I haven't been in a situation like the one you describe,  but I think I can empathize.  All parents want to help their kids, as well as have a loving relationship with them.  The idea of cutting off contact seems antithetical to that. 

The reality is that your daughter is a full-grown adult, and that she is dealing with real mental illness.  Even so, just because she has BPD does not give her a free pass to treat you like dirt, let alone threaten violence.  You may have allowed her to get her way, exploit you and treat you badly in the name of reducing stress for your daughter and keeping her alive.  I have been in that situation--feeling like I'm allowing behavior that goes against my values, just to keep someone safe and alive, and sometimes just to keep the peace.  I know what it feels like to live in crisis mode all the time, and wincing whenever the phone rings at an odd hour.  However, though enablement might help stabilize a crisis in the short term, it's not a long-term solution.  It would be one thing if your daughter were getting treatment, making some progress in the right direction, and experiencing some slip-ups on her journey.  But it's another thing entirely if she's threatening you, acting out, refusing to work on herself, and refusing to take responsibility for her own life, while making other members of her family miserable.

Look, with BPD it's very common to have a victim mentality.  I think that's the worst aspect of BPD, because it renders her powerless over her own life.  She blames everyone else for all her problems, and she's constantly disappointed and aggrieved because of unmet expectations.  She's learned helplessness!  Even so, because you are operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you support her.  You give her housing, some spending money, and a fresh start, over and over again.  But by doing that, you are enabling the status quo.  Even if she's miserable, the status quo is working well enough for her.  She's learned that if she begs, pesters and threatens you enough, you'll eventually give in and give her what she wants.  But in the meantime, she's making YOU and the entire family miserable, too.  Look, a "fresh start" in a distant location doesn't change anything, because your daughter remains exactly the same.  If anything, it makes things worse, because she's farther away from the only support system she has--namely YOU.  I know your daughter probably dreams she'll be happier elsewhere, far away (the pwBPD in my life says the exact same thing).  The thing is, the problem isn't location.  The problem is your daughter, but she's also the solution.

The sad part is that your daughter will probably have to hit bottom before she decides to get some help.  SHE has to be the one to decide to get help.  She has to be the one to understand that her life is worth fighting for, and to work hard to turn her life around.  The good news is that BPD is treatable with therapy (and with medications if there are co-existing conditions like anxiety or depression).  The tough part is that she has to do some work for therapy to work, because therapy IS work.

I guess that my general advice would be to try to keep the lines of communication open, provided that you're in a good space emotionally.  If she sends a mean or threatening text, you delete it like spam, because it is spam.  I'd say, only engage with her when she is being civil.  That way she's learning that she only gets your attention when she's treating you right.  Clearly she hasn't learned that lesson yet; what she learns is that she gets attention (and money, housing or logistical support) when she's acting out.  If she's insulting you, I bet she's projecting her own self-hatred onto you, and you have to learn not to take it personally--it's BPD, not her real intent.  Having said that, if you find your daughter's texts are too distressing and are putting you on edge constantly, I'd say it's OK to take a break, to preserve your own sanity.  You could block her for a time and then re-assess in a few days.  Or maybe you decide only to look at messages from her at a prescribed time, say for 10 minutes before dinner.  That way, you feel you have more control and "ration" your exposure to your daughter's emotional content in digestible bites.  But the same rule applies:  you reply and engage only when she's texting in a civil manner.

Look, I have a pwBPD in my life who hit bottom.  She attempted suicide multiple times, each attempt more serious than the last one.  She was a mess, alienated her entire family, lost all her friends and wasn't functional in day-to-day life.  She would start altercations but then accuse others of assaulting her.  She had delusional episodes and was extremely paranoid.  She'd project ill intent onto others where none was intended.  She hated everyone and everything, especially herself.  She would bounce from living situation to living situation, trying to flee from her problems, constantly in a state of avoidance and "transition," but in transitioning much of the time, finding that she's not really living her life, and that her problems remain the same wherever she goes.

After a serial suicide attempt, she finally heard ultimatums from doctors and her family.  The doctors told her that she needed to complete the recommend intensive therapy program and treatment regime, because she had exhausted all other options already.  She could choose not to complete the recommended program, but if she ever returned to the hospital, then the only recourse was to commit her involuntarily.  She also heard an ultimatum from her family:  her father would support her 100%, provided that she did exactly what the doctors recommended.  She was free to go her own way and decline the help, but then she wouldn't get financial support from her parents.  It was her choice to decide what to do, and her family would respect whatever decision she made.  Fortunately for her, the decision was easy.  I'm happy to say that she took her therapy seriously, and though it wasn't easy and there have been setbacks, she turned her life around, and fairly quickly, too.  I think she eventually warmed to the notion of getting help from professionals, because that validated her narrative that she felt traumatized/victimized and needed some help to learn to cope with that.  On the other hand, I think that for her parents, it was a relief to focus mainly on following doctors' orders, because it alleviated pressure to come up with ways to "fix" her life, since everything we tried previously just didn't seem to work, and also felt intrusive.  For a time, the primary focus was therapy--everything else (healthy habits, housing, travel, school, work, relationships) would wait.  In other words, baby steps.  One change at a time.  The first steps were probably hardest, but once she got some momentum going, then other changes came pretty quickly.

I guess I'll wrap up by saying this isn't your fault.  I know it's so HARD dealing with BPD in the family.  It's heartbreaking, unpredictable and exhausting.  You deserve to be happy.  I think you don't have to give up on your daughter, but you can give up on the idea that you need to fix her.  Only she can do that.  She's going to do what she's going to do, but you don't have to spend your hard-earned money and all your emotional energy to enable her to do that.

I recall a time not long before our eventual blowout when my spouse briefly went to another city for some certification, life was calm and I and my preschooler relaxed.  It was so peaceful.

Then I called the police one weekend when my spouse was on a rampage...

My point is that with you bringing up your child's all-consuming parent to appease your spouse, you're reinforcing a problematic issue in your lives.  You don't have to mention her mother so much.  Just be a parent, comfort your child, soothe whatever awoke her and then just take her back to her bed and let her fall asleep.

In the final months of our marriage my ex stopped sleeping in our bed and started co-sleeping in our son's bed and locking the door too.  It was yet another sign things were getting intolerable.

Hi Thankful,

From your post I can see you are a loving, deeply caring and considerate person.  I know you want what's best for your family, and you are struggling to minimize outbursts from your loved one with BPD.  I think everyone here who lives with someone with BPD (or BPD traits) struggles with "walking on eggshells," trying to prevent or minimize outbursts.  Oftentimes we need to "pick our battles," which sometimes means doing things that are expedient rather than ideal.  It must be extremely hard for you to juggle and balance the needs of young children, while at the same time catering to the needs of your spouse.

I think you have a good read on what seems to be happening with your oldest.  You yourself said she's being parentified.  That would mean that she's expected to take on things which are well beyond her maturity level.  Parentification could mean that she's doing household tasks, such as helping younger siblings dress or eat, cleaning the home or folding laundry.  Now there's nothing wrong with being assigned chores--I'm a big believer in chores building competency, responsibility and togetherness--but they should be age-appropriate and not be so physically or emotionally burdensome that the child doesn't have time to play or feel free to be a normal, care-free kid.  By the same token, parentification can be the emotional kind, too.  That's when adults unload their emotional baggage onto their kids and expect them to listen to it, empathize, and oftentimes feel responsible!  I think topics like marital stress, fighting, financial stress, paying bills, mom's worries about school, etc. should not be something a six-year-old has to listen to, let alone worry about.  Worse, having to worry about how Mum might react to completely mundane things such as seeing a picture or who comforts her or tucks her in at night should not be a child's concern in my opinion.  I'm not saying that kids shouldn't learn to take other people's feelings into consideration--they need strong rules and firm boundaries, such as "We don't hit or bite people in this family, it's not nice."  But the rules need to be reasonable and age-appropriate.  What it sounds like you're trying to do is expect your dear daughter to walk on eggshells full-time and never be allowed to do anything without obtaining the express prior approval of her Mum first, lest her Mum have a hissy fit over every miniscule detail of her life.  I see this as parentification because the six-year-old is expected to be more mature than her own mother, and the six-year-old feels responsible for her mother's emotional well-being!  That is backwards in my humble opinion.

To date, maybe your approach has been to do everything in your power to reduce stress for your wife, in the hopes that she avoids a meltdown.  It sounds like you've been doing an awful lot, from handling your wife's business to doing more than your fair share of childcare.  Maybe bending over backwards has bought you some temporary peace in the household, which is good for the kids.  But if I were in your shoes, I think I would focus on trying to change the environment and your wife's routine, rather than expect your children to change their behavior to accommodate your wife.

The way I see things, handling the household might feel a little easier if you think in terms of stress management.  I've observed that pwBPD do not handle stress very well.  They need a lot of logistical support, reassurance and downtime.  I think that's why many people with untreated BPD have difficulties holding down a job.  Now I know there are other variables with BPD, such as emotional dysregulation, unrealistic expectations, feelings of emptiness, unstable self-image, etc., and you can't be expected to deal with those issues yourself.  But I think what you might try is to create a realistic and stable household routine, together with your spouse, that is designed to reduce stress for everyone.  In my humble opinion, having a strong routine increases predictability, and that alone reduces stress!  You might say, Look, I'm feeling stressed out, and I think you are too.  I feel like we have so much going on that we're tired and fighting a lot, we're arguing over wake times and night routines.  I think we need to re-assess and maybe cut back on non-essential obligations right now . . . and then we'll have more time to be happy together as a family.

Again, from what you've written, it sounds to me like pursuing a degree is just too much for your spouse right now.  My suggestion would be to take BABY STEPS towards getting a degree.  Maybe next semester she could try just one course.  That way, she probably wouldn't struggle as much academically.  She would be able to stay awake whenever the kids are awake, and she'd be prepared to get up at night to attend to a fussy child, if she thinks it's critical that she (and not you) take on that responsibility.  Once she demonstrates that she can handle one course, as well as her primary obligations to her family, she might be ready to add another course.  But it seems unfair to the family that because she's studying at school, she's too tired to wake up on time in the morning, she expects her spouse to do more than her fair share around the house, and she expects her children to wait for her and defer to her on everything, even when she's in bed.  That isn't balanced in my opinion.  Rather, that sounds to me like she's another kid in the family.  In a way, her behavior is childish.  I guess that's why I'm saying you need to take back some control and enforce a healthy household routine, for everyone's sake.  If your wife is peeved she's not consulted enough regarding the children, then she ought to be participating fully in the getting-up, dinnertime and bedtime routines.  If she's not participating fully, then she needs to delegate it to you (if you choose that) and not beat you up about it.

Has anyone voluntarily separated from their adult borderline child?

My 38-year-old adult daughter has BPD. She has threatened the lives of several family members, including my young grandchildren. Now she says that the threat was "reactive." My other daughter (the children's mother), my ex-husband, and my current husband all want me to end contact with her completely.

She was homeless, and I caved, and I accepted contact with her after months of repeated begging from her. I said I would help her out for one more period, paying for housing in a faraway state for six months. I did this to help give her a new start and to keep her far from us.

I have the threats in both voice and in text. We have received threats to us and threats of suicide, and some physical violence consistently over the last 24 years.

She always has an excuse, and it is always my fault that she has been victimized and she is always “reacting.” She has hit several family members as well as her former landlord. She does not have a job, nor can she keep a job. She is on SSI.

She thinks she is “autistic” and refuses to get mental health help. She just wants to live at my house, which will never be a possibility.
 
My husband says I am a detriment to her by continuing to be in touch because she refuses to get the help she needs.

My mental health is suffering greatly. She texts me more than 100 times a day, with blame, questions, pleas.

Both being in touch and the thought of breaking off all contact are heartbreaking to me
Has anyone else been in this place?

Many thanks.

P.S.

As for why your daughter-in-law has isolated your stepson from his family, the simple reason is that there is no logical reason for doing this.  With BPD, usually the rationale is emotional and convoluted.  She might have decided you are "toxic," because you dared to try to give her son a gift that would upstage her.  She might be jealous of the once close relationship her husband had with his dad.  She might resent any of her husband's attention being spent on anyone else except her; she wants him all for herself.  She might be overwhelmed with motherhood and be jealous of attention her own baby is "stealing" from her.  She might just feel tired all the time, and when she's cranky, she takes it out on her husband.  She might be feeling out of control, and she thinks a way to reclaim control is to control her husband 100% of the time.  Deep down she's extremely insecure and needy; she feels aggrieved, threatened and criticized all the time.

Whatever the reason, it won't make much sense from a purely logical perspective.  With BPD, things tend to be black or white, all bad or all good, all or nothing, all take and no give--in short, there's no compromise.  If you try to reason with her, she just sees that as disrespecting her.  If you provide your perspective, that's rude.  If you talk about your needs (I haven't seen my grandson for over a year . . . ), you're ignoring HER needs. 

Hi there,

I know this must be really hard for you and your husband, who want more than anything to resume contact.  I think you have a pretty good read on the situation, that your daughter-in-law's BPD behavior is isolating your stepson from his entire family.  My opinion is that you can believe your stepson when he tells you he's sorry for cutting you out, that he loves you and would like to resume contact.  I actually think it's a good sign that your son felt confident enough to reach out again.  But my strong suspicion is that his wife found out about his latest outreach and punished him dearly.  I bet he thought that standing you up was preferable to further punishment and retribution from his wife.  It wouldn't be surprising to me if her BPD behaviors have escalated so much that your stepson believes that placating her (and doing whatever she says) is the only way he can survive right now.  She might have taken over his phone or computer, too.  She could be insisting on monitoring all his correspondence, and she could threaten all sorts of things if your son doesn't obey her.

I'm truly sorry for the pain this has caused you.  My guess is that your son is choosing to prioritize keeping his family together, even if it means he's hurting you to do it.  Just knowing that he's hurting you (and not fulfilling his commitments) probably makes him feel even worse.  I guess if I were in your shoes, I might respond with a text such as, "I'm sorry we weren't able to meet, but we understand you're busy with your young family right now.  We're always here if you need us."  In other words, I'd avoid emotional content, as well as anything that implies criticism, neediness or obligation, so as not to make your son feel any worse than he already does.  Trust me, living with someone with untreated BPD makes him feel guilty enough already.

BPD family

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221634.0#:~:text=It's%20not%20based%20on%20our,more%20of%20a%20physical%20escape.

Pw: Serenity25!

My partner of 12 years with UNTREATED BPD, alcoholic and chemical addict, sex addict, spending addict has abandoned me 2 months ago.

I’m s truggling emotionally deeply. I go to therapy, practice yoga, run my business, take care of my daughter, trying to rebuilt friendships I abandoned. I cry and overthink events that led to abandonment.

We have been together for 12 years
He has been in AA and treatment for anxiety and depression and was able to be sober (no alcohol)  for 5 years (2017-2021) and he started smoking marijuana for pain management in 2021 which turns into full blown marijuana addiction quickly. He denied it being an addition.
 
I have experienced a 12 year long love bombing. We both avoided dealing and with his issues altogether, only occasionally touching on them.  He decided that he is free from it all and stopped going to therapy during the time when he was doing well professionally. He stopped going to AA meeting and decided they were a scam and a cults.

During his sober years his sex addiction slowed down but  and spending addiction spiked. He started back on marijuana after receiving steroid treatment for neck pain and later  planne spinal surgery to address his pain in the neck and arms, and later after 2 knew surgeries resulted from motorcycle accidents.

He had 1 hospitalization for mental breakdown in 2017 and I believe we avoided talking about it. He asked me to ale him to psychiatric emergency in 2019 but was not admitted.

I grew up with bipolar mother and I thought of mental illness as any other one - personal business of the person suffering and saw my role as loving and supporting partner, just like my father was to my mother. It was not discussed in our family or with me. I left my parent home at 19 and we became estranged.

I developed codependency in relationship my partner. I didn’t  have fears of abandonment and had absolute trust in  security of our relationship.

He worshiped me, I was the woman of his dreams love of his life. He had hard time when my emotions would  turn dark - when I cried from work stress, realization that our finches are out of control, just k talked about difficulties life. He experiences it as a personal attack and would withdraw. Sometimes he would listen but would grow very tired very quickly. We talked about his drama with work, friends, search for personal and identity, search for professional identity  most of the time.

 Two times we discussed finances it became uncomfortable and we had to stop - his reaction to normal question were extremely emotional, he felt under attack.
I slowly stopped asking questions and just let him be.

I didn’t realize he was a sex addict. I was excited to be with someone who has high libido after my first loveless marriage.

But eventually it became a source of contact frustration for him. Never satisfied with quantity of sex, masturbating till his penis was deformed, getting colon infection he almost died from which I attribute to his use of toys for anal self stimulation. The doctor at the emergency room who treated him for colon infection specifically asked me if there was a possibility he engages in homosexual activity. I said no and then I found sizable plastic dildos, not small normal butt plugs under his side of the bed.

He had massive porn addiction. He would angry when my daughter was home after I left for work because he couldn’t have time alone to himself to masturbate. He would have tantrums if he couldn’t climax. He started taking viagra as a daily supplement to make sure he is always ready even thought he didn’t have erection problems.

I swept it all under a rug. I avoided looking the problem in the eye. I understand I became confused about the difference between having an open mind, being sexually very active, being able to deal with ambiguity and not having boundaries. I played along - I loved being adored, being wanted. I loved the excitment. There wa lots of fun beautiful sides to our life - I felt that it had a happy life with some issues, like who doesn’t have them.

The end started in spring of this year
He was laid off from his job in April.
We opened a small restaurant together in May - we have been working on it together for a while after his and mine main jobs.

We opened the restaurant within a month.
He was the only employee as planned for the first 4-5 months with very limited hours.

Things immediately started deteriorating. He use excessive use of marijuana  because a problem at work. He became impulsive at a work. Could not be consistent and it affected us immediately in business. This time I was more demanding in terms of professional boundaries - asking to stop smoking at work, showing up on schedule, having production list (all standard), start working on training manual or let me do it and review together.

He resisted everything. He complained  that I turned into a boss, not his wife. Demanded separation of these functions. Complained that he gets no respect, not treated with dignity. I turned to a male friend for moral support - he is in recovery for 20 years and familier with AA. My partner was furious jealous, suspected that I was cheating, demanded I stoped talking to my friend.

I started stepping back knowing that things are off. Asked him to go to AA, asked him to call the therapist he fired years ago. He first agree to cut down of marijuana but within days started drinking. Relapsed After 7 years of sobriety (no alcohol, but weed only). Immediate got sick from drinking. And after 2 weeks he fled. I saw it on restaurant cameras - he finished his shift and walked out with a suitcase and a guitar.

I received an email after two days where he told me he decided to end the relationship and a list of admin issues (coned, Verizon, etc.) I begged and begged and sent me a second email telling me that though he loves me the chaos of the relationship made it clear we can’t fix it together. And that he will not discuss possibility of the future until establish extended period or recovery.
Both emails were written by Gemini (google AI). He blocked me after that and has not communicated.

He did unblock- I sent a few texts regarding him getting his possessions. He read them, picked up his possession while I wasn’t there. Silent treatment.

I have found out within days after he left that he moved in with another woman. I saw he credit card statement and he is on a massive spending sprees A Reataurants, shopping.

I’m exhibiting all classic signs of a person who developed codependency and now going through withdrawal from abandonment. I’m crying daily and obsessively thinking about him.

I’m only now starting to learn about what happened to me. How I was able to tolerate it all without raising questions. And how to now deal with new reality and recover and find happiness and trust again.

I’m learning to use serenity prayer to stop the compulsive obsessive thinking. I know there is a road ahead. I don’t have hope yet that my broken self can rebuild.
I’m 47. I have a good health. I’m fit , and overall always thought of myself as a functional, stable person. But now I’m questioning it all.

It has been awhile since I last posted.  But after a little more than a year of not hearing anything and being totally cut off, my husband finally received a message from his son stating that he was sorry he hadn't reached out, that he missed and loved him and did my husband want to meet to talk. 

Quick summary - my step son and his wife (who has BPD), cut my husband and myself off due to a disagreement over a birthday gift for our then 1 year old grandson.  A toy car that my step son's wife decided the day before the birthday party and after knowing in advance that my husband was going to get it for their son, that toy car was not age appropriate and didn't want us to bring it to the party.  She had my step son deliver that news to my husband via text ending with that we had to respect his wife's decision.  My husband attempted to reason with him, to no avail.  My husband, who is not a fan of conflict - tends to back away from it and just accept things for the way they are - was not just disappointed in the delivery, but also hurt that his son delivered it the way he did, and was a bit angry as well considering they both knew in advance that he was getting this toy car for his only grandson and was looking forward to presenting it to him.  We went out and got a new gift for him of course.  Went to the party and was met with coldness from both my step son and his wife as well as my step son's mother.  That kind of threw us off - like, huh?  My husband spoke to my step son's mother and her husband and just let them know of what happened and he did express his disappointment/hurt/confusion.  Following the party, my step son ghosted my husband for weeks - this is not like him, he spoke to my husband if not every day at least 4-5 times a week.  My husband reached out to ask what was going on, and to please let him know so that if there was an issue they could work it out.  My step son responded aggressively  (which is not like him at all) accusing him of talking behind his back and saying some very hurtful things - things that he knew would cut/break my husband's heart, to which my husband may not have responded in the best way (he was taken aback by the attack and just reacted).  He later apologized for his reaction and asked to get together to talk this out - with no response.  Complete cut off.  My husband continued to reach out here and there to tell him that he loved him and missed him and was here for him.  No response.  Last Christmas we both reached out to extend an olive branch because of the holidays, and we missed our grandson.  My step son's wife responded - no, shutting it down.

Fast forward to this past September, per above, out of the blue my husband received a message from his son. Of course my husband responded that yes he'd love to meet with him to talk and that he loved and missed him too.  They decided on meeting a few days later.  On the day that they were to meet, my husband reached out to confirm the time and place.  No answer.  He kept checking the messages - no response.  My poor husband - the look on his face, just complete sadness. My heart hurts just remembering that day.  He was so looking forward to a reconciliation.  Not speaking or seeing his son, with whom he had such a close relationship before, has been very difficult for him.  We think that he may have reached out because his wife and him may have had a fight and he felt safe enough to finally reach out to his father.  But something must have happened for him to then not respond to his dad again.

Also, a caveat to this - my husband lost his youngest son just two years prior to a drug overdose.  So the loss of his oldest son of his own accord, has been devasting to my husband. Thankfully his oldest daughter stays close to him and is pretty protective of him right now due to this.  His youngest daughter - well, she's 19 and she's in her own world doing her own thing.  His son has also cut off the oldest daughter as well - without any provocation - just out of the blue cut off any/all communication, blocked us all on social media, etc.  It's just been flabbergasting. Especially because this isn't the step son that I know at all. 

His wife has completely isolated him from our side of the family.  And we have no idea why.  My husband has even reached out to my step son's mother to ask her if he is ok and if she has any insight - her responses to him were very short and clipped.  That isn't like her either - I know her to be a very kind and caring person and we used to all got along well. My husband came away from that conversation, asking what the hell is going on?

We are going into our second Christmas season without any contact with my step son and our grandson.  We missed our grandson's 2nd birthday - we have been completely cut off from him which is beyond sad.  We don't know what he looks like now.  We missed seeing him walking and talking, etc...

I know we aren't the only ones going through this - and we are going on and living our lives but there is a deep sense of loss every day.  And no sense as to when or if there will ever reconciliation.  I fear that the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to come back from it.  I fear that if anything were to happen to my husband (god forbid!), my step son would never forgive himself (if he is anything like the step son I knew before all of this happened). 

One common theme among people affected by BPD relatives, is that once you learn about these things you cannot stop seeing dysfunctional relationships in places where you once did not realise there were issues, even if perhaps BPD is not part of the situation. Two recent events made me realise this clearly in my wife's family, and I will talk about it in a while, but first a bit of an intro on her family.

When I met my wife, I thought (as usual) that hers was a little loving family. I later learnt this was not exactly the case, but initially thought this was only because of her father. He is what I would call a highly successful and smart person witht the emotional stability and independence of a 5 year old. I actually have a very good relationship with him, but I now understand, after knowing him for a while and hearing my wife's stories, that he is controlling, has OCD, has sudden rage outbursts (that can last a couple of days) where he becomes extremely abusive, and he relies on his wife for pretty much everything. My wife had to witness as a child things she should have never been put through, and for this she has now realised she is a bit resentful towards her parents, as they never did much about it, and never explained her anything, apart from saying that her dad sometimes had problems "because of his mother".
The sister is also a very successful person, very nice and you can easily go along well with her. But more recently has started having problematic behaviours towards my wife. Around the time we were having our first child, she started complaining that we were not going to have our child close to them, that we should have delivered the baby in their city to share the thing with them etc etc. She also complains every time my wife does not write to her for 2 or 3 days, or does not call her once a fortnight etc etc. When we found out our youngest child was autistic, my wife said it to her when she felt it was the right time, around 4 or 5 months after being certaina bout it. She received subtle accusations that she should have said it before, and that we should have asked for her help because she could have done this and that. My wife used to get easily sent into guilt trips, I had to do a lot of work making her realise that we are adult independent people that make our own choices, and that if she loves us and wants to hear us more often, she just has to call us/visit us and stop complaining about what we should do according to her. If she wants to help us, she should just say "I can help this and that way if you want" and stop at it.
Finally, the mom I did not even think could have any big issue, although arguably she was a bit of an enabler with the dad, and was also quite controlling with her daughters, for example sending a text every morning and calling them if they did not reply by, say, 11.

Now, I don't know, as a non-professional, the diagnosis for her father, and possibly rest of the family, but last month something happened that made me realise how this mental health things all resembles each other in "drama". Two things happened: my wife's GM was hospitalised, and my mom got a cancer diagnosis. Both things turned out not to be too bad, GM was discharged after a couple of weeks and my mom's cancer is very much curable and with a good prognosis. But of course, initially these were very difficult news to deal with. And the reaction from my BPD brother and my wife's family was very similar.

My brother started texting that I was an awful person (blaming) because our mom was supposed to come and visit us the day after she got the diagnosis, and that I should have consulted him first before inviting her over (controlling behaviour), because that's how family should work (note he hadn't taxted me for months after not getting what he wanted from our father's will, and he had me blocked pretty much everywhere but on the email).  Of course, this made no sense at all, our mom is an adult that decided to come and visit us, and that decided to cancel after getting the diagnosis.

My MIL opened instead a family group, starting it by saying "I hope I have taught you that in these times of emergency the whole family has to come together and decide what is best to do, not independently" which was a dig at the fact that we are dealing privately with our son's situation. The whole group was then a summary of all the things that were wrong in those relations, with the dad blaming the mom for the reason that led to the hospitalisation, the sister continuously saying things like "mom this is not your decision on how to cure GM, but our decision altogether" (which to me makes no sense, one person is responsible and can ask for help.. If they don't feel like they can take the responsibility they can leave it to someone else... But not charging somebody with a repsonsibility they never subscribed to... ). It all felt like a group to send my wife into a guilt trip and make her do the things they thought she should have done (controlling behaviour). The actual practical aspects of the group were obscure, because the GM was in the doctors hands and the mom was writing the texts separately anyway to give news, outside fo the group.

In all of this, my wife and I had once again to deal with a difficult situation emotionally without being helped by our families (what family really should be in their best acception) but rather being blamed and accused of just being adults living their own messy and difficult life. Thank god we have each other and have learnt to better deal with these things thanks to this group and books (me) and a therapist (her). We have also learnt that no matter what the actual diagnosis is, there are things in common between these mental health issues and that the way to address them is the same, more or less. But most importantly of all, we have learnt that, yes, my brother and MIL had difficult moments, and we all can be stressed in difficult moments, but this is no justification for abusive behaviour. We also had the same difficult moments, and we have a right to face it without additional struggles.

Just thought also, knowing what children are like with their night habits… this may not have been a one off! So if she does the exact same thing tonight… do I do the exact same thing and still not go out of my way to tell my wife?