why do I obsess & assume that people dont like me or are mad at me?

[poodlemom]

I hate this about myself! I can literally pull someone nearly out of thin air & make up reasons in my mind why they probably hate me and then ruminate about it and think of ways to show them I'm a nice person. Gah! I'm pathetic! Even people I really have had nothing more than a very minor peripheral rs with. I always assume I'm at fault or that I've done something to anger someone. It wears me out! What should I care if the mother of one of my daughter's former friends may not like me? I'm not even sure she does! I just assume it. I'm sure she doesn't waste time wondering if I like her... .

I don't know why I do this to myself. I even do it regarding the teenage girls on the high school dance team I coach. I find myself going to great lengths trying to win their approval only to find that when I actually have to enforce the rules and go "coach" on them, they're mad at me anyway. They forget all the good things I've done for them above and beyond just being their coach. It's like I think ppl can't like me just for me. They can only like me if I'm killing myself trying to make them. I am so much better about this than I used to be but I still need work in this area. I subsequently then suffer from guilt when I'm not extending myself at the expense of my own needs to make sure everyone else is happy when no one seems that worried about making sure I'm happy. It's crazy. I just want it to stop. I hate being taken advantage of too and having my kindness taken for granted. I don't take advantage of others and don't even like having to ask for help. Well, thanks for listening to my out loud wondering. It's just really been bothering me lately. I can be doing something as mundane as dishes and these obsessive thoughts will pop up. I'm sick of them.

Thanks guys... .

Poodle

[Seahorse1]

Who is the BPD in your life? A parent?

I too used to be a people pleaser and also felt that people didn't like me... .

Maybe they didn't... .I tend to keep to my self mostly now as I have been hurt a lot by people who I thought were better friends than they turned out to be and I'm ok with that... .

I'm sure for those of us that have these issues it is because of previous relationships... .

For me I was bullied a lot as a child and have an NPD older brother who I have finally cut ties with... .

My reality is I'm 38 years old and have never been a Priority to any one... .

Not sure why and to be honest I try not to let it bother me... .

[poodlemom]

Hi Seahorse,

My BPD is my mother with an enmeshed FOO of which I was the scapegoated oldest child and daughter. I believe I was parentified and we also moved constantly so I never got to form close friendships and when junior high age hit, the kids got really mean and would tell me not to sit at their lunch table bc they didn't want me there. So painful... .

I'm 54 yrs old now and have weeded out many of my "case load" friendships and have one very close friend who is like family to me, the FOO family I don't have. I can talk to her about anything. I just wish I could like myself enough to believe I'm worth knowing and having around. Other ppl seem to assume everyone likes them and I assume the exact opposite.

Poodle

[Seahorse1]

I think the more concerned you are about this the more it will get to you... .

I know what it feels like believe me but some how I just don't care but then again I'm not in a situation like your coaching where I am having to deal with it.

Are you getting fulfillment out of the coaching ?

If not then maybe give it up or is that your income?

Im just not going to ever be around people who make me feel uncomfortable ... .

Just not!

[poodlemom]

Thanks Seahorse,

You are very wise. I like you have become very picky about who I will share my time with. Life is too short to spend it with ppl who make you feel like crap about yourself.

I do enjoy the coaching. It is basically just volunteer bc the salary is so small but I do enjoy it. Most of the girls are great but there are a few who I gladly look forward to them graduating this June and being done with them! Lol!

Like I said, I'm better than I used to be which is why I have gone NC with my entire FOO. VVVLC with my ensis. What did these parents do to us? It's so maddening bc they forever damaged our self-confidence. I just want to turn off the internal dialogue that keeps telling me I'm not as good as others.

Hugs

Poodle

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi poodlemom. I do this, too. All the time at work; sometimes with people who I'd like to be friends with but seem to want to stay "distant". It makes me feel a little bit bad about myself. I'm not sure how to fix this, actually. Maybe it is just as Seahorse has said; we  need to seek out and be around people who make us feel comfortable rather than uncomfortable and try not caring about the ones who make us feel uncomfortable?

[Seahorse1]

I just realized something that turned my stomach... .

I guess I am so isolated except for a handful of people... .Mostly people who I rarely see, but close to... .

I remember so many peoPle telling me they thought I was stand offish when they first met me... .I guess looking back at social settings feeling uncomfortable and not fitting in... .

Oh well... .The sad part is my BPD ( bf) is the only one who brings me to life in social settings... .

[poodlemom]

Seahorse,

Are you shy? Sometimes people who are shy or have social anxiety can be perceived as standoff-ish?

Also, perhaps you learned to be reserved bc your parent would punish you for being yourself?... .

Just thinking out loud.

Poodle

[Seahorse1]

I don't think I'm shy but I'm no extravert either.

I'm not the child of some one with BPD.

But as I posted before have a NPD brother.

[hwc9]

Oh Poodle, your post put into words exactly what I feel daily!  I wish I had some good advice or words of wisdom.  Just that I know exactly what you are going (go) through.  Some days and times are better than others. 

Yet another aspect of our lives where BPD has crept into and I am resentful of.

Peace.

[ScarletOlive]

Aww, I'm sorry you struggle with this poodlemom. It can be so very frustrating and confusing. You're definitely not alone. I tend to do this too. For me, it helps to ask whether it's a feeling, or if it's a fact. If it's just a feeling, then I say, "Oh look, it's just a feeling. I can go about my day." :D Sometimes, that doesn't work though. Something my T suggested is to ask the person about the issue. So, if I'm worried I said something wrong, I ask them if they thought I did.

Sending you lots of caring and support.

[poodlemom]

What a sweet supportive post Scarlet... .  thanks. :-)

Poodle

[doubleAries]

poodlemom--

Here's an article that helps explain How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Once again, no matter what I am going through, I log on to bpdfamily.com's and find someone has posted about that very thing. This has been a deeply troubling and ongoing issue with me. I cannot seem to see myself through my own eyes--I want others to show me who I am. And I often obsess that they don't like me (well how could they? I'm obviously unlovable! that's what the no good scapegoat child is, right?) yet am blindsided when it really is true.

We must come to know that we are more than anyone's opinion of us--including our own.

Often, I am overly sensitive to and over react to rejection. I also have problems with my self image. This made me think "I must be BPD! OMG!" but in a 3 hour session last night with my T, he showed me that yes, those are symptoms in the BPD criteria, but I'm not BPD. I don't react the same way (and neither are you) to these fears as BPD's do.

Sometimes I feel confident and solid in my self and my goals. And then all it takes is one comment from someone else or some self doubt of my own to completely yank that rug out from under me and once again I am drowning in self doubt, self castigation, total confusion, inability to see anything objectively, only my "worst" fears, which I can't sort out, which makes me even more anxious.

Look over there to the right on your screen. See that long box called "survivors guide"? click on step 1 and read it.

You and I have chatted on here before about feeling nothing for our mothers. There's a reason for that. And that reason is because that's what's safe. It wasn't safe as a kid to feel the overwhelming fear, hurt, and powerlessness. It might be now, but we have a hard time accessing it, because our defense mechanisms are so strong and automatic. We don't even know if there IS anything to access--it doesn't seem like it, because when we quickly look, all there is is indifference and numbness. Now think about that. Do indifference and numbness make sense as appropriate reactions to what our mothers put us through? Yeah--at the time, so we could defend ourselves, protect ourselves. Protect ourselves from what? First glance the answer is "from our mothers". But dig a little deeper and the answer might change. Perhaps to protect ourselves from the overpowering anguish, fear, and pain we weren't safe enough to cope with and had no one to comfort us through.

I don't have any problem talking about how angry I am at my mother for what she did to me as a kid. But there's a HUGE difference between talking about it and actually experiencing it. Can I say I was afraid? Sure. Can I experience/feel it? Not really. That floodgate is barely opening up for me (after 22 years NC!) and it's not fun. I understand the healing-ness of it, but it's scary. I'm not used to this. I always thought getting her out of my life was the solution. But in actuality, it was just a step towards the solution--a solution I haven't known how to access. And because I couldn't access it, it accessed me--in the form of swarming self doubts, fear of rejection, and mangled self image. With that in mind, the scariness of the floodgate opening doesn't seem so bad.

I recommend having a therapist handy to guide you through unlocking the floodgate.

doubleAries

[Lunira]

I hate this about myself! I can literally pull someone nearly out of thin air & make up reasons in my mind why they probably hate me and then ruminate about it and think of ways to show them I'm a nice person. Gah! I'm pathetic! Even people I really have had nothing more than a very minor peripheral rs with. I always assume I'm at fault or that I've done something to anger someone. It wears me out! What should I care if the mother of one of my daughter's former friends may not like me? I'm not even sure she does! I just assume it. I'm sure she doesn't waste time wondering if I like her... .  

I don't know why I do this to myself. I even do it regarding the teenage girls on the high school dance team I coach. I find myself going to great lengths trying to win their approval only to find that when I actually have to enforce the rules and go "coach" on them, they're mad at me anyway. They forget all the good things I've done for them above and beyond just being their coach. It's like I think ppl can't like me just for me. They can only like me if I'm killing myself trying to make them. I am so much better about this than I used to be but I still need work in this area. I subsequently then suffer from guilt when I'm not extending myself at the expense of my own needs to make sure everyone else is happy when no one seems that worried about making sure I'm happy. It's crazy. I just want it to stop. I hate being taken advantage of too and having my kindness taken for granted. I don't take advantage of others and don't even like having to ask for help. Well, thanks for listening to my out loud wondering. It's just really been bothering me lately. I can be doing something as mundane as dishes and these obsessive thoughts will pop up. I'm sick of them.

Thanks guys... .  

Poodle

I don't know if this will help you, but this is a realization that hit me a few months back and it's helped me a LOT.

Codependency is a strange thing... .  it overvalues others on the surface while undervaluing them in its underlying assumptions, while the codependent views him/herself in the opposite manner (undervaluing on the surface, while overvaluing in underlying assumptions).

When one views the world through those eyes, it becomes paramount to get the approval of the people around you (surface overvaluation, as if they're so important that you'll just dry up and blow away if they don't like you), while simultaneously believing they're so neurotic/weak/incompetent/etc. that they need constant help and catering to (undervaluing them in your underlying assumptions.)  But when it comes to how a codependent views themselves, it's reversed.  There's a lot of undervaluing on the surface (I'm not worth being treated fairly, or of getting back as much as I give), but a lot of hidden grandiosity in the underlying assumptions.  Anyone you meet has already known hundreds, possibly even thousands, of people over the course of their lives already.  What makes you think that you are the one that can magically cure all their ills?  You're not some sort of a savior or a Chosen One, so why pretend you are?  You're just one of seven billion people, trying to get through life as best you can.

"If you don't like me, that's fine.  There's seven billion people where I came from, so move along and find someone you like better.  Likewise, there's seven billion people where you came from.  I'm not sure who you think you are that you believe I should cater to you, change to suit you, etc. but newsflash... .  you're not."

And since I've put this into practice, I've been so much happier... .  although at first there was a lot of turbulence as people whom I've always seen on some level as incompetent, incapable, etc. and felt sorry for left my life in droves, and happy, positive that I genuinely enjoy spending time with took their place.  

This kind of worldview simply leaves no room for people-pleasing, and it's been very liberating to me.