Well, God bless you for that.  There's no telling where she might have ended up if you didn't adopt her.  I was adopted at birth so I know what that means- my entire life is something different if my parents didn't do what they did.

What you're describing is disordered thinking and it means she's unstable (which I'm sure you could have already guessed).  When she's in that mindset, it is not the time for heart to heart conversations because everything is going to be twisted into something else.  It's a truly heartbreaking disease and you can't take any of this personaly, even when it is deeply personal.

My BPD kid said something about me to a family member a few months back that ripped my heart out- I couldn't believe she'd make up something that sinister about me.  I didn't confront her though and I reached out to my ex wife (who's also BPD) and our other daughter.  They told family members that it was an outright lie, which was the main thing I was worried about.  But still, it stung and my BPD kid basically cut me off for being a horrible father (for correcting her massive lie to others about myself).

We have texted a bit recently though and my BPD daughter mentioned it to several other family members.  So I know she still cares about me and she probably regrets what she said.  I'll never get an apology though and I know that I'll have to live with that.  So again, I completely understand, because this lie alienated me from family for a time and I didn't even know about it for months.

Things will inevitably change in time though and you'll have more chances to reconnect.  I hope that somehow helps and I'm so sorry for what's going on with your mom.

This happened to me too. It broke up family relationships. It seemed so confusing and so unfair, and at a difficult time for me.

I still don't know exactly how it all happened this way or what the family members had heard or were thinking. It sadly resulted in long lasting confusion and divisions. Later on, some of BPD mother's family reached out to me and we were able to reconcile and begin to repair.

One of the practices suggested to me in counseling was to not say the word "you" and only use "I". It got awkward speaking that way but the idea was to think of ways to say things in that perspective, from my own side of the fence rather than to make it about the other person. In normal conversations, we have to use the word "you" sometimes but it helped to practice this.

Did I ever hear "don't patronize me" or an accusation? Yes, but using the "you" word would have escalated the situation.  Sometimes saying anything could result in an escalation. We can't control the other person. So we aren't doing this to try to do that. They will decide their own answer or reaction.

The goal for me is to keep out of the drama cycle. To the question "why did you go NC?" I could say "I needed a mental health break" and that might result in a not so kind response. But then, I don't have to react to that. The question has been answered on my part. If there's escalation, that is time to bow out of the conversation.

They may not like the answer but that's their choice.

What you say makes sense and when it has been the case, I do lean into apologizing or giving her a way back without wounding her pride. This time she outright lied about my participation in caring for the baby, told people I was financially using her, called me a bad mom publicly on Facebook. I have reached out but she is unresponsive. She also cut my mother off who is dying of metastatic cancer. My mother is heartbroken. She felt my mom took my side when all she said was that my daughter should try to meet me in the middle.

I have heard from her half sister that she is out drinking and partying. She knows because it’s being posted on Instagram. My husband did send her a text that her Nana is dying but no response as of yet. Most of my resources are directed at helping my mom transition to hospice care and making the most of the time we have left. I really hate this disease but I adopted her and I was warned by the court liaison that she was a very troubled child when I fought to remove her from an abusive guardian. I have brought this upon myself.

At times, sure.  But the reason why is what I shared over on your thread- they see everything as black/white or good/bad.

If you hate someone and think that they're out to ruin you, would one statement like that change everything?  Probably not.  But by doing it consistently over time, their thinking changes and the "switch flips" from black to white. 

It takes time and so much patience...we all fail far more than we succeed.

Have you encountered a PWBPD who will react to this type of thing by deflecting or rejecting it - saying things like "stop gaslighting me," or claim that you are being insincere?

Thank you. I think it's largely this - she felt disregarded, or like she was not centered or properly consulted, with respect to some decisions related to the death and the aftermath of it. Things for which she was not the decision-maker and was impacted only indirectly.   A "normal" person might, at most, have expressed anger or hurt, taken some time or created some distance, and moved on.  Instead, she reacted like these decisions were direct and intentional attacks on her. She immediately went on the offensive, saying and doing things intentionally to exert (petty) power and make people's lives harder at an incredibly difficult time. 

And when those people did not give her indignation the attention she was demanding or placate or apologize, she went into further attack mode, which has never stopped and she continues to fixate on these events and escalate a year and a half later.  She is still obsessed with wanting an apology, when meanwhile she continues to do real and lasting damage to a whole circle of people (some not even in her extended family) by breaking up a family and through her obsessive attempts to smear the reputations of those involved in order to feel some perceived validation or retribution.

It is so upsetting, to say the least.  And the fact that she was not like this before (at least not to any degree that had a real or consistent damaging impact on lives or relationships) makes it so confusing and difficult to understand.

I'm so sorry to hear that.  I almost replied to this thread last month, but when I read about the baby being weened in a day...well, I couldn't post objectively right then.  Just know that I feel your pain, anger, and frustration.

I was wondering- summer has come and gone.  Has anything changed with your daughter's lifestyle?  Is she in another relationship yet?

I've learned the hard way that with BPD kids (mine is 27), you have to choose which is more important- being right or having a relationship.  If it's about right or wrong, then you'll always be fighting and there will never be much peace.  But if you care more about the relationship, then you can come at this problem from a different angle and meet her where she's at.

Why?  How?  The stuff you argue about is not actually the problem.  That's just stuff she says because she's mentally ill and can't talk about how she truly feels inside.  So she lashes out, gets easily offended, seeks wrath over the smallest things.  I've been there too and again, I figured all this out the hard way.

Mental illness is the actual problem.  And with BPD, it's all about feelings.  Things feel great or they feel horrible; there's rarely a middle ground.  So when your daughter starts a rant, apologize for hurting her feelings.  That's really the core of this and what's going on.

Now, you never apologize for whatever she's ranting about and you don't ever counter any of her ridiculous points.  You simply say, "I'm sorry if what I said hurt you, that was never my intention."  Because that's a true statement, right?  You're not trying to hurt her, you just want her to be a decent human and a decent mom.  So we apologize for "feelings" and we ignore their "facts". 

Does that make sense at all?

I am returning to post that this current splitting episode has turned into an estrangement. My adopted daughter has left and come back many times. This one is hurting in a different way because she took my grandchild away with her this time. It’s the baby’s first birthday this week and I am excluded from her birthday party. That means not so much to me as the loss of daily contact I had with my granddaughter while she was living under my roof.

 I had this daily ritual of dancing with my granddaughter to one particular song. The whole world would melt away with her in my arms. This is the most painful part of it all. I’m working very hard on self care although there are moments when I break down. I’ve decided that when my daughter comes back that I am going to redirect her to pursue her mental health treatment and limit her access to me. This also means that I won’t see the baby but I cannot withstand her using the baby as a means to punish me for things I didn’t do.

I am sorry for your loss of this family member.

My BPD mother's behaviors were extreme- but in context of my family of origin, and minimized, normalized. Also, she was enabled and my father did a lot of emotional caretaking and we kids did later as adults. She also was able to "hold it together" in social context.

My parents were in their elder years when father got ill and eventually passed away. BPD mother's behavior escalated and like your sister's it was the opposite of what we would have expected, what we think as "normal". While what we experienced in our FOO growing up may not have been "normal" behavior, we didn't know another example. As adults, we have seen the "normal" as people responding to such a situation by being empathetic and supportive.

Why is this apparent now?

As CC43 posted, the pwBPD is so overwhelmed by their own feelings, they don't see the situation from other people's perspective.

Karpman triange dynamics helped me to explain this better. This doesn't make the behavior acceptable, but it helped to understand why it is happening. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle.

My mother (and I think most people with BPD) see relationships from victim perspective. Other people are either rescuers or persecutors. A person can take on any role in the triangle.

The usual family dynamics had BPD mother in Victim position. Dad mostly in rescuer. Us kids as his co-enablers. When Dad got ill,the focus shifted to him, he was the one who needed help and caretaking.

BPD mother, also stressed by the situation (understandable) perceived this response as "taking away" the usual caretaking and attention from her. Her own emotional distress increased with the situation and less caretaking. PwBPD project their own emotional discomfort as coming from someone or something else. It isn't factual but in the moment, to a pwBPD feelings appear as facts. Dad - and also us kids- to her, were in persecutor position now, hurting her on purpose.

So, she lashed out. Instead of being supportive and empathetic, she lashed out. It was destructive.

For other people, having seen "normal" and expecting "normal", this behavior is shocking, confusing. It would be understandable that people pull away from the pwBPD for their own emotional protection. The pwBPD may see this as abandoning them. For you, it's seeing your family dynamics from an adult perspective.

This doesn't excuse the behavior. At these times, other people are quite emotionally distraught, and may need to have boundaries with it. You may need to do this too. However, I think if you can see this as a behavioral pattern, rather than personal, it may help you and your feelings.

Sadly, this is a hard situation for affected family members to reconcile, and it's too soon to know if that is even possible. At the moment, the affected family has more going on than anyone can manage. They are the ones dealing with a huge loss. Your sister isn't capable of being empathetic to them. This is going to go the way it possibly can and that may take some time.