Notwendy,
Thank you for understanding how we can get triggered when we are around someone whose behaviors remind of us how our mother with BPD treated us.
It can help to know that this is a different situation: I am now an independent adult and not a dependent child stuck stuck living with a mother with BPD who can act out at any moment. This neighbor has made it impossible for the HOA to hire anyone to take care of the grounds because she demands that whoever we hire do all kinds of work to meet her standards of perfection that the HOA will not pay for. The contractors eventually quit. I can hear her frustration as she bangs around trying to take care of the areas around my house which belong to the HOA. I have to remember that these are her feelings and a situation she created for herself: Let her own her feelings while I work on keeping my peace. 

Hi Sunny,

What strikes me here is that you recognize you need your own place, and yet almost everything you write is about your sister and mom!  You state that it's not your responsibility to take care of your sis, and yet, it seems that your sister's welfare remains top-of-mind for you, even after she physically assaulted you!  That sounds like some trauma bonding to me.  At the very least it is taking up a ton of your mental bandwidth.

My advice for you right now would to be start making concrete plans to move out.  One way to start would be to create a dedicated savings account just for this purpose, and you could start saving for first and last month's rent, as well as moving expenses and funds to buy some furniture if you need it.  I think if you created a special account, moving out would start to feel more real.  You could look at apartment rentals in different neighborhoods--I'd suggest actually touring some in person, for motivation.  You could look at find-a-roommate websites.  You could let trusted friends know that you're looking for your own place.  And you might look at house-sitting options as well, if that fits in your schedule.  In other words, if you take some baby steps towards making a move-out plan, I think you'll start to make some progress and build momentum.  Merely having a plan will create some motivation for you!  And if you start looking at neighborhoods and apartments, you'll get a clearer idea of what's in your budget.  My suggestion would be to spend at least an hour every week working on your move-out plan.  My guess is, eventually something will come available, and you'll be ready--because you'll see the opportunity and be ready to pounce on it.  Maybe it's not a "forever" home, just a "transitional" home where you can live in peace.  Even a "transitional" home would be an improvement, right?  From there, you could always look for something better, maybe a year further down the line.

As for your sister, my guess is that she doesn't hold down any jobs because she doesn't have to.  She's not going to find employment until she has no other choice.  As long as you hang around, live with her and pay some (or all) her expenses, my guess is that she'll be content mooching off of you, while blaming you and abusing you, too.  My advice?  The sooner you leave, the sooner your sister will have to take responsibility for her life.  She might fall apart, but then she might get the help she really needs. 

Look, it seems to me that the status quo isn't working for you, and it's not really working for your sister, either.  My sense is that the sooner you get out of that toxic situation, the better it will be for all of you.  I know that finding your own place might feel arduous, even scary.  But I think in reality, the status quo is more arduous and scary.  It's up to you to change your life for the better.  I know you have an amazing gift, which is positivity in the face of adversity.  But you need to give yourself the gift of freedom without remorse.  I hope you consider that.  All the best to you.

You all have been so wonderful in helping me gather my thoughts about all of this. After speaking with my mom who told me what the situation was really about, I managed to not try to defend myself and just said "I probably shouldn't have had that conversation with my niece, but her insight was helpful." My sister has yet to speak to me and I am okay with that, it will take time for her to reach out and I know she will. I have come to understand that I am unable to discuss her with other members of my family, my niece is the only one who knows about the uBPD and my mom kind of knows about it, but she is very much denial. So that is why I was comfortable talking to her about it. My niece is young and can be a tad naive so I can't hold that against her. I just have to continue with how I am doing and focus on the wedding and my little family here. In the end I do feel a lot better about it and I know I have to stand my ground with her, she is going to expect me to grovel and beg for forgiveness to be in her life again. Honestly, I can say that I am refusing to bend over and let her treat me this way anymore... She has made a decision and no take backs haha. only kidding, eventually I am sure it will be limited contact and she will get any chance to throw this in my face like she does about any disagreement we have, even when i was a teenager she still brings that old crap up. I am no longer going to allow her to have such a negative impact on my life. Thank you all for the words and support!

Yes I have researched Stockholm syndrome and trauma bonding. il take e a look at the post you recommended too. I know a lot of this im just in a world of pain right now.

That’s fair and probably the biggest question. The trust issues were a huge deal because they weren’t imagined, they were based on things I later found out were true. So it wasn’t just insecurity, it was injury. And that’s part of what made the second round so hard, I loved her, but I never really felt safe in it. Arguments didn’t often turn physically violent until the end, but there was a lot of emotional instability and confusion underneath.

Going forward I have switched to a therapist that specialises in trauma recovery. also. am working with a therapist on my codependence and anxious attachment style weekly. I really am doing all I can right now to work on and improve myself. hopefully this is how I avoid repeating the bast. by becoming stronger and more mentally resilient. and I would think if she wanted to come back she would be willing to start healing journey of her own. my biggest question is, how long do I leave it before making contact? my gut tells me 3 - 3 and a half months, but I do worry she forms a new attachment in that time so its a big risk.

We often quote the instructions given at the start of every air flight... "In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to aid others, and follow the attendants' directions."

We can't help others if we haven't first ensured our own safety.

That's just the reality, so we mustn't feel guilty about putting ourselves first in such scenarios.

Have you researched "Stockholm Syndrome" or similar relationship dilemmas?  You may not have been a literal prisoner or hostage and brainwashed, but emotionally you became deeply invested in the relationship.  Your ex may have been able to turn her feelings and loyalties on and off, but a reasonably normal person like you can't do that.

Also, ponder the various aspects of how you're "grieving a loss".  A handful of stages are involved, you can bounce back and forth among them but eventually you need to end up at Acceptance of What Is.

Over on our Tools & Skills Workshops board we have a topic Grieving our Losses which discusses that it is a winding path back and forth before we Accept and fully deal with the loss, in this case, of a doomed relationship.

In the historical male/female marriage, both parents are legally equals.  Yet I'm sure many disordered mothers, my ex included, felt "but I'm the one who gave birth!"  Yet I recall what happened in my marriage and separation...

When the police were called they did not attempt very hard to decide what or who was right or wrong.  Their priority was to ensure the dispute was resolved sufficiently for them to consider the incident ended.  (The police can even decide to cart off one or both parents to be sure the incident is over.)  What my police would say during my separation was, "Fix this in court, get a court order if you don't have one or get the court to use the existing court order to resolve the issue."  My court viewed us as equally bickering - and issued decisions accordingly - since it had no interest whether one or both parents had mental health issues.

Since by that time we were already separated and had a court order, the court order specified our parenting schedule.  My ex was no longer The Authority.  Of course, neither of us was expected to "endanger or neglect" the child.

In your marriage it may be that she feels deep down, "But I'm the birth mother!"  Yet that is probably not a legal statement.  (You can research your status with lawyer who are experts in your local jurisdiction.)  Marriage provides both responsibilities and protections.

Likely your local police, if called during a dispute, as well as your local family court would handle incidents similar to how other cases, such as my experience above, occurred.

What we don't know... is how your spouse would react if/when you set a Boundary that your parenting - such as with visits in parks, restaurants, vacations or elsewhere - will not be obstructed.

Sorry, I wanted to add that my mom has actually been very supportive of my decision to move out. She knows I need my own space and home. She understands and agrees with me that I shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving. Even my own sister has said the same. But my issue is they have always barely gotten by and never taken the right precautions or made very solid plans for their own living situation to keep it sustainable. I tried to help and offer advice but they rarely took it seriously until it was basically too late and the damage was done. I even told my mom I would not be taking care of my sister when she passes away and again, she and my sister both expressed they completely agree it would be totally unfair. But they aren’t exactly giving me a huge vote of confidence that they are putting in the work to prevent that being the reality. It almost feels inevitable which makes it worse. My sister has struggled to find and stay at jobs for one reason or another. I’ve warned her she has to get her _____ together and just work to earn a living at this point. If she’s lucky she won’t end up homeless. I hope not. But I know that’s not on me to fix for her.

You are on the right path, by not engaging after receiving some nasty texts. It can feel so much lighter when we let the abusers take responsibility for their feelings and we don't allow ourselves to be the person they unload on by getting us engaged in JADING.