He's back

[laelle]

Well he came back last nite still a little bit weird.  He wanted to get with me later to watch a movie.  Part of his rage was accusing me because he didnt get enough time to himself, so I asked if he was sure because he had some pretty strong feelings the nite before about the amount of time he was spending with me.  I was ignored again for a few hours after that comment then he said he wanted some time to himself.

Late last nite I got an invitation to join him this afternoon for a movie to which I answered I would enjoy that yes.  So far today i've been telling him "your dumped" after just about everything he says   but its all pretty much been taken in good spirit.

He has tried to play it all down like it wasnt as bad as all that and that I knew he would be back when he calmed down.  I told him that that may well be true, but I wont be in a relationship with someone that treats me like garbage, so think twice before saying "your dumped" next time.  I told him that I have respect for our relationship therefor I will never ignore him or dump him without talking to him about it.  He promised he would never handle it that way in the future... .  as if 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TigerEye]

Good for you laelle, communication channels are open again 

So that's two boundaries in place, keep sight of that first one, it's important to you. You've worked hard for this and endured the rubbish that comes with putting your foot down, so for now, put your feet up and enjoy!

[laelle]

The money one is a work in progress.  We had a talk about it today and I shared how I felt about it.  I explained why I had been so harsh lately concerning money.  I wanted to be fair to him and myself and as the ways things were I did not feel it was fair to me.  I explained what I would do and what I wouldnt do.  I was fair to us both.  Its keeping him on this path that will be the reward for me.  I did the other day what I told you not to do TigerEye, that was spurting out a boundary before taking the time to say goodmorning. 

[Rockylove]

   I hope all goes well now, laelle.  I suppose we see something special in our guys... .  As difficult as it is to deal with the BPD, my fiance really does enhance my life in many ways.  I suppose that's where I'll draw the line~~if we no longer enhance each others lives, it's time to let it go.

[waverider]

  I hope all goes well now, laelle.  I suppose we see something special in our guys... .  As difficult as it is to deal with the BPD, my fiance really does enhance my life in many ways.  I suppose that's where I'll draw the line~~if we no longer enhance each others lives, it's time to let it go.

This why boundaries are good to protect you from the bad times, it allows you to recover quicker with less resentment to enjoy the good times.

Whereas attempts to demand and control tend to escalate, drag on longer, creating more residual resentment. So you get over issues as quick

[laelle]

I did tell him one thing.  I said, "you know what im doing now when you get angry and ignore me for days?"  "I'm having a party"

We are in a good natured mood mind you.  I wouldnt try saying that if he was still aggressive.  He does know now tho that while he is being childish, im off enjoying myself.   

Its funny that he thinks of in terms of "you knew i will be back", did he even consider that I may not want him back?

He is taking very little blame for this, but he did take a "a little", and he is being a good sport about doing a stupid thing.  "Thats our way of making light of dramatic issues."   

These are the moments when we make the most progress.  He is open to listening atm.  I still dont know if I want to do this forever tho.  I guess for today, its ok.

[elemental]

These mini recycles. The way they "leave" and then show up a day later.

They are like mini strokes. Eventually the culmulative effect is as damaging as a big stroke.

[laelle]

I agree Elemental.  While he is seeing he did good because he pulled it back together quickly without damaging himself with his impulsive spending, etc etc, (which is good news), but doesnt understand that relationships are based on trust, once lost its really hard to gain back.  Especially when you know it will happen again and again.