One of the biggest lessons I learned was that I don’t want to carry a relationship by myself anymore.
My concern is . . . I tend to be the one moving things forward emotionally.
I don’t want to repeat our old dynamic where I become responsible for carrying the relationship. At the same time, I also don’t want to misinterpret someone who is simply rebuilding trust slowly after everything we’ve been through.
Hi there,
I highlighted the important lessons you've learned through experience and reflection. My observation is that it takes two to tango. You yourself state you don't want to be the one to carry the relationship. You've worked on yourself, you've figured out what you want, you're ready to move in a positive direction. But is she? I'd say, unless she's done at least as much work as you--with therapy, reflection, making positive changes, bolstering her identity as a healthy adult--there's little chance for improvement. The thing is, with BPD, it takes a whole lot of consistent effort to change deep-seated negative thinking patterns, to learn how to deal with intense emotions, and to start taking responsibility for life instead of blaming everyone else. If she hasn't done some work and isn't committed to fundamental change, then my humble opinion is that nothing will change between the two of you, at least not on a lasting basis.
You can't do the work that your ex needs to do for herself, no matter how much you want to. Only she can do that. The upshot is that BPD is treatable; the rub is that your pwBPD has to do the work herself and actually want to make some positive changes in her life. Typically she'll only want to do that when she has no other choice, i.e. when she hits bottom. In my opinion, for as long as she has others to take care of her, she won't hit bottom.
Look, I know it can be heart-wrenching. But I'd advise, put your heart aside for a moment and focus on your head. What does reality look like? Are you trying harder to fix her life than she is? That's not sustainable, nor fair, really, not in a healthy relationship between adults, which is supposed to be a loving partnership.