Pete - a valid concern, but in my case I am not too worried about this.  My W can’t hold it together under any kind of stress, especially to any authority.  She also would be afraid to ask for more than 50/50 because she knows that if she did it would put her life under a lens to which she finds risky considering her history of mental hospitals, unemployment, and unstable relationships.

In fact, she cites this as a way I “control” her.  In her mind, me saying that I would want 50/50 custody forces her to remain in the marriage because she can’t accept anything less than 100% and that if she challenges she knows she will lose because the court is “sexist”.  She then claims her only solutions is to “kill herself”.

My hope would be to find a way for her to be okay with 50/50 until the raw emotions fade and reality kicks in.  After that, things either remain that way or have worked themselves out naturally.  I have zero worries that a court would find a way to give me less than 50% parenting time.

@LovingBPD
Girl I have never read a post and felt more connected to someone. I do know exactly what you mean. It's exhausting. Idk exactly what I'm looking for here either, but it sure feels nice to not feel alone. It is exhausting to do so much for someone and have them constantly put you down.

I feel you. Your feelings are valid.

@Pook075
Glad to have the validation that I have things going on in my favor. Glad to not feel so alone. Thank you.

Our biggest repeating issue is misunderstandings. He constantly thinks that my face/body language/tone is saying something different than the words I'm actually saying. Now that we have been together over a decade, I can usually tell when he takes something I said a different way so I am actually able to confront it then, but that is hard. I know there are many times where he perceives something I'm saying completely differently and I don't catch onto it. When I do realize it is happening I try and say something like "idk what you took from that, I just want to be clear that what I said was..." and repeat my words again.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes he calls me a liar. Tells me I'm being manipulative. It gets so confusing and I try to fight it with logic (which I just read in the book doesn't work) and yeah it doesn't work... I will try and say what makes more sense? And then pitch him the truth vs what he said/believes. I don't know how to change my face/body language/tone to match my words to him and it's hard to say something and then also have to convince someone of it.

We don't have kids. We have two dogs and it can be extremely frustrating because he gets so upset with them over their basic needs. He will start yelling when they are just asking to go out, up to the point of getting super angry and potentially shutting down completely.

Our arguments can be pretty bad with him ending up yelling or getting violent. Thankfully to objects and not to me, but it can still be scary. The biggest issue with our arguments however is that we don't seem to grow from them often. He will shut out what happened. Tell me he doesn't remember any of it. Or that he remembers it a completely different way. He will gaslight me about arguments and turn them into a completely different thing, to the point where I will be so confused and questioning everything that was said.  This got so bad that I started recording when I knew we would get into a big argument because I wanted to be able to hear it back later and know for certain that I am being calm and he is getting angry and it is actually as I remember it.

Thank you for the help (:

One more thought: given your statements indicating you're contemplating an end to this marriage, you should absolutely be preserving evidence of these conversations, especially if they're in emails or texts, or some format that could corroborate what's being said.  If these conversations are all verbal, try to record some of them and save the recordings.  If not, at least write down the dates they occurred and who said what. 

If it comes down to it, and you or she files for divorce, it sounds like she'll fight for custody.  It's a bit of a red flag she made the comment about 50/50 custody.  It could very well show she's been thinking about this already. 

In my state, if you're at 50/50, I don't think either party is liable to pay the other party child support.  Sounds like she knows that.  A judge could still order it, but it's not automatic.  Also in my state, the non-custodial parent (i.e. the parent with less than 50% parenting time) gets a default possession schedule that amounts to around 35% of the time, sometimes more, depending on how holidays and school breaks go.  So if you're not going to be the primary custodial parent, you'll have to fight for 50/50, and - barring clear evidence one parent is not fit - that's a he said/she said, subjective fight.  However, the fact that your wife is willing to blow up the marriage to go have an affair with some other woman is a pretty strong weight in your favor. 

If this is against your values and you are not okay with it, absolutely do not allow it.  And keep a record of it. 

If you are already consenting for her to have a side piece and go on dates, you're going to have a much harder time in court. 

It sounds like from your first post you agreed she could go meet with this person more as a friend, and there wasn't a romantic interest there, but then she blindsided you with the request to have an open marriage.  I think you need to make clear - ideally in writing - that you're not okay with this, you misunderstood what she was looking for, you're not okay with an open relationship, and not consenting to it. 

I don't recall the ages of your children, but I recall how my family court and even my Custody Evaluator viewed parenting schedules.  For children up to preteen years both advocated equal time for co-parenting.

Because our child exchanges were places for my ex to play games posing as the aggrieved mother, I wanted exchanges as far apart as possible.  With equal time being discussed and the schedules designed across two weeks, I favored alternating weeks.  My CE, a child psychologist, corrected me.  He said a better schedule for children until at least 10 years old was two exchanges per week and described the 2-2-3 schedule (or 2-2-5-5 across two weeks).  One parent would get Mon-Tue overnights, the other Wed-Thu overnights and they would alternate Fri-Sat-Sun overnights.  I decided the second half of the week would be best for me since then I could review my child's school assignments and be sure they were done each week.

And my lawyer agreed, he asked me whether I wanted the court to think I felt my child didn't need more frequent time with me.  Um, not that!  As it turned out, even when I got majority time during the school year at age 12, we continued with 2-2-3 during summers until he was finished school and aged out of the system.

I also advocate for the children to have access to school counselors.  My son had regular counseling sessions until he was 12, starting at age 3 with play therapy.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm sorry we're meeting under these circumstances but I am glad that you're open to trying to work through this.  You actually have a few good things going on in your favor here-

1) A self-discovered diagnosis (off mom's diagnosis)
2) He's already in therapy and trying to improve
3) You realize that this isn't all his fault
4) You're starting with a great book to learn

So where can we help?  Do you have specific things that keep occurring?  And do you guys have kids?

As just a 30 second intro to BPD, it's a personality disorder that makes it hard to regulate feelings.  A good day is the best day ever!  A bad day is the opposite of that and can make the person spiral in negative thinking.  All of this is tied to self-esteem and self-worth, with a huge fear of rejection or abandonment.

A BPD person in my life might have a flat tire.  She's going to be late to work, so she starts thinking about how the entire world is against her and she just can't take all of this.  It's a severe over-reaction and maybe she tells me off...not that she's mad at me, but she's mad at the world because nobody ever helps her with anything.  And if I react appropriately (to someone telling me off out of the blue), it becomes confirmation that I never cared about this person, never did anything for them, etc.

Soon, the tire problem is forgotten as that BPD person focuses on all the things that I've done to make their life miserable.  And they just spiral with negative thinking and disordered thoughts.  I didn't take out the trash last month, so that proves I'm cheating.  I didn't offer to cook on our honeymoon 20 year ago, so I must have been plotting this the entire time.  And it just spirals and spirals....  Meanwhile, I still think we're arguing over a tire.

To get them out of that spiral, give them the one thing that's at the core of the chaos- affirmation.  You love them, you're there for them, you want to help and work through this.  Once that actually clicks, the spiral stops (or switches to something else entirely).  BPDs need close-knit relationships with people they can trust no matter what...and then they unwittingly sabotage those relationships.

It's sad for sure, but there is a path forward if you're willing to put in the work with him.

Hi all. My husband has started therapy and they told him that it is likely that his mom had BPD, and during his research into it he came to the conclusion that he has BPD as well. I didn't know anything about BPD until a few days ago. Reading up on it - it feels spot on. I feel like I have found an answer to all the questions I didn't know to ask. I don't really know where to start with all this. I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. I am worried that my husband will shut down with too much information and stop therapy again. I was genuinely about to separate from this man because of how bad things can get, but now I feel like I have to give him the opportunity to keep trying because it's not his fault. All of the times I thought he was being awful to me on purpose or straight lying to me feels like they were all related to BPD and not him at all. Any advice or comments are welcome. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in loving someone that struggles this way and I'm looking forward to diving into previous posts/comments and learning what I can to help him, myself, and our relationship. Thank you (:

Hello and welcome to the family. 

That does sound like it could be a mood disorder or BPD, but I think the bigger thing here is how you're doing with a little distance from the relationship.  You've been through an ordeal (we all have here) and your mental health takes priority over that mess you were in.

Have you considered therapy to work through some of this?  What are you doing to cope with the breakup and moving on from it?

I doubt her pursuit of this idea- being with a woman- is going to pan out to become much of anything. She has too much at stake, and she knows it. I could be wrong but a lot of what my BPD mother said she was going to do didn't.

FWIW, the Diagnostic signs of BPD are available on this site: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

Someone once told me that everyone displays a few of these traits at times as adults if stressed, and these behaviors are frequently seen in children (e.g. a toddler throwing a tantrum when they don't get what they want) and teenagers (the moodiness that comes with developing hormones can cause behavioral issues), so it's not until early adulthood that one can say whether or not someone is BPD, and then only when they display these traits persistently. 

Sounds like she does, FWIW. 

Take from this experience what you will, but realize what you were dealing with and don't let it change the good things about you, and consider whether the aspects of your behavior that lead you into the relationship are things you need to work on.