It's a tricky line to ride for me. It's been 12 days of no contact and I feel like I've already said all that I could say in that first week of chasing and it's probably best not to break the silence. My reckless chasing probably caused either a permanent split or one that will last a very very long time and that reality has been very hard to face because I feel I really loved her. Since we were long distance I doubt she'll really even be prompted to think about me after a certain amount of time since there isn't much reminding her to do so. I'm hurting badly, but thank you for the response - reading it did help quite a bit. Do you think reaching out after a few weeks with a brief message is wise?

I am so technically challenged. I thought your comment I highlighted would be connected to my message. Maybe next time.

Pook,
Thank you for sharing. For me, it's about being clear about the reality of the issues my son deals with. This has been his life long struggle. I'd love nothing more than to see him healed from this illness. As that's not the case - I need to not be thrown off or discouraged when he choices and actions reflect otherwise. I agree, that for my peace of mind I need to have limited knowledge about his life. That's sad for a parent who loves their child. But as you said I have no control and I'm not willing to ride on that emotional roller-coaster anymore. It hasn't helped him (I have tried for decades) and it sure doesn't help me.
Besides the letting go, I need to grieve I suppose and choose acceptance of what is our reality.  I truly appreciate the support

If I don't have any control, and I have very little influence on how she lives life, then I'm not going to focus on it anymore.  She can call or visit and I'll be supportive...but I won't be in the middle of anything.  I'll listen, calm her down, and give short, basic advice.  The rest is up to her though and I accept that.
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My heart goes out to you for all the abuse you have endured and are enduring at the hands of your mother. I also have enormous respect for all you have accomplished despite being raised by and caring for an abusive mother.

The final goal here seems to be to not have to be responsible for taking care of your mother. I do think that you must carefully plan how to do this so you accomplish this goal. Even though you are a lawyer, it could make a lot of sense to consult an attorney who specializes in dealing with children refusing to no longer care for an abusive parent and how to chart the best path forward.

Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help.

I thought I would ‘test’ it.

I asked a retrospective question. I explained the events leading up to my marriage breaking down, but only up to a point before it actually did. I explained that it was a repeating behaviour of what had gone on before in my marriage.
It called it 100%

I then asked it a couple more question ‘acting dumb’ while knowing how it all played out in reality  and its answers tracked the actual events remarkably well.

I’m sure it has its limitations, but from my experience it has done pretty well.

OK Aristotle.  You take your mom back to her home and you go back to yours.  There is nothing wrong with that!

I'd say, if your mom is tormenting you, you go ahead and block her on your phone.  Is there a risk she'll come looking for you at your place?  Then change your locks, if she has a key.  If she bangs on your door, you call the cops.  If she threatens you with violence, call the cops.  If necessary, you get a restraining order, and if she violates it in any way, you call 911.

But I suspect that maybe your mom isn't the physical assaulting type, but rather the type of person who thinks she's helpless, and she whines and puts up a fuss at all hours to get you to be her slave.  I think the way to deal with that is to cut off communications with her.  She can get help elsewhere--social services, senior services, a hospital, neighbors, other family members.  She has money, so let her take care of herself for once.  If she has a physical disability, she can arrange for appropriate care, or possibly move to assisted living.  Sure, she might feel emotionally dependent on you, needing to whine and lash out at you whenever she feels like it.  Well that's going to stop because you're not hearing it anymore.

You are responsible for YOU.  She's responsible for her.  You worry about YOU.  She can worry about herself.

I think that once you get some time and space away from your mom, you'll start to feel a little better.  It might take some time and adjustment, but right now, it sounds like you're having a trauma-based response, of fight or flight.  Maybe your brain is working overtime, worrying about the potential repercussions, because let's face it, your mom is extremely disodered.  But that's not your concern right now.  You need to get back on track to taking care of YOU.  That includes getting regular sleep, eating right, taking care of your finances and doing your job.  If you need therapy, get it.  Once things settle down, you can breathe a little easier and maybe have time for exercise, hobbies, friends.  You deserve that.

Also, I don't want you to feel guilty.  That's just your mom playing Jedi mind tricks on you.  A healthy mom would be over the moon that her kid got a law degree and a job in NYC.  A healthy mom would want her adult child to flourish.  So you go do that, OK?

I was smart enough to keep her home when I moved. She’s going back to hers and I will leave and go back to my own.

Hi Aristotle,

Welcome back.  I'm really glad you graduated and achieved financial independence.  But I'm sorry you're at the end of your rope with your disordered mom.  That she treats you badly in spite of all that you've done for her just proves she's mentally impaired.

I think you need to do what you have to do to get away from your mom.  I'm just not clear on whether you're kicking your mom out of YOUR home, or if you're leaving her home to go somewhere else.  If it's the latter, I think you just leave and not tell her where you're going.  If I remember correctly, your mom has financial resources, so she can figure out her own situation.

IMHO, you are not wrong.  I relate to your desparation.  What you are describing is more than a person should be expected to stand.  Your well-being is at stake and this is doing nothing to improve hers.  I do not know the logistical options you have but saving yourself is critical.