advice if you suspect child may be a future BPD person

[mother in law]

I suspect my grandchild of 10 may be a future BPD sufferer. His mother is an undiagnosed BPD who fits all the criteria especially the rages, splitting, thinks in black and white about all people, rapid mood swings and abusive to name just a few. The child has lived with this for the last 10 years and is showing signs of being the same ie mood swings, anger when he doesn't get his own way, thinking his father does not love him and difficulty with friends at school. He is living mainly with his mother whose actions and behaviour towards the boy's father (now her ex husband) are full of anger and verbal abuse especially since the child has been placed on the airport watch list. All this occurs unfortunately in front of my grandson who I know is hurt by her words and actions. As explained he now is acting the same at times. I am very concerned that he  might grow up same as her ie display BPD behaviours. Does anyone have any advice as to how we stop this now instead of waiting till he is a teenager and it is too late?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cleanandsober]

You say "his mother is an undiagnosed BPD".  Is this your daughter? What is her history?  Did she ever have any type of therapy?  Does she admit she has a problem and if so, is she willing to get help for herself?  In order to break the cycle individual and family counseling is needed.  There is no quick fix but it is never too late as long as there is an open mind and willingness to get help.  Are you new to this board?  The book Walking on Eggshells might be helpful.  Best wishes and keep us posted... .     

[Tkwoody]

Hi mother in law,

I feel your pain. I have been fighting the same battle with my step daughter who is 9. People keep telling me I am crazy or mean and she is fine. But when you know in your heart something is wrong, you just have to keep on trying to get help. Don't let others get you down or cause you to doubt your heart. If one doctor says something you don't agree with, you can always get a second opinion. My step daughter has watched her BPD mom exhibit all the behaviors you mentioned as well. I wish I could remove her from the situation, but I don't have the authority. I guess my advice is dont give up, and there is hope. Counseling has been tremendously helpful for our family. Children are resilient. Your grand children are blessed to have you looking out for them.

[lbjnltx]

There may be some information here that you find helpful:

Risk Factors and Preventing BPD

[mother in law]

Thank you for your answers. To answer the questions, I am fairly new to the board but I have posted before. It is my ex daughter in law who has a history of both verbal and physical abuse of her parents (we have seen this), verbal emotional and physical abuse of her husband (my son), suicide attempts (hospitalised for one with psychiatric treatment) but we do not know the diagnosis except depression that came out of that. As said she is often a very angry person, has big mood swings, rages thinks in black and white and blames people for things she has done herself ie the physical violence. She does not consider she has a problem, I gently talked to  her about getting help years ago when we had a chat after one very angry episode and my son has suggested she gets help but she thinks it is everyone else's problem but hers. My son is worn out with dealing with it and I can see he really hasn't the strength to deal with his 10 year old on his own. I hesitate to label the child as he is obviously dealing with a mother who rages at home on his own as well as missing Dad there on a full time basis as the buffer of these rages. My son is wonderful at talking with him and I have obtained Walking on egg shells (my son and I read this) and An Umbrella for Alex which they have read and discussed together with a good and honest discussion. However as he does display behaviour similar to his mother who lets be honest is his role model for much of his week I would hate to leave this go and just hope it will come right. I should add we do not live in America. All advice is gratefully received.

[mother in law]

Sorry as an addit I tried to get the book Why Mommy Gets Angry without success has anyone any ideas where I can obtain it from?

[parent of bpd daughter]

I am sorry for your situation and I have 2 cents to add coming from a family with much mental illness and abuse -

1st - I would strongly suggest to the mother and father that THERAPY is needed for the Parents AND the poor child,

and I know this won't be a good conversation unfortunately -yet I think it abusive to NOT have that conversation -

someone must bring this up I believe - and keep bringing it up until action can be taken.

2nd - I would seek help of therapist or social workers for myself - if I were in your shoes.  A trained professional

can help you with resources to get this child some help and help you also deal with your despair over the situation.

3rd - I hope society in general gets over the Therapy Stigma someday - I am passionate about this because I was raised

by insanity myself and No one in my family had the guts to call a spade a spade - so here I am in my 50's still

bearing the brunt of that background. Speak up, Stand up and help protect those children that cannot speak

for themselves - even it if means making parents upset - these kids deserve a decent shot at life too.

I know all of us on this board do not suffer from this Therapy Stigma - or we wouldn't be here - yet those who

need therapy most - refuse to go - it is a problem I hope society can fix someday.

Peace be with you.

[lbjnltx]

Sorry as an addit I tried to get the book Why Mommy Gets Angry without success has anyone any ideas where I can obtain it from?

Did you try the link to online book buying at the bottom of the  Book Review?

here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=186318.0

[pessim-optimist]

Hi mother in law,

Your son has a lot on his plate. To heal from the relationship with his ex, to try to take care of his troubled son, and possibly try to keep his son's affection in spite of the mother's attempts to paint the father black... .  

Is your son talking to you about his concerns? You could potentially be a very good support and resource for him.

Would he be willing to seek a therapist, to be better able to help his son?

Maybe the "Parenting after the Split" might be a good board for him, if he's interested.

Also, there are several books dealing with the issues of parenting a child after a divorce, that would definitely apply. Would he be interested?