Hi Rosalina,

Pook sums it up perfectly, all I can do is add my total agreement and tell you to stay strong and see 'the whole picture' of your past relationship and how toxic it was for you.  We all remember the good times - and how fantastically good they could be - but don't let these times draw you back in with the 'it might be different this time' thoughts - because it won't.

It seems you've already realised this so all you can do is live your own life and let time heal. Three months isn't too long to be free from any relationship, let alone an intense BPD one and things are bound to still be fresh in your mind.

You hopefully also see how clearer your life is now without the constant conflict, and your mental and physical state will also have improved - I remember how relieved I was after I stopped seeing my exBPD and how good it was just to be able to go out and not have to walk on eggshells every second for fear of a meltdown. It was no life, even with the rare good moments.

Stay strong and positive. You had a life before your exBPD and you'll have a life again, Good things happen when you least expect them.

Hi Rosalina.  You're right, three months is such a short period of time.  I thought I was over my ex after three months as well, but I still held onto hope for an additional two years or so past that.  And I thought about what she did at the end for maybe another year after that.  So for me, all in all, it took around 3 years to be fully over the relationship and at peace with it.

Why's it so hard?  Because when BPDs love, they give everything they have...they're all-in.  The average person can't love like that because they're more reserved and careful, they don't wear their feelings on their sleeve.  When my ex and I first started dating, oh gosh, it was truly magical.  That's part of the disorder too though- trusting too much, giving everything to the relationship.  The magic came from the sickness just like the heartbreak did.

Today I can look at my ex and remember the good with a smile, and also remember the bad without judging her.  She was sick, plain and simple, and I couldn't see it until it was impossible to avoid.  Looking back, I saw all the signs very early on and I clearly knew something was off.  I don't regret it though and I can say that I still love her.  But I'm also very glad that we're not together anymore and in that cycle of chaos.

Three months is just a blip...this takes time and that's completely normal.  It seems like for a lot of us, the realizations came in waves.  We'd heal from one part, then something else would suddenly appear in our minds and we'd have to struggle with it for awhile.  Eventually though, you will get there and you will love again.

Let me tell you quickly about my current wife.  She was very careful and reserved at first.  But once the relationship blossomed, she was all in just like my ex.  The difference is that my current wife is not mentally ill and she loves me in a healthy, balanced way.  I do the same right back at her and life is just easy, it just works so smoothly because we're always looking out for one another.  I did not have that before and I am so thankful- this real, two-way relationship is 1,000x better.

I shared that to say that there is a better relationship out there for you once you are ready. 

Hi lovely people, I have posted on here a few times before, and this site has been so completely helpful to me. So first, thank you. Second, I am three months post-breakup. It has taken me a while to recognize that this isn't that long - three months. I saw my ex today as he had to pick up some stuff from my house (clothing). It was the briefest of exchanges. Literally less than a minute. He looked good, handsome, the side of him that has that caring voice. It ignited all that old longing. I literally collapsed crying on the floor after that encounter. It brought back all the good memories - all the fun times - there were so many! I actually loved him.

In some ways, this is good to know about my capacity - I am capable of love, of showing up with love and care. The hard part was that this brief encounter encapsulated so much of the larger relationship pattern - there and gone again abruptly, without apparent demonstration of care.

The idealize - devalue cycle in the relationship was so so hard. He would "break up" by telling me horrible things about myself, and then this would die down, and he would come back apologetic and soft, and I would go back. With some belief that it would be different (thank you people in this forum for helping me see not to put hope in that belief). I learned to accept that this person is someone who is both all of those beautiful qualities AND the very difficult qualities that cause relational harm. That one comes with the other.

I do want to know from others - this process of getting over the heartbreak is so hard - how have you done this?

I super loved this man. I absolutely opened my heart. I have done alot of work to understand my own relational patterns that brought me to this relationship, and have been rebuilding my own sense of self-worth, lovableness and self-care because of this relationship. I believe now I need to be no contact because I am too raw to have any contact at this time. The wounds get reopened so quickly, and the pain comes back. There is no practical reason to be in contact so I can do this.

I think I need to also say what the pains specifically were - because I am sure I gaslight myself into thinking I am silly or a fool for being in this relationship. He would go on drinking binges for a week and not do anything about this addiction. He would focus on how I interrupted him a few times, and made this the reason to breakup. He called me "the angriest person" he ever met and that he wanted to kill himself being with me (he remained safe - just as an FYI). He would abruptly leave for a week or two, often without warning. He would say I was abusive (I wasn't) and that the"performance standards for the relationship" were ridiculous. He would say I put sexual pressure on him if I asked if he was wanting to be intimate. If I didn't ask I was also putting pressure on him. (that was a huge no win situation). He told me that he has been harbouring feelings of contempt for such a long time - that this made me question everything we did where he said the exact opposite. Obviously there is more, but one cannot write down all the venomous things that were said or done!

Anyways, I am grateful for this community and any responses.

When I was in high school, I began Spanish classes.  By the end of the second year I was the best in verb conjugation and all the other students suffered since the teacher graded on a curve based on the highest score.  But - I never spoke it like a native.  I've always had to translate in my head.

One possible reason is that research has indicated that learning languages is best accomplished while young, something happens to many youths about age 10 where the brain becomes less flexible.  So if I had tried to take Spanish lasses in elementary school I suspect my "speaking like a native" might have been possible.

I wrote this to explain this general concept... I suspect many children would learn better and deeper with early exposure and practice.  That your partner discouraged you from teaching your niece to cultivate a musical skill was not just frustrating to you, it was also a disservice to your niece.

The sad thing is that this is not a one time incident.  As long as she is resistant to therapy and mutual cooperation, this will be a recurring thread in your life and your children's lives.  Firm boundaries on your part will help, but it will be difficult to accomplish over the years.

That's my assessment too.  I had the impression the visit would be in person.  That it was only online says a lot.  But something is better than nothing.  Maybe next time...


PwBPD are quick to demand repeated apologies but almost never grant them.  So it's best not to go there, so to speak.  Getting an apology might be a measure of Closure but Closure is generally only something you can Gift to yourself.

Are there others here who feel like they have survivor's guilt because they don't have bpd?  My sister had different temperaments and different family roles and treatment.  She has ubpd.  I'm having trouble feeling ok about enjoying my life, especially now that we're NC.

And we’ll all be here to listen, as things unfold.

I think the major underlying problem was the daughter in law lurking in the background, hearing what was said on both sides and waiting for "shots to be fired".  If your husband's son said something like, "I'm sorry we haven't talked, my wife didn't want me to reach out..."  Then he'd be in for major arguments over the next few days and arrive to the same conclusion he had before- it's easier if I just don't talk to my parents to make my wife happy.

Just know that he probably couldn't say anything about the situation because he was forbidden from it.

Where does that leave you?  Well, contact has been resumed.  Getting together has been discussed.  Those are very positive steps.

There's a BPD term which I personally hate, but its "flying monkeys".  These are the people in a BPDs life that get caught up in the daily drama and get told so much delusion over and over again, they believe it completely even though it makes zero sense.  This is especially true for spouses of BPDs because they want to keep the peace, raise the kids, etc...they just want to avoid the chaos and endless arguments.  So if she's said over and over that your husband was abusive, eventually his own son would believe it.  It's brainwashing basically and it's incredibly toxic.

If you ask for an apology, things are going to get ugly in a hurry because you're seen as the "bad people".  I know that's not fair and it's probably not true, but you essentially have two options here.  You can insist on being right and asking for an apology (which will lead to abusive responses and more no contact), or you can build on what happened on the recent calls and try to build a new relationship.

If this was about a distant cousin, I'd say to tell them off and be done with them.  But this isn't that simple with kids and grandkids.  So you have to decide what's more important- being proven right, or having a relationship.  You literally can't have both in this situation unless you build the relationship and opinions change over time.

Indeed, right now I'm in a similar place.  Recently my husband approached me and asked if I thought he should reach out to his estranged BPD daughter, as it's been months since seeing her last (when he sold her car for her).  I suggested that he send a very short message along the lines of, "Hope you're enjoying the summer, thinking of you."  I cautioned not to expect any reply, but that sending a short message from time to time might help keep the lines of communication open.  He needs to be patient and wait until she's ready in my opinion.

Unsurprisingly, she didn't reply.  I'm sure he's hurt by that.  And yet, if she's not "ready" to reconnect, it's probably better if she keeps her distance, because a forced encounter would probably kindle the usual ill feelings.  By the same token, if she's able to survive independently, that represents some progress.  Like you stated, there are conflicting feelings all around.

What do I do here?  I try to be as upbeat as possible for my husband:  "It's nice you reached out; she can't accuse you of not communicating or not caring.  We figured she wouldn't reply, but the fact that she doesn't need you as much anymore, that's remarkable progress.  She's making a life for herself and having some success.  I know you're hurt, but this is about her journey.  This situation is just for now."

I think that when it comes to BPD, it can help to think in terms of baby steps.  A FaceTime is a baby step in my opinion.

Thank you both so much for sharing your experiences and advice.  We have since done a FaceTime with my stepson and grandsons. I was there to support my husband and remained cordial throughout.

Nothing was said or discussed about the cutoff or the past two years. It was almost as though everyone simply picked up where things had left off before the cut off—as if nothing had happened. There was this strange sense of performative normalcy, with a huge elephant in the room that everyone seemed to know was there, but no one acknowledged. I wouldn’t necessarily call it avoidance, because the conversation itself happened, but the major issue remained completely unspoken and unresolved.

What also struck me was that my daughter-in-law remained in the background, out of camera view, throughout the entire FaceTime and never said a word. Given everything that has happened over the past two years, that added another layer of awkwardness to the whole experience. It was almost as though we were being allowed this small window of contact with the boys, while the larger family situation remained completely untouched.

It was wonderful to see our almost-three-year-old grandson after two years, and to finally meet our new three-month-old grandson. But at the same time, it was heartbreaking. We always knew we had been missing out on milestones, birthdays, everyday moments, and the birth and first few months of our second grandson. But actually seeing them—seeing how much they’ve grown and realizing just how much time has passed—made that loss feel very real.

I honestly thought I would walk away from that FaceTime feeling better because we had finally seen them. Instead, I felt more sad than anything afterward. I think the reality of how much we have missed, and can never get back, really hit me.

For now, I have resolved to follow my husband’s lead and, as you have suggested, simply be there for him in whatever way I can. I don't want to make this about me or put additional pressure on him. But I also have to acknowledge that this situation takes its toll on me too even if I am just the step mom.

There is happiness in finally having some contact again, but there is also a tremendous amount of sadness and unresolved hurt underneath it all. I suppose both things can be true at the same time.