Questions I have about the parents of a BPD

[ricky rick]

Ok so the parents of the exBPD I was with were great people whom I adored and they adored me. My ex seemed to have been brought up in a normal functioning family life style. My ex never said much about her mom and her mom did all kinds of things for her. I was always thanking her mom while the ex never did. Her dad and I got along great because he and I worked for the same company so we always had things to talk about. He was a very quiet and reserved man who liked his wine.

My ex use to say how much she thought her dad disliked her. I found this strange because he did so much for her also. Struck me kind of weird. well one day I tried talking to them about some issues I was having with their daughter and they didnt want to talk about it. They wanted to be left out of it all as if they knew something that I didnt.

Now that Im out of the picture for the second time, I truely wonder what they think about her actions. Thing is... .  Im a parent, If my child did these things or if I saw something I didnt think was normal, Id be right there asking questions trying to get to the bottom of the problem. The parents know how much I loved her and all the things I did for her. BOOM, Im gone once again, no closure, no good byes. The parents have to know the ex has issues.

Why wouldnt they want to help?

[FogLight]

My ex's parents were divorced, but from all accounts their relationship sounded just like the articles written about NPD/BPD relationships.  Funny thing is, they lasted exactly 15 years together (I've read that BPD relationships usually last 18 months or 15 years, roughly).  I knew both of the parents, the dad was extremely narcissistic, though fun to be around when he wasn't trying to prove that he was basically God.  The mom didn't really seem that crazy, but everyone I talked to in the family said my ex inherited the "drama queen gene" from her.  I guess I didn't really know her all that well.  But as I got to know both of the parents, I realized more and more that they thought of my ex as a lost cause.  They knew she had issues, even the dad told me from day 1 "You have NO F***ING IDEA what you're getting into".  That should have been my cue to run like hell.  Funny thing is, she talked like she loved her dad to death and hated her mom, but she fought constantly with both of them.

Something else strange that I noticed about the ex's relationship with her family members, they all spoke to her as if she was a little kid, even though she was a grown adult WITH a kid.  I don't know if they knew something that I didn't or what, but I think maybe subconsciously they all saw her the same way they would see a 3 year old.  Her siblings (younger and older) weren't given this same treatment.

You would think they would want to help, but I think we have a different perspective of our ex's craziness.  In the relationship, I somewhat got "used to it", but now that I've stepped out for a while I can see just how crazy it really was.  Oh, that and now it has a name.  I think the parents were just used to it, and had no idea there was a name for it.

[ambi]

Well, they might not want to admit there really is a problem or they might not want to think about any role they may have had in the issue.  :)enial?  FOG?

For me, his mom seemed like a really nice person.  The family would tell stories sometimes about what he was like in childhood and later years.  It was not a flattering portrait of him.  I think he split his mom black on a regular basis.  He's told me a few stories to indicate that he was very vengeful with her when she tried to enforce normal household rules.  

She visits and maintains a caring, but somewhat distant relationship.  They talk about the weather and sports and stuff.  Nothing too deep or too personal.  I think she stays on the periphery to avoid his anger and vindictive side.  She walks on eggshells.  For her, I never thought she didn't want him to get help, she just knew she couldn't be the one to help or even suggest it.  

[AmericanTemplar]

Mine's dad wasn't in the picture but I suspect that her mom was BPD too.  Nonetheless, she knew that her daughter had problems and I think that she even hoped that I could take care of her and even fix her.  She told my mom on their first meeting that her daughter is smart, charming, and charismatic but that she has a dark side and she had asked her daughter whether or not I had seen it yet.  I hadn't or I never would've married her.

Ricky-when you say that your ex's dad liked wine, do you think he could've had a drinking problem?  There could've been a lot going on below the surface even if their family is seemingly normal.  I mean if your ex had BPD then there has to be a FOO issue.