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Hello everyone,
I would like to tell you about my 3.5-year relationship with my partner, who was diagnosed with BPD/NPD about 2 years ago and quarterly drinking as a comorbidity, and ask you what you think. He: m53, me: w45
We met three and a half years ago when he lived only 10 minutes away from where I lived. A few weeks after we met, he lost his job and, in a rash decision, moved 50 kilometres away.
From then on, we had a long-distance relationship for two years. I travelled by train to visit him on weekends and at least once a week during the week. For almost the entire two years, he refused to come here because he might meet people from his ‘former’ life. This was very difficult for me because I had a 10-year-old son from a previous relationship, whom my partner was also afraid of because my son rejected him at first.
For about three and a half years, I was in a close, emotionally intense relationship with my partner. The relationship was characterised by a strong bond and a high level of personal commitment on my part, but at the same time by recurring dysfunctional patterns on his part, which became more pronounced rather than resolved over time.
I tried for a long time to bring stability into his life through reliability, care, understanding, organisation, and emotional presence. At the same time, I developed increasingly clear boundaries over the course of the relationship after realising that my previous behaviour had strong co-dependent traits and was increasingly damaging to myself. ---
Central relationship and escalation pattern (cyclical):
Over the years, a recurring pattern emerged, often at similar intervals:
1. Phase of relative stability/idealisation. He appears motivated, euphoric, sometimes manic. Extreme level of activity: excessive training, many projects at the same time, language course, driving licence, career fantasies. Highly exaggerated fantasies about the future and himself (carrier, wealth, large house, special significance). I am needed as an important reference person, sometimes idealised.
Breakdown/dysregulation:
Reality, boundaries or frustrations (e.g. my boundaries, external obstacles) cause these fantasies to collapse. When drunk, he often describes feelings of failure, shame and inner emptiness to me retrospectively for such phases. Increasing irritability, withdrawal, fatigue, listlessness.
Externalisation & devaluation: Responsibility is shifted to the outside world, especially to me. Accusations: that I am cold, controlling, not empathetic, not loving, not connected, not loyal enough. My boundaries or my withdrawal (as self-protection) are presented as the actual cause of the crisis.
Escalation / breaking off contact:
Massive emotional attacks, sometimes also physical transgressions. Frequent break-ups (‘it's over’, ‘we have nothing’, ‘we are drifting apart’). This is often followed by silence for days or weeks. In the past, this was usually followed by a return – but recently, there has been increasing hardening of attitudes.
Alcohol as an amplifier Alcohol plays a central, destabilising role:
repeated heavy alcohol consumption in stressful situations. When intoxicated: aggressive accusations, insults (‘pea brain’, ‘slut’), excessive contact, night-time phone calls, revisiting old conflicts, physical assaults on me (bruises), blackouts, unconsciousness, suicidal thoughts, extreme swings between self-aggrandisement and self-deprecation (‘I am an insect’).
Even when sober, there were escalations (vandalising my flat, throwing things, pushing pets away).
Afterwards, he did not take responsibility, but instead relativised or reversed the blame (‘You were evil,’ ‘I wanted to prevent your meltdown’). ---
Responsibility & care – asymmetrical:
He expects comprehensive care from me, especially when he is ill. When I was ill or weakened myself (migraine, gastrointestinal problems), he reacted with disparagement, coldness and withdrawal. My ‘not being immediately available’ was regularly interpreted as a withdrawal of love or proof of a lack of connection. ---
Emotional abuse dynamics:
Subtle and overt forms of emotional abuse were evident:
Gaslighting: Questioning my perception despite chat evidence.
Blame reversal: His boundary violations are redefined as my ‘anger problem.’
Mixed messages: Closeness and devaluation at the same time.
Implicit punishment: Silence, blocking, breaking off contact when boundaries are set. Division: I am either idealised or ‘painted black’ depending on my inner state.
These dynamics led to the following for me:
Severe inner tension, fear of reactions, physical stress symptoms, increasing self-censorship, withdrawal as a form of self-protection.
--- For a better understanding: His family of origin & regression:
Highly ambivalent relationship with his parents, father highly narcissistic, mother co-dependent and still uses my partner for her own emotional regulation, he tries to protect her. Idealisation of his mother coupled with anger and dependence. Repeated role assignment towards me (‘You're like my mum’), only to then suddenly say: ‘You're never as loyal as my mother. Nobody loves me like my mother.’ Expectation of unconditional empathy and loyalty. In family contexts, strong regression, increased risk of alcohol abuse, hardly any ability to set boundaries.
Fantasies & breakdowns:
Excessive fantasies serve as a means of regulating self-esteem. When they do not come to fruition, the result is not ‘normal frustration’ but an existential collapse, in 99.9% of cases followed by alcohol consumption to the point of unconsciousness (sometimes for up to four weeks). The collapse of the fantasy feels like a loss of identity to him. During these phases, the risk of alcohol abuse, devaluation and loss of contact increases massively. ---
My role & development:
In the early years, strongly co-dependent behaviour:
Constant availability (even at night), ongoing emotional regulation, organisation of authorities, doctors, paperwork, financial support, long journeys (50 km, sometimes 2 hours each way). Nevertheless, it was never enough. A single ‘no’ or delayed help was enough to cause an escalation. Later, a conscious development towards clarity, boundaries and self-protection. It was precisely this development that was increasingly perceived as a threat. ---
Current situation (as of 10 days since contact was broken off):
Last contact broken off after escalation around New Year's Eve (alcohol, boundary violation). Silence since then. At the same time, activity on his part on Facebook – also a pattern in such situations:
Selfies, a staged ‘perfect world’, portraying herself as single, previous transgressions with other women online. Facebook acts as a stage for self-esteem regulation and defence against shame. Her silence towards me seems like dissociation + self-protection, not like a mature decision.
It's such a long story... I hope this overview has given you a rough idea of how the relationship works.
Since this pattern is cyclical, when things are going well, the relationship is ‘over’ from his point of view after three months. Because that's when he inevitably has another breakdown and takes his frustration out on me. Always. Even if the trigger was, for example, an unsuccessful job application. Or contact with his father, etc.
My question now is: does anyone else know that every conflict inevitably leads to the partner with BPD immediately declaring the relationship over? In the 3.5 years, it was ALWAYS ‘over’ after three months at the latest.
In addition, I increasingly have the impression that my distancing and self-protection are causing him to feel more and more ashamed and making it increasingly difficult for him to get close to me again.
A quick note: he has been in therapy on and off for 1.5 years. He does not accept the BPD/NPD diagnosis. He believes he has post-traumatic bitterness disorder. That's not a bad thing in itself, but I don't know if it will really help in the long run.
I would be very grateful for your thoughts on this and thank you in advance for your time and for reading.
P.S. He has been living nearby again for several months now – we are only a 10-minute drive apart.
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