Regarding marriage counseling, I’m curious if it’s actually worked for everyone.  My SO sees the counselor as on my side each time we go and says I know how to talk better than they do so they take my side. 

That's absolutely horrific and I couldn't imagine.  For over a decade, I didn't fight with my BPD ex-wife at all; I simply refused to and it kept the home quiet.  But if something happened to one of our kids and she didn't respond? 

OMG, that was world-changing in my mind and I'd absolutely lose it.

Plain and simple, you don't mess with my kids or my grandkids.  Do whatever you want to me, that's fine.  But somebody puts a child in danger?!?  That's one of the rare occasions I just can't control my temper.

My uBPD wife of over 30 years has had a steady escalation of BPD symptoms since I retired almost 10 years ago and we moved across the country to a place we mutually selected and still enjoy. She has reinterpreted our entire marriage and now says I was abusive, controlling, and narcissistic. She has wasted her talents as a mostly stay-at-home Mom, and has lost her identity. For the first 15 or more years of our marriage we celebrated our wedding anniversary, exchanged affectionate cards and notes, and felt very close, despite episodes of sudden emotional dysregulation which gradually escalated and became more frequent. These were without exception initiated by her due to something I said or did, and I have always been 100% to blame.

I could say much more, but I’d like to cut directly to my topic. My wife spends hours every day watching reels, listening to podcasts (many generated by AI), watching YouTube videos, reading blogs, articles by self-proclaimed experts, and Facebook posts about narcissism, coercive control, cheating (I’ve never come remotely close to cheating, but a friendly greeting spoken to a woman in passing, or a second quick glance at a very attractive woman without any eye contact drives her insane, and she never forgives), uncommitted husbands, betrayals, triangulation, gaslighting (she still gets the definition wrong), and much more. Then she sits me down for hours and discusses these articles with me. We often have to listen or watch a lengthy program and discuss it, all while she is very dysregulated. Frequently, she asks me to journal on the topic of the day, and I will write an essay and try to understand her viewpoint and then we talk about what I’ve written. To the best of my ability I use tools I’ve learned from my  therapist, as well as many good things I’ve learned on this website, and especially try not to JADE. 

Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like she gets on a topic, and AI keeps feeding her more and more and more of the same topic. She goes down a rabbit hole and gets very depressed and very blaming of me. This will go on for several weeks, and then she’ll change topics and go down another rabbit hole, followed by another rabbit hole. Years go by.  It seems like she’s trying to force me to take all of the blame. I am pretty conflict averse, and can be pretty wimpy when she is attacking me, which is quite frequent. It is very depressing to me, and I’m trying my best to understand what is true in her assertions, make changes, and ignore the majority of it, which is not true. I cannot tell her not to pay attention to these things, but I have told her that she may be going down the rabbit hole and really getting overly influenced by material of dubious quality. I state this as diplomatically as I can. My stress level is very high, and I sleep very poorly, often lying awake for hours at night, unable to sleep due to the stress of the conflict.

Again, has anyone else experienced this? How do I cope? I can’t tell her she can’t look at these things, but I feel it is really poisoning our relationship. She is threatening divorce frequently. But some days, things are fine. It’s like nothing ever happened. If I say that it sounds like she’s wanting to end the marriage, she freaks out and says “don’t put words in my mouth - that’s what you want to do.” Any wisdom or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Hi again,

Though I suspect that the estate issues aren't the main issue for you, it's no surprise to me that your daughter isn't taking care of things as she should.  If she's anything like my BPD stepdaughter, her standard coping mechanism is avoidance.  Anything new, unfamiliar or tricky feels difficult for most people at first, but for pwBPD, it feels absolutely overwhelming.  My guess is your daughter might RESENT her dad for burdening her with all this paperwork and responsibility.  Again, if she's anything like my BPD stepdaughter, my guess is she didn't really learn how to handle adult administrative matters because her her dad over-functioned for her in the past.  Maybe he paid for her insurance, rent, health expenses or utilities.  Maybe he made sure her bills were paid on time and her car was maintained.  Maybe he prepared her taxes for her, assuming she worked some and generated some income.  If he didn't do all that for her, maybe he was readily available to send your daughter reminders, monitor her cash and bail her out, easing her "adulting" burden.  Maybe your daughter has "learned helplessness," because others have felt compelled to step in and do work that she herself should be doing, in the name of preventing meltdowns and keeping her stable.  They did this of love, as they didn't want to see her suffer, or to lose out, even if it prevented her from learning life skills and gaining self-confidence.

If your daughter is anything like my stepdaughter, this "over functioning" means that she lacks practical experience.  She might not understand what an insurance beneficiary is, and she doesn't know what the word probate means, let alone what it entails.  Something like an estate can seem mightily confusing, even if she has a lawyer and trusted friends who are helping her.  She could be afraid to ask questions, for fear of looking stupid.  Personally, I've been dealing with a complicated estate for a couple years now, and it feels burdensome to me, even though I have ample general business, administrative and legal experience to draw from.  If my BPD stepdaughter had to manage something like that, I think she'd probably give up before even trying.  She would collapse from the work, her impatience and general overwhelm, even if she were the beneficiary of everything.  Add to that any grief, and it's no wonder she seems paralyzed.  Her thinking can be so mixed up that she doesn't care if she loses everything.  She'll say as much:  "I don't care."  But it's not right that she's taking her overwhelm out on you.  It sounds to me like she needs to get professional help, both for her mental state and with her dad's estate.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

Doc Girl,  I'm grateful you are here and that you were able to take the step to set boundary. You encouraged me to stand strong too. I have a 45yr old son who is undiagnosed wbpd. He was in a mental health facility for 2 weeks and told me he's diagnosed with PTSD. I was told they don't make full diagnoses. All that to say I have been in a lot of denial over what he's struggling with. I've been telling myself for 30+ years he's in pain because of the trauma informed his life. I have continuelly rescued him. Right now he's in a good job -it's been a month. I'm hoping he with get the help he needs to manage his reactions under stress, impulsively.. I loved Pook's words to you about he and his wife wanting their daughter's healing more than she did. That hit me hard. It's my truth. My son  puts in a lot of effort so I get confused. He's been a Realtor, Licensed Electrical Contractor...He wonders why things don't work out for him yet he won't or more accurately  is unable to take responsibility because of bpd.
I'm answering you because we have sons in common. This is a heartbreaking disease.. My son started to act out at about 14. He began taking out his anger on his younger brother.  We eventually had to have him live with his grandparents thiugh I stayed connected. Before that I brought the boys to counseling.  I went to parent groups for teens in trouble. My son began hanging with a very bad crowd and was involved in illegal activities but never picked up. His 1st marriage was with a repeat criminal about 12 yrs older. Drama and violence. He divorced her.  He remarried and had 2 kids. More drama and violence.- Just enough  to traumatize his kids. Miracle of all this - they love him.. There is enough acceptable and loving in the middle of it all so that everyone is trying to make sense of it. BPD explains it all.
I totally understand your relief living away from your son. It's not the way we want our relationships with our sons to be but it's our present reality. I thought it great that your son hung up at your No. There were times when my son would call repeatedly screaming at me. I'm my son's trigger, his emotional dumping ground when in pain and his security blanket when he needs to hear he's loved..My son was molested by a friend and  her husband when he was about 4. They threatened to kill us if he told. He didn't tell me until he was 20. He thought I knew and did nothing. Along with that I believe my ex, his Dad has bpd. His Dad didn't bond with him as he did with my younger son. So, I've acted out of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. It hasn't cured my son.
I'm sharing so much for two reasons.  You may relate to some of this and when I am honest about the whole picture of my son's struggles and my helping in ways that didn't help him and made me sicker - it helps me take actions that might truly help him.

Hi Ursa
A big moment for me was coming here and reading others' posts about how much they had done, how many programs they had paid for etc. Each individual with BPD is different of course but your SD is only 20 and everything can change for a 20 year old from day to day.

Just thinking if your DH could read a couple of the posts here, he might realise there is no silver bullet.

PS Do you know what is complicated about the estate?

Hi Upsetmom2
Years ago I thought that if my DD saw my tears and anguish she would realize the effect of her terrible words. Not so. I didn’t understand BPD then and the fact that anything that triggers that they are to blame for something will be blocked at the very least, because it is too painful – my DD is low-functioning so therapy not helpful.

So from my experience I wouldn’t show her your pain. I goes against the grain I know but so much does when dealing with BPD.

The thing I am trying to get my head around is why your DD has not been proactive in dealing with her inheritance? Also from my experience, some with the condition would be very active in dealing with it.

Your DD has lived independently for 10 years I gather – is that correct?  Did you have much contact during that time and if so, what was that like? I have a few questions – hope you don’t mind.

Do you know if your DD has used drugs at all or do you think she may be using them now? My DD is atm and her pattern is going off staying with friends for a few days then back home and sleeping for days.

Has your DD has a history of depression? BPD can have different comorbidities and if the sleeping pattern is not related to substance use, it could be that DD is very depressed. I understand completely that grief is in there, but the inability to do any of the things that need to be done does seem to me like significant depression.

Where from here?

The first thing in my opinion is how to gather some strength yourself. The verbal abuse is like a knife going through one, and to ignore is easier said than done. I used to ‘hear’ the words, but I don’t now. It makes it easier to think of it in terms of a cornered, wild kitten – their reaction is hissing and spitting and making huge noise. When the words flow it is a defence mechanism against the pain the BPD person is experiencing. If you are the target of blame then it will be hurled at you. Try to practice  letting the words fly past you.

The other thing that supports me is the mantra ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’. Believe it or not I found myself using this the other day when I realized my anxiety was off the scale. It’s really helpful for me.

Do you know if there is a time limit on doing all that needs to be done for the estate process?  Perhaps find out information about what happens in these circumstances ie can the court appoint someone else to transfer the estate.

It is only a short while and both of you are grieving I know. But it is important for you to feel that you are not being totally submerged in this situation so I think you need to feel more in control.

I have asked enough questions for one day! I think the steps to take control could depend on the answers to the ones above!

Thinking of you in this really awful situation.

Hi CC43,

This is not about having her support. I never actually felt like my partner's support was important to my career or financial health in any of my relationships. A nice partner can make me feel good and provide a structured environment, which is positive for my progress (may contribute indirectly), but when BPD behaviors set in, it's the other way around.

My only option to "make it happen" is to move out and cut off the energy supply, which would immediately force her out as well. That's radical and has a few negative aspects. To minimize those negative aspects, I have planned a "smart move" in which I would just trick her out and then return silently. It's an infallible plan. But honestly, I find myself having a lot of resistance in following this route. My resistance is due to my lack of energy and motivation, but also because this is not a friendly solution.

Hi Mom,

I'm really sorry for your loss.  Both of you must be reeling.  It's hard not to feel grief, but grief isn't an excuse to become a freeloader and treat you and your home poorly.

I have an adult BPD stepdaughter about your daughter's age.  Like your daughter, she has tried living on her own.  But in my stepdaughter's case, she's failed at living on her own several times and has rebounded to my house (with her dad) for most of her adult life.  The "deal" we have with her is that to live with us, she has to be nice, clean up after herself and be on a path to working or studying full-time.  She simply has never been able to keep up her side of the bargain while living with me.  I think the SHAME of not being able to keep up her side of the bargain culminates in bad behavior, lashings out and storming out.  I try not to take it personally, though I do have some built-up resentment, because I don't like living with her, and I don't like her attitude most of the time.  The negativity in the house when she's around ends up being toxic.

Anyway, she's actually surprised me.  I know she doesn't like living with us becuase she feels inadequate and guilty.  But when she has been forced to fend for herself, sometimes she has proven to us (and mostly to herself) how resourceful she can be.  She has done some house-sitting.  She has found some roommates.  She has found various jobs.  Though she doesn't like them and sometimes gets fired/not enough shifts, there are loads of jobs out there, she can find another one.

I might be weird, but for me, I can tolerate a bad mood, as long as my stepdaughter is doing what she's supposed to be doing, e.g. cleaning up after herself, working diligently at her job and saving up some money to move out.  What bothers me most is when she sleeps the day away, consumes illicit substances, lives like a slob and doesn't help out one bit.  Why?  Because that means she's hopeless, off track, not committing to therapy, not trying, and with no plans to become more independent and self-sufficient, while blaming others for all her problems.

I think you need to hold firm boundaries.  It's your house and your life.  She's a GUEST, and it's your choice if you let her stay with you.  If she does stay with you, she needs to be a proper guest:  caring for the environment, respecting your space, being kind, and contributing--helping with rent, chores, upkeep, whatever works best for you.  If not, she can leave.