Hi ForeverDad, thanks for the reply. I’ll check out the book.

I wish for my family intact and mutual respect with my H.  I know I can’t have it but it’s weird that sometimes I convince myself we can. Or that if just this or just that but it never lasts.

There are so many things over the years. A lot of weird behavior, or reaction and over the years the behaviors got weirder, more controlling and bigger. Saying awful things, rage texting, spiraling on topics and countless circular arguments. I didn't understand for years and in truth, it’s gotten worse, but now i have a better idea whats going on. But not how to manage (or the strength to manage it) or determine if i can take it any longer.

But I'm stick bc I'm just too afraid — if I'm honest much is financial and I’m getting older and if my job isn't secure (company has had a few rough years) I don’t have much skill to fall back on unlike him. That is most of my frozen. That and guilt around my kids.

I’m sure I'm not explaining it well.  It’s hard to put 30+ years of drama in a couple of posts. There is just so much.

Thank you again.

Thanks Pete. I have some idea, my udH is a lawyer who does some divorces over the years. Not his primary focus but he definitely does so I've heard stories.

He tells me all kinds of things — bc I work, he won’t have to pay alimony. I make around 80K and me makes 275-300K, but that includes health insurance which is around 50K, but considered income. The money seems near impossible to max out on until you consider self employment, vacations, just excess without regard. He brings a lot of money so he thinks he can spend a lot but the bills eat it up and we end up with a scary tax bill every year that he also refuses to talk about — at least without raging. It causes me so much anxiety walking on the edge all of the time.  Often he has plans how to take care of bills, but he doesn't tell me so i just get to worry about it. He’s told me he likes me to feel unstable.

I try to discuss but, of course, it doesn't go anywhere unless where he wants it to or he rages or goes in circles.

Weird things — constantly taking credit for things — things that aren't his, things that most people wouldn't mention. But it is always his idea, he said it, he did it but any mere inkling of ill effect and he either flips or blames someone else.

The latest with the dishes was so bizarre. I literally cant get my head around how he could think i am responsible to clean up after him.

We’re not really speaking right now — grey rocking, hence the name. But it’s exhausting and embarrassing.

But I’m really stuck in afraid to take the next step — a lot for the crazy i know is going to come.

I don't have family — a sister far away but were estranged bc of husband. He's in recent years stopped speaking with most of his family.

My job is so busy (unfairly so) that I barely have time during the day to eat or break, I’m exhausted in the evening bc I’m so stressed I don't sleep through the night. It’s a vicious cycle.

I know i need a therapist and to talk to a lawyer that’s not him.

I wish there was some way to fix but i don't know how and cant really survive with someone who not only thinks i need to clean up their dirty mess, but is willing to let me and our kids sit with the moldy mess around us.

Thank you again for your response.

Just got royally raked over the coals.  It's amazing how, after everything I know and can share with others, that still makes me cry. I will say that I didn't get as terribly upset as I have in the past -- so that's good.  But I did get into a little back and forth and did get angry and sad at the same time.  And I got resentful -- which never works out well, because then I participate in the nastiness (at a ratio of about 100: 1, but nonetheless.) It's interesting that once I got myself out of it, it all looked a little different to me -- not that it was less attacking but that I had more sympathy for myself and how hard this has been to handle and also a more sympathy for her -- not that that excuses what was said.

Sigh.  Be well, all. 

Having a new baby changes the attention dynamics in the family. When each parent is emotionally mature, they can accept that a new baby requires a lot of attention. However, for your wife- your attention to the baby can feel like less for her. This isn't something to change- the baby is the one who needs care and you can't neglect the infant's needs- but it may be a contribution to the increase in your wife's BPD behavior.

Reading your post, I wonder if it's when you are holding the baby and attending to her that your wife "pushes your buttons"? Even if this is felt by you as a negative, it shifts your attention back to your wife. This is a reinforcer for the behavior to continue. If you don't react, she might escalate it.

I don't have advice on how to manage this but perhaps it gives you some insight to the situation. It may help to read about the Karpman triangle dynamics.  https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
From my own perspective, pwBPD are in victim position. The previous dynamic between you and your wife may have been you as rescuer, in an emotional caretaker position, and her as victim, receiving that emotional care. However for an infant, the actual need of care is real. The baby is completely dependent on adults for her well being, and yet to someone with BPD- your wife may be feeling the shift emotionally as you deliberately not attending to her.

Also, often the insults are projections of her own insecurities and more about her and you.You may be the more competent caretaker for the baby. While it's understandable you may be feeling resentful at having to carry more of the work of parenting- it's actually what your baby needs- it's for the baby. That may not make the load easier but may ease some of the resentment for you.

Hello,

I just popped back up on these boards as I haven't been on them in a while.  Back in 2013 I caught my wife (pwbpd) in an affair with my neighbor.  She immediately abandoned me and our 2 sons, then 13 & 8.  It was very difficult at first but my saving grace (after my faith in Jesus) was my education I received on these boards.  I learned to take my focus off of that which was out of my control (my wife and her per choices and bad behavior) and to focus on the only thing in my control (My behaviors and my ministering to my hurting sons).  Slowly BUT STEADILY I was able to rebuild my life as a full time single dad and to move forward in an emotionally healthy way.

I know it may seem hard and painful in this early stage as it's all probably a shock to the system.  But stay strong, Live one day at a time and even  one moment at a time when necessary.  Don't try to suppress the tears when they come as they serve a purpose in your healing.  I also went to a group called Divorce Care with like these boards very instrumental in setting me free!!  You can do this!!

Sincerely,
MWC
Romans 8:28 

Hi Pluie,

Sorry for the pain you must have felt and will probably feel for some time as a result of reading that letter.  I had a similar experience when I uncovered the cell phone records of my then wife.  It was after I discovered her affair with a neighbor.  I was trying to reconcile and like you I even felt remorse for her.  But when I discovered her phone records, I realized that she had been lying to me and about me for most of our married life.  Like you it was devastating to be seeing that.  But you know what?  The day I discovered the TRUTH in those phone records was the day that my HEALING began.  THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!!  I felt like God had led me to those cell phone records because He knew it was time that I knew the truth.  Knowing the truth was when I took my focus off of her and started to focus on my healing as well as my sons healing.

I know it hurts but I hope that you too will now be able to focus on your healing because you were given the gift of revelation (TRUTH).  HANG IN THERE!!

MWC
ROMAND 8:28

It may become a blend of strategies.  If his tenants have a long term lease, do you know when it ends?  Well in advance before it ends or is time for possible renewal, you can perhaps ensure he learns that his days there are numbered.

The last thing you want is for him to claim he has nowhere to go or for him to assert that mother assured him he could stay.  Otherwise he he will obstruct and delay and these days courts in some areas are reluctant to evict, even squatters.

It would also be wise not to accept money from him since it could impute some level of tenancy.  Probably better for him to pay your mother?  Might need a legal opinion on that.

If your mother finds a better place for herself, it would be so much better for you that he moves before/when your mother moves.

One reason many arriving here feel stuck in "staying" is that it is so hard to change "what is", that it might turn out to be unproductive or even disastrous.  Yet, with forethought, strategies and planning it doesn't have to be that way.  So the recommendation for you to quietly seek confidential and private legal advice is wise.

It is often mentioned that when repairing damaged relationships, sharing is important to restore trust.  But when a relationship has clearly failed, then it is time to be very cautious about what you share - your options and strategies - or else you risk being sabotaged.

William Eddy's inexpensive but excellent handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder has helped many here protect themselves, not just from the discord and dysfunction but also from the many possible legal pitfalls when seeking a divorce from someone so uncooperative and obstructive.

As for that feeling of having no support... how supportive are your children?  While their childhoods may not have been normal ones, your influence over the years hopefully have had positive impacts.  For all you may know, they might wish for you to find a better outcome than what exists now.  And hopefully at least some or all of them could be your advocates.

Years ago, after my initial separation, I still didn't know what to do next.  Once I accepted my ex still disparaged me and didn't want to reconcile, I filed for divorce first.  I never regretted filing first.  It allowed me to proactively structure at least some of my post-marriage life.  Although every resource stated it legally didn't matter, I did feel better that I was the Plaintiff and not the Respondent.  For me that was a Boundary shaping action.  Though she posed as a victim - a very aggressive victim - I knew the reality and so did the System, eventually.

It is a very tough position to be in, I am so sorry for you! I just wanted to add my 2 cents about the last question you ask about what to say to your daughter, because I have found myself (and still do) in the exact same position.

I do not have nephews or nieces, but I am currently pretty much estranged from my brother. My first daughter is now 6. Our period of almost complete no contact started when she was 2, with a small window around the time she was 4. So she has met him, somewhat remembers him, although memories are fading.
I think the comment that others did about never lying, never hiding, and gradually revealing is key. The surprising thing you will most likely find out is how sensitive these kids are. At times we treat them as if they were pets running around us, assuming they don't follow or understand the "grown up talks", but they understand surprisingly well. My daughter asked me the first questions about my brother when she was 3, and every now and then she does. I get the feeling she is scared about asking questions about it, because she realises her dad feels awful when thinking about these things, and she doesn't like to see her dad like this.

Anyway, I told her that at times grown ups fight or have problems, and that these were because uncle is not feeling very well and has problems. I am always very wary of "talking badly" about him, he has a disease after all and I want her to slowly be able to understand this. I will add details as I see fit. I am also always carefull to tell stories about my family that include him, so she does not "forget" about him and she understands I am not judging him or hating him.

I also made a rule that if my brother tries to contact my children before they are 16, I will not permit it unless we are in good terms. When they are 18 or so, they will be adults. My job will be over, hopefully they will know all I had to tell them, and they will be able to deal with him in the best way they will choose.

A small update: I have been visiting my mum for a week and have talked about the situation in depth. Strangely, when I was there I got the impression she didn't actually want to go ahead and do kick him out, and it seemed this was for two reasons: first, I think a part of her is anyway (understandably) scared and worried at the idea of asking police to evict her son. Second, she is nearing her 80s, and the place where they live is not the kind of place where you would want to live in your 80s. Too isolated etc. So she is considering moving herself, instead of having him move out.
I got the feeling the main reason she wanted to kick him out was basically to do "the dirty work" in my place, and making him leave before leaving herself, to avoid having him destroying the house I own. I told her that will be my responsibility when it comes to it, and she does not have to do anything or live hell to do it for me. Anyway, she left me the contact of her therapist and lawyer to get an update on the situation from them directly from a clinical and legal point of view.

Today I called the therapist. She gave me a summary of her view on the situation. She thinks a gradual approach where my mum starts to leave more often for short breaks and then moves out might work better than a sudden eviction notice from the police to my brother. The main reason is that she thinks he is incredibly frail, and not at all able to accept anything like this and do anything on his own. So she is scared of what he would do if he was to receive such a news, including doing harm to himself or others. A more gradual approach instead would make him used to the situation and to living on his own. In her opinion, it is highly likely that once my mum moves out, he would move out as well. But he would not be able to go to my mum's, as she is thinking to move into an assisted living facility.

I am left much more relieved about the situation after talking with the therapist to be honest. It seems both my mum and my brother are supported in some way, and that is good to hear. I think the house I own might become off limit for a while, and there might be problems in the future, but honestly that is the part I am the least interested in at the moment. The important thing is there might be a way for my mum to get a bit of peace, for my brother to be forced to gradually leave the nest and for me not to get triangulated in again.
The only thing that remains strange is that my mum is still keen that I call the lawyer as well... Who I have really no idea what might say, but given the discussion I had with the therapist there is not much they should do, I think... Unless my mum was actually still considering kicking out my brother against the advice from the therapist... But that was not the impression I got from my mum last week!
I will wait to manage to have a proper conversation with my mum (which can only happen when my brother is away) before seeing if I still have to contact the lawyer...