My BPD Mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

After years of verbal abuse, rages, guilt, manipulation, and her attacks on my marriage, I chose to end the relationship with my mother. I have been in therapy for the past 5 months because I knew there were many patterns that I wanted to break - tough stuff that my childhood had planted deep within me. I didn't want the toxic behavior to spread into our home.

I continue to get a series of text messages from her that range from "I'm proud of you" to "I die a little bit everyday knowing that you hate me so. I ask God why? My guess is I will never see you again." I've been blamed for all of her bad behavior and watched the extended family enable her. I stopped enabling her, set boundaries, held to my consequences and then watched the distortion campaigns begin. Everyone is afraid of her.

I've asked her to get help (that was an ultimatum about 4 years ago) and she went 1-2 times and then said that the counselor thinks she is fine and that I am the one that actually needs help. The history is overwhelming at times. Where do I even start? It seems hopeless. I want peace in my home. My husband and I have a wonderful life together and a beautiful baby boy.

[christina1251]

After years of verbal abuse, rages, guilt, manipulation, and her attacks on my marriage, I chose to end the relationship with my mother. I have been in therapy for the past 5 months because I knew there were many patterns that I wanted to break - tough stuff that my childhood had planted deep within me. I didn't want the toxic behavior to spread into our home.

I continue to get a series of text messages from her that range from "I'm proud of you" to "I die a little bit everyday knowing that you hate me so. I ask God why? My guess is I will never see you again." I've been blamed for all of her bad behavior and watched the extended family enable her. I stopped enabling her, set boundaries, held to my consequences and then watched the distortion campaigns begin. Everyone is afraid of her.

I've asked her to get help (that was an ultimatum about 4 years ago) and she went 1-2 times and then said that the counselor thinks she is fine and that I am the one that actually needs help. The history is overwhelming at times. Where do I even start? It seems hopeless. I want peace in my home. My husband and I have a wonderful life together and a beautiful baby boy.

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Christina1251,

I'm sorry you are struggling so with the issues with your BPD mother.  Has your mother been diagnosed?  I believe my mother has BPD, but she has not been diagnosed.  I went through a no contact period with my mother for about 3 years, but we communicate now.  Our relationship is better, but nowhere near perfect.  I think it's great you are in therapy.  And congratulations on your marriage and baby boy.   

Here is some information for you to get started:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Phoenix.Rising

[zone out]

Christina 1251

Many of us here will identify very much with what you are going through.  I, like you have my own happy family which is a great source of comfort.  I have always been determined that my mother's crazy behavior does not affect another generation.  Now that you have moved on to a new stage in your life as a mother, it is a good time for you to redefine your relationship with her - there is lots of great information on this site about setting boundaries etc.  I only found out all this information recently, my mother is elderly with health conditions which complicates things no end.  If I could speak to my younger self I would have acted very differently and not let her get away with anything like she has over the years.  Today I have to rush over for yet another crisis, I was planning to visit my daughter in her new flat but that will have to wait.

In the short term it would be worth getting your husband to screen text or e-mail messages from her - my husband always answers the phone when he is at home.

Keep reading and posting - it really helps.

Give your baby and big hug and look towards better things ahead.

Zone out

[nevermore]

  I have heard the very same things out of my mother's mouth. I took a three year break too and have moved back to her area. We talk almost every day now but I never let the conversation go deeper than the weather, etc.  I won't discuss emotional issues and I won't let my guard down.  Congrats on your baby boy. The biggest thing you may ever do in your whole life will be to break the cycle of BPD.  I did and my adult children are wonderful parents.  This site is a wonderful place. I have learned so much and I know you will too.   

[Calsun]

Hi Christina1251,

Thank you for your post, and welcome!  I can relate to what you wrote. I do have some contact with my mother, but limit my interactions with her.  It took me a lifetime to finally start to unravel the distortions that my mother, as an uBPD, presented.  She portrayed me in typical BPD fashion, as the bad one, as hateful, unlovable and the black sheep of the family, and my brother as the good one.  My brother still buys into that, understandably holding onto what appears to be the special position, but he doesn't see how detrimental that is to him, as well.  And, of course, as a child not having psychological boundaries or a father who was healthy or strong enough to stand up to her, I took on that role in the system.  Getting help has really supported me in changing that understanding and making positive changes in my life, which include really developing healthy self-love for the first time in my life.  To see that I was never bad, unloving, or unlovable, that this was just the projection of a mother with a mental and emotional illness, a borderline personality.  And others have had the same experience too.  That is very freeing.

Great that you have a loving family that you are building!  I think you might find it really helpful to know that you are not alone, and that many people who have borderline mothers have struggled with the same issues.  It  does hurt that because of our mother's emotional illness, we were portrayed in such a negative way, lied to about who we really are and essentially emotionally orphaned in some profound ways.  But there is a lot of love and support in healing.

Once again, welcome!

Calsun

[sophiegirl]

I am constantly amazed at how many posts I could have written myself. I have lived with this abuse for 47 years. I have disappeared on and off then been sucked back in, she paints me as a very bad daughter to other people and has the spite to tell me what she tells them about me. It is so hurtful, all I ever wanted was a loving mother, I also have kids now too and I make sure  I never treat them how she has treated me. In hindsight I should have probably cut off communication entirely from her but that's mighty hard as it would have alienated me from my cousins who probably don't see that side of her. The problem is that the abuse starts in childhood, therefore we are brainwashed at an early age. I really didn't realise how awful she really is until I had kids of my own and realised the depth of her nastiness.