Soothing self with sex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This may seem like a strange question but did anyone else see their BPD partner soothe themself with sex?  When my partner and I were near the end trying to end the relationship, I noticed him trying to soothe his anxiety with sex.  When I originally asked him to leave, I came home to find him balled up in a fetal position crying like a baby saying over and over "I am not a bad person, I am not a bad person".  It really scared me and that's when i realized I was dealing with someone who had much bigger issues than I realized.  I just held him until he finally calmed and I told him I was going to be ok.  He asked if he could lay down with me and hold me.  I allowed him to do that and he just started stripping my clothes off of me and we had sex but in a way we never had before.  It was very "primal".  It very much was about soothing himself and realizing his anxiety.  It was scary to me.  I felt sorry for him so that weekend I decided to give him another chance.  He became obsessed with sex and he went out and bought more toys (we already have a drawer full many of which we haven't even used yet) and we spent hours having sex.  It wasn't enjoyable to me because it seemed to be about him and his needs.  He started asking me to do "kinky" things that I couldn't believe he was asking... .  I'm pretty open to trying new things but I'm talking really kinky and highly questionable things.  Then a few nights later when we fought and we weren't talking, he sat in bed and literally masturbated for hours in front of me.  I just closed my eyes and tried to ignore it but I realize he was just soothing himself the best way he knew how.  I hope this isn't too personal... .  I just wonder if anyone else has dealt with the weird sex stuff.  Plus, when we had sex, it was very one sided.  Although in the beginning he said he wanted to be the best lover I've ever had, he never asked what I wanted and we would ultimately do things for his pleasure... .  

[healingmyheart]

This may seem like a strange question but did anyone else see their BPD partner soothe themself with sex?  When my partner and I were near the end trying to end the relationship, I noticed him trying to soothe his anxiety with sex.  When I originally asked him to leave, I came home to find him balled up in a fetal position crying like a baby saying over and over "I am not a bad person, I am not a bad person".  It really scared me and that's when i realized I was dealing with someone who had much bigger issues than I realized.  I just held him until he finally calmed and I told him I was going to be ok.  He asked if he could lay down with me and hold me.  I allowed him to do that and he just started stripping my clothes off of me and we had sex but in a way we never had before.  It was very "primal".  It very much was about soothing himself and realizing his anxiety.  It was scary to me.  I felt sorry for him so that weekend I decided to give him another chance.  He became obsessed with sex and he went out and bought more toys (we already have a drawer full many of which we haven't even used yet) and we spent hours having sex.  It wasn't enjoyable to me because it seemed to be about him and his needs.  He started asking me to do "kinky" things that I couldn't believe he was asking... .  I'm pretty open to trying new things but I'm talking really kinky and highly questionable things.  Then a few nights later when we fought and we weren't talking, he sat in bed and literally masturbated for hours in front of me.  I just closed my eyes and tried to ignore it but I realize he was just soothing himself the best way he knew how.  I hope this isn't too personal... .  I just wonder if anyone else has dealt with the weird sex stuff.  Plus, when we had sex, it was very one sided.  Although in the beginning he said he wanted to be the best lover I've ever had, he never asked what I wanted and we would ultimately do things for his pleasure... .  

[Mistified247]

Hi,

I wouldn't say soothe themself with sex, more dominate when we had sex. It was always on her terms and NEVER on the fly, or in a moment of passion. It always made me feel unwanted and that I didn't turn her on. The strangest thing I had a couple of times was crying after sex, and she couldn't tell me why she was crying. Then when I broke up with her, she tried to use sex as a way to get me back (she seemed to think that was the problem in our relationship because I mentioned she never wanted to kiss me etc... .  ) She also offered to spice things up several times throughout the relationship, but again this never came. The sex was basically all about her needs, and nothing to do with mine. It was quite detached, and often felt like we were totally disconnected. So I guess that is similar to your experience. Sometimes we would go for a few weeks of no sex, which for me was very difficult.

[healingmyheart]

You're right, I have read where the sex is about domination but it also did seem to soothe him too.  It seemed that in the end, our normal sex wasn't enough... .  he had to reach new plateaus to satisfy himself.  I also felt very detached in our lovemaking.  Here I had a gorgeous man with an amazing body and I wasn't feeling satisfied and enjoying the lovemaking like I should have.

I do believe that you are right that maybe in the end he was trying to dominate me through the sex.  Sadly, it was't working... .  I was at the point whereby I was dreading any relations with him but being the codependent person I became, I also succumbed to his wishes.

[GreenMango]

The sex topic comes up a lot around here.  If a person has issues with intimacy sex is going to be a touchy issue... .  no pun.   

Each person with BPD handles this differently.  It isn't unheard of for some to engage in self harming sex that exposes a person to STIs, unsavory characters, etc.  Having a penchant for domination or control isn't something with BPD only.   Healthy couples can choose to explore these things. 

Maybe an important question is to ask why if you were uncomfortable with the sex and had concerns did you engage?  Having healthy value based boundaries regarding sex is important.

[free and happy]

Have not really experienced ex soothing self with sex, but using sex for dominating yes. Sex was always used as a weapon rather than a mutually shared moment of intimacy. Like most BPD's she uses aspects in life that are most important in a relationship as controlling tools. We had not had any sexual relations over the last two years before I left her and filed for divorce two months ago. When we did have sex it was always on her terms. Never spontaneous and natural feeling. She always had to show dominance. One method she used was forcing anal penetration on me with her fingers and hands. While this could be an enjoyable experience in healthy relationships, she used it as a control tool. I am in safe space now away from her abuse and able to look back and see all the ugly behavior. I cannot believe I let my self get so beat down. The PTSD I am experiencing convinces me that I will never have normal sexual relations again.

[healingmyheart]

GreenMango,  I never agreed to the weird kinky stuff he suggested... .  in fact I said no.  But, I had sex with him to satisfy his needs for hours on end which was bad enough.  i became so codependent that it scares me.  I am an educated women and I'm baffled by how i allowed myself to get to this point.  I am starting to put the puzzle together... .  at first I was mad at myself for allowing this to happen but I have to remember how insidious this all came about.  The first was wonderful... .  the craziness came later after you were already overcome with love. 

[healingmyheart]

FreeandHappy, I do believe that when you find that person in the future who you can trust wholeheartedly that you will be able to enjoy all aspects of life again including sex.  The trauma we are experiencing is temporary and can be overcome.

[GreenMango]

That's a hard one looking back like that.  Getting caught up in helping someone soothe themselves to the point of our own detriment is a pretty ugly cycle.

It does sound like you know where you want to change this for yourself.  That's a good thing.

Are you working on the codependency issues you mentioned?

[StressedinCleveland]

I would have to say no. My relationship with The Sickly Puppetmaster was entirely sexless except for my birthday and Valentine's Day. Even then, certain things were not allowed. No open mouth kissing. No touching of my body by her (I was allowed to touch hers for those few minutes a year).

On the other hand, she has bragged about lesbian affairs so maybe there was a soothing element for her there.

[healingmyheart]

GreenMango,

My exBPD removed his possessions last weekend.  I'm seeing a counselor who is helping me to avoid going down this road again.  I lost my husband several years to a horrific disease... .  a husband I loved dearly.  I wanted and craved to feel alive again and I was searching for that through men.  I need to find "alive" and happiness within myself before I can give to a meaningful relationship.  I am healing... .  

[healingmyheart]

Back to the weird kinky stuff... .  it almost tiered on the verge of making me think that he has some repressed homosexual tendencies.  Sometimes I wondered if he really was repressing the fact that he was really deep down drawn to men... .  idk... .  just an observation

[afterdeath]

Hi,

I wouldn't say soothe themself with sex, more dominate when we had sex. It was always on her terms and NEVER on the fly, or in a moment of passion. It always made me feel unwanted and that I didn't turn her on. The strangest thing I had a couple of times was crying after sex, and she couldn't tell me why she was crying. Then when I broke up with her, she tried to use sex as a way to get me back (she seemed to think that was the problem in our relationship because I mentioned she never wanted to kiss me etc... .  ) She also offered to spice things up several times throughout the relationship, but again this never came. The sex was basically all about her needs, and nothing to do with mine. It was quite detached, and often felt like we were totally disconnected. So I guess that is similar to your experience. Sometimes we would go for a few weeks of no sex, which for me was very difficult.

Sorry, you must've dated my ex,lol. Seriously though, I can relate to this very well.

We went from having "hot sex" as she liked to call it to no sex. When we did have rare sex she would always make it seem like a chore. Made me feel ugly, perverted, and worthless for wanting it.

She used to want to try anything and everything, she would ride in the beginning because that's the only way she could get off, by dominating me. She stopped riding before she dumped me the first time and even after the recycle she never took top again because she was too self conscious?

She too promised sexual fantasies that never festered. We probably only had sex twice a month if that near the end and she made me feel bad for even wanting that.

I found her to be so beautiful, the female body is almost an art to me as I appreciate every aspect, and when I'm actually attracted to someone, to me there was not one ugly part on that body.

She used sex to degrade me often and would smack me down right away any time I reverted to dishing her back just a dose of her own medicine of what she'd done to me for months.

Sex was immediately used to hook me in the beginning as she had to have me every time multiple times at first. Then also again when she recycled me.

So I went from hot sex multiple times a day to no sex, or rare sex that disgusted her.


Unless she was drunk of course  :-\.

I've never felt so ugly and unwanted

[slimmiller]

Not only do they use sex to soothe but I think more so to dominate. In my case, it was always on her terms, when she wanted it. At first it was almost a pure fantasy and then slowly faded to nothing beyond what she needed for her  to get off. Then she threw me off like a stray dog. No closure or cuddling. I joked once that I had become her penis (when she needed) and a paycheck. Now im just the paycheck while she has a new penis. How ironic

I will never forget the last time we had sex though. She was completely crazy with a wild crazed look in her eye. Dominating and methodical almost robotic. When I found her chat transcripts later (for which I was out of line for finding) she had already met him and I was merely a proxy screw. Also a position she had never felt comfortable with (body issues, self conscious) she wanted. Well you guessed it. In hindsight she was discussing that position with him right before she came into the bed room and woke me up because she 'needed' it.

Maybe I should thank the guy for that one last hurrah... .  

[WillyD]

Sex was immediately used to hook me in the beginning as she had to have me every time multiple times at first. Then also again when she recycled me.

So I went from hot sex multiple times a day to no sex, our rare sex that disgusted her.

Sex was how I got hooked with my exuBPDgf. The first couple of times I thought she was “over-the-top” with the loudness and dirty talk and how many times she would orgasm and loudly let me know. But I quickly began to really enjoy it and ultimately got hooked on it and began behaving in a similar manner. It was fun.

Often she would be incredibly mad at me and when I was about to leave she would just grab my hand and walk me into the bedroom or just put her hand in a “strategic spot”. I knew what was in store for me and loved it.

She was a master at oral sex too and I was hopelessly hooked on that. I do think she dominated me with her sexuality in hindsight.

She would often show up at my house early on weekend mornings while I was still in bed, set her daughter up with a movie downstairs, and come up to my room and seduce me.

In hindsight I believe I put up with her extreme behavior for as long as I did because I loved having sex with her so much. I did love her too. It's hard not to love someone who you can share something so beautiful with even if it is a very unhealthy r/s.

Oddly the sex remained great until near the very end, although it happened less and less frequently over the last 8 or 9 months (of a 3 year relationship).

The very last time she went through every position we usually did that she loved and showed irritation and disgust towards me. She couldn’t (or wouldn’t?) orgasm so she asked me to do oral on her which I did. When she orgasmed she immediately got up and left.

It was obvious to me that it was an effort to humiliate me and let me know I meant nothing to her anymore. Fortunately it didn’t work! I know my own self-worth and it is about much more than just sex.