Really desperate for help and guidance and not sure where I can find it. (My job doesn't cover mental health expenses, so I've struggled to find a therapist.)

Some background: My gf and I are both in our mid 20s and have been together for about 2 years. We met almost randomly through two different friends-of-friends at a party, and quickly fell for each other. We had nothing but great time in the first months, totally infatuated with each and always with each other, eventually getting a place together. She told me right away that she has numerous mental health problems, including BPD, and sees a therapist every week.

Initially this didn't worry me, as it seemed she had a real handle on these problems and they never came up. But soon after moving in together, she began exhibiting many BPD behaviors, pretty much on a weekly basis, if not multiple times in a week. She would blow up in anger for many different reasons and sob uncontrollably, rejecting any consoling and physically swatting or pushing me away, only to later ask why I gave up in trying to console her. She demanded that I accept these outbursts without taking anything personally, even when she hurls insults at me, mocks me, and accuses me of not caring and being being committed and not being in love with her. I'm constantly characterized as someone I'm not.

I recognized that I was JADE-ing often, which is a concept I only learned about 2 months ago. I would be told that I am somebody who I really don't believe I am, and I would defend myself or try to comfort her by assuring her that I am a better person than how I was being characterized, and that would only make things much worse. I am constantly told to "surrender". I've improved in this quite a bit. Many times throughout the week she will say something mean to me, so easily, like it just flies off her tongue without any thought as to how that could be offensive, even though she would never say that to a stranger or coworker, and I try to tell myself, "She doesn't mean it, it's the BPD". But sometimes I break, and as soon as I do, I'm told that I'm a bad boyfriend, and that if I "really loved" her I would be strong enough to "take it".

Now that she is pregnant, these demands are heightened. I feel bad for her because pregnancy is a lot to deal with, and she has really stressful family issues with her mom and little brother which gets really overwhelming on top of all the physical and hormonal changes. At the same time, the accusations have become worse, while the demands to surrender and take it have increased. So many things she does really hurts my feelings, and when I try to mention it, she gets angrier because I'm "being selfish" and "ignoring" her needs to care about myself more. In arguments she often begs me to be her "emotional caretaker" because she can't but also doesn't want to "regulate raw emotions" like anger.

Last week, she mentioned saving up money to buy a house, and I responded by saying there are a few things I want to happen before I want to start thinking about doing that. This has upset her for the entire week now, and she tells me repeatedly each day that I've "destroyed" our relationship because I'm not "dedicated to building a future together". She says I don't do enough for her as a boyfriend, deeply minimizes everything I do to help around the house ("You think being a chauffeur and building furniture is being a good boyfriend"), as a father-to-be, and that I never cared or loved her or wanted to be together in the future. She seems convinced that I don't care, and convinced that our relationship is tarnished. She says I need to come up with a solution to the harm I've caused, and

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her. I want to be supportive. I know this sounds like a laundry list of red flags, but she has immense care and love inside of her when she isn't upset. There are times where she recognizes that what she is doing to herself and to me.

But I'm really concerned about my own mental health. I constantly feel like a failure and a bad boyfriend, and I feel like a bad father in not being able to give my daughter-to-be's mother what she needs.

I just really don't know what to do, and even more scared that I won't be able to do what's needed. I feel like I'm going to break emotionally if I have to endure more of this. I wish there was a way we could both work on this, but she is resolute in me having to deal with anything she does without any qualification or adjustments on her part. I'm so scared that I won't be supportive or strong enough, and that our relationship will be ruined, that this love I have for her will be spoiled and won't be received or have a place to go, and that I'll have to struggle to be around my daughter in the way I want to be.

Sorry for the long rant. I just really want to know what I can do to be a better boyfriend to someone struggling with BPD, while at the same time making sure I'm mentally OK as well.

Sure, but think about a fat person who says, "I'm going to lose weight soon."  Or the drunk who says, "I'm going to stop drinking next week."  Or the drug addict, or the workaholic, or a world-class athlete.  They all realize that they need to make changes in their personal lives to be healty and balanced.  Yet few of them ever do it until they have no other choice.

For someone mentally ill, it's a taboo subject in many parts of the world so it's super hard to talk about.  But getting treatment is even more rare than the folks we just mentioned because in many ways, it's much harder.  You're discovering why your brain doesn't work right and that's admitting there's a major flaw within you- who wants to do that? 

Does the drunk say, "I know I'm a drunk and need help!"  Or do they say, "I don't have a drinking problem!"

Put yourself in her shoes.  If I spent an hour with you and then said, "Here's your problems.  You need to do this, this, and that so you're a better person."  Would you listen to me or would you feel like I'm an arrogant jerk who doesn't know what I'm talking about?

Now combine that with serious mental illness and re-run that scenario.  In 999 times out of 1,000, that person is going to explode with anger and storm out of the room.

Your girlfriend will get help ONLY when she sees no other option.  Before that though, she has to realize that all her problems are inside her.  That's incredibly hard for anyone to do, and the mental illness makes it almost impossible.  So when you tell her that she needs treatment or else, the "or else" will always feel like the best option for a number of reasons.

While that's the primary goal, you can't base your relationship on it or the relationship is doomed.  She has to be ready to put in the hard work and make active changes within her life.

What you can do though, is learn to communicate with her a different way.  That doesn't mean to just blindly take abuse, but that doesn't mean to fight back either.  I'll say it again, she's sick...just like the alcoholic or the workaholic.  You get those people help by gently guiding them after trust is built over time.

She has said she will get help before and never looked into it. I am really tired of her telling me I never did anything for her, love bombing, gaslighting, and telling me she never loved me. (the day after saying she loves me)

I love her but she can't keep treating me poorly while leaching off my family.

My plan was to film a video with my issues and sending it to her so she can put it down and comeback if she starts to spilt. The plan right now is for her to move back to where she is from in two weeks. Should would be homeless and broke at that point

Any promises she might make would be just that... promises.  What would be a realistic perspective would not be promises but instead positive actions over time.

I'm not in a position to say what should or should not be done but be aware that "quick fixes" generally do not succeed when Borderline traits are involved.

Is she in counseling now?  If not, is she willing to start therapy sessions to address her erratic perceptions and behavior patterns?  Be advised that many with BPD traits have extreme levels of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  And even if therapy is started it is often quickly abandoned.

The reason I am really desperate is she got kicked out and is leaving in 3 weeks. I wanted to offer her to move in again but with the boundaries set of I will not be abused and she needs to get help. I want her to understand that realistically she is not going to find someone who will do this much for and and be willing to sacrifice there sense of normal to help her.

With my 27 year old BPD daughter, we don't know what the catalyst was.  My ex wife (likely BPD but diagnosed major depressive) showed the same traits and so did many of my ex's closest relatives (brothers, her mom, her grandpa).  Little is known how much genetics come into play, but I clearly saw a pattern on my in-laws side.

Anyway, back to my kid.  She started acting out around 5 or 6, very big mood swings, refused to apologize, bullied her sister fiercely, etc.  If you'd punish her, then she would do everything she could to punish everyone else too.  Breaking things in the house, hurting our pets, running away, spreading lies, etc.

We kept having therapists at school say she was manipulative, but clearly super smart and missing her potential.  She scored in the top .1% in the nation for math in 6th grade, yet she was had a D in 6th grade math.  Make that make sense.  Her score was the best in the history of the state yet she was close to repeating 6th grade.  Everyone was sort of baffled.

Around 12, she was getting more violent and more out of control.  During one of her manic episodes, I screamed at her and she suddenly got quiet and went to her room.  And we thought, "OMG, something got through to her."  So that became the norm, when she'd be out of control, I'd yell and she'd back down.  But before you knew it, I was always yelling and she started yelling back...not just at me.  She'd scream at her mom, threaten her friends and teachers, and it truly became a nightmate.

By the way, I was comletely wrong for yelling all the time.  When nothing else worked and that did, I went with it.  But I now believe that my aggression drove her aggression.  A lot of that is 100% my fault because she was learning all the wrong lessons in a house that was complete chaos.

By 19, we kicked her out.  She returned home briefly at 21 and 22, but quickly fell into old patterns.  She couldn't hold a job, couldn't keep friends for very long, and these patterns just kept repeating.  But at 23, she had basically a mental breakdown and took therapy seriously for the first time.  A lot changed in the next year and she's one of the "success stories."

She's not cured, not always mentally stable, but she's worked about 75% of it all out and is now a productive citizen.  She has a pretty good career and lots of potential, but she still crosses boundaries far too often and gets super close to the wrong types of people.  If she could figure that part out, I think she'd be closer to 90-95% "cured".  But the friends continually bring her down.

I think inner circles play such a crucial role in BPD people's lives; at an early age and throughout their lives.  My kid and i get each other now and our relationship is pretty good, but at the same time I don't try to influence her life in any way.  If she asks for advice, I give it.  Otherwise I keep silent and stick to the small talk that works for us.  It's not a perfect relationship by any means but I think it's the best it can possibly be.

I hope your post about your son helps others but also helps you, because I hope you can arrive at some self forgiveness. Some of the issues you mentioned were beyond your control. You didn't cause them.

While there is a genetic component to mental illness, it's not always a straightforward one, like hair color, or blood type. It could be many genes, a genetic susceptibility or something we don't understand yet. That your son's father has mental ilness does indicate a genetic possibility- but you have no control over what genes your son has.

You made the best choice of child care you knew. It was impossible to predict that your child faced that trauma. It's not good for a child to sequester them from any other people. Kids will go to school, to friends' houses. Most people are decent people. We just can't predict all the time.

As adults, while it is helpful to explore family of origin issues for understanding, adults have to work on their own issues and any childhood trauma in therapy themselves. To do nothing to change and just blame parents isn't helpful. At 45, your son's best chance at his own emotional health is to make use of the therapy resources he has. Compromising yourself after retirement is detrimental to you and won't help your son.

Pw BPD may tend to see themselves through a victim perspective and blame others, so forgiveness may not come from your son, if he's not able to give that. I hope you can give this to yourself and be OK with taking care of yourself now and conserving your financial resources.

I just re-read that entire post and honestly, he was a young guy that processed things in a very healthy way.  Better than most of us.

First, let me say welcome to the family.  Every single one of us arrived under the same circumstances that you found this site, so know that it's okay to not be okay.  We've all been there and had no idea where to turn.  It doesn't make any sense, because mental illness doesn't make sense.

I'll echo what Forever said, there's not a perfect person on this planet.  We all make mistakes, and we all mess up.  That's not what should define us though.  If you love someone, you forgive them and work through it together.

Let's dive into your post.  She's pulling and pushing, she can't make up her mind, and she says contradictory things all the time.  What's true and what's not?

Well, it's all true IN THE MOMENT.  Think about hitting your finger with a hammer.  It feels like the world is ending, the pain is extraordinary, yet ten minutes later most people have completely recovered from it.  BPD is a lot like that because the person's emotions are all over the place when they're unstable and they're lashing out due to emotional pain.

She loves you- that's true.  She hates you- that's true.  She's just being fully transparent in the moment depending on her feelings.  And feelings constantly change, so what she said 10 seconds ago could be a lie right now when she's in a highly emotional state.  Yet it was true when she actually said it.

Does that help or make things more confusing?

Let's move on.  What can you do?  That's the million dollar question.  You mentioned that she's living with your parents, which has to be awkward at the moment.  Will that change in the near future?  Because it would be very difficult to go no contact while also having a relationship with your parents.

Here's what would be helpful for you to learn.  If she's screaming or depressed or super excited or anything in-between, it's because her feelings are out of balance.  When you see this, it is not the time to talk about life decisions.  You can ask her if she wants to grab lunch or go see a movie when she's unbalanced, but you can't ask her to start dating again.  Make sense?  You save the "real" talks for when she's neither high or low, because that's when she's thinking more with logic and less with her emotions.

Second, when she's disordered (another way to say not her normal self), you're there to help her through the moment and get back to her normal baseline.  If she's sad, cheer her up.  If she's angry, calm her down.  This sounds ridiculous at first but you'd be amazed at what a difference it makes. 

For instance, if she accuses you of something that's not even close to being true, the natural reaction would be to defend yourself, to set things straight, to argue and demand an apology.  But for a BPD person, they're just releasing pent-up emotional energy and they aren't truly thinking about anything that's said.  That's why you don't fight back, you don't take it personal.  If she's mad, help her calm down.

If you want to give it one more try, then you must learn to communicate in a different way.  You must understand where her feelings and confusing words come from- it's mental illness and nothing more.  She's sick, she's unstable, and if you love her then you'll learn to understand what is actually going on within her mind.  It's heartbreaking, to be honest, and I can't imagine living my life with those types of destructive circular thought patterns.

Of course you're not perfect.  Neither am I.  Neither is anyone.  Yet there is a difference between people with BPD traits (pwBPD) and us... a certain level of distorted thinking - mental illness if you will - versus reasonably normal people.


A pattern we typically see is the other has an unreasonable perception of close relationships and so it starts with an idolization phase.  But like everything new, everyday reality sets in and life isn't as brilliant anymore and the other's moods and feelings overreact, going from extreme highs to dire lows.  It's an endless cycle of ups and downs.  Those extremes are not normal.

It can impact us too. Picture getting on a new roller coaster for the first time.  Rushing up and down the track is so exhilarating.  The first time.  But the second time is ever so slightly less.  And each additional ride gradually becomes a little more normal, little by little.  That's life.  Our reactions and impressions don't remain at the same highs as the first time.  That's how we are made.

Sometimes, too, we can become queasy on roller coasters with all the ups and downs and twists and turns.  In such cases we need to get off at the next return to the station, take a breather and recover our equilibrium... perhaps even reassess when and if to return.

As for your ex, real help for her would be for her to start meaningful therapy sessions to diligently apply the counsel in her life, perceptions and behavior.  BPD is a disorder of close emotional relationships.  She can't really listen to you due to her perception of the past baggage of the relationship.  A therapist or counselor knows to build a professional relationship of trust rather than an emotional one.

I am bumping this because I need help.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3060772.0

This post was very similar honestly. Does anyone have any ideas on how I could communicate to her and not convince her to come back but find a way to have positive dialogue?