Big fight, NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE

[Depression = 72% of members]

Alright, so I called up my BPDSO and of course she was hanging out with her guy friend, at one of his other friend's house. Anyway, I decided to tell her why I didn't want to just straight up move in with her.

I told her that I need to be independent, and that before I can just move in with her, I need to be able to take care of myself. She started getting angry about that. Eventually I told her that I was unhappy in the relationship for the last year and a half. She just started snapping and saying "WHY NOW OF ALL TIMES? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER?" I told her that for quite some time I've been telling her that I've felt disrespected and that my feelings weren't being taken into consideration. The verbal abuse, the cheating, everything else. Immediately she jumped and explained away that "Well, I stopped talking to him after a while" or "I don't text him around you as much anymore" and I just thought that there wasn't really any real remorse. That there were all these circumstances that made it okay. But they didn't.

So she told me if I was unwilling to move in with her within a year, she wouldn't want to wait for me. I said "I can't move in with someone who abuses me." and she said "THIS WOULDN'T BE HAPPENING IF WE MOVED IN TOGETHER!" To which I just said "That's what ever abuser says. If person A didn't do this thing, I wouldn't have hit them." So she just flipped out and started saying "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" and all those things. Then she started cursing at me, calling me a p*ssy, and all that other junk.

But here is where the conversation ended. She said

"We're taking a break. You can date or screw whoever you want."

and I said "And what about you?"

She said "That's none of your business. If you don't want to step up to your role as my husband, and move in with me. Then I don't have to grow up either. And what I do in between our time apart is none of your business."

To me this basically means "I will do whatever I feel like doing. I will have sex with other people, and won't feel bad about it because we're on break and you didn't give me the right answers."

She said "I'll call you whenever" and I told her ":)on't call me."

She said the words, and to me I basically take this as a break-up. I don't want to get back with someone who's okay with doing "Whatever they want" just because we're on break.

Anyway, right now I'm not feeling the pain, I'm in shock. But it's gonna come. The agony is going to be there tomorrow, maybe later tonight. I need someone to talk to. I've been unhappy and breaking up with her isn't the worst thing to happen. But this will drive me up the wall soon enough. I have no one else I can really talk to right now.

[Vatz]

Alright, so I called up my BPDSO and of course she was hanging out with her guy friend, at one of his other friend's house. Anyway, I decided to tell her why I didn't want to just straight up move in with her.

I told her that I need to be independent, and that before I can just move in with her, I need to be able to take care of myself. She started getting angry about that. Eventually I told her that I was unhappy in the relationship for the last year and a half. She just started snapping and saying "WHY NOW OF ALL TIMES? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER?" I told her that for quite some time I've been telling her that I've felt disrespected and that my feelings weren't being taken into consideration. The verbal abuse, the cheating, everything else. Immediately she jumped and explained away that "Well, I stopped talking to him after a while" or "I don't text him around you as much anymore" and I just thought that there wasn't really any real remorse. That there were all these circumstances that made it okay. But they didn't.

So she told me if I was unwilling to move in with her within a year, she wouldn't want to wait for me. I said "I can't move in with someone who abuses me." and she said "THIS WOULDN'T BE HAPPENING IF WE MOVED IN TOGETHER!" To which I just said "That's what ever abuser says. If person A didn't do this thing, I wouldn't have hit them." So she just flipped out and started saying "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" and all those things. Then she started cursing at me, calling me a p*ssy, and all that other junk.

But here is where the conversation ended. She said

"We're taking a break. You can date or screw whoever you want."

and I said "And what about you?"

She said "That's none of your business. If you don't want to step up to your role as my husband, and move in with me. Then I don't have to grow up either. And what I do in between our time apart is none of your business."

To me this basically means "I will do whatever I feel like doing. I will have sex with other people, and won't feel bad about it because we're on break and you didn't give me the right answers."

She said "I'll call you whenever" and I told her ":)on't call me."

She said the words, and to me I basically take this as a break-up. I don't want to get back with someone who's okay with doing "Whatever they want" just because we're on break.

Anyway, right now I'm not feeling the pain, I'm in shock. But it's gonna come. The agony is going to be there tomorrow, maybe later tonight. I need someone to talk to. I've been unhappy and breaking up with her isn't the worst thing to happen. But this will drive me up the wall soon enough. I have no one else I can really talk to right now.

[Caria]

Hi,

I'm really sorry about your break up. It sounds life a super tough and complicated issue. I don't know your history or your relationship past but it sounds like maybe this break might bring good. You were honest about your feelings. She is abusive. Maybe this will be a wake up call for her. And if not, is the relationship worth having? I'm really sorry you're in pain.

I also know that with my BPD Mom, it takes about two weeks for someone's words to sink in and then her behavior changes to a degree.

[Vatz]

The thing is, I meant to tell her I've been unhappy. I even told her I had some really awful feelings lately and I wanted to see a shrink to get them sorted and hopefully come out with them in a much more positive way. But when I told her I needed time, she said "NO! I'm not waiting for your ass! I need and answer in the next few days." I decided since this wasn't enough time to even visit a shrink, that tonight was as good as any time to say it.


Worst part is, now I'm alone. I'm scared because I feel like this is as good as I can do. No attractive, interesting, kind-hearted non would be interested in me. After all, what do I have to offer... .  

This is going to be an awful few months... .  possibly a year.

[Caria]

Please don't be down on yourself! You deserve a fabulous lady! As someone who has gone through a lot of body and confidence issues, let me tell you... .  SO much of it is in your head. Take the time to write a list about what you have to offer THE WORLD and I think you'll see what you have to offer another person. And I guarantee you have something (multiple things) to offer. We ALL do.

[stevenq]

I went thru exactly what your going thru. Im going on 8weeks since i broke up w my BPD gf. She would chip away at my self confidence, we would get into nasty arguments, and she was always accusing me of wanting to abandon her. One of the things she did was make me aware that there was always an "ex" waiting in the wings if i left her. You see she wanted me to fight for her. Its a control thing. Dont fall for it. Shes not going to change and become wonderful w the next guy. Thats whats helping me. Whatever u do dont keep breaking up and making up! I did it for 1yr straight. Its awful.

[Vatz]

I know what you mean Steven. I left her once because she was screaming at me and threatening me with violence. I ran out on her and two weeks later I got back together with her. At first it was great, I thought she and I could take care of our issues, months later she cheated on me. Yup... .  that was over a year ago.

[Clearmind]

Vatz, I am sorry you are hurting – wow what a whirlwind few hours for you – firstly you are right – you will go through a whole gamut of emotions – from feeling numb, to shattered grief to anger and finally seeing it all in perspective. It takes distance to see the dysfunction. I can see it clearly and you may not at this stage.

What would you advise a friend who was going through this?

Its unfortunate how so many of us define our worth via our relationships. We feel so much more attractive, lovable, intelligent and fulfilled when we are idealized and then we come down to a crashing heap when we are devalued and discarded! We define our worth based on a disordered persons perception of us! Sounds a little batty right?

You have not done anything wrong here accept ask your partner for some understanding and to listen to your needs. In a healthy relationship the other would not take this personally – she has! And it’s not your fault. Without therapy a Borderline will need to blame you to relinquish the shame and its unfortunate that she does not have the emotional maturity to understand your need for space to heal yourself.

It’s unfortunate that we do not have the control over how others see us and feel about us.

You are wounded Vatz and you need some time to process and heal. I can see you have been in turmoil for quite a while - when is it time to be ok with doing what is right for you? You have the right to emotional freedom - she will hold you back.

When you build self worth your world will open up and so will the possibility of a healthy relationship. I think you would agree this one is not healthy.

Be kind to you

[Vatz]

I think you would agree this one is not healthy.

I do agree. Being told "What I do in the time in between is none of your business" isn't something I would ever say to a spouse.

Today I was thinking.

If I had a son, and I found out that his girlfriend was doing to him what mine was doing to me... .  

[Stella2881]

Vatz, 

I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. What you wrote:

If I had a son, and I found out that his girlfriend was doing to him what mine was doing to me...

is a brilliant awareness. Sometimes I can't see what's good for me , because I don't believe in myself... .  But if I get a little distance, like you did, how would this be if it happened to  my child - I can find what "normal" is.

A BPD uses FOG ( fear, obligation & guilt ) to control those around them. Unfortunately, our self-esteem suffers. Take time for yourself, feel your feelings,  be kind to yourself ... .  

You can create a future free from such abuse . You deserve it.

[WalrusGumboot]

I think you would agree this one is not healthy.

I do agree. Being told "What I do in the time in between is none of your business" isn't something I would ever say to a spouse.

Today I was thinking.

If I had a son, and I found out that his girlfriend was doing to him what mine was doing to me... .  

Hi Vatz,

She is your spouse and are not legally separated w/restraining orders, etc. What she does is ABSOLUTELY your business. My honest opinion is that you are entering the end game with her, so try to overcome your shock and grief to the point where you start taking some action that will help you legally down the road. Gathering spending and phone usage records, to name a few.

She is giving you many warning shots of her future intentions, if not present activities. She is right... You don't know her. She is putting the blame for her actions squarely at your feet, and she will never let you forget it no matter what the outcome is for your relationship. I just do not see any happy ending here with you two remaining together. She is stomping on you and wiping you off her shoes. The amount of disrespect she is showing is astounding (which, by the way, was the last straw in my marriage).

If you are not there yet, please start the process of detaching emotionally. You have to start protecting yourself because the road gets real bumpy. It is one thing to know what she is doing, and another thing to remain in the dark so that your imagination goes wild. If you have a close friend or family member that can be your sounding board, that would go a long way in helping you through this.

A year ago and a half ago I was in the pain you are now experiencing. It was just the beginning of what became the worst year of my life as I proceeded through the separation and divorce (and three recycles that just compounded the problems). But today, almost 8 months after my divorce was final, I have made great progress and can see clearly how I was so hopelessly enmeshed in chaos. I have a normal relationship now and it is wonderful! There were members of the board here that kept telling me that it was time to go and that I have been through enough pain. I did things in my own time, but the important thing was that I did something. For you, my friend, it is also that time. I have followed your story enough to know that you have been through enough as well.

WG