We are all humans and if someone is being verbally and emotionally abusive- eventually, we feel pushed over the edge. When we react, we do it to somehow get the other person to stop, or see the impact this has on us and feel motivated to stop, or sometimes if we've resisted reacting, we just can't in the moment.
I had been living away from home for quite some time, and while I did continue to see my parents, during this time, I spent more time staying with them and so experienced more of BPD mother's behavior than before. Seeing this dynamic from an adult perspective, I learned that it didn't do any good and in fact, would mostly be hurtful to me to do it.
For BPD mother, it did feel hurtful in the moment, but her response to feeling that way was to dissociate and project it outward. So she didn't learn from her behavior, and it didn't change anything. I think our reasons to not do this may come from not wanting to hurt the other person, but at this point, I realized that doing this would be hurtful to me too.
In fact, when BPD mother was being hurtful to someone else, sometimes if they reacted to that, she'd be bewildered and think they were hurting her instead. Sometimes she was deliberately hurtful on purpose but other times, she didn't connect her behavior to how someone else reacted. She was overwhelmed with her own feelings. Other people's feelings were not in her perception.
I think another reason we express anger and hurt to someone is because we are invested in the relationship. We want them to see that what they are doing isn't helpful to the relationship. We want to find some way to reconcile. Seeing that this also didn't help achieve that, I didn't see any reason to do it.
It's not wrong to feel anger or hurt. They are legitimate feelings. However, we can choose how to respond to that, and for me, it was keeping some boundaries. They may not have been the same as some in a romantic relationship but I think the general idea- if we feel that way- we need to be able to calm down and then decide how to respond fits all relationships.



