Appreciate your response,
I have a large list of characteristics I've observed that leade me to think she has bpd. Keeping the subject on chores/house work it is especially the inability to complete basic things. Dish washer run but rarely unloaded, dishes not finished or sitting, laundry loads unfinished unless guests are coming(keeping appearances), rarely cooks dinner or breakfast (I work full time) and I cook more breakfast.

No participation in major project ,complains about project, wants project to stop, and when completed she does one tiny thing and says there i helped. Not satisfied with outcome of another project contractor did. Double standard caring for child if I do something wrong it's the end of the world if she does the same thing she needs the understanding.

To be realistic- one reason you don't have savings is due to living above your means. Perhaps it would be possible to live within your means with both salaries but this isn't the situation here.

Neither of you can keep up with the house and your expenses on one of your salaries alone.

While there is discussion about hope, also consider that what feels like hope might also be denial. It's also confusing because we see our relationships through the framework of our "normal" expectations.

The first time I witnessed my BPD mother in an outright lie- and she knew it and didn't even flinch through it, I was shocked. It was as if I had been plunged into another reality. In mine "Mother's don't lie" so what was this? After that, I could see that my mother told lies.

As Maya Angelou said- "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". I think your wife has shown you she's not going to be transparent, or contribute much to the living expenses. The only money you have access to is the money you earn.

There's a cost to debt beyond the sum of money. Debt causes stress. My father went into debt with BPD mother. He was stressed, tense and irritable.  Everyone in the family experienced the emotional cost of this debt.

I've seen this- the debt, seeing BPD mother completely drain all the savings and liquidating the equity in the house. If you can not maintain your house on your income, the logical choice is to put it on the market. If you are in a shared property state, the capital gain would be split 50-50. (consult a lawyer before you do anything as I am not knowleagable about this). This is income you can use for a smaller living space, divorce, and guardian trust for your son. The other consequence if you do nothing and continue as you are is to do what my mother did, and continued her spending until she was on the verge of the house being repossessed.

If this isn't stopped, the money is gone, the house will be gone. If you divorce, it will cost some money, you will have to sell the house but the best chance of recovery is when you still can be employed. With or without a divorce, it appears you do need to downsize, live within your means with what you can control and keep your income as protected as possible from your BPD wife.

I mean, it is a victim mentality response. Lots more goes into having bpd or showing strong traits. But yes, I've heard similar things; leave a cup out on the counter overnight = I'm purposely making her life harder and don't appreciate her because she's the one who usually loads the dishes. Take my shirt off and put it on the counter after hours of fixing her car = I'm a child, I don't appreciate her and she is being taken advantage of.

Any other situations you can share that seem 'off' or way overexaggerated?

I have made the decision for the holiday and I know it is the right one for my children. I have not been able to say yes to marriage, however. We lived together and it seemed to get worse. The blow-ups were more frequent and I had a hard time navigating. She seems to believe that marriage is what she wants and needs and if we were married, it would get better. I find myself believing her words and then what she shows me is often different.

I used to work as a programmer for a Fortune 200 company which had divisions managing 401(k), 403(b) and other retirement plans.  But several years ago they merged divisions and promptly told me thank you and goodbye.  Unsaid was that I was near retirement age.  Back then the 10% withdrawal penalty only applied to those under 55 years of age.  Beyond that, CC43 wrote accurately.

Remember this if/when you get to splitting assets from retirement accounts, typically at the end of a divorce process.  You do NOT cut her a check from your retirement account!  Instead, there is a court & retirement administrator process (QDRO) that must be followed or else you risk paying her taxes.  What the administrator does is create a new account there for your stbEx, and moves the court approved amount (if that applies) to her new account separate from you.  Only at that point do you have NO tax consequences because it is not your concern what she does with it thereafter.

P.S.

I read that you are considering draining your retirement accounts for funds.  A question for you:  are the retirement accounts in a 401(k) plan sponsored by your employer?  Many plans will allow you to borrow funds.  You could ask your HR team about that.  I think borrowing would be better than an early withdrawal, which comes with personal taxes plus a 10% penalty.  There's such as thing as a hardship withdrawal, too.  You could look into that as a back-up plan.  One caution however:  if you lose your job, you typically have to repay the loan.  That's why it would be good to talk to HR or your 401(k) plan administrator to get all the details, and consider the pros and cons.

I agree with Notwendy, I don't think you'll be able to cohabitate once you file for divorce.  Your spouse is high conflict with destructive/violent tendencies--if she misbehaves when you make a reasonable request to share her financial information, she'll go ballistic with news of a divorce.

I think you need to make plans and have some back-up plans, too.  That's yet another reason to get your finances in order, because you might need to use some credit cards and emergency funds to live apart.  My sister, a victim of domestic violence by her uNPD husband, was fortunate to be able to escape her home and live with her parents for a while.  Even so, abandoning her home was not cheap; moving never is cheap.

It's true that couples might end up cohabitating for a while because divorce is too expensive.  I know of a case in my extended family where exes continued living in the marital home together for about a year, before they had sorted out new living arrangements and saved enough money to work out a settlement.  Cohabitation was awkward and very uncomfortable, but they made it through. One of the exes was able to refinance the mortage and buy out his ex-wife's share of the marital property.  But keep in mind that this couple didn't have to deal with untreated mental illness and associated irrational (and often self-destructive) behaviors.  Though they had their disagreements, they were able to reach an acceptable settlement with a mediator because they were able to negotiate in good faith for the most part--they both wanted to separate and move on.  I just don't see that happening with your spouse, based on what you've described.

I could have written this. Yes, we're all narcissistic...I too have zero empathy, only for her though since everyone else I've ever known disagrees. And yeah, it's very hard to wrap your head around their splitting and misinterpretations, no logic will fix this. Mine also demanded I go to therapy alone, and even demanded I bring up the issues she had with me, hoping they'd convince me to give in to her demands...both therapists told me to run away, and quick. We're all selfish too, and God I hated hearing 'I don't feel heard'. I still don't even know what that meant, other than her goal was for me to shut up and just listen to her complaints and agree I'm awful. It's hit and miss in telling your partner you were told you weren't diagnosed. They'll say you spun stories, weren't honest, didn't talk about what YOU do. And for me it was a whole new string of issues in that I didn't care about the relationship enough to try and be better. I wish you the best of luck.

Hello,

I am sorry that this accusations of NPD are going on for so long and that you believed her. Like Pook and Rowdy said it is common for pwBPD to accuse others of their problems (projection). When my pwBPD is dysregulated he can say that I have no empaty. But in reality I just have no understamding for his crazy behaviour/demands/accusations when dysregulated. At that time he also sometimes demands from me to get psychiatric treatment including meds and demands that I confess I also have psychiatric problems. He says I always just think of myself, never listen to him, never admit I am wrong etc. when reality is dofferent. I learnt to stand my ground in this and just calmly say that psychologist said I dont have personality problems, I did tests for autism which also showed I do not have it and nicely ask him to stop. It does not bring wonders, but he is kindly reminded he cannot push me indefinetly and slowly stops.He is on meds and they help him not to dysregulate so much any more luckily.

I think it will be easier for you when your therapist tells you an oppinion on your mental health stats. Maybe the friend clinical psychologist could also give you some oppinion. Then you could use this info from  professionals to make boundaries against this NPD accusations you are facing. It wont be easy, even more so because it was going on for so long, but I think you will just have to endure through all the drama that will probably come with setting the boundary to keep your sanity…


Good luck!