I think my dad has BPD

[chacha68]

I am 47, my dad left us at 3 but we have stayed in each other's lives in various ways for better or worse. He had a rough childhood and exhibits  most of the BPD symptoms which as the eldest of a brood of half-siblings I have dealt with the longest. We are also closer then he is with the other kids for various reasons. As the eldest I have seem him misbehave and mistreat his wives and children etc for decades and intervene where and when I can from close or far but never to any real productive end overall. I have become exhausted with trying to maintain this relationship in any form and when he recently self-diagnosed with aspergers i just wanted to tell him dad no i think its BPD but am worried it will start WW3 and a series of text assaults that will last for weeks that i dont want to deal with. Right now I am in an ignoring phase which is easy as we live 3000 miles away and the only thing i feel like I have left to say to him his that I think he needs help. Anyone have any experience with telling someone they think they need to get properly diagnosed?

[Turkish]

Hi chacha68,

Generally, telling someone they may have BPD doesn't go over well. Even when my Ex self-diagnosed with some unnamed "attachment disorder," I didn't offer my suspicion.

Your dad, however, is your relative, unlike my Ex. That's a different dynamic. It may be worth pursing why he thinks he has what he thinks he has. It can be co-morbid, and BPD usually isn't the only illness. An old family friend has BPD, c-PTSD, GAD, Depression... .; my mom has BPD, depression, PTSD (whose symptoms can be similar to BPD).

The validation tools here can work on anyone. If you can validate his feelings, he may open up. It's probably good to question what you are getting out of this though, just for your own emotional benefit. Answers for yourself, help for him, a better relationship, all of these?

This might help:

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

If your dad is introspective enough to think that he has "something" then that's a chink in the armor. It's hopeful, but that may all it remains. Distance certainly makes this harder, but it also sounds like it keeps you more safe as well.



Turkish

[Woolspinner2000]

Chacha68,

I'd like to join in and welcome you to our online family!    You've come to a great site where there are many others just like you, exhausted from the struggle with the BPD in their life. It is super tough to hang in there with them. It's some help that you live far away, but the phone calls can get tough, can't they?  I remember so well those calls with my uBPDm over the years. If I got off the phone and said, "Well, that was a good conversation," it was as if the earth moved off it's axis! 

Along with Turkish, I agree that often BPD doesn't exist on its own. Have you ever read any books about BPD? One very helpful book titled "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" has a good chart that illustrates many of the additional disorders that are along the 'border' of this PD. My uBPDm showed many other disorders including ADHD, PTSD, eating disorders and a gambling addiction.

I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this in your dad. It is challenging for anyone to handle. 

Wools