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Hi Ros,
That all sounds tragic and really hard to deal with. I'm sorry about the loss of your dear sister, as well as the loss of a normal relationship with your brother. That's a heavy burden to carry, even if you're not responsible.
It seems to me like you have a pretty good read into your brother's situation, even if you are currently estranged. I suspect that your brother's BPD spouse is behind everything. You see, it's a fairly typical for a pwBPD to try to isolate a spouse from other people, including family. Why do they do this? It's impossible to know for sure, but I think it's oftentimes rooted in deep insecurity about the relationship and extreme jealousy. The pwBPD considers any outside friends or family as "stealing" attention, time, resources, etc. away from the pwBPD. Basically, unless family members are providing tons of money, praise and/or free babysitting, they are considered rivals, potentially evil. And the pwBPD will punish a spouse any time he talks about, contacts or fraternizes with other family members.
Your poor brother probably feels trapped--he has to isolate himself, in order to prevent backlash from his BPD wife and keep his home life together. Over time, he might feel so isolated that he starts to loose his sense of self. And his BPD wife is relentless, weaving narratives of how the family is abusive and won't give her the money and resources she thinks she's entitled to. You see, entitlement and unrealistic expectations are typical of BPD. When her needs aren't being met, she lashes out in intense anger. A common BPD tactic is to punish others with estrangement, as well as by withholding access to children. Meanwhile, she surveils your brother and controls his every move. Eventually, he might actually start to believe her skewed narrative. He's so beaten down by stress and strife that he can't even think straight. On top of that, his BPD wife might have hijacked his computer or phone. She might force him to send messages he doesn't really want to. She might forbid him from seeing family. It's possible your brother is subject to "house arrest," not allowed to leave the home unless it's to do his job. He loses friends, hobbies, time for exercise, etc. He doesn't have any healthy outlets, and his life becomes overwhelming. He's probably not his usual self at all.
As for your niece, my guess is that's she's been hearing her mom's stories about how horrible you are for years now. She's grown up thinking that her relatives are psycho, selfish, disrespectful and unloving. She might be a little paranoid, wondering why on earth you are contacting her now. I agree with the other poster, that if you do reach out, do not include any "ask" at first (not even confirmation of receipt), and do not be surprised if she doesn't respond. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd start by reaching out with short, upbeat messages on key dates, such as a birthday or major holiday--nothing too frequent that might be considered harrassment. One thing I do sometimes for younger relatives is send a little video clip by text which I think they could relate to (e.g. a happy birthday video clip featuring a dog or preferred hobby like skiing). I've discovered that I tend to get a heart or thumbs up when I send a video clip, vs. nil response if I send plain text. I guess I'm saying, I try to adapt to the preferred communication style of the person I'm trying to reach.
Over time, your niece might have a change of heart, seeing that you care enough to remember her and send her well wishes. It's possible that the more distance she gets from her chaotic childhood home life, the more she'll consider reconnecting with other relatives. I guess I'm impressed that your niece acted polite when she met you. That indicates that she's not fully "committed" to estrangement from you.
As for your own daughter, I'd say it will be a long time before you have to worry about what to tell her about family. While it might be sad not to know her uncle and cousins, think of the alternative: that she has to spend a lot of time with them when they are so disordered. A lot can happen between now and the time when she'll be old enough to hear about extended family. I think you don't worry about that yet.
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