Once Upon a Time... a story of New Years Eve

[angel1]

Once upon a time in a land far, far away New Years Eve was being celebrated all around the world.   People gathered with loved ones and friends to see out the Old and bring in the New.  Auld Lang Syne was sung with gusto and hopes for the New Year.    At our home though, we had chosen to snuggle on the couch.   A bottle of champange was open as we watched the world celebrate on the TV.   We chatted and laughed; just happy to be together.   I remember thinking to myself how very lucky I was to have this man and to have this moment in time.   My life was simple but perfect.   I had been to many New Years celebrations over the Years and I wouldn't have traded a single one for that simple evening.

Snap forward several years to this New Years Eve.   On edge all day.   Trying to make it good or at the least not wide open crazy.   Early in the day, he brought up a topic of conversation that I usually never raise as it brings swift retribution.   Shocked at the topic chosen I decided to try a few careful comments since he had raised the issues and was obviously waiting for my input.   MISTAKE.    Within a few sentances:  "... .  can we just drop this, I am tired of hearing this.  Every month you bring up the same stuff.  I got it already."     Well, my mouth slammed shut.   STUPID ME.   It was on the tip of my tongue to remind him that we haven't talked about this in months and that I didn't start this conversation.   To my credit, I seem to have finally learned something and that is to SHUT THE HECK UP cause there is no adjustment to their reality possible at any time and for any reason.  Period.

Regardless I got on with my day.   Did some fun things with the kids and baked some goodies.

Later that evening he again brought up another topic of conversation that has been a mine field in the past.   One of those no win conversations.  One that I know is damned if I do and damned if I don't.   Quickly my mind started to run through potential responses looking frantically for the "best" option.    I hadn't realised that I had gone completely still as I disappeared into my mind trying to find that response.   I was jerked back with "why the hell are you just standing there looking at me."    Gut punch back to reality.    STUPID ME... .  it was a no win situation and response wasn't necessary to achieve the "my bad" classification.    Once again, I managed not to respond, I just slapped my mouth close and walked away.   How frikin rude!   I can't even begin to imagine what he would do/say if I said something like that to him for any reason!

So, I spend New Years Eve alone.   At midnight some folks let off some fireworks and the dogs barked - "shut the ***" was the scream from the bedroom.   I think back to how it was and look at the coldness of how it is.   

While I was typing this, he got up and went to the bathroom.   Didn't even glance in my direction.   Still no Happy New Year, no kiss, no hug, no touch of my hand.     

2013... .  I pray to God it can be better than 2012 and that is all up to me.   I am so tired of this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Sadsue]

Oh angel, I am with you on this.  I totally understand, I have a similar post over on undecided.  I am shocked at how many of us were sat alone last night.  But what that does go to show is that it is our BPDs and not us, we can't all be to blame when all we ever want is a lovely evening with our loved ones.

It's their problem, not ours.

I hope you take some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

[angel1]

I do take comfort from knowing I am not alone.

After years of thinking it was me.  Years of trying everything I can think of... .  

The power of knowing you are not alone... .  that you are not the only one experiencing these exact things is priceless.

While we all have to reach our own decisons on whether to stay or go... .  just having some validation to what we experience cannot be overstated.

[waverider]

When I met my partner we had the best times on these occasions.

This year I dropped her off at Residential Detox unit on NYE, then spent the best NYE I have had in years. I picked her up today as she discharged herself early and it put a dampener on New Years day.

How times change.

Yet things are better than they have been for a while, mainly due to my better handling of these things

[Validation78]

Hi Angel!

Sorry that your fairy tale life has turned out this way. Many of us can relate to that! Mental illness can be cruel, to those with it, and to those around them.

So, the question remains what are we, each of us, going to do about it? You say, very appropriately:

2013... .  I pray to God it can be better than 2012 and that is all up to me.   I am so tired of this.

Here you are, at ftf. The Lessons to your right are the doorway to opportunity! Make the best of it friend!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Not normal]

Its the same here.

i try to think of birthdays and holidays as normal days and dont make any plans.

it helps, but i'm feel that i'm getting to a point where i dont feel anything... thats no good.

keep sane and believe in yourself!

heck the rest! They are very sick people in the mind...

[Loca]

 Oh how I feel you, angel, as I am facing almost exactly the same thing... .  I thought it'd get better after I manage to get some non-aggressive response when the new year kicked in but today, nothing has changed.

My heart is bleeding for our 7 week old son sleeping in bed now and I feel like I'm going mad from having bad thoughts to suddenly envisioning him coming over wrapping his arms around me. I also pondered on the past of how I could have seen the red flags and still continued to have him as my life partner!

For the first time, I prayed that God will free me from him and protect both my son and I from his insanity! I am really tired of this as well... .  But here I am still struggling through the mud.

[yeeter]

The last couple NYE's have been spent alone.  My wife would return with the kids from visiting her family, and after a 15 hour drive would expect dinner when they got here, and I would have the kids torres and put to bed while she ate a quick bite and went direcly to bed.

This year I let her know i was considering going out and doing something after putting them to bed.  Not my first choice, but it's my choice to stay at home or not.  And not a threat... .  More of a sad recognition that I shared with her.

Then viola, my wife decides to be home the day before, so everyone can recover before NYE.  We had a nice evening last night.  I didn't need to go out.  Not sure if it was coincidence or her adjusting to me.  Either way, I expressed how much nicer it was to have a NYE involving other people.  

Hugs to all.    .  Keep taking care of yourself and gaining strength.  Including social interaction with others

[Seahorse1]

The no win situations!

I wonder if they are even aware of them?

I also wonder if the have a running list of things in their mind of things to get upset about that just come up randomly when they are stressed...

I have a male friend who is not BPD but is in therapy for other reasons and is not emotionally healthy at all... .  I remember meeting him at a friends house and he started making conversation and said " well as I was driving over here I was just thinking about something to be mad about" he said it like it was normal... .  

I thought how strange to be driving to a pool party on a Sunday afternoon trying to find some thing to be mad about... .  

I think some people just can't handle peace!

[angel1]

The Christmas season has always been a special time for me, and he knows it.   The whole month there was no effort on his part to engage.  It was like punishment was being handed out in a way that left little to say.

Looking back I recognise this is applies to all special events that I look forward too.   My last several vacations were horrible periods.

Now it is just like you said - don't set yourself up with expectations and you won't be disappointed.

[gina louise]

I believe my HUSBAND does the same thing-he's obsessing in his mind about something and becomes more and more resentful, angry and upset... .  it could be something dumb like getting cut off in traffic!

But he fixates on it. And ruins a perfectly good day.

The grain of sand in their shoe becomes a pebble, then a stone and finally a boulder and they are STUCK beneath it-thrashing internally.

Part of it, at least in my situation- was that my HUSBAND wanted everyone else to suffer the same way he was emotionally. Resentful, irritated, disappointed.

So he would make sure, if someone was having a (rare) good/great day, to toss a wrench into it just so he'd have company in HIS misery.

It didn't matter if he cancelled a fun thing for his kids or told me at the last minute he was "too tired" to DO anything (a catch all excuse) he would do so.

Like you said-No effort to engage. In fact-a concerted counter effort !

So we cancelled dinner dates for the two of us, his kids missed movies out or sleepovers, we skipped mini golf or go karts, we forfeited the zoo or beach trip, all for HIM to lie on the couch like a statue.

It's not like he would have something else fun at home to do. NO. Just for him to wallow in his misery and abort the family plans.

And kids were HIS kids-so I wasn't "permitted" to take them on my own-he and his stbxBPDhWife made that clear. Otherwise I would have!  Really sad-and made the kids upset.

GL

[different_drummer]

My-oh-my... .    And here I have been thinking for years this only happens to me.  Way back when we USED to go to parties and events - we celebrated our first NYE together ringing in 1989.  We USED to have fun and be social.  We had a lot of friends.

I can distinctly remember when all that stopped - NYE ushering in the year 2000.  We went to a huge gala event in Lake Tahoe, hosted by some dear friends.  We got to our hotel around 4, the party started at 7.  We didn't get there until 11pm because of her drama.  We left the party at 1 am and she raged and cried and spewed all kinds of crazy until about 4 am.  On New Years Day we were supposed to go to a brunch, but flaked out with the good old "She doesn't feel well" excuse and drove the 5 hours home under a big dark cloud.

I haven't had a good New Year since.  If we somehow manage to get through the NYE "celebration", New Years Day is hell.

This was the first year (2013) since then that I went into full of optimism and on Jan 1st, it was all dashed. 

And she wonders why I struggle with depression sometimes... .  

[iluminati]

Part of it, at least in my situation- was that my H wanted everyone else to suffer the same way he was emotionally. Resentful, irritated, disappointed.

So he would make sure, if someone was having a (rare) good/great day, to toss a wrench into it just so he'd have company in HIS misery.

It didn't matter if he cancelled a fun thing for his kids or told me at the last minute he was *too tired* to DO anything (a catch all excuse) he would do so.

Like you said-No effort to engage. In fact-a concerted counter effort !

So we cancelled dinner dates for the two of us, his kids missed movies out or sleepovers, we skipped mini golf or go karts, we forfeited the zoo or beach trip, all for HIM to lie on the couch like a statue.

It's not like he would have something else fun at home to do. NO. Just for him to wallow in his misery and abort the family plans.

Now, I understand that you can't take his kids places because him AND his ex-wife don't want you to.  It's crummy, but you can't put that on your husband per se.  However, the dinners, the mini-golf, the go-karts and the rest is all on you.  Once I've figure out my wife would cancel on anything, I'd just go.  There are a lot of photos of my daughter and I at the zoo, at museums, visiting Santa, going to the park and on and on and on.  Also, if I'm free, or get someone to watch my daughter, I'll go to the movies, visit friends and family, even get a beer with friends. 

Only you can hold yourself back.  Yes, you have to make sure the kids are OK, but once that happens, knock yourself out.  You can't live your life for your husband.  You have to live for yourself.  Yeah, they'll be upset that you aren't being the perfect spouse supportive in all things, but you know what?  You'll never be perfect like they want, so why bother?

[Cloudy Days]

My New Years was good up until my husband decided he was mad at me and went to bed around 9:00. I woke him up at 11:30 because I thought he would want to kiss me at midnight, boy was I wrong. He ended up telling me he wanted a divorce and called me some lovely names. Still wasn't sure why he was mad at me in the first place. At 12:00 midnight I was in the bathroom crying and said dear God please don't let this year be like last year. It was basically a year I could have lived without. 20 minutes after midnight my husband asked me if I wanted some champaign and eventually gave me a hug. I'm still not quite sure why he was mad at me in the first place. Happy freakin New Year right... .