yeah, I negotiated during our divorce settlement that I would be able to claim my D on my taxes (since she gets the child support income tax free!).  Unfortunately b/c under the IRS rules BPDxw would be able to claim our daughter since she lives there more than 50% of the time, I have to file a separate IRS form, which BPDxw has to sign, agreeing to this.

She could sign the form "for all future years" and be done with it.  And she can revoke this authorization at any time, so there's no reason not to!  but every year she refuses, and every year I have to spend a month cajoling her to sign the form... and she "loses it" or "her printer doesn't work" etc. and so I need to mail her a copy, and then have our daughter take her a copy, and it delays my own filing. 

Just a call out of the sort of irritating things that you have to deal with and don't consider during the divorce process. 

oooh, I feel dumb now but yeah, there's always those doubts, especially with the way people with BPD just move on like nothing happened and 'seem' happy. It makes you think, 'damn, was I really that bad and crazy? they were right and are doing way better while I'm here crushed'.

Just nice to hear a year isn't super long given these relationships. Regular people tend to start dating asap and it confuses me.

By "traumas of the past", I was referring to your previous relationship and everything that transpired.  It's sometimes easy to carry that guilt and blame of who the BPD said you were, instead of just accepting that they were mentally ill and at times abusive.  It's hard to completely let go of that and even year out, that's not a super-long period of time.

You'll know when it's time to date again and it probably has to do with meeting the right one.

I don't think you should look at validation as an end in an of itself; it's a technique to prevent conversations from blowing up into larger fights or blame games.  But you still have to find a way to end the conversation. 

All this is easier said than done, I know, but maybe you can try using their own language against them.  The "I don't feel" and "You don't seem to be" etc. kind of statements.

I've also considered that validation might be the first step, but then repeating & rephrasing their attacks and unhinged statements back at them can take some of the wind out of their sails, and force them to retract things or otherwise calm down to try to parse out what's happening. 

"I'm sorry, I understand you're upset, but you think because I looked at my phone, I'm intentionally ignoring you?"

"When you said XYZ, it sounds like you feel bla bla bla.  I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from here."

I tried this sort of thing; I also tried the "leave the room to defuse the fight, but do it kindly," technique, which is really hard to do when someone is screaming at you for no reason, or insulting you.  I'd find that sometimes validating and repeating that I loved her and she didn't need to worry or feel anxious about it would temporarily defuse things.  Sometimes (I can count the number on one hand), it would be the last I'd hear about that one concern.  More often (I do not have enough hands to count the number) the next day, or a few days later, I'd hear "I was thinking about our discussion from yesterday/last week, and I still think that bla bla bla..." and the hair on the back of my neck would stand up as I knew she was going to keep hacking away at this until she was able to provoke a fight - over it or whatever other perceived slight she could come up with in the moment.   

I still often have to remind myself that in addition to recognizing that the things a pwBPD says are filtered through their own "lens"... they may not even be true to begin with, and is entirely misleading or served up with an ulterior motive.

I've considered BPDxw's view of "the truth" to have two parts to it: 1) whatever served her interests in that moment, and 2) whatever she could convince others was true.

she seemed to have no concern for appearing to be inconsistent or losing credibility - with me or anyone else.  I guess that's where the whole "emotional and mental abuse" factor comes into play: if you don't go along with the lies, then you screamed at, blamed, undermined, insulted, etc. until you do.

I also noticed she acted this way in her professional life.  She'd lie on her resume and invent skills and work experience she did not have, and defend this by alleging "everyone does that."

she also seemed to think everything was a lie around her, and hence the lack of any concern for appearing dishonest or ridiculous.  Nobody knew anything, not doctors, lawyers, etc. it was all just make believe and whatever you could get away with was fair.

Hi!  I am VERY sorry you are going through this!  My daughter has BPD; can you believe it, my granddaughters' mother (no blood relation, long story) has BPD....through the past 8 years she has (I call it "dangling" like carrots" at least 5x a year....there is no rhyme or reason; I used to cry & beg, now I just wait it out....please feel free to reach out, again, I am so sorry

It's a fair question. And I'll say in the past I was always too available to people. I really stepped back this past year because I just couldn't function and handle it. I still help when I can, but it's on my terms and I'm ok saying no now. As far as traumas, I talk about that with my therapist and it's always quite vague and confusing. I am so lucky to have two parents who are married 42 years now. Our family dynamic was great and my sisters and I have a wonderful relationship too. There was no abuse in my family, no neglect, no drugs/alcohol issues. The only 'trauma' I've known of was being bullied horribly up through 7th grade or so? And what I've learned from that was it made me shrink myself and accept bad treatment and have no boundaries because it felt like 'at some point it'll stop and things will go back to normal'...which is how I've been with women. I just accept bad treatment because it always gets 'good' again. I am working on that, but my issue is learning what my boundaries look like and how to enforce them.

I've done the exercise, diet, hobbies, go out thing, and sure it keeps me occupied. Sometimes it does feel like I'm doing too many things, but I slow down.

And the thing is, I might be framing it wrong, but I'm not totally against somehow meeting a nice woman. I wouldn't hide or ignore or be rude. I just don't want to pursue anything. The idea overwhelms me actually, when in the past I was energized, confident and eager to have fun and spend time with a special person.

yup, trust needs to be earned then MAINTAINED. Used to always tell the ex I 'trust her', but if she continues to do things to jeopardize that I'll start losing some trust. Never got through to her as she wanted blanket trust in everything. I don't think being in love is what defines my happiness, which is why I'm happy I take extended time between dating. I'm a million times better than I was, getting trashed and crying all day I've done a total 180, picked up new hobbies, etc. Like, in general I'm 'good'. I just know that I do like having someone to be with because yeah...it does kind of get lonely at times, and everyone else I know is married or in serious relationships so I'm the random single dude. I'd rather be where I'm at than with my ex or just dating a million people though. I hope I'm not coming off as some desperate guy who NEEDS a woman in their life to even feel a proper existence or happiness. There's plenty of things I enjoy and I have wonderful relationships with family, friends and coworkers so I at least know I'm a good enough person to maintain and grow relationships.

This could just be me seeing the outside world and everyone moving into new parts of life. It's a plus and minus that I've achieved this much at my age, but it halts some of that bigger growth I experienced in my 20s establishing myself. And that ONE thing I never sorted out was relationships. Luckily over this last year I've realized these failures have a lot to do with me: deciding to entertain women coming out of bad situations, being too nice with no boundaries, and eventually snapping back at them. I've really taken control of my mental and physical health this past year all the while keeping good people around me. This weird part of my brain just wants to be able to share it with someone, even though I know I'm not ready, but I know I have a lot to offer.

Serious question- could you be so busy showing up for others that you don't take enough time to deal with traumas of the past?

I know that's super deep and it's probably unfair; we all get through these breakups however we can.  And the advice here is always the same....get out there, find some hobbies, stay busy, exercise more, etc.  It's great advice for getting through it at first, but at some point it also becomes a routine of focusing on anything but yourself.

Don't get me wrong; it's fantastic you show up for others!  Just remember that doing well financially, socially, and physically aren't the same as doing well mentally.  That voice in your head saying, "I'm not ready" is coming from somewhere and it feels like in some ways you're short-changing yourself.

I think what we go through there is always going to be an element of not trusting as freely as we did before. That’s no bad thing, trust needs to be earned right!

In my previous relationship I was never jealous. I trusted her, when in reality I shouldn’t have. I was cheated on in the past by her and she didn’t really show that much accountability or remorse. It toughens you, and makes you more cautious.

You have to feel happy within yourself. Your feelings are your responsibility and being in love with someone shouldn’t be the thing that defines your happiness, it’s just an added bonus when you do meet the right person and fall in love.

And absolutely no rush. I dated a girl 3 months after my 27 year relationship. It was ok but I wasn’t ready and I guess she knew that and broke things off after a month. I still hear from her once every 6 months or so, two years later. The relationship I am in now started 16 months after my initial breakup and is great, but I got to know her for over a year before we started seeing each other so know that she is nothing like my ex and far more mentally stable.