Love the pink elephant and the crazy party. Thank you.

My partner has a lot of characteristics of emotional dysfunctionality (or higher functional invisible PBD, what's in a name after all?)
As the code 'red' days are almost omnipresent the last months, I get so tired of her R&B episodes (raging & blaming), that I notice that in order to avoid additional conflict, I started to conceal or even lie about things. I'm concious that my behaviour is wrong, and sometimes when the facts that have been kept hidden, accidently still come out, the situation even amplifies (of course, I'm not thrustworthy anymore). 
In 'Stop walking eggshels', the advice is given to wait for a 'good' moment to discuss a difficult issue. But sometimes, you don't get the opportunity to wait for that moment, anbd then the situation excalates even more.
So, I just want to know if I am the only one behaving like this: concealing or even lying, and hoping that a difficult moment will pass by quitly?

Something that helped me to not react to something said is to substitute something absurd for that. If someone called you a pink elephant, you probably wouldn't react or defend yourself as you know it's not true and calling you that won't make it true. If something is equally not true, then there's no need to respond to it.

This isn't the same as violating a boundary. If that happens, and we feel anger- it's a sign to us that someone has crossed a boundary. There's nothing wrong with feeling anger- it's an emotion like any other one- but we still can decide how to respond to that. Our feelings aren't wrong- we can feel what we feel but also decide on our own behavior.

A consequence of the nice/not nice cycle is a loss of trust. It's also a consequence of someone lying to us. I've felt manipulated at times when BPD mother was "acting nice" to me, and feel set up if I fall for it. As a result, during the "nice" times, I still felt I needed to be careful about what I can or can not trust. I can still decide how to behave towards her, but I pay attention to my feelings.

Another way to resist reacting emotionally to something said is to see it as resisting participating in the drama. There's a term "invitation to the crazy party". You might be invited, but you don't have to attend.

We are still human and if we are feeling stressed ourselves, it's a sign to us that we need some time out for self care. The acronym- HALT- hungry, angry, tired, lonely helps remind us that anyone can lose their cool under these circumstances. If we are feeling these feelings- we can excuse ourselves from the conversation and take some time to ourselves.

That's from 12 steps but it works for any situation where someone is saying aggravating things. The family dynamics in addictions and BPD are similar. The combination of someone who struggles with addiction and a pwBPD are potentially volatile, as both can have poor emotional regulation skills. Sending the half-brother to his room was the best intervention- giving each of them an adult time out to settle down.

Generally, I would feel inclined to be helpful but in this situation, I'd also let her be. Her garage, and what is in it,  is not your responsibility.

I think it's difficult to resist stepping in to help as that is what feels "normal" to us and I also think we want to be good people. The other side of this is that we need to decide what is truly helpful and what we'd feel resentment over doing. I know if you saw your neighbor was ill, or needed help in a serious situation, you'd call for help- as a fellow human, regardless of your feelings about her. This isn't that situation. You are protecting your peace of mind here.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so happy you found us and decided to post.

As a Christian man I've said many things that I deeply regret.  That's why God sent his son, because we couldn't get it right all the time.  So give yourself some grace and move forward.

While I always hated when I "snapped" and said things like that too, it wasn't always doom and gloom afterwards.  Sometimes, things would change for a little while- maybe weeks or even months.  And in those moments, things would actually be better.  The negativity would basically stop and the conflicts would end.  My ex would be more productive around the house and dialed into our actual lives.

In time, things would revert back to how they were.  Keeping up with her things would stop, she'd stop getting groceries and doing things with the kids as much, and she'd spend a lot more time away from home.  When she was down, we were no longer the priority and we were no longer her allies.  So her attention went anywhere but the home.

Looking back, maybe it was my fault for letting that cycle continue.  I didn't know about BPD so it's not like I could have prepared better.  I see now though that the patterns would change as my wife's mood changed, as she started sinking into depression and hiding it from the world.  I had no idea this was happening but if I did, maybe we could have had a different result and those good weeks or months could have turned into good years.  I really don't know.

What can you do?  Get back up on that horse and start riding again.  I didn't like my ex wife at times either, but I did always love her (including today).  We also had a BPD daughter and I really, really didn't like her at times.  I've always loved her as well though and that will never change.

You messed up because you're human.  Make the most of it and grow from this experience.  It could actually be helpful, you never know, so don't look at this as a negative for saying what you actually felt.  The secret is out and there's no taking it back.  That's okay.  Grow from it.

You have to look out for your own peace of mind and prevent your own suffering, zachira. I know it's hard to not help. Helping is usually the right thing to do unless it would do you harm. Obviously it would.

 I've been in a similar position with my disordered, toxic neighbor and decided to do nothing.  It gets easier with time and doesn't interfere with your ability to help others in safe circumstances.

Your neighbor's items are just material things and easily replaceable.  We are more important. I'm glad you're staying silent.

Pook's cooperation with his ex is not the typical story here.  But, as he wrote, finding common ground is always the best answer... if it's possible.  You won't know if it's possible until you try.

In my case, my seeking to have a child after a decade of marriage - in an effort the make my ex less troubled - backfired.  Looking back, having a child triggered her childhood FOO issues and made it worse.  As a husband life was slowly getting worse, but as a father I was compared to her family abuser.

I was always the considerate one but it seemed to just egg on more allegations.  We were in and out of court for 8 years until the court order (its version of a Boundary) was fully reversed.  She started with (the default for mothers) temp custody and temp majority time.  It ended with me having full custody and majority parenting time (during the school year).

My main regret about our time in court is how slowly the court addressed the obvious conflict and disparagement.  Eight years?  I've come to realize court prefer waiting on the parents to reach a consensus rather than the court stepping and making the Decisions.  Though I know many here had even tougher trials and tribulations.

I have learned a lot of great skills on this site and with BPD resources, and have become so much more patient it with my uBPDw recently…just trying to brush off her BPD stuff and not fall into traps. It has largely worked in keeping conflict to a low simmer when it happens.  However this weekend she has been mad at me for whatever reason…tension thick. She said so many mean things me the last few days. I just brushed it off and quietly stewed.  Tonight she just flipped at me and started to really jab at me and my dreams and aspirations.  Basically saying my dreams are stupid, I’ll never accomplish them, etc….   She rarely every reciprocates anything of the love, charity, gifts, service, support , etc I show her. I’m always supporting and loving her and saying her dreams are great and we can do it, writing notes, making her laugh, physical affections, etc yall know the drill. I get nothing in return.

It feels like I’m the care taker or a 12 year old foster child who doesn’t even like me, just needs me and takes from me.  Honesty, he’s so depressing. A man has his limits. 

So tonight she just said something in such a sinister voice and I raised my voice and “shut up, I don’t like you. She starts crying)…don’t you start crying…You make me miserable. I pour my life into serving and loving you and never get anything in return…just constantly treated like garage and my dreams mockedd….constant kick in the balls. I feel like the caretaker of a 12 year old girl when you are upset, which is about half the time. If you calculate how much time we have spent in this state (triggered, arguing, splitting) …it’s half hour marriage . Think about how much time we waste of our lives.  You have a problem and you won’t admit it. This is not norma.

I didn’t say I don’t love her. Because I do, I swore before the Lord I’d love her. I love her dearly . But I don’t know if I really like her right now.  I really try not to say things that are not true.  Of course while I do feel sense of relief to be able to say all of that…as a Christian man I wish I hadn’t.  I also know it doesn’t help a BPD person. Just makes it worse.  But I feel like I’m going to crack. I’m at the edge. I’m not allowed to feel stressed or upset or tired in this marriage…only her. She had proven that. 

I have personally been through this as well, and I watched my brother-in-law do it completely wrong with his divorce years earlier.  In his situation, the kids were used against him in every possible way to harm him.  The disordered parent would change custody arrangements without warning, they would bad mouth dad to the kids, they'd send the kids with rags as clothing and scream if they didn't come back with nice outfits- the list of psychological warfare was endless.

Each time, my brother went back to court, all kinds of terrible things were said about him, and somehow there was so much back and forth, the judge would discredit most of it.  My brother had documentation, mind you, while his ex didn't since she was making it all up.  And each of these trips to court would cost thousands of dollars.  Eventually, my brother-in-law stopped fighting to see his kids and missed out on their teenage years when his ex finally convinced the kids how toxic and terrible he was.

So when I went to divorce my BPD ex several years ago, I decided that there was no way I was going to do that.  I was respectful for my ex and told her every time we talked, that we couldn't be like her brother and we always had to put the kids needs above our differences.  Even if we divorce, even if we re-marry, we absolutely have to continue being mom and dad as one cohesive unit.  And eventually, over time, my ex completely agreed...we had to find peace between us so we could still be parents.

Mind you, I wasn't creating the chaos- she left me for another man.  She lied to everyone about me and caused countless chaos.  But because of the kids, I was determined to let all of that go and make the kids our priority.  It was definitely hard and it took endless amounts of patience for awhile, but I'm so thankful for it.  My ex and I can talk about anything today and we look out for each other while looking out for the kids.

It might sound dumb- you're getting a divorce to get away from all that stuff.  I get it.  But as parents, she will be in your life regardless and you can be like my brother-in-law (which is what most of the world does) spending $5-15k a year in lawyers for court hearings or you can take a different path. 

I would advise that different path, finding common ground is always the best answer if it's possible.  And today, it may not be possible- that's okay.  There will be a time when that is possible though and I hope you'll at least consider it.

I spent around $250 on divorce by filing it myself, zero in court fees, zero in custody arrangements, zero in alimony.  We split our assets 50/50 and because she trusted me completely by then, I handled everything on our behalf.  The judge warned her in court, she should really, really have legal counsel before waiving her rights, but we were okay by that point because I made it my life's mission to make us okay for the kid's sake. 

So that one small shift in thinking changed everything- she can't be the enemy and the mother of my kids if I want the next few decades to be peaceful.  I had to choose just like you have to choose.  And I 100% made the right choice.

Just noticed my neighbor left her garage door open. There is a bicycle and other things that could get stolen. In the past, I would have called her to let her know. The problem would be that if I did this now, it would start the cycle of abuse again. The neighbor takes my being nice to her as an open invitation to abuse and try to manipulate me. So sad she is the way she is and she is not going to change.