Oh my goodness. I am not very good at using this platform and I had almost resigned myself to the idea that no one would respond.  I looked again and looked more carefully and saw all of your responses and have burst into tears.

I don’t know where to begin even.

I have come to the reluctant conclusion that a divorce is necessary and that we are not going to make it through a collaborative process to implement the divorce.  I’ve been trying for two years to get things on a better footing - initially to preserve  the marriage and then to try to achieve a amicable divorce- and every time I think I’ve made a breakthrough with her, she does or says something that is incendiary. 

My family lawyers are urging me to apply for divorce. The only grounds available to me that don’t involve being legally separated for four years is “unreasonable behavior”, and the court filing would need to chronicle all of the bat_____ crazy things that my wife has done over the last few years.

My priority is to deliver my teenage daughter into living environment where she can expect stability on a day-to-day basis so that she can focus on school and friends.  We have engaged my daughter’s therapist in a process where she would make a recommendation as to what the living arrangements ideally would be. My wife has dangled in front of me the idea that she’s going to move in with her boyfriend or move to Thailand for her philanthropic work, but then pivots back and say says no no no my daughter needs me with her. Which is self evidently not true at least not on a day and day out basis right now, as much as my daughter loves her mom enormously. 

And my immediate problem is that an important set of exams are two short weeks away, and I would love to come up with a short-term arrangement that would assure her a calm environment. i’m taking her on a short holiday during the exam prep. So things will be fine for those four days.  But there is the rest of the time.  I’m thinking that if I can’t get my wife to agree to something else, then I’ll remove myself from the situation and stay at a nearby hotel,  taking my daughter aside and explaining that I’ll never be far away. 

Does anybody have any perspectives to share about this? And then on the long-term project of coming up with a living arrangement over the 14 months left before my daughter graduates from high school, is it a wasted effort trying to get my wife to buy into a plan that my daughter’s therapist is working on?  In which case do I just need to plough forward with legal proceedings and leave my 17-year-old to advocate for herself as things unfold.

I have tried in the past to get a family therapist involved who could help mediate, possibly liaising with my wife’s therapist, but my wife has really shown Little interest in working with her therapist or involving a family therapist. I have urged my wife to hire lawyers who then could interface with my lawyers and  :help:remove some of the acrimony from our own interactions, but she seems reluctant to give up control to lawyers. 

Things are a mess. I’m sure I’m close to losing my job. I’m only barely holding things together for my daughter. I’m racking up legal fees that will quickly deplete my hard earned retirement nest egg.  And I could end up in contentious divorce proceedings on two continents. 

I will read your messages more carefully later when I am at my screen rather than using my mobile phone, and provide comments to some of your specific comics and questions.  But in the meantime would be happy to hear from any of you, if you have ideas on any of the above or just to tell me that things might end up OK in the end.

 :help:Attacked again! I am just feeling so vulnerable, angry, sad! Both daughters are attacking me! Both have BPD. It hurts because they make it so completely personal and treat me as if I was garbage! And I didn’t even do anything!! I move out in two more days and I feel guilty because I can’t wait to get away from them both! Only thing is my grandkids are here and I’m going to miss them. But I have to get out of here! I’m not helping I’m hurting! Need distance from the chaos from the hurt! Need my life to be my own. Keep telling myself I’m not selfish despite how often they tell me I am! Please help me with some words of comfort!!!

Greetings BPD family,

I'm seeking support.
My 27 y/o daughter whose displayed criteria for BPD since age 12, recently went into RTC treatment, and I believe she was finally properly diagnosed after 13+ years of self harm, SI and Suicide attempts, as well as overall risky behavior, violent outbursts, and utter chaos. I had to sit and cry for a few minutes after I got the news she'd received this diagnosis from the RTC she was willing to go to after 10 years of not having treatment for her mental health and substance-use disorder issues.

I think I came in here to find support and validation, as well as not to feel so alone as I have for the past 13+ years, especially with no professionals seeming to get her criteria. I've lost myself in many ways over the years trying to "save" and help her and over the past 10 months, after a few years of focusing more on my own well-being I got the inner sos to show up for her at a deeper and "don't give up on her this time" kind of level, which appears to be paying off. The only challenge is that while in treatment, she went AWOL and left one day, but came back. The reality is she's in an unfamiliar town and has trauma from living on the streets over the past few years. Yesterday, she had a breakthrough with her therapist's support, and it's only week 2 in the RTC, and she shared how she's grateful for this opportunity. Then, today I got a call; she's hating it again, and this has been how her life has been in general. I remembered her, and most BPD people often engage in "splitting", idealizing, or devaluing someone or a situation, and that this is normal for her as she's done it most of her life. Where I'm at is I know I need support and tools to rebuild my foundation and set healthy boundaries with her now that she's in treatment. I'm seeking guidance on how to break chaos patterns, stop trying to save my daughter, and learn to live with her BPD.

I want her to learn self-regulation and learn how to rely on herself, and I've become quite enmeshed and feel attached and responsible for her outcome because I fought for her to get into the RTC for the past 2+ months, and even crossed my own limit and let her live with me. I'm ready to live my own life and focus on my own well-being and joy, now. I'm reminded here that I require my own healing and self-regulation and that this is my opportunity now. I'd love any book recommendations, support group suggestions, or other resources for moms and parents. I have a music career, and I'm a Voice & creativity coach, and I'm 50 years young, ready for my next chapter. I have a great therapist, yet I want to be pre-emptive and give myself more support and be prepared for when my daughter calls like that- so I can be stronger for myself and her. Thanks for hearing me.

A Mom who loves her daughter, and who's remembering to <3 herself



 

Well happy birthday to you my friend!!!  My daughter didn't call me or text on my birthday either.  Cheers! Hope things get better.  I know it's so heart breaking but what can we do. It's out of our hands. 

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to be quick to act, react and overreact, too often in negative ways.  Naturally, we shouldn't be like that, our inclination is generally to be positive.  So "retaliation" as a reaction to receiving negative treatment isn't productive.  Usually it's a spur-of-the-moment impulse that doesn't make things all better.  That's where a measure of self-control is so helpful.

I just read in another thread about HALT - Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness... if that applies then best to pause (halt) and let yourself ponder what to do to avoid self-destructive responses.  (You can do an internet search on HALT.)

While your issue cited here does not seem so much as "acting-out" (harming others) it may fit more as "acting-in" (sabotaging self)?  Whichever, it can certainly be frustrating in any relationship.  And feeling walked over too is discouraging.

One of our normal inbuilt cravings is reciprocation in our relationships.  We give and share while wanting others to similarly give and share.  It's upbuilding and overall productive.

When things get unbalanced is when one is always giving and the other always taking, even opposing.  Imagine sitting in a rowboat, you rowing toward a wonderful goal but the other is just sitting there, perhaps even rowing in the opposite direction.  That eventually becomes frustrating and unworkable.  In time you're tempted to give up and give in and what you do becomes, almost before you realize it, appeasing and enabling.  Not a success story.

There are many relationship tools, communication skills and time-tested strategies discussed here.  Many members have been here for years and our collective wisdom is a result of our "been there, done that" experience.

One skill, one of many, is learning what Boundaries are.  Boundaries are not placed on the misbehaving person because typically they resist proper boundaries of behavior.  While it isn't intuitive, Boundaries are for us.  How so?  Boundaries are how we respond to poor behavior.

For example, the other person may start ranting, raging, blaming us, making demands, virtually taunting us to respond similarly.  However, we can have a clearly stated Boundary that we won't sit by as a willing target.  Rather we can decide to exit and go elsewhere such as to the park, to a restaurant or the supermarket, stating we will return.  That gives the other time to reset.  Will it work?  Perhaps not so much at first.  Hopefully over time at least part of our boundary will become the normal and accepted policy.

Over the last 10 years or so, I’ve gotten into an unhealthy habit of either letting myself be walked over like a doormat or worse, becoming a literal servant to J.  “Fill my water cup?”, “Rub my back,” “throw this away” and all sorts of requests that would normally be a part of showing intimacy and affection- yet NONE of those requests are reciprocated in any way whatsoever.

Light pushback to any of them is met with immediate anger and resentment- that I “never want to do it” or “it’s always something that you don’t want to do”. She often attempts to talk to me like I’m her teenage child- giving “advice” about how i should act and talk and behave and how i should do various tasks and chores in the home to her expectations.

I swallow it and anger explodes at times back at her.   Today might be then end of a relationship- she has blocked me on Facebook and she says she blocked my calls and texts- although she is periodically texting me with rants and criticisms about how I need therapy to discuss my anger management issues and my tendency to narcissism (which is partly correct with anger management with regards to her behavior) but I recognize projection.

Today’s problem was where a delivery came, the dog got out and went into the apartment parking lot area- he was not responding to me and I had no shoes to run after him.   I called her and told her I need her immediately and she called out the window- no response.   I began to panic more- “I NEED YOU”

“Ok”

10-20 seconds of nothing- I couldn’t see if she’s moving.  “J!  Please come downstairs now!”

“Ok!” (She calls him again out the window)

20-30 more long seconds.   “I need you to come down NOW!  He’s moving away!”

Silence.  She whistles.   No response from the dog and no appearance at the door.

Finally after pleading with her, “I NEED YOU TO COME DOWN NOW!” she slowly appears, puts on a slip on sweatshirt, puts boots on slowly and makes her way down.

After the dog comes back, she SCREAMS at me not to me embarrass her by yelling like that.  I told her that I will embarrass her like that again and it will get worse if she’s going to not rush like that again.   She shouted and screamed to get away from her and I left for work an hour early.

Side note: she seems to be extremely sensitive to being seen as an embarrassment in public.  She actively insists on NOT calling a business with a dropped or delayed product or order( to the point of anger).   Example- we sat waiting for a fast food order for 10-15 minutes while cars after us were served- insisting that I NOT call and say, “We haven’t gotten our small order”.  We had a situation with roadside assistance where we were told it would be 30-45 minutes for a reply and we waited 3 1/2 hours- “NO! We cannot call to ask them what’s the situation!”

Her family has a weird history of demanding low priority response from ambulances- “no lights no sirens” for ANY reason!  They claim it’s too embarrassing.

I don’t know if it’s over.   


.

Yes!  I know that resentment feeling.  And I also know that I often do something that sets off a wave of abuse when I'm feeling that way.  Thank you for naming it.  I will use it as a signal to stop doing what I'm doing and take time away for myself.

It's been rather calm for a while. I work in clinical research and supervise the human subjects research program. My ex works for the non-profit managing funds from sponsored clinical trials and grant applications. Every year there is something called 'research week'. Studies can advertise for recruitment, there are presentations, a service wide bbq. Prior to the explosive end to my relationship I haven't been attending these things as I would. It seems she didn't either last year.

Had a prep call today and everyone kept throwing my name out there as the person to work alongside my ex. Hell no. I am not sitting shoulder to shoulder with that person after everything. And maybe she starts rumors about things I did or whatever. Not to mention the anxiety I'd have interacting with her like some stranger who hasn't tried to have me arrested, or punched me. No, no, no. Then a study coordinator who never really messages me sends me an IM 'hey looks like they really want you at the table with non-profit'. Random thing to just say. And I'm not grilling at the bbq anymore so I can see her parade around laughing with everyone. Keep in mind our jobs do NOT intersect at all. There's zero reason for me to have to work with her in any capacity. I am subject matter upper management, she is an assistant at the non-profit. Add to that she's said she doesn't feel 'safe' around me...so why so eager and willing to be within a foot of me? Again, no.

The original agreement from my boss is we'd have no direct contact. So far haven't. So here goes my email to my boss that is going to probably ignite this again:

Hi 'boss',

I do not want to work near 'her' during Research Week. Given the history of physical assault, police involvement, and accusations that have been made against me, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest if we are not near each other.

Thank you,

'me'

Yes, it's not linear. A spiral is a good analogy. Sometimes it's also two steps forward, one backward, but over time, it's possible to see progress.

One step is to pay attention to our own feelings. They can help guide us. It doesn't mean we act on them, sometimes that isn't appropriate, but to pay attention to them.

A clue to when I am doing too much, helping too much, enabling is the feeling of resentment. It can be the same action, but the feeling is different. If we are doing something helpful because we are willing/want to- we don't feel that. If we are doing something out of FOG, we do. We sometimes do things we don't want to do, but are willing to do it, or choose to. That is different than doing something we don't want to do, and would not be willing to do it but we do it to avoid our pwBPD being angry. That's FOG.

Resentment is the clue for us to not do something out of FOG.

An acronym is "HALT"- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If we are feeling any of these things, we need to "Halt" - take a time out for self care. At these times we are not at our best and are more likely to react to the pwBPD, argue back, add to the drama. This is when we say "I need to pause for a moment" and disengage from the situation.

With practice, we get better at these ways of self care.

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot.
My daughter is currently in therapy and she also did a group therapy a few months ago. She seems to go in spurts where she will do really well with therapy and medication and then all of the sudden just stop everything.
I feel like it is me against the world since my family and her father just brush it off and think I am the bad one by setting boundaries. So of course I start second guessing myself and think I am a bad mom for protecting myself.
It has been very difficult not being able to communicate with my granddaughter and I feel horrible that my daughter feels this way about me. She has always thought that I loved her brother more than her.