I understand that courts are both slow and loath to act.  I also think that they move to separate kids from parents only in extreme circumstances, like domestic violence or incest.  Even criminals are allowed to see their kids.  Nevertheless, I think courts will step in when it comes to kids' safety.  In the case of my disordered uNPD BIL, the solution was to require adult-supervised visits, as well as prohibit him from driving with the kids, and require him to pass a breathalyzer test during visitation.

Having said that, nothing really prevents my BIL from insulting his ex or his kids . . . but during in-person visitation, he's supervised by another adult.  During phone calls, he's not.  Little "forces" him to comply with the parenting plan, and he remains largely non-compliant with the terms of the divorce, too.  For example, it took him over a year to vacate the marital home and put it up for sale in accordance with the divorce decree.  He left the home in such ill repair after living in it alone during the pendancy of divorce that it remains unsold, despite listing it well below the Zillow estimated value, while he refuses to fix key issues like the A/C and septic tank.  What I'm trying to say is that you should ASSUME that any parenting plan or divorce decree will involve some non-cooperation on the part of your ex, because that's the way she is.

It sounds to me like your biggest issue right now is that you can't "end" interacting with your ex because your kids are involved.  Alas, I don't think you can prevent your ex from badmouthing you and spreading false stories behind your back.  I'd say, try not to engage with her at all, except concerning logistics with your kids.

There's also nothing stopping her from filing claims in the courts.  If you're in the US, anybody can sue anybody.  But I'd think that if the suits are frivolous, you could have the case dismissed and demand that the plaintiff pay your legal fees.  My ex BIL also tried to play the court system durning the custody case . . . and even though he was a lawyer, he didn't follow the process correctly, and the court basically slapped his hand.  Ultimately he was found in contempt of court, and they ruled in favor of my sister, who remained the reasonable and compliant one throughout the multi-year process, always putting the kids' interests first and foremost.  I wish the same for your ex and you.

There's a saying here, the three C's.  You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.  That's why you do what you CAN do... take care of yourself!

As they say at the start of every air flight, "In the event of an emergency, first put on your own oxygen mask before helping others."

Understand that a child - as much as children are such great blessings - will bring a big change to your marriage.  The twosome aspect is in the past.  Having kids makes makes any marriage more complicated.  With mental health issues being present, this will make life that much more complicated.  So be as prepared as possible for surprises.

Family abuse and conflict is a multi-generational issue.  One goal you should have is to do your best to avoid family conflict being passed onto the next generation.  Well, as best you can.

We get it.  We comply and get little or no credit while the ex fights everything and gets few or weak consequences.  It's almost as though the court sees us as more responsible and thus more consequence-worthy but keeps acting more as a passive referee hoping the players figure it out, as though you're only bickering.

In my experience the problem is that a psych eval is quite limited.  My ex and I were both ordered to take psych evals when we initially separated.  I complied.  No surprise, the university grad student's report listed "anxiety".  My ex?  To this day, over 2 decades later, I don't even know whether she even took her psych eval.  And yes, no consequences.

What I learned from that experience is that when you both are ordered to do something, might be a good idea for your attorney to merely inform the other side you've got your part done and wait for them to appear and submit their part.  Otherwise you'll comply and be left whistling in the  wind.

As CC43 wrote, a mental health diagnosis by itself will mean little, it's the impact of her parenting on the kids.  In my case I had a few magistrates who were of no help but eventually the rotation came around to the no-nonsense magistrate.  Between the magistrates, a lengthy Custody Evaluation by a respected expert child psychologist, a GAL for our child and my lawyer... the disparagement, the obstruction and the legal sabotage were addressed.  Sadly, we didn't get to that point until long after my two year divorce.


That publicity posturing is somewhat rare here and we have to be careful not to speculate, but with your ex doing all this publicity amplifying all the issues, I wonder whether you might conclude she's co-morbid with Histrionic PD, where she must be the center of attention.

We had a member here over a decade ago who had an ex like that and that BPD/HPD combo was devastating and had their family court tied up in circles.

Are you still in the divorce process?  Are you still living under a temp order?  Do you have a Guardian ad Litem (GAL = lawyer representing the children)?  As with a Custody Evaluator, a GAL must be well qualified, experienced, unbiased and not easily gullible.  My divorce took 2 years, yet it took several more years before court finally addressed her antics.  Once I obtained full legal guardianship (custody) and went back successfully to get majority time, my ex's entitlement balloon deflated a bit and we never went to court again.  However, if your ex is Histrionic, whether diagnosed or not, even that may not resolve the conflict.

Gift yourself some time to recover and find a new equilibrium.  Once this relationship is firmly in the past, grant yourself a year, perhaps more to shake loose the willies.  How can you know how much time?  One yardstick is when you meet someone new and you don't start talking about the crazy ex.

I know what you mean. It’s hard to feel like you’ve done something good when you’re being screamed at and called names. But Notwendy nails it — that is on her, not you. Your actions are what you can control and change. You’ll get sucked back in sometimes. But that doesn’t negate the hard things you are trying to do and doing.

Do the children have a GAL? Much can be done through a good guardian ad litem, since they are focused on representing the children's best interest.

I document everything.  All she does is run her mouth, I have hours of evidence and witnesses.  The court does nothing.  They won't even listen to if she talks bad to the kids.  It's just like BPD, don't bring it up type thing.  It's all hearsay. 

Hi there!

Welcome to the group.  I can see you are a jovial guy, and that it hurts you can't really be that way when you're with your wife, because you're focussing all your effort on managing her emotions.

I can also see you have a keen sense of what is going on in your relationship.

My advice?  You be you.  Like you wrote, "No matter what I do, I can never be enough and past mistakes/slipups/disappointments are always brought up in fights and goalposts are constantly moving."  The reason for this is that you didn't cause BPD, you can't control it and you can't cure it, no matter how much you want to.  Only your wife can do that.  The good news is, she's had some success with medications, she's open to working on herself, and she even apologizes sometimes.  On this site, it's rare that pwBPD recognize how their behavior hurts those around them, let alone apologize for it.  Instead, what seems to be the norm is a pervasive victim attitude, blaming others for causing all their distress, while not taking any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Anyway, I'd say, you be you.  Your wife married you because you are fantastic, exactly how you are, and you need to stay true to yourself.  You're lucky, because you're smart and fun to be with.  You make sure you take exquisite care of yourself.  You focus on doing your job.  You maintain your friendships, because they will help keep you grounded.  You take some breaks, if that's what you need to adjust your mindset and get out of a fight-or-flight state, so that when your wife is in distress, you can listen with empathy without getting "sucked in" to her negative emotions, without JADEing and defending yourself from baseless accusations.  If your wife is lashing out at you and making you distressed, then I'd say, you take a time out, while simultaneously putting her in an adult time out.  Don't blame her; just say something simple like, "This is stressing me out, I'm taking a quick walk."  If she's accusing you of being a lazy, terrible spouse who has never done anything right and who is going to be a terrible parent, you just think silently to yourself, well that's ridiculous, and most likely what wife is worried about, because she's scared of the future.  You go ahead and give her some time and space to self-regulate, while at the same time, giving yourself some time and space too!  You don't "reward" her meanness with your attention.  Instead, you take a walk, do some push-ups, or do a semi-mindless, wordless task like folding clothes, sweeping the front steps, sorting the mail, wiping down the counters or taking out the trash.  I'm mentioning these light, physical activities because I think they help give the brain a little break, a reset, and on top of that, you reward yourself by getting stuff done and tidying your environment, reclaiming a little control over your life.

Anyway, if your wife is accusing you of things that aren't true, or if she's searching the archive of past wrongs and bringing them up when they aren't warranted, that's typical BPD.  Most of the time, she's projecting her own self-hatred onto you.  She's unleashing her negative emotions onto you, in a misguided attempt to rid herself of them, while getting you to feel the extent of her own pain.  She's on an emotional rollercoaster and trying to get you to ride alongside her.  With BPD, misery doesn't like company, misery likes miserable company!  But you don't deserve to be miserable, and you don't have to ride the emotional rollercoaster.  You can wait patiently by the exit.

Hope that perspective helps a little.

I have an attorney and they just keep saying I have to go through the procedure.  A pro se BPD just files files files all kinds of stuff.  Accusations of not sending discovery or missing files that prove the conspiracy, well they don't exist.  At this point I think the judge and everyone knows something is off but they have to go by the law.  I'm just tired of every single time she wants to file something I have to pay more money to have a hearing over what she perceives to be the truth.  Then violate the orders and cry wolf when a contempt is filed, and everyone is biased and we need a recusal and to transfer venue.  She's so comfortable she argues with the judge and tells him he doesn't know the law.  Every day I take off of work is a court date, I would like to not pay an attorney and not have to use all my pto on hearings.  I'm just trying to figure out how to end this, it's obvious to everyone that something isn't right with her.

No he doesn't accept compliments but doesn't treat them with suspicion. He just doesn't take them in, which is a big problem because if he did he might not be so focused on the 1 second of each day when I wasn't trying to make sure he was okay. (slight exaggeration but you get the gist).

Very true about the sky being blue metaphor too!

It's so very sad that it's turned out like this. I think it's ruined me for future relationships too, especially as I'm no spring chicken!