I am so sorry for your loss and it's heart breaking that your nephew didn't reach out for help.  Sometimes those households can become so toxic and it's always the most heartbreaking for the children involved.  If only someone spoke up, if only a hundred different things happened, maybe it doesn't end this way.

Please understand that there was no way to know what was truly going on inside that home.  Both my ex-wife and my oldest daughter are BPD, and my youngest kid and I often talk about how "abnormal" our home was on a daily basis.  We truly had no idea how bad it was and we were living in it...and people outside the home couldn't begin to understand.  So from someone who has been in that environment, it's just so tough to talk to anyone about it.  Literally nobody believed me and nobody believed my youngest kid either.

I'll tell you what did help me a lot personally, and that was getting into therapy to talk this stuff out and realize that I'm not alone in all this.  It's what led me to this forum and helped me understand why my BPD ex-wife was the way she was, why there was always conflict and endless drama with my BPD kid, and why they ultimately both deserve compassion.  We can talk about that later though.

For now, is there anything we can talk out that's been weighing on you?  Please let us know since we're all here to help!

Learning about family dynamics and also relationship dynamics helped me to understand the behavior patterns in the family and roles people took on. One is the Karpman triangle. I can relate to your feeling you needed to save people in the family, but that expected role itself could be part of the family dysfunction. I learned that, due to the Karpman triangle dynamics, attempts to rescue would not be effective.

Still, it was possible for other family members to make a positive difference for us. We would spend time with my father's family when we were children and they were wonderful to us. My relationship with my BPD mother's family was influenced by her behavior but they eventually caught on to the dynamics and we have reconnected some. As an adult, I don't need the same kind of parenting a child does, but still, to have supportive family makes a difference - at any age. What may feel like a little to you, is huge to us, if we have not had that kind of "normal" relationship with a parent.

You can be a loving presence for the kids with emotionally healthy boundaries and this may require your own self examination of the roles that are assumed to be "normal" in your family dynamics. This may feel "wrong" to you and you may also experience some negative reactions in other family members when you do. Families configure themselves into a sort of balance. If one family member changes their behavior- the other members can feel a sense of discomfort and react to that. It seems you have felt a responsibility for your BPD sibling but possibly it's family dynamics that contribute to this too.

Having boundaries doesn't mean we don't ever help or care, but that we do so without crossing the line into enabling or co-dependent behavior. Self care is essential. Grief is difficult. There isn't one "right" way to go through it. You can and will feel what you feel. Other family members, and your BPD sibling are experiencing their own feelings too, they may not be capable of being emotionally supportive to you. It's good you have your spouse and friends. It's OK to take care of yourself. You can sort out how you choose to relate to your BPD sibling and other family members later.

Is that what the "bem" in your member name represents?


That's a timeline as old and predictable as time.  Stopped drinking... will restart eventually... it's your fault...

Thank you so much, Mutt, for your support and welcoming words. You are so right about the disorientation, that is a great way to describe it. I believe you are correct about pulling back, this feels like torture waiting for the next text or call. Although I do try to be low contact, I admit I could involve myself less with the chaos. I get wrapped up in my parent's reactions to everything also.

I try my best to feel the grief and anger when it comes & then let it pass, and enjoy the peaceful moments as they come also. I pray a lot, and do my best to take care of myself (eating well, sleeping enough, doing things I enjoy when I can). And I try to focus on the greater sense of gratitude that this has brought, I am much more grateful for my health, spouse, job, friends, etc. Gratitude helps realign my thoughts to positive things and accept the more negative things.

Thank you, Notwendy, for your kindness and support. I am sorry to hear of your losses as well. It really helps to hear from someone outside my circle that I am not doing "something wrong" in my grief and confusion. I appreciate your insights as well, they really make so much sense looking back. It gives me some comfort knowing I couldn't have "saved them" from their parents, though I will always wish I could save them the pain and chaos.

I will strongly consider going back into counseling, I had some poor luck finding a good match or they kept leaving the practice and passing me along to someone new. I will also look into those groups, I have not ever considered those programs before. But it makes sense.

Thank you for your kind words and support, CC43. What you said really hits the nail on the head, I believe I always got "a distorted, self-serving version of events, where she was perpetually the aggrieved victim." but never truly saw it until now. I do often feel like I am the eldest but I am the youngest child and the only who does not suffer from severe mental illness, so I have always felt the need to caretake, even after moving away years ago I tried so hard to do so from afar. Luckily, after years it has naturally diminished the need for my presence to caretake emotions in the family and is much less so now. That was a big hurdle for me though for about a decade.

Thank you for taking the time to empathize and make me feel less alone in this. It helps so much to read what others experience and be able to relate to them.

Thank you so much for your kindness and insights, these realizations are very new to me. I never noticed the guilt and fear in the relationship apart from fear of hurting my sibling or fear of losing them. It makes a lot of sense now. It helps a lot to hear that I did not "fail to do more" or "save them".

Thankfully the children are safe and away from the household now and children services is monitoring the situation on the one underage child. All are getting therapy and really focusing on taking care of themselves apart from one of the elder children who doesn't feel ready yet. I believe they are taking the right steps to heal and grieve and set boundaries now where they can. They are all working to resolve the grief and pain as well and navigate the relationship with their parent. I am very proud of them.

That “bizarro world” feeling you’re describing makes a lot of sense. When things shift this fast and this much, it can feel really disorienting even when part of you understands what’s going on.

When a relationship feels like it might actually end, it’s pretty common to see a surge of effort to try and pull things back together. More warmth, more attention, showing up in ways that haven’t been there in a long time. On the surface it can look like things are suddenly better, but a lot of the time it’s coming from the fear of losing the connection, especially when that connection still feels central.

At the same time, there can be a different version of the story happening with other people. Especially when there’s a lot of emotion tied to how things might look from the outside. As you probably already know, for a lot of pwBPD, feelings like shame and guilt can sit pretty close to the surface, so how things are seen by others can carry a lot of weight.

Holding both of those at once, what you’re experiencing directly and what’s being said around you, can really mess with your sense of what’s real.

What stands out is that you’re still clear in your read of things, even with everything suddenly looking “better” on the surface. That’s not easy to hold onto.

With the next step coming up, things may shift again once it becomes more real.

How are you doing with it today?

After years and years of struggling in my marriage, I reached a point where I could no longer ignore what I was feeling or continue living in a way that didn’t feel emotionally safe or sustainable. A few days ago, I told my wife that I want a divorce.

Even writing that still feels surreal.

Since telling her, I’ve been seeing patterns more clearly than ever. And strange behavior from my wife. I think she's been possessed by aliens.

The talk itself was strangely calm. She didn't freak out, she had noticed a lot of my distance and said she thought I might do something like this. She has been mostly in denial and bargaining since I told her. She said she doesn't want this. She knows she will win me back and I will love her again. I waited a couple days before we sat down and told the kids (19f, 21m). That conversation went ok. I went first then my wife spoke. She wanted to make it clear to the kids that she was not going to go along with the divorce, it's not what she wants and will keep praying/working for our marriage.

There’s been a strong push for reconciliation—prayers for our marriage, kindness, warmth, talking about repairing things, acting like everything could still be okay. At the same time, there are moments where I can feel tension building underneath, like things could flip quickly. It's been like bizarro world though. Ever since I told her it's crazy how much her personality has changed. She's doing things she never does, or hasn't done in years and it feels more strange then anything. Trying to be a perfect wife and mom.

It was almost comical. I came home later after we had the talk. She was all dolled up in a dress, makeup and jewelry. She was trying to be seductive. She said she's stopped drinking, threw out the alcohol in the house and says she's done for good. She has been more helpful around the house. All of the sudden cleaning up and asking if she can help with dinner. She wanted to come to the airport to pickup our daughter at 6am which is especially strange because I do 100% of the running around taking kids to dr appts or rides wherever needed. She nearly never does. She baked cookies last night. She's been laughing and joing more. Easy going - telling me to take my time when I leave the house. Hasn't done that in years. It's so transparent to me. I know that it won't last and it's just not real.

What’s especially disorienting is the contrast between how she’s presenting externally to others vs what I’m experiencing directly. It seems like she's been in a smear campaign even before I told her about the divorce (she was sensing something was up). I know that because my MIL and Sis in law pretty much ghosted me 2-3 weeks before I told my wife about the divorce. And they've been almost silent since then which is unusual. They haven't reached out after the divorce news, even when I sent them a heartfelt letter. It let's me know whatever my wife is telling them must make me look like a pretty horrible person. And it's surprising because they've seen some pretty horrific behavior from my wife. The last family trip we took my wife was raging for 2 days and my sis in law almost took a flight home early because of my stbxBPDw's behavior and said she didn't know if she could ever travel with her again . Also I overheard her talking with her mom saying that in 6 months or a year she would drink again, that this was just a reset.

Some of the things she's told people this week and over the past couple of weeks I've learned (all lies):

• Told my aunt and sister and probably others I had a gay affair
• That I said no man would ever love her if she left me
• I’ve controlled every aspect of her life
• she’s afraid of me and that I’m angry
• I’m trying to ruin her career
• I’m trying to “put her in prison"
• Stated her drinking was caused by my behavior and needs it to cope with me
• I'm trying to trap her using cameras (I setup internal cameras in the spare room I moved to)

It's confusing but not too confusing. Clearly she's been setting up narratives to others while still trying to play me and pull me back in?

It's not changing my mind. I've seen these bursts of good behavior and even sobriety before. She doesn't know that I hired a lawyer yet. That will come in the next 24-48 hours which will probably really trigger her. That will make it really real. I was taking this one step at a time. The next step will be giving her a letter from my lawyer and seeing if she wants to do this cooperatively or if I just have to file and move this forward.

I'd like to share a few thoughts that you may be able to take to heart in addition to our empathy and compassion for the loss of your nephew.

Be assured that no one here expects you have done more or attempted more.  You're not a trained professional, counselor or therapist.  Neither are we, we are peer support who have faced a variety of crushing similar circumstances.  We've "been there, experienced that" to a greater or lesser extent.  We've learned through harsh experience that feelings of guilt need to be recognized and addressed lest they fester overlong.  Already mentioned is the acronym called BPD relationship "FOG", short for Fear, Obligation, Guilt where guilt is hitting hard now.

Mental illness, including Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), is usually a difficult concept for people to grasp.  After all, it doesn't make common sense.  The acting-in aspects are self-sabotaging and the acting-out aspects are so very hurtful and impactful to others in the nearby relationships.

BPD is a disorder that is most impactful to close relationships such as parents, siblings and children.  People on the periphery may notice something "off" but not be aware of the worse conditions in private scenarios at home.  That's where the people with BPD traits (pwBPD) are more likely to vent and rage.

That your sibling was never, to your knowledge, diagnosed with BPD is not surprising.  (There's also a possibility that your in-law may have been dealing with or responding to your sibling's behavior?)  Most of the members here have had to conclude it is undiagnosed BPD based on the behavior and perception patterns.  That is what family courts do... they deal with the behaviors in court orders.  They may order anger management and perhaps counseling or therapy, but they generally don't try to "fix" the parents.  Personality disorders such as Borderline, Narcissistic, etc are notoriously difficult to resolve.

BPD in particular is difficult for a relative to manage to get a pwBPD to improve.  This is because BPD is a disorder most impacting close relationships and the pwBPD is too sensitized to get past whatever past history to actually listen.  That is why a neutral therapist might make progress, though even that is quite iffy with the typical Blaming and Blame Shifting so common with BPD.

In addition, have the local children's services or other agencies been alerted to the needs of the other nephews or nieces, if any?  Those children likely have been facing the same pain and turmoil.  They would benefit greatly from focused individual counseling, though if the parents don't agree it may take an agency or relatives to petition family court order to step in.  It may come to a point that the children may be removed from that unhealthy environment, but courts and agencies are often reluctant to go to that extreme if there is no obvious abuse, neglect or endangerment.