Hi and welcome to the site - you're in good company as we've all gone through the exact same things you're describing. BPD is such a scripted illness it tends to play out almost exactly the same for everyone.. read the many other threads in these forums and you'll see they're identical.

It's hard to understand - and quite a shock - when that first breakup happens; going from  happiness  into sudden detachment and seemingly out of the blue for no reason. but BPD is an illness of high emotions and often the BPD sufferer doesn't know what they want from day to day.


Absolutely! Ironically, BPD causes the sufferer to react more strongly with the person they're closest too - you. This means you get their good and happy days but also their bad ones too.  BPD people can also feel 'swamped and suffocated' by situations that wouldn't bother a non-BPD.  They can be very happy to be in a relationship one day but then suddenly feel overwhelmed at all that's going on and suddenly withdraw - which can involve being seemingly blunt and uncaring to their partner.

BPD is an illness where everything is black and white and there is little middle ground, which leaves them unable to sit down and discuss things logically - as we could - so they tend to go to an extreme and just walk away. It doesn't mean they want to do this, it's simply their emotions running them.

Its not personal so try not to take it that way - though it is very hard not to when it happens. You're treating them great and they then just walk away like you've treated them badly. We've all been through this.

You can give your partner some space when these incidents happen as there's nothing to be gained from trying to push them into getting back - all here have tried that and it never works against a strongly-set BPD mind.

Still let them know you're there for them though, without being too pushy. Again, due to their black and white thinking we have to be careful of our responses; too much response  and they'll feel overwhelmed and back off further, while too little response can make them think you're not interested in keeping them. You need to be a good balancer when with someone with BPD

Try not to be guilt-tripped too - you're doing nothing wrong, you're just with someone who, due to their illness, doesn't have any rules to play by and it can cause us to doubt ourselves and think we must be causing the problems.

Hope this helps a little, I'm sure many more will be along to comment and advise too. Feel free to keep posting - it does us all good to write it down and get it off our chest.

Good morning,
My 35yo adopted daughter’s symptoms have never been this bad.  She has been declining for months and she now has done the worst thing again! I am divorced and  my grandson (her nephew) lives with me.  My daughter with BPD  has reported her father to the children and family services.  She has said that she does not think I am keeping him safe- and that her is accusing her father of sexually abusing our grandson.  This is the second time she has done this.  I do not believe it for one second.  Last time or this time.  She is dangerous, in my opinion.  She can say anything about anyone!  My ex-husband will be devastated if he finds out it is her who made these accusations.  She also now blames me for ‘allowing this to happen’.  That is the worst event of many over the past 8-10 months…
The hard part, too, is that my grandson adores her!  He always wants to see her and call her.  I’m always making excuses that she is working etc… Christmas will be a blow when our traditions will not include his aunty….

Many people here have family members who fit the characteristics of BPD but don't have an official diagnosis. Still, the tools here help to cope with the behaviors as they are relationship tools in general.

One aspect of BPD is to project uncomfortable feelings and an unstable sense of self. Many high functioning professionals have a part of their sense of self invested in their work, and also some cultures place a lot of value in this. It is possible that when your wife isn't employed, she feels badly about herself and may be projecting her feelings at you, (the closest person to her) and possibly co-workers too.

Your statement- there are difficult people in every job situation- is often true.  Jobs require both technical and interpersonal skills. PwBPD can be competent in the job but not able to maintain one due to their interpersonal issues.

However, when your wife comes to you complaining about someone in her job, what she's seeking is validation for her feelings first. When you say something like "difficult people are everywhere" to her, it's your attempt at helping her feel better but to her, it feels invalidating, because it's a "you can fix it" statement- rather than a "I hear you" one.  While you don't want to go into a big complaint fest over it- a change in her response from "you can fix this" to "yes, I hear you" may help in these interactions.

While it may be that the spouse or family member has BPD, if they were to go to therapy, it would have to be their choice, and sometimes they don't choose it. Yet, the spouse/family member can benefit from their own therapy- to help them cope with it and for their own self growth. So the answer- how can you know if your wife has a problem or is it you- maybe both because whether or not she actually has BPD- this is something you are seeing is an issue for the two of you. Individual counseling, where you can speak freely to somone objective can be of help.

That makes sense of why he was keen to get married and feel 'secure'. I guess it's that security that someone with BPD needs due to their empty sense of self and need to belong. It's so very sad really. I now see that all his behaviours have been to compensate for how he feels inside. I just wish, when he'd come across BPD in a self help book and seen himself in it, he would have taken that as a step towards seeking help. Oh well, nothing I can do about that

For me, it steadily got easier as I realized what I could control and what I couldn't.

I could attempt to fix the broken relationships with the BPDs in my life, but only to a certain level.  I apologized for hurting their feelings and I told them that I loved them and want what's best for them.  But then, I had to back off and allow time to deal with everything else.  I couldn't fix what someone else broke within themselves.

As time passed though, I realized that what I could actually fix was right in front of me.  My daily habits, my nutrition, my routines and hobbies and inner circles.  I was 100% in control there.  If I had a tough day, I got in the car and drove...to anywhere.  I'd just get out and explore the world while letting my mind steady itself. 

In time, I started volunteering locally, which was fantastic because I was focused on other people's struggles instead of my own.  That in itself brought healing and put the world into perspective.  I also joined a local gym, I adopted a dog, and I started back with some old hobbies to pass the time. 

But before I knew it, with all the new life goals and activities, I was actually waking up happy.  My life had purpose and direction.  I was making new friends while also realizing which of my old relationships were healthy or toxic.  And my perspective changed even more because for the first time in decades, I was 100% in control of my own life and making decisions based on what was best for me.

I look back at where I was 4 years ago and I barely recognize that person anymore.  He was trapped in broken relationships, hopeless debt, and a very unhealthy lifestyle while always trying to please the wrong types of people.  I put myself last in almost every circumstance and I was lonely, depressed, and just barely getting by....even with my "family" all around me. 

I said all of that to share that you'll get there too.  How long it takes depends more on you than anything though.  How long until you accept what you can actually control and what you need to let go of?  It's certainly not easy, I completely understand.  It is lifechanging though!

This post was from a month ago when you were still wishing you could patch things together.

You will have to be the person making responsible decisions.  If you have no income between the two of you, it is totally unrealistic to buy or rent a dream house.

As for her threat to make you pay support to her or to her on the child's behalf, that requires an examination of the history.  While a lot depends on which state you reside in, if you've only been married a handful of years then likely any spousal support would be short term, at most a couple years, if that.

Another aspect is how well she does parenting.  Who cares most for your child?  Can it be documented?  Does she behave poorly (arguing, fighting, etc) in front of your child?

For better and more focused responses, I suggest you post on our Separating/Divorcing board.

There is a time element for incidents to be considered more actionable.  An example I've given in the past what what might happen if you call emergency services and say, "My ex almost burned down my house last week!"  Likely the response would be, "Please call back when it's an urgent matter."

So just going to the police and filing an incident may or may not trigger action.  And depending on your local policies and procedures even that may not be considered actionable.  So go get a legal opinion from a qualified and experienced family court attorney.

In some jurisdictions, destroying furniture and other items may qualify as DV.  You won't know until you seek an answer.

In my own separation, I was flummoxed when I filed a report, she was facing a Threat of DV charge and I got a TPO and temp possesion of the home... yet she then rushed to family court and filed for a protection order against me... and she got temp custody and temp majority time (all I got was alternate weekends) for the next TWO YEARS until the divorce was final.  Clearly the lawyers and the court were disinclined to modify the temp order despite continuing discord.

All I could conclude was that the courts viewed her as though she were two separate people - a problem spouse that was assumed by default policy to be the better parent.

Another legal perception of which to be aware...  You may be thinking, this is documentation for the future.  Surprisingly, it may or may not be helpful.  My experience and that of others has been that courts are reluctant to address or include incidents older than 6 months, evidently considering them too old (legally stale) to indicate whether they might still be actionable.

Do not assume that you will not get full custody of your child. The video you have taken of your wife physically attacking you in front of your child, would be considered child abuse in some legal jurisdictions in which the child would be taken away from the abusive parent if there were any more incidents of domestic violence in front of the child. Do consult a lawyer ASAP to protect yourself, your child, and to be prepared for what might happen.

You are in a challenging situation that benefits each of you.  It would cost your mother more to pay someone to do what you are doing for her.  If you were to get paid for the tasks you do for her, it could change your Medicaid qualifications.

With someone with BPD/NPD they seek control through whatever power they have. Your mother seems to hold the financial power, while you have the caregiver power. While you may not be thinking along those terms, consider you are not powerless in this situation. In actuality, your mother is dependent on you for the tasks you do- but her NPD aspect means she won't likely acknowlege that.

My BPD/with NPD mother used money as a means of control and power. Also, to avoid the appearance of being dependent and to feel superior, she could be verbally abusive to the people who were helping her the most- all the while being completely dependent on them in her elder years.

She made some poor financial decisions but we had no way to intervene- even for her own behalf. She remained legally competent and so we kids had no input to her decisions. I saw where she had redone her legal papers on time ( that I know of) and they appeared weaponized, so yes, if your mother is legally competent, she could do that.

Ultimately, if your mother is legally competent then, even if it's not fair to you, you can not count on her providing or leaving you anything. Maybe she will, but maybe she won't. On the other hand, should you decide to move out and not help her- she would also be in a difficult situation. She may threaten to kick you out, but if she knows it would be harder without you,  she may not do it---- but she won't admit to that. She needs to feel she's in power. Keep that in mind. This may be posturing.

However, you must also protect yourself. This may mean saving some of your income into an emergency fund in case she does kick you out, while still maintaining your eligibility for Medicaid. If you do inherit property or money at some point, that may impact your eligibility. Another aspect of Medicaid that might affect you, is that, if your mother is ever in a nursing home on Medicaid herself and she owns the house- Medicaid will take that to cover the costs. If she transfers it into your name it can affect her eligibilty (Medicaid look back) and possibly yours at some point. If you need to look into this situation further, a local council on elder or elder law attorney can assist you. At some point, your mother may need to assign power of attorney to you if you need to assist her beyond errands and help with medication, and if she is willing to do that.

For now, if this arrangement is working for you financially, I think your game plan is to maintain this win win situation, and keep in mind that you benefit her when she says otherwise. My BPD mother complained, said negative things to me about one of her caregivers, told me several times she was going to fire her. She never did. This woman was wonderful to her and she depended on her.

However, in this situation, you will need to help maintain your own sanity- by doing things on your own,  getting therapy,  having some "time off" from being your mother's helper. If you did have a way to move out, it would be an option, but from what it appears, it's the better one financially for the both of you.

I should share a bit more, nuances to your approach if pondering separation and divorce.

First, do not underestimate the extent of a spouse's obstruction and attempted sabotage.  Do not assume she will think and do as you would and default to normal reactions.  You as the reasonably normal spouse will naturally be held to a far higher standard than her.  So you can't respond to her aggression in any way that might be construed as aggressive or violent.  So imagine you have a judge looking over your shoulder 24/7.

Also, your approach to married life must change.  When trying to repair a relationship, both must be sharing information to rebuild trust.  However, if it is failing or failed, then you must be strategic is what you do or don't share.  Obviously, you do share parenting information and other necessary financial details.  But on most other matters, you must ponder twice and thrice before sharing so that your spouse has less ammunition with which to obstruct and sabotage you.  Once you have selected a lawyer you will have someone local to warn you of problematic topics.  You might be tempted to exclaim something that might enable your spouse to sabotage your legal strategies.

Similarly, you can suggest to her that you both (avoid "you" and moderate it as "we") need to see therapists to address the conflict but - this is important - do NOT mention you believe she has BPD or some other acting-out personality disorder.  And do not mention specific treatments such as DBT.  She can get triggered by almost anything you say, but at least try to avoid those particulars.

And do not forewarn her you are reading Eddy's Splitting handbook nor that you're confidentially and privately consulting with lawyers.  For many topics, it will be better to leave things guarded and unsaid.