not a BPD issue but an issue nonetheless

[Jagged]

If this would go better somewhere else, feel free to move it. It's not roted in my H's suspected bd, but it's a potential marriage issue, and I'm sure you all know any marriage issue when your spouse has BPD traits needs to be approached differently than it might be in another marriage.

It really has more to do with my own stuff... .  while I wouldn't describe it as black and white, I have really strong views on certain things, recreational drug use on my property or in my presence being one of them. I don't mean to insult anyone here, or start a debate on this, I am just looking for advice on how to proceed with this without acting in a controlling way.

I have a really big problem with the fact that one of my uBDh's clse friends has had an increasing use of recreational drugs, and while he used to respect my rules about keeping it away from us, he isn't. Some background info- my fil did jailtime, in our small (tiny) town for dealing marijuana, and the police all remember. A big issue with this is that my H doesn't view drugs the same as I do, though he doesn't do them himself. Another big issue is that guilt by association is a huge concern, given who his father was.

Last night, apparently his friend (who now deals as well) was doing drugs at our house, which is a really big problem for me. I have no idea how to approach this, short of telling my H he can't have this friend over without a promise to follow this rule. He's not big on confronting his friend, and I am not big on telling him what he can and can't do with his time. It's my H's house, too.

I'm really in need of a way to approach this without starting a needless fight, when things have been going really well here for a while. Advice? Please?

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[tryingtogetit]

My take is that you do have a right to make an issue of it.

If you don't want it, you don't want it. And it's only in your own home that you can control your surroundings.

How to bring this is another matter of course.

Clearly it's not only a moral issue but also a legal one. Unfortunately some confronting will have to be done but you can bring it in different ways. You can express your concern for the background, where it will lead, not wanting anything bad happening etc.

You can tell your husband you just don't want it in your house but if he must he's free to go to the friends house. If that doesn't work confront the friend yourself, in a firm collected manner ideally.

In my experience dope users hate hassle, so generally they're willing to shift to elsewhere, they just need a reason to. What kind of reason is up to the person.

Try comparing this with something else you wouldn't want, say abusive language or violence, loud music at night. It's not controlling to set a boundary of what you would tolerate in your space. It would be controlling if you forbid your husband to ... .  outside of your company. You are home, do not have the option to remove yourself when this 'friend' comes over, you are allowed to set a rule.

A recurring theme is 'not wanting to start a fight just when things are going well'. Guilty myself! But we nons tend to forget that because it was alright for a while and they sense our reluctance to fight, BPDs start feeling comfortable to test the boundaries just to see what we'd do.

But for your own piece of mind, rehearse what you'd say so you're really comfortable and sure about it. And stay calm but firm.

Good luck!

[yeeter]

Hi jagged,

A couple thoughts.

This is a basic boundary.  Get really clear with yourself about just how important it is to you.  It is a very rational and reasonable boundary (IMO, but that doesn't matter at all, what matters is where YOU stand on it)

Then think all the way through what your actions will be if your husband continues to allow his friend to do drugs on your property (ie. Cross the boundary).  Remember you can only follow through on items that are completely in your own control. (like calling the cops and reporting if/when it happens)

The rest will be the easy part - communicating to him how you feel and what your actions will be.  You might try a DEARMAN approach to request the change. (have JADE and SET ready for the ensuing dialog).  But the hard part is deciding what you actions will be if he doesn't support you on it - start with that, and prepare to follow through.

[Jagged]

Thank you both for replying. Sorry it took so long to get back on about this, and thank you, but things get pretty hectic with everything, as I am sure you know.

Another reason I haven't been back is that I have been waiting to see how exactly this plays out. I ha this conversation with him, I made it clear that I would not hesitate to phone the police on our friend, because even though I really like him, I would not stand for anything illegal happening on my property. He took that pretty well. I tried using DEARMAN, and at first it sounded really formulaic, so I abandoned sticking to the letters, and just kept the idea behind DEARMAN as we talked about it. I think he mostly agreed, or was at least expecting it.

He's been avoiding talking to this friend since, however, altogether, I think as a way to avoid having to discuss our boundaries about this with him. I'm not really sure what is going to happen next about this, since uBPDh normally has all these friends over on an almost weekly basis, sometimes twice a week.

He's been really dysregulated lately, and I am not sure why (normally there's an obvious trigger when it lasts more than a few hours) so maybe it's best it hasn't come back up since. I'd hate to have him decide not to back me on it anymore because he's in one of his moods.

[tryingtogetit]

Well done setting this boundary Jagged!

I think you were right to stick to the idea of DEARMAN but using it in a way that felt most natural to you.

It sounds that for him this might mean quite an adjustment, both the boundary and you setting it.

So hopefully he'll mull it over and then get used to it.

All the best, great work and thanks for the update!