Hi, Mutt,

Thank you for the link. I did some more digging.

Heartbreak is definitely where I am now. My daughter's threats and accusations and remonstrations and anger are overwhelming. They come at me like a hurricane all at once. She won't "talk" to me and instead sends me massive amounts of texts all-at-once and in very fast succession and then once she gets what she wants whether it's to abuse me, call me names, tell me horrible things about me, in the same breath telling me she doesn't "blame me for who I am" and then threatening to hurt herself and then telling me that I have to support her. I haven't said I won't support her, I'm trying to get her on her feet but she vacillates between saying she's trying to get her act together and that it's all hopeless and nothing will get better.

Knowing the BPD diagnosis helped a lot with all of the confusion I've had the past 5 or so years. It made a lot of sense. Reading posts here and reading as much as I can about the disorder has helped a LOT about making sense of the last few years. Everything makes a LOT more sense but that doesn't mean it makes it easier.

It was like I was putting together a jigsaw puzzle about my daughter's behavior and I had no frame to put it in. I couldn't figure out the corner pieces or the edges to put the other pieces inside. Once I started reading about BPD a LOT of things fell into place.

A friend said that knowing about this is both a curse and a blessing. I can put a name to what she's going through and how to better manage my reaction to her and her outbursts but it doesn't lessen how debilitating it feels being unable to do anything about it.

Parents are wired to care and protect. I can't do either.

Hi Samss,

The question “Did I do this?” really stood out to me.

Many of us have asked that same question. BPD isn’t caused by one parent, one mistake, or one childhood event. It’s much more complex than that. Guilt is a heavy thing to carry, and it doesn’t help you or her.

What I hear most in your post isn’t anger - it’s heartbreak. Loving from the sidelines can feel disheartening and futile.

You’re not alone in that feeling.

Hi, Mutt,

What's been weighing on me? Let's see...

Did I do this?
What made her go from a loving child to one that is all-at-once ranting and manipulative and raving and demanding money as "compensation for her childhood". Seriously, that was part of last exchange to me. Once I gave her the money, even AFTER I gave her the money, she continued to rant saying things like "do I know I'm being manipulative, yes", or "I'm jealous of you, you've had a child and a home and a marriage" (even though I'm divorced many years now), and "I'll never have any of that".

Everything was so all-at-once hopeless and completely devoid of any hope for her. She spends too much time online reading about "things" and it is nuts her views on things that she didn't used to have before. Everything is only her opinion as the right one. No one, especially not me, can tell her anything. If I try to have any sort of opinion about anything, I'm immediately to be discounted and attacked all-at-once.

Until I read the line from her last exchange that she had this and a host of other issues, I didn't know what the diagnosis was because she won't share information with me. I have her on my insurance and told her to use my insurance to pay for the therapy and her response was, "you'll know who my therapist is then". I don't get what that would get me. I just wanted to make sure she had what she needs. That's it. I just want to make sure that what she needs for therapy and medication is covered. She can't seem to hold down a job, or I don't even know if she's looking. She makes comments about applying to places but when I give her leads, she ignores me.

It's all very frustrating watching from the sidelines and only hearing from her when she's manic in one direction or another. Although, now that I know what the diagnosis is it puts her behavior for the past few years in perspective. A lot more things make sense. I've been saying to friends that she goes from one extreme to another and it's bizarre dealing with the jekyll/hyde personality. So much more stuff makes sense now.

That doesn't mean any of it is easy though. I want to wrap her up in a big fluffy blanket surrounded by bubble wrap and make sure she's safe but she won't let me so all I can do is watch from the sidelines while she listens to her mother who is probably the worst person in the world to enable whatever she's dealing with.

Honestly, it all feels very disheartening and futile.

Hi Samss,

I’m really glad you came back and posted again. Finding out about the diagnosis after the fact can be really unsettling, especially when things swing from loving and connected to intense outbursts so quickly. A lot of us here know that emotional whiplash.

Please don’t blame yourself for not handling things differently. Most parents aren’t told about the diagnosis, and even when we are, it takes time to learn new ways of responding.

Stop Walking on Eggshells is a pretty common starting point. Many people here have found it helpful just to make sense of what’s happening.

For in-person support in NYC, you might want to look into NAMI NYC (National Alliance on Mental Illness – NYC Metro). They run family support groups and a Family-to-Family course for caregivers:
https://naminycmetro.org

You’re not alone in this. What’s been weighing on you the most these past couple of weeks?

Since I'm not getting any responses to my query about in-person support groups in NYC. I was wondering if anyone has used/read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger?

I've been doing a lot of reading about BPD, and it seems like a good practical resource on how to respond with the emotional unreasonableness of how my daughter comes at me when she has her outbursts.

Still hoping anyone can recommend in-person support groups in NYC. Any responses would be most appreciated.

oh CGAME,

Iam so sorry that you are hurting. It must seem right now that everything is falling apart and that your whole family has turned against you and your husband putting his hands on you will never be acceptable. You were looking for some support or compassion from your spouse and He had no right to do that.

Please dont blame yourself. You didnt press his buttons or ask for that. As others have said you dont have to make any rash decisions right now about your future or where you want to be but please look into getting some emotional support lined up outside of your home if feel that you cant express yourself safely without fear of things escalating. Making an apts to see a GP for the low mood you are experiencing caused by this family crisis and a therapist to talk things through will help..

Good morning . I want to thank those of you that replied to my post. I’m a new member still learning to navigate this site. What I’ve read so far has been comforting & helps me to not feel so alone

Hi 13Bfmv13,

I’m really glad you posted. Being called names during conflict - especially during something vulnerable like intimacy - isn’t small. That lands hard.

Trying to understand what drives his reactions is one piece. But the impact on you matters just as much. Name-calling and shutting you down aren’t healthy conflict tools, regardless of what triggered them. And the lack of repair afterward is significant. Repair is what makes long-term relationships sustainable.

Ten years is a long time to carry a cycle like that. It makes sense that you’d feel tired.

Instead of focusing only on whether this fits BPD traits, I’d gently ask: when this happens, what do you need to feel steady again? And are those needs being met?

You’re not overreacting.

CG4ME,

I’m really glad you posted.

What happened with your husband isn’t just an argument. Being pinned down and held like that is physical intimidation. No matter what explanation he gives, that crosses a line.

You don’t have to decide the fate of your marriage or your relationship with your daughters tonight. Right now the priority is your safety and your stability.

It makes sense you feel overwhelmed. You reached for support and instead felt overpowered. That’s deeply unsettling.

For now, focus on staying safe and reaching out for outside support - therapist, hotline, someone steady. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

One step at a time.

Oh, now it is clear why she has this type of jealousy. Because this behavior from women is so common in their culture. It is not impossible. Her sister and neighbor could be willing to "take a ride." I have heard that some girls have multiple phones, one for each male partner.