Oh, and I agree to not send money!  Let her see the consequences of her actions.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I have been through something similar. In my situation, I had to call the police because of a DV incident and a mandatory restraining order was put in place. I jumped in immediately, going to the first court date to ask for a modification to digital communications. Then, I essentially, saved my H, by hiring a lawyer to help his lawyer get the best possible outcome, as what he was facing truly would have ruined his life…and our family. I moved quick to modify the restraining order, trying to modify 1 step every court date he had. While I know I did what I did in good conscience, my H has only thanked me once for essentially saving his life, and that was when his lawyer told him to thank me before he took the plea deal that I had arranged for him. There have been a handful of other times where he has said that he knows how horrible he has been to me and the kids, but that’s it!  I decided that I wanted to speak at his plea, and I wrote a letter telling him about how his actions had affected me and the kids, I had ended up rewriting the letter as my lawyer said that he thought this letter probably wouldn’t help our cause in getting him the best possible outcome, but when I gave the original letter to my H months later, he told me that I am a liar and just looking for attention!  He almost had my life in his hands and all I cared about was his well being, his future!  I saved his life and he doesn’t care! I’m still the bad guy, I’m still the one who gets the brunt of all of his outbursts.  Though I know others get it at times as well.  It almost feels like it was believed, by both my h and I, that I owed it to him., to save him!  His cycles have continued, in reality, everything has continued except the physical violence.
I don’t know what I would advise, but I would not advise to drop everything because “you feel bad for her”. A protection order was granted for a reason. I don’t know your wife, but the feeling that I get from my H is he knows he can treat me like complete **** and I will still be there saving his life, bending over backwards for him. Yes, he has a mental illness which is pretty debilitating. But, I need to realize that even though he is mentally ill, I still deserve to be treated well…and honestly well is beyond what I am even looking for now a days…I am at the level of looking for him to say thank you maybe once every 25 things that I do for him, etc!  
For me, the future of the protection order depends on a couple of things…do you have kids together? Do YOU want to communicate with her?  For us, and I was told this was standard, the judge will only modify POs with slow step changes, digital usually being the first step. Maybe try that and see how it goes, if it goes south fast, you can always turn your phone off and go back to the court with the nasty texts, etc to get that reinstated. !  After that I would advise that you only make forward progression with her when you are ready…it’s amazing how the charm comes out when it needs to!  What I would truly suggest that you do during this time is to find you again! Get out of the house, see friends, do activities you love, feel what true happiness feels like again. And if and when you do decide to let her slowly back into your life, make sure you keep your happiness, happiness comes from within and it’s nobody’s business to take that from someone else!

Hi Love and Pain,

I'm sorry you've had it so rough lately.  Your screen name itself reveals the conflicting feelings, especially during this crisis.

Look, for a restraining order to be issued, the situation had to be serious.  I think both you and your partner would benefit from a "time out" to reflect.  Typically restraining orders are temporary.  I'd say, take the time to settle your nerves, find some support and try to get re-acquainted with your "normal" self.

I'd also advise absolutely no contact with your partner.  She needs to understand the seriousness of her behavior, and the natural consequences of it.  If you try to communicate with her and/or send her money, it seems to me like you're violating the purpose of the restraining order, and you're sending conflicting messages.

Maybe reaching a crisis point isn't the worst thing, if it means your wife gets the help that she needs, and you get the separation you need to get out of the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  I know it's really hard.

In such a case (a pistol threat), it is totally understandable that you called police. However, if the problem was sorted and she does not have access to it anymore, and you are not under threat, then what's the purpose of the restraining order? Is it because that was the only way to get her to move out? If yes, then I completely understand you.

If that's the situation, then I think it is a good idea to modify the restraining order to allow digital communication (given that your attorney grants it).

She came at me with a pistol. At the moment, I felt it was going to be suicide in front of me or a murder suicide. 

Thinking back now, she probably just wanted to threaten me that she was going to kill herself while in the heat of the moment.  Any way you slice it it was completely wrong.  None-the-less, I do not believe I am at risk of violence by her.

That's interesting that it seems most bipolar cases are evident at earlier ages.  My SIL's father was first diagnosed around the time that she married into the family.  So her father was probably around 50.  He isn't personality disordered like his daughter is, though.  And SIL was diagnosed in her early 40s.  

It is so strange to see her as manic.  I feel like me and my mom's relationship with her has been different than other people.  Because when I see her manic, I can see some differences --she talks faster, she's less filtered, I don't think she sleeps much.  But other than that, she doesn't seem that different.  Yeah, it's hard to imagine how this develops over the coming years.   Since she had two manic episodes two years in a row, I wonder if this is just how it's going to be.  

Hi Anonymous22,

Nice to know he is also in DBT. Sorry if I missed that. But yet this will take long. If you are lucky, in one year you'll see great progress. But it could take 10 years.

Your last post made me think that he might have ADHD, which could explain his aloofness with the kids and forgetfulness of your plans. Did he struggle in school as a kid? Maybe if you research deeper on the symptoms, you can build up your opinion on this diagnostic possibility. Unlike BPD, the ADHD treatment (pharmacological) is very quick. Stimulants are effective in half an hour, and non-stimulants in 3 weeks.

Hi PainLovePain ,

It's hard to give you advice on the restraining order without knowing what actually happened. And yet this is very individual. It depends on who your wife is, what she is capable of doing, and how you feel about it. The thing you felt was threatened was your life, someone else's life, your property, or something else?

Thank you all for your responses over the past couple of days.  I'm plodding along.  I am still getting hit with grief waves, an aching heart, and general sadness over her and the relationship.  Yesterday, I went out with a friend and truly had one of the most relaxing, stress free, generally enjoyable evenings I've had in years.  It was liberating, and while driving home I felt the best I've felt in years.  It was great.  Today, I'm kind of back in the dumps again but recalling the feelings from yesterday gives me hope.  I know I'm still raw and have a ton of healing to do, but now I have a glimpse into what good could feel like. 

I've decided to not send money to her.  She has a storage unit full of really nice stuff I bought her over the years.  If she gets desperate enough, she has the ability to sell things.  This has the same dollar impact of me sending money to her but also shows her that sacrifice is sometimes a result.  Also, I'm just assuming she's sad and glum and feeling the way I do with no money in her pockets.  She could be out partying it up and feeling great.  There's no way for me to know either way, and it's weak of me to make assumptions that she's hurting like I am. 

I'm going to speak to an attorney prior to the court date and explore whether or not I should modify the restraing order to allow digital communication only.  I don't think I want to shut the door 100% closed permanently.  I think maybe allowing some type of texting could help both of us, and as long as I enforce a necessity for demonstrable change to continue conversations I could be ok.  I'd love to hear opinions around this course of action...

Hi there,

I don't know anyone with both NPD and bipolar.  I do know someone close to me with diagnosed BPD, and someone else with undiagnosed NPD.  Both have self-medicated with illicit/unprescribed substances, and I'm certain that the drugs exacerbated some of their more deleterious behaviors.  There have been times when more "psychotic" episodes from them have coincided with heavier drug use.  The "psychotic" behaviors seemed to go into "remission" when they were hospitalized and cut off from the drug source. 

I'm just mentioning this because, though I'm no expert, I understood that bipolar typically emerges in early adulthood.  That your SIL's bipolar behaviors emerged in her 40s seems unexpected.  I'm not saying it's not true, I'm just wondering if something else is going on, or is a triggering condition, such as a reaction to medications.

Having said that, the pwNPD in my life can exhibit extremely aggressive behaviors.  He has gotten into trouble with police for harassing-type behavior.  There was one incident where the police held him for several hours, and he became increasingly agitated and aggressive, but they couldn't figure out why he was acting so weirdly--he wasn't just drunk or high.  He made threats, but since he didn't actually follow through, the police couldn't book him.  The police called around to try to get someone to take him in, but nobody would.  They ended up taking him to the hospital, where he was treated for a few weeks.  Let's just say this wasn't an isolated incident--the police have a file on him, and that's why they were able to call around to ask someone to take him.  And the reason nobody would take him is that his NPD behavior is too much to handle.  He is in a bad way, and I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't live much longer, cutting his life short by 30-40 years.  I don't know if he'll get in a fight, a car wreck, OD on drugs/alcohol or succumb to physical system failures (failing kidney, liver, heart attack, stroke?).  It is very sad.  But since he's NPD (in all likelihood), he thinks he's "special" and would never admit to having any sort of problem, whether a physical ailment, mental health issue or otherwise.  Though he loves the attention he gets at the hospital, he doesn't follow doctors' orders and reverts to bad habits when discharged.