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I have let a few key people know. I hated to have to do that. I am more private in nature. With her privacy is out the window. She would shout from the mountaintops what a louse I am when she is dysregulated.

[lost007]

I have let a few key people know. I hated to have to do that. I am more private in nature. With her privacy is out the window. She would shout from the mountaintops what a louse I am when she is dysregulated.

[1bravegirl]

How are you doing today?

I really appreciate your candor here and still being emotionally connected and yes, many of us here can appreciate that aspect of this scenario and how difficult it can be to cut all ties.

Many times though it's the only way to ever move forward and not allow them to becloud our thinking with the chaotic behavior. It actually keeps us feeling so off balance that we end up being counter-productive and not seeing the trees thru the forest.

We have a life at the end of this, it's just a matter of allowing our mind to let 'them' go long enough to give us time to progress in what we know we want and need.

I hope you are able to just let her rant and rave and do not respond or better yet, if there is a n/c order in place, please act upon it and let it be handled that way from now on.    It's the only way you can ever move forward with what you are trying so hard to obtain.

Thinking of you friend.

Sincerely,

1bg

[ForeverDad]

I have let a few key people know. I hated to have to do that. I am more private in nature.

Privacy isn't the issue.  She knows your reluctance to discuss what goes on behind closed doors.  That puts you at a disadvantage.  It helps you to be isolated from those who can help you and reduces the likelihood you will adequately document her poor behaviors.

[Matt]

I have let a few key people know. I hated to have to do that. I am more private in nature.

Privacy isn't the issue.  She knows your reluctance to discuss what goes on behind closed doors.  That puts you at a disadvantage.  It helps you to be isolated from those who can help you and reduces the likelihood you will adequately document her poor behaviors.

That's a good point.

It also contributes to depression, because when we don't share what's going on, we feel isolated.

And it makes it more likely that when you do tell what has happened, you won't get the support you should, because your story will be hard to believe.

Better to find some people you can trust, and open up.

[lost007]

Yes.  You guys are singing my tune. All that you say is true. I have become better at ignoring rants and raves. It has seemed to help. She has just had me nervous for so long, and I allowed her to have so much power over me, that her bluff still often works. Part of me just thinks things are going to fall apart at the end and the divorce won't happen. I have been divorce once before. We just decided it wouldn't work. We worked out a deal. She went her way. I went mine. We have kids and kids are great with it. Relationship with her is good. Except for when I was in the house with my stbex. She made it hell to communicate with my ex. Dang- sounds bad- too many exs.  However I was never made to feel anxious or nervous in that divorce. Two normal humans making decisions and working together. This is entirely different. She still has a hold. Don't know what I would have done without being able to compare notes on this board and without the reassurance it has provided me.

1-bg. Things are better this am. She is not dysregulated at the moment. Seems to be more accepting. Divorce now in 2 weeks. I'm hopeful she stays like this and doesn't go off the deep end between now and then. She sent texts saying she realizes what she has done and pledges to stop showing up unannounced. She has a new T and im hopeful will help her. I'm just on pins and needles waiting for this to happen. And continuing to work on disengaging. Harder when she has moments of sanity. I am commited to ending the marriage. Just sucks as I was madly in love. Very sexually satisfied. Just not emotionally cared for and that in the end became paramount to my long term well being. I appreciate your willingness to converse. Are you convinced that you have the strength to remain out? Seems this man has had a remarkable hold on you much like my wife has had on me. I have had to give her up like a drug, must be what it is like for an addict. I have struggled with alcohol issues that got much worse during this relationship. I gave it up when we separated several months ago. It has been way easier than giving her up I assure you.

[lost007]

And Matt.  Yes the isolation has been overwhelming. I have forgotten how to have friends. I was so afraid to bring them around while I was in this r/s. I didn't know what they would see when they got to my house. And I wasn't comfortable putting on a front for themwhen I knew behind the scenes that I felt like a jew in a nazi internment camp. That secretly I was plotting an escape. I wanted to be alone. And allowed her to be my only source of comfort. She was remarkably adept at cutting off any outside supply I might have. It was really work of genius. I am intelligent man yet it engulfed me. It consumed me. So now I sit with few friends. Still not really wanting to share my story. We know too many of the same people and she is like a Sherlock Holmes who seems to know if I ever say anything to anyone. So I am hopeful to get this divorce behind me. To learn to live again. At one time I had a full life with lots of friends. I was not very good at maintaining that. At the same time I wish the best for her. I just want her to have her best without me. Will take more work on my end to break addictive, ruminating thoughts I have about her.

[1bravegirl]

Hi friend...

I'm glad you are feeling some improvement in the situation but remember, it has to continually be in your power and hands to act upon regardless of what they do or how dysregulated they are.  We must keep moving forward and lesson the communication to the bare minimum and keep our heads clear from their ability to suck us in again.

I know all about wanting to have a certain type of r/s and not feeling any love in return. They try to love us or do what they think is acceptable in their eyes...   but it is a far cry from what we need as caring, feeling humanbeings.

I am very confident this time around lost due to being so disconnected from him for several years now.  I have been basically on my own for almost 4 yrs and didn't really think of him hardly at all.  Never once cried for him or missed him... I was sad at times for the loss of the 'dream' of the r/s and what I was hoping it could be but the reality of the pain and abuse I suffered kept my mind from feeling anything but relief really.

I am already feeling so much healthier and seeing myself being able to think and feel more creative and just so happy to be in my home without all the drama and tension.  I feel very content and balanced in my thinking.  I can honestly say this is the best i've felt after a split in the last 3 times this has happened.  I have been through this enough now that I feel a level of maturity and stability that wasn't there before but maybe this last year of being by myself after the 2 1/2 yrs before that were very up and down...   hard times and very good times but still kinda all over the place... moving a few times...    just really spent and lacking stability for that long but this time I have been in this home with and without him for going on 2 yrs and I have a level of comfort here now with myself and my surroundings that is enabling me to feel at peace and much more healthier than before.

I am actually able to really 'exhale' and feel so content and confident in my ability to take care of myself.  I have a job that is very mentally stimulating, Manager at a Surgeon's office 5 minutes away from home.

I have some funds to hold me over for a while so I can get myself caught up here on some home improvements before i venture on finding a roommate and my health is so much more stable.  It's unbelievable what a week almost can do for your health without the hard hitting stress you feel just walking in your own door.

I have been working on finding this place of peace for quite some time and the level of being disattached has been pretty strong for quite some time.  I wouldn't say he's had a hold on me, I've had a hold on the dynamic's of the r/s when things got harder than I was used to dealing with on my own and my age started to become a factor...

It was like... OMG>. I need glasses now...   and I'm feeling more like "I don't want to grow old alone... "  But those woes have come and gone.

I experienced this past 4 mos for the wrong reasons and got the wake up call I needed to understand that I surely can do this on my own and much more successfully too.  Growing old isn't the problem here.  I would of grown a lot older so much quicker if things stayed how they were. 

We were both so miserable and that was the real issue.  He wanted out as badly as I did.  Not only did I detach but so did he.  And that was the final piece of the puzzle that needed to be put into place.

We lived it, we experienced it and i'm pretty sure we both came to terms with it and now we both have moved on.   I know I have and he may still have more feelings for me than I do for him but those have dwindled down quite a lot as well.  So that will help us both in this process now.

I hope and pray you can find the strength to keep any contact with her to a very very minimal amount, or as was stated, thru attorney only.

Every time we let them in our psyche, it wreaks havoc on us. 

I am savoring the moments of my life now at 49 knowing that I have come a long way to get to this point and I feel like I'm being given a chance at real happiness and success in this life of mine.  Not just out of an impulse or a euphoric feeling but thru trial and error and life experiences that have created wisdom and better ways of viewing matters and not on emotions either but on the truth of the situation and what is really needed at this point.

Me being stronger and more loving with myself and learning how to always put myself first and respect myself like never before.  So much to say about this time period but I think you get the gist of what i'm feeling now.

It's a wonderful time despite the sadness of a marriage failing, but it would be so much worse if it didn't. right?

Much love and strength sent to you... 1bg

[lost007]

No doubt it would be worse. Im just ridden with guilt. It's really crazy because when I take a look back at what she has cost me. The lengths I have gone to to try and keep peace. The living with knowing at any second my world was going to become a vortex of chaos and destruction. I have to ask myself how I could have any guilt. The words she has said to me.  They are indescribable. And uttered with a contempt that I didn't know could exist between humans. Yet I feel guilt. She still begs me not to give up on her. She's owning what she did. I just have to forge on.  I have no choice. I nearly lost my kids. My parents. One of my brothers. I was in pure hell.  Oppressed I would even say. To the point I did not know what I would do to make it end. Thought being in a jail cell would be preferable. She says she understands. There is no way she could completely. She has painted a portrait of me-which I allowed- that doesn't resemble the me I used to know. Now-im in late 40's too- im left with no one essentially. Trying to repair. While this woman still has some kind of hold. While I still try and reconcile my love for her. While I maintain the strength to move forward with the divorce. Because I know that contemptuous woman is at bay for the moment. But she will return. She has to. She has no choice. It is who she is. And I must give her up.  On another note. Your descriptions of the joy your place gives you are infectious. A sanctuary it seems. Makes me want to cook soup!

[1bravegirl]

Lost,

I re-read a book today and thought of 'you'...     With very warm empathetic feelings, remembering I was feeling the pain and guilt you feel now and was soo afraid of the future if I pushed forward with detaching and how it would actually look when the pieces finally did fall whereever the did... ya no?

So I wanted to HIGHLY recommend getting this book.  You sound very intelligent and I'm sure you know how to manage a Kindle or download one on your laptop, so after you go onto amazon, download the book...

Should I stay or should I go... By Lundy bancroft.

But there are such profound rational statements in that book that describe exactly what you are feeling and why and how to move beyond it by asking such thought provoking questions as : 

Why do I still feel attached to her when my life was filled with so much drama?

As what was unpredictable in your life becomes reliable, all the feelings you had that you weren’t in touch with can rush in. Despair can loom, as you say to yourself, “I thought that getting away from her would solve all of my problems. Why am I feeling so bad?”


But then it describes ways to learn how to detach and think more about the profound affect the r/s or continual hope or guilt that you feel that's keeping you mentally involved, can be worked through and you can move forward.

Man Lost! This book is 'PRICELESS>... .  '  It may sound like a book for one in the r/s but it's addressing a state of mind. 

The last few chapters give the process of really leaving and moving on but the entire book gives you lessons and things to ask yourself as to what is becoming of you and your soul.?

Why do you stay in the mental fog when we know it's so damaging?

How to leave with a legal plan and follow through and it gives tons of resources as well... For men and women alike.

If you have a kindle I would even LOAN it to you...

Stay strong friend...   send me a personal message if you want to just view it or borrow it from me.

Sincerely,

1bg

Bancroft, Lundy; Patrissi, JAC (2011-11-01). Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved (Kindle Locations 6469-6471). Penguin Group. Kindle Edition.

[ForeverDad]

I'm just ridden with guilt. It's really crazy because when I take a look back at what she has cost me. The lengths I have gone to to try and keep peace. The living with knowing at any second my world was going to become a vortex of chaos and destruction. I have to ask myself how I could have any guilt.

One weapon (among many) used against you was Guilt.  It kept you vulnerable and compelled you to stick around for more as a Whipping Boy.  Talk about self-inflicted pain! :'(  We often speak here of the "FOG" we experience.  (FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt)  Ponder how those have affected you and continue to affect you.

Granted it hurts now, but recovery is a process, you'll eventually get there.  It took a while for your head to see reality, eventually your instincts and heart will catch up too.

[lost007]

So right forever dad. At one time I was confident. Very accomplished. Respected. But when you say whipping boy?  It's so right. Lost my manhood dude. Vamoose. Left me like a scared puppy. And 1bg. I'll get that book. One I have been into is Healing the Shame that Binds You. It's by Bradshaw. Talks about how shame on one hand is healthy. Promotes good behavior. Keeps us In check. But when that shame becomes who we are it can kill our soul. Make us a ghost. I have some of that toxic shame. And indeed it does bind. You might enjoy that book. Still wanna make some soup!,