What I have read is that a pairing between a pwBPD and one with NPD tends to be dramatic, and less stable and that the more long lasting pairing is with a pwBPD and a partner with enabling/co-dependent traits. That doesn't mean it isn't a difficult relationship but that it tends to last longer.

I think autism isn't addressed as much due to the more recent awareness of high functioning - Level 1 autism. Someone who is more severely on the spectrum, I think would be less likely to pair up with someone due to the social skill demands. However people with higher functioning can maintain relationships, sometimes it takes some effort. I also think they are less likely to be identified due to being able to "mask" or compensate in a social setting.

I can't be certain about any posters but I think I have seen examples of all three on the board- due to the situations they are concerned about. Most don't use a specific label. I think the most common situation is the partner who has been walking on eggshells and is looking for another solution. Many do not believe that the term "co-dependent" fits them but they do say they have been walking on eggshells and compensating for their BPD partner.

Some posters have idenfied as being on the spectrum. I think more information will come out about this pairing. I have wondered if perhaps my father had autistic traits. He eventually also was enabling but I wonder if that was an adaptation to the relationship with my BPD mother. I didn't ever consider he might be somewhat on the spectrum, before the information of high functioning ASD was available. He would not have been indenfied in this time.

He had a "brainy" edge to him and while I saw him as being sociable, but thinking about it, it was mostly with his like minded peers. He didn't share other interests like sports, or other hobbies one thinks of as "with the guys". However, I also think his free time for that was limited as my BPD mother's emotional needs were high and he also took on most of the parenting role at home.

Personally, I think people on the ASD spectrum have unique skills and these may be their focus. Not everyone needs to be very social, and so if that is not their focus, they may not pick up on some red flags, as you described?


BPD mother's skill set was her social savvy and charm, something someone on the spectrum may not be so skilled at. She could be manipulative. I think someone on the spectrum might not pick up on some of these subtle signs when first meeting her. But also not many people did at first, whether or not on the spectrum. I don't believe he had any idea of her issues when they got married, but others on this board didn't see issues at the beginning either.

Hi Horselover, thank you so much for your message and thoughts. I think why I feel this massive guilt is because I had given her hope, told her that I will get there, and my fawning continued without ever moving forward. I know that my fawning was supposed to be protective when I was young, but as an adult, I feel so much anger at myself, that I let things go on this way and created so much damage. My therapist has repeated this to me as well ("she could have left"), but she has said to me that she wanted to have a life with me, imagined having children with me, didn't want to be with anyone else. Essentially, she kept forgiving me for the many missed deadlines and ultimatums because of the fact that she wanted to be with me, and that just breaks my heart thinking about it all now.


I'm so sorry to hear you are going through these things yourself from the other side. I hadn't realized that it could also go the other way. I imagined that partners of someone dealing with BPD are the ones having doubts. I'm relieved to read that you do not see yourself as a victim, even though I can imagine how hard it has been for you. My partner definitely sees herself as a victim, that I've taken away her chances at the life she wanted to have, and has said as much, even this evening, when I tried to express some thoughts about "not being ready." She broke down and decided to go stay with family in another city.

Sitting here alone now, in the apartment, looking around at all the memories and elements from our life together, I realize that I do miss her terribly in this moment, especially when I sense that this could be nearing an end to the relationship. I don't know why I don't always feel this way in other moments. I start to think that I've been rather foolish, that I've been perhaps sabotaging things unnecessarily. But I also do realize that it's important to have a moment to regulate myself and try to think clearly.

Thank you again for message and your kindness. I wish you plenty of healing as well along your journey with your husband.

Joy, I know it hurts not to be in touch with your daughter.  When you write she had a challenging relationship with your husband, I take it that he's her stepdad, not her "real" dad, correct?  That right there explains a lot to me.  Assuming I've got that right, I'll venture another guess, which is that your daughter never accepted that you remarried, probably because she wanted 100% of your attention for herself.  She couldn't comprehend that you wanted to move on, enjoy the stability of a healthy marriage, find companionship and love with a true partner.  What's more, she doesn't embrace change, because change usually means growth, complex relationships, more responsibilities--all of which seem scary and completely overwhelming to her.  Deep down she wants to retain her "toddler" status, when she got everyone's attention and had all her needs taken care of.  Any threat of change made her anxious, resentful, fearful of the future.  Let me guess some more:  she acted out, created chaos in the household, resented you for remarrying, tried to punish you every way she could think of.  Maybe she "regressed" and became really clingy, literally trying to use herself as a physical and emotional wedge between you and your husband.  Did she have a meltdown at the wedding?  How about at Thanksgiving and Christmas, ruining it for the family?  Did she refuse to do anything with (or for) stepdad?  Did she ignore anything he said, no matter how nice he had been to her over the years?  Did she give him the silent treatment whenever she didn't get her way?  Or maybe she threw tantrums until you both relented?  Did she treat him like an ATM but nothing more?  If my guesses are on target, it's because I lived through something similar.

Yet I think it's actuallly pretty awesome if your daughter is having some success at "adulting."  If she's supporting herself somewhat and carving out an adult's life for herself, I think that shows you did a whole lot right.  Sure, she feels she has to maintain the "I had an abusive childhood" (aka victim narrative) to convince herself that her family is causing her all sorts of problems.  But, if in spite of all that negative thinking and victim attitude, she's still functioning in the real world, that is something to be joyful about.  That's a main goal of parenting:  preparing your kid to funcion independently in the real world.  That's wonderful.

Deep down, I suspect your daughter feels shameful.  She might regret acting poorly and making some bad choices.  Most of all, she might think that you are ashamed of her, and that might be why it's so hard to reconnect with you.  She might be secretly jealous that you have everything (good looks, a loving husband, a nice home, kids, maybe a good career too), whereas she thinks she has nothing, and it's just not FAIR.  She's might feel like every day is a struggle, whereas she thinks other people have it so easy.  She just can't be happy for you (or anyone else) until she's happy with herself.  My guess is that once she's feeling more established as an adult--she finds a steady boyfriend, she gets a job she likes--she'll have a better sense of who she is and where she's going, and she can start to let go of some of the ancient grievances and negativity.  She'll embrace an identity as a functioning adult, not an aggrieved/abused child.  At least that is what I would hope.

In the meantime, I guess I'd advise that you should model for your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes taking care of yourself, as well as not fretting about things you have no control over.  It means you enjoy your life with your husband, you pursue your hobbies, and you spend times with your friends.  If your daughter doesn't want to spend time with you, that's her choice and her loss.  But try to give her the benefit of the doubt--she's just not ready to repair the relationship with you yet, because she's working on herself and doing her own thing, and that's OK.  You just be happy that she's doing what makes her happy.

I remember you and how hard you worked on dealing with the relationship your husband has with his mother.

It seems with disordered people that they often start lining up their flying monkeys long before the chosen target becomes aware. Mothers usually love their children more than anybody else in the world. I am sad you are unable to have contact with your daughter while I respect how you have been able to maintain a relationship with your other children.

We do not know what the future will bring. Things can unexpectedly either get much better or much worse.

Notwendy, hello friend. I remember you too.  Your words of encouragement mean more than you know. I really needed to hear that today, it's been a day of grieving. Thank you. 

Hi Ebb410,

That sounds like a very challenging situation. I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts. Firstly, you are taking her wasted years of fertility upon yourself as your personal responsibility, when in fact, she has agency in this as well. Over the past decade, she could have ended the relationship if she felt you were holding her back from having children. Secondly, while you may have genuine "commitment phobia" or challenges with decision making, and this could be something for you to work on, it is also possible that you had trouble committing because you instinctively felt the relationship was abusive and unsafe. So this would actually be a normal and healthy response, rather than a problem. Regardless, the same principle applies as above. If she saw that you were not committing over the course of a decade, she could have chosen to move on. You did not hold her hostage at gunpoint. We are all only responsible for ourselves.

I am saying this as someone who struggles with both of the issues you are raising from the other side - feeling like my BPD husband has wasted some of my fertility years and also feeling like he is keeping our relationship stagnant and not able to move forward. Whenever these thoughts of blame come to my mind, I remind myself that while he may be behaving in ways that negatively affect me and are inappropriate, I have free choice over how to respond and how long to remain in the relationship. So while I don't absolve him from his bad choices, I don't have to see myself as a victim to them.

Hi hotchip, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. This was a very kind and helpful post.


I was afraid of this. I really wondered if there were other things to try, or perhaps I’ve been looking at it all the wrong way. But thank you for confirming this.


Definitely. I didn’t get into all the details, because it was exhausting enough to write I wrote as my first post. But in my therapy sessions, my therapist has clearly stated that I have been dealing with emotional abuse. And that a lot of what I’m going through creates an environment where I don’t feel safe. This has also affected my ability to move forward, and the great moments have also affected my ability to step out of the relationship. In some way, this kind of dynamic is what I had growing up with my family, so it seemed familiar in a sense. And like my parents never showing proper conflict resolution, I too grew up without the proper skills to have boundaries and to be able to make such drastic and hard decisions.


This is what I am dealing with right now. I tried to express the idea of separation, but because her window for having children gets smaller and smaller, the idea of finding herself without a partner causes a great amount of anger and turmoil.


Yes, I do. And I do have some savings. But it’s really the concepts of not knowing where to go and who am I without this relationship. And with the absolute unknown that is waiting for me, I find that immensely overwhelming. Plus, over a decade of sharing a life with her, the amount of things we have together, etc.

But yes, I am not completely without any kind of support to fall back on. Although, I am completely ashamed and scared of letting my family into the details of my situation. As they have kind of been pressing me for years to either move forward with the relationship or step away. It’s kind of admitting to them that they were completely right, that I have “wasted her best years” due to my inability to make decisions.


I appreciate your kindness. I’m also sorry for the terrible experience you had to go through. I’m happy to hear you’ve come out on the other side in a much better situation. I really hope for a similar outcome, but right now I’m just so overwhelmed. Thank you again for taking the time to write, it really means a lot to me.

TelHill and Notwendy,
Your families are clearly full of flying monkeys like mine. It is so hurtful that someone would allow themselves to become the abuser of another person when they really don't know both sides of the story and that they would choose to be an abuser.

My latest incident with my family and the flying monkeys is I have been taken off the family email list. After several years, I made a brief harmless comment and received no more emails. I asked to be readded several times and got no response. Another relative is sending me the important emails. I suspect my sister with NPD asked for me to be taken off the email list. It never ceases to amaze me the power she has as family golden child to influence so many people to target me. Yet when I think of family history, I realize that the other family scapegoats could never get any recognition of all the nice things they did for the family and their reputations trashed whenever possible. I am proud that I did not get all that upset about being excluded from the family email list, as I realize it is not personal and I do have a few decent relatives who have been very kind and generous despite how much garbage they hear about me.

I saw the man in the park who wants me to go to the restaurant with him even though I have not shown any interest. I quickly made an excuse not to stand there and talk with him. As I was walking away, he asked me when we were going to the restaurant. I told him that I was not interested. His response was to tell me he is not interested in me, that he only wants to be friends.

This guy is one of the most curious people I have ever met. I feel no connection to him which is unusual for me and it seems most of what he tells me is not true. I only ended up talking to him some because he kept reaching out claiming to be a friend of another disordered person he has seen me with and I do not like to hurt people's feelings. Sometimes we have to pay attention to the red flags right away and distance ourselves. This is hard for me as I like to be nice to people and help those who are lonely who often are ignored by most people.

I admire how you use the quotes in a box to respond to members. Can you tell me how to do that?