Not sure how to begin.  I'm married 35+ years with 2 children and one step child to a woman who is clearly BPD.  I did not know that early on, but I did know that she had "emotional issues" from day 1.  It has been a long road.  I don't have to tell everyone on this forum how difficult this has been, of course.  But I am happy that I have finally found a place to share my experiences and frustrations with people who have been dealing with the kinds of things that I have. 

HI,
This sounds like a lot, and I'm really sorry. This sounds like a dangerous situation for your family. And not one that is going to get better without some changes. In my opinion,  physical abuse shouldn't be tolerated, so maybe it is time to get the police involved.

From a boundaries perspective, boundaries are what YOU will do if X happens. Because we have no true control over another person's actions, we control what we will do in response to them. So, for example - if you hit me again, I will leave the room and not bring you dinner/take away the car/turn off your phone plan/not drive you to class/call the police. Those are all things you do because you control you.

I've struggled mightily with boundaries. They are still hard for me, honestly, so I get it. No one really tells you how to do them. I found it helpful to read a few books: My Daughter has BPD, Boundaries by Henry Cloud, Stop Caretaking the BPD. But I did have to get myself a therapist.

Like you, I have been most worried about making sure my daughter feels validated and loved, but when they are in a flare-up and dysregulated, our love or kindness often fuels more dysregulation and reinforces the behavior. That's not me saying it, but the official literature.

In DBT, they say reinforce the behaviors you want to see and don't reinforce the ones you don't.

There's a lot to unpack in your story, so I would highly suggest the Family Connections class by NEA BPD as one option and a BPD-experienced therapist as another. It's impossible to parent our kids as we would parent regularly because the things that show love and connection are not interpreted by them in that way for all sorts of reasons. Hang in there.

Hi Trying306
You are surely in a very difficult position – particularly as DD is now a legal adult (here she would be). In reading your post I am wondering a few things such as do you see DD take the prescribed meds or do you hand them to her and presume she is taking them?

The other side could be that the meds are not well targeted and affecting her in many ways such as quality of sleep.

Also what meds has DD been prescribed? This does give a clue as to what the doctor has identified. You describe the morning scene – and also that DD suffered from social anxiety from a young age. The morning you describe is one that I can really identify with. The tension at that time of day I found to be connected to poor sleep – unable to get to sleep, then tired in the morning – and huge anxiety at the anticipation of the day ahead.

There were two responses – one was all out blaming and abusing me, the other was avoidance ie refuse to get up. Do you have an idea of DD’s ability to get to sleep and her sleep quality?

I do think timing of boundaries is important. A lot of the time I think we put up one when we have reached the end of our tether and are trying to stop ourselves drowning under the weight of the chaos. It is the end of the academic year here – not sure where you are in the world and how that fits with her studies.

This might sound ridiculous, but I think the most important thing at the moment is to let go of your anxiety regarding DD. My DD picked up on mine and it sent her anxiety through the roof. I learnt to do what I had to do but put my mind in another place. It as especially the case driving her to school. Talking made her anxiety a lot worse. If I was anxiously driving her, it made it worse .

There is a great deal to sort and I think focusing on one thing is helpful. I am speaking only from my experience of course but I would:
-observe what is happening re meds and know what they are supposed to be doing
- step back in my mind so that I disengaged emotionally from DD. If you do this for a while, I found it helped enormously for DD to be able to express what was happening for her.

I am probably not making sense – so apologies. I understand the importance of getting her to class etc – and I would prioritize that too – it’s just that it doesn’t seem as though the professional support has got to the bottom of your DD’s issues. The focus on you as a target of anger etc sure looks like BPD, but are there sensory processing issues, ADHD – just thinking aloud!

Separating your finances may be the next step, but is it enough from a legal standpoint?  Are your credit cards and other loan/mortgage accounts all separate, not joint?  From here it's hard remotely to know whether that would be enough to separate you legally from her spending habits.  Technically, divorce might sever most financial obligations but are you considering that option?

I have posted often that I'm convinced that BPD sufferers know exactly what they're doing far more than they would have us know. It can't all be blamed on their condition. My ex could 'play' me whenever she wanted and try to guilt me into believing everything was always my fault. Same with her family and friends too; she showed a lot of premeditation and planning during her outbursts. They are very adept at finding your triggers and using them.

We all thought of ourselves as being the one who would save them but eventually you realise that you're fighting a battle which, at best, you can only attain a temporary peace until the next incident. We ignore the red flags because at the start, the relationship is fantastic and it seems we've found our soulmate. Just the first stage of the BPD experience.


Yes, we all felt like that at one time because we've never encountered a relationship like BPD, where no normal rules seem to apply, and we can easily start to think 'there's only one possible explanation left - it must be something I'm doing wrong'.  Once you start thinking like that you can end up doing what the BPD does and mentally rearrange - or create - facts to fit your thoughts and reinforce your wrong feelings of guilt.

You're not to blame. She will almost certainly have had the same problems with previous partners, as BPD is such a repeating cyccle that always ends up the same. She may blame all her previous partners but they can't all have been 'villains' and you shouldn't think of yourself as one either.

It is very hard though, because we're caring and loving people who only want to see the best in our partners. I've always thought it very ironic that we put far more effort into a BPD relationship than we ever do in a 'normal' one yet we get less joy in return.

Hi everyone,

It’s been a while since I last posted. I’ve continued reading here but haven’t had the bandwidth to write. A lot has happened, and I’m hoping to get some support, perspective, and grounding as I figure out next steps. A lot of ups and a lot of downs. A lot of self help books and therapy continues. Progress, not perfection

Some Major Events:

1. A significant crisis—72-hour psychiatric hold
In July my wife had an episode where she became highly dysregulated and made explicit suicidal threats. I had no choice but to call for help, and she was placed on a 72-hour psych hold. I surprised myself that I was able to do it. She was mad/sad/mixed about it. Her family supported me and agreed I had no choice. No follow up therapy or diagnosis came of it though but looking back on it she says now it was a wake up call.

The whole incident started after our 2nd couples therapy session with a therapist I found who specialized in BPD and emotional regulation. She was expensive and didn't take insurance but I was willing to give it a shot. I really liked her and my wife said she did as well. The therapist saw my wife dysregulated in session. She said we need to suspend couples therapy until my wife gets individual therapy and recommended her trying DBT. We only saw the therapist one more time. This was the 2nd therapist that outright said we couldn't do any couples therapy until my wife received individual. I've told my wife since that I won't return to couples therapy again until she gets her own. After that 2nd sessions my wife engaged me in a multi-hour, circular conversation, expressing intense distress about what I shared in therapy and other topics. Despite my efforts to stay calm and redirect the conversation to future sessions, she cycled through a series of grievances, interrogations, and accusations. It just continued the next day - she claimed I wasn’t showing enough love or support and said my involvement in CODA was pulling me away from her. She insisted I give it up, blaming it for the changes and how I set boundaries. Told me to only go to church for guidance and these other groups are toxic. It continued the next morning telling me hateful things, threatening to throw expensive items of mine in the pool and that's when she started saying she wanted to die, prayed God would take her on the way to work. She ended up going to work and I made sure she got there but early afternoon she was sending me messages that she wanted to kill herself. I was able to reach our therapist and she said I needed to call the police. I did and they reviewed the messages and determined she should be held in a psych facility.


2. Some behavioral shift after she stopped HRT (hormone replacement therapy)
I've been dealing with these extreme behaviors for the past 8-10 years, maybe more. This year things seemed to be escalating and getting crazier then ever. I mean I felt like there were times my wife was completely unhinged and psychotic was the only word that came to mind. Serious threats, following me around when I try to take space. Grabbing me or my things to prevent me from leaving the house. Over the past couple of months, I noticed a reduction in intensity. She seems better able to handle some situations. Not quite as sensitive. I mean the core is still there but my daughter and I both have noticed my wife is more stable emotionally. My wife was the one who actually came to me to say how different she's been feeling, how level and just is able to handle issues better then before. She says she looks back at how she was acting and said it wasn't acceptable and herself has used the word psychosis to describe her state. We came to the conclusion that part of the additional intensity this year was due to a double dose of her HRT treatment in January (pellet injections). She was previously receiving HRT every 3-4 months but because they messed up and she got a 2nd dose she didn't get another one (and still hasn't almost 12 months later).

Things are not perfect by any means but we (my daughter and I) have been able to settle our nervous systems somewhat. There are much fewer upsets and they're over more quickly and haven't gotten as extreme.

the past 8-10 years are just following my wife's hysterectomy. She's had a few different HRT treatments but ever since then it for sure when things got worse, and unhinged.

Where Things Stand Now

Despite some calmer months, we’re now at a crossroads:
My wife has recently decided to resume HRT—this time at a lower dose. She believes it will help with energy, libido, and physical well-being. I’m apprehensive because now looking back it's clear how HRT treatment would result in an uptick of dysregulated behavior. And she decided to do this on Dec 15 so right about christmas is when she'll have her first hormone spike I wager...

I’ve been doing my own work—therapy, journaling, Al-Anon/CoDA principles, reading Pete Walker - found out I really have some deeper CPTSD issues and have a terrible fawn 4F response, inner-child work, etc.—and I’ve noticed a huge shift in how much I’m able to detach from the chaos. But the core patterns in the relationship are still very much present.

Why I'm Posting Now

Financially things are not in a complete free fall but we're still in a terrible, financially unsecure place. $40k in high interest debt and zero savings. I've been able to stave off going further into the whole and at least staying level but that isn't sustainable. I sat with her a few weeks ago to show her my account (I have a personal account and we share a joint account). I wanted to be open and transparent. I was keeping my personal account private from her for a while because she spends everything to zero every single month. and it was how I initially was able to stop spending everything - I kept enough money in my account to cover expenses as they came up. She's been keeping her personal account private from me and going into next year I'm not going to be okay with the status quo. I put 95% of my income into everything and she puts maybe 30-40% of hers. Somehow she's always out of money but I know approx. what she earns and the household bills she pays. Based on that she blows through $3k-$4k every month. But when I spoke to her it was all about me being open and transparent with her.

I've used my therapist and ChatGPT to help me come up with a dialogue and approach to how to broach the topic of finance and having transparency, and a more fair and balanced approach to us supporting the household with prioritizing savings, debt and once we're in a stable place then start saving for travel/goals.

I was going to wait until after xmas but once I found out she was getting her HRT it couldn't wait. I NEED to do it before she gets that treatment, there's a small chance she'll be more open to discussions in her current state but the most likely end result is she'll dysregulate, call me controlling and refuse.

I want transparency and us to see each others finances and accounts. I want us both to review each others spending so we can both have trust and look at patters for both of us and determine how to plan better. My therapist, other support avenues and chatgpt all assure me I'm asking for very reasonable things in a marriage. And in fact her hiding her money and spending amounts to financial infidelity if not financial abuse. I'm expected to carry the weight while she continues to plan personal vacations and spend basically until her balance is zero.

I don't have high expectations and am bracing for a very difficult conversation and fallout afterwards. I want to be direct with expectations but be fair. I can only control myself so if she doesn't cooperate with sharing accounts or making changes (ultimately setting limits on her personal spending and contributing more to savings and debt payoff) then I have a backup plan which is to separate our finances. It will not be pretty for her. It will mean stopping payment for anything of hers, removing myself off our LLC and we'd have to file individually after this year which means we would both pay higher taxes, I would reduce how much I spend on eating out to 1/4 of what we spend now which means I might pay for once a month. She would be responsible for her own gas, tolls, apple purchases, and everything. It won't be pretty but I would be able to start making a dent. Of course I don't know how long that would last or be sustainable. It already doesn't feel like much of a marriage some time. I'm already resentful about the imbalance. It's just a step I need to take and gives me more information. Perhaps if I actually make it uncomfortable and stick with my boundaries consistently she may step up. Not holding my breath but trying to do things differently.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and your experiences sound very familiar.  My ex wife was also the unconventional type while my daughter has traditional BPD.

I realize that you needed to vent and get it out on paper, so hopefully it felt good.  You've been through a lot and you're dealing with trauma, with grief.  It's so hard.  Now is a great time to begin studying boundaries and how to avoid so much of what your sister brings.

I remember one time my ex wife did something to get me upset, and I told her that she was being unreasonable.  Honestly, I can't remember what it was...I've learned to forgive and let go.  But whatever it was, my ex replied to me, "That's not a thing, you shouldn't be upset by that.  If you are then that's your problem."

There were so many conversations like that- everything was about her needs, her feelings, while mine didn't matter.  But our relationship changed once I started to implement boundaries and learned to push back in a loving way.  The fights stopped and for almost a decade, we had peace between us.

What have you read about boundaries?  And what have you tried?

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and so many here can relate based on their relationships.

Can I ask how old your ex is?  She sounds younger and that definitely plays a factor with BPD.  Maturity comes slower and lessons come so much harder.

To move past this, continue to do what you're doing.  I'd pack up her stuff and get it out- send it to her mom if you have to.  You have to break that cycle though and since it's only been a month, your mind is still trying to process what the heck happened.  The simple answer is that she was mentally ill- everything that happened came from her thinking with emotion instead of logic or reasoning.  She's sick...and she made very poor choices because she was broken inside.

I'm so glad you found us though a please, keep venting...let this out.  Try to stay busy as well and get out of the house (hobbies, friends, whatever).  Exercise works wonders for processing grief- now's a great time to join a gym or pick up a sport/hobby.  And find someone local to talk this out with- a therapist, a pastor, or simply friends/family.  They won't fully understand but that's okay.

Background:

My parents are wonderful. Full of grace, compassion, so supportive, emotionally in-tune, and reasonable. We are also all christians, which I have found makes this complex for me personally in knowing what is the right thing to do. I believe reconciliation is what is best because ultimately that is what Jesus did - he reconciled us to God.

My sister and I are extremely close. Planned pregnancies around each other, spent every day talking or hanging out - even sometimes twice a day.

However, it hasn't come without an unbelievable amount of conflict. Since I was a teenager she has threatened and leveraged her relationship with me.

While we maintained very close relationship, it came with a lack of her acknowledging things. She truly has told me on multiple occasions she has nothing to work on and has done nothing wrong. She doesn't show a lack of humility- it is always a resounding confidence that her opinion is correct and any opposition to that she will not tolerate.

She's getting a divorce. Her husband was emotionally abusive and intimidating. There is a lot of problems there that no one has ever denied. She has been told by church leaders that she can divorce this man and that there would be zero church discipline.

This summer we went to the beach, but of course she left early. It was a massive deal, just like every vacation and holiday or family event is. I spend half my time consoling her. Well, this time she got mad at me because she said I need to "validate her" over a fight with my sister and mom and herself. Well I disagreed. What happened was my oldest sister told her kids to stop running. My BPD sister told them to stop running twice. On the third time, my oldest sister (their mom) raised her voice and said "Guys, park it!" They are 8 and 9.

My BPD sister took all of the toddlers (mine and hers) out of the room and gave my oldest sister a disturbing look, as if she was dangerous. This is when it all went extremely south. She claims that her children and herself are so traumatized that even something like this situation is triggering. You see, trauma has now become to perfect excuse for her behavior. She can be a real victim and have chaotic behavior because she was "triggered"

She left the beach trip early because she said she was "alone" and went home and briefly reunited with her husband she was separated from. Which we knew would happen. We all called it.

Anyways, several weeks later after a couple more fights I told her she was controlling and manipulative. I told her she has leveraged her relationship with me since I was 14. She got so upset, but then she texted me and said she would pray about whether or not she was.

Well, she needed up saying she didn't think she was, which I completely accepted. I didn't fight her on it- if she felt that way it was fine, but I felt differently. She told me that until I retract what I said she would no longer share anything with me. I told her "why can you call out my sin but I can't call you yours?" and she said "Because what I was is true" (she believes I have an anger problem) And I had told her two years ago that I would work on my anger with her, and by God's grace I have. He has strengthened me to not lash out at her in most situations, of course I have failed at times.

Anyways I told her that I didn't believe it was her identity but that didn't matter - she then went on to accuse me of a "smear campaign" - she had reached out to other friends and specifically asked them what sin they see in her life. they told her control and manipulation - they thought these things APART from me. They had their own conflict with her.

When she blew up on her friends and cut them off, I called her. I told her and tried to plead with her to just be okay with us disagreeing, but she said no. She said I had re traumatized her - and that solidified so much for me to hear her say that. I will just never be able to communicate anything of substance. She claims my entire family, her church, and her friends have re traumatized her, enabled her abuser, and trigger her. There's no getting through to her because she uses trauma as her scapegoat.

She is now saying until I admit that I re traumatized her and process how I have, the foundation of our relationship will be broken. She said until I show true repentance, she will not continue our relationship.

I have told her so many times she asks me to go against my conscience - these are things I see in her. I do see control and manipulation. I'm not allowed to have autonomy of thought.

SOOOOO much more has happened it is just so much to type out.

She screamed at my "YOU'RE OUT OF MY LIFE" so loud the neighbors came out, but she never acknowledged it. I waited a month. During that time she contacted me mostly for things she needed - same with my parents, asking for money or childcare - and then when thanksgiving came around she said she wanted to have thanksgiving with us, but she would not call us back! She truly refused to talk to us on the phone even about scheduling. She said we could text her and she would not be calling.

My mom texted her and suggested she call me because we were feeling anxious about thanksgiving. She responded in bold font about her boundaries and how her and her kids wouldn't be coming and she cancelled their birthday party to "protect her peace"

I finally texted her and addressed when she screamed at me over a month ago - she never repsonded. Instead, she texted my dad and told him that me, him, and my mom were being cut off- no contact. She isn't allowing us to see her kids. My parents are hurting over this - my whole family is. It is really hard.

I read Walking on Eggshells this summer and so many things resonated with me about my sister - I do think its the unconventional type.

It's hard to accept that she would rather it be this way. My family does not deserve even remotely to be cut off. They are the most respectful, gracious, loving parents. And what's so confusing is I saw her in public and she said hi to me. I don't get it. I feel so sad. She was my best friend. I am realizing though how unhealthy the relationship was all along - periods of distance as punishment. It still hurts though, even if it is a disorder, it is extremely painful.

Thank you to those that have responded. I have read quite a bit on the site and it does make me feel less alone.

She is not in therapy. She has been very off and on with it, and has never been a regular attendee. She says that it doesn't help, or that the therapist is wrong. She says she is misdiagnosed mostly because she doesn't agree, and refuses to be labeled. She is very smart and an avid reader of psychology books, and has often said that she knows what to say and do to get things her way. We are in a same sex relationship and she often points to her past coming out as a reason for her anger.

It is very hard not to believe all of this is somehow my fault. I saw the red flags very early on and ignored them. She "needed me" - said I was the only one that could temper her anger. I think that made me feel heroic of sorts. But the anger is pretty bad - name calling, threats to me and my family, and always shame over her actions later. Words like "you know I would never do that to you" and "of course you know I love you - I just need more." It makes me feel guilty for leaving or not accepting the behavior.