Hi SuperDaddy,

Ah, now I understand what you meant.
Yes, I've already tried that, feeding the AI the exact wording of our chats afterwards and let it analyize.

I even tried both variants: telling it the history of the relationship and my partner's diagnoses, and without any prior information.

It was always clear that he was the one who provoked the conflict. The AI always portrayed me as ‘empathetic’.
Except for the time shortly after my partner received the diagnosis of bpd/npd and absolutely refused to accept it. Although I knew it wasn't a good idea to harp on about it, I kept reminding him. That really wasn't a good idea, and Chat GPT kept pointing that out to me.

Do you know what I find difficult? My partner often accused me of being ‘negative’ and emphasised that he only needed someone who was always positive.

I am not always positive, and my body lets me know immediately when I am pretending to be positive even though I don't feel that way.

And I don't want to play role-playing games for my partner.

When I feel that it's completely absurd for him to talk about a great career, a big house, lots of travel and a baby, for example, even though he can't even manage his everyday life without a job and needs alcohol to self-medicate for every little thing, then I can't say euphorically: „Oh yes, darling! That sounds like a great plan!" because I can physically feel that I am betraying myself with this statement.
So I say: ‘I can see that you want big changes. But I can also see that small steps are all that is possible right now.’ That's enough to cause another clash.

In the early days of our relationship, I always agreed with him, no matter how absurd his statements and grandios fantasies were, because I knew that any kind of ‘different opinion’ would lead to conflict. But at some point, that was no longer possible because I physically felt that I was betraying myself if I always just swallowed my feelings about his behaviour.

So how can I get to the point where I'm not being ‘negative’ but also not betraying myself?

How do you handle that in your relationship?

P.S. I tested the AI to see if it would just agree with me that I can't do anything.

Yes, that's a hard situation. Do you live in a rented place? I do, and this is an advantage. With that I could convince my wife to leave. She agreed because I was about to leave and end the renting contract, so she would have to leave anyway. But she has her mom's house and a few other close parents.

I was here thinking, what would I do if she didn't have any place to go and I wanted to part ways? I'd probably rent the cheapest possible place for her, and from there I'd let her figure it out. And I mean real cheap, such as just a bed in a shared girls' hostel room or a small place in the slums.

It's hard to understand how your W would really not have anyone to count on. I mean, in a live-or-death situation, I'm imagining some parent would help her out, or an old friend?

Anyway, in your particular case, if your place is rented, then you can just leave and end the contract, leaving her to move into the RV with her other woman. Remember, she is an adult.

Sorry if this sounds too harsh, but it's important to know your options.

Frankly, I didn't think, "This is my exit strategy."  While I didn't blunder into it, I'd describe it was all the other options were taken away from me.

Yes, I did record myself so I could try to make a defense, "I recorded to document I wasn't the one making aggressive threats.  If the other was recorded behaving aggressively, that's not my fault."  Strangely, the system didn't care much about that.  My conclusion was that we were seen as bickering and the court assumed that it would decrease after the divorce.  Well, it didn't.  But at least I was able to unwind the marriage and financial connections, leaving only the parenting to continue.

Foreverdad - 

I get the feeling one of these days I will be asking you for exit strategies.  If I had an easy exit strategy, I would have taken it by now.  I’m well aware that W’s dysfunction is at the core of everything, and the best I can hope for is to manage what I can.

A not so small part of me hoped W would cheat with someone who actually has a place she could stay at.  Right now she is 100% dependent on me, incapable of holding a job or managing basic life tasks such as eating.  I’ve thought about just renting another place somewhere and agreeing to pay the rent for a period of time.  Really hard to make a change without her having some other place to go.  She has no friends or family to stay with. 

OK, here is my read:  Your husband probably doesn't want you to work because (#1) he wants you available to serve him and shower him with attention.  When you work, he might feel you are "abandoning" him.  But even when you are at home, he'll probably ignore you most of the time . . . he just wants you to be available, on call.  Does that sound about right?  I think that's  reflects the the "abandonment" fears of BPD, because deep down he's really insecure.  He feels like he's competing with your job for your attention.

But here's my other guess: (#2) he doesn't like the fact that you're earning money, because you are upstaging him.  He probably thinks the man should be the provider, and so your employment might feel emasculating to him.  Again, this hits the emotional insecurity side of BPD.

A related issue (#3) is when you work and earn money, you are basically "reminding" your husband that he's probably not working hard enough himself.  In a bizarre way, when you work, you're making him feel bad, just by comparison.  He feels bad enough as it is, and you are "rubbing it in" when you work.

Additionally, (#4) he wants your money, and for you to pay the bills, but he doesn't want to be reminded of everything you pay for, because it makes him feel inferior.  Besides, anything you pay for doesn't "count" in his household accounting.  I bet he thinks he pays for most "everything," because he's basically in denial about what you pay for, and he really only values what he pays for.  The only cash outflow he appreciates is what comes out of his own pocket.  Let me guess, does he go on an on about paying a small bill, while ignoring/"discounting" all the other bills you covered in the last month/year?  Does that sound about right?

Finally (#5) he's uber controlling, probably because he feels a lack of control over his own life.  He wants to tell you not to work, not to hire a babysitter, and he wants to come and go as he pleases--but not reciprocate.  He wants to decide and barely gives you input.  Let me guess, he has all sorts of rules for you which don't apply for him.  He can do anything he wants, but he expects you to do everything he wants too.  Does that sound about right? 

All this creates a huge cognitive dissonance--him wanting to have more money, but not acknowledge where it's coming from, and refusing to pay bills in the hopes that they'll just disappear (because you pay for them yourself), all in a vain attempt to maintain a delusion that he's in control and doing all the work.  Meanwhile you're exhausted trying to juggle finances, hours and kids' schedules, plus your partner's unpredictable emotional outbursts and unreliability.  Maybe he'll be reasonable/responsible sometimes, but more often than not, you feel used and abused.  Yes?

If the foregoing sounds about right, I'm not sure what the solution really is.  On the one hand, I think you might just accept that his thinking patterns are highly emotional and governed by insecurities.  I don't know how to make someone feel more secure except to use constant praise and to try to manage his "energy."  This might be off-base, but it sounds to me like your husband really needs a job where he's actually going to a workplace and interacting with other people in person, which would take some of the focus off you and what you're doing, as well as bolster his confidence and identity.  If he can "work from home" while watching kids or changing up locations, my guess is that he's not working very hard (I could be wrong, that's just my read based on the short post you wrote).  Based on my experience with BPD, where volatile emotions get in the way of maintaining focus, reading social cues and staying on task, it seems to me that working from home would be a set-up that is simply too challenging.  My guess is that a "regular" job with stable hours, a predictable location and a lack of distractions would actually decrease stress.

Just my two cents.

There is no way to completely protect yourself and especially #1 priority the kids.  That is why so many, after trying so many options and strategies, finally conclude that it is the dysfunctional relationship at the core of everything.  You can't fix the other.  You can't consistently reason with the other's inconsistent moods, feeling and perceptions.

I really tried but failed to hold the marriage together.  That's why I accepted that divorce was the only alternative left for me.  (Even before we separated, when our child was a preschooler, my spouse was threatening to zero my parenting by disappearing with our toddler.)  Not only was I being disparaged and disrespected, I was no longer seen as having any authority.  So I turned to family court which, strangely enough is The Authority in today's society.  It's not optimal and is often far too passive in the face of obvious obstruction and sabotage, but it does limit the damage in many ways.

I was able to establish my own home, a calm and stable one versus the endless conflict and discord of a joint home environment, where my child could experience the contrast between my home and the ex's home, the contrast of my norms versus her, the contrast of normalcy versus whatever happened at the ex's home.  Yes, mine wasn't a perfect example, but it was far better than before.  And it set a limit to the chaos and mayhem.  All for our child to learn from and guide his future decisions.

sorry hit send early meant to say NotWendy, PeteWitsend, and SuperDaddy

very good advice and observations in this thread from Wendy and Pete.

Adding my own experience with my uBPDw. When I heard her suggest "open relationship" for the first time I was in shock, and left wondering what went so wrong in our two decade plus marriage. The reason she gave for this suggestion was that she did not feel fulfilled and wanted freedom to explore. Little did I know that she had already crossed the monogamy boundary and was secretly having an affair when she said this.

So the "suggestion" was not really an "ask", rather it was her way of "hinting" to me that she is already acting in a manner of treating our relationship as open.

It took me several months to put this in context, as the affair was hidden for a long time. Anything important in our relationship has always been conveyed in "hints" never in direct talk.

Pete -

Yes, that is a very big point of caution.  I guess she has an RV as her “home, but the RV is broken and has no a/c. I don’t understand why a person with a regular well paying job would choose to not rent an apartment.  Where does her money go? W didn’t pry, but did mention something about her being married to a woman and getting divorced, and that divorce is expensive.  Again, a red flag here.  The striking thing is that if I had those qualities it would be a turn off for my W.  Considering the number of times she has shamed me for being a slob (I’m no worse than the average person, and definitely no worse than W), the number of times she complained about the size of our house, the number of times she complained about me not making enough money, I find this a little suspect.

Honestly, my gut is telling me no matter what the progression is here, it will end very badly and my goal is to protect me and the kids from damaging drama.

The reality is that - unless she gets into serious therapy and diligently seeks a measure of recovery, a very difficult task for her - then any reunion would just be restarting the same discord again.  Sadly, the past is a strong predictor of the future.

We all crave closure when a relationship has ended.  The typical pattern when dealing with BPD is that you can't get closure from the other.  Therefore, it is wise to Gift yourself Closure... and Move On.

As much as she requires therapy but likely will never seek it, we too can benefit from taking a close look at ourselves and determine how we can learn from and avoid similar failures.  Counseling is a valid way to get an objective perspective, sort of, looking inside from an outsider's unbiased view.