Please Advise ME

[lmh7654]

Hi ALL... .well... .I'm 35 and a lesbian. Anyways... .my now ex gf, I think suffers from BPD... .we are civll... .spoke through FB messanger on Tuesday, 10-4-16... .I miss her so much. I cut it off, bc the treatment was unbearable. I miss her, however and I want to be with her. She told me she would be there if I needed her and loved me and cared. I told her I loved her and clearly still cared. A lot has happened to me too... .This past summer, I lost my dog, my best friend, my soulmate in the dog world. It was tragic ending that should not have happened, bad breeding, despite my efforts to avoid that. My father, strained relationship, but we are civil, has terminal prostate cancer, could go any time, and then I felt I had to end my relationship. Idk what do to... .I do love her and miss her, even though our relationship was anything but calm... .We fought a lot, just verbally, I'd never swear, nor yell, not my style. Anyways, before I lose you all, I do really love her and want to be with her. My mom cannot stand her, wont be around her, and my bff says, there is something deeply wrong with you that you want to be with her, however the pull is too strong, and despite their comments I find myself drawn back to her.

What do you suggest? Can't sleep in PA, lmh7654

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi lmh7654,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that  A romantic r/s with a pwBPD can feel like crazy making behavior to the non-disorded partner with the push-pull behavior and there's an addictive quality and there's an emotionally exausting quality packaged with all of that.

My mom cannot stand her, wont be around her, and my bff says, there is something deeply wrong with you that you want to be with her,

You're mom and bff care, they probably mean well but I find that unless you have been in a r/s with a pwBPD and experienced that push / pull behavior first hand, it's difficult to empathize with. For example, divorce, people can have apathy and sympathy, but unless you have gone through a painful experience like a divorce it's hard to connect with.

I'm guessing that there is a part of you that wants to get off the emotional rollercoaster and there's another part of you that is addicted to her pull. I recall another member here say that it literally feels like coming off of drugs and alcohol, but feeling like our old self, possibly even better and stronger and feeling or taking control of yourself and your life is priceless.

I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you, you're not alone.

[eprogeny]

Hi there!  I'm so sorry you're going through so much all at once.  Sometimes life decides to be that way, unfortunately. :/

I very much relate to what you're feeling regarding your ex. I went through similar feelings with mine, too.  I do think it's good that you decided to cut it off though.  I tried that many times and really wish I hadn't given in to that emotional pull - though where I am now is someplace I couldn't have reached if I had walked away earlier. 

That place I speak of is this new understanding I have of exactly why it was I was always pulled back into it all.  It turned out my need to stay connected to her and to keep trying so hard was because my BPDexgf had accidentally exposed a core childhood wound.  And I had been desperately trying to make that feeling she gave me be something else.  But, in fact, it was coming to understand her BPD plus my own pain from childhood that finally released me from letting her continue to mess me up.

For a little while it was like a snow globe had been shaken and I needed some time to let the pieces settle, but once they did I realized no matter how much I tried all that would happen is things would get worse.  That is the nature of BPD - the more emotionally intimate things become - the less they are able to tolerate it.  We can't change them, or their disorder. All we can do is change ourselves and make sure we are not trying to keep unhealthy interactions going.

If your ex has BPD and if she isn't in treatment for it, you really don't stand a chance.  Until she gets the therapy she needs to manage her symptoms it will only get worse.  I would say distance yourself until then, but chances are there won't ever be an "until then" time for the two of you - staying or leaving will come to the same result, her emotions won't get better, she will eventually discard you.

[babyducks]

Hi lmh7654,

Welcome.   I'm glad you are here posting.  I know there are many deeply personal reasons to enter or try to maintain a relationship with someone who suffers the traits of BPD.   I think it's important to understand what the relationship can actually be like, in terms of cooperation, respect and mutual support.   

Being in a relationship with a high conflict person requires special skills and tools to minimize the damage the illness can cause.  They don't come easy and they are often counter intuitive.  You can find them in the box that runs down the right hand side of the screen.  I would encourage you to take a look.

Understanding the illness will give you a different perspective, learning the skills and tools will allow you to react differently during an emotional dysregulation.   They will not make the illness go away.   

What makes you think your GF is somewhere on the BPD spectrum?   And do you think you could commit to learning the relationship building skills that would help you navigate what will be a difficult relationship?

How would you feel about taking some time to educate yourself here before you take any action about the future of your relationship?   Does that sound workable?

'ducks