Gosh, CC43, you've nailed it. 100%. I agree with all you've written, and I sympathize with your husband being the punching bag as I am. It's the hardest thing I've experienced, and I wonder if he would say the same. We are not wired or prepared to parent that. It sounds like you are both wonderful parents to her and very patient.

I had another child with struggles, but for whatever reason, they never blamed me or raged at me, so I was able to stay empathetic and involved, and we are close now.

If a friend told me her child was acting like mine to her, I would advise her to set limits and stop taking calls or responding to mean texts. What holds me back is thinking of her alone, feeling unloved and left behind. We won't have much of a relationship if I wait for regulated communication.  But if I don't wait for that, I continue a pattern of escalated, rages that has been happening for years.

So either 1) I take the verbal blaming and rudeness in every call and text to maintain connection, or 2) I don't take the calls per my limits, and she receives it as silent treatment and abandonment.

I'm so glad your SD did receive treatment and that she's using some of the skills at times, and showing stability. That's amazing! My oldest did DBT and had a wonderful therapist. At the time, she didn't use the skills much, but she uses them now! 

Indeed, I figured out much the same over time, as facts emerged which didn't line up with the pwBPD's narrative, which invariably involved hating/blaming other people.

For the pwBPD in my life, no contact was usually associated with something else going on in her life that she was ashamed of, such as getting kicked out of her rooming situation, failing, dropping out of college, quitting/getting fired, burning through spending money given to her, use of illicit substances, etc.  I think she couldn't bring herself to tell her dad what was really going on.  For her, avoidance seems easier than deceit, because any conversation would probably start with, How are you? and the truth was, Terrible.  She'd maintain no contact until she ran out of money, housing or both, and then she'd have to fess up, because she needed someone to drop what they're doing, pick her up and move her back into our home.   That was the best outcome.  Unfortunately, her shame was so intense that for years, she decided that attempting suicide was her only way out.  But deep down I think she couldn't really commit suicide; rather, it was a desperate cry for help.  Her negative thinking patterns prevented her from working out viable solutions, like finding a tutor, re-taking a class she failed/dropped, finding a new roommate, finding a new job, transferring to an easier college, etc.  Her dysregulated emotions overwhelmed her.  In her mind, every disappointment and obstacle felt like the end of the world.  She didn't have maturity or perspective, let alone the inner resources to handle challenges one day at a time.  Her response?  Flight (aka avoidance, no contact) or sometimes Fight (lashing out at parents for past transgressions to deflect attention from what's really going on, and to unleash her rage about how she hates her life).

My uBPDh is not good at communication. When in his nice phase, he can hear what is being said and somewhat communicate to a lower level, but when he is splitting all of what has been communicated and agreed about goes out the window and he goes through a phase of not speaking, then yelling, none of which ever makes any sense. Luckily, last year he was forced to get another place to stay, so I can tell him during these times that he needs to stay there when he does this…and the kids are afraid of him during this time, so they all choose to stay at home. He will re-regulate, and go on as nothing has happened. I am getting to the point where I feel like I need to have some sort of communication with him at this switch back, but I’m not sure how to do so. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to start a conversation at this time? It doesn’t need to be a blaming one, more just saying something like please communicate when you change plans that involve the kids and don’t tell me, or something like this.

Sometimes we don't have closure or resolution and it becomes a sort of grief, and odd one because the person is still here- and so there's always a bit of hope.

I know you have heard this before but the only path forward is self care and refocusing. Not an easy task. This isn't saying to get over something we don't really get over- it's more about making a conscious choice of what to focus on.

12 step groups (ACA, CODA) were helpful to me in this process. The dynamics with a family member with BPD are similar to that with a family member who has substance abuse issues so it can help with that too. There are slogans to help refocus such as "don't let this person live rent free in your mind". You feel what you feel, but none of this changes what your D chooses to do, so why not allow yourself to focus on it less.

I worked with a sponsor who helped me to look at my own resentment over family members who seemed to have ghosted me after my father passed away. It doesn't eliminate the feelings- there can still be sadness, grief, but it's an exercise in learning to refocus.

You deserve to have happiness, and hopefully you will allow yourself to feel more of it over time. It's a work in progress, but worth working on. It doesn't change the loss- but if you have put your happiness in your D's control, it can help you take some of that back.

FD is correct and so, in order to not reinforce the behavior- you need to be able to hold to your plan.

I think waiting until the beginning of the year is a good idea- due to Christmas- as you don't want to be dealing with this behavior over the holidays, and also because it's good to take some time to plan.

The behavior continues if it works for her and it does. BPD mother called it "a scene" and we all knew what that was. Sometimes, she'd say "do this or I will cause a scene". Sometimes the scenes were due to her dysregulating but she seemed to be aware that she did them.

She also strategically destroyed or sequestered property on purpose. If she knew we were attached to something- that would be the target. BPD mother had an NPD streak to her and could be deliberately hurtful on purpose.

It came down to accepting that anything she had access to could be potentially destroyed. Anything important to us had to be kept away from her. Living in the same house- it's impossible to do this with everything, but with things that are essential- they need to be secured.

In addition to a bank account in your name, get yourself a safe deposit box. Put important papers like birth certificates, passport, valuables in the box.

Emotionally prepare for the extinction burst, because you will have to hold firm to your plan no matter what her reaction is. Keep a packed bag with a change of clothes, toothbrush, etc as you may need to go to a hotel in the middle of it- and maybe your kids do too.

As FD said- it is possible that the marriage isn't viable, because holding a boundary like this when there's shared property- marital property- and shared living space may not be possible. With my mother- there was no controlling her or getting her to cooperate. Whatever she had access to, she did what she wanted with it. 

An alternative is to keep doing what you are doing and let the consequences happen. I think my father just resigned himself to her doing what she wanted, and compensated for it by restricting his own spending. There wasn't any other way to coexist with her.

Hi StAnne,

I think that it worth having some strategies in place before the big day.
I think that it may be worth meeting up to gauge how your dd is feeling towards everyone before the big day. I know that if she is civil now doesnt mean that she will still be civil on the day but meeting up with her alone may actually dampen things down beforehand.

Another idea is does dd have a friend(who you are familiar with) come round later in the day for some emotional support?. I know that my udd would often get more and more tense the longer that she was around others so it may be a good deflection for her as  if she is anything like my udd and not a great communicator and doesnt make the effort your dd will probably be feeling left out as her siblings will be with their families and not feel a part of one big happy family. From experience  I know that my udd has always behaved much better at family gatherings if she is engaged with one particular person. Other times that one particular person could not attend and it has turned into absolute chaos.

Also encouraging your udd before hand to get involved in the preparations beforehand may help if she is willing. Maybe she can do some food shopping, help decorate or make something like a dessert. My udd loved to help me make the dessert when she was younger but as she got older she just wanted to be waited on, but its and idea and may work for your dd.

I also think that you should allow your dd space and allow her to sit on the sidelines and not cajole her into being with the family if she doesnt want to. If she comes over and is happy to sit and watch then let her and just appreciate that she is there sitting quietly without any arguments or drama going on.
 

Also another thing to add which I finally worked out that made me realise that I was not always to blame for udd going MIA that she was hiding things like pregnancy, not attending college, dv between her and b/f, facing assault charges against b/f's current girlfriend, criminal activity...all which are related to the feelings of incredible shame I think she felt.

I often thought that she thought that I could see through her or was some kind of super sleuth and that I somehow knew about these events as soon as they occured. Almost as if I was with her at the times these things occured and from the moment it happened  it was like she felt that she needed to stay away. Other times she said that I was just soooo annoying to her that she just couldnt be around me. She hated the way I ate my food (too loudly) The way I breathed (again too loudly) I was Too friendly( ) Too busy, Too happy etc etc.

Often times you just cant win and its seriously not you!

Thank you all so much. I appreciate the support, encouragement and insight. For now I’m not making any decisions. We’ve had minimal contact since the blow up. He did try to start up once but I just said I have a different perspective on the situation. He scoffed but I walked away and that was it. Thankfully I am out of town for work for a couple of days. The break is good. I’m focusing on self care.  I have a counseling appointment for myself on Thursday. I’m not making any decisions at the moment and will see how it goes.

Most of us here were not prepared for an end to our marriages, we were so focused on struggling to deal with the day to day chaos and discord.

However much we wish that somehow your marriage can be made successful, we would be remiss if we didn't advise you to educate yourself on what to do should should your efforts fail.  Not after it fails but before that cataclysm occurs.

There's an excellent handbook, one of many books on our Book Reviews board.  Privately and confidentially get William Eddy's inexpensive Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It doesn't replace having a counselor, peer support or even a local experienced and proactive family law attorney, but it does help a non-BPD to avoid common pitfalls and traps that can trip us up in the legal system.

Hi,

You might have seen from other recent posts that my adult BPD stepdaughter has been through several cycles of estrangement involving her entire family.  Right now she's not talking to anyone.  She hasn't communicated with her mother or her younger sibling for years now.  I think she will text her older sibling sometimes, but only after years of hostility and NC.

For the last year up until recently, my husband had regular contact with his BPD daughter, but communications typically revolved around her asking something from us, such as housing, money, co-signing, technical or logistical support.  Our relationship with her has often felt transactional.  Having said that, when my BPD stepdaughter experiences periods of transition, such as waiting for a new lease/semester/job to start, or taking a summer vacation, she seems relaxed, with very few responsibilities and lots of lounging and down time.  During those "transition" periods, she seems relatively happy and can actually be nice.  But I've noticed that the second she has some responsibilities--classes start, she works a day or two at a part-time job, she has a job interview--she quickly becomes moody and grumpy.  She seems overwhelmed by adult life, even though her schedule isn't demanding by normal standards.  Within a few days of experiencing "real" life and "real" adult demands, she will often pull away.  I wish it were because she's too busy, but it doesn't feel like that's the case.

At the current moment, my BPD stepdaughter is not in contact with her dad or me.  This seems especially hurtful because in recent weeks her dad (i) spent an entire day helping her move into a new apartment, with him doing most of the heavy lifting (including hooking up a trailer), (ii) helped pay for her new lease, and (iii) took on the task of selling her car, including fixing it up first to maximize the sale price, and giving her all the proceeds.  I played a supporting role but still pitched in, for example by providing transportation when the car was fixed and sold.  Did she thank him or me for all this help?  Of course not.  Could she have achieved all this on her own?  Probably not.  And now our reward seems to be, total silence.  It's hard not to feel utterly used.  It's also sad to see how she over-uses ghosting as a coping tactic, resulting in alienating her from family and former friends.  I understand that she wants space sometimes, and that she feels overwhelmed a lot, and that she probably doesn't like to reveal information about her status, out of shame or the fear of harsh judgment.  But her reactions seem both disproportionate and rude to me.  Her absence and silence seems like they're meant to be punishment.  Alas, she seems simultaneously entitled, demanding, petulant AND ungrateful, which is not very attractive.  I can't help but wonder if that's why she completely fell apart when she started college, because she had learned it's OK to treat people this way (since her family tolerated it for so long), and then she was suprised and devastated when roommates/friends/romantic interests wouldn't tolerate her petulance?  By the same token, it's sometimes a relief to be temporarily free of her drama and negative aura.  On the other hand, we can't help but be worried, because her thinking seems semi-delusional, and we imagine that she's avoiding us because she's not faring well.  Such conflicting feelings!  I try to tell myself, no news is good news, and she needs space to figure out how to go her own way.  Maybe, if she's not in contact for a few months, she will have proven to herself and the world that she can be more independent.  Her silence means she's asserting her independence, which is a good thing, right?  I truly hope so.  We'll see.  But I'm not getting my hopes up for the holidays.  My guess is that she'll stay away.  That means less drama, but I know it's hurting my husband terribly.

That's my take on the underpinnings, pros and cons of no contact, the parents' perspective.