I am just so heartbroken, my daughter has told me I have never been the mom she needed and she has never felt loved in her life. I am trying so hard to be there for her but everything I do is never good enough or the right thing.I feel like I am the reason she is the way she is, maybe I wasn't a good mom. I know I did the best I could but once her father had an affair and left 14 years ago when she was 10 she has blamed me for everything it feels. My children were my everything and I only ever seen myself as a mom and nothing more. It wasn't until I met my current partner that I have realised I can be more then just a mom.
I just don't know how to respond to her negative messages anymore she even went so low to say that the reason she was triggered as a kid was because I abused her. That hurt so much because I have never abused either of my kids, but just the though of her feeling that way makes me sick to my stomach. For 10 years I have taken her putting me down, blaming me for everything that has ever happened to her and physically hurting me leaving me with bruises. I don't know if this is her BPD talking but it is killing me to know this is what she is feeling. All I have ever wanted to do was protect my kids and I can't take this pain away for her and I am feeling like I am failing her once again.
I tried to give my kids a wonderful childhood, doing Disney trips every year, coaching and managing hockey teams for them and staying home with them until they started school. So it hurts to know how she feels about all of it. I just want to fix everything for her but I don't know what to do anymore....

That sounds super difficult!

I think it's likely that he will continue acting out for a while through the breakup. Leaning on your resources to maintain sanity is good. You will have to keep an eye on whether the situation is physically and mentally safe for you.

If there is any option to move out - even if you need temporary public benefits or something - it's a good idea to be aware of your options.

While you are there, leaning in to the boundaries may help. Maybe as if he is a roommate that you don't know. Do you have your own bedroom?  Try to set up your own space for sleeping, hanging out etc. Maybe line up some media (books / audiobooks, movies etc) or other individual activities to tune into while you are home.  Maybe identify some safe and relatively low demand / rejuvenating places to hang out, like friends' homes, public library, coffee shop, etc so you get some space from the home situation and have a good go to if things get intense.

Do you very best not to get pulled into arguments, physical contact, etc.  It's likely that he will try to bait you in. Practice ways to gracefully exit the conversation and avoid venting, lending him support, etc.

I'm sure it will get better from here but I know it's hard while you are feeling not the strongest.

I'll start with the short version.
Hello, I'm hanging in there.

I've only recently learned that a BPD support group even existed. I'll give a little bit about myself and where I'm coming from, what lead me here, and I guess what I'm hoping to get out of this.

I was recently recommended The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder after hitting a snag with my wife and remembering that she had told me eary in our dating that she was diagnosed with BPD when she was younger. We've been together 11 years, married 8. She told me at the time that I should call her out on it if she snapped at me. I never really thought much of it at the time or did any research on it until just recently.
I have history with depression and have developed issues with anxiety. My depression stems from the loss of my mother. She was diagnosed with cancer when I was 17 and passed away in 2004 on the morning of my 21st birthday. My father passed away in 2019 after spending a week in a coma due to an accident. Now that I've been doing some reading/research I'd say there was a high probability that he had BPD himself. After my mother passed, I kinda shut down emotionally. I was still in my childhood home with my Father and younger sister, at least until she started college and he rented a cabin for himself as an escape and started blowing through all the money he had. He bought cars, musical instruments, art... it was all "an investment" and nothing we said could stop him. He was also an alcoholic. It got to the point where he burned through his money, bills weren't being paid, things would get turned off, etc. Most of our interactions far a while were him needing money from me. I'd write him literal blank check to keep my sister in school or I'd have to make the calls to have utilities turned back on when he wasn't paying bills. This went on until I was 29 and I made the decision that I had to get out while I could. I didn't date at all, I was embarrassed by how I lived my life and wouldn't subject anyone to my dad while I lived there. I managed to find a foreclosure I could swing, having a roommate lined up already helped, and made a break for it. It wasn't an easy time between me and my dad. My sister moved out as well a year or so later and, for the first time in his life, my dad had to take care of himself. Our relationship improved after that.
By the age of 31, I was finally at a point in my life where I was ready to start dating (pretty late to just start). When I met my wife we lived over 200 miles apart. We seemed to instantly click. We talked/texted constantly, took turns making the drive to spend weekends together. I didn't think much at the time of how much of my time she demanded, how she'd get upset if I didn't respond quickly enough. We'd talk until we fell asleep at night, or rather, I'd talk her to sleep. I'd tell stories of my childhood or whatever popped into my mind and occasionally throw in an "I love you", if I didn't get a response I knew I could finally let myself fall asleep, sometimes in tears. I was getting under 5 hours of sleep in those days. I figured all of this was normal, I had no context, and growing up with my father without ever even hearing about BPD before, I didn't recognize any signs. She would snap at me at times, perceive things I did as things some of her exes did, but in my head this was all how a relationship was supposed to be. I did nearly break things off with her twice before we got engaged, once while we were long distance, and once while we were living together. I always felt like I was hurting her and not giving her what she needed. We talked everything out and obviously stayed together. She still occasionally asks my if she made me stay. I started seeing a councilor for the first time in our long distance phase. I was sleep deprived (though I don't think I admitted that to myself at the time) and was finally processing everything from my mom's passing after 10 years, or that's what I told myself, it was multiple things and I'm sure at least some if it was a symptom of something I wasn't seeing until recently. I was having suicidal thoughts. I ended up seeing a councilor my myself for a second time a couple years ago after maybe the 3rd time I pushed for us to see someone together as a couple. There had been points in our relationship where even she has suggested this but when push came to shove she ultimately was against seeing someone herself. I took the opportunity to go myself and started to learn how to set boundaries. I've picked back up some of the hobbies I lost and have been trying myself to take more me time. Even then the thoughts of BPD hadn't even entered my mind. My councilor left the practice a couple years back and I've been trying to continue on my own since.
It was only recently that I remembered her mentioning her diagnosis. I was venting after she had snapped at me before work one morning a couple weeks ago and it clicked. She was getting dressed to go for a pre-work run and had to come downstairs to get clothing out of the dryer while I was eating breakfast. She started off with an "Oh, hey" in a flirty way as we tend to do when one of us is in a state of undress. She made a comment about having to take her clothes upstairs and I responded "I'm certainly not mad at the situation." She immediately snapped at me saying that she just wanted to have "one conversation" without me hitting on her. She apologized pretty quickly but i was so thrown that I could feel my anxiety and depression ramping up through the work day. I was near tears at one point. It took until then, in my early 40s, that things clicked into place and what I've perceived as "normal" my whole life has not been.

I guess what I'm looking to do is to protect myself more. Take back more of my life for me. Once a week I currently play D&D with friends via zoom. My wife has admitted that she gets jealous hearing me laughing with them and in the past I've nearly let that ruin it for me but I stuck with it. I also play poker at a friend's once a month and have cut out a little time to play video games again.

This may have been covered here a lot already but I am not finding it easily or not searching well!

A few years ago I got an emergency court order to remove my now ex BPD partner from the home. It was a bumpy road but I've been able to address a lot of the kids' needs that he was irrationally opposed to, and of course don't live with the same daily tension and control and limits and eggshells I was used to.  Divorce is hard  and I'm tired but I believe it was the right thing to do.

Maybe I have to remind myself harder how much better things are. Lately things have felt tough. I had a significant loss in my family of origin in the last year, I'm paying child support so there's a lot of financial pressure on me still as the breadwinner, and I'm juggling various financial deadlines and requirements as part of our separation agreement. I'm really tired and depleted and possibly depressed. I'm functioning but have the feeling that I keep spinning my wheels and can't totally get traction. I live in the US and current political landscape isn't helping.

Persistent feelings that "this is all my fault" return at times, especially when I am feeling depleted. I know that feeling vulnerable is a trigger for me. PTSD emotional flashbacks that had gotten better over time have intensified, with more intense and prolonged bad feelings at times.  It's hard to detangle what is just straight up grief, exhaustion, perimenopause , or something bigger and more persistent.  While it's a relief not to live with my ex day to day, sometimes coparenting touchpoints about scheduling etc become escalated and he repeats accusations, blaming, overreactions, boundary crossing, etc. (Even though things are directionally better, I think this can be triggering at times, or make me feel crazy.)

When I zoom out, I can see that I had to juggle A LOT in the past 3-5 years and it's not crazy that I'm feeling depleted. I struggle with self care and boundaries in general.

I guess I am wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar.  It will help to anchor my perspective in the moments that continue to feel ovewhelming at times. Any strategies you guys have used would be welome.

One thing my T has been saying to me is that acceptance begins with accepting yourself as you are.  What immediately popped into my mind was that old song (theme song from "Scrubs") "I'm no Superman."  I have strengths (like we all do.) I'm by all accounts very sensitive, which cuts multiple ways.  And I'm no superman! And that's just what it is.

In case others relate or just want to remember Scrubs ():

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4zMv-yAxtQ&list=RDU4zMv-yAxtQ&start_radio=1

Hi Ashes,

I see you've been through so much, and you're deeply hurt.  I'm sorry the relationship feels so tragic.

Look, I've had disordered people in my life:  a dBPD, an uNPD, and also people with BPD traits.  My advice to you would be not to send the letter.  While writing it might help you process your feelings and do a post-mortem of the relationship, I think that sending it to a pwBPD would probably backfire, by riling him up.  This is probably the opposite of what you'd hope, correct?  There's a reason you're not communicating well with him right now, and that's because he's not ready.  I think if you reach out, you're breaking a self-imposed cooling off period. 

Moreover, I think a pwBPD would recoil from an emotionally-charged letter like this one.  Here's what the pwBPD traits in my life might think or say:

You expect me to read this?  It's too long.  You go on and on and on about your feelings, when you know full well the issue is that YOU abused ME!  I'm not reading this ****ing email.

I told you not to contact me!  You're such an idiot, you can't even follow my simple orders!  You disrespected me, you ****.

Why are you sending me this, in the middle of the day / late at night?  How dare you!?!:!  You know I'm too busy for this sort of crap.  You're trying to sabotage my workday / sleep.

Oh, so NOW you're apologetic.  Well, it's too late.  You're a psycho.

You think a couple of sentiments will make up for the horrible things you did?  You are SO WRONG, and I'm furious.  This just proves to me that you won't ever take responsibility for what you did.

You're just covering up for cheating on me.  Clearly you're wracked with guilt. You're such a liar, this proves it.

Etc.

You see, it's not so much about the content, but the context.  You'd be placing more importance on your emotions over his, but in pwBPD-world, the emotions that matter are always the pwBPD's.  He'd take everything the wrong way--that you're attacking him, blaming him, better than he is, more important than he is.  He'd twist a tiny aspect of your letter, sometimes the technicalities of the letter itself (how long it is, the time of day you sent it, which account you used to send it, how long you waited before sending it, your pretentious vocabulary, etc.), and he'd take it as insulting in some way.  Why?  Because he's hurting, and anything and everything you do will be seen in a negative light.  So if you don't want to "poke the bear" so to speak, I'd say, keep the letter to yourself.  But it is valuable, because it helps YOU.  I'd only consider sending it if he made some sort of conciliatory move first, to show that he's "ready."

I can't help but think of an episode of Friends, where the central couple had a tumultuous breakup, and the leading lady (Rachel) wrote a heartfelt letter to her ex (Ross) to express her feelings and try to patch things up.  Since the letter was "too long," Ross didn't finish reading it.  But when Rachel asked Ross what he thought about the letter, he was too embarrassed to admit he hadn't finished it, and he decided just to go along with her and agree with her, leading them to reconcile.  But then Ross read the letter in its entirety, and he was infuriated, because he felt that SHE blamed HIM for the breakup.  Not only that, but he started to pick apart the technicalities of the letter--length, grammar, timelines, etc.--further riling Rachel.  I think the message was that they could get back together if they had let the past be the past, and forgive each other, rather than dissecting the breakup and assigning blame/responsibilities.  I guess I'm saying that this sort of thing happens even with non-BPD folks (on TV at least).

Just my two cents.

Just go one step further.  You listen, you avoid arguing, but then you also show compassion and actively try to help them calm down. 

Maybe what they're ranting about is ridiculous.  It's not about their words though, it's about the emotions that are bringing the onslaught of disordered thoughts.  If you fight the words, then you're fighting the disordered thoughts that only bring more disordered thoughts.  It's a lose/lose scenario...anything you say will be wrong because it's not a fair fight.

When you focus on the emotions though, then you're getting to the true source.  I'll say to my BPD daughter or BPD ex, "Hey, I'm here.  Let's talk this out.  What's going on?  How can I help?"

Does that solve anything?  YES, IT SOLVES EVERYTHING!!!  They realize that they have an ally that's on their side, that will work with them through the moment.  And they begin to calm down.

The key is that you don't talk about their words until their emotions are regulated.  You can't solve anything when your feelings are all over the place.  The only goal is to help them relax, calm down, etc.

When someone is dysregulated and you respond directly to their words, things only get worse because the BPD can't understand why you can't understand them.  That hurts their feelings even more and makes them that much worse off.  So you do the opposite and only focus on helping them stabilize their emotions.

Reading your letter, I think it's better if you didn't send this to him (or anyone who is BPD).  There are a lot of heartfelt, deep feelings you're struggling with, and you should tell this to someone who you trust, and who is a good listener (or possibly a therapist) to get it off your chest, and get some perspective on how and why you feel this way. 

You're seeking closure on this episode of your life, and the last thing a pwBPD can provide is closure.  By the very nature of their disorder, they're incapable of taking responsibility for their actions and making amends, or even simply just apologizing.  They're always going to take the position that they were the victim, and when they mistreat their own partners, will always find an excuse for their bad behavior in something their partner did or said, or didn't do. 

It's frustrating, but that's just how it is.

Okay, let's start with the good stuff:

- The letter mostly focuses on you and your feelings.  A BPD can relate to feelings.

- You offer apologies in multiple areas, in different ways.  The, "I'm sorry this happened" type of apology is good, while the "I'm sorry I didn't/couldn't handle things well" is great.  The second version is a little better because of the first point, it ties back to your personal feelings and your vulnerabilities.

- You end talking about how much he means to you.  I would scatter that in througout, but leave it strong at the end.

Some not so good stuff:

- The blaming portions will miss the mark and here's why.  If you're blaming over something, he's going to defend and it pushes you further apart as the conflict grows.  Keep these to a minimum or remove them completely.

- The lines "ex best friend" comes off wrong as well.  Rephrase that stuff to something like, "I miss my best friend who I could share everything with."  It means the same thing essentially, but one is a negative (which brings shame, comflict) while the other focuses on the positive aspect.

- While you've apologized, it would be even more powerful if you tell him that you forgive him as well.  That's where so much of his shame and abandonment come in at.  Let him know that you're not holding it against him anymore and you genuinely hope he heals and grows.

Overall, you wrote this from the heart and that's a great thing.  BPD and C-PTSD have many similar traits, which means you can connect with him on that level where he struggles so much.  So I'd leave much of the letter the same when it's focused on what you feel.  But for the other parts, for the judgement, you really have to think about what you'd want from this letter. 

If it's a "goodbye" then you don't have to change much.  If it's a "let's talk" then you still have a lot of editing.  And if you're unsure if you'll ever send it, then you can decide the balance since you're really speaking to yourself more than anything.

I hope that helps!

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and suggestions!!!

Few more details:

- I don't think my mum has generally taken the "classic" role of the enabler. I think it is more honest to say that my dad originally had that role (unbeknownst to him) and when he became incapacitated he transferred that onto me. I have been slowly understanding all of these dynamics, so I think I stopped being it for the past two years or so, and with my dad's passing my mum has finally been a bit more "free". SO she's now trying to have him move out and has done most of the things mentioned here, making it more difficult for him, forcing him to sleep in the smaller room she chose, not giving him any money for the past 3 years, not letting him touch her car, not giving him lifts by car anymore, etc etc and in the meantime repeatedly asking to leave and make his own life.
I know laws change a lot between countries, in the one I live in things would have been much easier for her but where they are children have a lot of additional rights, in principle you cannot kick your 40 yo child out of home if they don't have a job (as crazy as it sounds), unless you prove that you have taken all reasonable steps to give him notice and that he has not taken all reasonable steps to find a job etc. Overall, it seems it usually takes about one to two years to "evict".
Part of the reason why he was still there was of course that my mum probably had a bit of "guilt", but I think it's been mainly my (and my dad's) fault that we have caused a bit of that guilt by falling into my brother's guilt trips.

To be fair with my mum, I don't think she wants to have me involved. In fact, in the past 2 years she has tried in any way not to get me involved, because she knows what she has had to live with, so she wants to avoid me having to go through the same. For example she rejected her 50% ownership of the house to avoid me having any issue with him when she will eventually pass. I think they left me this house, yes, because they think I can keep it and it is the one they made a lot of sacrifices to build (literally, my dad built most of it!). My brother actually received another house, less nice but technically of higher value, and he is getting rent from it, so that in theory would also give him the chance to have a safety net if going to live on his own.

I think I will ask to talk directly with her lawyer to understand exactly the details and what I can and cannot do without getting tangled again.