Should I take him back?

[Washisheart]

Do you take them back because you are still deeply in love with them?

Or do you take them back more out of habit & because you would miss them if they were actually "gone" (like for good) ?

I don't know how I feel... .  Is that normal? I don't feel the overwhelming joy love brings.  Maybe because I don't trust him? In my dealings the last few days, its almost like dealing with an annoying kid brother. Like I love him, I want to support him in any way I can. But the fire has been smoldered.

Confused... .  

[4now]

Hi there,

Wow that's a very good question.  I think for me the answer has changed over the last three years (yes, it's been going on that long).  At first I was devastated.  I couldn't imagine a life without him.  I was so depressed and despondent over him and his first major "push" episode.  I still loved him very much and wanted to do anything to make it work.  Then over time, I lost my deep and abiding love for him.  How can you continue to really love someone when they have hurt you so badly?  I don't think it's possible.  I still loved him and wanted things to work.  I was willing to still really work on things.  And then there were the kids.  I thought about them and how it would be for them if we divorced. 

But as things continued on in a bad direction, I think that was selfish of me and it was an excuse.  The kids would be better off without all the conflict and drama.  And honestly, my h would be forced to spend time with them, or face that he wasn't, if we weren't together.

Now, after everything, there really isn't much love left for us either.  I don't see how there could be.  We get along, for the moment, and live together. But for the love to be re-kindled, I think there would need to be some serious repair work on both our parts.  And I don't think he is willing or able to do that. 

I think it is normal to not know how to feel.  It seems for me once I would start to feel something good ie love, he would do something that would just ruin it.  After that happens too many times, it's only natural to keep yourself from going there again.

I think it's also the cycle that we are all stuck in, too.  It's like a knee jerk reaction.  And, yes I think I would miss him (the good parts and the good memories) if he were actually gone.  But I sure wouldn't miss all the bad stuff.  No way, no how on that one!

[gina louise]

I am separated and when the push /pull behaviors became too pronounced I made two lists-beginning with early in our r/s right through to the present.

Kind of a "Loves me" and "Loves me not"

I included insults, demands, gifts, vacations, compliments, conflict, date nights, disrespect, cancelled plans, great times, raging, promises made-then broken spitefully... .  Everything.

Those lists opened my eyes. It looked like my HUSBAND didn't even LIKE me, much less love me!

In fact, unless I "toed the line" and did as my HUSBAND demanded there was less and less pull back to a loving r/s.

try it- It's different when you see it black and white.

GL

[4now]

Gina Louise,

Very interesting idea.  I think I will try it.  It seems like things cycle so quickly I often forget what even happened when things are going okay.  And sometimes I feel like I don't know how to make heads or tails of anything.  I have also thought about listing my wants and needs to see if this rs is actually meeting any of them.  But your approach is much more straight forward.  Thanks!

And I would also agree that there is much less of a pull towards a loving rs.  We don't really have any idealization anymore, and the goods times are pretty rare.  We have "normal" times, when things seem "normal" then it all goes crazy.

[dragonfly13]

washisheart - given what we're both going through i think it's perfectly normal to be confused.  is it love still?  Or need? Or some reflection of what I feel i deserve in a relationship?  I'm starting to think a combination of all three.  i don't trust him, never expect anything to work out - and am rewarded with exactly what i expect... .  how can that be real love?  i don't think love is supposed to be this painful.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all here.

I understand this 'push, pull' thingee too. Often feeling like my partner is playing a game with me, where he constantly changes the rules to suit himself, (but doesn't let me know until I have been playing for half an hour already and the game is almost over). This leaves me feeling like there will only ever be one winner, and it won't be me ever, nor will the game be played fairly.  I'm likening this to one of those rigged fairground games that we all sneer about...

Often it is a complete feeling of damned if you do, and damned if you don't, possibly even the highest form of passive agression I have ever experienced...