will validating his feelings that we are different, makehim leave?

[Not normal]

Ive posted on the undecided n now the staying board.

A raging hb whom probably married me based on sexual reasons,sexual struggling to stay on with me and s3, as im less sexual these days.

He uses the threat of divorce to scare me into giving in.

N after setting boundaries of 1 householdchore, he is following the new rules n everytime he irons, he thinksthat hes a bachelor again n that i dun improve his life in anyway.

Hence leaving me is best.

I suspect BPD suffers cant deal with change too well.

I shot myself in the foot by being too good of a lover , mother, housewife, that im burntout and setting these boundaries arent going well with him.

We re not talking. Hetold me countless times im a housemate he hates sharing the apartment with... .

I want to believe that he is currently scaring me by not talkingn showing signs tha he's leaving... .

What to do now?

Is he leaving?

Is it a scare tactic?

Do i validate his feelings?

He wont talk or touch me.

He gets cross if i touch him.

I think its difficult as he doesnt talk much to me as he's convinced that im evil and selfish... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Welcome to the Staying Board, it sounds like this is the right board for you.  Have you read the staying board lessons yet?  If not, that's a great place to start. 

A few key things to remember are that boundaries are really about how you define and protect yourself, not really rules for him to follow.  And, we validate emotions, not facts.  So, you can acknoweldge he feels angry (or whatever) because that is true, even if you don't agree with, or even understand, why he feels angry.  You can validate that he feels unhappy and still not agree with him that he is unhappy because you are the selfsh and evil (which is not true). 

During silent treatments, its best to give him space and carry on with your life.  It's a common manipulation, as are threats of divorce.  Keep us posted.

[Chosen]

Hi Not normal,



Actually, your situation is normal when you're in a relationship with a pwBPD.  First, the threats.  They use threats as a means of control.  They don't know other healthy ways of expressing what they want/ need, so they threaten to try to get their way.  My H threatens divorce a lot too, he will say there's no point of us being married if I am _____ (I get a lot of "selfish" accusations too).  And then he will switch, saying he's the only one giving up himself in the marriage, and if that means we can stay together, then so be it.  Basically, this script is always running in his head.

briefcase is right.  Try reading the Lessons.  They're not magic tools that will make our problems go away, but they help.  And first of all, you must take care of yourself.  You have a son, which means you will need to be mentally and physically well to take care of him.

We're all in this together.  Hope you'll stay around and post some more.

[Not normal]

Thanks briefcase, n chosen,

I hold your positive words closely in my heart.

Its such a bad mental illness that the easy way out is to give up n move on.

I will learn the lessons as i dont understand the tools n use them incorrectly... .

I came home from work late tonight n was surprised to see him at home having eaten the dinner he made.

Thankfully , son ran up to dad with glee n that made him happy... .

Went to bed n he said he waited for me  to talk but i was a no show... .

I explained that i didnt receive the text he claimed he sent... .

This isnt the first time he claims imaginary texts sent... .

Tried to hold his hand but nope, back to the same unhappy camper... .

I ll just shut up n let him have his space

[Not normal]

The hardesr part is blocking out divorce threats n convincing yourself that they are not true... .

[Chosen]

The hardesr part is blocking out divorce threats n convincing yourself that they are not true... .

Unfortunately, we can't force them to say/ not say certain things, unless it is purely out of their own choice.

I think for myself, facing BPD (although H's not diagnosed) has changed my view of the world.  I have now come to accept that I can't change his mind about anything, and if he does want a divorce, he will go ahead with that.  And if he's just saying it and not taking action, then I consider him not wanting a divorce.  In the past, I wrongly thought that it was by my pleading and apologies that changed his mind; now I know that I was just playing a role in his script.

[Not normal]

The update is that the same thing is playing out again. After a month or so.

If I'm part of the script he writes in his head... . this time it really depends on him and if he wrote the story that I was to exit.

I wrote a text to him to express some love and will carry on my days as usual.

I guess its too late now and begging will not work?

He's not wearing his ring... this is the first time... . my gf said its another scare tactic...

I can't help to feel helpless and my son is on the receiving end... .

[123Phoebe]

Hi Not Normal,

Sorry to hear you're experiencing another go around with your H   I agree with your friend that not wearing his ring could be a scare tactic.  What's most likely happening is that he's scared by the changes you're making, i.e., not begging   You're doing something different and he's not used to it.  He'll get used to it but not without a lot of fanfare first.  It gets worse before it gets better... . a lot better, so that's the bright side!

How's your son doing and what is he on the receiving of?

[Not normal]

Thanks 123phoebe,

I'm not begging and the last few episodes I've been ending the confrontation by saying show me legal documents if not I will not leave the house. And even if he does, I will not sign them as I'm not quitting in this marriage... he replies then what's the point of him finding documents?

He feels trapped and wants to exit this life with me as I'm his source of hatred and because of me, he's angry everyday. My mistake is to engage n don't know how to defuse this anger.

I asked him if he met someone exactly like me, but it was shown in the first place when they met, he can live with it. Because in his head , my preferences changed so much, he feels cheated by it all. And I can't explain to him overwise... . I say that things are not true ... .

My son now questions why we re shouting... and I see the overall negative effect on him... . I wonder if he thinks this is normal ?

I can't use any tools as its silent treatment n seperation time. The last time it took him 3 weeks of silence before wanting to talk... . and he did send that SMS but I did not receive it. He even wrote that he screwed up. That was a first...

I wished that were true this time, I feel like he's acting more smuck this time.

Laughing at my words and telling me to leave as I'm making a fool of myself.

New tactic? Or serious this time ?

[waverider]

Did I miss something? Why is he telling you to leave? Why is he not leaving if it is his decision?

Back away from the splitting arguments, as long as it is triggering a response it will stay as a "go to" means for projecting his misery onto you. If it becomes a case of either he stays or goes with no fanfare and drum roll from you the less appeal it will have as a drama tool. Of course the more you back away from that the harder he will try to drag you back into the issue, so stick to it.

Ultimately you can't control whether he stays or goes, thats his call. Your job is to make the best of your life as it is. With him, or without him. Work out your potential options, not that you need to take them, it just adds clarity and reduces any feelings of being trapped without choices.

[Not normal]

We don't own the house. He's a foreigner in my home country and the company pays for it. Doesn't help that my folks live closeby. He's been trying to move both me and my son away when we are the ones whom are needy.

Thanks for your advice, having a backup plan is he smart choice.

My mistake is encouraging drama.

It happens when I ask him a question which he wants to disagree ,he supports his argument by circling around a few small points.( bad things about me, that he has been tolerating )

when my question doesn't get answered or when this starts to happen, do i validate then announce that I do not want to circle the past events and just walk away ?

He would say things like past determines future and how will I ever get what I want in life when I bring up something important to me only to be rejected by him all the time?

Once he said no , I can't do it as its a direct order from him and if I do it or decide for myself, he will bring up all sorts of nasties... .

[waverider]

Once he said no , I can't do it as its a direct order from him and if I do it or decide for myself, he will bring up all sorts of nasties... .

Who gave him authority to say that his decision is law?

If he brings up nasties why is that you problem?

Words are just words.

[Not normal]

He gave himself authority n threatens to divorce if I don'follow. Or if I want something.

He won't allow money spent on things I want.