Pictures of d dancing on internet

[mggt]

I just found all types of pictures on the internet of my daughter dancing in little to no clothes. I am sick to my stomach cant get pictures out of my head i am so mad and disgusted at same time. I approached her with this info and she threw carton of baby wipes at me and left the house.  I found out by alot of investigating she is on internet using a fake name.  She has a d and does not seem to care that this will effect her d .  How do I let this go out of my mind. I will  never sleep tonite.  As so many nights before any advice please

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

mggt

How sorry I am to hear this new development ... .  such poor choices for sure.

Let me see if I understand your concern... .  you are worried this is going to come back to impact your gd? HOw will that happen? In what way? It doesn't sound like your dd is really in her daughter's life much.

I don't know how you let it go but you need to... .  I would be disappointed too but she is an adult and it is her life. You need to let it go but the fact she threw wipes at you should not be excused. When will you see her again? I am not sure i would let her inside my home again if she is going to be violent towards you. Maybe time to set some boundaries. Maybe time to change the locks on your house and better protect yourself.

I wish I had some better ideas for you... .  I really am struggling with my dd tonight... .  I can't imagine what it is like when they get big and have their own children... .  god help us all... .  I am sending you a hug... .  

Try to put some distance between you and her... .  try to step back a bit... .  that might help you think clearer... .  I truly wish I had some word of comfort for you... .  

[MammaMia]

mggt

Could one of your fears be that someone will recognize your dd dancing online? 

I agree, she is not a good role model for your gd, and I would tell her that.  Do you have custody of your gd?  How old is she?  I do not recall.  If you have legal custody, it may give you some control over when and if dd visits.

Your dd is going to do what she is going to do.  That does not mean you have to condone or accept it.  She is responsible for her actions and bad behavior... .  not you.

[Being Mindful]

Dear mggt,

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I'm wondering if you could let go of looking/investigating what she is doing? Right now, it is only hurting you. You know that she is dancing and making choices that make you sad. Looking for more adds to your enormous hurt.

You can be angry and worried and how this will impact your gd. But, there is nothing you can do to stop her from dancing or make her care about her d. I don't mean to be too hard, but you are applying logic to someone who cannot use logic. Your d. is operating on emotional mind only, nothing rational or logic is there right now or in this decision.

Are you ready to perhaps put effort into yourself with gaining skills for yourself? Skills that will help you let go of some of these things. Skills that will help you communicate with her. Skills that will help you make validating statements and questions and putting boundaries in place for yourself. All of this work on yourself will help and will help you get to a place of acceptance.

I look forward to hearing from you and seeing what you think about those ideas.

Being Mindful

[Being Mindful]

mggt

Could one of your fears be that someone will recognize your dd dancing online? 

I agree, she is not a good role model for your gd, and I would tell her that.  Do you have custody of your gd?  How old is she?  I do not recall.  If you have legal custody, it may give you some control over when and if dd visits.

Your dd is going to do what she is going to do.  That does not mean you have to condone or accept it.  She is responsible for her actions and bad behavior... .  not you.

Often a person with BPD will not react well to a judgment statement that she is not a good role model for her daughter. I'm not sure what outcome would be achieved with this. If it were my d. she would feel worse about herself and would continue to fulfill her view of herself that she is not good for much, especially for taking care of her daugther so she would continue to be in an environment that supported that warped sense of self... .  dancing. It could be that she is feeling like she belongs in this dancing world where there is no self respect but where she is understood or accepted by others. I would try to avoid adding to her own poor judgments of herself.

Thoughts?

Being Mindful

[MammaMia]

mggt

I remember former posts where you have discussed the dancing issue with your dd several times.  She swore she had stopped, and you found out she lied about it.  She then threatened to take your 1 yr old gd when she moved 30 min away.  You feared for her safety due to dd's mood swings and anger issues, but you did not seek formal guardianship because you would need to expose dd's illness and exotic dancing to the court which would cause her to be humiliated and probably get worse.   

Now... .  she is dancing (barely clothed) online under an assumed name.  I do not blame you for being angry and frustrated.   You can't control what she does ... .  but two things you can control are keeping your gd safe and providing a loving home for her.  She is so fortunate to have you in her life. 

This should not be your responsibility, but dd is not able to be a proper mother under the current circumstances.  I am sorry she has chosen the path she has, but she has made it clear where her priorities lie.  At 20 she is still a child herself.

Good luck.

[mggt]

Hello everyone, thank you all for your input we have our gd now but not legally she is only one years old and the resason i am so upset is our gd will find out about her dancing i guess her exbf family knows and its all over internet .  Children can be so cruel so i am worried about our gd will be teased that her mom is a dancer.  and that is why i am so upset i know wont find out for a while  but if she continues on this path only god knows what she will be doing in the future .  I thought if i told my d this how it will effect her d she might stop and think "oh i dont want my bad choices effecting my d " Our d only comes around couple of hours a week and is suppose to see her on sundays and mondays when she if off from work and other grandparents have gd on friday saturday till sunday mornings.  When our d is with our gd she is useless does not pay attention to her asks for help to change her and so on.  But ... .  she insists she is a good mom .  She picked up her d yesterday at 9 am and dropped her off at 6 pm still pajamas on even thought i have her outfit gave her bottles food .  When she came back no bottles i aked her where they were and she said oh i could not find them  WHAT  I know this might sound very judgemental but this is what we r dealing with a baby taking care of  baby .  Just simple things that our d should be doing but cant because it is all about her .  so this is why we dont think she should have her d right now along with many other problems .  I really dont want to go to court and fight her for baby so right now we will keep it as is .  I cant imagine all the emotions that will come up on both sides if we decide to take her to court .  I secretly think our d really does not want baby full time so i think she is happy that we have her .  But who knows when dealing with BPD.  Thanks again everyone for your advice i will keep it all in my head.