Sorry to hear you're still going through this. You're now realising that without treatment, this is 'the norm' in your relationship. It's a self-repeating cycle of chaos which continues no matter how many chances you give it or how many times you hope that it will end and things will improve.

Speaking for myself, I could endure a lot but when my own XBPD partner seemed about to turn violent it really was the breaking point for me; nobody should have to suffer physical injury or live with the threat of it, illness or no illness.


It helps to realise that this 'good version' was just as much a facade as her 'bad version'. I think we tend to think of the 'good version' as being the real person, as they would be if they had no mental illness but I don't think that's the case.  This 'good version' is just the costume they take on to attract you, mirroring themselves so closely to you that it feels like the best thing ever - but it's still part of their illness and we know they'll do it to the next person after they discard you.

I don't think I ever knew - or even saw - the 'real' pre-BPD person I went out with for 4 years.. if that person ever existed in the first place.

Thank you for your advice! I clearly remember some short-lived discussions, like a very recent one.
We were snowing in the mountains and we walked through a spot where the snow was fresher and deeper, knee-deep, and she (who had never been on snow before) started yelling at me, saying, "Why did you bring me here? I paid a lot of money for these boots, now you're buying them back, you always have these stupid ideas."
I didn't point out how silly the situation was, I waited for her a little further ahead where the snow was normal. She came out on her own and came towards me. I said, "Were you a little scared? Did you think you'd stay trapped?"  ...after a few hundred meters walking almost silent she stopped me, hugged me, and said, "Sorry for raising my voice, I got scared and didn't control myself."
That same evening, before going to bed, I thanked her for noticing her behavior, for apologizing, and I complimented her for having the courage to try a new activity (walking in the snow). This episode lasted for maybe 10 minutes, do you think it was well handled?

There's one thing you told me, though, that I'm not good at and still struggle with: when in an argument she goes overboard, accusing me of things that didn't happen or raising her voice, I want to walk away or put into practice what you suggested, but she accuses me of "putting up a wall, or running away from the discussion," and I think everyone in the public imagination would tell me that's true. Even my therapist says that every discussion should be dealt in the next 24 hours, but sometimes she is still upset for 48 hours if this makes sense.

How can I balance the fact that for a person with BPD traits, conflict management sometimes requires walking away from the discussion? I hope my question is clear

Hello, wanted to check if anyone can recommend virtual or in person IOP or in patient option, preferably in S. California for dual diagnosis treatment (substance use and BPD or DBT centric). Thanks.

Hello, I am new here and this is my first post. I am trying to figure out what to do next.

To start a little about me. I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) and I have plenty of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). I have been in therapy here and there though my life. At age 56 I started some deeper therapy, Trauma/EMDR, and it was wonderful and very helpful. I was able to reframe many old experiences and I no longer felt like the trauma was driving the bus.

But maybe because of my own past I am a little slow figuring things out. Like what is really going on in my marriage. Looking back I see so many red flags that I missed, some before we were married.

The toughest part of the marriage was when my wife was in peri-menopause. She would have what I now call an Anger Flash. She would suddenly get very angry, what I now call raging, and would say hurtful or unkind things, and then would suddenly be back to normal. And when asked about it she would say that she had not been angry. It started occasionally but over time grew to happen probably once a day on average. 2 of the 4 kids were still at home, and I tried to protect them from it. I cannot say that I did that good a job.

Over the course of (about) 4 years it almost ruined me. It destroyed all of the bond I have with her. I have stayed out of duty and commitment and responsibility. But then some magic happened. One day when at the doctor she decided to start on an antidepressant. She changed almost immediately. The rages went away.

The damage stopped but under the surface I was still scared but did not realize it. And there were still controlling behaviors.

She still was not easy to live with. It was still a one-way relationship, with me giving her the things she needed to feel loved, and never giving me what I needed. Those things she gave me had gradually faded over the course of the marriage. I recently realized that I have been enabling, and changing my life to work around keeping her from getting angry. I kept waiting for her to figure it out and come back to me.

Two events happened recently that have changed things. First, she had an anger flash when we were having a difficult conversation (getting our Wills made). I responded in anger. While this may not sound like a great thing, it was different for me, instead of staying quiet in shock and hurt. We got though the conversation, with her saying that she had not been angry. It took me about a day to figure out that it had been an anger flash.

We did have a very emotional talk about it a few days later, with me trying to tell her again about the anger flash thing. She totally twisted that one conversation and said that she DID remember getting angry. She never even addressed the idea of the anger flashes that she had in the past (and has banned me from bringing it up again). Now, at some point I had realized that part of the problem with the anger flashes was that she did not remember them. She did not remember that she was angry or the angry things she had said. So it was not really a surprise that she did not acknowledge that these things had happened many times before.

The second event was that my youngest child moved out. She said that she could not be herself around my wife. And truth be told, every one of the 4 children moved out related to difficulties with my wife. But the point was that it helped me to realize that part of why I am staying married is to mitigate the damage to my youngest child. Having her gone released me.

To add some more data, my wife loves to diagnose others. She insists that her mother (my mother-in-law) and our third child have Borderline Personality Disorder. That is what brought it to my attention. And mentioning this in my Men's circle cause one of the men to suggest the Walking on Eggshells book. So I have been listening to that in my car when driving to work at my part-time job.

I went through the questions, and scored my wife, with a 5.5 on BPD and a 6.5 on NPD. Total score of 12, which means that book would suggest that she has both. And she has the "unconventional" type which means that she may never be able to understand that she has it.

But no diagnosis. And the book says not to talk with her about it. Granted, I have tried to talk with her about her behaviors many times, and there is never any change. And most of the time she does not even remember that we had the discussion.

I was also annoyed that a chapter of the book described ways to set up better boundaries and improve communication. That would have helped a LOT years ago. But I did not want to hear it, as I was too busy thinking about getting out and finding a way to be happy. Now I am confused.

My wife has had her own share of trauma. She also had an alcoholic father. She had a mother that was quite difficult to deal with during her teen years (maybe BPD, maybe NPD, maybe also peri-menopause amplified) and she has had secondary trauma from some of the work she did. And there may be some other well-hidden abuse in her past. One of the things she told me years ago was that her emotions where very strong, and that she does not like to hear my feelings because that puts her into overload. I think she is a very strong emotional person. Much of her life is structured around keeping the lid on her feelings.

So on to where I am now. I want to be happy. I do not think that I will ever be happy with my wife. But I also do not want to break the marriage vow (better or worse, till death do us part...). My wife seems to have BPD, but medications to not help that, but when she started taking the anti-depressants it DID help. So does she have it or not? Also, I have been laid off 3 times in the past 4 years (massive layoffs in the tech sector). So we are in debt and and are barely paying the bills, let alone paying off the debts. And there is no retirement account any more. We spent all that during times of unemployment. So I cannot afford to just get an apartment and leave. We could sell the house and pay off the debts, but I do not know where she would go. I would prefer to leave her the house. But it is a big old house that she could never care of herself, so it would need to be sold anyway. Part of me wants to see if I can use better communication and boundaries to improve things. I want to see if she will get help. But I have no confidence that will work. I am scared to tell her that I want to leave. And I am SO SO tired of trying and dealing with this behavior for over 25 years. I am tired of giving and not receiving. So yeah, confused.

I am seeing a therapist (every week) and I also have my men's circle to support me. But open to thoughts or suggestions.

Thank you for reading and I hope it all makes sense.

It  may help to keep in mind the reason for going NC- for a person's own emotional recovery, not to act on the other person. However, it is one choice and in some situations, like yours, when there are children involved, it's not a choice. If someone chooses NC, they can block the person, delete emails, but you can not do this.

Another option is LC- not only in contact frequency but in emotional content of the contact. You can't control how your wife interacts but you can decrease your emotional input and reactions. Another term is "grey rock"- go neutral.

Feeling emotionally triggered isn't comfortable but looking at it another way- if you feel triggered, the trigger spot is actually yours, and if it's yours, you can do something about it. When you feel emotional, it's a signal to use your self regulating tools- do some self care, take a walk. It's OK to feel the feelings. Chances are, you've been putting your own aside for a while now. Use this time to reconnect with yourself.

If you find the emails have too much of an emotional affect- CC43's suggestion- get someone trusted to screen and edit the fact parts out, or use AI if that is possible.

While it seems logical to repeat the rules of contact with your ex, also consider if this is going to work if your ex can even control how she relates to you. It may be that the only part of this contact that you can control is yours.

thanks so much for the wise words. If I'm honest, I wouldn't mind her moving on at all - I want her thinking about something else

Glad to hear that you're feeling more balanced and clear-headed already.  It sounds like you're coming out of the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt . . . and can see things more clearly.  Try not to beat yourself up if you still have strong feelings . . . that is to be expected.  I'd say, you focus on youself and the kids right now.  Chances are you'll all feel calmer, more stable and more like your usual selves, and maybe even happy before you know it.

Meanwhile, your ex might pretend to be hunky-dory without you while passively-aggressively blaming and projecting her problems onto you.  I'd say, though you might recognize her disordered thinking for what it is, try not to spend too much mental bandwidth on her, lest you get sucked back in.  I think you should focus on YOU right now.  She can focus on her life.  Please don't be surprised if she finds someone else fast--that seems to happen often on these boards.  Let her worry about that, and you focus on you.

Its actually so weird - like SO weird to look back now that I've had 10 days without her. It literally feels like I was living in a different world. That's not to say that I'm not having immense guilt, pain etc still - very very trauma bonded. But I can 'see' now. Does that make sense to anyone? Like the past 4 years - I don't even remember really what it was like fully - like, when I say I can "see" now - I can see how sick she made me. I was so damn hypervigilant and just putting out fires left and right.

She emailed me today about how excited she is for her next chapter and she wishes that I heal and stop being an abuser and heal my trauma (omg). I didn't respond and I won't. Its amazing - she had split me negative like they all do eventually, and was miserable, but refused to leave. Textbook...and now she's free and the cycle starts again...I'm in awe of this disorder - it has to be the worst thing I've ever seen clinically

AlleyOop23,

I know that many of us on this site relate to the mixture of thoughts and feelings you describe.  And I think that we are often inclined to see that mixture as indicating a deficit in ourselves.  Somebody said something to me about this recently that I found really helpful.  She said that the impact of a rip tide isn't a sign of how weak the swimmer is but how strong the pull is. Your situation is challenging.  You are on your journey in learning how you want to and can deal with it -- which may not be linear but is a journey of progress.

Hi there,

This sounds exactly like the situation of a pwNPD (undiagnosed) in my life.  He's supposed to communicate with his ex about visitation and various affairs affecting the kids, but he uses any contact as an excuse to vent his ongoing dissatisfaction with the former relationship.  His missives dredge up ancient grievances, and he continues to insult his ex.  Sure, he's supposed to use a co-parenting app to coordinate logistics, but he has a million excuses not to use it.  He prefers texting and emails.  Meanwhile, he makes each and every interaction tense, with non-cooperation, threats and endless accusations.  It's emotionally draining.

I think the reality is, you can't control your disordered ex.  Though there might be a divorce decree and a parenting plan in place, your ex doesn't necessarily comply with it, and the courts can't do much, either, short of a restraining order.  Your ex carries all this emotional baggage, which is unleashed during your ongoing interactions.  And the reality is that the interactions are ongoing because of the kids.  You recognize that her missives/complaints/accusations are triggering to YOU.  Of course they are, the messages are highly personal, and I think they are DESIGNED to be triggering to you.  Maybe they make you feel defensive, angry, guilty, fearful or plain exhausted.  My guess is you feel dread every time you see a message from your ex.

Maybe if you sit with the issue, you might be able to accept it.  Try not to take the messages personally, hard though it may be.  Maybe you could ask a trusted third party (or AI?) to read the messages for you and reply regarding the logistics only.