Forgiving Physical Abuse

[Mike76]

My uBPDw has physically assaulted me, but never physically left physical wounds.  (She has punch, hit, and shoved me several times. )  I have always been told by her, it was my fault and I made it happened.

Finally last week while we were at marriage counseling the subject came up.  My wife even said there if I controlled the other things better (family issues, life issues) the abuse would not have happened.  That when she would hit me, she wanted to get her point across, but would calculate the hit to cause the biggest impact, least damage.

Long story short, my wife still talks about have babies and a full life together. I often think even if we work together and she gets DBT therpy, etc, Things might be better.  Yes, people can get better with BPD or this staying board is a waste of time.

I have one question, I know some of the things that have happened I can forgive and move one.  The one issue I worry the most about is never forgive the physical abuse.  I worry that I will never speak my mind, and\or never forget the fear that I have had at times from my wife.  Has any here that has experienced physical abuse themselves, get the point point in which years later the can forgive enough to produce a family with this person... .  

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[Rockylove]

I've only once experienced physical abuse... .  not from my current bf... .  and ex.  It had to end as I felt that was a breaking point and there was no going back.  I was raised to believe that God forgives all... .  I'm not more powerful than God so I should forgive as well.  What I cannot do is forget.  I was terrified and I will never allow that to be a part of my life.  My current bf knows this and knows well that I will walk away and never look back.  I wish you the strength to do whatever it is that you need to do to take care of yourself.

[elemental]

my BPD has hit his ex. Slapped her.

Last spring he was visiting his kids and his ex grabbed his cell phone and found he had locked it because she will go through it otherwise. She wanted to see what he had been saying to me. She demanded he unlock it, he refused, so she ordered him to leave.

Which he tried to but she jumped on him at the door trying to physically pull him back and he tried to get him off her and finally slapped her. She let go then.

So the story goes, and he was very upset when it happen, upset with himself and her.

I told him, maybe best to stay away a while, and he agreed.

He's never lifted a hand in my direction. I would not ever forget him doing it and the relationship ( such as it is right now haha) would be done for good.

I think once that line is crossed, it tends to get crossed again.

If your wife has no remorse and is blaming you, likely until she takes on her responsibility... .  she will do it again. 

[Blazing Star]

My wife even said there if I controlled the other things better (family issues, life issues) the abuse would not have happened. 

if your wife had controlled herself the abuse would never have happened. What was the Therapist's response to this?

I have one question, I know some of the things that have happened I can forgive and move one.  The one issue I worry the most about is never forgive the physical abuse.  I worry that I will never speak my mind, and\or never forget the fear that I have had at times from my wife.  Has any here that has experienced physical abuse themselves, get the point point in which years later the can forgive enough to produce a family with this person... .  

It sounds like you are feeling like you can't express yourself. I have been there, and in me this feeling led to such resentment.

What would happen if you expressed this in Therapy?

I have been able to forgive my partner for his aggression (not physical with me directly, holes in doors, walls etc), because there came a point where I let him know that this was no longer acceptable for me, that I would leave if it continued. And he realised what that would mean and he got help, and he hasn't acted that way since. So yes, he has changed, we both have.

Love Blazing Star

[Mike76]

My wife even said there if I controlled the other things better (family issues, life issues) the abuse would not have happened. 

if your wife had controlled herself the abuse would never have happened. What was the Therapist's response to this?

Although I mentioned at the first session it took until session number 4 until the physical abuse to be discussed. I was frustrated up to this point because I thought the therapist was not going to address this.   Well at the forth session, it was addressed, and  I thought rather well.  I was able to let me wife know this is a deal breaker for me(the therapist even helped me be clear about this).  My wife said, "well if this and that, did not happen first",  the therapist said, "not a good answer", you can not blame on issues your actions.   I finally got then got my first minor apology, from my wife.  It is going to took more of a apology from my wife to get passed this, and then the actions are going to need to speak so much more than the words.

I keep thinking to myself, if we address before got married "What happens if?"  I would be long gone.

I often pray to see if I am already lost, and can not recover.

It sounds like you are feeling like you can't express yourself. I have been there, and in me this feeling led to such resentment.

What would happen if you expressed this in Therapy?

The therapist also address this is going to part of the problem, she let my wife know this is part of the problem and this are going to need to change.  It's going to be a long road ahead of us.


All that being said, I thought I would feel better about everything, I have been waiting to have a session like the last one with the therapist and my wife for years.   I do not feel any better, in fact I am scare, maybe it is not my time when I can begin to really change.

or

I found out, that when I heard what I was hoping to for so long, it is too little too late and I am not able to forgive.

What I am hoping to hear from this post, is someone out there, that has had physical abuse. Never serious abuse just light punch, push, shove, hit, with no remorse and told it was (the non's) fault for years later.  That have therapy, and treatment you were about to forgive your spouse enough have a decent marriage. 

Yes, it takes work on both our parts, but if you even have a slight fear you are going to hit it changes everything.  I worry that even if I get counseling myself(which I am),  I am always going to be fearful or saying the correct thing.   I also worry as "blazing star" said, that due to resentment I was never feel comfortable expressing myself.

I am really to hear from someone on this leaving board that has had some type of  physical abuse, that has forgiven there BPD loved one, and can go onto a respectable marriage. 

[owdrs]

Mike,

I'm married 21 yrs. Kids s19 d15. Once there is physical (any for that matter) abuse it always taints interactions. That's what I find. Because it comes back, even if it's months or years, and it affects my actions.

I also found that I would escalate along with uBPDw early on. I just didn't know what was going on. I never had the kind of fights like this before. I learned to 'take' it without adding extra provocation. But what life is that? But that's a huge worry now--that she can get me to escalate too, or she can accuse me.

My experience is once you face that rage, you never forget it. You now know what happens when she gets mad, so you do all you can to avoid it, which changes you, but also... .  you can't avoid it. It's not from you, it's in them. I saw this when my kids came along. I didn't know for sure if I was a 'bad' partner, but when she treated the kids badly then I realized it's her. And it's been in every relationship she's had.

Lastly, my w knew she had to stop the physical attacks (which occurred in front of my kids too), and I would threaten to call police. So she has tried. But I feel it in some fights--that she wants to hit me. And... .  there are times when she still does. It's always there--the threat of extreme violence. Let me also add that there have been times when she leaves the bedroom in frustration (after maybe hours of raging at me) and I cannot go to sleep because I just don't know if she will come back and try to really hurt me.

Oh, and the apologies that follow. Each time she is soo sorry. But soon, days or weeks, we argue, and she goes into how its my fault she is so angry. And I know the rages are never going to go away.

owdrs

[yeeter]

I worry that I will never speak my mind, and\or never forget the fear that I have had at times from my wife. 

Trauma is trauma.  And abuse traumatizes.  I have never been physically attacked by my wife, but she has threatened my life (she threatened to run us into a wall when driving) early on in the relationship.

Its been over 10 years now, and I have never forgotten it.  It is still there in the back of my mind and I still believe to this day that, when deregulated, she is capable of following through with it.  So the fear is still there, and yes it affects the relationship (there were a few times I locked my bedroom door to feel safe - whether rational in that circumstance or not the trauma was there and I felt compelled to do it).

What drove it home to me was when I went to the doctor and they asked the routine question:  do you feel safe at home?  I couldnt give an automatic 'yes' - it required a little more explanation.  Over 10 years later.

Its no bargain to live with someone you have underlying fear of.  AND - using fear as a control point could very easily cascade into parenting style.  At which time you have a much much bigger problem on your hands.

The fact that she put it back on YOU as responsible for it, is classic.  'you deserved getting hit'. 

Unacceptable in every way.