She is my sister and I wish I could have a normal relationship with her, but I have to come to the terms that she will always bring me down every couple of months when she feels like it. I have been depressed for the past 2 weeks, I can't sit still, I have to keep my mind busy or I am going to spiral out and think the worst about everything. I have cried on numerous occasions to my fiance and even my kids saw me crying and I hate that. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know how to cope with this.
I'll propose an idea that this emotional reaction you are feeling is due to the situation now, but also something hurtful in the past.
BPD mother would do the silent treatment when we were kids if she was angry at us. This was hurtful and scary at the time. If I experience something similar in the present, I also react very emotionally to that. I feel as if it must be my fault somehow and that I have to somehow fix it.
Something like this happened during the time my father passed away. BPD mother was angry at me, told her family members and some family friends to not speak to me. I have no idea what reason she gave them. What also shocked me was that they seemed to believe her. I did grieve the loss of these relationships. I think you may be feeling some grief about this.
I also think some of this grief was about losing the illusion of what I hoped and thought my family was. If they truly could just cut me off like that, what kind of relationship was this?
For BPD mother though- I think this is a common push pull pattern. Just as she'd push me away, later she'd pull. You feel like it's somehow your fault. It's not. It's a pattern.
You are also seeing a family pattern. Family members take on roles that may be dysfunctional but that keep the family in balance. When one family member changes their behavior- all family members feel a sense of discomfort. They may try to get the family member back in their pattern- but if that person doesn't- they may get angry, even cast out that member, and reconfigure themselves into a new grouping.
That happened when I also didn't want to be the rescuer, emotional caretaker and began to have boundaries. I felt these were positive changes for me but my family was circled around BPD mother's feelings and moods.
You are making positive changes for yourself and changing the cycle of dysfunction for you and your future family. Your sister is reacting to this but it's not anything you are doing wrong- it isn't your job to manage her emotions. How to cope? Therapy helps and I recommend it, to help you navigate these changes. Your fiance is supportive but he's not a professional experienced with these dynamics, and so therapy can help too. If your sister doesn't attend your wedding- it's on her- and it may be more peaceful for you if she doesn't. Also prepare for her possibly showing up, and what you would do if she escalates. (have someone designated to step out with her if she does).


