i have an unread email from her

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

i'm tempted to read it, but i know i shouldn't. she knows exactly what to say to inspire that nauseous feeling in me.

i can't eat. i'm losing weight, & i'm pretty sure my hair is getting grayer. it's completely overwhelming.

i had to set up my drums the other night with tears in my eyes in front of people i didn't know.

what a mess i've gotten myself into. i'm just sick.

[Discarded]

i'm tempted to read it, but i know i shouldn't. she knows exactly what to say to inspire that nauseous feeling in me.

i can't eat. i'm losing weight, & i'm pretty sure my hair is getting grayer. it's completely overwhelming.

i had to set up my drums the other night with tears in my eyes in front of people i didn't know.

what a mess i've gotten myself into. i'm just sick.

[havana]

Sorry things are going poorly. Before you open that e-mail I suggest you watch the tape.

2 months to the day after we met, she started flaring up. she accused me of infidelity over an innocent text from a colleague. she was drunk. i wasn't. she bit my face! & when i lost my temper & took her down, i validated her, & she became the victim. the next three hours were a barrage of verbal & physical abuse. i videotaped it.

[seektruth]

Discarded,

I urge you to delete the email now.  I can almost guarantee that whatever she wrote in the email will not make you feel any better, but it will most likely make you feel worse.  Remember, you can't control what she does, but you can control how you will react to what she does.   x

[Discarded]

i read the first few lines & you were so right! it seems my reaction to her venom is getting stronger, not weaker.

i guess cause she accessed  all my dysfunction & stirred it up. if i could just get my appetite back.

this isn't really a break up. it's a mind ___. i gave up way too many secrets. i feel like an idiot.

a very hungry, tired, stultified idiot.

[seektruth]

Discarded,

Let's make one thing very clear here, you are NOT an idiot.  Many of us here went against our better judgement and made mistakes.  We are human, we are all entitled to mistakes... .as long as we learn from them  .  So when she emails you again what will you do?  If you are still tempted to read her emails, I would strongly urge you to block her emails.  Hang in there! 

[Discarded]

i blocked her on my email, & i deleted the message. thank you- i didn't know 4 & 1/2 months could produce this much hurt.

[seektruth]

Good for you, Discarded  !  I'm sure it wasn't easy to do that, but find comfort in knowing you are doing what is best for you.  I'm sorry you are hurting right now, but you will heal and be smarter & stronger for it.   x

[2010]

i gave up way too many secrets. i feel like an idiot.

Don't waste time blaming yourself. People like this are the same type of people who break into your house and steal your stuff. They are THIEVES. It's as if you have been involved in a con. It is infuriating and it is scary that this person who you so trusted with personal details is a flake and a fraud.

I couldn't stop feeling EXACTLY the way you are feeling now (and I know how much it sucks, trust me!) until I picked myself up off the floor and took a good hard look at what I had done and why.  It was about ME, not Psycho. He was only a Tool.

But for now-don't beat yourself up. What do you think all the people on this board are doing here? We all ran into this kind of person in one form or another. They are out there. There are increasingly more of them. We have to be interested in our own welfare and protect ourselves. So read on this board, post, vent-get strong. You can do it. It's not about her anymore; it's about you. 

You can't unring a bell.  The past is what it is, BUT you do not have to let her continue to muddle your present.  Put her behind you, figure out your Achilles heel, and get about the business you were put on this earth to do- loving life and laughing.  It's the most important work of your life. If all you can do right now is post here... .  It's enough.   

[Discarded]

this board has been a wonderful thing for me. i've processed so much today.

i don't know how i'll feel tomorrow, but it's only been two weeks. i'm sure more hell awaits.

but i know it won't kill me. it only feels like it will. i'm starting to think that these people come

into our lives to reveal things about us we don't want to see, & to reveal things about THEMSELVES

that we don't want to see. they just can't seem to accept responsibility. we can.

[innerspirit]

 Discarded --

 and   from another musician.  Recovery is surely painful and sometimes a passion for playing music can help in the healing, to express things beyond words.

this board has been a wonderful thing for me. i've processed so much today.

i don't know how i'll feel tomorrow, but it's only been two weeks. i'm sure more hell awaits.

but i know it won't kill me. it only feels like it will. i'm starting to think that these people come

into our lives to reveal things about us we don't want to see, & to reveal things about THEMSELVES

that we don't want to see. they just can't seem to accept responsibility. we can.

Couldn't be said better.  Keep on walking the walk and listening to that WISE voice inside --

I.S.