I really want to say thank you to everyone who has commented. I appreciate your interest and desire to make some sense of this type of behavior. It means a lot to be able to vent here, and get outside perspectives because I’m often so caught up inside the whirlwind that I really can’t see. And of course, I need to try different responses, because we keep repeating the same behaviors over and over again. No matter how much empathy and validation I produce, it’s never enough and like a drug creates a craving for even more. So I need to feel a little less threatened and hold my ground a little more. I appreciate some of the actual phrases that you have used in your own lives.
After a nightmarish Valentine’s Day, yesterday and today were pretty good. We do not have the standard devaluation / idealization cycling: I definitely get the devaluation, but the idealization is just acceptance that I’m an adequate husband and everyone else is struggling too. “Things are actually pretty good!”What helped is that we took care of our two-year-old grandson yesterday and today and that provides a distraction. She’s actually quite a wonderful grandmother. And on her good days, I see clearly why I was attracted to her and continue to love her, even though she says she doesn’t believe I love her.
The evening of Valentine’s Day, when I was in my bedroom reading shortly before bedtime, she knocked on my door (we sleep in separate bedrooms) and came in very agitated. She was terrified that I was going to come downstairs and attack her physically, and maybe even murder her! At one point, I stepped toward her to give her a hug, and she recoiled in fear! But eventually I was able to soothe her and after maybe 20 minutes she went back down and went to bed. The next morning our grandson arrived early, and there was no further discussion of the disturbance.
Today was pleasant from start to finish, but I’m always on alert because I never know how quickly she might shift into a foul, unstable emotional condition. One day at a time.
We might even get a temporary separation soon because her very elderly mother probably doesn’t have too long to live, and she lives halfway around the world. She may go to visit her during her final weeks and stay afterwards to help her older sister who is caretaking her mother. She might be gone for a month at least and perhaps two months or more. This will give both of us some space and some time to consider what our future holds.
Thanks again, everyone.



