Did they bring out the best in you?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Due to my isolation I'm ruminating a lot... .  

I sit here alone looking and feeling like a total bum and then compare my self to the person I am when we are together... .  

When we are together I am the following:

Alive

Fun

Sexy without trying

Confident

Examples... .  

I have logically solutions to problems

I can do things like parallel park in the most difficult spots

I can cook amazing meals

I look like a super model in every picture he takes of me when I'm really not all that!

I know all this sounds a bit off... .  But the reality is/ was

He made me the best version of me I have ever known... .  

Is this familiar to any one else ?

[Seahorse1]

Due to my isolation I'm ruminating a lot... .  

I sit here alone looking and feeling like a total bum and then compare my self to the person I am when we are together... .  

When we are together I am the following:

Alive

Fun

Sexy without trying

Confident

Examples... .  

I have logically solutions to problems

I can do things like parallel park in the most difficult spots

I can cook amazing meals

I look like a super model in every picture he takes of me when I'm really not all that!

I know all this sounds a bit off... .  But the reality is/ was

He made me the best version of me I have ever known... .  

Is this familiar to any one else ?

[marbleloser]

Yes,it sounds familiar.The truth is,you are all of those things without him,or anyone else,also.

You feel that way because it's a boost to your ego,as anyone would when someone puts you on a pedestal.This is a co-dependant trait.The need for someone else to validate you,instead of validating yourself.

Are you a worse cook without him?

Somehow less attractive without him?

Is your driving suffering without him?

You're the same.You just need to keep telling yourself that.

Last night,my kids had basketball practice and one of the coaches was talking to me.He said,"Marble,you're the type of guy that can do anything.I wish I could do that.You're smart.Everyone knows it and "so-n-so" told me he thinks the same also. He told me you were capable of doing so much and he wished he could too."

This was completely out of the blue.A boost to my ego? You bet!So,I accepted it.It made me feel better about myself and if you knew what was going on in my life,you'd find this observation from this particular person as shocking as I did. It validated me and told me,"he knows the truth about my situation".I'm like this regardless if he had said it or not.

[Newton]

Seahorse ... .  your post really resonated with me... .  I've been there, felt it, mulled it over for many many hours.

If you have codependent traits like me... .  then realising your partner was a mirror really helps to get past these crappy feelings... .  

They mirror the best in us... .  you ARE those things... .  that you listed. REALLY!     If you are codependent it takes having that connection with someone to allow you the confidence to manifest it... .  for now.

If I had someone to cook for I would pull out the stops and ROCK!... .  why didn't I do that for myself and enjoy it?... .  

I would make proper effort with my workouts to look great as a couple (she had model looks)... .  why wasn't I doing this for myself anyway?... .  

I would come up with fantastic ideas for solutions to HER problems... .  and was distracting from looking at, and solving my own... .  why?

Why wasn't I a priority to ME... .  is any of this making sense? 

[Seahorse1]

Thank you both for your responses!

The reality is although I realize that yes... .  It's me... .  I am these things... .  No one has ever brought these "things" out in me besides him... .  And I've quite a few relationships... .  

I'm still wrapping my head around it all... .  

I'm a spiritual person and wondering how can this person who can bring out the best in me also have the most devastating effect on me ... .  

[marbleloser]

He didn't bring it out of you.He doesn't have that kind of power.He validated you and you probably haven't had that done very often,so you felt "special" and that feeling has an addictive quality to it.

[afterdeath]

Due to my isolation I'm ruminating a lot... .  

I sit here alone looking and feeling like a total bum and then compare my self to the person I am when we are together... .  

When we are together I am the following:

Alive

Fun

Sexy without trying

Confident

Examples... .  

I have logically solutions to problems

I can do things like parallel park in the most difficult spots

I can cook amazing meals

I look like a super model in every picture he takes of me when I'm really not all that!

I know all this sounds a bit off... .  But the reality is/ was

He made me the best version of me I have ever known... .  

Is this familiar to any one else ?

yes... .  she made me the best possible version of myself that i could be at that time... .  but she also brought out the worst possible version of myself that ive ever seen... .  same storyline as you. I looked like a strong sexy happy confident guy in all pictures with her... .  that was the mask of our relationship though... .  noone else knew what really went on behind closed doors... .  she said to me when she recycled me the first time that she thought "we were both better people when we were together"... .  this is false ideology... .  the truth is i did have the best times of my life with her and i was very very happy... .  but i was also super depressed alot and crying at night at times when she pushed away and distanced herself... .  the truth is i was not a better person with her... .  i was the same... .  she was the better person when she was with me because she mirrored me! I dont drink or smoke and im loving and fun... .  she used to smoke drink and do wreckless things... .  so no... .  we werent better people together... .  she was better because she fed off me like a leech... .  im still the same person... .  just wounded

[Newton]

Well as a spiritual yet not religious person (whatever that means   )... .  I have faith in yin yang.  Equal and opposite forces... .  providing balance.  Light/dark... .  on/off... .  push/pull... .  life/death.

I see my ex as a gift... .  and a curse.  She caused me unbelievable pain... .  and also put me on a path to finding a fantastic T... .  joining bpdfamily.com... .  and knowing more about myself than I have EVER done before her.

Give yourself time... .  we are all a work in progress and always will be until we depart this earth.  PwBPD can take us to our darkest days, and our brightest ones... .  recognising that we had qualities they aspired to, qualities we can nuture and cultivate REGARDLESS of them is our path to inner peace 

[bpdspell]

Yes,it sounds familiar.The truth is,you are all of those things without him,or anyone else,also.

You feel that way because it's a boost to your ego,as anyone would when someone puts you on a pedestal.This is a co-dependant trait.The need for someone else to validate you,instead of validating yourself.

Are you a worse cook without him?

Somehow less attractive without him?

Is your driving suffering without him?

You're the same.You just need to keep telling yourself that.

Couldn't have said it better myself.  

[bpdspell]

yes... .  she made me the best possible version of myself that i could be at that time... .  but she also brought out the worst possible version of myself that ive ever seen... .  same storyline as you. I looked like a strong sexy happy confident guy in all pictures with her... .  that was the mask of our relationship though... .  noone else knew what really went on behind closed doors... .  she said to me when she recycled me the first time that she thought "we were both better people when we were together"... .  this is false ideology... .  the truth is i did have the best times of my life with her and i was very very happy... .  but i was also super depressed alot and crying at night at times when she pushed away and distanced herself... .  .the truth is i was not a better person with her... .  i was the same... .  she was the better person when she was with me because she mirrored me! I dont drink or smoke and im loving and fun... .  she used to smoke drink and do wreckless things... .  so no... .  we werent better people together... .  she was better because she fed off me like a leech... .  im still the same person... .  just wounded

I can validate this because I experienced the same thing.

We give them way too much credit in the self-esteem and worth department but that is our codependence in operation.

Our BPD ex's are often very envious our our qualities. Many of us on here aren't clear about what mirroring actually is. Mirroring is when they validate all of the blind spots that we can't see within ourselves. It's all of the good stuff: the kindness, the talents, the pure love, the passion, the drive, the ambition, our power to heal and overcome tremendous circumstances.  They saw that in us and idealized it initially. When devaluation starts this is when they try to leech, destroy, suck dry, empty out, chop down, and debilitate our gifts.  It is frustrating for them because they want what is inherent in us.

They did not "give" us any of our good stuff. They simple validated what many of us haven't received or experienced as children. All that we were with them we are on our own. We just have to do the work to get to a place where we believe it with our minds, body and soul.

[myself]

We already have it in us, we just had the chance to share it. Having it out in the open like that just helped us see it better. Why don't we cook fantastic meals, for example, by ourselves, for ourselves? Perhaps it's the sharing that we thought meant the most? 

[suz124w]

To inject a bit of humour into the proceedings... .  Yes!  The very best!  I had an epiphany in fact.  It started dawning on me that staying with him would be a bloody waste of my talents.  LOL

[Newton]

suz124w... .  now THAT is personal progress   

[suz124w]

Newton,

Aye, it took me a while... .  but I got there in the end! LOL