She can be a horrible person. I've been in therapy for over 6 years and doing much better, but recently she's been getting worse, and this year, I've been very sick. She refused to take care of me or help me in any way.
Hi again Einstein,
I'm so sorry things have been getting worse lately. To me, that you're very sick explains a lot. I've noticed that sickness can be triggering for a pwBPD. Maybe it has to do with "contagion" of malaise, but I think that deep down, the pwBPD feels "abandoned" when there's sickness in the family. That's because attention--especially your attention--is temporarily diverted away from her. In the case of a long-term sickness, she might spin out of control, believing that her very life is ending as she knows it. She can't bear not to hold 100% of your attention and have access to 100% of your energy/capability/financial support. So what does she do? She manufactures dramas, big and small, to ensure she still has a hold over you and to reclaim your attention. She will "punish" you for being sick, which is the opposite of what you need. Just when you need to focus on self-care the most, she's acting out. It's especially cruel because you're not feeling well as it is.
I think the same sort of thing happens when you dare to do something nice for yourself, like go on vacation. Cue the feelings of abandonment. Double-cue the feelings of jealousy and spite--that you dare to have fun, when she isn't happy at all. What does she do in response? She punishes you. She neglects the pets, she manufactures drama to reclaim your attention, she "spoils" your trip. She's trying to make sure that you know, if you ever dare to leave her alone, it's not worth it to you. It's her misguided way of keeping you trapped at home, so that she commands 100% of your attention and servitude. Does that sound about right? If that sounds familiar, it's because I've lived through that.
Sometimes I agree with Pook, that the pwBPD truly believes that she was hurt or offended. That may be the case with your mom, but I wouldn't rule out plain lying, which they'll justify by blame-shifting (Well you/they made me do it!). The pwBPD in my life is perfectly capable of faking some sort of meltdown/crisis/sudden illness to get what they want. It's almost always when I'm headed off for a vacation/fun afternoon, coming down with an illness myself, or dealing with a death in the family. It's so predictable and ludricous that I want to scream sometimes. It's like they're programmed to needle me, abuse me, take advantage of me exactly when I need the tiniest bit of cooperation. It's like I'm living with a five-year-old sometimes--and I know some five-year-olds who are emotionally more mature, dependable and self-sufficient! I think you wrote that it's a huge letdown that you can't rely on your mom for anything whatsoever (except generalized dysfunction and meltdowns). And that really hurts because she's your mom, and you give her so much of yourself. I get it. I guess the only way to cope is to assume non-cooperation, and that way, you won't be as disappointed. You just need to assume she's not reliable. When she does cooperate, then that's gravy.
As you're living with your mom, I'm wondering if you could carve out some extra space for yourself. If living apart isn't possible, maybe you could claim a separate room in the home, all to yourself? I did that a while back, and it felt life-changing. Before, I didn't have any space for myself, not even a closet--everything was shared, and since my spouse has very strong opinions about decorations and furnishings (as well as a lot of stuff), nothing felt truly "mine," and all the spaces felt cramped. I didn't have privacy--my family wouldn't let me focus uninterrupted for more than a few of minutes, and my belongings would often go missing, infuriating me. But once I claimed a room for myself (with a door), I felt like I had some privacy, some space to myself. If someone took something from my room without asking, it became a clear violation of privacy. Moreover, since there was a door, there was a physical barrier to separate me and my stuff, and I think that people had to think twice before barging in. When in my space, I wasn't immediately "available" to solve every single little problem. It helped me to "slow walk" even more. In short, having a separate room of my own became my refuge and made me feel more at peace.
In the meantime, I'd encourage you to get out as much as you can, and ensure you see friends and do some fun things as much as possible. You DESERVE to have a life. Even if your mom "punishes" you for having a life, don't let that stop you. Just let her have her tantrum (assuming she does that). Once you understand what she's doing, I think it's easier to accept it for what it is, and move on. By cultivating your life (friends, hobbies, self-care, taking care of pets, etc.), you'll start to feel more like your normal self, and your mom's dysfunction will seem a smaller part of your life. That might cut down on feelings of resentment, too. We wouldn't want you to miss out on your life. So you go make it happen, no matter what your mom does, and don't feel guilty, either. I know it's hard, but it's also worth it.


