Pete, I feel I have to interject here, because you've touched on one of my all-time most despised pet peeves:  being accused of something I haven't even done (yet).  The pwBPD traits in my life went through a phase of accusing me of futuristic events:  You're going to ruin this, you're going to anger me, you're just going to b* anyway so I'm not doing the favor you asked me, etc.  It occurred so often that I found myself repeating:  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  I'm not discussing something that hasn't happened.  (Exit stage left).  It's like they assume the worst for every scenario imaginable and enjoy getting riled up over fantasy.  You're absolutely right, it's part of the victim narrative that they are creating.  There's some delusional thinking too. 

No need to apologise. Yes, I probably need to keep it to practical arrangements only. It's like how I'd imagine coming off an addictive substance would be - one day at a time! I have refrained from contacting him today.

I appreciate all your support!

Sorry, that was poor wording on my part - in the case of still being married or with children and joint commitments of course you can't just break off completely. I meant 'no contact' in the sense of not wanting to keep the relationship going while sorting out joint responsibilities.

I think I was fortunate in my case that we didn't live together, had no children or any financial dependancy upon each other, so it was possible to make a clinical and clean break.

Marriage counselors often have a no secrets policy which includes being upfront about what the goals of both spouses are. Many times, one spouse's goal is to end the marriage in the best way possible, and it undermines the therapy if this spouse does not make this clear from the beginning in the presence of the other spouse and counselor. Marriage counselors can be very helpful if the agendas of both spouses are clear from the very beginning. The no secrets policy involves the counselor being clear that whatever one spouse shares in private with the marriage counselor will be shared with the other spouse if it will undermine the counseling and would be interpreted as an unfair alliance of the counselor with one spouse.

I must admit I lost count of how many relationships this woman had this past year and how often she jumped into and out of your life.  Her life is in a constant turmoil, even when we exclude her cutting herself, alcoholism, late night distresses, etc.  That she says she's aware of it is to some extent a good sign, however that in no way proves whether she is actually recovering.  The fact remains that recovery is a process - potentially a long process - and is not an event.

At this point you need to Accept that you really and truly can't help her.  Maybe she might recover eventually, maybe not.  She is messed up but still an adult and has her own life to live.  To your credit, you at least tried.  Now this advice applies that we hear every time we fly on an airplane... "In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others."

I would suggest you consult or interview attorneys first, of course privately and confidentially as with your other preparations.  Then you can ponder the legal advice, cautions and strategies.  They will know the local laws, processes, courts and likely outcomes far better than you.  You may get a sense with one that you would be more comfortable and served better.  You don't have to hire (retain) the first one you meet.

Speaking of separation is perfectly fine and appropriate.  The last thing you want is a huge incident.  Stair stepping into it is wise.


It is commonly said that the highest risks of DV, claimed DV or an incident/conflict are during or soon after separation.  You can control your actions, reactions and overreactions but the ex likely can't or won't.  It is wise to have someone nearby and available for support (or rescue) since pwBPD might restrain themselves, somewhat, if they realize they're not in a private scenario.

In some rare cases members decided it was so dicey they let the court's process server deliver the notice of divorce proceedings.  As noted by PeteWitsend, no matter how nicely you intend to approach it, it likely won't go well.  So Goal #1 is to protect yourself both in the moment and later with the legal processes.

Be ready to exit promptly, especially if the situation unravels or police are threatened.  There is little benefit to stay in the moment and JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  Later on you can arrange times and places to discuss details and development when the other might be calmer.  (Before, during and even after my separation & divorce I recorded our "interactions" - quietly and on the down-low - just in case so I would document that I wasn't the one behaving badly or aggressively.  My ex knew how to pose as a "victim".)

Please don't have such discussions while either one of you is driving a vehicle.  The roads demand full attention.


There is a possibility that suggesting a therapist might in itself trigger her.  Many pwBPD are in Denial and either refuse or soon quit therapy efforts.

Also, one common goal of marriage counselors is to repair the marriage.  It appears you've concluded that the marriage can't be repaired sufficiently for you to stay.  However, being willing to involve therapists or counselors is a good start at the beginning.  Who knows?  As unrealistic as it seems, she might benefit from the therapy approach even when the marriage will end.

Don't agonize too much over doing the "right" thing when ending it, or over ending it the "right" way.  Do what you have to do to protect yourself and give yourself the best path forward.

If your soon-to-be-ex is BPD, they will not respect you any more if you try to let them down easy, or behave more honorably, or whatever.  Take it from me, they will bad mouth you & lie about you the same way if you disappear in the middle of the night, or end it via a face-to-face discussion.

You can never know exactly what's going on in someone else's head, and you need to make peace with the fact that it doesn't matter.

This sort of thing can remain a sore spot in you for a long time; but you need to almost create a mental compartment of it to protect yourself and your ego from the wound.  Like "This happened to me, and it wasn't fair, and I allowed myself to be mistreated for a long time, but that's not who I am, and that's not how I have to live.  I have learned from it and moved on."

I've been divorced for ~8 years and if I sit and think back on certain events, I can still get upset... both at her, and at myself for not ending it on the spot when I'd see this stuff start.  But I remind myself it's in the past: there's no sense agonizing over these things, and if I am doing that, perhaps I need professional help. 


This is all good.  And I gather you're still in your 20's?  Meaning you still have most of your whole life in front of you, and you've hopefully gained some wisdom from this experience, or will gain that wisdom with the help of therapy. 

Some people spend literally decades in bad relationships like this, and feel they've wasted their whole lives at that point.  People in situations like that would envy what you have, because time is not something you can get more of. 

Agree.  It's so common that over time, I learned to more or less just assume that these accusations that would seem to come out of left field were just projection from her. 

earlier in our relationship, she'd angrily something like "You're planning on doing XYZ!"  And I'd wonder to myself, incredulous "How could she think that?  Where did that come from?  I must find a way to reassure her I'm not doing that."

Eventually though, I realized to not take the things she was saying at face value, since she had zero credibility.  So when I'd get an unhinged accusation like "You're planning on doing XYZ!" I would just assume "Oh, she's either thinking of doing that herself, feels guilty, and is projecting that on to me to cope, or she actually did XYZ, feels guilty, and is going on the attack so she can remain the victim in her mind."

At one point after we were divorced, it got really hard when I'd pick my daughter up because she would immediately start telling me that I was a bad dad, I didn't make her healthy food, I didn't want to be her father anymore, and someday she would decide not to see me anymore.  I felt like this was all coming straight from her mom's mouth.  After a day at my house, D would have forgotten all about it, and been perfectly happy.  Indeed some times she would ask me on Sunday evening why she couldn't stay at my home even longer! 

After about a month of managing this, I got an email from BPDxw accusing me of engaging in "parental alienation" along with an explanation of what it was and why it was harmful to kids.  This confirmed in my mind that she was doing exactly what she was accusing me of, and it was more or less a confession on her part. 

"Every accusation is a confession."

One of the more recognizable impacts of a Borderline relationship is known as BPD FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  Ponder that the sense of Obligation on our part increases the longer the relationship.  Some events that would increase the obligated feeling can be: moving in together, getting married and especially having children together.

Everyone is of course on their best behavior - best foot forward - when a relationship starts and gradually relaxes as time goes on.  Once the pwBPD feels the relationship is more secure, he or she will start letting you see the person underneath.

We can't blame ourselves for something we didn't notice but once we do notice then we need to assess what's happening, research and learn what can be done and then make informed decisions as to how best to resolve things, to the extent possible.