Thank you for your advice. It is helpful to read these supportive comments.

Hiya, Elderly mom, not diagnosed, but in several posts back in time, I sounds much like it.

She's alone, and I have done lots for her, since my dad died.  Now she's very appealing about the old carpet in the living room.

Normally I help only so much, that she can have succes with the project, bc she has huge standards especilly around home decorations, and the same time, at the same time  she's acting very appealing and helpless, so I have to question into the process.

Actually, I couldn't care less how the process is done and by whom, so I just try to remember what she says she want and don't want.

The living room wall-to-wall carpet is 40 yo and it gives her a lot of allergies, because 40 years of dust lies deep within it. That's fair enough.

Now I have interviewed her about what carpet she want and found out who she want it from and promised to drop by the days the carpet guys are visiting. That's ok too.

But when we're going to set an exact date to start this project, she gets a very negative attitude and when I suggest a month, it couldn't have been worse for her. She's in her late 80s and has nothing she has to do. Every day is an empty retirement day for her. But when I suggest a date, she always wanna postpone it. if we talk about it at fall, it can't be before Christmas, after New Year it has to be in the spring, and now in the summer I suggested doing it, remove the furniture for her together with the carpet-people and kind of getting it over with, so she doesn't have to go through the summer thinking so much about it. And she does. She sees everything that could possible go wrong. So after finally sketching a carpet-change-plan with her, she reacts like I'm pressing her into something she absolutely don't want. And I mean, it was her idea alone.

So now the new carpet is postponed to late summer or fall, not the best time, because at summer we can move some of the furniture out door, while the guys put on the carpet. but no.

She does this with everything that has to planned, and where I as her son of cource wanna help her out. So I kind of have to progress every plan in micros steps, hoping that she don't reach her limit, where she want the project postponed or halted.  I already can see the circus when summer gives place to fall, bc that's when she wants a en telly.

is this reaction where a person wants help, acts helpless and when people finally offer to help that person has so many requirements and then the person pulls the handbrake everytime we're rolling just a tiny bit, is that in any way, shape or form connected to BPD, or is it just another trait that just deflates my energy to help?

All best and thanks

If your BPD daughter has other people to lean on- then let them deal with it and let them figure it out on their own. For now, you have some self care and recovery to do. It's important to recover your financial security.

At about your grandchild's age- which seems to be almost a year- she will also be eating some solid food, table food, finger feeding, and learning to use a sippy cup. The nutritional need for breast milk is less than before, and the nursing is also a comfort, but having nursed for almost a year, your grandbaby got most of the benefit from that. From that perspective, your grandbaby will be OK.

What you may also be seeing with the baby is the emotional effect of having an inconsistent bond with her mother. It is possible that her mother isn't emotionally mature or stable enough to actually be a parent, but there's no way to make someone who is like this into a mature parent. For now, if she's with her birth parent's family- let them do their part. I realize this is heartbreaking for you as a grandparent, but you have done what you can do and now, it's important that you take care of yourself. If it ever comes to where your D loses custody- she would have to have parenting classes and supervised visits to gain that back. That isn't a bad outcome and it also may be a motivator for her. For now- you can take this space to take care of you.

Thank you. I am reading the material now.

This may be just a wild guess (and we here can't know for sure) but do you think your H may be on the spectrum? High functioning people on the spectrum can be shy and introverted, and have anxiety in social situations. Some of the behaviors are similar to BPD- people in the spectrum can have anxiety, "mask" in social situations, and have a need for routine, similar to OCD, and focused interests. They can also have anger outbursts when feeling overwhelmed. If he's been diagnosed as BPD I could be way off with this, but reading your posts about him having discomfort and sensory overload with your large family and the statement he "had enough people time"- I wondered.

While BPD mother didn't like my father's family, her social persona was charming and socially savvy. She could be manipulative and also lie to get her needs met, something not usual to someone on the spectrum. Still, she would often back out of social situations at times, and then at other times, seem to want to socialize.

I suppose it's possible to have some of both BPD and ASD- ASD isn't a PD but people are complicated. The reason I brought up the idea is your H's anxiety about being around your family and him being introverted and shy. For ASD, it's more about social difficulty than BPD thinking.

I have two observations.

• You cannot risk yourself by overextending yourself financially.  You can't stop her from squandering her disability income, but it's time for you to stop squandering your finances too.
• She's not really listening to you, not in a positive way, so it's probably best to set Boundaries, as described in a couple Boundaries topics on the Tools and Skills Workshops board.  For example, if she goes onn a tirade you can choose to exit and do something else rather than to continue to be her venting target.

Many counselors and therapists are very reluctant to give direct testimony since they've been previously burned by lawsuits or complaints to their licensing boards.

However, many here have found that therapists are willing to "consult" with court-recognized officials such as Custody Evaluators, Guardian ad Litems (GALs), children's protection services, etc by providing history, background and other supporting information.

I also recall the first degreed counselor I saw.  I finally stopped after three sessions where the sessions focused on my childhood FOO (Family of Origin).  While I don't deny the benefit of delving into my childhood, I had a far different priority... I was there to seek help on my imploding marriage and aggressively abusive, raging and disparaging spouse.  She offered no suggestions nor even mentioned the acting-out personality disorders.  It was only months later when on the phone seeking a home visit did a staffer at a local hospital comment, "sounds like a personality dysfunction".  That single clue tipped befuddled and clueless me off about the various PDs.

In my situation, my daughter who is adopted, truly did have a bad childhood which is how she ended up borderline. She was in the service and has a substantial disability pension. She spends her money on weed, her nails and door dash. She seems to be resentful of her baby lately which is disturbing.

She is not competent and has poor executive functioning. She doesn’t keep her psychiatric appointments and tends to lay around watching television much of the time. This recent episode was precipitated by her going out and leaving the baby with me. She has been breastfeeding and the baby could not be comforted. I told her to come home. Her response was to lock herself in her room with her baby for two days. Then she abruptly weaned her baby in one day. The baby was inconsolable. I was livid that she weaned the baby so fast but she informed me that summer was coming and that she intended to leave the baby with me so she could go out.

Wednesday morning I told her that we needed to discuss her contribution to the house. I asked her to give me half the utilities.She told me I could earn the money by watching my granddaughter. I told her that I don’t want to be paid to watch my granddaughter and that her contribution should not be tied to that. She went from zero to one hundred and headfirst into a splitting episode. She made call after call complaining about me to the point that I got busy cleaning to some music. Finally I heard her talking about me to her birth father who lost custody of her for abuse. She was planning to have him watch the baby so she could go on a date. I heard her tell him not to call her unless it was an emergency. Meaning if the baby fussed that he would have to deal with it. Things just escalated from there until my husband got angry with her. She called her birth mother’s father to come and get her and off she went. As a parting gift she left me two bags full of poopy diapers in her room which stunk up the house once her AC was no longer on. I just don’t want her back anymore. I know I’m done this time.

This feels unnatural because as parents we love sharing life with our kids and we love being involved and hearing about their lives. What I keep coming up against with my son who has bpd is that sometimes knowing details is distressing for me. Actually often it is. It has been this way for most of his life. Maybe because he now has a stable job, and I see it gives him some stability - I think he will build on it and make wise and healthy decisions. The thing is, I'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster of stressing and worrying about his actions, and choices. I feel like I need to back off and not be curious about how things are going for him. I need to protect my right not to knoIt w. That hurts and it sucks when you love your child but honestly,  I don't know of another way. Do any of  you?
I've spent some time visiting him lately and I see him exhausted from lack of sleep- studying to renew his real estate license when he already has a very good full-time job and side work in his trade on weekends.  He tells me how little sleep he gets or that he hasn't eaten all day.??? I feel like he's making sure I stay hooked in. I think his longterm relationship with his girlfriend ended and he's filling up all his free time. I see bill (late notices) stacked on his counter. Yet his house is clean, laundry done... It makes my head spin. I feel I need to set a boundary for myself of not letting myself know too much about what's going on in his life. The thing also is, when I know - I want  to help, advise and rescue because I'm a mess worrying. 

The worst part is that they constantly want my help and when I try to honestly help, even in ways sensitive to their own fragile thought process, I immediately get stopped, talked over, or hear a “yeah, but”.   

They want my help, but the reality is they want validation of the very things they claim to want to try to get over.