This reminded me of something weird about my bpd exgf. This will sound so weird that there is probably something wrong in my head . I have never been able to see her face in my dreams, NEVER. It is like she is blocked from my mind. I usually see really vivid dreams but with her nothing or just her without a face.

I am currently 3.5 years out from a nightmarish BPD breakup, and I have actually been dating a fair amount in the space since then.  I wrote a lot of threads about that breakup, and she and I have remained no contact for several years ever since the breakup.  I have nothing bad to say about her now, I wouldn’t want to run into her again but thinking about her now does not cause an emotional reaction, whereas at the time of the breakup it was 10 / 10 pain.

I’ve had several good, heslthy non-BPD connections with women that had 90%+ of the same level of passion as my BPD ex without all of the problems.

More recently I began dating a woman, we went on two dates and were talking every day, she seemed like the perfect match,  said she wanted a committed relationship, monogamy, etc.  She would constantly send me messages, ask how I was doing, said she wanted to build something with me.  At least 20+ messages per day.  She communicated she had been hurt a lot in the past and had a hard time trusting and needed to go slow.   All fair points so I took things slow, no hooking up, just get to know each other first.   

Then the alarm bells started going off again (unexplained bouts of anxiety, I thought it was just new connection butterflies but I don’t tend to get anxious, and also something telling me “run!” even though I had no apparent reason to.)

For our second date, we went to a bar / restaurant to dance a bit and instead of being excited I had this inexplicable urge to cancel.  Within maybe 20 minutes she excused herself to go to the bathroom and I see her flirting and exchanging numbers with a guy back by the bathroom so I just blocked-erased her and left immediately.

I walked down the street and I see a friend of mine who owns a nearby restaurant and he asks me how I am doing.  I relate to him how the date went (poorly) and tell him a bit more, it turns out he and his wife actually know the woman.  He won’t go into specific details but he says “let’s just say she’s not a very nice person” and he said she seemed to have a new “serious boyfriend” every few days, not that there is anything wrong with dating multiple people at once but it was definitely 1000% different from what she had conveyed to me about herself.

All in I didn’t know her long enough to say for sure, but si definitely got BPD vibes from her and also the real tell was how many of my own alarm bells went off for her that had remained silent for years with other women since my last BPD relationship.  I’m glad I discovered so soon before she and I had gotten physical, even in the short amount of time it still felt like a gut punch that one managed to get past my defenses.

Nowhere close to the 10/10 pain that came from a longer term relationship ending but still it hit surprisingly hard, because of how the BPD dynamic hacked into my own wounding.

I think I have had the same or at least a very familiar feeling.

When I started dating my ex, she lived a few towns over. I used to take a bus to her town and then make my way to her place by foot.

The memory of the walk and her place is haunting to me. Not in a necessarily creepy eerie way, but it floats in my memory like a sickly sweet, nostalgia-laden thing. Think of seeing a monochrome or sepia toned photograph of the perfect American suburb. It reads idyllic at the surface and sort of liminal when you dwell on it. Even thinking about it now I feel a strange pull "there".

Reflecting on it now and reading other responses I think it's because that place in my mind was and is the symbol of the "realness" of the love. Our relationship already had its rocky moments there but the stuff didn't truly hit the fan until she moved in with me. There she seemed genuinely vulnerable and down-trodden those first few months. It gets creepier now that I see it as a kind of a limerence-ridden love nest that it was, woah.

Yes that's so true! I don't know which version I'm going to get throughout the day. He's just came home from a days golf and he's talking to me but definitely not like the remorseful husband he was 2 days ago. He's just gone to have a bath so who knows which version will come out of that bathroom in an hour.

Thankfully we both had our children with other partners so we haven't got that to deal with. We've only been married 2 years but this side definitely showed up after the honeymoon

I recall one incident in my final months of my marriage.  I was noticing a pattern, rather, a lack of a pattern.  I would leave in the morning with a normal spouse and return at night to a raging stranger.  I also could leave a raging spouse in the morning and return to a normal spouse.

There was one evening I returned to a normal spouse but as she was telling me about her day, it reminded her about something and all of a sudden her face reddened and contorted into her other persona.  I think I witnessed her transforming into a dissociated state.

No, it didn't start out that way, but as is often reported here, it worsened once we had a child, going from a twosome to a threesome.  I had imagined that if we had a child together, she would be happier watching our child discover the joys of life. I was so clueless then, it didn't fix what was the deeper issue, but it did make the custody and parenting issues vastly more complicated in the coming years.

The rest of my message didn't post for some reason.
What I went on to say is that it's so hard for a non BPD person to understand how someone can suddenly be so cold.

When he said 'I can't live without you' he probably did mean it. Unlike narcissistic PD, BPDs do feel love in their way. Unfortunately the feeling of being so close to someone is also a threat to them because of the fear of losing it, so they will often do the abandoning first.

Try to look after yourself and get the support you need. I know it's hard when every fibre in your being probably wants to hear from him but all it does is prolong the pain.

From what I understand, it is possible for them to come back, but less likely than in a non BPD person because they have difficulty with object permanence (the ability to hold someone in mind even when not around them). It's also a protective strategy - the fear of being abandoned is so strong that they will do the rejecting to avoid the risk of being rejected.

It's so bloody painful isn't it

Yes, it is hard to explain to someone that isn't in it! He is a delight when he's around others and yes, can switch to nice mode. Although if he's in hostile mode he will often just decide not to go out even if it's something we are both supposed to be doing, which leaves me in the lurch. There have been many times we've had something planned socially with others, something has pissed him off and he refuses to go.

That's a really helpful way to look at it actually - that it can be totally different from one day to the next. I will try and keep that in mind so I don't expect the same and feel disappointed.

what happens if they are the one who left? if they initiated the abandonment?
i thought their worst fear was me leaving. so why would they erase me out of their lives. i cant deal with seeing him move on. it ruptures every fabric of reality for me and whether any of the kindness, the "i cant live without you"s were real. him coming back, breadcrumbing, would be some sort of proof for me that he understands his part. so far, 3 months of radio silence.

ForeverDad, it was different son. My eldest was at the hospital while the drama unfolded, it was my youngest son she used and abused, while he was at my eldest sons flat looking after his dog.

Pook, thanks for this. It is highly validating and exactly where I am at word for word. It is my two sons that it bothers me the most how they fall for it, but again she is their mother and I can understand it to a certain point..

It is a cycle stretching back twenty years and it frustrates the hell out of me the chances she is given and peoples apparent amnesia to it. When I look back this includes:

Two best friends, gets involved in their marriage breakups and tries to monkey branch to the vulnerable husbands.
A much longer term best friend, her business partner. Makes plans to throw her under the bus to save the business she has mismanaged the finances with through her drug use and spending habit. Mentally and verbally abuses her when she has no other target.
Me, her husband. Lied to, cheated on, manipulated and gaslighted.
Her boyfriend, lied to, cheated on for a year with me after he gave her the one boundary not to. Being used for his money and a free roof over her head.
Her brother, used as a pawn to get our kids to go and see him at her boyfriends house, who they hate and want nothing to do with.
Her sister, also used as a pawn to try and create drama and deflect from her own behaviour by falsely claiming to her friends and boyfriend I have slept with her.
Eldest son, has used in the past to go and get class a drugs. Borrows car writes it off, changes story as to how the accident happened which he foolishly believes. Creates drama on the night his child is being born.
Youngest son, used more recently to go and get drugs, then verbally and emotionally abused, when she knows he isn’t emotionally and mentally strong enough not to do something harmful to himself.
Her father, to a lesser extent but uses him for validation for her behaviour by telling him half truths, missing out vital pieces of information that would completely rewrite his opinion.

Then there is her new circle of friends. I have nothing to do with them, but I do know one of them, one of her employees so she is being used in the sense that she is earning my ex money, she now hangs around with her a lot because she also takes drugs and validates my ex. In the past this friend has been mocked by my ex whenever she has faced life’s struggles, like having horses put down or crashing a car or her husband being unfaithful and such like. And the guy my ex admitted to having a one night stand with 20 years ago, well that was her friends boyfriend! And I have seen pictures of her friend in the nude on my ex’s phone that she had been sent by that boyfriend, and the mocking messages that followed between them.

So nobody is immune to her toxic behaviour. Sadly my eldest sons view is clouded, as he says her behaviour isn’t toxic and people just make f.. ups sometimes.