Gf only exhibits BPD traits when drunk?

[eclipsedbythemoon]

Been seeing my gf for about 7 months now. We just got back together after our 3rd split.

Everything was great the first few months, I could do no wrong in her eyes and she was totally in love with me.

Ever since new years however she's been getting more distant with more frequent arguments.

She drinks very heavily whenever I see her and stay the night. She'll be quite normal and lovey duvey with me and the more drunk she gets the more erratic her behavior becomes. By the end of the night she'll probably have cried 5 times, got angry at me 5 times and told me how much she is in love with me 5 times all alternating.

One minute she'll be muttering something that makes no sense and she'll look to me to give her an answer to a question I have no idea of and no matter what I say she'll get mad and when I ask what's wrong she'll just say "you know what's wrong". then after a few minutes she'll be staring at me in the eyes like she's a little girl in love for the first time and telling me how much she missed me, then a few minutes later she'll be crying in my arms about something... .  I've learned it's no use asking her the reasoning behind this because she either doesn't tell me or just says something that makes no sense :/

Then the next day when she's sober she'll be totally different and "normal". Except she'll be quite standoffish with me and it's always me who has to intitiate kissing or touching or else she'll just sit there on the other side of the sofa barely talking to me. It's almost like she feels embarrassed and burned out from the night before and until she starts drinking again a bit later she'll stay like that. but once she's had a few the whole cycle begins again starting with her getting more touchy feely and wanting kisses and fondling etc. until she starts getting all up and down once she's properly drunk again.

Does anyone else have any experience of something similar to this? Is is possible for someone to only display BPD symptoms while drunk and be able to hide or keep them under control when sober?

Any help is much appreciated

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[Rockylove]

 Hey there, eclipsed... .  so sorry to hear that your gf is giving you the roller coaster ride you didn't ask for.   BPD isn't easy on anyone.

I see that alcohol will indeed bring out some ugliness in my fiance.  He's prone to depression and well... .  let's put some depressant in a bottle on top of that and you've got a disaster waiting to happen.  I think they will loosen up when drinking and then their emotions are more out of control as a result of drinking which makes them uncomfortable so they drink a bit more and then irrational thinking gets thrown in there at some point.  It's not pretty.  My BPD calls beer "a bottle of stupid" and he's exactly correct!

Since you've only been with your gf for 7 months, chances are she's still been on good behavior while sober... .  that may come later when she's more comfortable around you.

I hope you're getting into the lessons and reading whatever you can find so you can take good care of yourself.

[hellokitty4]

I have the same experience with my close friend... .  when she drinks she either gets really happy and sexual or she gets angry easily, irrational and unconsolable.  Tuesday night she had a few glasses of wine and she started sending me texts that started out clean, fun and happy and later turned sexual. In the morning she said she must have been drunk texting me.  Last night, she had gone out with another friend and I don't know how many glasses of strong sangria she had. On the phone with her, the conversation was happy and we shared a lot of laughter... .  until she mentions a FB post that someone posted on my timeline which I don't even know why this person posted it so I deleted it. Our conversation escalated to a Fb comment I posted 2 weeks ago telling a friend of mine who lives in another country that I would "inbox" her because she was starting to share her private hell with depression. CF picked up on that and accused me of keeping secrets from her. It's very difficult to understand irrational drunk behavior from a BPD especially since I do not drink alcohol at all.

This morning I sent her my regular email assuring her that everything will work out. She accused me of so many things last night, although they are old accusations, made up in her mind. She responded with a text saying "I hope you got some sleep. I hate this feeling I have right now. The need to apologize but I don't like to cause a commotion and then turn around and say I'm sorry. But I know I should." I had to read that text over and over to understand what she meant. I responded with just assuring her. Later she called me but I had my headset on and didn't hear the phone. When I called her back I got her voicemail, left a message and got a text response from her. She ended the text with "i love u" so in my mind she is trying to make up for what she did.

She never once will say what the feelings she hates are but I believe it is insecurity, jealousy and uncertainty. I know that she will have to work this out on her own because I do my very best to show her how special she is in my life.

[eclipsedbythemoon]

Hey there, eclipsed... .  so sorry to hear that your gf is giving you the roller coaster ride you didn't ask for.   BPD isn't easy on anyone.

I see that alcohol will indeed bring out some ugliness in my fiance.  He's prone to depression and well... .  let's put some depressant in a bottle on top of that and you've got a disaster waiting to happen.  I think they will loosen up when drinking and then their emotions are more out of control as a result of drinking which makes them uncomfortable so they drink a bit more and then irrational thinking gets thrown in there at some point.  It's not pretty.  My BPD calls beer "a bottle of stupid" and he's exactly correct!

Since you've only been with your gf for 7 months, chances are she's still been on good behavior while sober... .  that may come later when she's more comfortable around you.

I hope you're getting into the lessons and reading whatever you can find so you can take good care of yourself.

Oh no she's already shown her bad side believe me. The last night I saw her before our last split she started arguing with me out of nowhere. Telling me all my faults and no matter what I did to try and defuse the situation she wouldn't have it. She wouldn't even let me touch her at one point. She kept saying "this isn't working is it (the relationship)" and I jusat said "well no it doesn't work when you start arguing with me over nothing".

I ended up losing my temper with her and shouting back at her telling her never to shout at me as I'd done nothing wrong. I also threw back her insults at her asking her what made her so special etc. and she really didn't like that :/

Then amazingly the next morning we were fine and talking as normal.


The thing is no matter how insane, wild, upset she gets the night before she will NEVER mention what happened while she's sober. It's almost like I'm dating 2 different women each of whom have no idea of eachother.

[hellokitty4]

Oh no she's already shown her bad side believe me. The last night I saw her before our last split she started arguing with me out of nowhere. Telling me all my faults and no matter what I did to try and defuse the situation she wouldn't have it. She wouldn't even let me touch her at one point. She kept saying "this isn't working is it (the relationship)" and I jusat said "well no it doesn't work when you start arguing with me over nothing".

I ended up losing my temper with her and shouting back at her telling her never to shout at me as I'd done nothing wrong. I also threw back her insults at her asking her what made her so special etc. and she really didn't like that :/

Then amazingly the next morning we were fine and talking as normal.


The thing is no matter how insane, wild, upset she gets the night before she will NEVER mention what happened while she's sober. It's almost like I'm dating 2 different women each of whom have no idea of eachother.

So similar in my situation although I am dealing with a BPDfriend... .  

Mine mentions it the next day usually very sorry and keeps in constant contact to make sure I'm around. 2 people in one... .  sometimes I don't know who's going to get in my car or who is going to pick up the phone... .  the loving, sweet friend or the irrational, angry friend.

[slop]

eclipsedbythemoon, I think you may be dating my Ex - no joke!

Pretty much everything you wrote about your girlfriend can be applied to my Ex, verbatim.

Once I even asked her if she could stop drinking when I was around, since that was when she'd have problems - this only lasted a week, and she was back to drinking.  But then when she was sober, she'd be cold and distant. Then drunk, she'd be in two modes, either horny/loving or raging/angry for no reason.

[eclipsedbythemoon]

eclipsedbythemoon, I think you may be dating my Ex - no joke!

Pretty much everything you wrote about your girlfriend can be applied to my Ex, verbatim.

Once I even asked her if she could stop drinking when I was around, since that was when she'd have problems - this only lasted a week, and she was back to drinking.  But then when she was sober, she'd be cold and distant. Then drunk, she'd be in two modes, either horny/loving or raging/angry for no reason.

Her name is Sarah... .  if your ex's is too then my head will explode

I asked her to not drink so much early on in our relationship but she doesn't think she has a problem. Now that i think about it she has got drunk every single night I've seen her since we started seeing eachother :/

[FlufferNutter]

You may just be dating an alcoholic.  I usually lurk in the background here but when I saw this it jumped out at me.  My ex-bf would get like this whenever he drank.  He wasn't BPD, he was just a bad drunk.  I always said that alcohol abuse problems are not determined by how FREQUENTLY someone drinks, but how they ACT when they drink.  It never gets better.  Even if you can get them to give up alcohol, you will have to be willing to give up all events and outings that involve alcohol also.  It is very difficult to kick someone when they are down, but I would suggest getting out now, it will only get harder.

[eclipsedbythemoon]

You may just be dating an alcoholic.  I usually lurk in the background here but when I saw this it jumped out at me.  My ex-bf would get like this whenever he drank.  He wasn't BPD, he was just a bad drunk.  I always said that alcohol abuse problems are not determined by how FREQUENTLY someone drinks, but how they ACT when they drink.  It never gets better.  Even if you can get them to give up alcohol, you will have to be willing to give up all events and outings that involve alcohol also.  It is very difficult to kick someone when they are down, but I would suggest getting out now, it will only get harder.

She definitely has a drink problem I'm not denying that. However there are lots of reasons I've come to the conclusion she also has BPD.

Here are a few reasons off the top of my head:

She came on very strong and adored me at the start of the relationship

She told me once that I needed to be tough on her or she'd walk all over me and it wouldn't work (while crying)

Used to tell me she was falling deeper in love with me and that it scared her because she was afraid I'd end up leaving.

Has lots of male friends and is very flirtacious.

Never been married (she's 42) and has a history of short, unstable relationships

Her last bf before me commited suicide shortly after they broke up

One day/week she'll love me to bits and the next she couldn't care less

Has a bad relationship with her father. He lives only a couple miles away but hasn't seen him for 10 years.

[arabella]

Here are a few reasons off the top of my head:

She came on very strong and adored me at the start of the relationship

She told me once that I needed to be tough on her or she'd walk all over me and it wouldn't work (while crying)

Used to tell me she was falling deeper in love with me and that it scared her because she was afraid I'd end up leaving.

Has lots of male friends and is very flirtacious.

Never been married (she's 42) and has a history of short, unstable relationships

Her last bf before me commited suicide shortly after they broke up

One day/week she'll love me to bits and the next she couldn't care less

Has a bad relationship with her father. He lives only a couple miles away but hasn't seen him for 10 years.

Erm... .  I don't think you could make a BPD diagnosis, based on the DSM, using the list you've provided. Many of these traits could easily be attributable to something else. For example, her flirtatious behaviour, coming on strong, or falling in love quickly could be indicative of low self-esteem, sexual identity issues, previous abuse, basic extroverted personality, etc. Her previous bf committing suicide says absolutely NOTHING about her mental state and can't be used to diagnose anything in her. Her r/s with her father is also not really relevant without further context - her father could just as easily be the source of the problem or there could be a history there that explains it better than diagnosing a personality disorder. And, I'm sorry, but if she has problems with alcohol abuse, that could easily account for a lot of her temperamental outbursts and hot/cold behaviour.

[Li Po mem]

It sounds so familiar.

[daze]

Guess my post didn't take.

My uBPDh from whom I am separated but in a r/s is an alcoholic.  He seems to have BPD or BPD traits and a life history that points in that direction too - early childhood, adolescent and adult.

My T agrees some of H's behavior appears borderline but that H would have to quit drinking for six months and then seek professional help to know for sure.

[Rockylove]

Perhaps a bit of both are at work here.  Alcoholics have some similar "issues" as BPD and they use alcohol as a means of escaping those issues.  Both have low self esteem (among other things) and the alcoholic's brain tricks him/her into thinking that those issues don't exist while intoxicated.  Unfortunately they will over-indulge and make a complete ass of themselves which makes them feel worse about themselves when sober (which is likely why your gf doesn't mention any of it) and so they drink again to ease the pain.  It really is a vicious cycle that can only be broken by the alcoholic, but they have to hit their rock bottom to see it.

If your gf's personality changes that dramatically when drinking, chances are very good that she is an alcoholic~~not to discount BPD, that is possible as well, but I think I would take a look into Al-Anon for some answers too. 

The first thing I learned in Al-Anon was to work on getting myself into a healthier mental state.  Working on me was the only way to make changes and my alcoholic would either see me getting healthy and want to join me in that venture or he'd leave.  He chose the latter.  I mention this because it's just as significant with BPD as with alcoholism. 

Here's hoping for a brighter future for you!

[slop]

You may just be dating an alcoholic.  I usually lurk in the background here but when I saw this it jumped out at me.  My ex-bf would get like this whenever he drank.  He wasn't BPD, he was just a bad drunk.  I always said that alcohol abuse problems are not determined by how FREQUENTLY someone drinks, but how they ACT when they drink.  It never gets better.  Even if you can get them to give up alcohol, you will have to be willing to give up all events and outings that involve alcohol also.  It is very difficult to kick someone when they are down, but I would suggest getting out now, it will only get harder.

For me, being drunk just made her BPD worse, or more overt. She still had all the symptoms and exhibited borderline behavior when sober, it was just more subtle and calculated. Basically, when sober, she's be a "waif" type, when inebriated she'd be a "witch" type.

[Somewhere]

In long term treatment, the Dual Diagnosis (e.g., Alcoholism + BPD) rate gets pretty high.  50 to 60% or more.

Binge drinking tends damage and shrink the amygdala, which also is the area of the brain that goes into hyperactivity during the borderline emotional dysregulation. 

Some BPDs use Alcohol to attempt to Self-Medicate and sedate the conditions.

[Auspicious]

Alcoholism can mimic BPD sometimes.

You can't diagnose her, but you can make decisions for yourself, and see if there are changes that you can make to make your life better.

Have you read over our Lessons yet?