Hi All. Sorry for another post so quickly. I know you all have problems of your own and I feel bad for even coming here again. I just want to swing something past you to check myself on something. Family therapy. Abbreviated back story is that I've been not only open to it for years, but have been the one pushing for it. The ongoing problem has been that my daughter refuses to adhere to basic rules of communication that keep the space safe for everyone and ensure that the general environment is conducive to healing and collective problem solving.... the purpose of family therapy. Going back years prior to her diagnosis, various therapists clearly established the "rules", and the importance of those rules were underscored in DBT sessions. Nonetheless, to date, my daughter won't even acknowledge that there should be rules of communication that apply to her, and she NEVER adheres to them in "therapy", so nothing can even begin to get resolved. It ends up being just another opportunity for her to come after me verbally.

Most recently we've been working with a so called family therapist online through a platform called Grow Therapy. After many sessions starting and continuing the same way....with my daughter using foul language, elevated tone and volume, and no sign of being there for any purpose other than to blame and dodge any personal accountability for anything, I started to not make these sessions a priority. The past couple sessions I didn't attend due to having other things scheduled, and my daughter took them alone. So late this afternoon I got a call from my daughter. I answered and she asked in a hostile tone if I was going to get on the therapy session, which I didn't even know was scheduled. She's technically the client. I calmly told her I would, and asked her to send me the link. So...... after I logged on, I just sat there. I didn't say a word, waiting for my daughter or the therapist to talk first. After a brief silence by all of us, the therapist said "okay, so I don't know how either one of you would like to start?" or something like that. Immediately my daughter started yelling, using foul language, and was demanding that I provide her with some answers pertaining to my reaction to her pregnancy. She wasn't even posing anything as a question. It was a "how dare you say this", "who do you think you are" kind of thing. So..... I sat there silently for a minute as the punching bag session started and then calmly interjected telling the therapist that I would be discontinuing the session. With that representation my daughter escallated to an immediate wail of a cry, saying "NO!!!!!", but I just ended the call the logged off. So far I haven't heard back from her, except to say via text that my not staying on the call only "proved" that I don't want to be "accountable". I haven't responded to that text.

So there's a couple things here from my perspective. First, this particular  "therapist" has never once intervened in toxic communications that are clearly the "norm" and can be nothing but counterproductive to any kind of relationship therapy , BPD aside. Not once has she attempted to take control in a session when it's clearly not "therapeutic" to anyone. She has never tried to lay down some "rules", although my daughter has been versed in them many times before, over many years by other therapists. It's like as long as my daughter keeps booking appointments and the therapist is getting her paycheck (which at this point comes from Medicaid), she's just going to keep showing up and doing/saying nothing but watching someone be out of control. I really have no respect for that. Secondly, I have shown my daughter over the course of many years that I want to address any issues she has with me, and given that this can never happen 1 on 1, I've kept trying the "family therapy" route with her. She has been informed by me many times over the past year or so especially that I would not participate unless she adheres to some rules that apply to both of us. This is not the first time I calmly discontinued a call.

I'm trying to hold to a healthy boundary for her good as well as my own. If abusive communications shouldn't be tolerated, why would that go out the window because she books a "therapy" session? Especially when the therapist doesn't have any competency with BPD and exhibits that she's not even trying to control of the session. Please let me know if any of you see this differently and if I'm off base with something. All circumstances considered, should I have stayed on the call or at least stayed on longer? Should I have said something more than I did? Any thoughts are appreciated.

Hi Pastaforever ,

I'm going through old messages that didn't get a reply.

I'm afraid that this board is not appropriate for those with a BPD diagnosis, since it could have triggering content. However, you said you have been in remission for a few years, after a 7-year treatment, right? So I'm not sure...

Your question about "how much gender affects bpd" suggests this is an opposite-sex relationship? I'm guessing the general aspects of men apply here. Men are less communicative and have more difficulty letting go of their emotions. Therefore, they could have more anger issues but at the same time would be more fearful of the consequences, because they could easily end up in jail.

How have things been going since you posted?

Hi LosAngelesHope and welcome to the family !

Sorry that your message hasn't been answered yet.

We are in the same boat. I'm not aware of such a group, but like you, I have also thought about it. Did you find any?

In case you just want more privacy, the BPD family message board allows members to exchange private messages. Feel free to check my profile and message me if you wish.

 

Thanks so much for the reply. I think the fact it's been five months and we've had two weeks apart the best thing I could do is to use the space to let this relationship pass. I feel she may have quiet BPD but nonetheless I fear our relationship would just get worse over time and not stabilise

Hi nancyjade , and welcome to the family !

I'm sorry that your thread hasn't been answered yet.

Yes, this sounds like BPD. From what you wrote, I can't say if she would be positively diagnosed, but I do see BPD traits. So I'm pretty sure you need to deal with her in a particularly careful way, which is well summarized in the BPDFamily tools section.

Don't expect normal responses and reactions from her. If you present negative emotions to her, she will get triggered, and that can go bad. Even neutral expressions can be interpreted as negative, because she is on high alert.

But be aware that the good days were part of the initial love bombing and idealization stage. If you think it is worth trying and you both get to keep up this relationship, be prepared to face many more difficulties. One way to take it easy is to avoid too much closeness and avoid the enmeshment.

Side note: BPD is not an excuse for unfaithfulness.

Good luck.

Hi ChoosingPeace. I was wanting to meet the bf's parents before my daughter dropped the news, but it never happened. I mentioned it one night that my daughter and her bf came over to the house. He seemed very open to it and said that he was sure his dad would like that. He even mentioned it to before they left. Alas, no plans to get together were ever made, and I'm certain that's due to my daughter. My take is that she presents herself one way to people who don't really know her, and she always wants to keep control of a running narrative. I've seen this with peers and adults alike, always villianizing me as I'm showing in every way that I'm yhere for her, willing to share in her load, and doing everything possible (too much) to try to make an abnormal situation normal again. So as far as trying to get a hold of his dad or stepmom, I really don't think the timing is right and it would likely cause her to unravel more, which benefits no one. Last night, she called and began to escallate verbally so I hung up the phone. She tried to call me back a couple times but I didn't answer. Then I got a call from a number labeled with her bf's name, which I did answer. It was her again. I'm very surprised that she called me from his phone because in doing so she provided me with a way to get a hold of him if I choose to do that.... I didn't have his number before. Unless she erased my number from his phone after calling me, he now has mine. With her being about 8 weeks along, there is still plenty of time for things to evolve, and I don't see any reason so I see no reason to try to reach out to any of them. Her bf knows that I wanted to meet his parents and he's been around me several times. He sees how she is behaving and hears the things she says to me---- she called me a C word from his phone! I'm pretty confident that he's engaged enough with me personally to gauge what kind of person I am, and that he'll be starting to raise an eyebrow at how my daughter continues to cope with was a less than enthusiastic response to her pregnancy, two weeks ago. I figure he or hid dad will reach out to me if they get in over their heads with her in this evolving situation, and if that happens, I really don't know I can your should tell them.

Hello,
I am not sure whether or not my adult daughter has bpd or not as she has not been formally diagnosed. However, I’ve been in Counceling for the past year (just one of many times) because of the turbulent, conflict ridden relationship I have with my adult daughter, who will be 37 this year in May. My counselor feels that I might benefit from reading others posts and sharing my experience in order to gain a better understanding of what she feels I am probably dealing with in order to cut through the confusion. Currently I am being given the silent treatment as a result of being blamed for an argument between she and her brother, which I had nothing to do with. I’ve been in shock that I’ve landed here yet again for something I didn’t do. It’s been a month. This time last year the silence lasted  3 months. She is the eldest of 3 and my only daughter. Although I
am the one to have always come to her rescue, nothing I do is
ever enough to earn her respect, understanding or empathy.  I am her emotional punching bag. If I try to present a perspective that differs from hers, I’m accused of gaslighting her, and she hates that (her words). I am the one to blame in just about any scenario and she is always the victim. She has been verbally abusive and threatens our relationship whenever we disagree-jumping to conclusions, mind reading, judge, jury and executioner. She ticks most of the boxes for bpd-and I am not the only one she has struggled to maintain a relationship with. She’s been on the “outs” at one time or another with every family member and her friends. However, from what I’ve read, bpd seems to cycle fairly rapidly whereas her anger episodes can last months-she really holds onto a grudge. She rarely, if ever is wrong and apologizes, she simply gets over it. The running “joke” in the family has been “if she isn’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” and she laughs about it. We’ve all grown accustomed to walking on eggshells. She was told by a councilor once that they suspected she has adult adhd and recommended she see a Psychiatrist to get an evaluation, but she doesn’t have insurance (by choice) so she’s determined that she does, in fact, have it and that’s that. I’ve read that both bipolar disorder and bpd frequently co-occur alongside adhd-I’m just confused as to which one I am dealing with and how best to handle my relationship with her moving forward. Since she was a teenager she was very sensitive and reactionary emotionally and had difficulty controlling her anger, but I thought she was just a hormonal teenager. She was always the first to lash out and desire to punish or get even. She will never take hearing from me that I suspect a mental health disorder well.  What can I do to help her or at the very least avoid triggering her? Thanks in advance for “listening “ and sharing your thoughts.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do as a mother. We want to believe we can help them or fix them, but the truth is they can only help themselves. I had to finally admit that I was only enabling the behavior and it will continue as long as I allowed it. I pray that by stepping away and letting her truly come to the end of herself she will one day finally be honest with herself and everyone around her and choose to heal and repair.

For now, I will focus on what I can control and work on healing myself. It feels selfish, but the alternative is to participate in my own and her destruction and delusions. I choose to live in truth and peace and hope someday she will choose the same.

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Hello and welcome back!

I've had this happen a few times in the past, maybe not BPD related, but someone from my past would linger just enough to where I couldn't completely let them go.  You have to physically move on though and cut those ties if they're too much to deal with.

If you've struggled with alcohol problems and lost several friends because of it, that's honestly the larger issue at hand.  And if your current friends wouldn't want to hear about this, then they're not exactly friends either.  It might be time to move on from there as well.

To change your life, you need to change people, places, and things.  Don't hang out with people that are doing things that get you in trouble.  Don't go to places where those types of people are.  And don't hang onto things that remind you of those people.  A fresh start moves all of that out of your life 

It is hard I am lonely and I haven't moved on so those sporadic messages seem like all I have combined with the hope she'll want to see me. I'm trying to move on though. I also have been taking care of myself I don't drink anymore and replaced it with exercise. I made some goals I want to accomplish this year, but her presence looms over my head.

That sounds familiar.  I didn't live with my adult BPD stepdaughter until she was college-age, so I didn't experience her upbringing, but her dad tells me she was a very fussy child.  As she grew into young adult, your description rings true:  very sensitive, moody . . . but could never say what was wrong . . . and then she'd seem to make up stories to fit her feelings.  She had seemingly unending needs; sometimes I felt I was living with a newborn!  Geesh, I couldn't even enjoy a weekend away with my husband, without having to cut it short and run back home early because of the pwBPD's crisis du jour.  

Like your daughter, I suspect my stepdaughter might have been bullied at school sometimes, but then again, ever since I started living with her, it became clear to me that SHE was the bully.  My sense was that she felt aggrieved by others when no offense was even intended.  She held grudges and blew things way out of proportion.  Worse, she'd react by lashing out, making HER the bully.  You see, when she spoke about her so-called friends bullying her, she left out important details, such as her role in instigating a conflict, which I'd sometimes learn about much later.  The sad result was that she lost all her friends, even her bestie from middle school.  She was alienated from every last family member, making an exception for her dad and me, only because she needed a place to live.

I understand some of the regret, because bending over backwards for the adult child with BPD usually means making sacrifices in your own life, and attention away from the other kids who are behaving.  It becomes a perverse family dynamic, where bad behavior is rewarded with attention, money and resources, and good behavior gets leftovers.  I too feel some resentment--the holidays marred by meltdowns, cancelled/interrupted vacations, messy living quarters, huge financial strain, marital strife, living as if in a passive-aggressive war zone--which probably could have been completely avoided if she'd just leave (and not be allowed back in the house).  Even when she's not around, my heart stops every time the phone rings at night, bracing myself for some bad news.

It's not easy for a parent to let her go and do whatever she wants, because she is suffering, and parents want to help.  The thing is, I think the parents do all the trying, when the pwBPD, if untreated, has basically given up.  So parental efforts to "fix" and "save" her are doomed to fail.  The irony is, my stepdaughter insists all the time that she's an adult, she can do whatever she wants, and I want to say, FINE, you do that (and don't come to me asking for more money or help).  But in her world, her incentives are all mixed up.  She makes the decisions, but her dad bears any adverse consequences.  That has to stop, or we'll be destroyed, because an untreated pwBPD knows no limits.  We have to be the ones with limits (boundaries).