Your layout rings true: something sets it off, the surge comes, you check what's real, and things settle again. It's your mind trying to steady itself when the ground tilts a little. 

Most of the time, tightening that loop doesn't come from a sharper argument. It comes from spotting the pattern earlier and remembering you don't have to wrestle with reality each time it appears. When you start to trust your first read-even a little-the surge tends to pass sooner. 

It also seems reasonable to expect that contact will still stir things up for a while. A small plan you can use right away makes those moments easier. Take a few slow breaths. Eat something plain. Reach out to someone calm who knows your usual baseline. Then return to what you were doing, even if it's just the next simple step. 

You're not trying to win the debate now. You're trying to recover faster. That's real progress.

I think it depends on how dangerous you consider the situation. You got some female responses, and females tend to think it is very scary. But some people would just downplay it as a childish threat. For me, given my knowledge of BPD, I think this situation is completely predictable, given the rejection sensitivity, suicidal ideation, the situation that had happened, and the firearm availability.

I would actually blame myself for having left my firearm reachable to a mentally ill person. I would probably resolve it by saying what is needed to calm her down, then getting closer, distracting her, and then suddenly taking the pistol out of her hands. That's assuming it was my current wife, whom I love. But if it were any of my ex-wives, instead I would just hide against a wall, provoke her into shooting, then escape from the environment and call the police, just to make sure she got arrested. In either case, assuming there were no kids around, I would not be scared.

I have been threatened with firearms before, by police and by drug dealers, but I always resolved it calmly. I have also been threatened with knives by different women, but since they are so much weaker, I just stepped closer and challenged them to try, and they never tried. With a firearm I would not challenge, because pulling the trigger does not require strength, but I would try to outsmart them.

Note: This is not a recommendation. It is just how I handle it.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. There are no kids together. We are not married. I’m in individual therapy, but he is not currently in treatment and refuses any. (There is nothing wrong with him).

What’s hardest for me isn’t just the escalation — it’s the lack of repair and the shutdown afterward. It is exhausting. I love him and I am tired. He recently went to visit his mom and while there he barely called me for two weeks. He's been back...not even a week...and here we sit hours later and is still avoiding me from this morning's event.

Hi again,

I second the notion of not asking for digital communication and leaving the ball in your wife's court.

If there is any hope for a healthy relationship post what has happened (if you are still interested in that, once things settle and you have time to think), your wife needs to take accountability and put in the very hard work needed to change her patterns of thinking and behaviours. When you rush in to rescue her and find solutions for the messes SHE created, whether that is with money, trying to lessen the restrictions of the restraining order, or some other way, she learns that what she did was actually not that serious and you will be there for her no matter what. Which is the foundation of a very unhealthy relationship. Yes, she has a mental illness, and as I said before, we can empathize with her and support her if she puts in the work to heal, but if she is abusing you and putting your life in danger, the relationship by its very definition will be unhealthy.

Personally, I do not allow any digital communication between me and my husband, as I have found many times in the past that it spiralled out of control and made me feel like I was losing my mind. This realization came about for me one time when I was furiously responding to some insulting texts that my husband sent and I almost dropped my newborn baby. From then on, I never text, email or respond to any of these except in an emergency. And he knows the "rules" and generally does not even try to use digital communication anymore. He has reached out to me through sending physical letters  (we are currently not living together, and there are times when he can't handle talking calmly on the phone or in-person), so there are out-of-the-box ways of communicating when someone is motivated.

Sometimes, when I am unsure of how serious my husband's behaviour is and how I should respond, as it is easy to lose sight of what is "normal" when exposed to so much chaos,  I imagine someone else talking about the incident to me (ie as though my friend is telling over what happened to them). That helps me put things in perspective. So, for example if your friend told you an imaginary scenario about how their wife has been out of control for the past few years, to the point where their wife recently came at them with a pistol, and now has a restraining order against her, would you recommend digital contact? You get the point.

I can attest to the fact that it is so hard to have conflicting feelings of loving our partner and wishing we could have only the "normal" part of them without all the drama, even when they behave in abusive ways. It is also incredibly hard to have the strength to not rescue them and to focus on bettering and healing ourselves, and leave them to work on themselves if they choose to do so . But in my opinion, not saving your wife will increase the likelihood of you healing regardless of the outcome of the marriage, and of her potentially getting the help she needs as well. I have tried all the overlooking, all the validating, all the rescuing, and there comes a point where it just doesn't work...

All of what you have said up to now seems compatible with BPD.

Asking them why they behaved in this or that way is a bit futile. They may point to triggers, but they don't actually understand why they behave abnormally. All they know is to blame you for their behavior, often trying to reignite the conflict.

According to the OES theory, this is well explained because of the unconscious and uncontrollable attempts to stimulate endorphins out of the self-defeating conflict.

Staying grounded and not absorbing will be impossible while you are around them and very difficult even when you are far from them. But if you can keep yourself apart, it may be feasible, but only if you are emotionally self-sufficient and mentally healthy. If anything makes you weak and you need proximity, while seeking their emotional support, you might just get trouble instead.

But 10 years is a lot to survive. Do you have kids? Do you or he do any kind of psychological treatment?

We’ve been together 10 years. There have always been moments of name-calling during conflict, but I feel like it’s become more specific and more cutting recently. He blamed for sabotaging his weekends, creating calamity for drama, not listening. He says I never listen.

He can be very loving and present at times, but when he feels criticized or rejected, he escalates and then shuts down. There’s rarely repair afterward, which is what feels hardest for me. I wouldn't say he "love bombs"...maybe when we first met. He was at a really low point in his life and I "saved" him...but now it feels nothing I do is right.

This spoke to me:  "if you don't want to be called one don't be one" because my partner says the same thing to me when he calls me names and I ask him to stop. I'm so glad you have made the tough decision to not take the abuse. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Hello and welcome to the family.  What you describe has to be really tough in the moment and many of us here have had similar experiences with BPD friends, family, or partners.  That doesn't mean this is BPD you're dealing with, but you can receive support here regardless.

For someone with BPD, they can be highly emotional and read into a situation a lot deeper than we would if they fear rejection or abandonment in the moment. 

Maybe that's all that happened in the moment, maybe not.  But the bigger pattern of becoming offensive afterwards and suggesting a breakup makes this feel very familiar to me and what myself and others have experienced on this site. 

This is not your fault because you had the best of intentions when things went sideways.  And if you are looking to remain in the relationship, there are ample tools here to help you communicate in a different style to limit these types of experiences.  I don't want to get ahead of ourselves though so I'll pause there.

How long have you been together with your partner?  Were the dynamics always like this, or has there been a change more recently?  Talk it out a little more for us.

Hi Ellibear2,

Your first post can be found here and there are a few replies- https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062167.msg13234199#msg13234199

If you received any personal messages, look up above this thread at the light green bar.  It's just above the Bing search box and you'll see "Help!", "Boards", "Search Threads", "Search Members", and the 5th option is "Pvt Mail". 

Click on "Pvt Mail" and you can read your personal messages there.

Just let us know if you need any additional help!  You should be able to post freely.

Hi everyone. I’m looking for perspective.
My partner and I had a conflict this morning during intimacy. He felt I wasn’t engaged and ended it abruptly. When I tried to talk about it, he escalated — called me names (including “b!tch” and “p!ss ant”), told me to “shut up,” and said if I wanted to end the relationship I should “grow some balls and say it.”
When I later asked if he really believes those things about me, he said he uses those words to “get my attention” and “shut me up so he can talk.”
This isn’t the first time I’ve been called names over the years, and there’s rarely repair afterward. Today he’s mostly emotionally shut down.
I’m not trying to diagnose him, but I’m struggling to understand what this pattern is and whether it aligns with BPD traits or something else. I’m feeling confused and would appreciate perspective. For those of you who’ve dealt with BPD traits in a partner, does this kind of escalation and shutdown resonate? How do you stay grounded and not absorb it?