Was dating a girl for a few months. We clicked instantly and I got along with her better than any girl I ever have in my life. Early on she explained that she has been diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD, and BD2. She said if that made me not want to continue that she understood. I told her that I understood there could be challenges, but so long as we had honesty and respect that I would love to continue. I would not judge her based on any diagnosis, and I only judge people on their actions. She was dedicated to her DBT therapy, attending alanon, and seeing a therapist. She explained that she had a very traumatic childhood (which based on the story's she told me, it was indeed a very chaotic, abusive, and neglectful upbringing). She also explained that she had a history of picking bad men, and was trying to choose differently this time. I genuinely believed that she was trying her best to do better, and I saw first hand how hard she was trying.

The relationship felt like a dream. I told her after the first date that I really liked her, but wanted to move slow as we were both semi fresh out of long term relationships. (Hers being a highly abusive relationship with a guy we'll call "A", and me a 1.5 hear relationship that failed due to an axious/avoidant dynamic, but ended without many hard feelings. I am still friendly with this ex, but we very rarely talk.)
I am someone that attatches fast, and she agreed that it was probably a smart move for the both of us to move slow, however she did make a comment sometime later jokingly saying "you'll have to grow some balls at some point and make it official".. While some of it may be attributed to mirroring, we genuine seemed to have very similar interests, hobbies, tastes. We co-existed seamlessly, and I felt a stronger connection to her in that short time, than I did in any other relationship. She told me she had never felt so safe and secure, or been treated so well before. I even overheard a phonecall of hers where she told a friend the same thing, and was singing my praises. She said it was a new experience for her and while it was overwhelming, she said it gelt overwhelming in a good way. We never so much as had a fight. It felt like months of bliss, and she felt the same. Any time she seemed triggered, I could tell she was using her DBT skills and we would move on fine.

Now towards the last few weeks her doctor increased her SSRI dose twice, before introducing a mood stabilizer, she even feared that could cause her to go manic. And the final week, she did start to seem more dysregulated (asking me if she was delusional about things to do with her ex such as people thinking he is a good person, asking why I dont say i love you back to her, grandiose behaviour, and some generally manic sounding things). In the case of the i love you thing, she had let it slip a couple times, but apologized immediately, i always reassured her it was okay. That final time she said it, she texted me after asking if it made me uncomfortable when she said it. I told her no, and she went on to ask why i dont say it then. I explained i was developing big feelings for her, but i wasnt ready to say it ( unfortunately i actually was falling in love with ber, but i was trying to protect myself). She told me she understood and that i was kind, just that it "stuck a wound that she was still healing". However she was still incredibly loving, even saying she thought we were soul mates. We were supposed to spend the weekend together the following week, as we were semi long distance, but would travel on weekends to see eachother.

During that final week, she also seemed mlre stressed out with things at school and dealing with family trauma. She also attended in what my opinion was a very unethical therapy session with the guest staying at her airbnb who wasa "therapist". The man told her that he had never met anyone like her, and someone with her backstory should be a "nutcase". She said that it felt like she experienced what felt like the love from a parent for the first time in her life. Also stating the experice was "devine" and it felt like she was "touched by god", also saying things like "I am love" and "I am healing".
 She told me a guy she knew had invited her to a party out of town but she said no and blocked him. I paid it no mind. Then out of the blue, she decided to go on a trip out of town. I still thought nothing of it, but soon realized something was wrong. By the end of the weekend she had dumped me stating she is overwhelmed and needs to heal herself, and that we both want different things. Saying she spoke to an "elder" that said she was a "healer" but first needed to "heal herself". She told me she can't do a relationship right now due to needing to heal.     I expressed sadness, but accepted her decision.

 1 week later she asked to meet to exchange things. She showed up with another man (I think the guy that invited her to the party, we'll call him "C". I have good reason to believe its the same guy)  I drove 2 hours to bring her stuff back and one of the gifts she gave me but was unsure about taking back. It felt like a very peaceful goodbye. She did seem quite dissociated, bjt she was friendly. She even talked about giving the gift back one day. Told me I was going to make her cry by my kind words, and proceeded to give me a hug. She agreed to talk woth me later that night. As she was leaving the guy rudely told me to leave her alone. Then proceeded to text me from her phone doubling down on what he said in a fairly aggressive way. I thought that was the end of it.

1 week later she reached out to apologize for what happened. She said it was out of pocket and was freaked out over what happened and needed time to wrap her head around what happened. I accepted it, she offered to hold space for me to talk. I asked questions about the guy and she ghosted. So I left it alone.

Another 2 weeks later she reached out again asking if we could talk amd if I could hold space for her. I accepted and she told me she felt she ended things abruptly because of was totally distracted and didnt have clarity about everything going on. I offered to talk the next day as I was going to bed. and she warmly thanked me and asked me let me know when I was free. I texted her that night saying i was free and got ghosted again.
I sent a nice message a few days later basically saying that there are no hard feelings, and if she ever wants to talk that I am open to it. She did not reply.

A few days later she reached out thanking me for my kindness, but said she was seeing someone and wanted to put everything in the past. So again I merely accepted and wished her well. I thought it was truly done this time.

Well 2 days later she messaged me asking me for a favour. I asked what she wanted from me and she explained she was back with her ex "A"  "because of her PLEASE READ", and that he was drunk and thought I was "C". She then asked if I could pretend to be "C". She apologized by saying "sorry, Im a pest" I kindly told her that while I'm available if she wants to talk or is in crisis, that no, I will not be involved with her other relationships. She responded woth "bye". She then called minutes later asking me to tell him we aren't seeing eachother. She sounded frantic and I could her him drunky yelling in the background. I told him we arent seeing eachother. He then asked my last name and she asked me (she knows my last name, so at least she seemed to protect my identity), and I got threatened by him. The threat frankly doesnt concern me much for my safety based on the distance, but I do worry about her safety. I think he is the person she was talking  about seeing when she changed her mind about wanting to talk.

1 week after all of that, she unblocked me on social media for the first time since the breakup, but never said anything. Its been almost 3 weeks and neither of us have said anything. What do you all think happened here? And why did she unblock me after all of this?
I know she struggles with connecting after there has been a rupture due to feeling guilt. I saw her avoid talking to family when she wanted t, due to her feeling guilty and like she would be judged. Is her unblocking me her hoping I will reach out? Or am I just looking too far into this? Why unblock me now after all of this?

Im not sure what to do, while her actions were chaotic and hurtful, she was trying very hard to do better in life while we were dating. She never abused me or said anything nasty during the relationship, or even during this saga. She has always been kind. Any form of abuse has been involving other men, and her intermittent contact.
I saw an incredibly kind, loving, and empathetic person, that was trying so hard to do better, attending therapy, doing dbt, and seemed genuinely happy that she had finally chosen right, all for it to be thrown away.

I probably need to work on my own codependency issues, but part of me still feels attachment. And I genuinely feel like this could have been exacerbated by a manic episode (because she seemed quite dysregulated after increasing her dose), and that this is not who she is at her core.
I've thought about reaching out in case she wants to talk, but she is afraid of my reaction. I feel like it could be good closure, since I won't be in a state of ambiguity anymore, but I do fear a negative reaction.

What do you all think of this? And what should I do?

We really can't address whether her claims of DV or abuse, etc are valid or not.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to often exaggerate their perceptions and allow their self-oriented extremes to Deny, Project, Blame, Blame Shift and overall obfuscate reality.  Therefore we usually suggest others not to believe what pwBPD claim unless there is independent confirmation or documentation.  And when it comes to divorce, even family courts are reluctant to decide who is more at fault, usually they just try to minimally referee the case and ignore the mental health issues as much as possible.


This is typical Borderline projection and demanding behavior.  PwBPD typically don't handle emotional relationships well and often sabotage them.  And the closer the relationship, the more impacting it is - on us, the targets.  You are perfectly justified to avoid even attempting to reason with someone who only veers off into Blamefest World.

There's a saying around here, The custody evaluator can make or break your case in court.  How so?  It largely depends whether you can select an experienced and respected CE, especially one trusted by the court.  My lawyer warned me that my case could go against me since our court trusted our CE so much that his recommendation was almost from god.  Fortunately, ours was a child psychologist and, though quite understated, he was quite excellent.

Some here have struggled with unqualified lawyers and counselors who are either inexperienced or biased.  Some take nearly a year with sessions and compile virtual books and of course charge accordingly.  My CE's initial recommendation in 2008 was about a dozen pages yet spot on.  It took about 5 months and was charged less than $4K.

He gave us various mental health assessment questionnaires, probably one was the MMPI, and had separate interviews with and without our our child.  He was very perceptive of how we parented.  After all, the professional perspective is that the minor children get the primary attention and consideration.  The summary observed, Mother cannot share "her" child but Father can.  It also recommended Father have custody should Shared Parenting be tried but fails.  (At the time mother had temp custody and I had only alternate weekends.)

Hey Jazz,

You're probably not going to like my answer, but I do have to be honest here with my opinion.

You told him off five months ago, and he's been on his best behavior for five months now.  But he finally snapped, probably over local politics.

Then you did the absolute right series of things.  You refused to argue.  Boundary #1 nailed.  When he continued, you walked away.  Boundary #2 nailed.  And once you returned home, he retreated, went to bed, then asked a sensible question like he didn't just make an ass out of himself.  Boundaries #1 and #2 complete.

I honestly don't see the problem here.  He will lose it from time to time because he's mentally ill.  Yet for the past five months, even including the other night, he's lost it for just a few minutes.  Nobody here could expect any more of him.

If you want to divorce and move on, then that's your call.  But you have effectively changed your relationship for the better and he's trying to be a better husband.  Again, nobody here could ask for more under the circumstances.

We can't tell you what to do, but in so many aspects you've already won.  You've found your voice, stood up for yourself, and finally taken control.  He brought up things you said 5 months ago because they were so powerful and really impacted him.  In other words, you've taken away his power...he can't be abusive anymore without consequences. 

You've won.  Hopefully you can see that.

What you're feeling is a surge of emotions after taking his crap for so so long. If you can't stay with him, then divorce.  But to me, that doesn't feel inevitable anymore because you're in control.  It's something to think about anyway.

Great question.  Complicated answer.

First, the way your spouse reacts has everything to do with her current feelings and nothing to do with your answers.  However, if you get frustrated, then her reactions are based on your reactions because she's already struggling.  In a nutshell, your frustration is taken as saying, "I can't stand you and I have no idea why I even bother with this relationship."

Now, that's not what you're saying, but it's what she's feeling.  This is all about feelings here; feelings are reality just like facts are reality.

For instance, if you feel like you're going to throw up, it feels horrible regardless whether you actually throw up or not.  She feels that same way from a mental standpoint.

So what do you do?

Let's back up here.  You asked something, she ignored it.  You asked again, she ignored it again, and then followed up with an unrelated question.

Her ignoring you is a major sign that her brain is working overtime on something.  So if you double down at that moment, she's going to think, "What a jerk- can't he see what I'm dealing with?!?"  And of course you can't, you're not a mind reader.  But it's important to catch these subtle cues that she could be thinking in a disordered way...or at least heading in that direction.

Step one- if she ignores you, back off.  Now's not the time for discussion.  It stinks and it's unfair, but it is what it is.  Just walk away for a few minutes and let her internal crisis pass.

Step two- she asks a question that you know nothing about.  Don't you wish you would've nailed step one?  That's okay though.  Give an honest answer like, "I have no idea, but I know who does."  Then ask Google or Siri.  You do have the combined knowledge of the history of the entire world on your smartphone, so you can deliver a passable answer in about 2 seconds.

Why does this work?  Because you're choosing her and her problem over yourself.  Doing the opposite leads to chaos, so do the smart thing and try to help (or get better at step one).

Step three- maybe she's still frustrated, which again is a clue that this isn't about you AT ALL.  It's about disordered thinking and mental illness.  If you make the effort, then she's mad at the imaginary thing.  If you don't make the effort, now her rage turns to you.  So you make the effort.  But if that fails, then step three is to go back to step one.  Say something kind and retreat!

I know this sounds childish and moronic.  Yet it's my go-to for any conversations that begin to unfold this way.  And it works about half the time.  For the other half, I'll apologize for her struggling and offer a hug or some ice cream.  That usually avoids the lion share of the drama.

Also don't justify or defend anything you're feeling or saying. They will see that as not feeling heard and lacking accountability for the perceived wrongdoing. Best to walk away if things get heated.

Rowdy is right. It's impossible. If you say you don't know, or you don't care (about whatever option is chosen) you are bad. You are wrong and incompetent. I was told I 'half asz' everything because I took on a project I'd never done (which turned out fine). They will insult you, curse you, mock you, be awful and it's because 'you made me do this'. If you even bring up a concern, it's character assassination. There is no logic to this.

You are asking the impossible. It seems quite common from comments on here, and certainly in my situation, that if you are asked something that you don’t know the answer to, saying “I don’t know” will result in devaluation. If that was my response to a question I didn’t know the answer to I would be told that I am horrible.

What can you do about it? Well I guess one idea would be to say that you need to go to the toilet, take your phone, google the question, or the problem while on the toilet, then come back with the answer, an answer, anything really to try and defuse them.

And yes, the things they do and say that is quite ok for you to put up with but would send them into a spiral…….. they all do that.

You are doing better. As to not being able to meet you emotionally- doing things like mopping the floor to him is being supportive. People have different love languages. His may be different from yours.

In addition, considering his generation- he may have been raised with the culture that men aren't emotional "men don't cry". His father may have role modeled this for him.

In addition, pwBPD have difficulty managing their own emotions, so they may not be able to be as emotionally supportive of others, but it seems he's trying in a way he can, and that's good.

This isn't easy - and you are doing a good job of accepting your H's level of ability and taking care of yourself.

Scenario (that has happened frequently, but not so much recently until now)

I’m talking to SO about something I’d like them to do.  SO ignores me and points to a problem they are having and wants me to fix. 

SO  is always coming to me to fix something, explain something, make something work, or with frustration about something broken, not working, or unexplained to them. 

SO also lately seems not to be hearing much of what I’m saying, asking, or wanting because they’re wrapped up in their own issues. 

The thing my SO wants me to fix is something I have no knowledge of.  I offer suggestions, none of which are correct to my SO.  I get frustrated and say “I have no idea”.   

My SO explodes at me about how I’m mean and awful and I get angry. 

I explain where I’m coming from and why I’m frustrated. 

SO says “of course, I’m always the bad person and it’s always my fault.” 

Later they come to me and tell me that I have to stop my behavior or else.   A familiar refrain is that while my SO uses “I’m always the bad guy” as a guilt defense, the truth is that I’m always the one who has to change my reactions. 

So what is the proper way to deal with a demand that you never react, never get upset, never do something that makes them react negatively, and always be aware of how your reaction is going to make them react?   

Also, I’ve noticed that my SO is perfectly free to make hateful and condescending statements that would I know would lead to WWIII if I made them.