Hi all,

I've recently had my relationship end with my ex partner who has BPD, about a month ago, and it's been quite difficult to move through that, deciding whether to move on or not.

To provide context, my now-ex had a stalker situation escalate, and it made them feel unsafe to be around someone of the opposite gender like myself, meaning they no longer had capacity to be in a relationship anymore, and needed to focus on themselves to improve things in their life.

The hard part for me is that they clarified I had done nothing wrong, and that we both loved each other an incredible amount, but couldn't be together right now. Leading up to this, there was clear evidence that a "split" was potentially on the cards, noticing a shift in their behaviour and being harder to reach, which was difficult for me to navigate.

When we broke up, and had a couple of weeks before saying a last goodbye, I let them know I was going to move forward and not put my life on hold, but leave the door open for them to contact me. Last year, they did something similar within a few weeks of us dating, and they were too scared about contacting me because they didn't know if I would be there. I guess now I'm hoping after a 6-7 month relationship, that the likelihood of that happening and there being more confidence in reaching out will be there, given we both spoke about believing in serendipity and if it will be, it will be, and also that there's clear evidence that we could have a really excellent relationship together.

I guess my struggle at the moment with moving on is the idea of not waiting, but still thinking about them, and ultimately wanting to get back with them when they're able to. These feelings are particularly intense today because it's their birthday and I did leave them with a birthday card that celebrated them, but also let them know how nice our time was together and that I would always be there. I don't know if they've read that card today, another day, or it's been thrown out. I guess I'm not sure how to go about wanting to try and resume this relationship, because I'd like to think I've found my person and I think they feel the same, with us both professing that it's the most we've loved anyone before.

I just don't know whether to reach out, if that'll make it worse, when to reach out, let her come to me - I just don't know and I don't know if I should be fighting for it, or let them fight for it first.

We're both young, I'm older but we are still late teens. I'll just try and summarise what I can.

I messaged her on social media as mutuals, and was making intentions clear with a pick-up line, we talked for the whole night and we seemed to connect better than anyone else I've met in long time. She was obsessed, and unfortunately I reciprocated instead of drawing a boundary where it was immediately roleplaying almost as partners, fantasising a lot, rather than gradual connection.

This was a month ago, first week rolls around, she's dying to see me, tells me how she can't wait to kiss me and just spend time together, first date - she breaks all my plans and takes me somewhere else despite knowing I had things planned. The introduction was off too, she refused to hold hands and was distant immediately, of course that is okay, it's just the opposite of how she seemed to hype up the entire situation. For our entire date, she had been distant physically, basically mean-girl teasing and being outwardly the complete opposite to her online 'persona', being purposefully gross, lying, saying how horrible she was, it was extremely weird even with comments about her defecating herself...Despite this certain things were broken in such as her saying she's never been treated with such care and kindness by someone, someone else being genuinely this interested in her and for herself - referring to me, even thinking I was some joke or prank by her friends setup to embarrass her, that nothing about me could have been real. When I asked if anything she said was then real, she got nervous and muttered between yes and no incoherently. It wasn't until the end I just let go of caring and treated her with the same wild energy where we both enjoyed ourselves on the walk back, but even saying goodbye, it was just coldness and her freezing at a hug and saying nothing.

I decided to just leave messaging as I was bummed out but she messaged me after extremely upset by me not messaging and apologising for not giving me a hug and being nervous etc, and when I confronted the issue gently at hand she exposed she just is worried due to treating others badly in relationships and essentially it came across as her pushing me away before she could hurt me. We set boundaries in taking it slow and getting to know each other first before developing our feelings truly, and it was great from there.

Week after, we promise and plan to do a date, however she seemed to be upset at this time, so I gave her space that I asked if she needed and let it go, just being supportive.

The next week I had a really big live show, performing music with my band, I invite her - she is up to it and thirty minutes before I'm on she bails on me for her male bestie to hangout only a few minutes away, again I just can't be bothered so go enjoy myself, pattern repeats in her apologising and seeming to be self aware this was wrong of her.

Final week, multiple times we rescheduled this date and she blew me off without warning each time or just had an excuse, such as having a sleepover with this same friend. You can imagine by the end with me being supportive, caring and trying to be healthy with boundaries and expectations I started pulling away emotionally a little, just as she was. I was losing interest, with the same patterns repeating and feeling only used, despite this she still would say she missed me, and plan future activities or things we could do - setting it up to be almost future couple thing, again similarly to her likes, reposts and what she shared to myself, everything was still looking to be that way.

She got kicked out of her house the other day, I was being supportive but again, less interested and burned out. She didn't really seem to care much but she's safe now. Today I was planning on just sending a short message communicating some feelings of wanting to make it work, with communication being needed, and I'm losing interest because of this.

But ironically I see she has blocked me on our main app without warning.

Does she just not care anymore? Initially a lot of behaviour made me think she was truly trying, I understand it can be hard for her and maybe it was more to do with guilt however by the end it just feels like she couldn't care less and wanted something strictly online. I can't even tell myself it's about me, I was supportive and loving, did everything I could - I am self-aware I'm very wanted by others, and as she said, she couldn't even believe I was real for many reasons. I just don't know if I should expect more from this discard from her, I've taken her off other social media, I'm not that upset as I had expectations from her warnings, It's just disappointing, I really want to help and be there for her, make this work, but it feels like she doesn't want that to happen and I don't want that being forced.

Having to go NC with close family members because of their hurtful behaviors can often be a life long sorrow. Perhaps doing the scrapbook has brought up some sadness and  longing to have a normal healthy loving family. Contacting members you are NC or low contact with because of how badly they have treated you will likely open the door for some more mistreatment. The silent treatment and lack of appreciation for receiving the scrapbook can be a form of abuse.

I think that resolving to take care of yourself first, ensuring you're in a calm place, is spot on.  The key is not to take your son's words personally, hard though that might be, and despite how hard your son tries to convince you that you're awful and you're the reason his life is a mess.

I highlighted your comment above to point out what I think your son is doing, which is projection and blame-shifting.  In my opinion, that happens when he's ruminating endlessly about his perceived faults--in this case, breaking trust, lying, etc.--which induce in him a deep shame.  He's so plagued by these negative thoughts that they emerge as projections onto other people.  To me, that's a hint about what is really bugging your son, especially if this is a recurring theme of his.  He's ashamed that he's lied or otherwise broken your trust, possibly about his drug use.  Maybe he feels his entire life is "fake," like he has impostor syndrome, that he's just "pretending" to function like an adult, when inside, he's still feels like a little boy.  Maybe he feels that if you really knew what he was up to, he'd embarrass you.  Underlying all this are probably feelings of shame, inferiority, disappointing you.  He's so worried about it that his concerns emerge as projections and accusations.

Why does he do this, you might ask?  Because with BPD, overwhelming emotions are hijacking his rational thinking.  In addition, it's very common for a pwBPD to play the victim and blame-shift, even if he has to distort the truth to do it (which is why he sometimes might appear "delusional").  To him, his feelings of shame are unbearable.  To him, a standard coping mechanism is avoidance (e.g. procrastination, numbing feelings with drugs), rather than dealing with problems rationally and progressively, a little bit at a time.  Instead of taking things in stride, putting things in context and having some patience and perspective, his thinking is black-and-white, catastrophic, and intensly personal.  Instead of tolerating distress or discomfort, he's impulsive, often self-sabotaging.  Think of it as a fight-or-flight, trauma-based reaction in ordinary situations.  And instead of working towards long-term goals, your son is stuck in the past, rehashing ancient grievances, to avoid dealing with today's problems.  Instead of taking responsibility for his life, he's blaming others, mainly YOU.  On these boards, I've written countless times how I think that the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders him powerless over his own life, as he expects everyone else to change, not him.  Sound familiar?  If it does, it's because that's BPD, and I've seen it all, many, many times with the pwBPD in my life.

But getting back to my original reply, I think it's fantastic that your son is getting therapy, and that he has a diagnosis, and that he's still talking to you.  It must mean that he's come to the realization that his standard tactics of using pot, lashing out and blaming you aren't really working for him anymore.  Look, pwBPD often dislike the diagnosis, as there's a stigma, and the words "personality disorder" seem pejorative.  But in my way of thinking, he just needs a extra support right now to learn better emotional coping skills.  Instead of framing it like a "disorder," frame it like getting support to overcome a rough patch in life.  Instead of beating himself up about personal defects, frame it like getting some life coaching, or maybe "executive" coaching, or maybe cognitive training.  My understanding is that the skills emphasized in DBT (the gold standard for treating BPD) are mindfulness, managing intense emotions, reducing impulsive behaviors, improving problem-solving skills and improving relationships.  Those are skills helpful to just about everyone, and they're not necessarily taught in the home, let alone school.  I don't see any shame in getting professional support and training.  From a guy's perspective, he could think of it like brain training--increasing mental toughness.  That's no different than building physical toughness at the gym!

Anyway, if he's in a good mood, you might comment how proud you are of him taking care of his physical and emotional well-being.  That's what responsible adults do, right?  I think that if he tries to blame you (Well, it's your fault I need therapy because of my terrible upbringing), I'd advise, don't apologize or fight him on that.  I think you stay in the present (I love you and I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself.)

Just my two cents.  All the best to you.

These are good points- thanks!

I think if you are NC with both of them, then it's best to not send anything. It may seem confusing to them to get something in the mail from you, and since you don't want contact, they may respond.

Thank you so much for your reply.  I feeling so overwhelmed right now that your response is really helpful.  My son is working and living on his own.  On the surface one might not know what is going on.  That is what makes this so hard.  At first we thought it was just marijuana and alcohol use that was the biggest issue .he can be a wonderful person and the. "Split" as the articles say. 

I think you are absolutely right.  I think I need to take care of myself so I can see things more clearly. I am getting concerned because of my underlying health conditions and the impact stress has on it. Your words helped. I'm blessed with friends and interests so I'll try to keep my focus on that so I don't take his verbal blows so personally. The last thing that got me was that he said my husband and I  have to keep working hard to gain back his trust because in my mind I'm  like "Are you kidding?". We go through these ups and downs where we're the best parents or we messed up his life. His therapist said he is going through an episode. My son says he working on himself but then always has to finish the conversation with a one two punch.

I didn't respond to it.  The problem is that I internalize it and it's not good for my health.  So I will take care of myself so I can continue to work well with him. His therapist helped him understand that we will set boundaries not abandon him but to protect our relationship.

I

I am NC with my sister. I am NC with my niece who is an adult with her own home.

Great advice!  My sense from your post is that your wife was probably "successful" at parenting, only because you had been there facilitating it for her.  But would she be able to parent all on her own?  That would mean keeping the house clean, doing laundry, preparing meals for the kids, transporting them, arranging for and taking them to doctor appointments, etc.  It might turn out that parenting alone is completely overwhelming to a pwBPD.  And my concern is that your wife's home environment might not be very healthy for the kids.

I have a situation with a brother-in-law who is undiagnosed NPD and very low functioning.  Basically, when he separated from my sister, he got part-time custody of three young kids.  But he was simply unable to care for them properly all on his own, i.e. without my sister there to "facilitate" his parenting time.  He couldn't get regular meals on the table.  He couldn't clean his house.  He couldn't attend to his kids' needs (such as keep normal sleep schedules for school-age children).  He couldn't stay awake throughout parenting time.  He couldn't get them to school or activities on time.  He was irritatable and mean to the kids, insulting them and calling them idiots and *hores.  He parentified them, demanding that they do his chores, such as clean up his vomit or do the supermarket shopping while he slept in the car.  He let them them have unfettered access to screens.  Please note that he wasn't working, either.  At first, courts restricted his parenting time (i.e. no overnights), but eventually the courts deemed he was unfit to parent them unsupervised.  (Now Grandma is present during his parenting time, and she's the one who drives, serves meals, etc.)  I wouldn't advocate keeping kids completely isolated from their parent, but I would advocate for their safety and emotional well-being.  They can have fun "TV time" with a parent in appropriate settings, for example an afternoon.  In practice, a disordered BPD/NPD parent tends to drop the kids off early or skip parenting time completely . . . because parenting is just too HARD all by themselves.  Untreated BPD often makes adults unreliable.

That's a long-winded way of saying, I'd think carefully about allowing a situation where your ex gets primary custody plus child support from you, because like PeteWisend stated, it's likely that you'll be taking care of the kids most of the time anyway.  In addition, letting your ex have primary say in decision-making is fraught, because a pwBPD is seldom able to put her child's interests first.  (I think she's more likely to use children as pawns.)  Since your wife voluntarily left the home and left the kids is very telling.  She can do that because she knows you'll always take care of the kids.  Sure she'll SAY she loves them, misses them and needs to take care of them.  But her actions speak louder than words.  You need to document, document, document.  My guess is, your kids are better off with you most of the time.  They probably still need their mom, but in a controlled, safe environment, where their mom isn't expected to do much of anything.  Maybe she'll surprise you and step up.  But I'd be looking at the fact pattern here:  she left the home.  Has she asked to see the kids since she left?  Has she done any parenting?  If not, that would be a sign that her priorities are elsewhere.