That's really tough, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  But at the same time, you have exactly two options and they're the same options you've had for the past 20 years.  Remain no contact or reach out and try to reconcile.

For end of life care, there's many options and that's a different discussion entirely.  You can have those discussions with your sister directly, without having any involvement with mom.

Again, I'm very sorry you're in this position.  Of course it brings up old feelings.  There's no rulebook on how to process them.

So, it's been about two decades since my first post here, which came very shortly after the realization that my estranged mom had BPD.  Despite some attempts at reconciliation (by me) it never got much better. Since then...

I've had twenty years of a loving, supportive marriage with my beautiful wife.  We've raised an amazing young man who will be starting university next year.  We just had dinner for the first time with his GF of about 8 months.  She's sweet.

I've managed to develop a reasonable relationship with my older son from my first relationship.  He's very angry at me, as I separated from his mom and was absent most of his childhood.  It's difficult but the love is there.

Last time I saw BPDmom, several years ago now, she was starting to lose her marbles a bit.  I got a bit of closure, but by this point there was no relationship left to save.  I felt, and feel, more sorry for her more than anything, but I drew a boundary and stuck to it.

Evidently she's now at my slightly-less estranged sisters house and defecated on the couch.  I dunno what the care options are going to be - it's really my sisters problem.  I'm just - I dunno - I first went NC thirty years ago.  I gave up trying to fix it twenty years ago.  I remember clearly coming to the conclusion back then that she was going to die before anything changed, and that I had to accept that, grieve it, move on.  So now it's here, I guess not all the grieving has been done after all.  I'm OK with that, nothing to be done.  The rain rains.

And that, my friends, is where I am.

First of all, don't beat yourself up over this.  He knew you would be there, right?  Let me say, therefore there's a chance he left the journal there knowing you would find it and read it.  When I was married, BPDxw loved to passive-aggressively leave little "trinkets" out for me to find, then get upset over my reaction, whether I read something, threw something away, didn't read something, etc.

Second of all, who writes that in a journal?  One keeps a journal to create a timeline and memorialize things for one's self.  What he wrote is basically a laundry list of everything he thinks would upset you.

I'm curious what the rest of his entries were like.  Did he just suddenly realize 12 years of marriage were bad and decided he needed to write that in case he forgot?

I completely agree, this is part of the sickness where you either focus on everything good or everything bad.  My ex did the exact same thing to me and at the time, I thought she was a complete monster.  But that's not really true or fair.  She thought those things in the moment when trying to feel good about herself...and that's what your husband is doing as well.  Instead of facing reality, he's creating his own version of events about you in order to keep any responsibility from falling on him. 

In other words, that's what children do.  Your husband thinks like a child.

As far as you reading the diary, at least you know for certain that the relationship is over.  While he hasn't been against you for 12 years like he said, it shows his current mindset and it would take years for that to reverse.  Again, I was in the exact same position and I was in shock when my ex suddenly flipped from white to black overnight.  How could it be true?  How could she think that way?  It's mental illness though and we're not supposed to truly understand it.

Just remember that his opinion of you is not what defines you.  He's sick and being childish.  And truthfully, he probably wanted you to find the diary because he's sick and childish.  Do not focus on this stuff because they're lies within his own mind.  When I went through it, the thoughts tore me up inside for months before I accepted the reality of what was really happening.

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're having to handle so much change in a short time.  The rupture of a long-term relationship/marriage, moving homes/housing instability and unemployment are really stressful.  Any one of those events is a top-ten life stressor.  Dealing with them all at once is really, really tough.

I'm glad you're taking a little time to get your head straight.  Clearly you're overwhelmed by all this.  I think it would be a good idea to try to regain some sense of calm before plotting your next move.  Baby steps.  You don't have to figure out your entire life right now, just focus on the next few days or weeks.  One thing at a time.

As for what your ex wrote, that sounds an awful lot like BPD.  PwBPD tend to see things in terms of all black or all white.  In his mind, you probably went from the best person in the world to the most horrible person in the universe.  He's wanting to jump into a new relationship again, probably to find that favorite person again.  That he's not reflecting, not comfortable being with himself, not taking some time to recover from a ruptured relationship, but instead rushing towards the next shiny thing--it sounds impulsive, black-and-white to me.  It's as if he has to find someone else to make him happy, instead of finding happiness within himself.  It's like he has to make you a villian in order to make himself feel better.  In other words, BPD.  Though it's really tough, try not to take it too personally.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about violating you're former partner's privacy.  He's not your partner anymore, and he doesn't have to know about it.

Hi all,

As always, thanks for all the support I am receiving from the members of this board. I have a few updates since my last post.

I have contacted a different therapist, one specialised in cognitive-behavioural therapy. There is a waiting list, but I am eager to start.

I have accepted my friend's offer to stay longer at her place (at least until I find some stability). It is hard, as I feel extremely depleted and unable to focus on finding a better job. Two days ago, I packed and moved all my stuff away from the apartment my BPD/NPD husband and I used to share.

Something happened. Although I am a bit reluctant to share, I think it is better to just be open about it. I am not proud of this. While packing my stuff, I came across a journal he had started to write since my departure. I know it's not ethical, and I hope to explore this further once I start therapy...but I read it. What I found was way beyond what I could imagine. He referred to me as 'the burden he had to carry for 12 years'. He wrote that he didn't even know why he married me and stayed in the relationship for so long, as there is nothing good about me and I am an abuser. He wrote that he is looking forward to having sex with other people, falling in love again, moving to this new place, and finally being allowed to follow his dreams and ideals.

I was in shock and could do little more than cry and hyperventilate the whole day (luckily, I had taken a day off to focus on moving). How could he truly feel this way? Have I loved someone who has never loved me, who has never even been sure about why he asked me to marry him? Has all been a very long lie? I have my flaws, but god...'nothing good about me', for real?

I have spent the last weeks talking about this divorce, expressing my grief, my pain, the fact that I didn't want the divorce and that, even though his behaviour had taken a huge toll on my life, I still care, and I am even worried for him. I am heartbroken, but I thought I could at least cling to the idea that the love we shared was real, independently of the end of the marriage. Knowing that all this time all he could feel was happiness and relief to have me out of his life just...hurts like hell. I feel like I have lived in a different reality, and I cannot trust my own perceptions and feelings.

I know I have to make an effort, glue together what remains of my life, ask for help and go on, but it is such a devastating thing to know.   

Thank you! I appreciate your perspective on this and I think you might be right. It’s hard to put yourself into the other persons shoes sometimes. I’ll keep any conversation light and short moving foreward and leave it up to her.

These are all really good points, and I think should almost be stickied, or printed out and handed to everyone getting out of a relationship with a BPDer if they're still questioning what they could have done to make things better, and whether they should reach out again.

I like the part I bolded above the most though, because that really hammers home that the dysfunction has nothing to do with the non-disordered partner, and would be occurring with someone else if they were not there.  All you can really do is not engage at all and move on. 

It made me think of the quote from the computer at the end of the movie War Games sometimes...

Hello and welcome back!  So many here can relate and have been down that same path.

All I can say is that two months is not long in the grand scheme of things.  You will feel very different a month from now, a year from now.  And it sounds like your ex is being honest- he knows he's not stable and not good for you.  Listen to him.

You posted in the bettering forum, so let's talk about the best way to "better" this relationship.  Truthfully, you're already doing it, you're getting through day by day and figuring out how to stand on your own two feet as an independent woman.  That's incredibly hard, I was still heartbroken at two months and would have done anything to save the relationship.  I did all the stuff, I changed my life for the better, but it wasn't enough.

Here's the thing though- going through that process, it wasn't about "winning her back", even though I thought it was at the time.  Instead, it was about finding myself once again and breaking that co-dependent bond that had me rushing back into a toxic relationship.  I healed and found my path forward...that's the big win in all of this.  The relationship was secondary.

For this to work, both of you have to make real changes.  You only control half of that equation though, you control you.  What he does is completely up to him and again, at least he's being honest with you and himself.  He can't break the familiar patterns  right now.

Take this time to work on you, to get in a better headspace and reclaim your life.  It's awesome you're a new homeowner- congrats!  That's a great place to sink your energy into with home improvements, landscaping, etc.  Make that home your own and give it all of your energy for now.  Then start hosting and enjoying it...that will get you through this.

This might be a time and place in your life to pause and assess which direction your life ought to take.  Yes, you have a deep desire to try yet again but then you also know there is a pattern building here.  Will there be yet more devastating breakups in the future if you two mend fences again?

If your BF is not seriously dealing with his mental health and is allowing that to harm the bond between you, then that realization may help you decide.  You can't make him take his therapy more seriously.  Is this a time to listen to your brain for now and give yourself time for your heart to catch up?