You are so right, Pook.  I have done a lot of that kind of soothing based on dbt training.  And it works.

I think the problem I'm having now is that it feels like my pwubpd has taken so much time and energy from me (even doing that kind of soothing takes time and energy).  Also, it feels like they've upped the ante recently and then gotten crazed  because I set a personal boundary.   I feel exhausted and resentful,

That's why I'm currently taking a mental health break, which they are actually respecting after some initial pushback.  But I am struggling with FOG about my choice and not being able to say in the moment and not wanting to go back to the amount of time and energy I was putting in.....

Confused.  Aargh.

Thank you to everyone who has written in.  Your advice is greatly appreciated as is your kindness.  For me, it really makes a difference. 


That absolutely does make sense.  Definitely something I'm having trouble doing.

The connection of our life situations to music is so true.

When I was nearly 20 I had a crush that went nowhere on a local girl and every time I hear Wings' "Band on the Run" I am reminded.

Then another crushed crush memory sung to Chic's "Le Freak".

My ex?  Not sure if I have any.  Maybe some uncommon Reggae tunes with our matching "Don't Worry, Be Happy" t-shirts during our courting days?

All of us here have found benefit with local in-person counseling.  (My divorce lawyer told me, "Courts love counseling!"  So if you start the divorce process and mother resists approving counseling, court will likely side with you.)  Remote peer support is excellent but it does have its limits, and in-person counseling is one of them.

Also, schools and colleges have counselors too.  They're there but it requires you or your daughter to speak up and ask.  While they may not be able to provide services to the extent available elsewhere, they are not a resource to be ignored.

No problem at all, let us know how it goes.  It's certainly not intuitive to talk to an adult like that, but it's absolutely what they need when they're in crisis.  And anytime they're disordered, they're in crisis.

It's your words, your tone, your body launguage, your calmness.  It takes all of it at once, and it's super hard to get there when someone is yelling at you.  Just remember, they're yelling because they're in crisis internally...that deserves sympathy.

Look on YT for 'Dean Friedman Lucky Stars'.. from 1978 and though I wasn't with anyone with BPD then, it certainly can relate now.

I'd forgotten how good a song this was.

If you've heard nothing from her then it might be worth messaging her - you have nothing to lose. BPD is so unpredictable, some will switch off and never look back while some may return after time, or at least try to maintain some sort of contact - like liking your FB posts or commenting where they know you'll see it -  so that you know they're still out there and so they know that you're still interested. Even if they're with someone else they still want to know they have other options should their current situation change.

I wish there was some sort of logical process but with BPD we never know what they're thinking or planning. They don't even know themselves from one minute to another.

Send a message and hope for the best. I know it's hard to do, but try to concentrate on yourself and your own mental and physical well-being. BPD actions are totally out of our control but we do have control over ourselves so be with friends, do hobbies and try and stay strong. Remember, you had a life before you met your partner.

This is important information. Our childhood experiences and family dynamics have an influence on us. Understanding this isn't about blaming them- that isn't useful, but it is helpful to us to understand ourselves and our own patterns of behavior.

When a child grows up in a family with a disordered parent- the family dynamics are what the child experiences as "normal". It's the only experience they know. The child learns behaviors that may help them function in their family of origin but are not functional in their adult lives. Learned behaviors can be changed.

One can still have emotional responses from childhood. Likely your father was scary- at least emotionally-  and you learned that appeasing him and enabling him helped you to feel safe. This is a familiar response for you. When you don't do these behaviors that helped you to feel safe- you now feel the emotions that these behaviors were managing.

Now for the realization that these are self serving behaviors. While enabling your son may seem like helping him, they are actually managing your fears. Now is your opportunity to learn other ways to self regulate, ways you weren't able to learn when growing up in your FOO. You had a real reason to have them as a child. You were helpless, your Dad was in charge and he was scary. Now, as an adult, the situation is not the same and you can change these behaviors, but it can take some practice and learning, and everyone starts where they are, on their own path.

I looked back at your previous posts and there is some key information there to consider.

First is that your mother is already receiving SSDI. This means she also has been "plugged into the system" for other resources such as Medicaid. Is she receiving Medicaid?

Looking at her medical conditions you described- she needs considerable assistance- she can not walk, she needs insulin, and from your posts, her medical needs are increasing.

Assisted living in the US is self pay, however, there is some coverage for nursing homes with Medicaid. Medicare doesn't cover long term care but Medicaid can.

While your mother may blame you for putting her in a nursing home- if she qualifies for one and Medicaid coverage- this may be the best option for her and for you. This doesn't mean you are abandoning her completely. You can visit, provide some "extras" as Medicaid will take the SSDI as coverage, but you can bring her some items like snacks (there are rules for how much one can supplement). This is less stressful for you than being her caregiver.

Whatever assets your mother has will have to be used to cover the costs, but once her assets are gone, if she qualifies for Medicaid, Medicaid will take over the costs. However, there are rules about this. Medicaid "looks back" at least 5 years to be sure the person didn't hide or give away their assets. So if the house is put in someone else's name during this time, there will be a waiting period, penalty, before Medicaid pays.

If she stays in her house, sometimes Medicaid provides some home health coverage. But it sounds like she isn't able to manage on her own in her house.

If you take her back to her house and something happens to her and she is sent to the hospital and they discharge her to a nursing home, Medicare can pay temporarily but there needs to be an application to Medicaid to see if the person qualifies for this service. The laws on this vary from state to state. If she's already receiving SSDI and Medicaid- this process may be easier, I don't know- but the laws vary for each state.

I see where she's already made false accusations of you. You don't want to leave yourself open to false accusations. Learning about the resources and laws in your mother's state helps both her and you.

Since she has resources- like her house- Medicaid requires a person use their resources first. There are rules for spending down resources so one stays in compliance. Even if she doesn't need nursing home care now, it's possible she may at some point given her medical issues.

One of my friends has a father with NPD in this situation. Her parents divorced. He had moved out but didn't have a place of his own or resources. He was in the hospital and when it got to being discharged, social workers looked to friends and family to take him in- when none would- they placed him in a nursing home and he qualified for Medicaid. My friend is able to stay in her job. She still visits him, brings him snacks. He's still who he is- NPD- but this is managable for her.

Your plan is still an option if you choose it but it might leave the door open to your mother possibly making false accusations of you. It's also not a sustainable long term plan for her as it seems she does need some level of care and may need more in the future. Another possible plan is to learn about resources and the rules for her getting them, and have a plan for getting them in place for her, whether she needs this now, or goes back to her home and needs it later.

The point about extracurricular activities is a good one. BPD mother's criticism and blaming me took a toll on my self esteem. School, friends, and extracurricular activities helped to counteract that. It didn't resolve all of it but - they were a source of positive feedback and validation.

I don't know if you or your D are in counseling. I think it's essential. It's someone your D can speak to without fear of consequences. I didn't know my mother had BPD. I think it could have helped to know. However, this information needs to come from someone objective, like a counselor who would know if it is in your D's best interest to know and how to speak to her about it.

While I think it is possible to help mitigate some of the effects of having a mother with BPD, I don't think it's possible to avoid all of them. This is a significant person to a child and even in the most protective circumstances- they have a relationship with this person. Let your D know that it is a normal and positive form of self care to seek out counseling, as she also will need to do this at times, as an adult- as she feels she needs it. I haven't done it continuously but at times when I felt I needed some objective guidance and feedback.