Hi, I had the difficult conversation with my swbpd 2 days ago. He reacted loudly with blaming, accusing - it was a spiral. I handled it best I could, trying to be empathetic and validating and didn't add fuel to the fire. We ended with a calm conversation about stuff. Last night my son text "I'm sorry I lost my temper, I feel terrible" I responded that I said a hard thing that hurt and you reacted. Now, the hard work. I told my son I wouldn't be giving him anymore money. I have rescued my son paying debts into to many thousands and I've dug too deep into my small retirement nest egg. I feel bad because he works hard. But his mismanagement, disordered thinking and over spending undermines all his efforts. Sheese, he has more "stuff" than I do.
Anyway I finally am getting my helping hasn't helped, I'm just keeping the hamster wheel turning.
Help! How did you hold tough - knowing that your child could very easily be homeless? My younger son shares a house with his brother. I warned my youngest son about what I needed to do and to prepare himself. I'm sure he has friends he can stay with until he gets a place. My bpd son may not have people willing to have him stay. He can't live with us. My husband said no way. I don't want him here either. That sounds cruel but we've been through that about 5 yrs ago. I hate mental illness. I hate what it robs from the people who suffer with it and from their families.
So, I need to say no even if.... Have you experienced your child managing when you let go? Is there hope I can hang onto besides doing this to protect myself and my marriage.? In my heart I feel like I'm doing this for my son too so he can grow and maybe get the help he says he wants but avoids.
Thank you for being there.
I went through this same scenario with my BPD daughter a few years ago. She was furious at me, but I told her plainly that I was out of money and had no way to help anymore.
That doesn't mean my bank account was at zero so maybe some of you would say I lied. But the simple truth was that I was taking on extra side-jobs to cover my kid's reckless spending habits...and I was still tight paying my own bills at times. I had wiped out savings and it just wasn't going to stop regardless, so I was actually 100% truthful. I really couldn't afford it anymore and I couldn't afford it years earlier either.
When I told my daughter, she started screaming at me over the phone. I didn't love her, I was always so selfish, etc. Then she hung up on me as I told her that I was cancelling her cell phone bill and car insurance.
Yet a funny thing happened. Within the hour, she was with a new cell carrier and had insurance on her own. She didn't tell me that, of course, but she told every other family member how terrible I was and to make sure I knew that she didn't need my money any longer.
And I thought, huh, she thinks she's teaching me a lesson. Okay,whatever...at least she finally got it.
My point is, if I didn't cut her off that day, I'd probably still be paying her bills. But at the same time, if I had cut her off years eaelier, I'd still have some savings and her bills probably would have been paid just the same. It was actually my own fault for thinking that she couldn't survive without my money.
Maybe your son does lose his apartment. But if he can't afford it, then it's better off for him to lose it. Let him learn that lesson and figure out basic finance. That may sound cold, but it's honestly a kindness. My kid now has an apartment and pays all of her own bills, including a new car payment. The long-term payoff of them growing up far outweighs some temporary anger that you receive frequently anyway.