I tried to do the same thing w/ my pwBPD re. the accountablty software. After so many accusatons of cheating & deception I thought having this software they could review would give them peace of mind. instead they exploded w/ rage that I would think they are the kind of person that wants to snoop on there partners phone. also I think the way they treat me embarrases them, so they nonsensically take that out as anger at me as well.

Hi there,

It's wonderful that you're giving your son and his family some support as they try to navigate adult life together.  I completely understand how BPD behaviors in your home, practically 24/7, can really wear you down.

I've lived with my BPD stepdaughter, on and off, for most of her adult life.  Most of that time was extremely difficult for everyone.  Her general aura was very negative, she was a slob and she didn't help out one bit.  But worse than that, she was blaming her dad and me all the time, for things we had nothing to do with.  The constant fighting, passive-aggressiveness, rudeness and worry were draining.  But here's the thing.  Unlike my husband, I was bothered less by her negative MOOD and paid much more attention to her ACTIONS.  If felt that, as long as my stepdaughter was generally doing what she was supposed to be doing--waking up in the morning, taking care of her health and hygiene, attending to her commitments (e.g. online class, therapy sessions), not destroying property, etc.--I was generally OK.  I mean, I felt she could hate me as much as she wanted, she could be a sourpuss as much as she wanted, as long as she was working on herself and doing what she was supposed to be doing while she was living with me and I was providing for her.

As for the mess and general home invasion, that got on my nerves too.  But as long as it was only temporary, I could handle it.  I thought, this is just for now, and not forever, right?  A few dirty dishes, bacon splatter and dirty clothes strewn about, though annoying, isn't going to ruin my life, right?  One thing I found very helpful was to claim a space in my house all for myself.  You see, historically I didn't have any private space.  You know the drill, everyone has their own room, but my bedroom is shared, my closet is shared, my bathroom is shared, my garage space is shared, my fridge is shared, and everyone feels entitled to rummage through my stuff to find whatever they want whenever they want it.  I felt constantly invaded and had no privacy, even when I asked for it.  I couldn't keep any supplies, like pens, scissors, stamps, toiletries, chargers, batteries, tape, socks, etc.  So I claimed my privacy back.  I took over a room and made it my space--neat, clean, with a locked safe in the closet, and my own set of supplies that nobody could "borrow" (i.e. take) without asking me first.  Best of all, my space had a door, and so people had to think twice before barging in and asking me for something.  It was life changing for me, an oasis of calm, privacy and control.

Now another point, the notion that the situation was temporary.  I felt much, much better knowing there was an end date.  For your situation, it sounds like the end date is "whenever son gets a better job."  But maybe you need to increase his INCENTIVE to get moving, and not be so picky on his job search.  I mean, it sounds like he's getting an awesome deal right now:  he gets free room, board and babysitting.  While that's great for him, it doesn't sound so great for YOU.  And so you might consider talking with him.  You could say, I love you, and I have supported you as you get on your feet as a family, but as you know, this can't go on forever, it's been four years already.  I need you to find your own place by such-and-such date.  That gives you plenty of time to save up for first and last month's rent, plus some extra for furnishings and settling in.  (If you're feeling extra-generous, you might give them a nice housewarming gift when the time comes.)

He might say, he can't possibly afford an apartment.  Really?  He's a man with a wife and two kids now.  He needs to work more hours, get promoted, find another job, drive an Uber in his spare time, basically do whatever it takes.  HE decided to have two kids, not you.  HE is responsible for his life, not you.  My sense is that he won't really take responsibility if he's too comfortable having free housing / meal prep / maid service / babysitter.  I mean, it's been at least four years already, where you're the primary provider.  It sounds to me like that's not fair to you, because you feel like your home has been invaded and you're not very happy with the situation.  It really sounds to me like they are overstaying.  And so I think you need to reclaim some control.  Sure, it will be hard for your son, because it will probably mean downsizing his lifestyle--he'll have to work more hours, have less space or both.  But almost everyone young adult experiences that, and yet the major upside is feeling responsible, independent, worthy.  In the meantime, you reclaim your life.

I am in therapy and have been since just before we started dating. I realized I had PTSD from my military service. But I can definitely discuss the now former relationship in my sessions.

I am figuring out my friendship and level of contact with her now that we aren't together anymore. She lives a good bit of distance away so there won't be any in person contact.

Thank you for sharing your story so openly—it takes a lot of courage to put those feelings into words, especially when you are right in the thick of such a painful transition.

Going through a long-term dissolution especially after 20 years and with a high-functioning BPD partner brings an overwhelming mix of grief, relief, confusion, and exhaustion. As many others on here know too well, having a child means the door to no contact is firmly closed, which makes the emotional healing process even more intricate because you have to constantly recalibrate boundaries and communication.

One thing that helped me gain immense clarity and perspective on relationship dynamics, emotional patterns, and compatibility down the road was shifting my focus inward and understanding how two people's core traits align or clash. If anyone is looking for resources or tools to better understand relationship health and patterns, exploring a compatibility test for couples https://astroma.co/compatibility naturally can offer profound insights into interpersonal dynamics and emotional intelligence.

Be gentle with yourself right now. Healing isn't linear, and some days will be heavier than others. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way—keep sharing and leaning on this community as you navigate the road ahead.

You can also include yourself in your own recovery. While being a supportive friend is well intended, the contact might also impede your own ability to emotionally recover and so if you feel it is at some time, you can pull back on the amount of contact. For many people in relationships (of different kinds- not only romantic), we tend to over function in the helping and caring situations, sometimes to the extent where we put our own needs on the back burner. This may or may not be you, but if it is, consider you can focus on your own recovery.

I agree that your (former) partner has shown insight by focusing on hers, and you also can focus on yours too. Many people who have been in or are in a relationship with someone with BPD also benefit from therapy too.

Sometimes we can not see our own tendencies. Our family of origin shapes our experience of "normal" for us as children. It's the only "normal" children know as they grow up. A therapist/counselor can be an objective person to assess this.

Self care is important and so I encourage you to also focus on your needs and interests- hobbies friends, work and consider counseling if you feel you have been over functioning as a helper.

Hi dlunalouise and welcome.

My DD with BPD and her daughter live with me so my situation is a little bit similar. I have to say straight off that I think you are amazing and you clearly love your son and grandchildren deeply.

It is a huge dilemma – one that I grapple with all the time over many years. Yes we do have options and one of them is to say ‘Move out’ – but when you can see clearly the consequences of that, it is not so simple to choose that option.

It does seem that to make it possible for our loved ones to have basic things such as a roof over their heads etc, we can end up feeling ‘dispossessed’ ourselves and that we have no control over our own lives – very real reasons for feeling depressed and that sense of having no way forward.

Can I ask whether you are working yourself? I had retired, but this year I found work for 3 days a week. I find that this – although tiring for me – is a way to get out of the house and be with other people.

I struggled for a long time re the state of the house etc and DD’s inability to get into any sort of routine etc. I kept trying to make this happen but to no avail. In the long run I found that rethinking things was a big help.
 
I love a clean and tidy house, but I find it easier to let go of that and have a different mental approach ie I don’t try to keep it all under my control, but I do things as they need it. This is my house but I think of it as living in a 'share' house. I have set up my room so that I can relax there and follow my interests. The rest of the house can get pretty chaotic at times!

You don’t say whether or not your DIL copes well with the children– that would be another huge stress for you if not!

The key for me has been letting go of lots of ways of thinking and seeing my life as ‘beside’ my DD’s. I find it hard to keep up with friends but I make sure I phone them etc and also have interests that I can follow – when I feel overwhelmed with my situation and how it can change, I find I can now ‘switch’ my mind to something that interests me and explore that for a while.

I think it is possible to see your life as separate to your family even when they are under the same roof and they ‘take over’ the space that is your home. I feel ‘free’ even though the demands of my DD and her daughter are very pretty big. Having work helps but I also try to take ‘time -out’ to just go for a short walk, stop on the way home to go to a café – I sometimes get a takeaway coffee and have it in the car while I have a phone catchup with a friend. I suppose I am trying to find my own ‘space’ wherever I can, and I find this help me cope with the situation.

I hope you are able to post again with more details of how things are for you.

Thank you everyone for your continued support and thoughts.

I agree, it is very admirable of her to be committed to bettering herself. I am glad she realized this early in our relationship and took action. I'm in no way mad or upset with her. We are on very good terms.

I am definitely grieving the loss of the relationship with her as we grew closer quickly. But I will be a friend and supportive of her healing from a bit more of a distance. I wish the best for her.

This is an admirable move on her part. 

To the extent she is able to truly recover from BPD, which I guess is more a matter of permanently changing her behavioral patterns so that she no longer displays the characteristics of BPD, she'll have accomplished something few BPDers do. 

Lest you feel too bad about losing someone, consider that this situation may be a bit of a "Catch-22" here, in that there was no real way you could have been together and been a healthy couple.  What I mean to say is, she needed space to work on herself, and she wouldn't have had that space in the context of a committed relationship with you.  And from what I've  read here, "recovering" from BPD is not a minor undertaking... in addition to being rare, it's a long term commitment of participating in DBT or some other form of therapy, and consciously incorporating the learnings from therapy in their own life. 

The closeness of a relationship is usually one of the things that "triggers" BPD behaviors, so if she had been in the relationship, it's likely she really wouldn't be able to work on herself, and would find herself slipping back into the negative behaviors one associates with BPD due to the sudden fears of abandonment and loss that they only really feel within the context of close relationships.

You also may want to consider that you dodged a bullet: the relationship ended before you were subject to any of the negative aspects of BPD.  Read some accounts here and suffer vicariously... the highs of the relationship are matched by the lows of feeling chained to these people who  seriously mistreat their partners and those closest to them.  There's nothing worse than dreading your home life because you never know what you're going to walk into; you never know when the other shoe is going to drop and you'll find yourself suddenly subjected to a screaming tirade, or physical abuse or worse. 

Yes that is well said.  Like you, I think this most recent incident (where I dated a suspected BPD woman who was also the sultry cheater prototype) made me realize I still carry some of the mental scars from the previous long-term relationship, or going back before that likely to my own issues from childhood, etc.

This was true of my ex from 3.5 years ago also.  I don't have much emotional reaction when I think about her, which does happen occasionally, I wonder what became of her .... but I don't think I will ever reach out again (and it is a coin toss whether she will ever contact me.)  Just have to remember to be very careful in dating to not let another one in -- and to continue healing myself -- given the amount of damage they are capable of inflicting.

Originally after the breakup it was the sexual chemistry and excitement which I missed the most, and which I thought would be the thing I could never replace.  Most of my pain in the early days seemed to come from longing for that part of my connection with her.  Now, having dated for 3+ years since that breakup, I realize that part was actually easily replaceable, and that the longing for her actually traces to my early childhood wounding which I was trying to repair via my relationship with her.   That shift was very surprising to me.

Hi again,

I'd say that the pwBPD in my life really clings to her version of events, "her truth" so to speak.  If she is questioned or challenged any way (with different facts or interpretations), she'll typically stonewall (be evasive, dance around the issue, refuse to listen, talk/yell over others, sometimes lie, argue in circles, etc.), distract/deflect by blaming or bringing up an unrelated issue or insult (aka DARVO), or retreat in avoidance.  Sometimes we'll experience all three tactics in the span of a few minutes.  Most of the time, there's victimization and misplaced blame involved.

I've written here many times before that I think the victim attitude is the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless and feeling not responsible for life and her behavior, blaming others instead.  I think it's basically a form of learned helplessness.   But at the same time, she's getting something out of it:  she's avoiding responsibility, she's getting attention and concessions, and she's feeling justified in acting mean.  For her, the stakes are high.  She clings to the victim narrative like her life depends on it.  Many times I've felt that her life basically did depend on this way of thinking, because victimhood becomes her very IDENTITY.  I mean, if she's not the poor, aggrieved, traumatized girl treated unfairly by the entire world, then who is she really?  Her life depends on maintaining this narrative, and she re-interprets the past with that lens.  So to answer your question, I think this is the reason that she HAS to be right . . . that her narrative is the right one, and that you're not only wrong, but you're a horrible person for invalidating her feelings and not agreeing with her, even when she's lying.  She's so convinced and self-righteous that she'll literally threaten suicide to prove you wrong, while blaming you for making her want to kill herself.  And yet, when "her truth" starts to crack, she starts to become unhinged, and she might experience bouts of dissociation, with the realization that she's made some terrible decisions.  Does that sound familiar?  I honestly wish it didn't sound familiar to me.