Thank you I can’t help but feel I ruined it that it was my fault, if I had just done this or that differently and yes whether she wil come back is keeping me stuck so bad but I can’t let go and am not ready to. I am hoping to be able to see someone soon but it takes a while to get an appointment.

Yes, this sounds a lot like BPD, even though you haven't described many symptoms. I can't say if your partner will unblock you and get back. Probably she wants to, but when you said to block you and keep you blocked, she might have understood that you were done dealing with her, the ultimate rejection. But in a way they unconsciously seek to be rejected.

Thank you @superdaddy this is part of what is eating me up what I said from complete overwhelm from the 100s of prior blocks even though she did say prior to this that her urge to return to me was dwindling. Not sure how to interpret that. But I was very hurt. I wish I never said it I wish I never did but everything I read says I shouldn’t go back to clarify it and I already sent an apology email for yelling that had had no response for three months. Not knowing what to do and feeling like my hands are tied while she is moving on without me and hating me is really painful for me.

I really appreciate your advice re the relationship and I will certainly take it if there is still a chance for one. I just want her to come back to me so I can try!

Hi there,

I'm sorry you lost a beloved pet and that your daughter refused to acknowledge it in the moment.  My sense is that she "lost" the dog when she abandoned it, and she probably didn't want to be reminded of that, nor betray any rekindled sadness or guilty feelings.  A typical BPD response to overwhelming emotions is complete avoidance.  That's my take.  Another possibility is that your daughter didn't love caring for pets, with all the feedings, walking multiple times a day, picking up feces, the hair shedding everywhere, the extra vacuuming, the slobber, the barking, the urinary mishaps, the stink, the ticks, the barfing whenever the dog eats people food, the hole digging, not to mention the added expense.  Maybe your daughter was relieved to abdicate her responsibility for pet chores?

But then in your posts I see some desperation that goes beyond the passing of a beloved pet.  Your title is includes "point of no turning back."  My general mindset with BPD is that very few things last forever, because emotions tend to be volatile.  Just because your daughter isn't communicating with you right now doesn't necessarily mean it's forever.  Besides, you can keep tabs on her through your mother.  That's something, much better than knowing absolutely nothing about her welfare.  You know you will be notified about anything important.  That would be reassuring in my opinion.

The other act of "desperation" I see is regarding the insurance coverage.  It seems to me that you and your mom are probably 100x more upset about the termination of the old policy than your daughter.  Maybe your daughter already got her own insurance plan.  Or maybe she's clueless about insurance because she's always had other adults arrange it for her as well as pay for it.  But she's 26 now, it's high time that she take responsibility for her insurance, not you, not your mom.  She's not a baby anymore.  So the "frantic text" seems over-the-top to me, given that you and her grandma are panicking about insurance coverage and your daughter isn't even involved in the conversation.  My advice would be to stay out of it and not meddle, especially if your daughter didn't ask you to.  Your daughter might think you're meddling, and she might perceive that you think she's clueless and incompetent.  She may actually be clueless and incompetent, but I think you shouldn't do anything to betray that belief, because it would be insulting to her.  Granted, when my BPD stepdaughter was turning 26, I did give her a heads up that she would have to purchase her own policy going forward, as she was not eligible to be covered on parental plans anymore.  I referred her to the state's website and said I was confident she'd be able to sign up herself.  And that was the last I mentioned it.  No frantic texts, worries, hand-wringing or back and forth, just facts and basic information, following the BIFF formula (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm). 

Hi BPDstinks
Yes the hope keeps rising up doesn't it? I have been thinking about this and observing myself and my thoughts in relation to my BPD DD. I think that one result of the BPD rollercoaster ride is that I can't hold on to the concept that my BPD's brain is not functioning normally.

I find that if I don't see her for a few days, I am thinking of all the possible things that might help, what I could/should do, what if I  . . .

Take yesterday - I pick her up and we are having quite a pleasant, normal conversation - not really normal because I am watching what I say. Then all of a sudden something triggers anger etc and I pull back into my realisation that interaction can't be casual or 'normal' if I want to avoid emotional explosions.

I think Pook075 understands and is able to hold on to thinking in this way - ie our expectations don't 'fit' the way a BPD person functions.

Thank you for posting - it makes me think about how I am functioning in this crazy world of BPD.

I agree with Kells' assessment. Back in 2009 , we also had to put our then teen son into  therapeutic hospital.  He was 15 at the time, suicidal, and dangerous to be around.   I truly believe that saved him and allowed him to complete high school and even get a BS degree later on .  He also learned basics of living, like shaving, doing bathing regularly, washing and drying clothes in the machines.  I am not sure about the hospitals you listed, as back in 2009 , our choices were different and we live in a different area of the country.

Unfortunately, when he graduated college , he never adulted,  was diagnosed with other co morbid illnesses ( including substance abuse, etc).  However, I credit the therapeutic hospital for helping us get him through the teens to adult hood.  I agree while at a certain age, there has to be buy in to get well, however, in early to mid teens I believe the therapeutic hospital saved my son's  life.

Hi,

I've been exactly where you are right now.  My stepdaughter took some time off living at her mom's a couple of times, and she did exactly what you describe.  The longer her "vacation," the worse she got.  I write "vacation" because that's how it starts--for example summer break--but as it continues, it looks more and more like vacating her entire life, relinquishing herself and sinking into a pit of despair.

I think you let her live with mom for as long as she can stand it.  My guess is that she'll get fed up and have some sort of altercation, and then she'll rebound and ask to live with you for a time.

Should you decide to let your daughter live with you, my advice is to be prepared with firm boundaries.  She's not a kid anymore, and she can't just expect for you to let her live with you in her childhood bedroom while she continues with the status quo (sleeping all day, not working or studying, blaming you for all her woes).  My advice--do not enable her to be NEETT, which is my abbreviation for Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy.  In short, if you are supporting her in any way, she is not allowed to give up on her life and stop trying.  While she's living with you, she must be respectful and contributing some way, such as paying rent, picking up after herself and doing communal chores.  And she must be working on creating an adult's life for herself, through some combination of study, therapy, volunteerism/training or employment.  In other words, don't fall into the trap my husband was in:  allowing an able-bodied adult to be on permanent vacation while being disrespectful/hostile, demanding and petulant, creating chaos in our home when it's supposed to be a sanctuary, and essentially getting "paid" by her dad to do nothing good.

I'd advise, please do not let her back in your home unless you are prepared to enforce boundaries, and make these clear from the start.  You can say this respectfully:  My darling, you are an adult now, and if you live with me, I want to have a respectful and peaceful home where everyone contributes.  If you live here, (state your basic house rules).  I understand you are free to live anywhere you want, and if you're not comfortable with those conditions, I respect that--you don't have to live here, I'm not forcing you.  But in this house, all adults have to be respectful and contribute, including you.  If you don't respect that, I'm going to ask you to leave.

As for financial support, I understand that it's not realistic to expect your currently dysfunctional daughter to support herself, in New York City no less, if she can't even hold down a starter job.  But I do think she can start to take some responsibility for herself.  If she's not doing so already, I'd start with the cell phone--this is an example of a baby step.  Get her off your plan (or your ex's) and make her pay for her own phone.  She's free to decide not to have a personal phone and borrow someone else's.  But she's 22, she should be responsible for that sort of expense.  I'd say, the same goes for all other luxury, entertainment and convenience items--let her earn the money to pay for them.  If she's so dysfunctional and can't do any job (such as babysitting), then you can start with paid chores.  Another formula that might incentivize her is a matching scheme, where you match a percentage of anything she earns, with a goal of gradually weaning her off your matching support.  If she wants money for a training program or similar, fine, but she has to earn a meaningful percentage of the cost, so that she has skin in the game.  I think this sort of thing is the difference between financial "support" and outright enablement.  Support is when she's generally doing the right things and going in the right direction, and you're boosting her up.  I'll highlight the importance of seeing positive ACTIONS first, not empty promises (or worse, threats).  In contrast, enablement is when she's not doing what she's supposed to be doing, while YOU are bearing the costs, consequences  and efforts.  Make sense?

As for the therapy co-pays, I think you tell her:  Look, I'm paying for your health insurance, and for as long as I'm paying for it, I'm going to receive the co-pays, and since I'm responsible for the co-pays, I need to ensure they are paid.  I understand you might not like that, but you are free to buy your own insurance and be responsible for your own co-pays.  Most adults buy insurance through their employer.  OK?

As for not following up on job leads, I've been there too.  But she's not going to get a job until she has to.  If you give her money for phones, manicures, travel, restaurant foods and other luxuries, she's content with what she has, even though she demands more.  She's not going to work or do anything productive unless she's absolutely compelled, which is why I suggest starting with the cell phone plan.  Maybe your ex will "sabotage" your efforts by giving her too much spending money.  But she's free to do that for as long as your daughter is living at her place.  You might have to wait it out in the meantime.

All my best to you.  Try to stay calm and reasonable, your daughter really needs it.

Thanks for your reflection. I definitely see a lot of myself in it. I guess I think of myself as someone with a strong sense of self, so I was really surprised when I finally could admit how many times I'd overridden the feeling that something about my relationship was really doing me damage. Took a while!

My big hope for myself, and my new focus, is that I figure out my internal (and external) paths in the world without orienting it around romantic partnership. It's always good to hear that it takes time and small steps, so thanks for saying that. I struggle against the fantasy that everything I want to change could happen in one go.

Hi, cc43,

yes to all of your questions about how my daughter is doing right now. I don't know about the state of her room because she's at her mother's. I know that she does sleep all day and doesn't have any friends (which is what she said when I told her to go out with her friends for New Year's, "I don't have any friends" is how she described her current life), has no job but claims to be "working on her resume which she won't let me see nor help with job leads and any job leads I do provide, she shoots down.

The support she does expect seems to be unlimited starting with the "I demand to be compensated for my childhood" to "I need money for copays for therapy" (the latter of course, I was happy to pay for but wanted to pay directly and her objection was that I'd "see her therapist" if I was allowed to pay the copay through the payment site, in the end I sent her enough to cover 3 months' worth of copays, let's see if she actually uses it for that or comes back in a month demanding more money). She has no means of income and has no idea what she wants to do. She talks about getting a job "at a coffeeshop" but never goes past talking. She talks about "buying a place of her own" but I have no idea how she would do that.

The whole fleeing thing reminds me of the expression "no matter where you go, you take yourself with you".

I can make suggestions about baby steps but as she's not listening to me other than to lash out and demand money, I can only make the suggestions and hope something gets through.

One thing I have realized is that consistency needs to be the main focus of my interactions with her. I cannot one time participate and give in to her delusions about accusations and demands for money and the next time stand my ground. The last time I gave her money will be the last time and only with conditions if it happens again.

I'm hoping the more I educate myself about this and learn better ways of interacting, that our relationship will morph into something better.

i can hope.

Well I've been in the exact same situation.  My adult BPD stepdaughter has gone through more "living situations" than I can count, and the roommates are always "toxic" and "abusive."  I don't believe she has ever made it until the end of a lease.  Of course, since her dad was paying, she didn't seem to mind.  I'm pretty sure we've paid as much rent for her NOT to live in an apartment as we have for her to live in it.  Ditto tuition.  "Giving up" was a recurring theme, and it drove me absolutely bonkers.  Ultimately she gave up on her very life with multiple suicide attempts.

Look, I get that most young adults need parental logistical, emotional and/or financial support when they start out.  It's just that with BPD, I think the expectations are for the support to be unlimited.  The mentality seems to be, they need parents to "set them up" in a "new" place so they can get a "fresh start," in the hopes that their problems will magically disappear.  But the reality is that changing locations doesn't solve anything.  In reality, changing locations creates more havoc because of the substantial cost and stress of moving, not to mention moving farther away from familiar places and traditional support systems.  I think my BPD stepdaughter has made changing up her living situations like a full-time job.  I see it as AVOIDANCE, as a distraction from what she should really be doing, namely college and/or employment.  Sometimes I see the fleeing as the flight reaction when she's in fight-or-flight mode.  You see, she feels constantly "traumatized" by life, and so she thinks she needs a new living situation to flee from it.

By the way, my stepdaughter grew up with the traditional visitation schedule with her long-divorced parents (home base with mom, Wednesday evenings and every other weekend with dad).  But when she got a car and a driver's license, she was able to go back and forth basically at will.  I think this freedom of movement didn't exactly help her, because what she would do was leave whichever household was trying to enforce rules or boundaries.  Rather than learn to face problems and resolve conflicts, what she learned was to flee the situation, and her absense became "punishment" to the "offending" parent!  And the receiving parent was generally all too happy to accommodate her.  The "offending" parent would typically reach out and "beg" her to return.  What did she learn?  That acting out, petulance and storming off in protest got her out of facing consequences for her behaviors, and in addition got her attention.  The thing is, the older she got and the more freedoms and money she got, the more she relied on this formula--acting out, storming off, trying to get attention as well as exact retribution.  But it only works with parents.  Friends and roommates won't tolerate that sort of baloney.  There have been no boyfriends as far as I know, which is surprising because my stepdaughter is a very attractive woman.  By the way, I'll mention that my stepdaughter's mom is a high-conflict person.  No idea if she has mental issues, but I wouldn't be surprised one bit if she did.  My husband (her dad) is supportive, but in a more traditional "provider" role than emotionally.  He has a temper and loses his cool when under stress, which is probably not the ideal formula when dealing with a daughter with BPD.  I've heard him yell at her a few times when I felt he should have been able to be the "calm one."  He doesn't quite see as I do that his daughter's accusations and insults are projections.  Like her, he tends to take everything personally, when he shouldn't be so easily triggered.  Yet kids know how to push parental buttons better than anyone.

Anyway, without really knowing all the particulars of your situation, I might make a few suggestions based on years of experience in dealing with this.  First off, you might think in terms of baby steps.  Now I know you might have big dreams for your daughter about going off to college, starting a career or starting a family, and I'm not saying she's not capable, but right now her BPD means she's emotionally "handicapped."  She's facing an adult's world with all its freedoms and stresses but with the emotional skills of a young teen at best.  She's not adequately equipped to handle the world yet (with patience, resilience, understanding of context, empathy, distress tolerance, conflict resolution skills, focus, vision, planning and execution skills).  Basically she's telling you this because she thinks she'll "never" have a relationship, kids or job.  My stepdaughter says the exact same thing.  She's all worried about the distant future, seeing herself in harshly negative light while she scrolls through social media.  My guess is that both daughters are worried about disappointing their parents, too.

Look, she doesn't have to plan out her entire life right now--that's simply too frightening as well as daunting.  She should focus on taking baby steps.  Probably the first baby step is therapy.  Right now, that might be her primary focus.  Other things can wait.  When my stepdaughter was at her lowest point, I think it helped her dad and me to think in terms of having a "special needs" kid.  I think it relieves some of the guilty feelings, as well as recognizing that "conventional" parenting and expectations don't quite work with a BPD kid.

I'd ask you, does your daughter's life look highly dysfunctional right now?  Is she sleeping all day, is her room a total mess?  Is she not able to complete her studies?  She can't seem to hold a job?  Is she self-medicating with illicit substances?  Is she unable to maintain any healthy friendships?  Is she unable to have a "normal" conversation with you, no matter how insignificant?  Is she unable to follow normal routines like eating dinner with family at dinnertime?  Is she looking physically unattractive--not showering regularly, not putting on cute outfits, overeating, not getting any exercise?  Her physical condition (and that of her room/apartment) are likely a reflection of her mental state.  She might beg you to enrol her in college again.  She might demand you set her up in a new apartment again.  She might beg you to help her move out of state.  My opinion is that, if her life is looking dysfuncitonal, big commitments or moves would be setting her up to fail.  I'd advise, don't do it for her.  Besides, at 22, if she really wanted to re-enrol in college or move out of state, she should be able to do it herself.  If you do it FOR her, you are basically enabling continued dysfunction, while digging yourself (and her) into a deeper hole.

OK back to baby steps.  If your daughter focuses on therapy, she would be learning some emotional coping skills, and she'd probably be getting her daily life under control.  I think the first signs of better functioning are along the lines I outlined above--getting into a healthier daily routine, taking care of her body and environment, resuming more normal-looking routines like sharing a meals with family members, seeing friends from time to time and getting regular exercise.  She should be able to show some restraint, such as not blowing up over nothing, and not hurling tirades by text.  I think that's when she's probably ready to start some higher-stress routines, such as classes or a job.  But I'd advise, BABY STEPS.  That might look like taking an online class or two at first, to work up to higher stress levels.  Maybe it looks like an easy part-time job at first like dog walking.  Only after she proves she can handle the increased responsibilities would she progress to a fuller schedule.  She might need a year handling a very part-time schedule (e.g. 15 hours a week) plus therapy before she's ready for more.

In all this process of taking baby steps, I think your daughter can start to build momentum.  In my opinion, the direction of movement is more important than speed.  Sure, she's going to "derail" from time to time, but the important thing is to get back on track relatively quickly.  My guess is that you can be a huge ally for her here.  How does that sound to you?

There was a time that my BPD stepdaughter was making all sorts of demands for money and support.  But at some point, the conversation starts to change, from one of "enablement" to one of "emotional support/cheerleader."  For example, my stepdaughter dreams of moving to an expensive city.  Instead of saying, "Your dad and I can't afford to co-sign a lease there," or "You'd need a job paying at least $90,000 to afford an apartment," I'd say something like, "I can see why you're attracted to that city, it's a dynamic place."  If she insists that she absolutely has to go there, I'll say something like, "Well I'm not stopping you."  I guess I'm saying that the parental role eventually has to evolve from provider/educator to cheerleader/trusted advisor.  But I'm not offering "unsolicited" advice that I'm usually inclined to give, such as concerns about affordability and budgeting, because she won't listen to me anyway, and she'll take it to mean that I'm not supportive.  I have to trust that she'll figure it out.

 Tinab,

Five years of things regularly spiraling is a long time. Especially if those spirals have felt hurtful or hard on you. Of course you’re tired.

There’s only so much one person can do to steady a relationship. Therapy can help, but real change means he has to own his behavior and work on it consistently. Otherwise you end up managing the same cycles over and over.

No one here can tell you when it’s time to go. That’s personal. What we can do is help you slow this down and look at it clearly.

Have things truly improved?
Is he taking responsibility when things blow up?
Or are you the one adjusting to keep the peace?

You don’t sound uncaring. You sound worn out.

If you want, tell us what the last few months have actually looked like.