Thanks so much for responding. Let's see if I can tag and respond...

  @Kells76 Yes. My lawyer has talked to me about changes in circumstances and how that would be a good approach. And I def want a GAL. I want someone solely on my kids side. Can you please tell me more about your experience with a GAL? Like would I be able to request that the GAL speak to my kids current and previous teachers? My kid is in therapy and has been for a little over a year at this point. Would the GAL be able to speak with my kids therapist? And I think a custody eval would be useful too. Would you mind telling me more about your experience with that? I petitioned for custody and majority parenting time too.
My child is 6. 50/50  custody and legal. Yes I have a lawyer (same one that helped me get out). Changes to circumstances- the custody decree has always been a disaster. My ex picks and chooses what to follow and what not to follow, is horrible at communication (withholding info, not responding to emails for long periods of time or not at all, makes unilateral decisions...goes on).

 @SuperDaddy We divorced years ago and at the time of those posts I was concerned that my ex would leave the state with our child. Also, it was during the pandemic, I was deep in an abusive relationship and trying to get out (a lot more nuance and context for all of that). Socio-psychological evaluation...I will look into this but would appreciate anything you know about this.

 @ForeverDad Excellent list, thank you! Follow up questions- I have been documenting since hiring a divorce lawyer. What is the best way to organize my documentation to get the court to really look and consider it? And it is good to know about the 6 month thing, but I think with what I have it would for sure be helpful in showing patterns that are not in our child's best interest. Any advice on pointing out those patterns?
Congrats on the final outcome! 6 years is a very long time, you did it! That gives me hope. I feel like I have SO MUCH documentation. Any advice on ranking topics by importance?

Thank you all so much. If you know of any people or resources that might be able to help me please let me know! And if there is any other info from me about my situation that you think might help you better understand or advise- please ask.
Thank you thank you thank you

100% solid advice from HoratioX.. the main thing for you to do is to maintain total no contact, no matter how much you want to. we've all been through this and it is truly hard to do but all you're doing is letting her know you're still interested if she ever wants you at that time.

She has an illness which stops her deciding on a normal path of action she can stick to, such as having a relationship, taking it seriously and putting work into keeping it going. She can't do any of this; she lives by her ever-changing emotional state minute by minute and she acts only according to this.

She will drop her current guy in a heartbeat to come back to you then drop you in another heartbeat when she starts thinking the other guy was the better option after all. Repeat.

She has no rules to play by and no sense of the 'long term' and you're the one who will be constantly hurt because you care and actually do want something serious.

Stay strong and keep busy with friends, hobbies - anything to keep you occupied. Time is what's needed, it will get better,

My BPD relationship was back in the mid-80s - some 38 years ago! It just shows the intensity that I still think about it even now and wish things could have worked out.

Given that this was in the time before we all had home internet to easily research things, I had no knowledge of BPD and just assumed she had a bad streak. It's only in recent years that I've researched her symptoms and found they matched BPD near perfectly.

I'm 100% sure she would never have agreed to therapy of any kind as, in her mind, she wasn't the problem, everyone else was. My slightest criticism that there was anything wrong with her was always met with anger and retreat.

I spoke to her sister-in-law only a couple of years ago and she said my ex hadn't changed one bit since our days and had now cut off from her remaining family. I'm just glad I got out when I did after having suffered 4 years.. the thought that I could have had this abuse for nearly 40 years now is too unthinkable.

Hi y'all,

Last time I posted, people mostly got caught up talking about my use of the term 'quiet BPD', which was helpful to think about, but I'm still needing for some feedback on more urgent areas of my situation:

I should've shared that I've had 4 or so nervous breakdowns in the last couple of months - I guess that'd be the term for them? Maybe it's not kosher to say on this forum, as I know we should be trying to use our skills to navigate conflict, but I personally believe it's important for me to observe that my body is trying to communicate with me in this new inability/unwillingness to cope with relational stress. Ever since my partner called me abusive, something in me completely rejects the option of sublimating my needs to navigate us through conflict. And each time a conflict with BP hallmarks arises, since I no longer chart a course through, instead I completely lose myself in the spiral, resulting in the breakdowns and anguish. Not a livable pattern.

I decided to find another place to live for a month, to hope that the distance will give me clarity and save my mental health. We've tried breaks in the past, and during those, I felt pretty sure that I wanted to find a way back to being present in our relationship. This time around though, I am really scared for my health. I felt like hurting myself in one breakdown, just to show how much pain I was in. I did not, but it worries me to realize that hospitalization/an inpatient program may be my only option, if I don't figure something else out. I feel all I can do is protect myself from another collapse by removing myself.

I communicated my decision to live elsewhere for a month to my partner, and she heard it out. We pretended that the cause of my breakdowns is mysterious, although somehow related to our dynamic (to me it's not a mystery, though I'm definitely not totally clear on why things are happening so strongly now). In short, I don't know if I can come back to our relationship after the break. What kind of considerations did y'all undertake to really assess for yourself whether to stay in a relationship (we are married 4 years, without kids, but I'm financially unstable currently)? And I know I'm hurting her by leaving for a while, but I feel it's the best choice - is this reasonable to do?

Thank you kindly to you helpful strangers out there, as always.

I have spoken to him with effective communication via text-  texting is much better than trying to talk in person. I told him his options that either he can sign himself off the lease and I will stay here OR I will sign off with his approval and will move somewhere else. I told him if either of these options do not work I will have to get a no contact order. I spoke with my property manager and notified her of the situation which was very difficult and embarrassing for me BUT I did that today. He has agreed to sign himself off of the lease. He says he will leave tmrw -he's continuing to push it off until other time and always has excuses. I will continue to enforce these boundaries and be very specific- letting him know that if he does not leave and execute one of our 2 options I will get a no contact order. He continues to distance himself completely with minimal contact. He is protecting himself from my vulnerable state which scares him. This is why this is so difficult it just breaks my heart :-( He's just NOT capable in so many ways- he doesn't have the skills or the insight - it's just not there

Based on the theory of opioids, the main aspects seen in BPD are created by their brains to fulfill the goal of making them feel in an emergency situation so that endogenous opioids are released:

Borderline personality disorder: A dysregulation of the endogenous opioid system?
https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2010-06891-012

The study talks about the more extreme behaviors, but I think that's because it's easier to quantify the extremes. I think the reality distortion, irrational thinking, and conflict-seeking behavior could also be a form of stimulating their EOS. Would it make sense to think your partner is doing that?

Here is a partial quote from one of the best articles by clinical psychologist Dr Joe Carver:

Dr Joe Carver has long since retired and his website is gone but this link has an entire article to download:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305771.0
If you wish to view his other handouts, read my notes I posted to that thread on using "web.archive.org" to find his archived website.

Dr Joe Carver was a clinical psychologist who practiced in south central Ohio but retired many years ago.  His website is gone now and was last archived at web.archive.org on 21 November 2023.  Search there for "https://drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm" and select from archival dates before 2024.

Here is a partial quote from one of his best articles:

Hi hiiumaa ,

Your second message clarified the interaction well. It seems like you are doing a good job in communicating your boundaries clearly. You also took the right steps that day when you called the police. And I understand how that day has broken something inside you. Because then you realized he was willing to go that far.

When he said, "Thank you for challenging me.", what challenge was he referring to? I was wondering if he was referring to the day in which you called the police, since that was the moment when he understood his limits. Or he could be talking about the challenger being sober?

When communicating a new boundary or when enforcing an already communicated boundary, we have a tendency to do it in a very negative way since we are feeling bad at that moment. I think this is part of what makes it so hard to have a positive effect from it. But if it is communicated in a positive way, there is a much greater chance of things working out later. I know it's not possible to communicate effectively when they are dysregulated, and therefore it's difficult to do validation at the moment, but our mood always has an impact on them anyway.

Therefore, it is important to talk about your decisions when both are calm. This is how I got my wife to agree with our split. I waited until she was in her best mood (and I was too). It almost didn't feel right to talk about the split at that moment, but I was decided, so I pushed forward with the conversation until she positioned herself about it in a reasonable way. A few times I tried to talk about it, and she became hostile or irrational, so I gave up talking but then pushed the topic again on the next good opportunity.

Ideally, your partner should agree with all of your boundaries, or at least accept them (without overeacting to it every time you talk about it). Do you have decisions of which he does not agree with?

Apart from this, what kind of therapy is he doing? In the case of BPD, it should really be a specialist, preferably with DBT. Have you also considered bipolar? It's quite common to have both diagnostics comorbid. But bipolar is not a personality disorder, so it must be treated through the mouth (capsules, a special food diet perhaps, etc.).

That's great to hear! 

I went a similar path; the divorce to my BPD ex took almost two years (mainly due to COVID backlogs with the courts) and I have moved on to find love again. 

I've been married for about 18 months and it's been so night and day different; there are a million little things that my wife does for me that never would have even crossed my BPD ex's mind.  I still catch myself at times thinking, "I can't believe she remembered that..."  For instance, she travelled for work today and searched to find a pizza franchise there that we had on a vacation when we were first dating.  So she hauled a pizza home from three hours away just to surprise me.

That's what happens in a loving relationship when you give everything to someone else and they give it right back.

One more thing I'll add- the skills I learned here over time absolutely, positively play a daily role in my current marriage.  While my wife isn't disordered or anything, I've learned to lean with empathy and consider her feelings before jumping into an argument over something dumb.  If she gets mad over something, I'll let her be mad...but still show her I care in little ways.  Then she comes to me a bit later laughing, apologizing, and all is well in the world.

I can't say when to move on after a BPD breakup, but I can say that you'll be pleasantly surprised when you find someone that loves you for you and it just works.  Sometimes it feels so easy I wonder if I'm missing something, but I think that's learning to let go of those past fears of anxiety.