I have an idea of what may be going on, based on my own experiences with BPD mother. Perhaps this idea can help you.

PwBPD have a poor sense of self, and are extremely sensitive to shame and being exposed for having anything wrong with them. They take victim perspective on the Karpman triangle. If they perceive something or someone (intentional or not) as a threat to their self image, they feel they are being attacked.

The unspoken family rule was to uphold the perception that BPD mother does not have any issues. We were not allowed to say anything about her behavior and if we did, the reaction was extreme. My father was fully aligned with this and protecting her. He would get angry too.

BPD mother had a charming and competent external persona. Nobody outside the family had a clue what was going on. If anyone seemed to think otherwise or catch on to a possible issue- they would be discarded.

I knew there were issues when I was at home, but after going to college, and having my own family, I saw my parents mainly on visits. We visited as a family, and BPD mother held it together in front of my kids during visits. I actually began to believe she was doing OK.

In their elder years, Dad was in the hospital for an illness and I went, on my own, to help out. I was alone in the house for over a week with BPD mother, and saw an entirely different picture- the dysregulations, the raging, and it also reminded me of what I experienced as a child. She wasn't doing better, I just didn't see it. But I also was naive about BPD relationship dynamics.

I was concerned about my father coming home to this situation and I naively discussed the situation with his health care team, not knowing the consequences of exposing her.

Her reaction was extreme. BPD mother perceived people as being "on her side" or "not her side". She rallied the "people on her side" against me- triangulated. To protect herself, she had to discredit me to them and rally them to her side and push me out.

I didn't understand what was going on at the time, it was hurtful,  but - this was not about me. She wasn't doing anything to me. This was, to her, self preservation.

Looking back at your posts, your D went NC and began this behavior when she saw that you had ordered a book about BPD. In her therapy- she kept trying to get you to admit to doing things that hurt her. This feels hurtful to you, understandable- but I don't think your BPD-D is "doing this to you". I think she feels threatened by your looking into BPD, and this is how she is managing her self image by aligning with her siblings.

My guess is that she also feels threatened by younger D's success- her graduating, her "normal" life in comparison.

I'm not downplaying that this dynamic can be hurtful to relationships. It caused divisions in my family. I'm sharing to hopefully present this as not personal to you, because reacting out of hurt feelings adds fuel to the drama fire.

By holding it together for this one event- your younger-D will have a good day to remember and this doesn't reinforce BPD-D's behavior if she can't rattle you.

Yes! Love this. I did speak to the younger to ask what she would like and what would work best for her. What she wants is everyone to be together but she gets that's not possible at the moment. She's a peacekeeper/caretaker and will capitulate to BPD sis always. That's a journey for her. I am striving to keep it light and neutral and not show any anguish or engagement on the issues on this day of days.

It's a good way to manage money, but your son is also not in need of charity. He is able bodied and can work. This is an ongoing behavior for him. We think of charity as helping people who are in true need, but enabling financial irresponsibility is not charity. The 10% in this situation does not go to him.

I don't think saying "no" is hardening your heart. It's a form of love- tough love. It is acting in the best interest of the person- even if they don't like it. In the example of the toddler wanting cookies for dinner. Saying "no" isn't due to having a hard heart. It's saying "no" because eating cookies for dinner is not good for the child. It's not nutritious. Love is giving them a nutritious dinner, even if they want cookies.

Saying "no" requires managing your own feelings and fears. Maybe you fear your son won't call if you don't say yes, or he will think you are a bad person, or he will go without. He's a grown man, he has a job. But if you think of saying "yes" as dealing with your own fears, it becomes more self serving than helping.

Imagine if he doesn't call once he can't get money from you. That would be very sad, but if the reason for the relationship is you being used as an ATM machine- then that isn't the kind of relationship anyone would want. It would be a difficult thing to process but better to realize this than to continue to be on the financial "hook" for contact.

It was a hard realization for me to see that my mother's interactions with me and other people were mostly to meet her emotional needs. Whether or not she cared about anyone else- her BPD emotions took most of her focused. She wanted what she wanted, in the moment. Her spending was a part of that behavior- she spent to meet an emotional need. Talking to her, trying to be rational, didn't work, because emotionally driven behavior isn't rational.

You are not saying "no" to your son because you need to harden your heart. You are saying no, out of love- so that you aren't enabling this self destructive behavior of his that hurts him and you. You said no to cookies for dinner when he was 4 because it wasn't good for him. You can say no to him now too.

My BPD mother could be very charming and manipulative. I don't say this to insinuate that her manipulative aspect was something evil- but it served a purpose for her- it got her what she wanted.

Think of this as a tool- a hammer. If someone has a hammer that works for them for a long time, and suddenly it doesn't work- they will keep on trying that hammer until they figure out it doesn't work. It's the tool they've used for years and they don't have any other one right now.

A verbal "no" for someone who has usually gotten a "yes" isn't going to stop them from asking (using the hammer) over and over until they realize it's not going to get them a "yes". You had the talk with your son but this is his "hammer". He hasn't seen that it doesn't work yet. So he keeps trying it.

On your part, you need to be consistent with the "no". If you give in once, then he sees his hammer is still working. He's not going to stop using it until he realizes it doesn't work.

You are a part of this reinforcement- and emotionally, it can be a challenge to say no when you have been saying yes, but to boundaries are actions, not only words. Stay the course.

My daughter did exactly the same thing until I cut her off completely financially.  At first, it was very ugly but in time, she figured it out that she couldn't just rely on mom and dad for money.  It forced her to budget, to figure out other ways to make her finances work.  And today I think she does fairly well with money.  Not with savings, but at least she gets the bills paid.

At first, yes, it feels like hardening your heart and being like Pharoah.  But that's not what is actually happening.  If you want to get Biblical, we're given a blueprint for how to spend our money.  Tithe the first 10%.  Save 20% for a rainy day.  Live on the other 70%.  Also, don't be in debt to anyone, for any reason.  Live within your means and make that 70% work.

How does this apply?  First, your son should be living by the same principals, so should my daughter.  But they're not.  So they're going into debt (to us, others) to chase the things of this world.  Just because they're living foolishly doesn't mean the guidance to us changes- we stick to the 70/20/10 rule for our household.  If you can give more than 10% to those in need then great, but that was never meant to be your lifelong burden for one person in particular.  Not even your son.  He's meant to learn responsible finance like the rest of us and helping him all the time prevents that.

Thanks again to both of you for your encouragement and support. I've been off the Forum for a bit. You're right NotWendy,  writing my son's story helps me in seeing the lifelong struggle and pattern. A good day, week, month would tempt me to believe all is well. He's finally getting things figured out. Like your daughter Pook075, my son is very intelligent and can be quite charming.
Yes, I will protect my nest egg. It isn't easy for me. Thankfully my husband is supportive,  One of my big problems is I buy hook line and sinker the manipulation. His approach is very loving, and slowly builds over texts or calls checking in. First  a simple request- Are you in town? I'm trying to figure out how to get lunch for my son (my grandson). I live 20 min away. He said, I won't get paid for a few days and have no money.  I said no I won't be - I had company over.  He figured it out.
A couple days later he called with a bigger request about how he'd pay me back with 10% additional to start paying off all he's borrowed, if I would let him charge materials for jobs on my Credit Card. He said he made an Excel spreadsheet and worked up the nerve to ask me. And feels really bad asking.
I truly thought he wouldn't ask for quite awhile after our talk. 
So for me it feels like I need to harden my heart to his unending neediness. I love him but I also need to create some emotional distance. Any thoughts.?   My journey is seeing my son more clearly and learning to be ok with detaching from him on many levels.

I have not posted in well over a year. My daughter who last time I was posting was pregnant and engaging in very harmful behavior had come back home to live. For about ten months after she had the baby we were doing okay and I thought the worst was behind us. A few days ago I noticed a change in her behavior, she was becoming irritable with the baby, wanted to go out and left her breastfed baby with me for eight hours. The baby was beside herself wanting her mother’s breast. Of course I told my daughter to come home. She got mad and kept the baby in her room for two days. My daughter’s other response to this was to abruptly wean the baby because “summers coming and I want to be able to go out”. The baby has been crying and is pulling her hair. She indicated to me that she planned on leaving the baby with me overnight in the future because she wanted to enjoy the summer. She also said that she expected the man she dated on Saturday to be calling her soon and that she wanted to be available. This morning started off okay but ended in the splitting episode to end all splitting episodes. She called several people to complain that I am a bad mother. It ended in her calling her grandfather to come and rescue her from me. Which he did. I’m at the point where I can’t keep dealing with her. I know she is sick but she is also horrible to me. The badmouthing today was horrific. I’m not going to be a pin cushion anymore. I think this is it. Let someone else step in. I’m exhausted.

This is messed up and I suspect your older D is doing this to "get at you". What I wish could have happened at my graduation, when BPD mother did or said something to anger Dad, he reacted and the day was ruined.

There's no fighting this by reacting. If you do, they win because then, you have fallen right into their drama. What I wish could have happened would have been if they could have held it together for just one day.

You can not control what your D-w BPD does but you can control how you react to it. Understanbly you are furious, but if you react against this plan- she wins, the day is ruined and you are part of that too.

What I wish could have happened would be if I could speak openly about my feelings and what I wanted to the non BPD parent or family members. This is the heart of your relationship with your D- open communication. Don't speak of her sister, that's triangulation, and don't put her in the middle. Just ask her how she's doing, and that you want this day to go well for her. Let her feel safe taking to you, and let her say how she really feels.

Let her know you aren't asking her to choose between her sister's plans and yours, and that your only wish is for her to have a good graduation day, and let her feel relieved that this choice isn't upsetting you. It is, but she doesn't need to feel weighted down with this or feeling bad about the change in plans.

The best prevention of keeping BPD sis from causing damage to relationships in the family is to make it safe for them to be open with you about their feelings and be of emotional support to them.

It's only one day- a day your younger D will remember, so make it one she can feel good about, and feel secure about.

She's coming to the ceremony but not sitting with some of us. Sitting with her other sibling and then all 3 kids are doing something together after.

I agree competely with Under.  There's no "honest" answer here to give to that type of question. 

It makes me think of when my wife asks me, "Do this dress make me look fat?"  I have a clear, instant answer that I can give and if she looks great, I tell her.  But what if she doesn't?  What's the "real" answer she's looking for?  That's too much thinking for me and I always say that it looks just fine, regardless.

A BPD will improve once they're ready to look within.  From our group expeirences, I think that only happens when life gets so utterly terrible, getting help actually feels like the best option.  Until then, therapy is used as a sounding board to talk endlessly about the lousy people in their live and how nobody supports them emotionally.

So in a way, your BPD person is right- the therapy is basically worthless until they actually want to contribute.  But even then, they get to talk out their problems and it makes them feel somewhat better.  That's some value at least.