Sponging, mooching and freeloading should be noted as symptoms of BPD. Every disordered person I know has attempted to exploit me financially.  No gift was ever good enough. They expected emotional support too. Nothing of value was given back to you and my emotional problems were in my  head. I was  just a whiner and complainer. That's my real problem.

I'm in a large city and it's common for men to harass and bother women in public.  I've learned never to respond, to look away, and stop frequenting a spot where a man has been harassing me.

Women who have suffered trauma often freeze and fawn when confronted with potentially scary situations. Being pleasant can help smooth things over temporarily. Most men get you're not interested but some disordered men persist like that unfortunate person bothering zachira. She was distant and he still wanted to pursue her.

It's good to report as long as the man doesn't know it's you. You want to avoid retaliation from a man who is bigger and stronger than you. The police can't watch you 24/7.


I'm glad he's gone!    You set a firm boundary and asserted yourself. Men like that often have a few women they pursue.  If he struck out with each of them, he moved on elsewhere to try his luck. He's like a fisherman finding another spot in the lake if one doesn't work.

I don't know about being an easy mark. They are more like an annoying salesman who keeps talking to sell something you don't need or want. They keep talking because you do.

Keep using your instinct to separate the respectful men from the unfortunate creepy ones. It'll be easier to say no thank you right away.

PeteWisend, where are you picking that up? I don't think I experience any desire for a resumption of the relationship or physical intimacy.

I do, though, experience an ongoing sense of care and identification. I am sad to see him, well, unwell to the point of being crazy, and my initial response is still, against all evidence, 'is this true' rather than ignoring his allegations.

Counselling for specific things like codependency is pretty expensive, but theres a free online option i plan to attend next week.

I also experienced many fights about family with my BPD ex, and almost all of it was projection.  My family liked her just fine, and I liked her family.  Yet, someone was always upset with someone over a passive-aggressive statement that was blown out of context.

I wish that I had some direct advice, but you'll already know anything I say here.  You have to talk about it in a productive way, and that means catching your husband sober and even-keeled.  But if you bring it up then, it's not a problem but will lead to him becoming triggered and disordered...so how the heck do you get past it? 

My best strategy over the years has been to say, "I agree.  What do you think we should do?"

You can't argue when you agree with everything and let the other person make all the decisions.  And by doing that, it forces them to think rationally and actually participate without all the ranting and raving.  Seriously, if he says "Thanksgiving at Burger King," then you should say, "I agree.  What time and which location?"  Let it be 100% about him and don't argue a thing.

I was formerly in law enforcement and this makes me curious.  How many times did you see him?  How many times did he talk to you before asking you to dinner?


This is why I'm asking these questions- this is a serious allegation.  If there's another guy who was bothering you and you think he sent this guy to bother you, we're talking potentially criminal stalking (depending on the state).  Why do you think guy #1 sent guy #2 to talk to you?

Also, is there any direct connection between the two?  Maybe you've seen them talking before, or maybe they're the same age or live on the same street.  Anything like that stand out?


If you knew he was trouble, did you dismiss him immediately (in a nice way)?  I'm just curious how the interactions went.


It definitely makes sense to stay away from him.  If he start "appearing" again, I'd think about calling the police.  Did you see him near your home?  I'm thinking he has to be a neighbor or somewhere nearby where you frequently walk, but I don't want to make assumptions.  Again, I'm curious and I want to make sure you're okay.

I saw a clip of President Reagan telling one of his life lesson jokes.  A girl came up to him and he asked what she wanted to do when she grew up and she said "I want to help the homeless."  Her parents looked so proud of her.  He said, "Why not come to my home, cut the grass, sweep the driveway and I'll give you $50 to give to the homeless."  She pondered that then asked, "Why not let the homeless do that work and earn the $50 themselves?"  The president replied, "Welcome to my way of thinking."

TelHill and Notwendy, you both get it, how the smear campaign works.                                                                                                 

The quote above from TelHill makes perfect sense to me and to Notwendy.  Thank you TelHill for this one. I have a lot of practicing to do in setting boundaries with abusive people. I let them get away with too much and then it is more difficult to set the appropriate boundaries. As the family scapegoat, I got too used to appeasing abusive people. I no longer have to do that most of the time, though there are situations in which being nice and getting away fast makes sense. 

I have not seen the man in the park since telling him I do not want to go to the restaurant with him. He used to seem to be waiting for me. I think he was told by another abusive man that I know that I am an easy target. I knew from day one that this man was bad news yet I was nice to him. Nothing he ever said rang true. So I have no idea what his true agenda is, and maybe he is indeed homeless, broke, etc., At any rate, he is looking to take advantage of a woman. 

I don't believe he's looking for friendship. Men often say that if they feel there's a chance to wear you down for a date. I'd be wary if he knows you own a condo. He might give you a sob story about being evicted, losing his job, etc., to move in for free rent. You'll never get rid of him.

It used to be very hard for me too. It takes practice and a few times of being taken advantage of to kick your instincts to protect yourself into permanent high gear.

Sorry that happened! I've been the target of a pwBPD in my family relating to work. It's astounding that someone would mess with your ability to earn a living.

It doesn't sound like an every day thing which is good. You can note down what happened to protect yourself if the stalking begins again. You might have a case with HR or an ombudsman.

Hopefully she'll fade from your life and you won't have to deal with this disordered person again.

if you can recognize how absurd her behavior was, you should be able to do the same with your Ex.  His claims - e.g. denying he asked you to move out when you have the texts of him doing just that - are essentially as ridiculous as your mom's were. 

I think Notwendy is right in seeking counseling for these issues.  I think counseling can be helpful to identify these "blind spots" in our thinking.  If you know they're there, you won't get so tripped up, or triggered when you encounter them, so to speak. 

Like running into your ex-... the guy sounds like a real piece of work, and you shouldn't be surprised he'd openly lie to you.  Knowing that, you can mentally put some guard rails around the things he says and does. 

It also sounds to me like you might have an unhealthy attraction to him still and that's clouding your judgment.