Hi Inforthewin
I have read your first post about the pregnancy and have been trying to find a moment to pen a reply. Your post brought back a clear recollection of the moment my DD announced that she was pregnant. I felt spaced out and totally whacked – so I am sure my response was well short of enthusiastic. I too was sure it was not accidental – and my DD was 19.
Now gd is nearly 16! It is a rollercoaster ride that’s for sure.

I am not sure your friend fully understands BPD – because I don’t think she would give advice of this scale if that were the case. Going NC is a huge step – one that is an option for sure – but it is such a huge thing to do, I don’t think anyone can advise another person to take that step. The person themselves would need to come to that conclusion and from what you say, it is not what your heart or head is telling you to do at this point in time. You need to follow that message I believe.

I also don’t think it matters whether the pregnancy was planned or not. It is there now, and all the reasons why it would be better if it had not happened are not going to change that. This is now the situation.

First of all give yourself time to adjust to this. It is HUGE – and you are no doubt thinking of all the possible consequences and different eventualities. I found myself sort of feeling sick, while DD was basking in all the attention a pregnancy brings.

We use words like ‘co-dependence’ often without a proper definition, or reference to a huge range of different circumstances. Being prepared to walk beside your DD does not mean that you are automatically ‘co-dependent’. It can simply mean you love your DD and want to be able to be part of her life and the life of your grandchild.

That’s the first thing – follow your own heart and mind (wherever it may lead you because that’s the only way forward).

The next thing – can you be happy about it? This is what your DD wants, but gosh I am sure it is hard to get the happy vibe going when you can see all the possibilities and problems ahead. I have to admit I found it very difficult but after getting over the shock and taking time to adjust I changed my thought pattern to focusing on the child. That made it easier because every child needs to be carried in an atmosphere that is happy, relaxed and healthy – and your grandchild is no exception.

All that said, there is still the fact that your DD has a very serious condition – one that is not only challenging for her but all those around her and especially whoever is the target of blame. And DD is only 19 so be ready for the long haul.

From what you say, the father of the child is very stable and has stable support – this is another reason to be happy because that side of things could be so different.

Do you feel you can express a positive feeling to your DD? I think if you can do that, the next thing is look at what happens then? I am wondering whether DD intends to move in with the father, stay at the apartment that you are financing or . . .

I think I would be quickly making the positive vibe move and then keeping an open communication to find out what DD is thinking in relation to the living arrangement. Perhaps you know this already.

Re the abuse etc. In my opinion it’s good to take one step at a time, I would see how all this settles and then perhaps you could post some actual examples of how things are and we can look at options for addressing those issues.

Keep in mind that all this is my opinion. I believe strongly that each person’s situation and relationship is unique and you are the one who knows your DD.  It is great to come here where people know the lived experience of BPD and can give us their personal experience. All options are on the table – follow your heart and mind, and  believe in your own ability to find a way forward.                             

Hi GrayJay ,

Thanks for sharing. We also learn from what you write. You seem to be a very good person. The high five thing at night seems a bit psychotic.

Let's look at some of the causes:

1) The framing she puts you through seems part of a subconscious attempt to "artificially set the body to survival mode in order to mobilize the last reserves of the EOS", just like the scientific study says.

2) Your retirement is also a big factor.

3) Worsening of the disorder with aging also seems to be a factor. I'd recommend you look seriously at the nutrients that become low with aging, as they can make a dysfunctional brain much worse.

Factor 3 is where you can easily intervene. Start by yourself, to get stronger, and hope that she follows. It works for any age. Supplements saved me in my 20s, and now at my 40s they are making me mentally stronger again.

But your understanding of her behavior is not precise. What I said about her walking nude and being unwell is not manipulation. It is a genuine and automatic behavior that she does when she feels the need for proximity, even while she is still very angry.

@Superdaddy what makes you think these are not manipulation tactics? You said they were pull strategies and she changes her behaviour if she sees that it doesn’t work. Is that not the definition of manipulative behaviour?
Maybe she did this and it worked a few times, so it then became learned behaviour, because if it worked once it may well work again leading to it becoming automatic behaviour?

Because that's the whole source of instability- I called it abandonment and maybe that's not technically the right word.  But once a BPD realizes that you have their back no matter what, the dysfunction disappears.

@Pook the quote above in your last post really stood out, as it was something my wife literally said before the discard.
She said “I know that no matter what I do, you and my dad will always have my back” which was probably 2 months before we broke up.

My teen daughter has BPD (anxiety and mild depression).  High IQ.  Dyslexia which compounds the challenges and pressures of school. She recently had a suicide attempt and previously self harmed one time. She gets great grades and is generally a great well behaved kids.  No other issues.  Dr suggested places like below.  Everything online about these places scare me (except for 3East) and they don't look like they make much of a difference.  Thoughts from any parents on this situation or these programs? or suggestions for others?  It seems like DBT is the right path for her.

3east at Mclean
Summit achievement
Pacific quest in Hawaii
Cascade academy in Utah
Silver hill
Mountain valley in NH

I'm very sad and confused about what I should do and not do when it comes to mitigating issues and helping m dBPD daughter right now and moving forward. Her recent news about being pregnant has thrown me through a loop and made her need to seek help so much more urgent, but I know I can't control that. At this point I'm grappling with how to maintain physical boundaries that are necessary due to her volatile behavior while also remaining accessible and appropriately supportive. She wants me to just "be happy for her" but I don't feel happiness. What I feel is afraid and helpless with a smidgon of hope that hangs on a thread. My friend who's a nurse and professes to understand BPD thinks that I should be going NC to the point of blocking my daughter from even contacting me, but this just doesn't set right in my heart or mind. She's only 19, is legitimately in a lot of pain, and it seems cruel and downright dangerous...... but apparently that makes me codependent? Please help. I wan't to support her and be a part of my grandchild's life, but not with the tradeoff of continuing to tolerate abuse or becoming an enabler. I don't believe the pregnancy was any accident but does that even matter. Does it?

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Perhaps this obsession with blogs, reels, articles and podcasts on narcissism, coercive control, and man-hating in general which my wife spends so much time on most days is not all that common in the BPD community.  It sure does inflame my wife, though.
We are traveling, so it’s been a bit hard to keep up with the responses. Strangely, she raged at me for most of the afternoon and part of the evening yesterday. It was the long list of hurtful things I’ve done in our 30+ year marriage, with a few new details and enhancements. There’s no real dialogue because I’m automatically wrong regardless of how I respond. And in the circumstances, there was no way to walk away from her rage. She threatened divorce again.
Today, she was in good spirits and we held hands (at her initiative) much of the day as we visited a large arboretum.  But at bedtime (separate rooms) she has lately been insisting on no hugs but a strange series of slow fist bumps and a high five. She says it’s because of my energy field. But we had a good day with pleasant conversation throughout. It’s so confusing.
I appreciate the comments several of you have made about rage addiction and think that’s a factor.
One day at a time . . .

Ok so this is very unique and interesting to me- wondering if anyone else has encountered this and how you responded to it-

We've been in a relationship for 2 years now living together. He appears single on FB and deleted me as a friend a long time ago he then blocked me on fb. He is on fb dating and is constantly talking to women. The conversation usually never goes anywhere and I have found no evidence of cheating. I check his phone often when hes asleep. He does not know I have his password. He will often start texting some of the women so any conversations I have seen that discuss wanting to meet or seem to be going somewhere I text those numbers from my phone and politely let them know that he is not single and in a long term relationship. Surprisingly the 4-6 times Ive done this the women are very apologetic and they immediately stop texting him back despite his repeated attempt to engage. He does not know that I have texted them or have seen these conversations. He knows that I have looked at his phone just the screen notifications and that Im well aware he is talking to other women. Obviously he does this to have someone to talk to and a back up option just in case our relationship were to end BUT it makes me wonder if he would actually cheat if one of these women were persistent enough and actually interested in him. Many of them are not as the conversations are awkward and like I said it never goes anywhere. I know this sound ridiculous but I dont know how else to respond to this bx. Oh and of course he is constantly accusing me of cheating even though I have deleted snap chat and given him the password to my phone so he can check whenever he wants. He checks occasionally and of course there is no cheating or inappropriate conversations. He has been engaging in this bx talking to women the entire relationship so I dont think it will stop - it calms him down to know he always has someone to talk to- someone who cares.

Glad you reached out again -- we're still here 

Can you remind us:

How old is your child?

What's the current parenting time schedule?

What's the current legal custody arrangement?

Do you already have a lawyer?

Any recent change(s) in circumstances?

Yes cynp , you could be right.

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often have lower baseline levels of endorphins, which can lead to chronic dysphoria and an intense, often unconscious, drive to stimulate their own opioid system. Here is some research on that:

The alarming symptoms and self-destructive behaviors of the affected patients may be explained by uncontrollable and unconscious attempts to stimulate their endogenous opioid system (EOS) and the dopaminergic reward system, regardless of the possible harmful consequences.

Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, frequent and risky sexual contacts, and attention-seeking behavior may be explained by attempts to make use of the rewarding effects of human attachment mediated by the EOS.

Self-injury, food restriction, aggressive behavior, and sensation seeking may be interpreted as desperate attempts to artificially set the body to survival mode in order to mobilize the last reserves of the EOS.

BPD-associated symptoms, such as substance abuse, anorexia, self-injury, depersonalization, and sexual overstimulation, can be treated successfully with opioid receptor antagonists.

Source: Borderline personality disorder: A dysregulation of the endogenous opioid system?

Now the link between anger and addiction:

Anger can be an empowering and therapeutic emotion when released in a healthy way, but it can also be addictive. Just like individuals who seek thrills for the adrenaline rush, some people have the same effect from anger. Individuals can become addicted to endorphins they feel when they get angry.
Source: Addiction And Anger Management