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Cardinals in Flight
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« on: February 02, 2013, 10:53:12 AM » |
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Today marks the one year anniversary that my pwBPD/gf ended our romantic relationship via email.
It was, needless to say, a very difficult and emotionally gut wrenching time.
A huge THANK YOU! to this board, for the help, support and guidance from the many wise people here. I think I've come out on the other side with wider eyes, an entirely new chamber of my heart revealed, and a much greater appreciation for the little things in life. I continue to learn from others and their travels through BPD land. I have a great admiration for each precious soul who chooses to open up and share their pain and intimate details of their lives.
We started in true BPD fashion only 15 months prior to that ending. I'd never felt the way I felt with her, it was awesome, she IS awesome and while getting to really know her this past year, post break-up, so many things have become crystal clear. And soo many things are still a quagmire of muddled issues from the broken childhood to the present day life full of self-doubt.
From my own self-inventory, I added fuel to the fire with my issues of co-dependency, and have worked hard to understand why the r/s ended with my help. During this time, and even before, journaling is something that I do regularly. When my T suggested going back to read my journal entries during the time of the relationship, I saw all of the red flags that I'd ignored and it was as though a light bulb had shone brightly on my then g/f. The changes in how I was treated, the patterns of impending melt-downs and rages were glaringly obvious, to someone 'in the know'. It was terribly painful to read sometimes, the highs, the lows, the "WTH was that?" moments, but it was also beneficial.
In the effort to continue with forward motion on my part, I'm burning those journals today. I no longer need to read how right before a significant event my pwBPD will begin to withdraw and become edgy and angry. I no longer need to read that after a time where we are super close emotionally, having a wonderful time, that she will pull away to regulate herself before coming back to resume our 'unship'. For you see? she has also had her own road of self-discovery and the progress has been huge. She knows she needs time to regulate, I know that I need to detach, each to our corner as a prize fighters! And I'm a fighter! I love her fiercely and unconditionally. I love her broken, flawed and just as she is. She is intelligent, intuitive, soulful, funny, talented in ways that I am not. I know she loves me, intelligent, intuitive, soulful, flawed and talented in ways she is not, in the normal, 'non' world, we'd be a perfect match. There are no mushy, googly eyed, adoring conversations as in the BPD beginning, and to me that is sad because I'm the type to do that, *big eye roll*, but what there is now is more real, both of us have a more realistic idea of what the other is about, and there is love... . sometimes I say it, sometimes she says it, but always she shows it when words escape her.
Detaching with love, it's been the single most important concept to embrace. Loosening the grip of fear, trusting myself and my gut with all it's new BPD lessons and knowledge. All of this has also been instrumental as I start a new chapter in my life. And so, if I'm beginning a new chapter in my life, it's only fit to let go of the old journals, and begin a new one with new experiences! I'll make mistakes, hopefully forgive myself and move forward. I'll make mistakes and have ups and downs in my unship with my pwBPD, maybe we will move forward, maybe we will not. Wherever my journey takes me though, it will be with new awareness, both in heart and mind.
I am truly a ... . Cardinal in Flight, no longer, Nurseratchet
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