Hi Bpdstinks,

What cleared up any confusion when it came to me having my gc by udd was to have and maintain boundaries.

Without them my udd would accuse me of being selfish if something/anything came up and I couldnt have them....I was being "selfish" if I was ill, had to work late, and other times she said that I should be the one to go over and pick them up .....So I made the change and told udd to bring GC at a certain time and that they must be picked up by a certain time.

Grudgingly udd accepted my boundaries but she also complained to anyone who would listen and sulked about this new arrangement with it by not speaking to me, then she began to bring them late or picking them up late with no phone calls even out of courtesy to let me know that she would be running late.

I think if you are feeling "frazzled" it means that you are doing more than you can mentally handle and it is time to lay down some boundaries with this woman. It is ok to say "NO" from time to time without feeling guilty(or made to feel guilty about it)

At the moment you are of some assistance to her and you are being kept in place with these threats. I would try to have a more relaxed approached to seeing your GC and  make yourself less available. This woman knows that your Gc are your weak spots and is using this to control you.

Try to remember also that boundaries are there to help YOU. You dont have to answer every phone call, you dont have to respond to every text, you CAN ask for money as a  contribution for days out for the GC, it is OK to accept only a certain number of date changes before you say no more.

You have to start putting yourself first and looking after your own mental by introducing boundaries. She wont like but think about how much longer you can be expected to do this. You have your own life to lead and at the moment she has no respect for it.

I’m going through a breakup that’s been quite intense and I’d really value some outside perspective.

I was her a lot about a year ago after my first discard which nearly destroyed me. we got back together after 6 months apart. After we got back together I knew a whole lot more about bpd and in the second relationship I didn't feel fully safe emotionally.

At its best, it felt incredible. She had a side to her that was warm, affectionate, and genuinely beautiful. I felt deeply connected to her and I loved her a lot.

At the same time, there were ongoing issues. I often felt a lack of stability, there were emotional swings, and I didn’t always feel secure. Looking back, I can see I was quite affected by things that triggered me, especially around trust and communication, and I didn’t always handle those feelings well either.

Recently things escalated in a way I never expected. We had an argument that turned physical she hit me numerous times and done some real damage with her rings. I left immediately because I didn’t feel safe and also didn’t trust how things might escalate further. I had been drinking and made the bad decision to drive to get away, which resulted in me being arrested for drink driving. So now I’m dealing with that situation too.

She was arrested for assault and I didn't press charges if she agreed to move out immediately and never contact me again.

Since then, she has moved out and I’ve cut off contact, blocked her everywhere. I’m staying with my parents and trying to process everything.

Emotionally, I feel conflicted. I know the relationship wasn’t healthy and that the line was crossed in a way that can’t be ignored. I don’t want to go back.

But I’m also grieving the good side of her. That version felt very real to me, and I’m struggling with the fact that someone can be so loving in some moments and so destructive in others.

I’ve also been reflecting on myself and how my own reactions and past experiences may have played into the dynamic. It feels like two people with their own wounds trying to make something work that ultimately wasn’t stable.

On top of that, I’ve had thoughts about whether I’ll ever find a connection like that again, or whether I’ll be wanted in the same way. Logically I know that’s probably just how it feels right now, but it’s still there.

I’m not looking to get back with her. I think I’m clear that it’s not something that can work in a healthy way.

What I’m trying to understand is:

how to make sense of someone having such a loving side but also being capable of hurting you

how to let go of the “good version” without ignoring reality

why I still seem to care for her, hope she is ok and feel a strong urge to reach out.

how to move forward without carrying this into future relationships

Any perspective would really help.

[And yet I love her. I feel sorry for her. She left with only the dog, leaving the children, me, and our home behind. I know this isn’t what she wants either, but she doesn’t know any other way.
But I can’t and won’t do this anymore.
No matter how much I love her, I hate her behavior. It drains me.]
[/quote]

I feel this same duality with my ubpd.  It's so hard but it helps to see somebody else describe the same thing.  I repeat to myself "can't and won't" often.

When my wife told me after 26 years that she wanted to leave, I fell to the floor crying. Begging her not to go.
It’s been over 15 months now, and I see so much from a different perspective.
I realize now that I reacted like a little kid. Me, like a little kid. Abandoned by my father. An emotionally absent mother. Always having to do everything on my own and take care of my mother. Is it a coincidence that I ended up with a wife where I have to do exactly the same thing?
Looking back on my life, I realize that rejection completely knocks me down. BAM. Fired from my job? BAM. Friends who disappear? BAM.
That’s my lesson.
I need to learn that I am valuable for who I am. Not for what I do. Someone with BPD has a bottomless pit of needs, which we fill. I gradually started filling it less and less. And that’s where the irreversible process began. I started doing my own thing more and more, and my ex-BPD partner felt more and more abandoned. The pushing and pulling started again. And where I used to just keep waiting, I’ve now set a boundary. I moved upstairs. I needed peace. But she couldn’t let me go. Eventually, after months of peace, I came back, but she didn’t want me again.
That dynamic destroyed it. And my part in it is that I’ve changed and started setting boundaries. And started following my own plan. Because she didn’t want anything anymore, so otherwise I wouldn’t get anywhere either.

And yet I love her. I feel sorry for her. She left with only the dog, leaving the children, me, and our home behind. I know this isn’t what she wants either, but she doesn’t know any other way.
But I can’t and won’t do this anymore.
No matter how much I love her, I hate her behavior. It drains me. Even now, as the relationship is winding down, with dividing up belongings, lawyers, etc.
Until a year and a half ago, I didn’t know it might be BPD. It’s the behavior I recognize.
A lot of strange events from the past are now falling into place.
The most recent notable one was during a conversation with the lawyers. When I said I was going to look for a place in the city center, she said, “Then I’ll come live with you.” My jaw dropped, and I really didn’t know how to respond.

The focus on boundary setting makes a lot of sense to me.  It's what I'm trying to work on right now actually.  It's raising a lot of anxiety for me but it feels right nonetheless.

Thank you for the support.

Hi there,

I'm glad you're safe and you were successful with your plan to get out.  It sounds like you might have a trauma bond with your ex.  I haven't experienced that, so I'm probably not well-placed to advise.  However if you have an addiction-like bond, I suspect that no direct contact with your ex for now is probably the way to go.  You need to focus on yourself and the kids right now.  If you need professional help (attorney, therapist, etc.), I'd say, get it.  You could also consider reaching out to trusted family and friends for support--my guess is that your ex tried to isolate you.  Reconnecting with trusted family/friends could help you feel more grounded, less lonely, and less prone to feeling the tug of "addiction" all the time.

Change is hard, and it's no wonder you're doubting yourself.  My guess is that it took a long time for you to get to this point.  Of course it feels overwhelming.  But here's the thing.  My guess is that you are exhausted, mentally and probably physically, too, dealing with all this.  It's hard to plan out the future when you're drained.  Maybe you could give your kids a giant hug, reassure them that things are going to feel more peaceful, that Dad is going to be happy again, and then try to get some rest.

You're a doctor, correct?  You'd tell your patients to follow a healthy lifestyle to feel better, correct?  That the healthy lifestyle might take a some commitment and tweaking, but that it's worth it in the long run?  That succumbing to an addiction might feel good in the moment, but is damaging to long-term wellness?  That would apply to you, too.

Hi there,

I commend you for imposing healthy boundaries for you and the kids.  It does seem like your man has made some progress, in that he seemed to have stabilized for a good stretch.  Yet with BPD, the negative, victim mindset is deeply ingrained.  I think that's the worst part of BPD, because it renders him seemingly powerless over his own life.  He spends a ton of mental bandwidth blaming others, concocting narratives--often delusional ones--where he's the victim and others are to blame for all his problems.  The huge problems with cultivating this narrative are getting stuck in the distant past, the damage it does to his key relationships, and his lack of accountability over his own life.  It seems he missed the key memo of adulthood:  he's responsible for himself now.  It's like he's still waiting for others to make his life better, and he's constantly disappointed by that.  Does that sound about right?

Now it's possible that continued therapy will help him stabilize for successively longer and longer periods.  I've seen this happen with the pwBPD in my life.  Alas, slip-ups happen too.  I guess some questions are:  When he dysregulates, have the intensity and duration of the outbursts reduced?  Does he get back "on track" more quickly, and resume his forward momentum while continuing therapy?  Or is he getting completely derailed?  Is he taking baby steps towards accepting responsibility for his life, letting go of the victim mindset in some aspects of his life?  Look, I wouldn't expect an apology from him--guilt and shame are huge triggers--but I think I would expect the blaming tirades to lessen in frequency, intensity and duration.  That would be progress in my opinion.  Other indicators of progress would be resumption of some friendships with buddies, say from his job or gym.  Then I'd say, renewed attempts at employment would show some progress.  Sure, he might quit or get fired, but once again, does he get back "on track" quickly, with another job?  Could he keep that one for a few months?  Baby steps.

We all 100% deal with this. It is truly the hardest thing any of us have done. Those of us who left CHOSE to end something that felt so right and so perfect but was slowly killing us, truly ruining our health. Continue to revisit the awful horrible times, they're a reminder that you aren't evil or wrong. I've posted here a billion times on good and bad days. You'll continue to stumble and ruminate on everything. This is your diary, this is where you vent. You are absolutely addicted and it's sickening how they trap your mind, body and soul.

What's the main thing that is currently hurting you most?

First of all- condolences to you on your loss.

I can relate to your feelings about other people making statements like this. When people offerred their condolensces after my BPD mother passed away, and made statements like this, it felt odd. It helps to keep in mind that they are trying to be supportive, from their own point of view.

There is grief, but it's complicated.

The way I managed this was according to my own values- not wanting to speak poorly of her.. If people thought positively about BPD mother- then let them have their thoughts. I would just say "thank you". When your step father says these things, you don't want to falsely confirm them- or refute what he's thinking. Sometimes you don't need to say anything about your mother. One tool mentioned on this board is to validate the feeling, not what is false. When he says "you have lost the best mother" -you can say "I know you miss her"- turning the topic back to his feelings.

Your step father is going to have his own ideas about her. He was married to your BPD mother for 30 years. To have done this, he also had to have a part in the dynamics. It feels strange to hear this but keep in mind- he was in a romantic relationship with your mother for 30 years and perhaps, he had to believe this or be in denial as a part of it.

Consider boundaries. It is possible you have been the emotional caretaker for your BPD mother. I think it's fine to have empathy for and be supportive to your step father. He's grieving. His thoughts are all over the place. However, his thoughts and feelings are his own. You aren't responsible for them. I think that once a week is a good idea- it's contact and support but you aren't hearing this frequently. You also are not responsible to help him get adjusted. I think the best approach is to just listen, don't make suggestions to fix or soothe his feelings. However, keep in mind, if his moods continue, or he seems depressed, he may need professional help and even medication for a while to help him get through this and you can suggest it if you feel her needs it. Hopefully he would be open to the idea.

Self care for you is important. Seek out support that can be of support to you. For me, this meant counseling and I recommend that anyone in a situation similar to this does this. Recognize that extended family, even if they are well meaning- they too are part of the dynamics. In counseling- you can talk about the relationship with your mother, and family freely. You can speak your truth and be heard, and a counselor can help you to process this.