my therapist told me I'm addicted to PAIN

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

So my therapist told me I'm addicted to pain. I think she's right.

My ex and I remain LC for about 3 weeks now. And we broke up last early december.

He will still go off me sometimes and be mean to me, he made me cry a couple times, even after we are no longer in a relationship, he still made me cry. I'm still used to apologize to him, and question him "why are you so MEAN to me? It doesn't matter what I do, I'm always doing something wrong! *cry*cry*cry*" He would be really mean, but I would get what I want in the end from him anyways. Sometimes I start to think if I have BPD too, I always seem to get what I need/make people to do what I want them to do. I also know a Non could share some BPD traits after being with a BPD for a while.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the manipulated one, they always say the real manipulator is the one who manipulate you when you don't know s/he is manipulating you.

[Take2]

Reminds me of a song called "I Miss the Misery" by Halestorm.  It's a woman singing about how her boyfriend stayed and is now being nice and she misses his abuse, his yelling and her misery... .     I think what you are feeling is common - because you can get at least desensitized to the abuse. 

And really - at times, I think I have become addicted to it.  I hate it - but as with any anxiety producing event, it causes the adrenaline to flow.  After that happens over and over and over - I wonder if it is truly possible to become addicted to that feeling... .      thus why I am working out constantly right now and meditating... .    to focus myself away from that reaction and feel more calm/centered... .  

And manipulation?  I always try to stay on the look out for my ex's ability to manipulate me.  If I can pay attention to signs, I can control my own reaction and not have it escalate.  But he's a master at manipulation.  How he is able to catch me off guard with any little thing that makes him explode and causes me to get upset or surprised by it at all just blows me away... .  I shouldn't be surprised any more at anything he does or says to me but I realize it's me.

By remaining in any kind of contact with him just means that I continue to allow myself to be maniupated.  Because I know it will never stop.  Makes me so sad for him.  But I'm tired.  I don't want any more adrenaline.  I just want peace... .  

[morningagain]

for me, i think it is a desperate reaching for my identity.  i was so thoroughly engulfed with my wife, after a few years, all that i did and was was the singular idiot striving against all sanity and rationality to please her, help her, heal her, make her happy, and thereby restore the r/s to the early stages.

separated 5 months now, and i cannot recover my own identity.  i have not had contact with her for over a month, and prior to that it was on average one contact ever 2 to 3 weeks.

i can not concentrate, i am way too emotional, and i have occasional brief memory lapses.

I have been unable to reclaim my own identity, my productivity.  although i no longer live in constant excruciating turmoil, i do not function very well at work, and so much of my time is spent alone.  I have spent all of my adult life with someone, working for 'our' future - i would guess that is part of what was my identity - a big part.

i feel perpetually humiliated.  i frequently have the desire - very strong urge - to contact her - but i do not think it is an addiction to pain, i believe it is a powerful need to have back some kind of identity.  at least in part.  feels like i have been tossed out into the cold, and isolated.  it is difficult to keep going on, forcing myself into situations with people.

anyway, that is my two cents... .  

[FindingMe2011]

So my therapist told me I'm addicted to pain. I think she's right.

On a subconscious level yes. On a conscious level no. This is at the core of addiction. Here is the conflict that you are having, that shows in your words. Its how the mind (subconscious) protects the body (conscious). The subconscious sends signals to the conscious, we form thoughts, filter them, and behavior occurs. So what do you think  happens when our subconscious learns some things incorrectly? Understanding endorphins, dopamine, and the end results of adrenaline, can give you some insight, and how it applies to your life. Confusing for now, but keep pushing.


He will still go off me sometimes and be mean to me, he made me cry a couple times, even after we are no longer in a relationship, he still made me cry. I'm still used to apologize to him, and question him "why are you so MEAN to me? It doesn't matter what I do, I'm always doing something wrong! *cry*cry*cry*" He would be really mean,

Why, because he can, and his list of those whom accept this is short, I presume. On a subconscious level you feel this is what you deserve. A look into your FOO, may show a pattern to these feelings. It may not take the same exact path, but the end results are the same. The dance, is still the dance, even if we change the steps. Explore projection, it will give some insight on where he is coming from, its not a healthy place. Asking for even more space, seems appropriate. Someone needs to stop the dysfunction, chances are good, its not going to be him. This also is going to prohibit, what you are trying to do. Cleaning up your side of the fence.

but I would get what I want in the end from him anyways.

Your justification in engaging in this behavior, and your payoff. A staple in a dysfunctional/ immature r/s. You attempting detachment, shows that you no longer feel the payoff is worth it. Good for you.

Sometimes I start to think if I have BPD too, I always seem to get what I need/make people to do what I want them to do.

Everybody exhibits BPD traits at some point and time. Many of us have this thought, as we first start looking at ourselves. Trying to dig deep, into our own dysfunction ( for the first time) , and asking these tough questions, and the fact that you are here, is a clear indication your not. As you understand the illness, you will see with much more clarity, why this is.

I always seem to get what I need/make people to do what I want them to do. I also know a Non could share some BPD traits after being with a BPD for a while.

This line of thinking, and using the term non, will lead to blaming, and not taking responsibility for your part. There is no such thing as a non... .  I also took on pieces of her personality, but this is the results of an enmeshment of 2 people. Its unclear where one person starts, and ends. Explore the characteristics of a healthy r/s, more insight... .  This is also your subconscious survival skills at play. When in Rome, do as the Romans.

they always say the real manipulator is the one who manipulate you when you don't know s/he is manipulating you.

To win. Prove whats right. To be one up. In a healthier r/s, people dont walk in front or behind you, they are by your side, always. Not when it suits them, or create a facade... .  I wish you well, PEACE