Aarghh …. My entire post disappeared when I tried to preview it. I’ll try again, but I may not say it as clearly.
SuperDaddy, I think you were right when you say that we need to do things differently if we want to get results. We are stuck. I’m applying the tools as best I can, but not every relationship can be saved. My wife seems to have her mind fairly well made up that she wants to move out. I would guess it will be in two or three months time, but who knows. Tonight she repeated that she wants to move to a city that’s a little over an hour drive away. We’ve driven through the city many times on the interstate highway, but we don’t know it very well. She said she’s researching neighborhoods and houses for sale. I haven’t said this to her, but at some point I think I would recommend that she should rent for six months or a year to get to know the neighborhoods better before making such a big decision. And yes, she definitely sees herself as a victim and me as a prosecutor, although every chance she gets she mockingly points out, “you’re such a poor little victim, aren’t you?”

I have told her in an earlier discussion that I wanted to stay married to her and work hard on repairing the relationship, but if she was determined to separate or divorce, I would (very sadly) respect that, and I would pledge to be as civil and decent as I could possibly be. Tonight she said “I think you’re secretly thrilled that I’ll be moving and you’ll be by yourself. It won’t even take a year for you to get hooked up with another woman – and she won’t do it out of love, but for your money. And our kids will end up not getting your part of the inheritance.”

I really think that I’m done with women and marriage after this. I’m almost 70 and I want to have peace for whatever few or many years I have left. I will look towards hobbies, volunteer work, and being in social situations for friendships, not romance. I’ll also have a more authentic relationship with my two adult children.

Mutt, I don’t want to get drawn into the super empath versus narcissist binary, but she is completely consumed by it, and I need to at least engage with her to some extent on it. On the other bulletin board for trying to save or repair a relationship I posted about “poisoned by blogs, reels, podcasts, and other social media,” and I described the situation and how it was incredibly damaging to our relationship. It’s a death spiral down a rabbit hole as you keep getting fed more and more of this content, much of it generated by AI, or at the very least, serious rage bait. There is a cottage industry of self appointed experts on narcissism, mostly geared toward women and advising them how hopeless the situation is - end the relationship now and be happy again.

I’m sure my emotions will be all over the place, but the daily rage and contempt that she spews at me is really wearing me out. If/when she leaves, I will feel sorrow, regret, emptiness, and loneliness, but there will be some sense of relief that I won’t have to face this conflict 24/7.  But right now, I feel very sad but even more so, I just feel NUMB.

I’d be cautious of getting drawn into the super empath vs. narcissist binary. This kind of content can be more polarizing than healing.

What matters more is whether the interactions feel safe and respectful for both of you. Labels won’t help with that.

Hi GrayJay ,

It has always been obvious to me that my wife's outbursts and attacks were related to what she has gone through in her upbringing. However, recently I noticed that the way that her mother persecutes her is very similar to the way she persecuted me. There is a link. This is the type of emotional connection that she had with her parents, and it seems like with me she repeated it compulsively. Though with me she always wanted to play the persecutor, not the victim.

In the case of your wife, it seems to be the exact same. She is persecuting you with accusations.

One thing that Netwendy said is true: to get different results, you'll have to try something new. It's not up to me to tell you to split and live separately, but what I can see is that things will improve once you do. I say that because I know you would do it in a compassionate way, making sure she feels loved during the process. It worked for me. My wife is still difficult to deal with because of her emotionality, but now she won't attack me anymore, in any way. Now she is focused on fixing things rather than breaking them.

A couple of days ago, I was in her home, and I listed for her the 4 things I was expecting her to "fix" before we could be together again. After that, I asked her if she had any complaints about me that I should fix. She thought for a while and said I could share the washing of the dishes. You see my point now? The point is that she couldn't even remember all of the accusations that she was constantly making against me when we lived together. The drama evaporated.

Yes, it can be hard to be away from who we love, and it may feel lonely, but it can also be healing. There is no healing without pain.

This reminds me of a conversation I had when I was a teenager.  We were on the topic of the Bible and God's Kingdom (the primary theme of Jesus' ministry) and he asked, "What if it never comes?  What is the point?" I replied, "Yes, it hasn't come yet, but even if it doesn't come in my lifetime, I will know within myself that my life will have been better with that conviction of integrity and purpose."

There are times in life where we can feel lost and alone, it seems we are born to crave relationships and throughout history one positive motivating force, regardless how marriage and family relationships work out, has been love of our creator.  It's not so popular these days but it has real value.

NotWendy, thank you for your comments on validation. It can be very difficult in the heat of the moment, especially after days of harsh criticism. I’ll try to respond more consistently in the manner you describe.

Here is one excerpt that my uBPDw sent yesterday. One of many, and certainly not the harshest:

You are talking the talk but not walking the walk. You are showing disengagement and emotional numbing instead of incooperating your shadow. You look more and more distant and removed from feelings. The empath can’t be feeling all the pain.

The only way a narcissist can heal is to feel the burn/ pain. Like I said rolling in the vomit with the scorpions, centipedes and snakes instead of throwing all the muck at me! 

Another consideration is that behaviors increase when they are reinforced. What is your wife getting out of watching these videos? To her, they are a source of validation.

My BPD mother had a high need to feel validated. What I wasn't aware of was that she could easily feel invalidated by something I said that wasn't intentional to do that. This didn't mean being responsible for her feelings or walking on eggshells but to be aware of this, not react emotionally to her reactions and see if there was a pattern.

Unsolicited advice, even friendly advice, was perceived as invalidating. I noticed that doing this, she'd dysregulate and react. I could make a note to not give advice unless she asked for it. Sometimes even if she asked for advice - I'd say "I think your decision will be fine"- and sometimes she reacted to that too.

It didn't stop all the accusations or dysregulations. It also didn't stop my feelings when she'd say hurtful things, but being more validating of her feelings and not reacting emotionally as much did help tone some of the drama down between us.

Also, if your responses to your wife are validating, the videos may not be such a prominent source for her. You already know this is progress, not perfection. It won't change all at once. Hopefully the downward spiral will slow down or even stay steady- or maybe even improve.

Something to consider is - why is this spiralling downward when you are trying so hard to be a good listener and show compassion? Why are these behaviors (criticizing you, accusing you) increasing?

The advice on this board is to validate the feeling while not validating what isn't valid. How does one do this?

For someone with BPD, feelings feel like facts. You aren't a narcissist. However, she feels you are, is convinced that you are. What you are doing is being more patient, more kind, more explaining that what she's accusing you isn't true. You are trying to prove her wrong.

To her though, that feels invalidating, and when invalidated, she escalates. You defend more.

To change this, you would need to take a risk and do something different. Look at what you are doing now. Is it helping? No, whatever you are doing now isn't helping. However, you know the outcome of what you are doing now. It's predictable. Doing something different- you don't know the outcome, it's risky, but - there's a possibility of change there- maybe for the better, maybe not, but it's not getting better with what you are doing anyway.

A counselor advised me to substitute something absurd for the accusation, in thinking only. It helps to tone down your emotional reaction. What if, instead of narcissist, your wife accused you of being a pink elephant. What if she was listening to videos about you being an elephant, telling you that you have elephant eyes, and tusks. Would you defend yourself and try to prove to her that you aren't an elephant?

When your wife accuses you of being a narcissist (elephant)- she feels that and so it's a fact to her.

"You have dead eyes and zero empathy"-  instead of explaining how you are listening, try " that must feel so hurtful to think I don't have empathy for you". This is validating her feelings, not admitting to not having empathy. Then she will probably reply with more hurt feelings. "yes it's horrible, it's so hurtful" and you can say something similar like "that must feel really bad".

When she threatens to move to another city you can say "It must be really hard for you right now. I'd be sad if you did that".

Also, for your own emotional sanity, you can't be listening to this all the time. You need to find some time for yourself. Even if you fake it- "I have to run an errand, I'll be back later" - the errand is going to your car and driving somewhere - the park, the coffee shop, wherever you find some quiet.

The hope may be in changing your responses and so, trying something different can allow for that chance.

Hi ,
You are definitely not alone.  My adult son went NC on me over 5 years ago because I refused to give him money for drugs( he is also bpd, too). It is not you.  I agree with the other posts-it is a sort of coping mechanism they use. 

Hi MM,

You've come to the right place.  Please feel free to share if you're comfortable.  Even if you're not comfortable, my guess is that if you spend some time reading through the posts of parents on these boards, some themes will resonate.

I can relate to your situation as I have an adult stepdaughter with BPD, and my husband and I don't always see eye-to-eye on what to do.  His role has mainly been one of provider and fixer, and he has operated in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt for years now.  Because of this, the household has been incredibly tense sometimes, and my husband has had a tendency to take out his frustrations on me.  His daughter seems to cycle back and forth between loving him and hating him, but honestly I think she hates him 99% of the time.  Nevertheless she maintains contact, seemingly only when she wants something, namely money, housing, insurance, co-signing and logistical support, such as moving her in and out of various living situations.  I see a cycle of enablement, but by the same token, she has turned her life around with therapy, and her life looks relatively healthy now, ruptured relationships notwithstanding.

Right now my BPD stepdaughter is estranged from her entire family.  That's sad, but by the same token, she has operated independently from her dad and me for the last few months.  I'm wondering if she has finally carved out an adult's life for herself.  But I know not to get my hopes up, because experience has taught me that BPD is fraught with periods of instability and self-destruction.  I try to stay cool, level-headed and also loving (as much as possible), hoping for the best but bracing for the worst.  I suspect it's only a matter of time until she runs out of the money her dad had given her, including the proceeds from the sale of the car she was given.  But for now, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

It would help to know whether or not your son is living with you.  In my experience, the absolute worst scenario is for you to enable him to be NEETT--short for Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy, while he's treating you like crap.  That set-up is basically rewarding him for being dysfunctional, and it's not sustainable unless you're loaded and can tolerate his abuse indefinitely.  My biggest issue with my husband has been allowing his adult daughter to live in our home, on and off for years, while NEETT and not helping out one bit.  What happens when a person has no purpose or responsibilities and does nothing except ruminate about negative thoughts?  Eventually they feel like nothing, alienated from the world.  In my stepdaughter's case, that invariably led to feelings of hatred, depression and emptiness, passive-aggressive behaviors and outright hostility.  Daily marijuana use of the self-medicating kind only worsened her problems by an order of magnitude.

Meanwhile she adopted a victim mindset and blamed her family and former friends for all her woes, eventually accusing them of being "toxic," "bullies" and "abusive."  Her life became a dismal trail of fractured relationships (not just one or two, but many), which was ironic because I think she craved closeness and belonging more than anything.  She lashed out, broke down, teetered on the brink of despair.  Fearing for her very life, her dad bent over backwards to "save" her, basically by giving in to all her demands, while implicitly accepting blame.  And so the cycle of enablement continued.  But she had become an emotional terrorist, because in her world, the incentives were all mixed up.  The worse she acted, the more money and concessions she got.  She made adult-level decisions, but her dad shielded her from facing the natural consequences of those decisions, in the name of protecting her and keeping her alive.  Sound familiar?

Hopefully she will.
I think it's difficult to be seen as the "bad guy" but if someone is in victim perspective- that's how they feel. Hopefully you can hold on to knowing it's not true. You are not being a jerk in this situation.