But my issue is they have always barely gotten by and never taken the right precautions or made very solid plans for their own living situation to keep it sustainable. I tried to help and offer advice but they rarely took it seriously until it was basically too late and the damage was done. I even told my mom I would not be taking care of my sister when she passes away and again, she and my sister both expressed they completely agree it would be totally unfair. But they aren’t exactly giving me a huge vote of confidence that they are putting in the work to prevent that being the reality. It almost feels inevitable which makes it worse. My sister has struggled to find and stay at jobs for one reason or another. I’ve warned her she has to get her _____ together and just work to earn a living at this point. If she’s lucky she won’t end up homeless. I hope not. But I know that’s not on me to fix for her.
Hi Sunny,
What strikes me here is that you recognize you need your own place, and yet almost everything you write is about your sister and mom! You state that it's not your responsibility to take care of your sis, and yet, it seems that your sister's welfare remains top-of-mind for you, even after she physically assaulted you! That sounds like some trauma bonding to me. At the very least it is taking up a ton of your mental bandwidth.
My advice for you right now would to be start making concrete plans to move out. One way to start would be to create a dedicated savings account just for this purpose, and you could start saving for first and last month's rent, as well as moving expenses and funds to buy some furniture if you need it. I think if you created a special account, moving out would start to feel more real. You could look at apartment rentals in different neighborhoods--I'd suggest actually touring some in person, for motivation. You could look at find-a-roommate websites. You could let trusted friends know that you're looking for your own place. And you might look at house-sitting options as well, if that fits in your schedule. In other words, if you take some baby steps towards making a move-out plan, I think you'll start to make some progress and build momentum. Merely having a plan will create some motivation for you! And if you start looking at neighborhoods and apartments, you'll get a clearer idea of what's in your budget. My suggestion would be to spend at least an hour every week working on your move-out plan. My guess is, eventually something will come available, and you'll be ready--because you'll see the opportunity and be ready to pounce on it. Maybe it's not a "forever" home, just a "transitional" home where you can live in peace. Even a "transitional" home would be an improvement, right? From there, you could always look for something better, maybe a year further down the line.
As for your sister, my guess is that she doesn't hold down any jobs because she doesn't have to. She's not going to find employment until she has no other choice. As long as you hang around, live with her and pay some (or all) her expenses, my guess is that she'll be content mooching off of you, while blaming you and abusing you, too. My advice? The sooner you leave, the sooner your sister will have to take responsibility for her life. She might fall apart, but then she might get the help she really needs.
Look, it seems to me that the status quo isn't working for you, and it's not really working for your sister, either. My sense is that the sooner you get out of that toxic situation, the better it will be for all of you. I know that finding your own place might feel arduous, even scary. But I think in reality, the status quo is more arduous and scary. It's up to you to change your life for the better. I know you have an amazing gift, which is positivity in the face of adversity. But you need to give yourself the gift of freedom without remorse. I hope you consider that. All the best to you.