.

Now for the realization that these are self serving behaviors. While enabling your son may seem like helping him, they are actually managing your fears. Now is your opportunity to learn other ways to self regulate, ways you weren't able to learn when growing up in your FOO. You had a real reason to have them as a child. You were helpless, your Dad was in charge and he was scary. Now, as an adult, the situation is not the same and you can change these behaviors, but it can take some practice and learning, and everyone starts where they are, on their own path.
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NotWendy ~
Thank you for this! I've been reading this over to let it sink in. I realized a couple weeks ago that my rescuing is all about making myself feel better and is self serving as it doesn't truly benefit my son.

I will let you know how it goes Pook. In the meantime I'll be practicing on regulating my own emotions, and challenging and reframing my fear based thoughts. Oh, and practicing on enjoying my life.

Wantmorepeace- I agree that validation and soothing take a lot of energy especially when we're hit with wave after wave and we're already worn down. And we add to it with our being consumed by their welfare, state of mind and possible actions.  You're doing well to disconnect and take care of yourself.  Right now I'm doing that by keeping a comfortable distance, not keeping my cell phone glued to my side, and best I can stopping worry thoughts.

You are so right, Pook.  I have done a lot of that kind of soothing based on dbt training.  And it works.

I think the problem I'm having now is that it feels like my pwubpd has taken so much time and energy from me (even doing that kind of soothing takes time and energy).  Also, it feels like they've upped the ante recently and then gotten crazed  because I set a personal boundary.   I feel exhausted and resentful,

That's why I'm currently taking a mental health break, which they are actually respecting after some initial pushback.  But I am struggling with FOG about my choice and not being able to say in the moment and not wanting to go back to the amount of time and energy I was putting in.....

Confused.  Aargh.

Thank you to everyone who has written in.  Your advice is greatly appreciated as is your kindness.  For me, it really makes a difference. 


That absolutely does make sense.  Definitely something I'm having trouble doing.

The connection of our life situations to music is so true.

When I was nearly 20 I had a crush that went nowhere on a local girl and every time I hear Wings' "Band on the Run" I am reminded.

Then another crushed crush memory sung to Chic's "Le Freak".

My ex?  Not sure if I have any.  Maybe some uncommon Reggae tunes with our matching "Don't Worry, Be Happy" t-shirts during our courting days?

All of us here have found benefit with local in-person counseling.  (My divorce lawyer told me, "Courts love counseling!"  So if you start the divorce process and mother resists approving counseling, court will likely side with you.)  Remote peer support is excellent but it does have its limits, and in-person counseling is one of them.

Also, schools and colleges have counselors too.  They're there but it requires you or your daughter to speak up and ask.  While they may not be able to provide services to the extent available elsewhere, they are not a resource to be ignored.

No problem at all, let us know how it goes.  It's certainly not intuitive to talk to an adult like that, but it's absolutely what they need when they're in crisis.  And anytime they're disordered, they're in crisis.

It's your words, your tone, your body launguage, your calmness.  It takes all of it at once, and it's super hard to get there when someone is yelling at you.  Just remember, they're yelling because they're in crisis internally...that deserves sympathy.

Look on YT for 'Dean Friedman Lucky Stars'.. from 1978 and though I wasn't with anyone with BPD then, it certainly can relate now.

I'd forgotten how good a song this was.

If you've heard nothing from her then it might be worth messaging her - you have nothing to lose. BPD is so unpredictable, some will switch off and never look back while some may return after time, or at least try to maintain some sort of contact - like liking your FB posts or commenting where they know you'll see it -  so that you know they're still out there and so they know that you're still interested. Even if they're with someone else they still want to know they have other options should their current situation change.

I wish there was some sort of logical process but with BPD we never know what they're thinking or planning. They don't even know themselves from one minute to another.

Send a message and hope for the best. I know it's hard to do, but try to concentrate on yourself and your own mental and physical well-being. BPD actions are totally out of our control but we do have control over ourselves so be with friends, do hobbies and try and stay strong. Remember, you had a life before you met your partner.

This is important information. Our childhood experiences and family dynamics have an influence on us. Understanding this isn't about blaming them- that isn't useful, but it is helpful to us to understand ourselves and our own patterns of behavior.

When a child grows up in a family with a disordered parent- the family dynamics are what the child experiences as "normal". It's the only experience they know. The child learns behaviors that may help them function in their family of origin but are not functional in their adult lives. Learned behaviors can be changed.

One can still have emotional responses from childhood. Likely your father was scary- at least emotionally-  and you learned that appeasing him and enabling him helped you to feel safe. This is a familiar response for you. When you don't do these behaviors that helped you to feel safe- you now feel the emotions that these behaviors were managing.

Now for the realization that these are self serving behaviors. While enabling your son may seem like helping him, they are actually managing your fears. Now is your opportunity to learn other ways to self regulate, ways you weren't able to learn when growing up in your FOO. You had a real reason to have them as a child. You were helpless, your Dad was in charge and he was scary. Now, as an adult, the situation is not the same and you can change these behaviors, but it can take some practice and learning, and everyone starts where they are, on their own path.