I completely disagree...enabling is not about her growing, it's about her being enabled to take six hour naps and ignore the kids because she knows you'll get them if she doesn't show.  The same goes for dinner, and holding a job, and everything else in her life.  If you're doing it for her, with her, in spite of her, etc, then you're enabling her to not do those things for herself or her family.

If you split up, she'll have to pay her own bills, make her own money, drive the kids to school and back, plus make her own meals.  If she doesn't do any of those things, she will not have custody of the kids.  And as others have said, maybe she gets alimony and/or child support.  That won't continue though if she can't function as an adult.  There are basic standards of care she must provide to be in compliance with the courts.

If you were to separate, she would have to make choices on her own.  Maybe she moves in with the girlfriend and just lives off her...that's the easy route for now.  But how long would that last?  My guess is that it would wear out fairly quick.  Eventually she would have to grow up.

You mentioned that if you don't cook dinner, she has trouble feeding herself.  Okay.  Eventually she will get hungry enough to get something to eat.

I'm not saying to end the marriage or stop doing things for her; I simply want you to see that she will not change as long as you're doing everything for her and she doesn't HAVE TO change.  The only way she changes is if there's something to gain, like getting something to eat or convincing the courts that she can pick up kids and feed them.

For a person without a PD, maybe this is true.  For my W, she was 37 when we met and she had a lifetime of bad decisions, getting fired from jobs, and failed relationships to learn from.  She never did, and I no longer have any expectation that she ever will.  Enabling only happens if my behavior has any effect on her ability to learn and grow.  She lacks that ability.  Cooking dinner for the family does not enable her to not cook dinner for herself.  She had difficulties feeding herself before we met and will have the same difficulties if we separate.  This lack of ability to care for herself is in no way caused by me or enabled by me because no matter what I do or don't do, the outcome is the same.  The reason to not cook dinner for the family would be to not expend my energy or resources to my own detriment.  Me providing a stable income and place to live is not enabling her not to work.  She couldn't hold a job before I met her, and she won't have a stable job if we split up. 

The relationship with the current GF will be no different than the relationship with me or the numerous relationships before me because she is incapable of learning, and incapable of the introspection it takes to learn.  Me sticking with the relationship for this long has not enabled her poor relationship skills.  Had things ended with me after a year, she would have jumped to the next relationship, and the one after that, and the one after that.... The only thing it has done is temporarily arrested her mal-adaptive coping strategies. 

This is my main issue with the idea of "codependency" because it implies "fixing".  One implication is that doing things for others prevents them from doing for themselves and they never learn.  The other implication is that choosing *not* to do these things will "fix" the problem.  This may be true with children, but not for other adults. 

The real issue is when you think your actions can change another person for better or for worse and you expect that change.  That's where I see the failure - too many people expecting someone to change if they change *their* behaviors.  That's a fool's bet.  Example:  Yesterday, W somehow "overslept" on a 6 hour midday nap and didn't pick the kids up from school on time.  Will she learn?  NOPE.  Will be calling to make sure she is awake change things?  NOPE.  But, I can choose to pick the kids up myself.  That's not doing things for her that she can do for herself, that's me making sure my kids don't have to wait in the office after school.  Even getting upset about it with her does me or the kids no good.  She's simply not capable of changing her behavior. 

I no longer have any expectation of my W changing, not matter what action I take.  Divorce?  she won't change.  It won't force her to be a more responsible mother.  Her having her own place won't change her.  Having a girlfriend won't change her.  Moving someplace else won't change her. 

In a sense, it is selfish on my part.  I recognize that my behaviors have no impact on her behavior positive or negative.  I'm only making decisions for me or the kids.  And right now, my decision to reduce my stress is remove all expectation of her being a kind partner or responsible mother.     Take care of myself.  And sometimes, that means doing things for her that a healthy adult can do for themselves.  Such as food.  Grocery shopping benefits me and the kids.  It also benefits her.  Some with doing the laundry.  Me doing the laundry could be seen as me enabling her.  But I am not going to avoid washing her clothes when I am washing the kids' clothes because it would not make me feel good about myself.  But the kids need clean clothes to wear, and right now W simply is not doing it. 

I've been in groups where for some people, little progress was made. Maybe it  was luck, because I met someone who sponsored me and it did help me improve- a "way out" is with our own behavior changes. She was actually tough- and turned the mirror on me sometimes. It wasn't comfortable. For FOO issues, we don't always see it, it's been our "normal". It helped to have someone do this. I don't know if you mainly went to meetings or did the one on one with a sponsor. Going to meetings only isn't as effective. I haven't met anyone quite like my sponsor since, and have been to meetings that didn't seem to help as much so it probably can vary from group to group.

I also agree with the frog in the pot/Stockholm concept as an aspect of the relationship. I think it is a double dynamic. The pwBPD's behaviors are reinforced by enabling, they don't progress and the behvaviors can increase. The "frog" gets accustomed to the temporary relief of appeasing and this is also reinforcing.

Since this is working for both of you, this pattern persists. The emotional "cost" of not appeasing, and dealing with the pwBPD's reaction is high- like your comparison of buying a new car. It's a lot up front, and so fixing the old one is more doable in the short run, but it may not run well for the long run.

For me at one point, during my father's illness, the situation with BPD mother escalated to the point where I could not go along with it and continue appeasing her. This shift in dynamics resulted in a huge reaction from her, and my father aligned with her. I did "hit bottom" to the point where I didn't care what label, or what advice from a therapist, I'd just do it, because I just didn't know what else to do.

Another motivation was seeing the long term outcome of these dynamics- the frog in the pot/Stockholm part, on both my parents. Dad just gave in. BPD mother was demanding and entitled.

I think though, every person's experience and perspective on these situations is different and that discussing it isn't the same as someone else's experience in real time. People make the choices that work for them. I can also see why for some people, the 12 step groups may not work. People from all walks of life come into them and it's a lay group. Perhaps I it was luck with the one I went to.

Well, the roller coaster has continued.  Last week we hit an all time "high", he took me out on a date and was the amazing man I know he can be (and in doing so, I learned a couple of things that he wants from me, like randomly just showing up at his house) and less than a week later we are at a low that is lower than the regular off day to day but not anything that I haven't seen lately, he is screaming at me, accusing me of having a million affairs, cornering our 2 younger kids to interrogate them about all of these supposed affairs and yelling at our 8 year old when he tells his dad that he (his dad) is lying and not telling the truth about mom, freaking out that our 8 year old has friends that he wants to hang out with (of course for this to happen I have to be having an affair with the dad right!), not allowing the babysitter to pick our 5 year old up from school as "he doesn't have enough time with her" (I have offered it before and in the past he said he was too busy at work to do so) even though the 5 year old wouldn't stop crying when he said that he was doing so, not believing me when our daughter had the stomach flu and came over maybe 8 hours after I told him she was sick and he insisted that they go out on a walk...our 8 year old son now has this and my uBPDh is home with him and I am so close to saying, "why don't you take him out on a walk, since you insisted that that was what would make our 5 year old feel better"...after she had thrown up for the last 10 hours...but I am trying with everything I have to not be vindictive.  I am struggling the most with how he is treating our younger 2 kids.  I know that this is an extinction burst because I have not let him get to me, I actually have been doing really well.  Kids are happy and busy, the kids and I have taken a couple of vacations just us, we are able to ignore his everyday crap, I have picked up work so that I am working just about full time (which was a complaint of his that he used to use often (now I'm sure it will be that I work too much)), I am doing well at taking care of the house pretty much all by myself, I am working out, my kids are pretty much killing it in school and sports, etc.  Essentially the kids and I are doing great...until he unleashes his furry and now he has all of us "walking on eggshells"!  But I don't want to any more!  I see how outrageous he is being, and so do my kids...I'm just not sure how to ignore it when it gets so over the top...and he won't leave my house or our kids!  I am trying to respond with love and ignore his crazy making texts and comments.  But...what do I do about my kids...when they tell me why they don't want to go over to dad's when he is acting like this and its because he interrogates them, yells at them and trys to get them to believe his crazy narrative, I feel like something needs to be done!  Is this something that I can take to a school counselor, or what do I do? 

She hasn't made any progress.  If anything, no progress means backwards progress.  I'm recognizing that with BPD, changing jobs, partners, hobbies, hair styles, or whatever is a means of remaining functional.  In W's past, she could change jobs, partners, friends, whatever and it was like starting new and she would be functional for a while.  Being with me for 13 years means she has alienated me, my family, and has basically made herself un-hirable in her profession due to reputation.

Your comment about Codependency is interesting.  Three are FOO issues at play here, but much of that is really only an issue because I am dealing with a pwBPD.  These issues don't show up elsewhere in my life.  I have been involved quite a bit with Alanon over the years, and nearly everyone there eventually concludes they are "co-dependent".  I disagree with this characterization as a vast oversimplification of complex and unique problems and is more likely that people who conclude this are looking for some kind of "diagnosis" or explanation or comfort.  My understanding is that the term stems from one therapist in relation to addiction situations to describe the role of the family.  It is often portrayed as being "addicted to the addict", hence the term implying that one is somehow dependent on the other person to function.  From my personal experience and from what I have learned from others claiming to be codependent, I think this is a poor characterization, because almost none of them want to "fix" anyone, and certainly don't welcome the drama.  I think the "frog in the boiling water" or stockholm syndrome are better descriptors here as most eventually recognize a problem, but the way out is unclear.  That's probably where FOO comes in - we make choices that are familiar or out of desperation or other basic emotion.  That is probably my issue here, too, that I make choices based upon what is familiar to me, or that is the easiest path at any given time. 

Example:  You have an old car with issues.  It needs new brakes and an alternator, but if those were fixed it could drive another year.  Really, you need a new car, but your bank account is empty and dealing with a car dealership and banks are stressful.  I feel my situation the past 13 years has been the same.  I recognize the problem but kept telling myself the problem was manageable.  Part of that is from my FOO with many family members dealing with difficult relationships, and part of that was my desire to have kids gave me more of an incentive to try.  The last 8 years has been me making decisions for the short term, over and over, and having the interests of the kids as a top priority.

I agree with Notwendy here.

Writing out some disturbing thoughts in a diary is one thing, but actually making real threats and getting suspended from school multiple times is a whole other level.  It's another level because he's acting out, involving other parties (schoolmates, teachers, police) and being violent. Violence in my opinion is a red line deserving intervention.  And, like Notwendy states, his acting out is impacting his education, which could have long-term adverse consequences.

I still think it's a cry for help, and it should be heeded, especially now, when you're responsible for him.  Once he's 18, there's not as much you can do without his consent.

Just my two cents.

I'll try to give some possible explanations drawing from what I know about BPD, the ideas in the book "Controlling People", and the example I have with my BPD mother. This isn't to blame anyone but to examine some reasons and dynamics.

People with BPD tend to perceive themselves as victims. PwBPD have difficulty with uncomfortable emotions, and one of the hardest ones for them is shame. In victim perspective, victims aren't accountable. Issues are someone else's fault. This avoids shame. The example of your ex berating himself for not sending flowers- in a way, victimizing himself- being so hurt- was his way of absolving himself. Surely you would have compassion for him, rather than for him feeling he should have taken action.

The passivity in not taking initiative at realizing the moving in is temporary. He's dependent on you in terms of his living situation. He doesn't want to leave. By making you ask him to leave, you are the "bad guy" here and he would be victim, rather than to feel shame about depending on you.

One could also see these behaviors as somewhat manipulative.

One reason for people being controlling is that it helps handle anxiety. My BPD mother had very disabling anxiety and one way she managed that was to be controlling. She also was dependent in ways but to avoid feeling shame about that, she'd order people around. If everyone was predictable and under her control, she felt less anxious. However, to most people, this wasn't tolerable.

If people didn't do what she wanted, she'd react with angry rages. That we were fearful of upsetting her gave her control. So she learned that this was a way to control people with her anger, or, also her being very nice at times. She was manipulative but this wasn't about an evil or abusive motive, it was driven by her anxiety and her BPD. Still, the effect was the same- scary rages, verbal abuse. It was abusive- whatever her reasons or motives were. These relationships also can include a person being nice too. It's not all one way.

In these relationship dynamics, both people are controlling in their own way. When we are afraid of speaking up, or if we are walking on eggshells, in order to avoid the other person reacting- we are also controlling their emotions and reactions. This forms a double reinforcing situation. The pwBPD learns that their anger meets their needs in a way and the person who is enabling or walking on eggshells learns that this helps them avoid the pwBPD's reactions.

The book "Controlling People" does not specifically address BPD but it gives a model for the dynamic. The controlling person- whether emotionally wounded in childhood or disordered, turns to an imaginary emotional support  which the author calls a "Teddy" like a Teddy bear is to a child, or possibly a real Teddy or toy during childhood. They attribute characterstics to the Teddy- Teddy does what they say, Teddy is there to soothe them. One could compare this to the idealization phase in a relationship with a pwBPD. Initually, to the pwBPD- this is the ideal person to solve their feelings, always loving, always attentive, always agreeing.

However, humans aren't Teddy's. Eventually a human has needs, or speaks up, or may say something the person doesn't like, or makes a mistake. At this point, the controlling person relives their wound, the Teddy has failed them. Bad Teddy- and the rage and anger comes out. Teddy must behave and get back into being Teddy.

This is not about blame, it's about identifying hurtful behavior, for our own selves. Your ex sounds like he has some emotional hurts, prior to meeting you. We can't repair these for anyone. They'd have to go through their own therapy to do so if they were willing. I think what is most helpful to you in identifying these behaviors is to not get into another similar relationship and be able to seek out people who will treat you decently.

OK, I have a few observations here.

First, the issue isn't really about flowers, though the flowers could be a symbol, a trigger.  I think an issue could be that you aren't meeting your man's expectations, perhaps with gratitude, attention, physical affection or stroking his ego.  With BPD, expectations tend to be majorly unrealistic, and thus he's constantly set up for disappointment, and when he's disappointed, he spirals.

I'm reminded of a scene from the movie, The Breakup.  A woman is getting ready to host a fancy dinner with her family, and all she asked was for her boyfriend to bring home a dozen lemons for a centerpiece.  He brought her lemons, but only a few (not enough for a centerpiece), and he proceeded to sit on the couch to unwind after work.  He thought she was upset over some stupid lemons, and that she was nitpicking.  Perhaps she was nitpicking (she could had made a centerpiece out of the lemons and some other fruit), but what she was really upset about was the general lack of support from her boyfriend, while the boyfriend thought he was being supportive by working all day and attending the dinner with his girlfriend's weird family.  My point is, the argument wasn't merely about lemons, it was about feeling unsupported by the romantic partner.  The thing is though, perhaps unlike someone with BPD, the girlfriend didn't have a total meltdown, but she went ahead and hosted the family dinner.  With BPD, I would imagine a total meltdown, maybe breaking some dishes, out-of-control shouting, storming off, maybe making a threat of suicide, and ruining the dinner completely.

And now the issue of moving in with you.  I think that with BPD, any promises made are probably made with the right intentions, but they are based mostly on the feelings of the moment.  Maybe it's easy to make promises when everything seems hunky-dory right now.  But I think that pwBPD can confuse intentions with the realities of execution.  They tend to discount future efforts, while placing most of the focus on immediate gratification.  So moving in with you might seem like a great idea:  closeness, avoiding being alone, you're the one paying the rent, you solve his immediate housing problem.  He "discounts" the reality that he'll have to work to earn income, find a place for himself, fend for himself and do the heavy lifting of actually moving out.  Since the stress of all that is probably overwhelming to him, he copes by avoiding it.  He'll put it off as long as possible.  In my experience, pwBPD can carry a huge emotional burden when it comes to executing on mundane, everyday things, like making a plan to check out apartments, sign a lease, apply for jobs or pay some bills.  Their tolerance for distress tends to be very low.  To cope, I think they tend to rely on others to take care of them, while at the same time, they tend to blame others for their problems.  They can concoct a convoluted victim narrative as an excuse for not executing on their plans--and they might deny they ever made any promises in the first place.  Basically it's your fault he's acting the way he is.  Sound familiar?  I think that's typical of BPD.

Okay, I'm following along and see where that would be so difficult.

For mom's part, I think it's natural for moms to want their kids to visit more and it's also normal for them to continue doing laundry or other things like that to ensure the kids return home often.  It's your son's choice though and I also think it's pretty normal for moms to get upset and want to pull back some in the help department.

Now, how your wife reacts around the house may not be "normal mom stuff", so please don't take that the wrong way.  I'm just saying that wanting to pull back support for a kid that's not visiting home enough is pretty standard.

For your part, I do think you need to realize that mom is not okay, she misses her kid.  You obviously know she's not okay, but affirming that to her can go a long way.  "I wish he was here more as well," types of stuff.  Or, "I agree, if he's not coming around as often, you shouldn't do his laundry for him."

Now, maybe mom is not acting sad...you said the word "intense" and that makes me believe it was something else.  But at the root of all that, you also know that the intensity is coming from missing your kid.  So lean into that part and be an actual ally since you probably feel that too.  I know that's not what she's asking for, but it's what she mentally needs and her intensity is coming from not knowing how to handle what she feels.  So you soothe those emotions when they appear.

Why?  Because if she's out of control around the house and you're doing everything you can to avoid her temper tantrums, then she's missing her son and she can't understand why her husband is withdrawing.  Again, she's not saying anything like that, because BPDs are lousy over talking out their feelings in a productive way.  So you have to sort of "bridge the gap" between what she's ranting over and what's actually wrong to help her get her emotions under control.

Should you have told her about the train ticket?  Probably not, at least not before she calmed down some and could have a productive conversation.  If it were me, I would have told your son not to mention it to mom quite yet.  But that's okay.