Questioning JOY/Happiness in life, due to mirror/idealization of your BPD gf/bf?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was wondering how people here tackle the question of refound joy/happiness in life while in the process of detaching of BPD.

As for my own example;

When I first met my gf w BPD I didn't realize that she didn't specifically have any of own interest. She mirrored/idealized everything I did. I read a book of an known author, she did that too. I was watching Dexter and Family Guy, she started to do that 2. I liked to go to the movies, she started to like that to. I liked to do sudoku's, she started to like that too. As we moved in together she started to copy all the little and big things I liked to do on my daily routine. So for example, I came back from work and had a stressed day, I had to 'unload' stress and was either going for a run, eat something, watch something, but all occasions I was doing, she started to mirror. Every ... .  single ... thing.

And now since our r/s is blown to smithereens ... .  I can't get seem to detach from her as I have no specific things to do, which DO NOT remind me of my gf w BPD.

How do you detach from that? 

I question my own joy and happiness on a daily basis as I do not 'find' these 2 anymore on a daily routine.

[HarmKrakow]

I was wondering how people here tackle the question of refound joy/happiness in life while in the process of detaching of BPD.

As for my own example;

When I first met my gf w BPD I didn't realize that she didn't specifically have any of own interest. She mirrored/idealized everything I did. I read a book of an known author, she did that too. I was watching Dexter and Family Guy, she started to do that 2. I liked to go to the movies, she started to like that to. I liked to do sudoku's, she started to like that too. As we moved in together she started to copy all the little and big things I liked to do on my daily routine. So for example, I came back from work and had a stressed day, I had to 'unload' stress and was either going for a run, eat something, watch something, but all occasions I was doing, she started to mirror. Every ... .  single ... thing.

And now since our r/s is blown to smithereens ... .  I can't get seem to detach from her as I have no specific things to do, which DO NOT remind me of my gf w BPD.

How do you detach from that? 

I question my own joy and happiness on a daily basis as I do not 'find' these 2 anymore on a daily routine.

[nolisan]

My ex didn't like many of the things that bring me joy - I guess I am lucky. I have re engaged in them after putting them aside during my time with her.

It looks like you may need to find some new activities - just doing something new is going to be good (ie distracting and healing)

Best of luck

I was wondering how people here tackle the question of refound joy/happiness in life while in the process of detaching of BPD.

As for my own example;

When I first met my gf w BPD I didn't realize that she didn't specifically have any of own interest. She mirrored/idealized everything I did. I read a book of an known author, she did that too. I was watching Dexter and Family Guy, she started to do that 2. I liked to go to the movies, she started to like that to. I liked to do sudoku's, she started to like that too. As we moved in together she started to copy all the little and big things I liked to do on my daily routine. So for example, I came back from work and had a stressed day, I had to 'unload' stress and was either going for a run, eat something, watch something, but all occasions I was doing, she started to mirror. Every ... .  single ... thing.

And now since our r/s is blown to smithereens ... .  I can't get seem to detach from her as I have no specific things to do, which DO NOT remind me of my gf w BPD.

How do you detach from that? 

I question my own joy and happiness on a daily basis as I do not 'find' these 2 anymore on a daily routine.

[Omniverse]

Am not sure if this will help, but how about you create a bucket list and segment that into something you may want to try once and things you may wanna do regularly (albeit new things). I am presently compiling such a list, after chancing upon 'Make it count' Nike ads in Youtube - in a weird way, it is fuelling my desire to find out about life and enrich myself. After all, we only live once - and we live and learn from all experiences, even heart wrenching ones like BPD.

[HarmKrakow]

A bucket list.

Am not sure if this will help, but how about you create a bucket list and segment that into something you may want to try once and things you may wanna do regularly (albeit new things). I am presently compiling such a list, after chancing upon 'Make it count' Nike ads in Youtube - in a weird way, it is fuelling my desire to find out about life and enrich myself. After all, we only live once - and we live and learn from all experiences, even heart wrenching ones like BPD.

Bucket list! Yes! Good idea

[freshlySane]

Comic Books i use to love comics when we met she said she loved them too but was embarrassed to read them we went to comic con and i felt so happy i got ridiculed every day for being a nerd by friends . i stopped reading because when said i was not adult enough she wanted an adult r/s

now i read them she is in to her new guy and she is all about the Marines and warriors like he is i realize she just mirrored me i am rekindling my passion for things i love and working on loving me loving me despite what others think helps you to define you

[Changed4safety]

My interest and my ex's completely overlapped before we even met.  I did notice that rather than mirroring me, he would try to get me to mirror HIM.  He introduced me to X, Y or Z... .  and had introduced his ex to them... .  and is doubtless doing that to the new one.  He actually seemed to resist mirroring me, trying to make me be more like him than the other way around.  Pretty much the only thing I've noticed deviating from the normal "patterns" many cite here--perhaps it's his way of getting validation? 

My problem is, my whole life I have become what someone else wanted me to be to a large extent--so I don't know what I "like".  I need to find out. 

[seeking balance]

Bucket list is a great idea and it does work.

Some things will get easier with time - ie - TV shows... .  but it does take some time. 

I actually started watching some new shows with one of my best friends to create new memories - we do dinner and TV most Sundays for the last couple years.

Pick a big goal "to do".  Whether it backpack across Europe or join a book club - something new.  Give yourself a plan and a deadline to do it.  It will help.

Peace,

SB

[Consumed]

That sounds like my situation. At first, I asked her what she likes to do and she said I just like to make the people in my life happy?. She wanted to do what I was doing. I have hobbies of playing guitar and racing motorcycles. 1st 6 months she was into it. and wanted her 4 yr old (at the time) son into it too. Then she started to resent me going racing. We would camp and have a great weekend. Then it was almost exactly 6 months into the r/s and she snapped for the 1st time in the middle of walmart.  And at that moment is when all foreword progress stopped. I thought someone else took over her body. I didn't even recognize her and she was right next to me. The honeymoon was over!. Now 2 years later and I am a few days broke up and it has been the worst 2 years of my life. She not only was vindictive if I partisipated in any of my hobbies, she wanted me to just lay on the couch and isolated with her. Laying on the couch and in bed was her hobby. I think I may have a little different thought on the hobbies she mirrored. I think they were things I enjoyed and there maybe memories of doing them with her, but I owned the enjoyment of them before she came along and she can't have them, nor does she want them. I gotta attach the enjoyment I had before her back to them activities I did and do. She took my self-esteem and confidence, any care for my own well-being, and even took my anger and left me with sadness and anxiety. I am just starting and am scared of caving in or wondering what she's doing, but i didn't today and that's a good thing. I guess time will tell if things that remind me of her effect me to where I don't want to do them. I think getting back with friends (and apologizing for cutting them out of my life for the past 2 yrs) should be a priority of mine. I hope I can do this. Thank you!