People with BPD traits (pwBPD) often never do get diagnosed.  So we have to deal with what we see and experience and conclude accordingly.  I remember my sibling was often sarcastic and seemed to have a chip on his shoulder, so to speak.  I always called him the grumpy one but I have concluded he has never been diagnosed.

PwBPD are largely unpredictable but in some ways they have predictable patterns.  They will typically have emotional overreactions to common triggers... weddings, funerals, anniversaries, family events, preparing for vacations, vacations, graduations, etc.


Over a decade ago one of our members faced a concern about her mother's likely behavior at her upcoming wedding.  I admit, her approach was a bit more drastic than Notwendy's gentler approach.  I dug this out of the way back archives.

Congratulations on the wedding. I don't think this is coincidental, not that your sister is connsciously doing this on purpose but from what I have seen, a pwBPD has a high need for attention and mental energy and will notice a shift in the focus on them. They will see this as something being taken from them- on purpose (victim mentality).

If your sister has BPD, she does not have the emotional stablity to reason that your wedding is your special day and that your parents' attention is expected to be on you. What she senses is the change in their attention.

This could be anything, not just your wedding. It might have been if your parents were busy with something else, or someone had a cold, or for any reason not providing their usual attention to her. You are able to say to yourself "Mom and Dad are busy" for your sister, who sees things from victim perspective, she sees "Mom and Dad are purposely not paying attention to me".

This is your wedding and also it's a big milestone for your parents. It's a happy one but also emotional. They've seen your first steps, your first day of school, all the way up to this one. Milestones, even good ones, are emotional for parents and so they are not as focused on your sister. Also family events come with some stresses and your sister is feeling that too. All this sets the stage for a pwBPD to act up.

I agree with having some kind of contingency plan. One is to designate someone to pay attention to your sister. My BPD mother was older but one thing I did for a family event was to hire a one on one caregiver/companion for her. This person's role was to be completely attentive to her, bring her her meals, and be her companion. This person dressed up like a guest and noone was the wiser. BPD mother did know it was help- but it appeared like a friend at the event.

With your sister being younger, this wouldn't work but something similar- a friend, companion, relative- someone who can be focused on her during the wedding and not get into drama with her- and also someone who will take her out of the room if she acts up. PwBPD tend to hold it together in front of people, so unless your sister drinks too much or gets overly agitated, she may not- but the standby friend may help. It may be an extra guest at the wedding but the cost for that is well worth the peace of mind. Your sister may decide to not show up and also might change her mind at the last minute but there will be someone on standby however this goes.

Hi Tired1121
It has been a while since I have been here – things got so chaotic in my world that there was very little space. But here I am, and I could just identify so much with the exhaustion and concern that you have that I had to make time to write – just to pass on that you are not alone.

Goodness you have been/are going through the mill and yes the nitrous oxide is such a worry. There are so many things that are happening – each day you are faced with the ‘atmosphere’ of someone who sulks around etc and it seems there will be no end to living this way.

Just a few comments from my own – pretty awful – experience with BPD.

I found that understanding BPD has been a game changer. For example, when I understood that I was my BPD’s ‘target of blame’ I was able to learn to let all the blaming and abuse fly past me. It sounds like you are the target of blame – it usually is the one most relied upon to accept them.

Another thing is being overwhelmed by all the things that are wrong. I am interested in the fact that your DD has a job. Has she had the job for long, is it full time and does she manage to keep going without too much reliance on you?

I think this is a very positive thing. My DD has never been able to hold down a regular job so there is no possibility of structure in her life.

We want to ‘fix’ things so much – to help take their pain away. We can see the tragedy of homelessness and mental illness looming if they keep making certain choices.

In this regard I think that you did the right thing offering the gummies and it may be that one a day will avert a disaster in DD’s mental health until, hopefully, some way forward is found. Harm minimization is a legitimate way to go, particularly when the possibility of serious harm is on the cards.

I tried to help my DD start living independently and I think I tried too hard and too soon. Every situation and every person who comes here is different and all possible options are on the table for each person. In my case I could not accept DD living on the street so she knows she can always come here. She has been in several domestic violence situations and she has been saved by having a place to go to so that she is able to leave.

But that choice I made meant that I had to find a way to live a very different life. Some of the things that guide me are:
I don’t have huge expectations of my DD around the house. Somehow I feel that the more I try to set up routines etc, the more I am ‘setting up’ confrontation.

I try to have my ‘time out’ from being around DD, and, importantly, put my mind on to things other than DD. It’s an active thing to do – switch my thoughts to something else and allot certain time to having her in my thoughts.

Finally I would like to encourage you to back yourself. You know your child and you know your situation. I followed everyone’s advice for a while till I realized I am the only one dealing with my situation, my child.

If you can take small time outs – just to try to lift the exhaustion a little. Be kind to yourself whenever you can. You are coping with what I think is the most difficult condition of all and here there are people who know just how hard that is.

Thank you for posting. Every time someone is prepared to tell their story it sends the message to others that they are not alone.

You and your fiance need to be always united when dealing with your mother, as though walls against an irresistible force.  And keep an objective perspective overall.  Think outside the box, not from a subjective perspective, but an objective one.

I suspect your mother might get triggered or make a scene at wedding preparations, the wedding, reception, perhaps much more in future years.  This is where firm boundaries are important.  However, in life there are occasionally exceptions needed.  When you do need to relax a boundary, your mother will jump on it as though changed forever and not an exception.  So if you do make exceptions, be very clear your overall boundaries remain in place.  Your boundaries, when rigorously maintained, will protect you and your loved ones.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I wish there was a way to "fix this" so it doesn't continue.  Unfortunately though, BPD can't be fixed unless someone is ready to put in considerate time and effort in therapy.  Even before that though, they have to realize that the problem within their life actually comes from within. 

But to admit that to yourself as a mentally ill person when there's zero answer on how to overcome it...it's almost impossible.  For that reason, your mom deserves compassion.  What she says and does is genuine since she believes it wholeheartedly.  Why?  Because the actual truth is too much to bear- every failed relationship came from her sabotaging everything good in her life.

I remember a time my BPD daughter sprained her ankle.  It was a bad sprain and the doctor told her to move around as little as possible for a month, to wear boots that supported the ankle, etc.  But instead, my kid wore flip flops and ran/jumped every oportunity she had.  As a result, a short term injury became like a two-year cycle of anger, blame, sympathy plays....even though there was a clear way to fix things.  Just do what the doctor said, what everyone is telling you.  Just let it heal.  But she simply refused to be told what to do.

Your mom is in the exact same position, she needs to mentally heal through therapy.  But instead, she leans on you for emotional support while trying to destroy anything in your life that gets in the way.  That's why your parents' marriage failed, and it could be why your marriage eventually fails as well.  It is manipulation at its finest.

I said all of that to say this- you are responsible for you.  Mom is responsible for mom.  When that no longer feels true, it's time to take a few steps back.  I do agree with you that mom needs your endless compassion and empathy to function, but once you begin to withdraw, she will simply find someone else to fill that void.  She's done it her entire life.  This is not your job though and it's not your responsiblity.

Push back on her narratives surrounding your childhood, but at the same time make it crystal clear, "I love you but I will not talk about this anymore.  It is emotionally draining."  If she respects that, great.  If not, hang up and distance yourself for a few days.  Then rinse and repeat.

Do this exact same thing when it comes to your job, your partner, your lifestyle, your family, etc.  If this is to be a mutual relationship, then you get some say in what you actually talk about and your feelings should be respected.  The one-way relationship has to end though, there's nothing in it for you but harm and emotional trauma.

This plays out one of two ways- either mom learns to respect your boundaries, or you end up no contact.  The only one who can change this dynamic is you though, and your healthy boundaries will drive her one step closer to admitting the ugly truth- she's seriously ill and needs to take therapy seriously.  Letting her dominate your life has the exact opposite effect; there's no need to change anything if she gets her disordered emotion support from you.

You have to choose one path- either you're in charge of you, or mom's disordered thinking is.

None of us are vengeful, of course, but I am reminded of an old saying in which I will replace 'revenge' with 'outcome' ... "The best {outcome} is to live a good life."

Thank you for sharing so much about how his relationship has impacted you. I completely relate to what you said about being highly emotional, empathetic and confrontation-averse. I am exactly the same way, and as I've learned more about BPD (in my case it is my sister), I am realizing that some of these core pieces of my personality have developed due to the efforts I've taken to navigate an unpredictable relationship with an individual locked into a victim mentality. I am curious how many other community members here relate to that as well.

While the nuances of all of our stories are different, I think one of the biggest themes that we all face is understanding how to set boundaries that protect ourselves while still being present for our loved one who is suffering. But at the end of the day YOU deserve to have peace. Sometimes protecting yourself and the other relationships that you cherish means releasing control and divesting yourself of the caretaker role. I'll share something that happened to me that got my wheels turning about this: last year I hosted Thanksgiving, and I caught myself going to extreme lengths to keep my sibling happy and entertained and calm at my own expense. Because of the empathy I've developed, I can feel the shifts in her mood and can usually feel an emotional episode brewing before it happens. During this holiday weekend I realized I was taking it upon myself to "head her off at the pass" by adjusting any variables that were upsetting to her, whether it was the direction a conversation was going or a comment someone made that she found upsetting. After the holiday I got very sick, and I had a bit of an "aha" moment that I couldn't do it anymore. Walking on eggshells with her was impacting me both mentally AND physically.

Al Anon is designed for loved ones of individuals suffering from substance use disorder, with the core philosophy being shifting focus from your loved one to yourself. I've actually found Al Anon meetings to be really helpful with boundary setting and detachment for my pwBPD. If you're looking for more resources, this may be a useful model to take a peek at. Ultimately, we can't control our loved ones' emotions or how they choose to interpret the past and the present. But we can find ways to prioritize our own emotional needs.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish there were easy answers how to fix things.  It does sound like BPD and this is a pattern that will unfortunately continue.

One thing I will say though, congrats on getting married!  That's your day and you absolutely must make it 100% about you and your spouse.  Don't worry about what your sister might say or do...or if she'll even show.  Whatever happens there will happen and you have zero control over it, which means worrying is senseless.  Let it go.

I know, I know...it's your big day.  So make it about you for once!

I am so sorry.  I've walked the same road with a BPD kid and grandkids being cut out of my life.  Luckily in my case, if was my non-BPD daughter (with the grandkids) that I had a falling out with for a time and we were able to mend that.  It was all over things the BPDs in my life said though, so I definitely understand.  It's a gut-punch.

The way you remake your life though is simple- you get busy living.  That means fall into old and new hobbies.  That means spend quality time with friends and family.  That means get moving, regardless of what you're doing, so you're not sitting around feeling hurt and broken.

For awhile, you'll have to 'fake it till you make it'.  I've been there and didn't know if I'd survive it.  But time does heal all and this too will lose its sting.

Hi there,

What you describe about your sister sounds like BPD to me:  the cycles of estrangement, imagining ill intent in others, taking things the wrong way and uber-personally, volatile emotions, multiple claims of supposed abuse, the endless grievances, her impossible expectations.  She's always twisting fact patterns into a victim narrative, which isn't exactly lying, but is highly distorted and exaggerated, often with essential facts omitted.  For example, if your dad compliments someone else, your sister will typically take it as a personal insult.  In my opinion, the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because your sister thinks she's powerless over her own life.  She hasn't really taken responsibility for her own choices and actions, because she feels like she's a victim, which keeps her stuck in a rut, rehashing past grievances ad nauseum, instead of looking forward.  Does that sound about right?

I've written various times on these boards that certain events or milestones, like birthdays, graduations, weddings, funerals, illnesses, vacations, etc. are tinderboxes for pwBPD, because they are emotionally-charged, typically involve friends and family deemed "toxic," and are somewhat stressful--at the very least, they disrupt the usual routine.  The stress alone can derail the pwBPD.  You'd think she'd be happy for you, but I think it's not possible when she's not happy with herself.  You see, deep down she's probably feeling extremely insecure, jealous, inferior and alienated.  Your happiness is a stark reminder of your sister's own unhappiness.  On top of that, she can't stand to witness the attention you're getting, because she construes that as attention taken away from her.  Sometimes she'll create a scene to try to reclaim the attention she craves.  She might start an argument, hurl unfounded accusations or try to sabotage the event in some way.  If she's the avoidant type, she might try to punish you with her absence. 

So, what do you do?  I'm in a similar situation as you right now, with a family wedding coming up.  I think you invite your sister, but that you keep your expectations very low.  My guess is that she might not respond to the invitation, and I think that's OK.  You see, she can't RSVP, because she doesn't know herself if she's going to attend or not.  Her emotions are so volatile, even she doesn't know what she's going to do until the day comes.  If she shows up, great.  You try to recruit some help from a brother, uncle or somebody you trust to step in if your sister creates a scene.  They can escort her out until she calms down.  But no matter what happens, you go ahead and enjoy your special day to the max.  If you sister doesn't show up to the wedding, that's OK too.  Just trust that she wasn't feeling up to it, and she's segregating herself rather than risk ruining your special day.  If she's sulking alone, let her sulk alone--think of it as a needed "adult time out" for her.  Just remember, you have no control over your sister's emotions, and it's not your job to be her emotional caretaker, OK? 

In addition, I'd advise not to give your sister any responsibilities for the wedding, such as bridesmaid or reader.  If she balks, your excuse is that you didn't want to burden her with anything.  This is my general approach with my pwBPD.  Since I do not rely on her for anything, I won't be upset if she falls through.  I'll generally give her low-stakes options, and if she pulls through, then that's icing on the cake--but I don't set myself up for disappointment.  Like I wrote, I don't even expect an RSVP.

Hope that perspective helps a little.  Welcome to the group.