me.myself. and the incredible hulk

[afterdeath]

update from my new years resolutions ... Im doing very well with working out and staying off fb... very happy to see my abs again ... but something is still wrong. i have been doing better with not thinking about my exBPDgf... or so i thought. that is until a trigger sets me off like a gun. i am finding new triggers everyday whether its friends getting married or coworkers having new babies ... everywhere i turn i am reminded of her. i find myself still referring to her as if she never went away and recently i have even been defending her. when a friends set me off via text and said a topic dealing with my exBPDgf daughter i completely lost it. i blew up ladder than the hulk and told her that topic was off limits . thing is i am not doing better i am barrelimg up the emotions in a powder keg ready to explode at boiling point to a rage tenser than an atom bomb. after i lost my cool my friend admitted to being scared of me and now being scared to set me off again.i do so well until i snap. ice been ruminating again... seeing old convos on fb and wondering wth happened . starting to imagine her with the other guy again sends me into a panic attack and berserker rage mode again ... i usually  use it as workout motivation but recent episodes have been happening at work... basically if i don't work myself dead tired the rage will bleed through eventually and i blow up like a yellowstone guiser ... .  i posted a thread earlier asking how to deal with it... .  i know how to deal with it bit am becoming scared at the intensity of these episodes ... i understand the disease i am just pissed off at the non logical ludicrousity  of it all... is this ok? anyone else feel this ? still  missing her on the bad days... these weddings don't help especially when i was supposed to be marrying her this year as well... .  blah ... .  still heartbroken i guess

[Jay08]

All part of the process, i went through the same crap.

My buddies will make jokes when im around, and i know why they do it, they think it helps me move on quicker, when in reality bringing it up brings back memories and makes me upset about the nasty things they say even though i know its true/same them too...

But, after awhile your good days will outnumber the bad ones.

Worked out today, feel great, good day of realizing her for what she is. Yesterday i found myself missing her. They fluctuate. Starting to see more good days in a row than bad ones. Guess time will eventually abolish the bad ones altogether. Just wait it out, and keep lifitng!

[afterdeath]

All part of the process, i went through the same crap.

My buddies will make jokes when im around, and i know why they do it, they think it helps me move on quicker, when in reality bringing it up brings back memories and makes me upset about the nasty things they say even though i know its true/same them too...

But, after awhile your good days will outnumber the bad ones.

Worked out today, feel great, good day of realizing her for what she is. Yesterday i found myself missing her. They fluctuate. Starting to see more good days in a row than bad ones. Guess time will eventually abolish the bad ones altogether. Just wait it out, and keep lifitng!

thanks jay will do... feels good to know i am not alone

[blurry]

 Im right there with you on this, waiting for her to break NC, missing her and thinking about her, wondering what im gonna say or do, if/when she ever breaks NC. Or wondering if she never does reach out, when and if ill ever get over this. Scariest part is i know i never felt this way about someone before, makes me wonder if ill ever feel close to this with someone ever again.

Better to have loved and lost isnt really cutting it for me right now, works in terms of my 2 ex wives, but for my BPD ex-fiancee, it isnt helping. Just started a new job this week (been through 3 jobs since Oct, with the moving back and forth with her) and gotta start hitting the gym next week, hopefully between the two, my mind will be too busy for her and i can focus on myself getting stronger.

[myself]

Are you talking with a T? That could really help.

Get some ideas from self-help books. About being calm and dealing with triggers.

Would writing in a journal help? Getting stuff out that way?

At work's a different story.

Maybe the first two options above would help with that.

Learning to set it aside until later, at least.

Anger is very common coming through something like this, as well as grieving. Too much can be a real problem though, for yourself and anyone else involved. Good for you reaching out trying to figure out how best to handle it. Here's hoping that you do.

[afterdeath]

i seem to be fine as long as i can stay busy and distracted but it's simply not possible to stay busy all the time.

fb is a horrible trigger ... i can't stop looking every once in a while  to see if she has updated her life. i actually only visit her sisters page since she deleted hers. her sister always writes cryptic status messages that i think May be geared toward my BPDex actions and it's her way to vent without my BPDex finding out.

what hurts the most is seeing new pictures of daughter sitting alone and never smiling anymore ... .  i can't help but feel like she still remembers me and misses me and i then start building the rage at the thought of my BPDex selfishness .

interesting fact... .  she deleted her Facebook and my replacement has seemingly disappeared from the social media website now himself . Im not blocked as i have a secret account ... they have both deactivated . intrigues me.

judging from the latest picture of daughter my BPDex appears to have moved in to a new home... probably with my replacement ... .  most times i don't care anymore but when Im sitting alone and triggered i just build the rage.

no time or money for a therapist ... .  this forum is my therapy now.

[afterdeath]

i seem to be fine as long as i can stay busy and distracted but it's simply not possible to stay busy all the time.

fb is a horrible trigger ... i can't stop looking every once in a while  to see if she has updated her life. i actually only visit her sisters page since she deleted hers. her sister always writes cryptic status messages that i think May be geared toward my BPDex actions and it's her way to vent without my BPDex finding out.

what hurts the most is seeing new pictures of daughter sitting alone and never smiling anymore ... .  i can't help but feel like she still remembers me and misses me and i then start building the rage at the thought of my BPDex selfishness .

interesting fact... .  she deleted her Facebook and my replacement has seemingly disappeared from the social media website now himself . Im not blocked as i have a secret account ... they have both deactivated . intrigues me.

judging from the latest picture of daughter my BPDex appears to have moved in to a new home... probably with my replacement ... .  most times i don't care anymore but when Im sitting alone and triggered i just build the rage.

no time or money for a therapist ... .  this forum is my therapy now.

also... it's only been 5 months since she replaced me and already living with him? makes me physically ill at the thought... but if that's the case... .  according to my cycles with her... .  the newness will quickly wear off... the honeymoon will end... and that poor sucker is in for hell...

can't say i feel bad for him... he shouldn't have been hitting on a woman with a ring in the first place... .  serves him right

just as i never shouldve involved myself with her when she just had a kid 3 months prior ... .  serves me right i guess