The fact that you calmed down enough overnight to look for a constructive path says a lot. Timing and framing make all the difference with this conversation.

Lead with you, not her. "I don't want to keep fighting like this, and I don't want to keep hurting you either, I want us to get help" lands differently than anything that starts with what she should do. It is hard for anyone to refuse a request that is about your own struggle.

Pick a calm window, not the aftermath of a fight. Even a day or two of quiet makes the suggestion feel less like an accusation.

Offer to go together rather than sending her. Couples counseling feels like a shared project instead of a verdict that she is the problem. If she refuses that too, you can still go alone, and that is not a failure, it gives you tools for whatever happens next.

If she reacts badly anyway, don't argue the point that night. Plant the seed once, gently, and let it sit. These ideas often get processed in private long after the conversation ends.

Hello and welcome to the family.  The dynamic you're sharing does sound like BPD since there are many familiar patterns.  I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

For the neice, I would advise not to send another letter/email.  Why?  Becuase if mom and dad read it, they could wonder why she talked to you in the first place and she could suddenly find herself in your position.  With mental illness, there's always some forms of abuse (mental, verbal, physical) and the neice would know that mom or dad would react very badly to any form of contact with you.  

You're the enemy in their minds.  Their kid goes off to college and suddenly she just happens to run into the enemy and talk long enough to where you'd send her an email?  They're going to think, what did she really say to you, why is she doing this to their family, etc.  For the ugly stuff you've seen on the outside looking in, the nuclear family in that home has seen far worse, far more often.  The neice will be smart enough not to engage with you...not because she hates you, but out of fear of what's waiting at home once mom and dad find out.

For your daughter, the simple answer is the most honest.  You grew apart from your brother, their family keeps to themselves.  There's no need to get into anything else because it doesn't matter.  Lots of us have cousins that we've never actually met or only talked to a handful of times.  I've never even thought about why, and maybe your daughter won't either.

Hi Ros,

That all sounds tragic and really hard to deal with.  I'm sorry about the loss of your dear sister, as well as the loss of a normal relationship with your brother.  That's a heavy burden to carry, even if you're not responsible.

It seems to me like you have a pretty good read into your brother's situation, even if you are currently estranged.  I suspect that your brother's BPD spouse is behind everything.  You see, it's a fairly typical for a pwBPD to try to isolate a spouse from other people, including family.  Why do they do this?  It's impossible to know for sure, but I think it's oftentimes rooted in deep insecurity about the relationship and extreme jealousy.  The pwBPD considers any outside friends or family as "stealing" attention, time, resources, etc. away from the pwBPD.  Basically, unless family members are providing tons of money, praise and/or free babysitting, they are considered rivals, potentially evil.  And the pwBPD will punish a spouse any time he talks about, contacts or fraternizes with other family members.

Your poor brother probably feels trapped--he has to isolate himself, in order to prevent backlash from his BPD wife and keep his home life together.  Over time, he might feel so isolated that he starts to loose his sense of self.  And his BPD wife is relentless, weaving narratives of how the family is abusive and won't give her the money and resources she thinks she's entitled to.  You see, entitlement and unrealistic expectations are typical of BPD.  When her needs aren't being met, she lashes out in intense anger.  A common BPD tactic is to punish others with estrangement, as well as by withholding access to children.  Meanwhile, she surveils your brother and controls his every move.  Eventually, he might actually start to believe her skewed narrative.  He's so beaten down by stress and strife that he can't even think straight.  On top of that, his BPD wife might have hijacked his computer or phone.  She might force him to send messages he doesn't really want to.  She might forbid him from seeing family.  It's possible your brother is subject to "house arrest," not allowed to leave the home unless it's to do his job.  He loses friends, hobbies, time for exercise, etc.  He doesn't have any healthy outlets, and his life becomes overwhelming.  He's probably not his usual self at all.

As for your niece, my guess is that's she's been hearing her mom's stories about how horrible you are for years now.  She's grown up thinking that her relatives are psycho, selfish, disrespectful and unloving.  She might be a little paranoid, wondering why on earth you are contacting her now.  I agree with the other poster, that if you do reach out, do not include any "ask" at first (not even confirmation of receipt), and do not be surprised if she doesn't respond.  I think if I were in your shoes, I'd start by reaching out with short, upbeat messages on key dates, such as a birthday or major holiday--nothing too frequent that might be considered harrassment.  One thing I do sometimes for younger relatives is send a little video clip by text which I think they could relate to (e.g. a happy birthday video clip featuring a dog or preferred hobby like skiing).  I've discovered that I tend to get a heart or thumbs up when I send a video clip, vs. nil response if I send plain text.  I guess I'm saying, I try to adapt to the preferred communication style of the person I'm trying to reach.

Over time, your niece might have a change of heart, seeing that you care enough to remember her and send her well wishes.  It's possible that the more distance she gets from her chaotic childhood home life, the more she'll consider reconnecting with other relatives.  I guess I'm impressed that your niece acted polite when she met you.  That indicates that she's not fully "committed" to estrangement from you.

As for your own daughter, I'd say it will be a long time before you have to worry about what to tell her about family.  While it might be sad not to know her uncle and cousins, think of the alternative:  that she has to spend a lot of time with them when they are so disordered.  A lot can happen between now and the time when she'll be old enough to hear about extended family.  I think you don't worry about that yet.

Welcome, and I am sorry about everything this family has carried, especially losing your sister, who clearly tried to hold this together with a lot of wisdom.

On the niece, one more low pressure email sounds right. Keep it short, warm, and ask nothing, no reply needed, just a door left open. Something like a memory you shared with her, a simple wish for her studies, and your contact details. If her parents do screen her mail, a message that carries no accusations and no asks is the safest kind for her to receive. Then the timing and the choice stay hers, which is really all you can give an adult child in that environment.

On your own daughter, age appropriate honesty usually beats a big reveal later. At a young age it can be as simple as some grown ups in families stop talking for a while, and it is never a child's job to fix it. As she grows you can add layers, including that you kept the door open and protected the family peace at the same time.

The part where you accepted what you cannot change while still caring about them, that is the hard won part. Six years of no contact plus this much compassion for their children says you have not closed your heart, you have just stopped standing in the fire.

Wishing you steadiness.

Hi Pluie.  I'm glad you've made plans, even if they're only temporary at this point.  When I was in your position several years ago with my BPD ex wife, I was just trying to get through each day. 

Going home for a week removes these burdens and that's exactly whay you need right now.  Maybe you decide to stay, or maybe you come back.  Either option is fine and your body will tell you what to do.  Please let us know if there's anything else we can do for you or questions we can answer.  We're here for you!

The big questions are... Is she currently in meaningful therapy?  If so, is she applying what the therapist recommends in her life, perceptions and behavior?  Is she willing to do so for however long it take to see improvement, even if it takes years?

In short, something has to change since you're at your limit.  So... if she doesn't or won't change then it's up to you to change the scenario.

Just a guess, but it sounds like she has told you she is/has BPD and, more or less, take her as she is?


Many here have faced your dilemma... a life-changing choice with children part of the equation.

Choice A:  Continue the marriage or relationship so the child had both parents in the same home.  Problem: Child does not have a reasonably normal home environment.

Choice B:  Try therapy to have the marriage or relationship improve and if not then end the adult relationship.  Court system assigns details of custody, Parenting schedule, vacations, exchanges, etc.  Problem:  Child goes between two homes where (as a benefit) one home is reasonably normal.

Neither choice is automatically good or bad.  Many factors are to be considered.

I know last night I was panicking a bit. We just had a really big fight and I kinda just cracked under the pressure. I've calmed down a bit, and figured the best way for both of us to move forward is to get some kind of therapy or counseling for this. The only issue is I'm a little afraid to suggest the idea, as she may just say no and outright refuse if I'm a little too nasty. Any tips or ideas for how to approach the idea gently? And possibly how to know when is a good time to bring it up (I'm not very good with social cues)

Hi again,

Thank you for encouraging me to keep focused on reality.
These last days at my friend's house have helped me recover just enough to make some short-term plans. I am going back to my home country at least for a week (before my sick leave permit ends). My goal, for now, is just to regain some energy and avoid renouncing to the minuscule things I have build in this place. I feel like the big decisions, such as moving back permanently, must wait. I don't feel like I am completely lucid after all that has happened.
I saw him briefly today while I was taking some clothes from the old apartment and saying hello to my cat. He started talking about how happy he is about moving and starting the new job. I didn't engage, except for wishing him good luck (which was sincere. I genuinely love him and that cannot change).

Others will respond soon to your question, but I wanted to mention a concept that is a bit difficult to realize... a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) is a person with the traits we all have but they're to an extreme, often unbalanced, displaying high highs and low lows.  Those massive up and down swings can be triggered by almost anything, anytime, anywhere.

With most people, there is a balance of sorts between logical, reasonableness, emotions and feelings.  PwBPD are challenged to remain relatively stable, their feelings often define their perceptions, sometimes positively such at the start of a relationship but too often over time in a negative way overall.  Borderline has been described as an emotional disregulation disorder that is most evident in the closest of relationships.

Where your ex exists on this behavior spectrum is hard to say.  Some are more "acting in" where they tend to do more harm to themselves.  Others are more "acting-out" where they are more aggressive to those around them, though this may not become evident until much later.  BPD tends to become more difficult to deal with the longer the relationship because other triggers can accumulate such as obligations such as marriage, children, even life in general, etc can add increasing stress.

You both would do well to seek counseling to become educated about what this means and its impact on your lives.  If your ex already knows she has BPD, then she may already have been in therapy.  Therapy is not just a few sessions, it is necessary perhaps for years.  BPD is, in many ways, not something she has, like a broken arm or cancer, it is something she is... her feelings, her perceptions, her reality and more.

Really sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. Believe me, I get it.

Re: CPS:
It may be less of a question of "they won't do anything" and more a question of "even though they might not do anything, I may have a responsibility to report, regardless of the outcome". Does that make sense? Ask your L.