Thank you for taking the time to respond. Yes, I have a therapist and great friends, but I think there is something invaluable about being able to share with others that are going through or have been through similar difficulties.

He has now gone into trying to bargain with me but doing a terrible job of it and making it clearer to me that I'm doing the right thing!

I have sort legal advice so I'm on it with that. He doesn't want me to touch his pension and I don't want him to touch my house, so we are in agreement with that. He is not accruing more debt and has consolidated the loan. I can see if he does so start building debt again so that's a positive.

The red flags have been confirmed.  Now's the time to buy a tank of gas and start driving towards friends and family.  If you don't have a car, then check out the local bus routes to get back home.

This thread is in the category "bettering a relationship" so the advice should be towards repairing the relationship.  I don't see how we can do that here though since you don't even know who he is.  I do not think you should confront him in person, just a gut feeling from this whole thing.  Get away first and then you can have that conversation.

I can't imagine how much more it would take for you to end things once and for all.  Apparently telling lies is what he does.  We don't need to know more than that to listen... "Danger, Will Robinson!"  (Lost in Space reference)

There are old fables, different versions but all have the same motto, whether it is a rattlesnake seeking to come in from the cold or a scorpion trying to hitch a ride on a frog's back to cross a stream, the end result is that the snake or scorpion shows its true colors.  It is up to us not be lulled by the lies.

Hi, joined today to see if I can find any tips on coping with an adult child with BPD. Not sure if I had it too. Had one diagnosis from a dude that didn't even read my file. Any other therapists have said I don't have it. I definitely had risky behaviour. Not super into relationships and don't fear abandonment though. Daughter definitely has it, got her own diagnosis at 19. She's 37 now. At the moment day drinking by hiding alcohol in energy drinks. If she saw this she'd think Id snooped in her room or something, but I haven't, I can tell by her voice, even if just slightly tipsy her voice sounds different. Shes got a drunk voice and a sober voice.

To be clear, the ex I contacted is different from the one he was discussing on ChatGPT. I also found out that he has been traveling to RVA since May when he has been telling me that he is going to NYC. He said that he was seeing his dad and didnt want to tell anyone, but why lie about where you are going for so long?

I relate to this so much. Finalized divorce from BPD spouse earlier this year after nearly 17 years of marriage, with a son who's now 10. It's coming up on 2 years since we separated, though that was the second (and final) time we separated. The last several years have been such a whirlwind/rollercoaster/whathaveyou, and it feels like so much more than the more typical divorce stories of just growing apart, or things getting stale, or no longer getting along. And now I'm forced to continue financially supporting someone who never supported me in any way, financially or emotionally, and it feels terrible.

I could write a book about my journey, but in many ways I've continued to enjoy a much better life since I've been able to name my experience as the abusive relationship that it was, and piece things back together to move forward in a much healthier direction.

I just found out that my boyfriend has been lying about his identity from the beginning of our relationship. I have questioned his job and he faked a deposit to prove he was employed at this somewhat elite company. He left his ChatGPT open on my laptop and I saw him asking it about how to fake a deposit for the human eye and asking specifically for that company. These messages were back in April, 2025 in the same feed discussing his ex who was also suspicious of the same thing. We were dating in April, and I guess he cheated on her and was trying to get her back at the same time we were dating. He has created a persona of being a wealthy man, and his ChatGPT history shows a somewhat weird fascination with "elitism" and how to fit into that category. I contacted his ex and she said, "I truly have no idea who he is, how he makes money, etc. and I think he probably lied about most things he told me about him during our relationship." I feel like I am going crazy. I don't have friends in my area and I am so scared to be alone but I know I can't stay with this man that I don't even know. I don't think that I will ever trust anyone again.

Hi there,

Why does she do this?  I think it comes down to a few things:  unrealistic expectations, emotional overload and a victim mindset.

First, the unrealistic expectations.  I think that pwBPD often have unrealistic expectations that tend to be "childish," for lack of a better term.  They want to be the center of attention at all times.  They want to be catered to and cared for.  They may expect other adults to over-function for them, financially, administratively and/or logistically.  They want instant gratification.  They lack patience and perspective.  They can't take temporary setbacks or disappointments in stride.  They feel entitled.  They have intense needs that just aren't being met.  How does this manifest?  Well, it depends, but in a relationship, she might expect to be wined and dined.  She might expect you to text her all the time, even if you're busy with work or trying to get some needed sleep.  She might get upset if you dare to look at other people or spend time with any of your friends.  She might spend money unwisely and refuse to stick to a budget.  In short, she's extremely demanding, and despite your greatest efforts, she's never satisfied.  The relationship starts to feel very one-sided, as in all take, no give.

Next, the emotional overload.  She's overwhelmed by life, even when she's not doing much at all.  She feels tired all the time.  She gets upset over every little thing--how you look at her, how you don't look at her, how you breathe, how you sit, what you eat, etc.  She has a fight-or-flight reaction to ordinary things.  She can be petulant and passive-aggressively mean, giving you the silent treatment for hours or days.  Here we use the term "walking on eggshells" to describe your attempts to avoid upsetting her, because she gets over-the-top upset over every little thing.  Her emotions typically seem disproportionate to the situation, like road rage which permeates all aspects of life.  This is because pwBPD have difficulty controlling their emotions.  It's like they are wired to be extra sensitive, and their outbursts are more frequent, intense and longer-lasting than what would be considered normal.  It takes her a very long time to get back to baseline, too.  In fact, she's so overwhelmed emotionally that she barely knows who she is.  Her internal life is a rollercoaster, and she's so unsettled that she has trouble knowing who she is and where she's going, let alone what she really wants out of life, let alone how to make it happen.  My theory is that the more unsettled she feels, the farther backwards she looks in life.  She'll dredge up negative incidents from years ago, or she might talk incessantly about her bad childhood.  I think that's how she avoids dealing with the present and future, because it's just too scary and emotionally unsettling.

And finally, the victim mindset.  In my opinion, this is the worst part of BPD.  She feels like she's the victim of endless traumas.  Here's a clue:  she thinks her childhood was horrible, her parents are awful, her exes abused her, her friends abandoned her, and her coworkers are bullies.  She's estranged from most or all of her family, but she'll break the estrangement temporarily when she needs money or some other form of assistance.  She is constantly blaming other people for traumatizing her, for wrecking her life.  Sometimes the fact patterns of her traumatic stories don't line up, or she'll be intentionally vague about her past to keep you guessing.  Why does she do this?  Because she believes other people are making her miserable, and she's always a victim.  This allows her to avoid taking any responsibility for her own life and her own decisions.  Worse, she thinks it's OK to treat other people badly, because she thinks they "deserve" to be "punished" for all the perceived wrongs and slights against her.  She thinks that by hurting others, they will finally understand the pain she's feeling.  But underneath all this is a belief that she's blameless and powerless over her own life.  She won't take any accountability for her actions, let alone take responsibility for the pain she's caused other people.  The victim mindset is a form of learned helplessness, and it can keep her stuck in a very negative funk.

Does that sound about right?  If so, it's probably because it's classic BPD in my opinion.

Actually, if your daughter's actions were so impactful that her parental contact has had severe limits and conditions enforced, that almost surely was a blessing for the kids.  They will benefit from the "time out" apart from her while she gets her act together.

Yes, you feel torn with angst and empathy but this action (temp order for supervised visitation only) is a good thing for your daughter.  She needed to get this correction and the kids needed protection.

It will be hard to step back for now and not come rushing to "fix" everything.  That is beyond you.  Give your daughter the opportunity to improve her own life, to face reality, she's an adult after all.

What if she never gets her life and behavior in order?  Well, that might be what happens.  If so, then her having her parenting limited will be a protection for both her children and their father.  A 1986 book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce, page 195, has a quote that is quite insightful... As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.

Of course, this is not written to have you ignore SIL or the children.  This is a wonderful opportunity for you to support your SIL in other ways besides supervising and strengthen yourself as grandmother with the children.

P.S.

I'll echo the comments of a previous poster about you supervising visitation with your daughter's children.  I know that your son-in-law is trying to do what's right for his kids, but what I don't like is that he's asking you to arrange and execute the the visitation.  My point is, if your daughter wanted to visit with her kids, she'd do everything in her power to make it happen on her own.  That she's not really doing anything (based on what you've written) indicates to me that she doesn't really want to see her own kids.  My feeling is, if you facilitate visitation, that will open the door for your daughter to be upset with YOU and continue to blame YOU for not doing enough for her.  And so like the other poster advised, I'd recommend staying out of it.

I have a highly disordered brother-in-law with undiagnosed NPD, and I've observed that many of the behaviors overlap with BPD.  He has three school-age children, and he has succeeded in turning visitation into a nightmare over multiple years.  My theory is that he uses visitation as a lever to re-engage and "control" his ex.  Correspondence that's supposed to be about visitation logistics turns into opportunities to hurl insults, accusations and threats, and to reopen past grievances.  Not only that, but he makes exchange logistics extremely difficult (mainly through weaponized incompetence), and he has been a no-show countless times.  And yet, he seems oblivious as to how this makes his own kids feel.  Here's the thing though:  when he is 100% responsible for executing visitation, most of the time, he doesn't execute.  He can barely manage telephoning or videocalling his kids on his own at an appropriate time (say, after school or after dinner, as opposed to midnight on a school night).  He has a million excuses:  he lost his phone, he forgot, he was sick, his phone service was cut off, he lost his charger, he forgot the phone number, he was too busy (though he's unemployed), etc.  But I think the reality is, he just doesn't want to talk to his kids; it's simply not a priority for him.  The same sort of thing happens with visitation.  When visitation is facilitated by others (his ex, his mother, his brother), it will generally happen.  By facilitating, I mean making plans, picking up the kids at the appropriate time and place, and arranging for activities, meals and sleeping accommodations during the visit.  But when he has to execute visitation all by himself, he oftentimes fails to make any plans in the first place.  When he does schedule visitation, he sometimes fails to show up, or he arrives extremely late.  Then he makes the visit so miserable for the kids (e.g. by not feeding them at regular mealtimes, by not putting them to bed) that they are catatonic when they return home.  He tends to drop the kids off early, too, sometimes two or three days early during a visitation week (think, school vacation week with dad).  All this means that he's unwilling and/or unable to expend the effort himself to see his kids.  It's tragically sad for the kids to see this, but I think they're better off in a stable home with their mom.

So my advice about visitation would be that your daughter should be proceeding with baby steps.  At first, she should be arranging to call her kids on a regular schedule, say before or after school, or every night after their dinner.  SHE has to be the one to establish a mutually agreeable schedule, and she has to be the one to place the calls on time.  If she can do that reliably, then she might proceed with seeing her kids during normal, quasi-supervised activities, such as attending a school function or school sporting event.  Then she might try a supervised visitation schedule for a morning or afternoon on weekly basis.  Once she demonstrates she can pull that off, over the span of a month or two, then she might try visiting her kids for a whole day, supervised by another adult.  She could take the kids to a zoo, park or beach or something.  But I don't think that she should insist on using your home and your babysitting capabilities to execute visitation, in my humble opinion.  I think she'd turn that into threats to take the grandkids away from you.  If she wants to host the kids, then she's going to have to get her living situation settled herself.

Just my two cents.