someone can claim to love one moment, then get triggered by almost anything and thereafter perceive us as their worst enemy.  Yet that is part of their unhealthy dysfunction.  Compound that with their resistance to positive change and it is a recipe for disaster.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-splitting-425210


A caution here.  When you are trying to repair a damaged relationship, you do share information with the goal to restoring trust.  But if it becomes apparent that the relationship is not just damaged but also probably irreparable, they you have to be judicious about what you do share and what you don't share.  Why?  You don't want to share information which might enable the other to cause you more harm or even sabotage you.

I don't know how separations work in your country but in my area separations leave the marriage intact and, while you physically are separated, you are still financially connected.  That is a big risk for you, the financial liabilities.  It would be wise for you to privately and confidentially seek consultations with experienced solicitors or attorneys to learn to what extent you are exposed to your spouse's financial irresponsibility and how best to carefully extricate yourself from his financial excesses.

Usually it is best to do this legal groundwork without sharing this with the other.  You have a right to privacy and expected confidentiality.  PwBPD often do not have the typical respect for you that a normal person would exercise.  At this point you should have self-protection as a higher priority.


While the peer support here is excellent and invaluable, we also know that local support is also so very helpful.  Do not think you won't benefit from in-person counseling.  You are not alone.

This is my first post so I'm not quite sure where to start. I will try and keep this brief:

I have been with my husband for 4.5 years. We met and fell deeply in love (of course!) and things were amazing. He proposed after about a year and we were married after 2 years. Then things started to change. It started to become apparent that if I tried to raise any difficulties in the relationship or share my feelings that were related to our struggles, it didn't go well. He would go into some kind of rage and see me as his enemy rather than his biggest supporter.

Then at the beginning of this year I found out that he had accrued £35k debt without me knowing. Thankfully not in my name but we were married by this point. I was utterly heartbroken but went completely numb,  meanwhile he fell apart in floods of tears and admitted to deeply hating himself and having always struggled with self-loathing. I felt hopeful at this point because if you can see the problem, you can find a solution. He agreed to go to therapy and bought a book. Whilst reading that book he came across BPD and said to me 'I think I'm BPD' and then promptly stopped reading the book. It wasn't a conversation starter as this was in the middle of a row, so I never came back to it (for fear of triggering him). Fast forward to where I am now - 8 months on - and things have gone from bad to worse. Whilst he has been transparent about his finances he was still spending on unnecessary things. But worse than that he was unable to help heal my emotional pain, carrying on as though nothing had happened. After a couple of really bad times on our recent holiday I finally realised I'd had enough. He was flipping from putting me on a very high pedestal to me being the _____ on the bottom of his shoe. So, after a lot of thought and trepidation, yesterday, I told him that I can't it any more and I want a separation.

Initially he was trying to suggest he can change and do better (he's been saying this for months) and now he's being very cold and hostile. The hostility really hurts me as I'm already utterly broken. We are still having to live together for now and probably will for a few weeks yet. I can't move out as it's my home with my adult daughter and he wouldn't turn to any friends (he doesn't speak to his family). I am trying to cope with it by just being myself and not being around him whilst still being kind to him in the face of his hostility. I would be very grateful for any suggestions on how to cope with this.

Oh... during our long chat yesterday he said 'therapy doesn't work for me'. He knows that I want him to go to therapy again (a more suitable type of therapy) so there is no hope from that angle.

Thank you in advance for any replies.

We only have the one joint bank account - our family cc is mine, with her as a secondary account holder. I've turned off her card

Boundaries... People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are masters at avoiding and evading Boundaries.  Being aware of that common trait, we must do what is not very intuitive.  Boundaries are for us.  Our boundaries are exhibited in how we respond to poor behavior.  See the topics on boundaries here on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.

Stripped to the basics, I describe this as a framework, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will respond by doing nor not doing ___."  In other words consequences for the poor behavior.

Be aware of course that you will encounter strong resistance to impel you to retreat back to prior patterns.  We call it extinction bursts.  They're predictable but you may never know how long it might last before the other senses that you won't be intimidated or cowed into appeasing or giving up.

My now-ex and I had for years shared our accounts.  But once we had a child the tensions rose.  Every couple years we would have to replace a used car with another used car.  This time - it turned out to be mere months before we separated and divorced - she refused to sign the J&S acknowledgement for the loan paperwork from my work's retirement account.  The small dealer, a mutual friend, was livid.

I immediately went to an old friend and applied for a loan from his bank.  The loan terms were that I deposit my paycheck into a personal account at his bank.  (I'm still there, by the way.)  Dealer was happy but now my spouse was absolutely furious.  I had no choice but to stay firm, a new boundary for me.  After all, it was her surprise objection that caused this.  Actually, this turned out to be a good thing since within a few months our marriage had imploded and my paycheck was protected.

On a side note, better to not have any joint credit cards.  You can be the account holder and the other be a card holder, that's okay, you're the responsible person in charge.  But sometimes when there is a joint account and you suspend it, the other has equal rights to un-suspend it which makes closing the account very problematic.

Good advice! I'll take it, .

Now I have to go back to work and give them my new new account. C'est la vie 

I will say my uBPDh and I used to have a joint account.  It did not work at all!  All of my pay went into the account and only 1/2 of his went into it.  He was in charge of paying the bills at that point and only the bills in his name got paid, as well as his gym memberships (3 different gyms), the shoes he wanted, the monthly clothes he "needed", etc...you see the point.  Anything that I bought for the kids got analized...my daughter didn't have underwear that fit so I bought her a pack that cost less than $10 and that started a complete melt down on his part, yet he bought my SD over $100 of PJs the same week and that was perfectly fine!  The joint credit card that we had at the time got maxed out by him and he did not feel like it was his responsibility to pay any of it, even though it was him that used it the most!  One of the best things we did was split up our finances.  I still pay just about all of the household bills, most everything for the kids, groceries, etc, but at least I now know bills are getting paid, how much money I have in my account and am not worried that he will go on a shopping spree on me today!  I would highly recommend closing that account if you can.  One less thing to wake up worrying about! 

You have nothing to feel bad about.  "Helping" her in the ways she is demanding would drag you down without helping her.  Lose-lose.  I am so sorry you are going through this and very glad you have other family members supporting you.