I received an SMS from her...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So I've not spoken with my ExBPD since around November last year and been totally no contact. Last night when I got home from the cinema, I received an SMS from her asking me if I had tried to call her. There was no way that I had tried to call her, as I was in the cinema and my phone was off... .   I went back and simply said no, I don't believe so. Nothing more. Then she came back and gave the time and date of the supposed call (which is when I was in the cinema... .  ) I checked my phone, and I hadn't accidentally dialled her or anything. Is this a) a freak occurence and her phone is playing up? b) Just a really poor excuse of making contact with me? She didn't even ask how I was doing or anything... .   It really put me in a bad mood, as I have been doing so well of putting her out of my mind. Then she comes out with that? I signed off simply saying hope you are well. Hopefully that is the best I could have done?

[Mistified247]

So I've not spoken with my ExBPD since around November last year and been totally no contact. Last night when I got home from the cinema, I received an SMS from her asking me if I had tried to call her. There was no way that I had tried to call her, as I was in the cinema and my phone was off... .   I went back and simply said no, I don't believe so. Nothing more. Then she came back and gave the time and date of the supposed call (which is when I was in the cinema... .  ) I checked my phone, and I hadn't accidentally dialled her or anything. Is this a) a freak occurence and her phone is playing up? b) Just a really poor excuse of making contact with me? She didn't even ask how I was doing or anything... .   It really put me in a bad mood, as I have been doing so well of putting her out of my mind. Then she comes out with that? I signed off simply saying hope you are well. Hopefully that is the best I could have done?

[TheWind]

just answer "no" one time then be done with it. they put the feelers out there every once in a while to see if you may be available for recycling.  A short negative answer then ignoring them should make it clear.

[j4c]

This sounds like a possible attempt at a recycle. Probably stemming from her loneliness.

Youre doing really well if u youve gone two months NC. And you also handled the random sms situation well too. She asked a question and you replied, no harm done.

If youre tempted in a recycle just remember that nothing will have changed. If shes a pwBPD she.ll still be the same miserable, shame-filled person that let you down before.

How do you feel about this contact attempt? 2 months NC is great but I imagine everythings still quite fresh in your memory. I used to pray for a recycle in the first few months. Its been nearly 9 months now n the thought of a recycle with her makes me screw my face up! Shes an emotionally sick woman and I see that clearly now.

My advise would be to tread very carefully here. Remember how great youve done to go 2 months NC. Take care and keep us updated.

[Mistified247]

I just find it strange. If she wanted a recycle wouldn't she simply ask me how I am doing? She knows that I wanted to stay friends, but basically I don't think she did or could handle it. I guess she was using this idea to try to get me to start asking her how she is doing etc? I have switched back to NC now, and hopefully she will leave me alone. Thanks for the advice guys, it is just as I thought... .  

The thought of her loneliness upsets me alot, but I know that she will never change and I need to move on.

[Faded]

She is probably still ruminating about the break up in all honesty.

Maybe thinking you will call within time and possibly befriend her.

Or maybe she is struggling with the split.

Doesnt sound like she made any demands of any nature.

Because is struggling to accept the break up or how it happened and maybe thinking you would contact her at some stage... .  She missed an incoming call from a with-held number. Her 1st thoughts are 'is ex trying to contact me'


Youve probably hurt her unintentionally and in no way your fault or meaning to do so, but im sure she thought it was you who was the missed call. When told no from you it probably stung her as much as it stung you.

Unless further contact from this one time occurs i wouldnt worry to much, just seeit as a test of your own strength and emotional stability.

[almost789]

I think you did good, short and sweet. I think she was throwing some bait to see how you respond to her for a possible recycle.

[bpdspell]

Mystified 24/7,  

When our BPD's make indirect, round about contact it's best to not fall into the trap of "what are they thinking/what's their motive?" The most important question is: what do you want? Do you want contact? You mentioned being friends but a friendship with a untreated BPD will trigger the both of you. Clearly you aren't fully recovered from the fall out so I recommend that you continue to give yourself the time and space you need to heal properly.

When there's been a significant amount of silence between the two of you of course they'll wonder why you aren't crawling on your elbows and knees or caving in to their every whim and need. In many ways they know when they've lost their power to control and manipulate you and will make attempts to see our reaction through indirect contact. All you need to remember is that she's the same sick  person, incapable of making amends because of her disorder.

Keep the focus and the spotlight of healing on you.

Spell

[happiness68]

Yes, it sounds to me like she's trying to recycle.  Since you know you didn't call, she definitely doesn't have a missed call from you, so it's the only possible explanation.  As Spell said, work on you.  You're doing really well if you're two months into the NC.  I'm in month three of the break up but just in month two of the no contact and I know how far I've come.  You sound even stronger.  Keep up the good work.  You're doing really well 

[Mistified247]

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies, it's difficult really. She seemed to be poking me for information, and trying to figure out what I am up to. I know she blames my family for the break up (she seems to think her not getting on with them, or wanting anything to do with them is why we broke up). Whilst a valid reason, it was not the sole reason. She has been using me as a doormat, and a live in therapist effectively. I think that's why alot of us end up at breaking point, especially when they don't seek help and lean on you.

We exchanged a few other texts about work, cordial, and I didn't give her any ground. Just wished her luck and talk soon. Hope that's the right thing to do. I feel like I can't just ignore her after 5 years of a serious relationship, but at the same time I am trying to block out her emotionally charged messages and any possible attempts at manipulation. It's so strange after discovering what was going on with her, and becoming a member of this board, you now read her messages and it is clear as day what she is trying to do. A word here, a snipe there... .  

I've made alot of progress since we broke up around 6 months ago, and I have become alot happier. I am not quite the shell of me, but I know I am still not 100% back to my old self. But I am getting there.

It makes me feel badly because I have the support of my friends and family, and she is all on her own. She is obviously missing the company, but at the same time, I don't think she really loved me for who I am (which would include friends and family). People come in all shapes and sizes, but at the end of the day you shouldn't have to change yourself to accomodate somebody else's warped feelings and viewpoints.

Thanks for listening,

Mistifed

[happiness68]

Hang onto those thoughts Mistified247 - you're doing really well.  Slowly slowly.

[struggli]

Mistified, I think you and I are on about the same timeline.  I'm at the 6 month mark since the most recent breakup, 2 months NC on my end. 

In previous recycles I have experienced the following:

My ex has called me and hung up.  I call back and she says her phone was malfunctioning calling random numbers at will.  I say OK, bye.  Later when we get back together, she admits she did it on purpose.

Since this most recent breakup, she has texted me at about one or two month intervals things like:

"You should read this book... .  I think you'd like it."

"Here are some images if you needed any ideas for... .  "

"I just read this book, it's great, you should read it."

But, in previous recycles, she has said things like:

"What do you think about this topic?  I watched a documentary on it and it was very interesting."

All the previous times she did it, I'd engage in a dialogue with her and ultimately we'd get back together.  But I started to notice the dialogue never acknowledged ANYTHING serious.  It was just a segway to get me back without dealing with all the problems of before.  She never asked "How are you?" or "I made a serious mistake with leaving you" or even "I'm sorry."

And I think that means something.  I used to think it was because she was maybe a little embarrassed, trying to save face and tell me that she loved me without groveling, but I think she just doesn't want to deal with anything.  She just wants to take me off the shelf and play with me again.

So, I think recycle attempts can be very indirect.  This is probably not what you want Mistified.  My ex texted me just a little over a week ago after 2 months of silence.  I have not responded.  You are doing good in not responding.

To be honest, if she was banging on my door and on her knees saying she couldn't live without me and that she'd do anything to make everything OK, I might say "let's give it a try."  But with these bread crumb attempts to get our attention, it's a sign, I think.  It's immature and vague, kind of the like our ex's whole schema of a relationship.

[Phoenix.Rising]

... but I think she just doesn't want to deal with anything.  She just wants to take me off the shelf and play with me again.

This is probably close to the truth. 

She doesn't have the emotional capacity, lacking therapeutic intervention, to offer more than this.  My ex rarely broached deeper emotional territory.  If I tried to venture into it, she almost always made a very quick detour.

And in my experience, a recycle was more of the same, except worse.