Jumping nerves for today's probation checkin

[lbjnltx]

Greetings to you qcarol,

So sad to hear in your post how low your energy level has dropped.  Simply must take care of self... .  !  Can't take care of anyone else  when we don't take care of self... .  

It seems that your "boss" and his "wife" need someone to be the voice of reason and compassion.  Who will be that voice in their lives if not you?  We provide opportunities and let go of the outcome. 

Maybe just maybe qcarol you have lost site of this in your worn down, worn out, distressed state... .  and maybe just maybe qcarol you are worn down and worn out because you have lost site of this... .  let go of the outcome... .  it is not yours to direct, own, or orchestrate.

 

Love

lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eclaire5]

Totally agree with you lbj, we need to take care of ourselves before we take care of anyone else. I know that was one of the things that helped me the most, and even though from time to time I feel a little guilty for becoming what I would have judged as “selfish” in the past, I realized that such was the best thing I ever did for my dd. Before my own therapy I used to be the one who did everything for everyone else, I would go out of my way to help not just dd, but anyone who needed some help (I diagnosed myself with the Nightingale syndrome). Now that I am able to say no without excruciating guilt, I am much less stressed out and have more energy to withstand my daughter’s emotional ups and downs. She had a break down about six months ago after break up with her boyfriend and superficially cut herself threatening suicide. I calmly talked to her and gave her the choice to voluntarily go to the hospital, but also reminded her that suicide is a permanent choice to a temporary problem. I did not emotionally react to her threat and kindly told her that if she was adamant about it no one would be able to prevent it, not even me.  She did go to the hospital for a few days and has been doing very well ever since. Qcarol, we all know that suicide is higher in people with BPD, and all of our children are at risk, but that is something we cannot control. If your dd ever makes that choice there is no way you could have done something about it or that you would be responsible for it. We can worry sick thinking of all the possible scenarios of what could happen to our children, but that doesn’t help. I would suggest that whenever you find yourself dwelling on the “what ifs” to just let them out here for a bit, write them in a journal, or talk to a friend for a few minutes, but then shut the door on all those worries and get distracted doing something else. Your granddaughter and your husband need you too!

[LearningToAccept]

Qcr

Sending healing thoughts to you, dd and dgd and wishing your dd has the strength to stop taking the stimulants if they are interfering with her probation and overall progress.

Learning

[qcarolr]

Update: sense that DD's need for r/s with her bf is somewhat toxic right now. He has been in very depressed place past few days from exclusion by FOO during holidays - though he got to spend a week before the bigger family events last month with his mom. The rest of the family is step-brothers and their families. DD has stood by him through all this - rearranging her schedule and needs to meet his. And he has become increasingly demanding of her attentions, even when she is busy with our family routines. Like yesterday, we had made plans to go to my mom's about 1 hours drive to shop and eat lunch. DD was very interested in going, even the day before. Yet when I woke her yesterday morning she came up and asked if she could not go. OK, though inside I had mixed feelings.

When I returned home yesterday she was alone - bf had left for town. DD had cheered him up, now she was down, and he was gone. THis is pattern - he is here when he needs her, but gone when she needs him. I was really quiet for awhile - I was feeling too angry at bf to be validating of DD feelings - or so I thought.

In evening she came to sit with us watching TV and I share, gently, how angry I was that bf was rarely here for her when she needed him, but she was expected to always be there when he needed her. And this had been happening more. Gave her some examples of both sides of this. She said "maybe you need to say this to him". I said I did not want to anger him - asked if her was a violent person. She said no, but I think she understood my hesitation. And the truth for me is she has to manage this r/s without my interference. I am talking to her to stimulate her thinking about what her needs are and how to best meet them.

She has not done any probation stuff since new year's eve that I know of. She asked me how many days she had been back this week - since Tuesday morning. I know she is waiting for her system to clear of something. She has missed two classes and one T appt.  She knows the risks. I do not need to say anything about this to her. The outcome - I am letting it go much better this week. I know she is strong in many ways and will be a survivor of whatever comes.

Maybe she will follow through today with online application for grocery store job - Sprouts is hiring. How can I coach her on the interview - letting them know her strengths, sharing how she plans to overcome her weaknesses, figuring out what openings fit her skills. Talked with her about a job being a good way to meet new people with more focused goals in life than her homeless friends. She wants this.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

I think you are doing a great job with this situation qcarol... .  being concerned for her, giving her food for thought, letting her decide what/how to do it... .  awesome!

So often our kids that suffer with BPD have a very negative opinion of self... .  doubt, victim mentality. 

In reference to coaching for the job interview... .  reframing works well sometimes... .  looking at traits from a positive instead of negative perspective.  That is the basis of PPC...

For example:  Instead of dd looking at being homeless because she couldn't follow house rules ... .  dd looks at her strength of adapatability in being able to live homeless and learn from it... that she has strong survival skills, she is resourceful... .  she has a broader view of people, is less judgemental, has the capacity for a higher level of compassion, etc... .  

Hope it goes well for her.

[somuchlove]

You are "all" so good at knowing how to handle this.  I also appreciate your sharing with the rest of us so we to can learn from it.  I hope one day I will be able to at least be knowledgeable enough to do it in my situation with my dd.  I am sending hugs and good thoughts your way. 

somuchlove

[Esperança_Hope]

Dear Qcarolr,

You and you´re dd are amazing. She is there for him as you for her. She learned, she grew a lot.

I loved Ibjn´s words. DD can do it. I´m just concerned about this kind of "sabotage" against herself. I would  talk - very careful with her about her fear of healing herself.  She knows the risks , of course. What, maybe, she doesn´t realized yet is hear fear to be free, or have the symptoms - which are her "old fellows" , her "close friends" - much more under her control. IMO, she fears the changes.

Take care of yourself, darling. You deserve the best. You inspire me always.